Hello, Yeah, Yeah, what's up?
Man?
Hey, how's it going dude? What's your name?
I'm Jimmy, Jimmy.
What's going on, Jimmy? How's life?
Life is actually pretty cool and a little complicated lately. Hold on, I'm kicking my dog gack in the house.
That's all right, man. Why is life? Well? I guess we could start with why it's Why is it cool?
I didn't think I would be alive still, Like, I'm thirty two. I'm from Philly, and like, Philly is kind of crazy. I'm sure you know because you went to Temple mm hm. But I just moved out to like Colorado, and I'm starting to like appreciate like the finer things in life. I just like nature and mountains and so that's kind of cool and like being alive and like having benefits from my job.
Why are you from North Philly?
I'm from West Philly. I got I grow up right next to the Man Music Center.
Okay, that's where the fresh Prince of bel Araa grew up.
I went to that same high school.
No, get the fuck out of here.
I went to Overbrook High Is that where did.
Did Will Smith grow up? In West Philadelphia?
Like up the hill like a Overbrook area, Like yeah, it's fifty ninth Street up that way.
Ah wow, Why.
That's too local. I'm going to get so micro.
God you get get b b as you are.
Ship.
What the fuck was I gonna say?
Oh?
Yeah, when did you move to Colorado? Like recently?
Yeah, about two years ago, going on two years? Two years, I think in October?
And so is life gooder in Colorado?
Much much more gooder? The cheese steaks are not more gooder, but everything else just about more gooder?
And uh, why is why is it? Why is life complicated?
Because I'm banging my coworker.
Now you're banging your coworker. Yeah, why is that complicated?
Because I thought about doing it for a while, but I to be honest, I was mad depressed, and I started therapy and like taking meds at the beginning of this year, and that's like now reached. It's like it's like it's culminating in this like hyper confidence. The other day I was like I'm just go get her number, and like we fucked like two days later.
I ask again, why is this complicated?
Because I see her like every day and like she wants to like suck my dick at work.
Okay, I mean.
My problem is that.
I don't know.
This feels weird to me, like I didn't necessarily expect that this was going to happen, like if I I didn't think it would go as well as it has, Like I expected it to be more weird. So I'm waiting for like the other like the other foot to drop.
If you know what I mean, what do you can ask? What you what do you do?
I cook?
So like, yeah, I cook in a kitchen, yes, like at a restaurant.
No, but I cook it's in an institution.
You cook in an institution, Okay, all right, okay, but you work in a kitchen.
Yeah?
Does she also work in the kitchen?
Yeah?
Okay.
I mean, have you ever done anything with a coworker? Lot?
No, But I haven't really had co workers in a long time.
That's fair, That's fair. Yeah, I kind of not really ever had co workers until I came out here because I just used to do a bunch of like random odd JANKI shit for money. So now it's like maybe I wasn't supposed to Like I'm still learning like corporate I guess, like boleance and how to behave myself.
But well, well look look, look, look his I mean, this is a few things, right, It's like what this job that you're at, It's just like it's just like a thing that you do. You give a Do you care about this job? Like, like do you care about it beyond? Like this is just kind of what I do for Like do you see like a long term I care about this job. I care about being here. I care about this being a very comfortable environment for me.
Now I'm planning my eggsit already.
Oh, then have sex with your coworker who gives this shit?
Okay, Well I guess it was that simple. That's kind of I was kind of thinking that myself though, like this is a good time, Like I planning on going to school in January to get a certification so I can like get the hell out of here in the next few months. Anyway.
Yeah, so yeah, I don't know, I don't I mean, if I that's but that's kind of how I feel. It's like if I'm well, I won't say coworker, but like if I'm in any let's say I've had places in my life that I returned to frequently and I'd like to not have sex with anyone, uh, in those places that I am at frequently, if these are locations, institutions, whatever, whatever, that I see myself having like long term relationships with right.
But if but if I'm like, but if you if I were at a job that was like, I'm planning my exit from this job actively, then I I don't think I would, you know, care, because it wouldn't be that, it wouldn't feel I mean, even if it does feel awkward or whatever.
I mean, it's kind of fun too, like your life.
Okay. Is she having a good time?
I think so? Okay, everything I think everybody in Colorado seems to just be constantly having a good time. Like there's nothing serious about this. But that's like a whole other thing.
Okay, is she as she is? She like hinting that she wants, like, uh, more than just to suck your dick at work.
Yeah, but it's it's just more variations of like that. I think I fear I may have unlocked something that I might not be able to control.
Now in what sense, Like.
I didn't think that she was going to be like this freaky if that makes sense.
Okay, I mean that's fine, But I guess like, is she like does she like like she is she like wanting? Is she like having sex with you? She wants you to be like like eventually become her boyfriend. I don't think so okay, I don't know this doesn't this sounds not that I think you would. You would probably know if that was the case. I think.
I would think, so okay.
So yeah, I don't know if this doesn't sound particularly complicated.
But that's sick. I don't wanna.
I'm not gonna take up too much Marie of time.
So I can go back and listening you can get from.
That's wait, where where? What are you? What are you going to do when you leave the kitchen.
I'm pretty much gonna try and get my boss's job somewhere else. Yeah, he runs the department that is the kitchen, the dietary part of the of the institution. But he's kind of a dort. He's a lot of a dirt Like. I hate this guy. I'm always like busting his balls and I'm telling him how much of a fucking loser he is and whatever. But I can't complain anymore, really, because my plan now was to just go ahead and do it in my own kitchen, run my own kitchen the way I want to.
Why do you think this guy is a dork?
He he lacks leadership qualities, but he's the leader. He's a neo baby like his his wife's has a relative or something that got him in the job because they work there. Like, he doesn't even have the certification that I'm ready to go to school for to get, which is how you get that position. He's a NEPO baby. He's a packers fan, a bunch more stuff. But yeah, he just really yeah, he doesn't leave us. Well, he's lost the locker room. When are you're coming back to Denver?
I don't know. Maybe I'm maybe I'll eventually come back to Denver.
I was.
I always have a great time in Denver. I've been to Denver like five or six times. I think I've gone like every single year since twenty nineteen. It's a great town, good place. I don't know. When are you coming to What do you I don't I'm sorry, I don't have a retort. What's your name again?
Jimmy?
Jimmy, Jimmy. Uh, you seem like an Jimmy. I have fun with your life, Jimmy. It's very short, sorry to say an existential thing. Good luck, Jimmy, are you hey? What's up?
Oh my god?
Lyle yes?
Hi hi hi uh hi Sorry, I was not actually expecting that the work. I uh, my name is Beuford.
Beuford. What a name. That's a sick name. I like that name.
Yeah. Thanks.
You don't really see that many people around with the name Buford these days, like an ancient times name themes.
What a what a great name, Beuford? What's going on in your life? Buford?
Uh? Stuff, man, stuff, I'm long I've heard I know you've heard this probably like a million times, but I've been listening to you for about like two years now.
Cool awesome, Yeah, it's.
You've been definitely, uh, a big part of my day for a while. I've been listening as much as a late Sorry, there's a bunch of seagulls squawking around me.
Right you.
Ford, You're you're you're more than al right, you're more than all right. Yeah, No, I appreciate you. I appreciate you. Well. Ship Here we.
Are, Yeah, yeah, we're here.
We're here.
I guess what I really wanted to talk about. Sorry, I'm walking to my car right now. I got people in my room. I can't really get an eight piece out here right now just because.
People.
Yeah, but I wanted to guess, what's been going on in my life? Is I guess a lot of abandonment.
It seems like.
A couple months back, I was in a relationship for about we'll say, like eight months, and I had a decent friend group around here. And uh, this is after I moved, I moved away from my home and yeah, it's just been a little rough. But I lost the girl and I've lost a lot of those friends. And she was the only one who was around, so we still kept hanging out. But it seems like, yeah, eventually she's got tired of me too, and I don't.
Yeah, these last couple of weeks, Yeah, I have.
Something really important coming up. But it's been really hard to focus on anything else other than you know, just my life, well my life outside of my work.
What is what is this important thing coming up?
So it's a test. I want to go into too much detail, but it's a big test that will impact what I do next. Basically if I make a lot of money next or not. Uh, if I fail this test, I got to basically start from scratch. If I passed this test, I got some word stuff that I need to do. But you know, I'll be able to move forward at least. But there's something that's been looming over me for I want to say a year and a
half now. So yeah, I've been kind of stuck in this one place with this test looming over me, you know, towards the end of you know, the end of everything. When I feel like I'm ready to take the test and everything, everything just kind of starts, you know, crashing down. In my personal.
Life, can ask how old you are?
I just turned twenty five?
Cool? Uh? And why did you Why did you lose all your friends?
It's been going on for a while, but it's either they move away or you know, they uh, I want to say a lot of cases they get into relationships and uh yeah, it's like the typical bits like I'm sorry, you know, I want to hang out with you, but you know, Sydney wants to go get groceries or something like that, and that's obviously going to take the entire day.
So I can't.
I can't call you, or I can't I can't like, you know, sit on discord.
For a little bit.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like I get it. And you know, when I was in the relationship, I was to an extra kind of like that, but you know, completely abandoning relationships with people that I've known for like five years, like just losing them just like, you know, am I the problem? Because it seems like it's always happening to me. And it's like whenever I ask or like you know, could bought them about it, I'm just like, you know, why aren't we talk as much? They're just like, yeah, you're a
great guy. You know, I love hanging out with you. It's just, you know, Tom moves on.
Yeah, yeah, It's kind of a thing of life. And you know, here's the thing, man, and I, you know, I relate to a lot of the stuff that you're saying, and I have my own thoughts about it and and I and I really can only approach the situation from the way that I like to think about this ship, in the way that I've approached it in my own life. And you know, some people like to talk about I was told, you know, can I go on a rant you for two seconds?
Oh yeah, please please?
I Okay. So I've been I've been going back to therapy, and my therapist said, so I people might think I'm insane, but whatever. My therapist said something to me where she was like, you got to learn how to be comfortable being alone, and that fucking and I know what she means when she says that. She means you have to be okay with being alone because when you're okay with being alone, you are then able to approach your life.
She didn't say this, I inferred this, but when you're okay with being alone, you are able to approach your life with a greater sense of power than if you're like, not okay with being alone. But I hate the notion that you're supposed to be okay with being alone, or that you're supposed to be happy being alone. I fucking hate when people say that. Because human being, we are
biologically wired to not be okay with being alone. It sucks to pretend that it doesn't, or to pretend that you're supposed to be alone and be happy with that and be okay with that is ridiculous. It's a ridiculous thing. People might disagree with me, but we're biologically wired to not be alone. That being said, I understand it's very helpful to become comfortable with being alone so that you
can approach your life with power. And so I take those two things and I look at this and I look at it very logistically, because that's how I like to look at the problems of my life and how I, you know, do shit in my life. And I go, Okay, you know, you really inherently cannot rely on people because they exist outside of your control. That's like the stoic thing. And now stoicism can also be a certain form of avoidance.
And if you lean too heavily into it, and you lean too heavily into that, you close yourself off to others. And you don't want to do that. You want to open yourself up to others and accept and understand that they might fuck your shit, you know, and accept that getting your shit fucked by others because you trusted them is just a part of life. And you feel sad and you feel bad about it, but it's just hits you and you let it hit you. All that being said,
I like to look at these things very logistically. So I'm like, in my life, when I've felt alone and I've felt like I had like friends that were like flaky on me or you know, relationships that didn't work out or whatnot. I've kind of logistically gone, what can I do to put myself in situation like this is where you take your power back? Is you go, what can I do to put myself in situations where I
am around people? And how do I empower myself to talk to those people and to make those people want to be around me and to be the kind of person that other people want to be around. And I approach this from like a logistical way, So yeah, I guess, yeah, I'll go ahead.
God no, I was gonna say, because yeah, I feel the exact same way when it comes to when it comes to just telling somebody be comfortable being alone. But like the problem is I'm lonely, right, Like, you know, how do you get to that point?
Yeah?
And I made attempts to Like where I'm at, its kind of like, you know, it has a couple of areas where I can just you know, kind of go at and you know, it gets me out of the room because one my roommate usually in the room, but twenty four to seven. But also, yeah, I just want to I don't like being in the room by myself. Anymore, because now it's just like I'm sitting here and I'm thinking about all this stuff that it happened, and like what did I do wrong? Like why did I do this?
And you know, so I'm going out and trying to, you know, put myself into spaces, but now I'm finding out that's like when I get into these spaces, I'm still kind of alone because I'm like not really, I don't know. I don't know if I'm like scared now to talk to anybody just because I've had so many what lost relationships, or if like you know, nobody just
actually wants to speak to me. You know, I don't know if I like look weird or you know something I think, don't think that's weird that I'm like five foot nothing.
But well you can't, yeah, but you can't go Like there's a lot of a lot of the like uh, internal being comfortable, being alone and stuff, as it does piss me off, but then a lot of it has like such deep truth to it, you know, and the parts of it that have deep the parts of it that have deep truth to it are the parts that are how you perceive yourself. I don't think I don't think I don't think how you perceive people say how you how you perceive yourself as how other people perceive you.
I don't think that's a one to one translation at all. I think that's kind of bullshit. But how you perceive yourself is like extremely important to how other people like perceive you. So if you walk around being like, oh, people don't want to be around me, people don't like me, blah blah blah, all this stuff, even if you are five foot nothing, even if you are you know, whatever, these things you think you are like, it will not
help you to have to carry that around. So that's an important thing to attack, is like, yeah, that that kind of negative like self image. Yeah. So and so you have this big test coming up, and I think, well,
a couple of things. I mean, I think that obviously it makes a lot of sense that you're very like distracted by all of this ship going on in your personal universe, right, but uh, it sounds like the test is very important to you, and like, you know, kinda get it's it's maybe not forever, but it's okay to get on your fucking sigma male wolf meme, Uh, grind set for a bit and just be like, let me fucking hone in on this test and let me, you know,
get my money up. Yeah, right, because because all these things feed into it each other, and money is important because when you have money, when you have some money, now you're like, Okay, I have some money, maybe I'll join a fucking you know thing of some kind now, and then maybe I'll start going out to these places and doing these things that you know cost money to do. But now now you have kind of a little bit of a foundation for you to like kind of start
like ideal idea. In an ideal world, you're not knocking on people's doors constantly to get them to want to be around you. You're just strategically building a life where you are naturally around people. And that's that to me, that's the best way to do it. And it's and it's hard, but it's very but it's possible if you're intentional about it. I believe, where do you live, not like your address, but like what part of the town, Well, part of America?
Oh so right now, I'm in Ohio.
Well part of do you live like a city or do you live.
In like, yeah, Cincinnati, Ohio?
Yes, Okay, this ship, this ship happening in Cincinnati, Ohio.
Mm hmm, yeah, it's uh yeah, Cincinnati. Uh what was it? But right now I'm in uh sorry, right now, I'm in Cali.
Okay, I live in Cincinnati.
All this stuff is happening in Cincinnati, but I'm in Cali for a little bit.
Okay, is that where you're like from?
Oh?
No, but I have family out here.
Okay, all right, Yeah, when's when's your big when's your big test?
My big test is Monday, oh ship. Yeah, so it's pretty soon. But the thing is, I feel fine for the test and I feel like confident about it that I had like a practice one a couple of months back, and yeah, I didn't do too well, but after, you know, after grinding a little bit, I feel like I'm more prepared for it. So we'll see how it goes this next time. But and you know, if things don't work out, it is.
What it is.
At this point, I'm just I think I'm more ready to just kind of be done with this part of my life because I feel like I've been preparing for this forever and it's been kind of keeping me from addressing things and you know, kind of like getting into anything new because I've been mainly focused on just trying to do this.
Yeah, so yes, yeah, you.
Pass or fail is going to be some sort of a relief to where it feels like I'm going to at least get back to a normal life and start doing something different.
Yeah.
I like that, and I felt that way about things in my life constantly all the time. So and yeah, it's on Monday, so I mean, yeah, you'll you'll probably feel some kind of like reset after the fact. Anyway, Right, there's this concept that I'm thinking about a lot of like you know, I mean, there's no word for it, but you know, I mean, people do this whole thing where they're like once X, once X happens, then why
will happen? Or after why, I'll feel z or after you know what I mean, Like after this, I'll finally feel this and that and the other thing. And sometimes and that's I've lived a lot in my life like that. And sometimes you are correct. People say, like you you know, there might be some fucking Instagram meme or a thing that says you're always waiting to live your life, but
sometimes it actually is true. Sometimes it is actually true that. Yeah, sometimes it is true that once you're over certain things, your life is different. What is what is pretty much never true is that you live a life without any problems, but you might objectively be living life with less intense like I do believe in uh, there being a there of some kind in some sense as to like how we're like narratively structuring our lives. But you're still gonna have problems.
You know.
It's not like you're gonna burst into ethereal light after this test is over. You still have to be in your stupid human body and you still have to live with your stupid human brain and all those things. But I mean, I say, sprint to the finish on the test, and you know, I think I think it's cool. I think it's I think it's good. But yeah, again, I would just figure out how to kind of naturally build your life that you're around people, and I would try to be smart about it. And it's never been it's
never been easier to do that than now. And I don't know what this test is for, what the job is for. I you know, you don't have to tell me if I guess it. But maybe it's like an l stats thing or a fucking med thing or whatever.
Let's say it's a mad thing. But let's just say it's a mad thing.
Okay, all right, Well that's as far.
As I'll go.
I just don't want to I don't want to expose myself out.
That's okay, that's okay, all right. Yeah, I mean you'll take the test. It sounds like you're well prepared for it. I hope you do well. I hope you get this job. I hope you make this money that you need to do these things. But yeah, I just would spend as little time kind of dwelling on these things as possible and as most most time, like being very strategic about how you can build your life to be around other people.
But by the way, it fucking sucks, you know, like like the grief is the grief of like a breakup or of like friends that you thought would be in your life. Yeah, not being there's good. I like to blend there's you know, I'm very interested in like blending
the two ideas, the like competing ideas. There's because there's a very there's a like parts of my brain that are like you know, the emotional ethereal ones that are like you need to feel your feelings and you need to you know, uh, feel your grief, and you need to be comfortable with being alone, and you need to this and and I think there's there's a ton of
validity to those things. But but also I want to match them up with like, okay, but you also need like logistically can empirically figure out and move you know, a pawns around a board to be like okay, But how do I then fix these problems? Because I I go to sometimes I go to therapy, and I like, you know, it's all about the feelings part of it.
And I just hate that because I think you need a little you need half of that, and then you need a half of like okay, but what the fuck are we gonna you know, do Yeah, anyway, sorry, there's a whole rant.
But oh no, no, you're good, You're good. Yeah. I actually was talking to somebody like a couple of weeks back, bringing up like the thing with grief. I never really saw grieving with like actual relationships. I always just related it to like, you know, death or you know, maybe like I don't know, losing a friend or something like that.
But I never really thought of it as like a grieving over a relationship because I think I definitely that that also has impacted me a little bit too, because around the time of that practice test is when things ended. But you know, I kept prolonging the relationship. But now
she's like completely gone. She's like in a totally different place now, And yeah, it's been suck on my mind because I feel like I did a lot and I don't really understand as to why like things ended, especially since she still wanted to be friends and just yeah, I don't I don't know why it had to end.
There was a lady in the in the previous podcast where she was talking about how she got divorced, and she was like she opened it up with being like, you can do everything right and still uh get fucked.
Mm hmm.
I'm sorry, No, that's not that's not really comforting.
No, No, I think what was that The lady who I think it was, she said her husband was like doing cocaine or something like that.
Yes, yeah, yeah, that was fair.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I think I remember that.
But yeah, can do everything right but still get fucked. But also again it's like you, I just you see you sound and I don't know if I don't want to put words in your mouth, but you sound like you have like a bad self image.
You you'd be right, you'd be right. And why I don't know I've based it off because.
I know I did.
There was a time I didn't feel like this. I didn't feel like this, and I want to say it was like early into high school. You know, I didn't give it, Damn. I was just you know, I go home, I played pucking Super Mario my family, and I would
give a crap. Uss. I think it was around the time when I started, like, you know, being forced to get into like more social situations where it's like, you know, my dad's over here forcing me to get a job, and you know, I started making friends and it's like, oh wow, I like this feeling of like actually hanging out with people outside. You know, well, I'm gonna go
hang out with these dudes every day. And I think it was like once I saw that they started getting into relationships and that you know, they were moving on with their lives and that I was, you know, kind of still just working. Yeah, why do you think that?
Sorry, God, go ahead, why do you so? I mean, I guess like, in this moment, why do you feel like you have bad like self image. I think.
I think it's a comparison thing. It's it's definitely a comparison thing, because yeah, I compare myself a lot to other people, like you know, in my class, Like you know, walking around on campus, you see all these people you know, with like a much of like four or five groups of friends or you know, with girlfriends, and like, I'm over here walking by myself over here now kind of
wishing I could talk to somebody. Yeah, you know, even when I've given the opportunity, sometimes I just I get afraid, you know, cause I just don't really want to have to be in that situation where it's like I made a friend and now they're gone after like you know, two or three months. It's like I really got close to this person and now they just leave my life and I did all this stuff.
What for.
The I mean, first of all, by the way, I know, you're comparing yourself to other people, but you're very much not alone. This is like, honestly, probably, this is honestly probably You're you're twenty five, so are we we're gen Z.
Right, I think, yeah, yeah, gen Z.
I think I think this is a strong problem of our generation in general, so you're not like you're not alone, Like you're like this idea that everybody else is out at being amazing and you're the only one dealing with this is not true?
You know.
I remember being in college. I remember being in college and anytime I was like in my dorm room, like on a Friday night, I would always think I would always feel like a loser, you know, if I was like, uh, you know, like not doing something. And then like I remember, you know, you see, I would walk around the dorm and like you'd see a few other people who are also in the dorm or like doing homework or some shit, and you you you realize that like, uh, not everyone.
You realize that where you're uh looking is not a sample size that's reflective of the entire population of the earth, right.
Right, I get.
I know I'm not the only person who like feels that way. It's just always in the environment. And I know it's like even then, like, I know, there's probably another person who's walking around that maybe feels that way. I guess maybe I'm just not focused on them.
It could be, yeah, but but but I don't even I don't even I don't even think you should be focused on anyone but your yourself in this sense, and like what you want and what you and what you what you want is to is you want community, you want friends, and you want a girlfriend. And the way I think to get those things.
Is to.
It's probably some it's probably some combination of a developing a better like image of yourself and then but that's that's its own can of worms to be opened. But that's like one of the pillars. And then B is like logistically going like, okay, where is a place that I can go to regularly once, two, three times a week where it's not like because you know, when like you fucking like meet someone and like you like, certain friendships require active effort for you to see each other
right and develop a thing. And that's uh. I always feel like that fails five times out of ten or six or seven because it just requires too much active effort. Whereas if you're in a thing or you've created a thing where you're just all you have to do is show up and people are there and you just keep showing up and everyone just kind of naturally gathers. Like
that's what real community is. It's rarer and rarer to find it, but it exists out there for those willing to go find it and willing to like uh find out, or or for those willing to create it. So it exists.
So I mean, that's my advice is I think that if you're gonna approach your friendships from a point of like, you know, oh, maybe I meet someone and like we regularly schedule a hangout once a week or so, they it just it's just like hard, whereas like the easiest thing to do, the easy way, easier way to approach it is like, Okay, what are spaces I can regularly show up to? Because when I'm regularly showing up to those places, these things occur naturally as opposed to requiring
like this this effort. I mean, I look, man, I I you know, for a while, I mean I do, I don't. I don't. I don't have coworkers, you know, Yeah that I like see every day, you know, I work, you know, I do this podcast, I work from home. I do my own little weird side, you know, I do my little projects, and like, you know, I'm kind of you know, uh, and and that was that was
really hard for me for a while. And then I I joined, like, I joined a coworking space that I go to and now I like I show up at this place like almost every day to like sit and do my you know, my make my videos and do these things. And and as a result of doing that, I've like met a lot of people and made a lot of friends very naturally, you know, and it's been great.
It's been like a huge life change and to find an environment like that, And so I think everyone needs some kind of environment like that where they that allows for the serendipity and the natural connection of you know, meeting with people and you and it's it's available and it's a a a it's if you live in a major city of some kind, it's available to you and be if it's not, you can make it. So I don't know what you I don't know what you like.
I don't know what you're what you like outside of taking tests, I do well.
Uh.
I love Nintendo games. I know you've talked about Super Smash Bros.
A lot. I used to go to.
Smash It's pretty often. Oh yeah, music, Yeah, I've gotten into writing, and you know, I want to get into like kind of making my own music. Eventually at some point like learning how to like play the piano or something like that. Or yeah, maybe go to a bar, pull out of harmonica and start spit it or something like that.
Okay, here's my Okay, I'm going to end our conversation by like I don't usually do this, but here's my like concrete actual advice capital A. This is capital A advice. Okay, if I were you this, how would structure my life? As I would? First of all, I would I would after you get on the off the phone with me, I would spend the next forty eight hours studying as hard as you can for this test and truly surrendering to not think about anything else. And then you take
this test. And then when you I don't know if you're gonna stay in California, if you're gonna go back to Cincinnati. But if you go back to Cincinnati, you fucking go on meetup dot com or you go on Facebook or your search and you find a writer's group
or a fucking smash tournament or a jam session. And if you and you go and you just show up to that once a week and and I think I already really did this on the podcast before but whatever, you you show up and the first uh time, second time, third time, maybe fourth, fifth, sixth time you show up, you're gonna feel super weird and alienated from everyone, Like you're gonna you're gonna go in, but you're gonna go in understanding and accept that that's how you're going to
feel the first four or five six times you show up. But you still go because eventually you'll, like it's supposed to feel that way when you first show up, but then eventually you acclimate yourself and if none of those things exist, you start your own. So that's what I would suggest that you do, because I think you'll unlock a new little kind of pathway that you didn't really because you want to find this community and then you you don't want to just be like a background character
in it. You want to find a way to add value to it. So if it's like a writing group, you know, fucking you know, give, give, raise your hand when they're asking for the crits, or or give or or give or share the work or just do something to kind of you know, force yourself to be seen. So that's that's that's my advice.
That's that's really good advice that's actually really in the place.
I hope you take it. Let me know if you do. It would make me very happy to hear that you took it and it worked out well for you. So good luck. What's your name again, Beauford? How did I forget that? Buford is a good name?
Thank you, le This means a lot. I actually did not think I was gonna get on the phone with you like ever in my life.
So thank you.
Thank you of course, man. I appreciate you sharing your your your time and your vulnerability with us. Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go.
Just everyone have an amazing day, and I don't know, eat a bag of chips.
Eat your favorite chip or something beautiful. Hey, take care of you for good luck.
Thank you, le bye.
Those Buford Beufford is a good guy. Uh, this is this is totally a I know, I know that that's a topic that is like we've covered a lot on this show. Yeah, I think everyone feels that way. I've felt that way significantly throughout my life, you know, not just and throughout different epochs of my life, you know, throughout sometimes in college, sometimes as like an adult, sometimes uh,
you know, and so I don't know. I think I've like kind of uh figured out ways to ways to do that, and I think people have like a kind of wrong approach to it that's very based on like I'm going to meet a person and we're going to meet for lunch once a week or something. It's just too it's not natural, I guess in that way. Okay, Hello, Hi, Kjoe. Hi, what's your name. I'm Jess, Jess. What's up, Jess? Have we uh, have we ever spoken before?
No?
We never have. I called in a bunch of times, but this is the first time.
Oh, wonderful, wonderful. Well, what's up, Jess. What's going on with you?
I'm just thrilled to be on the phone with you.
I'm just.
I'm here on this. I'm in southern California and I've been dying to talk to you forever, hanging out with my boyfriend. He's heard me call into your show a bunch of times.
M hm, Well, Louie, let me ask you this. I guess to start off our conversation, was there anything in particular that you wanted to call in to talk about. It's okay if not, no, I don't.
I don't think, so get into whatever what you got going on today?
Uh? What do I got going on today? I don't know. I could blab about myself, but I'm I don't. I don't have a lot about myself to blab, to be honest, right now, I mean, I mean, look, you know you uh you said you've called into the show multiple times and you listen to the show and you've heard people, uh you know, start to just talk about their lives and what's going on. And have you ever at any point during that thought about what you might want to talk about were you to be on the show.
Oh, I sure have. I think I thought about because I know it's we're on this whole existential kick.
We don't have to be. We don't have to be. I'm letting you know, we don't have to be. We don't have to be. We can be, we can be, we also can be, just letting you know. Anyway, go ahead.
Sorry, I don't I don't think I really want to be. But what I've thought about through all of these all of these like deep things, is just also to talk about like the beauty of life, because you know, we can talk about all these like deep things about like what does it mean? And I thought about maybe what it all means is just to be able to see like the sun rise and like to feel the beauty of it, and like maybe none of it means anything.
You know, I'm actually to be honest, I'm actually over my existential kick, which is it feels great. I love it. I I normal life is nice. I hate I don't. I hate thinking about uh so well, I get existential thinking about how many people there are in the world. That makes me existential. But I'm over it. It led to nothing. That's the craziest part is that, I mean I got definitely like I get to make some stuff out of it, and I got some good conversations out of it, and I think.
That maybe that's the point.
I don't know if it's I don't know if there was ever a point, but it was. That's a nice it was. That was a nice aftershock to it is that, uh you know, it was nice nice. You know, I felt something deeply and that's nice to do. But uh, I don't care, you know, I don't care anymore.
Now.
I'm just like, I walk into a store and I buy a bottle of soda and I walk out, and I think about like my actual life. You know, I'm not I'm I'm not thinking about existential stuff anymore. I'm just kind of, like, you know, trying to live. I mean, I kind of think about exsistential I mean, do you do you think about existential stuff? You know what?
I've thought about existential stuff forever, like since I was like fifteen, and then I ended up at the point that maybe maybe I'll never figure it out, but then you.
Will. I'm sorry, I'm sorry I'm interrupting you. I'm terrible at doing this now. But you you, you never will figure it out. That's the whole point, is there.
Yeah?
You know that's fucking what's his face? All the philosophers and science people they never figured it out. So exactly, I'm sorry I interrupted you. I shouldn't interrupted you. What were we saying?
No?
But I think we can like think all day about, you know, whatever life means, but.
End of day we.
Still end up like with these beautiful little interactions that we have at the store or over the phone, are you know, with our parents, our boyfriend's grandma or fucking who knows, But it's all just as beautiful. We just gotta find the point in that, and I think that's what i've sometimes.
Yeah, sometimes, Yeah, No, No, I don't think everything is uh beautiful and amazing all the time. Sorry you call with Jess your name, your name is Jess. I'm just sorry. I I always show up to this thing as I am, which if that is upsetting to people, I I that's fine, But yeah, I don't. I don't think everything is beautiful all the time, but they I don't think it should be, you know, like, uh, sometimes it's okay for like things to just be normal, Like going to the d m
V isn't beautiful, And it's sometimes beautiful and amazing. But I think if you're if you're feeling I think if you're feeling that really powerfully, if you're like, oh, look at these people and wow, this is psychedelic, I don't. Yeah, I can do that sometimes, but you don't want to do that all the time because that's too it's just too much, you know, at least for me, it feels too. It feels too much.
Isn't there isn't there power in the mundane? Like isn't there something nice? Like even if it's not like, oh man, this is like so beautiful. But I mean at least, like, can you find beauty in the little things in life?
Yeah? You can. I mean sure, yeah, you can find beauty and everything. But I sometimes, uh, sometimes it's okay to just go you know, sometimes it's okay to just go to the bank. If you got to go to the bank, you know, I.
Mean hell yeah. But this that's finding like the beauty and the little things is what has cured my existentialism.
I think, good, good, I'm good. I'm glad that that that that's been good. Good for you?
Hell yeah, Well what have solved the such existentialism for you?
The the march of time forward? And I mean also I have like just uh, I mean I don't know, Vexus, I don't know if it's been solved, but you know, yeah, just a march forward of time and uh you know, yeah time.
Just knowing that it's all gonna happen no matter what. That's what's pushing forward.
I don't I don't know if there isn't it, well like it's all going to happen. But what But what's what's your life like, Jess, what do you got going on in your in your regular life?
Oh, my regular life. Well, I'm unemployed, which maybe that helps all of this. But I live with my amazing partner of almost eight years. I'm twenty six now, so we've been together since I'm eighteen, and we live like coastal southern California, and yeah, he works. I stay at home. I just do some like dinners. Maybe I'm like the bottomized but.
Have a good time.
Why do you, well, why do you say you're lo bottomized girl?
Because I'm just like a you know, stay at home girlfriend. I'm almost eight years.
Okay, I mean do you do you? I mean, do you like life?
Oh?
I love life?
That's great. Why do you say you're Why do you think you're lo bottomized?
Then?
Oh, I don't know a girl, because I'm a girlfriend of eight years, so maybe I should be married?
Question mark, do you want to be married.
So bad?
So bad? Loyle?
Then then what's stopping you from getting married?
Oh?
Well, my boyfriend's listening to the stream, so that's that's the reason.
Okay, I mean, what's the What is the difference between what you got going on right now and being married? I don't know, because you lived together and you, I mean you already have a life together.
And by the state of California. We're what is this like, not.
Legally married, but domestic partnership.
Domestic partnership, that's what it is.
We go mm hmm, yeah, I don't know.
It's just something there. I don't know. I could never figure it out what exactly that is.
M hmm.
What do you think?
What do I think about whether or not you should get married?
Well?
That and then what do you think it is that little like itch in my brain that tells me, well, I know you're a therapist.
Well, well this isn't What do I think is the little itch in your brain that tells you, that tells you what?
Do they want to be married so badly?
Why do I think you want to I don't. I don't know if I can answer why I think you want to get married? Why do you think you want to get married? Why do you why do you think you want to get married?
I don't know, because I want a big wedding.
Okay, Well, who's what Your boyfriend's in the other room watching the stream? Yeah, well why should tell him you want to get married?
Oh?
I told you?
What do you say?
Hmm?
Well, we're just saving up money. It's exceptive here in California.
Uh what to have a big ass wedding, Not a big.
Ass you know, do something, but to have a wedding. Yeah, M it's expensive, You're just in California. Just in general, it's.
A legitimate reason. I mean yeah, I uh, it sounds like you want. I mean you can want, you have, you can have a little party.
I can tell yeah, but.
You know what, It'll happen in time. I'm at peace with that. Uh.
Well, Jess, Jess, let me ask you this, is there any uh is there anything else that you really want? I want to give you whatever you really wanted out of this conversation before we go. I want to make sure I gave you whatever you really wanted out of this conversation.
M what thin I want out of this? Let's see, No, Because I think I have called into the show a bunch of times, like looking at a sunset kind of thinking about like or as sunrise, I mean, thinking about like how beautiful things are, and like I've come to the point where I've accepted but maybe nothing means nothing, all of this not maybe all of this means nothing, And like I've accepted that, and I've here, I've heard a lot of people kind of like lament about like Okay.
What does this mean?
And where are we going? And like maybe what is this? Like maybe like pot, maybe what I'm thinking is like nihilism and that maybe all of this maybe it means nothing but to enjoy like a sunset or the birds chirping, or like watching your dog play around. So I guess I wanted your take on that, but I think you've he's kind of giving me that, So.
Well, well, well, why do you want my take on that? That's your own epiphany? That's a very pretty that what you're talking you want you want you're asking my take on your personal.
Yeah, because yeah, because I've heard like a lot of people's takes on this.
My well, truthfully, just my take on what you just said is that you uh arrived at your own personal uh journey.
You know.
My take is is of nothing to you your Do you think your your go ahead?
Sorry?
Do you think that everyone's this this feeling that like you and many of these other colors? Do you think where a lot of these people are at? Is it all like a personal journey and everyone has to reach their own epiphany?
I don't know if everyone, Yeah, I think so, I think, yeah, everyone kind of reaches their own epiphany and you know, your God and your whatever, uh, the the champion of your own universe. So yeah, I mean, who gives a fuck what I think about you know, your personal ephany, it's your personal epiphany, you know what I mean. Like, if that's how you feel about the world and that makes you feel good and that feels aligned with you,
then that's that's. Uh, that's that's that's that's you. And I know you're about to say something nice to me, but I I okay, sorry, okay, then please then please please tell me, Please tell me the thing, like, wow.
I've been on your journey of this existentialism and so like I don't I don't know how much a funk I give about anyone else, but I don't know. I thought it'd be nice to hear your how you've reached like the end, not end, but like kind of a conclusion to this existentialism.
I have I have I haven't. I haven't reached a conclusion to this existentialism. I'll reach a conclusion when I die. But I mean I'm like, I'm not, I'm not you know, yeah, I mean, I'm not yeah, I'm not like, uh, I mean, I'm in a little bit of dread. I I don't know, and that's good.
There's beauty in it. That means you're alive.
I guess, man, I don't I don't know. I don't know, Jess, I guess. I guess, I guess.
But it fucking sucks, but you're in it, so like there's something good. At least you get to be live and doing it and then you find beauty and the people you talk to, like out in the street or whatever it is.
Some Well when I said sometimes, I mean some when I said sometimes, I mean sometimes sometimes I just pick my nose and eat it and it's not beautiful and it's just you know, it's no, it's not even a hell. Yeah, it's just I just it's just what it what it was. But you like it. I don't even know if I like it. I attribute nothing to it. You know, it's just the day and so like to you know, like, yeah, today is just what like you know, that's what I mean sometimes you know that's why.
Why why isn't it always a hell?
Yeah?
Because I mean I picked my nose and eat it too, And then and.
If it's and if it's a hell yeah for you, then it's all hell yeah for you. Well listen, jet go ahead, go.
Ahead, No, no, I was just gonna say, hell, you had a notice picking and eating it. I guess whatever your fucking thing?
Who cares?
Well listen, Jess, Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go there?
Sure is it? But thanks for talking.
You have a going jest.
Bye bye, you take care?
Bye.
Hello?
Hello, what's that man?
You doing?
I'm doing good man? How are you doing?
I'm all right?
How's life?
Uh, it's been tough the past couple of years.
You said it's been good. No, it's been tough, tough t u f F Yes, sir, Wait no, t t no t u f F is the good, tough, the bad, toughest o U g H Yes, sir, it's been tough. Why has it been tough?
Yes?
Uh so A year and a half ago, I broke my neck and uh I was quite aprillegiate now and uh just the the recovery has been been a struggle. And uh, ironically, much like your previous caller, I don't know for some reason, all my friends left me. I had I had one friend who would visit me in the hospital out of all my friends. Uh, you know, my parents passed away a few years ago, so I don't have family or you know, immediate family. I do have cousins, aunts and uncles, but none of them can
die to visit me in the hospital. So yeah, you know, I've just been hearing and just over and all by myself. Uh, Lyle, I do appreciate your streams. They do get me through the day whenever you do streams, So thank you for what you do.
You.
I appreciate that.
Yeah.
So, but uh, yeah, just want want to let all the other listeners know.
I don't know.
I guess just try to plan as many good seeds as you can. Try to have a lot of good friends, you know. But I guess don't expect he just depend on yourself. Yeah, hm hmm.
Well kind of like I was saying to uh our boy Beuford earlier. Uh, it's hard. This is a hard like the stoicism and that you can only depend on yourself thing is Uh, it's actually it's actually been a core value of mine, I think for a while in my life and recently as I've gotten older, I've I've come to reevaluate it, because I don't. I don't know. It's it's a it's a it's a belief that I I poking prad at a little bit because it's somewhat avoidant in a bad way, but it's also it's weird.
It's one of those things that you believe and you hold close because you don't want to get hurt, and it protects you from getting hurt, but it also uh closes you off. I mean, that's what every song is about, is it not? Every song is about like I won't I won't let you in because you'll hurt me. What's song? What's that's what That's what I got a feeling by the Black Eyed Peas is about. I think that's deff. That's what the Pledge of Allegiance is about. That's what
that's what the Simpsons theme is about. But anyway, it's kind of again, it's one of those beliefs that I kind of poking product and uh, I think it has its time and place that's valuable, and then when it's not. But hmm, what is your name? I'm sorry I forgot your name.
Stanley.
Stanley, how long have you been in the hospital?
For so, I was in the hospital for two months and then I've been not been discharged for what would discharge stance h mid to lie. I've been discharged since last July. I've been able to walk walk pretty okay now when you know, a little wobbly, but.
You know, it's just.
Yeah, I'm just pushing through, you know. Yeah, I'm just so thankful that I'm able to recover from this as much as possible. You know, I've met a wonderful bunch of wonderful uh friends while I was at the hospital, and so many of them have it so much worse than I do. So whenever I'm having a bad day, you know, I just I just remember my friends from the hospital and just you know, just just try to have a good day. But yeah, you know, every every day has the challenges.
Yeah, how we so, how is like physical therapy?
Going?
Physical physical therapy was great? You know, if any of the listeners are peet or ots man, y'all are true true angels. Because physical therapists and occupational therapists like, you know, for them to have so much patience and also teach just have such a great attitude, you know, that really helps us to want to be there and you know, give it our all and just you know, keep you know,
keep pushing through and keep going. Every day for a lot of us, that hour of work two that we're at PT, that's all the social interaction we get, you know. So so that's that's another thing with therapists, you know, yeah, I mean, yeah, they're doing the physical stuff, but honestly, yeah, they're also like therapists truly. So again, if any of the listeners are pets and ots, you know, thank you so much for what you do.
Are you able to, like do you have like a recovery timeline of some sort. Do they give you a timeline of you know, when they think you'll be able to kind of be a little bit more mobile.
So they say everybody is different, but I feel I feel pretty al right being able to take care of myself now. It's just you know, I'm still will be weak in the hands and you know up her body. Like I said, when I'm walking, my balance is an issue.
Uh.
But you know, I try to keep a good attitude and just try to do things. You know, in mine, I try to tell myself to just do things without thinking that I'm you know, I'm injured, you know, just try to move, Just try to move normally, you know, or like you know, think like don't think that I'm injured. Just just do the task. So that kind of helps, you know.
And that's that's interesting, Like uh like wait, that's so interesting that almost that it's actually kind of funny to hear you say that, because that almost like you know, I was talking to Buford about about the whole like uh self, like like the uh self image is a reflection of how other people see you type ship. It's
kind of funny that. It's kind of funny that that they that works on like a mental sense, but it also works on like a physical sense, like the fact that the they were telling you like just fucking believe that you're not injured and you just aren't. It's kind of crazy, right, Yeah, you had the minus.
It's a powerful tool, as they say, so yeah, absolutely, yeah.
It's like, uh, I also have a.
Little dog, you know. She helps keep my spirits up.
Oh cute, what kind of what kind of dog?
So she's a Wiener Jack Russell mixed. She'll be ten this oh yeah, in a couple of weeks. She'll be ten on October first, m M yeah.
M hmm. What do you do day to day in the hospital, do you or no, you've been discharged, so are you are you working or are you going to school?
So right now I'm just trying to heal as much as I can. I'm looking to maybe start putting out applications again beginning next year, you know, with my hands still being kind of weeded, and also I can't move them like how I would like to be able to move them. My right hand's pretty okay, but my left ten.
It's not.
It's not so much a claw, but I can't I can't lay my hands flat, so it would be really it's really difficult for me to type. So you know, that's you know, typing is one really important thing in the job, uh for jobs. So yeah, but we'll see, we'll see.
M hm hmmm mm hmmmm. What else? Uh? What else have you been doing to bide your time?
I try to go hiking a little bit. But other than that, you know, I just sleep. I try to do you know, little tasks here and there around the house, like doing the laundry, trying to fold the clothes, trying to cook a little bit here and there, you know, just clean up the house a little bit y. But but yeah, it's a lot of sleeping, that's for sure. And yeah, it's pretty much therapy.
What do they what do they tell you in therapy? Do they tell you anything helpful?
I mean, you know, we just talk about lives. You know, we'll talk about the game, We'll just Yeah, whenever I have questions about my health and about my recovery, again, their answer is always, you know, we don't know. You know, everybody's different, so you know, I just I just go along with it. Do the do the exercises?
Uh?
Did they give you any pain killers?
You know, I'm so fortunate that I never had any pain. Yeah, I got so lucky with that. But I think that's because my nerves are so messed up now because below my below my you know, my waist, I lost all sensation. Uh so, so I can imagine that that really sucks, especially before trying to pass the time by. But yeah, so you know, there's no pain, but they do have me on a whole bunch of muscle relaxers.
Mm hmmm.
What are your plans or hopes for the future and in general.
The great question kick, Well, I hope I'll able to uh at the lower body strength to go hiking again. Before my injury, I was out hiking every day. So I hope I can be out there again, you know, road tripping, uh, just traveling and yeah, being able to find you know, just a decent job, you know, nothing crazy.
Mm hmmm mm hmm.
You know I felt so.
I mean, it's a bull edged sword, I guess, But in this sense, I was so happy that I wasn't married and had kids because, you know, me getting sucked up like this. I mean, could you imagine, you know, I'm not able to support my wife and kids because because of my accident, you know. Yeah, but at the same time, but at the same time, not having a wife and kids, you know, I'm so alone, you know, and I don't have so much to help me with this recovery. So again, it's a double edged sword.
But is that something you you are hopeful for for the future.
You know, I'm I'm such a realist, you know, I understand. I mean it's going to be hard for you. I mean, like there's no there's no girl out there thinking, yeah, let me let me go and find a quadriplegic right to spend the rest of my life with right, So I mean I totally get that.
But you know, dude, I will hold on. By the way, let me say that there are you know, I don't know if you ever, I don't know if you ever have been on the dating apps, but there are other women in wheelchairs on the dating apps for sure.
Yeah, you're not wrong.
That could be kind of crazy.
Yeah, they're not wrong. While but yeah, I mean, you know, if it happens, it happens, you know, I would I would love to be married someday. But I'm not uncomfortable being single. Okay. Like I said, I do have my dog, so I'm not completely alone.
Yeah, mm hmm. How about you? Lot?
Are you dating? What's up with you? Me?
I'm crazy, man, I'm uh I go, I go to the park and uh I'll see I'll see someone beautiful, and I'll be like and I'll walk away, and then I'll be like, I'm gonna I'm gonna go eat a sandwich. That's what I'll do. Uh what about me? I don't know. I have dreams and wants and desires and uh frustrations about my dreams and wants and desires that coexist with
UH optimism. So my frustration and my optimism co exists in a bit of a beautiful harmony with each other, and they drive me forward to uh uh not die, not want to die, and to you know, keep going. It's a weird it's a it's a it's a like a yin and yang. The optimism and frustration that I feel is like a like a little ball that uh
drives the car of my existence forward. I don't know, hope hopefully, you know, uh and they you know, some I've I've had periods of my life with that were about ninety five percent frustration slash apathy and five percent optimism, and then times that have been ninety five percent optimism and five percent frustration. And they're both there. Both of those things are are as as you know, as a realist,
both of those things are dangerous. You don't want to be you don't want to be too apathetic and frustrated, but you don't want to be uh uh blindly optimistic to the fact that you'll never experience anything bad ever again. So right, yeah, I don't know, that's that's that's I guess my answer of what's going on with me?
All?
Do you play video games?
You know I used to be my accident, you know, my hand. Yeah, yeah, but but uh yeah, yeah I do. I've been watching a lot of Netflix and yeah yeah HBO, Max Peacock. I just been running through a lot of shows that I've also already watched.
I know, you said, I mean, I know you're like kind of dealing with like loneliness in general, Like, do you you know I think that Yeah. Normally, I think it's best to like go out in person to like meet people hang out with people. But if you can't do that, I mean, there is a lot of great communities on discord and Reddit and Twitch that you can you know, be a part of. I mean, look, there's people hanging out of my Twitch chat right now. Do you do you take advantage of any of that?
I do not.
Mm, yeah, you should consider it, you know. Yeah, if if you don't have the means to, you know, leave your house right now. I think it's a good thing to look into. But it's also nice because, you know,
once you're feeling better and more mobile. I mean, I know a lot of people I have friends who you know, have met and you know, people who listen to this podcast I'm sure who have met people in like Reddit or discord or Twitch and uh, you know, or like online means and have then actually, you know, through those online means, gone on to create like genuine you know,
friendships that exist on the computer. So I think it's I think I think if you're like, I guess all this is to say, and I appreciate you sharing you know, your your vulnerability and your story. And I'm also thinking about your situation from like a logistical standpoint, and I think that if you if you do feel frustrated and you feel like you're spinning your fucking wheels, like being at home and you know, not having anything, not not having anyone at home and then not being able to
go out, it fucking sucks. And I think if you're spinning your and I would just say, like, I think if you're spinning your wheels over that, and you're like, okay, I need like a just some sort of like outlet to feel like I'm not spinning my fucking hamster wheels and I'm like trying to do something because I think that's that's kind of what settles the brain ultimately, is when it feels like it's not spinning its wheels and it's like we're actually fucking trying to do something about how,
you know, the bad shit we're feeling. I think it's not a terrible idea to, you know, give a shot to joining like you know, a Reddit or a Twitch or a discord community. You know, even if there was like a video game that you used to play, right, like, uh, you know, like what's a video game you used to be really into, like nbh ok NBA two K? I mean great, you could you could go into you could go into like a two K Discord and be like, you know, hey, what's up. My name is uh, you know,
uh Jonathan for twenty. That's the username I came up with for you and and I and I. You know I I used to play a lot of two K, but then I got into this accident blah blah blah. But I'm just here because I love talking about the game. Blah blah blah. Someone be like, oh, hey was that? You know, It's it's worth giving a shot. I would say, if you're if you're spinning your wheel and you want to talk to someone, yeah, totally what is your not Jonathan for twenty?
Name again Stanley?
Stanley. There used to be a What the fuck was that show on the Disney Channel where there was a guy named Stanley who like hung out with animals? Do you know what I'm talking about?
I do not.
You don't know what I'm talking about.
I don't. I really don't.
Okay, I'm gonna look that up after this phone call. But yeah, again, man, thanks thanks for sharing. I hope that. I guess just before we go, like, is there anything else that you wanted to talk about, or any other like I don't know shit you wanted to talk through, or any other way that like this this phone call could be helpful to you.
Yeah, I mean to anyone listening now or you know Winness is up on YouTube or whatever, you know, anyone going through anything similar or going through a dark spot, just just know you come through it. Because when I was discharged from the hospital just two months after my accident, you know, I was back home and like I said, I was alone, and man, I fell into a deep depression and you know, you know, dealing with with suicide. Can I say that?
Okay?
Yeah, you know I was. I was, I was battling suicide there because you know, I mean, I was still you know, learning to walk again. I mean, you know, I just didn't know how much my body would heal back, right, and again, you know, just battling the mental battle as well. I you know, it would just be so easy to
just to just pull that trigger. But after about maybe about a month, maybe two months, and I started to feel better, you know, you know, I you know, I started you know, outpatient therapy, and again, you know, the therapists were wonderful, did a great job, you know, and then you know, it just took it a day at a time right now, and then, yeah, the past several months have been have been great. And yeah, so to everyone listening, just you know, just take a day ahead
of time, and you know it will get better. It really will get better.
I appreciate you sharing that sentiment, man, and I hope things go better with you. I hope that you're able to find some sense of community and some sense of like a good path forward for yourself. And I appreciate you sharing your your optimism with the class.
Absolutely.
Thank you, Gek, take.
Care of Stanley. Good luck. Yes, sir, that was a nice guy, Stanley.
Ship.
What the fuck was I going to say? Uh? Yeah, that was that was nice? I mean, yeah, I've had. I've had yes times where I felt uh, you know, I think I think one of the nice things I thought about recently is that I've had a lot of also times where you know, I felt uh uh suicidal or insane, and to then look back and be like, oh, wait, life actually feels kind of normal and chill. Now. It's like, oh, I didn't even know that would like when I was feeling that way, I didn't even know it would be
possible to not feel that way in the future. So, you know, something to that, something to stand optimistic. Wait, okay, what's the name of this fucking cartoon Disney Channel? Stanley Stanley. Oh, it's just called Stanley. Okay, all right, I'm not crazy. It's called Stanley and it's about this guy Stanley who he hangs out with animals. I thought it was like riding a dinosaur or some shit, or he's like a pet tiger. Okay, okay, I'm not crazy. This existed. Hello, folks,
it's Lyle here. That's the end of this episode. But get this, I'm releasing a bonus episode this week. That's right then, entire extra hour of the podcast that you can listen to by becoming a Premium member of Therapy Gecko over at therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. Supercast subscribers get access to bonus episodes. They get a completely ad free podcast feed of the regular show, They get recordings from my live shows, members only streams, and they
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We started a delivering pizzas and a pretty shady part of a nearby city. Didn't make it two months through that until some guys actually tried to kill me.
While you were delivering pizzas.
Yeah.
I'd call my girlfriend back and I'm just like, yeah, it's like, what happened?
What happened?
Are you okay? I was like, I just got stabbed.
You don't.
If you want to hear this full conversation, you can sign up to become a premium member at therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com or find the link in the episode description that's therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. All right, I have nothing else to say. They goes on the line taking your phone calls every night, Then goes, I was teaching you aloud in the memory of life is not an expert