All from Richard. Oh shure, dude, I called you so many times trying to get into this bitch. How you doing?
What's going on?
My dog?
How can I be a lizard on the phone with you today? My good sir?
Uh? You know, in all honesty, I just really wanted to talk to you. You seem like a really cool dude. I really appreciate the advice from the perspective from your podcast, and I'm a really big fan and I have like a few things we could talk about or we just talk about nothing significant and just bullshit.
Well, thank you for the kind words.
Man.
I'm trying my best. Uh. Well, let's see, you see, I'm picking up some vibes from you immediately. I'm a little nervous.
I'm a little nervous. I got anxiety. Okay, Okay, have spoken?
Have we ever spoken before?
We haven't. But I get that a lot from a lot of people. I don't know. I have a very welcoming demeanor.
I guess, Uh, what's your name? What's your name?
Richard?
Richard? Well, you said you said, you said you had a couple of things you wanted to talk about. Why don't you hit me with one.
I'm thinking about quitting my band that I've been with for like nine years now. I'm in this recording cycle with someone that's a situationship that, uh, I like this person they want most of it than what I do. But at the same time, it's like, I don't know, I don't really feel that way towards them, but I do like them a lot. And also I don't know, I'm really just trying to balance out my life, like uh, that perfect balance of walk, play, family, friends, alone time,
and I've had a real hard time socializing. And it's kind of a whole backstory to that one where something happened and I ended up in a personality crisis so to speak.
Wah, a personality crisis?
Yeah, so I uh, a long time ago, I started meditating and stuff and queued into my ego and saw like this plaque pit just expand into it and I knew immediately what it was, and ever since then, I've been working on this path towards enlightenment so to speak.
Okay, And how did yeah, how did this lead to a personality crisis?
Well, okay, so you know, growing up, I didn't have the best role models and ideas of what things wore, you know what I mean, Like you kind of grow up with this sense of what is right, and then when you get older, you realize what you think is right is wrong. And you know, I tried to I always tried to become something that I wasn't and now and then I realized that, you know, like I was
becoming something horrible. Like I woke up one day and I realized I had become everything I hated, despite everything I tried to do, became everything I hated, and I just saw the endline in that, and I was like, I'm not doing this anymore. So I changed and it led. That was twenty seventeen, and it led towards this really big progression in myself. But I got stuck in this duality of mind between who I was, who I am,
and who I wish to be. So it created this real bad social anxiety of not knowing how to interact anymore with people.
And how did you eventually get over that and learn how to interact with people? Or is that something you're still dealing with?
You know, it's something I'm getting better with, but it's also something that I'm still dealing with. What I ended up doing is this, right, you can't live in the past what I did in the past and what anyone does in the past. You know, you don't have to be that push and you have to take accountability for your actions. And I do believe that. You know, like you should apologize if you need to or do something, but you know, like the real apology is changing and
acknowledging what you did wrong. Right, So I I say it. Sorry. I'm getting kind of bottlenecked in my head with that. It's a lot to explain. But basically what I've said is this is that I'm not that person anymore. I've changed a lot. There are a lot of people out there who don't know me because I don't really hang around with those people that used to. And you know, like I like myself and a lot of people like me.
I'm a friendly dude. I'm kind of weird and awkward sometimes, but like real talk, you know, like a lot of the problems I suffer from are problems that I can't let go of and I make in my head. You know, hmm.
Hm, how how old are you?
Richard thirty five?
Thirty five? Yes, And what I just I'm just I'm just gonna ask some questions. I want to know what's going you know who you are, what do you do for work? Uh?
I did walk in the machine shop. It's nothing great, It's uh not what I want to do. And that's another thing I'm trying to get out of. But I also getting out of a shop is hard. I lived my whole life thinking I wasn't gonna make it this far, the whole punk rock life style of live fast die. Then I made it this far and I have a kid, and I'm like, I don't want to die anymore. I want to live. So now I'm stuck here like kind of organizing my life at thirty five, and it is overwhelming.
So let's let's talk. This is interesting. So you uh yeah, you mentioned that you were in a band and you were living a how long? How long? How long have you been in this like punk rock scene for a living fast and doing such and such.
Living it? And so I found out about punk at twelve. It was Black Flag and I flagged stuff like that and then that was like, that's all I wanted to
do was play punk music. And then I started going to shows and hanging out about the age of fifteen, and that's when I really kind of I just don't forced into it and was like, fuck it, this is me, this is what I'm doing, and I loved it, and like that was all fun and games until you know, like witness a lot of people dying, you also see a lot of people that are kind of hypocritical, and then you realize like, oh, shure, I am just like this person, and then like the people you idolize, Like
why am I idolizing this dude? He's a fucking horrible person. Like I sorry if I'm getting a little sidetracked or anything or off topic.
Well, so when did you have your kids?
I had my kid young. I was twenty one when she was born.
Oh shit, okay, so you've had a kid for a long time, yes, okay, And how has that affected your life?
It made me think less selfishly. I didn't want my daughter to watch her dad grow up through a jail cell, okay. And it also made me think about you know, because like it made me think about real talk and made me think about like how I treated women and how I treated others, and you know, like do I want my daughter to see her dad doing this shit or do I want you know, because what she sees me do, She's gonna see in other people, and that's gonna kind
of determined normality for her. And I didn't want her thinking that normal was, you know, like getting in fights and getting black out on drugs and shit. You know mm hm, So I would say, you know, I didn't I'll say this, I never wanted a kid, But now that I haven't who I couldn't picture my life without her, And she's honestly changed me for the better.
Is the mom still around?
Yeah, we're not together, but we get along really well. Now we actually have like a really nice relationship with each other.
That's great. What it was, Yeah, what was it like having a daughter at twenty one? That sounds like it was it?
Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna say it real, but like it was hard because like I said, I didn't want a kid. I never wanted a kid, you know, like I uh wasn't a good person to have a kid, because, like I said, I was living to die and I was with this goal. We were in high school together, kind of high school sweethearts, and we were together for a while and that's a whole nother story. Like I kind of got sober for a while for her, and we lived together, and for a while it was a
really codependent relationship. She was I lived at her house, didn't see any of my friends. I didn't go out, didn't do anything, and I think and I started to get really unhappy because you know, I wanted to go out and do stuff. I'm young at that age. And then I'm gonna leave out the details on how because like there's my theory, but at the end of the day,
it doesn't really matter. Like she got pregnant, but she knew I was trying to leave, and so, uh, you know, she got pregnant, and I think she kind of thought that it would save the relationship. I don't know. I can't really talk for her. That's just like my impression. But won't behold. It didn't because you can't save a relationship with a kid. And we ended up splitting up. And I'm not gonna lie. First couple of years, you know,
I like a dog off the leash. I went out and I partied, but like in the back of my head, I was like, man, I got a daughter. I can't be doing this shit, and so like I kept trying. So eventually I came around and I was like, you know, I want to be a part of my daughter's life. My dad wasn't there for me too much, and I wanted to be better than that. I wanted you know, she didn't ask to be brought into this world. It wasn't her fault that me and her mom had unprotected sacks.
So like, I, uh, you know, I really decided that, you know, like I wanted to be there for her and all that. So I kind of just stepped up and was like fuck it, you know, like I have this kid, and I kind of found this balance between going out and having fun in the punk rock life styles but not going overboard and still being there for like dance recitals and cheerleading games and all that shit. But so I don't know, I'd kind of segue that into the band. If you want.
Sure, I mean, yeah, sure, go ahead.
So I've been with this band for nine years. It's called EKG. Check us out. We're really fucking fun. The lineup we have right now is the best we've ever had. We've gone through a lot. There's only two original members left to me and the guitar player. The two originals, we have a new drummer and a new bass player that have been for there for like three years, and that's been years because like my life, you know, like if I could, if I had the opportunity in life,
I just make music. I love it. I love music, I love making it, I love playing it, I love writing it. And so I put a lot of my heart and soul into this band. But you know, a lot of the stuff I was writing I was also I wouldn't say out of control. I was casually using like acid and mushrooms, you know, not like, oh my god, overdoing it like every night. But you know, I'll go out here and there when I had the night to myself with friends, go out your party and come home.
You're fucking sober up for like a week and then you know, kind of ride that line. But I recently and complete well exceptual weeds, completely sober now for like three or four years, I had a self realization and like even I wasn't using it too much, I was like, you know, I gotta I've never had, never really been sober sober for a very long time, and I wanted to do it. A lot of my friendships felt like they were more based around like us just getting high together.
We weren't doing anything horrible, but like it wasn't really anything productive either. And so you know, my bandmates great guys, love them, you know, as they like to have their fun every now and again, and me, I don't have that kind of my idea of fun is now like Cress and Yu Gi oh and drawing and D and D like I like to stay in now and I just don't feel like the same person. I feel kind of out of place with the rest of the band, if that makes sense.
Are you enjoying life more now that.
You're sober, that's a that's a yes and no in different ways. So in twenty seventeen, life was the best. From twenty seventeen twenty twenty, right before the pandemic, oh man, I was riding. I was high and but like I wasn't out of control, but like my anxiety was low. I was in touch with myself spiritually and emotionally, like
I still am all that. But like you know, when you're sober, you have to find it's hard being a sober guy with people who like to drink or you know, like get high like that, you know, and not talking about like weed not.
I'm gonna stop you. I want you to finish what you were saying. You were talking about why you know why you look back at twenty seventeen to twenty twenty as so it's a great time.
Well, because how do I say this? I wasn't in my head. I was just me. I was just Richard. I had seen this horriboneness within myself, and I knew what I didn't want to be, and I became the opposite. I became what I wanted to be. I was my true,
authentic self. And then there was a relationship long behold that I thought was like the greatest thing in the world at the time, because I was with this person and I was in love and like I you know, I had settling down for me was a hard thing to do, but I was like, I wanted to marry this. This person said let's get married. I was like, let's get married, you know, like I loved her. And it came crashing down and it was really hard for me
to lose them because they were my best friend. They were my best friend for a very very long time, and I'd always liked them, and then we finally got together and I thought this was it. I was like well, suare you know, I've been putting forth all this walk into myself and maybe like this is just it, like I just kind of get my happily. Ever after it didn't happen in the breakup. It wasn't like ugly in the sense that like like I wasn't gonna like call
her any names or anything. I just wanted her to be happy. But it was hard because I lost her, you know, like I lost my best friend and like, and that happened like at twenty twenty when that whole thing happened, And so I felt very lost and distraught for a very long time, like until like about last year it was starting to get a lot better, Like twenty twenty three, I felt like I was kind of coming into my own again.
So you had this period of time twenty seventeen to twenty twenty where you were feeling yourself. You were, as you put it, that actually had. The thing you said that struck me the most was you were not in your head. You were in your life, you know. Yeah, yeah, I mean that's when life that's just when life fucking sucks, is when you're in your head and you're not actually
in your life. And so you're in your life twenty seventeen to twenty twenty, You're in this relationship that you know, after all this hard work and all this time, you're like, Okay, finally I have you know, my quote unquote happily ever after. Why you know, you don't have to get into it if you don't want to. You don't have to give us a ton of details or anything at all. But like I mean, you know, briefly, why do you think it could it crashed down?
Uh? You know, I'm gonna what I have to say on that. I feel sounds projected because I don't know. She never gave me an answer. She would leave and she'd come back, and should leave and she'd come back. She'd leave and she'd come back, and like long story show. I have a few theories and what I think it was, And I don't know, like I said, because she never told me. We never I never got the closure. I kind of had to give myself closure on that. What I think happened was one I was just kind of
there to be a space filler. I don't know if that's true or not, But you know, like she had a hard time being alone, and I was your best friend, and you know, it was pretty obvious that I liked her, you know what I mean, Like I'm'm sure I wasn't fucking coy about it or subtle, and so I think she knew that. And you know, like it's easy to be with someone who likes you so much you don't have to worry about them, you know, because you know
they're in these so much. You don't have to worry about anything because you kind of know that, like this person isn't gonna leave a cheat or anything, right right. Yeah, It's like have you ever seen Rick and Morty. It's at the end of one of the episodes where he goes MODI says to uh, what's his crush from that name? Uh?
Show?
Yeah, he says, you wanted someone who liked you so much that you didn't have to like yourself.
M m m hm.
So that's one two. I think she had a hard time being happy because she seems legitimately and like I said, again, I don't know, she seemed pretty happy, Like me and her kids got along really well. She my daughter loved tors we uh and like I said, really really close friends.
Like she she had kids too, she did Yeah, Okay, so you guys have like a little family gone.
Yeah. You know it's funny too because like the guy who didn't want a family out of the set to me after my daughter, guy who didn't want a family, I was signing up for the family, you know. I was like, let's do this. Let's fucking to do this right, right right, And that was kind of a weird thing, you know. I caught myself on that and I was like, huh, you know, like funny how things change.
M hm hm. And so do you still talk to this one? Or she she gone out of your life?
Uh, we don't talk anymore. We haven't she hit me up, she'd send me a friend request, and I after everything, you know, it's one of those things. I felt like I spent so much time getting over her that after like a knits her. I love her, Like it's hard not to love her. She's an amazing person, you know, like generally great person. The connection that like I haven't known before since, but like it's hard to believe that
anything is going to change at this point. I feel like the thing that had to change was me and horror realizing that what we had was unsustainable, you know, like it just didn't walk, even if it felt like it should, Even if she did feel the way I felt, it didn't walk for whatever reason, and like that's okay, it didn't have to. It showed me love Israel. It showed me that I'm capable of finding people to be in relationships with that I can be happy with and
I feel like, get me. It showed me a lot of positive ahead its negative effects, because like, I'll be honest, me, trusting people and letting people in hard to fucking do. Now, you know it's true, but I know that it's not like the world isn't like, oh the world's terrible.
Yeah, well it's it's crazy to have a period of your life, or have a relationship or or you have a relationship period of your life where you're like, oh my fucking god, it's I finally did it. I finally did it. After all this time and all this work and all this things that didn't work out, and all the stress of this anxiety, I'm finally living this version of my life where I'm like we talked about not
in my head, I'm actually in my life. I'm with this person that I feel extremely secure in this relationship and as a whole, extremely secure in my life. And to go from feeling that to having it, as you said, crash and burn. It's like it's almost like you realize that that feeling can never be counted upon ever again. And that's how you're operating from. And that's like the toughest goddamn thing on the planet Earth.
You know, you said it pretty well there, Like it's again this fuality of mind and that's you you know, only thing about Buddhism or anything like that.
I maybe read a fucking quote on an Instagram. I'm not gonna act.
Like I'm like the most qualified person non Buddhism. But there is this thing about it where they talk about duality of the mind and how someone who is fighting with themselves can never be at peace. And that's what you said there is true because I know in my rational mind that you know, like, love is possible if you just put yourself out there, if you give yourself theopa if you don't.
You know that in your rational mind, of.
Course, love is real. But just because love doesn't last doesn't mean it's not real. Love is a feeling, Love is something you give. It's just there, Like why isn't it love. I don't get. That's the thing I don't understand. It is like people are going over the gloves. Of course, it's real. You just had someone that you cared about and it didn't work out, and that sucks. And I'm
not saying it doesn't suck. I know it sucks. But what I'm saying is is that, of course love it's real because it's what you feel, it's what you give, it's what you put in. Love doesn't always work out the way we want it to, but if we pay attention enough, you might learn something about what went wrong.
And what have you learned?
Oh, you gotta be okay with letting go people. You can't hang on to everyone. There's a lot of people that I wish stayed in my life, and if I had it my way, they would have. But I don't have it my way, and they didn't stay. And you know what, that's okay. They're gonna go on to be happy with their life and I'm gonna go on to be happy with mine and I'll have the time we shared together, and that's what's really important. Right. It's so tough, though,
Oh yeah, no, that's fucking tough. A shit, Look, I haven't met. Here's here's how I know love is real because what I felt with that woman I have felt with some bunch of people. Love isn't something you experienced once with one person. It's something you experience multiple times with multiple people, multiple different ways. And like you know, like, oh my god, there's another goal and this is a little bit more recent. I'm not going to say your name.
I'm not gonna say your name or anything, but I really it was another goal that like I was head over, he was crazy for and she liked me a lot, but not in that way right, And like I had some shit I had to deal with, I think before we could be friends, because it was hard for me
to let go of my feelings for Horns. But you know, at the same time, you know, like I, it's also hard to be around someone that you have feelings for like that when they don't, because then you feel like you're projecting shit onto them and you're looking for these little clues and shit like.
That, you know, and like, uh so, so let's jump to now.
Something.
What what are you doing? How are you how are you well? I mean, how are you attempting to You said you were trying to organize your life now at thirty five and and what what does that? What does that look like?
You know, it's a it looks like a progress, That's what it looks like. You know. Here, so here, I'll give you like a rundown. Right. So, like I don't do much on the weekday because like I try to like make sure I get to walk, you know what I mean, Like I want to have financial stability in my life, which is something that I kind of struggle with, and so I try to less watch less TV, and
I try to smoke less weed. So what I'll do is when I get off walk, I'll go for a bike ride, I'll go to the gym, I'll go for a walk. Maybe I'll go to like a cool store that like I want to check out. And like, you know, that kind of doubles as me socialized. I use it as a double. I don't do much socializing, but like you know, if you put yourself out there in the world, there's the potential to meet new cool people. Right, So, like, you know, I try to not be in front of
the TV until like seven o'clock. Seven eight o'clock is when I'm like, okay, this feels like the right time for me to go get stoned and watch like stupid TV shows or play Yu gi oh or oh. Like you know, like I draw, like at walk instead of watching TikTok all day when I'm on break. I draw
because I love to draw and I want to get better. So, like, you know, it's like trying to take these negative cycles and replace them with more positive ones that'll make me feel more fulfilled because I'm putting more time and effort into the things I like, right Like, I'm putting more time into working out, which makes me feel better about myself. I'm putting more time into my hobbies like playing guitar or you know, like just exploring and getting out there
and trying. I guess the balance is what is the balance between alone time, socializing, walk, play and rest?
Right you know, man, listen, you sound like you sound like you doing a pretty pretty decent job at putting your life together.
I'm trying. I'm trying. It's hard because it's hard. You know, we get in our own heads. It's hard. It's hard when you live in your head, and it's hard when you live in the moment. In the moment kind of sucks, you know, Like you do.
You feel like lately you've been living in your head or you've been living in your.
Life fifty fifty split. If I'm being honest, like I'm meditating again, and I'm not like, so I noticed that like a lot of the shit, all the bad shit happens in my head because I think of all the shit that could go wrong, right, But you know, I'm like, I remind myself, this is in my head. This isn't happening in real life, in real time. This is y me thinking of consequences that yeah, don't usually fucking happen.
So I just say, you know what, unless that happens, unless this negative thing happened, I'm not gonna think about it because then I'm just priming myself for something that might never fucking happen. So I'm getting better at it. I'm uh, We're getting a lot, We're getting a lot better at it. I would say it's it's I feel like myself again more lately. One thing that I'm having
trouble with is like breaking bad news to people. And I'm getting better with that because you know, like sometimes like I have this tendency to stay in things, and this is kind of the band thing again, you know, like I love that band, and I I'm not the problem with quitting it is that I don't know if I really want to, but I kind of want to see what else is out there, you know, like I've been going to punk shows and doing all this shit for so long and it feels like there's so much
to explore. And you know, like again, like I said, I feel like with the people I do it with, they're great people. I love them. They're not bad people, don't have any like bad blood with them, but like what they want to do and how they want to do it and what I want to do.
Do you do you feel alone? Do you feel lonely?
There's a difference between alone and lonely, but no, not anymore. I feel alone, but I like to be alone. You know, you're only alone as alone as you make yourself.
Right.
The truth is is that like I feel, I mean, I mean, it's hard, right because we're all complex beans. There's so much to all of us that it's hard to feel like anyone could really know us, and it's scary to think that anyone could accept us, because let's face it, a lot of us have a hard time accepting ourselves. I feel alone sometimes it's a feeling that comes and it goes. I'm not gonna act like I'm
immune to it. But when I feel alone, I reach out to my friends, I reach out to my daughter, my fucking you know, like I put myself to remind myself that alone is just a state of being. Being lonely sucks. And you know, you're gonna meet people who don't get you or maybe have some kind of our curative motive for what they want to do with you. But like, there are people who generally will like you.
And if you give those people, if you give people a chance, and you can know when to say, okay, this relationship, friendship, romantic family, whatever kind of relationship it is, this relationship feels unhealthy, and then you can unicate and address that. You're like, look, you know, like this this doesn't feel right, but this does. And I think that's how you kind of combat it, right, the loneliness, you.
Know, Richard, I I appreciate this conversation. I really do. I I like something to you.
Yeah, sure, go ahead, I really appreciate you. Gut, I do like no, no, for real, for real, like honestly, and like everyone who's called in too. They've your show and the people who called in and you with your advice. It helped me get to points where I'm at now, you know, because we an'll need help and like, you know, like it's funny. I Charlie, I'm over talking. Fucking you have something you want to say and I cut you off. I'm sorry, go ahead, No, I just ramble. I will
ramble unless you say what you want to say. I will ramble on a tangent and get way off course.
It's all right. I was just gonna well, I enjoyed this conversation, and you know, this is kind of this is kind of one of the things I like doing about this podcast is that I just get to kind of hear about, you know, other people's like lived experience, you know, which is nice because it feels like that's that's kind of feels like, uh, it feels very authentic to me to get to hear other people's lived experiences because it's like it's something you can't argue with, you know,
like there's you know, everyone can go and say like you know whatever, like I don't know whatever, political opinions or talking about like you know, bullshit or whatever. But I like, I like hearing about people's fucking lives and feelings for this kind of reason.
That's why I love you, because it kind of gives you empathy towards others. Like we all look at people from a perspective, and when we're in a shitty mood, if you need to say, this person's being a bitch
or this person's being an asshole. But there's so much going on with those people, so when you can hear their side, you really get the sense of where they're coming from, you know what I mean, Like there's so much more that we don't know, and like if we kind of opened up to that, it's hard to do. I'm not gonna say it's not. I have a hard time with it, but you know, and that's why I love your show, because it's like, you know, people probably
look at like this puts him. One of my favorite calls was the dude who was talking about the night trists and how he thinks he should quit but he's like not sure if he should.
The night shift and what how did you just talk about the night shift? How old was this do you remember?
This was like a few weeks ago, So he was talking. He was telling you he had like a big spiritual awakening on nitris. He did like a bunch of.
Nitris Oh Nitri Yeah, the NITRISUS guy. Yeah, of course.
Yeah. And it's funny because I really related with that. I was like, yeah, no, I was fucking been there and you were trying, and I thought it was funny because like, you guys are both trying to say something, and I felt like neither one of you kind of got with you. I get where you were coming from with it that you didn't need the drugs because you don't, right,
you don't need the drugs. But like, I'll be honest, spiritual journies, you know, when you kind of synonymous with like fucking drugs, Let's face it, Like, how many people have you heard say I went and did ayahuasca and had this huge religious you could have the grand.
Sure I was. I actually I do. I read comments I read. I probably shouldn't, but also fin maybe I should know you could I should I know I should. I read a lot. I read a lot of YouTube comments, and like on Spotify, I read I read every comment. I read every YouTube comment and Spotify comment, and somebody.
It's not feel when you do that. Well.
Somebody commented on that call and they wrote, Lyle was taking a moral high ground on this call, and that upset me because the last thing I ever want to do on any of these phone calls is take any kind of moral high ground. But then I re listened to the phone, but I understood where he was coming from. I guess.
For for me, Constellation, I didn't feel like you were taking a more high ground. I kind of thought it's hard to know, you know, because drugs are a whole different mindset and you kind of have to be like a have have been someone who has been there to really understand that kind of a mindset, right, because like you can't explain you can explain what acid and mushrooms feel like, but like it's one of those things you kind of got who experience to actually know.
Well, well, anyway, you know, thanks, thanks for having this conversation, Richard. I'm glad to hear that everything seems like you know, I know you're talking about sorting your life out, but I think you're doing a good job. And I actually, I really since sincerely, I I I feel a lot of what you're talking about, and I empathize with it in a lot of you know, my own life, and so you know, I really appreciate you coming on here and sharing all of this.
No, thanks for having me.
Is there anyone go ahead?
No, I was just gonna say I wasn't sure I was gonna get on because I called you like film. I was like, I probably look like a weirdo.
Is there anything else you want to talk about or say to the people of the computer before we go.
I mean, there's always something to talk about, but I do have this to say before I go to the people of the audience. It's all you beautiful people listening. I want it to be known. I have six dicks, one for fucking and one for fighting.
You have Okay, you said you had six. You had six.
Dicks, one for fucking and one for fighting.
But you said you had six. What are the other four for?
Described to my only fans? You'll find out, all right?
Take care, Richard.
I love you. So.
I'm sorry that I didn't give him ample time to promote his OnlyFans. But if anyone caught his band, let me know how it is. I didn't catch his band, but if anyone catches his band and decides to look it up. Let me let me know in the comments of this video slash podcast, what what you guys think. I have a few I have a few post call thoughts.
I'll just read it what I said. One of the reasons I like doing this podcast is, you know, again, like the I feel really grateful for this opportunity that I have to get to like facilitate other people talking about their lived experience because it's just it's one of the most real things in life. To me, is again just people being like, this is what my life has been, like, this is how I felt about it, and it's you
can't it's not something you can like argue with. It's just it's just real and so and again I empathized with a lot of what Richard was talking about. He was talking about really difficult situations and feelings that are tough, and it's really cool. I'm just like thinking about it because I sometimes I just fucking like do this show and I don't think about it, and I get these little opportunities to to really be like, you know, hey,
that was actually really something right there. And yeah, again he's talking about really real things, and I like the idea that you know, I'm listening and it's it's resonating with me, and I hope you know other people who are listening and it resonates something with them, And yeah, I don't know. I don't know if I feel like I had something else I wanted to say about all this stuff, but I forgot and I have to go pee. So thanks Richard for sharing your story, and good good luck.
We're all trying our best, dude, good goddamn life is crazy. Attention listeners of the Therapy Gecko podcast. Do you know that I do a live version of this podcast on stage in person, in front of real people, And that I'm doing this live show in several cities across the United States and Europe this fall, and that tickets are available right now at therapy geckotour dot com or at the link in the episode description. It is all true.
I'm currently on my third tour doing Therapy Gecko Live all around the country and it is the most fun, sick, amazing thing ever and you should come out and be a part of it. The shows involve a mix of curial and presentations from myself combined with a group Gecko therapy session where members of the audience come on stage to share things from their lives in front of a big group of people, just like we do here on
the podcast. Whether you're a fan of the podcast or you have no idea what this is and you clicked on it by accident, you're gonna have a great time at the live show once again. Tickets are available right now at therapy geckotour dot com or at the link in the episode description. These are really fun shows. They're always wild, they're always unpredictable, and I hope to see you guys there.
Hello, what's up?
Lyle? Hey?
What's up? How you doing?
Doug? Good? Good?
Sorry one sight, Yeah, you're good guy. So I was just talking about coworker.
What is your name? Chopping my child? Sorry? That was weird. Let's cut that out. Let's leave it in. Whatever, we're leaving it. We're leaving it in. We're leaving it at Sorry, I don't know. I'm sorry. I'm the one who I fucked this up. What's your name, sir?
My name is Atticus. But like the book, you know, like to Kill a Mockingbird, Like to.
Kill a Mockingbird? I like that. What's up, Atticus? How's would you want to talk about? On the show today.
Two things, but I think the biggest one is, like I feel like I'm scared to chase my dreams because they're kind of not normal, Like they're not the normal path that people take.
Well, you're talking to the right professional internet gecko.
You know, that's what I kind of figured. You're like a lime green man.
So.
You got it.
What's the dream?
So, like, I really want to grow like recreational cannabis for my state in like kind of an industrial level, not just like in your backyard thing, but like in a facility like a greenhouse.
There's a lot of people that do that. That's not that crazy.
I mean it's kind of crazy. So like I live kind of in the deep Midwest where it's still kind of frowned upon. So I'm a little worried of like the image of rings.
But the image you Okay, well now we're not. Now that's a different issue.
Oh yeah, Because I mean I think a lot of people think of like people who indulge in you know, cannabis are kind of I don't want to say they're like losers, but some of them are viewed as degenerate. And I'm a little worried that it's going to make me fail of that image, you know, like I'm worried of what's going to happen.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm really going to guess that about ninety five percent of people listening to this are extremely high right now.
Dude, I'm high at work right now.
Where do you work?
I work?
So I work for my my father who owns a horticulture company. So I work in the field already. Okay, So I'm currently in a plant yard looking at stumac.
What is sumac?
It's like a ten especially like a type of brush or a type of like shrubs that grows in typically like more air regions at like a hot temperature. So it's like the specific variety of tiger eyes.
Okay, that sounds cool, that's not I don't know where the tiger eye is. But we could keep going, because if I ask you what a tiger eye is, you're gonna say it's a specific We'll keeping forever. Yeah, You're gonna keep going and be like it's a specific type of of of note notre notre, notaram, and.
Like, yeah, we keep going, we do.
So I like again again, I'm still uh Okay, one curious why you're so down on your idea of growing weed.
Well, okay, so, like the issue is is, like since my father owns a company, he like the whole thing is that it's been owned by a like generationally, so like my great grandfather like started it and like my grandfather ran it and then like my dad has it, and now it's kind of like it's weighing on me. I do it, but I want to make it like
my own thing, you know. I want to change the the business into like a cannabis company, because we already have like all this stuff, you know, like every piece of like fertilizer, you know, soil, water types, you know everything.
Oh okay, you're trying to turn your dad's you're trying to turn your great grandfather's wholesome little cornfield into a fucking uh yeah.
Like like yeah, I want to grow some, yeah, some really nice weeds, and I want to provide it to people at like a fair cost that like with good branding and try and really just sell it as like more than just like some like bullshit idea, because I feel like some people don't have a lot of faith in it, you know, like because a lot of people say they're like, I want to grow weed, you know, I mean.
I think that's cool, man, what so, like, what's the how well do you know?
I'm like twenty, I'm technically I can't even smoke it legally within my state, but I already grow it, so I'm kind of like too deep in, you know, like it's too late.
Well what so wins? I'm okay. So the idea is that eventually you're going to take over your grandfather's farm, but I your dad's farm. But if you're only twenty, it's that sounds like something that's not going to happen for a long time.
No, So the weird thing is is like it it kind of isn't it kind of isn't so like since my dad he took it over when he's like thirty something or twenty eight, So I'm like twenty twenty right now. But I kind of already have quite a large role here because I go to school sure, like during the full time, like I'm a student, but I actually have worked here since I was eleven years old, and I'm already running the wholesale department for like plants, so like we sell.
The other businesses, Okay, it just feels to me like your this is it seems as though these are good things to be thinking about, but it sounds like you're like too early on the journey to be really like encountering any hard problems.
Yeah, I don't know. I guess the fear is like I got to commit to like getting some school going.
I'm just very filled with anxiety of like, you know, how to take that steps and let myself I'll kind of grow into the role, I guess because like my biggest thing is I kind of want to drop out of school and try and dedicate a lot more time to running a bigger operation for myself and save up some money so I can try and because it's impossible to get a loan as a weed business because like banks don't really trust you because it's a cast operation. Like no one buys like from a dispensary with like
their credit card. They don't really do that.
Uh.
I think it's a cool idea. What would you go to school for?
Well, so right now I'm going to school for business, but there's a few local colleges that started running cannabis programs. But I also kind of want to get a horticulture degree because I took all my generals already, so I already I only have one more year left to finish, and theoretically I could just take eight horticulture classes and graduates.
Do you want to go Do you need to go to college to start a weed farm?
Dude?
That's kind of.
What my like my friends and my mom were saying. But it's like it's a little scary to make that jump into like, you know, throwing everything else I have already built up kind of in the sense of like not throwing it away, but like you mean you.
Mean you mean you mean your credits.
Yeah, the credits, the cost because I already spent like thirty grand on going to school.
So it feels like, okay, okay, stop right then hold on stop real quick. Okay, you already spend thirty grund and going to school. How much more money would you spend if you continue to go to school and you graduated, like.
Probably a solid like fifteen to twenty thousand is what it's kind of looking like.
All right, so you're thirty grand of debt with turning into fifty grand of debt.
Oh I don't have debt. I pitted it out of pocket. So this issues is I'm gonna go into debt.
Okay, so you have forcoming debt.
Yeah, like a large amount, and I kind of don't want to do it because it's not necessary. I feel like the chasing my dream, you know, like like because look for you being a get go you know, was that a hard jump to go from being like a normal guy trying to do whatever be like a gecko.
Well this gecko costume cost me sixty dollars, so it's a significantly lower overhead, significantly lower overhead than what you are trying to do. But here's here's here's my opinion.
And this is just like, uh because like, all right, I went to a film school, and like, the the amount of money that it costs to go to film school, easily you could easily spend actually making fucking movies and to you and I don't know, and I'll give me a second, I don't know your industry, but I would just fucking take out a calculator and do some research and go, Okay, how much does it cost for me to upstart a business? How much does it cost for me to finish school? And I'm not saying I'm I'm
swear on my life. I'm not telling you drop out of school and start a weed farm because I don't know, but like I'm telling you, I'm telling you that that you should think about the math involved in this decision.
Yeah, no, you're right. I mean the gains are there long term, like the like you know, people say, like weed in cannabis is like the new tobacco or alcohol, you know, like everyone's smoking weed. So I kind of see it as like, you know, I could provide a product that people really like, but also, like me myself, I like knowing it's like clean, you know, Like I don't like buying weed from like people who do it illegally because you don't really know what's in it in the sense of like, well I have I.
Have new I have news for you, caller. All the weed you do is weed done illegally because you're twenty.
Yeah okay, yeah, but my own weed I grow is much better than the shit I buy, you know, like it's gonna be a lot like cleaner, because that's what I do right now, is like I grow in my house. So I grow like four to five plants, which get me about like a pound every few months.
Here's what I'll say, uh, you just whatever. Here here's here's here's what I want to say for this thing is uh, in your consideration of your decisions, I think the important things to think about are what you want to do with your fucking life? How much? How much money each thing would cost? How much money each path you want to take require, like logistical things. The things to not be thinking about, or what does my fucking dad want me to do?
Uh?
Which which one? You know, are people gonna think I'm a loser because I grow weed? Like those? Those are just the things to not be thinking about.
That's that is very fair. I feel like it's the underlying anxiety of like taking a step out of what I'm doing currently and kind of you know, jumping off into the pool is kind of the scary part. I think that's kind of the hurdle is, Like I mean, in my like free time, I read a lot of
like horticulture books about this stuff. Like I know, I like I'm doing the steps, but it feels it's scary to like go all in, like to tell something like my dad, who I respect a lot, Like, Hey, Dad, I want to take your business and change it into something new, And he of course encourages me to do like chase my dreams, but I don't know if you encourage me to chase my weed dreams.
I'll say this, my gut is telling me this, and I'm gonna try to say something that's I'm gonna try to work beyond my typical diplomatic answers to these kinds of things. Oh wow, my gut is telling me and I I mean this, Yeah, the fact that you're sitting around reading horror culture books on your own time is like, yeah, you're you're developing a skill, like a very hard skill. Yeah, And that tells me that no matter what happens to you, you're gonna be just fine.
You know. That gives me a lot of reassurance. Mystery of mister Gecko man, Like, that's a that's making me feel very very that. It is nice to hear you know that more than just people that are supposed to care about you in the sense of like you know, your family and friends, but like hearing someone else say like, yeah, you got it, you got you gotta just go for it.
Well, I that's I guess. All I'm saying is that, uh, you have a skill which is more important than like a degree, and so yeah, better be fine person.
That's great. But yeah, no, that's that is a yeah, that's good.
By the way I this, I'm gonna I'm gonna take a second and be a hypocrite and I'm gonna say, uh, this.
Is a weird.
This's a weird thing about weeds. Like I've been smoking weed habitually since I was like fifteen, and yeah, I keep smoking it like thinking that it's nothing to doesn't affect me in any way. But I'm one hundred percent sure it's made my memory. I'm like a forty percent sure, I'm sixty percent even right, I think it's made me
a little stupider. I'm gonna keep doing it. I have no plans to stop, but it's I will, but as like I can't, I have plans to stop doing it, like as I continue, I just I want to just be honest with myself and go, yeah, this is I don't know if this is as beautiful a thing. I don't know if this is a good thing for me to do, but I have no plans to stop.
You know, I I don't want to say it, but like my grandfather died of like some low key lung problems from smoking figs for the last like thirty years, and he also probably had gut cancer could he ate terribly. So I'm kind of just thinking about it. I'm like, you know, my grandfather's just me, but in a different way. You know, like everyone's got their little little habits. You know, you might as well enjoy it if it makes you happy.
You know, I don't think I've ever heard a doctor say that, but let's go.
Hey, I'm not a doctor. I just grow this ship, you know. It's it's it's you know, you get high in your own supply.
Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
Uh?
You know, I would love to say that everyone needs to be a little nicer to themselves, you know, like life's tough, but you're a little tougher.
That's that's very sweet of you to say.
Absolutely, enjoy your Enjoy your night, mister gecko. I hope you get to smoke a nice joink and remember that the lawyer and to Kill a Mockingbird spoke to you.
Uh yeah, I'll try to think about that when I'm ok.
I love you.
Goes on the line making your.
Phone call every night you