Hello, hey, Lyle.
How's it going? Man?
What's up?
Is this?
Max?
This is this is.
What is happening with you?
Well, when I first dialed in, I was down thirty thousand dollars on the day. I'm a bit of a cryptocurrency trader and or degenerate gambler you could call me. And I'm now only down ten thousand on the day. So since I've been on hold for an hour, I've gotten twenty thousand dollars of today's loss is back.
All right, So to kind of I have not one hundred percent sure what you just said, But lifetime are you Where are we at.
In casino gambling? I'm down millions of dollars uh. With cryptocurrency and investing, I'm up a good amount. What's a good amount, two to three million in the last year before that? Maybe half that?
All right? So you're currently sitting on that's a life. I see. You're currently sitting on like two million dollars.
Hey, I have about two to three million. It's in crypto currency. But I I day trade in that sometimes in a week or two I can swing six figures easily, maybe more.
The day trading doesn't make sense to me. Because don't you have to pay like every time you sell off, don't you have to pay taxes?
No, you don't. With well, with cryptocurrency that it's kind of like a uncharted water is in a bit of a gray area. You can use. You can trade into these as other assets that represent, you know, the US dollar, but that are not actual US dollars. They're called stable coins.
Gambling is an interesting addiction to me. I'm excited to talk to you. I see you. We're doing you're doing the casino.
I've been gambling. I've been gambling forever. I'm thirty four years old. When I was fifteen years old, I bought a blackjack table from a friend's older brother, and I was dealing that like in the movie boiler Room. Remember that actor I forget his name, But I was dealing out of my house in high school, making a few hundred dollars every week from friends.
And how long you said, you're a professional of this, so you don't have it, so you don't have any other job?
No, no other job.
How long have you not had any other job?
I worked jobs on and off for short periods of time in my twenties. But when I kind of got a taste for big wins. It's kind of ruins the way I value, you know, a dollar. It can discuss some people the way I look at money kind of look at money just as units, seeking to acquire more of these units, so they totally disconnected emotionally from the value of a dollar to most people.
Interesting. Okay, So with that being said that you look at money as units, you're totally disconnected to the value of a dollar. Tell me what do you do with money? Do you spend any money?
I do? I do. I have a girlfriend who I live with, and you know, I treat herd of things and we go on trips and it's nice. One of the benefits of this lifestyle is being totally free time wise to do whatever I want. But it can also be like my you know, a double edged sword, and I can get so involved in these markets that I forget to enjoy life even though I have the freedom to go do whatever I want.
If that makes me, no, that makes total sense, right, because you're I mean, would you like you know, I want to hear from you, and I I say me putting words in your mouth, But would you consider yourself like a gambling addict?
Yeah, I would consider myself a savage, savage addict in general. But but but I used to use drugs. But I'm thirty four now I haven't in about half a decade. Whatever I find stimuli, I've become addicted to it. But that's been as way far back as I can remember, since I was, you know, under ten years old.
Right. See, it's interesting to me because you sorry, go ahead.
No, no, I'm just saying my addict, whatever stimuli or phase that I go through. Although gambling is now to two plus decades, different forms of gambling for two plus decades, there's always I'm always I'm just an addict, like you know, I'm always searching for the next stimuli.
It's interesting to me because you know, you have, you know, millions of dollars which frees you from the chains of like a nine to five job, which you know a lot of people need to be able to pay for fucking eating food and drinking water and living. But you are still chained to the markets. So even though you have freedom in some areas, illitated by a mental hold in other areas, which is an interesting particular.
Absolutely, I'll give you an example, and my priorities and like, are so out of whack. Here as an example, if I have to go do something for someone else or for myself, or travel somewhere, or I'm chronically tardy and I have no concept of time, and other people think that I'm either lazier don't care, and maybe they're right. But for example, if I if I have like trades in and overnight trades crypto currency trades twenty four hours a day, right, then the market never stops for crypto.
I will literally I'm biologically programs with an alarm system to wake up several points throughout each night, like as in, wake up at three am, check out these four positions,
adjust if needed, wake back up at five am. But if I need to get up for like a job, or to do something that's quote unquote responsible or non related to these addictions you know this life or profession or addiction, whicheveryone you want to call it, then I you know, I have no care and can't wake up and we'll sleep through alarms and yeah, my priorities are all out of black.
And you say it's been like this for years, like since you were fifty.
As long as I can remember. Yeah, I mean I see I see. I see it twice a week. I have like a one hour FaceTime with a with a renowned like addiction specialist therapist UH based out of New York City. We do it on FaceTime since COVID. But he, I mean, he helps me in ways, but I feel like I'm unhelpable in many ways. It's just like learning. It's the nature of my beast, if that makes sense.
So tell me about these FaceTime sessions you have with this guy. What kinds of things does he tell you?
We we end up talking about the markets for about half of every session or longer. That's that's usually an inevitable outcome of almost every session. But I mean we try to focus on on reminding me to stay grounded with things like physical exercise, focusing you know, time and energy and attention on my girlfriend, who who I neglect sometimes because of you know, my profession.
And have you told this guy that you FaceTime with? Have you told him you know your position about how you feel unhelpable? And if you have, what does he say in response to that?
Yeah, I mean, he he commends me on the progress that I've made, But sometimes I think he's giving me too much of the cup half full, you know, I get. I guess my I'm thirty four now. My twenties were a little bit more chaotic, you know, like in and out of casina. I have crazy stories about like living in Las Vegas for two years comped like three hundred out of three hundred and sixty five days in Las
Vegas casina. Those and crazy stories just living living life in a fast play that sometimes outsiders think it seems like it would be fun to live like that, but I promise you it's not.
So.
I think he kind of commends me for all. Right. Now, I have my office in my house with my girlfriend, and I've evolved to some extent. It's not like I'm running around the world in and out of casinos like I used to when I played poker for a living and did other things.
Well, that makes sense to me that he would commend you for that, because I mean, you were at this point that you're describing that's very bad, and you're thirty four now. I don't know how many years ago this was, but you are on a if you take that time and you take this time, you were on an upward trajectory toward I guess you could call it a healing or or towards being in a less fucked up crazy state. So it makes sense so that you're on the oppert and back.
Then I would mix in hardcore drugs ps. I would mix in hardcore drugs to my lifestyle and existence back then, which has been at least five or six years since I've dabbled in that, in.
That wrong what what is the what? What is it? What is the lowest point that you've been at? You would say.
The lowest point was I'm trying to think maybe getting arrested in Las Vegas for a frog like a fraudulent charge on a hotel room under the influence of meth. I think that might be a lull mm hmm.
Okay, So you got from there to now you have the house and the girlfriends, and uh you sound like I mean, you sound like you're still doing a lot of you know, kind of crazy stuff, but that at least you are living a somewhat normal life around it.
No drugs. Nicotine is the only you know, the vape is the only thing. I'm kind of a physical substance I'm still addicted to.
Yeah, the time about your girlfriend, had you meet her?
I met her in Las Vegas, U, And I kid you not. Around the time of that low that I just referred to, she had come to visit me in Las Vegles. I had a friend of mine fly her and his girlfriend who's who's her best friend out to Las Vegas to meet me. And I've been in Las Vegas for eight months when they came to meet me. And do you remember in the in the Matrix movie, I can't remember which one it was, but Neo and
all of them are in the Nebukaneza. They're in the ship in like the scorched futuristic world with all the robots control and they're on that ship of just like the ruined Earth, and the ship kind of comes out up out of the clouds and like it's freeze framed really slow on like Neo on Trinity, and they're they're above the scorch clouds and they see like Heaven and everything, like it's like beautiful of the scorch clouds and it's just like a five ten seconds and then then the
ship crashes back down if you remember that scene, and the Matrix ship goes back into the clouds, down into the scorched Earth. That was kind of like my girlfriend's one week visit to come to see me in Las Vegas, that her meeting her on that one week trip was like this breath of reality and fresh air. Then when she left after visiting that week, I went back down into the figure of chaos and the scorch ruined earth.
And so and so with that in minds, like, you know, to this day, you not doesn't sound like you're in Vegas anymore, and you don't do casino Gambley, but you don't crypto stuff. To this day, does she still kind of represent that for you, like a bit of calm and the storm.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm forever grateful for her to like seeing something in me back then, you know, five years ago.
And it's a relationship like with her now.
Good, bad and ugly, but probably more good than bad and ugly.
M What does she do?
She works for Trader Joe's.
Okay, cool cool, and what what is her sort of thoughts and feelings about what's going on with you?
I think, you know, she tries you. Sometimes there's periods of that are better than others. But I mean it's hard for her to argue with the results when things are going really well and financially, we're in a sound place. I think that, But I think she wants me to spend more time with her, yeah, and care for you know, care for her in ways that that I sometimes am lacking.
Well. You know, it's an interesting point you make just now, and you sound like you're very I mean, you've been dealing with this for like, you know, twenty years, so you sound like you're very self aware about the sort of mental ins and outs surrounding this whole thing because you've been everywhere mentally with it. But when you say it's hard for her to argue when things are going well, and again you've probably heard this before, but what exactly
is the barometer of things going well? Is it always like if we're waiting a bunch of money, that inherently mean the things are going well.
No? No, I think things are going better when I take a break and we go play golf or go out to eat, or go on a trip and I take time. I think I'm happier when I take time away from it. But it's always in the back of my head, and it's always one foam pull away to like be right back in it. I guess that's the quandary or conundrum that I'm in these days is not that I'm in these like hyper aggressive, risky situations that I used to be in regarding my aforementioned time spent
in Vegas and other places and on drugs. But nowadays I could kind of pull out the destructive you know, time consumpting, consuming behavior and it's all on my smartphone. One pull of the phone away, if that makes sense, and trying themselves.
Interesting. So so that's a very interesting point you make, because with the casinos, it's like, if you're away from Vegas, if you're in let's say, it says you're in New York. So if you're in New York and you're away from Vegas, you're away from the casinos. I mean, I guess there's online gambling and all that different ship. But it sounds like this ship is I.
Don't do that. I don't do the online but go ahead, sir.
But but it's but it sounds like this ship has evolved to even if you it used to be, you know, with the with the casinos, if you weren't around it, it was a little bit better. But now it's evolved to this ship is in your pocket. All the time if you want it to be.
For sure, for sure, and whichever way of the market's moving, I can bet in that direction. And and and it's yeah, it's very intoxicating and can be very time consuming. I mean I've done well these past couple of years, and even even since like the bear market kind of came upon us the last five to six months, I've been doing well. But you know, you can't always bat one hundred percent of the time, you know, when one hundred percent of the time, and and there's there's things to
focus on. And I see some of the chats saying, I know you don't want me to read the chat that they've been saying. To imagine, imagine the licenss. Dude could have to be cashed out the money and didn't waste his time, et cetera, et cetera.
I mean, I know that's that's that's what everyone has in the back of the months. Why I have in the back of my mind is like you have if you have, because he's the thing. I don't know a lot about how investment works, but I know that if you have three million dollars and you give it to the right fucking dude, or whatever the fuck can put it in the right whatever. You could probably I don't
know how old you are. I'm completely talking out of my ass with no numbers at all, but you could probably do something safe with it, and like you still wouldn't have to work anymore because you could probably put it in a place that makes it, you know, regenerate, so you could cash out and be cool.
Yeah.
Yeah, I could do less risky things. And with the majority of that I am. I'm just what's called staking the majority of that and earning an interest that pays out daily in a in a less risk averse made on a non risky manner. But I still have about one million of it on the table, so to speak.
Okay, that to me, if you have three million dollars and two million of it you're keep it in a safe place, and one million of it, you're a less fucking party baby.
Ye maybe I.
Would. Yeah, That's why I think your therapist is telling you that you've evolved, because to me, that seems like an evolved position to be in, because you know, I've heard from people, not like people personally, but people like following the internet and shit, who like have been gambling annets and whatnot. I think that they're lowest. They're not
doing that. They're like, yo, fuck it, put it all on black roll, the roulette, who gives a shit type of I mean, that's that's the really concerning place to be. And you sound like you, I mean you sound like maybe at one point you were there, but you've evolved.
It was a live stream yesterday where Drake, you know, the rapper Drake was lost twenty million dollars in forty five minutes in front of his you know, fifty thousand people on Twitch or whatever. It's like sets the worst example up for people watching to see people just punt away money like that.
But he has one hundred million dollars done they and so if he loses twenty If you have one hundred million dollars, you lose twenty million dollars. You kind of like, ah, I.
Don't know how much he has, but you can't afford you to gamp away money like that, even like, even if you're Elon Musk, you don't want to be punting away twenty million dollars every five minutes, like he's literally in an hour punted like twenty or thirty million. Actually, I think it was.
See you've evolved, You're Drake's point of reason. Hey, yeah, well this is interesting to me. It's weird that your therapy I love. I love that I do this all the time with people where they come to me with like issues that are totally worthy of real therapy and they have been the real therapy and they kind of break down what their experience was talking about this issue in real therapy. And it's funny to me that your therapist is telling is talking to you about the markets.
I mean, they don't tell you anything. I mean, this is classic like addiction behavior that there's a billion people trained to deal with, and I wonder what the training is.
Now he challenges me. He's a good therapist. He challenges me as much as he can. But by the end of a one hour session, we have one a week now, he said, until recently had two a week. By the end of the session, I have him talking about the markets. I guess that's just me more than him. But but what we we we definitely try to address my real issues and real.
Well I'm gonna I mean, it's just I'm also going to kind of repeat what your therapist said. And I know that you. Uh sounds like when you first said that your therapist said this to you, you took it not you didn't maybe believe him or whatever it was. But from the way you're talking about these things, it does sound like you have evolved. It obviously doesn't sound like you are like completely cured of your issue. I don't know, because I'm not an addiction person. I don't
know anything about that shit like what you know. I'm not gonna comment on whether or not you are quote curable or whatever the fuck, but you have evolved. Objectively, if we're looking at a chart, you know you have evolved. You are on an upward trajectory. So I understand why he's saying that, And I don't think that you should you know, uh uh disregard him saying that, because it's true you have evolved, and uh man, I hope that. Uh. Can I ask you know, before we go moving forward,
what is it that you want out of life? I'm curious.
I don't know. I think about that question, Austin, I contemplated. Austen, I would say, objectively, the simple answer is just to be happy and content and to strive for those things, even when day in, day out, no matter where one is that there's always a good reason to cry about things or not be content. But I think, just what, regardless of my situation, just work on being content and living life with some balance. I think that's it. I don't have too much of like a tall wishless.
Other than that, I think that that's a perfectly good wishless.
Thank you. I appreciate it, Lyle. Thank you. Gus to go, Max.
Anything you want to say to the people of the computer before we go, No.
Just good things, good things everyone here.
Thanks for having me, of course, thanks for calling Max.
All right, take care.
Hello, Hellos this gek Yeah is Quentin?
Yeah, it is.
What's going on.
Man, Quentin? Quin and Quentin? Nothing much, just being a geck on the computer. What's going on with you?
Nothing else? Just being a man in the woods of the thing.
Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that. Can you tell what's going on? Well?
You know, so it started. I was living with my parents. You know, I'm twenty two years old. They let me live with them because I originally got kicked out up from my dad in twenty eighteen. As soon as I graduated high school and they let me move in with them, and I stole a dad cart from them, and then they called me an act and then they kicked me out.
Up.
Now I'm in the woods and it's tent.
And things are you know.
Yeah, hmmm, So you were living with your parents and you stole a DAPT card from them, they kicked you out. Now you're living in a tent in the woods.
Correct.
How long have you been living in the tent in the woods for?
Mmmm?
About two weeks?
Now?
Two weeks okay, and uh, I have a bunch of questions for you. How long? How have those two weeks been.
Interesting? I mean I've gotten a job to somewhat still in the meantime, you know, the free time I have. It's it's been hard, you know, mentally and like physically, I mean, it's been hot, it's been raining, like it just finished reading. I've learned a lot about myself, you know. It is the isolation. It's it's new to me. I'm you know, I'm used to having people around me. Still, you know, how many friends right now? And how many I can talk to?
You know. It's yeah, there's a few things about this. Uh, well, you're in New Jersey. I mean, I guess it's it's it's June. So you're fine for now, because I was gonna say in uh yeah, New Jersey. You know, it's not like you live in the West Coast where it's sunny all the time. New Jersey. You've got the summer and then after that you cannot be living in a tent in the woods.
Right.
Uh yeah, I mean that's that's why I got this job, hopefully that you know, how many get back on my feet. You know.
So it says that you've been learning a lot about yourself through the isolation. Is that true?
Yeah?
Yeah, what have you learned?
I mean, I learned how much I really do like talking to people and the company of other people. I've learned that I get a lot of my personality from like being around other people. And you know, I'm not the same person. You know, you become who you are who you surround yourself with. If that made any sense.
Sorry, yeah, no, that makes a ton of sense. It's interesting to hear you say that, because I I feel like I've talked to people who say things like, oh, I went into isolation and I learned something. A lot of the times it's a lot about like, you know, learning about themselves when they're alone. But and this kind of is that, but you're only with the app only.
What I'm saying is with the absence of other people, you then are learning about the importance to you of being around other people, which you only can learn when they're gone, because when they're there, you don't notice what it's like when they're gone, so you don't notice how uable it is, right Yeah. And I think it's awesome that you know, because this is not a great situation
for you to be in. And I think it's awesome that you're using it as a way of learning more about yourself and gathering some form of value from what is not a great situation.
Right, Yeah, that's that. It's you mean, I've had people offer me, you know, like hey, you want to come do some mess and you know all that, but like, you know, it's not really what I want to not the path I want to take, you know. I want to I want to get back, you know, I want to get myself a place. You know, I want to be a contributing member of society.
What does being a contributing member of society look like to you?
Just someone who can you know, who has their own thing, you know, whether it's an apartment car like right now, I can't even get like a car right now, orndy that because I have my license suspended and I have to pay however much to get that back.
And there's a whole Yeah, but.
How long do you plan to be out here for? Do you have a sort of game plan moving forward of how you're going to get out of the woods?
So far, I've my main thing I've been looking into is buying like a you know, like a trailer, like a camper and literally like staying at a fool like an all season camp round or something like that with like electric and plumbing and all that. I feel like that's probably a good option. I was looking into motels and hotels, but they're real dirty and they you know, they cost a lot. Those are more of a luxury,
you know, which I never really realized. But I'm also learning I have to sacrifice the things that I want versus the things I need.
Yeah, what types of things that you want or you're having to sacrifice.
Like nicotine, like smoking cigarettes, lead alcohol, I mean, you know, just a little leisure of things, you know, getting like snacks every time I go store. You know something like that.
Do Okay, So you said that you find it very important to be around other people, and that's something that you're learning about isolation beyond here in the woods. What is your social life like right now? Are you hanging out with other people, are you finding opportunities to be around people, or are you focusing on your cell phones?
So so far, I think I'm mainly focusing on myself. I haven't really had the urge currently to go out, and you know, because I just want to get make sure I can get myself back on my phoebe before I start worrying about you know, other people or you know. It's I understand that I should do things that are fun and you know, go out and do things that keep me happy. But it's also something like it's like another sacrifice I had to make, yeah, to be other do those things.
Forgive me if I asked you this already or if I interrupted with a different question, But do you do you have a sort of game plan in your mind as to what you're gonna do moving forward?
Yeah, like I was saying, I mean the trailer. Besides that getting a trailer, I want to get a possible apartment. Also, I was thinking military as as an option, like the army or something, because you know, they give you through all that and you get a pension, you stay in for however many years, you get a bonus and all different things.
You know.
It's a that's a good way to look.
But did you say already with your job is now?
I work on a farm?
Work on a farm? Okay? Do you how do you? How do you like that?
Yeah, like a vegetable farm. I like it because I'm not always doing the same thing over and over. It's not real repetitive. I have ADHD, so like staying in one spot doing the same thing over and over just kills me. So it's it's nice.
If you could do anything at all, what would you do.
Anything? As it could you the library.
On that, I guess I meant, you know, primarily for a living or or or I guess not even for a living. Like if you could design, if you could design your life in any way, shape or form, how would you design it? Man?
That's a that's a that's a deep question. I mean, just yeah, owning my own business and just having having a family, you know, just having a house I own, and you know, being able to you know, support my myself and my family and my kids. You know, it's really what I want in life.
You know, I I asked you that. Sorry, go ahead, No.
I wasn't sure if that's exactly who you're asking.
No, no, no, no, no. I I guess I asked you that because you know, man, look, we haven't and talking for that long, it's only been eight minutes, but I can kind of tell that you have, like I could tell you got like a good head on your shoulders about all this shit. I mean, you're in a very tough situation. And again we've only been talking for that, you know, for so long, but you seem very level headed about it all. And you know, you mentioned you
were like people. These people are trying to like, you know, get me to do meth with them and whatnot, but I don't want to do that path. And you seem like you're very focused on how to move forward, and you have like tangible plans and you're really thinking about things, and you're you're I don't know, you seem like you have a good head about all this stuff, and I'm
very impressed with it. And the reason I asked you about why if you could design your life in any way it could be is because you know, you have a good mindset about things, and you're very young, and I do believe and you know, and your answer to the question of if you could design your life in any way it wasn't fucking crazy, you know. It was like, I want to have a family, and I want to, you know, be successful and financially well off. And you know, you're a young guy and you got a good head
on your shoulders. So I genuinely do believe that, you know how, I don't know how long it's going to take, but I think you'll get there if you keep acting conscientiously. It's a good word that I would just that I would I would use for the situation because you seem like you're a conscientious person. You're thinking about the next day, You're thinking about, you know, all the options available to you.
You're thinking about the pitfalls that you're trying to avoid, you know, going into So I wouldn't even put this in like some weird like, oh you're gonna bootstrap it to success kind of thing. But you're just like, you know, very in a slowly, methodically, daily, conscientious way, acting about your life. And I think that you'll get to wherever you want to if you keep doing that every day.
I appreciate.
This calls. Honestly. I feel like it's helped me a lot, you know, able to get stuff off my shoulders, you know, and get off my chest and have someone to talk to. I really appreciate it.
Yeah, I really appreciate you, uh, sharing all this stuff with us. Man, is there is there anything else that you want to say to the people of the computer before we go.
Everybody, use your twitch primes, check out the Therapy Get Go podcast.
That's it. God, Quentin, thank you, dog, and very much good luck to you.
Thank you, man, have a good one.
Take care. I meant what I said to that guy. Very conscientious sort of thinker, and you know, I try not to make judgments of people in any way ship before them after only being on the phone with them for uh, not too long. But I felt I felt that from him, and he seemed like he just I didn't know he was in you. I know he's in a shitty situation, but you didn't get the sense that you're so worried about him because he's he's you know, I feel like he's he's on a good path forward.
I could just tell in the way he was like talking about ship and I wish him good luck. I hate that he has to go live in the tent in the woods. But it was just little things like he had answers to my questions about what he wants to do moving forward, and how he was thinking about his life outside of this, and you know, he's trying to gain wisdom from his situation, which is says a lot about who he is. And yeah, I like that guy, and I think he's going to be okay, and I
hope he's going to be okay. Thank you for calling Quinn. Hello, Hi, how are you?
I'm good? How are you?
I'm good as well? What's your life like?
Pretty boring?
Now?
Pretty boring? Now? Why is it boring?
I had a pretty crazy life like a couple of years ago, and then, as you know, like when crazy things happened, you kind of get depressed. And then I got on medication and now it's now it's just boring.
Well, listen, listen, let's let's take a step back here. When you say you had a crazy life two years ago, what are we what are we talking here?
I moved to California, and did porn.
Interesting, how old are you when this happened?
Nineteen? I'm twenty six now, so it was like five years ago.
Okay, so you moved to California to do porn when you're nineteen? And what inspired that decision?
So?
I had a cat and the cat got killed by my roommate's dog in front of me, and then I kind of had a breakdown and I got a call and they were like, hey, do you want to do porn? And I was like, I guess so, and then they flew me to California.
Okay, so I have a few questions here what you said. I I have a few questions about everything you just said. Okay, first of all, you said you got a call and they were like, do you want to do porn? What do you mean? You got like a rand You got a call from a random phone number and the person on the other line was just like, do you want to do porn? How does that work?
So?
Yeah, this roommate kind of impacted my life in a lot of ways. She was on a daity in the site and she was talking to this guy and he asked her she wanted to do nude modeling, but she was like, no, I have a roommate who might though, and she gave him my number. And then I was at work and I got this call on my break and they were like, hey, we heard you might be interested in this. And it turns out it was porn, not just nude modeling.
So your roommate gave this person your phone number without your knowledge. Yeah, were you upset about that?
No?
I I guess because she knew. I was like VI really out of control. Like I I had tried to do stripping like a week before, but I didn't like it, so I like ran out. But yeah, I don't know.
It was weird.
So how because I feel like you wouldn't have mentioned it if it wasn't. How is you seeing your cat being killed related to you taking the call to do porn?
Because I kind of just gave up. It was like, I don't know. I think it definitely like triggered a manic episode or something, and I was just I was just going crazy after that.
Had you had any interest in doing porn beforehand? Or was it just a totally brand new thing that presented itself to you and you just said fuck it and went to go do it.
Yeah?
No, it was.
It was random, it was very rare. I was working at a grocery store. And then.
Yeah, m hm, and so you're working at where where did you move from Colorado and you just saw a whim? Did you move to California immediately? Did you just sort of take a flight out there as like kind of a test run? First?
It was like, yeah, it was just like a test run. I was through an agency who the guy was like a talent scout for a corn agency, and they paid for my flight out there. They paid for my like testing, like SDD testing. And then yeah, they slew me out there and I lived in what was called a model house, which was basically just the agent's house, and he had all these girls living there with him. And it was like a month that I was out there.
Okay, so you were out there for just.
A month mm hmm. And then I and then I went back.
What was that first month like?
It it was like a daze, like I don't even know what was happening. I I don't know. I I grew up really really religious and like kind of like sheltered, and then all of a sudden, I was in this whole new world with like these crazy people, and like, I don't know, it was weird.
With these crazy people. Did did you meet anybody maybe the other girls or anything like that who you felt like you did form any genuine relationships with.
There was a couple that I that I've formed like pretty good relationships with that there was not really anything outside of like our work that we like talked about or anything. I don't know. It kind of you kind of like a lot of people kind of like to keep like their private life private in that industry, right, So we didn't really even know each other's real names.
Interesting, so you went by a stage name mm hm. And how long were you out there shooting porn for.
I did it for like a year and a half. I left, So this was in twenty fifteen that I went out there, and then I left like the industry and like two thousand and seventeen, and then I was doing like nude modeling, and then I was doing professional cuddling, and then I just went back home. So I was in California for a while, just like selling myself.
I guess professional cuddling is that the thing where like people can just hire you to cuddle them.
Yeah, Yeah, that's the whole different weird thing.
Yeah, uh.
Did you say what was that?
Like? Yeah, it was all right.
I don't know. I think there's good customers and uncomforty customers.
You know, what would an interaction with an uncomfortable customer be? Like if you don't mind me asking.
They just like like they and like you should have just hired a prostitute, you know, like they just try to get away with stuff. Sure, sure, Like why are you even on this website? You go to a different website.
M h.
So you did cuddling, you did nude uh modeling, and you did actual porn and this was for you said the whole all in all about a year and a half.
Mm hmm.
What was your kind of like day to day life, Like, give me an average day in this year and a half of yours.
It depended like what the what my job was? I guess like during porn, like I would only do like a couple shoots a week during like the porn, but that was like every week for a year.
Uh.
You would like wake up and then I didn't have a car, so I have the agency had a driver and they would drive me to some random house and then they would like do my makeup, and then you would meet the person that you're shooting with and be like, hey, what's up, And then you show each other your tests and then they do the shoot and then say okay, find everybody, and then you go home and relax. I don't know, it's like a regular workday.
Sure, So this year and a half, I mean this was about five years ago that you were doing all this stuff, and now that you've had a lot of time to sort of think about it in a retrospective, what are your feelings about this year and a half.
I kind of wish I didn't do it.
Why is that.
Because it was such a short amount of time that it didn't really like I didn't like save enough money to like invest or anything or I don't know, it didn't really positively impact my life, but it definitely negatively did, like with like having bad feelings towards sex now and not that anything happened to me in porn, but because I was in that headspace in California as like nothing
really matters, I definitely put myself in bad situations. And also like my family they I live with my family now and like everything's fine, but there's part of me that's like, oh, like you know, and I know that I was there, and like, I don't know, So did.
This have some sort of adverse effect on your relationship with your family?
I already kind of had a bad relationship with them. They kicked me out when I was eighteen for smoking weed, and I think I kind of like broke them, Like that's what my mom says, that I like broke my dad. And then now they're all nice to me. So I guess it kind of helped, like they were like.
Well, so when you say when you say you broke them, you're you're meaning that almost in like a in a positive way, like like you know, we can't stay mad at you for these things, and you know, right, we forgive you come on over here type of way.
Yeah, they call me like the prodigal child because they're super religious, so they're like, oh, you came back from your wayward ways and now now we can all love each other.
And like.
That's interesting though, that you had a strained relationship with them and they kicked you out. And obviously I'm sure that their religious background and you know, the stuff you were doing out there I didn't mix super well. Uh, and probably caused some conflict. But it's interesting to me now that you guys that you not live with them, and it sounds like you do you do you have, you know, to this day, a good relationship with them.
Yeah, yeah, it's it's all right. It's like I can't be like bullying myself, but like I'm glad that I do have a relationship with them.
I can ask how did because you alluded to this a little bit, but how did your brief porn career affect your sort of relationship and feelings about sex in general?
It made it very transactional, I think, and like pretty impersonal. I don't know it. And then like there's when people find out about that, then they just want to like take advantage of you. They're like, oh, she's really easy then, and then like that's all they really think about.
M is that are do those those feelings of you know, did those feelings that you just expressed, did that Do you feel that way today? With it being five years ago?
Not as much. I'm working on it. I don't know. It's so it's definitely is pretty difficult.
Mm hmmm, mm hmm. At the end of the year and a half, what was it that kind of broke the camel's back and made you decide to go back home.
I was severely depressed and anxious, like I don't I some stuff happens, not important, but like when I I know you're not a therapist, I'm sorry. It just I had a traumatic experience with sex and I was just I couldn't even get out of bed. So I was like, maybe maybe I need to go home. I can't take care of myself anymore.
So yeah, have you have you talked to a real therapist about all this stuff?
Yeah?
Yeah, I less medication too.
And what kinds of things do they tell you in response to all this to try to help you work through it.
It's just a lot of listening. I don't know. Maybe they don't. I think they just want me to talk about it, like get it out. It's just like time heals things. I guess I don't know. And they wanted me to have a good relationship with my parents. I would see in therapists in California too, and that was a big part of it. Of like my pain was just like whenever I talked about my mom or my dad, I just start crying and stuff. So I don't know, I'm working on it. It's getting better. I didn't I
didn't really mean to talk about all this. Sorry.
No, I don't know. You don't have to be sorry. I mean, I I apologize if I went down a line of questions. I mean, like, how do you feel like right now talking about it?
It's okay, It's all right, m.
Because yeah. I mean, I know you said that you're a real therapist. They kind of just get you to try to talk about it, and that's kind of you know, what I've been doing on this phone call is just you know, asking you questions about it. But I don't know, I don't know if that is uh, if that is helpful to you. It's I mean, I'm not a real thera. I'm an idiot in a gecko costume. So I don't know if that's helpful to you or if it feels bad to talk about all that stuff.
No, it's okay, okay, I yeah, I just don't talk about it a lot, so I think, like, it's just with my therapist, so it's it's kind of interesting talking to another person.
What's your name again, or you can give me a totally fake name that is.
My name is Alexis.
Alexis well, Alexis. Thank you for sharing all of this with us. Is there anything else that you want to say to the people of the computer or to a gecko before we go?
I hope you have a nice time with Guatemala.
Oh, thank you very much, man, I appreciate that. Good luck to you. No, go ahead.
They have a really pretty green bird there called a ketzel or quetzal aqual.
I don't know what. I made some fucking graphic for some job that I worked that involved quetzel, and I haven't thought about quetzels. Ye just now.
I hope you see one.
I hope I see one too. Thank you for wishing that upon me. I'm glad to hear that your relationship is getting better with your parents, and I'm glad to hear that it sounds like, even though things in the past have been kind of rocky, at least sounds to me from you know, the you know, fifteen minutes we've been on the phone, that things are, you know, on an upward trajectory. So I'm happy for you about that.
Yeah, I think it's gonna be fine. I'm okay, I'm I'm working on things. It's been a while, so thank.
You, of course, thank you for calling Alexis.
Bye.
That was Alexis, That was I. I. You know, that was interesting because I I, I mean, that's all I they do on here is talk to people, you know, talk to people about stuff. And I've had a lot of people say that just talking about things helps them. But I don't know. I'm not an actual therapist. I am, as I said, an idiot in a gecko costume, So I don't know if talking about things is helpful for people or if it, like is traumatic for people. So I don't know, But what did you say? Her name
was Alexis. It sounded like things were on an upward trajectory for her. I did find very interesting that her relationship with her parents got better after a while, because I've talked to a lot of people on here who came from like weird religious backgrounds, and some of them have like kind of repaired their relationship with their parents, but a lot of them just kind of are cast it away. So I'm glad to hear that at least in that apartment, things are going a little bit better
for a Lexis. Thanks for calling man. Hello, Hello, Hey, Hello, Hey, what's your name?
Brier.
What's going on with you, Brian?
Not much. I'm on the side of the highway driving from Boston to Nashville.
You're on the side of the highway driving from Boston to Nashville. What's going on in Nashville that they don't have in Boston.
I live in Nashville. My friend just graduated from law school in Boston, and so that graduation was yesterday. So right now I'm heading back. I'm spending the night in West Virginia with my friend. So long drive.
What is it you'd like to talk about today, brih.
So, I have these dreams, I guess you could say, and it's something that I've never really found anybody else that related, and I just thought I would share it because it's an interesting experience. All right. Uh, have you ever had a dream or dreams where you're in a place that seems familiar, but you know, you don't know it in your real life, but it might be just like, oh, a dream house, I'm familiar with that. I don't know
if you remember your dreams? Yeah, and okay, and then like recurring dreams, right, So, I have this place that I often go to in my dreams and I kind of wake up and I'm a different person. And for the past ten years, I've been going to this place that's not just a house, it's there's a cabin in the woods, there's a whole city. There's even like a
government facility. You know, it's expansive, and probably over the last ten to twelve years, over time, I've realized that this is all the same place, but instead of it being a recurring dream, the timeline is continuous. So it's like I'll go to sleep and I'll wake up in this other person's reality and I'll you know, come back to my life from the next week. A week will pass in that world. The place I think is called Cascada, So I'll have a Cascada dream, and you know, I've
built relationships. I mean, there's so many things that have gone on over the last ten years.
Give me an example of a person whose body you've woken up in and what was their life like.
It's the same person every time.
It's the same person over the course of fifteen years. Yeah, Well, tell me about this person.
And well, Harper is kind of a loner, so she lives in the city. Her family has this cabin that's uh, so I know it is in the northeast of the United States. I just geographically know that it's on the water. But there's this town, the port town kind of thing. And then my family has a cabin in the woods, so I spend a lot of time there, but I
don't think other people know about it. And essentially I'm just kind of wandering around, going on walk through the woods away from town, and I come across this facility, big, big series of buildings. So over the course of the next like two years, I figure out a way to sneak in there, or Harper does, And so she is trying to figure out what's going on. She sees that there's this whole like, I don't know, experiments kind of
thing going on. People tries to figure out what that is, and it kind of unveils this whole I don't know, conspiracy. So then you know she's a go getter. She tries to make friends up in the government system with the people I don't know, prisoners, I don't even know what to call them. And then I start to try to tell people in the city about what's happening, Like.
Do you do you believe this is a real person?
If I'm being completely honest, it kind of feels like I'm waking up in another dimension. And I might have some like I don't know, uh string theory alternate dimension links somehow, but that is also a crazy pants theory, and it's just the only way I've been able to wrap my mind around how insane it is to have a consistent like dream escape. I don't even know experience of consciousness of this other person for years, So.
Tell me, I don't know, I have who who? All? Have you told about this?
Not many people, but close friends know about it. I told you know. And sometimes I'll get like drunk at a party and I'll start talking about it. But it's really hard to not come across like I don't know. I just I don't want to feel judged about it because I know it's really weird, and so I don't talk about it that much. That's why I thought it might be safe to call and talk about it.
I don't know, this is interesting. This is interesting. When I first I saw I saw the notes that the call screener wrote down. It said that you, you know, wake up in another person's body, But I didn't realize that it was the same person for fifteen years. Do they look like you?
They have no, No, I can tell they're like taller. I think I'm like five seven five eight, and I'm really like flat, but it almost it took me a long time. I'm still honestly not one hundred percent if I'm a guy or a girl. But I know I have kind of a boyish body type, and I know I have short brown hair. Like are you.
Are you talking about yourself or are you talking about Harper?
No, Harper, Harper, I'm five two blondes and like not.
Yeah, Okay, so you're not sure if Harper is a guy or a girl.
I'm not sure if the guy or girl. I feel like I would be really aware of that a penis, but so it doesn't make you think girl. And there's also some like romantic feelings towards some guys vaguely, but I don't That also doesn't necessarily mean anything. I don't know.
So you're so you as Harper, So take a sleve with me. So you, as Harper will like have like crushes in romantic feelings on other people in the dream.
Yeah, so there's two there's like two of my guys. I guess, like one's a friends and another is like a co conspirator. I guess you could say. The curious thing that I've also just noticed over the past years and years is that romance isn't really a thing in this city at least. So I'm always caught really off guard by these feelings.
And you have a totally different family in this correct.
I.
Yeah, so I'm actually pretty sure I'm in a like Orphanish situation. I don't I don't have parents. I have relatives, but I don't ever interact with them. And I think the reason I'm even at this cabin sometimes because I always thought, like, why is she not at school? Still don't have the answer to that.
But Okay, how old is she? Tell us that real quick? Is she? Is she a child?
No? She was fifteen, fourteen or fifteen when I first started having the dreams. So she she's like twenty five, twenty four, twenty five now is mid twenties. Yeah, so she was a teenager when she started this, but now, you know, adults. She's built a network of like kind of like insurrection people to try and see what's going on. But like six months ago, maybe no, maybe three months ago, a volcano happened and really affected everything.
A volcano happened everything.
So yeah, yeah, I had a couple of dreams, and usually I had a couple of dreams about this volcano, and they were kind of vague, and it wasn't until I had three in a row Harper dreams I realized, I've always known that, like a couple of miles out, maybe I don't even know ocean stuff, there's an island and I've always been curious about the island. I'll never go there, and the volcanoes. The island was a volcano,
and the volcano exploded. So basically what I'm figuring at we're at present day right now, is what's happening in Cascada is Harper is now had this communication system underground with all these people, some in the camps, some in the city, some in the forest in their secret meeting place. She's essentially trying to regroup, figure out who's alive, if anyone's alive, and see how this affected every all the plant, I mean, everything just changed. So I'm trying to essentially
find my crew. But it's scary because like thousands of people just died.
So so so Cascada, so Cascada. Is that the name of the place where Harper is.
Yeah, it's the name at least of the city. I don't and I think it's like the region.
But I just looked is it is it? Is it a real Is it? Is it a real location.
On planet Earth? Yeah? I think it's somewhere in the northeast, like I want to say, maybe New York area, but not in New York City, but somewhere else around the coast, which is weird because I've never lived.
There in there v So volcano and saw a volcano erupted and completely destroyed where she lives.
So the volcano is far enough a way that yeah, it's not like POMPEII, right, but it's enough that it's decimated essentially, you know, uh, you would have had to evacuate in a timely manner to not die.
And so now every time that you go to sleep, you continue the storyline that was going in the previous stream. And you've been continuing this sort of storyline for fifteen years. Yeah, if you ever talked to a like a psych.
About this, I've like mentioned it to my therapist. But it's not really anything that's like causing I don't know. It's you know, nothing really to work through, which is kind of interesting.
Oh yeah, I'm not. Yeah, it doesn't seem like a like a like a negative thing, but it doesn't seem like like it doesn't seem like a negative thing. But I feel like it'd be interesting to like, I mean, I'm curious about why. I'm sure you're curious about why, So it could be kind of interesting. Not even like, oh I need help with this, but just like, hey, do we know what the fuck any of this means?
Right? I don't wonder if I, like a psychologist, if you would know about that. I don't know if I have to go to there's somebody specific. I looked into astral projection like communities on Reddit and stuff. That's the closest thing I've found. But it's not that either. It's just something way weird and different. I kind of want to write a book about it, you know, it.
Could be it could be kind of an interesting book. Actually, I think there is something to be done creatively. Yeah, there is something to be done creatively with this. I think that would be a good, uh sort of bottle to capture it all in. So you've kind of so you've kind of explained what's going on with you, and you've explained this girl, and you've explained to this world. But to kind of add on on to you, you saying, to pick up that conversation of you saying that this
is not a negative thing. How do you feel about this? How does it affect your life and your thoughts?
I feel like it's kind of like a gift. It's almost like if you're in a video game, if you like randomly get an extra ability or something. You know, there's no necessary there's no benefit to it necessarily, but it enriches my life, I think, and I look forward to the nights when I have those dreams and I think it's I just think it's fascinating. Uh. I actually was able to get to do it meditatively one time.
I got really into meditation and that while you were awake, and after that it was, yeah, I was like, I don't know, I did the astral projection meditation.
I was.
I tried to do that stuff for a while and I never did the act like actual projection like that, but I did. I don't know. If I didn't, I could have been doing it and like sort of fallen asleep. Oh, I know, I was meditating and then I was like not really aware of what was going on. And that was in Cascada. When I woke up, I was like, I did it. But after that it was hard to go back. I didn't have it a Cascada dream for like two months, so tell us. So I just kind of let it happen naturally.
What is your favorite memory from Cascada.
Oh, I was just thinking about that earlier today. Okay, I think my favorite memory is there is this The beaches are really interesting. So there's this one beach in particular that I love to go to, and you go down these woods, these stone stairs, and there's sand, but there's also all these like kind of like salt licks, I guess. So the sand is really really white, and then you see like the rock faces almost look like,
you know, that white. I don't know what that stuff was called, like sparkly white granity looking stuff or salt. I don't even know, but the salt stuff like floats, and so people will like go on like little saltburgs. And so I remember I was on this raft with this kid and his dad and they were fishing and then this huge like six foot yellow crazy looking fish hop stup on there and I almost with my footing and fall in, and the Dad's like, you might want
to step off. We're going to be catching a lot today. So I was like hopped along and I like stepped in the water. I remember, and it's like okay, but it was like really squishy, and I was like oh, and so then I hopped back up and then I just sat and I watched the little boy and his dad fish and then the sunset and then Yeah, that was just a really pleasant, mundane memory I have from CASCADEO. It was really nice.
This is like a this is like a like a Miyazaki movie or something.
Yeah, you know, that's a nice way to think about it. I love that.
Mm hmm. Yeah. I appreciate you sharing. This is super super interesting thing. I'm glad that you have a good relationship with it too. It seems like it's something yeah that enriches your life to uh kind of you know, transport to like a like a fantasy world where you're a different.
Person exact, I feel like related to like like I wonder if Jerr I'll token felt this way. I'm writing Lord of the Race. He is so goofy, But.
You know, I really and novels, right, I really wouldn't be surprised if some of these people who have built like such dense universes have had parts of it come to them in dreams.
I'm so curious or like Jay or whatever, Harry Potter, Lady j k Rowling, some of these really fantastical worlds. Only now that I'm having this experience, I'm kind of like seeing these worlds and like I wonder, there's no way to know, but it's yes, it's kind of interesting.
Now there's no way that Adobe was a thought of the conscious.
Mind exactly, and I'll have these like fantastical things like I don't know, little Iceberg, it's just the smallest details, or like the way technology works is it's similar, but it's definitely different, and it's just curious just how things are different in the most subtle, tiny details.
Briar, Briar, I do hope that, Like I said, I think it's cool that you have such a a positive relationship with this thing. It's very fascinating. I'm glad that I felt like at the beginning. At the beginning, I didn't really you know, it definitely was hard to explain hard. But now then we're at the end of this thing. I feel like I get it a bit more now and it's I find it fascinating. I do hope that you find a a container for it creatively in some way,
you know. I mean, it says you're only twenty six years old, yeah, and it doesn't say if you've been dreaming like this for fifteen years. You know, it sounds like you have a and it's not like it's going away anytime soon. So very curious to see how this this whole thing develops as you get older. You know there might be more inspiration to come.
That's what I'm thinking. So I keep your eye out for cascade of books. And also, just honestly, thank you so much for taking the time to allow me to explain it all because I know it's a lot, and that's why I don't really talk to many people about it, but it feels so nice to share that because it's fun. And I also know people call them for like advice to stuff. Thought this, I thought you'd be interested, so.
Oh, no, this was perfect. This was very interesting. And no, I'm glad I did to you. No, you're you look you're totally right off the bat a little danse, But now that we have the time to get into it, I'm glad that we did.
Dave, Well, thank you so much. I hope you have a great rest of your night, beautiful.
Thank you very much. Brier Light, Huh, that was very interesting. I'm glad that. You know, a lot of the times when people have like, I don't know, stuff like that, they they like, we had this guy on the podcast, uh who called in to talk about getting abducted by aliens, and it seemed it seemed like mostly a negative traumatic thing for him. But uh uh, it was very fascinating to kind of hear the other side of the coin with this caller who uh looks at it as a gift.
I think she said that even that it's a gift that she gets to go to sleep and occasionally transport herself into this fantasy world in which her unconscious mind is revealing all these magical experiences for her. It sounds kind of beautiful. I really did. I got the the like a Miyazaki kind of vibe from it, especially when she was talking about, you know, being by the water and this giant, monstrous fish and whatnot. Because we all
engage in escapism. We all, you know, I mean, that's why, you know, Harry Potter and shit exist is because we want to humans enjoy entering into other universes, taking a break from their own. And I do I do understand why she sees it as a gift, because it's that this cascade place, it's all hers. It's a product of her own unconscious mind in a way that you know, like you can't own the Hogwarts that belongs to everybody, but she has her own fantasy world that just belongs
to her. And and you know, I asked her if she's talked to a psych about it, and she did say that it's not a thing that's negatively affecting her life. And I didn't. We talked for about twenty minutes, and I didn't get the sense that it was a negative I didn't get any even tinge of a sense that it was a negative thing on her life. But I do wonder what that is. She says, it's called like if you if you guys want to look up this thing.
She says, it's called what is it again, astral something? Yeah, fuck it, I lost it, But I think it's I think it's astral projection some shit like that. But that was. That was super interesting to hear about it. I hope that. I hope we do hear more about Cascade in the future and form of a novel, an audio tape, a comic book, a concept music album, whatever it is. Thank you for sharing, Brier. What's it's not astral projection? Oh? Okay,
I fucked up? I was wrong. That was That's actually the first time I have ever been wrong on this podcast. You're all witnessing history, folks, the very first time ever that I have been wrong, possibly in my whole life. What an honor it is for you all to witness. Okay, someone said no, somebody said it's not astral projection, and then right under them, someone said no, it is astral projection. So I have no idea. Someone says, I'm fucking I'm looking it up. I have a computer. Astro glad, this
says it's a company, this says it's lube. Are you guys fucking with me? I'm done with this Astro Astro perro Jack show. Um oh oh yes, yes, okay, okay, okay, fuck whoever? Okay, A couple of things. I was not wrong. I was not wrong. This is not the first time I ever been wrong. It is called astro project Okay, okay, holy shit, this is real. Oh, this is a real This is a real thing. This is a real thing.
Astro projection astro projection is a term used to describe an intentional out of body experience that assumes the existence of a subtle body called an astral body, through which consciousness can function separately from the physical body and travel throughout the astro prane plane. What the fuck is This is crazy? The astra body is a subtle bot. What the fuck is anyone else looking at this right now? This is nuts? Is this real? Oh? Apparently it's called
a Okay, hold on, I'm looking up asshole projection. Apparently that Okay, I was wrong. Apparently it's called asshole Okay, I'm gonna google asshole projection. I'm gonna see what comes up. I'm actually gonna do this. Rectal prolapse is a medical condition in which the rectum starts to push through the anus.
H h.
My name is Lyle and I'm a gecko and this has been therapy. Gecko. Rep Cat goes on the line taking your phone calls every night. The repy Cat goes doing his ride. He's teaching you Cloud and the Liver your life, but he's not really an expert.