Hello, Hello, Lyele.
Hi, what's your name?
Hi? I'm Anna, Anna.
What's up. How's life?
Yeah? Life is good. Life is weirdly good. That I'm probably a bit older than a lot of your listeners. I'm going to be fifty this year, and this year has just been amazing. So that's what I wanted to get on and tell people to say things that get suddenly get amazing. I had quite a shit time of it before then, and now everything is just falling into place.
Oh dear God, that's you know what is I've been. I've been fucking just wrapped in existential dread. I can't fucking beat it. And I thought I beat it. I thought I beat it for like a month, and now it's coming back, and I'm like scared. And so to hear that you're fifty and you're living your best life, I want to know. I'm intrigued, so please tell me.
Okay. So the first thing, big one for everyone at the moment is ADHD diagnosis, because it presents differently in women, and nobody knew what the fuck they were looking at at me, you know, in the eighties. So that's really helped, not for any reason other than I don't have to feel so ashamed of the things that I couldn't control. You know, I can't keep my room tidy. I'm maybe fifty years old. My room is a mess. My room is ankle deep in shit all the time, even though
I'm I'm I'm tidy. I feel like I'm tidy all the time. But now I know that this is just hard of the beautiful mystery of my brain. I just keep into it. I'm getting rid of my furniture. I've started sleeping on the floor the way I like to. I'm just putting boxes everywhere I can throw shit in, and it's just making my life better, just that kind of Oh, I don't need to try, and I don't need to try and beat myself up that I'm a
bad person. I'm a terrible person because I can't keep my space tidy or like arranged to get nails done or like whatever of the stuff I used to confuse me. So that's one that's been a huge thing. The second one is I think it's just medical stuff. So I started taking that Mount Jarrow injection about uh actually about two months ago, and that's just been fantastic. I've never heard this phrase before. Food food noise. Have you heard this?
I'm sorry what you started taking a what injection?
So in the UK it's called Mount Jarro, but it's the weight loss injection.
It's okay, So you're taking the UK version of ozepic.
Yes, I think it might be a slightly different one to that, but yeah, that's that's sure. The thing it is because I've never heard this expression before, food noise. I've never heard anybody talk about food noise before, about this, this this psychology of food seeking, that there's a part of your brain that is that in certain people is
always tracking, always tracking, you know, where is everything. I can get quite stressed when I've been around food or I'm always very aware of what people are eating or aware of what I'm eating, and other people thinking about what I'm eating, and that food no is just switched off. I didn't even weigh myself. I just have a good breakfast. I eat what I like, what I really want to eat, where I've always wanted to eat, you know, vegetables and fruit,
but I always enjoyed those. But it's just taking the stress out of it. If anyone is struggling with your weight and you think I just don't understand why because I'm eating this stuff and I don't really want it. Have a go on this injection. It's mad.
You know, this is interesting because you know, I relate a lot to lifelong adhd. I relate a lot to having a messy room, or relate a lot to a lot of these things. Yeah, the food awareness is a big one for me. Do you know about a fat guy pizza math where you're like looking around to see slices of pizza everyone else has eaten so that you can see if it's okay for you to get a
third slice of pizza. Yea, And dude, this was there was so I used to I've talked about this on my podcast before, but I used to record out of an office in Los Angeles. And at this office they had like like this office was like I had tons of snacks, like it had a very fortified breakroom, and I was obsessed with this fucking breakroom, especially like you know,
it was in the days. It was you know, I was very stressed out about a bunch of you know, gecko stuff and and and touring and and you know, I was on my computer stressed out all the time, and so I would just like after my after recording and and while like editing and stuff, I would just be like fucking pounding down this bowl of candy and
then like some. And then sometimes I would see, you know, I was in this office with all these like you know, healthy los angele less people, and I would see someone like go up to the bowl and just eat one, just take one mini like one not even like the ministry, like the the real miniature skin, like the the ones that are like fully like a nice square mini Snickers. And I'd be like, how do you do that? How do normal people just like fucking not go on a
crazy binge or like I like sharing food. Sharing food was always so crazy thing for me. I hated share. I like when you go to a restaurant and it's like, well, let's split this, and it's like, no, if we split this, now I have to do extra math, you know, And I don't want to be the guy that fucking takes fucking everything. But sometimes it's just it's a whole thing, you know. That's why I love. That's why I love.
I've been the first date and I was just trying to like date people. I've given up all that now, but I've been a minion to date. So I've explained to people that I don't share food because you have to do the mask, and then I also have to be polite, so I will always have less than my allotted share, and I just don't want to do it anymore. I want my own so I can eat it. But you know that kind of that kind of behavior her, I think that is that injection has switched it off.
It just switched it off. I could be that person in the boat room now. It's astonishing. It's just it's so mad, the amount of stress that food and thinking about food has put me under. I mean, I did a PhD and I did practice based PhD. And I was doing this big like art performance, you know whatever it was, blah blah blah. But I had to get feedback, you know, with a research project, and so I laid on like this fancy vegan cakes. It was all very
nice and it was a lovely spread. But a lot of people came and they didn't eat they didn't eat the cakes, and I was trying to give a presentation and all I could think about was those fucking cakes at the back of the until one of my friends, I was spiraling in and she and she just ca and she said, you want me to get rid of them? So I just took them away and she put them in a car and I drove them away, and then
I was fine. And I think that I just accepted that as me being like, I don't know, greedy, I don't. I don't think that is what it is, because it's an anxiety about it. It wasn't like, oh yeah I get to I don't know what I'm going.
To do, you know, Oh my god, all these people.
Are looking at me, and I wanted to eat the cake. So yeah, I fully advise anybody who is thinking about me.
Oh.
Also, my other thing is that I started taking sirtually. I took a hundred millig grands to certually and day.
That's the craline is the uh generic for.
Solar, So lost, that's it.
Yeah, they're lost. And because I was I wasting every time I was falling asleep, I was ending up with a sort process that ended up me dying in a cart crash. It was very weird, and I recognize it is not my own thought. I was like, this isn't this isn't me. I don't know what's going on here? And that was it's like a depression thing. And so I took seventy five milligrams of Searchuren and it didn't stop, but it was less. And then I went on one
hundred and it just stopped. And I just want to say to people who are listening, because I never heard anything about this the toy. I've never heard of the phrase food noise. I'd never really I've never really considered about this injection, which is, you know, paying for it myself. But it's okay, it's like one hundred and thirty pounds a month, and I would pay that to be healthy. I would pay that to have my cholesterol down without
having to take a bloody statin you know whatever. But so yeah, just you know, take the things that people are offering. You keep your eye on stuff. Take the stuff. It does get better.
So I want to know. I want to know more about your life. Okay, So so think So, I mean, you're fifty years old, and you do you is do you feel like do you feel the best you've ever felt in your life? Is that what you're getting at.
I am considering going to see a therapist because I need to mourn the person that I could have been if all of this ship had been caught earlier. You know, I have to do that. You know, I'm single, I'm going to be single forever. I don't have to. I remember saying to a therapist years ago, I don't think I can have something because I'm SCAREDO and feed them properly, and he kind of looked at me like and I was like, no, but that's how I feel, because could
I have sweets in the house. Children have to have sweets. I can't have sweets in the house. I eat all the sweets. You know, this is this is this is what this worries me in such a deep bone level that I would pass on some sort of inherited weirdness or I don't know. So yeah, I think I have to do that. But also I think part of the ADHD thing often is about we experienced time differently. To know atypical people in my dife and I'm super time blized, but also so looking back on our past issues is
kind of different. I was reading about how madh people grieved differently because we.
It was about people.
You think about people in the time in the space we don't talk to them all the time. I'm really bad at messaging, but I love everyone. I just don't message it. So, yeah, that is a that is a that's looking back and going, oh, there's a bit of a dark cloud over all the things that I could have done. But then I look at the things I have done. Be like, no, I just I was striving. I worked hard. I did as much as I could.
I went for working in a factory to go to Cambridge University to being doing a PhD. You know, I I worked hard and I did the things I could do. But God, I imagine if I had the ADHD medication, I'd be fucking eon motk what makes me? I would be you know, my powers. It's a really good things at the universe that this wasn't found out beforehand.
Yeah, you know, I am I really, you know, I don't know if I caught your name? What's your name?
Anna?
Anna? You know Anna, I I relate to you on a lot of this stuff. I relate to you about the kids. Thing I get a little worried about, like oh, I have like anxiety and depression of all this crazy crap, And I'm like, oh, if I have a kid, are they gonna have it? Which is weird because my my mom, I think, has a little bit of anxiety, my dad has my dad is like crazy ADHD. But neither of my parents are like depressed or that. And maybe my mom's a little anxious. But it's like, you know, it's
it's weird. I'm like, where did I where did all this stuff come from? I mean a lot of this stuff with me, I know where it comes from. But I relate to you, well, yeah, I really.
Also, they don't forget they grew up without without the internet, and they grew up without social media, and I just I feel sorry for you.
You know what. That is another thing. That is another thing where yes, I we our brains are. Our brains are unquestionably quite different than than our parents' brain grew up with. There's something else you said that I that I related to. Yeah, I relately. I you know, I relate a little bit to like wishing I had found medication a bit earlier. I think I'm still on a medication journey. I think I thought I was done and
then I realized You're never done. But yeah, related to you on a lot of on a lot of that stuff. And yeah, the food, the food, noise, thing is is huge, and there's there's a lot of different things that I think are all related to, Yeah, are all related to like anxiety, HD and depression. And I don't I don't like those those three things, anxiety, ADHD and DEPRESSI I don't think there's that You don't want to like use
them as like excuses for not living your life. But it's good you want to, but you want to identify them and fucking work through them so that you can live better life.
You know, it's just a shame which diagnosed will not diagnosed. My room would still be messy. But now I laugh at it. I go, I've shown people on the video. I've shown people, you know, I've got a video chating going oh my god, you want to see my room? And they go, oh, oh my god, and they laugh, where before I was always convinced that they would be. You have that you're evil, you know, you're disgusting your and I'm just I'm not just got idea. Seeing I
struggle keeping my rooms tidy, big deal. I genuinely feel that I gen't feel that, and that's been it's been such an eye opener. I've got the other thing as well, I like the skin picking, so I pick the skin picking is a or picking your face. I've always picked my toes and hide them and god, you know, wearing full shoes in summer and and wearing tights and stuff and just covering up and and now I'm I'm just waddling around with my monkey feet out. You know, if they like them, don't look at them.
So what do you do all day? Anna? What's your life like?
I'm struggling artists, Let's put it that way. I work on my own practice every day. I kind of arrange my life, so I do a lot of teaching around the outside of school hours. I do a lot of exam help and and I'm yeah, and I'm just struggling, struggling and struggling, still trying to Oh, I'll just tell you. I'm a right, I'm a writer. I don't know, I don't know where I am. And I am trying to work on I'm writing my like fifth novel now because I
just can't get it right. But I do a lot of writing, teaching and some stuff published and blah blah blah shoot fiction. But I'm trying to move into long So that's what I do. I sit around, and I struggle in the day time. I dropped all social media, I block off the Internet, and I wander around. I feel very stressed, and I produce and then I hate it, and then I look at it again about a year later and go, oh my god, that's great. Why did I start doing it? The typical artistic cycle I have.
I have a lot of questions for you based on what you said, but I just one thing real quick that I have to address. If you're not on social media, how did you discover that I exist?
Whatify?
Oh?
Okay, because I'm very I'm very nosy, very nosy, but I spend a lot of time on my own. So I listen to a lot of podcasts where people bring up and tell the truth about their life.
Yes, yes, this is a good podcast for.
Yeah.
So you so you teach writing class or you do? You do you teach? Do you teach at a school or do you teach individually?
Like?
What does the setting on what you teach?
I teach like adult evening classes. I've taught at universities, I've I do a lot of I do a lot of like grammar schools, like children who are going for what would you say public school, no private school. They have a specific exam for the eleven plus and so I do a lot of training because that's because they're creative writing aspect of it. But you know, teaching the children is great, I like, uh, you know, they're enthusiathers.
But it's teaching adults that I really like. Mm hmmm, I finished, fabulous.
I'm sorry, you just cut out. What did you just finish?
I just finished one of the courses that I teach for adults, and I just said goodbye to them, and they're They're all brilliant, and they all improved hugely and I'm excited for them in the future.
That's really awesome. That's really great. I am, yeah, I'm kind of what. You know. One thing I wonder about, like my life as I get older is that I feel like, as you get older, it becomes like, you know, I don't know, I'm tracking a bunch of things. I don't I don't know if this is an ADHD thing, But I consider myself, at least in my optimal circumstances, to be a strong extrovert, like I always I want to be around people. I want to feel socially connected
at all times. I want to, you know, always be meeting new people. I want to always be having novel experiences. I want to feel surrounded by a community, and I want to be doing things that get me out of the house and around people and interacting with folks. It's it's part of the reason why I do this podcast and and tour and all these you know, make videos
and do all these things. And it seems to me there's there's like that as you get older, it becomes harder and harder and harder to be in those situations. And yet I have to assume as yeah, go ahead, go ahead, I'll let you speak.
So, do you know rejections.
Rejections sensitivity dysphoria.
It's a massive co or cove, like I know occurrence with ADHD. I have a huge.
Oh Anna when we're there, way, sorry you cut out.
Just now, Oh I walked towards the door. I'm going to say where I am. So people have r SD. That means that a neurotypical person, they experience a rejection and they process it normally at the kind of surface level of emotional processing like actual brain stuff neurosis. You can see this happening on an MRI is bullshit. And then someone with RSD they process it longer, and they process it in a sort of more in the sort of deeper networks. And what happens is those rejections they
build up. Because I was like you, I was a gregarious when I was younger. I had loads of friends, I was embedded in huge social groups, went to the festivals, I did acting. You know, I used to do amateur dramatics. Can imagine do that there? And I went traveling for a year on my own. I was that confident in my social skills that I was like, yeah, I'm going to go away for a year just on my own, no internet, my view. I went away with a guide book.
But because that's got I can pretty much remember every horrible thing anyone ever said to me, or any situation where I felt like someone's trying to put me down, or any time I've made a mistake, and you know, it keeps you off at night, and they would return and I would worry about them. And so that's why as I've got older, I've become I've moved into an introvert because I just I just don't have the emotional energy to go out It's like every time you interact
with someone, they give you a paper cut. Okay, they just give you a paper cup somewhere on your body, and and you're a typical person, it just heals. But someone with our sc it bleeds, and you can only bleed so much before you die.
By But Anna, I'm curious. So you said when you were my age, were social and running around and travel in the world and talk to people, do it all without the fucking internet. I mean that's also like, uh uh uh make it more compressive. So but I I and I have to know, like I mean, at that time, did you feel did you feel as though you had that rejection sensitivity?
No?
I just felt that people I just, how can I put it? I felt that I was I couldn't understand the mismatch between the good person that I consider myself to be and I strive to be in my actions and my thoughts and then you know what I'm trying to do in the world and all of that stuff.
In the way I help people. I do help people, help random people all the time, and there's a mismatch that and sometimes the impression that people are feeding back to me m that they would react to me in a way that I was like, oh my god, I've just said something wrong, or I've just done something wrong, or I shouldn't eaten you know whatever that wasn't a joke, or they don't like me for reism, and that is what happens. And I realized now that there is an
impulsivity in speech as well. So this is all the I'm like, oh my god, I can forgive myself or my weird trajectory because I'm impulsive in my speech. I can be great friends with someone and then I'll say something at the moment that comes out. I know it's wrong, and it's up to them. It's the depth of your relationship whether they can get past it and just be I feel, you know, sorry, forgive me, I didn't mean that. Or if you just met someone, then that's it. Isn't it game over?
Well? I you know, I get yeah, I know exactly what you're saying. And I think I have a little bit of that impulsivity of speech myself at times, and I think there's something to be said about accepting yourself and your flaws and you know, being like, yeah, it's okay that I'm not going to be perfect one hundred percent of the time, you know, Yeah.
But it's about about other people. So that's a rejection because you've got then that wound will stay with you and I just myself from that situation. I have thought about you and your ADHD and thought about you know, how you how you can trust yourself to speak to people. But then I realized that I do a hell of a lot of teaching online and one to one and I love it because you're in the moment. You don't need to plan anything. You can rely on yourself. But
also you've got these barriers up. You know, you've got barriers up because you have you know, you don't want to upset anyone, and you're you're thinking carefully about what's having. You're enjoying yourself, but you're not going to go on some weird rants, you know. I'm sure you've got things that you could rant about. And I'm like that because I'm talking to students. So the impulse when it tries to get out of that frame is just shut down immediately.
So really, I should just be one to one teaching all the time, and I'll be happy at ship because it really is my close stake.
Yes, the flows. I mean, that's I think there is a lot of parallel to the experience that I'm having when i'm you know, like having this conversation with you or talking to people on the street or whatever, and the flow state that you probably feel when you're teaching people and when you're presenting and when you're doing your one ones. You know, you get into the flow state, right. You don't have to you don't have to plan things.
You can just be in the moment. You can just fucking flow and get into the conversation.
You know.
That's how I feel. That's how I feel when when it works, you know, when I'm when I'm at the best and things are going good. I have a question for you. I want to know this. You're a novelist. You've published five novels.
Sorry, no, no, no, no, no, no, I'm trying to write novels. I've published a little bits here and there, published short fiction, and now I'm trying to move into long form in a way that's satisfying to me. And so no, I am unpublished.
But you've but you've, but you've you've You've written a lot of.
Work, yeah, millions and millions, and.
So how do you, as someone who I assume as a hard time sitting still, do a thing that is the most like I must sit still and attack a keyboard thing. What is your process of being a writer as somebody who I assume as a hard time sitting still.
Yeah, it's really hard. It's much harder now because I'm in the perimenopause, like this hormone of stateful menopause, and that makes your ADHD symptoms go crazy, and that's why I got diagnosed in the end. So I'm finding it much harder now than I used to do. And the thing is ADHD and women often present. It's like your
hyperactivity isn't body, it's mind. So when I can sit down and write and think and think about what I'm writing and reflect and all of the stuff I'm trying to do, then that's satisfying the sort of racing thoughts for rushing minds. But a lot. I do have to say that I do procrastinate horribly, of course, and so targeted procrastination has always worked for me. When I was supposed to be writing with the PhD, I write a
collection of short stories, you know. When I was supposed to be writing my dissertation, and I was writing fault fiction for money. You know, I'm always doing what I'm not supposed to be doing. I'm sure you will have that experience, right. I think that's why I'm struggling at the moment. I've got a clear path. I'm not. I don't I shouldn't be doing anything else. And now I'm finding it really hard.
And what is your clear path?
Now?
I've got all this time to write, I've got Yeah, you know, I'm not supposed to be doing anything else. If I had to, if I had to do something else in that time, I would probably be the writing.
Yes, I know you mean yeah, procrastinating on one thing by doing another thing. It's a classic yeah.
When you can, when you can target.
So well, I have to say, I mean, you started this phone call by talking about how things get better. You're feeling good about life. Tell me more about the things tell me more about the things you're loving about life lately.
So you've been to London, haven't you? Did you make it onto Hamstead Heath?
Say, I've been to London a few times with Hamster.
Place, Hamstead, hamstiad Heath. It's like a big park in North London. It's all the film though, you know, if you see Hampsteady, it's it's just the whole of the fields. But they have a lady's ponds there. They have a swimming pond and they have sorry, they have mixed ladies and men's and then the ladies one is all just trees all around it. You go swimming, and I was swimming with ducklings, little baby ducklings about I don't know,
not too far away from me. But then once you get at the pool, you go to this place called the meadow, and I think it's like a feel colony. I just imagine all these women and they just like seal if everyone's just lying down. No one's really talking to anyone. Everyone's reading because there's no signal, which is delightful for me to see, and everyone just takes their clothes off and goes to sleep. And I have the most amazing sweet just you know, topless in the sun
in the middle of a park in London. And I would never have done that before, you know, body issues and just being like, oh, I can't go and I don't want to. I don't want to go swimming on my own in a pond it'll be weird, and I'm like, next, do it. It's pretty much your advice, doesn't it. Just go out and do things. And I loved it. It was it was a real highlight, a real highlights. I thought it was brilliant.
That's great. What do you what do you have that? What do you have in your life lately that you're looking forward to?
I go to a writing festival Thursday to Sunday this weekend, and I'm going to see some fronts too. I always this would be my third one. And the friends I met there and we go and hang out and to do writing and get very drunk and in karayote.
Well, tell me what happens at a writing festival.
So it is a flash fiction festival. So flash is a thousand words or fewer, and it's its own specific form. You know, you have to, you have to. It's got a lot, it's got a lot of his own considerations to get this whole thing, and that has its own conventions. So people run flash workshops. There are sort of flash readings. There's all there's a whole different set of panels or set of workshops you can go to and simple similar great And I haven't been to too many of them
because I do. Because of the ADHD, I find it quite difficult to fit inside, especially if they're talking about something that I already know about. You know, it's an intention, it's an interest based nervous system, right, that's what they call it. And so it just switches off, and I find it difficult for fidget or you know, want to
do something up. But everyone needs to love them, and then there's just a lot of talking and networking and and then just a whole bunch of karaoke leaving, which is amazing for a bunch of writers, you know, who tend to be quite introverted anyway, because when you're doing karaoke, I just for you know, you can't really talk to anyone. You can just go yeah, great song at them, you know,
and mighty sick smiles. Right, everyone's singing along. But you can't get into those kind of tricky discussions where you're like, oh shit, I've had a few beers and now I've set something right, I'm going to say something. I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning and be like, oh.
Yeah, I have active I have activities like that that I love, Like a lot of my hobbies. My hobbies are like things where you are around other people, but I meant whole I actually think, actually, I guess those are most hobbies. I was gonna say a lot of my hobbies are like things where you're around other You're around other people, but there's some activity to like kind of keep you engage so you don't have to talk if you don't want to. Although I guess that is
genuine the most hobbies. Yeah, like you know, playing uh, Smash bros on Land or playing poker just ship where it's like you can you can just play the game, but if you want to talk, you can talk.
You talked about Smash before, and I watched the documentary about it. You want hold on?
Shut up? You watched the documentary. You watched the before you you watched you.
Don't know when you talk about it. You talk about a lot that I need to know. I must one of the one are the kids doing today? I thought, so I really enjoyed it.
Yes, that's the four hours you like with like with Ken and as In and you two king? Yeah, wow, you.
Have a documentary nosy person, right, We've established person. So I like to watch documentaries, uh and find out about stuff you know about what is he talks about.
I'm so happy that you want I'm so happy that I'm so happy that I got you to watch the four hour Smash Pros documentary on YouTube. By the way, those listening, please go watch. Go on go on YouTube. Go on YouTube. Go on YouTube and search the Smash Brothers documentary. And yeah, that's a it's a good way to spend four hours.
Of your life, really enjoyable.
And I want to know what was it like traveling around at twenty seven with no guidebook? I mean no, with no internet, with just a guide what was that.
Experience we had that were internet? There were internet cafes were very expensive. So I send this one email to my mom. It was actually fine because you didn't know any different. Oh, this is this is just what you do. You know, you go on a proper adventure and actually are quite promoanient for you guys, because I went to see things that I've never I've never seen before. I'd read about them and had pictures in my mind of seeing you know, temples, and I've seen pictures and things,
but you know, when they children, jimps and that. But but because you're so glassed with the images for just anything. It must be hard to be so thrilled about experiencing in real life. It's all being commodified by influencer culture and things like that. You know, I'm sure you couldn't go to when I go, I really enjoyed Ankle what you know, Ankle what in lous It's like you know,
if you saw it, It's the weird broken temples. There's all huge tree routes coming out of it, very magical, and I had a great time there, just hanging around from the taking from the sun is up and everyone is just chilling. And I imagine now it's just millions and millions of people with tripods and other people taking photos of them and just yeah, being very kind of ruined for everyone. Yeah, but it was fine. I tended up in Thailand because I've been working. I didn't really
know what to do with myself. I felt like, well, what do I do? It can't just sit on a beach all day. Don't worry that's being changed. So I went to work in a school. I volunteered to work in a school, bearing in mind at the time I
didn't have any teaching qualifications. I didn't have a degree I was working in a factory in Gid fixing robots and I I but because I was British and because I was female, they were just like, yeah, you go in because like no, no, we need we need people who speak for their British accent because I think that all the volunteers they got worse I know, German or Dutch or something, which is which is fine because I can obviously understand that, but their Thai children were struggling
a bit the kind I mean.
The British accent is so I I uh, no offense to the woman listeners, but the British accent is easily much more listened to able than the German accent.
Yeah. Well, also the accent of the language that they are learning to speak, so they especially for people with a tonal language, which I struggled with. So yeah, I turned up. I did some work and stayed in a house with the Thai teacher and had all these kids following me around because it was so weird because I had more than one coffee a day, they alwaysed to follow me around. The women as well, would be like how many coffees have you had? How many coffees you had?
I've had I've had two and I go, oh, two coffees and I had to smoke because I'm a smoker. I had to go right into the brush, well away from everyone because if people saw me smoking, it would you know, it would be it would be like being found out to be a prostitute of women.
Do you still are you still a smoker.
With a smoker and I'm recently a bit of a your friend, she said, I think owner.
Oh yeah, I was going to ask, well, yeah, how is how is the weed in London? It's it's super illegal in London?
Still right, Well it isn't it isn't because I don't know how much I should do, so I just I just get it through the post.
I see.
The days has gone long gone, in the days when I would get into random cars with you know, Russian gangsters, which I have done in the past by all sorts of you know, had a bit of a pill edge in the nineties. So all of that stuff went on, but I couldn't do it now, you know, I'm in an age lady. Now I'm too aware of things that can go wrong. So yeah, just comes to the post order on the internet. Not with that work with that work on the clear web was my credit card.
Do you do you like to do you do you write when you're stoned or do you typically like to just chill out?
I like to watch television because I can actually watch it rather than the little squirrel of my attention suddenly going oh is that at or I need to go and do something very quickly. Yeah, it slows down. It
definitely slows down. The sort of the part of my mind is always scanning the environments, scan and so I can enjoy stories a bit more instead of always trying to figure out what's going to happen next, or Okay, this has happened, so this is going to happen I can just appreciate the art of it more.
It's interesting. I feel like, Yeah, when I smoke weed, I get to I'm like weed. I think increases my ADHD. It makes me more scanny and HyperWare and anxious, depending on it's a roll of the dice. It's more of a.
Yeah, I've got some on the strain because I have liked uh heavy one that is really good. Spread time just makes you go to sleep. And then I thought I'd give the other side of the spectrum a go to what I mean. I don't know if it's joy, I don't know nothing. So the other one, who what's the other one? Indica? Someone told me, you remember Indico in the couch, That's how you remember the difference. So the other one is sativa. So I got a high sativa one and yeah, that one, that one, you know.
I went out for a walk.
It was great, so Anna, mhmm hmmm. I'm trying to think. I there's anything else I wanna I want to ask you. It's been really nice. Uh, it's been really nice talking to you. Uh, this was this was this was great. Very I'm very inspired by your life story. I'm very inspired to hear that you're continuing to enjoy yourself and living life and going to do cool ship and bathing
with ducks. Uh, it's cool again. Yeah, like I said, like I said at the beginning of this, I'm I'm I'm anxious all the time, and then sometimes I see someone who is like a little bit older than me and they actually seem to be pretty calm and enjoying life, and it's it's inspiring and good. And I think that you're probably inspiring to other people listening to the show.
You know it gets wonderful. Yeah, I should just say that. If I could say anything to myself when I was younger, it would be try and think of yourself like you haven't got me skin like all your nurser exposed, because that's how the difference it feels like, Well now it feels like I'm wearing a wetsuit. You know, nothing can really hurt me or Asian accepted. But yeah, it's horrible when you're younger, but you know, keep on trucking. You'll get there.
Hey, thank you. Anna, have a good rest of your day. And if I come to London, if I come to London to do a show, I'll let you know.
Oh I'm definitely going to come. Well sally happen, but it's not there, so yeah, I'll be there.
Take care. Anna think of a call. That was a great call. I really liked that, trying to think if I have post call thoughts. Do I have any post call thoughts? Yeah, like I said, you know, like I said, I I know I talk on here a lot about having existential crisises. And I had a good month where I thought it was all gone and then it kind
of seeped back in a little bit. And you know, every once in a while, I meet someone or talk to someone, or I have some experience that makes me feel like, you know, there there is more life to be lived in the future. Should should one be brave enough or cognizant enough to take it? And I felt like that conversation with Anna was another one of those experiences. So thank you for calling.
Hello, Marcus. What's going on, man, I'm hanging out. I wasn't expecting to get a call back.
What did you want to talk about today, sir?
Uh? I wanted to talk about dodgeball.
Oh, tell me more.
Uh, what do you know about dodgeball?
What do I know about dodgeball? I used to play dodgeball at summer camp. I Uh, let's do I fucking know about dodgeball?
Yeah?
I used to play a summer camp. I know there's a movie about it. Those are the main things I know about dodgeball.
Yeah, I see. I feel like that that is the main thing. Like whenever people bring up or whenever I bring up dodgeball and conversations, people are always like, oh, yeah, I remember playing that, you know, in middle school or whatever.
I picked up dodgeball about three years ago. Well, first, I'll say that like in the movie Dodgeball, they act as if there's like this international like you know, uh circuit of tournaments that you know, people gather around and and and that that people play in and so like that sounds really cartoonish and crazy, and I recently learned that's not terribly far from the truth. Uh So I
play competitive dodgeball currently. Me and some friends got together a couple of years ago and we were just looking for something to do, like get out there and like meet people, like pick an activity, and uh, the city I live in, they have like a one of those like you know, adult sports like organizations, so you sign up whatever, played go ball, play flag football, do whatever.
And we wanted to get together and like pick a sport, but we didn't want to pick anything that you know that you know, we're going to be playing against fucking d one athletes and stuff. So we picked dodgeball kind
of as a as a joke. And that was like three years ago, and in the time since then, we've just met a bunch of people and traveled a bunch of places and learned like there is a team USA dodgeball, and there is like a world tournament and there is all this stuff and yeah, it's kind of my favorite thing that I do right now.
Ooh, so how did how did one? How do you discover the dodgeball scene? Like what did you what did you google?
What did you do?
Well?
So like that there's this adult like sports organization you can sign up, you know, pay some money for you know, and they run like six week leagues and they have everything like pickleball, fucking cornhole, chess, bowling, whatever. And so we looked and we saw something that was like dodgeball inside of a brewery and we were like that sounds hilarious and fun, like fuck it, Yeah, well I'll have balls thrown at me and drink beer. Like, let's do that, and so we started doing that. It was a riot.
So we signed up for another like two or three seasons, and we started meeting some of the like I guess some of the hard oh's that have been doing it for like years, and they were like, oh, yeah, this is just where we go to like blow off steam like regularly in normal circumstances. We play like way more competitive dodgeball, and we're like, what do you mean competitive dodgeball?
So we catch some invites to you know, a kind of a more competitive league, still in the same group, but just like a different Oh, show up on Wednesdays, and it's way more competitive, and people are like more athletic, and we start meeting up doing like, you know, pick up dodgeball on the weekends and stuff, which is way cheaper.
And yeah, like those orgs, those people end up like creating organizations to host dodgeball tournaments dodgeball leagues, and there are like a bunch of regional tournaments all over the country. It's really popular in most major cities apparently. So I was just in uh, there was just two huge tournaments. I live in Boston. There's the two huge tournaments here in Boston this past weekend. I was in Philly a couple of weeks ago for like a big East Coast
tournament called the Beast Coast Tournament. And yeah, man, some of these people they go crazy, Like I feel like I'm a pretty normal guy, Like I don't play a lot of I never played a lot of throwing sports growing up. I guess I've played some soccer like everybody else did, you know, And so now I'm meeting people like the whole point that we chose dodgeball to play in the first place, is because like, there wouldn't be
any hardcore athletes there. And now all of a sudden, I've met all the hardcore athletes, and people just go fucking nuts like it's it's crazy. There are some animals. It's a lot of fun.
Man.
Honestly, I highly recommend it.
It's really funny to me that you picked dodgeball because you were like, oh, we want to do the least intense one, whereas feel like dodgeball is lends itself to the most try hards typically, Like I remember that in summer camp even there would be dodgeball tryhards.
Yeah, you know, I mean, you've got a point.
I mean, I guess it was just one of those things that I didn't expect, you know, yet, all the dodgeball try hards when you're in summer camp, they're like the kids that play baseball, you know what I mean, They're the kids that play football.
Those aren't those kids don't continue to play dodgeball, you know what I mean. So I guess we just figured it would be like fun and stupid, and we'd be like frolicking around and drinking beer and that is not what it turned out to be.
I guess, so have you, over the course of time become the try hard.
I regrettably Maybe not regrettably, but yeah, if I'm honest, Yeah, I mean like I played two three times a week on a good week. I started like putting in work and like getting in better shape, like my cardio's way up. I can actually throw a ball now. The only thing I was ever good at when I started dodgeball was the dodging part. I couldn't throw for shit, I couldn't catch for shit. And now it's like I've been playing
for three years, like weekly at least. And yeah, I mean like I'm kind of I mean, I'm not even close to some of the best dues in my community, but I hold my own, which is nice, and I have a fucking blast doing it. It's the best, man, Honestly, we have a fucking blast.
That's awesome. I'm how old are you?
I'm twenty eight.
What's the age demographic generally of the dodgeball league.
I would say, like entry, I think the leagues start at twenty one plus, but like, I don't think I've met anybody under twenty five, Like I want to say, maybe there's like some twenty three year olds. I think there's one kid who's nasty and he's like twenty three or twenty four in my league, But everybody's actually surprisingly like over twenty five, and a fair amount of people are actually over thirty, which I think is pretty interesting. Like a lot of these people that I play with
are like the old heads. So like we were going to like really big tournaments now and I'm standing there next to this dude who's like forty, and he's like, man, I remember when this used to be in a sky zone and we're loly sick. Man. That's that's great. Hasn't the sport grown?
You know?
Have you gotten any serious injuries from playing dodgeball at all?
I haven't, actually, you know, I took a pretty bad tumble recently, so like, for the most part, no, I know guys who I know. One dude, I just saw him this weekend at a tournament. He's not playing anymore. He's like in his forties, I think, because he basically, over the course of ten years of playing dodgeball just like ripped his rotator cuff to shreds, just absolutely just blew it apart and kept playing on it and like
can't really play anymore. So he shows up to the events just to I guess to support hang out, but yeah, we don't see him fucking anywhere anymore. I was like dealing with some knee issues for a little while, mostly because like other playing dodgeball, which is a lot of like sprinting and like jumping and diving. I don't do a lot of other exercise, so it was a lot of like I wasn't doing a lot of strengthening. I
was just fucking beating my body down. So a couple of weeks ago, I kind of like jumped in the air to like jump over a ball and then like didn't get my feet back under me with enough time, so I just like fucking slammed on the ground really hard on my knees, like from four or five feet in the air, and that shit hurt. That hurt like a motherfucker, I like so much so that like, I like, I don't think, I don't know if I tore anything. I've got an appointment in a month to like get
it looked at. I guess I'm good now. I can walk around like I'm fine. But it was so bruised that like crawling into bed. I couldn't crawl into bed like just putting my weight on the cushy like you know, mattress topper like a lot. So that was really scary. I thought that I thought that I had done it. I thought that I had like done the I had I had done the event. That like fucked me up forever.
But we're good. Now, we're good. I got I got another tournament next weekend and we're we're just running it.
What is your life like outside of Dodgeball?
I am uh, I'm an engineer. I designed stuff, and I mean that's you know, I sit at a desk a lot. But aside from that, I also I make need and I uh play Dungeons and Dragons. I feel like any one of those. I feel like it's a lot of the ship that just got really popular on the internet recently. I have given it a try, and so I got really into D and D. I still I've got like a three year long running tournament campaign which has been great. And I homebrew and that's a blast.
I'm I'm making needs right now. I got some needs in my basement that are brewing. I'm going to Maine this weekend to go pick some berries and so that I can do some brewing.
I think you got a nice life, man, You've got a nice life. You're very You're one of the more quaint twenty seven year old men that I know.
I mean, yeah, yeah, I mean, you know, you gotta you gotta do something. I spent most of my I spent the first like three years out of college just like surviving, you know, just just doing just trying to be And that was I don't know, like I was alive, but I didn't. I wasn't feeling good, you know. I was, you know, depressed and and tired all the time. And you just gotta you gotta start somewhere, I guess. And
so I don't remember. I think I started doing D and D first, and that just kind of like got me connected with friends again.
And then.
I moved in with some buddies from college, and one of my buddies like, he's not somebody who can sit still, and so he was just like trying to do as many things as possible, and so we started signing up for shit together. So I kind of credit him with a lot with you know, getting me out of the house. And now here I am three four years later, and I have like a lot of hobbies and a lot of shit to do, and I'm traveling a bunch. It's nice. I'm pretty I'm pretty pleased. I can't lie to you.
Man.
I love it. I love it, I love I love doing things. I think doing things is good. I think that. Yeah, I mean, these days, it's like you need to have something that gets you out of the house and around people. So I'm glad to hear that this, that dodgeball has been the thing that works out for you. I'm glad that you haven't broken your fucking nose or anything like that.
Yeah.
No, what's your name again? Man, My name is Marcos Marcus. Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
Uh no, Just just fucking get out there. Do anything, do something, Just do something. Don't sit at home. Yeah, I like, don't sit at home and stare at your reflection.
Take care of Marcus.
Thank yeah you too.
Hey, folks, it's Lyle. I've decided I'm going to end this episode by doing some viewer male emails. So so this is going to be the gek male portion of this podcast. I'm gonna read a few viewer mails and then I'm gonna leave, and then the podcast will be over, and then you can either listen to another one or go do something else with your life. Although I think people who listen to podcasts are usually doing something while they're listening to the podcast, so you can, I guess,
keep doing what you are doing, or do something else. Okay, I'm gonna read these emails. Let's do all right. This is the GEK male section of this episode. I might start doing this more often, combining phone calls and GEK males, so let's start with this one. This is from mx rat, subject line Saudi Dating and American. Hi, Lyle, I hope you're having a good day and that this email makes it on one of your GEK Male episodes. I am twenty seven female from Saudi Arabia and dating a twenty
seven female from the United States. She introduced me to your show and actually attended one of your live shows in Los Angeles.
Fuck you.
As you can tell from the info above, we are gay. The community in Saudi is not accepting of queerness, so I'm pretty closeted. Only a handful of people from my country know that I'm gay, which explains the long distance relationship interesting. I'm seeing a surge in the number of gay couples that are starting to emerge with the younger generations in Saudi, and it secretly makes me happy because I never got to explore relationships or my sexuality before
the age of twenty two to twenty three. I feel like I'm missing out on life and many experiences, not just being closeted, but also having really strict parents that still treat me like a teenager. I don't really know what the point of this email is. I guess I'm just venting. Thank you for everything that you do. I play your podcast while I'm cleaning or doing anything. Really, your perspective on things always comes off as mature and thoughtful. Thanks MX. That makes hap that that that it comes
off that that is good. Thank you do I have thoughts on this, man, you know, I was talking about this a little I was thinking about this a little bit. We talk a lot of shit about America, and one hundred percent of the ship we talk about America is warranted. But sometimes you do go to other places and you're like, damn ship. We do have a lot of things in America that we kind of take for granted America. I'm perfect. America's got a lot of fucking problems, undeniably so, but
it is nice that we I think, I think. I I've only really traveled around the English speaking countries and like, you know, I've been to Thailand in Japan, but you know, places in Europe and stuff. But it does feel like individuality and like self exp Russian is you know, an American thing, and that always that gets reinforced to me when I read emails like this, I'm bummed out for this person. I don't really know. I don't know if I have any Well, I can ponder, I can ponder
with her. I mean, it's hard, right, It's well, okay, she said, I'm seeing a surge in the number of gay couples that are starting to emerge within the younger generation in Saudi So what's up with that?
Like?
Are there like are are people in Saudi Arabia? Like are there gay couples that are like walking down the street holding hands and stuff? Like when you say you're seeing a surge in the number of gay couples, like, where are you seeing it? Is there a community somewhere in Saudi Arabia that you could be a part of that is that dangerous. I don't know. I don't really know anything about Saudi Arabia. I'd like to go there someday so I can know things about it, but I
don't know. I think, I mean, it sucks having parents that don't accept you for who you are. That's just a bummer that it's it's it's hard because you can't really fucking change your parents and you can't really like, uh, you know, I was gonna say, I was gonna say, you can't really change society, but you kind of can, but it's hard. You could move, you could come to America, but I know that that's hard.
Two.
So yeah, I don't know. Try to, I guess, try to find the community in Saudi Like if you're seeing other gay couples, are there other people you can make friends with that at least you can commiserate with? Okay?
This is uh.
From oh, this is from Terry subject line I feel shame after masturbating. Hey, Lyle, if you're somehow seeing this, I just want to say I love your show and appreciate what you do. Thank you. I feel a little weird writing this, but I'm not sure who else to talk to. So I am here. I am a man, and I masturbate, usually once a week, sometimes more. The issue is I often feel a lot of shame afterwards. What once a week, once a week, Terry, once a week, once a week, Dear Lord Terry. I don't watch porn.
I sometimes listen to audio porn. I'm not religious right now, and I'm currently single, So I think the guilt comes from feeling like I'm failing as a man, like I'm giving into temptation and losing control. In other words, it's a weak thing to do. I often myself by avoiding things I enjoy for a couple of days. After that being said, I do enjoy it while I'm doing it. I want to be the best version of myself, and I'm worried that choking the sausage may stop me from
doing that or be hurting my energy. Slash vibe, do you have any advice for dealing with this kind of shame or do you think it is limiting me as a person? Is it a weak thing to do? And should I stop? Thanks for reading, Ghek, and I hope this isn't super weird. Terry. The only weird thing about this is that you miss read once a week, you masturbate once a week, and you feel shameful about it. Oh my god, man, I don't even know how many
times a day I'm masturbate. I don't know why I'm publicly saying that on the internet, but whatever, it's This is what happens when you have a podcast. You just say stuff. Um No, you don't have to feel shame, Terry. You're you're here's the thing. You have biological imperatives. You have a biological drive for sexual gratification, and achieving that through masturbation once a week is completely fine. And you know what, it would be fine if you did it
twice a day. More than twice a day, you're getting a little it's getting a little crazy. More than twice a day, you might have a problem. But no, I don't think you should be punishing yourself or living with shame. I mean, because here's the well, here's the thing, Terry, here's actually the most Let me let me actually wrangle my thoughts around this. My actual thoughts around this are, like, what do you want to do with your life? Terry?
Like who do you want to be what do you want to do, and like, is masturbating actually getting in like preventing you from doing it? For example, like whatever if you want to like go to the gym more often. I don't think that masturbating once a week is going
is preventing you from doing that. I mean, if you're masturbating ten times a day and because of that you're not like going out and talking to people or working on the things you want to work on, or hitting your goals anyway, then then then I would say that would be when it is a problem. But once a week is not enough for it to tangentially affect. I don't believe any of your your goals. So you know, you got at least you can do this. You have You've got at least thirteen more sessions a week that
you can do before you you start to descend. Terry. Okay, let's see here. This is from Uri subject line thank you gek, hello Geko man, my name is Yuri. And they gave their last name and then they said, yeah, I like the call of duty guy. Okay, that probably gave it away. But uh, I've always struggled with socializing, and I've always been super awkward when trying to meet
people and keep a conversation going. But after listening to you for a few years, I've learned how to ask follow up questions, even if it's over extremely mundane shit. Hell Ya, you've had a lot of awkward phone calls, and I honestly have no idea how you've managed to
breeze through them like nothing. You know what, Uri, I'm thank you so much for saying that, because I have had a lot of not just awkward phone calls on this podcast, but imagine this, lots of awkward interactions and conversations in my real life over the course of twenty seven years. How do I breeze through them? It's gotten easier. Honestly. This morning I had an awkward conversation with someone and I felt bad about it for at least an hour afterwards.
But that was about two hours ago, and now I'm fine.
I don't know.
I think it's something about living in the present. I don't really I don't really live in the past. I try not to live in the past as much as I can, and I don't know a weird or awkward interaction I've learned how to easily discard it. You let yourself.
You here's what I think this happened. This doesn't. This is something that you cultivate where you have an experience that you feel awkward or shameful about, and then you you bask in the awkwardness and the shame and the anxiety of it for because you got to do that. You got to bask. You got to bass and the shame and the anxiety and the awkwardness because it's it's just inherent to the experience. But once you finish basking, you move on. Don't bask for too long. Limit your basking.
Bask for like, if you need to bask for twenty four hours, bask for twenty four hours, but have a limit. Don't bask over don't bask over everything all the time. Pick the things, bask over them for a set period of time, and then move on.
You know.
Otherwise it's like otherwise, I mean, otherwise basking becomes masturbatory. You like the last the last emailer, and then you know, I mean, like like if you have an awkward conversation in the morning and then you spend the entire rest of the day agonizing over how awkward or bad or you handle that situation. You know, if you if you kind of bask in that, it's basically like you spent the whole day masturbating. There's really no difference between doing
those two things. So this is a similar thing from the previous caller, previous previous emailer. See if the previous emailer just had an awkward conversation once a week and got upset at themselves about it once a week, that's a great that's a great basking ratio. Okay, I gotta
finish reading this email. I just wanted to say thanks, because not only is your show extremely helpful to listen to people's crazy experiences, but also just listening to you talk to people has helped me go from the weird dude at the bar panicking because he wants to meet people but is too scared all the way to the loud, funny dude in the middle of seven conversations. Look at this guy, Look at uri. You rock here, I fuck with you super hard. That rocks. That's awesome.
I am. You know.
In my personal life, I have a strong range of social energy. There are some nights I have had I have been to parties or social events. Some nights where I walk in and I'm just like, I will talk to anyone. I'm amazing. I'm like everything I say like is perfectly makes sense and it's funny. I gracefully enter and exit conversations. I know what to say to make people like, you know, uh, instantly, like we're instantly connecting
and whatnot. Okay, you know I have nights like that, and then I have nights where I'm just like, oh, I can't I can't do it. I can't talk to anyone. I have no energy. I hate myself. I don't know why anyone would ever want to be around me or talk to me or you know, oh my god, how am I supposed to you know, have have form new relationships if I'm this guy, you know, just so much shame, so much self hate, and it's like, I really it's a I don't know what it is. I always try
to solve for X on that. Sometimes I have such great energy and sometimes I have no energy, but it's a strong range. So I feel you on that. I've made tons of friends because of it, and I just want to say I appreciate your existence. Thank you.
Uri.
I'm also on art teacher, and I'm going to attach some of my paintings because I know you're also into art. Have a fantastic day. When did I say I was into art?
I mean I do like art.
I think everyone likes art. Oh, I like these paintings a lot. Look at this is This is a cool jealous guy painted a jellyfish and a pirate ship. Shout out to Uri. He painted a jellyfish and a pirate ship. Good luck, good luck, good luck Uri. This is from Demetrius. Demetrius says, hey, Lyle, I'm Demetrius, and the last time I tried to email you, I overthought about it and it took me three months to send it to you. Then you stopped doing gek mail. I'm kind of always
gek mail is on a rolling basis. I'm not sure if you'll get the chance to read the old email. But we met at your last London show and we hung out after it your podcast. I'm trying to remember, Yeah, I went out to a spoons with a bunch of people after London. I think your podcast has been a comforting thing for me, and it helps me to think about a lot of things that I struggle with and my overall thinking. I'm planning to try and call in at some point to have a proper chat with you.
In this email, I just want to say how the past few months have been very eventful. I've now been taking seventy milligrams of Vivants holy shit for a few months and has helped me in quite a few aspects of my life. I made lots of new friends, I got a small promotion at my job, and I have been trying to travel and go to events as much as I can. Wait that rocks, Yes, seventy milligrams of Vivants will. We'll make you some friends, get you a promotion,
and get you traveling for sure. I feel like I've made so much progress, but at the same time, I feel like I'm behind, and then I need to work harder on myself. It feels like this will be a never ending battle. Do you think there's any way to get out of this mindset?
Yes?
I do.
This is something I think about.
A lot.
Because i've.
Yes.
Yes, Here are my thoughts about this, at least in this very moment. On July fifteenth, twenty twenty five, at two o four pm. These are what my thoughts are in this exact moment. My thoughts in this exact moment are that you will have milestones that you want to hit, and you will have goals and you'll hit them, and you'll keep moving the goalposts, and you keep moving the goalposts, You'll keep working on things, and you'll be like, oh, you know, I really wanted to make new friends. I
wanted to get a promotion. I wanted to travel, And then you do all those things and then you're like, why the fuck do I still feel behind? Why do I still feel like I'm not enough? And I think that if you've been doing those things as a way to feel enough, the external validation that those things give you is not going to really fill your internal hole. And also, at a certain point, I mean, I'm twenty seven.
I've been relatively goal oriented my whole life, and this year specifically, I've gotten to a point where I'm like, you know what, it's never going to end, dude. I was hanging out with my dad. My dad is sixty six years old, and he has a giant list of projects that he wants to do and ideas that he has, and I was like, damn, my dad is sixty six and I when i'm his When i'm his age, if I'm lucky enough to make it to his age, I'm probably still.
Going to be.
Having ideas and wanting to do things and wanting to work on myself. And you realize that that there is no there. You never get there, and that's good. I think you get out of this mindset by realizing that that's good that you're never going to get there, because it's part of life, you know, struggling a little bit to improve, well, ideally ideally, not struggling. Ideally it's out of love. You know, ideally, it's not a struggle. Ideally, you're propelled by love.
You know.
Ideally, you're making friends, and you're getting a promotion, and you're traveling and going to events as much as you can because you love life, and because you always want to get more out of life. You always want to push yourself, and you care about yourself and you care about your life. And so you get out of that mindset by realizing that you're doing the things you do
because you love yourself, not because you hate yourself. You know, That's what I'm trying to get at in my own in my own life, you know, So that's what I would say. I would say that you're on a fucking roller coaster. You're the never ending battle with yourself. It's not you're not battling yourself. You're cooperating with yourself to get the most out of life because you care about yourself and you care about the world, and you want to participate. It's good. It's a really, really good thing.
It's the opposite of like fucking existential nihilism, where you're like, what's the point. You know, Demetrius, You're you're participating, so keep participating. I'm on thirty milligrams of I advance myself right now. Participate and enjoy the journey. You have to switch the mindset to enjoying the quote unquote never ending battle. It's not a never ending battle. It's a never ending cooperation and uplifting of yourself. God that sounds douchey, but
it's what's in my heart. At a two eight pm on July fifteenth, twenty twenty five, all right, let's do one more email. This is from Linus. Subject line question for you. Oh God, Hi, l On. My name is Lionis and I am from Denmark. Hope you come back for a show someday. I did a show in Denmark two years ago. That's fun. I love Denmark man Copenhagen's one of my favorite fucking places on the earth. Maybe I'll go back soon. I love your show and I
listen to it every day at work. It's a very nice way for me to kind of disassociate from what I'm doing and makes the time go by faster. I know you are a weed guy. I am also a weed guy. I was wondering if you could tell us about the first time you smoked. I would also love to hear what your family thinks about your use and maybe win slash how they found out about it. Uh, thank you for the podcast. I really appreciate you. Um fuck, I'm not my memory is shit because I smoke weed.
But my dad and my mom have always known that I smoked weed. I mean I started smoking weed when I was fourteen or fifteen, and my parents always knew and they never got upset about it. I think that they. I mean, we kept it hidden, but my parents, my parents are a big.
Wait.
We never got no. We no, I'm sorry, we did keep it hidden. My parents were always big like I'd rather them do it at my house than like drive and do it that was my mom's big thing, where she was like, look, I know that you get high. I know that you and your friends are as getting high, but like, don't fucking drive and get high. That was my mom's thing. I think my parents, Yeah, my parents always knew that I was smoking weed and they were fine about it. We never really talked about it, but yeah,
I think that that was their philosophy. It is like we know that they're going to do it, but just don't drive while you do it. The first time I smoked weed was with We had a neighborhood dealer. His name was Noah. I don't know why, I'm I shouldn't give his name. Whatever, there is a billion Noah's. Shout out Noah, Noah, if you're listening to this, if you somehow get this sent to you, Noah Noah's Noah. Noah was the neighborhood dealer and I went with him my
buddy Chase to the woods. We smoked a blunt and Noah said to me, you know that you can tell that you're high if your spit is white. And so I was spitting on the ground a lot, and I was I would think I was pretty high, and so I started. I was I was pretty high, and I was sal salivating, salivating a lot, and so I just started spitting on my hands and like rubbing them together. And so I was just walking with my friends, just spitting on my hands and rubbing in together. My hands
were all sticky and covered in spit. My friends looked at me and they were like, what the fuck are you doing? And I was like, I don't even I don't know. I thought they I heard that if you spit and it's white, you're high. And they were like, we don't want to hang out with you anymore. You're a little weird. We don't like this. This was thirteen years ago. They still bring it up sometimes, me spitting on my hands. I try not to live in the
past though. Thank you for your question. Linus. Folks, this has been gek mail. Send an email, Send an email to me therapy geckomail at gmail dot com. I might do more of these half phone call, half gek mail episodes. I'm gonna keep trying to do one IRL episode a week. I'm working really hard on my Tijuana documentary and hopefully more documentaries after that. I'm going to be uploading that actually here on Spotify and on YouTube, so be on
the lookout. Thank you guys for listening to this podcast. Thank you guys for being here. Send an email Therapy geckomail at gmail dot com and uh, I might answer your email like seven months after you send it, so so just keep keep sending emails Therapy Gecko mail at gmail dot com. I might try to do more of these hybrid episodes and okay, well that's it. That's all. That's all the rest I have to say. I'll be back on Sunday with an I R L episode and
I will see you guys. Then get bless and good luck. Bye again. Goes on the line taking your phone calls every nine. Goes to stagings loud in the of your line. An expert