Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, I am a person.
Hi. What's your name? Person? I am Vincent Vince, Sir? What's going on? How's life?
Life is? It is what it is? There's good, there's batters, ups and downs. You know.
Well, man, what's uh would you want to talk about today?
Well, a thing that I've been trying to work through with therapy and you know, stuff for a couple of my eggs, like half a year ago. Uh, And I've been resorting to transactional relationships and in fear of putting myself out there and getting hurt while being vulnerable again right, mm hmm, So that's an unhealthy coping mechanism.
What sorts of transactional relationships? Uh?
In the past is like strip club, but I went there a few times and I got over it. Massages, regular places for like physical touch like a love language thing, or just even something like talking to someone on a fiver, like paying someone to talk to me, because all I do is go to work and pretty much day in life.
Yeah, and how how have those experiences been for you?
It's it is what it is, like you pay for the service or and sometimes I'm understanding of like what your needs are, like reading you because they're in that business, right, not necessarily sex book or anything. Even like my massage therapist, shed understands like I'm looking for some type of not necessarily affection, but like just like being there present is like a nice thing. And she even gives me hugs or like you know, when we're partying and stuff. So
that's one. But I'm trying to walk through with my therapist and.
Yeah, what's your therapist say about all this?
My therapist actually actually my insurance just changed so that that was a therapist anymore. And my last therapist left me with the bill of five hundred dollars because because because my insurance changed and didn't cover the last month and the last portion of one of our sessions. I mentioned how I questioned if a this therapy was a transactional relationship and she said no, but on the on's
the mill game? What's the milk game? I was like, I see, and they have the rate on there, you know, on those SMSY sign and you know liable for that. You know he's playing name all that. So yeah, it became what it was, uh yeah, hm hm.
So you you said that you're afraid of putting yourself out there? Why is that?
Mmm? I guess the lot of the relationship I was in. Uh, I didn't. I wasn't in a relationship for a long time. And then she came along as she was into me and that we were just friends for like two years from like online stuff, and then I just gave a shot. And then somewhere along the line she didn't have time. She started making excuses and it didn't work out well. In the two years. That's a short time.
But yes, And when you say you're afraid of putting yourself out there, what do you envision putting yourself out there to be in the form of team To phrase that question, what would you putting yourself out there look like?
I guess being more comfortable in my own skin again, And I don't know, I just I just I guess I hold a lot of like I don't know if the words we that meant, but like kind of like pain or when she wants to keep in touch, like to be friends and stuff, so she hits me up and she's like, oh, I don't have to have them to hang out, but she wants to text me and tell me about her problems, you know, Yeah, But I just want to be comfortable my own skin and feel
confident in self esteem and then you know, hopefully you get back into a like regular life, normal life.
As I say, well, I don't think you should feel shame about any of these transactional relationships, and I'll say about like how do they make you feel? Like do you do you feel good afterwards? Do you feel bad afterwards?
The strip club? I felt shame. There were some guy things that I did that I felt shame and guilt for, like shame about maybe a topic that isn't talked about or because of in certain cultures, your pressure, sexuality and growing up. That's what I did. And then I never did anything like that until this, right, Like that outlandish for a guy. Guy stuff, right, So that was something I had to process, like acknowledging the different sides of me and trying to accept myself and although the past
has happened, like try to move on. But I guess it was just triggering when she texted me the other day as well. But yeah, that's that happens, and I should probably block, but I just haven't blocked anyone ever.
You're a you're a smart You're a you're a smart guy, to understand the root of the of the of the issue though, that you're not comfortable in your own skin, right because right because a lot of because you really you could confuse it, right, you could confuse it and you could go, I need to be in love, I need to have sex, this and that and the other thing. And it's like, well, those are just like if you, if you like look deep enough, those are kind of
I don't and I don't fucking know. I really don't. I really don't fucking know, but I think those are are you know, in my higher mind, I'm like, I I really feel as though those are like probably are just band aids for not feeling comfortable in your own skin, but also I don't know, they're also like integral parts of the human experience, right of course, And to say that one can live calmly without them is uh, I guess a stretch.
I would say, it's like a cope, a heavy cope, and everyone has their own vices and stuff, some healthy someone healthy just gotta yeah, I'm totally aware of what's going on from just lacking action.
Okay, what would that action look like?
And I blame it on like, you know, any mental illness or ADHD, shit blah blah blah. You know, so like procrastination and getting shit done besides work outside of work, like using those four to six hours after work or on the weekends to be productive or but there is it like what I want to do to improve or like to to myself or is it because what society?
Right?
I'm trying to find that balance.
What do you want? What do you want to do to improve? Then?
Mm hmm keep reading and learning, although I don't absorb information that well h but I get like the main points of stuff. Have a hobby that allows me to have an emotional creative outlet. Yeah, I'm not sure.
That's all smart stuff.
Just needs action, yeah, action, curious fear.
I mean, what are you doing today?
Work? Work?
What do you do for work?
I am in the entertainment industry. Well that's what I say. Uh, fireworks company doing contracts imperments?
Do you call.
I'm the entertainment industry and I love Yeah? Yeah, that's how I say it, right, that's how you sell it.
Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's very I've never heard of anyone saying that working in fireworks is the entertainment industry. But you are not people.
All right, You're not wrong.
You're not wrong. You're not wrong. I'm not saying you're wrong. I'm not saying. I'm not saying you're wrong.
I mean, I'm not kidding. I'm sorry.
I was making I was trying to make some joke about jizzing and fireworks, but it didn't. It didn't.
Yes, very explosive. No, not. November is very successful. I was actually at your show in Los Angeles, by the way.
Oh, oh, you're at the show. Oh that's all. Yeah, the fucking the cemetery. That's cool.
I wish it was longer, but you know, it was a great experience. I love the crowd, and I appreciate you taking my call today.
Yeah, of course. Well I don't know if we're done yet. We don't have to be.
Oh hello, I'm still here. Hello.
Hello, I'm I'm rooting for you. Man, You're you seem like a smart guy. I really, I really feel that way. You're on a good path. I wish you wouldn't be so afraid of putting yourself out there, because I like, I gets the thing with the transactional relationships is that you come to find out that they're unsustainable, right. I mean they're like, they're good, like little band aids, I
guess to like. But but once you start relying too much on the band aids, it can it can take your focus off of all the positive, all the ship that you're talking about that's positive, you know, right.
I would like you to let y'all know that I was hospitalized actually last year before I got this job. Oh shit, let's they know who I am on this internet. Uh, like, in a psychiatric ward for having psychosis as I was addicted to adderall endemics.
That's cool, all is awesome that.
From Well, I got sober since then, so I haven't. It's just like such a crazy change in life in my life since like the previous year, right, So that's when I'm like coming from and I'm just trying to move forward. But then, you know, like you said, it's a experience of just living on life, just going through the motions. I got my lexapro.
I'm sorry. I said it was cool that you were hospitalized, but I was because I but also.
Oh no, it was it was it was fun, okay.
See I thought it was fun. And then I looked at the chat and somebody was like, why are you saying that? And I'm like, well, this is why I shouldn't read the chat anyway.
You should read the chat.
I shouldn't read the chat. You know what, You're god, you know what? Thanks man. I shouldn't read the chat.
YouTube comments, Twitch chat. They just want to, you know, say, you just say hi hi chat and they say hi back and they give you emojis. That's pretty cool, though, you got dope, gig na fuck fuck all that.
Oh okay, no, we see Now everyone's gonna be like, all right, all right, I'm talking to you. I'm not talking to anyone else. I'm talking to you right now.
I've a read my tarrat card reading too. I gotta read my chair card reading.
Tarot card reading? Was what you you read tarot cards?
Yeah? Just like your last person, like, you know, it's an app. It's an app. We're twenty four.
What's your U taro?
I don't know. That's why I gotta read it.
Okay, all right, before we go, give me a list. What are your things? What are your let's let's do, let's let's do self improvement nonsense.
I plug my music that I haven't made or released in two years of the.
Spotifyc you gotta do this self improvement thing with me first, and then we can do that.
Okay, okay, here I go, here I go. Sorry, self improvement, self improvement. Okay, let's go.
Okay, all right, what are we gonna do? What do we do?
What?
What?
Never mind?
This was?
This was stupid. I don't know what I'm talking about. That you're out of the healthy, healthy, healthy habits.
How they have over over small gains over time. If you go a big goal, you go, what the fuck? I can't do that. But if you break it down and make it sustainable, like something like making your bed, make your fucking bed right, and you're like yeah, and you go home and you're like, that's a nice bet.
And then keep doing that, and you do little things that you say you love yourself, and you do your you fucking wash your face at night, and you're like, yeah, my face is going to get better so I don't look like a fucking mess head because I used to do adderall right exactly. So all I'm the saying is.
You know, I like the idea that you made your bed so well that they sent you to the psych ward.
Oh no, those those posts.
Like The only way he could have made his bed so perfectly was by being on a ton of adderall.
The cycle word was crazy though. I mean ten days and every day is just the same on cycle three days and femals a day you watch TV and you sit out there, and once a week this lady comes in with activities and you know, like, ah, get me out of hair. But they give you milk, and the milk's so good because it comes like you know when you're a little kid, you know you got the little
milk with a little thing. And then like this one girl, she was like eklepto and she would steal other people's clothes and she was steeled milk and eat other feel of foud. But she's diabetic. And then there was one guy that was playing guitar like all the time and he was just chilled there and he had like a conservator or something and that's what he said, cool stuff.
What kind of activities are we talking? Like, like they bring you like a coloring book.
Yeah, coloring was was one.
That actually does sound nice, Like if I were going insane, that was what that would be. Something I would want to do, is color like structure.
They gave you structure.
Yes, yeah, they're not gonna.
Put sixty four and there super smash. I would be like, ah, I think to that again, you know, but no, they give us coloring books to calm this the fuck down. Within the lines, you know, you know, but some people breaking rules and that's how they got there.
This guy's crazy. He's coloring outside the lines exactly.
Imagine what he was doing the real world with those crowns.
Fuck right, are you doing better? You sound like you're doing a lot better.
I am doing better, yes, thank you. I just happened to go in those you know once a month, got to cry it all out, cathartic feelings, you know, those motions trying to well For me, I didn't have like everyone I feel like everyone has trauma, right, and then
I was lacking uh role models growing up. So now I look through to like authors or like, not necessarily friends, but mentors are somewhat you know, a pastor, and not necessarily for religion or anything, but for like like to model off of their good traits and stuff, like to develop healthy masculinity.
Do you feel as though you've developed a healthy sense of.
Masculinity better than before, Because there's a lot of work to go.
Still, you sound all right, you honestly, and I really mean this, sound like you're on an upward trajectory in.
Life, upward trajectory until probably eight pm, and then I'm like.
Yeah, what's what's at eight pm? What's going on? APM?
You know my mood slips for some reason. Can I tell my doctor?
Yeah? The night nights are crazy. It's easy to it's easy to not go insane when the sun is out.
When the sun's I probably need more sunlight. To be honest, I need to touch grass.
Yeah, you do need to touch We all got we all need to touch grass.
Yeah. I used to live on Reddit, so that's where I'm coming from. Back then, do you twitch.
Do you go outside? Do you do anything?
Uh? Walks around the neighborhood. When I had really severe anxiety, I started playing Pokemon Go and that got me out of the house. That was like post COVID. But I don't play with much now but not really physical now.
Mm hm oh wait we never did it. Wait no, we did do healthy habits. We did that.
Already, healthy habits.
Not vaping, Okay, we're not We're gonna We're gonna not vape. We're gonna not go on only fans.
What if you're cherrier and you want to explore.
Your masculinity, Isn't that that's.
What you want to support? Entrepreneurs and artists over the world. Don't you want to support them?
Stay stay with me, man, come on, stay with me. All right, stay with me, Stay with me. Oh all right, stay stay with me. We're gonna go on some walks. We're gonna fucking we're gonna get ripped.
But but this is me sober and then like people are like are you hot?
And I'm like, no, no, you're doing great. Trust man's gonna it's gonna be all right, okay, all right, what else? We're gonna not go on only fans. We're gonna go on walks. We're gonna look at the sun, take some supplements.
Wash your face, high gene, self care, self care, love yourself affirmation, affirmation, less negative self talk.
Less negative self talk. All right, alright, what's your band? You can hit me with the band now we did it. I don't want to. And if we say another healthy habit, I'm gonna immediately hang up the phone and go eat a.
Fucking healthy habit.
No more healthy habits, healthy habit.
Oh have a creative outlet, uh, creative outlet for producing music. That's why I just got this. I just got this synse, this DST Virtual Sensifizer instrument whatever for five hundred dollars and has ten thousand sounds. And I've been making electronic music, but I'm going to incorporate those sounds and it's gonna be fun.
Okay, where do we find your do you well? Okay, let me just ask say this to you real quick. Do you want because for all intentsive purposes, this podcast is anonymous. Do you do? You do you desire to forego your anonymity to plug your music?
At this point, who cares? Am I going to get canceled? That's if you get scared of getting canceled. Nothing, nothing, But I'm just saying, okay, okay. So here's the thing. I released a song called It's Only Binary.
Right.
It's like like kind of like digital analog sounding, you know, like a eight minute driving tracks. And then I don't want people to think that you know, it's.
You know, I don't think anyone's there's no lyrics in the song, right.
There's no lyrics, but.
You never why why would there was I would Why would somebody think that a song called It's only binary, that's just you making beeping noises. Why would they think they're gonna do you think they're going to think it's about gender?
Oh? Good point. Yeah, I think too much into a thing.
You think it too much into it?
You think it yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're.
Reading too much into it.
You're it.
We're both we're both looking at the chat too much. We're both looking at the chat of I'm not looking at all. Hold on, province the chat of life. It's a proverbial. Oh, I'm sorry, we're both looking at too much. Sor ry. I. No, you don't have to have nothing to apologize for.
Oh, take it back.
We're both we're both looking at the we're both looking at the chat of life too much. All right, you don't, you don't. Just don't look at the chat. That's a it's a it's a metaphor for life. Don't look at the chat.
I'm totally wait for work.
Okay, I'm gonna let you go.
Then, okay, I want to plug.
It, plug it. What's your plug?
And I want to make new music, and then you will listen that one day it will be your theve song in the background like eight hour music, meditation music I'll do for your dog.
Okay, you don't have to if you don't plug.
Yeah, it's a photic p h O t I K on Spotify and p.
H O t O K photic photo.
I K p h O O tik photic pH.
O tik photic.
Electronic. Yeah.
Is there anything else going to say to the people of the computer before we go vents?
Be kind to yourself and you're only human. Really, you're only human after all? Right? Yeah, Yeah, that's it. Thank you.
I have faith in events.
Thank you, appreciabable. Bye bye, how going bye?
That was cool. I liked that. I kind of want to color. Now. Hey, folks, this is Lyle. I am very excited to announce that I am going back on tour in twenty twenty four to do Therapy Gecko live all across the country. If you've never been to one of my live shows before, they are extremely fun, unpredictable, wild evenings that involve a mix of group oop Gecko therapy sessions as well as some material and presentations from myself.
And if you've been to the show before, I have new presentations and will of course be interviewing new people. If you're a fan of the podcast, you're gonna have a great time at the live show. So I hope to see you guys there. Go to therapy geckotour dot com or check the link in the episode description for
a full list of cities where tickets are available. Also, if you don't see your city on the list of cities, please still click the link and RSVP with your phone number so I can contact you when tickets go on sale for your city, because I'm going to announce a bunch more dates very soon. Gek Bluss, Hello, Hi there. What's your name?
Willow?
Willow?
What's up? What you want to talk about today?
I mean, I'm just trying to catch you vibe, but like, uh, I don't. We could talk about when I went fifteen thousand dollars in credit cards debt over two years because I was being manic.
We can talk about that if you would, like, what did you spend fifteen thousand dollars on?
So it was really stupid. I had just gotten out of a divorce and I was just like, all right, I'm going to reclaim my shit. So sorry, I can't breathe. I'm like shaking right now.
Tell me, let me know if you if you need, if you need a second, we can do some breathing exercises or something. I'm open.
Yeah, let's do that, all right?
One?
All right? Obviously wearing counts of ten one? Two?
Was it?
Were those two breaths good enough for you? Do you want to do the whole?
That was beautiful?
Thank you?
Okay?
Great?
Great?
Okay.
So I went into like the era of me, if that makes sense. So I spent a lot of money on clothes, but like the main thing was on rays, which was shit ton of raise.
How many raves is fifteen thousand dollars worth of raves?
Well over two years? Probably like eighty. But a lot of it was that, like I had.
To take an uber like forty minutes away because I don't have a car, And at first I was going by myself for like the first year, and then I met some people.
So it was fine.
You went to eighty raves over the course of two years.
I mean that's an estimate, but yeah.
Probably were they all in the same.
State, Yeah, they're on Dallas.
Oh wow, Were you doing a lot of MDMA.
No, I've actually only done it one time.
Really, I just want to buy.
It, you know.
No, that's good. I mean if you had done MDMA eighty times in the last two years, you would absolutely be done right now. No, you'd be dead. So all right, So you went through a divorce, yeah, and you went rave mode? Did you did this debt? Are you still in debt? Are you still in fifteen thousand dollars a debt?
I'm in thirteen thousand dollars in debt?
Now, okay? Is that negatively impacting your life?
Absolutely? This is all I think about. I'm so fucking shressed.
What do you? How old are you? Willow?
I'm twenty six?
Okay? Wait? When did you go on this rave.
Journey when I was like twenty four?
Okay? And it's all the debt because of the raves?
Oh, I mean mostly yeah, that's that's the main cause.
I would say, did you did you do you regret it? Or did you have a good time?
Hell no, it was amazing. I fucking loved raving. It's such a good community.
I mean that's good because that's the thing, right if you're gonna get yourself ato thirteen thousand dollars of debt. You might as well look back on those rays finally or else?
What was the point exactly?
And like I started with going to like larger ones, but now I got I go to a lot of local shows and it's even better and it's cheaper.
So people are gonna hate me for this. It's fine, I get it. I'm not gonna get invited to the cool parties anymore. No, no, No cool DJs are gonna want to come on my show. Everyone's gonna think I suck, But I'm just gonna say it. It's how I feel. I'm pretty sure I've said it before, but I have a thing all edm mm hmm. Kind of sounds exactly the same to me.
Well, you're not getting deep into it enough. I've been listening to since I was like ten, though, so like I feel like i've been.
Here a minute.
I'm gonna tell a story real quick. I'm almost positive I've hold this on the podcast before, and you've been if you've been listening for three years, can you tell me if you've heard me told this story before and about me, and tell me if you've heard me tell this before. I was at I was at d C Great Festival whether you're into electronic music or not, if you ever get the chance to d C fucking rocks.
I was at e DC and I was with these people and this guy like we're at we're at this uh tent or whatever, and there's a DJ playing and this guy that is in this group, he turns to the group and he goes, this is like, this is like mainstream d M music. This is like kind of like the your basic kind of d M that like everyone listens to. This is like the popular stuff. This is the mainstream stuff. Later on, deeper into the night, we're gonna go to this other tent and that's where
we're gonna hear the real underground stuff. Like this is the good this is the good stuff. So what we're watching right now, this is nothing. Right later on, we're gonna go to this other tent. We're gonna hear the real, true underground electronic music. Okay.
Yeah.
An hour later, a couple hours later, we go to a tent, a different tent, and the guy says, now, this this is the real underground electronic stuff. This is like the real this is like what I listened to is a real and willow. Yeah, it fucking sounded exactly the same.
Well, what kind of edim was it?
Though?
Like house music, gub stub? Do you even know? It?
Went like, it's all the same, And I know I'm not here to shoot on your hobbit.
By the way, by the way, by the way, I know I sound like a grinch. I like I like raves, I like idiom, I like the see, I like the like. I like the scene of it, you know, I like the scene. I love like anytime I've got gone to a music festival or a rave. It's it's so much fun for the scene. But it just unfortunately sounds very similar to me.
No, dude, you don't get it.
I don't I don't get it. I don't get it. I don't get it. I'm this is me said. It's not me shitting on it. It's not me saying that people who like it are stupid. It is me saying, truly that I do not get it.
You said you like country music, right, I like a lot.
Of kinds of music.
Yeah, I don't like country music because that all sounds the same to me.
I don't really listen to it. I've just been listening to like old stuff, like I'm listening to like Johnny Cash and oh I.
Love Johnny Cash's Johnny Cash.
Like I don't. I don't know a single who like Brad Paisley, who I've never like. I couldn't name a single song from him. All right, so you're in thirteen thousand dollars. This was fun. We got to forget about being in credit card debt for two seconds.
Yeah, that's always.
Nice, David, job.
I do.
I'm a beauty salesperson for a big retail store.
Okay, when you said all right, you're because when you said I'm a beauty salesperson, I was about to wonder if you were in an MLM, but I don't. You don't seem like you are. Oh, what do you know? An MLM is? No?
What is that?
Have you ever had a high school friend message you on Facebook being like, hey, Girley, I have a great deal on these Uh oh oh yeah, PARI straight nerds. You know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, I know it's not like that.
Uh.
Do you like your job?
I fucking hate it, But I've been there for seven years, so it's kind of complexting.
I don't know.
How you since you were nineteen. Yeah, dude, what would you do instead?
That's the thing.
I don't know, Like I feel like I have no direction.
Mm hmm.
Like I'd like to do something with music, Like I really like helping people get more exposure, but like I don't know what I.
Could do with that, you know?
Hmm?
What about uh you? I mean, I mean I here, Well, okay, you've after going to eighty raves, I assume you've got friends in the rave community.
Oh a ton?
Have you asked around and seen, you know, what, what opportunities may exist in in for making money and working at raves and things like that.
Yeah, but here's the thing, Like I don't I don't have a car either, and most of that's like forty five minutes away from me.
Mm hmm.
Do they do they pay you well enough at the at the retailer place?
No?
Have you gotten to raise at least after seven.
Years you think?
Right?
So I make fifty cents more than somebody that started yesterday.
That's fucking crazy, it.
Is, dude.
And like they're always like praising me for how good I work, the like where's the money though?
Mm hmm? I mean, could you get a different job?
I mean probably, But like I'm scared because like they have really good like benefits like health insurance and stuff, and like I need that because I take like four different medications.
I'm all fucked up.
Mmm mmmm, well, I'm glad. I'm glad that the raves were fun. Do you still go to raves?
Oh?
Yeah, but I cut down drastically. I've only gotten one so far this year, trying to do like one a month in the more because it was really messing up my sleep schedule and I was going to work like hungover a lot, and I was coming in late all the time, and I almost lost my job like three times.
You ever, I do you have an interest in making music?
What? No, I don't know.
I really don't.
A lot of my friends make music, but it's not for me.
Who's your favorite d M person?
Oh?
My god, right now, my god, I really like insect?
Who's insect? Who's whose insect?
He's a He's a rhythm DJ.
He's a rhythm D Yeah, he was really? Is aren't all is it? Aren't? Is it all music about rhythm?
Kind of not rhythm?
Rhythm R I D D I m oh what is rhythm?
So rhythm?
Like it's a sub genre of duve stuff, but it's you would hate it. It's very super repetitive. But like you can like throw ass to it, you can't and do some high knees to it.
Those are the main two things people do. But it's just it gets the crowd jumpy.
Why do you assume I would hate.
It because it's very repetitive, Like the whole song, so all of it's very repetitive. Like I get why it's not for all people.
Wait, you know what, I'm glad you brought this up because I was in a McDonald's a few days ago. I know, I've been talking a bunch of shit on here about how I'm gonna get ripped. But I was in a McDonald's a few days ago and there was a song playing and it was the same beat, just over and over and over and over and over and over again. And my friends and I thought that like
it was stuck or something was broken. Yeah, but I wish I had known at the time, because I would have been like, oh, it's just rhythm.
Maybe maybe, But I feel like a lot of people at raves are neurodivergent, and like from me, I have ADHD, and so I like repetitive stuff.
Oh, so the repetitive nature like the Oh, there's something fulfilling to the sense of OCD that you might have.
To ADHD.
Something something about the repetitive nature fulfills your ADHD yeh focus.
I don't know, man.
Willow, before we go, I just I'll just I'll throw a hail Mary out here before we go? Is there any if I if I wanted to make the experience of this phone call the most positive experience for you that it could be, if I wanted to be of any assistance to you in any way, shape or form, if I wanted you to hang up the phone and be like, you know what, that was worthy of my time to talk to the gecko guy for twenty minutes or however long we've been talking for. What would that
what would that look like? Is there anything else I can do for you before before we go?
I don't know. I just feel like this was a horrible call.
Not I'm not on your side.
On my side.
Why do you feel like this is a horrible call?
Because because I felt like I was talking about nothing and I was talking about raves too much.
I don't know.
Do you think it would have been a better call if you talked about something horribly depressing. Maybe I don't think so. No, No, I think this was a good call. I enjoy I enjoyed having this conversation. I felt very present and engaged the entire time. Beautiful, did you.
Yes, I've just been really nervous this whole time.
You sound super chill.
Listen. I'm really good at faking it. Thank you?
Well? Is there anything else you wanted to I'm sorry I couldn't help you with your debt in any better way. I feel like this. I've said this up three times. I say this on every podcast, but I feel like I'm becoming the Dave Ramsey Show, where like I'm like, all right, let's look at your budget. You know, let's let's that's all in the books here. But we don't do that.
I just I just go with the flow. Everything's for the plot. I'll be fine.
I think you will too, Willow. Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
I mean, if you're gonna folk around, you're gonna find out.
Words if you If you understand one thing, uh, it should probably be that. I suppose tell ya take care well. Thank you?
For calling y bye.
Oh I'm gonna make my own form of e DM. I'm gonna call it g DM Gecko Dance Music, and it's just gonna be a bunch of lizard clicks. Someone make that a beat.
Hi.
Hi, what's your name? My name is Donata, Donada, what's up to Nada? I'm not going to make the joke, thank you.
You already made it in Seattle when I was up on stage at your shoes.
Wait, you were up, but you were on stage at my show?
Yeah, in Seattle, Like I think that was last year.
Oh shit, I made the joke.
Yeah you did.
What did I say?
You were like, oh, that's like you're welcome in Spanish or something like that. I get it a bunch of times.
Yeah, sorry, that was stupid. Why what did we talk about on stage?
I experienced U sober ego death, just realizing I was the problem. I don't know if you remember that at all.
Was that this past year or was that twenty twenty two?
I honestly don't remember. Time is time is strange.
Time is strange. Well, I guess if I don't remember, that means that means you're new to me. So good. Nice to see you again or meet you? Yeah again. Nice to nice to hear from people.
Yeah, well you talk to a lot of people.
So yeah, well Donada, what's up. What do you want to talk about today?
I wanted to talk about dying.
Yeah, tell me more.
Like lately, I've just been like trying to make the most of my life, you know, making all the connections that I need, And lately I've been pretty satisfied, and I've just thought to myself, like I can keep going
like this, and I think I'll be pretty alright times. Look, it's tough, but like eventually, I think I just want to like I feel like at one point I'll just be like done doing everything that I want to do and I'll just want to like die on my own terms because like i'd rather do that if I live, like to be eighty or something rather than you know, Diahrisic death.
Interesting. So you're okay, So you're telling me you want to do everything you want to. You have this like list of everything that you want to do, and you're going to do it, and then you're gonna be like you know and not in like, oh I want to I'm so sad. I want to kill myself way, but in like you know what, like in the way that they ended the office, they were like, we did twelve fourteen whatever, how many seasons? You know, every every great
show has to have a series finale. Let's check out like that that kind that kind of thing.
Yeah, I like Saws documentary of this French woman who just like ethanized herself at the age of like seventy something. She's like, I lived my life, I did everything that I wanted to do, and she died listening to her favorite records, rounded by her family and people she loved. And I thought that was kind of nice actually, like I'd rather go that way than get hit by a car something like that.
Oh so, I mean, are you well, how old are you now?
I'm twenty five.
Okay, you're twenty five. You're already thinking about I mean, Jesus how much? When When would you do this?
I don't know, maybe when I'm eighty.
Oh you know what, I think at eighty years old, you should definitely be allowed to kill yourself.
Yeah, because like I'm chronically ill, Like I don't even know falsey eighty, but like I have a chronic illness, and it's like i'd rather, I'd rather pass peacefully surrounded by people. I love listening to music, I like, you know, eating good food, rather than you know, like slowly with or away and be shitting myself forever until I'm like ninety five, you.
Know, kind of why are you why? I'm curious, why do you? Why are you thinking about this so much? If it's so far away?
I mean, just thinking about death makes me think about the things that I actually care about and want to do. Like I'm kind of working backwards here, if that makes sense.
Yeah, it's it's uh it, what is it? It's it's memento moriy you know what that means. I've heard of it, but no, I think it's Latin or some ship. And it's like remember remembering death every day. Every day you remember that you're going to die, and it boot it beefs you up to want to do ship, you know.
Yeah, Like I was listening to your rant and I thought like, yeah, life is fickle and you do have some agency over it, so like, might as well go do the ship that you want to do before you get hit by a car or something or you know, because you could die any.
More any moment. You could die at any moment, and it doesn't. It won't even be fair, you know what I mean. There's no such thing. There's no central arbiter of the universe making sure that everything is fair and cool and good. There is just randomness and chaos. There's no God. Maybe I don't know, but yeah, it's all crazy. It's just all craziness. What do you want to do.
I'm planning on moving into a van and you know, going across the US and just seeing all the national parks, go on backpacking trips around the US when I'm at it, and then maybe someday go to Europe, and then I'll
travel to Asia. I specifically want to go to Vietnam because I have family there, you know, travel see the world, meet people, and then if I get too old or if my body doesn't let me, I'll probably like buy some land, maybe do some sort of homestead thing, and then I'll have whenever I choose to, like when I'm eighty or something, I'll pass away peacefully surrounded by every when I love.
That sounds great. That's the best life plan I've ever heard from. Somebody who started a call talking about how they want to kill themselves, I think, yeah, that's great. I so you want to travel everywhere you want to? You're a you got the travel bug?
Yeah, like, oh, go ahead, No, I think I talk about this ship way too much.
But I'd love to go to Vietnam one day.
Really.
Yeah, I've always thought about I've never I've never been, but I've never been. But I want to retire there because I've heard you can, like you can just live there off of like a thousand dollars a month. That's probably not true, but that's what I heard.
I don't know. I don't know how the true true that is today, but like I know, the food's really good. I want to eat all the food.
You were asking me something and I talked.
To you, Oh would you ever do the gecko thing in Vietnam?
Fuck? Yeah, I do the gecko thing in Vietnam everywhere I for the rest of my life, everywhere I go, I'm gonna do the gecko thing easy.
That's awesome.
I mean it's a great way to see places and do stuff. Yeah, so how do you want to do that? You want to do it? Like a it we thinking like a shot. We think and like, OK, so it is that legal? Is it? Lee? Can you go to a I've heard of the death doctor, you know.
I I honestly don't know. I haven't thought about it that much. But like I think they just like do it through like ivy and you kind of like slowly fade out. I think that's how I'd like to do it.
Mm hmm. You know, normally i'd say it's not healthy to think about how you're going to kill yourself when you're eighty, but I understand the impetus behind it, because it gets you fired up to want to do stuff. Like it's a weirdly motivating factor.
Yeah, Because like I used to be in a position where you know, I didn't find that life was worth living. But like you know, I was able to make a lot out of these past few years, Like I have a really loving, supporting partner, and I've you know, made like a life for myself, and I feel like I have a pretty good relationship with my family now. And it's just like you know, I got I've made the most of this and I just want to keep going.
But it's like I don't want to. I don't want to end my Like I don't want my life ending where I'm in a place of despair.
You know, do you how do you feel now? Do you feel despair or do you feel whatever? The opposite of that word is.
Happy. Yeah, I'm pretty satisfied.
What advice do you have for people who feel like who are in a pit of despair? What would you tell them?
Like?
It does get better? Like the thing about feelings is that they're only really temporary. And when you deny yourself the ability to feel the feelings that you are feeling right now, genuinely and deeply and holy, you're only gonna like extend the suffering. You know. Just embrace how you're feeling right now. Try to push away the shame in the guilt or whatever you may have.
You know, it's like holding in diarrhea.
Exactly. You're gonna.
Well, Donada, is there anything you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
Drink water and go for a walk. If you're feeling if you're feeling down, that's it.
Thanks to Nada, By bye. Sometimes you just got to do it, man, Sometimes you just got a diarrhea out of your eyes. It's good to cry. I mean, I don't think it's good to know, it's I mean, it's good to cry sometimes. I think, if you're crying every single day, I was doing that for a while. Can I say that on the podcast. I'm gonna say it. I was doing that for maybe not every single day, was crying a lot, try to cry less. I think it's good. I think it's good. I'm I'm happy that
I have done it, you know what I mean. Anytime anything shitty happens, like you know, like a week of crying or whatever, it's good because now every time, because I know in the future life will I'll have so many more moments where life is sick, you know, And then every time life is sick, I can go, hey, I remember I was crying and I thought life was bad for gonna be bad forever. But look right now, life is sick and this and life has life is
sick further along in the timeline than life. So I have that as proof now, So next time I'm crying and life sucks, I can think, well, all right, I life sucked before and then got better, so that's so it'll get better again. But then it'll also suck again because I have that data too, And you go through that cycle of life sucking and then being awesome and then sucking again, and then you and then you you you you die. So I hope that's motivating.
Goes on the line, taking your phone calls every nine every beacon goes to it and die. He's teaching your cloud and the memory life.
He's not ready an expert