Hi, what's your name?
I'm Crash.
What's your name?
You're crash?
Yeah, like crashing a car? Well it was a motorcycle.
But yeah, you don't have to tell me what your real name is. But is that your real name?
No, it's not, but it's what I go by. It's my road name.
It's your road name. I feel like Crash is an unfortunate road name to have, because nobody on the road wants to crash.
Right, Well, that's how I got the road name.
Lyle Uh, did you crash into something?
I totld? My brand new motorcycle is a Harley. I had it for three days. Man, So sad?
Are you a motorcycle driver?
Now?
Do you still drive motorcycles?
I haven't been able to get a new one. I don't know if you know this. The motorcycles are at least like ten dollars and I can't really save that kind of money in this economy.
You there at least at least Okay, what's the most amount of money they are?
I don't know.
So, Crash, while, what's up with you? Is there any particular thing that you called in to talk about? Yeah?
I just kind of wanted to rant a little about my dissociative amnesia because people don't understand, like in my life, and I wanted to just talk to a third party who doesn't know me.
What is dissociative amnesia.
So the best I understand it is like something traumatic happens to you and you just end up like dissociating through your whole life. So the older you get, the less you remember. In my case, I remember like six months to a year before today, and I get little flashes of my memory here and there, but I don't
really remember jack shit. And then like also depersonalization, derealization, like imagine feeling like genuinely feeling like you're living in a simulation, and any memories you have or like distant dreams. It's kind of like that.
It says here that you have no memory of your life before a year ago. Is that true?
Yeah?
So I'll just get like little flashes of memories here and there, but like I said, they just kind of feel like dreams. They don't feel like my memories. But mostly I only remember things from like before a year ago.
Interesting, so you only have a year's worth of memory.
Pretty much. Yeah, Like I'll give you an example that I told Tim, and which shout out to Tim, He's amazing. But basically, I looked at a picture that I took a polaroid and it had me and like three of my friends we were at the fair. Uh. And one of the front that I supposedly had I don't recognize at all. I don't remember going to the fair. I don't remember ever having a polaroid camera at that time. It was very weird. It's like I was looking at some like like I said, simulation shit, you know mm.
And so I mean, what about like your relationships, How has this affected your relationships? Do you do you have friends? Do you have family? And if so, do you what do you remember about them?
Yeah, well, I there's a few exes who I don't remember, but like my family will ask about them and I don't really recall. I do have family, and I remember all my family because I talk to them like all the time. To make sure that I can remember, I really actively every day have to like do things to keep my memory sharp for things that are import in as far as my relationship goes, I do have a boyfriend h and he doesn't really get it. He doesn't understand.
So like I'll dissociate and he'll just be talking to me, and I'll notice he's talking, but I'm not like actually hearing what he's saying. I'll be like what, and he gets mad, But I love him anyway. But yeah, as far as that goes, I just my memory, like long term is gone, and my short term memory sucks too. But I try every day to remember to you know, utilize things that I have to remember what I can, like calendar events, alarms, et cetera.
And what aspects of your life in particular do you think of are the most affected by this?
Oh jeez, I don't know. That's a great question.
It's not like the memory aspect that affects me the most, but the dissociation, because like I had dissociated my whole life, and I continue to dissociate every day. So I'll just like be on total autopilot. That's kind of how I describe it as just autopilot. I'll be driving. I drive
for a living, I work for your mamate. It's a lot of driving, and I'll just go from you know, point A to point B, and that could be like a fifteen minute drive and I'll be leaving the store and all of a sudden, I'll be at the next like, and I just don't recall any of the drive. Yeah, so that it affects me on a daily basis like that, but also you know, feeling like I'm in a simulation and stuff like that.
So, you know, I asked you about your relationships, and you you told me about you know, your boyfriend. But what about your friends? Are they like? Like? Because I assume that at the time, I assume that you have friends in your life that you have had for perhaps over a year. How what have those relationships been like? How have they been affected?
So that is an interesting assumption to say I have friends. I do have one friend that I've had since like twenty sixteen, and because we still talk on a semi regular basis, I am able to remember her obviously, But as far as things that we did when we first became friends or people that we invited into our inner circle,
none of that really comes to mind at all. I don't remember much of anything, which really sucks, because there's a lot of really really great things that we've done together that Sh'll described to me, and it's just it's just gone.
When you're being described memories of yourself by people that you're close to, is any part of you almost re experiencing them in a way.
Only when I am looking at pictures and videos of things that I did, I am able to somewhat relive it. I have that to be true. Like I have videos, like she was telling me about this cool concert we went to, and I have a video of it, but it's only really able to remember any of it when I watched the video, And that's only the video part that I was able to remember, because it was obviously a memory memory. But to me, it doesn't feel like
a memory. It feels like I'm just watching it, and it's almost like a sense of deja vus, Like obviously I know I've been there, but I don't remember being there.
So I want to know with with you, your personality, your hobbies, your interests, the you know, these things that take many years to develop. Like do you do you find yourself having to recreate yourself in a way?
Well, I don't think so. I feel like, you know, we're we're always changing, you know, we're always changing people, so it of course I'm not going to be like the same person that I was, And I feel like I can't just contribute that to the aminsia. But I do find myself like doing a lot more things that I wouldn't have normally done. I do find myself acting in certain ways that I probably wouldn't otherwise.
Just because of.
This, can I hear what those ways that you act that you believe you and' otherwise are well?
I Since the diagnosis, I've tended to try to be more optimistic and friendly to people and kind because I have a lot of people who approach me quite often. I wouldn't say quite daily basis, but often like at least a few times a week, and I won't recognize them, but they'll say, you know, hey, we went to school for seven years together and we were in and one time we went on a field trip and I won't
remember them. And then there will be, you know, another person who And this is when I first realized that I had a problem in my brain. Someone told me, yeah, I mean you were like the biggest like middle school bully to me, like you were awful, and you know you're just a yeah apparently, and just telling me how much of a piece of shit I was in middle school, which kids suck. We're all pieces of shit as kid.
But since then, I really try to lead with as much kindness and respect as I can because I don't want to keep running into those instances where people will approach me and be like, hey, you're a piece of shit and I won't even know who they are.
Is that I mean? I mean? Is that true? Is is I The phenomenon in general of you being approached by people who are from your past that you don't recognize but that know you is an interesting one. But is it? Is it really true that you're finding a majority of those interactions to be negative?
Oh?
No, not the majority to be negative by any means. But I feel like one is too many, you know what I mean? I feel like one person approaching me like that is too many. And I've only had two people approach me like that, but that's still too many to me, And I feel like that means I should be changing as a person, and so I try to, you know, lead with kindness nowadays and try to really be the best person that I can be, even if I don't remember it in the future.
Interesting, do you do you know if this I guess year lag of memory? Do you know I assume you've talked to you do. You do a lot of work with like psychologists and doctors about all this stuff.
Unfortunately, the healthcare where I live is really really bad. I got this diagnosis, amongst others, from my therapist, my real therapist that I used to have, and but she can't really like put it on ten and paper. I have to see an actual neurologists for this one because it's so severe. And when I made the appointment a month ago, the neurologist said that the next opening is
March thirteenth of next year. So in order to get any treatment or anything or you know, a pen and paper or sorry, like a hard copy of this diagnosis, I'm gonna have to wait till March.
Do you know it all from anything that anyone has told you or from the highly reliable Internet, whether or not you you believe this will will persist as you continue? Like you know? Will will? You do you know if you'll be able to remember a year ago a year from now.
Well, I'm actively trying to find ways to not dissociate every day, but it's a lot harder than it sounds. And having no memory, the amnesia, it takes no energy. What takes the energy is trying to remember. But I'm in this phase where I'm done trying to remember and I'm just trying to accept you know that I just will never remember again. Those are lost memories. So it's I don't know. I try to find ways to make it so I'm not dissociating. But it's a lot harder than it sounds.
When you say you're trying to find ways not to disassociate. What are those ways?
So I'll try to, like, like, honestly, lately, what's been helping me stay in the present moment while I'm like driving, for example, is I'm listening to your podcast Therapy Get Goo. That's been really helping keeping me in the present, just always having something going that I can relate memories to. So I'll be listening to your podcast or whatever podcast while I'm driving, or while i'm working, while I'm playing Minecraft, like fucking anything, and I try to keep things on.
So if I can tie memories together, I've found that that helps me remember at least one of the things. If I could tie memories together.
And has this been effective for you at all? I know you're saying that it's hard, and I'm sure it's very hard. You're fighting actively against you know, something going on with you rologically that you haven't even had the opportunity to really, really, you know, work on in a professional way. Has has has your your technique's been effective at all for you and helping you not just associate.
I feel like I don't have the answer to that at this point in time, because I've only been trying this for the last week. So I feel like I'm gonna have to EXPERI a minute, a little longer until I can really know for sure if it's being effective. I mean, for example, like I think it was Sunday, Yeah, the Sunday. I was listening to your podcast all day, and I remember actually quite a bit of Sunday versus like, oh god, I don't even know what I did yesterday.
Like my short term memory is just as bad as my long term, but it's not as severe because one little idea, I can bring back all my memories from the other day, so it's not a big deal. But I think I think it is effective so far.
What do you hope for the future, Crash.
I'm just hoping to keep making really good memories, whether I remember them or not, because I still want to live in the present. I don't know how long I have, you know, between you and me, and I haven't really told too many people. But I'm getting screened for cancer next week, and you know I'm young, and so that's I'm trying to really live my best life and remember what I can while I can.
Yeah, what kind of memories are you? Are you hoping to make?
Well?
I would really love to travel.
I would love to travel and see everything I can. You know, I've I've seen the Grand Canyon, I've seen Niagara Falls. I've seen a lot of really beautiful things. But I want to see more. I want to go to more shows, like I'm going to Aftershock.
Uh what do they do? Are they em next weekend?
Oh? No, I am going to an M show? To you know, Aftershock is like that rock and metal show like Kiss or playing my Chemical Romance Emo Ship.
Okay, I thought it was the guy.
And then I'm going to another festival.
Do you know who I'm talking about?
No, I don't.
I don't want somebody somebody somebody knows what I'm I'm talking about. I'm sorry interrupt you. So you're going to a metal show, an E D M show? And then what other kind of show.
Uh so, yeah, that that metal festival is like a three day festival. And then I'm going to this one called Second Sky. It's this d M artist Porter Robinson. It's a that that'll be fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I just found out.
Yeah please.
So I'm sure you heard about that song of that one guy fucked this girl too for two years see bat By Hudson Mohawks.
Why have I have not heard of that at all?
Oh my god? It was a huge, a huge thing. Anyway, so this huge thing. I'm going to be seeing it live. He's playing at that freakin' show, So I'm excited for that anyway. So what were you gonna ask?
He had sex with someone for two whole years while playing that song?
Yes, and it's a terrible song. I recommend listening to it so you could get the full picture.
Okay, I'll check that out. Fuck what was I going to say?
Oh?
Yes, I remember, I was going to ask you, you know has has this amnique? Because it sounds like you you're you're making a lot of plans to go out and do a lot of things to really make a lot of of of the moment of the time that you have I mean, all of us, everyone alive, no one really really has any idea how much time they have. I'm wondering, I'm, you know, has the fuck I guess I don't know if you will be able to answer
this smart asket anyway. Do you think that this whole thing has kicked you into some kind of a gear of trying to do more with yourself? I guess I'm thinking I don't know if you have that much of a handle of you know, how you lived your life, you know, in the past. I don't know if you have an idea of that based off what other people have told you. But do you think that something about all of this has inspired you to want to go do more?
In a way? Probably? I mean, there's a lot of different things in going on in my life that has kind of kicked me into doing this kind of stuff. But I have always been if I know anything about myself, I've always been super adventurous, real seeking. I'm a wanderlust like I want to do any and everything I can, and I've just always kind of been like that. But now that I know I may or may not remember it, I guess I am trying to do it a little more as much as I can.
Interesting. It's an interesting thing. You're a person who lives very much for adventures and experiences. I get that on a similar way, and yet you're not sure if you'll even be able to remember them, and so you really, truly are almost almost against your will living in the moment. Truly, the only way that you can even experience something is right as you're experiencing it. It's not I mean, there's the anticipatory thing, but there there's not a memory. It's
just right there, right now, as you're doing it. That's interesting exactly.
And the worst part is too, is like I've been real lot of shows I have, like memories pop up on my Snapchat or my Facebook or whatever, you know, those dang tweety apps that the kids use, but I don't have memories of them. And the thing that I used to do with all these shows is I would turn my phone off and put it away. I've never been one to record the shows or take pictures because
I wanted to live in the moment. And I'm kind of kicking myself for that now because I don't have the videos or pictures of the show or you know, many with people that I've seen because I was too busy living in the moment, and now I can't remember any of it.
Well, you know, Crash, listen, I hope that you have many more adventures where you're able to live in the moment. And it's funny you bring that up as a thing you're lamenting, because I almost feel like a lot of people experience the opposites where it's like they actually spent most of the concert trying to record it and never actually looked up and saw the band with their eyes.
I try to do. I try to just I fucking take a little picture just so I remember it, and then I put it away and I try to live in in the in the thing, and I sway around and whatnot.
That's what I'm practicing right now. To my last two shows I went to, I recorded like the very beginning of everything that was going on, and then I put my phone away and I enjoyed the rest of it. And that's served me well so far.
Well, Crash, thanks for sharing all of this stuff. This was very interesting. I hope that I'm really I'm impressed. I'm glad to hear that you still have a very adventurous spirit and and a lot of desires and hopes for the future in light of you know, all the stuff that you you know is going on with you, and I hope you're able to you know, cross off
the the various experiences on your list. Is there anything else that you want to say to the people that can or any other aspect of anything that you feel like we didn't get to, or any any final comments, thoughts, feelings before we before we go.
I don't know, like part of me wants to say, Hey, live in the moment and just really enjoy what's going on in the present. But who knows if you get memory issues later on and you regret it, so I feel like it's not very good advice.
Well, this is an interesting thing that we're talking about, of like some finding a balance between living in the thing and documenting the thing. I think a lot of people try to struggle that balance, you know, struggle with that balance, but I think I think it exists a proper amount of.
Each I'll look for that balance for you while I'll let you know.
Thank you very much for calling cash.
Yeah, thank you, I'll see you later.
Take care. That was interesting. I like to that call, trying to think what I feel like I learned from it very interesting predicament her like finding out things about herself retroactively, retroactively from like her parents and people she meets in her town about you know, her ex boyfriends or how she was in middle school or any of that stuff. I would have try. I would like have trouble, you know, because I don't know some guy I met outside of a grocery store telling me that I was
an asshole in middle school. And I wouldn't even believe that person, you know, what credibility do they even have? But yeah, I like that she still had this this thirst for adventure and experiences and no, you know this this like I noticed in her, like a lamentation. Is that a word lament a tation of lament lamentation. I think that's a word, a lamentation of memories lost, but not in such a way where she's sitting around, you know, so upset about the lost memories that she's debilitated from
making future ones. And that that that's what I like about her and what I like about that story. And I hope she takes many cool concert videos and pictures and whatnot in the future and then puts her phone down and looks at stuff.
Hello, Hey, is this wild?
Yeah? Who is this?
This is Michael.
Michael. How's it going, man?
Not much I'm doing. I'm doing all right. Yeah.
How are you? I'm good? What's uh? How can I get you?
Uh?
Yes?
So I had this acid trip with some friends, maybe like five or six years ago, and ever since then, like I just have this thought in the back of my head that like reality isn't real because like, sorry, I gotta tell you the story with what happened. So to of my friends, we decided to do acid in his parents' house basement and they were off in another country. So we did it, and my friend he kind of kind of pushed me to take two tabs instead of
just one. And I have a very low tolerance for drugs, but I just did it because I wasn't like I don't know anything about it. So we did it, and like my mind is going like a mile a minute. I'm like, we're watching like Neil de grass Tyson or whatever, and I'm thinking, like I'm solving all the problems of
the universe. And so I'm basically talking a lot and my friends are like, hey, Michael, like we just chill when we do this, So the vibe was offered me there, so I basically stopped talking and then I.
Was like, all right, so so you're telling me you're hot, you're stoned on acid? Can you be stoned on acid? Who goes? So you're high on acid and you're talking and then your friend says to you, you know, Michael, we usually just chill when we do this.
Yeah it was not. I mean they were on acid too, but it definitely did not give me a good vine.
Yeah, yeah too, Okay continue.
So then so then I ended up just like talking to myself for a while because as I was like coming up, I was like trying to not forget who I was. So I was just renaming people in my life over and over again. And then you know, I I had the whole ass experience where like it was crazy. I saw the universe be born, and I lived through all that. I had all the answers, and then like
then I started coming down. And when I was coming down, I was like I would wake up in that basement and then like I was like, all right, I have to get out of this or else I'm never going to be myself again. So it's like, I gotta get out of this basement, so I would. I did it maybe a hundred times. There was just more thoughts of me leaving the basement and doing like crazier and crazier things each time, Like one time I went outside to a glass at a house, which is what was all
my imagination or whatever. One time I got in my car and I drove into a tree. But then I would always just wake up back in the in the basement. But then finally after all these times like escaping, like when I was actually coming down and like got up and my friends, who were also tripping on acid, like we're like, I was like, I got to get out of his basement. They're like, Michael, no, we got to stay down because he had like his aunt and uncle upstairs.
And they were like, no, we got to stay down here because we're on drugs and they'd be weird. And so then I ended up actually like wrestling them and I punched one of them in the jaw, and then and then I sprinted upstairs, and like they followed me, not knowing what to do, and so like I went into the kitchen and the aunt was there, and I was like trying to act on normal, trying to figure out if this reality was the real one. So I I go grab a glass to fill with the water,
and she's like, oh, what are you guys doing. We're just watching movies. And I go stand behind her and I just look at her for a second, look at my friends, and then I actually just smacked the shit out of her from behind her. And that ended up your friends? Yeah, No, it was one of my friends, the guy's house. We were at his like aunts.
Was there his aunt?
So?
Yeah, you so you smacked your friend's aunt.
Yeah.
Was she on acid?
No?
No, they had no idea that we were dripping in the basement.
Okay, how did she or how did she react to that?
While she just turned around started screaming and crying. And then like my two friends were just in shock, and my the the guy's uncle like came over and he was like high as fuck on weed. They didn't really do anything, and yeah, my friends drove me home. Oh and before in the story, I had like called my parents, who were like very anti drugs, and told them like everything. I was like, Oh, I'm at an acid I need
you to pick me up. I started like saying things in my life were alive that weren't like and then yeah, ever since then, Like, I don't know, it got better over time, but I just always had that feeling that that, like, I don't know, sometimes the matrix will break and somebody will like casually mention how or not. It feels like since that happened, people would like casually mentioned that this isn't reality out of context completely that I'm.
Just like Michael, really Michael, Yeah, all right, so this this whole changed relationship with reality. Was there any seed of this before you took the acid?
No, not at all.
Okay, And now, on a day to day basis, do you feel different than you did on a day to day basis before you took the acid.
I mean at first I did, uh, like all the time, but as time went on, I kind of it kind of stopped, I guess, But It's always been there in the back of my head, and I'd like, like.
With reality now, uh, I don't know.
I just like I don't. I mean, I'm gonna keep living it because it's the only thing I got now, but I'm just not totally convinced that it's it's real.
You're not totally convinced that your reality is real? Yeah, okay, what tell me this? What what does real mean? Are you? Are you insinuating that what you are experiencing that are you?
Are you?
Are you insinuating that there was actually something else that is more real than what you are experiencing right now? Yeah?
Well, I'm I'm basically saying that what if I was still caught in one of those thought loops that I, like, I just never left that basement or I died or something, and that my brain is still just short circuiting. And I'm look at that like there's an episode of Rick and Morty with a guy I can live through a whole life and in a video game you're talking about.
I brought that. I literally brought that up in conversation yesterday as an example for something. And yeah that nobody knew what I was talking about. But anyway, anyway, anyway, anyway, okay, if I told you that that is not the case and that you are real, would you believe me?
I mean, I'm like pretty convinced that it's real because I couldn't feel it feels like I couldn't be going on this law. I mean, that trip was like I lived through like all of space and time. In that trip, I get fucked with my head. But like so I'm like mostly convinced it is. And it's not like I'm thinking about this all day every day.
I just like, every once in a while, well listen, yeah, look everyonce look, well most people every once in a while, and for some people every once in a while is about once every five years. They they do look at themselves and go, is this fucking real? I think that's just yeah, experience.
I think so too. But when yeah, well when, but it feels like ever since that happened. You know, when you like hear a word for the first time and then you keep hearing that word. They can like, yeah, yeah, it feels like ever since then. I've just it's been coming up a lot more or like some I don't know, especially with what's kind of going on today in the world. It's just all kind of like did I is this
just my brain making stuff up? But then I think, like I'm talking to a get go on the phone, like how could my brain make that up?
You are I'm gonna say two things. Thing. Number One, if you what's your name, Michael, Michael, If you're truly, truly wrestling with reality in a way that is detrimental to your mental health. You should go see a psychiatrist.
Yeah, I am, I don't. I don't think I've ever mentioned this to them, though.
You didn't, you haven't mentioned this to them?
No, I mean looking.
About it then, and mostly I.
Have like other mental problems, like with anxiety and stuff and sometimes depressions, So I it's just't something that I'm really focused on, like because if it's if it ends up not being real, what am.
I supposed to do about it?
And then you know, Michael, I don't you know. I'm not going to try to coach you too much on this because you're talking to a professional and you should continue to talk to the professional. But if you have a history of mental illnesses, I have heard anecdotally that uh uh LSD can heighten or awaken certain pre existing mental illnesses.
You know, I definitely feel like that like trigger. I mean I've always had social anxiety, but like, yeah, that definitely hypened it up a lot, like which has gotten better and the help I'm getting is really like us has changed my life. But if that's one thing, Teller, Yeah, the people on the computers that like if you need help, go get it, because there's always something you could do.
Michael Man, thank you for calling. And you know, look, whether or not reality is real, which it is, Okay, I think I am a big gecko on the computer, so don't take my word for anything. But whether or not it is real, I hope it is good for.
You, all Right.
I appreciate that. Yeah, I'm basically like just thinking, even if it's not real, I'm just gonna live my best life.
You know, it's my experience strategy. I think that's a good strategy. Thank you for calling, Michael.
Yeah, thank you very much. Good talking to you.
Hello. Hello, Hello, Hi is this Tasha?
It is?
What's going on with you? Dude? Hey?
Oh gosh. That basically I am trying to figure out how its to be a more honest person in life and be more open and connect with people better. But I'm having trouble partly because my truth or like my reality of my life is pretty fucking weird and not something I necessarily want to share with strangers and like associates and stuff. So I'm trying to like figure out and I could really use some perspective on like, how are you supposed to be honest without like oversharing kind of thing.
Okay, are you can I read what the call? Can I read what the call screener put down? And I don't know if this is the thing that you're trying not to say, but you did tell the call screener it, so I'll just I'll say it. It says here that you moved across the country from Wisconsin because your domb suggested that you do.
So yes, well too Wisconsin. So okay, Yeah, we met online just like gaming, and we were friends for a long time and both into BDSM and eventually after a couple of years ended up meeting and kind of developing
more of a actual like domb sub relationship. And he kind of gives me a lot of great life advice that has been constructive, and you know, at one point he suggested I can move out here because I really like in my old life, I was very isolated, very unhappy, working from home, didn't have any friends, didn't go out, and like, you know, basically he was like, well, you can come here and you know, I'll kind of, like I don't know, be there for you and you can
do X, Y and Z, like just kind of life suggestions, not like borders like you have to move here.
Sorry, I'm no, no, no, I want to get a handle the situation. Or so you how long were you talking about this guy before you did? Did he was he like come move in with me? Or he's just like it's it's it's very interesting, like the the the casual nature of everything. That's what I'm trying to hit. Well, No, I don't think I look in this big, crazy fucking world. I don't think anything is all that weird.
I don't like we kind of want to like be there for each other without being like, let me put it to you this way, like you can think of it as like none of us wants to be in a really alone and like celibate, So you know, we're like, uh b.
F f w B.
I you know it's you're saying it's weird, but I I really actually believe that, Uh, the two people who have the exact same level of desire of commitment running into each other and having that much commitment, it's just as beautiful to me as you know, somebody falling in love and having ten kids and living happily ever after. That is a beautiful thing. When two people of similar levels of desire for commitment meet each other and do their fucking whatever thing. So glad to hear that that
seems to be working out for you. So are you, well, okay, are you living with this guy or you just moved to the same city as him.
So I moved to a nearby city and kind of like we talked about it a lot and kind of like gamed it out, and like, potentially we could eventually move in together. It wouldn't be for like over a year. Could I just find a leap? But that's kind of like we kind of agreed that you shouldn't ever move in with somebody unless you've at least been together a year. So if we still wanted to that, you know, a year from now, we might think about it. But that's
kind of like that's not the plan or anything. It's more like, you know, here's nearby and we can hang out more. I mean obviously, like we were doing a lot of visits and that sh it's expensive, but also I just needed a place to go. I wasn't happy in my own city.
But and like, can I hear real quick? Yeah, well, here go ahead. What we're gonna say, was it gonna be it should be a big deal.
I spired, shouldn't be a big deal. But like I'm I just moved here, and like I just you know, started a job, and like everybody I meet is like wants to know everything about me and like what are you doing here?
I can move here?
And it's like I feel so intimided, Like I'm happy with my choices, but I don't know what to say to people without being without feeling like I'm being say for.
Like lying interesting, interesting. Well, it's funny because I have all the same questions for you because we have been talking for about five minutes and I still feel like I don't know anything about you.
Right, Well, that makes two of us. I feel the same way about.
Miss and you know what, I think that's an okay place to be. I think it's a very interesting and wonderful place to be. Well, can I ask you, okay, where did you move from? You moved to Wisconsin. Where'd you go? Where'd you move from Denver? Denver? Tell me just baseline. You don't have to get too into it, but base baseline, what was life like for you in Denver?
Well, so I moved to Denver with my ex husband, and so that whole scenario basically like he is still in rehab from when we sile up two years ago, let's put it that way, which yes, that was about the same time that but you know, he's just he's got substance abuse issues and our time started with a lot of substance youth partying and that kind of thing, and it turned into just chaos and just trying to
scrape by to survive. And then you know, when he went into rehab and we kind of separated, just me kind of like finding that I had become isolated, didn't really have connections except for people who are not really beneficial to my life. And then COVID hit, and you know, became even more isolated, and that was like, oh shit, like I don't have any support here, you know, and
I just became more and more miserable. And that was where the guy came along, and we knew each other and he really helped me dig myself out of the hole. I don't feel like he did it. I just feel like he helped me do it, you know, which is why I think I trust the dynamic because I don't feel dependent on him, but I feel like he's a really good support for me to figure this shit out for myself.
Sure, yeah, you do have a It sounds like a a. You did not phrase this to me as like, Oh, I moved to Wisconsin for this guy. But I talked to this guy and he brought up moving to Wisconsin, and I did it. And it sounds like if he disappeared tomorrow, you would be bummed, but your entire life would not fall apart.
Yeah, and I made that. Okay, so here, I don't know if the screen or caught this, but I made the decision to have it be that way very intentionally because this guy is seventeen years younger than me. So yeah, I feel like a responsibility. I know, I feel responsibility not to like impose my like I don't know if I let myself fall apart if things go back with him,
that's compare to him, you know what I mean. I don't want to put pressure on the relationship where he just needs to, like, you know, have fun and be young, drink pepsi relationships interesting.
Okay, So, so so you're now in Wisconsin, you have a job. What what's what is next for you here?
Yeah?
What are you trying to build?
I don't know, right, I have no fucking idea. I mean, yeah, I don't know. And that's where I'm kind of like I keep coming to like these conclusions and epiciones from like, you know, you know, you don't need to figure it out out in a day, like just to move on with your life. But part of the problem that I had before it was being so isolated. And again, I don't want to put all the pressure on this guy.
I need like other people in my life and other sources of support and shit, and I just don't have that. And I kind of feel like I'm not going to get that if I'm just like having these really superficial connections,
you know, where I like can't be even honest. But I also feel like I don't know how do you like even I could go into like the BDSM scene and talk to people there, you know, but like that's surprisingly difficult to find too, and like there's not a lot of events in that scene right now, especially in the Midwest.
You're looking, you're you you're looking to build a sense of community.
Yeah, I'm just like, I don't even know something like that tribe mm hmm.
There's a lot of different ways to do. I mean, I don't know a lot personally about the BDSM life, but it sounds like there is community out there and that I mean, are we just dealing with like a sort of the problem of like how do I make friends as an adult?
I mean that's a big part of it. But like I know, I know that is like you just got to do ship, right, you know. Part of part of that is like I don't have hobbies. I don't have like I have a lot of interest that are fleeving, but I don't have a passion or like one thing that I'm really into, which I'm okay with that. I don't feel like I need to like manufacture something.
Yeah, right, but you don't. But you do seem like I am searching here for a word of what I'm trying to say. You seem like you have maybe it is a curiosity or a sense of adventure, because you're you're clearly searching, because you you left your life behind at Denver and you went to Wisconsin in search, not necessarily even knowing what of but just in search. And so now you're in Wisconsin and I feel like you have this search burning within you just keep following it, right,
like where else? What? What? What else is there to explore where you are? Where you could find yourself somewhere interesting? Is it more into the medsm community? Is it? Do we fucking start a band? Do we open an arts and craft store?
Like?
What what do we do?
Is?
You're in it. You're in a very interesting position, and you have a very interesting personality for it, at least you know. I mean I don't know you, uh, you know, back and forth from a ten minute phone call, but just from what you're giving off, That's what I'm feeling.
Yeah, And like I feel like the whole another part with my previous relationship when I came out of that, like I literally was like going through a nervous breakdown. And I feel like ever since that relationship ended, some kind of part of who I was is like broken and like I can't get back to it. And like I'm kind of okay with that, Like I'm not like desperate to get that part of me back. I'm like let it go. But like music that I used to love have has no impact on me.
Anymore, And like what what is it? Can can I what is this part of you? What? What would you describe it as?
I think it was like way more idealistic and naive and like I don't know, innocent, you know, like I used to love poetry and folk music and I don't know, like I still can appreciate it, but I just don't have that love for it anymore and just way more gonna go.
Now and at this point in your life, and you could take a second to think about it, what do you have a love for?
Yeah, like very little, Yeah I'm very little, which I don't know, and like stuff like I used to have all these places I wanted to travel and now or even like where I would want to move Like it was very much like if anybody had come along and them like, oh, you shouldn't move here because that's Y and Z, I'd be like, aren't fine, you know, because like I just don't have any like full this song pul to with anything, and like maybe I just need to bump around for a while to like go where
the winds may take me.
Yeah, I guess I don't know. You're in a very interesting situation. This has been. This made me think a lot here. I guess as long as you don't stop searching, the potential every day exists for you. To find that thing that you know, Like you said, you're not going to return to the part of you that you lost that loved this this you know poetry and and had what you described as a naivety and you probably shouldn't, right.
I mean, you're growing forward, not backward. So hopefully if you keep the search up, you'll find a new part of yourself. And the challenge is just going to be keeping the search up, even on days where you don't want to or where it seems like you are not going to get anywhere. Just keeping it up always keeps, you know, the potential energy in play. You can ask me anything.
I'm not trying to be argument and no, please, I'm very like I'm a very Devil's advocate type person, but like this is like a genuine reactioning question is like sure, so, oh my god, I already forgot about some So basically like how do I like continue this like attempt to be like honest and open with people and like not close off without feeling like, well, you can't say this, you can't say that, Like I feel like almost everything about my life is like controversial or like just too weird,
like people have a hard time or it just invites more questions and I don't want I don't know, It's like I don't want people to focus on like how weird my past is or how like buffed up my past is. Like I don't you know, I don't want to dwell on it. I just really want to move on and like find the next positive stuff. But like I don't know, I don't want to like shut them down either, you know what I mean? Like I don't know how to find that balance.
Why do you have Why do you have to talk to people about your past?
Well, it's not it's really just like when I'm so, I find myself in so many situations, whether it be like getting a haircut or like starting my new job or out, and everybody wants to like grill you, Yeah, not grill you, but just ask a lot of questions,
and like especially when your answers are kind of intriguing. Yeah, it's like, uh like at some point, I just like I don't even know what to say, or I don't want to open a can of worms, you know, sure sure like if I it would be radically honest, that would go badly, especially in like some situations with people like I just.
You think, can I can I can I ask you a question? You say that being radically honest would go badly, And you know, I don't want to be a hypocrite here because I have a desire sometimes to be radically honest and I don't do it. But do you do you have a desire within you to relinquish everything and just be radically honest.
I think, oh, yeah, for sure, because I think I hate the fact that people always say, like give lip service to this idea like be yourself or you know, honesty and openness is so important, but like in reality, people don't want to know a lot of the details are like people have this more bid curiosity, more so than the natural interest, right, And so I think that's what puts me off, is that curiosity which is not.
And I and I I think I think that's you know what, you know what, And I don't want to be I don't want to be a hypocrite here because I'm I'm almost talking to myself. But like, you're a hundred thousand percent correct that you probably have things about your life that and thoughts and feelings that if you were one hundred percent honest about you're probably right that there are a lot of people, maybe even most people
would react to them strangely or negatively or uncomfortably. But along with that, you have a much, much, much much higher chance of opening yourself up to people who find who agree with those ideas and are like, fuck, I've been waiting for a person like this to come along into my life because everyone else, you know, people admire you because they were so scared themselves to be open
like that, and you attract those people. And attracting those people, I'm a fucking hypocrite saying this, but attracting those people is worth putting off people who think that your shit is weird.
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of, And I just got to like, I don't know, I just gotta like meditate on that. Just stop scaring at Gissa.
Yeah, yeah, Tasha, thanks for having this conversation. This was very interesting, and I again I've said this five times, I feel like I have a good telling you this because I myself and I'm sure a lot of people listening to this could be doing a better job of this scary thing. But I hope you have the courage to, you know, be more out there moving forward, and I hope that if you do it lands you somewhere interesting or somewhere that at least you never thought you'd get to.
Thank you. I appreciate you.
Thanks for calling Tashai. Hey what's up? Man?
Hey?
What's going on?
This is awesome. I'm like really high to like talk to you.
Oh anything, what's going on with you?
I'm just relaxing. I'm like playing some video games, watching.
You what kind of video games.
I've been back into Battlefield one because it's like, I don't know, it's one of the shooters I got like really into when it came out, so it's kind of nostalgic.
Ethan, is anything in particular you wanted to talk about today?
Ah?
So I'm in Alabama, so we can talk about the Alabama thing. Or I recently went to Colorado and I had this really really good pizza and none of the pizza I've had can like compare to it, so it kind of ruined all the pizza for me.
How good was this pizza?
It was the bread like it's just like melts, you know.
And after having this pizza, what has other pizza tasted like for you?
I mean, I went to like my favorite pizza place in town when I got back, and I'm a big like sauce guy, so like I really like like the red sauce and it just like wasn't as good.
How does that make you feel?
I'm worried because I had this really good pizza and now it's like, do I not like the pizzas in my town anymore?
Do you feel a little bit of depression?
It's like I lost one of my greatest choices, you know what I mean. But like I'm I'm not like out of hope, like there's gonna be a pizza.
This is interesting. This is like a hedonic treadmill thing. Like, now that you've had such great pizza, all the other pizzas don't compare. So tell me this, m Do you think you've learned anything from this experience about aiming too close to the top.
I mean, it wasn't like intentional, So it's not like I'm like like getchorus like flying towards the sun. It's like not one of those. It's like this pizza just kind of got dropped in front of me.
Well, okay, so you had this experience, but has this has this led you to any other their epiphanies about life. I mean, this is a this is a whole thing here that you're dealing with. You now know the dangers of reaching too high to the top shelf instead of enjoying what is in front of you.
Yeah, I guess you're right.
Do you think that this has prevented you from possibly, in the future going after new experiences and in the fear that they will ruin your current life experiences?
Don't do that. There's no way.
There's no way.
I mean, you gotta like go for like the good stuff, you know, Like you gotta like, I don't know, I've had a bad acid trip before, so it's like kind of like that feeling one, but like that wore off over time. So like I feel like the pizza thing is gonna wear off over time too.
You think it'll wear off.
Yeah, Like it's I'm gonna like roll back down and then my standard is gonna be low again, and then I'm gonna eat the pizza from around here again and it's gonna be like good again.
MM. So you think that eventually this will pay off and you will be able to yeah, agotiate the local again.
Yeah, like a time heals all wound situation.
Mm.
Hmmm mmmm, well, Ethan that I'm I'm rooting for you, man. I hope that, I hope that eventually you are able to return to your appreciation for that which is in front of you and not be constantly thinking about when you had the best.
Thank you get.
Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go.
No, I just hope everybody's having a good time. Be careful if you ever get like pizza from outside your home area.
Thank you for calling it, Thank you good Ethan eas and Ethan Ethan. Ethan goes on the line, thinking, your phone
Calls every night, every