“I HATE BEING SOBER”

Hello, Yeah, how are you?

I'm good. What is your name?

It's Rachel?

Rachel. How's life dude?

Yeah, it's good actually right now?

Well I'm happy to hear that. What'd you want to talk about today?

Do you see any of my texts?

Nope?

Now okay, all right, So no, life's good. I've been a drug addict since I'm thirteen, and I am your age right now. I am extremely functional. I am super dedicated, super passionate, can carry a job, but had lots of trauma in life. So I don't know which way do you want to take it.

How old do you think I am?

Like twenty six?

Yeah, I'm twenty six, so I just.

I turned twenty five in May, so we're similar ages.

So are you still Are you still addicted to drugs?

Oh?

Yeah?

Absolutely?

Do you see a drug counselor person?

I used to, but my insurance they terminated my plan, so I haven't recently, and I I so when I stopped seeing them, everything kind of like kicked back into action. But I'm not doing anything like heavy anymore. I haven't done anything heavy since I was probably like twenty, I mean three.

Okay, you but you don't seem like you're doing this, but I'm just going to give this uh disclaimer real drank h I am not a real therapist. I know you know that, I know you listen to the podcasts, and I know I know you know that, I know I know, I know you know, I know you know. But just putting that out there, I'm not a real therapist. I'm happy to talk to you about my current drug addiction as like a random dude on the internet, but as long as I'm just establishing that context.

Yeah, so I went to school to be a therapist, so I understand, and I've listened to your podcast for quite some time, so I totally understand where you're coming from. Honestly, you could be a service.

But now that we've established that, we can get into the fun part. What kind of drugs are you addicted to?

So right now it's just alcohol. I used to be addicted to cocaine. I did acid every weekend for two years while I was in high school. I did a bunch of cocaine post high school. In college, dabbled in ketamine. Nothing like. I didn't do math, I didn't do heroine. I addicted to opioids from like fourteen to sixteen.

So right now, it's just you're just drinking a lot.

Yeah. Yeah, I don't smoke weed because I get too anxious. So right now it's really just go ahead.

Are you drunk right now?

Yeah?

Really?

Oh yeah, Well I'm not drunk. So my thing is like I can drink and be super super functional. I probably so when your podcast started, about thirty minutes into it, I had like four shots of vodka. I think I took three or four more.

Since you don't sound even slightly ineviated, That's that's.

What the issue is. I'm a very functional person. I just get like more like lovey dovey and more like into my emotions.

I guess so you you're seven shots deep right now, if not more, Yeah, that's crazy. How long have you been? Like do you drink every day?

So I went to a jizoq facility at one point because I was like I can't do it anymore, and I was like two months sober, and then since then, yeah, I've pretty much just been drinking every day. So that was like in March.

So and you have this thing where you can just take seven shots. That's I mean, I've literally I mean, you sound like a stone cold souper after seven. That's crazy. I've never encountered that.

Yeah.

No, I can drink half a bottle Latinos and someone wouldn't know that I'm actually drunk. And so they asked me about my day and they're like, oh, you remember that, And I'm like what, No, And.

This doesn't does this affect your job or your relationships or like, how does does this negatively affect your life?

No? None at all. Besides like maybe sometimes I'm linked to work. Actually most of the time, I'm like five ten minutes fleet to work. But no, I hold a job, I hold my friendships, I hold a relationship. I carry on with my life.

Okay, so you're you're in a relationship, you have a boyfriend.

Yeah, I have a new boyfriend. It's only been like maybe a month.

And what's your boyfriend think about all this?

I don't know. I haven't asked him. He's very aware of it, but I have not asked him specifically what he thinks about it.

In your twenty six years of or I guess thirteen years of like drug addiction, has alcohol or any of these stuff like has had Like I guess, clearly you've been able to be functional, but like, has it taken a toll on any any things in your life?

Not particularly, I mean, and maybe like when I was in high school, I was like, I don't give a fuck, and I had like a one point eight GPA. And then my boyfriend went to a high end college, a high end university, and I wanted to follow him there boyfriend of the time. Uh So I got my shit together, still drank, but got my shit together and got my GPA up and got accepted into the college. And I was with him my previous ex, for like six years, and I graduated with a three point nine seven five.

You physically feel right now?

I get like chronic diarrhea right now, though right now I feel great. But yeah, I have like my I have like GI issues. I have like hangovers occasionally, not occasionally, I would say, maybe like I wake up in the morning, don't feel great. By by midday I feel fine. I definitely I've I've gotten to the point where I'm so drunk that I'm like, you know what, we could just end this all. And I've tried to commit to that a few times.

How recently, as that happens.

The last time, it's probably like, well, I also was on shrooms, so so the last time I was drinking and tried was probably like two years ago. But the last time that I tried was maybe a year and a half ago. But I was tripping really hard. I didn't even drink. I was just tripping really hard.

And true, do you feel better now?

I mean currently right now? Yeah, I feel great where I'm at, like having a partner that I'm really really into, and I have a great job, and I have a great apartment, and I pay my bills and I have three beautiful kiddies.

So I guess, why do you keep drinking every day?

It's not even like like I mean, I go through withdraw if I don't drink, But that's not why I keep drinking. It's more of like it feels very freeing, like I have no anxiety, my depression's gone, Like I just feel like a great human being if I drink, whether it's a small amount or a large amount, So it.

Just numbs your like your anxiety and your depression, and you just keep keep it up so that you don't have to deal with all that shit.

And I mean I have faced it. I've been sober. I have faced it. I've gone through many months of therapy and been put on medications and stuff, and I still have felt never better if I drink.

And in the past thirteen years of dealing with this stuff, you have been to rehab and you have talked to counselors and therapists and whatnot. Right, Yes, what do they what do they tell you? Like if you like, I'm sure you've expressed this sentiment that you just expressed to me, this idea of like, Okay, well, when I'm drunk, I don't have to deal with my anxiety. I don't have to deal with my depression all this time. When you tell that to these people, what do they tell you?

I mean, that is like addiction, that you're just like numbing out and stuff like that. But I, in my opinion, I feel more. I'm able to express more when I am drunk or high or tripping or anything. And I think it comes down to me like numbing out my emotions when I'm sober. And I mean, if you do that for over a decade and numb yourself out because of trauma and stuff. It feels great to just like let loose for once and not be stuck in your head.

Sober sober you is stuck in your head?

Oh, absolutely, overthinking constantly.

Well, I can't fucking argue with that. I can't fucking argue with that. I can't. Yes, you're gonna overthink, and you're gonna you're gonna overthink and be more anxious when you're sober than when you're drunk. Sure, that is a thing I cannot argue with. And I guess so you're trying to cheat the system because you went like, because, all right, because because that's what it is. Right, It's like, have you've heard that fucking idea that like alcohol is

I don't I don't necessarily agree with the last part, like I drink for the moment, not not to be like, oh tomorrow will be better like it, I mean tars and be worse regardless until you like start up again or honestly, to be honest, I have great relationships with all my coworkers, all my friends, and that also gives me a release if I'm sober like I have. I'm

So let me ask you this, do you want to stop drinking?

I did for a while. Yeah, I went to.

Like yohalaha, you did stop drinking or you did want to stop drinking.

I did want to and I did stop, Okay, and now do your utility?

Now do you want to stop drinking? Like as you know?

So No, that's what the hard part is. I know that like on a systemic level, like my body is gonna like the chat had said, I saw one comment like you're gonna die at forty five, like probably, and that is my biggest fear, Like I don't want to because it brings me so much joy and so much release in my day to day life. But I know that health wise is not okay, and that gives me

Can I I'm gonna I'm gonna try my best here with this.

Okay.

So, and I think I actually talked to somebody who had a kind of similar issue, maybe like a year ago, on this podcast.

But I probably already listened to it.

So okay, So a few things. Clearly, you you you don't suffer from confidence issues, which is good. You like you like yourself. You know that you're great at socializing. You know that you're good at talking to people. You know that you're good at your job. You know that you're you know, attractive enough to hold down a relationship, that you are emotionally available enough to hold down a relationship. Like you don't you have a positive self image of yourself? Right?

Yeah?

Correct? And it's not even just like something that's in your head. It's like proven you're holding down a relationship, you're holding down a job. You're holding down friends, you're doing all this stuff. Uh, do you believe that you can do those things sober? That you can be this person sober?

I do believe I could. But do I feel that on like a cellular level when I'm sober. No, I feel like I'm withdrawn and I'm not as exciting. And I've been told wrong already from like friends who I got sober with. But I probably could, but to me, it's not as exciting, for whatever.

It's worth from me, I believe you can do all of those things sober now. Of course, after like drinking as much as you have, like you're gonna be going through crazy withdraws and yeah, and look and look and look. Maybe I know I'm not a psychologist, I'm not a scientist. I don't I don't know. I'm not a medical person, so I don't know the timeline of how long it

With it's like three to six days.

Three to six days, okay, So for the next three to six days, maybe you're not all those things because you're dealing with fucking withdrawals. But then once you get over your hurdle, I fully believe you can be a confident, successful, competent person doing all these things, being social, having a good life, sober and get this.

So I've done that, I've done okay.

Okay, tell me what happened when you did that?

So I fell super so when I got sober, I the counselor I was seeing, wanted to put me on anti depresence and anti anxiety because I had no drive to do anything. I would stay in bed. I didn't want to socialize. I didn't want to like go on tender and meet people. I didn't want to be adventurous. Like it was very much not what I know me as myself, But it like what I know me as myself right now is who I was when I was like a kid and sober. So I mean, maybe there's

Months, how long, how long were you sober for two and a half months and during that two and a half months you didn't feel like yourself?

No, not at all.

I want to believe. I I'm not a doctor, I'm a man, but I'm a man in a gecko coster who really wants to believe. There is some reason why, when you are sober for those two months, you're not feeling yourself and that reason is not because you're sober. I don't know what that reason is. I also want to believe. I also want to believe that you can figure out what that reason is and then you can

I've I've gone I've talked to I've talked you know, it's definitely not sustainable, but like I've gone to therapist, I've talked about the trauma that I've had in my childhood and I've like worked through it and gone through it and i still have this desire. And You're right, it's the easier path, but I've taken the harder path, maybe not for long enough, but I just have never felt like myself in that longer past. I know what I'm doing.

Go ahead, go ahead, No you go, If you finished, then I'll tell you I.

Was going to say, I've uh So, I've gone that longer pass for quite a while. I've tried it multiple times, and there's just something about it that doesn't feel like the authentic me. Like I feel very uh like the child like essence in me comes out when I'm drinking or when I'm drunk or when I'm on drugs, and I'm like giggly and happy and open and friendly, and then if I'm sober, I'm more like very like not monotone, but like the world feels monotone. And I've again, I've

But can I can I admit something to you?

Yes?

I would love to for you to do that.

I'm probably on like four hundred milligrams of caffeine right now, and it's and it's I it's when it's ironic because I think a little part of me thinks I wouldn't have been able to confidently have this conversation with you as well as I could if I were not on four hundred milligrams of caffeine. And so there's a it's I just noticed that, and I was like, there's I think a little bit of a parallel.

Between can emit something? Can I omit something to you? That I realized this morning. So I was listening to the podcast with the man who was talking about time travel and how no one understands him and he got sent to a mental hospital. I think it was like last year.

Yes, there was a there was a there was a just a I guess give. Yeah, there was a guy who like thought he was being stalked by time travelers. Yeah, and he went to all these like mental facilities and nobody believed him that he was being stocked.

He went to one mental health facility. He messaged the FBI, it's that.

One, okay, And and and I know, yeah, I know what you're talking about. Tell me how this relates to you.

So as he was speaking about it and he's saying that no one believes him, it really hit me hard. So, like I went to school to be a therapist and you have to always validate people's feelings. It hit me really hard that in his entire life, even you, but I mean, you're here to get him out, no one believes him, and he believes it to be his truth

So you so so so for you, the idea that you need alcohol to be a competent human being is the same as the idea that this man is being stalked by time travelers.

You know, they don't relate.

I don't.

I feel like that's is that? Is that not the parallel that you're getting out right now?

So maybe no, you said something random, So I felt like I needed to say something random, and that's been on my mind, and that's been something like if I ever caught your attention to be able.

To say.

But maybe I just thought it was funny, like he's pursuing the same job that I've been working for four years, and I believe him on a therapeutic level. And I guess that's that's really it.

Well, I mean, what's your name again, Rachel? Well, uh, do you think you're going to try to quit?

Not anytime soon? I don't think so. I don't. But I also don't want to hit rock bottom again where I have to go like a detox facility, because that was the most traumatic experience I've ever had.

Look, I I just I know it's easy as the guy who doesn't have to cash this check, but I believe. I know it's easy to say, is the guy who doesn't have to cash this check, But I believe that you can be a competent human being without being you know, without taking seven shots of vodka every day. That's all I can really, that's all. I'm sure. I'm sure you take more. I'm sure you take more. I for That's all I can really give you. I hope it's worth something.

Yeah, no, it's worth something, I hear you out. But it's it's like you have, like you have to want it yourself, and like maybe I'll get there at some point, but it's hard to really get there when it makes you feel so good and you're not you're not seeing immediate health effects.

Rachel, is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before you go?

Hmmm?

I thought about this one, and I forget what I wanted to say, but I guess get me out and pussy his life.

Have a good night, Rachel.

Bye.

Yeah.

I mean I'm a hypocrite because there's no way I'm quitting the caffeine. Hell, what is your name, sir?

Let's go by John?

So John, what was it you wanted to talk about today? Well?

Did you see my text?

I'm assuming yes, it says Hi, my name is John. Yeah, and I want to talk about by the way, there's everyone in the world's name to that, but whatever, my name is John, and I want to talk about my OnlyFans donation problem? Yeah, okay, sorry? What?

What?

What is? What is the problem? In your own words?

So, I probably spent close to two thousand dollars in the last month or so. M M, only fans, I'd say, is a lot of money?

Is that through like or like with like messaging people?

Yeah?

Donations?

Okay, what why what do you what do you think is compelling you to to spend that much money?

So there's one specific woman who has gotten all of that money. Who she made it sound like she wanted a legitimate relationship with me.

Mm hmm.

But the problem is I live in Seattle and she lives in Boston.

Is that the problem?

Yeah?

One of them?

Okay, what are the other ones?

Is the fact that gave her all the money?

So are do you still talk? Do you? Or do you still do you still give her money?

I have stopped giving her money as of last week m hm, And I still talk to her on a daily basis, that's sure earlier today.

But so you're still you're still talking with her without giving her money.

Yeah, Which is why I started giving her money in the first place, is because she seemed like a real person, because she was kind of on and off with the money at first.

Okay, And so now you're talking to her, is she you're talking to her? Is she asking you for money?

It's it'll be normal chats throughout the day, and then we'll get to the end of the night and it'll be hey to tip this much and we can keep going type thing and just it escalated quickly from that.

Okay, so you you're talking to her throughout the day and then at the end she's asking you for for it's it? Yeah, what why do you think you keep talking to this lady.

As I have nobody else to really talk to you?

Oh? Yeah? Yeah? How long have you? How long have you had no one else to talk to?

Oh?

In years? Probably ever since in high school.

Really, I've just.

Hang out with my friends and that's all I really hang out with their, mainly on discord.

Okay. Yeah, loveliness is a fucking bitch, and it'll cause you to do things like spend two thousand dollars messaging only fans. Gross. Uh yeah, So so don't don't beat yourself up too badly because you're battling quite a power orful force. My friend and I I don't I don't know how the best way to handle lone and is I mean you have your friends.

Right, yeah, dude, I mean talk to them most nights.

Do you attempt to like or do you download dating apps? Do you put yourself out there in any way to like meet real women?

Yeah?

No, I have all of the apps. I've been on them for years now.

Also, okay, and when you go on uh dates, how how does that go?

Well?

I've only managed to pull off one date, okay, and that one date ended up being with a very autistic woman okay, And it kind of kind of set me off of the whole dating app idea immediately, just from that one.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Why you didn't tell me at first? Mainly, and so the it just was a surprise. I was not expecting it, and it was a very.

Awkward date that she was autistic?

Yeah, it was very.

Why Why was that?

Like?

Why is that a problem? I mean, like why did why is? Why is her being autistic make you not want to go on a date with another person?

It's not that I don't want to go on another date, It's that I don't It's I've tried to go on another date. I've It's just the one day that I did get to go through ended up being very awkward for me.

Okay.

So I haven't had any other dates come up since then.

Did that turn you? Did that turn you off of the idea of pursuing further dates?

It turned me off of the idea of using the apps mainly, just.

Just just because you had a one date that was kind of awkward. Yeah, okay, what what what? What? What ways of trying to meet people in person have you pursued?

Uh? Not a lot, honestly. I mean I'll go out sometimes with friends, but I don't chat much because I'm with my friends.

Yeah. I again, loneliness is a really difficult thing to deal with, you know, but you got, but you got you gotta put yourself out there. You know that you you just gotta, you know, and look, if you're if you're sending money to OnlyFans girls simult while you're trying to fucking but you gotta be at least. I mean, it's it's it's, uh like, trying to date is fucking like it sucks. But I mean what else are you gonna do? Like, you got to put yourself out there if you want to find someone, you know.

Yeah, I get it.

And don't and don't and don't don't let one uh experience of that. What don't let one date that you didn't have fun on, you know, prevent you from ever fucking going on other dates.

Yeah, that's that's a good point. Yeah, It's just I'm very hard on myself. I guess.

Why why?

I guess I'm just insecure. I don't know, lots of issues.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Insecurity is a bitch. Yeah, Loneliness is a bitch. I don't know, man, I don't know. Like, are your friends helpful?

One of them is, the other one is not so much.

Why.

I work with one of my best friends, which is the one who's helpful, so I get to talk to him most days.

You ever talked to a real therapist about this?

No?

I have not.

Do you think it would be beneficial to.

I feel like it would, But at the same time, I'm reluctant to see a therapist just because I also have that thought in the back of my head that it would just be a waste of time.

Yeah yeah, Look man again, Uh, as somebody who has absolutely struggled with uh, loneliness and insecurity, it's a fucking bitch, dude. Uh yeah, it's a bitch. And I and and that's again the conclusion that I think I've come to and I and I think about this a lot. I swear on my life, it's that you just got to put yourself out there. That's all. That's all I that's all you can do. Bro is just ham hammer hammer away.

Okay, do you have any suggestions for how I might be able to put myself out there? Because I don't really have much of a social life outside of playing games on Discord.

Sure ways for you to put yourself out there? I mean, you went on you gotta date. You got at least one date from the dating apps, which means that you can probably find other girls on dating apps that will go out with you. Be careful. Dating apps are are can be like very depressing and heightened insecurity natural. Yeah, I know, I get that. I get that, but I would give it another shot. But tread tread lightly because yeah, it'll just you'll there's there's many ways that dating apps

Where do you?

Where do you live?

Seattle area?

Okay? Look up, fucking bullshit going on in Seattle. You must have things you like doing. You play video games, look up a fucking video game tournament, you get high, look up a weed thing. You know, there's things, there's stuff. Go outside, there will be things and stuff, things and stuff. You gotta give it a shot. I I gotta you know what things. You might be being facetious, but things and stuff is the answer. No.

I totally understand then. I mean I've been watching your podcast for two years probably now, so I mean I try to take everything you say the hard, but it's just difficult to apply it.

Uh. I don't know what else. I fucking that scares me that you just said you try to take everything I say to heart. That that that makes me uncomfortable. But well, John, is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

Just do your best and stay positive.

I take care John, good luck. Life's fucking crazy, dude. Life's a bitch. Life's a bitch, and it's fucking crazy. He's got to deal with it being fucking crazy sometimes.

Man.

I I that's the absolutely, that's that's that's that's all. That's all I can can think. That's all I can think. All right, take care of John.

Thank you, goodbye?

That's all I got, dude, That's all I got. Man, Life's fucking crazy. That's I don't have any other conclusion about I've spoken to a billion people, and I've thought a trillion thoughts, and the closest conclusion I can come to from any and all of that data is that life is fucking crazy. Aw from Doug, Hello, Hallock, Doug Haw's it going?

Hello? Let's go all right?

Where are you call him? From the Great Nation of England's England's guy? What's going on over there? What are you guys doing today?

Not a lot was working earlier, walking around the lake.

In a minute, Let's see, it's about seven thirty pm here in New York as I'm recording, so it's like three o'clock in the fucking morning for you.

Not quite just go on midnight.

Oh really, that's actually not that bad of a time difference. Yeah, what are you doing up so late?

Listen to you? Very nice?

Well, Doug.

Very different over the phone then on the stream.

Why do people keep saying that. I don't know why, but well it sounds like well, the reason why it sounds different over the phone is because it's phone. When you when I talk to somebody of the phone. It sounds phony, like not not the word phony. I didn't even mean this. I literally didn't even mean to make

Uh? I don't know. I got a few things because you could talk about.

Uh, pick pick your favorite one and we'll talk about.

That poor relationship with my with my family. I suppose to be a good one.

Okay, go ahead.

And so I always saw a class myself as being estranged from my parents. I suppose have spoke with my twenty nine. Okay, so I haven't spoken with my mum in probably two three years, Like since you've had like a real conversation mm hmm. Father, not so much bad blood there, but just not having never really had that great relationship with them.

Uh you did you? Did you estrange yourself from your parents for a particular reason?

Uh? Yeah, mother definitely?

Yeah, what's up if you want to talk about it? Uh?

Her her husband, My like air quote stepfather and classm

Yeah, sure, So I guess what when when did you kind of when did you kind of draw the line and you were like, fuck this, I'm not gonna gonna be around with this, this is anymore.

I I'd probably say sort of around twenty one was when I kind of knew to myself and I was still living with them at the time, but there was just like zero communication. It was just living there. If I can't afford to this somewhere else, so at that point, or I can't consistently to sort of like live elsewhere.

So you were you're mainly pissed off at your mom because she is still together with your stepdad even though your stepdad was being an.

Asshole kindly, Yeah.

Okay, is there anything more to it?

Uh? I wouldn't say so, to be honest, it sounds a little stupid sort of saying it or hearing it from someone else.

But why do you think it? Tell me? What? Tell me why you think it sounds stupid?

I always just sounds like I'm being petty, But I wouldn't. I don't know. It's like almost sounds petty coming from you. In my head, it's I guess, my my trauma, but my lived experienced trauma. I guess if that makes any kind of sense that it doesn't really to me.

But so I don't think it's petty. I think that, I mean you get to decide, You get to decide. I think the answer to that, you know what I mean, like you get to decide the whole I think the whole idea of like, am I overreacting by with this? It's like it's like up to you, like maybe you haven't. Maybe there's something where like you haven't realized that it's up to you, And like, if you really I'm not trying to steer you in a way. I have no

But the.

Like, why does it sound petty when you hear it back from someone else? I don't know, Maybe maybe you you could like think about it more and and really kind of think think about it long. I guess I would think about it long enough that when you make your decision, you can say to yourself, you know what, I've thought about this from all angles. I've really taken

I guess where it's like, I guess it sounds petty coming from you because I'm only hearing that half the story, or like im in half like a faction of it, If that makes sense. I'm not sure sure.

By the way, I'm not trying to make it sound petty.

Oh no, I'm not saying you are. That was just the first word I can think in my head to describe sort of how I felt when hearing it coming from you, rather than in my own brain.

Okay, So, like, do you, like, do you feel confident in your decision to not have your mom in your life?

Yeah, i'd say so, but i'd more or less sort of accepted that the next time I would see her would either be at my sister's wedding or when my grandpa, when one of my grandparents passed away.

Okay, so like.

Not so much dead set, but that was sort of I'm not sure exactly how to put it, by a sort of like mentally preparing myself for that point because I know, like that's something I couldn't avoid if that makes sense, Like now I don't need to see them, I know, avoid them like all costs. See them, see them, see them in like the garage. I'll turn around, walk out, come back there twenty minutes later kind of thing.

Hm. Well, I look, man, I think if that's the decision that you made and you're coughing on that decision, uh, then I don't know. I wouldn't. I wouldn't think that. I don't think that that's petty at all. Maybe I guess it sounds petty again because you heard me say it from a place with no context, and you have one hundred percent of the context. But yeah, you made you made your decision with one hundred percent of the context. So I think I think you're I think you're good.

Okay, that's somewhat relieving to hear. I think a lot of people like to have spoken to him about this. Some of them completely get it, where they've known my stepdad for like not a long with me, but for like ten plus years. No, he's an absolute jackass, right. But then there's like the people that don't have much context, like, well, it's your mum, man, Like you can't hate your mum.

Hey, can I ask you for advice while I have you on the phone? Sure, there's a complete a right? Can we can I change the subject? Or do is there still more stuff about this you want to talk about? That's a question?

No, that general question going cheap?

Okay?

No?

You sure?

Yeah? Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay, all right, So I'm doing my live show in in in the UK and like London in November.

And oh my god, I didn't know. That's amazing.

Fuck and damn, I don't know how to talk about this without giving like a little bit of a spoiler. Uh ship, all right, I'll just say this. Do you guys have Reese's cups over there?

We do?

All right? Thank god?

Fucking amazing.

That's so relieving. Do you guys have a lot of like American candy?

Yes? You have to go to the right place all right. Here it's like a big soup market. I probably have like an American food section.

All right, okay, good good, all right, I'm gonna I'm not gonna say anything else, but that's that's you know, how you know earlier you just said that you're relieved, Like I feel relieved by by you saying that as well.

That's good. I hope it makes your trip to the UK more enjoyable knowing you've got those home comforts here for you as well.

Yeah yeah yeah.

Are the tickets available already for your show in London?

Yeah? Yeah, I'm doing the Clapham Grand which sounds very Londony. Have you been there?

Yeah? I have not.

Okay, it sounds like sounds like a place where it sounds like a place where they have a fucking British ship. I don't I should stop talking, Doug. I've enjoyed. I've enjoyed talking you. Is there anything else that you wanted to talk about before we go?

There is something else you could talk about, but it's not something I'd necessarily want to end up on a real somewhere, if that makes sense.

Okay. I mean this is a public Whatever you say, I am going to put into a podcast that will be listened to thousand people.

Podcast is all cool. It's not as out there, if that makes sense.

Okay. I mean, is it quick if you If it's quick, we can do a quick thing.

Uh quick enough? All right?

Uh?

It's like about a year ago, I was a victim to a sextortion scam, which was quite a headspin, I must.

Say, WHOA what happens? Uh?

So, you know, yeah, matches someone on an app new from that app to somewhere else. Things get a little bit frisky sent well, at the time, I'm asily thinking I'm sending pictures to someone else, to someone else, it's not the person that I think I'm sending them to.

Mm hmmm, and.

So like at certain point they wanted to do like a video call. Wasn't really quite down for that, but you know, I didn't want to quite lose the fire. About a few seconds into that call, they got hung up and then started then sending pictures of I sent to them back to me, and then screenshots of them going to send them to like people from your Instagram micro friends list.

Ah, what happened? Did she end up sending it or I guess it's not a lady, did you? Did they end up sending the photos to your friends and stuff?

Yeah? So they sent it to like six people from the list. One of them was a guy I went to UNI with and they hoped so at the time, in the space of time from a sext in them telling me that they're blackmailing me. Then my friend from UNI messaging me saying, dude, I've just been sending this. I'm sorry, Like, I hope you're good. My dick was still hard, and like seeing that time it happened that fast.

Yeah, it happened so fast. Your dick was still hard by the time he said. No, that's that's here's the thing. Here's the thing that's super fucked up. That's super fucked up. The only real thing like that that's super fucked up. The only thing you can really do is be like like if you really just gotta be like, yep, that's

They awkward have my friends time I had a nice cock? Though I can't lie.

Your friend told you had a nice cock. Yeah, all right, so and all I guess it all worked out in the end. What yeah, did she did she did she send it to your mom? I mean, what's that though? Right? Like like your mom's senior cock. All right, your mom and your mom literally invented your cock, So what who gives a ship exactly?

But I like somewhat convinced them that I was going to pay them. At the end of the month, they deleted the messages, so like, to my knowledge, the six people they sent it to, that guy was the only one that like opened the message Of.

The six people they sent to, was there anyone where you were like, I really don't want that person to see this picture of my dick?

Uh? Yes, It was more I didn't want them to talk about it to one of their friends, which I was like very interested in, not at the time but in the past. And it was more that should just be like really fucking awkward.

Uh, you like I had hooked up with this parson.

I hadn't hooked up, but like talk for quite a while and been like on and off, like talking blah blah blah, but nothing like it actually happened. Rather not that's the instance of seeing my dick being they're like gay best friend, Like, hey, check out.

Now what if what if the extortionists ended up sending this person a picture of your dick and then they messaged you and they were like, hey, I got a picture of your dick from this random account on Instagram. I'm sorry that happened to you. But then in parentheses they were like, but also it's a nice dick if you ever want to hang out.

I mean, that would have been a nice silver lining.

Well, yeah, did you ever pay this person? No?

So now, so I like delete all my social media and like any way they could contact me before the day I told them I was going to pay. And then because they can have no again hold of you, they just move on to someone else because we've obviously want to make money.

Yeah, that makes sense.

And then to my knowledge, it didn't get sent to anyone else, but like spoke to people that I thought it could get sent to from the list they had. I was like, hey, you might get said a picture of my dick A bit awkward. Could you let me know so I know it's happening. And so it didn't happen, but I guess me somewhat self exposing it did make it happen almost.

Well hold on, well, hold on, when you say self exposed, you did you you didn't go to your friends and you were like, hey, you might get sent a picture of my dick, and just in case if you do, here's what that picture might look like.

Uh.

Yeah, I did a little bit for some people.

I was, I was just joking. Did you really do that?

Yeah? Obviously obviously like self censors. You know, like some.

You said you preemptively sent a bunch of your friends a picture of your blurry dick.

No no, no, not sent like showed him in personal. I don't know if if that makes it any better really worse.

I guess, sir, Yeah, I guess that's a strategy. I respect. I respect that. I respect that. I respect that. Doug is good talking to you, sir. Thanks for sharing your stories, Thanks for sharing your accent, Thanks for letting us know what's going on across the pond. Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go.

I've heard a lot of people, like callers in say that they're going to study cybersecurity. I don't know if you'd like noticed that trend as well.

Not at all.

It podcasts all the time at work, and like all the time I hear like cybersecurity, Like if we have a couple of you have a couple of shows listen out for it. But it's like a recommendation to those those people try to get internship's like while you're at UNI. It's really tough job market when you're a graduate.

All right, all right, take care, sir. You see I was talking to See I do kind of like that. This guy's origin story is that, you know, this whole thing happened with him with the dig pic thing, and so he decides to dedicate his life to cybersecurity and goes on the line taking your phone calls every night, every beacon, goes.

To just teaching you loud in the mid of your life.

And he's not really an expert.