Hello, Hello, How are you?
Are you good? How are you?
I'm a gecko on the computer.
Life's crazy, Oh, I goes, that sounds very exciting.
What is what is your name?
My name Isla? So they still like be talking to.
You, Liila. It's very nice to be talking to you too. Is there anything in particular that, uh you wanted to to talk about here?
Well?
Yeah, like I wanted to first share an experience of mine that I had like a couple of years ago when I was in high school. So my senior year, my high school math teacher actually tried like breaking into my home and like causing harm to me and stuff.
Your math teacher broke into your home?
Yeah, like my algebra math teacher.
Uh how did that happen?
Well, like to start, like I took algebra my senior year and this is like in twenty nineteen, so this was a few years ago. And my actually my identical twin sister and I both had him like as our teacher, and he was like super normal.
Uh.
He was considered a young teacher, like in his early thirties, I guess, and like he was like super cool, especially for the seniors since we were all going to graduate but I started personally noticing like his weird behavior probably like a month before, like my twin and I turned eighteen, Like no, why, Like there was a point basically where like she was at his desk by getting her work done or like getting it checked or something, and like she walked away, and I like was watching him, and
like I swear on everything, like I saw him look at like my sister's but like I saw him checking her out.
Uh how did this escalate into him going to your house?
So yeah, so after my twin and I turned in eighteen, we definitely like started noticing he was a little bit more like hands on with us, which was just sort of odd because like our birthdays in April, so like the year ended in June, and by then, like we basically were seniors, so like most of our work was done, So it was sort of odd that he was giving us like out of like the entire class and most attention. And then it basically started the night of our senior prom.
He wasn't able to like chaperone, so he was like, oh, like, you know, I want all of you guys to like send me pictures like of like how you guys look, you know, this being sort of like a normal teacher towards the end of the year, so like he ing out his number to like a bunch of students, including my sister and I, and so I remember the night of our senior prom, like my sister and I were like, okay, like let's send like pictures to silence though, and so
then we did, and then like the odd thing was like he sent like hard eyes back, like the hard eye emojis. So I think that's sort of what we were just like, eh, like this is sort of weird.
And so then weekend of our senior prom, like a lot of us go down to like the Jersey Shore for the weekend, and so the entire weekend, like he was sort of like you know, checking in casually saying hey, like you know, like hope you guys are like being safe, because like he started knew that we were all like obviously drinking and stuff, but he was just I don't know, he was being sort of normal, but like almost like crossing many boundaries.
Okay, well, how did he break into your house?
Oh? Yeah, Okay, So then continuing on, like we just kept like noticing really like shange behavior. He's being super like inappropriate at times, like the nineteen sending pictures of himself that were completely inappropriate. Also, yeah, so we after we got back from our senior prom, like, he bought breakfast for like the entire class, and so then after we ate, like my twin and I ate at breakfast,
he got us. We actually ended up getting really sick, and we later came to find out that he actually drugged us as well.
Oh my god, Yeah, what were do you, like, were you like at his house.
No, So, like he brought brexis in like to the school like four hours class specifically because we had came back from like our senior like week and away. So it was just like a nice gesture he was trying to do. But like my sister and I don't eat thee for pork, and he bought like pork bacon like egg and cheeses for like most people, So he specifically gave my sister and I like a different meal because
we don't eat that. So we thought it was like super nice of him, but then like you later found out like we were drugs because we got like really insanely sick, both of us, like for the rest of the day, like we were like vomiting, So like.
Is it well, I'll I mean, I guess I'll let you finish. But is this guy in jail now or something?
As of right now, he's not in jail. He did get five years probation and I got like a lifelonger straining order against him, and so did my sister as well.
Okay, fire sick? Uh what this was? How long ago was this?
So this is in twenty nineteen, so I was like, what twenty like about three years ago.
So he's not in jail, but he's like on probation.
Yeah, he ended up giving five years probation just because like the prosecutor is also wanted to like spare my sister and are like the trials because we didn't really feel comfortable like sharing this story in front of like you know, our family and friends and peers and stuff. So he just like pled guilty and like that's like the deal that like we got basically.
So I mean, let me ask you this. You sound I don't know what I mean. You sound very like comfortable tone in this story. Now, like how is your and I mean I don't know if you are, I don't I don't really know how you actually feel I mean, how is your kind of perspective and relationship with this situation, you know, evolved over the past few years.
Yeah, I definitely think I've like matured since then and like, you know, gotten to the point where I definitely feel more comfortable sharing my story. I think in the beginning I was super defensive and like honestly like just didn't want to talk about it, just completely wanted to ignore it because I was honestly just so embarrassed and like confused. But it's like now that I recognize that like I was groomed, that I was taken advantage of by someone
who was supposed to protect me. Like, I feel like I honestly am okay with like telling my story, just because it brings awareness to people who like could possibly in you know, bringing situations like I what unfortunately was. So I think I definitely come to terms and you know, like healed from this.
And what about your sister, I think.
She like the same probably goes for her as well. I think she's definitely less talkative about it because I did tell her like that I was possibly going to like call in and like share this, and she was just like, you know, I support you, but I won't want nothing to do.
With it basically. Okay, Yeah, Like did did you like, was this something you like talked about a lot in therapy or like had to kind of like what was your way of like I guess, uh uh sort of sort of dealing with this.
Yeah, So I did end up actually seeing a therapist for like quite some time after like the whole situation, and I like doro that I was like actually able to like you know, really trying to take it to court and whatnot. Because after I graduated, COVID shortly happened afterwards, so like everything got really delayed life, Like I was, I actually had the time to heal before having to like legally deal with everything.
Mm hm.
So I definitely do think I had like time to like, you know, cope with what sort of happened.
Was there a you said there was no trial and he just kind of like pleaded guilty immediately?
Yeah, he just pleaded guilty because like my sister and I like didn't really feel comfortable with going to a trial, and so like with the prosecutors, like I'm born to lawyers of that son, he sort of, I guess like jumped in a chance and said Hey, we'll sweet guilty for like you know, less of sentence.
Mm hmmm mm hmm. So what is your life like now? Are you in in college? Are you working?
Yeah, I'm currently in college. I'm currently working as well.
Okay, so it's pretty good.
Honestly, it's it's really like I think I've definitely grown and like completely changed since like that night. Oh I didn't even tell you about how he tried to break in?
How did he try to break in?
Yeah, so it was like a night of our senior barbecue and like my sister and I like had went out with like our friends like after like a night of our senior barbecue, which he knew we would be at the school for, and so we went up to play this diner and then we get I'm getting weird quick calls from him like constantly, but at this point we're just ignoring him, like we're just trying to graduate. And then we planned on like reporting everything because we
only were graduating in like two days. And so then suddenly like we get a call from like our mom, and my mom's just like, hey, like, are you guys like downstairs? And at the time, like living in my home was just like my mom, like my younger sister and then my twin and I. But my twin and I were out and so we were like no, like we're at the diner or whatever, and she was just like, well, like someone's trying to like like get inside the house.
And like Miko, which is like our dog at the time, was like going crazy, like he keeps barkating growing, which like never does and immediately like my guts these jobs, Like I knailed it was him, Like he had to like be trying to break into my home because like he has made for us before like prior, and so like we medi like a rush me like to like
my house. Like I'm trying to my mom like you know, like lock the doors, like call the police to sound the third and like she's generally confuted at this point because like we haven't told like our family for anything. And so then I finally get on the phone with him and he's like just sounds super intoxicated. He's just like I don't know why he won't talk to me, Like I didn't have to come to this, and like he's literally a beenning to like being outside of my
homes and whatnot. He's like describing my house like to me, like Walt on the phone in the entire time, I'm literally just like screaming like you know, like get the fuck away from my house, like it's not okay. And he got like my address obviously from being like you know my teacher. Oh my god, you have a lot of my personal information. Yeah, and then please tell me that.
Damn. So so he's so he's on probate, like is he not? So he's just like he's like at his house right now, like he's not.
Yeah, yes, I see.
Damn. I would assume there would be like pretty crazy criminal charges for that.
No, yeah, absolutely, Like I would assume that as well. I just think it was just because it was like during COVID that like we felt so rushed almost to get it over with and like no longer delay that he just got up so easy.
In my opinion, how did does is that something that like still upsets you or do you do you feel like you're you're kind of you you've moved on.
I don't know.
I think overall like I've definitely moved on, But do you think there are just stays where I'm feeling so like mentally good and stuff and I'm like, damn, like I could have actually probably faced him in court if like I would have been like as muchure as I am now like.
At that time, right right, Well, I'm glad to hear that you you feel like you're you're doing well and that you're comfortable enough to talk about that. I mean, this is a totally fucked up story.
Yeah, no, it was totally fucked up. Definitely, absolutely, I completely agree.
How does your sister what's what's like? What's her deal now? Is she also in school and doing well?
Yeah, she's doing great. She's in like a fantastic committed relationship, and she's suit the same guy that she was with when this is happening. And like the teacher that we're talking about pete another student to slash her boyfriend's tires for seven hundred dollars.
He paid somebody to slash her boyfriend's tires.
Yeah, he paid another student.
That's crazy.
Yeah he didn't he was a gemini too, and like ULTI mentally also, I don't know, he's definitely crazy.
What was what was this guy?
Like?
What did he teach?
So?
He talked algebra two? Like I said, like in the beginning, like he seems like a normal, like you know, chill younger teacher, you know in high school. Like this was like younger teachers who try to like almost fit in with the gudents.
Like he wasn't too much of.
That, but he also wasn't like super hard on us.
Uh huh.
Like he was definitely like a like a very relaxed teacher I can say, and definitely across the line of probably like appropriateness multiple times. But yeah, he taught algebra.
And like I guess in just like on a day to day basis in class, like he just were there was there anything like, well, I guess you already said all the things I was gonna ask, like anything that kind of tipped you off preemptively that he might be uh you know, a fucking you know, doing weird shit.
Yeah, honestly, I definitely think there were like multiple things Like perfect example, I really stuck at math, and like I think towards closer when I started like closer when I was training eighteen, I started noticing like my grade picking up randomly, and I was just like, oh, like that's weird, Like I don't think I got to like that test questions right and stuff and like my answers would be changed, like he essentially we later found out,
was like changing my grades like for the better. Actually, so I guess like that was like something I could have. Yeah, yeah, I don't know.
I really I don't know in this guy's mind, like what like how he thought this would all go down?
Yeah, I have no idea, to be honest with you, like I think he is very delusional, uh huh, like being very confident who was gonna get caught.
How did you feel like family react to all of this?
How did my family? So, Like my twin and I are actually like the youngest of like a lot of girls, like we have five sisters and all, so I feel like when our older sisters found out, they were just more so like, you know, in suprotective mode, like that we're gonna find this guy, like we're gonna help you do this and stuff like that. And so with my mom and I think my parents were super like, you know, we're gonna help you guys through this, like super supportive.
But at the time, like we really were just in a place where we just wanted to ignore it and pretend it didn't happen, Like we were still very much traumatized. So I don't think we were appreciative of it like as we are now like back then. So they definitely were like you know, typical family, like trying to like protect and you know, defend us.
Well, Leila, well listen, I'm glad it sounds like you're, i mean, all this crazy shit, you know, withstanding, it sounds like you're you're living life in good spirits. And I'm happy to hear that you sound like you have a you know, a good uh I guess as as good of an attitude as you can about this whole thing.
Yeah, I like to think, so thank you for recognizing that.
Yeah, for sure. I mean that's a tough thing to do in the face of such a you know, crazy, crazy situation. It's it's yeah, it's good to hear that you and your sister are are you know, living living good lives regardless, And yeah, I don't know. Is there any other kind of aspect of this or anything else that you you you want to say about it or say to the people of the computer before we go.
Yeah, I think first I will say, like if a teacher or someone that you trust that older doing extra attention, sometimes it's not good attention and it's hard to definitely recognize when you're being groomed, but definitely try to be on the lookout. Also, gak like I don't know who's like picking the music for like the whole waiting room. Nothing against it, but it was a little triggering. It was super intense. You should probably ask me to like low vibrational tunes.
You know, people, people listen people. People have told me about the hold music for a while. And here's the thing, I just I don't. I don't know how to change it. I have no idea. I've I've looked at the settings page, I've tried clicking and dragging things, or I have no idea to I have no idea to change it. So you know, I'm just I embraced that which I cannot change, Okay, I can I can.
See why I can understand that, but I completely agree.
Well, thanks for sharing, Leila. Hope you just to continue to do well and have a good night. Man.
Thank you so much for having me. Have a great night.
You two take care.
Heybye.
I don't I don't know if I have any post call thoughts to that one. It was pretty crazy. I mean, I I kind of said what I wanted to say. It sounded like she had a good attitude towards it. It's nice that she feels comfortable talking about it. I'm glad that she's made that development. Fucking we're very strange. I guess that's I don't know anything about the legal system because I'm a guy in a gecko costume. But it's very strange that that guy's not in jail. She
said he had five years probation. I'm also dumb and don't really even know what that means. Does that mean that like he's like, is he just like chilling? Like is he allowed to go to the park and shit? Like, what does that mean? Does he go to jail after five years? I don't know. It's uh, that's weird to me. But but anyway, I don't know. I get. All that matters is that Uhlilah uh is doing good?
Now?
Hello, le Hi, how's it going? It's going good. What's going on with you? Not much?
Just just hanging.
Out, Sean. It says here that, uh, there's a girl at your work who makes out with dogs and you and it makes you uncomfortable.
Very Yeah, it makes everybody uncomfortable pretty much.
All right, Tell me about that. Tell me about that.
Oh yeah, So we'll have like a little functions, like work functions, and we'll hang out and stuff, and some of the guys whom work will bring their dogs, and uh, you know, everyone likes dogs. But she like will play with them and they'll lick her face and she'll like let them lick in her mouth.
Mm hmmm.
And then she'll she'll like suck their tongues and like bite their tongues and they lips. Okay, well, I mean they're dogs, you know, I guess, like, but like she kind of like sees into it and it's kind of weird, you know.
What.
And this is where do you work again?
I'm in like the military. But regardless, like all of the families and stuff will bring their dogs, and she just like any dogs, she'll like try and make.
Out with, you know.
Okay, And so she's like sucking on the dog tongue. Is she like is she like licking the dogs? Is it just the dog mouths and she's just making out with them. She's not like touching the dog's penises and stuff.
No, No, I mean that's that I hope not at least not.
What I I hope not too. That's why I'm asking.
Yeah, it's disgusting. But there's this like one specific like story where like the dog kind of like freaked out about it and didn't like bite her anything. But like I heard one of my other coworkers say that, like they were like the dog was like traumatized almost like he like it was at his house and she was doing her thing with the dog, and the dog like ran away and like was like having the zuomies pretty much.
So she was she was making out with this dog, and then the dog got scared and ran away, and there was like dog trauma.
To me, that's what it sounded like.
Yeah, dude, I don't know. I have no fucking idea. I don't know anything about dog psychology or like what how dogs respond to you know, being Yeah, that's kissing.
Yeah, it kind of makes me wonder like if dogs can speak, you know, like what would they like?
Well, you know, it's interesting and I just I just realized this just now. Dogs don't even make out with each other. Really. Animals don't really kiss each other on the lips really like humans do, really do they?
No, that's true, I don't think so.
I've never seen that, so it's not a natural thing for them.
Right, and this and this girl is kind of feeding into like and feeding into that, you know, like dogs like the licks because they like I think that's I don't know, I don't know why they lick. It's kind of weird, but it's it's another person looking or like sucking a dog's tongue that has been eating shit, you know, Yeah, like you don't know what they do.
Well, I mean you you could say that about making out with a person too, you know.
That's that's true.
But I've never met her, like.
If like if like, if you get a hand job from someone, you don't know where their hand has been, like I've, I've I've there's been plenty of times where I've gotten like shit on my hand. Yeah, just throughout my life. I've never like gotten ship on my hand and then like touched another person with my shi hand. But throughout the you know, however many years my hand has existed, there's been lots of shit on it. Right, And that's true. That's true about most That's probably true
about a lot of people's hands. And yet you still like, you know, shake everyone shake people's hands and get hand jobs. And do all that stuff.
Yeah, so here's here's the thing about that is you wash your hands, you know, dog do dog don't wash their mouth.
They don't.
They don't like brush their own teeth, and they probably like have that bacteria growing inside their mouths for who knows how long before this girl comes along and starts sucking on their mouths.
You know, you ever heard the thing where the dog's mouth is cleaner than the humans?
That is what they say. Huh and thee though I don't think it is, but I mean, what like dog bread smells, you know.
Uh, So, are you gonna do anything about this or are you just kind of you know, freaked out about it?
Kind of like brought it up to her. I was like that it's kind of weird that you do that. And she like defends herself. She's like, I'm just being playful. They like it and and it's fun. Like they they're they're they're just like they like it and they they're being plainful. And I'm like, you don't know if they like it or not. It's weird, Like you're making me uncomfortable. It's not even her dogs. You know, she doesn't even have dogs.
How do you how did how did the owners look at her when when she's making out with their dogs?
Well, they they I don't know what they I don't think they tell her to stop. They don't like tell her to stop or anything. But because she's, like I guess giving them like something to do, they're out of their hair, you know, I guess. So if it was my dog, I wouldn't let my dog around this person, to be honest.
So so you're telling me that you believe that from the owner's perspective, the owner is letting this girl make out with their dog because it gives their dog something to do, and then they don't have to watch their dog because their dog is busy being made out with by this woman.
Pretty much. I mean, I've I've talked to one of them about it, because he was the one that told me that story about his dog in the zoomis and he pretty much like let the dog like run away, and he like put it in the other room for a while, and he said that it was weird. But she, like, you know, she won't stop, like she don't think I think that dog like is afraid of her now, is what he said.
Well, Sean, is there anything else you want to say to other people of the computer before we go.
Wash your hands, Uh, don't fuck other dogs' mouths, and uh have a good.
Day, thanks for calling, of course, have a good one. I was I have. This is fucked up, But you know what, what is sad is that dog like if I like, let's say you were a dog and you really did want to make out with a human woman, there would be no way for you to express that. And so we don't know if dogs like making out with people, but we still villainize it even though we don't know if it's if they like it, which is what, which is, by the way, the right move. I think
that's a good thing to do. I think we should continue to villainize making out with dogs because scenario one, dogs like making out with human people and we villainize it, and the dogs are upset because they don't get to make out with human people. Scenario two, the dogs don't like making out with human women and we don't villainize it, and then the dogs are you know, so I think it's good that we villainize it. I think the risks of not villainizing making out with dogs outweigh the the
pros of doing it. If that makes sense. Let's take another call. Hello, Hello, Hi, oh Hi, what's up. What are you doing?
Oh?
I'm just drinking and playing games like a loser.
What is your name?
Moss? It's not really my name, but I figure it'll work.
Moss. I have a fake name tip for you.
Okay.
The whole point of the fake name is that you play it off like it's your real name. Actually, I guess it's not necessarily true. I forget I said anything. I don't know anything about anything.
I don't know.
I don't know shit. Uh okay, Okay, what's going on with you today, Moss?
Just another day of you know, bomb, another day of what being a bomb?
Just yeah, Well, Moss, it says here that you feel as that you're addicted to buying a coworker, You have a crush on stuff, and you you claim that you have bought him at least three hundred dollars worth of stuff.
Yeah, yeah, that's that's true.
Okay. What kinds of stuff are you buying for for this coworker?
Well, he's a.
Video game collector, so I'm getting him video game consoles, games that are resold for a higher price at resale shops that kind of thing.
Yeah, okay, and how has he been responding to these gifts?
Just verbal?
Hey thanks, maybe a pat on the shoulder, but uh, nothing like physical and returned or anything like that.
Okay, why do you feel like you are buying him these gifts?
Yeah, I'm worried that I'm like doing it to why his affection when I also feel like I just enjoy giving stuff, but my giving is targeted towards him.
And not just giving in general.
So that's why I feel like I'm it's more selfish than anything altruistic.
Okay, you feel as though you're trying to buy his affection? Yeah, is this something you've ever done in the past? I think so, Okay, why do you feel like, you know, if this is something you haven't done in the past, why do you feel like, because you know, I assume you've had crushes in the past, and you've looked, you know, liked people in the past, why do you feel like, all of a sudden, this is how you're you know, responding to this crush.
Well, the thing is like, I've never really had a crush before. I guess growing up, I'm like didn't really seek a lot of connections with people, and then for some reason late in college, I'm all of a sudden like wanting to be friends and actually developed feelings for other people. And I guess, since I have a lack of experience with this whole crush thing, I'm just resorting to the buy things way because that's all I know, I guess.
Yeah, Okay, And uh, how like long have you been buying some gifts for?
I say, since September, so a couple months.
Here, Okay, So I mean, aside from just buying gifts, have you like told him that you like him and asked him if he wants to go out with you or or or made any kind of direct move? Uh like this?
Well, we were having a conversation once and he said he doesn't date coworkers, So I'm pretty sure that was an indirect rejection.
Okay, at least that's how I took it.
Okay, M Why do you feel like buying him things was the best way to get his attention?
Maybe I'm like insecure in my own personality to attract him and get his attention, And that's fine.
It's just easier then, like the way to build a relationship. I guess instead, of just talking in general, because I'm not that good at talking either.
Have you ever had a boyfriend before or been in a relationship? No?
Nice?
Okay, by the way, nothing wrong with that. Do you have a lot of friends? No? Okay? Have you had friends really much at all throughout your life?
A few in high school, but that's about it.
Okay. So you say that you feel like you're not confident in yourself enough to sort of have a normal conversation with this guy, and so you've kind of you know that meme of like the kid who's walking up steps and he just like takes his leg and puts it like a a bunch of other steps. You're like doing that but with buying gifts.
But what steps am I missing?
What steps are you missing? Well, let's let's go back to this, like where do you feel as though you are like in your mind? Where do you feel as though you're you're lacking in your ability to have conversations with other people?
Like?
What? What? What do you feel as insufficient about yourself in your own mind?
I would say probably just talking in general.
I'm like, I mesh words together and improv is not my thing. If I have to talk on the spot.
I just slimsy.
My words use a lot of filler and I'm not very clear, So I just have bad speech skills.
I guess.
Mm hmm.
And has this been a thing for for a long time?
Yeah, mm hm.
Hmmm. Let me ask you a question, do you have a real therapist?
I used to, but I didn't need to get back to.
Doing that.
When you brought this up with them, what kinds of things would they tell you?
Oh, I haven't had a therapist in the hot minute now, so I haven't talked to a professional about this.
M hm.
See, it's it's interesting and it's interesting to me too, because, like, I mean, we're having a conversation right now, and you've given me a lot of infom we we've I would say you, this has been a successful conversation so far. How in whatever rubric you would use, did you just success of a conversation? And you say you're not good at improv you're not good at expressing yourself, but yet you have been able to express yourself pretty well over
the course of our conversation. And so it's kind of making me think, like, there's this weird thing and I fall victim to it too. Where you like build up these uh I think they're called schemas in your mind about yourself. You know, shit like I'm not good at talking to people, or I'm not good at this, or or even I am good at this and whatnot. And then like your reality and your schemas of yourself or no,
those schemas they blind you from reality. So because you've built up in your head, perhaps over the course of several years, this idea of who you are and how you act your your it like blinds you to any kind of reality that people who are just meeting you for the first time, they don't see you through the lens of the ideas that you've built up about yourself, and so they don't look at you and go, this person hasn't it not to talk? You know, they see
you for, in a sense, what you are. And so the process of getting you to see yourself as what you are is a law. It becomes a long and arduous one because you're unraveling years and years and years of ideas that you've built up about yourself. We're obviously not gonna be able to do that over the course
of this call. Because I am a real therapist I'm a guy in a gecko costume and be you know, it sounds like you spent many years, you know, building up this this image of yourself, And so I think that the goal then becomes, how do we remove this negative image you have of yourself and then replace it with a more positive one. And I don't know, that's probably some of the ship that they teach you in that school where they like, you know, teach you shit
about how that kind of be a real therapist. But I guess I would say, like if you can think, if, if, if, if there could be one central thought that you have that you know, hopefully you walk away from this from you walk away from this with, is that you, even though it's weird, even though you know yourself more intimately than anyone else does, you can't always trust your own
image of yourself. So when you think of yourself as being unable to talk to people, or of being awkward, or of being any of these things, you can't trust those thoughts. And then when you do trust those thoughts, they also become like these self fulfilling prophecies. You think of yourself as these things, and then you become those things. But if you stopped at the beginning, and you didn't
trust these thoughts that you had of yourself. Then you become this new thing, this blank slate that can be written in any way that you choose. So I don't know, think about think about that. I guess instead of buying this guy in Xbox by yourself, a goddamn xbox, you deserve it. And you know, another thing is like, can
I tell you just one one more thing? Even if this is something I've talked about in this podcast a lot, I haven't talked I haven't been streaming for uh many times for many weeks, so I've forgotten about all this shit. But see, the thing is is that when it comes to matters like these, even if you could successfully purchase via ataris wait, he says he likes retro stuff. Via ataris this man's affection, it would be worthless to you.
In fact, everyone's validation of you, good or bad, by the way, is a worthless thing, because it's it's they're the They're un there. They're in the in.
The building of the foundation of your image of yourself, other people's ideas of you.
They're bricks made out of sand. They they work for a little bit, but they're ultimately unsustainable to building a solid foundation, whether they're good or bad, So don't trust them and try to, you know, build something from within. What do you think about all of that? What's your name again? Mass? What do you think about all that? Mass?
It is definitely arguous, a long path, and.
Sometimes I resort to the easier way of, oh, I just take myself. I don't deserve a chance to love myself, but it is definitely worth building a clean slate for myself and getting value through me instead of other people, especially through externals.
Mm hmm, yeah. Yeah. And if I don't, don't beat yourself up for you know, this whole buying, this whole whatever, because what I don't, what I don't want you to do, is be like, oh, I'm a fucking you know, loser. I spent all this money about it, because you're not gonna get anywhere doing that, you know, don't, don't. Don't. The process of doing all this ship that we just talked about is one that a lot of people are
going through and they make a lot of mistakes. So, you know, don't beat yourself up for any mistakes you make along the way, including buying some guy an xbox, Moss, is there anything else you want to say to the people the computer before you go? Uh?
Well, I hope you had a good time in Japan, and uh I did all you people out there? I guess if you're gonna buy some dude to PlayStation, buy yourself a PlayStation, buy.
Yourself a PlayStation. I like that. This episode is sponsored by UH buy Nothing. Thank you for calling Moss, Yeah, thank you for your time. Hello, Hi, Hi, how are you doing doing all right? How are you.
Doing all right?
Well?
Not really?
But why why?
Not?
Really?
So it's not like I just figured this out, but for my whole life, I've figured out that I've been extremely hateful.
What do you like?
I'm sorry? Good?
No, no, you please go ahead give me the top line of of why you feel like you are you are hateful?
Well, I can give you a good example for today. I came home. Something else happened that I you know, I'll probably go into but I came home. My mom asked me out of my parents are twenty six? Uh mom asked me, hey, you know, do you want any dinner? And I appreci needed to basically tell her that I don't. I don't want anything and just sort of of fuck off.
Okay, so your mom, you came home, your mom asked you if you want any food, and then you told her to fuck off? Oh yeah, okay, yeah, okay, So in that moment, what do you feel like was compelling your anger? Because I mean, this is like maybe cliche shit, but I think we both know that in that moment, you are not actually upset at your mom, but like you're upset something else and you have this like opportunity
to unleash the anger. It's like you're taking your shit and you're not going to hold it in, and you finally let it out and you diarrhea on your mom. Why do you what made you want to diarrhea on your mom?
Basically come to the realization that just a piece of shit. Now i'd say that because well you know that was a good reason, but that it was not the first time Okay, it happened for the past in six seven years.
Okay, Well before you just say you're a piece of shit, I mean it's not with you know, I just want you to recognize that, however true or false, you may feel like that is it. It is unhelpful information, Some unhelpful declaration because we can't go anywhere from it. You're a piece of shit, okay, now what You're just a piece of shit forever and ever. There's no way for you to, you know, start living your life better or
anything like that. So you know, let's not throw ourselves into a dead end by just saying you're a piece of ship. So tell me, and we don't. We're not going to get into all seven years of this right now, but tell me just today, in that moment when you were yelling at your mom, what was compelling you to do that?
So I've been in this relationship with this girl for really long, and within that time and before it, I used to be even worse and I will manage to work myself to be better. But I was doing it everywhere else except for in the relationship, okay, and then today I in a ten minute phone call, I managed to completely just destroy it and end it. And that, you know, it is probably why I had diarrhea on my mom.
So you were taking out anger from that relationship ending on your mom. Yes, okay, let me ask you a quick question. Have you been to real therapy to talk about this?
I have so back back in elementary I used to bully people so hard that they forced me to go into therapy.
Okay, and this was back in elementary school. Is this I mean, you're what twenty six now, I'm twenty six now, yeah, okay? And are you in therapy as an adult?
As an adult now?
Okay? Have you ever been in a situation where you've talked to a real therapist about this issue?
M this specific issue? Now?
Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna tell you this because I've been thinking about this and I've been try to be more respond responsible. I I'm definitely down to talk to you about this issue. I don't know what's up, but you should go to a real therapist to talk about this after we talk, because it sounds like you might have and I'm not gonna I don't know. I'm a guy in a costume on the internet, but you might
have some you know, genuine personality disorder. If this has been a thing that's been persisting, I'm not the guy who's gonna be able to tell you that definitively, so I think you should figure that out. But okay, that aside, So he said this has been a thing for the past seven years.
Yes, it's it's it's scaled up in the past seven years, not like super extreme, but noticeably.
Okay, you told me just now you were like this. You said this was something you've been working on and that you were able to kind of improve it in every aspect of your life except for in your relationship. Is that what you said? Okay, yeah, tell me what that improvement looked like.
Uh, the improvement looked like going into work, creating a good relationship with everybody there. Uh. You know, when I make a mistake at work, I wasn't you know, getting mad at myself and you know, basically getting angry in the corner. I was able to, like normal citizens around where I live. I was able to establish good relationships with them, you know, even in driving, like people you know, tending to get real bridge a lot, and I had completely cut that out. What else.
I mean?
Meanly, all I can say is just the interactions I have with other people have improved. Would I say that it improved in my home? Maybe for a couple of years.
Okay, So if you get granular with me for a second, you say that the relationships you have with other people just strangers, not necessarily people. You have intimate relationships with like like people you have romantic relationships with, or your family or your friends, but just like starting with folks you encounter around town and you say the relationships have gotten better, Like, can I get like specific details of ways in which you feel like they've gotten better?
Okay, So there was a guy down the block for me and I used to hang out with this this I don't know what you want to call him a hooligan, okay, you know he was affiliated with people. And I was on my large dirt bike riding around town on the street. Now I didn't have a license play on or anything. And my folgan friend was on a small mop head and the guy down the street came over to my house because he saw us riding and was basically yelling at my dad because of what he was writing and
not what I was writing. And we were basically able to, you know, calm him down and say, hey, you know, I'm sorry for doing that. You know, I know what's wrong. I don't have a license for it. And then after after that, you know, I used to I would go over to his house and help him with like yard work, you help him fix his house, you know, my my parents would would make food for me to take over
to them, and kind of didn't. It kind of went from I mean even before that, you know, we were we're reckless around town, and even before that, uh, it wasn't Okay, you.
Do you still have Do you still hang out with this uh as you describe him hooligan friend?
No, he is in jail.
Okay, See what's your name, Charles? What else does your life look like?
Now?
What do you What do you do for work?
So?
What I do for work right now? Is I work as a machinist at a yacht a fishing yacht manufacturer.
Okay? Are you happy doing that? Mm?
It's it's easy work because I know it, but it's not paying me very nicely.
Do you have an idea, even it's hard to get the full picture, but an idea of what you think would make you feel more fulfilled or happy in life?
I think I got to put myself in a situation where I have to only depend on myself and not come home to two people that are ready to basically serve me.
Okay.
And I would also like to make more money.
Okay, do you make enough money now for you to move out of your parents house.
No I don't, okay, which is crazy because I get paid good hourly.
Yeah are they now? Is the job not giving you enough hours? Or no, you're not making enough mon name of any parents.
So I went in at like I moderately low pay. They do like one dollar to two dollar raises if you're really lucky once a year, and then after five years you have to wait three years to get a one dollar raise. So I went. I went from I don't mind talking about money. I went from eighteen fifty three years later, I'm now at twenty four dollars. So I've gotten larger raises, but in two more years, I'm still not going to be able to buy a house or even afford a nice car.
Okay, what about moving out and getting like you know, into a spot with like three other dudes in a house as a roommate. Do you have enough to afford that?
I would have enough to afford that. I just don't know any people who are in the position to move out being single.
Okay, Well, I mean I don't know. Man. I got a couple of thoughts about this. Uh and again this is you know, I still think that if if you're what you're experiencing does seem like it's it's a serious issue that's been persistent and you should totally go and
get a professional's opinion on this. But I mean, if you're not happy with your life and everyone and everyone has like you know, everyone has aspects of their life even if things are going great, or like you know, days where they get upset and angry and like you know,
maybe lose control over their anger and whatnot. But if on a top line, you're not happy with what's going on with you, you know, you're just gonna be pissed off all the time, and that's gonna, you know, give you that diarrhea that you then you know, give to your mother. And so I think, you know what I what's giving me hope about you from you know, the ten minutes I've been talking to you, is that you seem very calm, You seem very collected, you seem very to the point
about this is my issue. I know it is an issue. Here's my vague ideas of how I'm going to fix this issue. And that's a good place to start. Tell me about your girlfriend. You just broke up with her?
Uh yeah, well we've been broken up for probably the past two and a half months, consistently before that, like two.
Or three times, okay, because I feel like, and again I don't want to tell you what to do with your life, but I feel like if you have this persistent anger issue that caused you to lash out at people, it wouldn't be fair to her to keep being in a relationship with her until you really, honestly feel like you've resolved that problem.
Right now, I agree with you, but I just don't. I just I think it's just too far gone right now?
What do you mean by too far gone?
Hmmm, Like so many things have happened that have been my fault that there's just there's no chance that any sane person in their mind would ever think about, oh well, this won't happen again.
So okay, okay, you know what. I think it's good that you know that. I think you might have to just accept that. And I don't think it is the crushing end of the world, because if you're like, Okay, I did things in this relationship where nobody in the right mind would forgive me afterwards or feel as though this would not change, I think it's good for you to now have this singular focused mindset towards Okay, I
can't be in a relationship right now. I just need to focus one hundred percent on doing the things I need to do to fix this about myself, because I can't sustainably live life being the way that I'm being. And you can do that by going to therapy, identifying the things in your life that you have the ability to change that can make it better so you're not miserable all the time and taking that misery out on
other people. And I understand that you're seem as though you're you're kind of mourning the loss of this relationship, but look, if you truly love this person, I think you'll understand that it's not fair for her to be dealing with you before you've even dealt with yourself, and so you'd be you'd be smart to let that go and just focus one hundred on figuring out your shit, which again from I don't I don't know you and I don't you know, but about from the way that
you've presented yourself to us on the phone, it seems like you have a good foundation of awareness of what you're fucking up on to begin down that journey of fixing it. That's that's what I get off of what you've told me.
Oh and actually I remember I have been to therapy recently as quote unquote adult. It depends on what you think as adult. I was like seventeen, I got caught what we I got caught with a smoking a weed from my buddies, and the school made me go to therapy for, you know, to get off of weed. And in those therapy sessions, he put he said exactly what you what you were saying right now, you know how you know you're saying, how you were, how I carry
myself and how I presented myself over the phone. And that only lasted ship maybe three weeks.
Mm hmm.
At that point, I was I was at an okay point in my life.
Uh.
But then the very next well the next four months after that, I had gotten arrested for some serious first group feildings.
Okay, tell them before we just before we go, Charles, do you have an idea of what your next step is going to be after this too? Like, what what's your next step on the path of dealing with this?
I guess I'm just going to focus on my career. Uh, maybe a career change. I did go in today and ask if they had other opportunities elsewhere. I asked for a cudo training. Uh. They were of has shown the idea and said that they would make an offer to me to stay in the machine shop. So I will see what happens with that. Other than that, I don't really I don't really know. I kind of just kind of just you know, I don't really believe in myself.
M hm m hm. This is Charles. I'm gonna say. I think you should. I think you should consider going back to real therapy. I think they would be able to help you with this. I've said it already, which is that I think you have a self awareness of this issue enough that I do believe that from from what I understand of you, I believe in your ability to go from that foundation of awareness to making steps
to fix your problems. I hope that's worth something. Is there anything else before we go that you want to say or to the people of the computer or to me, or about any of this.
Uh, what you do is really cool.
Thanks man.
Yeah wish I wish I could do the same, But yeah.
You'll find your thing. Man, You're still very young, and I still feel as though you know you're sitting on a good foundation to be better in the future. Right, I'll talk to you soon, Charles, Thank you man. All right, man, I really started this just like a fucking screwing around and a Gecko costume on Reddit, and now I like, really am sitting here pretending to be a therapist. I just noticed that at the end of that twenty minutes, I was like, damn, I really like out here pretending
to be a therapist and getting into it. I enjoyed having that conversation with Charles, and I did want to help him in that moment. That was a tough thing because the whole I remember what I said at the very beginning, where he was like, I'm an asshole, and it's like I don't like that. However, however true it is of something like that. It's like, well, how do we optimize something for a person to get better and be a productive member of society for themselves? And I
think to forego the labeling and just go listen. Can't change the past, but can work towards something more productive for the future. I think pretty much everyone can do that, and I'm hoping that Charles finds his laying see here I am. I'm fucking around trying to say therapist shit in this gecko costume. I'm doing the best I can, Folks, I'm trying. Neverly goes on the line taking your phone calls every night.
Never Deacon goes doing to ride.
Who's teaching you aloud in your life?
But he's not really an expert.