“I GOT SOBER TO YO-YO”

Hello, listeners of the Therapy Gecko podcast. Welcome. My name is Lyle. I'm a gecko human guy thing person. I'm a man. I'm in a gecko suit. It's really hot. I'm in a park in New York City. There's a lot of people around this park, and I want to talk to them. I want to get lost in conversation. I need to exit my own brain. I need to be in life. I need to be I'm attempting to get into the flow state today by talking to people about their lives. So this is going to be a

Archie?

Archie. Nice to meet you, Archie. That's your day going. Things are good? Things are good, very nice. Why are things good?

I don't know.

I think things have are very stable, things are serene, things are predictable, things are easy.

Have they always been that way?

No?

I'm so please please hit me, so things are hold on. I just want to recount they were there, stable, serene, and predictable, and they were not always this way.

Yeah, yeah, well I think I guess what do I think there's several reasons why they haven't always been this way. First off, I'm just entering a point in my life where, you know, I have like a job that's like a career job, so I'm like working on that great and like showing up to work every like showing up to work and just sort of being a worker and enjoying

Interesting, And uh, what how did that change?

How did that change?

Like did you just gotta you just got a job that's more predictable?

Well, I think, okay, So there's like I I got sober four years ago, So I guess that was like one of the first things that like sort of was like a bid to make my life more stable.

What it inspired you to get sober?

Uh?

Mainly because I was gonna die. Yeah, I was like pretty sure I was gonna die, either from drugs or just killing myself.

Yeah, something like that.

Can I ask what drugs? You were addicted to a whole.

Lot of things most most of everything, uh, but primarily like and means, uh, loved ketamine, loved drinking, Yeah, love smoking weed.

What were you and you're now you're you're gone from all those you don't smoke, you don't drink, you know, And were you like trying to get away from something?

I think I well, I mean getting away from myself. My friend actually sent me something recently that's like the addict, Like the addict lives away from oneself. Yeah, so I was completely empty internally, because my entire life has just been just bids to try to get away from what it's like being inside of myself.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I said some There was a kid who just sat down before you and uh, he was like, how you doing? And I was like, I'm gonna tell him the truth, and I was like, I just went in to buy a Nintendo Switch to feel something.

Yeah.

And then I was like, does that ever happen to you? And he was like nah, he walked away, and I was like, oh, I think I was doing that to try to get away from myself. I mean I've done that with like drugs too. But I was like, yeah, I'm just always I'm familiar with the idea of like you're trying to get away from yourself in some sense, and then you want to try to make what's the what's the process for you been like off trying to make your brain a place where you don't want to get away from.

I think, you know, it's I think part of it's my environment, like figuring out, like you know, what what do I really like what makes me whole? What are the things in my life that like I need to like feel complete and for me that's like I'm an extrovert. I love being around people. I charge around people. So I think that's one thing that I like try my best to like make attempts to like constantly feed that

What are those things?

Let's see, I'm a professional yoyaer, so yeah, it's my favorite thing in the world. I love to yo yo, I love yoyo wing. And that's just something that like sort of in a very uncontroversial, easy way makes me happy.

Yeah, yeah, oh I love that. I love that so much. So was it hard getting sober? Uh?

I think the uh getting sober was hard. Staying sober has been harder. Yeah, yeah, I think staying sober is a lot of maintenance. And it's a lot of things that I'm not always especially when things are like fine. It's just things that I'm not always like super inclined to do.

Like what.

Without getting too into the details of what I do, I think, you know, like there's a lot of things like, uh, I'm trying not to like break my animinity on a very specific thing, but uh.

I do appreciate.

I have to, like, you know, keep in touch with people who are part of my support system, which is something I'm not always like inclined to do. If things are going well, I have to like make sure that

I'm twenty three years old.

Cool, and so you got sober when you were in nineteen.

I got sober when I was nineteen, and.

Yeah, so you were mainly like in your addiction phase when you were like a kid.

Yeah.

No, I started using when I was like thirteen fourteen, and then things got bad around sixteen. And you know, like I am that, I am someone who like crashes very quickly, So I knew I was an addict probably by the time I was fifteen years old, and like was like very aware of that fact about myself and my my dad's been sober for years, so I've just been sort of always aware of the fact that like drug addiction and getting sober is something that I either would deal with or just have to do at some

And so what's your what's kind of your dreams for the future? Man?

What are my dreams for the future. Well, there's like big dreams and small dreams, right, And I'm trying to like let go of the idea of like you see, I don't know what my life's going to be. I don't really want to know what my life's gonna be. I've completely bought out of I've fired myself as like the arbiter of my own future. Sure, I just want to be a person who helps other people. I want to be kind to other people and whatever that leads me to whatever vehicle in my life that allows me

Yeah, so great, do you have like a like can people follow you if they want to see your yo yo?

Yeah?

They can.

My instagram is a finite wizard, so like a wizard with limited capabilities.

The finite wizard.

Finite wizard. Yeah, not that, but just finite finite wizard, yeah wizard.

And how did you get into yo yo ing? I feel that's very niche.

Yeah, okay. I got into yo ing when I was twelve years old. I my little brother like got one, and I like picked it up and I was like, oh, this is kind of cool. And I looked it up on YouTube and I saw this yoyo er named Andrew Mader, who was the second best yoyoer in the United States

Now, what do you think about I have you ever seen the yo yo ball?

The yo yo ball?

Yeah?

How what do you feel about?

Yoyo ball?

Is bullshit? Fake ass?

Yo yo, fake ass yo yo, get a real yo yo, learn some tricks.

Yeah.

When I was a kid, I used to love the yoyo ball because it's like the yo yo, but it's like it's like if a yo at training wheel.

Yes, no, exactly, exactly yeah. Yeah.

Now do you have like a particular color of yoyo that you like or do you like the like what is it? What's the word for it? The ones that you went yo? You know, the shit you scratch and it makes like a DJ sound.

Yeah, like, uh, well, there's the one I have.

So I have a signature colorway of a yo yo that's just silver with kiss prints on it. Cool, but I like on stage, I like using raw yo yo's or like silver yoyo's like raw analyzed because I think it looks really good. But otherwise I like using like I just like any color that's pretty. I don't like anything too busy. I like things that are simple but also pretty. My friend Remy made a yoyo with like that looks like an Italian espresso machine with like red caps and stuff.

It's cool.

Yeah, cool, cool, cool man, that's awesome. So so you work as as an addiction counselor yes, I do. What kinds of things do you do to kind of help other people who are dealing with what you deal with?

So my job, like ninety percent of my job is so I work at at a pretty low level position. I sort of just started my job sort of. I'm like a concierge for people that live in a sober living home. So my job is just to sort of help people on like a day to day basis, whether it's like, you know, just the nuts and bold stuff like handing out medication, you know, like conducting your an analysis tests all that stuff, making sure that the clients

That feels so nice.

Yeah we're getting hit by a little wave of a win from the fountain.

Yeah yeah, yeah.

Community is really important. I mean, that's why like AA and all that stuff is very popular. Were you ever into any of those things?

Yeah?

No, I guess I'll just say I attend to A frequently. It's like a super helpful program for me. It's like how I found the community that like help's where I found a lot of good friends. It's where I've found this sort of like guidebook to what helps me stay sober one day at a time.

What is the like, do you follow the twelve steps?

I do, follow the twelve steps. I've done the twelve steps. I take guys through the twelve steps. Yeah, what do you?

Uh uh?

What are the twelve steps?

The twelve steps are essentially a loose collection of suggestions designed to basically like give someone like a rubric for like what they need to do to like make a like start sustained change in their life. So it starts with it's sort of none of them. It's not actually AA's own thing, like it sort of is like a mishmash of like things from various religions and various different sort of like spiritual movements up until the nineteen thirties.

But well, you're allowed to say you're in it.

I'm allowed to say him in it.

Yeah, no, I am, But like you know, I just I think part of it is that, like I'd never want to be a spokesperson for something that like, uh, well I view you right.

Now as being a spokesperson for yourself.

Yeah, I am, And AA works for me. It has been the best thing ever for me. It's awesome. Yeah, it's I've met some people who it doesn't work for and they have great sobriety and have been able to find perfect lights.

But for me, it's been like the best thing that's ever happened.

I mean, that's really awesome. Yeah, so great. And I I noticed you got a homie here. Who's Who's Who's this good?

This is my buddy, Caleb Seneca. What's up?

Very nice Caleb. How do you guys know each other?

Me and Caleb met on a modeling set three years ago. Yeah, okay, and we fell off for two of those years, and then we reconnected when we moved back into the city, and uh we've been locked in ever since.

You're still a model uh here and there.

It's like my it's like a it's like a thing I keep on the back burner always.

I enjoy the.

Job, it doesn't add too much stress to my life. I'm apparently can still do it, so I enjoy it. But that's not like my main thing I enjoy.

So you said that, like, yeah, that life is very stable now in a way that it didn't used to be. How are you enjoying that stability compared to what I assume used to be a more chaotic way of living.

So, if I think of my life's sort of goal and purpose to be as helpful as possible to other people, when my life is stable, there's a lot less I need to focus on. Like I'm not like constantly in like in like need to fix everything mode with myself. I need to just kind of like you know, like uh let things, you know, I can like let things sort of like work on their own in my own life, and that allows me to like be of service to

In what ways do you try to show up for other people?

I mean, I think so like my job obviously is some level of showing up for other people, but that also I'm paid for it, so that doesn't feel necessarily like the same thing. But I think something as simple as like, uh, I like so I in the yo yoing community recently, I decided it'd be cool if I like helped yooers pick out their outfits for when they go on stage, like if there's like a big like competitive aspect to it, and like that's been a really cool process and it's a sort of like a dumb thing.

But also just like.

I think there's a lot of small things that I try to do, whether it's just like being there to be just like a sounding board for my friends, or being someone as simple as like if I'm able to do something that my friend maybe can't do or is in a position where like he just like physically can't

Archie, Archie. You've You've inspired me today.

Thank you very much.

I appreciate I'm inspired by the positive outlook you have on on on life and on yourself. And uh, I'm gonna try to take that with me beyond this conversation.

I appreciate it. Man, Thank you very much for anything else.

Do you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

Let's see, Uh, you know, like today's beautiful day, every day live, one day at a time. I don't know, like that's the best way to do it live, one day at a time. I appreciate it. Man, Thank you so much.

Chie'll see you around the universe.

I see around the universe, dude, Thank you.

Bye, Acchie. That was a good conversation. I enjoyed. Uh. I enjoyed talking to him. I don't know if we're trying to think if I have any post interview thoughts, but uh, yeah, I was inspired by his message. I love a good life transformation. I love a good before and after, and I love that he's you know, keeping on keeping on. Oh Hey, what's your name, man, James, James. Nice to meet you. What's up? James? Has life going? It's going well? Actually, yeah, tell me? Why tell me more.

I went out last night in Brooklyn.

It was fine.

Yeah, what did you get? Totally totally wasting. I was having a good time, okay around.

Yeah, we're filming a video for this dude's music.

Wait you're oh, you're filming a video for which guy?

This is Jack?

Yeah?

Oh?

This guy?

Oh?

What kind of music does he make?

Pop?

And you want to tell you want to talk about your music? You said, think justin Timberlake and Perell. Okay, what and so how do you know this guy through him? Okay, my favorite. Just hold the mic.

He's my childhood best friend.

Oh okay.

These are his friends from college. And I know was this in the city and he was like, Yo, you're in the city. Come come till we're gonna.

See this music video.

So what's the video about.

It's gonna be for his song. It's gonna be promoting for a song.

Oh okay, okay, Jack, do you want to come talk? Yeah, have a have a talk. Come, I have a seat, we'll have the we'll have the We'll love the man himself.

Talk.

Nice to meet you, sir.

Yo.

What's up?

Man?

What's your name?

My name is Jack?

Jack.

Nice to meet Oh Jack, youman favorite? Just hold the mic. Out of there we go. What's up? Jack has life? So you got a whole, You got a whole You're you got a whole entourage.

Man, we gotta we kind of put it team together.

Yeah what so who's who all is in the team? Who are these guys?

Uh?

You know, I'll make music. He makes it with me as Zan Jake. So I like social media kind of head guy Rocco's photography and co director.

You got a social media guy, You got a you got a Roco on the team.

Yeah, it's on me a long time to find somebody named Roco.

But how did you build this whole entourage?

Fell together? Okay, I guess I don't know.

And how long have you been making music?

For?

As long as I can remember? Probably started it around like twelve thirteen.

Very nice, very nice? And how's how's the lifestyle?

I'm exhausted. I live in Philly and I commute to New York every day.

Oh really, wait, why do you commute to New York every day?

I worked?

I worked the studio job for a long time. Okay, got a second job. I teach music in Brooklyn.

Now, oh so nice.

So now I'm moving up here in about eight days.

Philly is a great city.

Man.

He used to live in Philly. You used to live in Philly, Philly. I used to live in North Philly. I went to college at Temple University.

Oh damn. We went to Drexel.

Yeah, oh you went to Drexel. Okay, so you're in there more than Debt, dude. Drexel is so expensive. It's more expensive than like the IVY leagues.

It's crazy. And my program director is still talking about budget cuts to me.

But so what is this video about today?

Colors, bright colors, outside.

Fun?

What what inspires your music?

I just like dancing, and I feel like people don't play the kind of music that I like dancing to. And it feels like we kind of used to have a different vibe going on. A lot of people are trying to bring back what's going on with like you know, early two thousands hip hop R and B Phurrel Neptune's kind of production, and that's the same thing we're doing.

Okay, So you're trying to make So you're making the kind of music that I danced to at my bar mitzvah kind of a thing.

That you know what, I'm gonna go with that?

I like, well, no, you know what I mean, Like like like I got a feeling like you're doing that.

I don't know less will I am or uh usher all right, justin Timberlake, Okay, I don't know something like that.

So why why were you commuting for so long instead of just moving?

Uh?

Because my rent was about to triple just for moving here.

Yeah, unfortunately, but you got all these guys. You're not living with these guys.

Oh, they're they're all aside from the Rocco unit, they're all from Philly, so that we're moving. They all came up on the train this morning.

Couldn't you guys all? I feel like, can't you guys all just get one like giant ass place and each pay like seven hundred or something.

You know, I'm trying to work them into it. They keep trying to tellbody they want to finish their degree.

But man, are you guys? You guys should drop out dream you're only young ones.

I'm trying to say, yeah, he graduated though, so I can't talk okay, And are you the only What are your contemporaries doing?

What are your what are you peers doing?

What are my peers doing?

Yeah?

I got a roommate that works at Lockheed Martin full time.

Now, okay, so you gotta make a living somehow.

I don't know he's making he's making a living off the bombs.

Very nice? Has a how's your love life going?

Oh, I'm I'm a flying solo. I guess I don't know.

Have you?

I feel like just but just like, I don't know. You're like a cool rapper guy?

Do you not?

Does everyone not like is are there not a line of people in love with you?

I would I would think going to a bar and saying, hey, i'm a i'm a I'm ake I make beats, I make music might not exactly be my my best my best line being honest. Perhaps I've I've been told I've been giving negative reviews. Wait tell me, have you have you tried that? Have you been at have you been at a bar? And you're like, oh, I make music. No, It's more often, like I don't know, It's more often somebody will kind of drag me into something.

It's like, oh, dude, do I talk to him? He makes music?

Should have a ball I have to pick up now?

Sure?

Sure, sure, But that's but that's the best of both worlds, right because you get to brag, but you also get to be humble.

Is it bragging if it's like my third and fourth job?

I think so?

Oh yeah, I think so. I think that the fact that you are doing something is inherently in and of itself worth worth value. I appreciate that depending on whether I mean not not necessarily dependent on whether or not you make money off of it.

Fair I appreciate that. Yeah, I agree, Yeah, don't know. I'm not making money off YouTube for Spotify, I'll tell you that. So are you all for the love of it at this point?

Are you going to miss Philadelphia?

Oh my god? Yeah, it's so much fun it is. I grew up in Houston, so like, I've been in the Northeast for like five years, and yeah, Philadelphia's got so much character. I'm gonna miss it a lot. I you know, beer tastes different in Philly.

I think, yeah, they got the city wise, they don't really have a citywise.

Yeah, that's my thing.

The citywide is the beer. No, it's it's the shot and then the beer. Yeah special. Yeah, and they'll do I don't know, little themes to it. So look Corona tequila whatever.

Yeah, yeah, I don't know.

Oh, it's fun.

I like it.

What's what's next for you?

Man?

After your after after this music video?

Uh, I gotta get back home because I gotta move. I'm trying to get approved in an apartment and then I'm moving.

Up your solo that because do you know anyone else here?

I know a couple of people, but they all got their own arrangements and nobody wants to live where I want to live.

So where do you want where you're gonna live.

I'm gonna be in Brooklyn, Okay, well, Bushwick probably Bedstark, that's.

Why that's that's around where I'm at bedsty Dang. Man, there's a bunch of cicadas flying by all the time.

So you're looking for a roommates.

Oh, I already live in a place. But if not, you know you're supposed to come. I'll come over. We can share a fridge, Okay. I can have some of the food that you put in your fridge sometimes and then you can have my You have some of the food. I have some saracha sauce. That's all. It's in my fridge. Man, my fridge is if you look, two beers and a fridge. No, not too, it's two beers and a uh and sacha. So yeah, this guy just laughed a lot. Oh thanks that guy. You know that guy is over there.

You got big fans.

Well, what's your name again?

Jack?

Jack?

Jack? What?

Uh uh?

Jack?

Give me something for the universe, man, Something for the universe. Mean something for the universe. You're an artist. You make music. Give us some hope, give us something.

For the universe. For the universe, it's crazy where the Epstein files?

Jack?

Is that your name?

Right?

Sorry, I'm horrible names. My brain well, my brain is melting. But Jack, very nice to meet you. I'll see you around the universe. And good luck, brother, I'll be checking out you. You can plug yourself if you want.

My name is Jack Iris. I'll make music. I'm from Texas. Uh if you like, you don't have to call about usher and for h listen to me. Cool.

That's it, beautiful. Nice to meet you, man, see you around the universe later on letter on good luck. I'll see you guys of course. Bye, guys here, have a seat. What's your name? Man, My name is Jason. Jason. What's up, Jason? Okay, Jason. Before you sat down, you said I got a lot to say. I have a lot of resentments.

Now I just feel like anything you ask me, I gotta answer for.

You don't have to do anything. This is a public park.

Oh you ask me anything, I gotta answer.

Okay, what do you have resentments for?

It?

You mentioned having resentments?

Do I have resentments? Yeah? I think they left. They left. I'm alright, I'm alright. Sometimes they come and they go, you know.

Yeah, I'm just like over here wandering around west for not much going on, riding my bike everywhere.

Yeah what so the resentments they come and they go yeah yeah yeah, it's like a cycle.

Yeah no, I'm matter of fact, shout out to the family court. What is family court is where they decide you can see your kid or not?

Okay?

Yeah yeah, and they like always pick the woman. It's like really unfair over there?

Is that what you don't have to talk about if you don't want it, you know I.

Could talk about it. Yeah yeah, I'm like dealing with that. They got me on child support and then the girl she wants they garnished in my check right, oh yeah for child support, and then she don't want to let me see the kid. But she's okay with taking the money, but she don't want to let me see the.

Kid if they garnished your wages. But you can't see the kid.

Like they let me see him. But she's trying to take my rights away. And she made like false allegations. She says, I'm crazy, where where's the kid is here?

And he's over here and they.

Moved to Staten Island out of all man all borrows.

I'm sorry to hear that. Man, Yeah, it's just one kid.

Yeah, yeah, she said, I'm crazy, But how old is the child? He's eight? He's eight, So I'm crazy to see my kid, but not to send eight hundred dollars a month?

You know?

Well?

How you even? I mean, you know again, we can talk about it if you want.

Your how you're not gonna talk about anything?

Yeah?

What have you been like holding up?

What?

I've been acting a.

Little Kanye Kanye, Like, I've been storming the courts. They're telling me lawyer is like fifteen thousand dollars. I'm not paying a lawyer. I'm like, how can somebody change the results?

Is that what acting Kanye is?

Oh?

No, I've been like storming them. I've been like harassing the courts, like speaking my truth, Like.

This interview is not this isn't gonna be bad for you, is it?

No?

No?

No, no, no, okay? You know calling the cops on the cops? How do you call the cops on the cops?

Like when the cops ain't behaving, I call other cops just try to correct them. And like then I go over there every day as soon as they open, and every conversation I have, I make sure they know this.

This is serious. Yeah, but I don't know you asked me, bro, I'm just.

What do you been like?

I mean it's a difficult situation.

Yeah yeah, but.

I'm good though, because I used to be like a drug addict.

Okay, what do you are? You off of drugs now?

Yeah?

Yeah?

I think I saw them other kids.

Yeah yeah, there's another guy actually go to the same program. Oh you did? Yeah, okay, cool?

Yeah, all right. I don't know his story. But if you end up in that program, ship was not going well?

You know, Okay, are things going better.

For you now?

I mean way better?

Like when you're not doing cocaine? Things are better?

Man?

Yeah?

What like I mean, okay, I know it's hard. I know you're in a tough situation. But what's been Has there been things that are positive that you're looking?

Everything is actually positive?

Really?

The only thing that's like a little inconvenience Okay, but yeah, like I used to.

I don't know if you know anything about addiction and stuff like that. I mean, like you know, like the fannel epidemic.

Yeah I know.

Yeah, so it's like when you're addicted to that stuff is like it literally controls you. You know, of course you wake up like with these cravings and like you need to get it, you know, and now just be riding my bike everywhere because you know, my license suspended.

Yeah, and Queens. I live in Queens.

So how long have you been off of the fedanel for three years?

Three years?

Okay?

Yeah?

And has it have you replaced it with anything that's like like positive?

So I can't like, I don't really like sit I don't watch TV because I don't know how to like sit down and like pause. Yeah, I feel so as soon as I wake up, I make like my espresso coffee, or I gotta start running, or I gotta start go to the gym. I bike everywhere, you know, and I work now, and I you know, I might. I'm able to save my money, you know.

Cool.

I mean I don't save I buy a bunch of shoes.

You buy shoes.

I buy shoes and clothes, get necessary tattoos.

That's okay, you gotta listen, man. I here's like I'm I am a strong proponent of like saving money, trying to be financial independent or whatnot. But sometimes when when life text is told on you, you got to find those little things to make you happy, you know what I mean.

I look at it like, hey, you can save money, but you also could be doing cocaine and risking your life, you know, like right, And when I put it like that, it's always like, you know what, Yeah, I'm about this.

Yeah, sure, but this is weird.

There's still always something left over, like you know, like I save a little bit, like I don't know when I want to, you know, but there's something safe, you know.

I don't know if you got any questions.

Man, Yeah, I got plenty of questions.

I got you on Instagram. Oh you do have some funny stuff. Oh thanks man for ship that.

Yeah.

I come here. I come here like once a week now and every people like you know, well, I'm curious. I'm curious about a lot of things. So okay, so life is good because you feel you're sober. Yeah, do you do anything? Do you so you know, no drinking, no smoke or anything.

No, No, I don't even want secondhand smoke.

Okay.

Like I always wanted we to be legal, and now I'm like, fucking make cancel that shit again.

I'm like, I'm like, I'm not gonna lie.

I became like a Karen about my sobriety because oh yeah, you know, Karen's.

Is not good.

But it's like sometimes that's the way I feel. It's not on purpose, it's just like serious to me. Well, let's talk about this.

So the other guy, he was talking about escaping yourself, right, and you're talking about drugs or a use of escaping yourself. And I and I'm I've never been addicted the fentanyl or whatever, but I'm familiar with like doing things and in some sort of attempt to like escape yourself, right, yeah, And so did give is that what you did? You find yourself trying to escape yourself.

So in the beginning, it was just like there was nothing to do, you know, you start smoking weed, drinking, and I never felt like like it was controlling me. But when the hard drugs came in, like oxy, coldon and cocaine, it got to a point where it.

Was not an option no more, you know.

And at the very end, I realized you kind of realize what you're doing something for when you stop doing it, you know, because you're always giving yourself what.

You need, you know, like like let's say you always got a frou.

I'm sorry, can you just hold the mic up right, Yeah, yeah.

You realize you always got a fridze full of water and anytime you need it you just go there. Right, But let's say you don't have no water for a whole week. You realize how thirsty you are why you drink water and stuff like that. So when you like stop consuming and using, you realize like, oh shit, I am lonely. Oh shit, I kind of hate myself. Oh shit,

It like me, because there's a lot that can't handle it and they just like, nah, this can't be me.

I don't have to stop this, and it's just better like to just realize if you're the person that could use safely or drink safely, then to like think you're not and keep ruining your life, you know what I'm saying.

So how did you learn to do? You still hate yourself some some not not really hate.

Some days I have like self pity, you know, but it's not as it's not as low, you know, it's not as low.

How did it get not as love? How did it improve?

It's like it's like more level.

It's probably a couple of hours or I probably just go for a run or I slip it out and like it changes pretty quick, not like before, like you're with withdrawing, it lasted weeks and months. You know, it's like more human itself. But yeah, yeah no, but I don't want to make this depressing. You know, I'm I'm a pretty exciting person telling me about Dominican Yeah, you know, the only thing I missed about using drugs.

He used to freestyle a lot, you know, I used to you can you you haven't been able to free.

I like, yo, something's missing here, man, it's not the same, you know. Yeah I used to be that guy. Just yeah, there's a lot of I know what they do that around here or Union Squah Square like that, just come to random people, like give me a topic, you know, and yeah they got the Dominican Parade tomorrow, know if you know about that?

Yeah, yeah that's a big parade.

So wait, so you can't you don't feel like you can freestyle as well when you're not on drugs?

And I could it just it just doesn't dot fun. You know, it's just like he's just I just got my little vape. It's like it's cool, but it's not. It don't hit like cocaine.

Yeah, sure, sure, No, A lot of great ideas. I think we're formed on cocaine. I mean, like ninety nine percent of that's what they're all doing. Cocaine and fucking Silicon Valley. That's how they came up with Facebook.

Yeah.

Yeah, And I miss being around the girls and stuff, you know, being in the night scene.

You know.

Sure, Now I'm like Moran. A lot of spiritual girls and stuff. They say they're spiritual.

I don't know, are you see around a lot of like what are you not a girls in recovery?

You know?

Okay, yeah sure yeah, yeah.

They don't look bad, but you kind of gotta respect the program, yeah, of course, and respect like your own sobriety. You know. It's like it kind of don't look right because I do care about my sobriety, and it's like.

If you kind of use.

Your your like your recovery or your sober thing, oh to get that girls. Yeah sure, it kind of looks a little a little a little hinge. Yeah what I'm saying, you got to church, and you at church and you're there for girls. You understand it's kind of disrespecting God.

Yeah, yeah, I understand. But you you get a strong relationship with God.

It's it's it is there. Yeah, I got a relationship, man.

What's that? What's that look like?

Yeah? I pray in the morning, I get on my knees every day, and I do meditation.

I do a gratitude list. What was on your gratitude list today?

What's on my gratitude list?

Oh?

Yeah, you have one today?

Yeah.

Yeah, I gotta do a gratitude list because I got a lot of ship to complain about.

Yeah, so I gotta at least started with the things.

Do you do the scratch your list every morning?

Yeah?

Yeah, okay, yeah, let me get let me hear this morning.

You know that's pretty simple, you know. Grateful to be sober, Grateful that I have access. I spoke at a meeting this morning. Okay, like my my, you know my story. Yeah, Grateful that I'm showing up even if I don't want to, for sleep, a place to lay my head, music, coffee, my son, my bike.

Oh, and these stickers I puts on the bike.

Is it the one that says uh, specialized wheel on the wheel? Oh, the one that says robo Yeah yeah, Oh I like those those are cool and.

I gotta I gotta TikTok.

I make like dark comedy, dark comedy on sobriety, Like we just kind of make like being an addict is pretty funny.

Like this ship that people do to get high.

Sure, it's like fucking you buy something for three hundred dollars in that fucking six in the morning, You're like, yo, I'll give this shit for forty I don't care.

Right now, can I?

If only if you want to share it? But what's the funniest thing you've done to get high? Ooh da, I gotta think about it. I don't know if to get high, but to prove that I'm sober.

I think about this.

So I had my rehab and I had to get drug tested every week with where my you know, urine. So somebody told me you could ask somebody for the urine.

Yeah.

So I called my little brother. He was about like twelve years old, and I'm like, we have I'm gonna give you twenty dollars tomorrow.

I need you.

He's like, you need me. No, He's like, I'm like, I need your urine. And I put my brother through that.

I was driving at the time, and I picked them up at like around seven in the morning. Posy, if the piss is warm, it's like more legit, you know, you just it out. So we lived in Queens in this in the rehabits. All the outpatient was over here in the city. So I literally brought him with me so the pists can stay out of warm temperature, you know. So I'm I gave I gave him a cup and I'm like, take a pic.

I don't know.

I find this funny. Man, like you literally just kidnap your brother for his piss, you know. And uh and he just like my little brother. He's like, this is my big brother. I look up to him, and you know, he pissed in the cup and he did everything right.

Did you end up passing the tests?

I passed passed, But I wasn't expecting this. I was high at the moment. Hope. It's supposedly they lower your blood pressure.

And the guy while he's like taking my blood, he's like, your pressure is like I don't know, high or low, but it was what it was not supposed to be.

And I'm like, I have this part of the test. How did you get the peak? Because don't they make you go into it? Like how did you get the pee? And they was too strict, they let you go to the bathroom by yourself. So I had the little the little cup and I had it. I put it inside yourself. Yeah, and then I just one, two, three, put it in the cup and I gave it to you. So I passed and the guy looked at me weird, but he didn't give me a hard time because it's like it was just blood pressure.

I'm like, I drink a lot of caffeine, you know, and what else I have I done?

Man?

Oh, you know, I don't even think it's probably some funny stuff, but there's a lot of embarrassing things, you know. Yeah, but it's all good though. It's all good though, not like embarrassed. You know, like everybody got a story human life. I just feel like people don't talk about this.

So the TikTok I have, I kind of like every sound on TikTok you can find.

A way to make it your own, right, And I just like like make like I write something about like addiction, you know, like when you're trying to get in contact with the plug at six in the morning and he tells you to meet him up at his house and then when you get there, he.

Don't pick up. Yep, it's not a good feeling. What else is funny? My bad?

You asked me some questions, bro, I don't know about if I'm getting you both time. One time, my friend I called him at like three in the morning. He's like, I'm up. And then I get to his house to buy some stuff, and the desire to use to get high was so strong that I'm like, yo, I just got to this guy's house.

He's not picking up.

I'm blasting his phone, calling him on Facebook, Instagram, even my Space, man like I need to get in contact with this guy, you know.

And then he doesn't answer. So I try to climb.

I climb through a big gate and I try to open his window and his father comes in, like at seven in the morning. He's like what are you doing. I'm like, your son, he's not picking up the phone, but he's like what are you doing? Like how you got back here?

He's like, can you please leave? You know? And I left, you know.

But now that I think about that. That's a little I don't think that's normal behavior.

You know, like it probably wasn't. But I think part of you know, that's part of looking back on past behavior. Yeah, that probably wasn't normal. But like when you're I think when you're in something like that, you have you have no discernment.

You gotta do what you gotta do to survive.

Well when you yeah, when you're in something like that, you're like, you just have no discernment. You just start going through whatever it is that your brain is fucking telling you to do. And then you mature and you go, oh, yeah, that was fucking stupid, you know, But then you that's part of life. I think, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know.

And then this one is a little dark. But yeah, I'm telling you too much.

Man, only if you will if you want, I mean, I'm telling you I'll disclaim I put this on the internet. Yeah, yeah, tell me if you watch, you know, if there's other things, all right.

But you know, in Queens, prostitution is real big okay, And when you get cocaine, you get real horny.

Sure you can talk about this like that. You you you're talking about whatever you want to.

Mind you don't mind talking about like horniness and all that, but you know, people get horny, you know.

Yeah, people get horned. That's part of life. Yeah, normal you can yeah we're not so when.

You get horning, but you can't get hard.

So it's like you have the strongest desire to do something, yeah, and then this it's gone.

So they used to be this thing called like back page.

Yeah, you find like escorts, and every time he showed up, it was never the girl in the picture. Sure so, and I knew it was never the girl in the picture. So I used to get a hide just by calling the number and having hope that it actually was her. Yeah, And I will call like fucking like thirty numbers in one night.

And you would never meet any of the like sometimes that would me like if they keep Sometimes they're like, yeah, this is her, this is her.

I'm like, this is the one with the pink hannies. They're like, yeah, it's her, it's her, and I will go over there. It was never heard, and I was like, I'm not doing this last thing. I'm gonna say this might be funny or I don't know. They supposedly like a mafia cartel with these people, you know, they traffick people and all that. And they sent me so I cancel a girl right like they brought her to me and I'm like, that's not the girl, bro.

No.

They got upset.

They're like, you wasted our time, and they sent me pictures of people's heads cut off Jesus and like slaughter. But you could tell that the pictures were like probably in Mexico, you know, they do that type of stuff.

Okay, And I was a little scared.

I'm like, and they started harassing me and telling you got to pay us their money.

What did you do?

I basically got wasted their time?

No, I mean did you pay them money?

No?

No, it's just like you didn't. You lied to me. You gave me a menu, and when you know I asked for a burger, you brought me a vegan burger.

So how did you So you were at a point where you were like I'm done, I just come and fucking kill me. But now you want to live? Oh yeah, I want to live now?

Yeah?

How'd you get there?

You know? It's like I don't wake up miserable every day, you know, like I actually got a lot of things to look forward to.

I got a lot of shoes to wear that I haven't had time to wear.

It's weird things like that, you know, like they say material things that, like it's not the most important things. But sometimes you who knows, you got a new game, you might want to play that game before you die.

Yeah, yeah, things like that.

And I never really wanted to die, you know, but the way I was living, when I was living like that, it could probably get you there. You know, if you like wasting your your whole life and wasting your check that quick, and like you don't have self respect for yourself. You look at yourself in the mirror, you look unhealthy and all that, that could probably get you to that point, you know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, hmm hmm.

But yeah I live Uh I don't know if that helps out, but yeah, I live over there by you know, city Field.

No Corona, by the met Stadium.

Oh no, uh no, I don't, I don't. I'm not in a baseball guy, but I know what the metsa are. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I live by their stadium. Okay, yeah, yeah, by the Seven Trains. So what what are you looking forward to in life these days?

Right now? Right now? I don't really know, man, like things are good right now.

The thing is, you know, like I feel like a lot of stuff is a scam right now. This thing is like built for us to fail.

What's what's a scam?

You know?

It's like one job can't even get you an apartment, you know what I'm saying. It's like all these things. Oh yeah, I don't really know what I'm looking for. But I think this generation has a lot of what I'm not saying you but a lot of us Like it's just it's kind of hard out here, you know, but I'm not I'm not like really like struggling, like I could go eat do whatever, but not like like real big goals, like real real big a cheese ones.

Yeah.

I think our generation is definitely like having problems, like you know whatever, having wanted to have a kid, or get married, or have a house or do all these things.

This this guy, this Dominican do in Spanish, He's like he made it sound like he's like, you know, I could go to my country today, you know, and I could live for the rest of my life only if I die by tomorrow at seven seven thirty am.

Yeah.

So basically you can listen to the rest of his life.

So it's like one of those you know, you kind of just get used to it, you know, you just kind of but things are way better, man, Like, things are way better, you know.

And yeah, I'm a I don't know you deal with social media. I'm asking you a question.

All right.

Sure, I'm bad because I got this TikTok and I got like I managed to get like in twenty twenty two when I wasn't working in the dark comedy. Yeah, and I man to got like almost thirteen thousand followers and like one hundred and sixty six thousand likes. Okay, but like the shame or something of over like the overthinking of knowing that even.

Though I'm being perceived, yeah, like your videos are being watched.

And then when I saw like people that know me in real life see my videos. Like I was cool with people that I don't know, like talking about all this and see my bit. But when I saw real people, I saw like a little Yeah, I don't want you guys to see it. But I don't know how you deal with it, Like you kind of gotta be yourself, you know, how you deal with like some days like at night, you know, maybe you have too much caffeine and you overthink about like yo, what.

I oh sorry, basically asking me, how do you not ever think? Yeah, yeah, about the social about social media.

Like social media and the content always being out there, because like I did it.

But like I mean, you put your phone down, man, you walk outside here, let me just let's let the videos spin. Yeah yeah, I mean you can't ever think it. I mean I do ever think it plenty, but like I don't know, man, I believe me.

Yeah, coming from the outside is not that deep. It is, believe me. Like it's I think it's in it's in the person's head, like I see other people doing. I don't think anything bad. I'm like, this is fucking great.

Well, also, like nobody cares about you. Nobody cares, nobody. It's uh, it's both. It's both. It's both a tragic fact and a beautiful fact that nobody really cares about you.

And this guy was literally screaming it don't really matter.

Nobody cares. Yeah right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, nobody cares. Nobody listening to you, nobody. Everyone has their own life, everyone's doing their own things. So you know, man, what's your name again? Jason Jason, Jason, dude, thanks for I really appreciate your your vulnerability and your honesty. I appreciate you sharing your story with us here. I hope it was a positive experience for you. Yeah, and I appreciate you.

Yeah?

Yeah, right now, bro, we here were just follow my TikTok Sober Facts, Sober Facts, and in my Instagram, I'm doing content like I ride my bike like real crazy sure, like really get into traffic and all that. You know, I've still got to do crazy stuff in the extent, you know, like thissk my life and stuff. Okay, I got a little constant Yeah you always you always end up you know. There was something Yeah, yeah.

I got the go pro I put it on it.

Okay, yeah, yeah, Now I appreciate you brought on. Really got much to say, you know, I'm grateful. We what was this Washington, Washington Square Park? Yeah yeah, shout out to Corona Queens. You know, hopefully this video goes up, you know.

Weird walking wrong reveal. Jason, Nice to meet you, man, Stay uh, stay safe, okay, don't don't don't crash your bike and kill yourself or anything.

Hi.

What's your name?

My name is Ellen, Ellen.

Nice to meet you, Lyle, to meet you. How's life going?

That's going great?

Wait, tell me more. That's such a h That was like an instinctively positive answer.

My mom vacation with my family. We're having a great time with friends.

That's so awesome. Well, how how like how long have you had a family?

I have a ten year old and a twelve year old and I've been married for fourteen years.

Was that any of that difficult?

Yeah?

Was it all?

Was it worth it?

Yes?

Would you do it again?

Yes?

Do you have any advice for someone trying to like start a family or like, who's like just started a family?

Communicate and she be honest.

Has your like communication with your family gotten like like better over time? Yes?

It has.

How are they your like children?

Oh?

I have a question because you have like kids?

Right?

Your kids are like a little older, you know, Like, are you are you worried about the future or do you think everything will be all right?

Yeah?

I worry.

What do you worry about?

I worry about that there's too much access to things.

Well, tell me more.

With the internet, with social media. I worry about their mental health.

Are you do your kids seem like they have like good mental health?

Yes? But I seemed like that too, And then you know, it gets life gets hard.

When you were ten, what do you remember about your life for like, when you were your kid's age.

When I was ten, it was easy.

Life was easy.

Life was easy.

Do you think life was easier for you than that it is for your kids now?

I don't know.

Maybe it was less complicated.

What era of your life has been the least complicated?

Probably my childhood does right.

Now feel complicated?

Oh?

Yeah, you gotta work and take care of your work and take care of your family.

Yeah, it's complicated, but see you seem like you're having a great time things are. Now there's my family, there's your family. Well, I'll let you go, unless if you want to keep talking.

I'm just talking about life.

Yeah, we're talking about life.

You know, a get go about life?

Yeah?

Is that your husband?

That's my husband and my daughter?

Had you had you and your husband made at a bar? You guys have met at a bar. Don't you ever think about it? Didn't you ever think about crazy?

Like?

Oh if I just stayed in that night, my whole life would be different. Isn't that crazy? What did he first say to you at the bar?

You're too old and too smart?

He said that to you.

Yeah, he only dated young girl. Oh, my son really wet. He only dated young girls. And I was getting my master's degree, So he said I was too old and too smart.

He said you were too old. Were not offended when he said you were too old?

No, I just showed him that I was better than all those girls.

Okay, very cool? Hmm. And what was it like a Is it like in a college.

Town or was it in Hermosa Beach, California?

For most of Beach, California? Very nice? What was your first date after the bar?

Do you remember a restaurant by in Hermosa?

What made you fall in love with your husband?

When?

When was the moment?

Oh?

Oh, there's Danny.

His honesty, his honesty. I guess, I guess the fact that he came up to you and immediately said you are too old is an indicator of some form of honesty.

Exactly.

Well, this is your whole family.

No, we're we're heading to Cooper'stown.

Oh the base here, Oh, you got a whole clan.

I got a whole there's more.

Are they troublesommer? Are they well behaved? There?

Well, I'm a principle of an elementary school, so.

There was the principal of elementary school.

Well really, I'll mess those kids up if they mess around?

Really have you?

Uh?

Do you do you rule with an eye and fist or do you rule with compassion?

Compassion?

That's nice? What's the number one? What's what's the number one issue that like kids are facing these days? From from what you observe at.

The school I work at, They're they're entitled.

Yeah, you think more so than like when when when you were a kid?

What do your parents are? Lawnmower?

Parents like to plow down all the obstacles in front of them so they don't have to deal with adversity. Interesting, and then they don't learn how to deal with struggles.

Interesting.

Okay, I gotta go.

Okay, Well it was very what's your name? Ellen? Ellen? Very nice to meet you, and thank you very much for chatting with a Get go. You have a great life too. I'll see you around the universe. What a nice uh, what a nice guest appearance from a from an elementary school principal. That was a good interview. Hi, I'm Nicole, Nicole. Nice to meet you to meet. What's up, Nicole? How's it, how's it going? How's life?

What's nice?

What's happening?

Life is great? Life is great.

Well, I was just watching people waiting around in the fountain without shoes on.

Yeah.

I've seen so many people watching watching their goocha's just squatting over the you know the stream.

Yeah, I get reels of that all the time.

But I haven't seen this fountain in person, so I was just kind of like waiting to see if somebody would pop a squat, but so far, no luck. Only people waiting around without shoes on, which is also a choice.

Do you live around here?

I do?

Yeah?

And what do you go to school?

You do?

What do you go to school for?

I'm a grad student in opera?

You're a grad student in opera?

Yeah?

So are you like an opera singer?

Yeah?

Really?

Yeah?

Cool?

Yeah?

What you seem embarrassed about it?

It's a very niche interest, extremely niche. Yeah, extremely niche. But I am a master's level.

That's amazing. How your how do you keep your voice in check?

You know?

I try not to smoke very much. I try to do vocalese like warm ups and stuff. I try to I try to keep a regular practice schedule, but it's the summer, so things are a little bit loosey goosey.

Okay, yeah, okay, yeah, Now, what's the hardest part about being an opera singer?

About being an opera singer, probably h I think it really depends on what kind of opera singer you are. For me, like, I'm a soprano, and so you know, most opera singers are sopranos. But if you're a tenor, if you're a guy, you've got a lot more opportunities.

So you are in a area with a lot of other opera singers, right.

Which is great, Like that is the best part for me.

I don't feel like ranger guys. I'm wondering if they're gonna I've never ever in my life Beten kicked out of this park, but I'm curious. Wait, they're walking past them.

Have you done a lot of interview is in this park?

Yeah?

This is the one place. Every single other place I go to in the world to do this, I end up eventually getting kicked out, but never at this part.

Well, I mean, just look around. There's a woman behind us with like two parrots sitting on her shoulder.

Right.

Oh, holy shit, there is a moment behind us with two bards. Yeah, okay, I gotta go talk to her after this. You got this is myself. I don't even have to record it.

I was just wandering. I I wandered in like waiting to see something crazy going on.

So okay, remember I was gonna ask you the opera scene Like the other people, there are opera singers cool? Or are they like theater kids? What's the demo, what's the vibe, what's the scene?

You know, a lot of there's a lot of crossover. Yeah, a lot of a lot of opera singers start as theater kids. Because I mean in your your hometown, is there an opera is there? Is there an opera stage? Probably not, but there's probably a community theater, so there there does tend to be the ven diagram is almost a circle, I would say, yeah, which might be a controversial tape that you used to.

Be a theater kid?

Yes, yes I did.

Do you still identify as a theater kid?

I think a part of me does. I think a part of me really does especially being back in New York. I'm like, there's something that there's like a part of my child self that like is extremely excited to be here just for the clout, I would say, but also realistically in my adult brain, I'm like, I'm just paying a lot of money to live here and you know, exist, and so there's that.

But it is great. It's a great city.

I do love it.

Does singing up or hurt?

It shouldn't, but sometimes it do be hurting. And when it do be hurting, you gotta you gotta stop.

What happens if you get like a cold, uh, you just get you just.

Gotta either take steroids to try and suppress the symptoms to get you through whatever you're getting through, whether that's like a show or if you can, you just gotta take time off. Unfortunately, do you get grades, Like do you have like a person like you sit stand, you say, in a room and you sing and then someone go like checks or box around. That's literally what graduate opera school is like, Yes, like that. That is the majority

Girl you are you are doomed to failure.

And then the next person will be like, everything was perfect except you mispronounced this word.

In English?

Is you know?

And and but everything else was great. The feedback is like wildly different, and so it's kind of hard to take something away from it.

So what's the ultimate goal? Is it like be in like the New York Opera?

Well, I mean that would be wonderful. I actually enjoy higher education. So I do hope to be a professor someday of music and to carry on carry on the legacy of teaching this very.

This might be a stupid question, but is can it can can the voice be taught? Is it not just something that one has it?

It's both.

I think our anatomy plays a large part in kind of where we start. Like if you know some some for some people, singing comes naturally. I think we can all we all know that, right, Like there are some people that we grew up with they just seem like they could always singing kind of thing, and then some people struggle more so, I think if you enjoy music and you enjoy singing, there's a lot that you can

In it for the people who sound like Abraham Lincoln.

Who sound like shit, but are in it for the love of the game, Like usually not so much. Usually that's more like casual.

But yeah, what do you do outside of opera singing? Do you have hobbies of some kind?

Yeah, I I am a learning how to tune pianos.

Okay, yeah, so I go, I do you tune them with your voice?

Kind of it uses like similar muscles, I would say, I would say, because you have to. You have to recognize when something's out of tune, which most people can do that. Like you play a piano and it sounds like shit, like, oh, that needs to be tuned, you know.

Same with singing.

You you hear you hear someone singing out of tune, and you know, you know that that's happening, so you know it overlaps for sure. But yeah, I like to go in there and and take the guts out and fiddle around and try and put it back together and yeah mmmm and.

A do you plan to stay here in New York City or would you go somewhere else to do your opera?

I really want to stay here.

There's a lot going on talking to you and Washington Square Park and you know, there's a lot to do, There's a lot of people to see. There's a lot of gooches to be washed in public fountains, Like where else.

Do you get?

I do really want to dive into this fountain? Do you want to go next?

Sir?

Oh?

You wanted to. You want to photograph my hands? Okay, well wait, give me give me one, give me one moment, and then we can we can figure that out.

Ye have beautiful hands.

Oh yeah, there's there's a gentleman who wants to photograph my hands. Nobody's ever asked me to photograph my hands before.

Low key, that might be like kind of a fetish thing.

So do you think it's a fetish thing? I don't care. I don't mind.

Someone can to ask what are you gonna do with the photos?

Oh?

Yeah, you just enjoy doing it.

I can't deny that those are very lovely. They're very ergonomically shaped. You could hold a lot of different objects with those fingers.

Do you photograph a lot of people's hands? Really?

It's it's wonderful to see a possible story within those handes.

Okay, I'm gonna I'm gonna have to like I'm gonna I'm gonna have would you would you be willing to sit down and tell me more about this hat? You don't want to sit down. I gotta know, I gotta know more about this hand photography business.

Just short, I mean, I'm happy to show you one I did yesterday.

Or the day before.

It's up to you to construct this story that person.

Wait, who's the last person whose hands that you I don't know anyone. I just do it, and do you just you go up to random people in the park and you ask them to if you can photograph.

Walking on the street and other places of the city.

Yes, can I see the most the best picture of hands that you have.

You're gonna end up on Wiki hands the last one.

Yeah, show me the last picture of hands that you took. Okay, all right, all right in the meantime, Okay, I'll we'll chat while he's pulling with a hand picture. Has anyone ever asked you for a picture of your hands?

I've tried to sell pictures of my feet, but I had no buyers. I had no takers really, So if you know anyone.

Have you actually tried to sell pictures I have?

Maybe it's because I have fat bunyans.

I don't know where did you Where did you try to sell these?

You know?

I had like a private Instagram account where I tried to sell, but again, like I don't think I was.

I'm not tech savvy enough to like get into the right crowd, you know.

Okay, I would, yeah, because there's definitely a there's definitely a business to it.

Well, if anyone is really interested in asymmetrical bunyan feet, I can I have what they're I have the goods.

If you genuinely want to, you can. You can uh plug your private feet Instagram if you really want to.

You know, I think I deact. I let the dream die, but you're reigniting the dream. I'm wondering if he's going to ask for some some feet picks as well as hands.

You can take pictures of my hands If I don't care, Let let you know what, let the universe use my body in whatever way is helpful choice. I don't care anymore, Just like let let your.

Body is your art.

Yeah, my body. I don't know if my body is my art, but my body is. My body is resources. It's carbon. Yeah, it's something if someone can use it to whatever their own. Further that like, if this guy, I don't know why he wants pictures of my hands, if he really wants to take pictures of my hands to you know what, I don't care. I would do whatever.

Who cares about I'm a little offended he didn't ask for a photo of my hand.

But I mean, I get it, I get it.

Something special, Nicole, Nicole, is there anything? It's been lovely talking to you. I'm I'm, I'm I'm looking forward to seeing all your hopes and dreams come true.

Thank you so much.

Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

Wow? I guess like I would like to say, go to therapy.

Yeah, the real therapy, to real therapy, or.

You know, just talk to chat gybt about you talk to chat.

Gybt for therapy a lot.

Oh, I mean it's I would say, it's a supplement. I think I need you know, I have O c D, so sometimes I just need the computer to tell me to stop right, Like, I find that it's useful for that.

How does your OCD manifest itself the most?

Oh?

I have like moral OCD moral moral, like existential moral OCD in relationship OCD.

Wait, what is existential moral OCDA?

Doesn't it sounds No, it doesn't sound bake at all.

No, I'm big on existential crap.

Well, I so it manifests for me as like worrying about everything I do, negatively impacting either like the environments or other people. Oh, sure, Like I used to be really obsessive about like plastic use, and I used to not let myself drive anywhere just because I'm like, oh, but if I like buy this one plastic thing, like it's going to exist in the universe forever and it'll be my fault and I'll just like spiral out about that stuff.

But so yeah, it's like that, or like, well, you've heard the phrase, you know what I'm gonna say, No, I guess what. There's there's a phrase that is the answer to this. I don't know, tell people there's no such thing as ethical consumption.

Yes, of course I know, and that is sort of yeah, I and I didn't find that comforting.

I heard that. I was like, I'm buying a switch to right now. I get me on.

I'm logged into Amazon.

Yeah, I'm getting Amazon Prime immediately, I'm getting two of them.

I'm yeah, ordering everything from Amazon.

Yeah.

No, that's really fair, that's really fair. I think what helped me was medication and nothing else, honestly.

Sure what kind of medication.

Oh, I'm on, I'm on to Alexa and it's a SSR and I'm on well viutrin as well.

Okay, I gotta give.

It will make you sweat. I don't know like that. This what you're wearing now already looks a little bit warm.

I'm already sweating too much. I yeah, I'm sweating too much.

Well, are frogs supposed to be a little bit soggy?

Like?

Frogs are notoriously wet creatures.

I'm a gecko. Oh, it's on the side, the kind that out.

Don't put that.

Okay, Hey, what's up?

Man?

Just look at this guy. You're awesome. Man, this guy's sick.

I feel like I'm hugging your time.

You're not hugging my time. I you know, like I said, what my time? Who cares you guys about anything?

Dude? Okaystential morality, yeah, existential morality?

Do you have you have you?

Do you have you solved it? Or do you still feel No?

I still feel that way.

It's just not as debilitating because the meds like make me focus on other stuff more.

I no.

Hearing you say that, it's making me feel like it's making me feel good because I'm like, all right, maybe the meds could help me not foxate it on fucking whatever the hand the hands gentlemen is leaving you're not leaving, are you. We gotta talk about hands. Okay, all right, we'll come. It's a baby, Okay.

Did he end up taking a photo of your hands?

He didn't end up taking a photo of my hand. I wanted him to come talk, and he talked a little bit, but he didn't. He didn't want to.

I guess he's brave enough to ask for hand.

I'm kind of curious now if he's walking around to other people asking him to take pictures of their hands.

I bet he is sup an eye on that man.

Oh yeah, you can take my photo. There's a there's a young lady with a silver nose. Wow, that looks interesting. It's moral, you know. I've thought about that before I've gone. I've gone into my head and I'm like, is there any way for me to exist that isn't horrible.

That isn't harmful to other people?

Yeah?

I think, I think. I think I honestly here. My thought process is that, uh, there's so many ways to be actively evil.

Yeah, you know, I really are.

There's so many ways to be Oh, oh, thank you so much. Uh, oh, thank you. That's so kind. She took a polaroid or a little a princey thingy, that's so kind, that's beautiful. I guess, and let's I guess unless if you're trying. I mean, there's people who are actively attempting to be evil.

To be evil, yeah, but do they in their minds do they think of it that way, you know? Or do they just think, like, well, there's no ethical consumption in their capitalism?

So I even try, you.

Know, yes, I mean I don't know, like what, like what do you I mean you sing opera? Yeah, it's like, well you're not You're not fucking you know, going around beating the ship out of people.

Like what what?

What is that bad?

That's true. I do try not to do that. I try to be a good person.

But you know, I think there's I think there's strong value in the attempt of attempting.

I think you do.

I think you do your best, and then once you once you start getting your own brain and just trying to kill yourself over it, it's like, what are you even doing at that point? Who were you helping by just by just shaming yourself.

For self flagellation.

Yeah, become self fladulating.

It's not helpful.

I think that that is more helpful than saying there's no I think that the self flagellation not being helpful is probably the most helpful advice, just reminding yourself of that.

But I don't know.

For me, it's the meds. That's the only the only real real help that I've found.

I'm thinking, I'm thinking, I've been talking about ketamine therapy for a while. You've done it. Okay, all right, all right, this interview just got way longer because here's the thing. So I was, I went through some like existential depression, and I was like, and then I and then I started taking vibe ance and then for one month I felt amazing. In the month of June was the best I had felt in my entire life.

Good.

I went on, I like, saw my friends. I was like, oh, I'm finally back. I finally, after just years of insanity, finally I have a people. You know, you know the phrase, oh, there's no there. Life is continuously rolling a boulder after hill. Not for me, I rolled the boulder on the hill. The bowler's on the top of the hill. It's gonna stay there forever. The month of June, everything's gonna be amazing forever. And now it's Li twenty whatever, and I'm like, fucking fuck, my fucking fuck.

Are you still taking the Vivans?

Yeah?

I still take the vibans, but I'm like, oh no, And so now I'm like and so I was I was feverently researching ketamine therapy before this. Yeah, and so now I'm go back. How was your keine therapy?

It was very interesting. I loved it. I don't know, hmm, so I'd alreadyd.

Did it solve all your problems forever?

Shockingly? No? But I think it did help. You know what it did for me? Tell me it wasn't like an immediate.

Fix to my depression, but it did shake up some things that I think I was not wanting to look at, like it definitely brought that to the surface.

Do you want me to tell you about, like the whole experience do you want?

Yeah?

Yeah? Like so I did, Yeah, like.

A ketemine therapy that took place over the course of I think like three months where I would go into a clinic twice a week, so I would k hole twice a week. Yeah, I would take time off work k hole. My boss would let me go early from work to go k hole, and it was. I would go into a cozy little room and adminis self administer the nasal spray, and then I would just lay back on a couch in a dark room and think about my life, except I wouldn't really be thinking.

I was more like falling.

And then things that I feel like myself my subconscious needed me to examine more closely, would come to the surface, and then I would have like a trip that was centered around some issue that I wasn't like I wasn't examining enough in my non k hold state.

Yeah, yeah, interesting, And I did.

That for three months. But I know there's a lot of variety to ketymine therapy. Like I've heard of people who will take a really low dose of it and go to and like have a therapist there and basically have like a talk therapy session with a really low dose of ketamine.

That's not what I did.

I was just they they locked me in a room and said cee in an hour. So I didn't necessarily have the like guidance of like, yeah, I want the one with the person that I But you know what I did, I found a way run. So I would schedule my therapy sessions for right after the K hole.

Oh very so I would have the K hole.

And then I would talk about it with my therapist after, and she said that those sessions are some of the most productive we'd ever had.

So right, So, how are you doing now?

I'm doing much better, doing much better.

There's there's really something to be said for stability, even fleeting stability, the little Do.

You feel stable?

Yes, I just moved out of a really toxic roommate situation. So I have a one bedroom in New York City and I'm paying one thousand and three fifty.

You pay a thousands girl? Oh about do you pay thirteen fifty for a one bedroom in New York City?

I negotiated the rent down and it was not I did not use my feet picks to do so.

That was not a bartering chip.

I can't believe you pay you have a one bedroom for thirteen to fifteen year. That's insane.

It was listed for really too.

It's listed for under two k, which is still good for one bedroom here in Manhattan. In Manhattan, Yes, it's in Inwood, which I love. I love Inwood, Yes, and yeah, it's really north. It's basically as north as you can possibly get. While still technically being in Manhattan, but it's you know, it's along the one line. It's nice, okay, but yeah, I like I met the guy. He's I

Do you have an offer for a thousand?

The truth is out. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, but the lease has been signed.

So so okay, what else is stable with you?

Now?

What else is stable? Well?

I think so, I mean just having my own space, that's a that's a that's its own stability. Like I'm more comfortable isolation, I think just because of like the way my brain works. I think I function better when I have a lot of a loan time, So that for me is like a good source of stability. I am in a lot of student debt, but I mean that's consistent in like money coming in, even if it is loans that I'll probably never be able to pay off on.

A professor's salary. But you know it's all good. So you know, I have the financial stability.

I just.

I have a lot of a lot of stuff in the works. I'll say, there's a lot of things bubbling.

There's po.

Switch pot excited about I'm excited about.

The piano tuning pot.

I'm excited about that.

I'm excited about I'm excited about starting to teach teach again. I'm excited about that, teach voice lessons to kids. What else am I excited about?

I don't know.

I'm excited to be in the city in the summer, with a place of my own, and the only responsibility I have today is installing a shelf.

You know, I'm I'm happy to hear that things are going well for you. Everyone. Pretty much everyone who sat down to talk today seemed as though they were up.

Yeah it's an upday' I mean, like this is the if you're gonna have an update in New York City, Like this is where all the people who are up are gonna come.

I think, Yeah, I mean, well this is a place where you go to get up.

Yeah.

Well, I I was just planning on walking through here. I wasn't even to be honest.

I was sort of lying to at the beginning of this, saying that I came for the Gooch exposure.

But I actually was not.

I didn't think that you came here it.

Oh you didn't take me literally, No, yeah, no, that was that was an exaggeration of the truth I did. I did recognize this fountain. Then I said, oh, that's the fountain where the guy was watching his goo chat.

Oh, I thought this was the friend's fountain.

I mean, you know a song by any other name.

What's your name again, Nicole? Nicole, Nicole. This has been a great conversation. I very much enjoyed talking to you. I hope that I said this already when I when I was in first gonna end this conversation, But then you start talking about ketamine.

I hope out.

I'm gonna try I think I'm gonna try it out. We'll see what happens.

I don't think you'll have a bad experience. If that's what's been like, you've not wanted to fully.

No, that's not been the main reason. There's a bunch of reasons I would not mind flick. But I'm gonna okay, Well, I don't know right now, by my, my, my.

My.

Main form of SSRI right now has been this switch to. So I'm gonna see how that works.

I haven't tried that one yet, but I've heard good thing.

Dude, I don't know. I wasn't gonna get it. I I thought that. I looked at the new Donkey Kong game and I was like, who is this guy? This is not my guy. This is a different guy. This is not Donkey Kong.

Oh.

Yes, I've heard, because they redesigned it. But now now, apparently I don't know.

Because Donkey Kong woke, she woke.

Now I don't.

I don't know. Maybe he's woke. He looked a little like, actually he's less woke. His eyes are smaller, Okay, Okay, yeah yeah, smaller eyes, smaller eyes conservative, So he's uh, I don't know, but I don't know. Apparently it's good. So I'm gonna tonight. I'm gonna.

I'm surprised you were even able to get a switch to.

I waited in line this morning this morning. Yeah, I got connected to my inner child this morning. I was like, I haven't waited in line to buy a video game since nineteen seventy nine.

I don't think kenymine is gonna top that experience for you. I'm sorry, it's not well.

I mean, I don't know. Maybe I'll do ketamine and play Donkey Kong and that'll work. Yeah that, you know.

I never tried that, but I think if I tried that that much.

Actually, that's how the guy from Friends died. So I don't want to do that.

But oh really I didn't know that.

Okay, he was playing Actually I don't know if I don't know what he was doing, but he was doing he was doing ketamine outside of some form of record, outside of a medical.

Are you being for real?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Yeah?

Oh wow, yeah wow, Okay, but you know, well yeah, I advocate for the safe use of ketamine.

Yeah, me too. I advocate for all safe good things.

Yeah.

Yeah, we're gonna be fine. Everything's gonna be fun. Everyone in this park is gonna be fine. Everyone's up. So everyone's good. We're all getting switched to s. We're all uh getting beautiful families. Wow, we're all getting a wonderful fulfilling careers. Yes, yes, we're all getting ten million dollars.

We're all getting our bunions shaved.

Off, getting our bunions shaved off.

Have you ever looked at what that surgery is like? No, I haven't either.

It's fucking crocodile, dundee, dude, check this guy out. Oh never mind, never mind, I said, sorry, Yes, I said, I said it's crocodile, dundee. Check this guy out because you looked kind of like you had the Oh thanks, but I love your fit of course. Hey you too, man.

I think that guy was trying to wrangle you.

You're trying to wrangle me. Yeah, it looks like the crocodile.

Yeah, I would watch it.

We didn't have the hat.

There's a lot of predators around here.

I've noticed, like there's been two people who've come up to you while I've been in this chair who've wanted something from you.

Dude, I don't know where the hands pick guy is. I gotta find them or maybe I don't.

Just you should be safe, you know.

I promised him a hand pick. I feel bad now if I don't give them my hands what's your name? One more time?

I'm Nicole. I'm so sorry.

You don't have to be sorry for anything.

No, I don't have anywhere else to be such a yappy mood right now too.

I started, honestly, honestly kind of at the very very very beginning of this podcast, I was like, Fuck, I don't think I have the energy to talk today, but I you know, we're gonna try, but.

Towards and you.

Normally what happens is the first half I have no energy. Though the first half I have a lot of energy, The second half I have no energy. Today's podcast was different. Today. I had a lot of less energy. The first half morega. The second half, Oh good, And now I feel good good you know what, Nicole, Yeah, everything's fine, Everything.

Is fine, Everything is going to be fine. And I really feel that today I feel like there's an energy in the air. Sorry, I just caught a glimpse of like the shoe underneath the gecko foot, and I feel like I just saw like a peek behind the curtain.

Faz shoes they break in one month. I buy a new one every month. I should just get a nicer pair of shoes that don't break down. But I'm lazy, and I is there a.

Specific reason why, like that pair of shoes from Amazon.

I just go on Amazon and search shoes. I'm not a fashion man.

You could have fooled me.

Because of the suit. Yeah, I wonder if there's a guy over here. He's holding a box of cookies. I'm wondering if if I let him sit down, if maybe he'll give me I think, I think Do you think you will?

Yeah? I think you should take a chance.

Enjoyed, Nicole? Is anything else? I say the people of the computer before we go to the people of.

The computer, be boot boom bop be boot boop be bop.

Don't know what that means.

Don't know what that means?

Computers, I speak, I speak computer, and yeah, I think all computers will understand.

I'll throw that in Google Translate later.

Good you should.

I'll see her in the universe. I will, I will. Apparently they're worth Money's your name, Yuki? You get nice to meet you. I actually don't know if I have time. Well, let's do a quick wrap up, shall we. Okay, one thing that you want to say to the people listening up to this podcast before we go anything.

Think about yourself first and only really Yeah, fun.

Now I want to talk to you about more things. We don't have. How much power batter is on this guy? Seventeen percent? Okay?

Cool?

All right?

Richall yu gi. Yeah, why why should we only think about ourselves.

Because no one will will do it?

Yes, it is.

I mean at some point, even your parents think about themselves, I know, and they they should also live their own life. I know, because I need to understand that they also need to be like themselves and continue their lives at some point, and so you need to cut down when they don't.

Yeah, we need So you need to.

Do it yourself and think about yourself for your future life and et cetera.

It is very true. I you know, I don't know. I think my most of my life, I thought of myself as like a staunch individualist, where I was like, I gotta make sure you know, I'm really like mainly thinking about my own life. And then I was like, no, the key to life is community, and like how you want to integrate yourself with other people and you want to your life is only me as good as the other people in it. And then I flip back and forth and I'm like, well shit, you know it's true.

But and I think the better you love yourself, the better you'll be loved on your group and on your community. Yeah, because you will like put the limits and all the boundaries that you want and it will be like the healthier relationships, which means that you first think about yourself. And for that, I will encourage you everyone to go to a therapist. I'm from friends and like, this is not something that's cool yet over there.

Oh, therapy is not cool in friends?

No, not yet?

Why not yet? It's going to become cool?

Yeah of course. I mean at some point people will go crazy and you will have to go.

Why do you think therapy is not cool in France?

I think it's still like something that you put as crazy people.

Yeah, for real and people don't understand the value of being good with yourself and go into a therapy.

I'm a teacher. One of the things every time my students come to me like with issues.

Blah blah blah, go to therapists, especially like immigrants, children and blah blah blah. Then to go because the duality between their lives in friends or in any country, plus their origins or parents' origins, it's a messing up moment of their lives.

That's you do you go to a therapist? What are you talking about with your therapists?

My parents? Mostly because I think this is the main issue for everyone.

The main issue for everyone is their parents.

How so, I mean because the parents lives their life for the first time as you are. So they don't know how to drive sometimes their life and they have to learn with you and when they do it. And they were not like us now with all these elements that you can have on the internet and everything. So they learned not good on a good way.

Okay, So everything starts with parents because you learn from your parents, and how your parents treat you is kind of how you feel exactly. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Do you have good parents.

Try?

Okay, they try to give kids. I don't have yet. Okay, but you want to have kids, Yeah, what are you gonna? What do you want to impart upon your children.

To love themselves, to be confident enough to be like in a loving environment where they can share with me? Because I think I was not able to share with my parents when I was not like feeling good or when something was not good for me and they didn't know. So I cannot blame them because I was not on a safe place to share. Yeah, so I want to have like for my kids, if I have ones, a safe place for them to share anything they want to share with me.

So, yeah, I feel bad because you're you know, you're really being very vulnerable. You're being very vulnerable with me, with me right now, and I am like, I'm very engrossed in this conversation. But there's at least like ten percent of my brain it's like I wonder if I wonder if he's gonna let me have a cookie.

Yeah, of course you know you can.

You can have them.

But because we didn't like but you didn't like them, no, because we we had like to test it because we were visiting, so we had.

Like, can I see what? Can I see what you gotten there? Okay? So you tried it?

You didn't like it? Andy?

No, it was one with lemon and I don't even know this one.

Oh this is like a that's like a cream.

Yeah, we didn't like beat on him, so you can try.

It's pretty good.

Yeah.

Here, well Norris you did Why didn't you like him?

I don't know.

But you're visiting from France?

Yeah, exactly.

Are you?

How long are you in New York for?

So we arrived on like last Wednesday and we are here until next Saturday.

What do you observe about New York?

Oh?

So so loud?

Where in France do you live?

Pi?

Okay, but how do you compare New York to Paris?

It's so loud, people are like always screaming or stuff like this. Uh, but more generous and more friendly. People are more generous and friendly here. Of course I'm from Paris, so I mean the less Okay, for the first time in New York, No second time?

Okay. Why do you guys come to New York?

Especially living in Tampa?

So I come often in the US and it has been three years now, so I wanted to come back very nice.

Yeah.

What are the French think of Americans? Do they think that we're stupid? You can say yes, if that's the truth.

I don't think that there.

They can't think about this because we're that stupid as much as American could be.

I mean's goods.

I mean, we almost elected the guy who never worked in his life, but for real, like never in his life. He's famous for probably shitting in his pants on this only year of college that he did.

He's famous for shitting in his pants. Really, what's this guy's name?

This is the rumor that we have, and he has been the first runner of the European election last year year?

Really?

Can you so we are not Macrown?

Right?

No?

No, that's not mcons Bardilla Okay yeah, but.

And who did you vote for him?

Of course not?

Is he like them? Is he like the French Trump?

I can't even say if he's the French Trump or he's far right?

Okay, that's that's it.

I mean, this is not the same way that it works because we have so many political groups and everything.

Do do your friends go to therapy or is it mainly just you?

No?

No, some of my friends goes, and hopefully most of them will go at some point. Okay, I'm doing this lobbying for them to go. Mm hmmmm, because I'm paying now for them?

Are you you're paying for your friends?

You're paying because they come to me to have like therapy conversations.

Oh, you're the therapist exact.

Either of me or someone else.

Okay, yeah, So are you a good person to go to for for therapy?

I don't know. I'm not gonna judge myself.

Yeah, to do a lot of people to I mean, if you're if a lot of people go to you for therapy it pints, you're probably good at it or else they wouldn't come to you, like we have to ask them.

I don't know.

Do do a lot of your friends go to you for? What kinds of things? Do your friends ask you for advice about?

Mostly with their family, because we all struggle with this energy we don't have with our parents and immigrant parents.

My parents are from Turkey.

They came to friends, so it's not the same way that we see et cetera and everything.

So we mostly have the same issues, all of them.

Okay, so you guys all have very similar like family lives exactly. How old are you? You're three four? Okay, and so all your friends like and your friends are all kind of same age, yeah exactly, and so you're all like from like similar like generation exactly.

Yeah, okay, the nineties we grew up with Internet, coming forms and everything.

Are you still friends with are still not friends?

Of course?

You're friends with your friends, are you? Are you still like close with very friends? You get to see them very often?

Yeah?

Of course.

Do they all live in Paris?

Yeah, we live all on the same area.

That's so fucking now. How long have you been friends with these people?

Fifteen twenty years?

It's so nice, man. Yeah, that's a real blessing. I wish, you know, I have a group of like there's nine of us, and like, you know, I've been friends with them for a long time. But you know, we all kind of we're all like in the same like East Coast. But like if everyone lived in the same neighborhood, I mean that would beautiful.

Yeah.

I think we tried to live in the same neighborhood because also when you're in friends, it's not like here you have to live in Paris to have better jobs and everything. So it's all mostly on the same places, so then you choose to be still with them. I have some of them living in other cities, but it's mostly all in Paris.

What are you most excited for in life moving forward?

I think I've been kids at some point. Yeah, I would love having kids.

Do you feel like you've learned a lot from your own parents that you can yeah, either either what to.

Do or what not to exactly exactly.

Yeah, Okay, how how often do you talk to your parents?

Almost like every two days or every day?

Then?

Yeah, I can't be honest, Like, all right, you sat down and you were like, you were like, you have to be, you must be.

It has been like six years now that I'm working on.

This, so well, I guess well the way you said when you said that, and you were like you might man can only rely on himself. And it's like you have a you have a great community, you're very you have a wife, you have your pet, friends all around you have you know, you don't seem to rely be I mean you know what I mean, But like you seem like you have a lot of people in your life.

Yeah.

With bundies that I fixed, it's better now.

Yeah, Yeah, that's great, man cool, Thank you so much.

Of course.

What's your name again, yugi Yi? Thank you very much for sitting down and talking to man. I really appreciate. Is there anything else you want to say to the people before we go? Julie is the best rapper in Frience? Who is jew Jewel? Nice to meet you man later. Well, folks, I think that was it. I think those were our interviews.

For the day.

I think they were pretty good. Who do we talk to? We talked to the Yo Yo man. We talked to the elementary school principal. We talked to the opera singer lady. We talked to uh the general, the other the gentleman at the bike talking about getting sober as well. That was a good That was a good group of people. This was a good episode. I hope you guys enjoyed it. I'm debating, Oh this guy left his cookies. I'm I'm debating if I should eat a stranger's half eaten cookies.