“I FOUND MY DISTANT DAD”

Hello, Hello, what's up man? What's your name?

I guess I'll use the name Josh.

Josh, I like it. What's what's going on with you, Josh?

Uh? Not much due just hanging out watching my kids. My wife is still asleep. I just got off work a couple hours ago.

So what is it that made you want to call into my Gecko show today? Uh?

Yeah? So I So, basically, my dad hasn't been a part of my life ever since I was a baby. I think like the first time I saw him I was twelve, and then the second time was when I was seventeen, and then I had no contact with him up until I was about eighteen or nineteen, so like a year after and then he went completely dark. I like to lead of this Facebook, I can't find him anywhere. Me and my wife ended up having a baby, and there was no way for me to tell him that

And did you did you message him or did he message you?

So I like kind of like stalked his Facebook a little bit. I canna lie, I like looked through all of his photos and everything, and I guess he did the same because he liked a photo of me and my son. So I sent him a message basically saying like, oh, you know, I guess you got to it before I could tell you, like, surprise, your grandfather sent this long message to him, maybe an hour ago. He hasn't responded together or anything, but yeah.

Wow, interesting. What How how long was it that you said that he yet you'd seen him five years?

Yeah, since I've talked to him. Yeah, I haven't seen him in like I don't even know how long.

Was there like a reason why you didn't was Yeah? Was there like a reason why you didn't talk to him?

Well? My mom always painted him as like this horrible person, and there was like some stuff that I remember from my past, like maybe when I was like a little bit older than my son, like three years old, of him like like breaking into the trailer that we lived in and like hitting her and stuff and the cops being cold. So like I have some bad memories. All

Yeah, well, yeah, that curiosity makes sense for you to want to follow for sure. All right, how do you Yeah, how do you feel about following that curiosity?

Well?

I don't know because I told my mom about it yesterday and she was pretty like like, oh, I don't, Like that's a waste of time. I don't know why you would do that, Like that's that's stupid. You know, you shouldn't do that. You shouldn't reach out to him. You know, he wasn't there. What makes you think he's

Hmmm are you but you're not really you're not. It doesn't sound like going into this with any kind of expectations.

No, No, I don't have any expectations. I mean, I guess I have like a little bit of hope to like maybe build a relationship with him, or I don't. I don't really, I don't know, dude. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I want out of this ship, dude. I'm just I guess I'm just curious, right.

Right, Yeah, what do you what if the interaction went perfectly, how would it go?

I guess he would just respond, and I don't. That's that's a pretty hard question.

That's good though, That's actually that's good. I feel I feel like it's good that you can't answer that, because that means you have no expectations, right, you know.

Yeah, I mean I don't even really expect him to respond. I don't even expect him to read it. I didn't even like ghek. I didn't even expect him to add me back on Facebook. I was surprised when he added me on Facebook because I like searched.

I just got like this.

I don't know what happened, Like I just got like the spark in me I was like, you know what, I'm just going to look his name off on Facebook because I've white paged his name, done all that, like try to find his phone number and stuff, but couldn't. So I was like, you know, I'm just gonna look him up on Facebook this one time. And then I came across.

How are things going with your family?

Uh?

They're good. I mean, money's tight like always, but that's about to be fixed. My wife is going she just did like a four month like celerated course for pharmacy tech cool, and she's doing her extern shit in October. So it's a month of like no pay forty hours a week. Whoa and yeah, so then after that then she can get a job and then financial wise it will be good. But I mean, honestly, with the way the world is right now, it's kind of scary to be raising kids.

Yeah, I feel that I understand that. Uh yeah, bro, I was thinking about that shit in terms of like by the time like my kids are like adults, because I don't have kids, but I want to at some point, but like I feel like by the time that they are adults, you know that we're gonna live in a the generational gap between worlds gets like more exponential, I think, between generations and shit. So I get, I get, I get freaked out about that, you know, But I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, dude, kids are definitely are definitely not easy. And then I think the same thing, like whenever my kids are my age, like how how's.

The world going to be?

But I mean maybe my parents thought the same way. Maybe that's just part of being an adult, you see how shitty things can really get.

Well, it's funny, man. I mean imagine like trying to explain what web three is to like an eighty three year old.

You know what I mean, I don't even know what web three is.

Dude, exact, I don't. I don't even know what web three is. But there's some fucking thirteen year old who's like making a billion dollars off of it, you know what I mean. Like we're all going to be doing you know, whatever, the show, whatever, the ship that like our kids are gonna be like making their living off of or doing what their life is gonna be as beyond us as it is, you know. Yeah, it's gonna it's gonna be it's gonna be beyond us for sure.

Yeah.

Definitely a little spooky. But I guess that's good. I guess that's what I guess that's what you want. You want the next generation to and to create things that you don't understand.

Yeah, yeah, but.

It's also yeah, one second of momophone also like.

You sorry, I'll let you. I'll let you finish your piece. But if you've got to attend to your kid, we can. It's that's okay.

No, no, no, I definitely I want to talk to you. I listened to you like I I load trucks. Hold on one second, I load trucks, uh for ups in the middle of the night. I go to work at like two am, and I load trucks for like six hours straight. And I've listened. I've almost listened to every single one of your podcasts podcasts since you started. And I've and I've like I've literally only started listening like maybe two or three or four months ago.

Oh cool, fuck yeah, fuck yeah, bro, thanks for that's that makes me happy here in this uh you know, a new a new person coming in listening to the whole thing.

Yeah, So it's a while that I'm like on the phone with you because usually like you're just in my headphones and I'm listening to you talking to people, and now you're talking to me, and it's just like crazy.

Mm hmm.

Well, what's your kid doing right now? She seems to want your attention?

My I'm sitting in a wagon with a truck and my daughter's standing up trying to grab the truck from him.

Yeah, what's your what's your wife doing?

She worked, she's sleeping.

M Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to have it for the future.

Yeah, it's the How old are you? You're like twenty you're like twenty six, right.

Twenty seven?

Yeah, twenty seven? Man, how's that? How's that?

How how's being? How's being? Twenty seven?

Yeah? Do you feel any different?

You're what? You're twenty four?

Yeah?

Well you're more of a You're you're way more of an adult than I am. You know.

Yeah, dude, you're honestly lucky that you don't have kids, because the craziest thing happened my wife woke me up at midnight last night, right midnight, she woke me up, dead, dead asleep. I'm like, what, what, what's going on? She brings me out of the living room. My son's spilt but so like my I built a desktop recently, like a little budget build and like maybe two months ago, and my son spilt lemonade through the top all over

Oh no, yeah, do you do you still think it was worth it?

Kids?

Yeah?

Yeah, man, one hundred percent. They change your life, dude. Like I feel like I went from like I don't know, dude, I went from being like a little kid or like having this different perspective on life to like having these little humans that I have to like work and provide for like no matter what, like I no matter what, I have to work and I have to provide for them.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure it gives you a strong sense of purpose. Yeah, let's see, how does being twenty seven feel. I feel like I'm I feel I actually still feel like I'm sixteen.

I still feel like you're sixteen.

Yeah, definitely. Well, yeah, I feel like I'm well not sixteen. I probably feel like I'm like twenty one.

I feel that.

Dude, how old do you feel?

Honestly, I still feel like I can't whenever I say twenty four, I feel disgusting.

Really, twenty four is so yeah, I mean I think, I mean, I think both of us are still pretty young. Although I get worried since I get worried about like what, uh my life is going to be like when I'm in like my thirties and forties and fifties like that. I think that scares me, you know, because like I don't I can't know it.

Right.

But then I see people, But then I talk to people, and I see people who are that old and they're not freaking out. They're they're living life, they're still doing stuff, They're still here.

Yeah, I feel like it just I feel like life just goes on, like you just get older. I don't feel like you're your feelings really, I mean like, yeah, your feelings change, maybe you change as a person, but like that kid inside of you is still there. I feel like that that really never goes away. Like You're gonna never feel like old, like you know what I mean, maybe whenever you're sixty, shit, you still might feel twenty one.

Yeah, I hope.

So.

I think, uh, I think it's like a bit of a it's a bit of a choice. I think is as to kind of like a mindset you want to have, you know. Yeah, sometimes sometimes I lose that battle though. Sometimes I feel old. Sometimes I feel like, uh like, uh yeah, sometimes I feel like I'm Sometimes I feel like I'm twenty one in this very moment as I'm talking to you, I feel like I'm I feel like young with Sometimes i feel like I'm like seventy four and I'm like I'm Sometimes i feel like I'm mister

But if you feel I mean, if you feel like you're seventy four out, how would you know what? How would you know what that feels like? What would it just be like? More of like a what do you feel in that time that you feel like you're seventy four? Is like worn down? Tired?

Yeah, sometimes sometimes I feel like that. Yeah, but that's why imagine I feel seventy four to be. But also yeah, I mean age is even like a man made thing. I mean, you just kind of exist and then you die. There's nothing I could really, I mean there's a few things I guess theoretically that I could. I can't think of any major things that I can do now that I can't do when I'm like sixty, maybe like go to Maybe it's just about how you're how you're perceived

Yeah, dude, Like I don't. I don't know how it feels to not to not have kids because I don't really remember what that feels like, even though it's only been two years. But like I feel like, dude, the days and like the weeks, even the months just go by so fast, really, and like, yeah, dude, like like I blink my eyes. I can't even I don't even know how it's almost the end of twenty twenty five. I feel like I still remember January of twenty twenty

Yeah.

That makes a lot of sense, not saying that not having kids would make life any easier.

No, No, I know you, but I know you mean though, like when you are like when you get into like a strong routine, time goes by very fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah, anytime when every day is the same and yeah, whenevery days the same time flows by fast. But if yeah, if you find a way to break through your routine, like you kind of remember ship a little bit more.

Yeah. I actually I actually told CHATCHYTP about this because I've heard in one of your podcasts from maybe a couple of years ago that you were using you tried to using chat GTP as a therapist.

So I was like, yeah, I try.

And and it actually gave me like a pretty cool like uh little like tip, I guess you could say. It was like I was just telling it how like I find it hard to remember times, you know, of like good moments with my kids, like like yeah I remember them being born, the first steps like stuff like that, but like something that I did to make them laugh, like you know, like little little moments to hold on to.

And uh.

It was basically just saying to remember this conversation, the conversation that I had with it, and to think back to that whenever one of those moments are happening, like whenever I do something that makes them laugh either, like maybe this conversation will make you think back and then you'll try to hold onto that memory and share shit so then you don't just you know, get it mixed up with all the other ship that's going on and just end up forgetting it.

M M, yeah, I I think, Yeah, make a note of shit is important, Like journaling. Writing shit down makes you feel like your life actually existed in some way, ship or form, right, M.

I've actually I've actually I did that. Whenever I was a kid, I had a journal, but I really never stuck with it.

What did you think about it? Would you think about getting back into it? You know, not even like not even as like a daily practice, but just like, uh, you know, whenever you can. It does make life feel more real.

Really? Oh yeah for sure, Yeah, dude, I've I've never done that in my adult life. I haven't tried that.

Yeah.

Do you just like write about like how your day one or how you're like?

Yeah, yeah, I used to write every I used to. I mean I journal all the time a lot. I used to, like I used to meticulously journal everything I did, like and long. I would like every like everything I did, where I went to eat that day, you know, or like who I talked to. Yeah, I used to matic like when I was in college. I was meticulously journaling. Now I do it sometimes, but I lost it along

Oh no, I was just gonna say, whenever I think of journaling, I think of writing these big, huge paragraphs.

No, no use a bullet Is that what you got time for?

That's interesting. I'll have to give that a shot.

You say, you said your name is Josh or that was your I know it was a fake name.

Yeah, it's a fake name. I wish, I wish I could use my real name.

I want you, but I'm not going that's that's okay, that's okay. Why do you wish you could use your real name?

I don't know, because it just feels it feels more like like I don't I don't know. That's a good question. It feel more like, uh, like I'm not just hiding behind a like a mask and I'll just talk to a random per something that gave you fake name.

No, I don't w Well, we are both talking to a random person that we don't know. There's no hiding behind that.

But yeah, yeah, but for me, for me, it feels like in a way, I know, I don't I have no idea who you are, but I know your your persona online you anyway, I feel like I know you, but in reality I don't.

You've well, yeah, I mean it's as if it's as if we have It is a little bit as if we have spent five hundred hours together.

Yeah, several several hours.

Yeah, which is enough time to get to know someone in a sense. Right, It's kind of weird.

Yeah, it's gotta be weird for you. I I couldn't even imagine like having a large following and then people talking to me that I've never met before, like like they know me.

But I but I. But it's here's a weird thing. I almost I know I know you via what you know about me, and I know you via what I know about you from the past twenty minutes. So we can combine that those two I can combine those two informations enough for us to have this conversation. I know this is getting kind of meta, but.

You know, I.

Cool. Man, Well I'm well listen, but here's the thing. Regardless of what I uh, I appreciate you sharing your story, regardless of what happens with you know, your dad on Facebook.

Yeah, thanks man, I appreciate you giving me a call out of probably the hundreds of texts that you've gotten, this the first. I think it's well, this would be the second time that I've tried to call you.

Now I've only got I've gotten about how many texts do I have?

Right?

And I got about uh, I got about ten?

Oh about ten? Ship. That's still that's still I still feel lucky.

Chris Man. Is there anything else gonna say with the people of the computer before we go? Uh?

Well, you know a couple of years you said some a couple of years ago that you hate when people or you wish that people wouldn't give advice.

So, oh, I do forget forget forget You know how you just said that you listened to every episode of the podcast forget anything I ever said in any of those just forget it all. I didn't. I I was I was drunk the whole time. That's not true. But go ahead to say whatever, say whatever you want, man, go ahead.

Oh yeah, I was just gonna say, uh, I love you guys, and I hope everybody's doing well. I know it's hard time, so we can all get through it.

Yoh, thank you Josh. I appreciate you man. You have a good one.

Yeah you too.

Bye, Josh, all right bye. I love you, Gek, love you to you, buddy. Good guy like Josh. He's a nice man. He's a sweet boy, taking care of his family, living his life. Hmmm, I'm inspired by that. I'm inspired by that. He's got a good he's got a good head on his shoulders, doing a good thing.

Yeah.

Well, it's funny because he was asking me how it felt like to be twenty seven, and I'm like, dude, bro, you have like I feel like when you have two kids, you're like a real ass adult. I feel that's why I feel like I'm sixteen. You know, I'm in a precarious situation where like if I fell asleep right now, you know, nobody, nobody relies on me to uh exist and not die. You know that has this pros and cons. I think you know, but he seems like you got a lot of purpose from having people to rely on

Are you kidding?

Nothing? There is no kidding, There is only uh seriousness. What is your name?

Oh my god, my name is Lida.

I'm at work right now, Yo, Lida, you're at work? Are you? Are you able to interrupt your workday to have this conversation right now?

Oh?

Okay, okay, great, great? Could you do me a favorite? Could you take me off of like speakerphone or headset or whatever?

Yeah?

Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, you're off, you're speaker. Now.

Where are do you work?

I work at a hotel. I am a housekeeper?

Oh okay, are you off toilets?

Yeah?

Are you cleaning people? Are you cleaning ship off of toilets? Right now?

Thankfully, I'm actually done with that. My work just do was like a summer like barbecue. So yeah, it was really good. But like I'm allowed to throw up because I just ate too much food.

What did you eat? Would you have to eat?

Okay, let's see. I ate two cookies, I ate three cupcakes. I had a hamburger. I ate a hot dog. I ate some pizza salad, pizza salad, hold up pasta salad, my bad pizza salad sounds really good, though, somebody should.

Come up with that's a that's a lot. Do you feel Are you okay? Do you need medical atte? Do you feel okay right now? Mentally and physically after getting that?

No? But my mom is a nurse, so I will be okay.

Okay, that's not I don't. That's uh. It's helpful that your mom's a nurse, but I don't. Does it guarantee that you'll be okay forever?

Yes, it does. I'll probably live forever because of her.

And you know what, I respect your confidence in that answer.

Nobody else has agreed with me on that.

I don't know if I may have talked about this on the podcast once. I had a kind of embarrassing moment when I went to Tijuana a few months ago. I I'm a serial clogger. I'm known amongst the community as a serial clogger of toilets.

And oh my.

God, I remember that episode you talked to that one guy who was like, I clogged too many toilets, so I can't live anywhere.

Yeah, I'm like that too. That's why I can't have roommates. I clogged too many toilets. I was. I was at this hotel and I had like, uh, I clogged the toilet, and I had to I went down to the front desk and I had to be like tns esta and then do the like toilet plunger motion, like I'm plunging a toilet. And then they were like then they were like one second and then and then they came up to my room and they were about to go in.

That's how I feel when I talk to my coworkers, because they yeah, anyway, wait, okay, I'm nervous.

There's nothing. There's nothing nothing, nothing has happened. There's no this is there's nothing to be nervous about. I I we can uh yeah, there's you're not being like you don't try to be please, don't. You don't have to try to be anything. You don't have to try to be anyone. You don't have to care about this in any way, shape or form.

I don't care about anything.

Good good good.

Yeah.

Well, okay, let's there's a few things. Well, let me ask you this, was there a particular thing that you wanted to talk about today.

Let's see see, Unlike everybody else, I've thought about this like a bajillion times.

M hm, but hmmm.

Let's see. Okay, I just graduated from from high school.

Yeah, okay, And.

Let's see I just got actually, I just got accepted into cosmetology school.

Very nice.

And let's see, my brother got out of prison and he's coming to live with us.

Oh are you are you excited about that?

No? But you know, here's the thing. I have two I have three brothers. One of them passed away, and so now I'm having to be like extra thankful for my other brother. So I'm kind of trying to not be mad, but like, I'm in the middle of going to school, and it's kind of crazy that, you know, he's coming to live with us. I haven't seen him in years, in the middle of me going back to like cosmetology school, and so I'm just like, but.

You know, okay, why uh if you want, I mean, if you want to talk about it, why uh you would you had a very quick reaction when you said no, why no to being excited about him coming home.

Well, as a housekeeper, I am very particular about how I keep my living area, specifically like my bathroom, and so I don't think I really have to elaborate too much on that.

Okay, do you guys do you guys share? Do you guys share a living space?

Like?

Do you live in the same room?

No, I have my own room, but we're gonna have to share like a bathroom, okay kind of stuff.

Are you excited to see him?

I'm excited to see him. I am. I am. He's just a huge dick wad is how I would describe him?

Is he older or younger?

He's older, he's in his Uh all my brothers are in their thirties. I was quite the not planned sing so all I have every single one of my brothers are getting up there. So just fine.

You talked about and I'm sorry to hear about your brother that passed away. You were talking about how okay, because you have this is how many brothers? And is he the last remaining brother? Is there another brother?

So I have another brother that is on my dad's side. Okay, but he I don't talk to him. He's like bald and stuff, and he.

Has a kid, and the you don't talk to him because he's bald.

Partly he gets it from dad.

Okay, all right, that's fair. Sometimes sometimes you just don't want to talk to bald people. I get that, and I understand, yeah exactly.

And he's and he has a kid and stuff, and so it's just like, yeah, hey, you're my you're my brother man.

Okay, all right, I get it. Yeah, yeah, sure, you're eighteen. When you think of like a brother, you're like, you think of like a boy. You're like, you think of like a Dexter's laboratory kind of a boy. But your brother is a your brother is a bald, old man with a child's and so you're like, I don't even you're like a You're like a tertiary. You're like, I need to invent a new word beyond brother, uncle cousin. I need I need a new word to describe how

Let's see, I do feel that way. Let me think I do feel that way?

Really hey, real quick, real quick? Can you I don't know if you did something to your phone, but if you could just hold it right up to your ear, that would be great.

Sorry, sorry I had to take off my hoodie because we're not allowed to wear at work. But anyway, Yeah, so he's coming down, and then my dog Actually he doesn't like people. He only likes me and my mom.

Mm hmm. So that's wait wait wait wait wait wait wait, but but before you start talk about your dog, do you are you trying to use this as like a way to like, are you looking forward to like building a relationship back with your brother?

I kind of am. Here's the thing, he's just kind of a jerk, you know, he's just kind of a jerk, And that's like the main thing. But other than that, I guess I am. That's me excited. I haven't seen him in a long time.

Mm hm.

When when was the last time you saw him?

I saw him? Let's see, done, like three years.

Three years?

Do you? Yeah, like three years, because.

Did you visit him at all in prison?

No?

So the thing is he was there. He's all the way in Wyoming. I live in Oregon. Ohkay'm find you for Renica. Okay, it's okay. Sorry, my coworker had some drama for me. But anyway, we haven't visited him because he kind of like, I mean, we call him and stuff, but he kind of like he's too far away. Even when we go down to visit our family in the summer, he's just like way from where it's accessible to us. That makes sense.

Do you ever write letters to him or anything like that.

I did not write letters to him. I don't write letters to him, but we do talk, and you know, I tell him, like you know, brother and sister stuff. I guess like I tell him what's going on, but nothing like I don't know. He's just like we're not as we're not as close as I was with my other brother. We were much closer when that passed away. We were much closer. He's uh, it was like very cool, very cool fellow.

M They're nothing you like, do you alright? Do you is it possible? Do you think that your brother has like changed at all and praise Like, do you think he'll have he'll re emerge a different guy.

And that's what my mom keeps telling me. My mom thinks that he has because you know, we talked to him on the phone and stuff, and he seems a lot more normal than he was. I mean, I can say this, I think Yeah, I think so he was like addicted to mess and stuff. So he was just kind of like not who I remember him being when I was younger and stuff like that. Yeah, so it was just kind of like a struggle to I guess, relate to him and have a good relationship the way we did before. Yeah, if that makes.

Sense, Yeah, that makes sense. Is he is he clean now?

He's clean now just because I think it partially is mostly because he can't access it anymore.

But that's a that's a solid way to stop doing anything. Yeah, it is, it is.

It is.

It is. But I mean, I I I sympathize with him and whatnot. Ah, but it's just kind of hard to because he was.

Very rude.

But otherwise what is left to be done in here?

Well, listen, what's your name again?

I've heard everything, but wipe it down. Sorry, my name is Lena.

Lena, Lena. I'm gonna let you get back to work, but uh, you know, I appreciate you sharing your your story, and I hope that uh things go well with you and and your and your.

Thank you than your brother. Thank you. I appreciate that. I appreciate that. And uh yeah, I've been listening to middle school so this is awesome. I couldn't even believe it.

Rock and roll. Man, Well, thank you very much for listening. Good luck, and I'll see you. I'll see you around the universe.

Thank you so much, Thank you so much. I'll talk to you later maybe probably bye bye bye.

No fucking way that works, bro.

What's up?

Man?

What's your name?

What's up? My name?

Has life?

Personally? In my life, a lot is going great, but then like in the world, it seems like everything kind of stucks.

Yes, yeah, uh a lot. Don't you what that everything in the world sucks?

Yeah?

Yeah, I mean I have a lot of thoughts on this, and I get into fights with people about it sometimes about whether the world sucks because well because and I don't know, I hate uh, part of me wants to shut up, but I'm the one who has a fucking podcast. But this is large part of me that and you know what, fuck it is. The world's for as long

It's not dismissive to say that like war is always a thing, because then if that also means if war is also always happening, that also has to mean that good thing are always happening as well simultaneously.

Yeah.

Yeah, there's always been ship in the world. There's always been bad stuff, there's always been for but there's always been super cool as always been.

I I I, and I don't say it to be dismissive. I say it to be hopeful because I think people have this uh, because we're you know, every every hundred years there's new people. And I think people have this uh feeling that like everything we're going through is like unprecedented, And I and I have I have that feeling a lot of times. And it's scary, and I mean, it's certainly unprecedented for us because we've never well sorry hold on, let me let me finish talking real quick.

Oh yeah, okay, sorry.

It's unprecedented for us because we're the people that uh have you know, we're the first people going through it as are we We're the it's the first time for us going through it, right yeah. Yeah, But I mean and also America, it didn't feel like uh, we always felt like uh because we're like in power right now at this point in the world, and so we always felt like we were the like, oh, we're gonna be fine. Nothing bad is ever gonna happen to us in America.

The first time we've it's just the first time we've experienced it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, So that's that's all I have to say.

Yeah, of course, yeah.

It's great. It's but like I want to go live my life. Man, I want to it. It's I I guess what. I I can see why people think that's a dismissive take, because I want to I want to counter that take slightly, like I'm not I want to dismiss it, but I feel.

Like, because.

We pee, I want to live, like I want to do stuff like I used to be really really depressed like I used to.

Uh.

I mean not to get like super into it or anything, but I gotten I've gotten tree close to crossing over the Rainbow Bridge a few times by my own hand, and like I wouldn't want to say him over that period of my life, but it's definitely I'm never going to get that far again. And I'm at a point

I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't. I'm not going to pretend like I have an answer for that of what we do. Yeah.

No, that's a whole people, that's a degree.

Yeah, I'm not going to pretend like I have an answer of what we do about it. And I'm only speaking to uh, I'm just speaking to like this sense of like on dread of like uh, you know, feeling feeling like things are unprecedented. That's all I'm speaking. I don't have a I don't have a I don't. I'm not pretending like I have a solution for, you know, the state of the world. I I wouldn't even it's so deeply beyond me and even I Also, if people,

Yeah, definitely definitely a lot to be anxious about, that's for sure.

Mm hmm.

So what do you so, what do you want to do that you like, you want to leave you want to go move to Germany?

Yeah, so, I mean so that's that's the like decision that I've got. It decided for a multitude of reasons, and the government actually being a pretty small part of that decision. Most of it is simply because my partner is part German, he lived there during the summers when he's a kid, and it just works out really well. I've always been interested in German culture, and because I

And so why are you so, why are you saying that you you don't feel like you can live your life?

Well speak like not It's not that I can't in long story short, but the people running the systems of our like world the airport. Government might not let that happen because of stupid culture war issues like uh trans quote unquote ideology and uh like race war ship people just stop realizing that the war is not left or right, but it's up and down.

Sure, yeah, I I I agree with that, but so and I I agree with that and empathize that that's a terrifying thing. But I want to get down to why you feel like you can't like do the things that you want to do.

Like, I guess, what do you what do you mean? Then I'm strug going to understand that.

You said you said I want to live my life.

Yeah, I guess in a way, I'm kind of let the pressure of that whole government not let me live my life already. I like, personally, I've kind of gotten myself into this weird bubble of just not seeing one just going to work and going home. But that's more of like a personal like I guess my personal well it is personal issue, but not necessarily related to the government.

Okay, okay, So so why do you feel like you can't live your life? And also I guess what does it even what does it mean for you to live your life?

Well?

Well, so I'm a I'm a musician. I might have mentioned earlier. I'm playing on studying studying music in Germany. And that's just kind of how that's what that is my life, That's how I live my life. I've been playing drums since I was too my dad taught me how. It's just that's how I live. And for for a good while, I had this band in the local scene and I did a lot of shows. Sorry, it's gonna get uh, it's you opened up a can of worm,

It kind of just like.

Made me go back to how it was before I did all that band stuff, because that was like I started to do the band stuff after I like finished a program to deal with my personal issues, like I got addiction issues, I got trauma issues from middle school middle school bullying. It was like intense, tense uh stemming you know, into addiction issues.

So then.

Where am I?

Where am I?

Like I train of thoughts?

Sorry, So that's that's that's okay. Well, I mean listen, man, look, let's you want to bring it back to I guess what we were initially talking about.

Yeah yeah, sure, sure.

I mean just the just the concept of like living your life right, Yeah, you have you have okay? So I mean you have this uh uh partner that you're very in love with, and you want to go within to Germany. And where do you live now? Uh?

In the city. I I don't care people people know me. I live in Seattle.

You live in Seattle, Okay, and you want to move to where in Germany.

Well, it's it's gonna be a few different places. It's going to start with Munich because there's like this program that I'm going to be doing for German language, but Munich to be determined.

Brother, I don't know you very well, but you sound like you're living your life pretty well. You know, you're in you're in a you're in a relationship, you're about to go learn fucking Germany. You you sound like you're doing again. I don't know you very well, but you you sound like you're living your life.

Yeah, I mean I am. I definitely am. Don't get your wrong. Especially this is because, uh, you know, I moved out of my parents' house to go to my partner's apartment and that was only like the second time I lived by myself after her going to Florida. But that's a whole lot of dan worms mm hmm. But like, so yeah, in essence, I am, I'm just not like doing as much as I was, so I I.

I don't know, that's I guess those are my I mean, I guess back to talking about just general world events. I mean I kind of think.

That's just the whole thing.

Well, I don't have I don't have a solution for it. But uh, I mean living your life the best way you want to live it is uh, you know, with it, but living your life the best way you want to live it within the confines you have to live it is uh. One of many good answers, one one of many potential good answers. AH to facing this weird a dread that I think our generation is looking forward to the world with.

Yeah, yeah, it's I don't know when it comes to my life objectively, like with even with me not feeling I'm like, I'm living it like objectively, like when I really looked at it, I do, like I love I love my life right now. I love working, coming home to my partner and just you know, living Most of the time we cooked cooked dinner by ourselves because it's just expensive to eat. But it kind of made me

Talk about, ship, what we tald, what we talked about A lot.

We did Yeah, that's true. I text, you know, a text I told you, like I worked for the you your company rentals.

Mm hmm. Do you do you feel do you feel there's any well, I mean, do you feel I guess on on all the subjects that we've covered, and I want to I genuinely want you, genuinely want to know. Do you feel satisfied with our conversation about them? Is

Yeah.

No, no, I I do feel good talking about it. I guess I'm still just a little I wasn't expecting to talk to you right now anyways, but.

No, it does feel good to.

Kind of get it all out there in a in a way I kind of haven't really put it all out there like anybody else for a good while now, like like the way I did, Like I've you know, gone into bits and pieces of it, but just you know, saying everything that I've been thinking about, because this is pretty much what I've actually been thinking about, like this exact conversation and all stuff we're talking about has kind of just been the stuff I've been thinking about this

Although like, uh, why are you not do you? But you're doing a lot? What do you what do you like you're not doing?

Just like that's the thing like going to shows, Like I haven't I've been really doing much with my music lately, is what I'm trying to say. Like I haven't been going to many shows at all, really haven't been going practicing guitar. I haven't been recording much, like and that's kind of like for the longest time, the thing that just has been the biggest part of me, Like that's like that was my thing, that was the thing I

Mm hmm. Let me say, let me say this, let me let me you know, let me let me say this, and uh, people might take issue with this, and but it's I don't know, It's it's how I'm feeling in the moment that I'm thinking about this right now and I'm talking to you. Is that uh, like, listen, you

You know.

That's the that's, in my opinion, the best resistance that you can do. Because when you're when you're spiraling, it's like people are the the most engaging emotions are are are fear and anger and all the companies and all these So when you're stopping on the Instagram post and you're you're letting your existential dread about the state of the world stop you from living your life. You're you're like you're you're really letting them win. And I really

So yeah, yeah, thank you, thank you Jack. I think you know, I think I really needed to hear that really badly.

Like I.

Knew it subconsciously. It's like kind of people know that, like they can like know things be where they know it cautiously. But it's I appreciate you kind of talent me the way you did the work. I don't know, it just it made sense.

Good good, I'm glad. I'm glad. And and by the way, man, you have a nice life, you know you really you do, Like yeah, you like like you have. You were excited about the future, you got You're gonna go on this trip. You have this person that you clearly love in your life. You have these hobbies that you cleue love in your life, like just don't like please please, like obviously it's hard,

I've spent way too much time in like that way but really dark head space to have her go back there? So good good fuck that?

What is your name again?

Uh?

Actually you know I said my real name beginning of a podcast, but I'm realizing now you could like change it up. I'd be I appreciate it.

Sure, I can, I can. I can get rid of it, just like I know.

I know live stream internet isn't permanent.

But on this you're your name. Get rid of your name.

Well, do a coffee. I'm in front of a coffee shop.

You can call me coffee, perfect coffee. Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

Keep your head up, keep going even though life my fucking suck outside my scene like that, I guess, don't like make it interrupt your personal life for inject your personal life as I sort.

Of have se Yeah, thank you do you have a good rest of your life.

Thank you, you as wells blesses.

Thank you, But he's not really an expert.