Hi, hey, Lyle, Am I coming in good?
Are you coming in good? That's a loaded question. Yeah, you see you seem friendly, you seem like uh, you know, you seem you seem cool. Yeah, I think you're coming in good.
No, sorry, I meant dight sound good?
Okay, No, I know that's what you meant. What is your name?
My name is Fenn. But you can just call me Fen.
What do you prefer to.
Be called Le or ghek?
Whatever is in your spirit. You can call me Lyle, you can call me Ghek. It makes no difference to feel comfortable too. You know, if you don't need to make me feel comfortable, you owe me nothing. Fenn fan fan fan fann Uh? What's up? How can I get you today? What did you want to talk about?
So I've come to the realization, but I don't I don't know if I feel emotions correctly, Like I have to analyze the situation afterwards or during a conversation to know if it's the right thing to feel. I mean, I can kind of give you an.
Example if you want, Okay, sure.
Literally two days ago at work, I was I was pitching something at work retail, and somebody was apparently. I think he was trying to get empathy because he was talking about how he went through a divorce and all I said was rip, and then I continued the conversation and pitching my stuff. Afterwards, I was like, oh crap, I think he was you know, I was supposed to, like, you know, like say something to make him feel that.
I don't know.
I didn't.
I just was like, whatever, okay, and and what is it that you feel like? That's an example of.
I just don't know if I feel things correctly. I've even like there's been deaths in the family where I'm just like neutral. I just maybe I'm I don't know if I'm supposed to feel bad about it or if I'm supposed to comfort other people. I just I don't know.
So what do you feel like you should have said instead of rip.
I'm maybe I'm sorry, or maybe stop what I've might pitch, like instead of continuing to pitch what I was supposed to, you know, the song and dance, maybe just be like oh that now, I don't know, try and empathize with the person. I I don't know, something to that nature, I would assume.
How do you think he responded emotionally to you saying.
Rip, He just uh, he didn't really say anything. He just kind of looked down and we finished a transaction.
And he left.
So that's why I was like, ah, crap, maybe I was supposed to say something different.
Do you think it made him feel bad?
I don't know.
Maybe I guess.
I don't know.
Okay, maybe what would you want? I'm not sure what would you want someone to say to you in a situation like that.
I wouldn't care. I wouldn't. I would say something. And then if they elicit a response that, you know, whatever their heart desire, I don't. I'm not their fucking parents, Like, I'm not gonna tell them how to feel about my situation. So I don't know. I don't expect anything from that.
Okay, So you felt justified in saying rip because if you don't at the end and somebody said that to you, you kind of wouldn't care.
Well, well, no, I assume that I'm supposed to elicit empathy, but I I didn't think about that until afterwards.
Okay, do you feel like you have some kind of responsibility to comfort this guy?
No?
Actually that is just that was just you know, one example of many of how I'm I think I'm supposed to say something else, but I do another, and I don't know. I feel like I do that pretty often and I think about it afterwards, and I'm like, oh crap, Maybe I'm supposed to I'm supposed to be angry with that person, or I was supposed to be happy with them and I was just neutral, or I said something that I probably wasn't supposed to say at that time.
Give me another example.
Okay, so a person that I work with, he uh, he had a something that like traumatized him, but I it didn't bother me at all. He uh, and it's very weird for me to even understand his situation. But uh, a girl that he dated like eight years ago is that he was like still fond of uh started dating someone else and that made him like so sad he had to like go to therapy and figure his life out. And I was just like, Okay, that's weird. I don't know, right. I was just like, sure, Okay, I didn't uh comfort
him or I wasn't like angry about it. I just didn't understand. I was like, that's weird. And then I just kind of moved on and was like, all right, as long as you, you know, show show up to work or whatever, that's fine.
Why do you feel like you have a problem with the way that you've been responding to these situations.
Because it's never what I assume people are supposed to Like I assume like as a human we're supposed to like be apathetic or empathetic or anger or happiness or not just neutral all the time?
Does anything make you feel emotional?
So, like, I don't know through the call screening, I don't know if you saw that, but uh, I'm assembly Ferry. So I go to like these cons and when I like do tons of like drugs and shit like yeah, then I'm like like super all about it. But I don't know if it's just like the drugs making me super happy or if it's something that's actually me.
Okay, okay, So what if you just did drugs all the time?
I don't think that's a very good idea because you still have to live your life now at the end of the day. It still has to be me doing things. The drugs are just you know, something to make you feel a little good at a certain period of time.
Okay, So you say you're a femboy furry Hey yeah, okay? Does that make you feel emotional?
So it makes you feel like I can be a different person when I change, when I wear something else, I don't have to play the facade of being who I am when I'm normally around people. It's almost like completely being a different person. It doesn't change me emotionally, but it makes me feel different, like as presentation wise, I can be something else.
Yeah. Does your desire to be something else stem from a disa, from a dissatisfaction of who you already are?
M M. I wouldn't say so. Maybe just because I I do like to Uh, I like run a lot, but it's mainly because of that dopamine rush. I'm wondering if maybe I'm just not satisfied with my body and that.
Could be it.
And maybe when I wear a different outfit it makes me feel like better. I guess that that could be a feeling. I don't know. Maybe just having a different sona just excites me that you can play a part. It's almost like, you know how people play roles in D and D and they're a different person, or when you play an RPG and you play as a different person and and and you living a different life.
When you are cosplaying as this famboy fur a, do you feel more emotional?
I feel more open, just because it's harder to recognize me. I feel like that probably happens with a lot of people that assume a mask. When they wear a mask, you know, it changes literally your persona because you're wearing a mask.
I'm familiar with that.
Yah.
Yeah, some refer it to me. Some have referred to me as a scally.
I don't think so. I feel like that's something that like you identify as, and if you don't identify as that, then that's probably wrong of them to say that's something you personally would have to be okay with?
Good good, I'm glad to hear that. Okay, So when you're on dry and you're feeling all your feelings, yeah, does that feel good? Oh?
It feels amazing. Sometimes I go a little too far, but like mm hmm. Sometimes I'll do like acid or molly, and those are of course, they make you give you a really good feelings. It's all just the warm and fuzzies while you're walking around. But uh yeah, it definitely makes you looser and happier, more open to talking to people.
Okay, and you like the way that feels when you feel open to talking to people.
Absolutely.
I like that.
There's a I don't know, and maybe a block. It gets rid of that barrier that I normally feel, which I guess is a feeling.
So would it be a productive goal for you? And you know, listen, answer this question honestly because there's no required You don't. You don't have to fucking do anything. Okay, you don't have to become empathetic, you don't. You don't have to do anything, all right, you can eat food and die. You don't have to do anything shit. So I answer this question honestly.
Yeah. Yeah.
Do you desire to learn how to break that barrier without the use of drugs?
So I like being distant because it makes you, It makes you feel safer. I guess for a lot of people it just it gives you some space between other people. But I think breaking the barrier would be healthier. I'm not gonna play around like it's a good thing that I don't feel the same things that I should feel in a situation. I think, just for my sake moving forward, it would make me a better. Uh, whatever I am when I'm talking to people or just in different situations.
Okay, all right, I'm gonna tell you one thing, and this is maybe I don't know. I'm not I'm not sure how sure I am of this, but let's play around with it as an idea. Okay, all right. I think for you to break this barrier, I think you would benefit from getting over the idea that you should
be a certain way in any situation. Because if you're talking to some fucking guy about his fucking divorce and you don't care, but you feel like you should care, I don't think that's going to get you very far right. Like this, this abstract notion from an abstract place that you should feel or do something is really worthless, I think, because, like I said, you don't have to do anything. There's
nothing you should do. Like even the question of should you be a good person, it's like do you have to? I don't know. You were born eat food and you don't have to. You don't have to do anything. You really don't. So for you to break this barrier, I
think at least this is give me a second. I want to hear your thoughts, but I think, yeah, to break this barrier, You're gonna have to want to be more you know, empathetic, because you're not gonna just do some shit because you feel this abstract societal notion that you should. You have to want to and like really look inside of yourself and see if you want to.
I don't know if you want to, but I don't think you're going to go very far and breaking this barrier unless if you actually want to be different in the way that you're reacting with people and with the world. Right, that's just something weird pitball into my mind right now. What were you going to say?
Oh? No, I was just just going to agree with you, like, yeah, I think greatness can come from different things, and people just assume that greatness is just doing good. You can be great doing a bunch of different things as long as you just live your life, living life.
Who brought up who brought up anything about being great?
No, you were saying, like, do whatever you want and sorry, that was my word.
I was saying.
Greenness is just whatever you want to do. Yeah, you were just saying, just do what you want to do. Yeah, you don't owe anything to anybody.
No, you don't. But but you can if you want, if you want to go out and be more empathetic, then then you should do that.
Yeah, I guess that's the goal that read.
Do you go to the conventions? Do you go to the furrycons? Oh?
Yeah, I've been doing it for a couple of years.
Now what animal are you?
So?
I have different sonas when I do sendboys stuff, I don't really do my sona but mine is a wife or wolf, So it's a it's a mixture of a. She's a dragon and she's a wolf. So she's got like dragon wings and a wolf body.
That sounds intimidating but also kind of not.
She's very uh more essential. She's a uh not soon Dario. What's the other one?
Shoot?
I don't I forgot.
It's called but tell me about is real quick? What's all right you? What's your name? Ben Wren? Yeah? Yeah, okay. What's the difference between you and this character that you're playing when you put this dragon wolf suit? Oh?
Val? So VAL's more after figured out the word yan dinner. She's she's more uh sensual, She's a she likes to be seen. She's someone that's more up front. She's a I don't explain. She's she's like the opposite of anything that like someone would want to coil back from. She's very happy and uh likes to uh hang out with people and do fun things, and uh she's kind of like a I guess, the opposite of someone like me. I guess that's why I created her like that.
Okay, how many different personas do you have?
I have vel and then most of the time I do friendboy stuff, So findboy stuff's a lot easier. Uh, I don't have to dress up or anything, well mainly, Yeah, just like skirts and different nous.
Well, let me can I just I have I have one sort of final kind of point on this that I want to talk to you about before we go, which is, Okay, you've you've created this persona, which is a dragon wolf character that you say possesses a lot of qualities that you, as FEN do not that I assume when you were creating this character you created those
qualities intentionally because they were quality. Is that you wanted to embody but did not feel like you canm body as yourself, So you created a new persona to be able to embody these qualities. Is that accurate?
Yeah?
Yeah, Okay, so so, and I assume that with these other personas that you have, that you've done a similar thing. So let me ask you this why exactly? Okay, I think I'm kind of thinking about this here. The fact that you created a new a character with certain traits signals to me that you desire to have these traits in your life, which goes back to again the want to break that barrier that we talked about was probably
necessary in order to break it. So to me, the fact that you created this character means that that want is there, that you're not following a should. You actually genuinely do want to have the qualities that you put into this dragon wolf character. So the want is there, and so now tell me why. Like, you know, it's cool that you're having fun and you're doing what you
want to be doing. But why if you know that you want these characteristics, if you find yourself being able to embody these characteristics when you put on this wolf dragon costume, why can't you take these characteristics in this character and try to incorporate them in your actual life as fen.
I don't know if it's the right word, but maybe it's the cognitive dissonance, Like I guess it's like a switch that gets turned off and on when you're switching between these people creatures, depending what you're doing. I don't know, it's just something that's I feel it. It's harder to associate into who you are when you've been the same thing for so long. I guess as to like creating something new that is already born with these features.
Okay, I guess I'm trying to get down to the bottom of again. I mean that makes sense. Okay, you're you're you're like thinking of yourself as well. I'm already this unemotional guy, and I'm already, you know, uh, set in my stone of who I am. So let's I'm just gonna throw myself in the trash and start from a blank slate creating this these this new character with new personality traits that I think are more favorable to the ones I already have. Is that accurate at all?
Yeah? No, Yeah, pretty much. Buha.
So I guess if we've establshed, is this something you've thought about, by the way, or is this conversation the first time you've really thought about why you're doing these things?
It is the first time I actually thought about it. More so, I just I jumped it. Jumping into this the furry SIMBOI thing was more so like a couple of steps because I started off as a raver, and then I really enjoyed hanging out with furries and stuff, and then I was like, oh, I'm actually super into this way more so, Okay, it's just like one one from one thing to another.
Okay, I I'm not going to tell you what to do or how to live your life. But I guess, well, advice, advice, Okay, all right, because I guess I don't see a good clear reason as to why you've decided in your mind that, again, if you're just having fun, you know, please go have fun and do whatever you want to do, you know, with your life and with dressing up and going to
these conventions and all that. But I guess what I don't see is why you have decided for yourself that you can't add or change, add on to or change your personality to have the sort of traits that you desire in yourself, and why you feel the need to create a new persona for it. I don't know if that comes from a place of fear. I don't know if that comes from a place of you know, it's more that's more difficult than creating a new character. But I feel like those could be helpful things to maybe
think about. Yeah.
Absolutely, I just think it's a more easier said than done. Of course, maybe I just took the simpler route.
I guess sure. And uh fucking look, bro, nothing wrong like I like I've been saying, nothing wrong with that. You don't have to do shit if you want to. If your way of you it's I'm dead serious. If your way of becoming a better person is to dress up as a dragon wolf, and that fucking works for you, and by god, roam the streets proudly as a dragon wolf. But you know, these are all things to think about.
How do you feel about this conversation, Fenn? Is there any other aspect of this or anything at all that you feel like would be productive to to end on a final thoughts about anything we've talked about, or anything at all in the entire universe.
I think it's just important more so to just talk, have talk to somebody about it and have them listen. I just I don't really have that, and I feel like a lot of people don't either, So I guess I'll say I appreciate that from you, and I'm sure other people too as well. I know a lot of people have these thoughts things they are free to tell other people, and maybe it's easier to tell some stranger on the internet than talk to their friends or family.
Do you have sex in the dragon wolf costume?
Only when I send boy? Because them boy, I like, you know, it's already there. All I have to do is pull up the skirt, uh or take off the panties. That's a lot easier, depends I guess where I'm going to, because you know, not everybody wants that.
I'm glad you found something that works for you in your life. Fenn, is there anything else you want to say? Other the people the computer?
Before I go?
Do good degree?
I guess beautiful, take care of Finn.
See.
Uh.
You know, here's the thing that I that I think about is I I personally have never tried, you know, having sex and a dragon costume or I'm a pretty I'm a pretty vanilla guy, and I don't have a strong desire to expand beyond that, but I gotta I have to imagine that if I were into dressing up like a dragon and getting fucked like that, it would be awesome. I have to imagine that, like I be
only being into vanilla stuff. I'm like limited, And I'm jealous of the people that are dressing up like dragons and fucking like that because they're probably having a way better sexual experience than I am because I can't get into it, and I'm jealous of that. But also, I mean, I don't know. I have never dressed up in a dragon costume and been fucked like that, so I could like it, but I'm not brave enough to try, and maybe that's what's wrong with me. Hello, Hello, Hi there
since the get go? Yes, who is this?
I'll just Alloyd.
Lauren from Canada? Hi, what's going on? Lauren from Canada?
Well, I just wanted to talk about being a cam girls and and only fans creators.
Mm hmm.
Yeah.
It says here that you've been doing camgirls stuff while going to school. You want to continue doing camming, but it says here that you will have to tell your parents.
I will, and it's I mean, my mom is very sex positive. She also does like she's a dominatrix. I just I feel like if I tell her, I do like I do camming and stuff. She might feel like I like she influenced me to do it, and I don't want her to feel like that. And I'm also I'm in school for fashions, so like I still want to do that, but I, I mean, I love camming. I can't lie.
Very interesting, you know. It's I've I think we've talked to people on here who do only fans and can am stuff before, and I think we've talked to them about this, this whole issue of whether or not to talk to, you know, the people in their life about it. But never have I talked to somebody with this particular situation where your mother is also a sex worker. Yeah, and it.
It was really hard when I was growing up because she I don't know, I feel like she talked about it with me a little too young. So at first that was kind of resentful. I was like, oh my gosh, like I can't believe my mom does this. But now I don't know, it's weird.
Interesting. So I want to ask you a question here. And so you're afraid to tell your mom because you're afraid that she might think that she influenced you and that that might make her feel bad and you don't want to make her feel bad.
I don't know, and it's this is hard because she I mean, she has to hide it from my grandparents because they're like ultra religious. Like I want to tell her because I'm doing I'm doing really good, like I'm it's become like a full time career for me, Like I I'm only twenty and I'm I don't know, I don't know. I'm very proud. I'm very proud of myself, and I really like being a cam girl. It's super fun,
It's like very freeing. But I just I don't know, like I have this like weird guilt about doing it.
What is the guilt about?
I just I don't want my mom to feel like she. I don't know.
Let me ask. Can I ask you a question? I'm just curious and listen. You don't have to answer anything you don't want to. But I am kind of curious. Did your mom influenced you at all to do this?
I don't know. I need to go and see like an actual therapist to be honest.
Okay, But I.
Mean she always talked about it very openly, and I mean when I first thought of the idea, I mean what I do is completely different from what she does. And when I first got into it, I was kind of just more curious sexually because I was kind of exploring my like exhibitionalist kink and I was looking at It was during COVID when like omnikrome was a big thing. So I used to be a server and I wasn't really making much money. So I was like, Okay, well I'm into being kind of shown off, Like I like,
I really like attention. I like people watching me, and I also kind of needed the money. So I started doing it. And it's at the first time I streamed, I got over a thousand years I I've been doing it for about a year. I have like sixty thousand subscribers, which is pretty good.
Okay, So so I guess I'm still confused about where the guilt is coming from.
I don't know. I guess I shouldn't feel guilty.
Well listen, I mean, I I think it's because I'm no go ahead, please. I think it's just.
Because I'm in school and my parents are always talking like, oh, like you're in fashion, Like we're so proud of you for like doing fashion. And also my grandpa like helped me pay for a lot of my school, and he's like ultra religious, like, so I get maybe I feel more guilty about that because I mean, I still want to do some fashion stuff. I feel like it'd be really cool to like make a to laingerie brand or something. I could use my degree for that. But I don't know.
I just I the thing is just like I don't know if I want to tell them right after I'm done school because I don't know. I'm scared to tell them. But I'm done school. I only have one semester left. I'm done in April, so I need to either tell them and just do full time cam or like get a job, or like lie to some about.
Getting Like I don't know.
I think I'm just scared to tell them. I don't know.
Okay, Well I have I mean, I have a couple of thoughts. Okay, why do you say that you have to tell them?
Like?
What is what in your mind is making you feel like that?
Well, my dad was gonna help me get a job after school because he does something that could get me into I don't want to I don't want to say the specific job, but I could he could help me get into a specific thing with fashion, but I I don't know. I just I want to keep camming doing my only fans full time. They're just very involved in like me being in school and me getting a job. So I don't know. But I'm also lying to them right now about having a job that I don't have.
So okay, well, okay, So here here's some thoughts that are coming to mind. Is I think, well, you know, you should feel empowered to live your own life and do whatever it is that you want to do. And well, I think that, like, I don't know, I understand why you're afraid of what your parents think of you. But it's,
like I guess, to me, not a compelling thing. It's I think ideally, your relationship with your parents is like I love you guys, and I I do A relationship with the parents is like I love you guys, but I don't care what you think about you know, how I choose to live my life and I'm not going to, uh, you know, make any decisions in the short life that I have on this planet based off of what you guys think of me, and for that matter, what anyone thinks of me.
You know.
That's I think I think that's ideally how it would go down.
Hi, I say that to myself, But then I just I don't know. It's also scary. But I have a boyfriend and he cancel me sometimes too, and I could never tell his parents because his I feel like if I if his mom found out, like she would stop talking to me completely.
So like I'm also, well, listen, here's the thing is like obviously, no, God, please go ahead.
I'm sorry, you go ahead.
No, No, I want to hear what you're gonna say.
Well, I was gonna say like I do say to myself a lot of the times, like I don't really care what people think of me, and like my parents just told me, like they're like, oh, Lauren, like we just we want you to do whatever makes you happy. We absolutely don't care, Like you can do whatever you want as long as like you can pay the bills and you're happy. We don't care. But then I, I don't know, I get so anxious about it, like I
need to just rip the band aid off. But but I'm also really proud of myself and the work I've done, because it's a.
Lot of work, good good. I think the other aspect of this was like you know, and it was like the attention that you're getting, Like, I guess I'm hoping because all of this is all about like it's because Okay, it's very funny. I feel like you're balanced. Like the two main things I had with this was like you're talking about how you like the attention that you're getting, and then you talking about, you know, a possibility of
negative attention from your parents. And I thought they were two separate things, but I'm realizing that they're both linked together in a way because it's like my question to you is are you is how heavily you're being influenced in your life and your happiness and your decisions by other people's opinions of you, be they positive or negative, Like I think it's a tough thing. I guess starting
with the positive, it's a tough thing. If you're building a thing where it's making you happy and you're proud of it because of other people's positive validation of you, I'm really glad to hear that you're proud of what you do. And you know, you said to me just now something that I thought was a positive thing where you were like, I'm proud of it. Because it was a lot of work, and I did the work. And I think that's a really positive type of pride that
you're taking. And so I'm glad to hear that. I think more I think that's more positive than if you would say something like, oh, I really like I don't know the validation that it gives me or something like that, because that can be a dangerous sort of a thing. And then onto the negative side, like this fear of of uh, negative attention from your parents, from your boyfriend's parents is like again, I understand the fear of it. But and you know, and you look, you don't have
you don't have to tell anyone if you're uncomfortable. You know, this is your life. You can you can do whatever you want. And then includes you know, how how close to your your chest you want to, you know, keep this thing that you're doing. But I guess I would just hope that you, as you maneuver your life, feel empowered to do so, you know, regardless of other people's opinions of you, be they positive or negative. If that makes sense, that does make sense.
Yeah, well, I think I'm negotiating in my head if I want to. I'm definitely not going to tell my boyfriend's mom that I can't do that, so I need to. I'm just trying to navigate how I'm going to.
Go about that.
Because I don't know. But I'm also just.
Sorry.
I'm just trying to. I don't know if I oh my gosh, I'm sorry.
I can't think.
No, no worries time.
M Yeah. No, I'm definitely not going to tell my boyfriend's mom. I guess I'm just trying to. I don't like lying to people. Okay, I don't know. I I think I would leave it up to him if he wanted to tell her, because he also camps with me. I don't know if I mentioned that. Mm hmm. I don't know. I'm debating if I want to tell my parents or not, because I don't know if you'll have
a positive reaction or negative reaction. I feel like my mom will either be like, oh, I may like you're doing what you want and you're doing good at it. Like I don't know if she'll either be happy or she'll put it, if she'll if she'll be upset with herself and feel like I'm doing it because she influenceiated it is that.
Yes, it does and you know, look, here's the main thing I want to say is obviously it's up to you, and you know, on this call, I'm not like like, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I guess, I I guess to me, the ideal situation is a world where you're so proud of what you do and you like doing it so much, and you're really like, you're so convicted in that sense that you're not afraid of a potential negative reaction from your parents
or from anyone else because of that conviction where you're like, listen my mom, where you're just like, listen, mom, I do you know camming? I do this and I love it. It's great. I love the freedom, I love expressing myself. I feel proud of profile that I've built. And you know, you can feel however you want to feel about it. But you know, my my pride and myself and my happiness in doing what I'm doing will remain the same
regardless of how you feel. And I don't know, again, I'm not you know, you should do whatever you're comfortable with, but I hope that you have the I guess the courage too, like really feel convicted in those those things enough to not care what other people's opinions are.
Yeah, I am trying my best to not care what other people think of me, especially now being like online, I can't really let people this opinions like affect me or I would completely be.
Enough, right, I mean that's part. I mean, that's part of the thing of of you know, whether whether it's camming or making fucking YouTube videos about legos, like whatever you do on the internet, there will be people who you know, attack you and shut on you and uh say all these things. And I mean it's an inevitability
of putting yourself. It's inevitability of putting yourself out there in any situation really, and like becoming okay with that, becoming okay with that is is really a path to I don't know, like some some true form of freedom. And it's hard and I'm not there at all. But when I think of like a true, true, true freedom, you know, it looks something like that.
I agree.
Yeah, Well, maybe I will tell her. I think I want to tell her.
I'm just.
I mean, no, it's hard, it's a difficult. It's a difficult thing. I understand the the the fear involved. But but I mean all that said, I'm glad to hear that you found something that that you really like doing, and it sounds like you're doing it for positive reasons. I thank you.
I it's I sound it's really amazing. I think camming's awesome because you know, I mean, if we can get into like ethical and unethical porn. I think camming is amazing because you actually know, like where your money's going and like tip typically and you know the person like I. I like the idea of woman being in control of porn, if that makes sense, because.
I saw.
The amount of there's I don't know, there's a lot of dark sides of porn. So I think it's really amazing. Personally, I'm also right, I try my hardest to be as realistic as possible. I feel like corn is very unrealistic. Like so I I try to be as realistic as possible, and I always it's fun. I give like sex advice on my stream and stuff. I don't know, I sound.
Weird to some people, but no, I don't think it sounds where like I was going to say, one of the first things I brought up and worked, we're on the point of like other people's opinions, be they positive
or negative. One of the first things I brought up was like, when you talked about liking doing this is again, if you had, you know, said I like doing this because it gives me validation, I would have been like, you know, I mean, that's a that's a tough road to go down because it's a it's a flimsy base to be doing something for. But I mean the things
that you're talking about, you like expressing yourself. You you feel as though you are presenting a more realistic idea of sex, and you feel as though that's been a positive thing to present.
I mean, I do like the attention, but it's more it's kind of a kink of mine, like kimming is like a it's an actual kink that I have, Like it's I don't know it it turns me on when there's like thousands of people watching me. Like how I don't have sex or masturbate.
I don't know.
I don't know why, but I mean it's awesome. I get paid to have work out of.
Nothing wrong with that either, you know. I like talking to people and having conversations, and I think that there's something good about trying to you know, listen to people and stuff, but I also like when somebody cool follows me on Instagram, so you know, I like attention too. So yeah, I think I think you're doing great.
Man.
I wish you many more years of happiness and enjoyment and freedom to live however you want to live than you you want to say to the people of the computer before we go, my boyfriend.
Really wants to say hi. He's a big fan. Can you say hello?
Sure? What's his name?
Jackson?
And he streams with me too.
Yeah, Hello, while I put Lauren on your stream, I just want to say hi, and I appreciate what you do. That's it, So thank you and thank you for talking to Lauren.
So have a good night.
Hey, I appreciate what you do too. I'll have to check it out sometime.
Okay, you have a good one.
You too, take care.
Thank you.
Hello, Hello, Hi, who is this?
Hi? I'm Addison.
What's going on? Addison?
Well?
I called in because recently, I've I say recently, but for a long time, I've been just like the butt of a lot of people's jokes and I'm always like talked over, and it just it it's really affecting my self esteem and like it just makes me feel like I'm stupid half the time?
What kinds of jokes are people people making?
Like I'll just I'll be talking about something that I'm interested in, and mhm, They'll just like make fun of the things that I'm interested in, and they'll they'll literally have they'll call me like stupid half half the time
most of the time. And and I don't think they like really get how much it's hurt hearing that something that you're really passionate about is dumb to them and doesn't mean anything because as a friend, you know, you would think you would support each other in your interests.
Who are these people?
They're just like people that I'm around mainly, like I call them friends, but and.
I know.
That they're joking, or at least they say they are, but it doesn't it doesn't feel like they are.
Okay, And is this this is like sort of you you you peg it to one sort of central group of people who you you would call your friends.
Yeah, yeah, okay basically, And like another thing, sorry, no go ahead. But another thing is that like I'm I've always been talked over my entire life, like not recently, like ever since I was little, you know, I've always been talked over, and it just makes me feel like insignificant, Like what I say doesn't matter.
So let's start with this group of friends. Tell me this. Okay, so you say that you feel like these these people, you're giving them the benefit of the doubt, that they feel like they're just joking. Tell me about these group of people that you call your friends outside of them calling your interests stupid and uh, you know, making fun of you for these things. Do you like being friends with these people? Do these people provide you any do you do you find any value at all in your
relationship in any way? Yeah?
Like, the issue I have with it is that we've had a lot of good time, Like there have been so many times where I've like laughed, like the hardest I've ever laughed with them, And there have been, like, there have been so many good moments, but it's all just kind of weighed down with the negative ones, if that makes sense.
Because it does make those yeah.
Like yeah, because whenever they're so like mean about it, it's like, well, then why do any of the good times matter? It's all you're gonna do is resort back to the same thing.
Okay, And you know the reason I'm asking you this is because you know, look, if you found no value at all and hanging out with this group of people, then you could very easily just stop hanging out with them. But it becomes, I guess, a tougher issue. If these people really are your friends and you really are giving them the benefit of the doubt and feeling as though they might not even understand that they are causing you any anguish, then it becomes, you know, something to navigate
as opposed to abandon. So just to kind of hammer in on that these people are your friends, you do have a good time with them, but they rid you for shit and it makes you feel bad, and uh, you you don't like that? Is that accurate? M Yeah?
And I know it's a situation of like, if I can do something that changed the situation, then do it. For if I don't want to or I can't, then just leave it that but right, yeah, And because of like how it's affecting my self esteem, Like it's really scary to me to try to step up because I feel like, for some reason I'm going to be in the wrong for saying something.
You feel like you're going to be in the wrong for saying something.
Yeah, it's just it's just kind of like the way that I was raised, I guess, because anytime I spoke out about some that like upset me, I would always, you know, get in trouble for it, because you know, the people like my parents just didn't want to deal with that, and so they just shut it down. And that's kind of like let in to other relationships that I've had because now I'm scared to speak out about six.
So that was kind of the next prong of what I was going to ask you is have you told your friends, you know, you gave them the benefit of the doubt you felt as though maybe they don't know, which is, you know, I think a good thing to do to go, okay, maybe these people don't even know that they're hurting my feelings, you know, maybe they don't fully realize the extent of what they're doing. And I think it's good to give people the benefit of the doubt. But now.
Have you.
Expressed to them that you you feel this way?
I have it, I have in the past, And for a while they started to like calm down a bit with the jokes, but then you know, after some time passed, it was just right back to where it was. Okay, And I I don't know, I don't know if they even realize.
That.
I don't think they realize that they pick it back up. I think it's just like a gradual thing.
Okay, Okay, when is the last time we talked to him about this?
It's it's been a little bit about I don't want to say six months, but it's like four months.
Ago maybe, Okay, Yeah, Yeah, this is this is tough. I mean, look again, I think it's it's up to you and your personal evaluation as to how much value you you feel like is in maintaining these relationships. And I can't tell you that, like I can't I you know, I can't tell you whether or not it's worth having these people as friends. That's something you have to decide
for yourself. Yeah, and do a little deep dive into your brain, be like how do I really how do I really feel when I, you know, am hanging out and do I come away? Yeah? Go ahead.
That's like another thing that I've been working on with myself because I know that if I'm not happy with who I am and if I'm not happy with the state that I'm in right now, then I know I'm not going to be happy with anybody else, and that like it's tough, it's not.
I know.
Well listen, well listen, we'll listen, We'll listen.
Let me.
What you just said is an interesting thing because you said you're nineteen, yeah, okay, and these friends are they from high school?
Yeah?
Okay. So it's a tough situation to navigate. You know, go back to your friends and let them know that that you know they make you feel this way when they make fun of you. But what you just said feeling is though, if I can't be happy with these people, I'm not going to be happy with anyone everywhere. That's something that I think a lot of people experience, right especially when you're young and you haven't you know, lived life and met a lot of different people and made
a loving friends. Is you can make a mistake. And you can do this in romantic relationships or just plotonic friendships where you have a limited amount of experience. And so these these friends that you have like in high school, in middle school and shit, they form your initial idea of what friendship is. You know what I'm saying and so you think to yourself, this is just what And so even if you're in a situation where like you're not feeling great all the time, you think, to yourself,
this is just what friendship is. It doesn't get any better than this, doesn't get any worse than this, And you convince yourself what you said, which is that if I can't be happy in this situation, I won't be happy in any situation, which is a total discrediting of the fact that there are eight billion people in the world and you know, your relationship with the four people that you went to high school with in the town that you grew up with is not going to be
an accurate sample size for you to make your conclusions as to what people are like and as to what friendships are like. Does that make sense? Yeah, yeah, so I guess in closing, evaluate for yourself, like, take some time to think about if these relationships you are having with your friends are serving you and if they are, and that's again the decision that you got to make
for yourself. Then you know, continue to communicate your feelings so that they know because it sounds like they're recepted the first time, but then two again you're early nineteen, go out into the universe. I don't know if you're going to college or whatever is up with you, but continue to go out into the universe and try to make new friends and don't let your previous ideas of friendship uh get in the way of that. You know
what I'm saying? Mmm? Yeah, what are these hobbies? Can I what is the hobby that your friends think of stupid?
I don't know.
I just have like kind of obscure interests, like just niche things, like like I collect a bunch of random stuff, and I like a bunch of like internet series and they'll just say shit, like no one knows what you're talking about, Like just just shut up?
What what? What random things do you collect?
Like I collect bones and stuff.
But you collect bones and.
Yeah, just like like skulls and stuff?
Do you kill people to collect it?
And I did it with him, and so I just like continued that. But but they're just like that, And I agree it's weird. I know that, But I mean I like doing it.
And well, listen, listen, listen, Addison. As long as you are not killing people to collect the balls and the.
Like, I find thematically all.
Right, because if that's what you were doing, then I would have sided with the friends. But I believe you. Addison's anything else you want to say to the people in the computer before.
We go, Thank you Wile for taking your time to talk to me, and I really appreciate it.
Hey, take care, Addison, you too, Thank you. I got scared for a second. I was like, what if her friends are just trying to convince her not to murder animals and people, and I'm trying to tell her not to listen to them, then what would that make me an enabler of No, she was cool. She was cool.
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