Hello, Hello, it's your name?
You want to you wanna name me?
Yeah, I'm gonna name you Kevin. What's going on, Kevin?
Hi?
Uh? Not much. I am just nothing time a lot lately, painting and making music pretty much. That's all I'm doing.
What was the first thing you said?
Painting and doing music?
Oh? What have you been painting?
I'm painting this figure that looks like it has a chrome in front of a field of flowers. I don't I don't know how to describe it. It's uh, it's blindfolded, it's shiny, it's pretty red and blue and green.
What made you want to get into painting?
Burnout? Total burnout? And the doctor said, like, maybe I should give a painting and try because I was pitching a lot about painters.
You were bitching a lot about painters.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like I don't get it, Like, is it something that that like? Is it very classiest? To me at that time? You know, like only you had to be like in a certain personality like hipsters to be a painter. And I didn't understood it.
I have so many questions for you. You why did you like how did you even get on that topic with your doctor, Like, I, okay, I understand. Here's the thing. I understand, through some stream of consciousness, you arrive at the thought that painters are pretentious and it's classes to paint. I understand you arrive at that in your stream of consciousness, like when you're just taking a walk or whatever. But how did you get from that point to your now verbalizing it to your doctor.
Dude, It's been such a long journey for that, you know. The burnout was just like a bunch of things that happened at the same time, and somehow painting got in the way and became a tool that I, like, I was really a perfection and so I wasn't this big take job before doing like one hundred thousands of dollars
a year and all that nonsense of corporate run. And then I kind of broke down and I had this impression, and then he kind of convinced me that I should give it a try, that there's maybe something into it. And I took I took come to I took up his uh, his advice, I guess, and I give it a try. And then I discovered a lot of things during that moment where I was not thinking and then I realized stuff. Since and it's been two years, I'm thinking, now.
You burned out so bad that you had to go to a doctor about it?
Is what I Yeah, I have a psychiatrist. You had a what I have a psychiatrist?
Oh okay this did your psychiatrist told you this?
Yeah?
What was the moment? What was like the straw that broke the camel's back? What was the thing that made you go, okay, I have to like seek medical attention for this.
Well, at the beginning, it was like little things. To be honest, like I then went to the doctor right away when I had a burnout. It kind of became a burner while I was seeing a doctor, and before it was just a therapist before evolving to a psychiatrist. And I thought I had like some disorder or something because I had this intensity of doing things that they are so neat that I have to be all the way. And like I was asking myself some questions like Okay, no,
I'm not normal. I think like if I compare myself to the others, I kind of need to. I don't know, like there's a balance that it's not working out anymore today, And before it kind of worked out, like I was excelling at things that was really good. I'm making money,
I was happy doing a bunch of shit. I had family, my girlfriend and dog and even a car one and I was lining up to get a house and shit, and then everything can broke down at the same time when I was asking my sort real question after those first indicators of me thinking there's something wrong with me.
So you had the kind of traditional, picturesque life that is afforded to you by a tech job, and then you started to break down, and then you started asking yourself the real questions. What are the real questions?
I don't know what the fuck I'm doing on this perasment or whatever this is, Like I don't believe in reality right.
Now as we're talking, you don't believe in reality.
Yeah, I know, I steal it. I know it's crazy talking shit, but deep down, like if people are believing things like FAI the universe or whatever, I'm believing this reality is not it is. There's more than this, Like, Ei, there's something weird going on.
What do you think is going on?
I don't know, Like, didn't you feel something is weird? Like definitely there's something where we're definitely under this thing that we have to accept but we don't really have to, but we're still doing it. And I don't get it, Like, why are people not being more angry towards the things that are happening more just letting the things happen? You know? I know that, like I know, disrespect to people, striking
and movements and organization, all of that. But after forty years on this planet, ude, I don't see much change. I don't like getting worse. Like, can you continue the opposite?
Could you do me a favorite? I don't know if I'm on the speakerphone or if I'm on a headset or anything, but if i am, can you take me off?
No? No, no, you're not, like I mean my room, Like I made.
Sure you're you're you're holding you're holding your phone right up to your ear. Yeah, dude, okay, hmm okay. Well, well you said a lot of things. I mean, the thing about whether or not things are going to get worse we could talk about, but ah, crap, you you had a point that I really wanted to touch on. You said, the people accept that. What do you like, what do you think people are blindly accepting that? Your brain is telling you to challenge.
Like, if I have to put it in one word, it's freaking catch it o't dude, it's a it's a it's a joke. It's like money is fake. Like I know we can do things with it and make the world, girrun it or whatever, but we are proving decades that's the decades and it's been maybe a few centuries now
that it's not helping everyone and just the one. Like you know, war theory like game theory, like war game theory, the sooner the first who defects is the one who's gaining everything, you know, Like if everybody coperates but one defects, that guy's a winner.
M hmm.
I think that's what's happening today.
And you quit a job that I was making you a lot of money.
Yeah, well, I'm not going to disclose the terms of my employment right now. But I didn't quit.
You didn't quit, No, And are you still working as hard as much as you were working before.
I'm gonna be honest with you, like I've been very lucky to learn a very good job, and I have these private insurance now that are taking care of me. While I figured.
You said you have private insurance.
Yeah, yeah, while I figured this out.
Interesting, Okay, So it's so so you believe because we're talking about a lot of things because I think on one end, you're just talking you're talking about like, okay, from a from a point of view that's grounded in this reality and in the acceptance that reality does exist, and we're looking at society. We're saying that capitalism is like the thing that people people shouldn't be accepting. There's
a lot of different conversations. I'm trying to reel you in on I guess one particular thing because now then then then we're on like a metaphysical level where you're like, I'm not even sure reality exists. So so let's go there first. No you no, No, you're not confusing me at all. You're just you're getting everything out and I'm trying to kind of boil it down. So what is it what's going on day to day that makes you think reality might not exist?
Everything's kind of obvious, Everything is kind of scripted, Everything is kind of it's kind of easy to read, like to understand everything, and like a little bit predictable to a point that it's kind of like is there a joke being pulled onto? That's that's what makes me feel like reality is wonky, Like I don't understand where some people are not able to see the path that you need to take to be able to be better, which
is extremely paradoxical with what I'm doing right now. But when people talk to me about whatever's happening in their lives, I feel everything is the same as everybody else, and I get like, why are they not trying to do something else too? They're just like letting everything happen, Like.
You feel like everyone around you is like letting life happen to them.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly. Yeah, that's a good way to put it.
That's less Okay, No, Well, well you're feeling existential and I'm trying to tap into whatever your existential feelings are and I'm trying to understand them.
Well maybe, yeah, it would help you to understand that I lost my whole support system, like my founding and all that stuff, and I had to like understand why I had to do that, and like, you know, when you know about nurture and environment and how I can deal someone and when their kids will it's just saying my founding is not good. And I was part of that for too long without realizing it until one point I realized it, which is part of the burn up shit.
So I don't have support system, like and one of those people who kind of like find their new identity and during this split splitting of a personality and all that stuff, like you have to go through these weird places, you know.
Yeah, you said you're forty. Yeah, And how long ago did your family support system dissipate.
Officially?
Like like like when I did the action, not when I started to try to you know, there's a moment where I started to acknowledge it and talk about it and try to work it out. It's been a long period. And then after that I made an action and then never came back from it. And that's been like going to be two years this December.
Okay. And the way you're talking about these people, it doesn't sound like they died. It sounds like you cut them off. Yeah, And are they these were these your parents and siblings or were these Yeah? Were these parents and sibling siblings?
Siblings and parents that did direct family? My family migrated here from another country after like the leadership and whatever, and then they made me and then they moved out of this country.
And here I am and uh are you? Are you able to explain what it is that made you want to cut your family off?
I started to explore my queer sign and that's where I started realizing that my family is not really in that way, and actually they are much more of the other way. And they're quite bullieved and classic people with with way too much money in their hands, you know what to do with it and tend them like into back people, and they were so poor before. And I don't get it.
Well, I'm sorry, man, Can you try to try to speak a little bit clear into the into the phone. I'm having a little bit of trouble here in you.
Sorry, dude, Sorry, dude. So my family doesn't like queer people basically, and they're really against it.
Mm hmm. And did you have a conversation with them or you like you came out to them essentially? Uh?
Well, yeah, yeah, no I did. It was like, it's a funny question because people would imagine that when you ask a question, you you go through this scene where you tell your family, hey, this is what's happening, but the bland. Then you talk about it. I didn't get
to to to do that. I like, I tried to get to that scene, and then then it got bad ready even before I got there, And so then I decided to cut the bombs and enduring that was cutting the bonds if I did that a bit of a speech, I said who I was, what I was picking from them, and why I was putting them to focus.
And even before that, it sounds like you had some tensions with them.
Yeah, yeah, I know. It's very sad what poor education can do to a family who had to flee a country and then just have full of PTSD and bad parents on their own can get pretty violent.
Poor education meaning that your parents were poorly educated.
Yeah mm hmm. Yeah, I'm just saying that. You know, there were bad parents, but I know why.
Yeah, was anyone you have siblings, right, how many siblings do you have?
Two of them older?
Were any of them supportive or everyone was against this?
Everybody was against this.
So this happened two years ago, and but the whole but again, yeah, for the your whole life, you kind of were there was contention with the family.
Yeah, yeah, But the thing is, you see, I didn't really realize it at first, like a lot of things get normalized, Like you know how a lot of Latinos are saying, like getting hit by your mom is kind of normal, but mm hmm, it's like it's really it sucks to say that. It kind of is as long as your family is still supported of you, you know, like did you feel love from them? But I had nothing of that. I only had discipline.
So you've been saying a lot of things that are existential and I'm just gonna throw some I think I still have more. I think there's still more to dive in with you. But I'm just I'm just gonna say some stuff and tell me if it resonates with you, because like, well, okay, the existential feelings have they been having? Have they come into your brain for the in the past like a few years, like around the time that your family you cut your family off?
Yeah?
Yeah, yeah, because what happens Yeah go ahead, no, go ahead, because what happens is is the dude, like you know, when you walk, you know, when you're like walking down the street, you're talking to someone and or like maybe you see someone you're talking to someone and you're like, oh, this person's never had an existential thought in their fucking life. You know what I'm talking about. Yea, that's because their reality.
Like when you're you're questioning reality, right, because you're getting disconnected from it, because you're losing the things that connect you with reality. You get connected with reality via number one, with by connecting with other people. It's the thing I
will connect you to reality deeper than fucking anything. That's why when I had I had a crazy existential crisis, and since then my relationship with my fucking family, my friends is just like I'm like, that's the that just connects me back into the fucking universe, right, And if if that gets cut off and then you're alone with your thoughts, and the other thing that connects you with reality is some kind of like job or purpose or goal or you know, you don't have fucking time to
think about the questions that you're thinking about because you're busy. You gotta fucking answer emails and you got to check the uh, the s and P. Five hundred and you
gotta do this. Then if you have your you know your brand and your goals and you're like, Okay, I gotta work to get this and then the other and uh when that goes away, and when your relationships go away, it's like you're in fucking outer space and the tether has been cut and you're spinning and you're floating, and you have nothing to do but think about big questions that you that a lot of people, most the majority of people are are are busy, are busy, like you know,
being with their friends and family and enjoying their lives, or busy just trying to fucking survive on this planet, that they're not thinking about those things. But when that ship all goes away and you're just by yourself, yeah, you're gonna start thinking those thoughts. And you know, it's a it's sometimes a really beautiful place to be because it's like, whoa, I never questioned any of this ship before. Uh, And it's it's initially always a fucking terrifying place to be.
The day I had that ex the day I had an existential crisis of one of the you know, two worst days of my fucking life, is really terrifying. But then I'm I don't know how you're feeling, but maybe when you get into that place, you start having this thought that you can't go back that you took up help that you're at that you're not only floating in out of space, but that you took the fucking helmet off and now you're getting sucked into space and you can't put it on. But the good news is that
you can. I believe that you you can.
So like, I don't want to sound alarmist, gig like I'm I.
Don't think you're sounding alarmist. I don't think you're signing alarmist. I'm just trying to relate to you.
Okay, cool, go ahead, Yeah, I'm just embracing this state and I feel privilege to talk to you, and to be honest, you spoke to so many people. I really believe in that you're speaking up to a lot of people. I had a career where I spend like seven years doing surveys with a team of people for like review of budget for like fystivals here in the province of Quebec in Canada, and there's a lot of fucking fystibles and I had to talk to a lot of people. And that is fucking nice. You know, you get you
get to have this this. I get what you're saying. But the problem is that I feel like it's when we get to this space that I am today, like seeing the things that I'm saying today is because the world is like that, like why are we still like doing war and stuff like that? Why are we stoping for things that it was done so long ago? And like I understand reparation all that stuff, but it's still guiding actions and politics that we can't do much about it,
like we're trying to voast the thing. We're trying to do all of that stuff, and like I'm very discouraged. I feel like we need Jesus to come back, you know, like that would be nice that you would come back, Like that would be the best thing. But in the meantime, I'm like, like why I'm here. I'm trying to find a thing where like regardless if I connect to people and not that makes sense. And the only thing that I've been thinking about GEK is love and love is
like when I'm falling in love, everything goes well. But of course, should I go back into that, you know, like should I take it as a thing, Like it's such a weird thing to think about it now with this state than before, because you know, when you said earlier, when there's somebody who never had like an existential crisis in their life, like they never thought about how love is influencing them to be happy. And yeah, I think of that now, Like it's not just a thought that
came and no, it's like inhabiting. It's it's what's doing me right now. It's not just a theory that I understand. So I feel like I think, I think that's maybe one of the reasons I'm saying that it's a trickery, and like the universe would realize is a trickery because as soon as love fades away, like everything changes, like it's so different.
I got a lot of thoughts on what you said. But yeah, by the way, when you say love, do you mean love is like a I was like an omnipotent force. So do you mean like romantic love?
Ah, that's a great question, dude. Can you help me out? Like, I don't know, I.
Can't, I can't help you, well do you well, only you know that only you know the answer to that question.
But that's my answer. I mean, like I I don't. I'm not sure if it's one or the other right now.
Well, when you were thinking about it, you had something in mind. Was what you had in mind a person that you're romantically in love with.
Yeah, but is it just an idea? And I feel like it's just the idea of being in Okay.
Okay, so so what Yeah, so what you had in mind was a romantic was romantic love? Okay, so that's what you So that's what you meant, I think? Yeah, okay, okay, So yeah that's deeply potent. I mean, uh, yeah, if you're in love with someone and you care about them, yeah, it takes you away. I mean similar to the friend you fucking you can you can, Yeah, And you can use that to mean love is an omnipotent force, because yeah, when you're uh working out of love, yeah, you're not
stuck in existential whatever. If you're you know, with your family or your friends, or like a romantic lover, or doing something you love or or contributing to some mission that you love or like loving your or whatever, then yeah, that takes you away from the existential stuff. And just like to and to your point, and it's part of an existential crisis of when you kinda like look at, yeah,
the world at large and it's us. It's scary because it's yes, it's scary because it's so uncertain and this group of people that are alive today were experiencing things that we didn't think we're gonna happen. I've said this on this show before, and I really believe it. But like throughout human history, this has happened before, you know, I mean the we the fucking world was it war twice, you know, and loong before that, there's been like crusades.
And I'm not a history guy. I can't like I sit here and I can't sit here and name wars. But like conflict, evolution and fear of the uncertainty is not like the things themselves are new, but the feelings are not. We're in a weird place. We're in a weird place because like things evolve at a compounding exponential rate, and we're at like a pretty strongly X. We're at
like a crazy exponential curve in society right now. So I think we're uh feeling We might be feeling the feelings in a greater amount of intensity than the newest people are always going to feel the familiar feelings at the highest amount of intensity that anyone's ever felt them, because we're the newest people. But the feelings of this. The feelings have been around forever. It's the intensity that is just going to keep growing and growing and growing.
But the good news is is that what's your, Kevin. The good news is that you, Kevin, don't have to solve all of the world's problems on your own. You like you, not only do you not, not only not only do you not have to you you can't like you can't. At a certain point, I think you have to accept that which is beyond you. And the beautiful thing is that once you accept that which is beyond you, you
can fully, beautifully dive into that into the opposite. You dive into that which is within you, which is whatever your expressions of love are via your relationships or your painting or whatever the fuck it is. And that is better than removing your brain from your body and and trying to be God and take on the whole planet at once. It's you can't. It's just not your job to do everything at once. Your Your your job is to dive in, really, really deeply into that which is
within you. And and by the way, if you if you really care and you about uh, you know, if you if you have groups of people you really care about it. You have causes you really care about, uh and things you really believe in that are like to serve you know, these greater existential uh uh societal purposes. Then you know, look, part of the diving deep into what is within your control can be doing things that that support those things that you love and care about.
That's part of like diving into your love. But but you can't let it drive you into an existential insanity because then you're no good to anyone, to the you know, you know, good to yourself, and you gotta you gotta be you gotta be good to your self.
Yeah, you know, I'm gonna be honest, I'm pretty tired of being this state, Like I want to move on from it.
Yeah. It's exhaust horrible. It's exhausting.
It's so exhausting. Yeah, I had a lot of fun at the beginning, you know, like it was like a new drug. It was tripping in and discovering all these stuff, Like it was really really fun. M But you're right, and thank you for telling me that. It really feels good to hear somebody tell me instead of just my own mind trying to convince myself for that.
Yeah, and you can you can. You can go back. I probably swear you can go back. I didn't think
I'd be able to go back. You can go back, but it takes some fineggling, and it takes some Uh there's something, someone somewhere to ground you back into reality and you can hopefully, hopefully you find that and then hopefully you spend the rest of your life doing that or interacting with those people, or some something takes that uh place, and then you know, uh, you make it to eighty something and then you die, and then someone will someone someone else will worry about, and then somebody
else will worry about whatever the fuck you were worrying about, and it'll be their turn to you know, uh solve capitalism.
You know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. Thanks for that one, Kevin.
You said, uh, you said, you said, we don't have to go super deep into this, but you said in a text to me, you wrote, I think I am an ai.
Yeah, it's like this associative state. It's like I don't have to think everything makes sense, like like like but if if I fall in love with something, I'm not doing that, Like it's it's weird.
Yeah, yeah, you know what I mean.
Like when you're deep in this nihilism and all that stuff, like everything is evident and you're like, you know, you
just get out of your head. And you said it earlier like like to take my brain out of my body, and like that's exactly how I was kind of feeling like I wanted to do that a lot, and and like I do have some friends and all that, and it's like it's a long job to build a new support system, and it's it's a thing that's happening a lot, to be honest, Like there's groups that I'm discovering and all that stuff. So it's kind of sad, right spread Okay.
Wait, sorry sad said that's said that what is widespread.
That I'm finding a lot of people like myself and just saying like it's there's a lot like I don't know about in your area, but in your region or whatever, but over here, like a lot of especially men on my age R going through this state of like, dude, like what we did all this effort and now fuck it? Like we're like doing this thing. It's like a movement almost.
There's a lot of people like me and I after a little while, I was like that ship not hang out so much with these people, They're like bringing me down. So I'm gonna try to find more more high people. But I'm slowly getting there. You know, it's kind of easy to lose the not I don't want to say motivation, but like the face that comes with that brings you to motivation.
Like.
Kevin, are you there?
Yeah, I'm here.
Oh okay, No, I know what you mean. Yeah it uh it definitely, it can definitely. Yeah, certain things can cause you to lose the faith. Yeah yeah, man, I don't know. I uh, I don't know if there's related to anything, but it feels related to me. But uh, I fucking I bought a blender and I bought bananas. This is not how I normally lived my life. I bought a blender, I bought bananas, and uh I got I got powdered peanut butter and some almond milk and
some fucking kale. I haven't bought k I don't think I've ever bought I'm twenty, I'm almost twenty eight years old. I don't remember. I've maybe bought bananas and kale at a grocery store. Uh once in my life before and I was just looking at the I was just like looking at the I had bananas on my like, uh, my kitchen counter, my countertop, and I've felt I just felt so normal. I felt so you know what I mean, I just felt so grounded in reality. Thank God you understand. Thank god you understand.
Yeah, dude. And I call those people, you know, like the people who expect to buy a bait that's an throw for the couch in the living room. Like when you walk around here in Montreal and you look at people's houses because they have like huge window and they want to show it. Everybody has that fucking throw, like like why is that the program? Mm hmm, it's like your bananas, dude. It's like it's like that's the program.
That's the program. And so okay and so and I had the I have the bananas on my kitchen table, kitchen table, and I just feel so normal. And I and I thought to myself, this is a you know, I'm just like, trust me, like I've I've been to some very you know, everyone's unique. I feel like I've been to some version of what you've been through. Else we don't think we could have this conversation. And I'm telling you, I just looked at these bananas and I was like, oh, I like this a lot. This is
I was. I was like, I was like, oh, being in reality, which is like I wake up in the morning and I make a kale banana powdered peanut butter smoothie, and then I go to work and I have conversations with people. I'm like, oh, I'm I love. I'm just like I'm like, oh, this is what my dad feels like every day of his life. You know. I'm like, this is It just felt so fucking normal. And I was like, oh being ground like a little thing. And it wasn't a big thing that had to ground me
in reality. It was having fucking bananas on my kitchen countertop. I was like, oh, this feels great. I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back to eating McDonald's and sitting on the curb at toy M thinking about death like like you know, you know what I mean. I want to just you know, I saw I have I bought zinc tablets vitamin C. They're sitting on it. I have a fucking bottle of zinc tablets sitting next to the bananas, and I'm like I'm like, I feel like my dad, I feel like a normal
human adult if it just felt great. I hope you know get what I'm saying.
I'm sorry if I make fun of that earlier.
Oh no, I don't think you are no. No, no, no, I feel no no, and I know why you. Uh. I feel like I'm about to say that, but I feel very I like I like the normalcy. I like it okay, But I also I get bored really easily. So I've kind of tried to set up my life in such a way that like it's half normal half crazy, because if I have too much of either of them too, if I too many days in a row eating like
salmon and bananas, I'll go insane. But too many days in a row, uh, you know whatever, going to the strip club and eating eating a yeah and an almond joy for dinner?
Is that that's what you do on your weekends.
Gig go to strip clubs. You need almond Joys?
Yeah?
No, I'm in. Uh, I'm in. I mean I don't, but yeah, I need a little bit of both universes. I think too feel okay, and I don't know. I don't know, And everyone's different, everyone's brain is wired differently. I don't know. Maybe you maybe you're because you sound like you're enjoying existential life because it came to you. It seems like it came to you in fun.
Sorry ahead, Yeah, yeah, I always dunk into things like in a like like I'm gonna I'm gonna adopt this attitude, you know, like a little bit of de lulu almost Like I always have been like a position of crisis at work and things like that, so I had to be extremely positive in moments where everybody was negative. So so it's kind of like I don't know, loving myself into this behavior, I guess.
Mm hm.
So I cannot do these things like when when there's a challenge or something, I don't know, I just get like like like if I'm not tired, I'm just going to get into it, you know, like I don't do think way, I'm going to jump all the way in. But now like like this like relating back to your bananas, like I'm doing that. Actually I'm taking about my yogurt. I have your herd every day. Yeah, if I don't have my yogurt for more than one day, and like
I'm moody mm hmmm. Mm hmm. By the way, I want to say, I've been listening to your show for like two.
Years of oh cool, nice man. Weird coincidence, weird coincidence.
Yeah, the moment that start might burnout and then you appeared.
Oh oh yes, yeah, I guess I did appear around the time of your burnout.
Yeah. It was fucking amazing too to watch you. And I talked about you to everybody I met.
And thanks man, Thanks man. I feel like I feel like we're nearing a point of ending the call, but I want, I want to, but I have I'm curious about a couple more things. Is because you said you're trying to build You're because you're in the process of like building a new a new uh support system, and I feel like we didn't. I want to get into a little bit of how that is going for you.
Well, there's been a lot of tries with like in real life, with going out to events and stuff like that. But then really tire me a lot, and I ended up with some people and they were like, I don't know, I was, I guess I'm making up shoot bad choices. So I backed up a little bit and I started using like some different discord servers and kind of funny enough, like I found this BDSM dicort that that really is nice.
It's not about the BDSM so much. It's more about the community and people are freaking nice and videos and they're like, I think they all understand where I am. And also they're like they kind of know how to talk about it in a way that kind of makes it funny because when I when I when I go to the office and I try to find somebody to talk about this stuff in my mind, it's like, don't forget about it. So it's nice to have found this this little sub group of people. They're pretty awesome.
Wait, tell me, okay, this is like a we It's okay. We've been on the phone for forty minutes and you just introduced you you just introduced an entirely extra forty minutes of conversational topic.
Now, friend, another time, Dude, I don't want to take away a time for the other people. This is you're thinking that we're going to finish it.
It's no, no, this is hard. Sorry, tell me more about this BDSM community, like what like, like, tell me about the conversations that you're having in in this community. That you that are like new conversations for you.
A new conversation for me in that community. M hm, well they're not so new anymore because I've been in that community for a little bit now.
Or or or tell me, tell me, tell me what was Tell me what was what was new at the time.
The concept of consent, Like I'm gonna be super binary here. I'm gonna define people by Normanis and the freaks m h. And the freaks are so good at communicating and that. And before I was introduced to that world, and I felt like like flirting was a lot of like you
have to guess things. And I know that today, like that's not what we're teaching, but you have to remember, Like I'm a freaking millennial and I like a bunch of people in my generation didn't learn how to to toxic, you know, Like I don't know if you understand what I'm saying.
No, I know, yeah, I know what I mean, Like I think, uh, our generation, I think yeah, older generations were taught like no, like you don't like you have to like go in for the kiss at like like when the moment is right, like like people people, people will taught that it's like weird to like ask to kiss someone.
Yeah yeah, or say hey, I would kiss you right now, or think like that. It would be like you're perceived as someone that is like, oh my god, you're so like brave and shit, you have to be very confident. But in that community, it's like it's just normal. It's not something that it's so like I don't know, the sense of consent. It's not just about being normal. It's also like I like it. It's like the way that he's doing it is being so clear, like I don't
like to read between lines to be honest. And when I discover the community, I was like, oh my god, we can be so like we can have good sex. Actually m mmmmmmmm.
Did you what kinds of conversations did you have with them that like weren't about sex, that are just like kind of overarching things.
A lot of people having different Like there's a lot of neural diversity. People with different would say diagnostics or whatnot and asking for advices how to deal with those things and different situations. Then there's other people with the same type of neural diversity, and they're all like helping each other and having good sex or not just good sex,
also about anything else like relationship wise or whatever. And there's there's teams sometimes where we share the win of the week, but that cannot be sexual, so it's just like, hey, I want two dollars in a scratch again.
Have you ever participated in win of the week.
Of the what?
Have you ever participated in the win of the week?
No? No, not yet, not really mm hmm, Like it's up to you to choose to share things or not. Mm hmm.
And have you met any of these people in person yet?
Yeah? Plenty, Oh okay, espially at the beginning of my burnout.
And how did those interactions go?
Well, that's where I was discovered a lot of different type of people, and it took out the work for me to like really understand this community and all the people. It took a while, like I was stunned touch first, and I don't know, like I had to back up a little different then go back in.
So it sounds like these have been like a very Like this has been a very Have any of these have any of these people stuck around? Have any of these people become like like staples, like of your kind of support system?
Not yet? Not the end like I've tried, but then we can get intimate and we discovered there's when we have differences and I don't want to there's like so much you can come from my square, you know, mm hmm. It's kind of hard to find people that are very similar to you when when you have so much baggage. I would say, it's kind of hard to like put the baggage aside.
Well, well, well you're not gonna be able to find people similar to you if you're putting the baggage aside.
Yeah exactly, Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, I mean part of finding people who are similar to you is finding people with somewhat similar baggage. Yeah. Uh, I mean everyone has bad anyone has lived any I think any anyone has lived any life worth talking about has some form of baggage.
Well, I hope, so it would be weird to not have baggage anyway. It's just you know, after so much of it, Like I don't want to say that that like I had like a very very intense and everything in my life, you know, like it's been really really intense since the beginning, so funny like and going throughout realizing that later on, it's harder to find somebody who would matches compared to when I was twenty and I didn't know much of life and I wanted to get married,
for example, which I eventually did. But after like going back in my mind during that evolution, I think the longer you get old and the more baggage you accrue in your back, the harder it is to find a potential mate, if we want to speak like that. You know, so when you lose your whole support system late in life, having to rebuild it, it's it's not easy to do it. It takes a while, you know.
I always I like to talk about this on here a lot which is that, you know. I mean, my parents got divorced when they were they must have been in their fucking mid forties or something like that, and they both managed to find really great relationships in the second half of their life, which I always find very inspiring.
But I guess to speak to what you were saying, oh crap, damn it, there's another part of that you were you were talking about by finding your support system, well, a lot of a support system I think can be just like I think, there there's a lot of wait, fuck damn it, you said another thing.
Shit, I'm trying to as long as you grow older, you get those baggages something like that.
Oh I know, okay, I remember I was gonna ask you. So you guys you were married? Yeah, and how long were you married?
Five years?
And uh? How did you did you get married when you were twenty Uh no?
No, no, no, when I was a little bit older. But you're making me do math. And I had a big twins earlier. I was in my thirties and you.
Got married for five years? How was that marriage?
Well? I looked back at it today and I was like, I like, I was following this what we call the relationship is collator. You know, you know about it.
I'm listening.
I just realized that's what I did. And I drank while I was being married. I felt like I was like happy, to be honest. But then I like, that's when I started to question myself about my queerness with my with my ex wife, and she was down for it. You know, we were like in a queer community and stuff like that, and she was really open to like we're open minded people. So we started exploring. And then I was like, you're not making me happy anymore. I'm sorry.
M hm.
And then I like I felt like she was too normy for me, and that's okay, Like she she really is calm and all that stuff and she likes that and I needed to have a bit more and that's the fuck.
Uh hm hmm. So she was willing oh oh, okay, de frying the fine again. A relationship escalator.
You know, a relationship escalator is like you get out of school, you get a job, you find out why if you marry her, You get a house, you get a car, you get a dog, you make the kids. You know, you have this friend m and like when you are in the relationship is salator. You can be aware of it or not. And I feel like I was not aware of it, like I was really buying into it and I believed it.
Do you have kids?
No?
Thank god? Yeah?
That makes life way yeah oh dude.
Yeah. And I try to like kind a new relationship after my divorce, you know. Uh. And I freaking love kids, like I'm, but I don't think I'm good with them, you know, like I'm I talk to them like they're adults, Like I'm not being offensive or being vulgar whatever, you know, like I know the limits kids.
But like.
If I'm not their parents or their like family, it's kind of hard for me to sit there while they've been disciplined, you know, and being in relationship with their mom and being perceived as like a significant adult. It's a weird energy. And I tried to figure it out, and I was like, now I can't do this. I'm like, I don't know, it's not I don't like it. It's just this dynamic. It's this dynamic. It's just a whirlwinning of emotion that I don't understand.
Mm hmmmm.
So yeah, I'm probably ladies without with just a kid and no husband or whatever, but I'm not dating that kind of girls.
Oh would you be down to be like a good like a stepdad?
Vibes No, no, not even no. It's just, uh, it's it's weird because I had a stepdad at one point, and it just feels weird, like I don't I don't have this thing, like I don't have this father thing. M hm.
Are you would you get married again?
Only a fool would believe in life without love. So if I get married again, like like of course, if I get in love enough, you know, like like I could ignore right now and not be happy about it or have like hate for love or people in love because I'm heartbroken or whatever. But it's always going to change, Like I know that.
M hm, m hm. Are you? Are you looking for love actively?
Well? I try to, you know, to connect with people and finding intimacy. But if I'm saying that I want to fall in love like looking for love? Like yes, Like like I want that, but I don't believe it yet.
Are you open to the idea that you might or have you? Are you? Like I've lived long enough to know what I know.
It's some very scary thought, dude, Like I don't want to like stop going forward, and like I'm like, nah no, I don't want to, Like I'm afraid that's gonna happen, but I don't want to think like that. Does that make sense?
Yeah? That makes sense. You're afraid that, uh, you're going to start to believe that you already know everything you know, yeah.
And then to be like fuck it, I'm just gonna do a loner job and wait for death and not be actively in life. You know.
Yeah, you know what? Fuck that?
What do you mean?
Fuck? Fuck? Uh? Fuck the idea that you know everything you know? And you're gonna get a loaner job and wait for death.
I know I want to say that, but I having an usitation like I feel I could happen. I guess I don't need to go out again.
Well guess well, well listen, guess what. And here here's what I believe and I don't. I don't know, man, I I can only really live my life and say the things I'm saying in the moment. I'm saying it even though it's recorded. But I don't know as I'm
talking to you, as I'm thinking. Because I've had this, I feel, I feel with you a similar fear that I'll come to believe that I already know everything that I know and that there is no new thing that I can learn about love or life or be taught, or that nothing else can surprise me and blah blah blah blah ah that stuff. You know, what I think in this moment is true, is that the answer to that conundrum is that whatever I believe is probably uh right? You know? Do you know what I mean when I say.
Well, there's a lot of things that comes to mind. But immediately I thought you were saying, like like I I believe that I know everything, but but I don't act like it something like that.
No, I What I mean is like, if I decide that I know everything and that life has taught me all, it's I've lived enough, done enough, tried enough, seen enough, felt enough that I already know everything that life has to show me. And uh, there's no new surprises. Let me just get a loner job waiting for death. If I truly believe that, I think that becomes the reality of my life. But if I start to believe, hey, you know, I'm not done yet, and uh if I but then if I believe, hey, I'm not done yet,
Let's see what's behind this door. Let's talk to this person. Let's uh go here, let's do this. Let's try something different over here, Let's think this way or that way. Then I think I'm right. You know, I believe that I believe, I really really feel like the And I don't know. Maybe this is me. I I I love inhaling copium straight into my I'll and I'll inject liquid ivy copium directly into my veins. It's my favorite drug of all time.
Uh.
And and perhaps this is me huffing copium. But some I believe that a little bit that whatever you think about your own reality is uh, it becomes becomes true, you know.
But but you know you you can never do it alone. I think when and I want to thank to you again for like when we started talking, how you've gone me back to it, like we just need that because sometimes we're like in space and we're trying to put our helmet back on and it kind of helps to have as a bit of a wingman that can be there for you something.
Yeah.
Yeah, so that's that's that's what that's number one doing. So thank you for existing doing. Seriously, I've seen you helping so many people online. I think I think you're one of the greatest human I know, like you're keeping thanks actually.
Thank you, thank you. I really appreciate you saying that. That's really nice.
You're awesome, dude, you're sucking up.
Thanks man. I hope this conversation was I hope this was helpful to you in some way, shape or form.
Yo, dude, one hundred percent.
Okay, good Kevin. Is there anything else you want to stay to the people of the computer before we go, it's.
Usually with something, uh so it's kind of hard to figure it out. But if you go in, go all in. If you don't, then don't go in at all. No, you know what I mean.
I think I know what you man.
Yeah, So if you're gonna do something, do it all the way because you'll never be happy if you haven't. Thank you just about it. So thank you for everything.
GEK, take care man, you too. By That was Kevin. That was a good existential conversation. Dude, I'm telling you, uh, the you have I don't know. I just looked at the bananas on my fucking kitchen table and I'm like, oh, okay, this is what it feels like to like Sometimes I'll see like an old man and he's like jogging and he like eats a banana or whatever, and I'm like, how is this guy not freaking This guy's about this guy is on death's door or why is he not?
Why am I I'm young? Why am I having the existential crisis? Why is he not freaking out? And it's because he has bananas on his shelf. He's not concerned with that. He's got he's got a banana, and he goes for a walk and he's and he has a dog. He's like he's in reality, he's not thinking about it. It's smart. Hello, can you hear me? Yeah? Hi, what's your name?
Brouh?
My name is Vanessa, Vanessa, Vanessa. You texted me and you said my name is Vanessa. Nobody knows about my booger secret.
Yeah. Yeah, it's kind of like a okay, it's weird because nobody knows. It's not anything like really gross, it's just okay. Sometimes when I'm in my car, I pick my booger and I put it under my seat because I don't have any other tissues around me, or like sometimes when I'm like in my room, I put it on the wall, or sometimes like even when I'm in like a public space, if nobody's watching me, I will do it real quick and I will put it underneath like the seat or something.
It's not like.
Sorry, go ahead, No.
No, it's not like okay, it's only I don't do this all the time, just to let you know. I just it's like it's only when like my nose is like super dry. I just I can't stand it when I have boogers in my nose. And I will only do this when I don't have like tissues available like does this sound crazy? Or am I is it valid?
Or no?
How long have you been doing this?
Probably for like since I was like nineteen, I'm twenty two now I'm a full grown adult. Like that's the thing, Like does this sound crazy that I do this?
Or no?
Because sometimes I can think like like I know full well what I'm doing, but I still do it. No, I used to do that and no one, no one knows about it.
No, No I I uh no, I used to do that too. And then here's what I found out is that the boogers they don't go away. Man, Like you can three you can pick them, you can put them on a wall, or you can put them on your seat, under your car or whatever. But you know, one day you're gonna look at your wall and be like, oh, there's somebody boogers on this fucking wall. You know. They don't evaporate. That's why you gotta eat them. No, No, you don't eat them.
No, why would dission?
What do you mean?
Why would you? It's way more it's way more disgusting to wipe them on the wall and the car then to eat them. That's way more disgusting.
I'm okay, I'm putting it on, all.
Right, your hold on your phone? Your your phone is cut your phone sucks and it's cutting out. So I'm gonna go on a rant to you about something. Here's the thing is, I had I had a moment. So when I get really depressed and nihilistic, uh, there's little upsides to it. Like I was in the subway train and I was looking around and I was like, you know, I don't care about any of the I don't like, what do I give a shit about any of these people. They're never gonna see me again. Why do I care
what they think? And I was I was like feeling sick, Like I was like, I need to go I need to go home. I can't be here right now as I'm on the subway train. And so I just blow my nose directly into my shirt. And I had some popcorn, yeah, and I had some popcorn with me, and so I'm and I'm eating the popcorn and it's like getting on my stomach and I'm like eating it like a monster.
And I'm taking turns blowing my nose into my shirt and eating the popcorn, and nobody, this one lady looks at me a little bit but everyone else just doesn't care. And I'm like, oh, this nihilism's pretty cool. Actually, like you know, this is my I felt it was really punk rock. You know, I'm defying. I think eating I mean that, I think eating your boogers is punk rock.
It's defiant of the dominant social culture which tells you to not do that, So it's in its own Look, people won't agree with you, or I mean, I agree with me. You're not the one saying this, but people won't agree with me. But it's it's cool to pick your nose and eat it because it's defiant of societal culture. It's like kind of classic. It's like you're like, if you pick your nose and eat it, you're kind of like that dude that stood in front of the tanks
at tim and Square. You know, like I'll put both of those on the same level of cultural defiance.
I don't understand what you talked about.
What guy, you don't You don't know what I'm talking about.
I might be too young for that.
Tum and square in front of the tanks elaborate please never mind, but anyway, the anyway, Yeah, so that's why I think you should pick your nose and eat it instead of wiping it on something. Because here's why I'm gonna well, like, because when you pick your nose and you wipe it on your walls and stuff, like, you're
putting out negative energy into the universe. I think, and I and I say that as somebody who picked his nose and wiped it on stuff for a long time, I think you put negative energy out into the universe. But when you pick your nose and you eat it, it's like you're recycling. You put your body back into itself. You put you put your body back into itself. It's no, it's way less gross than wiping it on stuff. I will defend that to the death.
So what you're saying is it's pretty gross.
I'm doing that.
I mean, it's undeniably gross. Yeah, I mean I say that as somebody who did it. But just because I did it doesn't mean it wasn't you know, gross.
It's it's like, Okay. The reason why if I say it's a secret is because it's gotten so bad, Like, it's gotten so bad to the point where I do it in public places when no one's looking. I honestly, I now that you're like putting it in that kind of perspective, it sounds really gross, But honestly, I wouldn't defend eating it.
Would you defend wiping it on a wall or on a the in the bottom of your car seat, But you can cl.
It out after, Like when I I don't just okay, when I put it on the wall. I might leave it on there for maybe like a day or two, sometimes a week if I'm lazy, but I clean it and I wipe it off. Sometimes they get a little crusty and I gotta like scrape it off, but I clean it as when it's you know, it's not like a build up or nothing.
You know, there's so many you ever think about how many defects there are to the human body, Like the fact that we like like little things, like we like sugar, but it's bad for us. And yeah, our nose builds up with these boogers, but we don't have any natural biological way to like dispose of them. You know. I guess it's like, well, I guess it's like poop like we're supposed to, Yeah, you know, get rid of it. But I but it's weird, right because I wouldn't I
think eating your own poop is gross. Well, yeah, it's weird, I think. Yeah, okay, okay, I wouldn't get eating eating your own poop is gross. Well it's it's kind of a different thing, but it's not really like eating your own poop is gross. Drinking your own piss is gross. But I don't put eating your own buggers in that category. I don't know why. It's it's kind of it's a similar universe.
I mean, you can The reason why I say it's grosser to eat it is because you can actually get sick from eating it. It's because burgers have like more bacteria. Like I understand how nasty it is. That's why I wouldn't put it back into my body mm hmm. And and the whole poop and peeping. I mean, like, the only way I would defend drinking your own piss is by if you're, like in a desert, you have nothing else.
If you were in a desert and you had nothing else, would you eat your own boogers?
Okay, okay? How many calories does a booger have?
Though?
Like, how old I'm looking this up?
How fool am I going to get if I eat my bone boogers?
How many cal calories are I'm glad I don't have like a like a podcast producer guy that like looks things up for me, because I think I should be forced to do it myself. How many calories are in a hold on a bogger? A single booger contains negligible Oh wait, this is gross. A single booger contains negligible calories because it's mostly water, dust, and dirt. However, the mucus your body produces daily can contain protein and sugar,
and you swallow a significant amount per day. Some estimates suggest that you swallow up to two hundred calories worth of mucus a day. This is a recycling of your body's own resources rather than a new calorie intake. Yeah, this is Google so again, So okay, so my theory was right. Yeah, when you eat your own booger, you're just recycling your body's own own calories. Your body's on energy, so it's fine. But when you wipe it on a you know, door, a lamppost or whatever, you're putting your.
Shit calories, I'm losing protein.
You're losing protein exactly. What's your name again, Vanessa? I'm glad we had this conversation, Withessa, this was This was enlightening. This has empowered me to continue to be horrifically disgusting in all areas of my life.
It just it's a reminder of how discussing people are.
Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before.
We go, No, this was a pretty good conversation. I can't believe he called me honestly.
Beautiful. Thank you, Vanessa, and keep doing whatever the hell you want with your boogers.
It's none of my business, all right, YouTube, love you.
Get bye bye?
Right.
Two hundred calories of mucus a day. That's a lot if I next time I go to try to start cutting calories out of my diet and lose weight, I'm gonna start with mucus. Hello, folks, it's Lyle here. That's the end of this episode. But get this, I'm releasing a bonus episode this week. That's right, an entire extra hour of the podcast that you you can listen to by becoming a premium member of Therapy Gecko over at therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. Supercast subscribers get access
to bonus episodes. They get a completely ad free podcast feed of the regular show. They get recordings from my live shows, members only streams, and they help support my ability to continue doing this podcast. So here's a clip from this week's members only bonus episode.
So short of it is, I had a dog put down that I had for a very short amount of time instead of like bringing it to a shelter because all the shelters are really full and I can't keep it. Yeah, it's a big one.
How okay, how old was this dog?
About four years old?
But I only had it for like three months.
Four years old is a little young to put down a dog. Why'd you have to talk?
Yeah, I know. I contacted some I looked them up. They're like, yeah, it's gonna be this much of a weight, and I'm like, I'm gonna have to be gone by then. And that dog would have been alone with, you know, my significant other. And he couldn't even put him on a leash. He tried letting him outside the pee and he would like just cry and piss on himself.
So it's just I mean, shit, brother, you you why'd you get the dog in the first place. If you want to hear this full conversation, you can sign up to become a Premium member at Therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com, or find the link in the episode description that's therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. All right, I have nothing else to say. Goes on the line every night, goes to its teaching news about in your life. But he's not really an expert.