Hello, hear me?
Hey, I Ken. What's your name?
My name is Chase, Chase.
What's going on?
Chase?
How's life?
Life is? Uh? You know, it's it's life, you know. I don't know.
Mm.
Yeah, I don't know either. I don't know either. You've caught me at an interesting time. I'm in a rant for a second. Is that cool?
Yeah?
Yeah, I'm in a So it's funny. I titled the most one of the more recent episodes the Existential Dread episode. And you know, I've been in a weird headspace for like the whole month of February. I've been thinking about like life purpose, I've been thinking about like inevitable death. I've been thinking about isolation. I've been. I've been, you know.
I I looked up like existential depression on the end and I found this Healthline article and it and it gave me all these like symptoms and I was like, oh, okay, this is exactly what's going on with me right now. And uh but that was kind of cool because I was like, all right, well, I'm not a completely insane individual. Who is you know, undergoing some kind of uniquely difficult life experience, Like this is what I am undergoing. Is
is a documented phenomenon. Here's this article that that shows that this is again a documented phenomenon, which leads me to believe that this documented phenomenon has ways out of it, you know what I mean. I talk a lot on the on the podcast about you know, like life being
how you see it and all this stuff. And it's funny I talk about a lot of these things on the podcast, but you know, then when then it comes to time for me and my own personal life to like actually actually go and live it, you know, and uh, this is this is kind of one of those times. And I'm trying to have, you know, Chase, I have within me this like corner stone. It's in my balls, Chase. It's it's it's this corner stone of optimism. It's a corner stone of of of my soul that A likes people.
I don't think I would, you know, the Gecko universe gets difficult sometimes, but I don't think I would do it at all if I didn't fucking like people, if I didn't like life. You know, I just I know that in my gut right that I like people, I like life, I like the world. And then I'm and and and and it's so it's that knowledge that in my gut is a guy who likes people, likes life, likes the world, is curious, desires more, you know. And then also is is kind of this cornerstone of again
optimism for the future. Things will get better. This is a documented phenomenon that people have gone through before, and I believe that it. Things will will get better. I will live to see uh more days where I'm engrossed in life, you know what I mean. I feel this podcast as a whole has definitely become a lot a lot of I think me uh using it for therapy at this point. But it's good. I like it. I was a little bit resistant to that for a little bit,
but now you know, I'm enjoying it. I'm enjoying I'm enjoying getting to it. Kind of it makes me feel less insane to publicly share these thoughts and feelings with other people and then to hear what's going on with other people's thoughts and feelings, and sometimes it spooks me, you know, every time I see like a like a crazy whatever Reddit person or whatever, I'm like, oh man, I'm putting myself out there on the internet. And everyone on the internet is crazy. But I'm just I don't care.
I gotta keep, you know, sharing of myself and allowing other people to share of themselves, you know, because it's it's it's like it means something, or because if I don't, because if I don't document these this is this is this is. I guess the medium the people have h by which people have come to uh uh you know who I am or whatever. And so I'm like, Okay, I guess I owe it to the medium, or I
owe it to the I don't want to. I don't know if I should call podcasting in an art form or whatever, but I'm like, I feel like I just feel like I owe this thing some form of of my honest thoughts and feelings, or maybe maybe my thoughts and feelings are just kind of bursting. They're just there's hell fucking tight in my fucking brain. I'm like, I gotta get this out there to someone, you know, and that that someone might as well be the people who
are listening to this show. You know, hopefully it is helpful in some regard to someone. But I also I don't want to, you know, I talked a little bit about on the other episode with that guy mo About, Like, you know, there's this weird thing of when you kind of keep talking about your fucking problems, you're you kind of ingrain them within yourself, and it's like, I don't want I don't want to view myself as like a depressed guy.
You know.
Is then that becomes your identity, that becomes how you live, that becomes whatever you know. So it's like, what's the line, right, what's the line between uh, a sharing of yourself in a way to to feel better and to kind of heal and and whatnot, versus like, you know, spiraling in
a fucking hamster wheel loop of your own stuff. You know, because because sometimes the it's it's helpful to talk through stuff, but other times it's like, well, you just got you got to get out of your own head and you got to fucking go build a cuckoo clock out of wood.
You know.
Like you think all you think that you're going to solve your problems by talking about them and thinking about them until you find some perfect answer. But really all you had to do is build a cuckoo clock out of wood.
You know.
That's why people do anything. That's why is because it gets you out of your own head. It gets you into life. You participate in something instead of being in your own fucking insane brain. I just got back from walking for like four days through rural Japan kind of in an attempt in a way to kind of escape this line of thinking by by doing stuff, by being out in the world, so I'm not spiraling in my own weird head. And I'm working on making a video
about that I'm excited about. I'm gonna, oh, this is another thing I'm show that. This is now I'm self promoing, but I'm gonna fucking I'm doing an art gallery. I'm displaying a bunch of trash from around my room on March fourteenth in Brooklyn, New York. I'm actually gonna put a link to that in the description of this episode. That's a self promo within this existential rant chase. That's a little self promo in the existential ants, you know.
So that's gonna be good. I'm doing these just doing these things to be like, Okay, I don't know if life has some kind of a linear direction or whatever the fuck, so let me just start doing random things that I think would be cool or interesting, you know. So so, Yes, I'm so. So, I'm so, I'm I'm so. That's why I'm putting a That's why I'm gonna put an empty water bottle in a in a glass case and invite people to look at it, Chase. That's why I'm doing That's why I'm talking. That's why I'm talking
to you right now. That's why I'm doing anything, Chase.
Yeah, like you said earlier, you said different ways to like blow off steam as essentially as what you were talking about. Yeah, I'm not a I'm not a kind of guy that will go and talk to somebody about it. Right. So, like I'll I have a journal, I'll write in my journal, or I like write about stuff that happens in my day or whatever. Or I like fishing, so I'll go fishing. I like being alone and like in the like in
the woods or like at the lake. I'm more of a I like I like being alone, you know, mm hmm hmm.
Yeah. How is uh? How has fishing been for you? Is that like a good? Like when you're fishing, do you feel very very in the moments?
You know, Yeah, there's not a lot going on, like in my head. You know, it's just uh it's calming. Mm hmm.
Have you have you always liked being alone?
Yeah? Like I'm like, I like, I like, uh, you know, hanging out with friends or you know, doing social activities. But sometimes, you know, I just I want to just chill out, be be uh be alone. M hm m hmm.
What what What are some of your other favorite things to do alone?
I like fishing. I camp a lot. I'll go camping, hikes, like hiking. Uhh I'm more of a outdoor kind of kind of guy. Mm hmm.
Why do you why do you think you like being alone so much?
I like, there's not silence. It's it's silent, like I don't need to hear any uh any bullshit that goes on in other people's life. Like like I like hart to explain, you know, Like I have friends, like I'll go hang out them, I'll go do whatever the fuck. But sometimes when I'm not feeling the best, I'll just go do stuff myself.
Do you do you feel like you're happiest when you're alone.
I wouldn't say happiest. I'm more it's like a state of mind, you know. It's like I'm I'm calm mm hmm hmm. If nothing's nothing bad is going on, like in my heart. So mm hmm.
Do you I do you feel like you've like always kind of had that state of calm within you.
I think it's since I've gotten a little bit older.
Mm hm.
You know.
How old are you now? I'm twenty, You're twenty Yep, you're twenty years old, yes, sir man, I thought you were like thirty seven.
Yeah, I hear that.
Man, Wow, interesting what what uh?
What are you?
What are your hopes and dreams for life?
Chase like a future future, like where I want to be in the future. Yeah, yeah, I wanna. I want to I want to live on a farm. I want to have a wife, two two three kids. Mm hmmm. Financially comfortable?
Are you in Are you in school or do you work or something like that?
I work?
What do you do?
I work on little pieces for satellites.
Like you work on little pieces for satellites.
Yeah, like thousands of a millimeter? Thank you. You use like you know this water pressure machines that like cut metal and ship Yeah yeah yeah, program it and then you can program it to a size and then you cut it and then we send it off to nasty.
Where are you right now? What are you doing.
In my room? It's two am?
Interesting? Yeah, thanks for listening to my rand to the beginning of this phone call.
Yeah, all right, Well.
Was there any was there anything that you wanted to call in to talk about?
Honestly, I didn't think I was gonna get on on the phone. I was your luck. I've been listening to the show for a little bit now, so no, not exactly.
Cool man, cool. Well, uh, you're you're a chill guy. Chill guy. Pretty good, all right, man, Well, uh, good luck, good luck, Chase. You're gonna be You're gonna be fine. You don't you don't even need me to say that to you. But I'm not saying that to you because you need I'm not saying that to you because you need me to say that to you. I'm saying that to you because it's just a feeling that I felt the need to express while we were on the phone.
H Yeah, all right, man, you know, I appreciate it.
Is there anything else you want to say to the people in the computer before we go?
Be be kind? You know, don't uh, don't be one of those people that go around and just try to start problems with other people, you know, just be your own person. I like that. I like that.
All right, man, I'll i'll uh, I'll see you. I'll see you again one day in another in another life maybe. Yeah, all right, take our chests.
Bye bye, bye bye. Oh wow.
That was uh that was pretty good. That was pretty good. I honestly forget what I've I was on such an impassioned rant for a good ten minutes.
Uh, and I.
I forget what I was ranting about. Yeah, Okay, that's good. I feel like I got that all out of my system. What the hell was I talking about? Okay, all right, all right, let's let's take some phone calls. Let's keep. Let's keep, let's keep taking some phone calls. That was good. That was good. Hello, Hi, Hey, what's up man? What's your name?
Isaiah?
Isaiah? What's going on? Isaiah? How you doing?
I'm just on my bed calling up in my bed.
Very cool, very nice. You know, I'm feeling good. I kind of I'm feeling like being a gecko today, you know, I was. I went to last caller. I went on an insane rant about existential dread. And I think the best way to get away from existential dread is to do stuff. And I think I'm pretty sure that being a gecko is doing something. So I'm feeling good about it in this moment. So you know, let's talk, let's get into it, let's uh, let's do some.
Do some wild things.
Be just talk.
Yeah, yeah, is there is there anything in particular you called in to talk about.
I'm just like the last caller, I never really spent the beyond here, but maybe may be talking about dreams, I guess.
Yeah, yeah, what kind of dreams you've been having lately?
Oh?
My god, like late light one time? It was the years ago now, but like been dreaming about this. I was in a car meeting, like one of those like drive by car meetings, like you see like fancy cars and whatever, and I just I just look up and I see like terrat that was just flying by, flowing, streaming and yelling, and I just see at a meetia or just falling down and just all bowed red and just everything. I'm crazy. And I just walk up and I just wonder what that means?
Mm hm m hmm. What do you what do you think it means?
Like?
Is there anything like flotting around in your in your subconscious that you think it could be related.
To I'm just stressed honestly, or it might be paranoid.
What do you what do you stress slash paranoid about?
Uh?
This word trying to be something I want to be but I can't kind of thing like that.
Yeah, yeah, what is it? What is it that you want to be that you think you cannot be?
It's like, I just want to be an animator kind of thing you want to make film, and I just it's I don't know if y'all want to be too, d but it's like it's like something like I want to do for a while, but it's kind of give me in dread this past for three years.
M m m hm. Is it? What is it? What is it about these past four or three years that have been giving you dread with it?
I guess like a burnout worrying about being an adult and following my dreams quote unquote, I guess that.
Was if that made sense, Yeah, that makes sense.
But I'm better now. I'm trying to get things better, going back to my roots.
What are your roots?
Actually? Like making stuff online? But I just I just started doing it like last week.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, what what kind of stuff? What kind of stuff are you making online?
I just make like just drawings right now, but I want to make like short cartoons and stuff like that.
It's interesting. I'm kind of curious what that landscape looks like, right because I think we're we're kind of past like traditional network television era cartoons being super popular like adult Swim, cartoon network, Nickelodeon. Shit, I feel like we're kind of past that and now we're in and we're also a little bit past like you know, like Ego wraptor new Grounds YouTube Animator Universe, and I don't know where we
are now with it. If it's like, you know, still heavily segmented, and there's people on shorts and Instagram and TikTok that are kind of dictating the the meta of the Animator universe. I mean, what do you what do you think? What do you think the landscape is?
Like? Yeah, I feel the same way, because you can't find a way, and like, you can't make anything too short because it's not gonna be a lot of people watching it, or anything too long it's going to be too boring and to just ignore it, you.
Know, if that makes sense totally. Yeah, And it's like.
You got to work for like some kind of company or something that works, like I don't know, Like let's say you work for like some YouTuber on Patreon. You get to put yourself out there for that or then put yourself out there on YouTube or anything like that.
M what kind of what kind of like animations do you do you want to make? Like are you telling stories?
Uh?
Yeah, Like I want to want to make like just like like little movies and stuff like that. But that's that's adding to the dread. Like I can't make stuff for me. I have to make stuff for people something else in a way. But but right now I'm trying to figure that out as I'm working on it.
When you said, when you said you can't make stuff for you, like as in do you mean that as in like for your job you have to make stuff for other people, or as in you have to make stuff that you think other people will like for yourself.
Yeah, I think it's like that.
Just like.
I'm trying to make sense of this, Like where I live. I live in Texas, right and I have to make like something with western or cowboys with fucking cows or something and I want to make like something with punch. Huh.
Well wait, hold on, I hears. Why do you why do you have to make certain stuff because you live in Texas? Oh?
Because where I live, you have to make to something you make for like m Let's say you want to make a punk band kind of them, and they're like, oh, I can't, we can't use that. We just want Western landscape and stuff.
But who's we.
Oh, like people where I live, like in Texas, in my small town. It's kind of hard. But I think that doesn't even make sense because I'm talking about like internet stuff.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, why if you're you're you're not making stuff for the people in your small town of Texas. You're making stuff for the people of the Internet.
Mm hmm. Yeah fuck I oh just to say, you know that, Well, I'm trying to see what I don't even fuck.
What's the matter.
Now, I'm just shaking a little bit.
Told let me think. Yeah, I guess I still don't understand why you have to make western ship you know, mm hmm you want to make punk things?
Yeah, they make stuff like fun and creative where they want to be just playing Jane and boring.
Who is that well, hold on when you keep saying like we and they? Who is they and we?
It's just these people in my hometown. But I'm I'm I'm rambling nonsense right now. I'm sorry.
No, I don't no, no, no, don't be all right, don't what's your name again? Ideah, Isaiah? No, don't be sorry, Isaiah. I want to I want to get to the bottom of this. That's the that's the only reason I'm asking. I'm asking because uh, I want to make you feel bad or anything. Mm hmm okay, I mean, yeah, man, you're making stuff for the Internet. Why don't you just
make whatever it is you want to make. It's not like you're it's not like you're trying to pitch cartoons to the local newspaper or anything like that.
Now I'm thinking about it, maybe I'm just I don't want to see traumatized. But maybe I'm a little nervous to putting myself out there. Maybe I'll get late the same reaction when it's an Internet as I'm putting on my hometown.
Oh.
Oh, interesting, I think that's what I'm trying to say.
Oh interesting, interesting, interesting? Do you I mean, but you understand that that's irrational, right.
Yeah, yeah, I try to think the thing like that in a way, but it was rambling nonsense.
Mm hm m hmm. Do you do you think you you will eventually gain the courage or perspective or whatever the hell it is that you need to to put yourself out there.
Yeah, because right now I have to tell myself to just do it, other then just wait and see. Right, So that's why I learned you just have to do it and figure it out.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm trying to. I don't know if you heard me ranting to Chase earlier, but I'm trying to. Yeah, in my kind of current bout of existential whatever, you know, I'm trying to be more action bias. I'm trying to just do shit, like go for a long walk or do a trash art gallery, just try shit. Because I was realizing I'm like, oh, I might do this trash gallery and then be looking around and go why the
fuck did I do this? But it won't matter. You know why, it won't matter because at least because I can go, Okay, I don't know why the fuck I did this, Let's do something else. This is keep doing shit because I get in this. I get in this habit where I'm always like planning to do stuff. I'm always I love, I'm writing down to do lists, I'm writing down things that would be a good idea to do instead of just like actually like being willing to
like try doing random ship. And I'm and I and I'm honestly I'm even even the fact that I'm going on this rant to you right now is a version of me procrastinating on doing shit because I'm reinforcing to myself in my head that I'm going to try to be more action bias without actually becoming more action bias. You know, that's the trap, as Isaac or Isaiah, Isaiah, Isaiah, that's the trap, Isaiah. We can't, we can't. We can't let ourselves be trapped. We gotta do random ship constantly.
But it's not it But it's not a bad But it's not even a bad thing because you like like making the stuff. If you just like making the stuff, then it's not a bad reality to live in where you have to just keep trying. You know, sorry, you were gonna say something.
I cut you off now.
I just feel like it's like a sharp kind of mentality, like you gotta keep moving if you die or something like that.
Yes, of course, yeah, yeah, that's how Yeah, but no, and it is it's true because I'm I think I'm experiencing the death of not moving. It feels like a death. You know. Do you feel that way when you when you're not moving?
Yeah, because I, like I said, light, this past week, I've been trying to just do it, keep at least try to do it and like do something else other than stay in my house and just watching TV, right and twitch and stuff like that.
Right, And that's the thing, right, is that I feel like the the joy is in the attempt more than it is in like, oh, you know, my cartoon got X amount of views or oh I got the whatever. I mean, there's joy in that too, but it's like, oh, there's a bit of there's a joy and there's an escape from dread in in the attempt itself, I think,
you know, yeah, yeah, so so that's good. And that's good also because the attempt is like within because I think when you're when you're trying to count on like views or likes or whatever the fuck you're.
You're you're.
I mean, those things are nice. I'm not gonna pretend like they're not. It's nice, Like success feels good, feels good to have things work out.
Yeah, it's to be yeah in that situation.
Yeah, it's a good it's a thing. It's understandable that people want that and that people you know, it feels It feels better when like when you make a fucking cartoon and you put it on the internet and it gets likes, It feels better than when it doesn't. But again, I feel like the joy is in the attempt.
Mm hmm.
But yeah, I'm gonna try to I'm gonna try it. I'm having fun. I'm having fun talking to you about this because I'm gonna try to fucking go back into like my luh normal non geck life and be like remember and be like I told that guy that the joy was in the attempt. So I'm gonna try to uh feel away myself.
You know.
No, it's awesome, awesome.
Well, before we go, do you you want to plug anything? You have something you want to plug, go ahead and plug your fucking ship. Dude, if you got something to.
Plumb, at least try Instagram. Like I think it's called pro p r O understand underscore stupid.
Pro underscore Cupid, that's pretty simple.
Hold on, yeah, let me that's what it is.
Let me pro underscore simple. I'm gonna look at your ship. Uh pro underscore simple? Oh no, Cupid, why do I say simple? What the fuck?
All right?
Here we go pro Cupid? Oh cool? Oh oh oh hell yeah, dude, you drew and you drew you drew naked. Marge Simpson, Yeah coolm I like, I like, I like, I like I like this. I like the style. It's very renn and renn and stimpy vibes.
Oh my god, that means a lot from coming from you come back.
Well, thanks for having this conversation with me, Isaiah. Good luck to you and all your fucking crazy life endeavors.
Yeah you too, Man.
I love you, Man, I love you.
Hey, Hey, I love you too, Isaiah. All right, I love you too. I love you too. In this moment, I'm feeling I'm feeling hopeful for your future. I'm feeling hopeful for the future of ah man, feeling hopeful for the future of of stuff. And I bless you, I will, I will, I bless you with with hope, optimism, and and forty two million dollars.
Yeah, God, bless man, all right, take care Isaiah.
Yeah, that was Isaiah. I used to I kind of I used to have a thing where I was I for a second, I was like I used to not like saying I love you to people on the internet. I don't know why. It felt strange, but in that but but it's weird because in that moment I did feel it. You know, I was like, I don't fucking like obviously like the people I talked to on the show, it's like I don't know them, and it's like a
little interaction with a stranger. But but but I felt that, you know what, Like I was like, oh, I do love this guy. I do love again. I told you I was ranting fucking earlier in the episode to Chase. I was ranting about knowing that I love people, you know,
like that's in my soul. I love people. And just now I was like, I was like, I think I love Isaiah, dude, even just in that moment, like what like four months from now, I don't like, like, realistically, I don't know if I'll be thinking about Isaiah unless if Isaiah is like, you know, hey, I was the guy you talked to with the thing and the art thing like, oh, fuck, you're fucking Isaiah, you know what I mean. But I don't know if that I think that's that's that could be how love works.
You know.
Love can kind of be this weird thing of the moment, you know. I mean, I've had friends in real life that I've known for like not that long, and I'm like, you know, like I love you. I love you, man, you know, I don't know. That's a weird. It's a weird thing. I'm exploring the like, like what is what does it mean to say I love you to someone? Like I've I've had times where I was fucking in the grocery store and I was looking at an old lady in line ahead of me, and I was like,
I think I love this old lady. I don't know her. I've never talked to this old lady. I just she's on the fucking she's on the planet Earth at the same time that I am. Miraculously. That's insane. I think I have to love this old lady. That's just what it's just in my gut. I don't know her. She might be a crazy person, but I guess I'm a crazy person too. I don't know why I just love this old lady. I love Isaiah, I love the old lady at the grocery store, and I love drinking a lot of coffee.
How you doing, I'm good man.
What's what's up?
Dog?
What's up dog? How's life?
I'm just trying to bring the stream up, baby life.
Yeah, go ahead and go ahead. How's life?
Well? We talked, We talked like last year. Like I was like, man, everything sucks. It still sucks, but you know, here we are trying to figure it out. I was listening to you earlier when you're on your rants about existential stuff, and yeah, I think that's only your only option. Really, you just got to think about it and get through it. Sometimes yeah, and then it still sucks.
But yeah, yeah, why does every Why do you think everything still sucks after a year?
I think it's because I keep working and I have no money at the end of the day, even though I'm make enough, and then it's all gone and then there's nothing to do. But then every once in a while, you get hang out with your buddies or you know, do something fun. Like you're in Japan right now. That sounds fun.
I am in Japan. It's been nice well, who are these buddies that you're hanging out with?
I saw my buddy just turned forty. I'm thirty seven.
Cool, it's nice.
Yeah, after all these years, still got my homeboys from the neighborhood that I grew up with. So it's kind of nice getting out, get out of the house. So nice for a little bit.
Nice. Where'd you grow up in Atlanta?
Just outside of Atlanta?
To a and are you.
Yeah? Just put some coffee on, cool, getting ready to do some word cool. I'm gonna hate my job more and then just like a cycle, just a cycle of ship.
Uh.
I always struggle to answer that question. But I work in it infrastructure, a botomation stuff for a little company outside of Atlanta.
Yahm.
But you know I called last year. I was just like everything is just our like time for myself. I've lost myself. I you know, I have the same struggles that some of your other colors do with. I mean the dude that has for to uys, I have zero du guys. I'm very lucky for that. But you know, this is the cycle of like alcohol, it beating yourself up and stuff kind of sucks, man. But I do find that as long as I can try my best to remember that it's better to be here and kind
of suffered through this shit than not to be. I don't know, man, I just kind of felt like calm and just like saying that stuff.
Have you?
I mean, when was the last time you had a period in your life that felt particularly prosperous.
Five to ten years ago? What I feel like I've been paidchecked bag for.
Moved.
My wife and I bought our first house that probably would have been the thing, and then we moved about six years ago, but then we moved somewhere. I don't really want to be just like a suckhole of suckery, but you know, it's just because I want to like just open a sandwich shop and like ski in the mountains every day. But that's just not the reality, because
it's just not the reality. One day maybe as I'm older, if I stay positive, right, But then I also find myself falling into that hole of suck doing stuff I shouldn't do and not working all night and having beers and instead of working, And then now I'm gonna feel like shit when my boss is giving me that side eye.
What do you mean by doing things you shouldn't do.
Debatable just drinking. Man, I have I struggle with alcohol and tobacco. Those are my vices. You know. I'm lucky that I don't have worse vices than that, because I know that those are out there. I've just never been luckily and I've never found myself in that situation to have anything harder than that. But alcohol and tobacco are not easy either, so and it weighs on me right because I'm always like, Man, I can go buy two more beers right now at two in the morning, but
here I am driving to the store. Uh and uh, you know, starting work at four in the morning, and instead of sleeping, sleep would probably be good, but I stress about it and then it's just a cycle of suck.
How long, man, How long? How long have you as like alcohol and stuff a thing for you?
Probably about the same amount of time that it's been felt prosperous, probably more like longer than that. I feel like I feel like seven eight years ago. But even before then, I was drinking a lot. I feel like once I started drinking, I go hard on everything that I do, which is why I'm glad. I don't never gotten addicted to harder stuff. I've never never done anything too crazy. I like, must of the fun. But yeah, it's been a long time. Then. I've been in a
cycle cycles of pretty depressive. I feel like I'm manically depressed, but maybe not maniacally, so not quite there yet. I'm trying to avoid it, but I feel like I'll.
Go go ahead, go ahead.
I was just gonna say sorry and then I'll let you take over there. I mean, I feel like I'm like, don't, don't do it. Don't drink because like one beer man, two beers, it's like five beers, you know, and then it's like I'm losing.
Hours and.
Shit, I gotta do and just I just fucking don't want to do it. And then I just drink more beer at that point, and then I'll wake up at three or five in the morning or pass out at seven at night, and she like, shit, my body doesn't like it. I'm just it's just like I'm just addicted to it, so I'll just fall back into it.
Mm hmm. Why uh uh oh. I remember I was gonna say, have you have you talked to a real therapist about this? And if so, what have they told you?
I have gone to therapy, but I just did like the better helth thing right, I didn't. I felt like because it was like covid fish times, you know, So it's just like I feel like I would do better in person. And then I also went to a psychiatrist and got onto some form of antidepressant for the first time a few years ago, a couple of years ago. But actually, and some people have this effect, it just made me kind of like very angry, like irrationally angry. And I did not enjoy that at all, because I'm
not I'm not an angry person except to myself. Isn't gonna fuck. I'm very angry with myself, but I'm not angry outwardly towards like my friends and family. Probably more just people that don't know how to drive.
They Okay, that's not as bad as outwardly angry to your friends and family.
Yeah, of course, if I drink too much, then I might say something dumb, and then I gotta feel like I gotta I'm just joking, but it's not. It's not very fun if you're you are affecting those around you that actually care about you when you're not trying to. And then I feel bad again, and then I'm like, I got to drinking of beer because now I'll feel
like shit, I really want. What I really really wish go ahead is that I could afford to go somewhere for you know, twenty one days or a retreat of fucking recovery, something where I can just get away if I did not have access to alcohol and tobacco. And again, it could be worse, or everyone has their struggles, right, could be something else, but like if I could just get away from it, but I can't, I can't afford it. I got it, don't worry.
What about those like well, I don't know. I'm curious because like we have talked to some people. Remember talking to a dude about uh work away or I forget the fucking name of the website, but like all these places where like you can go uh to kind of uh work in exchange for I mean, you got to save up I think for the plane ticket, but there's a lot of places you can go to like work in exchange for housing and food. You know what I mean? You ever thought you ever thought about something like that?
So what do you mean I would work for someone else during that time?
Yeah?
Like I mean I don't know, man, you're talking about like trying to go away for twenty one days or go away for an extended period of time to do some shit. There's there's these websites where you can go to again like find some shit abroad or even maybe domestic where you can go and yeah, like like work on like a farm or like a fucking uh what is it. Yeah, there's just kind of like opportunity or something, yeah,
co op something like that. You know, again, you got to kind of save up for a a plane ticket to get there or gas or whatever it is. But once you're there, you know, you might maybe you'll be able to find something that you're looking for. Uh, maybe you'll be able to find what you're looking for there.
I will kind of look into some more of that because I feel like that would solve some of my problems. And I bet other people would benefit from something like that too, So that's probably good. We're even talking about it.
M M.
I don't know, you know, sad.
Guru, Yeah, sure, I know who that is.
They have I'm in Atlanta, so there, and they have a headquarters in Tennessee and they have a spot. But that's extensive too, and it's like, man, I gotta work, like I'm literally I can't afford to. I have to support, you know, some kids and stuff like that and pay my bills or whatever.
So it's just how many how many kids do you have? How many kids are some kids?
I have three kids, have three kids, and they are all young, and they are expensive. And it's only gotten more expensive since I started having just like the economy and everything. That's just like that's tough, man, because you know, being let me get a few beers and I'm like, yeah, that's twenty bucks. I probably should put towards their retirement funds or whatever. Then I feel bad about that, so
then whatever. But you know, that's that's one of the struggles that I have, is trying to find the right time. And I actually did take off a few weeks of work in December and I thought, hey, i'll clean my house up, you know that I'm I did do some of it, and then like kids got fig or it's just a lot going on. So then I'd almost made the opportunity. I talked to my parents because they're nearby
at least a few hours a couple hours away. That I was like, I'm gonna go stay up there with you guys for a few weeks, just to get away. Like I was open, openly talking to him about the same kind of stuff we're talking about, but then time passed and I didn't do it. Now we're back into the whole cycle of like, you know, school stuff and softball feyball stuff, and I don't want to miss my star.
I just don't want to be an assent dad. I'm trying to do my best, but then I'm off of struggling and I'm just like, man, what the fus what do I do?
What do I do? What do I do?
Yeah, I don't know, man, I try your best. I guess I don't know what the hell you do?
I mean, that really is the point that I wanted to make. That's really why I wanted to call, because it's what you gotta do. You gotta do your best.
Man, Just try your best, man, I mean, I I mean, with like alcohol, it's like I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't know, man, I mean, you just have to fucking decide. It's just a thing of like deciding to change and deciding to prioritize ship and deciding to fucking do do better on it. You know, I don't know, man, I don't have any I don't have anything for you. That's yeah. I mean, you seem like you care about life.
You seem like you care about your kids, or because if you didn't care about your kids, you'd be gone by now. You wouldn't even be in anywhere or any you wouldn't be on the phone with me right now, you'd be in like a I don't even know. But you care enough about life and enough about bar be in a bar.
Right.
You care enough about life, You care enough about your family, You care enough about yourself that you're trying. You know, you still give a shit about yeah, existing on the plan about that stuff, and you know, and go ahead.
I'm a nice guy man, like making people happy. I just kee said, I'm fucking so unhappy all the time.
Yeah.
I went on a date a couple of weeks ago. My wife is like, you know, you're like you kind of hot, but like you're too mad all the time, Like how you think I'm hot? I don't think I'm out by.
The way, I'm sorry you went. You went on a date with your wife?
My wife, Yeah, we got a date A couple of weeks ago, which is very far few and far in between, so it was it was pretty good.
Timing and how's your how's everything going with your wife?
Good?
I mean good, And you know, honestly, it is probably better than it was last year this time when I told you, we spoke crazy for me to think you would remember the conversation and I don't even actually remember that well because I was pretty drunk. But you know, things are good, so you know, that was one of
the main points. Like I said, I want to I got the opportunity to get dirty too, and just you know, we just we just got to keep keep our heads up and keep learning and keep thinking and keep trying and just trying to do better. I think m hm hm. And you know, we people do like having these conversations, and in general public it's just harder these days and everything so technology related and computers, computer nerds stuff behind the you know, you get stuck in this cycle behind
the keyboard and in your own heads and stuff. It's hard to break out of it sometimes. But uh yeah, yeah.
What's your name against, sir?
My name is Keegan, Yeah, Keegan, Keegan, Keegan.
You know what, man, I'm gonna have optimism for you, Keegan.
I've got optimism optimism for me.
Too, that's all. That's it. As long as you have that, you're gonna be uh, you know, as long as you actually truly, genuinely have a little bit of optimism, hopefully things will be on a trajectory. I fucking hope, man, I.
Hope continues to hope to help that. That's not religious. Uh, it doesn't even matter. And I did not have to bring that up. But I think if we just stay on, stay on the right path, and continue thinking and just trying to do better, we'll get there one day, right.
You know. Uh, there's a better chance. At least is a better chance at least. I'll say that much. All right, Is there anything else you want to say? The people of the computer before we go? Keep your head up, baby, rock and roll, rock and roll, all right, take care of Keegan, Good luck man, Thanks brother man oh Man. The more I do this podcast, the more I'm like, I don't have answer. I mean I don't. I don't necessarily advertise myself as having answers to the questions of life.
I sometimes sometimes I want to folks, listeners, help me out here. I tell me, you know what, I'm just gonna say this. Do you guys, Do you guys think?
Sometimes I wonder if doing this podcast makes me depressed or if it makes me better, Because on one hand, it gives me, you know, it gives me like some purpose to do this show and have these conversations, and people enjoy listening to it, and people enjoy hearing it, and people people enjoy this kind of curation of other people's lives and stories and problems, and I do too. I do too, And I enjoy getting to express myself, and I enjoy kind of a lot of aspects of
doing this. But then sometimes I wonder, I'm like, am I is repeated exposure to all of the lives of other people driving me insane, whether consciously or unconsciously, And then is having an audience of people watching in real time as I slowly go insane? Is what is that? But also am I going insane? Or am I actually doing a good thing by doing this show? Five It's been almost this summer, it'll be five years of doing this show. But I don't know. I only I only
know this show from this end of it. I don't know it from the listener end, I don't. I only I only know my life from my own end. I don't know it from the end of anyone observing it. So I have to kind of ask myself these questions. I have to wonder that I was thinking. I selfishly was thinking about that a little bit through some of
the calls today. I was like, is this is is dressing as a gecko and talking to people on the phone about all of the infinite because I because about about like all the infinite both joys and sorrows of life a good thing? Or is it detrimental to my own health? I even feel like it's kind of crazy for me to be thinking out loud about this, but I can't not. I've tried. I've said to myself, I'm like, I gotta stop thinking aloud so much. I gotta stop
sharing so much on the podcast. I gotta protect myself a little bit. But then I'm like, I think it's just my nature and not like in my own life and in this podcast, I think it's just my nature. I don't think I cannot do it, but I mean, that's what it is, and I'm gonna keep doing it because it's Yeah, it's I'm gonna keep doing it. I'm going to keep being a Gecko and taking phone calls and making this podcast because I actually really do enjoy
doing it. Ultimately, I think I scroll the I think I talked about this before, but I scroll through my Spotify sometimes, like like I'll like look at all the episodisodes and I'll look at the titles of them, and I'll remember the conversations and I'll be like, I really enjoyed having that conversation. I really enjoyed. I Like, I look at all the episodes and I'll be like, all of the like all of the episodes that I post on Spotify, like remember having that conversation, and I'll be like,
I enjoyed having that conversation. But I do wonder if it's driving me insane. But I am going to keep doing it. But I guess I guess I should also do other things, like I think I'm going I'm also going to do other things, such as do an art gallery where I display my trash. Okay, yeah, this is a perfect time for me to I'm probably gonna put an ad somewhere at the beginning of the podcast for this to talk about it again. I'm going to display
my trash. I'm trying to do things outside of what I normally do, and one of those things that I'm gonna do is take my trash and display it in an art exhibition because it's funny. And I'm gonna do that in Brooklyn, New York on March fourteenth from seven pm to ten pm. That'll be the gallery opening, but then the work will be on display at the gallery from March fourteenth to the twenty second. And if you want more details on this, I'm gonna include them in
a link in the episode description. So that's my life is. I'm gonna keep talking to people on the phone as a gecko. I'm gonna do an art exhibition where I show off my trash. And you know, I'm trying to have optimism for myself, and therefore I just feel like I have to have optimism for other people. It's maybe like a d it's a danger. It might be like a dangerous amount of it's so douchey to be like I'm an EmPATH or whatever, but like I like if I I just I have to be optimistic for everyone
and everything or else. I don't know how I'm gonna be optimistic for myself. But that might be that might just be unrealistic. I don't know. Isn't it weird? After five years of doing this, I have way more questions than answers. I had way more confidence and answers I think when I started than now. But I'm enjoying. But it's similar in the sense that it's therapeutic for other people to come on and call and talk about these
things with an audience to hear them. It's therapeutic for me to do it too, And that's why I'm doing it. That's why I'm putting this on the internet in a podcast for other people to listen to. Just a big, long rant about what's going on in my brain. It's helpful even though it's on the internet forever, and like in five years, someone will be like, Hey, I heard you ranting like a crazy person on a podcast five
years ago. What's up with that? I had? All I'm just gonna All you really can do in that moment is just go, you know, yeah, yeah, but what's how you doing? What's what's the weather like today? What am I gonna eat for lunch today?
You know?
How am I feeling right now? In this moment. Right, that all makes sense. Right. I'm enjoying this format of the podcast where I just rant incessantly my thoughts from my own brain. I'm trying to think of I have anything else to share or say before we end the episode. Sunlight is good. It's good to get sunlight. I've been every morning I've been talking. I talked about my excidential
dreadale at this episode. Every morning, I feel great, the sun shines, I take a walk, I do some pushups, I feel great, and then at nightfall, as I'm recording this right now, it's nightfall, and then at nightfall, I feel more despirally. So how do I create morning in my brain at all times? I'm not sure? For me, people helps like real having interactions with real human beings, being out of my house, being out of my brain. Walking always feels great. I like activity. I was in
a crowded restaurant the other night at ten pm. That felt amazing. It's one of the things I like about New York. One of the things I like about Tokyo is that there's always crowds and people, and I know everyone's kind of different. Some people they they feel much better alone. But I always feel better when I'm surrounded by like activity and things and stuff. I think it's like an ADHD thing. But yeah, that's it. That's the
end of this rant. Tell let's say some stuff. And I don't I read all the Spotify I mean, I'm crazy, I shouldn't do this, but I read all the Spotify comments. I read all the YouTube comments. So talk to each other in the YouTube comments and in the Spotify comments, say say some things to each other, say some things for yourself. I don't know. I don't know anything. I I I am on a search. For all I know is I feel good ranting into this microphone right now.
And so thanks for listening to this podcast and for listening to the me ranting into this microphone. I hope it was helpful for it was helpful for me. I hope it was helpful for you. I hope it was good for you. And let's keep doing it. But for now, I'm going to go to sleep. So thanks for listening to this podcast. Good luck, fucking try your best, and that's it, man, Try your best. It's all you can do. Try your best, it's all you can do. So you
can do go to good. If you're if you're listening to this podcast at like one o'clock in the morning and you're spiraling, you're going insane, Just drink some water, go to bed, and then try again tomorrow. That's the thing about thoughts is every time I have a thought, I'm like, this is it. This is the per every time I have a negative thought, I'm like, this is it now, this is the permanent status of my brain forever. And then that makes me spiral more. And I just
gotta always remember. I just gotta remember. No, it's the kind of the feelings and the especially when you have like ADHD or whatever, the feelings in your brain, they just cycle, they cycle, and they cycle. So if you're feeling good, it's not gonna last forever. If you're feeling shitty, it's not gonna last forever. So just just will let it pass. Let it flow like water. I feel like people say that a lot. Let the feelings flow like water. If you're feeling insane, just let it fucking pass. It's
not gonna be forever. If if someone's mad at you, they won't be mad at you forever, or maybe they will, but you won't feel it forever. It'll be all right, all right, good luck, thanks for listening.
There. Rep Ken goes on the line, taking your phone calls every night.
The repin Can goes.
Doory's right, he's teaching you to loud to live your life, but he's not really an expert.