ERIC ANDRE GIVES ADVICE AS A GECKO

Hey, folks, My guest for this episode is comedian Eric Andre. You know him from Adult Swims, The Eric Andre Show. You know him from his Netflix movie Bad Trip, and now he's hosting his own podcast, Bombing with Eric Andre from iHeartMedia and Will Ferrell's Big Money Players Network, which you can listen to wherever you get your podcasts. All right, let's get into the episode. Eric Andre, Oh yeah, we're on. Yeah,

Uh? Persistent thought? I don't know, like the current anxiety spiral. I mean, the news is pretty grim right now. I've just been watching Middle Eastern snuff footage for uh a week.

At what point in watching the news does it become like less about being informed and more like pornographic of your just like kind of getting a hit from all the horribleness.

H man, you really need to like, you need to take breaks, You need to sit on the bench on the sideline for a second and like breathe. It's grim to.

The problems of the world.

Ever, this is also the last thing I wanted to bring up, but you said it. What's been on my mind? And I have anxieties, and I well, I'm like thinking about what's my current anxiety spiral. But like, I don't want to touch this topic with a fucking ten foot pole.

Do the problems of the world sometimes like they're in a way a distraction from the problems of your own personal life? Do you ever feel that way?

Uh?

Yeah, maybe, But shouldn't we pay attention to the problems of the world? Yeah, shouldn't be apathetic?

No?

I think I think I think we should. But it's like it is therapy. I do go to therapy.

Something that's kind of behavioral therapy or what kind of therapy it is?

It's just like talking therapy.

Yeah, kind of what type?

I don't know, if there's a ton enough. It's like CBT or anything like that. Do you go to CBD CBD therapy?

Yeah? I got Yeah, I got that tremendous idea tremendous therapy.

Has have you always been yeah? Throughout your life?

No? Not really. I wish I went throughout my childhood. I would have resolved a lot of things that like, I like I let fester from childhood into adulthood. I really wish I I went to a tiny little bit of childhood therapy, but not really. I didn't really start doing until I was twenty five. But I regret. It's

Do you feel like you've at least like gotten close to that the inner piece that you're you're looking for sometimes?

But there be And mental health is a practice. I think, like a light life is nothing but stress and continuous bouts of stress and trauma. So I think that you know, it's not like you do therapy and then you do it enough and then you're just done, because life doesn't cease to be stressful so and traumatic. So I think I'm a lot better. I think that therapy and exercise, I'll say too, are like non negotiable.

As you've gotten older, has life gotten more or less stressful for you?

I think it's not quantifiable in like that type of metric. I don't think it's like more or less. I think it's different. I think the stressors of your childhood and your teenage years, and your twenties and your thirties and your forties and your fifties. I think each each decade, each year, each moment comes with its own nuanced set of difficulties.

Do you remember like the time in your life or even just like in general day to day, like what moments you feel the most happy during.

It's like the old Dennis Larry joke where he's like, there's really only like a few moments to have. I'm gonna shittily paraphrases joke because I haven't heard since I was ten. I think it's like a thirty five year old joke. Uh. He's like, the happiness is only like in that first bite of that chocolate chip cookie. Yeah, you know what I mean, Like pure orgasmic euphoric happiness is like is in those moments. It's more like mood. How's your mood in general? Are you down? Are you anxious?

Do you have a sort of baseline in mind that you typically tend to hover, like not straight to.

I don't mind anxiety because anxiety is good for performance. I mind the amount of anxiety that I have in general. So I wish that if my anxiety was at like a seven normally, I wish I could just bring it down to a four or five in general. Uh, and not like get caught in these obsessive loops. But I have like pussy footed around taking SSR's my whole life, and I think it's just time to at least try and then taper off if I don't like it, what was it? If they're going to offer some type of what was.

The cause of the pussy footing, because for me, I'm like, I don't. I don't like the idea of wanting to like being of like needing to be on.

Yeah, and and and then I think, what is that? Is that ego? It has to be ego? But yeah, I just like the having to be on something to just live life. That feels strange. But we're not in a natural world, you know, so we have to come up with unnatural solutions to adapt to an unnatural world.

Why why would you say that it's ego to think that, like I don't want to be on that.

I get, well, that's just me trying to figure out what it is. Why, why why have I avoided it for so long? And I think my ego says, no, you don't need the pill. You can you can do it through natural means, through therapy, through exercise, through meditation, and I do all that stuff, but I I'd like to take it over the finish line with I'd like to attempt to take it over the finish line with

Were when you were a kid, maybe like like a teenager, did you feel good and happy most of the time?

Or were you all I was happy, I was happy, but I was anxious. So happy and I was anxious and I wasn't. I didn't know how to uh. My parents are both neurodivergent and not they were emotions unintelligent. They're very intelligent, they're very academic, but they were very they didn't have the best emotional intelligence, and they didn't go to therapy. And I think they would have both benefited from therapy. So a lot of stuff, I think

What's your relationship like with them?

Is this the tone of the show? This is a good bit.

I don't. I don't. I'm want I'm I'm I'm not finding it interesting. I don't have grim I don't. I don't have like bits.

Yeah, yeah, you don't need a bit. You don't need a bit, But I don't people want this. We're dressed like it is it? Well?

Is this is? This?

Is this stuff you've like talked about on the podcast.

Talking about it. I just do Neil Brennan's podcast, and I think that's all I talk. Uh yeah, I heard. I don't want to make it like I have some huge, huge plight tour, you know, escaped the camera rouge or something.

I don't know if you've talked about this extensively yet, but I saw that you just did ayahuasca in Peru. How you feeling?

I feel good? Yeah, I feel good.

What was what was the experience?

Like it was cool. I've done different psychedelic therapies. I've done mt A therapy, ketamin therapy, siliceven therapy, I've smoked code venom, buffo, various toad venom. So it reminded me a lot of those various therapies. I like the MDMA therapy the best because it was very customized. I'm one

Did you form any legit bonds or friendships with the other people and in your group?

Oh?

Yeah, it's kind of like being a camp. You know everybody like it was a good group. It was a lot of like very sweet people.

Do you make it like at this point in your life, do you make a lot of new friends?

No? Making friends is harder the older you got. Making friends is harder the older you get. I think that's why people get married. Yeah, it's just like I just need like one friend, and it's my spouse and then eventually my kids. Because I'm too tired to make new friends, I'm gonna start talking to just some random guy.

Do you feel like you've got like a solid.

Time I'm drinking less too. I think like it's easier to make friends in your twenties because you're just drunk all the time. Sure, I just don't recover from alcohol that well, and it makes me gain weight, like fucking instantly booze in my twenties at dinner because I had them tabolism. But so I've kind of gotten shy, yeah, in my old age.

Yeah, I feel that a little bit too bit shy. Yeah.

Do you think I'm more reclusive and shy? I don't like it?

Have you ever?

I want to.

Like the persona that you have publicly. Do you think do you ever like feel a pressure or anything to like match that when you meet people in real life?

No, I don't feel pressure at all. I Uh, I think it's pretty clear I'm doing shtick on my show, and you know there's something for my birthday. I go crazy. There's time, there's times where that you know that persona is a part of me. I just not like that twenty four hours a day, do.

You, But it comes out in your personal life at some points at least.

Yeah. Yeah, it's how I joke around my friends. That's what I think everybody's comedic pov is. It's like, how did you joke around in the cafeteria in high school? And can you turn that into a career. That's what I think a career in comedy is.

Do you feel like your sense of humor now is still pretty like solid to what it was when you were fifteen?

Exactly the same? Yeah, exactly the same. I use jokes that we would come with my friends who have nothing to do with comedy now. I remember my friend Franklin and my friend Andrew. We would joke around. They were like my first writer's room. And Franklin has his PhD in music composition and Andrew plays piano. They have nothing to do with comedy, comedy, writing, nothing, but they were like the funniest guys I knew. And I'll still use jokes in conversation with stuff we came up with when

Are you with those guys?

Yeah? Yeah, yeah?

Are they stoked?

They if we don't live in the same town, so I don't I don't get to see him as often as I would like to. But yeah, and it's one of those things you don't. I won't talk to him for like years, and then we get on the phone and then we joke around like we're like fifteen years old again.

Are they stoked to see like a representation of like your guys's collective sense of humor, like share and commodified.

To the Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think so. I hope. So they seem like.

They're you want to take a phone call, Sure, I'd love to. Let's see we got How.

Are these in general? Are they pretty aggressive?

You said? Are they aggressive?

Yeah?

Like do people like get upsets?

Or are they just antagonistic?

Let's find out. I don't think no, these No, these people are an antagonistic Hey Jackson.

Oh shit, no fucking way. I'm I'm so sorry if I get a little loose. I'm super fucking excited.

What's going on? Jackson? I love that name. It's like Coultrane. It just a through the room. Jack what's your last name?

No, yep, I get yeah, funny enough England.

Jackson in England. What a powerful name.

That's pretty good.

Great name. Yeah, even Jackson, England.

At my college. At my college, whenever I professor, he would forget my name. And I used to live in Jacksonville, And so I told him like, where was the state that? Where was the city I used to live and that is my name? And it took him like three minutes. I'm like, it's fucking Jacksonville.

And wait. And he taught English and he didn't know your name was. He talked English and Jacksonville. He couldn't remember Jackson, England.

No, no, no, no, no, I live in I'm in broadcast television, okay.

I was in Bellising, just to bring it on home, Jackson.

What's what's up?

Man?

Was there anything in particular you wanted to talk to us about today?

Yes?

I have.

I'm very conflicted right now with whether or not I will be an asshole if I do not remind somebody about plans that we've had.

Well, are you dating with somebody or is this just a pal.

No.

So it's a I'm going to give you, like the very base level of what I can explain about my relationship to this girl. So we met on a dating app and we went out on a date. We really liked each other, and like, there's also some other things with it, but we hung out plenty times. She had to move to Tampa, and there's a whole lot of things that like are very mixed messages, Like I really liked her, but you know, she probably didn't want to date me because she knew she was going to be

Well, Well is the larger issue though, that she's not noncommittal, and she's not she's flaky.

Yes, So that is a problem that I've kind of had with her in general, because it's not like this is the first time we've tried to me. I've tried to plan out something with her and it is kind of sell through.

Yeah, and she doesn't live in the same town right.

No, she she didn't give me her exact location, but she does go to Tampa University. And she doesn't want me to drive Daytona.

You're in Daytona, yeah, yeah, yeah, I don't know. It sounds tough, man, you know, long distance is tough. And she seems like she's got ah. She doesn't seem to be have a she seems like she has one foot in, one foot out. I personally would would would play a cool give her some space, let her come to you a little bit if it's gonna happen, But probably I would probably cut and run.

And just if you met this person this before.

They've been twenty dates. You said that you went in twenty dates.

No, we I talked to my mom about this and she did mention you went on one date, but the rest were just hang out like there's.

No you've hung but you've hung out with it multiple times.

Yes, we know each other. It's not like this. We only met one and then she had to move down. We've met and we've hung out many.

Times after that.

Yeah, I don't know. She sounds like she's kind of not well, like kind of one foot in, one foot out. I would Yeah, I would either let her you know, if you love something, said it free, just leave it alone and let her come to you if it's going to happen. But I think if it's going to happen, she'd be into it and it'd be easy to make plans. It's kind of like shure to get off the popet, I think got I think you gotta get back on

Of weird, yeah, of course.

And plus there is also the so I my whole family is a big fan of halleen Hornites, and so we go pretty much every year for a.

Couple of years.

And so I'm going with my family and I'm like, hey, you know, because we tried to do the Hellow Scream but then she went with the dad. But then I'm like, hey, you know, would you want to go to halleen Hornite? And I did invite her before she went to Hallow Scream, but because she said yes to it, like she said, yes, I'm down. You know, I know a couple of your family members, you know, I would be down to do that.

That's kind that's kind of that's what you were talking about it.

Sorry, just saw this is always bullshit. I've been super busy. It is always bullshit. Like that's a red flag. Oh sorry, just saw this. It is like I don't believe it. I've texted that to women I've dated, and I don't believe it when I'm saying it.

At what does happen?

Sometimes I have a problem with my it's not a problem, but like I'll check my text on the I message on my laptop on my phone, and sometimes like a bunch will come to my laptop and I'll they'll they'll be it'll be as if I read them whether I didn't. So sometimes that happens. But if it's somebody you're actually interested in, uh, it doesn't really happen.

Also, Jah, I would I would whatever happens here, I wouldn't take it as a personal thing upon you. You know, I feel like that's a that's another Yeah, yeah, you.

Can't take it personally. You don't know what people people are going through and and and oh, of course you know there's many fish in the sea. And why don't you date somebody who lives at the same town as you. I think it's like hard enough to make a relationship work, let alone make make it work with hundreds of miles between you.

Hey Jackson, before we go, it's your favorite Halloween character?

Ah?

Fuck, you're you're?

You really gave me just a tough question.

How old are you? Actually?

It's a group of characters I am. I just turned twenty two days ago.

Oh, and how old is she? She's seven years old. Yeah, you guys are like young man. Everybody's young and awkward at that age, so don't don't don't stress. Everybody's awkwardness will slowly through the years diminish. But that's a young, awkward age for dating for everybody. And you watch like movies and you think everybody's all suave and smooth, but everybody's like clunky and awkward at that at that time

I it's a group of characters that am absolutely fascinated with. Killer clowns, from Outer Space.

Time, did you play the video game that just came out?

I it's it's not out yet. It's I'm on the I'm supposedly on the beta list.

Use that as your next dat idea. Have her come over and you guys can play the beta of the new Killer Clowns from Outer Space game.

Oh hell yeah, but yeah, it's It's one of my favorite characters. I just bought a new funk of pop when I was at fucking Walmart today. I'm super excited about that.

Jackson. You need a gallon in your life where you're like, hey, you want to go to Halloween hornit? And she's like, hell, yeah, let's go. Cool, I'll pick you up tomorrow. Great. That's how the conversation. It should be easy. It should just be flowing, not like oh sorry I just saw this. Uh fuck that shit. You don't got time for that shit. You need to just be like, yo, what's up? You know it's like your friends. You can just hit up your friends, Yo, you want to go to this, and

The people in your life should make your life easier, not harder.

Yes, exactly. The people that mind don't matter. The people that matter don't mind.

Like that Jackson's I think I fuck her Jackson.

She's a fucking backstabber.

All right now, I've listened to a lot of your shows, so I know, like not to kind of say, oh, you know, thank you. Good advice if somebody like keeping you at like an arms reads like, oh you know I could do this, but you know I can't do this exactly, don't do that. If somebody really wants to do something with you, they will want to do something.

Yeah, exactly. That's who you want to be with. Ultimate anyway. You want to just be with somebody that's like, yo, what are you doing nothing? You want to get pizza? Yep, that's it. Not like, oh yeah, but I got this. It's really busy this week. If you hear busy, if you're the word busy, I'm really busy this week. Bye, Because if you're if you know, if they want to hang out with you, they'll make time. They'll prioritize you. Everybody's busy. Give me a fucking break. Yeah, no problem.

English have aggressed that.

I am, thank you man.

Love it.

Both of you love you body.

You hear a shotgun? Sound of it?

Oh Jesus, most.

Call just commit suicide right at the end of their call, and showy we send someone high send on this show is pretty high, the highest in the podcast.

I like it. I like what you said. I feel like that's a I don't know, I'm feeling like I I also, I'm trying to get to a point where like I can set that I don't know if you'd call it a boundary or whatever you'd call it, where I'm just like, I don't want to deal with somebody who's like being flaky or or yeah.

It's not a good sign. Then they're they're not interested. You just got to be like cool, don't take it personally, just be like, hey, it's all good, and you just got to be like I'm fucking rad peace because you don't like you have a good old time with a hunk.

Hello, Hello, Dylan, Hey, what's up?

What's up? Man?

Yeah, dude, what's going on? Hey?

You good? What's hack? Let's crack a black and how can we help you about your question? Talk to us, you silly little.

I gotta I gotta be honest. First of all, Lyle big fan. I wanted to come to the show in Oslo, but it was between you and a concert, and yeah, I'm sorry about that. And Eric and Andre Big Show of of course, the Eric Andre show and also the movie. I loved it.

Thanks doing was the concert fun?

So yes, what's going on? Yeah?

Made me to move back to my parents and I'm pretty embarrassed about that.

Why is that?

I don't know. I guess it's like young man thing, like you want to do my parents proud, you know. I want to pay my taxes and make the big money and have the pretty wife and all that stupid ship you know I got. I went to the doctor last week and I yeah, of course, but I went to the doctor last week and I got diagnosed with burnout syndrome. Are you are you aware of what that is?

No? What's up?

Well, it's basically, uh, but because I got it because I was an abusive relationship, and it's basically that you're not able to work anymore like before. So I'm basically.

I'm like, that sounds awesome. I don't want to work anymore.

I'm on sick leave right now.

That's great and sick. I'm sorry that you're going through that, and you know, we take the time to uh you know, mentally, uh regroup. Sorry that you're going through that. Man, that sucks. I've been in abusive relationships. It sucks.

It is what it is.

How are you spending your days now that you're not doing anything.

Or problem is like with burnout, it also like sucks out all the juice out of things that you used to like. So I don't know, I'm guess. I guess I'm playing a little bit of video games here and there, and I try to get through the day not being as positive as as possible. But it's hard. In a car accident recently as well.

Jesus when it rains important you have a friend group you can lean on. Do you have a group of friends you can Are you getting You need sunlight, you need exercise, you need you need you need to walk, go for a walk. You need exercise, you need therapy. You need a friend group. You got to go out, make eye contact with people. A dog would help you. Gotta be you have a I have a heartbeat in the house with you. You have to have like another heard. Yeah,

I'll try it. I'll try to, but it's hard to find motivation to do anything that's not negotiable.

No, that's not negotiable. You have to you have to get the blood pumping, sure fire away to stay in your depression. If you're not exercising, you don't have to train for the Olympics. I'm talking just going for a twenty minute walk or something, getting sunlight on your face. Twenty minute walk. Don't be on the phone the whole walk unless you're listening to music that's making you happy. But that's like, you know what your body is designed

What was your routine like before you move back home?

What what a game? Say again?

What was your routine like before you moved back home?

Like?

Has it changed at all? Or were you kind of if you're dealing with the same thing before that. You sound like you're out of breath right now.

No, yeah, I'm pretty much because everything is.

Can you reach orgasm right now right now on the call?

I'm not sure. I can you know.

We would We would all our callers to masturbate until they reach orgasm. I think would be therapeutic.

That would be the first that I know of of somebody masturbating on the phone on the show.

On this show, I can assure you that both my hands are up in the air as we speak.

Hey man, you're all the way in Norway, live your life, do whatever you want.

And you're masturbating my rubbing your genitals on a piece of salami with no hands.

You can do that, You know that thing where you can like just with your own mind, like for yourself to get harder.

Come with you.

That'd be a good hobby to learn while you're in your mom's base.

I heard that's actually possible, and you're gonna do it for us tonight. No, Dylan, I'm just trying around. But you gotta Uh, there's nothing wrong with moving back with your parents. I actually think it's stupid that we leave our parents. Uh that's like, uh, the current system. But I don't think that's actually the prob What we're what we're designed to do, or is we're designed to hunt

Guess my biggest is I guess the biggest enemy is my own pride, because I want to make them proud in my own way. But I know they're proud of me for simply being a good person. None, you know. Yeah, take that pressure off your hand, with the hand that I'm delt.

Take that pressure off yourself. But man, don't be so hard on yourself. Take this time to regroup. Do things that make you happy. Get some hobbies. But you gotta be amongst your friends. And you gotta get out of the house. Get off the screens, get sunlight, get exercise, go to therapy at least once a week, if not two or three times a week. And uh, you gotta you gotta get out of the house and and be

Fall in love for sounds nice.

It's quite erotic, yeah, you know, Jackson English, it could be quite erotic.

It's erotic. Yeah, there you go. You can masturbate in the ceramics, you create.

You could do a you could create like a clay flashlight.

There you go, then all your problems will be solved.

I think we did it. Yeah, real quick?

How is your.

Is your?

Is your relationship with your parents all good? Like living with them and ship? Like? Are they Are they cool?

Yeah? Yeah, it's yeah, it's good. I mean it's it's normal, like we we run into each other and get annoyed, but we're family. You know it's normal.

Do your parents still make love?

I heard them one time, so yeah. Apparently.

How was that? That was a long night? Huh?

Yeah? I said my told to my dad like at the breakfast table, had fun last night, and he just laughed it off.

I respect you having the balls to bring it up. I would not, uh, Dylan, Man, I hope, I hope. I hope some of.

This yeah, because I was like, man, I was like, guys, you need to stop doing this this loudly? Did I want to sleep?

Mhm?

I don't know.

Were they just having missionary style vaginal penetration or were they doing kind of lingis.

Camer was not working that night?

Could you tell via the sounds of what sexual position they were in?

I don't even want to imagine that those your eyes.

Have imagine it.

They do have more open attitudes over there in Europe towards watching their parents.

I fucked both my parents in Norway.

That's where you got to do it.

I did that customs Viking ship. Yeah, that's right, Dylan.

Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

Don't be so hard on yourself. And I'm gonna show my parents an episode of Eric Andre Show and tell them this man gave me a therapeutic advice.

That Hey, take care Dyan, see Dylan, take care of y'all.

Thanks for taking Nicole.

That's Dylan is one of the most famous mass shooters in history. Hey, Philant, I feel good until you asked me that question.

Really, that's like me out it's like.

You, because I was like, does it look like I'm not doing so?

No? I just I have I I I that was that's more of a reflection on me than on you. Does that make sense?

No?

No, No, I I wanna. I was wondering whether or not you were doing good, not because you seemed like you were not doing good, but because I wanted to make sure you're doing good. I feel great, Okay, No, I don't feel like good.

Why look at your teeth. Yeah, your teeth stand out with the green.

Doude do you do I do? They look nice?

They're great?

Thank you? You take another call?

Is it just calls like.

Yeah, well we can we can.

Do you have like a breakdown like a Jerry Springer breakdown at the end of it?

Not really, I mean, I mean, I'm trying to think. Sometimes I have post call thoughts.

But you got to come off like you're the expert, right, No, not at all, not at all. It's your it's through your point of view, so you've got expression.

Not even not even really I try to you know, when I when I do it, when it's just me, it's like I I prefer I mean, even when I have a guest on, like I I prefer to be talking as little as possible, especially if like people you know, have things that they want to say, you know, because I mean, you know, I mean, look with with Dylan, like living in his mom's basement. It's like, dude, I started doing the show in my mom's basement. Like I was doing this in my mom's basement for like a

Living with your parents. Yeah, I actually think it should be more normalized a sense a source of shame.

I think in I don't know what country exactly.

Only left my parents because I had enough of Florida and I wanted to see the rest of the country where. Yeah, and I was in suburban Florida. There's nothing out there.

You're Jewish, right, Yeah? Sick? So sick was the theme of your bar mitzvah.

Not that Jewish. My mom didn't have a bot metzvah either. I'm from like a long line of like Cammie, socialist, atheist Jews.

Did you grow up at around a lot of other Jewish.

People, Yeah, for Bookerts on Florida.

Oh shit, Okay, it's.

The it's the the Zion of Florida.

Are your parents in like one of those like Jewish retirement homes.

Uh no, my dad died last year. My mom is, Uh, my mom is. She's in a retirement community, but not like not like an old folks home. She's just in like a fifty five plus community the whole.

Like, would you be able to track like what your personality like?

Does it?

Are you sort of both your parents? Do you think you're kind of more one than the other?

Sometimes I think I'm both. Sometimes I think I'm neither. Do you have siblings older sister? Yeah?

Is your sister anything like you?

Uh, somewhat, yeah, but someone she doesn't. She's not like loud and extroverted. She doesn't party, she doesn't drink. She's a bit of a teetotaler. She's very academic. But in some ways we're similar. In some ways were different.

Do you have a good relationship with her? Yeah, that's cool. She still like do you how Jewish? Like do you go to the services for like yum kipoor and Russia Shana and stuff like that?

Nothing? One time I asked my mom, I go, Mom, it's I was like in my early twenties. I go, Mom, I'm gonna fast for young kipor she goes, what why? And I go I we're Jewish, I don't know. Aren't we supposed to fast and reflect? She goes, no, no, no, no, no, yeah, if you're hungry, you eat.

But my mom, my mom would cry tears of joy if I told her I was fasting for young Oh my mom has no.

No. My grandparents, like my mother's parents.

Nobody was into it.

Nobody was into the rituals.

Really.

In fact, I think they disliked the rituals. I'd be like, Mom, we should do a pass over dinner. She's like, huh why. She never was, she'd never be aware of what holiday was whenever. And then I remember when I was like a teenager, kind of coming of age, finding my identity. I was like, Mom, we should go to school, we should go to we should go to temple. She was like, have you ever been to Temple before? I'm like no. She goes, There's no place on earth more boring than

There's the thing I could never get into Temple because there was never like even you know, it feels like in other religions, there's like an energy to it and there's like a you know, even in the ones where it's like, you know, I'm being saved by Jesus and.

Yeah, those are the newer religions.

In Judaism, it never tools. There's never like a why are we doing this? Why are we saying these words right now?

It's fairy tales written by cavemen five thousand years ago, and a lot of it has to do with hygiene from five millennia ago. Also, it's fucking insane and twisted. I try to read Genesis in Quarantine. It's like written by lunatic so like incredibly sex just incredibly homophobic and punishing at okay, slavery.

It's it's rough that bar mitzvah that you went to Did you get to go to the party part?

Oh? Yeah, I was that thank god. I didn't know the party part was coming. It was my first bar Mitzvah, and I thought it was like, this is the whole thing and they're reading from the fucking Sea Scroll and I was like, this is this is quite boring. This is I thought it would be way more fun from what I heard from my friends. And then when I got to the party party.

Your friends told you that school would be fun.

They told me bar mitzvahs would be fun.

Oh, there we go, and.

They are the party parts rat but the shool part is knock back a Shirley Temple or two.

I drank man of Schevitz. They had a bunch of manischevids out and I downed like a couple of little thimbles of it. I was like, hell, yeah, I'm a badass.

There was one bar mitzvah where my friends and I would take the balloons on the thing and like inhale the helium and it was.

Yeah, yeah, take early whippets.

Yeah.

I don't even know they got you high. I just thought it would change.

Your voice, you know. I was listening to Howard Sir in a while ago, and he had he said the funniest thing he goes. If anybody ever invites you to a passover dinner, run for the fucking hills because it is so long and so boring. If you do an actual to do the whole thing, the whole thing, yeah, fucking watch out they do before you go to because you're gonna be starving. Do you like if you wait through the whole thing. I've done, like the very short version.

Do you like masa?

I love Manza group on Matsa. I would just like lather butter on Manza and wolf down.

When I was a little kid, my mom makes this manza I had in a while, but half coffee, half chocolate.

Oh wow, it's pretty good. You know, it was good. I don't know if this place exists anymore. When he's very the Jewish Japanese place, Jewish Shalom Japan, Shalom Japan, they would have They had a jewet, They had a Monza ball Ramen soup that was fucking awesome. And the guy who directs my show Key Tao is Jupanese. Really yeah, so we would go there and function it up.

It's still around, I don't know, but it was awesome.

I don't know if it's arrived quarantine, that's it's worth checking it out. But it's a rad it's a rad fusion. Shalom Japan, Shalom Japan. Okay, I'm gonna check that out.

Hello, Hello, Hey, is this Candy?

Hey?

How's it going good? How are you hanging in there?

Candy?

Yes?

Oh my god, Wow, I've never met somebody under the age of seventy named Candy. Is your name Candy?

No, it's Candy.

Candy's on your birthday of it. Yes, it's a bit of a stripper name.

That's a new flapper.

But I I didn't even mean that as a joke. I didn't even mean that as a joke. I meant that, like just at phase value. Oh, okay, why don't you agree to ship? No, there wasn't an it wasn't an insult. There wasn't a joke. Sex work is real work. Candy, Candy, Cane, Candy Cane Lane.

That's that's me.

I know, I know you've heard every joke about your name, but I've never met a Candy so young. I'm assuming here reading Candy.

The only Candy I know is Candy Kong.

I don't know.

That is you don't know? Can you know the Donkey Kong people, the Donkey Kung people, Donkey Kong people, the designers like the No No family. Candy Kong is not a designer of the Donkey Kong's. Donkey Kong's. I think girlfriend or situationship is candy.

They're not. They're not at all.

They're not Donkey finds polyamorous significant other.

Okay, Candy, what's going on?

Oh?

Nothing, I just got home from work. I am a truck driver over the road. I live on my truck Monday through Friday. What Yeah, it's uh hard work, but someone's gonna do it, right.

You ever fall asleep at the wheel?

No, that has not happened. Never good.

Do you ever get really high and drive?

No? Nope to the long time to answer that, Candy, Candy, truck drivers have the best speed. You guys have the best myth.

I always forget that. That's illegal.

They're crushing adderall Monster energy drinks wild.

Mine might go to Red Bull.

Yeah, red Bull. They're all on uppers.

Where we're a litteral machine machine.

That's wild.

What's what are you? What are you hauling?

Can I drink or with this man. It's toxic. This is what killed the original. You have about a left fucking wizard of os.

You do, it's yeah, there we go. Wow, that's pretty good.

You didn't get a drinking I'm not watching the stream much.

I'm drinking water. So what's going on, Candy? How can we help you with your life?

Oh? I just I didn't think I would get this far, to be honest.

So your life is perfect?

No?

No, no, no, you're fully self actionized on the higher hierarchical scale of needs.

But I mean I just yeah, I mean I make good money and I have fun when I can when I'm not working.

Yeah. You sound like a chill ass ve Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I'm in a Vegas tand of this month theovon.

Nice. You sound like you got life figured out.

I'm just chilling, to be honest, Like, I don't like this. I can't. I can't stress. I don't time for stress.

Hell yeah, do you are you a gambler at all? Do you plan on gambling in Vegas?

Oh?

Of course? Oh I love to gamble.

Okay, so you were going to be getting another call from hotels facts. What's your budget? How much? How much you planning on spending.

I'm gonna throw up, Candy.

Oh, oh, I don't.

I don't spend more than like five to seven hundred.

That's pretty that's that's that's that's a solid amount of house money.

Candy. You're a fucking.

I don't know.

Let me, you're a fucking wild child. You ever do wheelies in that truck? You need truck tricks?

No, no, no, no no, there are no not really many tricks you can do.

You could do some trick, yeah, back it up, flip it around a.

Little, do a little fun tray, flip off some stairs. Yeah, pop, shove it fifty fifty little little three three wheel motion. Dude, taking a truck in the bowl would actually be pretty fire.

Why don't you drive that truck on stage with THEO Vaughne. Give him a fucking surprise of a lifetime. Right with all he has a drink anymore, he's got to get his adrenaline from.

Something, Candy. I have a question. If your life is going very well, do you have any advice for me? Oh?

I didn't see it was going very well. I just said it's all right. Any advice for you? No, No, I think you're doing everything cool. I mean, you know, just show I know you're like sad a lot. I noticed that from like previous I listened to you in the truck pre like older episodes and stuff.

That's why did I Why did I see? What did you?

No?

No, it's all right, it's all right, it's all right. That's helpful information for me to have. What was it about me that made you that made me seem so sad?

Oh no, you would say it all the time. Oh no, you were like you kind of sounded depressed sometimes you would say it, yeah, yeah, it's a little down today.

The therapy is all for me.

How can I be?

How can how can how? How? How? How do you think I could be less sad?

You know what helped me was smoking less weed? Oh man, smoking less? For real?

Are you? Are you drinking more? Monster?

Are you a weed guy at all?

I know we don't hit me, right, that's not my drug doing. When I was a kid, like a teenager thirteen years old, I loved it, but I don't know it turned on me.

I always forget that weed is like not good for you. Like there's all these like Reddit posts that every day try to convince you that it's like healthy medicine and whatnot. But it's yeah, good to be inhaling something all the time. And I know my memory is fading a little bit.

Oh, I just don't like the way it makes you feel.

Candy, can you remember your dreams?

Yeah?

I had a dream that I went with Optimus Prime and John Lovetts to their house where they were roommates, and they were both very religious and invited me to pray with them.

Nice. Was it my truck?

Candy's Candy just crashed your truck to the new three sixty dome in Las Vegas?

Candy, is anything you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

No, stay chill. You guys are awesome.

I love you, Eric, I'll try to be less sad by Yay? Do you ever like? I assume people come up to you a lot and they're like, Eric, you must be so high to come up with all these ideas. Do what do you? What do you usually say in response to that?

What drugs they? What drugs are you on? Right? I just said coffee? Just coffee, coffee from high. I don't want to work, Like, could you imagine being in a writer's room on acid? I'd be like, ah, glued to the floor.

I was listening to, uh, like a George Carlin interview and he said he'll like write sober and then edit high. So I'm like, all, okay, that kind of makes sense.

That makes sense. But he used to do so much cocaine. He would stay up for like seven days straight and start hallucinating people that weren't there, and then his heart exploded when he was like forty one, he did.

He died pretty young.

Yeah, he in his seventies, but he had two massive heart attacks because he was such a coke addict. Him and Robert Williams and Richard Pryor, they were fucking great mountains, scarface mountains of cocaine.

I don't get cocaine. It's just so it only it only really makes my heart beat.

Yeah, cocaine and weed are my two drugs that I don't like. Those are not my drugs.

What's your favorite drug?

Mushrooms? I think yeah, whippets. Mushrooms. Whippets near may say next is good. They can't do it all the time. It's very addictive and bad for you.

Eric, I am here, hello there, Yeah, not too much. Oh wow, that's a high compliment.

M hmm.

Call in on this special occasion, not too much, you know, never called in before, but decided today was the day.

What made today today?

Oh? Mostly Eric Andre being on the air.

He How you doing, Eric? Eric? You know what I'm saying. Player, Yeah, Candy yapping your way previously flap flap flap in that kid.

Yep, you know, got to do it sometimes.

I feel you, big daddy.

So so just to get right to it. If you could have a dinner party with any three historical figures, who would they be? And what would you serve for dinner?

You're a wild cat? Is that the question for me?

Or you? I mean, I was hoping you'd answer.

Tevy Dahmer told Bundy and John Wayne Gacy and they'd be eating me. They'd eat me out. Did eat my booty hole?

Didn't that one?

Like a fried circle at Calamari?

Would you introduce any chaotic elements into the meal?

Nope? Nope. Would be the most polite meal you've ever seen. I like that the three most prominent cerial killers eating me is not chaotic enough.

Really, I don't know how that could be made. More more than napkins.

We would use chopsticks.

I'll have to see if I can get dollary three to show me what it looks like.

Brother.

Well, uh, last thing, what's your your most memorable whippet experience?

No, that's a good question.

I have you have you ever? Have you ever seen people like smuggle a tank of nitrous into like a festival and bury it and dig.

It up later in the ice? Yeah? And ice coolers. Yeah, I saw a video of that. But uh, my most memorable one I did xenon one time. Xenon is an element the stars, like the Champagne of whippets.

It's very expensive scientology.

God, that did you where you get it?

There's a guy that was like, it's not illegal. So the guy was, uh, but they usually just sell it in bulk because it's just used for industrial used to make light bulbs. But I found like a rogue xenon guy. But he's he's a wall I can't the last time I membered ow Dan. Yeah, that was quite memorable. I've also totally like fished out once before, where like my brain completely ceased to I cease to be alive for like a second.

What's your most memorable whipped experience?

Eric?

Oh, gosh, you know a lot of the time, I feel like I actually don't experience much of an effect. Maybe I like don't inhale or something somehow. But so we do this thing though at the whippet parties where we get a globe and spin it, close your eyes, move your finger up and down it, and see where you stop it on the globe, and then you have to describe what you imagine that place to be like while hitting the name.

You are eccentric, dude, I like this guy, You're wild eccentric man. Do you remember?

Do you remember? Do you remember what you like? Do you remember what you landed on and what you described it to be?

Like? Oh gosh, you know, I'm gonna have to review the tapes. I do have them all video. Yeah, there's actually a lot. It hasn't dropped yet. I think there was a blize in there. I'd imagine it was green. But beyond that, I think it's kind of a spur of the moment thing before you come down.

Are you on?

Did you just do a whip it?

You know?

People think that, but I swear I have not done that today.

It sounds like you're an opium.

I might I might do one, well, you know, who knows anyway, I don't know.

We've hit We've hit a wall. We've come to screeching all that.

I was thinking. I was thinking I would invite Abraham Lincoln, John's will, John Wilkes Booth, and Abraham Lincoln's wife, and I would make them do the thing.

Mmm.

Abraham Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth, Harvey Oswald.

Oh, and I would, And I would serve JFK.

Sleigh Honey about a surprise.

Guess maybe Jack Ruby?

Who is Jack Ruby? Shot leer? Uh oh yeah, yeah, baby, bring them all. It's hypothetical.

Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?

I think I'm good, But thanks so much for your time. All right, thanks Eric, Right, have an excellent one.

Okay, you too. He was like a character from Napoleon Dynamite.

He was kind of talking like he was asking a question at the comic com panel.

What do you mean?

Like he like it.

He seemed like he was asking a question like a comic con panel. Like he had like that voice that you use when you ask a question, like a nerdy guy, like a nerdy guy voice, like not a nerdy guy voice.

An episode three fourteen Zeen a warrior friends.

Right right in that in that kind of cadence.

Uh yeah yeah. Comic book store guy.

Hello, Robin, Yes, sorry on my own? Is this you're on? You're on with with with me and Eric? What's going on?

Manh hi Hi, not too bad?

Thank you?

What's how can we get you today?

Man?

What's what's going on?

I just feel very directionless in life. I've recently graduated from from university of college to you and yeah, I just sort of got a job for the day after graduating at I just definitely know what want to do.

What did you major in politics? Do you want a career in politics?

I don't know.

I already work with in the how to of Commons in the British government, and I don't really know how much you know about British politics, but it's very much not going well right now.

Yeah, you guys are a mess over there. You guys, you guys brexited? Can you just can you just undo Brexit? And Brentrance cut yourself off from the from the mainland literally, Yeah, yeah, you're a tiny island. I don't know if you don't commerce works, but you really kind of cut off your nose despite your face.

What if you always wanted to do well?

I don't know that.

I've always wanted to travel, but I feel like, yeah, I don't know. I don't know where to go? West they go.

Why don't you take time off to travel? Why don't you take a sabbatical, take time off to travel and do some self exploration and then when you get back, just marry rich. That's what I plan on doing.

That's a good that's a good plan.

What brings you joy.

Was in thought.

I saw my first NFL game in London the other day. That was quite good to be sir.

Okay, why don't you do some sports? Why don't you? Why don't you pivot into the sports world, Not as an athlete unless you had the prowess, but you know, maybe get involved in sports. I don't know.

Are you good at rugby?

I'm not very good at rugby. Now I'm not much for thoughts and I guess, well, you don't.

Have to be an athlete. You could. You don't work for the you know, the each each one of those teams employees. Where is it you want to travel to Robin?

I don't know, Australia, in Canada, I think it's Canada pool Eastern Europe as well, but have been.

West of I guess it depends on what you like, man, I mean, follow your nose. If if Australia and Canada are going your name, go check them out.

You've ever I think about this all the time. There's like these websites where you can go to like get matched up with like a family to teach them English, or like help their kids, or like work on their farm or some shit like that. I always think about doing something like that, you know, and you can do. I think they like you do it, and then they give you like a bed and like some meals and

And I just feel like in my job as well, it's odd because when you work in politics, like there's an election and then you have like five days and then you just get kicked out on the streets nothing.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it feels really uncertain of the time.

Yeah.

Yeah, I feel like I'm a boring call for the rest of you.

No no, no, no, no, no no no. You should have heard Candy Man. You're falling asleep in their eyes open over here.

Now.

I'm just workrying Caddy. It was a great dumb teaser. Uh. The last guy we had was like a methadone or something.

So you're you're like, you're you're a nice baseline.

Yeah, you're you're you're a wild hair up your ass kind of collar compared to the last guy.

Yeah, you're bringing me a Look, I don't know what you're doing for the Nation of England, but you're bringing me a nice sense of calm right now, Robin.

And I think, uh, you know, trust your intuition. Life is short. Get out there and travel, and through your travels you might experience some type of uh self discovery and some epiphany on what exactly you want to do, or you might meet somebody that changes the course of your life. But uh, yeah, yeah, Yeah, try aahuasca, try any psychedelic.

Try anything. Get out in the universe. Yeah, you know, you might meet somebody, you might come up with some epiphany. Yeah, you know, just leave your out, leave the leave the nation, wander abouts like the like the nowhere Man from the Beatles, No man.

Yeah, I guess it's just stressful being in any government.

But it's just.

What's your what's your position in the government?

Exactly?

I am Richie Snak calling in No, I'm just I'm just I work with an MP directly to equivalent of a congressman, just like half helping them with all their tasks and things and frighting teachers or whatever, but mostly just like dealing with like the random crap that people right into us about, like is he a bit of.

A cheeky cunt? Is this Congress been a bit of a cheeky cunt?

Oh?

No, no, they're no, they're very lovely.

You know.

I don't know what that means in British, but I loved just I love saying cheeky cunt. You can't say it America. Well, you know, I think you have to be in Australia or England to get away in Australia.

If you call someone a cunt, it's a good thing, but a cheeky cunt or a ship cunt would be a bad.

Yeah. Is he a rosscott.

Bumbacot like, yeah, it's a nice thing here.

Yeah, Robin, I think you're a good cunt.

When you land in London, that's what you need.

I think you're a beautiful cunt. Go spread your your beautiful spread your beautiful cunt all over Australia.

All over Australia, Canada and anywhere in the world that will have you.

My friends, you got to have any final questions, Yeah, Robin, I think just quit your job and then follow your heart.

Man my dreams.

Well I should now Eric commanded it, so I should.

Yeah, yeah, maybe go to Australia. Shelf opinga and smoky youp be being.

I've written my down.

I'll do it straight away, okay, shelfing opingers when you put extit up your ass.

Oh, I didn't know that in Australia.

That's Australian talked though I ran on a British slang.

I'm learning more than the callers. Hey, take care, Robin, Thank you care so much, Robin, love you how you feeling. I thought you'd do I thought it was gonna make you feel bad to ask you that. Thanks for doing this. I really appreciate it. I'm a I'm a huge fucking fan.

You got what you wanted. Yeah, no, this was a bit of a snooze.

No, no, No, you were great. You were great. I'm honored to have you on. I'm a huge fucking fan. Dude. Is there anything that you want to say to uh, like you want to plug anything or anything like that.

Oh?

Yeah, I got a podcast. I got a podcast about bombing on Big Money Players Network. It's called bom. I just have comedians and musicians and artists on and asked what their worst gig of all time was.

And you're still on tour, right.

Yeah, Eric, Eric andretour dot Com. I'm in San Antonio on Monday, I'm doing my Texas. I'm messing with Texas next week San Antonio, Dallas, Houston, Austin. Then the following week I go back to the Midwest. Then I'll do a West coast leg. We're going to add dates too, So don't stress if I'm not.

And it's not it's that you're not doing like traditional stand up, right, you're doing kind of a medley of things, Yes.

A medley, a cornucopia of chaos. It's a little bit Gallagher meets gg Allen beautiful. Yeah, interviewing people, destroying the venue. It's very interactive, a lot of fan interactions. If you're a fan and you want to get stuff sprayed on you, yeah, if you want to come up on stage with me and do crazy shit.

This is the time I saw you like hanging somebody up on a cross.

Yeah, we ripped off a Jenna Jackson stick like she used to like put people this sex cross and then like kind of molest them on stage and like hump them while singing a song. So that's what I'm doing for my opening monologue.

Hairicontry Tour dot.

Com, hairand Jeordie dot com. Yeah, yeah, thanks, thanks buddy. The repet goes on.

The line taking your phone calls every night.

The repk goes Jordan's hide. He's teaching you cloud in your life, but he's not

Really an expert.