Hello you. What's your name?
My name is Mo. Mo.
Have we ever spoken before.
Mel, No, we have not.
Well, Uh, I'm excited, Doug. Yeah, I'm excited too. It's uh. I've said this before, but it's always crazy to me that after four and a half years, I'm still there's still new people calling in. So I'm happy to talk to you.
Yeah, well it's crazy. I've been listening to you for a few years now. And I was like, let me give him a call today. Life's been crazy. So let's see. I did shrooms about three years ago and that kind of gave me an identity crisis. And then about two years ago, I got married. Everything's fine and dandy, and I was, you know, going to work and II five is coming home to a wife and I was like happy what not? And I started hating my out just
out of nowhere. It just started hating my job. Funny enough, I'm at the Youth and Family mental health counselor. So I was like, I don't know, I don't feel like it's my calling. So I started working on starting side business. I got obsessed with droom footage, like videography, photography, and I'm not gonna lie. I kind of put myself in debt and it's a bit scary, but I'm having fun. I don't know, it's.
Okay, okay, a lot to unpack there. There's a lot to unpack there. How old are you?
I am twenty.
Six, twenty six okay, And you're married. Do you have a kid?
Nope?
Okay? When did you get married?
December of twenty twenty two.
Okay? And you hate your job as a family mental health counselor? You said, yep? And you're in debt from buying drones?
Yeah?
How much money and debt are you from buying drones?
Not an insane amount? I paid off most of it. I was at some point about six thousand dollars in debt now okay, two.
Five d okay, yea horrible. I've heard there's worst numbers. But do you so? Are you living paycheck to paycheck.
Essentially? Yeah? Okay, you know, with paying off my debt and everything, it's now paycheck, it's paycheck.
Do you make any money doing with the drum photography?
I'm kind of just building up a portfolio I started at about two years ago. I picked up gigs here and there, but I haven't broken like probably five hundred bucks.
Okay, yeah, so so I guess I'm sorry. I feel like I lost track. What do you this was this what you wanted to talk about today?
Yeah?
No, I'm definitely. I just I think right now, I'm just looking for direction in life, like I don't know, and the hate for my job like has grown into like I was never like this, right, I was always like naive, kind, gentle, and now I'm kind of like, I don't know what's the word. I wouldn't say hateful, but discouraged and uh, envious sometimes I never felt envy until about now, like or just like these weak negative emotions and it's definitely affecting my marriage.
Who are you envious of? What are you envious of?
Just like you know, uh, people with the comfortable living are like sometimes like I'll see somebody in the same situation as me and I'll start talking shit about them, which I have never done in my.
Life, someone like sa like like somebody like in debt and you start talking about them.
Yeah, I don't, like, dude, what are you talking about? You know? Like when I'm like alone in bed at night, I like reflect and I'm like, what are you on about? Right? Now, man, like you should definitely like apologize.
You know, how is how is this affecting your marriage?
I don't know. I feel like I've definitely spent a lot of money since because I started this drum business like six months after we got married, and I spent a lot of money just down that rabbit hole of wanting you know, the latest and greatest stuff. And now I'm like, shit, dude, you got to get it together because you know, like my wife is like, you're spending all this money on drunes and whatnot only and you don't even make money off of it.
So I'm like, you're right, yeah, I mean I'm with her on that. I'm with her on that. Yeah, yeah, I'm with her on that, especially if you want to you're talking about want to have kids soon?
Right, yeah, hopefully in the near future.
Okay, So uh, I mean basic like personal finance shit, you pay off your dabt, you make an emergency fund, and then you invest whatever else you have on top of that.
You know, like the thing is like I know how to get myself, Like I've been in debt before and then like before my marriage, I saved up about fifty thousand dollars.
And where did.
Wedding stuff? I also put down a bit down payment on a brand new car travel, you know, stuff like that, instead of investing in the fucking roth Ira or putting in his stocks or something. Yeah, it's kind.
Of what kind of what kind of car do you have?
I got a twenty twenty two Ford Bronco.
Okay, I'm not a car guy. Is that like a nice car?
It's decent. It's like I like it a lot. It's probably my favorite purchase.
How much did you but so it's not even you still have a payment on the car?
Oh?
Yeah?
How much? How much is the car in total?
About forty five thousand?
Okay? How much equity in the car do you have?
I put down I think about thirty thousand, so I owe about fifteen thousand on it.
Okay, could you theoretically I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your life, but if you are asking me, I do like figuring out these things. Could you theoretically sell your car, buy a really, really really the shitty used car, and then take the difference and pay off the debt.
Oh one hundred percent. It's definitely something that I've been contemplating, especially because you know, I initially bought the car because there wasn't much of it they were having trouble with production. I was like, oh, I'll buy this car, and push comes to shove, I'll sell for a profit because at that point, you know, it did sell for a profit. But now like they made so much of it that.
How are you how are you going to sell?
Who?
Like you're planning to sell the car for a profit.
I was at some point, how do you?
I don't I mean again, I'm not a car guy, but the car is like depreciate immediately.
So I bought it during the pandemic when there was a chip shortage and they didn't produce much of the car, so people were like had there was a wait list to get the car at some point, and a lot of people would pay extra for other people's cars to get them so they don't have to wait in that wait list. But now there is a weight list, there's anything.
It's do you want do you want? Do you want my aunt? Do you want my honest opinion on do you want my honest opinion on your personal finance situation? Or or because I mean, oh no, yeah, man, you should sell the fucking car and get out of debt and just drive like a shitty car.
You know, I'm definitely down to do that. I and you know what also is kind of tough. So my wife is Canadian and I live in the States. So we live separately right now due to immigration stuff.
Oh sure, And I thought you okay, I thought you two were like living together.
Yeah.
No, no, no, we've been living separately.
Where where do you live? Uh? Where do you live? I live in Buffalo, New York and she's in Toronto.
She's a little bit south of Toronto and Hamilton.
Okay, so it's about Anna. So if you go. But I thought, if you guys are married, doesn't she get a green card?
That's what I thought. We we've been applying for like I applied March of twenty twenty three, like because we got married in December and we're figuring life out. She needed to graduate and everything, so I was like, oh, I'm gonna apply as soon as she graduates. So I applied March twenty twenty three, and we're still waiting for a green card.
So how far is Hamilton from Buffalo?
About an hour and a half.
All right, Okay, so you got how often do you see each.
Other every weekend?
Every week? Okay, that's cool, that's good. And she and it's putting it and the financial shit is putting a straand on your marriage because she's like, hey man, I'm trying to start a life with you, so I need you to not go into debt doing doing a bunch of bullshit.
Yeah, and you know, like another stupid thing that we did because I thought she was going to live with me, is I leased an apartment, like a pretty solid apartment too, And you.
Leased an apartment in Buffalo?
Yeah, because I thought with me.
Is that where you live right now?
Not anymore?
I moved in with my parents to hopefully be able to pay.
Off my debts. That's a great idea.
Yeah, I think you know, if push comes to shoves, the car will be sold.
Okay, I mean yeah, dude, is the car is the car? Tangentially making is your car, like tangibly making your life better more than more than not having debt would.
Well, my debt isn't like an insane amount. It's about three thousand dollars. If you know, I really budget, I could pay it off.
I know, but yeah, I know, but you I know, but you can, but you could put thirty thousand. But you could put thirty thousand dollars in your pocket, use three grand of that to pay off your debt, and then go on like fucking Facebook, Marketplace or whatever and find like some shitty ass car that you can drive for Like what how much would that call?
Like?
At most? I don't know how much a used car costs off the top of my head, but let's say it's.
Probably about more I have K for like a decent beater car.
Okay, all right, you get a beater car for five K, and then you and then you have twenty two thousand dollars. Now instead of being in dead you have You go from having negative money to having twenty two thousand dollars. Your wife is like, oh, this man makes sensible financial decisions. She gets her shit together. You guys move in, you
can start doing a thing. You're a little bit closer to having some uh you know, uh room to if you hate your job so much, you have a little bit of room to leave and go find a new one. To me, I don't know, I'm not you. I don't live your life, but these all sound like the better things to have in your life. Than the car.
I think the separation is definitely the biggest issue with our marriage, more than the finances. So we actually started playing the jobs overseas and we're going through another their government for another visa because my wife found a job in Saudi Arabia. So we're gonna.
Sew Okay, So you're about to So you're you're about to move to Saudi Okay, you're throwing a wrench. I'm over here trying to go Dave Ramsey on you and you're throwing a fucking So you guys are gonna move to Saudi Arabia, Yeah, for like a.
Year until the US gets its shit together and we can live together.
Okay. So you're gonna live together with her in Saudi Arabia for a year. Yeah, what are you gonna do there?
I got family over there, so I've probably gonna, you know, work in a family business for good. And she's a nail technician, so she's gonna do a nail technician job over there.
That sounds nice. So you're gonna sell the fucking car, So you gotta sell that car anyway?
Yeah, yeah, all.
Right, okay, So don't you don't even need to convince you of anything. You're you're already about to sell everything I move go to Saudi Arabia.
It's literally bureaucracy that's kissing me off because it's like I have to go through so many holes and doors just to get a green card for my wife, and now I'm trying to get her. We're trying to get her visa to move overseas and we're doing the same ship again. So we're like throwing a dart anywhere and hoping it lands, so we could, you know, live together and hopefully start a feeling.
Well, that's nice, that's nice. Sat Arabia seems like a cool place. I want to go there at some point.
It's pretty I'm not worried.
I'm not worry.
I'm not worried about you anymore. I don't think I think you're gonna be fine.
It's it's literally shut up and wait. But I hate waiting.
Now, Yeah, you just gotta wait.
You know, I've been.
Waiting for about a year and a half, two years ago, so I'm like kind of sick of it. But that's why I'm trying to find opportunities elsewhere. But I also have to wait for those as well.
Okay, I mean what just sit in your parents just dude, just sit in your parents' house and sell the car immediate. Sell like that fucking car today. Get rid of that fucking car. Get rid of the fucking car, hang out in your parents place, and just save money.
Sounds reasonable.
Yeah, And then and then eventually you'll go to Saudi Arabia with your wife and you'll have you'll do fun cool things.
Yeah. No, that that's the plane. I I cherish traveling, and I feel like that would be a great experience for us.
Okay, just one I'm gonna let you go, But just one thing. If you really cherish traveling, if I were you, I would like spend as little money as possible on like the like uh you know, stuff, so you can save it so you can have the freedom and flexibility to travel. And you can still if you're if your hobby is like drones and photography, you can still do it.
Just buy shitty versions of the things. Well at the end, because at the end of the day, at the end of the day, the expensive versions are not going to be They're not gonna fill your soul or help with your hobby as much as it's not going to be a that tangential of a difference between the shitty ones.
Oh yeah, No. I definitely was like thinking, oh, I could start a business. Then I was like, like, you know, a year and a half, two years down the line, like, man, you're an idiot. People could go to Walmart.
Yeah, but buddy, start, dude, start your business with the shitty equipment first, and then once the business starts, like, don't like, start it with the shitty stuff first. Yeah, and you don't don't like, if you want to go into a business that has like a startup cost, just go in with as little overhead as possible, especially if you aren't making any money yet.
Yeah, very true.
I mean I mean this get go suit that cost sixty dollars.
All right, Yeah, well that's that's fair. You know, I appreciate you, Geck Ramsey, and I really I really enjoyed this conversation with you.
You know, I really enjoyed this conversation with you too. Go ahead, Sorry, what we're you gonna say?
I you know, I just felt very discouraged about myself in my situation, and you know, you kind of just let me know. Hey, you know, you just gotta wait a bit. Things are going to get better.
Yeah, no, I think so. Yeah, you're fine. Man, you're fine. I mean, sell that car and get out of dad. But yeah, other than that, you're fine. You're fine. You see you and your wife see each other every weekend. If you if you guys were like living on different if he was in like Alaska and you were in France, then it would be one thing. But if you see each other every weekend, you got a plan, You'll be You're I'm not worried about you. As long as you sell the car.
Well, I appreciate you. Man. That car will be sold soon.
It wouldn't it be funny if I bought it? If I if I wanted you to sell it so I could have.
It, I would be like, you better pick it up in the get Go suit. That wouldn't be man.
Well, well, anyways, anything else? Is there any fun? You want to say anything else before I hang up on you?
Oh? No, you know, I'm just I'm just happy to talk to you. Been a fan for a few years, you know, it's been It's been a great conversation. Thanks.
So what's your name again? Thanks?
Moe?
Take care? That was Mo? That was Mo. I don't know I I I kind of black out for that guy. That was a really chill conversation. I liked talking Tom out. I hope he's gonna be fine.
Yeah.
I sold my car, and I fucking hated having a car. I hate I really do, I really like uh. I mean, New York is more expensive than other cities, but you don't need a car, so it offsets a lot of that cost. But I also I just just fucking hate cars because I hate that. I hate that I might kill someone. I can walk the entirety of New York with a very little chance that I'll accidentally kill someone. But if you're driving around in a city where there's people walking, there's like a I looked at it. I
looked this up. I went on CHATCHYBT, I looked this up. Uh about I think God, it's something like one pedestrian dies every like three days in New York City or two days. That might be completely wrong, but that's what I think. I remember it saying, which is crazy because I thought it would be way more. I thought at least five people get killed by cars in New York City every day, but apparently it's way less. But even then, it's like so I guess there's but like like around
the fucking world, in the country and the universe. I mean, people are getting fucking killed. But I hated having a car and if I but sometimes you need one to do stuff. But it's nice if you can live somewhere that's not where you can just walk around and not kill people. And then like you get a dent in your car or like something goes wrong and you go to the Jeffery loub where the deal like a little like like there'll be like a little dent in your
car or something. And then you go to the people and they're like, yeah, this is gonna cost about three thousand dollars to fix, or you fuck up someone else's car and it costs a billion. It's just so they're just so expensive and annoying. And then you also you get mail when you have a car. When you have a car, you just get a piece of mail that says you owe the Department of Motor Vehicles fifty dollars. They'll just they just do that. They just send you
an invoice for fifty dollars just for no reason. There's like a missions testing shit. Well they'll be like you have to come in to get your car missions tested, and it costs. It's just so annoy It's just an annoying experience. But you need it in like everywhere you go, so I don't know. My leg's chafed to that's one of the trade offs. My eye of big fat, thick, dowe piggy thighs, and they chafe when I walk, and
I feel bad. It makes me feel gross, And those are those are the times where I'm like, you know, it's it's worth it to have a car so that I don't have to face my thighs scraping together. But that's the cost, that's the cost. Hello, holy shit, Hello, Hi. What's your name?
My name is Riyah. I'm like, I'm still flabergasted right now. What the fuck?
I can't believe Riyah? What's up Ryan? How you doing?
H Dear? I'm locked down in my apartment right now and I just have to like just such a long shitty day at work, Like there's these all these old people yelling at me, you trying to fix their organization, and I haven't eaten all day and I've been in a depression, like depression spial for the past I don't know how long like, I think this is just a bad day and I'm locked out of my apartment. I can't even like I can't even go.
In, and like rut, Yeah, you sound very stressed out right now.
Yeah, I'm like waiting on maintenance to come and like open my door. But I don't know. I don't know when that's gonna happen. Last time it took them an hour.
Well can I ask you that? Do you have like in your building? Is the hallway pretty? Is it?
Like?
What's the hallway look like?
Is the hallway pretty? No, it's like it's just like there's like another neighbor and they're like right on the like it's like a little corner, right, so it's my door on one side of the corner, and then there it's their door, and then there's a trash shoes and okay.
Yeah, what color are the walls.
Like a sea grayish blue?
Okay? Is there anything pretty about like the wall color like that you can I'm not asking if it's like a luxury building, but like can we look at a color and be like that's a nice color.
I guess I think some people would look at it and think it looks like a millennial gray a little bit. It's an old building, so you know, they try to like revamp it by coloring the walls. I don't know, Like it's it's like I don't know how old this building is, but it's like it's the kind of doors where it's like if you if you walk out, the door automatically locks behind you, and like I don't know why they do that. Who's that helping?
Yeah? Oh, if it makes you feeling it better. I've locked myself out. I've one time locked myself out of my apartment, had to go to the like leasing office to have them let me back in, and then immediately locked myself out again. I had to go down to the leasing office to have them let me back in.
Oh yeah, that's kind of silly.
So Riya, it's all right if you just want to chitter chatter. But I'll ask you this. You sound like you have a lot going on. Is there anything in particular that you called in to want to talk about anything at all?
You know, I am like really scared of like growing alone and like losing my job and not knowing how to take care of myself. And also I have this like weird thing going on where like I feel like I'm trying to day and find someone, and I don't even know if I like people I like. I don't know if there's just like a storm of thoughts I can just like spiral so quickly, and I don't know where to begin because I never thought like i'd even on the show, and like I've thought about it before.
I'm like, oh, what would I talk about?
But like, no, this is all Yeah, No, I saw you.
I saw you at your show. I saw you at your show in Summerville.
Cool. Oh that was a long time, dude.
I didn't know what to tell you. I didn't know what to say to you. Like I stayed afterwards to talk to you, and all you said to me was all you said to me was like you look colorful. And I was like thanks, and then took a picture and then left, and I felt like so lame.
I was like, no, I know, yeah, oh that was perfect. So that was perfect. Well are you talking about the one from earlier this year or from twenty twenty two, because earlier this year, Oh, at that fucking at that like community center place.
Yeah it looks like a cool right, that was cool?
That was cool. Yeah, with the clown guy.
Yeah, he annoyed me. I don't know.
Well anyway, anyway, Okay, first of all, just saying and no reason. No, everything's all good. Everything's uh super chill. Let's talk about this. So you're trying to date and you're afraid that you are going to die alone and grow up lonely forever and lose your job, and you're just all these horrible things are going to happen to you.
Yeah, when you say it back to me, it sounds really like lame, and I'm kind of embarrassed, like.
Hold hold on right, Well, so first of all, don't feel lame, because I just need you to know I am also, on a daily basis afraid that all of the same things will happen to me. So you don't need to feel lame. Are you afraid that your friends are gonna.
Hear this a little bit? Like I feel like people look at me and like pity me, and so yeah, that's I guess I'm just adding to that image of like a lame person, like I'm not the cool person that they first met.
Like yeah, but but but the trying to build like uh, like an image, your image isn't helpful to.
You and your actual life.
Wow.
Okay, well, because well hold on, I've there's so many there's so many things I want to talk about with this. Let's just start. Let's just start here. How how old are you?
Twenty nine? I just turned twenty.
Nine, And are you like, are you like on the dating apps and stuff?
Yeah, it's okay.
How's how's that going, dude?
I feel like every like normal like sae human person like found each other when they were like twenty five to twenty seven or something, and then they got married and then now it's just like crazy people out here, like like me, like, I'm I'm I'm not that crazy. I don't think. I think I'm pretty normal. Like I have a job, I live on my with a roommate,
Oh no, my own so, but I don't know. It just feels like there's so many people who aren't in touch with themselves and they're like thoughts that it makes it hard to get to know them on a deeper level. And it's tiring.
Yeah, it's very tiring. I'm no, I'm no expert on success in this arena, but I'm an expert on failure in this arena. And you know, I too, have you know, I spent a lot of time on uh dating app apps and whatnot, kind of trying to to find someone into it. Just recently I deleted my presence on those apps and I just decided to kind of try and
like find peace and be at peace with myself. And I did that like a week or two ago when I'm feeling really good about it, and I felt like I kind of feel like, well, you said, do you feel crazy?
Yeah, because it's like, why doesn't anyone like me? And then when they do, all of a sudden there, yeah, yeah, how.
Long have you been trying?
I feel I've been trying for years. Like I feel like I missed my window, Like my prime years were during COVID when when I was like twenty five to twenty seven or whatever, and like and I feel like I just missed my time period. And like it doesn't help that I'm a woman and there's these expectations and like all these stereotypes about like you know, if you're alone by like thirty or whatever, then there's something wrong
with you. And even if there isn't, well it doesn't matter, like no one wants you.
Well, I mean, let's talk about do you like your just in general, do you like your life?
Yeah, i'd say so. I think, yeah, I've got good I've got good friends, Like they like are they're not always there for me? Like okay, no, that's so rude to say, so okay, no, they're they're there for me and in the big moments, like they planned stuff for my birthday, they like they talk to me about their struggles, and that makes me feel good because I feel like I'm getting to know them deeper and I can help
them out. And I just I think I just miss what I'm missing from my life is having someone to like build it with or like just experience moments together and like have someone to reflect on them back with.
Like my friends they all have like partners, and it just feels lonely because it feels like I'm not their primary person, so like I'll never and like, I you know, like I have this whole like thing about like relationship anarchy, like I wish like everyone kind of like lived like that where it's like their primary partner isn't actually the primary partner.
Like yeah, I know what you mean.
Yeah, I know.
No, when I know what you mean, you kind of want to feel like, uh, yeah, it can be hard when you feel like you're no one's like primary person, right, because like you know, you can go you go out with all your friends and like you know, you feel very close to them, but still when you go home and you kind of go into the uh, the the the real depths of your life, you can kind of feel alone and like there's no one else there. I get what you think, now, yeah.
And I'm like I'll talk to a therapist and I'm on medications and stuff, and like I've been doing this for like like seven years now at least, and it's just like it feels like when am I gonna like.
What do you when you do? Were you hold on? You said you've been doing this for seven years?
Was that was this like the whole like going to a therapist and doing individual therapy and group therapy and all these vacations. It feels like it's like is there something wrong with me? Like and like am I autistic? Am I just not diagnosed? But like my therapist doesn't become autistic, so I guess I'm not. But who knows? M hm.
Hm hmm.
And like I feel like I have so much writing on can I find someone to be happy with?
Yeah, that's the fucking yeah. But you understand, like, uh, that's kind of I've I've really learned this, Like that's
there's a paradox there. This is a real paradox because, uh, it's like when you have so much writing on trying to find a relationship, I think it paradoxically keeps you away from one and it also makes it It also makes it so that, like I mean, if you're trying to find somebody else, it's so hard because I really, I strongly believe that like relationships, not just romantic but just you know, the relationships you have with other people, they're the gonna be the biggest source of happiness that
you have in your life. And by the way, I'm not an expert on this stuff. I'm really fascinated by this paradox and I'm really trying to kind of figure it out, and I talk to a lot of people about it, and I think a lot about it. The paradox of like relationships that you have with other people, again, not just romantic relationship anarchy, as you said, are some
of the biggest sources of happiness. And yet if you're on the search for a romantic partner, but with the context of I'm gonna find this person and they are going to be the missing puzzle piece that makes me happy. That's that's too much to put on someone else, you know, that's an unreasonable request. Yeah, and it's gonna and it's gonna and it's gonna fuck you. And even because I even if you do find that person and you have so much stock tied up in them, that's that feels
kind of dangerous to me. But it's a fucking uh paradox because you should if you're gonna fucking like get married to someone and you're gonna they're gonna be your primary person and you're gonna build a life with them, you should have a lot of stock in them. They should be one of the primary things that make you happy. So it's a weird paradox. I don't, I don't. I don't know what to think about it, really, but uh, yeah.
I feel like the dating apps aren't really designed to actually make you or help you like find other people, like because I don't see any incentive for them to do that really, because don't they want to keep you on the app? So like, and like, I don't know, there is I don't know it feels all kind of hopeless and it's hard not to let it get to you.
And I try to fill my life with hobbies and things, and it seems like I'm like eternally trying to find something else to fulfill me, and I don't know what I'm doing with my time, like, and it doesn't help that like my family is all like my dad's like he's super like hardcore Muslim, and I grew up pardcore Muslim and I've like gone against like everything he's ever
taught me. And so like whenever I visit home or whenever it's a phone call, it's always about like, let me find a Muslim man for you and then everything will be fine. And it's just like I don't really care about the Muslim part so much. It's just that like there's so many like traditionalists who are usually Muslim, like they're not like chill, like they're I don't know, I'm getting into different topics, but yeah, y, I don't know if it's making sense right now. Sorry I'm bothering you.
No, no, no, I'm just thinking. No, I'm just thinking about, uh, your situation. It's not an uncommon situation. Yeah, I don't know, do you have friends.
Yeah, I have friends. They're like you know, I have my Discord friends that I like gamed with during COVID and I've like met them all in person, and they're all across the US, and but we don't really talk too much anymore, Like it feels like, you know, everyone's got their own lives going on. But we catch up every now and then, maybe sometimes I go on a trip. I have some friends here in my city and they're
they're cool. Like I try to see some I try to do like a social acts, like meet up with one of my friends, like every week at least, like I try to because I feel like it's really easy for me to self isolate. So I try to plan things ahead with people, and I'll try to use dates as well as a way to be social. But going on dates isn't as it doesn't fill my cup as much.
As no, you know, yeah, well, how when's the last time you just quit all your dating apps and you were like, I'm just.
Not doing this for a little while, literally literally like three days ago.
Oh okay, okay, so three okay, so you so you so you did that three days ago and then but I've done it before.
I've deleted. I deleted many times before and then got back on it.
What's the longest streak you've gone not being on it?
I don't know, like maybe like seven eight.
Months, Okay. Do you feel happier during that time?
I think so. I think like it's kind of like a feeling of resignation of like this, this isn't working. I know it's not gonna work, so I'm not gonna be on there and so but it's not like, oh, I'm going to try to find someone in real life. It's more like.
It's such a it's such a I really, I just I empathize with you. It's such a weird fucking paradox of like the people you're support you you I by the way, I believe you. You like so weird fucking paradox of like trying to find happiness alone. But then if you're happy alone, why would you need why would you want another person? But then if you find another per it's just it's just a weird paradox that I
don't I don't have any answers to. But if it makes you feel any better at all, you are not the only one, uh trying to figure out this paradox.
Do you do you ever get caught up in your image as like a person outside of like the lizard suit, Like, do you ever think, like, oh, maybe if I was like, Okay, these are I'm projecting, Like like basically my thoughts are like, Okay, if I worked out more, if I like just like got totally shredded, then I would find yeah, yes, yes, And then it's like because I'm because I'm not getting shredded.
It's my own fault that I haven't found anyone. But I know that I've like I've been in relationships before. It's been three more than three years, I think since my last relationship. So it makes me feel like, oh my god, oh my god, that was it. I didn't even know like that was my last one. And I'm not gonna find anyone anymore, you know, And I've never been shredded, but like, yes, But.
To answer your question, what's your name again, Riya Riya? To answer your question for just hilarious that I feel extremely called out right now in a good way. I literally, yeah, I deleted my dating apps and stuff like a week ago, and I was absolutely of the mindset of like, Okay, we're gonna get shredded first and then we'll come back. I literally was I no, I literally I deleted them and I was like, Okay, we're not coming back to this until we get shredded or.
Because it's not gonna be But I do that every time. I do that every time, and then like I'll be like, okay, I'm not that dad. Let me just like download and just see what's out there, and then I end up back on my That's how that happened.
Yeah. Oh man, Oh, you're completely ruining the idea that I had that things will be different when I return. I'm sorry, No, it's okay. I think it's good. I think it's good. Yes, I have done that same thing. I think a lot of people do that same thing. The second part though, the second part of like what was the second part of the thing. It was like, if I'm not I'll never find someone.
Oh, if I'm not shredded, then I won't find someone because and it's like and because I'm not shreaded, that's my own choice of not being shredded, and so that means it's my own choice that I'm not finding anyone.
Yes, I have followed down that path of logic before how much of it do I believe I believe about I would. I'm not going to go like motivational on you and say that I don't believe those things about myself, because I would that would be hypocritic of me. I mean, is I think. I mean it is a choice. I think to not be like in shape, But I think that's uh, I look at it. I mean for myself. I mean, look, I'm like fucking you know, I went, I did my BMI today, I'm about three points over obese.
Uh is it my choice? Yeah, it's my choice. And to say it was, to say it's not my choice would not be helpful to me, because then I take the power away from my because you feel I assume you feel powerless in your in your journey and you're clinging to things that you think, Okay, I can do this to influence this journey in which I feel powerless. This is a little bit of power I can take back.
That's how That's how I feel when I say to my when I you know, have the same thoughts that you're talking about, where.
It's like yeah, and then you get it gives you a glimmer of hope.
It gives you a glimmer of hope. But that's and that's what you need it. You need to find some fucking avenue in which you feel like you can take control.
Yeah, I don't know. And I'm like a tall girl too, so it's just like, oh my god. Sometimes it's just like I feel like people just like others, like I feel like it's so stupid. It's so stupid. I feel like I'm basing so much on like my image, and I know I have a great person because I know. It's like it's like it's like I'm a good I think I'm a good conversationalist. Like people say, like I have charm and stuff, and they say all those nice things, but at the end of the day, it's like I'm
not beautiful enough. I'm not like I don't fit thisthetic standards of like what's popular right now, which is like being a short, cute girl.
Mm hmmm, mm hmm.
This it's I sound so whiny and I know that, and I know, like it's like, oh it's not I know I sound like envious, and it's true, I am envious. I wish I was just like I wish I had the kind of face that was like cute and like makes you want to take care of it. But like I feel like I have like this really stern face and it's like I can't change it, you know, I have to work with what I got. And yeah, I don't know.
My my my brother in Christ, I have. I have been there. I have hated my appearance. Uh and for lots of times over the course of my life and in recent history. I really really really it's weird. I uh So, a couple of days ago, I've been trying. I've been trying to go out into New York a lot more and like do stuff. And I went to this thing on Saturday. It was like a it's called a formation circle. Like there's like a reading and then
everyone talks about it. Uh there's a reading about enoughness and it was like this idea of like when will you ever be enough? And we talked about it and I have It's another fucking paradox. It's another fucking paradox because on on one hand, I'm very practical and very logical, and I like, and you know, you take up some power in that right because you go, Okay, I have the power to make my appearance better. And I have the power to, like, you know, get shredded, as you say,
And that's the little power I'm gonna take. And I don't think that's I don't think that's bad. I think it's good if you to make positive life changes for yourself. But then on the flip side of that, the internal universe, I don't think you can do it by hating yourself
the whole time. And I think you do need to like accept the way you have to, like accept the things you can't change, accept your height, accept your what you look like, no, and know that you can change things about how you look, and know that you can make more positive decisions and there are things in which you have control. But you also need to balance that with some acceptance so that you're not just fucking walking around hating yourself all the time, because that's not healthy.
Like it's like going to the gym and losing weight and doing all that stuff is healthy, But so is accepting yourself and not hating yourself and not being stressed and anxious all the time. That's healthy too. So it's kind of a it's a weird balance you got to kind of you kind of kind.
Of kind of reach yeah, I guess like hating myself
hasn't like transformed me. Well, I don't know. I feel like I grow the most when I throw myself in the water, like in the ocean and in certain scenarios, Like I feel like I used to be like really introverted until like I got this job where I had to do a lot of public speaking, and then I feel like that forever altered my personality or like cracked my shell, and like I feel like I need to like make this change or something something dramatic to change the course of my life in a good way. And
like I'm just like I just blame myself. I'm like, why haven't I done that already? Why haven't I gotten shredded already? Like because there's plenty of people who themselves into being better. So I don't know, it's I can't conceive or the thought of like well even it sounds cringey to say, but loving yourself sounds so like just like woo woo to me, and like but like kind of just seeing yourself as like enough, I feel like it's more attainable and maybe I guess that could.
Work on I know exactly, I know the I I similarly have felt like this, like the rejection of wanting to love yourself because it seems like woooo. But like, I just have been thinking about this stuff, and lately I do think that you can have both. You can love yourself and feel woo about the world and blah blah blah, but also be like, well, I got to kind of fucking do ship too, you know, Like I've
been trying to. I've been trying to not be in a rush anymore and trying to have I'm trying to be anxious less and that might make me a little bit less productive. I don't know, I'm still a lot of stuff is kind of uh. I talked about that either last episode or a couple episodes ago.
Yeah, but do you get you get high a lot still or ever? I can't remember, but like I think I like there was just like one time you said on a on a show that like you've gotten maybe high twice on a show. And and but the reason why I bring this all up is because like I find myself getting high a lot to like try to.
I don't know, I feel like I'm in a more accepting, free thinking mode and so like I'll make a lot of changes and feel like I have more free will when I when I'm high, I'll try to I'll try to like motivate myself to make these changes. Like recently, like last week, I went on like a four mile walk, just like totally high and listening to any and stuff and like it. Like I was like, hey, if I could just get high and just walk four miles every day, then maybe all this weight will fall off and then
I'll be like this totally brand new person. And I don't know. Anyways, I find myself getting high a lot to just do things, and lately it's been backfiring and instead I get like into this whole like spiral of
like hating myself. So now I'm like, well, fuck, well, how do I motivate myself to like become to kill, to still keep living, to still like try you know, like right now, the meds, I'm on, uh, they make it a lot easier to deal with these thoughts, but the thoughts are still there and they they still hold me down. But I'm not like, you know, suicidal at least, so.
Yes, I still get high. I still get high a lot. I thought you were gonna I was. I got a little nervous because I thought you were gonna say something like you said in one of your early podcasts that you were quitting weed.
Did you.
I don't know, Maybe I hope that's That's what sucks. That's one of the that's one of the downsides of just saying whatever into a microphone is that people will be like, hey, remember two months ago you said you were gonna do this, and you just fucking totally didn't do it at.
All, And you have to be like, dude, you freaked out. You freaked out when like there was a caller like a couple episodes ago that was like quoting you, and like the way it made you feel uncomfortable was kind of funny because I would also feel I would also not want my words thrown back at me.
You know, I don't at all, but I listened. Any time I want, I can destroy all of the I can just hit the XP. I can never have to go on the internet ever again if I don't want to.
We would be sad if you did that.
Uh, you know, I don't plan on doing that. But anyway, anyway, what's your name again? You've told me I about five times, but ya Rayah. Well, Riyah. Well, I'll actually I would. There's one thing I do want to mention about this is, you know, it's interesting to hear you say, like, uh, it's interesting to hear like a woman's perspective on this because like myself and a lot of other like guys that I know have also been on the whole train of like, you know, I need to get shredded before
like I put myself back out there. And I think with with dating in general, there's all these like I mean you go on like Twitter or threads or whatever, and there's a lot of like gender wars about it and whatnot. But I think when you get down to it, it's like the emotions surrounding this process and the feelings and the thoughts and the ideas they are universal and I think shared by both genders a lot more of
the feelings and the emotions. Obviously there's things that are like specific to the male experience and to the female experience, but I think there's a lot more that is shared than is talked about or acknowledged.
Yeah, I feel like, no, I totally agree with that, Like I don't really see I don't really see gender. No, I mean, like I know, that there's like gender like stuff and issues, but like in general, like for instance, romantically, when I like look at a person, like I'm like trying to see them for them, like I'm not. I don't really see it as like man versus women in this like whole like being on like trying to find someone to have in your life romantically, because I think
that just works against us. I mean, if we just saw each other as people, like maybe most of these issues wouldn't exist. Of Like, yeah, I don't know. I think it's a system working against us if we like think of it in like a gendered manner of like oh, all men are like this or all women are like this, Like.
Sure, yeah, definitely not helping anyone. Well, right, are you still in the hallway of your apartment, dude? Yeah, Well, I hope that whoever's coming to let you out come soon. Thanks for thanks for sharing your your lived experience. Thanks for talking on the phone.
Yeah for talking on the phone with me about it, Like it's nice that you're not like trying to like give me like diluted advice or anything and just talking about your experience with that as well. Like I feel like that's more real than you know, people just being like be positive.
You know, if I had any good solutions for you, I would Well, I guess we talked about a few, but uh, you know, I guess we're all just trying to figure it out. Ray, Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go, or any other anything that.
Yeah, thank you for listening and thank you for accepting my call. And I hope everyone doesn't feel lonely and find someone. Have a good night, rya bye.
Damn it. Okay, I was trying to think of a post call thought. By any post call thought I would have had would have just been me regurgitating things that I already said over the course of the of the call. I don't have any new information to add as a post call thought. Hello, folks, it's Lyle here. That's the end of this episode. But get this, I'm releasing a bonus episode this week. That's right, an entire extra hour
of the podcast that you can listen to. By becoming a premium member of Therapy Gecko over at therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. Supercast subscribers get access to bonus episodes. They get a completely ad free podcast feed of the regular show. They get recordings from my live shows, members only streams, and they help support my ability to continue doing this podcast. So here's a clip from this week's members only bonus episode. So he had a watch that
was worth two two hundred. You know it was worth two hundred? You low ball them fifty bucks?
Yeah?
Are you putting a lot of situations while working at the pawnshop that you feel morally questionable about?
No, it's about it like ripping people off with the money, and that's about it.
Mm hmm. What kinds of stuff do you? Is there anything in the pawnshop you think I might like that I should buy? Do you have gold teeth?
Scull with teeth?
Yeah? Gold teeth?
Oh, gold teeth. I may we can make it for you, just for you.
Can you make them green?
I can make them any color you want.
All right, I'm coming down there. If you want to hear this full conversation, you can sign up to become a premium member at therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com or find the link in the episode description that's therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. All right, I have nothing else to say. One never think get good starts, I just teaching new housing your life, but he's not really an expert.