Hello.
What is your name? My name is Alison Allison. How you doing?
I'm good? How are you?
You know? I can't complain I'm caffeinated, I'm alert, I'm attentive. I can't always say the same. I can't always say that with confidence. To be honest, I've actually been getting like a few comments on you can like comment on podcasts on Spotify now, and I'll look at my Spotify comments and I'll occasional I'll get a few that say, like, is Lyle drunk? And I'm like, oh god, people can tell I'm not drunk. But I guess I'm not always as alert and attentive as I would like to be.
I guess we can thank stimulants. I'm on a Celsius right now. Shout out to Celsius. I've found that drinking a Celsius or a coffee before I do one of these streams is kind of like the key to being able to be attentive and Okay, But I guess that's bad, right, I should be able to function without caffeine.
But I was gonna say, does it is it a little draining? I was gonna say, is it a little draining to like talk to people all the time.
Yeah, definitely. It's definitely draining, but I on the day, I like doing it on the days that I like doing it, And like, in this very moment, as I'm talking to you, I feel, like I said, very alert and attentive and good. So I'm ready to chit chat on the phone. Well enough about my my green little ass. What's up with you?
Man?
Would you want to talk about today?
Not much. I didn't expect you to call me. Tonight's like the one night that I was like, maybe I won't send a text. I've been like trying a lot, and I was like, I'm just gonna like chill and like here you are. So I'm like super stoked and unprepared.
Well, what is it you'd like to talk about?
Well, there's a few things I could talk about. The thing that I thought would be like most therapy get go esque is I have. So Actually, tonight's like the perfect night. My dad was over tonight and he so, to make it short, he spent ten years in jail and got out about five years ago when I first graduated high school, and he went to jail for I guess you could like say attempted murder of my I
call her my half mom. She's basically my half brother's mom, who is also oddly enough best friends with my mom. Now it's a super weird, interesting relationship. But yeah, so he tried to kill her, and he got out of jail about five years ago, and I just now started to like build a relationship with him. But there's like a little bit of a hang up because he he apparently was in a gang called the Aryan Brotherhood, and he swears it was just for like survival in jail,
but he still has like swastika tattoos. And I don't know if you know anything about Aryan Brotherhood, but they're kind of like a racist based gang from what I understand. And we're trying to navigate if we want that I just had a baby three months ago, and we're trying to navigate if it's like a good idea to have him around, if there's potential for him to still be
that way. But he doesn't really act that way. But then sometimes he says things that are like like the other day, he said something like about these people that he knew and they were people's color, and he was like, yeah, like they're black, but they're super nice though, and me and my husband both kind of were like, oh, like I don't know if that was That kind of indicates a little bit of like why would you think that they wouldn't be nice? So, yeah, I want to know what you think about that.
Hmm, well what do I think about that? So your dad, I guess from the beginning, So your dad fifteen years ago tried to kill your who you call your half mom?
Yes? Uh?
Do you call her your half mom? Because like I assume you have a biological mom?
That.
I mean, that's a a dumb thing to assume, because I guess everybody does. Do you have contact with your biological mom? I do? Yes? Okay, So this woman is like your dad's like ex girlfriend who like you're still cool with?
Yes? Yes?
And why did your dad try to kill her?
So he was definitely on drugs and apparently there was like a bad night where she may have had some other men around and he like kind of lost it. I don't know. It's kind of like the way I kind of look at it with them is like they both of them are known to lie. So I'll never actually know the full truth of what happened, but from
what I can kind of gather from both sides. There was definitely some sort of disagreement or jealousy, and drugs fueled a lot of it, and one thing led to another And yeah.
Okay, And so throughout the ten years that your dad was in jail, you were still cool with your half mom? Yes, yes, and once he once your dad got out, was are him and your half mom cool or is she kind of like, hey, you kinds tried to kill me?
Yeah, okay, So this is like a whole other layer to it. But she is African American and so him joining the Arian brotherhood, he has a son with her who's my half brother. And yeah, and so that's like a big hang up too, because now he doesn't he is so proud to be like my dad. But this this brother is a minor, so there is that. So there is a restraining order. So it's hard for him
to even have a relationship with him. But sometimes I wonder if he actually wants him in his life or if he's just saying that to get my approval, because when I push, like.
Proving the brother whose brother is this?
He's my brother and he's my dad's son and the half mom's son as.
Well, oh, okay, all right. So he's your half brother, yes, okay, and I assume that being in the Aryan brotherhood has given your half mom.
The ick, you know, I think that's safe to assume.
Okay, So your half brother has a restraining order against your.
Dad, my half mom, and because he's a minor, I think it like kind of umbrellas over him as well.
Okay, so your half mom has a restraining order against your dad, which also applies to your half brother because he's a minor. Correct, all right, So that restraining order answers the question of whether or not your dad and your half mom are cool now, yes, yes, okay, but you and her are still cool.
We were cool for a very long time, but around the time that I moved out when I was eighteen, we became uncool because it's like a whole nother story. My mom is like kind of a narcissist, and so they're like bfs my half mom with my mom. And so when I was fighting with my mom and I got kicked out, the half mom showed up to the place I was staying with a gun, and like, it's a whole thing. So we're not cool now. But my brother and I are tight. I love him, he's great.
So you wait, so your mom, your biological mom is now cool. She's not even cool. Your biological mom is BFFs with your half mom, who her ex husband tried to kill. Yes, so I assume that your biological mom also hates your dad. Yes, that's pretty crazy. And when you say your brother, your friend, and your half brother, and so you and your sixteen year old brother are very.
Cool, yes, yes we are.
Okay, So five years ago your dad got out of jail, and then when did he try to come back into your life?
Honestly, like the same month I think that he got out of jail, and I had a lot of pent up emotions about it, so I didn't really interact with him much. And then I basically told him one day, like for me to trust even trying to trust him, we're gonna have to wait, like I need to see him be good for a couple of years and be consistent before he can come into my life.
Okay, And have you has has the behavior that you've seen over the past five years been up to like what you desired?
Honestly for the most part. Yet it's like super surprising because somehow my mom, who was in my life my whole life, is having more trouble building a relationship with me than my dad, who was pretty much absent my whole life. But then there's that part where it's like he has swaps the ka tattoos and he was a part of this racist gang and doesn't fully acknowledge my brother and says these comments that might seem a little racist, and we're like.
What, being in the brotherhood is a whole thing. It is a whole It is a thing. It is definitely a thing, Like.
It is not to be taken lightly, Like I do not want to be a racist person apologist or like try to be like cool with that at all, Like that is not okay with me, especially if he's not going to acknowledge my half brother.
Has he tried to have a relationship with your half brother in the same way that he's tried to have a relationship with you.
Because of the restraining order, it makes it really hard, but he has expressed it when I bring it up. But I wonder how genuine he is about that, or if he's kind of using the restraining order as like his excuse not to be around.
Oh, like he can have his cake and eat it too by pretending he wants a relationship, but he also can't because of their restraining order.
Exactly.
Well, I have your brother. Is he your brother? Sixteen? You said he's a minor. Yep, all right, so I guess in a couple of years if he wants to, he can reach out. Mm hmm. How old are you?
I am twenty five?
Okay, And so you just hung out with your dad today. So how long have you and your dad been hanging out.
I just had my baby three months ago and I want to stay around two and a half months. And so well we're like close to court. He's come over with maybe the last like months and a half.
Ish, so it's so it's been kind of fresh that you've been so okay. So he when he first got out of jail, you were like, give me a few years so that I can see that you're, you know, not crazy. And you gave him a few years. You were like, all right, maybe you're not crazy. And he's been coming over for the past two months and things have been chilled.
Uh huh, exactly.
Okay, So look, I mean, do you do you want to have a relationship with him.
I think it's nor for any kid to want to have a relationship with their parents. But I also know that, like, I'm not going to tolerate racist behavior.
Have you asked him why he doesn't get the tattoos removed.
It's something that's been kind of nervous to approach. But we've been Me and my husband have been talking about it more and we're thinking about jumping on the opportunity to do that soon.
I think that's fair. I think I think if you set the thing of hey, listen, you can be in my life and uh, you can be a grandfather to my kid, but you got to quit the Aryan brotherhood.
I think that, you know, when you put it like that, it really is reasonable, isn't it.
I think that's a solid pitch.
I think you're right.
I think I don't know. I don't know what's so great about the area and brother. I don't know if they give him health insurance or kind of what's going on over there. But yeah, you know, I think that's.
A fair pitch, you know, And I think if he gives me any pushback, I might just genuinely ask, like, what benefits are there to be in a racist group.
Hey, they have dental Well, how old is a baby?
She is three and a half months, She's fifteen weeks.
Oh cool, how's being a mom?
Honestly, it's something I always knew I wanted to do, like even better than I thought. Hm, it comes with the challenges.
But yeah, what's your husband think about all this stuff? I'm curious.
I think that I am one of the luckiest people in the world, and I have the best husband in the world, and he just supports whatever I want and he just cares about my dad being as good of a person as he can be.
That's cool. Yeah, well, let me know what he says. If i'm I'm I've started to I we did. I did a follow up call for the first time a few podcasts ago, and I'm gonna I'm gonna open up the invitation for follow up calls. If if a person call, if a person has a genuine update, if you, if you if you talk to your dad, uh, let me know if he if he uh chooses you or the area and brotherhood, I will.
I would be happy to let you know.
Is there anything else you I say to the people of the computer before we.
Go, I would like to say that, Josh, if you're listening, I love you so much, and you're the best husband in the world, and you're the best father in the world. And as a young Shakespeare would say, buck bitches get money.
I guess he did he say that.
I think he did. I think it's somewhere in.
Thanks for calling, man, have a good rest of your life.
Thank you for calling.
Bye bye, Damn. I forgot her name at the end, so I call her man. I just gotta be honest, that's what happens, and that I got kind of awkward, and I told her to have a good life. I gotta get better at talking to people if I'm gonna do it for a living in a podcast. Attention listeners
of the Therapy Gecko podcast. Do you know that I do a live version of this podcast on stage in person, in front of real people, And that I'm doing this live show in several cities across the United States this year, And that tickets are available right now at therapy geckotour dot com or at the link in the episode description. It is all true. I'm currently on my third tour doing Therapy Gecko live all around the country and it is the most fun sick amazing thing ever, and you
should come out and be a part of it. The shows involve a mix of material and presentations from myself combined with a group Gecko therapy session where members of the audience come on stage to share things from their lives in front of a big group of people, just like we do here on the podcast. Whether you're a fan of the podcast or you have no idea what this is and you clicked on it by accident, you're gonna have a great time at the live show once again.
Tickets are available right now at therapy geckotour dot com or at the link in the episode description. These are really fun shows. They're always wild, they're always unpredictable, and I hope to see you guys there. Hello, Hey man, what's your name? Tyler? Tyler? You just you sent me a text and you just wrote in all caps crazymethhead dot dot dot but gave her a chance? What does that mean?
Yeah, so basically my ex at this point. So I met her back in October, and at first, you know, I was just like, I don't know if this is the girl I want to be with, blah blah blah. But then you know, we had fun and it was really nice and it was really cool. And but then like we went to this hotel because she and me up like we was like sleeping the We're laying down in bed and stuff. And she was like, well, do you know I have a three with my friend. And I was like, I mean, I'm just a man geck go.
So I was like, fuck it, I'm down, you know what I mean. And yeah, She's like, we can go to this hotel. My friend's really cool. And at the time I wasn't I'm gonna get set up. But thet she showed her friend and I was like, okay, you know what, we didn't take the risks. We don't roll the dice, you know. So we ended up I ended up going and yeah, so I was waiting, She's getting a friend into it all that, like talking with her. I was there living waiting, but it is like finding more.
By this time, I'm tired as fuck. So I end up just waiting there and I said like, do you have any like maybe red bull or some cocaine, you know, and she said like yeah, I'll figure it out. I'll help you. And I'm asleep. I'm on the couch like a sleep. She wakes me up and she has this like paper in front of me, and I'm like, what
is this? I did ask what is this because I was barely looking up, so I was out of it, and I was assuming coke, you know, because you know someone's offering you something, I would assume that, right, But now I you know, I hit it and I like a do line, you know, and it hurt really bad. And I've done coke a couple of times, so I was like, this is some strong coat and she's like, no, it's mess and yeah, I was like, what do you
read it's fucking man. And I was really upset, but you know, I like it hit and I was like, you know, I gotta see you through. Get the job DoD. But afterwards I was really like distraught, you know. So I was like, this is the girl I was thinking about, like be with. But then I figured out she does mess and I was like damn. And then she kind of drugged.
Me and I was like wow, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Okay, Yeah, so it's five o'clock in the morning and this woman puts some paper some powder in front of you. You say paper or powder?
It was a paper with powder on it.
Okay, did you ask her what it was?
No?
Because I was barely kind of sleep and I was assuming coke because I told her coke and red Bull, and I wouldn't be was red bull.
So okay, I don't know if that's okay.
All right, Well at this time, I did know her for three weeks.
So okay, all right, So you took the meth and then did you? I guess what happened after that?
It kind of like changed her perspective on a relationship with her, because I was like, Wow, this girl seemed really cool, and she said she was bipolar. But I was like, like after the fact, like, okay, she said she's bipolar, and I was like just thinking bad. And I've never really hung around like people that have done that, so I didn't really know how to be. I just thought she was about public a little crazy, you know,
a little crazy and that bad. And yeah, no, after that, I kind of started talking to her for a couple of weeks and then kind of fell back into it. She said she got clean, but I don't know if don't believe her, you know, because she's still be a little crazy and I'm like she says, she got clean for me, But it's like, you'd be doing this stuff for six years and then all of a sudden, you got clean for me. Kind of doesn't seem very possible, you know, And I gave her a chance. We started talking,
started dating. I told her, you know, let me joy testing you, check you on you here and there, like I'm here to support you.
Okay, Well, so you're you're drug testing her.
Well anymore? I mean, because I'm kind of like she still blows my phone up like thirty times a day. But you know, I kind of like tried to distance a little bit because I was drug testing her, but then like she didn't want to do it anymore. That was kind of like why is that? Because are you doing it? And she said nah?
So I was like, okay, but dude, what hold on week? Okay? All right? First of all, how old are you? Man?
Twenty three?
Okay? What what's your deal?
Man?
What's what's going on with you? Are you still? Are you doing drugs?
No?
No, no, no, I actually just graduated last week for in psychology. I'm not really into drugs like that, you know, just party casual. That's how I knew that wasn't coke, you know, because.
Wait, are you still doing coke?
No?
I don't do coke. I mean it's just like here and there at a party. You know it's going good like college parties.
Yeah, you don't do coke. Just sometimes do coke. I partake, you know, partaking is doing well, there's sometimes do Look it's I also I'll do cocaine maybe once a year. Yeah, like it's fine, but you know, yeah, all right, okay, all right.
So I would say three to four times every twelve months, So yeah a year, three or four times maybe, Okay, if I'm feeling maybe six.
What are do you still talk to this woman?
Yeah? I mean okay, so my mom she's very involved on my relationships, and she told me I should cut her off. And I tried. I tried every way to like push her away without me seeming like the bad guy. But it wasn't really like I've tried like every way, because she's tried every manipulation mess that there is under the sun, like you know, like, oh, I'm with that.
I'm gonna get myself if you leave all this blah blah blah, all these different things, and I'm just like I try things like back, like try to be a slob. You know, you some fried chicken, you know, like look at and stuff like just try to like take her.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry you said you said you've tried to get fat so that this woman will leave you alone. Yeah.
Like it's like the slob method in a way. It's like, okay, so if you're.
Are you are you all right? All this is stuff? Are you fucking with me right now? What what is this?
No? I'm being one hundred percent honest. I mean, okay, I know it sounds crazy, like Okay, it's because my friend told me about like the slobs. He said, you know, if you really want to.
Hold out, okay, I don't look, man, huh, forget about your friend and forget about your mom. What do you want to do?
Man, that's a hard question because I do like her as a person, but I just want her to get better. And it's like I don't know how to make her get better, and.
You can't do there is there is that doesn't exist. There is no how to make her get better.
Yeah, that's what that's what's hard for me. Sact I guess because it's like I don't know if it's because like the graduated psychology, Like I want to help her, but it's like it's really difficult because I do want to like cut her off, but it's like I just, you know, like part of them, and I don't.
Your friend is a fucking idiot. He told you to get fat so that she'll leave you alone. That's actually funny. No, your friend's actually not. Your friend's a genius because he was just fucking with you.
Well, yeah, I took.
I took.
That's a good line. So like you know what I look like like, I'm just like sure liss, like you can turn her like all like just unattractive in general, maybe she'd be like, Okay, on to the next, you know, instead of like being hung up on me, even though if I don't believe that, I don't know, because.
Dude, I don't know how you don't. I don't. Okay, in case your mom or your friend hasn't told you this, you don't have to talk to anyone you don't want to talk to.
Yeah, I guess a part of me just feels a little guilty. It's like I kind of like came into her life, you know, promised one thing, and then she's like trying to get it back. And I mean she did do a lot of things.
What did you what did you? What did you? What did you promise?
Uh, I'd be like this is a normal stuff, like I'd be there for you forever all that, Like yeah, like I'm gonna be there for you. I'm gonna help you through everything, like I got you, I'm gonna take care of you, stuff like that.
Okay, how old is this girl?
Twenty five?
Okay, jeez man, I don't know. Well, you can't fix this person. You can't fit you can't make a person stop doing drugs.
Yeah, that part of me what I told her, like the last time we talked, because she was still blowing my phone in here. And now I'll text her like I helpe you doing well? You know, I won't answer, like I very like sparsely answer her. But I told her like, you know, you go to rehab, you got your stuff, you know, hit me up. But like, I don't know, it's just like kind of like a lot of work.
I think it was. Look, I think it was a mistake to promise this girl that you would fix her. But even though you made that mistake, that doesn't require you to like you're not You're not like obligated to this girl to like help her through her drug addition. That's her cross to bear.
Yeah, I would. It's just like I don't know. It's like I feel like a part of me, like she knows that I have a lot of she kind of plays on that sometimes and like it's happened in the past, and I mean like part of me is like I just wonder if she really like cares or she just wants like the free like money free like rant all that.
You know, So are you are you bankrolling her? Well, what we were together, I was, Okay, are you still giving her money?
No? No, no, because now she wouldn't do a drug test, so I didn't know what she was using money for.
So it's like, man, dude, I'm just you know what I've been I've been neglecting going on advice rants. But I'm gonna go on an advice RNT. Can I do that? Can I go on an advice rant?
To you?
Okay, what's your name again?
Tyler?
Tyler? You're twenty three years old? Actually, before I do this, what do you okay? Now I remember? Now tell you're
twenty three years old? You just graduated from college. Fuck you, dude, Like, I know that you feel for this woman whose life is going through a hard time, but at this stage in your life, like dude, you got to put your energy into like building up your own life and yourself as a person, and you can't abandon all of that to go like help this person who I from what I understand, you weren't in that much of that strong
of a relationship with for that long. I don't, I don't think, But like, dude, yeah, this woman you've known for a couple of months, like you know, God bless her. I hope that she figures out what's going on with her and that she turns things around. But that's her responsibility, not yours. Your responsibility is to go make the best of your own life at this very critical time in your life, and you should be doing that instead of devising sitcom asque plots to get really fat so that
she won't talk to you anymore. Yeah.
I mean that, mas sense. I mean I've heard that here and there, and it's it means all the same, you know.
That's why I.
Think too, It's just like, man, she's the guilt Ship's crazy. I think I should probably a blocker, but it's like see me up like two days ago, like her dog died and like that was her favorite dog, and like pretty sure, darkus, you didn't take care of it.
Dude. You can't. Dude, you can't. Dude, you can't. Please, dude, please you can't.
Yeah, yeah, I know. It's just it's a hard bandy to pull off sometimes, you know, but makes sense, makes sense.
It's a good thing to learn how to set these boundaries early because I and I get it. I get it's hard, dude, but you gotta you gotta learn not to fall for the guilt tripping and like reserve your own sanity.
Yeah, and part of me like you only have you only.
You have a finite amount of like time, energy and fucking like sanity, you know, and you gotta it's okay to be sparing with it.
Yeah, and that's why, Yeah, that's why I need to do more of because like, yeah, I like trying to figure her out was just driving me insane.
So it was like, funny, let this person drive you insane. You can still have it, by the way, By the way, that doesn't mean you're not empathetic. You can still have empathy. For this person, you can still hope that they get better. But also importantnes is to understand that that's not your responsibility.
Yeah.
No, it makes a lot of sense. Thank you.
What have you been eating to try to get really fat? Like you said, fried chicken?
Yeah, honestly, like it's just been a bunch of like, yeah, like fried chicken, a little bit of mask in her because I know she's like into like the skinnier cut more guys, and like I needed to boat either way. So I was like fucking dirty boat, you know, And I just fucking eat some food and shit, and I was like, you know what, like let me get dirty boat so I could cut back down because I I'd be all much in this journey. So I know I'm good. But it's like maybe, thank you.
Thank you for teaching me the phrase dirty bulk. I'm gonna use that next time I go on a seven to eleven run and get a fucking one of those cheeseburger hot dogs. You know what I'm talking about. They take cheeseburger meat and put it on the hot dog roller and it's like a cheeseburger dog. I'm gonna get one of those and call it a dirty bulk.
You know what you need to do with like a bag of Dokeys or back of like hot cheetos, and then you go to the nacho cheese like that little nacho cheese put the cheese on the cheetos or on whatever.
Yeah.
Wow, this woman really did ruin your life if you're doing that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean she paused it, you know, a little pause about it. But yep, that's the back. That's the back.
What's your name again, Tyler? Tyler? Tyler? Good luck, man, don't stay stay strong out there? All right? Is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
No, that's it, Thank you very much.
Take care man, you too. Oh shit, that actually sounds like a good idea taking No, I mean not a not a not a good idea in that sense, but like, dude, what if you took a bag of the ritos and you went over to the seventh of the nacho cheese dispenser and you put it on there and you shook it up? All right? Sorry?
Hello, hey, Lile, what's going on? Man?
What's your name? Sir? Luke? Luke Luke? You texted me and said, hey, Lyle, I haven't left my house or spoken to anyone in person for a month, and so it would be cool to chat. Is that true?
I'm exaggerating a little bit. I mean I go downstairs to grab Amazon packages and grocery delivery, and I'll see a neighbor and say hi. But you know, I haven't really talked to anyone in a in a while. I guess.
Yeah, I was gonna ask how you like get food and shit?
Yeah, you know Insta cart I got. I got a bunch of chicken today.
Do you work from home?
Yeah? Yeah, so thankfully I can. I can kind of do that.
You know.
It's it's one of those things I just have a lot of I wouldn't really I don't know if you would call it like a glorophobia, but you know, like growing up, I got bullied a lot, and then I ended up joining the military, and that really like gave me a sense of confidence and belonging. And after I got out of the military, I went back home kind of felt like I rest back into that like scared kid.
You know, M.
Can ask, old you are.
I'm twenty six, now.
Nice, how long have you been out of the military.
It's been four years now, so I joined right after high school. In my four years, got out, started going to college, and yeah, and you know, like growing up, I was I was a chunky kid. I was fat, and then you know, joining the military, got in shape, started feeling good, knew what it was like to be in shape and have a life, I guess. And then I got out of the military, I got pretty depressed,
gained a lot of weight. It was during COVID too, you know, so I'm sure a lot of other people had a similar experience where they probably kind of pulled up at home and gained a ton of weight.
And so your this this pattern of not leaving the house or talking to anybody, has it been like a pattern, like I guess, I guess you've hit a streak. You've been on a streak for this one particular month, but it's just been like an overarching pattern since you got out of the military four years ago.
Yeah, you know, I yeah, it's it's it's kind of like I said before, you know, like I feel like I kind of regressed into that, like into that kid I was back in high school and well, you know, I was in the Marine Corps specifically, and when you're in the Marine Corps. If you're if you're fat, you get like absolutely ostracized, like like you're not a person
if you're fat and you're in the Marine Corps. And I feel like I like a lot of the stuff I learned in the Marine Corps, A lot of the like when you when you join an organization in your formative years and they kind of indoctrinate you to their way of thinking. No matter how much time passes by, some of that is going to stick with you a little bit. So even though it's been like a few years and I'm feeling a lot better, like I guess about how do I put it, It's some of it
just kind of sticks with you, you know. So like right now, I've I've lost a ton of weight, but I don't feel like I'm back where I should be yet. So I kind of feel like I don't want to show myself in public because I'm ashamed of who.
I am right now.
How long have you felt like you were ashamed of who you are?
Kind of been like that, like ever since I got out of the military, you know, just all the way I gained during COVID, I guess I kind of like spiraled and just gained a ton of weight, and you know, it's just it's been it for a few years. I was just kind of in a hole and really been digging myself out in the last year.
But it's.
Yeah, I don't know, can can you relate to that? Have you ever kind of felt like you just don't want anyone to see you your presence bothers people.
I've absolutely felt like disgusted with my body and like I was, I was, uh, you know, I definitely you know what it feels like to be like, ah, I feel like I'm too fat to exist as a parson.
Yeah.
I'm interested in this because you uh had a period of time where you felt confident where you were around other people, where you were fit, and then regressed, as you said, And I'm kind of wondering. I'm like, well, what can you do to get yourself back in into that that that feeling? And I'm thinking, like practically, like you know, I mean, shit, is it is it lame to say pilates do a little fitness class. Is that lame?
Yeah? You know, Uh, I don't think so, But I don't know, that's that's one of those things that's not really for me, you know, before I a few months ago, I was doing muay Thai classes and that was pretty great. But I recently moved and I had a roommate, but he had to he had to go back home for a while, so that's why I've been alone. So I felt like coming out here would kind of be like that new fresh start for me. But now that he's gone and I'm just alone, I kind of just feel
like I'm back at square one. And you know, this past month, I actually just found your stream and your YouTube channel and I've just been binging everything and it's it's really cool to see the effect that you have on people. And I really didn't expect that you had reach out to me.
But well, cool, well, I mean fuck man, Like, okay, well, let's let me ask you this. This this life that you've been living, that's let's call it a gooraphobia light. Are you enjoying it or are you like, fuck this shit? I want to get out of there.
Yeah. I mean I have like an introverted personality, you know, So I mean I kind of like it. But at the same time, being twenty six, I think you said you're twenty seven, right, twenty six, twenty six Okay, so yeah, we're the same age, So maybe you can relate to kind of that feeling of, you know, when you kind of feel like your life is just flighting by, and like you said, like you're the only you is the present you, and you can kind of feel yourself just
slipping by and wasting away. So there's kind of like that conflict where like if you're an introvert, you like being inside, but at the same time, you know that kind of gotta do what's good for you. Like I saw a meme on Twitter today it was like it's like that soy jacket. He's like, Jesus, why are you? Jesus is with one of your hardest battles and it's Jesus on the other side and he's like, literally just go outside that.
Okay, So that's what I was. That's what I was gonna say, is well, all right, So I mean I guess to relate in this sense, like I have this thing I'm a little bit the opposite where like I fucking can't sit still and I have to do something I have to do. I have to leave my house every single day or else I'll go insane. And actually
sometimes that manifests negatively. Like today, my version of leaving my house or else I go insane is like I took a walk to McDonald's, you know, like that that's a lot of my Like it's not cool, Like I'm not going to fucking parties all the time. I'm usually just like I need to leave my house. I'm going to the drive through of Jack in the Box to like just eat in my car like shit like that. And so, dude, I don't know, I wish I had
like a better secret than just go outside. I mean, you were talking about doing muay Thai classes just now, and I'm like that that sounds cool, man, Like, why why not more of that? You know what what made you quit doing that?
Oh?
It was just because I you know, I moved from the East Coast to more like Midwest so to live with my friend and he's currently not here. So so dude, like, I guess I could pick up more thaigh classes here.
But well, so that's the thing, right, And I know it's never as easy as just doing it, But okay, you saw that meme it said literally just go outside, and I'm sitting here thinking, well, literally just go outside. So what's between you and literally just going outside.
Yeah, I mean, it's it's true. It's true. It's it's just one of those things, you know, where it's just that mental block, like it can ask you like why don't why don't you lose weight?
Right?
Why do you keep why do you keep regressing yourself? And it's kind of one of those things where it's just that that mental block, you know, it's kind of like kind of like an awful like the opposite of a superpower. It's just kind of holding you back.
Mm hmm. Well, it's interesting because you know you have it in you, because you just did the Multi class and you were in the military doing your thing, and you know you've known that a version of yourself in the past was able to go outside, but you have a mental block from doing it right now. And I don't know. I wish I was an expert in getting over the mental block. I really do. It's I've actually
been speaking of memes. I have been seeing a lot of like shit on like TikTok where it's people going like I've been seeing a lot of memes where it's like somebody's talking to somebody and it's like, you know, I feel depressed and I have this so and so mental health issue, and the other person is like, just go outside, man, And then the person's like, oh, great things. I didn't think about it like that. And I see that,
and I'm like, I get it. But also at the same time, I am a fucking little part of me is like, well, just go outside. You know. I don't know, I don't I don't know. I wish I knew. I wish I wish I had better insight than uh, just go outside, you know.
Yeah, you're right. I mean, I know my like situation is like it's pretty simple and minor compared to other people, I guess, But well, well.
Dude, it's not about it's not about comparing yourself to other people. I think that's actively detrimental. It's more about like, what do you want out of life?
You know?
I mean, if you were telling me that you're I mean, you're telling me that you you sound like you want to go outside.
Yeah, I mean, it's one of those things. I'm like, I just realize I keep saying that over and over again.
Go ahead and keep going uh.
Yeah, it's you know, I'm not like I just say I'm a little awkward. But it's it's just that feeling of like if I go outside, I feel like there's gonna be some sergeant major military figure in a bush that's gonna jump out and be like, hey, you fat piece of shit.
You know.
It's yeah, yeah, it's kind of it's kind of like that feeling. It's I don't know if you would call it trauma, but some of the some of the ways I saw people get treated in the military, it was pretty messed up.
And I can't decide if the military was was a happy time for you or a bad time for you, because you've described it in both ways.
Yeah, it's I think everyone that was in the military can kind of agree it's a little bit of both. I mean, a you know, growing up as a kid that got bullied and I was a fat kid at least having that like four years where I kind of felt pride in duty and I was in shape and I got to feel what it was like to be
at your peak. Just having that experience, even though I regressed, I feel like it gives me like a light at the end of the tunnel, so like, I know, hey, that's what I'm trying to get back to, you know. I mean it's been I saw someone in the chat earlier say, like, take ozem pic like I've been taking it myself.
For You've been taking as it most.
Of a year now. I've lost about so I started my weight loss journey. I guess I really hammered down and said, hey, I'm going to lose weight in November. And I started at around two hundred and eighty pounds. I'm six foot one and I just wait in today about two twenty so I've lost about sixty pounds in November. And I can attribute a lot of it to I mean a lot of it is like your own hard work too, with you still have to diet and exercise, but ozempic just makes the mental part a lot easier,
you know. So if you struggle with that mental part, like maybe you'll get like craving sometimes or sort of like binge eating because you like weed, right, Like I take some edibles sometimes, so I know that feeling of like hitting the monkeys, and ozempic really helps kind of like block that out.
You know.
That's fascinating, that's fascinating. Yeah, I do like weed. I'm starting to try to cut I'm starting to not like it as much, because of the anxiety on the come up and the depression on the cometdown and the monkeys. I'm noticing those things. I used to just ignore those things, and now I'm like, you know what, those are compelling reasons to at minimum do this less. But i mean, congrats, man, that's awesome. Are you going to the gym? Are you lifting shit?
I have been, but I mean for the past month, I've kind of been on a hiatus, and you know, I've been really in like a slump like the last months, just really feeling down. But you know, just talking to you on the phone right now, I just I do feel like you feel a lot better.
Okay, good, good, that's good. I'm happy to hear that talking about it is better because I I really it's I'll have these moments, I'll have them with myself where I'm like, oh, there really is I don't know if there's anything other than just do it, you know, and so I don't know if Yeah. So I mean I'm
glad that talking about it is is is helpful. I think for me, Yeah, it's been tough for me because I well, I have this fucking here's where I'm at is I I was pretty good at the beginning of this year with like counting calories and going to the gym, and then like I've been using touring as an excuse, uh, And actually for a little while I was able to, like I was able to do my calorie counting and working out while I was touring, and very recently and
then maybe like for the past month, I've been not doing any of that shit. I think it helped because at the time I was doing it, I really liked doing it and I was really into it, but I was also depressed, and I there was other shit that I didn't care about, Like the time the time period where I was really into going to the gym and really into counting calories, I only cared about going to the gym and counting calories. I didn't care about like
doing any gecko shit. I didn't care about, like, you know, a lot of other things. And it was good to be going to the gym and eating healthy and everything, but life felt like kind of unbalanced, And now it feels a little bit more balanced, and I'm kind of using this excuse of like, Okay, once things slow down, I'm gonna get back to doing that. But I don't know if things ever do slow down that might be a myth. So uh oh no, but I like the gym, man,
I really do. I really like enjoy like lifting weight, I wrote. I remember I was lifting weights once and I wrote, I took up my phone, I wrote down, I was like, never not do this because I just fucking is is great. I went to the gym with a friend recently and I didn't even I didn't even like make it into like, okay, let me track my shit. We were just fucking around lifting stuff and it was
really fun. So I don't know. It's a tough balance to walk where you kind of have to like, you know, track your whatever and all that stuff to like make it work. But also when you don't, it's kind of fun, you know, Or when you make it too much of a chore, it becomes it's a chore, it's not fun anymore. I don't know. I'm I'm Those watching the video version of this podcast know that I am.
I am.
I am no fitness expert, I am no doctor Huberman.
Yeah, I mean, now that you're bring it up, I can totally relate to what you're saying about how when you're going into like fitness mode, you feel kind of depressed and down for a while, right It's I think that's kind of what happened to me this past months too, because I, like I said, I got instacarted some chicken today and it was just chicken. I got like about twenty pounds of chicken. I'm just like eating nothing but meat right now, just kind of like detoxing my body
of like yeah, kogar and yeah. And it's I think that's part of the reason why I've been like feeling so downs, just because I've been like having that because you know, when you when you need a lot of crap, that kind of becomes your your balance, and then when you go healthy, it feels like it's unbalanced even though it's healthy. So you got to give it like time to work. But I totally go what you mean about it.
It is funny fitness mode, like going fitness mode is always like predicated by being absolutely fucking depressed. Like my fitness mode was I was going on a lot of fucking I was going on a lot of fucking uh uh hinge dates the beginning of this year, and I was like I was I just felt like very unattractive. I was like, I just I think I look like shit,
I'm too fat, I suck. I got to lose weight, and I was kind of depressed and that kind of predicated like it, it was definitely negative self esteem and body issues and ship that I think got me into fitness mode. And then what kept me going into and that that kind of like is a catalyst. And then I think what keeps you in fitness mode is like, oh, this feels good. I like doing this.
I haven't been on dating apps ever since I got out of the military and gain weight and how how are they nowadays? Uh?
Uh, you know, I don't know, man, it's it's it's fine. I think I think well. I mean, look, dude, I think that you should probably get in shape, not because of you want to look good on your dating apps, but do it because it feels good or I mean, I just do it for both. But I don't know, I don't know what I'm talking about.
Anyone that says that they're not doing it for both is a liar.
Yeah, No, I think both. I think both both is the truth. Yeah, what's your name again? Luke?
Luke?
Luke? Well, Luke, listen, man, Uh, this has been a good Uh, this has been a good, fat piece of shit support group meeting. I've enjoyed, uh enjoyed talking about these things. Is there anything else that you want to say to the people of the computer before we go, or say about life or death cheetos?
I guess on behalf of everyone. I just wanted to say, we really appreciate you, man. I mean, like, I know you don't know me, but it feels like I really know you. It feels like you're my friend. And just having this little talk with a friend, it is just something I needed and Reilly really made my day.
Thanks man, Thank good dude. If I really really, I hope this is a catalyst for something. I hope it caught you tomorrow You're like, let's go to moy Ti, let's go to the just do something. I hope. I hope it catalyzes something. That's my hope for this phone call. Whether or not it does, I guess to you, but.
I was about to fall asleep when you called, and now I'm just like I feel like I could run a few miles. Feel great. Thank you, good man, Thank you very much.
Smile good Thank you man. Take care and uh uh good good luck. And I guess I'm sorry, I'm awkward. I was trying to think of something funny to say, but I couldn't.
But good luck, it's all good. Good luck with your touring, Take care, thanks man.
Life is crazy, Food's awesome. That's the problem. I've talked about this so much on the show, and everyone knows that I eat a lot. But uh, that's the problems. Food is just so good and life is so crazy. But the gym is really good too. Maybe it's a balance of everything. I don't know. I'm a gecko. Hello, folks, it's Lyle here. That's the end of this episode. But
get this, I'm releasing a bonus episode this week. That's right, an entire extra hour of the podcast that you can listen to by becoming a premium member of Therapy Gecko over at therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. Supercast subscribers get access to bonus episodes, They get a completely ad free podcast feed of the regular show, they get recordings from my live shows, members only streams, and they help support my ability to continue doing this podcast. So here's
a clip from this week's members only bonus episode. You hooked up with the FedEx guy?
Yeah, I work at a high rise apartment building. I make sure all the residents get their packages and a too nice guy.
I probably shouldn't have done that because I'm going to keep seeing them.
Do you think you're gonna have a recurring relationship with him or was it was a kind of a one and done deal. No?
He seems kind of like a piece of shit, so I think it were done.
Well, you just said he was a nice guy.
Okay, Okay, so howe you know, like, if.
You want to hear this full conversation, you can sign up to become a premium member at Therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com or find the link in the episode description that's therapy Gecko dot supercast dot com. All right, I have nothing else to say.
May goes off the line thanking your phone calls every night.
Ever goes to he's teaching you loud in the