DEEP QUAD

Paul from Alan Alan, Alan, Alan, tell me everything.

Alan.

Oh you know, Alan took a chance.

Alan told me everything he was comfortable with telling me, which is nothing and that's fair.

Goes on the line, taking your phone calls every night every week.

Goes to side.

He was teaching.

You your life.

Nobody's not really an expert.

Paul from Audrey Audrey.

Oh my god, Hi, how are you?

Audrey?

I'm all right, how are you?

Uh?

You know, I'm cool and I'm I'm over here.

I can see that you look real chill. I love the Christmas tree.

Oh, thank you so much, Ozre.

This's so nice of you to say I stole it off the internet myself.

That's a great way to go about it.

What are you up to, dude? You seem like a good perse. Have we ever spoken before?

No, we have not.

How does how does it feel it?

My heart is racing. I've been watching your stream for a bit now. I'm really excited to be on.

Oh fuck, I'm glad when people who've watched for a long time I haven't gotten on. Finally get on, dude.

I'm I'm so excited.

Get into the weeds. I have a question for you. This evening.

Yes, what's the question?

Have you know?

Look, it's Christmas time, right, and that was a good time I think for us to you know, sort of evaluate the self and you know, determine whether or not we have been naughty or nice.

So I have a question for you, Ausia. Have you been naughty and nice this year?

You know I'm boring. I've been really nice. I've accomplished some goals, did some good things. Very happy about it.

Okay, what have you accomplished?

Well? I started my first year of college. It's been eight years since I've been in school, and I'm really happy about that. I was really scared of school for a long time, kind of didn't go to school before, so this is really cool.

Why were you scared of school?

Because I didn't.

Go to school.

I was like technically homeschooled, but I basically just taught myself everything.

So are you.

Eighteen or are you like you just graduated?

I'm twenty I'm twenty six now. Actually I turned twenty six on the twenty six.

I'm twenty four.

Why are we Why are you avoiding? Why are you avoiding going to college?

Because I had never been in a classroom before and very intimidating, and I just didn't feel smart. But now I finally feel smart, So that's really cool.

So you you you so you were homeschooled your entire life?

Yeah?

Was Is there a particular reason why?

Because my parents were very religious and they thought public school was full of demons, confusing, very complicated, And.

I mean, look, that's that's a legitimate reason, by the way, public Look, public school is filled with demons. But dealing with those demons is a necessary part of of your growth. So just because public schools filled with demons, that's a legitimate opinion to have. But not I don't think it's a good thing to avoid. I think dealing with those demons is part of the self development.

But well, I wish I had a I wish I had a chance. I did not get the chance back.

Then, Are you are you religious now? No?

Not not anymore?

Is that okay?

So what I mean, what was going on between eight, you know, eighteen to twenty six?

Why what were you doing? You were were you like working?

I was working. I've been working. I've been working as a nanny for eight years. And I just kind of had to run away from home for a while and figure myself out.

What was like the spark that got you? You know, I mean, after after eight years, you know, what was the thing that sort of got you like, all right, I'm going.

To go to school.

Well, it took me a long time to kind of build up the confidence.

To feel like I could be educated.

I have a lot of confidence that she said, that's a took me a long time. And I think the thing was that I lost my job due to COVID, and I had some money set aside, and I was like, you know what, I think it's time to do something new.

Interesting.

So but okay, and then the COVID was another thing I was going to mention because are you are you going to in person school?

I've no idea what's going on with that?

Yeah, No, it's all online. I'm really really thankful for that.

So thankful for that.

Yeah.

No, I liked it a lot. I'm scared. I'm a little scared of people.

I'm scared of people to be I thought that was the whole thing.

I thought the whole thing was this triumphant moment of you being like, you know what, I'm going to face a few years.

I'm gonna go into the classroom.

And you know that was the plan. That was the plan. I think I was like planning on I was planning on taking a couple of cult classes and was like, yes, I'm ready to be in a classroom, ready to have a teacher. That is going to be a new thing for me. Yeah, COVID happened and then everything is online. But still the educating thing was a big part of it all.

What are what are the main things that you hope to get out of school?

I know this is kind of weird, but I want to learn how to be taught, you know, like I want to learn how to I had to learn so much for myself, like because I had to teach everything to myself growing up, and so it's kind of nice to know that there's I don't know, somebody who has qualifications to teach me, and I'm just I hope I get out of it like a willingness to learn more. And yeah, that's I think that's the main thing.

Who taught Who taught you when you were in homeschool?

Was it like parent myself? My brother didn't know how to read, so they spent a lot of time focusing on him. So I basically had.

Something where like, I have no idea how this works. You know how this works, of course, you know how that worce more than I do. Isn't there a thing where like there's a legal requirement for someone of a license someone to teach you something.

It depends on state to state. I don't know if I should disclose right left, but like, my state has no regulations when it comes to homeschooling. So basically, yeah, so some states, right they don't have homeschoolers can gather. My state homeschoolers can gather. So there was like connections and things for homeschools to tend. But I also didn't have to take any state standardized testing, so some states do have that.

How did you get into college if you didn't have any what did you apply on the basis.

Of I guess, well, I'm going to community college. But I guess you just need to have some money. I actually just found out that my I don't have a diploma. I actually just found that out here.

Can you get into college? Can you get into community college? Diploma?

I mean, I I apparently I did so, I guess I actually I'm going through all these courses. I'm planning to apply to their nursing program. And the reason I found out that my high school transcript doesn't work is because I need an accredited transcript to get into the nursing program. So after all of this college I'm going to go through, I then have to get my GED.

To apply.

Okay, so you don't need a GED to go to community college, but you needed to get into the nursing program.

Yes to doing it kind of backwards.

Yeah, it's real weird.

I didn't know that you can get into communic college without a high school diploma.

I mean, I'm doing it.

That so, like if you could just so if you wanted to, you don't have to fucking go to elementary school.

You can just start back community college.

It might be different in different states because, like, my community college has a specific thing when you apply, it says like did you graduate from public school? GED or homeschool? And you just got to click that option. They're like, I guess that's good.

Okay.

If you tell them they're homeschool, then they're like, all right, you will give you a pass because.

Yeah, I guess. So it's it's real weird. People move to my state just to homeschool their kids because it's so lax.

What what was I gonna say? What? What's your relationship like with your parents?

Now?

Don't talk to him?

Don't talk to him.

No, they're terrible.

Well I was the last time you spoke with him.

Ah, spoke to my mom. I haven't talked to my dad in over two years. My mom I keep in touch with every once in a while, so I talked to her kind of recently. We go, we go up and down.

Is that is that something that you you you grieve about.

Or don't grieve?

Grieve? I've done a lot of grieving about that. I think that's the basically the thing that like cut off me and my parents as I came out as gay and they were like, no, that is satanic, then kicked me out of the house. So that was just a bunch of traumas. But I had to grief. You're right, I had to grieve, and I did. I let myself do that, and I think I'm in a better place now because of it.

Of course.

Well, I mean that's great that you were able to start to form your own life after after you know, your parents weren't able to necessarily give it to you.

Yeah, I got a good chosen family. I have a great girlfriend who have been with for five years. She's been my rock.

For five years.

You say, yeah, five years.

Has she ever met your parents?

A couple of times very briefly. We've known each other since we were twelve, so she's like it was kind of she's kind of met them, but not really.

What what was what was that like?

When?

When when did you come out to your bets?

When I was eighteen, eighteen or nineteen?

What was that? Like?

Awful?

Really bad?

I was.

I had already moved out of their house because some other shit was going on, and was living with a different church family. And when I came out to them, that family then told me if you act, think on or be gay, we will kick you right back out. So I kind of had to go back in the closet and it was an awful, awful time in my life, but I kind of got through it.

No, that's that's so good that you got out of that, you know. Yeah, it's so it's so annoying that like still talking people are like that.

Yeah, but they told me I was going to lead people to hell. There was I was involved in. It was a cult, right, My family was in like a cult, and uh, there was a guy. People would come up to us because they believe they had like gifts of visions and stuff. And he came up to me and he was like after I came out, and he was like, I had a vision that you were going to lead people into a portal to hell. So that really broke my brain from mile.

He had a vision that you were going to lead people into hell.

Yeah, yeah, he like.

It was.

It was a wild vision. It was like people, they were totally fine, and then you were leading them through this portal and they came out all scabby with scars, and they thought that they were okay, but they're actually not because of you. You're leading them to hell. And it was like a like a metaphor for gainess.

Well, that's kind of badass.

Right when you think about it, you turn it around kind of cool.

Yeah yeah, yeah, that's cool. I mean that's kind of like what like, you know, heavy metal and shit is to me, it's like taking this stuff that's supposed to be bad and owning it is like, no, this is actually fucking cool. I'm leading motherfuckers into hell right now. You better fear me.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

What what Okay, So so if you knew you knew was it a community or was it just you? You were like the house down the street that was religious that no one talked to. Was it because I'm curious about your girlfriend. Was your girlfriend from the similar community?

No? No, we uh she was not. She did not grow up religious, thank god, she her parents raised. But yeah, it's weird how we met a girl from my church invited me to one of her sleepovers and I met my future girlfriend there. But she went to school with this other girl. So yeah, my family, we lived out in the boonies. We didn't celebrate Halloween, so you know, like we didn't talk to anybody from the community. But like the cult though, that was the only thing we knew.

Okay, so this was a cult.

My parents were in a cult. Yeah, it's it's a little complicated.

What sort of true I mean this was They weren't just like super really what sort of traditions did they have that you think separated them from just being a fucking crazy church to being like, this is a cult.

Well, there's a couple characteristics of cults, right, Like the cults want you to stop talking to your family members. So my family had cut off all communication from their family. There's like a thing called love bombing, and that's where when you like you do the right thing, they like really praise you. So like my like my parents were into like this very like you know, spiritual kind of like shaking on the floor sort of worships are. I got into that because that's what I was told to do.

But yeah, well, I mean that's a Halloween is a terrifying moment for you know, strictly religious households. Because demon because because look, normally, if you think the demons are going to show up at your door, you're you're crazy.

But on little.

Halloween there might be demons showing up at your door. They yeah, yeah, well what do you what do you what are you trying to be?

Trying to be a nurse? You said you're going to Nison school.

Yeah, go on.

To trying to apply to the nursing program. So if I fail all my biology classes, I'll have to do something else. We're going to try not to do that.

Well, you look, whatever you do, you know you're going to kill it. My friends, what do you say your name was?

Oh my name is Adre.

Well listen, Audrey, thank you, thank you again for calling in, and uh you know, best of luck in school, my dude. Congratulations you escaping the cults.

Thank you, Thank you so much for talking with me. You've really made my night. I appreciate you.

Thank you for calling in. You having to go rest to the night, Audrea, Yeah you too, Good night, Good night.

All from Solo.

Solo Soto.

Yes, what's you know? Are you from somewhere? You say you have an accent of some kind.

Oh, yes, I'm from England.

Oh fuck yeah, man, I heard that there's a coronavirus strain that's muted. It's mutating in England.

And we're gladly I'm not there right now.

Yeah, that's cool. Why what made you leave England?

Well, I originally went to go teach English in Singapore and I met some very cool people. I met my current roommate. Now we live together in New York.

His name is Jusef Nice.

Now you guys met in Singapore, you said, teaching English?

Yes, both of us? Yes, did you do?

You do the whole crazy let's go to the hostels and go see the world and you know, die and all that stuff before we you know, go to see all the world.

No, no, not really. We did take a little bit of the a little bit of a trip over to China as well as Taiwan's nice, but that's oh it's a beautiful place. Yes. We didn't even go to the north where they have the well they have that really big city tai Bay. But were we We went more to the east where there were mountains.

Tell me tell me about the day you met Joseph. Joseph, tell me tell me what your first impression m was Yousef.

He's a very interesting bloke. He came into the school after I did, about four months after I did, and we were we were pretty much the only ones who had very very proficient English, you know, people from that area of the world. Uh, they wanted to go over to Singapore. Most of the must of the world, is it English people and all the Americans. They want to go more towards say, China and all that in Japan, but Singapore was an option more for English people, I guess.

Nice and now you guys have a blossom and American relationship. You guys are a couple of Where's Yusuf from?

I do believe that he's also from England, very different part than me, though I'm from more of the central part of England. He's from the south.

We'll listen, look, now that we've gotten our corson, now that we've gotten to know each other, and now that we've established a rapport in which, you know, I get the sense that you trust me and that you're willing to tell me everything, and that you'd be willing to die for me. And I'm happy that we've progressed this far and to our relationship and now that we have and now that you know we trust each other so deeply. I want to know from you, what is what is your greatest nightmare?

Now, by nightmare, do you do you mean like your living nightmare? You're like, I am on earth, this is my living nightmare, because I would have to say that it is children in a restaurant being very very loud.

So your nightmare is being in a restaurant with a lot of loud children. Yes, would you ever have? Are you planning to have children at some point in your life?

I haven't really thought about it all too much, but I mean mostly you know, you're in a restaurant and you're trying to enjoy yourself rather well, this happens way too much in America, truth to be told. But you're sitting there and there's a family, you know that they have parents with the little kids, okay, and they're just screaming and crying, kicking everywhere. Parents they aren't doing anything to stop it.

It's like, my goodness, if I mean so if you were if you were a h if you had kids, you would you know, whip whip them into shape and ship.

Oh yes, whipping into shape metaphor glue. Of course I would never, I guess, strike them or anything.

That's nice. No, you seem like you seem like you're above that.

Would you Would you ever hit your kids? Life?

But I ever hit my kids. I don't know. Maybe if they were hitting me firste if they had a weapon of some kind. If I had to defend a baseball bat, yeah, if I if I had to defend myself, I absolutely would. You know, whatever holds.

Up very much respected.

Yes, what about your what about your your your your you know, subconscious nightmare?

That sounds very weird because I do have a girlfriend, but I don't want to die alone. And I realized that that is very cliche. But I've had bodies go down the pipe all the time. They have they have blazers of them of their own and it's all been going very well for them or whatever, but then just just lay it down down the line there they they just lose it and then they never have a girlfriend again.

Do you want to settle down?

I think it'd be very nice. Yes, I don't know where exactly I would, just because I do think that I do want to see a little bit more of the world before I do that. However, Yeah, I'm just just get that I won't get to that point with this wonderful woman that I'm saying, She's truly wonderful.

How old are if you don't let me ask you, how old am I? Twenty heaven twenty seven is still pretty young. There's a lot of room for you to go and see shit. But uh, you know, I also I also think it depends on like what kind of

Of you is.

The shows and hey you can also you can always get divorced if you need to.

I guess that's true. However, it's it's kind of a weird option, don't you think, because you go this whole time and you say, all right, I'm going to kick I'm going to commit to you, yeah, and then you just you just cross that, you just cross that in your hand. It's true.

No, you never you never want to, you never want to go into it with that.

But yeah, I think too many people go into it right now with like, oh, yeah I can get married and then if things don't work out, then I can just you know, take the ring back and we can go through all of that fun little courtship. And my goodness, I don't know how you could really put another person through that the except for when it's obviously very very mutual.

But damn, you know, you're I could tell you're you're you're a you're a very wholesome guy. You definitely I could tell you you you do a lot to please other people.

Maybe maybe yes, maybe to a fault.

Do you think so? Do you think it's to a fault?

Yes?

Mh. In what ways do you think it's to a fault?

Mm hmm.

I suppose, if I can put this broadly, that you're you're giving this platter of opportunities correct, like be it romantic, educational, vocational, all of that, and there are other people around you who are also going to be grabbing from it. Ah. I tend to be the more conservative one who doesn't take more than say, two pieces of sushi off of that tree m.

H.

And I just kind of like let everybody else step over me. And I'm a little bit too nice about all of that.

Why do you feel like but so okay? So this is in this, in this sort of analogy. Are you not taking uh more than two pieces of sushi because you're trying to leave some sushi for for other people? You know? Do you do you? What? What is?

I do? Suppose? That is the question?

Uh?

And like why am I not taking more? And a phrase I've learned here, which I think is just absolutely magnificent is chase the bag. I think that is hilarious. I love imagining somebody chase chasing this bag of whatever it is that they're chasing.

You know, to get the paper, to get the paper, you know, get the money. You know, you chase chase after money. There's a there's an expression, there's a there's a there's an expression out there. You know, uh, you want you might you might lose money chasing women, but you won't lose women chasing money.

Oh my goodness. Yeah, that that's one to think about.

What in what other ways do you do you do you think? I want to know? I want like a like a like a.

Oh, yes, I.

Want to I want an example of a time, a time in which you feel like you you sacrifice yourself and your desire, you what you wanted for the sake of someone else.

All right, let's take it back to Singapore. Okay, when I was still teaching there, there was this lady in the school, you know, and of course we we had to fancy each other, and as it naturally happens, and then ah, after about five months of being together, let's just round up to six. But after after about half a year together, she started to get a little bit more more demanding on certain things that she wanted out of the relationship, like moving in together, saving money and stuff,

So so you so you were pressured in the so she pressured you in the first place into moving in with her, but the end then why you were and then eight months into it, you she she broke up with you. Yes, how do you think she was able to pro Why? Why did why was she so adamant about you guys moving in together?

Uh? She she wanted to save money. She was one of the newer teachers there. I was I was already a teacher for two years at that point. Uh so, I guess I was already a little bit more well off, and I did live with people.

My first were you were you were you paying all the rent?

I guess we kind of pro rated it. She took about four hundred of it, and then I took the six hundred. If we're going out of the playoffs an example.

Okay, m I.

Used the US dotter, Yes what you were? U S dollars?

Yes, yeah, he's US os or okay, well and what we call them GHAK bills where I am, but.

Oh, GAK bills, Yeah, in Gakland.

So that was stupid. You know, look, sometimes I want, you know, I I try. I I I don't know how much of what I'm doing is me being a character, and sometimes I add lore to it. But I think that just now, that was that. That wasn't that wasn't rhythmic. That was just felt kind of stupid. But you know what, Look we're going to move past that. Yeah, I said, okay, so she was paying so she So you had a sixty forty agreement, correct? Is this something you want to change about yourself?

Like? Do you you want to feel like you can you want you want to? What? What was it?

What?

How was she able to convince How was she able to convince you to do it?

That truly is the age of question. I don't necessarily know, because that was always something that I said, step fast, step fast on pretty much the entire time when I when I was back home. There was also another there was also another lady who was trying to get me to do something along the same lines there. But I don't know, eventually she just kind of swoons me into it. It was nothing right, It was nothing r rated at or anything. It was just kind of after a certain point.

Of her nothing are raally she didn't she she she wasn't like holding. She wasn't like, hey, if you move in, we'll have sex a bunch.

No, absolutely, you know that that was a very little concern to me.

Okay, you're you're you're You're a pure guy. You're not you're not driven by You're not seem driven by money or lust.

I appreciate it. Actually, money is something I guess that I do love a little bit more than I should if if you're one of those Bible people.

But what what drives you? My friend?

What drives me mostly I will I will live for my friends and I will die for my friends.

Okay, relationships are important to.

You, yes, very much so. And the what is it, I guess romantic side those relationships that those don't necessarily weigh too much on the or anything. It's more so just having a relationship with somebody because people are so different in the so magnificent or every single one of us, that it would just be a wasted opportunity to kind of leave a relationship behind with somebody.

And I don't know, I you know, I actually have a lot. I have a lot of respect for that mentality, I really do. I think that you know, you you you hold look, our relationships with other people on the planet Earth is is definitely something to be held sacred, for sure. But I think it is also you know, and it's it's it's hard because I really do believe that, and you're really doing a you know, a bang up

Yeah, you're right, You're right, and it's something that I actually came to realize in a bit of their silence. There is that just there are definitely people who are going to try to take advantage of you, and I try to put that at the very back of the list for pretty much everybody. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, and I do think that that is where my problem comes in. You know, I kind of let people push me around because I want

How do you feel how what's your relationship like with yourself?

With myself, I would say it's very good. And I started therapy about a couple of months ago because I was going through I was going through some trouble with my with my family. But I guess we don't need to get into that. But after, especially after getting into therapy, I saw a lot of positive things come out of that because my therapist was telling me about how my feelings are still valid in everything. Yeah, and it's not something that people can take from you, you know.

It's people can take from you.

Right that that that's something that I guess I struggled with there for a second because there were manipulating they were manipulativeeople around me. But after after she was there to help me with you know, your your feelings are valid. You're allowed to feel this way. How you react to it is where is where everybody else can either be helped or they are or they're going to get her in some way. Basically, I'm paraphrasing what she said. She was she was spectacular in in delivering that to me.

Mm hmm. You know, I do I do feel like do you do?

You do you feel like before you were I know you said you're dating someone, but you do you feel like you ever had at like a good period of time in your life where you were able to develop a relationship with just yourself and really get into being alone.

Hm hmm. I imagine the only time for that would be during say primary or something primary school.

I feel like that's something that's happening a lot that people are started being forced into now with quarantine.

Oh yes, yes they were also. I guess now that you point that out that there were times where we were just me and yusef. We were here in our apartment and we couldn't go see anybody because the streets are up to abandon in NYC. And I guess I guess that was both a negative time but also a very positive time because I did get that time with myself. Finally, because as you can tell, I'm probably as you can probably tell, I'm a very social guy. I like to put myself out there.

Ye.

But yeah, I'll see what you're saying. And definitely sometime during all this COVID business, I did get some time for introspection.

Fuck should you still there? Damn? I last I can?

Yeah?

Oh sweet, okay, amazing, Sorry, so sorry, I mean I gotta FaceTime, Carl. I couldn't hear what you what you said just now?

Oh, no problem?

Hm.

So you should be pissed at me?

No, No, I shouldn't. It's a it's a very undostendable problem.

No, it is, I know. And so your therapist was was was helpful?

Yes? Absolutely, I would. And I do realize that the therapy in your in your title is perhaps for jest, but yes, true, truly, people seeking therapy should be not necessarily a number one priority, but definitely put it somewhere near the top of your list because it is a very helpful thing.

Beautiful. Well, what would you say? Your name was, uh, Solo.

Well, everybody calls me Solom. My name is Solomon.

Solomon. Well, Solomon, thank thank you again for coming in and sharing your story with this man. Everyone in the chat it's going crazy about you. You should, you know, take some of your take some of your catchphrases and put them on.

On T shirts.

I will try that.

I appreciate you, Solomon. You have a rest of the night.

Man, Yes, you too. It's been a pleasure.

Pleasure is all mine, my friend. Hey guys, this is Lyle here. I stopped recording the intros because I asked for feedback on them and I was told that they are not necessary, which was the greatest thing anyone could ever tell me, because I don't like recording them. So this is a win win. But I am here to tell you that this podcast does not currently have any sponsors. But if you enjoy the show and you want to support and you want to make it easier for me to do this in the future, you can head on

Baby from Bryant brandt.

Uh like Kobe, like Kobe. Yeah, what's your nightmare?

Bryant?

What's my name?

Your nightmare?

Oh, my nightmare. I'm awfully nervous for some reason.

It's just very vital.

I think that that's a good that's a good mind state to be. You know, when you're talking about your nightmares, you know that should make you nervous.

No, you're talking about ghosts and ship you know, ghosts. I don't know.

Don't be nervous talking to me. I'm very weak, all right. There's nothing about me that should pose any amount of a threat to anyone.

I think I have a lot that losing my penis is one of them, I think, really yeah, or just not being able to use it because it's such a good like coping thing.

For me, using your penis. Yes, in in in what way do you cope using your penis?

You know, I would probably say over ninety nine percent masturbation?

M Yeah, so you you you fear losing the the ability to to masturbate?

Yeah, or just like any anything, you know, Like I heard a lot about the anti depressants, and that can be one of them, or any kind of psychiatric medications really affect it. So you know it, there's a lot of difference.

I've heard that. I've heard that.

Yeah, but you know, I mean what you know, look, even if if that went away, let's say that went away, let's say you couldn't do that anymore, what would you what would you fill that time with? Because look, I know from experience, you know, you if it's something when you're when you're really going crazy, when you're really going at it, when you're like, you know, four or five times a day, you know when it's when when the peckers turning red?

You know it.

It's a lot of time. It takes a lot of time to to to ejaculate, and there's a lot of times that you could be spending doing other stuff.

Yeah, I think I think just helping people would probably be That's why I questioned whether or not God is real, because if he got rid of my dick, I'd probably just like put effort into like being a good person, or like becoming a rocket scientist.

Or I don't know.

So you're telling me that if you didn't jack off, you would dedicate your life to helping people and become a rocket scientist.

I'm one of the other.

And look, that's not a bullshit. And look I know you're laughing, but that's not a bullshit. I've had the same exact thought. I've got the same exact thought. I have sat in post ejaculate mind state, thinking that if I did not have balls, I could be I could I could become a scientist of some kind, I could be an astronaut, I could go to space. I do believe that, So it's not a right thought.

My library would become much more extensive, it might be a more enjoyable life. I think about God a lot, and I think about I think about like people who are parallel and how could God allow something like this? And I think about but I didn't. I'm not living their lives. You know, what kind of life are you living? What kind of life does God? What kind of connection does he have with you in those states? I don't know.

Where do you think God's place is in your life?

Well, I know he doesn't want me to just be so be focused on me, you know, because that's that's when the problems starts. I know he doesn't want me to drink, and I know he doesn't want me to be depressed.

Okay, he doesn't want you to make your life all about you. Is that what you That's what you said you want to selfishly?

Yes, self selfishness is the root of all my problems.

It's interesting because I've never I've never really taken a time to think about, you know, masturbation in the light of it being a selfish act. And I don't think it is necessarily but it but but Look, this sounds crazy, but masturbation is inherently It's inherently masturbatory that I don't think about a lot. But I don't know if it's if it's if it's selfish. Do you can do you CONSI do you consider it selfish?

You know? I like it so much that I don't even care what it is because I'm not gonna stop. I'm not going to stop doing it until I can't anymore. I'm getting older, you know, and you know I'm not a spring chicken anymore. So, but it's still I still keep it going, you know.

Mm hmm.

I don't know how to explain it, but yeah.

You're splanning it, splanning it perfectly. Well, dude, but you said you've been, you said you've been struggling to.

With you with your idea of God.

Now, yeah, so you know what.

I've been.

I've been in an AA like in and out for a while, and just recently I got one hundred and twenty eight days sober now. And they kind of tell you in the program is in the morning, you get on your knees and you say the third step prayer, and it's kind of like you ask God and I'm totally not buying any of this, even though I've experienced like just good things start to happen. But you kind of ask God be like, you know, take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I

Is it? You know? Is this some gimmick?

Is it some kind of gimmick that if you just kind of play your life like that. I don't know how to explain.

It a gimmick? What do you mean by gimmick?

Religion? You know? God? You know, it's for the people that need it, you know, the people that can't handle life as is, They need to believe in something bigger.

Say O, I thought I've sort of thought about that, you know, is it? Is it a gimmick?

I mean, I I don't think too long and heart about it because I don't you know, Look, if I'm not involved in a community, I don't, you know, I try not to judge or anything like that, but uh, I can I can see where you're coming from. I mean, look, people like having something to believe in. I mean, does it serve you?

Though? Does it?

Does it?

Does having this belief, you know, serve you?

I'm not believing in shit, I'm doing these stupid prayers. I mean, they're not stupid. It's a real powerful prayer.

Okay, Okay, so it's so it's serving you pray this. You're having these prayers and having these beliefs and having the spiritual side of yourself is providing you with value.

You would say, Or.

It's just circumstance, or it's coincidence, or just the fact that I'm not getting drunk all the time. Things are getting better, you know what is sure.

But I'm talking about but but but what do you mean? What do you mean by its circumstance or it's or it's coit you think it's saying it's it's coincidental that your life is improving at the same time you're doing these prayers. But I'm talking about the act, the act of doing these prayers themselves, you know, forgetting about how they've influenced your life around you. I'm talking about the actual when you sit down to go pray, or stand up, or go to the bathroom or do whatever you do.

You No, it's more just like knocking off something off my checklist.

Okay, So it feels like an obligation, it feels.

Like a requirement.

Okay, you know that's that's I mean, because the people that are telling me what to do, you know, I definitely look up to them and I can really relate to what they've said. So I am putting my trust in what they've done.

So there's people that you look up to that have told you to do to pray, and because you look up to those people, you'll tell them what to do, even if the actual act itself is not something that you're crazy about.

It's it's not not that I'm not crazy about it. It's nothing that it's too difficult. It's just that is do I need to include that to get you know, to have the results that I'm.

Having it that you know, I was asking you if it provides any value?

Right?

So now I'll ask is it detrimental to you in any way, shape or form to do these prayers?

Does it? Does it?

Do it?

Does it do anything negative? You think?

I think, believing in something that that's not real, I don't want to. I mean, I guess what's the worst that could happen? I don't know. I mean religion starts wars. I don't want to be a part of something that is it's going to cause harm either. I'd like to know, and I don't think I can. I mean, if God's real, he's not gonna let me look at this like a scientist and not praise some days and try to figure out this equation.

I don't know.

Maybe he is. I feel like I'm a scientist.

I just I feel like this is now leaning into a territory of superstition. It's like, uh, you know what I'm saying right now, Like, you know, don't you You pray in the same way that someone avoids walking underneath the ladders just because you know they they think it might fuck up whatever their equilibrium is.

I see what you're saying. That that makes sense. I just want to know if God exists, because if he does, man like, I want to be on in you know.

But I don't think. But I don't.

I don't I think for you. I don't think that you're seeking religion in in.

Uh, I don't.

I don't think that the benefit to you is the knowledge. You know, the benefit is not I don't think in in the knowledge or in or in being on the winning team, right. The benefit is in the practice, I think, And if you are not finding the benefit in the practice, then it doesn't serve you that that's that's what That's sort of how I feel about religion in general. You're not aiming to be on the winning team. That's not

Part of this, I feel good practicing this.

I see what you're saying. Yeah, I mean, it's just I don't want to I don't want to go back to hell because that's where I felt like I was, and you know, and if I can become happy, I can help some people along the way, you know.

But I don't think you.

That's what That's the thing is, I think that these these all right, so you as yourself are going to be the one to go out into the world and help people and do these things that you want to do. And the religion can be a tool to sort of fill your vessel, right only if it is beneficial to to you. But you're at the end of the day, you are the one that's going to go out and and you know, be be, be helpful to other people, you know, and you don't you don't need anything to do that.

You have yourself.

You have it, you have currently in your possession everything that you need to do what you want to do. If what you want to do is, you know, go out and and help people. I don't think that you need anything else.

You know, you don't.

You don't need to worry like, oh, if I'm wrong about believing in God, I won't be able to help people. You know, I think that's far fetched, you know, but I hope, I hope I'm understanding you correctly.

You know.

It's the weird thing about my story is is that I've always wanted to help people, you know, I've always I've always wanted to not you know, be depressed and over eat and and and all these things where I can't function. You know, I can hold down a job, but I literally can't function. And I proved time and time again that I'm literally powerless over this ship. So so me, I'm learning that me on my own, I

I got there's something, there's there's nothing wrong, there's nothing wrong with needing help.

And I get that the idea of it is that you you know, submit yourself to a higher power, but your high But I also I am willing to believe that that higher power does not necessarily have to be God in the traditional way that you think about it, like giving yourself up to a higher power. I I think that could just mean like checking yourself into rehab, like you know, going out to see counseling, you know,

I think that's why I like because it definitely defined something greater than yourself. Doesn't have to be any specific god, religion or anything. But it's just, you know, it's just kind of saying that you're not God. You're not responsible for the moon and the stars, are you? Because if you think that, and I've thought that, you know, I thought, that gets so freaking manic. I have I have. I have thought Iowa was God, I was Jesus. You know, the mania of it all, and it's a scary place to be in.

Well, man, have you gotten help? Have you gotten you know, gone to a counselor gone to a real therapist that's not a gecko person?

Before that I have done. I have done lots of counseling before. I haven't had much help in the therapy ask that. But like I said, this, this one trick of the book, this this getting on my knees thing, seems to be the thing that really works for me.

And again, like I said, I feel, like I said, if it's working for you, it's working for you, you know, and if the act of doing it is working for you, that's it. You don't have to I think that's it, right. I don't think you have to worry about whether or not it's real because the act of doing it is working for you.

Oh but my human nature wants to overthink it though, and it's always going to I always got to question these things. Man.

Sure, there's nothing wrong with that, But I that that's kind of what I would say. I think, you know, the act of doing it is working for you, and you know you can.

I think you can. I think you can.

Question it in a more philosophical sense on top of that, But I wouldn't fuck it. But I wouldn't like replace the fact that it's working for you with wondering if it's real. I have to make sense because I I I think you should take comfort in the fact that it's working for you. It's like, Okay, this is working for me, But I also have my own healthy doubts about whether or not, you know, God.

Exists, right, Yeah, it's still a work in progress.

You know.

Yeah, And it's a day at a time, that's all. I know. I can't explain it. It is you can't explain it until you actually see the difference. And it's and I just I just don't know how to explain it, you know.

I Yeah, what would you say? Your name was man.

Uh, Bryant, well listen, Brian, Uh you know, thank you for calling in man, and uh you know.

Best of luck to you all right. Yeah, uh, don't drive yourself crazy.

Yeah that's a stretch, but I'm sorry.

You take care of man. You have a good rest of the night.

Yeah.

Look he'll be too, baby boy, love be too. What is love all from?

B B?

Holy fuck?

Oh my god, I know it's crazy. It's crazy, dude. What's everything?

I'm gonna I'm gonna discorded call with my friends right now. Hold on the easy.

Oh you want to go a call with your friends? Yeah?

And they got they got banned from the chat. I'm pretty sure.

What the what the fuck did they do? Why did they get banned from the chat?

I think they said, uh, come too many times.

They got banned.

They got timed out, they got timed out, and I think I think Ronan got timed out and DomU got banned, so they I don't know too many to count, I guess, But you know what, it was fine. We were laughing, we were having a good time.

You haven't gotten banned from chat yet, have you? No?

I haven't.

I'm nice.

They're naughty, Okay, tell me so I was you know I was going to ask you. You say, Ronan is your name?

Right?

Yeah?

Hey, geg, what's up?

Tell me everything?

Do you think you were nice or naughty?

Was here?

I'm not a great judge of character myself, you know. Look, I know that I try not to do. I try not to make a lot of judgments because uh, only only uh only a select few people can judge me. And I don't consider myself to be I don't consider that to be uh myself to be on that list nice. I mean, what does that even mean? What's your definition of naughty?

Mm hmm?

Maybe you know what I I really don't have a good answer to that. And right now I feel so hypocritical because most of the people who would call in and not also not know the answer. I'd be bitching at them right now. I'd be on the discord call with my friends and say you should kick these people.

M all right, So tell me about this discord call with your friends? And I want, I want what is this your first night watching the stream?

Oh?

No, I I try to call in every single like every every other.

Night, I'm and you've never gotten in before.

No, this is the first time, and you know what, every time, I always like prepare with like some funny story or something. I always prepare like for you to pick up. But this is the one time I didn't.

Yep, you didn't prepare. Now you don't. You don't got shipped you?

Nope, I didn't.

I'll look. I normally i'd stick to a thing. But I'm sorry. Are we going to say?

No, I don't have any naughty stories. That's the problems. I mean, Like last night, I uh actually stepped on a great like a like a recently buried grave.

What were you doing hanging out by a recently buried grave?

Me and my friends went to a cemetery last night.

You and your friends are fucking weird.

Dude.

I'm not gonna lie. I know I said it on a judge, but.

No, honestly, I think I think that just made my twenty twenty Like that was that was it? That was my highlights.

No, I'm just kidding. I don't know you and your friends.

I hope that they tell tell you tell your friends to send it on banned request and if I'm feeling gracious, ill unbanned depends. I have a number. I have a number in my head of acceptable amount of time suspam come in the chat and if they're under that, well I'll let them back.

In, Okay, I will.

I'm curious though. I'm curious though, I want to know what you say your name was? I forgot your name? B B what so you and so you said that? If you said that, A lot of times people get in here and you bitch at them in the discord.

Yeah, because do you and your.

Friends in the discord, like, do you like listen to the calls and like bitch about the callers?

Yeah? Yeah, because now I they picked me too much, I say, picked me?

Okay, yeah, yeah, I'll get your band from check.

I don't like anybody that gets in the call that isn't me. That's that's the problem.

Really, you don't like any You don't like anyone that gets in except for you.

Yeah, So then I find something to complain about, and then we just have a conversation about why we don't like the caller.

Who, uh, who have you been complaining about recently?

Like everybody that's joined the call so far in the stream of the hick guy and then the last guy. I almost fell asleep. I was so fucking bored. I needed my friend running to remind me that you were about to hang out so then I could spad the stand the line.

I don't understand. But I don't understand this. How can you? How often do you watch the String?

Like every single day? I watch when I like when I do my homework, I listen to the stream, and then I listen to the podcast like every time they come out.

But yet you hate all the callers pretty much?

Yeah, because I'm just so jealous, I guess.

Well then, okay, so how do you feel? How do you feel now? Now?

Do you now? This is why I'm curious now having now been on the string, now that you have called in and you are you're here, you are now you now have an opportunity for greater empathy, right because you know now what it is like to be on the string.

Yeah, you're right, I do.

But like I said, this is the first time I haven't prepared, like I always have some stupid story for whatever your question is for the night, except for this. But yeah, I do know. I'm still gonna judge. I'm not going to change because I want redemption now because I have to wait like probably months even years for me to like have something good to talk about and then also get accepted back into the stream.

How do you feel about the idea? In fact, how do you feel about the I mean, let's admit the certainty that people listening to your call right now are judging you.

Oh yeah, they totally are. They're probably calling me a pick me girl, which you know what I am, but only when it comes to therapy Gecko, probably complaining about how much I'm acting like a spaz right now. They're could be countless things, But you know what, do I care? No? Okay, I'm I'm looking forward to my friends bullying me tonight about how much I messed up the call or something. They're going to find something to make fun of me about.

Do you feel like you feel like you messed up the call?

If I'm not into the podcast.

Then yeah, that's your barometers whether or not you make you make it into the podcast.

Probably because this is like the highlight of my twenty twenty. I just want to I just want to be I feel like nobody. It's rare that people call in and are funny, and that's what I look for. So I just I'm sad, but I can't fulfill the thing that I'm looking for.

I think you might you might have been unintentionally funny. I think that this situation is so I think that this topic is funny.

You know, I'm really impressed with myself that I've even made it this far.

You're viewing this, I think you're viewing this too much as a game that in which there are winners and losers.

Hmm yeah maybe. But but but like at the same time, like I just don't want to be super hypocritical, Like I don't want to be like the people I'm making fun of.

Well you've okay, well then then well yeah, then you've you've you've failed at that. But I'm still confused at how you're able to I'm still confused with the appeal. Is it like, are you like hate listening to the stream like you enjoy.

Hating it?

No, no, no no.

No? So here's the thing, is like I enjoy listening to you talk and like what you have to say, And it's kind of funny to see your reactions with people sometimes, like when I when I'm on the phone with Domiu and Ronan, I'll be like, oh my god, look at him, he's ready to hang up everybody get their phones ready, or we'll see you like move into a position and be like, I've never seen anyone more angry in my life.

Is there a now when the calls are boring, does it make you more productive because you're paying less attention to the podcast and more attention to your work.

No, I don't really think it has an effect on it.

But you just said it makes you super You said the type of Paul doesn't have an effect on your productivity. Yeah, now, Daimu and Roman you said other names. Yeah, have I spoken to them before?

No, you haven't.

I introduced you to them, and they also just told me that the chat is blaming me, So you know what I'm feeling pretty well?

Of course I haven't looked at the chat. I mean, of course there, but you know, look, but it doesn't matter. The chat is not God, no one is. No one gets to decide. I'm thinking about taking away the good call emote because I don't think anyone gets to decide what a good call is or what a bad call is. There's just calls, dude. There's just people talking on the phone. It's just a stream of a gecko man talking to

Can I ask you a questions? Of course, So I ask this question every time I meet someone, and it kind of like helps me form an opinion on them. But it's gonna seem very juvenile.

But Scooby or Shaggy, I I'll answer this, But are you prepared to answer a follow up question?

Yeah? Wait, wait, wait, but only if I like, you know what, Yeah, just go with it.

Shit, I'm gonna go with Shaggy.

Okay, thank god?

Oh okay, all.

Right now, all right, this is my follow up question. Why what information does this give you about a person in which you feel qualified to then make form and opinion about them?

Well, it started out like I used to ask this question when I would like meet a guy, like in the summer, if I would like meet a guy, I'd ask for their snap and I'd be like, when I got it, I'd say Scooby or Shaggy, And if they said Scooby, I would just unadd them. That's how I filtered out who I liked and who I didn't. If

He just is.

How is your dating Saggy is God?

You said there's no God. No, that's that's not possible. He said something about that.

I say all kinds of things. How how is your dating life?

How do you think ship?

It is?

Pretty well?

Yeah, but you know what, I have high standards, and I don't care.

You don't have high stand you have you have standards that you know there's those are not those standards don't make it any sense?

Well, I don't really like talking to people like, like, I'm not really like good at like cause I don't know, I'm not good at talking to multiple people at once, like I can if I'm like if I have like an alternate, No, okay, I can't. I can't talk to somebody who I'm interested in and then like be like, then go to talk to somebody else, Like I can only talk to one person at a time if I have the intent on like dating them or something, I

I guess this, This is your litmus test?

My?

What is your litmus test?

Do you know?

A litmus test is? Uh uh, all right, you're gonna have to google because I don't know how to explain it. But your litmus tests is scaggy set shaggy or Scooby?

Got it?

I think?

Do you have you ever?

Have you been to a real therapist before? No, just go to a real therapist. See what they have to say about this. Because I don't know how much of you are. I don't know, if you're meming right now, how much of you is meming or how much of you know this is who you actually are? But I I think I think you should reevaluate parts of this because that does How do you feel about this? How do you feel about your dating situation? I mean, I just probably larger than that.

But well, getting people has never really been a problem for me. It's more liking them is. I don't have a problem with my dating life.

But may.

No, I mean no, I just don't. I just I just have been pretty It's been pretty uneventful.

I think what you well, what you need is someone who's a bigger asshole than you are. You need child, Yeah, you need to find someone who is a bigger.

Douche than you.

That might be hard, though, I don't know if there is. I'm pretty bitchy.

I don't know where does one go to find other people who are who are who are also kind of bitchy? Do you think that would witch here? Bitchy people? You you you need one of two people. I think you're only it's like a work for you with one of two kinds of people, either someone who's a way worse than you or like a VI or or the complete opposite, just a very.

Very meek, you know, weaker man, But you won't. You wouldn't like that.

I would, I would, I think I would.

But just someone who, like you know, is going to take your ship.

Yeah, here's here's the thing is. I think I do know people who are more of a douchebag than I am. But they're all like dragets, like I hate them, Like they're like.

They're all like the same type of parlem Like like some guy who like probably played basketball or football in high school, wears only hoodies and sweatpants, listens to Kanye.

West in the weekend and nothing else, and has the most unoriginal personality.

Yeah, you guys would be perfect for each other.

No, I want someone to have, like some decent interest.

What are you? What are your interests?

I like music a lot.

Okay, yeah, I've played the Yeah, well I played.

Bass, and then I really like movies and I like I love to travel, but I haven't recently because of COVID. I go to Europe a lot because I have friends and family there.

I like, I think chas like travel, music, what else.

Mm hmm, I don't know. Me and my friends are really into photography. We have a whole account. Everyone followed Twins on Instagram. Please follow Grasshopper Twinks on Instagram. Please.

Yeah, I think that you should find a boring douchey man mm hmmmm, and then you two can have a toxic, beautiful relationship where you hate each other but you but you'll like that because look, some people are wired such and such that they enjoy. They just revel in and enjoy drama and toxicity. And look, I am over, I have no I people are wired in all sorts of

You can tell me anything I think.

I think I agree with you, mm hmm. And mostly because last night when I was out with my friends, we we all took those BDSM tests in a in a home deeper bathroom. I wish I'm chipking right now, but and like my results basically match with what you say. Oh incorrect?

Yeah, except who you are if you're you can do one when you're if you don't like your If you don't like yourself, you have two paths, and I don't know, if you don't like yourself, you might have completed one of these paths. You can either change yourself or you can accept yourself. You don't have any but and you do whichever one of those is more appealing to you.

Yeah, okay, you.

Yeah, I think I think you can too.

Well.

Listen, B. You know, I appreciate you calling in. I hope that I hope that.

You know.

I hope that you now I'll have a.

Greater perspective, uh, for the callers on this program, and I hope that it INFORBS, your your judgments upon them moving forward. And if it doesn't, then that's fine too.

Yeah it probably won't. But you know what, I'll call in and the next time you accept me, I'll let you know if I've changed, if I become a better person.

Yeah, I can't wait for it. I'll talk to you soon. Be appreciate you. You have a merry.

Pronicle, happy get mess, never goes.

On the line, making your own calls every night, never goes aside.

He's teaching you cud of your life.