Hill.
Who is this?
This is pomegranate?
How can I get you today?
Well, I wanted to call in talk about my experience of being an Uber driver.
Oh okay, how's that experience treating you?
It's a mixed bag.
Okay, tell us, tell us more.
Do you want to know the good part of the bag.
Or the bad part?
I like to start with the bad so that we can end with the good.
Okay.
Well, Uber doesn't seem to care very much about its drivers and seems to prioritize the riders, which is like understandable because obviously riders safety is very important, but like often we get the short end of the stick, Like with pay, we usually make about like half of what the riders pay, sometimes less if we're lucky, maybe more, which means the riders end up paying like way out
of ass and we don't really get it. And then so like when you when you're already paying, like when it's busy forty bucks for a ride, you're not inclined to tip, which I I like to get it. You know, you're paying a lot of money, but it just sucks on my end because I end up making like fifteen seventeen bucks.
Out of that you know, right, and that is that counting your gas too?
Oh yeah, there actually was a fuel surcharge for when like the fuel prices got all crazy and stuff, but they just removed that now. But I would honestly bet money that the riders are still paying saying that extra like fuel search charge, but it's just like not telling them anymore. But we're definitely not getting it.
And now, so if I get a ride for forty bucks, you make about twenty or you or fifteen.
Even yeah, fifteen to twenty depending there's like things like searches if it's busy, and if like the customer tips, I'll probably make a little more. But that that seems pretty accurate. Uh.
Is there a difference between uber and lyft with this kind of thing?
Uh? It kind of depends on market. I think Uber pays a little less because or not Uber. Lyft pays a little less because it tends to be a little cheaper at least where I'm at. But I don't do lyfts, so I'm not not too positive.
What are some of the other.
Cons I spend a lot of time I'm thinking, which sometimes can be good and sometimes can be bad. Uber driving led to arguably the worst thing that's happened to me, which kind of sucks. But it's not really like I guess Uber Driving's fault. It just is connected in my brain now, so I resent it a little bit for it.
You don't have to tell us what it is, but if you want to, you can.
Sure. So I was last year engaged and I was uber driving around and I don't really eat the healthiest, so I started to get, you know, the stomach rumbles, and I was like, you know, I am going to go home and use the bathroom, go home a little early. And I came home and my fiance was in the bedroom and she like quickly got off her phone when I came in, and I could immediately tell, like, because you know, obviously she's my fiance, I kind of know
her face expressions pretty well. She was very like off, hard and nervous, and I was like, hey, what's uh, what's up with that? She tried to like, you know, play it off, and I kind of continued to press on, you know, because I knew something was up and I was worried I like caught her cheating on me or something, you know, But as it turned out.
She was actually.
On the phone with her sister talking about like basically a plan of like moving out because her sister lives a few hours away, so it would have had been like planned ahead of time and whatever. But so I was basically sidewinded by that, which kind of sucked. And then after we ended up separating, Uber driving was like the only thing I could do for money because it
was like my primary source of income. But like driving around in my car after we had like spent a lot of time, you know together in it, like I pretty much drove everywhere with her, it would just be like the whole time, that's all I could think about, you know.
So when you said that Uber led to the worst thing that ever happened to you, do you in what way do you see Uber's involvement in this?
I think it was the amount of time that I was kind of starting to have to spend doing it, like being out of the house because normally, like I would work when she would be at work, but it kind of switched over when I did, And I don't know, I think that empty space just kind of like because we definitely had issues, and I like don't faulter at all for like ending things you know, like there's no
really fault there, like I can understand it. I would be remiss to say there's not, Like I guess a little bit of disappointment there, and just like being engaged at all. You know, it's just like a very big commitment.
So you feel like you feel like a lot of the issues that caused her to want to leave are rooted in the fact that you were always out of the house and couldn't spend enough time there.
No, absolutely not. Uber is just catching the strays of my emotional turmoil and as as a way of coping, I just like kind of resent it. And also just the amount of time that I spent driving in it, and I just like didn't think about things. You know, it is a bit of like a personalized torture chamber.
Dark.
I know, I didn't mean to get all dreary and depressing.
With it, but I bet if you, I bet if you told this story to the people who are riding with you, you'd get more tips.
I I've thought about it before, but I am always afraid that I would like to cry and then make things really uncomfortable.
Yeah, you might get it. Listen, if you drop some tears during this story you might get an even fatter tip.
Honestly, that is that is very very true.
But listen, man, you got your emotional tourmoril, at the very least use it for financial gains somehow if you have the ability to.
Hey, that's kind of been my goal most of my life, is just take advantage of all this bad stuff and find a way to financially benefit from it.
Yeah, okay, So so you felt as though your car was like this prison that reminded you of your relationship failing.
Oh yeah, Like.
There was a sticker on it, like a pricing sticker from the store she worked at when we first started like hanging out, and she like slapped it on there when she got in my car. Yeah, and I like tried to take it off when we first broke up, and then I was like unable to finish it. So it was just like halfway on there is I have a new car now, so I'm at least no longer in that car.
That's what I was going to ask, because if you got a new car, how much of your decision to get a new car was based off of the fact that your old one reminded you of your ex.
Uh, honestly, not a whole lot. I had to anyways, because it was like on its way out. Coincidentally at the worst time, like her and I were talking about getting a new car, and like we went to a few dealerships and everything that happened, and then I think two weeks after she left, it like broke down completely. And then I it got towed by the cops, even though it was parked in someone's yard with their permission.
And then I had to sign it over to the like toe people that impounded it because I didn't have the three hundred dollars to get it out. And then I found out through the people I got my car from that they would have paid for it to get out because they were taking me like sixteen hundred dollars for that car. Oh really, I already signed it over, and I.
Was just like, you're just getting sucked after fucked after fucked.
Yeah, pretty much.
Okay, So listen, Pomegranate, tell me you got a new car. You're on on the road. You kind of came into this and you told the call screener. You didn't even mention anything negative. Actually, when you talk to the call screener, apparently it says that you wanted to discuss like a lot of the positive things. So now that we've covered the emotional turmoil, I want to hear the positive. What sorts of things have you gained from this experience?
Yeah, I'll give you the positive, but I will be honest about that. I did come in here with the full intention of being positive. But then I smoked a little weed before I got on here, and I like started spiraling a little bit, and I was like, Okay, well it's not all positive. I can't just lie about it.
Well, I was going to say, I don't really carry either way. I just wanted the truth of the experience, and I'm glad that you came here with that.
Yeah, for sure the positive.
Basically, it's just been nice to get to meet a bunch of people and remember how much that, like a people can be very similar, Like I feel like I need a lot of copies of the same exact like archetypes, and then you get like massive, massive, out of field like random people that are just extremely unique, and I feel like I get these interactions that I would never get otherwise.
You know, Yeah, all right, I have that's a deep thing that you're talking about, and it's something that I've feel like I've gotten a lot of experience in as well, you know, doing this gecko thing. Tell me from your perspective, you say that a lot of people are kind of copies of each other. What sorts of through lines or similarities or archetypes have you noticed? Are are consistent in your observations?
Where are some consistent archetypes. I do a lot of driving in a college town, and all of the fashion students are very very similar in the way that they get in the car, specifically where they stare at for the majority of the ride, and how they just generally like don't talk and avoid talking. I guess that would be one example. A lot of like older white business
men behave very similarly. I had, I think a week ago, I was in a more expensive area and I picked these three guys up from this restaurant and I was driving them like forty some minutes back to their hotel, and they were just talking.
About this like whole world.
Of business that I have zero concept of, just all these numbers and this guy's a dumb ass if he makes this call and they're gonna kill you for that, and like how they were like dissect They're having a meeting at this restaurant. How they were like dissecting everyone's reactions to everyone, like everything everyone was saying. They're like, you know, did you see how he laughed when you talked about those stats and whether it was capable of
YadA YadA and all. This is just big, scary, big number of stuff and like millions and millions of dollars. And I was just staring forward the whole time, and I got called ma'am like seven times by the guy in the back seat, which, like it doesn't bother me. You know, I get it. I have very long hair. It happens often. The part that bothers me is when they realize that I'm like not and then they're like really weirdly apologetic about it, and it just it makes it a thing.
How do you make like what what is the difference between apologetic and weirdly apologetic?
In that scenario, they like they act like they just shot my kid in front of me, Like by insinuating that I was a woman, I was like the greatest offense. Like they just called me a slur basically, you know, sure, I don't really get it either, but.
Now it happens, and.
Frequently did the business men tip you.
I think like three bucks.
It was not a lot.
Now you said something about like a lot of archetypes, but then a lot of left field stuff, a lot of wild sort of sort of characters and uh, non, you know, things that you wouldn't expect. Tell me, tell me one of those.
I want to say, Like a month ago, I got a like complete car fool of Canadians that had flew all the way down for a random concert at like a country dive bar because they'd apparently like seen the musician before, and like they got in and it was like, I don't know if they were trying to just do like the Canadian cariacture or that's just like how they were.
But that was a very very fun experience. They were incredibly nice, and they asked for my numbers so I could pick them up like after the show was done, and I did, and they were just like completely hammered and they're incredibly kind, and they made like tons of funny jokes, and I don't know, it was just like never expected to really be in that situation, you know.
So wait a minute, they gave you their number to basically pay you for a ride outside of Uber.
Yeah.
I have the guy's number on my phone still. Yeah.
Oh and I bet you made a lot more money off of that than you would have if you took it through Uber.
Oh for sure.
They like they promised that they were gonna tip like a ton of money, and then I watched them struggle for like two straight minutes just going through the dollar bills. Like I don't know if it's just because the currency was different or whatever, but he ended up handing me like eleven ones and he said it was like fifty dollars. And I couldn't tell if he was just too drunk to notice or if he's joking. And I didn't care.
I just had a great time and I was just happy to, like, you know, get them back there.
I'm pretty sure Canadian money is worth less than American money, so that's actually not even eleven dollars.
Oh yeah, I just doesn't it just like look different though? Do they use bigger numbers, different numbers?
But the thing is, I feel like the the intention was there, the kind intention for sure.
Yeah.
So it sounds like you you have a mixed relationship with life, man, I mean, you're in this position where you are encountering all these different people and every day is an anthology of humanity for you across across its wide spectrum of positivity and negativity. Where does your mind stand these days? On average? You know, are you feeling good about things? Are you feeling good about life? About people?
No? No, I feel pretty poorly about everything. To be fully transparent.
How high are you?
Uh?
I was kind to hie when it started, but I can kind of feel myself sobering down, m.
And you feel like when you're more sober is when you are feeling better or worse?
Oh worse, absolutely worse.
Okay, so hmm, okay tell me this. Then, if you're not feeling good about things, do you think there is anything at all that would make you feel better about things?
I'm not sure. I'm kind of figuring that out right now. I feel like my life entering the new year, because you know, we sign meaning to dates and time and whatnot. I feel like I'm entering a new reset phase, you know, Oh yeah, just this new period. And I'm not really sure what direction I want to go in. Very aimless and grasping for meaning I think is a good good way to put it.
M hmmm, does anything currently give you a meaning?
I have a cat.
He's reliant on me. He's a little mischievous man, but he's very sweet and he's my son. Yeah. I have like my roommates. They're very very close friend of mine, friends of mine. It's good to have them here. Uh made it easier, like not being entirely alone, which is nice. Outside of that, not too much. Got to pay off my car loan. I don't know if that's really meaning, but it's a fake purpose.
That's a good reason to get out of bed in the morning. It's something.
Yeah, I mean it's somewhat working.
I want to say this because you obviously came into this like you were saying on a negative point, but at the very beginning you were like, all right, there's the pros and there's the cons, there's the yin and the yang, and you clearly have this ability to recognize and appreciate humanity when you see it. Do you agree with that?
Yeah?
Are you able to do that? Often?
I think to a fault sometime to a fault, how so to a fault, I think this is gonna there's no corny way, there's no non corny way to say this, But I think I struggle a little bit too much with empathy, and like, if I see someone experiencing duress or pain, I tend to be like experience it pretty intensely myself, and it'll just kind of like send me on a spiral.
Yeah, Like I spend I spend a lot.
Of time looking at like historical events and like current events stuff in the world.
Yeah, and it.
Is a horrible cycle of being aware of how horrible everything can be and usually is. But then you're like too aware and it feels like impossible to express joy about everything because you just have like this weight in your chest of all the horrors around you, so to speak.
Okay, I have a lot of thoughts about that. But first is when you're kind of thinking about the things that are stressing you out and making you not feel good, is that a big.
One kind of a right?
My therapist tells me that I tend to focus too much on the big instead of the small. Okay, I'm all being like myself and I instead like like I'll go into therapy and I'll start talking about something related to me, but then as Ranson to event not event, a rant about you know, the police state or whatever I'm going on at the time.
Yeah, man, your therapist is very much onto something.
Yeah no, she's a she's great.
Good. Good. Your therapist is very much onto something. If you just spend every single day in there, here's the thing. There will always there is a never ending supply of horrible terrors to worry about in the world. But the best you can look if you're not gonna go out and like be an activist or a scientist or something where you contribute in some small part to this larger problem.
If you're not gonna do that, the best you can do is take all of this big picture stuff and throw it out of your mind and focus as hard as you can on your own corner of the universe. I feel like this is what your therapist was getting at. Like, you know, dude, your cat, your roommates, the people that you meet when you're doing your job. I mean, you're
in this uber. One of the things you were talking about is you're in this uber all the time, connecting with people and interacting with other people, like you come across people every single day. Like, narrow it down to your own life and go, what's the best I can do?
In my own life, and then all of a sudden, this grand, existential, never ending problem of the horrors of the universe, it turns into something that's more tangible, which is, again, how can I be the best I can be in my own personal life with the people I come into, I interact with every day. How can I make this uber drive the best for this rider by being nice to them or interacting with them positively? How can I
do good by my cat? And how can I and also by the way, not to be so hard on yourself? How can I do all of this the best I can do it within my own personal energy levels? Right, Because sometimes you walk around and you're short and kurt with people because you're just because you're just energy is short because you are depressed or you got whatever you
got going on. But focusing on how to do the best you can with your own sphere is always going to be a thousand times better of a strategy than reading the fucking news and worrying about how to save all the children and Yemen.
Yeah, I mean, that is a great advice, and I've received similar advice. It's just the putting it into practice that is the part that I get stuck on sure, like I, and like I unfortunately am very activists involved. I don't know a better word to describe that right now, uh huh. Unlike a lot of my social circles, uh consistently revolve around those things, and like h it's a bit hard to escape because it's really one of the only facets of my life that are still like standing, you know, can.
Go ahead on, yeah, you go ahead, and then I have a thing before this.
A lot of my identity outside of that pretty much just like focused on my relationship. I was, for lack of a better term, I was a bit of a life guy.
Uh huh.
And that also has led to a small identity crisis of trying to find any sort of other thing. But once again, I'm focusing on the uh you know, the the dark, I suppose. But proceed with what you were going to.
Say, Well, okay, so I mean even that was a thing that you said just there you were like I was a wife guy, and now the thing and this It can be a relationship, it can be a fucking sport, it can be whatever it is these things that you identify yourself with so strongly to fuck you because then when they disappear and you realize you don't have a diversified portfolio upon which to build your identity. You just
you just get you just get fucked, you know. So building that diversified life portfolio, I feel like it's so crazy important. And I'll say this, man, if you, if you could just do this one thing, like you ever try it for a day, you ever wake up and you ever just be like, all right today, I'm not gonna go on Twitter. I'm not gonna read the news.
I'm gonna try as possible as much as I possibly can today, if not even for a full day, if for a one interaction, you go, I'm gonna treat this person like they're the first person I've ever met in my life. I'm gonna treat this. I'm gonna treat talking to this person and being present with this person like it's the most important, Like it's as important as saving all the children and Yemen. You know what I'm saying. You try that at least one time, or at least one day. It's a place to start.
Yeah.
So just like.
Like go out blind and Uber, I would.
I wouldn't do anything that evolves being blind and driving.
For Uber, but metaphorically blind, stupid.
Yes, I would try to do whatever it is you can do it and just put yourself in the moments, you know, because this is I mean, this shit happens to me all the time. Man, I'm on Twitter and fucking read it and thinking about everything about this, everything except for where I am actually at. And it's a prime fucking h h recipe for disaster and unhappiness. Well every time, oh for sure. And again I'm I'll just
say this last thing. I'm I see hope for you in this, And obviously I'm not you, so I don't know the true depth of what you're dealing with, but I just want to say this to you. I see hope for you and your ability to be able to do this and to you know, put the entire world away, to focus on your own life and your own community
and your own people that you interact with. Because you told all those stories of being in the Uber and these interesting people you meet, and you had a real gracious, perceptive view of the humanity that you were going that you were encountering when you were doing that, I know that you have the ability to sync deeply into that, if that makes sense, And so yeah, and so I think that a future that involves more of you doing that and less of you trying to solve the Israel
Palestine crisis would be Uh, you know a better thing.
It's one of my go tos man.
Listen uh, pomegranate. Some people in the chato me telling you palm. I like that, Palm.
I get that.
I like palmy. I like those. I like all those. Listen, palm.
Uh.
Do you have any final thoughts about the stuff that we've talked about and then anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
I do, but I have one quick question to ask you before I do that. Okay, Sure, what is the story with the hold music?
I am going to immediately hang up on the next person that asked me that, but not you, because we've gotten too far into it. Is there anything else that you want to say about all the stuff that we've been talking about her to the people of the computer before we go.
Yes.
I think radical love is the key to the future. And I think a lot of us spend time focused on punishment instead of rehabilitation and building together forward. Sure, and I think that's an important concept that people should focus on, and I think they should examine how they feel when people they care for and don't care for do wrong in the world, and how to proceed forward with that.
Anything about you, I'm going to try and look at Twitter less.
Beautiful. I'm gonna I support you in that goal.
Thank you very much.
All right, bomb, take care you too. Get I liked that call lot. I like that concept a lot, and I'm trying to be better at that. I have all these fucking epiphanies and then I lose them and go on Twitter. It happens all the time. I'm sure it's happened to you guys too. You have this grand epiphany. You're like just everything I just said to him, where I'm like, I can't be thinking about every problem going on in the world all the time. I can't be
thinking about all the news. Here's what everyone else in the world is doing. Here's what the popular folks are doing. Here's what this guy that everybody hates said that he's pissing everybody off. Now here's this thing, and it's just it's everything except my life and what's in front of me.
And it's gotta be the grand thing to ignore all of that and focus intently on being with the people that I encounter in my life and being with the shit with my own life, and how can I best do do my best in that and not worry about any other shit. Right, you have that grand psychedelic epiphany, and then what do you do? You're on fucking Twitter two days later, because because if only it were as easy,
That's that's the problem with all this stuff. If only it were as easy as you have the epiphany, and now the epiphany is integrated into your life, it rarely is it. You have to actually you have to go to the mental gym and build your brain by having the epiphany, acting on it for a little bit, fucking up. Then you act on it a little bit longer, you fuck up again, and you just have to just keep trying. It's hard. It's harder than just you have the epiphany
and it's in your life. Takes time to integrate it. That's what I'm working on, all right, Thanks for calling Tom? Hello, Hello, how are you?
I'm doing good?
How are you?
How can I get you to there? Oh?
Aywhile, well, so I'm in the middle of remodeling my bathroom and I only have one bathroom, so I've been finding myself like having to pee but too lazy to go outside, So I've just been going to my kitchen and just paying in the sink, and uh, like it's way more convenient that I thought it would be. And I kind of like it. And I don't know if that's bad. It doesn't smell or anything, which is cool, and I don't have like a lot of people over
so I'm not worried about that. But this, like tonight, I did it and I was like, I looked in the reflection in the window and I saw my face and I was like, is this okay?
Like I don't know, you had a moment of self reflection while you were peeing in the sink.
Yeah, Like I don't know, Like I like, I've done it like more than like twenty times now, but this time I looked up and I saw my face and I was just like, WHOA, Like is this okay? I don't know if this is weird or like, you know, like, I don't know, it's just kind of cool.
I saw yourself from Afar were able to observe your own actions in a way you hadn't before.
Yeah.
Yeah, So all right, bring me back to this moment where you're staring at yourself and you're wondering if it's okay. Tell me more about the thoughts going on in your head. Well, so.
I have to like get on my tippy toes to like, you know, make it over the sink. So I'm usually worried about splashing, but I was. I was making it in and when I looked, I was just like, you know, I'm older, I've you know, I feel like I'm too old for that. I'm just like, what's what am I doing? Like I'm a disappointment, Like why am I peeing in the sink right now? Like like my parents would be so ashamed.
Yeah.
Also, like right in front of my sink is a giant window, and I don't live like there's no houses behind me. It's just kind of like mesa, but there's an arroyo and then there's houses past that. And like if somebody was just like for some reason, like on a ladder looking over their wall, they they would see me. But it's very unlikely. But that does come across my mind time to time, and that's embarrassing because I don't
want some random person to see it. But yeah, I don't know it's just like, why not just walk outside?
Yes, but you do realize that if you go outside and pee, then there's a better chance of people being able to see you than if you were just being in your sink.
That's true, that's true. Yeah, I was worried about the smell, but it doesn't smell too bad at least now. Like I run water after I pee, and then I sometimes turn on the garbage disposal just to be safe. But I haven't had any problems so far. But like, also, it takes water, and that's like a good thing I saw on the internet, like flushing uses so much water, and I guess like with the sink, you know, you don't have to worry about that.
That's a good point.
So, but I don't know if I'm just justifying me peeing in the sink is the problem?
You said you feel like a disappointment when you look at yourself in the reflection of the window being in the sink.
Uh. Yeah, why do you.
Feel like a disappointment? What do you feel like is inherently wrong with being in the sink?
Well, I just like, I don't know, I feel like a grown man shouldn't, like, you know, with this stuff out and be in the sink at least, like what, oh yeah, do you own a rent? Rent?
How much is your rent?
Twelve hundred?
I think you've earned the right to be in the sink.
Well, all right, that kind of makes me feel better hearing it from you. Thank you. It's calling for some kind of reassurance, you know.
Okay, listen, I I haven't brought this up yet, but you said that you have a bathroom. Yeah, why don't you just use the bathroom?
Uh, we're remodeling the bathroom, so there's no toilet, so we kind of just you know, it's gone. There's just a hole in the ground. I could try and pee in the hole. I never thought of doing that. I don't think that works.
What had I modeled your toilet to be a sink?
Oh shit? Oh well, my guests would be really confused. But hmm, well, I guess I could try and see in my well, that's gone too. What were you gonna say, the kitchen sink like where you wash your hands. But that's gone too, that's just pipes. But there is a hole in the ground. I guess I could pee in that, but I'm I don't know how plumbing works. So I think I have no idea.
Yeah, I think. I think that if you were to change your sink, your toilet to be a sink, then the line between what is meant to be peeed in and what is meant to have your hands washed with becomes blurred. Oh shit, And those lines were made by humans anyway, because these these inventions, the sink, the toilet, they're made by human beings. Okay, the natural world people peeing outside is far, far, far older than these technologies. And these technologies are you know, they only really have
the the intended purposes that we give them. But at the end of the day, both the toilet and the sink, they're just holes that lead to places. You know, it's subjective, So if I were you, I would keep that in mind when you're making your decision. But also don't do anything where strangers are seeing your dick.
Oh for sure, no way, I'll think about that sor.
I think that's why the people of the Computer Before.
We Go.
Love the podcast, love you Lyle, got gone baby.
Thanks Ben tak Care. Every once in a while, when I am truly lazy, I will pee in the trash can. Oh shit, where does he poop. All right, I'm calling him back. Hello, Hey man, real quick, one question?
Yeah, where do you poop outside? For now?
If you're already pooping outside, then what is this?
Usually I have to pee like more frequently than I have to poop, so I just like going into the sink. It's fine. Sometimes I pee outside when I'm pooping, but you know, like i'd pee like four times a day or five sometimes if I'm drinking.
Okay, thanks, all right, I'm glad we called them back.
Hello.
Hello, Hi, Oh my gosh.
Yeah, who is this.
Hi?
My name's Rachel.
How are you doing, Rachel?
I'm doing really good. I'm very Oh my gosh, I'm very flustered and excited. I recently started listening to your podcast and watching your videos. Wow.
Hell yeah, that makes me very happy to hear.
Man, that's awesome. How are you doing.
I'm doing good. I haven't shut up talking about my live show tour thing, so I'm excited for that. I'm gonna be yeah. Yeah, it's I'm gonna be yeah, I thought to myself, because it's like fifty fuck dates. I'm like, all right, well if I do this global, we'll see, we'll see. I mean listen, man, I'm going to fucking Lisbon, Portugal. I don't know how many people fucking listen to me there.
But if I go there and it's me and three people and we sit in a circle and do a seance, you know that'll be worth the plane ride.
But you know what, even if it is just three people, I bet you'll make the most out of it.
That's what That's how I feel. That's how I feel. I'm excited, Lisbon, Portugal, Come come see therapy, get go live. Anyway, anyway, how are you, Rachel, what's going on?
I'm good. I'm just hanging out with my cat and you know, talking to you, and oh my gosh. So I'm good. I'm good. I have work in the morning, but for right now, I'm good. I'm just chilling.
It says here that you claim that you are a sore loser and you need advice on good sport.
Okay, Well, so yeah, this is like a problem. This has been like a problem always. I'm just very defensive, I guess, and I It's always been a thing with me, whether it be like gym class or just video games or even like shit board games with my family. I'm just I always want to win, and I get so
angry when I lose. And it's not like I like lash out physically or anything, but like I like curse and like, you know, I kit talk and I just I want to get over that because I want to I want to make more friends and like go out and do things. I live in the city and I want to, you know, go play games, Like there's this
cool game shop near me. But I don't want to, you know, like if we're talking shit to people I just meet and want to be friends with, and I recognize that the problem, but I kind of can't stop.
All right, Well let's get into that. Well, let's get into it. What I mean. You say that you're very competitive to the point where you don't feel like you can physically restrain yourself from cussing people out at your local board night board game.
Well, I don't like physically assault people. I'm very skinny. I would not be able to. But I don't know, I just get really heated, like playing like online games or whatever. Like I just I just get too riled up when I lose. Man, Well, like what do you think that is?
Like what I do you have any idea why you are like this.
I meant do it. I mean.
Most so, most of.
My competitiveness, I guess comes from like me being a girl trying to prove myself, I guess. And I don't want to say that's always the case, because I'm not. I'm not trying to like, you know, assume that people are like being misogynistic or you know, but I feel like I kind of like have stuff to prove, and I'm like good at things, you know, I want to, like I'm really passionate about things, and I want to you know, I want to. It's not to say I'm always losing, but it just, you know, it kind of
like hurts my ego, I guess. I don't I want to want to say I'm an ego maybiac gur Right, Well sure in that way, I guess.
Okay, Well, I mean, look, there's something to be afraid of or or or you know, in discovering of kind of what you are and why you do the things you do. But let me all right, so let me ask you this here. You say you feel like you're trying to prove something. You feel like as a girl, you're trying to prove that, you know, like you're like you're fighting up against something. I mean, this competitive nature.
Does it only come out when you are like doing things with like just guys, Like like if you're playing a board game with a bunch of other girls, Like, does it does?
Does the competitive it's anybody? Like I don't want to say being this girl is the only reason. Like I'll just like even if I'm playing like my friends, I'm just I'm very competitive and like my really good friends like know that about me. And you know, it's like if I notice myself doing it, I'll try and curb it in. But it's always like they like, let's talk about yeah this.
You have something to prove thing?
What is that?
What do you what are you trying to prove?
Oh?
Man, you really are a good therapist. Huh. It's it's like this whole so long story short. I was diagnosed with ADHD in like eighth grade. So it only like I'm not saying like it's it's a bad thing because I've I've I've gone to an actual therapist and I've you know, seen it as like a positive thing. It's
not a detriment to me or anything. But it's kind of always been like, oh she has that, so you know, I mean I was kind of like I was kind of raised to be like aware of that as a thing, and it's always been like just another thing holding me back. So I don't know, maybe like I guess that like it's like an additional thing I gotta and it's not like this is.
But I just want to talk for a second. Is this this It sounds like and I'm doing armchair therapy here, but you know, I'm going to just say something and you tell me if you think it's accurate.
Okay?
You Uh.
Their competitiveness comes from like these constant like feeling as though you're railing against stuff, right, like like you want to prove that you know, you as a as a woman can do things. You want to prove that you know your ADHD isn't holding you back. You're like having there's these things that you're railing against and trying to prove that you're above and it's driving a lot of this competitive nature. Is that accurate at all?
Yeah? That that really kind of summarizes it, Okay, And I guess just like that comes like and then I'm like self aware, so then I'm also fighting myself and being like why are you you know, why are you like this kind of oh? Yeah, like and then I'm aware of how I'm feeling and then I'm just fighting myself at that point, so it's just yeah, yeah, I oh, it's like constantly in a circle of bitterness with it.
Oh that's the word. I understand what you're saying completely, because when you're self aware about something, you get two hits, you're like, yeah, like, uh, why do I You're because you're you're competitive overly almost in a way that you feel like you can't even control. And then on top of that, you're pissed off that you can't that you You're just pissed off at yourself for being like this, So it hits you twice.
Yeah, And you know it's weird though, Like I've already gone through like I'm an adult, I'm in my I'm in my late twenties, and just like I've I've gone through therapy for like the ADHD and blame and guilt
and everything. So I'm glad to say I'm removed for most of that guilt towards it and just like you know, apologizing and blaming it and blaming myself for a lot of things but it's kind of sucks that it's still there, Like it's still like, you know, with like the guilt and trying to prove to myself even though like there's nothing wrong with me. This is just how I am. I'm still kind of doing it, and then I'm just like down on myself for it.
Have you ever flipped a chess board over at someone?
I don't think a chess board because I don't know how to play jazz, But I'm not gonna sit here and say no, because they're probably has been a point, you know. What's funny. I remember there's one memory that just came to mind of me trying to play rock band with my family and I think I was trying to do free birds and I missed one too many, and like so like I was on the guitar, my sister or whatever was on the keyboard, and somebody else is on the mic, and I got so mad that
I wasn't doing it right. I literally restart the song and everybody's like, what the hell? You know, we were just into it, and I'm like, no, I gotta get it right. I gotta get it right because I.
Know I can do it.
I know I can do it.
So, what's the worst incarnation of this that you have experienced?
Have you.
Gotten physical? What's the worst it's gotten?
Oh god, I don't like again, it's never been physical. I think the worst is just like, I don't think the worst is like really like a specific situation. I just really feel like the feeling of losing. And I guess it's somewhat like the closest thing I can call it is guilt, but I don't think it is guilt.
Just like I don't know, maybe just like when I'm playing online games, I think that I don't know if Chad will relate to this, but the latest Platoon game that released, Oh my god, all my multiplayer on that, Like, I think I'm pretty good at that, but holy hell, when I lose a match or whatever, it just hurts. Like and I know I'm pretty good because they ranked you, they played you with other people of your skill, so I'm up there, but oh my gosh, it just like
it hurts. And I do not play league legends. I am not that bad.
So it's okay, It's okay. I kind of have a thing. I have a little bit of a thing. I'm gonna tell you this thing and you tell me if it's helpful or relatable to your situation. This desire to prove yourself. I get it. I on a I personally have always felt as though not always, but just I personally kind of feel like the desire to prove yourself.
Is not.
A great motivator because at the end of the day, nobody cares about you, right, which is not a mean or sad. It's a good thing. It's a free it's no freedom.
It's funny you say that, because I found myself like most like within the past year or so, like it's so easy to fall into like Twitter arguments and just people online, and I found myself taking a step back on those because like when you're having to type it out, you have that second to like take a breath and think about it. Yeah, And I found myself, you know, thinking, wait a minute, do I really care?
No, I don't eat whatever.
I was gonna say, right and then move what But I think when like games and stuff, it's it's it's so much more like within them, you don't have that introspection.
So just to the point of do I really care, it's like a couple a couple of things and I'll just this is kind of be my last point on this. Is like when you're trying to prove yourself when you're and the competitive nature comes from trying to prove yourself to other people. Hey, the people you're trying to prove yourself to, they don't care. They don't care about you.
And even though they do care and they're impressed for a little bit it, there's no lasting positive effect from them being impressed by you, and only lasts sobody they're going to go and live their own life and not be thinking about you. And then you're left with actions that you don't even like them. You don't even like these things about yourself that you're doing to prove yourself
to other people who don't even care. Right, So, if you took a second, if you took a second in the way that you take a second when you're in a Twitter argument, and you you know, pause the typing for a second, and you're like, huh, I'm trying to prove myself to people that I don't even care about, that don't even care that much about me, and how good I am in any of this stuff? And in doing that, I'm doing shit that I don't even like
about myself. Maybe if you took that second, if you found that second, you could calm down and not right knock over the Jenga tower.
Listen, I don't do that. But so let me ask you this. Then. I am one of my friends that I've made within the past couple of years when I moved out of my parents. She wants to do like get into like a volleyball league or a softball league or something. Is there any advice that you have of that if I feel that, like, you know, guilt that I have to work on coming up in that moment if I lose or do something wrong, do you have
any advice for what I could do? Because she's aware of my competitiveness and I don't want to be like a detriment to her.
Uh huh, Well, I mean, I look, I mean you not wanting to be a detriment to her. I mean, that's just another fuel to add into that. That's just more fuel into your realization when you take a moment. Okay, you know that's what I would say if I had to advise. It's just to take a moment, right, Just remember that nobody cares. You don't care. Nobody care just remember that nobody cares. A good thing, that nobody cares.
It's it's not a bad I think it's a good thing that nobody cares, and you don't and you don't care about them. What you care about. Your priority is to act like a regular hman being.
I'll try and be normal.
And and when you take a second, and you and it's going to take a lot of you reminding yourself this.
Yeah, it's like a muscle, I worry.
It's like a muscle. Exactly, It's like a muscle. And you'll grow that muscle. And then once you continue to orient yourself away from your defaults. Your defaults are rooted in this anger and desire to prove yourself, which you and that's your emotional response, but your logical response is going to be, how can I serve me being a normal, compliant human being. And this interaction that I'm having with other people, you know, you'll you'll get there, You'll get there.
And then add in, I don't want to be you know, I don't want to fuck this up for my friend. You add that in as fuel to that, you know.
What I'm saying, That will definitely help.
Yeah, yeah, and uh, Listen. You might have to throw a few controllers and break a few skateboards over your knee before you get there, but you'll get there.
Listen.
I've never broken a controller. I'm proud to say that, although I mean, having those wristbands on the way definitely to help when they came out.
But I'm.
I mean, yeah, no, that makes total sense. And it's funny that you you know, we talked about it being a muscle and everything, because a man, I am just kind of falling back into like that old detrimental habit that I had before I went to therapy before, like because I used to be like so apologetic and you know, just like accepting the blame because I have this disorder and my therapist really had to help me and like
train me off of that mindset. So it's kind of weird that I'm back in like a somewhat similar cycle for something else, but it's still kind of related.
No, it fucking sucks. It's crazy because like I've had times were like so believe it or not, surprisingly, I've had times in my life where I'm in shape and I'm going to the gym and whatnot, and then you stop and then you just get fat, and it's like there's a mental thing to that too. You have times
where you're like, very it's exactly the same. You are cognizant of your life and the way that you're thinking about things because you have this epiphany because you did Ayahuascar or whatever it is, and you're kind of holding that for a little bit, and then you slack off and then all of a sudden, you're you know, court.
Like, I could keep you on the phone for like another two hours straight about motivation alone because I have zero.
But is there anything else you want to say to the people that computer before we go?
No? Just I guess, just to take away from this breathe be nice to each other. I don't know. Uh, my cat says, Hi, I guess.
No.
I just My only other question, uh would be because I don't know if you've answered this before, but since I'm like kind of a new viewer, I am curious as to how you get your green suit to show up if you use a green screen or is it just like secret GEK magic?
What green screen?
Oh? Okay, maybe it's the sorry bye.
Yeah, that's a tough one. I hate giving advice, which is why I have an advice podcast. I hate giving advice because I I hate the idea that I'll tell somebody to do. I just I hope everyone understands when I say to do something, it's I'm talking to me one hundred percent of the time, because I fuck up a lot, and I these things I'm trying to do, I fuck up, and I'm not nice all the time, and I'm trying. I'm I'm with everyone else who calls me, uh,
trying to work on myself as a human being. And I guess I hate the idea that if you position yourself to a point where you're like giving advice, it somehow implies that you're above all of the things that you're giving advice on, and that implication makes me vastly uncomfortable. So, you know, just throwing it out there that I'm navigating this space with all of these people, you know, working on this ship myself. Okay, Repeat goes on the line
taking your phone calls every night. The repeat can goes doing his ride. Who's teaching you to houses of your life, but he's not really an expert.