“BEING AN ADULT IS AWFUL”

Hello.

Oh, my fucking god.

What's your name? Lad?

My name is Nick.

Nick. What's up, Nick? How you doing, buddy?

Oh?

I'm not ship. How's it going?

I'm actually feeling pretty uh okay right now? I'm excited to talk to you. What's up?

Yeah, I'm excited to talk to you. Fuck I don't know. I'm nervous as hell now, God damn it.

Have have we ever talked before? Nick?

No?

All right? Cool? Where who are you? You have a bombastic personality?

Well thank you. I don't think anybody's ever said that to me before.

Who who are you?

I'm a guy? Sure are I'm a guy that does things?

Sure are what kind of hell?

Yeah? Uh? Well, hotly, just hang out with my kids work.

You know, how old are your kids?

They are six and I have three year old twins.

Holy fucking geez. How old are you?

I'm twenty eight. I probably sound like a child.

But yeah, no, you're you're you're if you have three kids, you're a super You're a total You're an adults. You're a real adult. That's really cool.

Well, how's being adult, real person?

You're a super realer? How's being a real adult?

Fucking awful man? I mean being parentschool, but being an adult is fucking awful.

Yeah, why tell me more?

So, Like a year ago, I had this really bad, fucking mental breakdown because the real fucked up shit happened with my family and all that. Ever since then, I smoke weed and then I just sit there and I'm like, man, I'm going to die. Everybody that I care about is going to die, and nothing's going to mean anything.

Really, how often do you do that?

Almost every time? And all it takes is like a puff or two?

How often do you get high? You said, are you doing it? You're doing it every day?

Yeah, most of the time. It used to be NonStop, but now I'll smoke like a bull a day.

What were you saying?

It's just like it's a bad time, but I've been doing it for so long that like my brain and my body. You're like, you fucking need this, you piece of shit?

Can I I'm like genuinely curious because I I've lately I've been just thinking you have been imagining what my life would be like if I had to take care of things that aren't me. And it's like, don't you, like with three kids, do you have time to like get high.

Yeah. Yeah, they're good kids. They go to sleep on time. One of them's in school.

Okay, do you have someone who else? Do you have a wife?

Yeah, I have a girlfriend.

I heard a daddy in the background.

Yeah.

Sorry, sorry, I can't right now. I'm talking to the therapy Gecko exactly.

They see you occasionally. They know I'm actually being you for Halloween. And I've had one person. I've had one person be like, are you supposed to be the therapy Gecko and like yeah, yeah, oh yeah.

That's sick. That's awesome, man, that's awesome. All right. So you feel, like you said, you have a mental breakdown every time you get high, Yeah.

Pretty much. And I've all stemmed from one really bad mental breakdown I had like about a year ago.

What, uh, well, how do you like? Okay? Can I I'm just curious. I'm curious how your brain works, because I know what I kind of I know what like existential dread feels like like when you're high and you're in the middle of that dread and you're like, nothing matters. I'm gonna die, Mike. Everyone I care about is gonna die. Do you okay? In this moment? Like literally right now? Are you sober? Are you high right now?

Ah?

Yeah, I'm sober. My kids are awake. I'm not gonna get high around these little shits.

In in in uh uh right now, in this current second, do you feel the way that you felt? Do you feel that those existential thoughts?

Do you?

Like? No, not really? It could be because I'm gonna call with the fucking gek right now, but no, not really.

Okay. It's interesting because when when you let when like that kind of shit kicks in, or it's almost you almost think in your head, you're like, oh no, this is my brain forever now, and that's like scary.

Yeah, yeah, that's that's accurate.

But you know the but that's not true because here you are, after having once believed fully, truly, genuinely with your whole soul that nothing mattered you stand uh in this moment, knowing that to not be true, which I think is cool.

Yeah, okay, sorry, I'm trying to wrangle some little shit. So I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry, don't be sorry. I have nothing at all to remotely be sorry for. What do you what else is going on in your life?

Shit, I'm just trying to work survive, you know, adult thing like we brought up before. Hey, my fucking job work with a bunch of dope ds.

What's your job?

I'm a manager, Eddie fucking Applebee's.

That's cool. Do you do you yell at people a lot? Do you yell at your staff?

No, they don't pay me enough to do that.

Mmmm mmmm does your buddy your bosses yell at you?

No? But that that ship all right?

So you don't yell. So you don't yell at anyone, and no one yells at you. Tell me what what? What is it? What? What? What upsets you the most? Because you sounded like very upset. I'm curious with the specific A lot.

Of drug addicts that I have to put up with, and I get sick of dealing with drug addicts all the time. Sure, drugs, they're all tweakers. I think there's one crackhead, but most of them tweakers. But I guess there's an Applebee's.

What's a tweak? Is a tweaker is? This is the concept of a tweaker associated with a specific drug, usually crystal math and fetom and have your done maths.

No. I was prescribed adderall at a very young age, So it's kind of like, eh, been there, done that For the most part, I mean, it's a diet myth.

So what you're the people who work for you that are that are drug addicts do does? What do they do to make your life more difficult?

Fuck? They don't show up for work, They come to work tweaken, They bring random, strange methods into work with them for some fucking reason. That's like yesterday I had some some scrawny, little, fucking junked out hobo come in and he's like, hey, it's William here, and then they disappeared for like fucking twenty minutes, and I'm just like, what the hell, No I got to do? You're supposed to be doin when I got my own shits? Okay, I'm sorry.

Have you got no sorry? Sorry? Have you ever made it? You ever made any any you ever made any good friends or business connections? This way? Like somebody brings somebody into your restaurate on who's on drugs, and you're like, you know, I know that you're on a lot of drugs, but you're actually, uh, you actually seem like a cool guy, and I want to hang out.

Uh later, I've met a few of them. Actually, when I got hired on and I wasn't a manager, everybody who worked there was like somebody who I've known for a really long time. So it was an enjoyable place to work at that point.

Okay, all right, so you're you're making you know, sure, it's probably it's probably not fun when people just bring random, random people on meth into work, but you know, maybe you get you guys can have a play date afterwards, and it's kind of nice.

Yeah.

What else? What else.

I've been drinking?

You've been jerking a lot deeper?

No drinking a lot drink. I don't have to jerk it not that often.

Ship Uh what how often are you drinking? What are you drinking?

I usually only drink all my days off, but I stick to beer these days. But there's still like this guilt that I live with of like, man, I'm drinking too much, even though I drink like four beers a week.

It's an interesting question. Are you drinking too much? I guess I guess that's kind of up for you to decide. Well, you have kids, So if your kids told you that you were drinking so much that they didn't recognize they didn't feel like they could recognize you anymore. That's some.

Yeah, anytime I'm doing so, they're like, they're not around. I'm not a total piece of shit.

That's cool, that's cool. No, I don't. I don't think you're a total piece of shit at all. I don't think you're a total piece of shit.

Thank you. I try. I try my best to be a good person.

Do you what's up with the kids? Mom?

Oh? Yeah, we lived together. Things have been uh better now, I guess than they used to be, which was kind of the cause of the mental breakdown that I had a year ago.

How long have you?

So?

Okay? So you all okay? So you, your wife and your three kids all live in the same house. Yes, okay, that's pretty good. That's pretty great. And you do you? And do you? And uh you're white? You sher wife?

No, she's my girlfriend. I don't think you're going to get married.

Do you and your girlfriend get along.

Most of the time recently? But like last year around this time was very bad, in one of the darkest points in my life. But things are a lot better now.

How in what ways have they gotten better?

We don't argue so much. That's a big one. That's a big one. She finally got a job.

Did you have like a central thing that you would argue about?

Shit? No, Oh, she's got a lot of mental shit. I've got a lot of mental ship. It was it was rough for a while, but it is. It has gotten a lot of it.

That's good. What does she do? So you work at the Applebee's. What does she do?

Yes?

And she works at the college that is in my town. I live in a fucking college town.

Cool? Very cool?

Uh?

Did I did I ask her already? How long you two have been together?

No, we've been together for about four almost five years something like that.

Four five years. So you have a six year old?

Right?

Yes?

So is that with her?

Uh? It is my stepchild actually, but I've been raising her since she was real young, so I just consider her mind.

Okay, So it's her. So you have.

H I have the twin boys.

You have the twin boys, and then she has a child from another uh thing?

Yeah, and that was a that was a whole ship show. But we're not going to get into.

That, okay, A right, sure, sure, and this but this is this So from the way it sounds sounds like you've been raising this kid for uh since she was like born and she calls you she's a you're like her dad. Yeah yeah, okay, cool cool cool.

Hm hm.

You sound like you have a pretty nice life. Yeah.

Yeah, it's it's gotten better and it's gotten better. I've done a lot of dumb ship, but I'm making up for it now.

I feel like, uh so, yeah, tell me more if you want, ah ship. H.

I used to do a lot of acid, and I think that's a big cause of why I can't smoke weed anymore, because there what's that ship called HPPD where you do way too much hallucinogen?

Yeah yeah yeah, and you have you get like visual snow Oh yeah yeah.

I think I got a little bit of that, and that fucks with me from time to time. I don't do hallucinogens anymore. That god fuck that.

Mm hmm.

Do you do you do? You miss doing acid a lot?

I miss cocaine mm hmm, but uh, how long ago?

What do you miss about cocaine?

Being high?

Sou Okay, Well that's cool. Uh yeah, you're.

You.

I don't really you know. I don't know you, but you sound uh like you sound like you're like living like pretty responsibly, and that it took you like a while to uh get there, and that you're like sacrificing a lot to be able.

To Yeah, you're pretty you're pretty much on it. I don't like to, uh think very highly of myself, but yeah, you're pretty much on it. You're pretty much nailing it right there.

Yeah, that's that's just armchair therapy. But I respect that. I have a lot of respect for that, because you I'm gonna just keep making assumptions about your life. You sound like problem. You sound like you overcame a lot of like your natural conditioning in order to uh achieve higher life objectives, and I sincerely I have a deep ah respect for that. So you know, he that.

Means more to me than you could ever know. I'm a huge fan. I've been watching for a while.

Yeah. Is that has that been hard?

Not really? No, Honestly, it came pretty easy. I think there came a point in my life where it's just like, man, I need to grow the fuck up.

Mm hmm.

Mm hmm.

Do you think do you think you'll you'll be able to sustain this for the for the future. Oh yeah, yeah, that's great, that's awesome.

Do you have.

Do you have any advice for me?

Nick Ship? I know you seem depressed a lot. Yesterday I was in the chat and I was like, are you depressed, kick, because I think I am too.

Yeah. I think I don't. I get depressed pretty often. I'm just my number one figure out. I'm yeah, but I'm obsessed with figuring out how to not be and I'm getting I think I'm getting really close. So I'll let you know. When I figure out the meaning of life, I'll try to pass it on to you. Yeah.

I also have an eating problem, like you talk about. I eat like shit so bad.

Yeah.

Yeah, my kids don't. My kids are always eating real healthy and then they see me eat some garbage and they're just like, dad.

Come on, that's good. I like, you know what, That's the funny thing, because sometimes I think to myself, I'm like, is having kids? Is there a version of it where you're like you get to a certain age and you're like, all right, I fucked up this human being whose body I currently inhabit. Let me just blank slate and let's try again with the human being that's not me and I can we can not fuck this up, you know.

Yeah, like I just made them a whole bunch of pasta with like veggies and stuff in it, and then they just watched me like six corn dogs to the face and they're just like, Dad, come on, get your life right.

That sounds like a right life to me. Is there anything else would I say to the to the people of the computer before we go.

Nick, I love you get I hope my call wasn't boring.

No, you're you're keep keep keep keep doing your thing. Dog.

Well, yeah, I hope I make it on the podcast. Actually, I'm not sure. That's kind of terrifying thought.

I'm put I'm putting this in the pot. This is you tell this is the podcast. This is the podcast, all right?

Yeah?

Later. I liked that guy. I don't you know, he clearly cared about his kids enough to give them food. So that's I think that's a that's a noble quality to have.

I have.

I had a lot of respect for that guy. I do he you know, he's making it's hard to make his it's hard to make that life that he's making work is a life that sounds really hard to make work. And I have I have a I have a lot of respect for that Hello.

Oh hi, this is too stressful. Hi.

What is what is your name?

Oh?

I'm hasty, say that one more time, hasty Hespy?

Yeah yeah, that was good.

Yeah, what's up, Hesp? How you doing well?

I'm going fine. I guess a little bit too stressed. I think my whole body is shaking. So I'm trying to realize.

Where are you calling from?

Oh I'm calling from the Netherlands.

Oh, you're calling from the Netherlands. Oh, I've been. I've been massively, massively dick riding the Netherlands lately. I love, I love the Netherlands. I'm gonna I'm gonna dick ride it some more. I love it's walkable, it's got great architecture, it's got great greenery. It's uh, it's it's awesome. Where in the Netherlands do you live?

Well, I live up in the north, so it's a city, like it's kind of a small city called home again. And actually I'm a student here, so I've been living here for like two years.

Now. Cool bro, Are you from there originally?

Oh? No, I'm from Iran Oh Iran.

Oh cool dude, where where where? Where on around did you grow up?

Oh?

And she does it's kind of like mixed south West. I want to.

Say, And what you said? You went there for you? You came to the Netherlands for school. Yeah, well, what year are you in?

Well, I remember my second year of bachelors. But I did three years of bachelors in Iran and then I dropped out. I did three years of mechanical engineering and then I moved here to do a.

Jeez, did you just like come by yourself? Did you know anyone? Yeah?

By myself, not knowing anyone. It was kind of scary. It was like, now thinking about it, looking back, I don't know how the fuck I did that.

But yeah, that's cool. So what tell me about what kind of life you've been able to build for yourself the past couple of years.

Well, okay, so when I came here, I lived in a house, I mean in a room. I had fifteen housemates and I had a room that was like nine square meters for about like six seven months because it was the cheapest option I could get. And then luckily I got like now, I got a studio, which is kind of better, and I had a really good housemates. So I'm still in contact with them. We kept in touch yeah, I have a boyfriend now and oh my god, my voice is shaking.

Yeah is he is?

He? Is?

He?

Is?

He a tall, beautiful blonde dutch Man.

Oh no, no, well he's ethnically from at all, and but he grew up here and he was born here.

So cool, very cool? Are you?

So?

Are you enjoy Are you enjoying life?

I don't know. I feel like not as much as I should, Okay, because like I had this opportunity, and I feel like I'm having like a mid life crisis. I mean not really mid life, it's like a quarter life crisis. And yeah, so I was a really depressed and anxious when I moved here. I got into this really deep depression and I figured out that it was burnt out. So now this is a healing process.

I guess it's good. I'm really I just very selfishly, I'm really bummed to hear that you're anxious and depressed, because for me, when I get anxious and depressed, my one of my like defense mechanisms is like, fuck all this, I'm just gonna I imagine life in what where I've moved to a foreign country and abandoned all I ever was, including you know, anxiety and depression, and in my head,

I know, I know, But the thing is that I also thought that I'm going to run away from everything, like run away from my depression and anxiety and everything when I leave it all. But then the thing is that you bring everything with yourself. You know, if you're the problem, you're going to be the problem everywhere. Yeah, so you just find like new angles of love life to be depressed about.

Well that's great.

Yeah, I'm sorry to push your dream.

Sorry, it had to happen. It had to happen at some point.

Yeah. So in Amsterdam by the way.

Oh, you're coming to the Amsterdam Show.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I can make it there because it's just like I have to take the train from here to two hours and I have to pay for the train. And also it's the same day as my birthday, so there's going to be some plans here. I'm not sure if I'm going to make it, but I'll.

Try my best. Well, what are you doing for your birthday?

Yeah, I'm not sure. Usually we just go out for dinner and I get my birthday presents and stuff.

Well that's I mean, it sounds like you have like a nice little community out there enough enough that you can, you know, do a birthday.

Yeah. Yeah, I have a few friends and a boyfriend.

That's good. So tell me more about your healing. What are you doing to heal? Well?

I go to Serpi sometimes twice a week, which is crazy, I know. And other than that, it's just that I learned to do sometimes the bare minimum and allow myself to, you know, to like some days not do shit and be okay with that. And it was a real difficult for me. I don't know why, but like I have an Islam tomorrow and the whole day I was thinking that, oh I have to get a ten for that example is out of Oh well, I'm just like trying to remember that I just need to fucking pass, Like I

I resonate with that so deeply, I really do. I think that there's a weird I know it's like misconstrued is laziness, and I've battled with it myself, but I'm so I so deeply resonate with trying just being like, let me just do the bare minimum so I don't go insane. Yeah, I resonate with that a lot. I've

You know what, Okay, that's good. The pressure to be interesting, and.

I thought so much, you're no, you're being I don't know, I don't people. I don't care about people being interesting. I just care about them being themselves, you know. So, I mean you are inherently in an interesting Uh, situation, So what's the Well, actually I wanted to ask you that. What did I didn't ask you this is was there a specific thing that you wanted to talk to talk talk about in this situation, in this phone call. It's okay if not. There's other stuff too.

I didn't want to talk about anxiety about the stuff that that is, Like, I know it's out of my control, but I'm still anxious about it. Like I keep trying to tell myself, Yeah, I thought of I can not do anything about it, but it still affects my life.

Oh yeah, I mean accept I feel like like acceptance is a it's not like a one time deal as much as you want it to be. It's a recurring practice.

So I just have to keep telling myself I set my control and one day it would be fine.

Oh I can't tell you if one day it will be fine. I don't have that data. Uh, but I but I can. Really, I can only speak from my personal, uh experience with trying to accept that things will be fine. All I can say is that yet it's a recurring you have to kind of consistently reinforce to yourself that you're going to be okay. You know, it's not just a thing that you decide once and it's forever there. It's like a it's like changing your fucking what's like

But like, let me give you an example. Yeah, for example, let me so, I'm kind of like currently, I'm kind of worried about like the situation. I don't want to get like into politics and stuff, but it's just like the situation that oh, is it's gonna be a war there or not in it on And like my family lived there, and I'm still getting money from my family, Like I cannot support myself completely even when I like to work here, so they send me money sometimes and

By the way, give me a favorite. Are you holding your hand over the microphone or anything like that? You're a tiny bit muffled.

Oh no, I feel like I'm just like too stressed that like my voice is shaking and the words are not no no.

No, no, no, no no the words. The words are definitely getting out. Well oh man, Well, first of all, I'm really really sorry to hear that that's uh that's going on. I feel like I can't. I don't think I could realistically sit here and tell you, uh that the way to deal with your your family being in a war zone is to, uh, you know, do some breathing exercises, because I don't. I don't know if I that's the thing, but you say it makes all your like day day to day life feel more insignificant. Yeah,

No? Not really because like now I'm like, why would I take care of myself? Like I don't know even the smallest Like I cannot sometimes get out of bed because like what am I going to do to fix anything? Like nothing I do matter?

I don't know.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I feel like that was like too heavy.

No, No, I don't you know, you know, don't be sorry. These are I will I'm making the I'm making those noises because uh, I mean you're talking about some real ship and I you're just making me think about the these things are interesting to think about, hmmar.

Like because I get anxious about my daily life, like like I don't know even about the like stupid choices, you know, Like if I get anxious about it, it means that it's important to me. At the same time, I feel like it's not important enough for me to do anything about it. But why do I get anxious to it? So it's just like I cannot even tell what's happening in my brain right now, you know, let.

Me actually play with this a little bit because I've been thinking about this in my own thing. I also often think, like what's the point of giving a fuck about my life? Uh? Because there's so many things of control, and because like, what's the there's greater, there's there's more important things going on in the in the like world at large besides just like fucking me, So why do I matter? And why is my happiness matter? And what's

It is interesting, like to intentionally of deciding that this is my life when I'm gonna do something about it. I don't know if I Yeah, I was like for a long time, I was in the state that like I didn't even care enough about myself to decide that for myself. So I was kind of like, whatever happens happened. But maybe now I'm in a more I don't know, I'm in a better place to decide about what.

I'm is weed legal where you're at. Do they still have those weed cafes?

Oh yeah, yeah yeah, coffee shoo.

That's cool. See in the States, I was just gonna say, in the States, like weed is legal, but there's no like coffee shot. Like in Amsterdam, you can buy a joint and then hang out at the place and smoke it. But in LA or New York or any or Denver even it's like you there's no like lounges or like there there are lounges, but you can't buy weed at the lounges. If you like buy it a store and then go into the lounges. Unfortunately, I'm only in Amster.

Yeah, I've never like stayed at Amsterdam more than like one or two days.

But it is cool.

But dude, I want to tell you this. I worked at a coffee shop for like a few weeks.

Oh cool.

Yeah, it was nice, Like there's a lounge and you can also buy it there, so it's fun.

I remember the first time I went to Amsterdam. I went to one of those coffee shops. Was the coolest fucking thing ever. And they I just remember them having like I remember they handed me a menu and on the menu it was a selection of different milkshakes you could get, and then a selection of different like joints you could buy. And I was like twenty and I was like, this is the coolest place I've ever been in my entire fucking life.

Yeah. Anyway, And the sad thing is I don't smoke, so.

That's good. It's pretty bad for you. What's your name again? Hasty? Well, Hesty, thanks for sharing all this stuff. And I hope, uh, I hope you're doing all right.

Life is kind of crazy for all the advice talking to you.

Anything else do I say to the people of the computer before we go?

H oh no? Nothing?

No, well, I don't think so see you later, dog.

Okay, have a nice name.

Do I have any post call thoughts? Uh? Yeah, I don't know. Have I Have I gotten too serious? I mean we're kind of past that point. I don't think. I don't think there's any turning back. Has this show gotten too serious? Have I gotten too serious? I wonder that too times Sometimes I wonder if I've like become too sincere, because I don't think I ever set out

Hello, Hello, can you hear me?

All right? I can. What's your name?

My name's Orlan Orland?

What's up Orlon? Have we ever talked before?

I don't think so?

Okay, cool man? Well, what what's what's going on with you? Orlon?

Currently at McDonald.

You're currently at.

Yeah, what do you did?

What are you doing that for the night?

Picking up some trash food for the night?

Oh?

What's you have? Any big plans for the night?

No, just been, uh, doing a lot of schoolwork lately. Thanks you too, Just doing a lot of school work lately, unfortunately.

What what are you in school for?

Cybersecurity?

Okay, you're keeping the the Internet safe. That's really It's a noble thing.

Yes, is there anything I'm getting the job where I am like actively defending against hackers.

Oh that's cool. That's that's that's kind of It's an interesting it's an interesting thing being on the computer. You know, it's an interesting thing being on the computer. Is there anything you wanted to talk about specifically orlan? Yeah?

I could use some advice on finding irl friends. I literally only have virtual friends.

How old are you?

I'm twenty six.

Uh do you go outside? Do you leave the house.

Other than work?

No? Okay? What do you do when you get off of work?

School? Or video games? I do stream on Twitch myself.

Well what city do you live in?

Blint?

Flint in Michigan. Yeah, how is there? Is there happenings in Flint? Are there things you can go to and do or organize?

Well, that's the thing. I'm not even from Michigan. I've just moved here a couple of years ago from after dating a girl online, not over Facebook for six months. Well, I mean we talked for like a month and then she came down from Michigan to Columbus, Ohio like every other week, ant and I saw the commitment, so I pulled the trigger and yeah this I've been here two and a half years.

Do you know anyone at influence.

Nope, just my girlfriend.

Okay, Well, why don't you go do whyn't you leave your house man and go do stuff?

I mean, like sometimes like I have a cool neighbor I talk to and like we smoke sometimes together. But like, I don't know, like I clam up and I feel like a lot of the awkward pauses that are being taken in the conversation are like due to my lack of input, and I don't really like I feel like I lose the interests of other people.

You feel like you lose the interest of other people interesting, Well, how do you feel like you could be better in social interactions?

I mean, I don't know if I have like aspergers or something. Like I'm starting to believe I do have autisms because there are specific things I focus on. I don't really like loud noises, like like sudden loud noises kind of make me upset. And I don't know, I feel like I don't really read people that well, and my go to is claming up, thinking that I'm not

Let me, let me, let me, you know, let me get Let me ask you a question. Are you interested in your neighbor? Do you find your neighbor interesting?

I mean, yeah, kind of looks cool, he's got cool, he's uh, he's got a really cool muscle car.

Okay, do you let me tell you? Let me let me. Here's the thing about social interactions. Is there really less about proving if you just the onus of proving yourself to be interesting to other people is not is not a good way to go about your conversational life.

You know.

The best way for you to have social interactions is to just be is actually the complete opposite. It's to just be interested in other people. Now, I don't know if you're naturally are interested in other people. I assume because you want friends and you want to be around people more often, that you are naturally in other people.

So first be interested and then second fall into natural flow.

Yeah, man, I don't think. I don't think a good conversation is about proving that you're cool.

Uh.

I understand where that's where that comes from, and I understand why that is something that uh plugues can plug, can plug your brain. And I've definitely had it interactions where I felt that way, and maybe there is a little bit of that in there, sure, but like at least eighty percent of it is just being naturally curious and interested in other people and kind of things I think flow flow through that.

So let me tell you this, what things should I be like looking at to be interested in somebody? Because like I was trying to say, was that I mean, I am lonely to the extent of not having friends, but I don't know how to be interested in other people really. I mean, like I have interest like video games and stuff like that. So I guess if we talk about common things, but I don't know this person, how do they know what's common? And then I just feel like I'm ewing out word vomit.

Well, I mean, you don't know this person, how I know if it's common. I mean you get to know people by asking them questions and showing an interest in they're a lot lives. True, But and it's Okay, here's the thing, and I like the question of well, it should come from an authentic place. I mean, do you have are you do you? Are you interested in other people in their lives?

I mean some people, but very specific people. Okay, I guess that is kind of selfish. It's coming from a selfish No, I.

Never I never said it was selfish. I don't think it's selfish, and I don't think you should think it's selfish either. That I'm just trying to kind of, I guess, tap into whatever is authentic about your your brain and your interactions with other people.

Yeah, I mean like I mean even like playing video games online. Like I have a hard time continuing the conversation beyond video games. But I want you.

Want Okay, great, you want to. That's a that's a genuine, authentic desire of yours is to continue the conversation beyond video games. What how do you want to continue the conversation beyond video games? What do you want to You said you want to continue your conversations beyond video games? What do you Where do you want to go?

I mean a go to would be like asking them where they're from.

Cool, But like.

I don't know, maybe I don't know, but.

You've identified, but you've identified a natural desire that you want to take your conversations that you're having with somebody about something like video games, and you you have a genuine desire to take it further.

Yeah.

Yeah, so just follow. I I really I mean it. I think you should just follow wherever that genuine desire takes you. Does that make sense? Does that make sense? Yeah? Okay, great, I'm happy it does because I really I really feel that way. So yeah, and just like, yeah, don't don't freak out about whether or not you're presenting yourself as the coolest guy in the world. Okay, I mean, you.

Know, I always want to brag about myself, I guess because I mean I do cool things. But like, I was a chef for a while, I worked for a master chef.

Mm hm m hmm.

But I feel like that's like very selfish of me talking about myself like that.

I wouldn't the way you're saying it's selfish is making it out like you're like there's something like negative or evil about you, which isn't is it was isn't true. You know, I don't know why I said evil. Evil seems like a staunch word, but it just I didn't like that you were saying that it was selfish because I didn't think it was. You have a genuine desire. You want to get to know people on a deeper level,

Absolutely?

Yeah?

Could I ask you maybe one more question if you don't mind.

Yeah.

So I often try to engage with other people on Twitch, other streamers and stuff like that. Mm. But then I find myself feeling like I'm like, I don't know, like being a nuisance on their stream by typing and being like one of the top chatters typing like everything, you know what I mean? Mm hmm. Do you think that's that's the same scenarios. I'm just like, I'm coming from a place that isn't the best mind space.

Well, with streamers, it's weird because it's a really one sided interaction.

Yeah, I mean they don't They're not like expressively saying that I'm being a nuisance other than joking with me.

But I mean, do you get well again, it's a really one sided around. I mean, to be totally honest with you, every time I read, even if it's on my own thing, anytime, I'm like like I'm looking at I look at Instagram or YouTube or whatever, and you see comments. I'm always like, who are these people? Who are these people who are like talking? I know everyone in my comments section is now going to reference me saying this, but I'm like, who are these people talking?

Just interaction? Really? I mean, I'm not looking for followers or anything like, I just trying to create, like be a part of their community.

Really, you're trying to interact with the other chatters.

Well, rarely do I interact with the other chat It's more I'm making comments and they're reading it. Type shit and then like I don't, like I feel like I'm I am disconnected with chat often.

I feel what was the initial thing that you want that you were asking about this or reason why you wanted to bring this up or talk about it. Yeah, not having like.

The best tools to have friends and stuff like that. I mean, like I happen to discord and I have I talk to other people that are that stream, that are in the community and stuff. But like, I mean, I don't really know, like what do I even how do I even call out somebody else in the chat and then start trying to make a connection with them.

Well, what do you want? Man? Do you want? Do you want to be around more people in real life or in in flint or do you want to have online buddies? Like what would your ideal scenario be?

More friends?

Probably not relying on having one friend that I play games with.

M I mean, I think the twitch discords a little different from if you're in the ears of the If you're like on Twitch talking to a twitch streamer trying to like get their attention for like a form of genuine connection, I don't think that's a good idea. But if you're in like, but you could go to the discord channel of a twitch streamer and start talking to the people in the who are also watch the streamer and maybe, you know, get some interaction like that. But again, I would.

Really trying to tag somebody in chat and make a conversation midst.

Yeah, but dude, really, I don't know what. I don't know what the landscape of Flint, Michigan looks like these days. But if you can do, do your best to try to get out of the house and meet some folks in real life.

All right, all right, I appreciate the advice.

Man, Yeah, of course. Man. Well, thanks, thanks for sharing all this stuff with me and uh trusting me to fucking talk about it. Thank you. Sorry, I'm sorry I talked over you. I'm sorry I talked over you earlier, but I was there was a second where I was like, I just need to get this thought out and I need to talk over you to do it. So thanks for bearing with me.

No, no, thank you, I appreciate everything.

Is there anything else you wus say to the people of the computer before we go?

I love this community, Bill, and I hope you never stop doing.

What you do.

Gack, Thank you, brother. I appreciate it. You enjoy enjoy your McDonald's.

I will, I will shove it down my throat. Thank you, tak did have a night bye?

You know, I don't know. I don't know. I don't I don't get you. I don't get comments. Every time I see comments, I get I read. I read my YouTube comments. Part of me thinks I shouldn't because it's like obsessive, I guess, to just sit there and read stuff about yourself. Uh, But I don't. But I like, but I do with I work a lot on making these podcasts, and so I want to I want to