ANTHONY FANTANO GIVES ADVICE AS A GECKO

Hey, folks, this is Lyle. In twenty twenty three, I'm going on tour to do my Therapy Gecko podcast live in several cities across the US, UK, Europe, Australia and Canada. Click the link in the episode description to sign up for my email list and get notified when tickets go on sale. Okay, let's get into the episode. Anthony Fantana Lyle. How's life?

It's going pretty good? Good?

What's going good about it today?

I'm excited to be here. I'm excited to be here. I'm excited to be in a different place. Excited to take some time this weekend to hang out with some content creators that I enjoy. I don't often get the chance to do that. I sort of live in the sticks mostly and just kind of keep to myself and my albums.

Have you always been like that, like kind of kept to yourself.

I've had I've had a very small circle of friends. Okay, you know over the years.

Has that been like an intentional thing.

I'd say it was more just by just just the way things panned out. I think just kind of having a little social anxiety and just very niche interests in a place where like you know that that isn't necessarily like a hotbed of music culture sort of like you know, inevitably puts you in that place where you're probably not going to be commiserating with a whole lot of people. Often.

Is music, like I mean, is this music the main thing that kind of connects you to other people?

It's definitely one of the main things it can be. I mean, I think a lot of that has changed over the years. My friends circle these days is a lot bigger and wider and better and healthier than it's been in the past.

When you were a kid, like in middle school, in high school, you have a lot of friends.

Again, I would say, like a handful of close friends. Yeah, I mean I knew a lot of people and was friendly with a lot of people. But in terms of like people, I consider myself close with those probably few and far between.

And like now that you're like you said, like kind of living like doing your own thing, how often do you or if ever, do you get it a little hit of like I should go out into the universe.

Much more often? Okay, I would say maybe at least like every other week, or at least once a week.

What do you think is the main catalyst of that that paying to want to make you leave the house and go do things.

I think there was a couple of things. I mean, it was definitely like maybe hitting an emotional rock bottom due to the due to isolation that was happening in

Yeah. Yeah, I sometimes it's hard because, like I don't know if you get this one. Were like, you hang out with a lot of people and that can make you have like a weird depression and then you isolate and you have weird depression and you have you get to like balance too.

Yeah, it's I think, like, you know, you want to have a you want to have a wide, healthy amount

What kinds of people do you like find yourself drawn to personally?

I really don't know the type. It's just really kind of like, you know, I guess, I guess. I guess I trend toward openness. If you could be open with me in the way that I can be open with you, then I think there's, like, you know, cause for or continuing to communicate. If you're closed off, you're not sharing, and maybe you're even closed minded. I feel like there's only so far that can that can go.

Do you not like talking about yourself?

No?

I do, but with select people, Okay, I actually love talking about myself and things that I'm experiencing. And going through but again in select context and with select people. Sure, they're searchings that I have that we'll send each other twenty thirty minute voice notes. Really yeah, what of just stuff we're going through. Yeah, yeah, it actually kind of like in a way, I mean, I do go to therapy,

They are, they are. It's it's hard, I guess when you like are interacting with so many people on the internet, and like especially if you're like a plugged in guy, like really comprehending that people like it's a weird type of relationship that people like don't know you, You don't really know them, but there's like.

They feel like they know you.

Yeah. Yeah, it's weird. Sometimes I'll like, you know, find myself talking about myself on my stream and like almost using it like therapeutically in that way. It's like a mutual benefit type of thing.

I think that's good, and I think given the community and the brand that you've built, it makes sense, you know, I think I think it's a good thing. I mean, you've literally built your brand about sharing your feelings and being open with them. Yeah, and not that I've necessarily built my brand in antithesis to that, you know, it just so happens that in my line of work there's a lot of animosity towards me, yes, for having different

How genuine like the animosity that you receive, how genuinely hostile is it? Because when you're talking about like music opinions, I would assume it's like, how like different people like their football teams get into arguments, but they don't like actually fucking hate each other. You know, to what degree do you experience the end I'm alsosly being sincerely hostile.

It ranges, like, I mean, I don't want to get into too much detail, because I feel like sometimes when you talk about these things and sort of like bring them up, it tends to incentivize more psychopaths to kind of engage in the same behavior. But it ranges from a tweet where it's like, hey, you suck, I fucking hate you too, things that if I knew where the person lived who did what they did, they could be criminally charged. Oh okay for attempting what they attempted to do.

That's that's pretty hostile.

Yeah, So again it ranges, and you know, it's like I never know which one I'm going to get. Thankfully, the things that you know have been to the extreme are very very few and far between, to the point where I'm not necessarily like fearing for my life or anything.

Do you have any part of you that enjoys playing like a heel role of any kind, even if it's a slight thing.

I'm like, I'm just unapologetic about it. I wouldn't say

So you like to like yeah more than I love to love to like yeah. Okay, but you also but you also want to be honest.

I also want to be honest, and I also kind of want to at least to a degree, because I see what I do is sort of like, you know, it's it's in service of the audience at the NBA, and you know there's going to be albums that they want me to review that I'm just not that into.

Honestly, what's been the most persistent thought on your mind lately?

Just just maintaining my own mental stability and prioritizing my own happiness.

What do you What do you do to maintain mental stability?

Eat right, exercise, Yeah, spend time with people who care about me. I think my my resolution for this year is has has been. If you're adding to my life, I'm adding you to my life. If you're subtracting from it, you're getting subtracted from my life.

I want to know, like would you consider yourself like like a workaholic or like you like really definitely, Like there's a weird thing I think when you're in that position where like you think that peace is attained from doing the best you can all the time at the work, and then like it's actually when you I wouldn't. I haven't done this yet, but when you slow down and start to take care of yourself. That's what people tell me, is when you start to actually feel that happiness that

I'm pretty good about my physical health as much as possible. It's really sort of like that that lack of social ability that sometimes I'm not as conscious of as I should be, which again I've been a lot better about. But I mean as far as the workaholic stuff. My

Where do you see yourself when you're like retired and retirement, Yeah, that's.

That's what I'm thinking, Like, I don't know if I want to be there, Like I feel like when I retire, I do actually want to retire. However, it's like I still want to spend time doing things that I like. I guess the problem is that whenever I'm doing an activity I enjoy, I tend to get so passionate about it that the amount of effort I put into.

It becomes cars work.

Yeah, yeah, whether that be like maybe if I decided to, well, I'm just gonna make music, Right, if I decide my retirement plan was I'm just gonna make music for fun, I probably would end up focusing on it to the point where it would just become work or you know, recently, a fun thing that I've been getting into is I've been doing indoor rock climbing stuff. And you know, I mean,

Or you should get everything, so for all, every time you engage with the thing, it ultimately becomes like an obsession.

Right exactly. Yeah, yeah, Yeah, I definitely have like a you know, something is like a new interest. I have like a kind of a fiery passion for it, and I want to dive into it and sort of like go like go hard, you know, And I do have to, you know, sort of like like again with the rock climbing stuff, like I've been doing better lately about sort of like going only maybe a few days a week and kind of just taking the progress slowly as it comes. I tend to like speed run everything.

You tend to speed run everything.

Yeah, Like like whenever I'm crazy, you're passionate about something, I have to learn to do it or learn about it as fast as I possibly can.

Why do you think you tend to speed run everything?

Because I have ADHD and I hyper focus on ship.

And that's been a thing for your like whole Like can you can you remember from like childhood.

Like anything especially, Yeah, but like into adulthood it's different stuff. But I've only been diagnosed as recently as thirty six, so I've only been aware of it for a short amount of time recently.

This tendency to speed run. Has it manifested itself primarily in positive ways or negative ways?

I'd say both. I mean the positive way is that I inadvertently built my entire life around the one thing that I could obsess over endlessly for hours and hours and hours little to no break.

Then what's the negative You lose track of.

Time, you know, sort of like forget to prioritize certain things that you probably should be prioritizing.

What do you what do you think is the most important thing in your life? Like the most important kind of avenues? Run that question by may like the most important avenues in your life? What is a priority to you?

At this point, I would say, like, uh, I mean obviously my work, but you know it's it's not so much just for the effort of enjoying it or getting anything out of it personally, but it's more like, how can this sort of like serve the goals of myself and my loved ones long term, so that everybody sort of like cool and like taking care of if anybody needs anything, you know, Like that's kind of where the

And are you feeling as though you're doing a good job lately at achieving those goals? So you're qualified to talk to callers about how they might also achieve what is going on with them?

If that's the question.

If that's a question, No, no, No, I don't think I think we're qualified to sit here and gecko costumes and talk to strangers from the internet.

Yeah, I think so.

Would you like to do that?

I would love to do that.

Hello, Ryan, Hi, how's it going?

Ryan? Where are you right now?

I'm in my car right now.

I'm trying to get to a to a parking spot so I can talk to you better.

Yeah, talk to us safely. Ryan.

Where are you on your way to?

I'm I'm just gonna drive to the nearest grocery store. I'm just trying to get out of my apartment at the moment so I can talk to you in some privacy.

Is something going out of the apartment.

Well, my ex girlfriend is there right now, and I'm just trying to avoid that situation.

So why are you still living with your ex?

We've been together for six years and she's she seems to think that we just need therapy and we'll get better and problems happen. But I'm I'm feeling that we've had too many issues and the issues just continue to happen. We're just kind of growing a part. But we uh, we discovered this about two months into resigning another year lead. So ah, we're we're still tied.

Up in that.

Okay, I don't want to you know, have you put words in the mouth of your X, because obviously you can't necessarily speak to things from her perspective, but you know, from your own point of view, what are your points of disagreement or contention that make you feel like, even if we do go to therapy, this isn't going to work. Like what in your mind is the unsolvable problem that isn't going to change that you know that that it only makes sense to walk away from at this point.

Yeah, so I guess it's more along the lines.

I don't feel I can continue to build trust with her. For the last three or so years, she's spent pretty sick and so she lost a lot of weight. She wasn't working, and I was kind of having to take care of her myself and our dog ally all by myself. And instead of her spending that time like fully bettering.

Herself, she was getting attention from other guys and spending her time doing that. And I just I don't feel that I can get back to a place where I trust that she won't do that.

In the future. Has in talking to her about this, has she tried to change behavior, has she shown remorse? Has she you know, do you feel like any kind of openness from her on this topic specifically, We don't need to go to other things that you feel like are maybe you know, huge issues, like you know, is there anything that she's given you in terms of like a hint of like you know, this will change if we do this or do that, or stick with this in some way or do this kind of therapy.

Yes, but it's happened in the past, the same the same kind of answers and the same changes happen. So I just see it as like a big pattern at this point.

Okay, so it's a pattern. Yeah, it's a pattern. It's the straw that brokes the camel's back. You know, you're feeling like this is something that will continue to go on. I mean, I guess I would consider getting back into it if you felt like there was some kind of

I was eighteen.

Yeah, you're six years older now, you're deeper into your twenties. You have a better sense and understanding of yourself than you did at eighteen. And on top of that, what are personally your standards or desires or wants or goals out of life? And a romantic relationship are completely changed. Most people when they start relationships when their teenagers are, whether they like it or not, are are fucking around and learning the rules of the road. When it comes

And then to go along sorry here, no, no, go ahead?

Go ahead? Uh?

To go along with that. I've been trying to kind of distance myself and open up, and I just I feel completely out of place not giving her or somebody like my complete focus. I feel super weird going to the grocery store alone. I feel weird going to the gym alone. I don't feel comfortable like being alone. And so it's that's what's making the situation even tougher, because.

I don't you guys, you guys would like do everything together.

Yeah, pretty much like I didn't focus on anything besides her. If we were doing a hot I feel.

Like it wouldn't that make this, you know? Is I understand that there's there's a fear to that, but there's also an excitement at this new opportunity that you have to go out and build that skill, which is a skill that you cannot live without.

Right, really an incentive honestly, like you know, we we've reached the point where, I mean, even without any kind of confirmation from Alislea orright, it sounds like you kind of already have it in your mind that this is not working and that you don't want to continue to keep pushing this. And honestly, that's bad in its own way, as you've just kind of posed here in so many words. How it's bad in another way is that you're potentially putting yourself at a disservice or you're doing yourself a

Right, Can I ask you if what about being alone is scary to you?

I everything kind of. I I enjoy being alone, like in my car because it's like a small space. But if I'm like in the store. I feel like everybody is watching me, and I'm just I'm gonna mess up somehow.

I mean, as you kind of transition, assuming you do transition, you know, into a single hood, there is going to be a degree to which you're just gonna have to get used to that. But simultaneously, especially as you kind of work through such an emotionally trying time, there's nothing wrong with not wanting to be alone. I feel like that fear is natural and it's normal and it's rational.

I agree, I think you could benefit a lot from kind of broadening your your solutions to your to your loneliness problems, you know, instead of just investing it all in, you know, being in this relationship that's not working for you.

And again you know specific specifically, you know, in terms of the grocery store thing that you're talking about, you must know other people who also need food. You can go to the grocery. You could do your grocery shopping as well with somebody who also goes to a grocery store in your area or a town over or whatever.

How do you feel hearing all of this? Ryan?

I feel like you've given me very good insight on the situation that I'm dealing with. It's helped a lot so so far, I'm really seeing seeing the light.

Listen before we go, where are you parked right now? Are you in?

Like, are you at the grocery store?

Are you right now?

So?

I am parked at an abandoned Albertson's that sometimes turns into one of those halloween stores Spirit Halloween. Yeah, yeah, it's but it's October.

You get your Halloween shopping done.

Yeah, that'd be a good Uh listen, go in there and grab yourself a Halloween costume and that can be your first excursion out there by yourself into a store.

I'll go do that. I'll go to uh hot topic or something by a costume.

Ryan, is there anything else you want to say? It's the people of the computer before we go.

No, I'm I'm good, Thank you guys.

Hey, take careon love you Ryan. How have you How are you with with being alone?

Depending on you know, I'm definitely the type of person who, uh, like my social battery runs out sometimes, yeah, and then I feel like I need a break. Yeah, kind of need some isolation, kind of need like a solo activity, play some bass play, some guitar play, some violin, something like that, you know, watch some silly internet videos, you know, or you know. My work usually entails being alone, so sometimes I'll just do that.

It's it's hard on this podcast. I feel like we get so many like young people who are like very similar to Ryan, where it's like, you know, I was in this relationship when I was really young, and then you know, I don't know if it's still serving me. And they it's a tough thing because then they get out and then they have problems like just being alone,

Yeah, specifically in regards to the relationship things. Sometimes you have young people who are bouncing around from relationships relationship to relationship, very volatile, in a very volatile fashion. Yeah, and seemingly they can't even commit to anything. But then you have people who sort of like, we'll commit to something really hard, really long term for maybe like the

Right, you know, I got a question for you. Why do you think virtually, like almost all music at least, like when you look at like popular music, it's all about love, it's all about sex, and it's all about romance. Why do you think that is?

I mean, in terms of the most popular music, I think I mean most popular music gets to the level that it does just based on its appeal, you know how widely it appeals and one of the most widely us things. Romance literally transcends language, you know, like what it is to be in love. Sure, cultures interpret these things differently, but in a lot of respects, what it means to be in love in California is you know, the same thing that it means to be in love

Right?

Then people who are like, you know, age twelve to twenty something.

Right right right? I feel like I don't know, there's something to me makes me feel like there's something about it makes me feel like young people will like rush into things just because there's this cultural sentiment that if you don't have romantic love in your life, it's like the number one thing and it is very important. Or it makes you a loser, right, or it makes you a loser or like I mean, you know, like you know, if you're not having sex, you're a loser. If you're

You know, yeah, I can. Yeah, I mean that that desire to stick to something that may not even be good for you can come from a lot of places, and that can definitely be one of them.

Let's talk to David from New York. Hello, David, you sound confused.

Okay, David, I'm just shocked to be on. How's it going good?

Good? How can we get you today? David?

Well, I'm having a problem with my cousin and my family, and I was hoping you could.

Help resolve it.

What's going on?

So my cousin and her husband are redoing their bathroom and one of the things that they need to change is their toilet. And so my cousin's husband and goes to home depot. He checks out all the toilets, He picks out one that he thinks is good whatever. Comes back home and my cousin is like, did you sit on the toilet at home depot? And he says no, And she gets frustrated with him because she's like, how could you buy a toilet that you didn't already sit on?

Well, die further and does what is her philosophy behind this? Like is she mad because he didn't even test it to see if it felt good or something or right?

The idea that, like, why you're bringing this toilet into your life that you're going to be using every day for several years, you should test it out before you make that big of a commitment. Is that it correct.

Pretty much. Yeah, And we ran it by a family and everyone was like, why would you sit on the toilet at the home depot? And I am on her side. I feel like you should try it out.

I mean, because it is a non functional toilet. It's only so far that you could try it out. Number one, number two. Toilets are made to a pretty specific set of parameters, especially if you're buying the sort of contractor grade stuff that's at home Depot. Like you, her husband did not go to a boutique sort of you know, bath remodel place. You know, there's which I've been to

Yeah, it's also the law has a philosophy about whether or not you are allowed to take off your clothes and sit in a toilet in public, right, and their philosophy is that you cannot.

Right and again at these at these sort of boutique you know bathroom remodel places. They have small bowl toilets, they have heavy and low flow, they have short tall they have short ones, they have tall ones, they have metal ones, they have porcelain ones. There's like a huge range, you know. But I imagine he got like a standard white porcelain that probably can flush a few golf balls, that sits relatively low. I mean, I can't imagine there was a huge range of options and comfortability.

You could have tried. They could have tried out the one that like the actual bathroom of the store, seeing if that one was good, and been like, can you just get me this one right? That way, he got to try it out beforehand. Also, I've never had I don't have you ever sat on a toilet that you had Have you ever sat on a toilet that you had a strong opinion about?

Yeah, like I had a bad experience on a toilet, Yeah, I feel like I don't.

I don't typically have strong opinions about my toilet experiences.

Jesus Christ.

I guess I have had some experiences in the past where like, I don't. I don't know if this was as a result of like maybe the bowl being shallow, maybe the water riding high. But I have had instances where like my nuts touch the water, okay, which is obviously not a great experience. You don't want your you don't want testicles having water contact.

Now that you bring it up, I'm kind of on the what of the cousin's wife's side, because if I bought a toilet again, that is a commitment that I'm gonna be having this toilet every day in my life for many years. And I sat down the first time to use that toilet and my nuts touch the water, I'd be like, fuck, I should have tried toilet play.

Toilets don't have water in them.

Though, there was no way to win this. You, Yeah, buying a toilet is truly a measure of faith.

Yeah, No, it's true. You think there are taking a bit of a risk because it's like, you know, some something like a toilet, there is going to be even if you do sit on it, there's good there's going to be a measure of unknowability until it's actually like in there with the water flowing and you're using it and you know it's it's actually being you know, it's you're taking that out on the road.

What did your cousin's wife suggest that he should have done.

Just sat on it.

Well, she she wanted him to sit on it. But like, my follow up question to that is, like, how accurate of a gauge can you get if you're wearing pants.

If you're wearing pants and on top of it and on top of it. A lot of your comfortability or a lot of the experience on a toilet has also to do with the toilet seat, because there's a whole wide range of different styles of toilet seats.

That yes, yes, yeah, yeah.

The same toilet experience. Your experience with the same toilet could be bad or great depending on what the seed is on top of.

It, right right, right, You could the seed is fungible, you can take it out, and the seed is not. The toilet's a commitment, but the seed is not, right ants.

Okay, that wasn't even part of the discussion. So I'm glad we.

Need to think about this.

This is the this is the first person in the history of the podcast that I'm one hundred percent sure we helped.

I know, I like you've really cleared things up for me today. I'm really appreciative.

Is there anything else you want to say to the people that compute it before we go.

David, I'm I'm just a big fan of both of you, and I'm glad I got to talk to you.

Thank you very much. Do you think your do you think your cousin? Do you think this problem could be alleviated maybe with the suggestion that, like, well maybe we could explore some different toilet set options. Do you think that would make your cousin happy?

H I'll have to pitch it. I'll see how it goes.

Pitch it, see how it goes.

Call us back, all right, I will. I appreciate it.

Thank you, take care of David. What kind what kind of toilet you riding on?

Not a fancy one?

Okay? Have you ever sat down? And there are some that have like I don't know what the material is, but there's some that are like they're hard, and then there are some that they have uh the kind of soft uh material where you sit and it's like a temper pedic where you like like the seat. Yeah, Matt's okay.

I remember those, but only at like when I was a kid, in at like my grandma's house or like you know, like an elderly person's house where you kind of have that cushion, you know. Yeah, I haven't. I haven't seen one of those in a long time.

It's funny you mentioned weirdly, now that I'm thinking about it, I've typically experienced the uh, those toilets at the homes of elderly people, right, But why is that.

Some softness?

Yeah?

Their butts are old and broken down. They need a bit of a when you're When you're young, you could you can get then you could have a you could have a set of spikes and you're fine, you know, But when you're eighty, you need a bit of a epillowy epilloy throat.

Oh god, let's talk to Morgan.

Let's do it.

Hello, Hi Morgan, how are you?

Oh my gosh, I'm good.

How are you?

I'm good. I'm here with Anthony Fantana. We're being geckos and talking to people on the phone. Uh, what's going on today?

Nothing much.

I was just kind of hanging out, caught your stream and then I don't know, I felt like i'd call in Morgan.

It says here that you stole a guy's Social Security card.

I did, I did?

Okay, do you wanna tell us why?

So?

Okay?

I didn't like Steel's like danity, but I don't know. We were we were going pretty steady. We were in a relationship for a little bit and then thanks for going great. You know, we were hanging out a lot. He introduced me to like all his friends, his family. She was she was great. We were vibing, and then like all of a sudden, he just like up and left like no.

Trace, like disappeared, just disappear.

Get a hold of him. Yeah, like like I could not get a hold of him for like forty eight hours on end, and I was like, oh, are you okay? Like I just wanted him to text me and be like, yo, I'm alive.

That's all I asked. Right, So if you didn't know where he was, how did you obtain his Social Security card?

Well here's okay, gets jessy, it gets a little juicy. So I didn't hear from him for about like three four weeks, like maybe a month, and I'm like, all right, well, this guy's just I hope he's alive.

Does he have social media or anything? Like? There was no trace of this man anywhere.

So he's like kind of he was like a kind of a hippie like doesn't. His Instagram doesn't have Facebook. He has snapshot.

That's it.

And did you were you aware of any updates since he disappeared?

No?

No, well, oh well he's alive.

He's fine here.

Okay.

So while we were after that, like I hadn't heard from him for a few weeks, I got like a text from his one friend because I had shit at his house. That doesn't really matter anyways, After like four weeks, he hit me at like I got drunk bad, but it was the day of my college graduation and I got down like three bottles of wine and I called him like ten times crazy. I know it sounds crazy, Okay, I'm sorry, but I hit him up and I was like, hey, come over, and he's like he replied, he was like, okay,

Come back to my apartment.

Sorry, that was what Robson say.

He like, damn, I.

Took pictures of his uh credit card. I took pictures of his social Security cards, like just in case he came back. And then basically it just turned out it was a huge inconvenience for him. He had to cancel all his credit cards. He had to cancel like everything. He lost his social Security card so like he couldn't get a passport and he was like trying to travel and shit. So I basically talked him and I feel really guilty all of a sudden, because.

Morgan, who no, go ahead?

Why do you feel guilty?

Because you know he's he's a good guy. He's a good guy, And that wasn't right of me. And today two years It's been about two years since that happened.

And he.

Hit me up today and apologized for ghosting me. And he just was like, I'm really sorry, Like I have a lot of guilt and I'm very remorseful about that. It's a weird time in my life. And I was like, wow, I'm sorry.

Now for kind of dialing back on the story a little bit. You were talking about the crossroads that you were at when he asked you where the wallet was. You said, this was a perfect opportunity. What was it a perfect opportunity to do? What was that an opportunity to do?

You know, in my mind in that moment, I think I felt like it was it was a good opportunity for like revenge because he ghosted me. You know, I just up and left. I'm like, that's I kind of.

It kind of suck.

Sound This sounds cliche, but I think I think the lesson here is that hurt people hurt people. You you were hurt, and legitimately not not to invalidate you being hurt. You know, this This is more of like a personal self check here, you know, because if you ever feel these feelings bubbling up in you again, you need to ask yourself because this is you know, you sound like a very nice person and this and you're feeling guilty about it. Now, this doesn't sound like the kind of

Kind of have to know what was like. So you took pictures?

All right?

Let me ask, by the way, do you still have these pictures?

So I have deleted them tonight because I have done a lot of growing and that definitely isn't my behavior, my normal behavior. I was surrounded by two of my best friends, and it was kind of like, you know, that's no.

Excuse, No, there wasn't.

Actually there was.

A little peer pressure, but not you know, Okay, it's the game time decisions.

I think deleting the pictures of your ex's credit card off your phone is a good step forward.

Good But I mean, I I could, I could see how those situations formulate where again, you're you're legitimately upset, and you have friends who are upset for you too, and their attitudes are like, well fuck that guy, d D, which again valid, valid, but but you don't want those feelings to push you in a place where you're doing anything like you're feeling right now that you end up regretting.

M hm.

There there's lots of ways to get that anger out other than doing something that you regret.

Yeah, And you know, I like what you said where you were like it is is a lesson, a lesson in that idea that hurt people. Hurt people because he goes to you because it's something going on with him, and then that upsets you. So you do this thing and then he gets upset that you did this thing, so he doesn't know it's just an end. It's an endless cycle until you, you know, really kind of sit down and go, why am I doing this again? Do you buy anything with the credit card?

So I was so tempted, but like I'm like, I could not. I have done nothing with it, Like honestly, I was. I was just so sad, Like I was just so upset, you.

Know, And what were you contemplating buying with the credit card?

You know, I was gonna buy something really stupid, like I think my first thought was like a you know, Amazon, sounds like fifty two gallon drums of lube or like just something so outrageous I was.

I was. I was having a text conversation with somebody who that that came up in conbo.

The giant fifty two gallon, the giant.

Drums of lube they sell on Amazon. Yeah, apparently they exist.

I like, how both of you had an experience with this fifty two gallon.

I share I shared a meme that had a picture of one of them and their reactions, and I didn't know what it was. You know, obviously there was like a reference to lube in it, but I didn't know what the hell that was in isn't that one of those giant gallon, you know, giant drums of lube they sell on Amazon. And he's like, is it.

So there's a second prong to this that I see you have told the call screener, Yeah, and this is it says that he does not know that you took his wallet, and you're wondering now that he is kind of confessed to you, whether or not you confess to him. What are your thoughts on that?

Morgan?

I think at this point, honestly he does not know. But honestly, I think if I told him he might laugh about it, like he might. I think it's funny.

M I don't. I don't. He's apologized to you for ghosting you with that. Has he actually re entered your life life? Are you guys close again? Are you talking more again? Or is he just kind of still out there just doing his own thing. Because if he's just kind of off his own world, maybe it's not something

Now he's not in my life. He he's pretty long gone. He's doing his own thing, and I've got Also another part to it is like I don't know if I should tell my current boyfriend, not that I actually he knows that I stole his ship, he does, but should I tell him that he like apologized to me, because he's like, he's kind of like.

Right. So I mean, if there's listen, if there's nothing currently going on between you two, maybe just don't bother your current boyfriend with it. I mean, I think we've reached a point where, at least in my own view, is kind of a let sleeping dogs lie moment. You kept the credit cards, you kept the wallet, you didn't get caught. This guy has moved on with his life gone. Yeah, okay, what what what? Everything's gone? Everybody's moved on with their lives.

Wait the wallets, What did you do with the wallet?

The wallet is gone? So I actually my parents live in like bumblefuck Egypt, So I literally.

Burn it like bumblefuck where usually when I think of the term bumble fuck, I don't usually associate Egypt with it. They live in bumblefuck Egypt?

What is it Egypt?

They just live in the middle of nowhere. You've never heard that expression.

No, no, I've I've heard. I don't usually hear it associated with Egypt.

You could have told me that bumblefuck was like a place in Egypt, and I would have been like, oh really.

Usually when I think bumblefuck is usually a place out in the middle of the woods, right, you know, just like isolation.

That's exactly where it is.

But I don't know, got it?

Okay, I don't Egypt.

Wait, so what do they have to do with this wallet? You like went out to.

Where they burn it there?

You burned it there, Okay, okay, while it's gone and burned the guy. The guy is out of your life and he's seemingly having no impact. He just apologized. He doesn't know that you have it, or he didn't know that you have a new boyfriend. He was just feeling guilty in his own mind about having ghosted you. He apologized. He's out living his own life. There's nothing going on between you two, and I mean, you know, potentially bring this up with your current boyfriend. I guess could potentially

However, the fact that you told him that you took pictures of a guy's credit card and social Security number and he took it pretty well means that you probably could.

Yeah.

So he was actually my friend at the moment, so he I don't know he knew about it, and I don't know. I'm an open book, so okay.

I mean, as long as you don't feel like there's any sort of risk involved with sharing that information and maybe it's itching at you a little bit, I mean, go go ahead.

Is there I feel like there are there? Are there any other layers to this or have we any other loose sense? Yeah? Tied it all up.

I would like to pull it. Bumblefuck Egypt though?

Cool? Is that where the pyramids are?

Yeah?

Yeah, that's where they are? Uh?

Morgan anything else you want to say to me or Antie Fantana or to the people the computer.

Before we go, Anthony, I, I'm not gonna lie. I don't really know who you are, but I have to say I have to say that, like the way you give advice just enchanting. You're enchanting.

Oh, well, thank you appreciate.

It, like it was great, even Mile, this is great.

Dream team.

Yeah, I don't know. I hope, I hope everyone doesn't think I'm too crazy.

But you know what, if you do, who cares what people think? Morgan, Right, don't.

Look at the chat.

That's my vibe.

Hey, take care man.

You guys too.

Do you ever do anything like this on your stream, like like so people asking you for advice or anything sort of in the non music worlds like this.

There was maybe maybe maybe like years and years and like pre twitch, like you two first started doing. Yeah, maybe I would sort of do Q and A and shoot the shit. Maybe somebody would have a personal question. Yeah, there was a weird pocket that I got caught into once on Instagram where I was doing. I was just like responding to comments people left me on like Instagram

Right, Yeah, but you said you were spending like try to voice voice memos?

Are you?

I was gonna ask, are you a guy that like a lot of people, like people in your personal life, they come to you to talk about stuff.

Sure, but also I I seek the council of other people. People well, you know, it's like I'm also quick to, you know, tell other people what I'm going through and ask them what they think to get you.

Had an interesting angle on the last caller because you know, people come on here a lot and they'll talk about like bad things that they've done, and I think the Internet and a lot of the chat or comments and I just not even on my own shop, I'll just see this a lot. People will be like they'll be like, you're a fucking asshole or you know, fuck you, you suck

It's not.

It's just not helpful because you can't do anything. Like if if you do something that's bad and someone's like you're an asshole, it's like that feels good for them to say, but you can you can't do anything with that knowledge. You can't just you know, I think I think that it's helpful to go in deeper and be like, Okay, well why did you do that? What were you thinking?

You have to give people the room and the space to like change their behavior, right, you know, like it's it's kind of tough, you know, kind of thinking back to the first call there, like you don't want to continue to subject yourself to somebody relationship wise if you're

But like, you know, yeah, well it's it's feeling. It's different with like romantic relationships than it is like with you know, I don't know people coming you know, to to other people like for help or whatnot.

To the point you were originally making, you you should as much as you can leave space for rehabilitation, right, you know, but rehabilitation doesn't necessarily mean I continue to subject myself to you, you know. Oh, of course.

Of course not.

I don't hold anything against you, you know, and I give you the space to, you know, sort of do your thing and come to you know, whatever realizations you need to change your behavior. And of course you know you can't. I guess what I'm trying to say is you can't save other people.

No, you can't, well especially I mean like, of course, of course, like if your friends being an asshole, you don't have to keep being friends with them, right exactly. But you know, I feel like, specifically in the show, when people come on and they talk about stuff and the chat is just or everyone's like you're an answhole or whatever, I'm like, well, that's that's first of all boring, Like we ge't like somebody calls it, it's not discourse.

Know what it is people like the judge, Yeah, you know, especially situations that they see are kind of like outlandish where maybe they could never see themselves engaging that behavior or tolerating a certain kind of behavior. Yea. Oftentimes they are tolerating or engaging in other types of bad behavior, right right, more normalized to them because of either the friend group that they run with or how they were raised or so on and so forth. You know, like

I'm not religious by like, I like the idea that only God can judge, like the ONLD, Like if there were, like, if there were an entity that could judge, you would have to not be human.

Probably Yeah, a religious guy. No, I wouldn't say particularly religious. I mean I'm like different sort of brands of spirituality, but say I'm necessarily closely following anything.

What's your most what brand of spirituality is the most interesting to.

You, maybe sort of more holistic New agey or kind of like you know, Eastern spiritual philosophies that take into account, you know, sort of taking care of the world, and yeah, you know that kind of thing.

Where do you think we go when we die?

I don't know if we go anyplace interesting. Honestly, I don't know if I really have any kind of take on that. Okay, you know, we may just end up in a sort of you know, continuous mental loop with whatever synapses or continuing to fire through our brains after our bodies have given out, and maybe we just kind of do that until things go dark. Who the hell knows.

If you found out that you were dying tomorrow, would you look back at your life be like, Yeah, I'm pretty proud of how I got to live while I was here.

I feel like I'd still have a lot of years left in me and that I want to do certain things with them that I didn't get a chance to up until this point. But I could say that if I was going to die tomorrow and I was like, you know, ah, where I was dying, I could at the very least say that I spent a lot of time doing what I love doing and that I don't necessarily have any sort of like major regrets in terms of like, oh I wish I'd told this person that, or I wish I did this, or I wish I

So that's a It's a wonderful place to be, Yeah, I think. So, Hey, you want to take a call? Yeah, hello Tony, Tony, Hello, Hi, what's going on with you?

Oh?

Nothing much, man, I'm just kind of in a crisis.

So you called the gets yes better than this isn't a nine one one type crisis? Yeah?

What what kind of crisis are we dealing with?

So?

You know, as a public school teacher, I have to preach to my kids that drugs are bad and you know, don't do drug I don't do alcohol, and then I go home and I just rock a hard goal.

Okay.

So there's a cognitive dissonance in what you preach and what you do.

Yeah, because you know, as a teacher, I feel like I was supposed to set the example. But weed is pretty groovy, man.

Okay, I mean a couple of different things. I mean, there is a reason that we tell kids not to do drugs and alcohol because they're children. They literally shouldn't have you know this, you know, maybe, I mean I could I understand why you wouldn't say this, because you know, the school system would probably look at you weird if you did. But you know, you could always say to them, there's plenty of time in your adult life to think

See now, if you were like a cool eighth grader and you were telling everyone else not to smoke weed, and then you went home and smoked weed, I feel like that would be different.

Yeah, No, that would be different.

So maybe I should illiterate that I am a high school teacher. Okay, so these kids are already vaping and sexting each other off in the bathroom, and so I'm like, at what point should I just be like, hey, it's okay.

I mean even at that age, they should like, they shouldn't be vaping at fifteen, like you know that like vaping at any age is not I mean, if you know, if I would rather some fifteen year old hit a blunt and me vaping constantly. But still, with that being said, even though they are teenagers, there's still not yet adults. They should still maybe wait the several years, the several more years it will take to get access to some weeder alcohol.

When you were these kids age, what were you vaping and doing drugs and whatnot?

Uh?

No, Actually, when I was in high school, the Dare to Say No to Drugs program scared me so shitless that I thought I was gonna die if I'm some hit of anything.

Right, So, to that end, do you feel as though there have been benefits to you at that era of your life to not doing drugs at the time, and could you then share your those benefits with the kids in a truthful way to you in your experience.

To be honest, I felt like me not doing drugs probably made it to where I missed out on a lot of parties.

Okay, now I can kind of a lot better time. I can kind of vibe with what Tony is saying, because this also kind of seeps into another aspect of social education during those high school years, because I remember, as Tony is referring to, you know, those DARE program classes where they basically scared you into thinking the moment

Right, It sounds like you've been telling the truth, Like, yes, it's not as you brought up. It's not good for you know, fifteen year olds to be you know, vapid and drunk trying so knowing that you are being truthful even though you, as a twenty six year old man, are smoking weed, which is perfectly fine.

Yeah, and that's the other thing. You're twenty six year allowed to smoke weed.

How do you feel about it this?

Yes, no, I totally agree. And kind of what is on my mind too is as a teacher, my like employee handbook like this basically says like it's okay as long as you don't do it at school. But my wife, who is like works in healthcare, hers is like, we're gonna drug test you every week or every month, and you know you can't do no drugs. So I'm like, how come me molding the future of children? Can you know smoke? But if she's just taking patients back, it's like, hey, don't do that.

That probably has a lot to do with the fact that the weed that you smoke, do you get it legally?

Uh no?

No, no, okay.

So weed is criminalized in the state that you live in, it is, yes, okay. I mean working in the institution that you are, there may be certain legal limitations to what a body that is publicly funded, such as a school, can do to punish you or reprimand you for you know, doing weed in your own spare time. Your wife, you said, works in the health system, yes, and is what working for a private hospital or institution like.

That, like a private eye care place.

Yeah, I mean, you know it, Given they're a private business, they can enact all sorts of ridiculous drug testing policies, and that's really kind of dependent upon the person who

It's always been fascinating to me that they test for uh pop but not alcohol when alcohol is just so much crazily more destructive.

Absolutely, but yeah, you're your white your wife's boss is just a dickhead a question.

Sure, sure, Uh, if you have I don't know if y'all have children, But if you do have children, how would you feel if you found out that your child's teacher enjoyed the cannabis my child's teacher?

How would I feel if my child's if I found out that my child's teacher smoked weed?

Yeah, yeah, I mean I get I guess, like, you know, if they were just I guess, like I wouldn't really care.

I mean, are they smoking weed while they're teaching?

Yeah, that's the thing. And but the things off the clock, Oh, who cares?

Who gives a man? Are you being pretty hard on yourself?

I would actually, I would actually see my way to being somewhat okay with it on the clock if and only if they were like medically recommended for like maybe some kind of debility and social disorder, anxiety, whatever, you know, because maybe there's like a certain you know, medically recommended amount that you have in your system to sort of like you know, uh, take the edge off of whatever it is, kind of like you know, ailming or issue

I don't want my surgeon to smoke weed at all. The teacher could smoke weed, but.

Drug test only surgeons. Let everybody else go. What if? What if the surgeon's smoking weed? What if they're what if? What if when they're not smoking weed, they're always like this?

If the surgeon. If I was hanging out with with like a surgeon and he was like, dude, you know people are like I. If he was like, dude, I'm actually really so much better at surgery when I'm stone, I might believe him. I don't know. Yeah, Ryan, is there? No, You're not Ryan, You're Tony Tony. Is there anything else you want to say to the people who computer before we.

Go staying in school and do what makes you happy?

Hey, take care man, thank you. All right, we got to eat our words real quick. This this this.

All right.

That guy's wife's boss who forces her to drug drug test. What do you think is going on with him where he does a.

What do you mean?

What do you just hit?

Like?

What do you think it's fucked up with him?

Oh?

Well, I think there's a lot of people who are small business owners who I mean, you know, good for them for building something from the ground up, you know, I mean, good for them. Be proud of yourself. I think that's an accomplishment, you know. But there's some people who when they do that, I think they feel as if they have the power, have the right to micromanage, you know, everything that goes on in their business and.

All right, and they feel some kind of uh so, yeah, so he probably the boss probably feels some kind of like desire to control.

My employees at a certain level of performance, endliness and trust ability and this and that, And there's so many.

It's probably compelled by fear.

Sure, because there's so many there's so much baggage associated with like smoking pot you know, it's like, oh people loose smoke potter, dirty, they're lazy, They steal they this, say that and you smoke? No, I don't have you ever smoked the pott? I've never really indulged in too much. I have a lot of substance issues in my family, and because I have ADHD, I have like a tendency to an addictive personality, so I just I just tend to sort of avoid it.

Do you have any vices.

Eating pussy? Let's move to the next call? Hello, Hello, what's going on?

So?

I have the fear of everything.

And literally everything.

Yeah, it's called pintophobia.

Toast?

What toast?

Yeah, you have a fear of toast?

I mean yeah, around some toast, I'll probably have a panic attack, honestly.

Okay, all right, well let's dive into this. Tellus, tell us, tell us everything we need to know about. I've never heard of this before.

Is she you said? It's called pinto phobia?

H yeah, pinta pinto whichever.

Okay, what's what's here?

Yeah?

So I was first hospitalized for my first panic attack when at the age of six, and that was from little fears when I was younger, and then over time they built up and now it's literally everything. I went and got a psyche evaluation done, and the doctors say that I am in a constant state of fear. So yeah, in general, like when you said toast, it's like there are specific things, but mainly it's just I am in a constant state of fight or flight, constant state of fear.

So explain this more to me. Are you afraid of you know, just sort of like things objects, you know, nouns, like in the case of the host, in sort of like in a rational, nonsensical way, like you're not even sure what you're even afraid of, or is your mind kind of like cooking up scenarios of like you know, bad things that could potentially happen, and you know, are are you afraid of abstracts or you know, things that

Yeah, it's a great question. I would say, like d all of the above. I have fears specific objects and stuff like that, will you know, send me into a full blown panic attack. But mainly it is my mind creates the worst case scenario of everything. And so I have a gorephobia, which is the fear of leaving the house. So you know, just walking out my front door listen, me into like full blown panic attack.

You know.

And these aren't your normal uh you know panic attacks. These are like they get so bad that I go into non epileptic seizures, pass out, stop breathing. So uh I try to just you know, uh you know, sit in my room basically and do pretty much nothing because it's almost the fear of fear in itself because they're so bad. I'm sorry, you guys.

How are you feeling just being on the phone right now?

I was wondering that too.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm actually drenched in sweat, I'm shaking. I I am having a panic attack currently, but when am I not? But I do have medications that help make it manageable. So when I you know, got on the line a little bit beforehand, I did take one of my medications that kind of helped me be able to talk and stuff.

So, yeah, I was gonna ask you, Yeah, so far, what have medical professionals and institutions recommend that you do just take your medication? Is another sort of like therapy, you know, be it through talking or exposure therapy, whatever it is. Have there been any other kinds of like recommendations as to what you should do to try to like help alleviate your situation.

You know.

That's like the crazy thing is like doctors will tell me crazy stuff. Like I've had doctors say, like, you will probably die from your fear of dying. So because I have such a high fear of it, and my body's in constant stress mode and I'm releasing constant stress rmons. I actually have like no immune system. I have a lot of health issues that come with it, and I you know, but when I asked them what do I do? They just they all say the same thing, which is,

How old are you if you feel comfortable sharing that.

Twenty five.

Up until this point. Are there any sort of like actions or activities that personally you found that calm you down or you or you feel safe engaging in that don't sort of like, you know, create these heightened sensations. I mean not to throw like you know, cliches out there, but like I don't know, coloring or solving a puzzle or I'm just spitballing, you know, are there? It could be anything. Are there any activities that you engage in that sort of like don't heighten these feelings in you.

Yeah. Actually, yeah, it's kind of ironic music. So I actually have my piano right in front of me, and I was, you know, just trying to stay calm. I was like playing it, and yeah, writing songs, writing ballads, stuff like that. It's the only time I really feel calm.

A test to the power. So yeah, yeah, so I've been playing it. What about listening to it?

I've actually I've tried that. Something about just listening to it does not calm me down. I think I need like the I like the hand motion and like the I just really get into it, you know, and I close my eyes and I play the notes, and I can feel it, I can hear it. It's all the senses, you know.

I mean, lots of neurological studies have said that the act of physically playing music is one of the most stimulating things that you can do for your for your brain, you know, playing it. Does it give you any sort of like I don't know, quote unquote high that you can ride on for a certain amount of time afterwards, or do you personally find that like the moment that you stop and you go engage in something else, like it's it's right back to where it usually is.

Yeah, the moment that I stop, it's right back, and I'm always is when going into a really bad panic attack, I'm always just like, you know, where's where's my mobile keyboard? Somebody finds my keyboard?

Right are there? And that was kind of the other suggestion or thought that I had, Like, you know, do you have any sort of like openness to other instruments that maybe are a bit more portable that you can sort of like, you know, bring with you to calm you down or maybe kind of like get a bit of a musical session in to take the edge off of really intense moment. Would would you be into picking up a melodica or ukulele?

I was thinking a kambala, right, this was hard.

I mean maybe that maybe a harmonica. It's like, okay, do you do you feel calm ever playing that? Or does that not make much of a difference?

It doesn't make much of it. You know, I tried it. I've gotten a ukulele, a kambala. I've tried those little, you know, portable instruments and for me, really I don't know why it's just piano.

What about a melodica though, like like an air piano that you kind of blow into and you kind of have the keys in front of it.

Is an air piano. I've never heard.

It's a little it's. They're they're pretty popular in a lot of reggae music and dub you know. They're just like a little it's. It's just this little plastic set of piano keys and there is a tube that goes from it and you blow into it and as you press the notes.

Really, yeah, I've never heard of a lot. It's a piano that you play with your mouth.

Yeah, you just blow into it.

Have you ever heard of this before?

I know what he's talking about. I've never played one, though.

Well, I mean they're they're incredibly portable, and maybe there's something mentally that you get out of sort of the arrangement of the keys, you know.

Yeah, I will say like like woodwind and stuff like that. I've found peace playing clarinet, uh, you know, just a normal recorder. And I think that's also has to do with breath work, you know, during panic attack.

Right.

Yeah, So that's actually I'm kind of curious.

Does is there any part of you that like feels like you would get any kind of enjoyment of fulfillment out of like recording and sharing music, or are you strictly just enjoying being in the moment of it for it's its own sake.

Uh?

You know, the dream actually is to be like a songwriter, if you will. I wouldn't say I'm much of a singer or not. People always tell me I'm wrong, but

Yeah, but you're and this is the case for a lot of I don't know how familiar are with what I do, but I review music for a living and there are a lot of artists who I cover who are just releasing their own music independently, sometimes semi professionally, sometimes not professionally at all, just casually, and they just release music anonymously. I mean, you can just drop music on the Internet under an alias or you know, some

That's actually a really good idea so far. Like this is solid advice.

You don't need to go put your government name on your band camp record on the internet. You could just come up with anything.

That's so true. Yeah, I mean I might try that, but my fear with that is like, if I'm not able to promote it, then how does it get found?

I mean, you could promote it, just don't promote it as yourself. I mean, start a Twitter account, start a YouTube account, just under the same alias, just to put your name on it.

Okay, okay, yeah, gives that a shot.

I feel like if we hear a heavy amount of air piano in it, we're gonna know it's you. Now if if if you come up with something and it has kambala and air piano, we'll know.

Because the word pensyphobia.

You guys are like, yeah, caught, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's that's the title of the album and it's just got nothing on it.

Ella, is there anything else you want to say to the people of the computer are kind of any other you know, thoughts, feeling sentiments you have about any of the stuff that we talked about before we go.

You know, if there you know, I'll say this, if there's anybody else out there that deals with panic disorder or anything like that. Uh, it's hard, it's hard to wake up every day and it's hard to get through the days. But I just want to say, if there's anybody out there that struggles like I do, you know, like, don't give up and uh, you know, just take it day by day.

Thank you for calling Ella, Thank you, thank you.

Bye.

She made me think of a question that I have for you about Melds About Okay, so you're a feeling, empathetic person, caring person.

Have I showcased that so far?

I have showcased that so far? And yet you're also committed to the truth. Has there ever been a situation where you meet an artist or something like that and you just love them as a person and they're so gracious to you, and then you listen to their music so you hate it and you and just you hate it so much and you need to, because of your respect for the truth, publicly eviscerate them.

Yeah, And sometimes it's the opposite where, uh, someone by all accounts is a total fucking scumbag. Yeah, but the great Yeah, it's amazing.

Actually, how does it is? Is there any ever any dissonance with like in the for the former scenario.

Where there's dissonance in both, you know, because sometimes somebody's you know, trespasses are so egregious that you know it's It's one thing to acknowledge on a personal love that somebody's art is good, but it's another thing to use your multi million sub platform to be like, I'm going to promote this person despite their horrible behavior.

Interesting, so you've you feel worse about the inverse than Yeah, I feel.

Worse about the inverse, but I also feel pretty bad about the scenario you originally put as well. However, you know, I make it pretty clear either in my content or in direct content with contact some of these people that like, how I feel about your music is not the same thing as how I feel about you at the end of day, it's not personal.

Have you had and obviously don't need to name names, but like if you had situations like that where you've gotten a d M from a guy and like, man thought we were cool.

You know, yeah, you know. But but the thing is, you know, at the end of the day, I have to sort of explain we are cool. I don't have anything personally against you. I just don't care for the way you made this record. And look, you're continuing through what you're doing. I'm continuing through what I'm doing. I may enjoy your next album. And that has also been

I was good. I was wondering that show's gun asks like two people a like kind of closey up to you about that.

I mean, you know, it's rare that it happens, because I feel like I've made it pretty clear that it's not gonna get you anything, right of course now. And the thing is, like, and I understand not doing it even if you do personally enjoy what I do on some level, because you don't want to make it seem like you're publicly endorsing some guy who may end up shitting on your record two years down the road. So then and then you give me legitimacy shitting on your record.

So what would it take for you to compromise your integrity?

No, I think my integrity is too valuable because I'm at a point where I have built up what I do in such a way to where it's exactly how I want it. And it's also I mean.

That's had it's hard though, because both of those two scenarios that you mentioned.

Why Okay, okay, I guess what I guess I'm trying to say here is like I make good money doing what I do, not to fucking flex. I'm not here to fucking flex on it all. I'm a long term thinker. The amount of money that I could make doing what I do, being honest about it and being above bored about it long term, I would make much more than any six figures. I see.

That's the fucking fact. Yeah, I know exactly what you're saying. Exactly what you're saying.

You're like, I'll pay you five hundred to get my ten right right right. It's like i'd be fleshed.

I'll work for a little bit, but that you're not going to become this exactly.

Yeah, you know, it's like if I to do that, I would have to trade in ten more years of success just flush down the toilet, of course. And look, I mean they're there may be a point where after five more of this, I'll just be like, fuck it, I don't want to do it anymore, you know, But I would still like for there to be the option, you know, if I do decide five years from now, I want to do five more.

It's smart, you know, because I feel like you. You know, it's it could be tempting to take some kind of like short term game, but you understand that your integrity is like.

Here here's here's here's my plan. I'll sell the funk out when I'm when I'm done.

What is selling out?

Look?

What is selling out?

Look like? I have no idea. I have no idea. I'll completely compromise my integrity when I'm on my way out the door. As I'm stepping out the fucking door, then I'll take my two million dollars seven packed.

So you're saying towards the end of your career, there's gonna be a lot more tens.

Yeah, yeah, towards the end of my Listen, if if if you guys ever see me, like, you know, if I ever come on Karen, I'm like, hey, guys, this Drake records a fucking ten. I'm out of here. I'll see you later. I'll see you later. That'll be my last video and I'll be vacationing in the boss right after.

So we got over here.

Lana, hear, Lana, What's what's going on with you?

Hi?

Leileh? Hi Anthony?

Hi?

As it goes good?

So Lana, listen, Uh, I do you want to tell us what it is that you called in to talk about?

Yeah, i'd like to. I just knew you were gonna pick me somehow. So my mom is an animal lover. She's always she always has been. You know, dogs, hamsward, pets, I mean, all kinds of pets had And she has a parrot, one of those white ones cocktail they think they are called, yeah, showed up a name, really, and she she pets it on. She does something without knowing it that arouses the pets m hm. Basically when she

I mean, after she does this to the bird, does it engage in any weird behavior? Does it humps?

Okay?

At first I thought it was just being cute. It was just getting excited and it was just being a lovey dovey. But now it's just it like like it looks too excited, Like when you know it might be aroused, You're like, oh, yeah, that's that's what an aroused bird looks like.

Have you ever seen as the bird ever come and her hands?

It's a girl, so I don't think it comes. But another awful thing.

Could can girl bird? Do girl birds score it?

I haven't seen it do that, but it does like cut its butt out like its feathers out, okay, hail, and it's like pokes a butt up like as up as it can. Okay, like take it kind away, you know, like oh taking it, yeah, go ahead.

And as far as you can tell, your mom is completely clueless about this, like she doesn't that it's having this effect on bird. Is is your Is your mom up there in age or.

She's about forty five.

Okay, so she's not super old or anything like that. Do you is your mom? I mean, in the past, when you've had to approach your mom about maybe touch your weird subjects. Has has that historically gone? Well? Bad? Is your mom someone who typically feel like you can open up to and be honest with.

That's the thing that I know we've never had like de talk, you know, like sexual topics. We're just never brought up. So that's it's awkward about it.

Really, are you? Are you more concerned at this point for her?

For the bird? Right?

The bird?

Definitely the bird, because it's getting just sexually frustrated. It's not you know, getting sucked or anything.

It's just gonna you think you.

Think your mom is bringing the bird some kind of frustration.

Oh, definitely, I know it's frustration. That's what the you know, that's what the Internet and everything says, Okay, that you should not do that to your bird, probably frustrating it.

Yeah. So so in a way, it's sort of like it's it's it's like an inadvertent kind of maybe animal abuse in a way or something. I don't know.

That I got to say that.

The way like a mistreatment, the way that you're have the fear that you have of this conversation, I feel like it's the fear of the conversation makes it sound like you think that you have to tell your mom that she has to fuck the bird, because if that.

Were true, then that would be a tough conversation to have. But she totally doesn't. You could just let her know what's going on. There's no like, you know, there is. I feel like it's kinda it's for a pretty simple conversation.

I mean in your room. Because obviously you've done some digging on this in your research. Have you seen that there's any harm that may come to the bird long term by way of just you know, petting its back or.

Here's the awful thing. The bird recently has started to lay eggs.

Okay, where where did you get those eggs from?

We have no clue, Like three eggs by now, they're hollow inside.

Okay, yeah, I mean, I'm I'm no zoologist, but like, isn't that something habitually all female birds engage in to some degree just laying?

Do they do? They have to.

Do?

They have to have sex before they lay eggs.

Usually they just fertilize it.

That's what I thought. Apparently they don't. It's the bird. The egg is hollow, there's nothing inside. I guess it just has I guess female birds, we just have the shell naturally agains because.

It's it's not been fertilized or anything like that. I don't. I don't think the bird is laying eggs because it's horny.

Well, in my head, I'm thinking it's getting frustrated so often that it's like the body doesn't understand what it's doing, and it just that's why she laid the eggs and it's out naturally.

Wait, so you're saying you think that the bird is so horny that she got pregnant without having sex, Like it's like a virgin mary bird was immaculated.

You're afraid of one of these eggs cracking open and there is a bird fetus that looks like you inside.

I am terrified of or it looks half bird half your father.

Right, Oh gosh, I haven't even thought about that.

I mean, okay, So, so what what do you feel like is the most ideal outcome here for everybody? I mean, I get I guess, like, let's do you feel like your mom is doing any kind of like damage to the bird. Do you feel like your mom is doing anything inherently wrong here? Or do you feel like a lot of the oddita around this is mostly just around

Well, sure, I mean if I just think, I think it's awful that the bird is constantly frustrated, but it's just like you don't think, so it's like it's all in my head, That's what I'm I guess I'm just.

Sort of wondering, like, you know, you could see that the bird is. I guess here's the thing. If you feel genuinely in your research and from what you're observing, because I don't see the bird, I can't tell you if you feel like in what you're observing and in what you've looked up about you know birds in this fashion, If you feel like what your mom is engaging and is doing a disservice to the bird or making it frustrated, or hurting it in some way. It doesn't have to

Those are a really adult explanation of Yeah.

I mean, if you've done that, you can at least clear from your mind that, like, well, I told her, and if she chooses not to change her behavior past this point, that's on her. You know. At this point, it just seems like you have this information inside you and it's itch and you should probably just get it out because you know it and you feel like your mom should know it, and you know, again, at least from there you can wash from your mind. Well, I've

You know, what do you think about all of this.

Is, Lana, I think that's a very well put together I just I guess I couldn't find the words, and you just kind of found them and put them together in an order that I would like to present them to her. And I guess my biggest concern now you went to bring it up, just wait until she does it again to be like, hey, Mom, actually I get just the thought of it makes me so uncomfortable.

When's when's the next time to bring it up to her? Is that what you're asking?

Yeah, I guess yes.

Okay, I'll tell you this much. I don't know when the right time is, but the wrong time is while she's petting the bird.

Probably. Yeah. And also just to sort of do a little thought experiment here and maybe kind of illustrate what is the basis for your fear here? What do you feel like is the worst case scenario? Say you told your mom everything that I just told you in the way that I put it as clearly as you possibly could. What what do you feel like is the worst thing that could happen?

To be honest, I'm not even scared about the outcome as much as I'm scared about how uncomfortable it's going to be.

Okay, I mean, well, you know this could just be a moment of practice for you to to kind of break that fear a little bit, because you know there's going to be lots of moments in your life where you are going to have to tell people's stuff that

Oh yeah, you know.

So you know, take take this as sort of like, you know, a test run, because honestly, there's there's not much wrong that could happen in the mom petting a horny bird scenario. There are much worse things that could happen in the scenario where you're afraid to come forward with information where maybe lives are at stake, or maybe

Ella, is there anything else you want to say to people of the computer before we go?

It's thank you as ever lovely makes Nate thank you.

You know, it would suck to be that bird. Like imagine if anyone just lightly touching you got you insatiably horny like that.

Yeah, it would depend on your vibe. Some people like edging.

Yeah, that's what her mom is doing. She's edging.

I'm not self reporting.

Well, you know, how often do you jack off?

I used to jack off way more often I would. I would say a healthy amount, you know, like you know.

It's a healthy daily. Daily, daily is a healthy amount.

I think. I think daily, if you're doing like maybe uh, four to five times a day, that's okay, you're just eating up too much time.

I thought daily.

Guy.

Sometimes I'll talk to guys and they'll be like three times a week, and I'll be like, three times a week.

That's too little.

It's too little. Yeah, okay, all right, I feel validated.

Yeah, I think daily is fine, especially just for bed. Just knock out, go to sleep.

You know, it's it's a weird thing. It's uncomfortable for Ella to talk to not Lana, to talk to her mom about bird sex. But yet it's weird with talking to your parents about sex. It's like, that's how your relationship with your parents.

That's how you exist.

You is is how you exist as sex. But I guess you're Her relationship with her mom has nothing to do at all with bird sex until this bird sex thing came along. Right, Let's take another call.

Sounds good?

Hello, Hello, what's up?

This is happening.

Cool, it's happening. It's happening, It's always happening.

This is happening The LCD sound System album.

All right, everything, everything is happening. Is the moment is now? This is the moment we're living in.

I am Eric, Hi, Eric, Hi, Erick? All right? Do it?

Just like, do this thing?

Tell you do the thing.

What's your problem? Eric, what's the problem?

All right?

I seem to have a problem with joining cults. So to set this up a little bit, I'm a pretty religious person. I've recently tried to explore my faith a little bit because I feel like a lot of people they're a part of a church because their family was a part of a church, you know, And that was what I was like. And now I'm starting to go in with it and like, what do I believe?

Like?

What am I trying to understand here with this community? So I've been trying to reach out to these different organizations that seem to be what I'm looking for, organizations where they they say that here's this community of like minded individuals who are all trying to explore and understand their faith in.

A way that is really good.

Now, the first organization like this I came across was Jehovah's Witnesses. If you know anything about them, they were They set up a table at my old college and they have like a little pamphlet that said, what questions about God do you have? I'm like, oh, I have questions about God. I took their pamphlet and I'm like, Wow, this is really interesting. Maybe I should look into joining

So I got a little.

Disappointed that the organization or club or whatever that I wanted to join was really controlling and they actually didn't believe in the things that I believed or wanted to actually explore the things that I wanted to explore. And then I met another organization at a different colleges is like a few years later, and they were also tabling at my college. I went up to them and then they were all also handing out flyers and basically we have this event going on and I'm like, oh, that's perfect.

And I'm like.

And now at this point, I'm getting really discouraged because I feel like I'm being honest, Like I want to pursue these things that I find really interesting and I want to dive deeper into to have a better relationship with God, you know, and also the people around me. But every time I try.

And do that, it's a cult. Okay, Okay, all right. Now I have a bunch of questions. I think we can get to a nice answer and a nice medium for you. But I have a bunch of questions and I need you to answer them as straightforwardly as possible. One I will do my best. Now, would you consider yourself, you know, like a spiritual and religious person.

I would consider myself religious, yes, Okay.

Now you say you have a bit of a religious background. What kind of church or denomination did you grow up in with with your family?

If you know anything about the Christian I think it was technically considered non denominational Protestant. Okay, that was kind of the background, if you know anything about like the different big Christian organizations. I think it was Crazy Assembly was one of them, and.

I know a little bit. But I guess what I want to ask you is, what personally do you feel like is wrong with just continuing to explore religion through a church and an organization that your family is already connected to, her that you're familiar with. Is there something that you feel like the Protestant Church or that church in general is lacking that that you are seeking in your you know, religious exploration.

Here's the thing.

I've moved away from my family unfortunately, both my parents died and my brothers aren't religious themselves, like they've expressly moved away from it. So I'm basically on my own.

There's there's lots of there's lots of more much more mainstream denominations of Christianity, be they Protestant, be they Methodist, be they Catholic, that you that you're free to sort of explore because they're they're more of a safe Baptist be because they are more of a safe zone because they're they're you know, obviously, any organization in any sort of like religious group, as you sort of found with that one club can have you know their issues and

Table, Avoid anywhere they're tables, give ahowing.

People trying to get you to join something. Avoid that, Avoid any tape. Maybe it's maybe it's people with a religious group, maybe it's a military organization. Avoid it.

He man, if you if you want, pull out, if you want, you can. You can come be Jewish that as well. You know, what's is I've always respected is that we're never trying to get other people to enjoy it. I can't.

I still got my foreskin.

I can't have that forest skin. Well listen, man, they they're still cutting off four skins if you want to show your devotion to the cause, whatever the hell that cause is, and they got mine. I don't even know what I gave it up for.

I mean lyle brings up a good point. I mean, maybe there's a cause in exploring other religious or other religions entirely. But I mean, again, if if we're speaking strictly sort of like a Christian denomination. Here again, avoid tables, avoid any people pamphleting you generally. I think that's a bit of a red flag. Honestly, it feels like you don't necessarily have the problem here that you pose to begin with, because in each of these instances, you didn't

All right?

Uh?

I have to say it's not so much of the community aspect anymore, because your recommendation basically was to get plugged into a more legitimate church organization, not something There are lots.

Of churches across the country, and who would love to have you, would love to have you.

And the thing that I'm like, what is what are you looking for? That's what I'm because you said you said you're not looking for a community, because I think I'm trying to get down to the bottom of what you already have a community, and.

It sounds like he's looking for spiritual guidance.

Can I ask you this? Then I'm all right. So if you have a community and you're looking for spiritual guidance, when you just close your eyes and you sit in a dark room and you think to your you look inside yourself for that spiritual guidance, do you find.

Anything you mean, like through prayer?

Sure, sure, whatever whatever that even means to you.

Yeah, I do feel that connection, but that only happened recently.

Mm hm okay. I mean again, if you are looking for some kind of spiritual guidance, I would try to just seek out a more reputable religious institution to do it through. And that way, even if what you know, even if even if you engage in it and you find that you're not finding what you're seeking, you at least know that you're not dabbling in a cult.

What do you like?

Do you have.

Strongly held beliefs already that you are trying to find a church that aligns with them.

Or do you have questions that you're looking to get answered or something, or.

A little along both lines. I'd say that I had loosely held beliefs that I thought were true but didn't understand why. So in this part of my life, I'm trying to ask questions and understand on a deeper, more fundamental level what it is I believe I'm.

Going to tell.

I'm just want to say, go ahead, go ahead, oh.

Okay, sorry, I'm trying to pursue others because, like I, I'm generally an intelligent person. Like I do pretty well in classes. I understand uh stuff. I can help other people to understand things.

Yeah, avoided these cults.

Position sure, yeah, they would have gotten there.

And you've invited these cults. If you were stupid, you would have joined the cults.

Can I just I just want to say this, I I And this is kind of kind of my thoughts on this summed up is that you're on this crazy spiritual journey trying to figure out you believe and whatnot. And I think you have this desire to want to label it because label because when a thing is weird and intangible, it's a little bit harder to wrap your fucking head around, and when you can find a nice

Yeah, I mean explore your options, you know, I mean, have faith in the fact that you did a great job avoiding joining these cults. And if you have any sort of like you know, honestly, like I feel like the anxiety that you have around this could be totally wipe cleaned if you just avoid the tables. Because you know, people who are on a college campus handing out pamphlets trying to say anything that they want to say to you to get you to come to their club or

Although I thought about this, what like, look, if you did decide you wanted to give up and fully submit yourself to this cult, that would probably be nice. You may just get you may be giving up and just being like I'm gonna let this cult dictate exactly what I'm going to do. And the thing, I mean, thinking about things is so hard.

Yeah, I mean, listen, I would if you're interested in any of these cults, I would ask them what are their benefits? Is there a compound? Are there three square meals a day?

They offer healthcare and get a.

Healthy and listen.

If you find a good deal, if you find a good cult deal, let us know.

Please, let us know, Eric, anything I was gonna say to the people the computer before we.

Go, uh yeah, do your own research, understand what you're getting yourself into.

And have a good night.

It's probably past your bedtime.

Thank you, Eric, have a good night.

Thanks for taking my call.

I think it'd be great. I kind of want to have like a Gecko cult. I don't. I don't really have anything to offer anyone though, right, I.

Just have You're gonna need a compound first, right to make a compound with some bunk beds.

So it sounds like a logistical nightmare.

I mean it could be. I mean you have to be passionate about your cult, really passionate about controlling people.

Yeah, yeah, so.

Passionate that you would overlook the logistics to be like, you know what, this is a pain in the ass, But I get to tell people what to.

Do, Yeah, isn't it always crazy to me, is that evil and anger are such emotional things, and like the logistics of planning out a compound is such a non emotional thing. And throughout navit like placing the bathrooms and making measurements for the walls and stuff. You know, no part of you is like, why the fuck am I doing this again? Oh? Yeah, because I I want to control folks.

Well, that's that's because you're you're you're drive to become a cult leader, isn't that? Isn't that strong someone who really cares about it. You know, they're literally they're making the kool aid recipe right at the very end for everybody to drink.

I think dying in a mass suicide with other cult members, I wouldn't do it, but I get it. Yeah, you know, you're not alone. You found your community. I mean, because you die, if you don't die in a mass suicide or anything you do, you're alone.

You die alone.

I mean, your family is your family would be there.

Hopefully they're not going with you, but.

They're not coming with you. It'd be kind of nice to have, like, you know, people to.

Yeah, like fifty to two hundred other people.

Yeah, it kind of sounds nice. Yeah, I get it. I wouldn't do it, and I wouldn't recommend anyone do it. But I'm not going to say that I don't understand the appeal of taking part in a mass suicide.

It's definitely kind of it's a bit of a vibe.

It's a bit of a vibe.

Yeah.

Also, like the parties that they throw before they kill themselves have to be awesome.

Crazy, Yeah, loads of cocaine.

How do you want to die?

Who cares? You're you're you're about to die? Do you have a way? Quietly?

Quietly? Quietly?

Yeah?

Isn't it a tragic I feel like hospitals there's a lot of noise. It's like hustle and bustle and machines being in the hospital. Where do you want to die? Like a hospice they have a quieter.

I'm not sure if I have a preference on location. Just just just not a scary, violent death, you know, just like a just a quiet death.

You know. People, I've probably talked about this a thousand times, but people don't like the concept of the like the I think it'd be so sick to die in some apocalyptic event that destroys the world. Because how beautiful is it the idea to die at the end of the like you die with everyone and everything else.

Well, yeah, that's not too much unlike the cult scenario, right, you're not alone exactly and sort of being off in this giant meteor hitting the planet.

Like, I'm gonna get some emails after this, from some cults probably, and I'm going to read them.

And you're gonna read them, and then you're going to research, and.

Then I'm gonna do my research. And who knows what the research will yield.

If they have good benefits, you may join up. Before I came on here, it was my goal to be the best guest that you ever had, the best number one.

I can't one by by what metric? Because I can I can't.

Really have no I really have no idea, at least in my own mind, in your mind.

I can't make declarations like that because I would never say that one guest is better or worse than an I understand that you're doing great. I'm happy. I'm so glad that you came on. I can tell that, like you listen to the podcast.

And like you don't, I've been wanting to do this.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, like you, like you put your I'm very happy that you like you put yourself into it.

Yeah, like when like we talked months ago about doing this, Yeah, and ever since that day, Yeah, I've been thinking about doing.

This when you were listening, Like have you ever had like where you've been listening to the podcas us and you're like, I know what I would say to this person. Hell yeah, yeah, hell yeah, absolutely hell yeah. I'm glad that uh you you were able to come out and do this and straight your get stuff. What that means? Hello, Hi there, Hi Oscar.

Yes, what's up.

How's it going? Man?

I I'm you know, I'm doing very good.

Thank you. I've called you so many times about different things. I can't believe this is what you decided to talk about. But I'm actually very glad.

Oh well tell us, tell us what's going on with you?

So basically I thought I would talk about this, this thing I've had for a while. I've opened up two others about it, and I've never met someone that can relate. But I used to be extremely obsessed with my own Pooh when I was.

Younger mm hm, obsessed with to what explains.

Mom my mom had to clean like ship off the walls several times. It happened at like school as well. And I've also had a thing where I just really liked shitting in places where you're not meant to ship.

And basically what kinds of places that you were not meant to ship?

Did you ship?

I did it in like a bush in my neighborhood. One time I did it in the public pool. There were times where I did it in the playground at school or in like the thing, just in some not very good places.

And what age range are we talking about, and which you're doing this behavior?

It's honestly like too young to remember, probably since I was like a toddler and possely trained and stuff up till like eleven or ten.

Oh okay, So you did this all the way up until age eleven.

Pretty much okay? And I've never met someone else who was like obsessed with ship. But then I learned that I just had autism.

What do you mean by like, because I'm being honest with you right now, you know the age range that you're describing right now. I don't know how you're feeling about this, man, but I this seems very seems free standard to me.

I feel like once you're really I feel like once you're getting into the double digits, you're kind of pushing it. But the thing is, like, from what you're describing so far, you've you've stopped this behavior. Is this over and done with?

Or yeah, no, it's it's very much over and done with. It's the thought of me doing that now.

It's like, if it makes you feel any better. I so every time I take a like an impressed of poop, I will take a picture of it.

I mean really see, because my last relationship, my girlfriend would do that a lot, and it kind of started to bother me. I feel really bad. But like because I said.

I kind of started to bother you, I thought you would find her to be a kindred.

Spirit, right, No, Because first I was like, yeah, I'm very down with that, but then I realized I actually wasn't that down.

With it, Okay, So so let me ask you. You're telling you.

As well, like I was really obsessed with like the feeling of like ship, not like the act of it, but like I would like break it into little pieces as well. And it was like genuinely so hard for me not to like break it into little pieces. Recentle time hit.

I mean, look here, here's the thing. When you have a neurodivergency, whether you're on the autism spectrum or you have ADHD, uh, there's all sorts of anoma lees where, especially very young kids, I will become absolutely obsessed with doing something that for whatever reason that they do, they mentally just find it stimulating, they find it intriguing, and scientifically speaking, there's not like any kind of answers per se as to what draws someone to one specific thing.

Did you so like were you how were you like scooping poops out of the toilet and rubbing them on the walls and shing like that?

Yeah?

Okay, and is now listen. It says that you hear that you feel a lot of shame over this. Is that true? Do you feel active shame.

Over this as a twenty one year old, because I can't of it.

I don't find it that weird if you were like a kid.

No, I mean, look in the grander scheme of things, this could be a nerdivergent anomaly, especially if you're aware of the fact that you're autistic, because again, kids obsessively engage in all types. If you look at it in the grander scheme of things, what you're experiencing is not that weird. Kids who are on the spectrum engage in all sorts of weird, obsessive behaviors that eventually at one

Just comes from I was just going to say a lot of it isn't even so much as like, oh I feel so weird about it. Still, the specific since though of me like shitting in a public hall haunts me to this day, just the thought of that and the fact that I just like didn't even think about it at the moment. I'm like, that was like where it got too far for me.

Yeah, I imagine there's probably a lot of social shame around that, and that you got some pretty gnarly reactions to that. But but by that same token.

Oh no, because the thing is it was closed by then, they like closed the pool. So I have no idea what happened after or who had.

To Oh really okay, but but I said, so were you swimming in the pool at the time.

Yeah, And they were like calling people to get out because they were closing, And I was like, I really need a ship, but I don't know where the toy it is, so I ship in the pool.

Okay. So so in that instance, you engaged in the behavior not because you have this weird obsession. You just had an emergency, which happens to all kids, Like you're You're far from the first kid to shit in a public pool.

Yeah, it just wasn't really a second thought at the time. It was just like, you know, hey, this is just a new place on the list at the ship location.

But yeah, yeah, from what you say, it just sounds like you had which which is which is why they put chlorine in the pool in the first place. They know that kids are going to piss and ship in the pool.

I've also been on the other end of it, though, Like I've been at the pool when someone else is shipp in the pool one time?

Does that give you back? Like when somebody else ships the pool, you're like, hey, man, I was there.

I guess I was like.

You're a pissed Look this, I feel like this is the whole situation. It's a you know, window into you to be able to have more empathy for people when you know they they take ships, they shipped on you, they shouldn't.

I've never had anyone ship on me, luckily, Yeah you haven't.

You haven't shipped on anybody, have you?

No?

Not yet simply on them like baby, what if.

They had a really good reason to. I don't know what the reason would be, but what if one arise?

I mean like, I'm not I'm not saying that at any point in my life. I'm never going to let someone shot on me. I'm open to a lot of.

Things, okay and wrong.

Okay, okay, yeah, don't don't knock until you try it.

Well, all right, it sounds like you have the next thing that you're gonna call in about already. Cue up.

I would love to call back about this once. I we don't know yet.

Here's can I just say this, don't you've done some research, don't just don't go out and get chat on just for the sole purpose of making so you can come back and talk about do it if you really want to do it. Okay, yeah, Oscar, is there anything else you want to say to me, or to Anthony Fantana or to God before we go?

Yeah?

Actually, because Anthony I used to be on the Anthony Fantana hatred I'm not gonna lie to you. And it's one day I came to the realization that the only thing more annoying than Anty Fantano is Anthony Fantano haters. And I started watching you and I was like, Wow, I like this guy. And then I figured out that you rated Charlie xcx is self titled album the Best of twenty nineteen, and you instantly became one of my favorite people on News Now and.

That's one of the greatest parts in the time.

And the.

Room reip was amazing. I was. I was on that EP before a lot of people were.

Hiking you very much were And I think even when I'm disagreeing with you, I just love that you've listened to like, literally everything, and you'll always give you a like, actual opinion and an actual, like critical thought. I respect that more than anything. So thank you, so really cool.

Thank you, sir cool.

Hey, thank you very much. Ask you have the rest of the name.

Thank you get bye.

And that's why you can't trade in your integrity.

I was thinking that He's like, yeah, because you know.

Because that guy, you know, yeah, he value, he sees value in what I do, and he knows that I'm coming from a serious place.

How often do you I feel like I'm in the position where I'm always I'm always talking to people who watch me. How often are you, like, like, you know, interacting with people who watch you on the computer.

I mean, I wouldn't say I'm interacting with them all the time, as much as I'm just kind of keeping track of what they're saying, because a lot of the time they're recommending stuff for me to listen to. Yeah, you know, they're like, hey, check this out. You know, I'd much rather check out a recommendation from a fan

Hello, Hello, what's going on?

Well, I guess I'm just calling in because so I've been chasing a dream trying to make music for like ten years and right kind of getting embarrassing at this point.

I guess, how old are you?

Twenty five?

That's it?

Yeah?

Well, do you know how old James Murphy was when he started LCD sound System. Do you know how old Chuck Barry was when he had his first hit? They were both ten years older than you. Oh?

Really?

Yeah?

LCD sound System.

Literally the first LCD sound System single is about being old and washed up and irrelevant, losing my edge.

But that's all I write about now, because that's all that.

I just feel well for James Murphy and now he's the front man one of the most popular bands in the world, So maybe it'll work for you.

True true?

Okay, Look, look, what what do you what's this? What's what's what's this dream look like? In your head? Like if the dream came true? What would the dream look like?

I guess just like being able to support myself and the people that I love to some degree with just being able to like play and release music.

Okay, what uh do you do you actually get any enjoyment out of the process of just just recording and making music itself? Like could you see yourself happy just making music without necessarily, you know, doing it as a profession or something.

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean I would. I'd probably be doing it even if I went to go do something else more like full time and put more in time and energy.

And other stuff.

I've always loved making.

It's the.

I might playing stuff. There's a lot of sun But.

Okay, because here's the thing. I have friends of mine personally who who you know, be they friends or be they just people who I know, you know, through through the industry who make music for a living. I mean, obviously there's no surprise that I know people who make music for a living doing what I do. But the thing is, oftentimes the act of making music, once it's become their living, is the thing that they find themselves

Damn no, No, that doesn't sound great. Well, I guess that's and that's glam calling it, so like should I start redirecting my life to do something a little bit more? You know, because I'm also like embarrassed by like it feels like a really selfish pursuit, like a very like masturbatory thing. Like as cool as it is and as fun as it is, like the whole process of being like look at me, and like this thing I'm doing is kind of it's kind of embarrassing to some degree.

I don't really like would you would you be? Do you think it would be embarrassing if what if your friends was like, you know, maybe they add a nine to five, but on their off time they were playing footsies. Here in their off time they painted paintings and were like, hey, I made this great painting. Look at my painting. Would you be like, ew, that's cringe. Why are you spending all your time painting?

No, No, I would, I definitely wouldn't do that.

Yeah, you're just making art for the fun of making art. There's no shame in doing that. There's no shame in showing it to other people.

True, very true.

Now, I don't think you should give up on your dream of making and enjoying making music, And I don't think you necessarily need to, like, you know, rule out the potential to be successful at it to some degree.

Could I ask you one more thing real quick? I kind of forget about it because I just kind of got nervous when I got on. Sure, But just in regards to like the whole idea of feeling selfish, I guess I'm like that actually comes from more of a feeling of like, do you think it's okay to put a ton of time, a ton of energy, and a ton of money into something when you could be putting more time and energy into like a job and like opportunities or the career and take care of like a

Like that, like all it's all about finding it's all about finding balance at the end of the day, Like obviously. You know, we could have all sorts of discussions about the economic and capitalists and societal systems that we live under that make it very difficult to have any leisure time or time to ourselves and enjoy life and so on and so forth, but we won't. We'll table that

Also, you're gonna die, so make the fucking songs while you can, my friends.

Right exactly.

Yeah, how do you feel about everything that mister Anthony Fantana has just told you?

I mean, this is such a surreal moment, but I feel pretty good. I was having a conversation with a friend who was like a music mentor of mine before I got on this call, because I was talking to him about this, and it's kind of echoing the same stuff. So it's just kind of it's cool to hear it from somebody you look up to. I guess from two people you looked up to.

Yeah, you should, like, you know, give yourself some perspective and the grander scheme of things. You're still pretty young. If you're too old to be doing what you're doing, you should give up. Like, what hope do I have? I'm pushing forty and I'm reviewing records that were produced by eighteen year olds. You know. Yeah, but where thank you.

Mike real quick. I was just kidding, what kind of what kind of music do I make?

Is it dubstep?

No?

I mean I've been I've been doing like just singer songwriter stuff for a long time. Okay, cool, they used to acoustic guitar. Now it's like way more involved with like Ableton and like producing these long, complicated things.

But it's fun.

It's a lot of fun, you know.

Also, you know my uh uh, you know, just just for like personal perspective, My stepdad's a musician, yea, And he loves nothing more than just dicking around into studio all day and just making random shit and logic and random shit able to just uploads it to SoundCloud and he makes beats and plays guitar and sometimes I listen to the stuff he makes. It's actually insane, despite the fact, you know, it sounds like way out there, despite the fact that he doesn't know about any of the stuff

Yeah, I you know, I understand. I understand this idea of I understand where the idea comes from of feeling like your only serving yourself. But then also there's you know, we have any touch on the whole aspect of like, you know, if you create music and other people like it, like you know, you do a lot for them in that sense.

Sure that's true too. And and I get sort of like the idea of like, you know, wanting or having other responsibilities like maybe you want to partner, maybe you want to have kids, maybe you want to have whatever she was like referring to. But you know, as I said, like, my stepdad is a guy who did all those things right, and he and he always made time for either playing or learning or practicing or you know, especially now in

It's a bit of an all or nothing kind of kind of a thought pattern.

Right You're you're you're giving yourself too black and white of a situation to exist. And it's either I have to live this normal, boring, totally vanilla like you know, white collar life, or I need to be like the successful music star who's doing what they're doing full time.

Hey, feeling Mike.

Good, I'm feeling good. I'm feeling a lot better. Thank you so much.

Is there anything else you want to say to the people that competed before we go?

I'd just like to say, I love you Mellan, thank you for giving no Dream such a high. Irate it, and I love you Lyle Uh. Thank you guys so much.

This was great.

Thank you, Hey, you much appreciate it.

Man R. Let's find out about that court.

I like, like, I could, you know, I gotta say I could really this stuff always makes me happy. I could really tell how much Mike appreciated you saying what you said to him and it was nice.

Yeah. No, listen, it's I get fucking emails all the time. I'm sure you have that have that same kind of you know, like a concern and I'm not advocating for just sort of like blind negligence of everything that you should be sort of handling and taking care of to obsess over this one thing, you know, But there's there's a way to balance it.

It's funny because I think, and I guess I'm not super keen into like we talked way back in the beginning of like this, you know, polarization or hostility that you think is a thing of as a result of being a critic. But you're You're not a dream crusher. You're the opposite. You're and you're an inspired you. You are liking to inspire the artists.

Oh, I shoot on records. But the thing is, like I always have it in my mind that like the next one could be better.

Of course, yeah, it was optimistic.

I don't want I don't want anyone's career to be over because of a review.

That nobody making a bad review means that. But I mean, but nobody making a bad but nobody making ten bad albums means that the next one's fucking doomed.

Right exactly? I mean maybe ten, Yeah, I mean at the point where it's ten, maybe that person's musical style just isn't for you, you know, at the point where it's ten albums and.

Also does this the whole aspect of it not being for you? You know, I find that fascinating.

Which is fair. I think I think it's valid to review things based on that perspective, as long as you come at it from the perspective like this is just my opinion.

Hello, Hello, how are you Joe?

I'm okay.

How are you, Anthony?

I'm glad to hear You're doing good? Joe?

How can we help you today? What's going on? How's life? What is it you'd like to talk about this evening?

Okay? So I was seeing someone and we actually first started hanging out during a hurricane, but our first date essentially was going to a funeral home together. It just kind of happened that I got asked if I wanted to go in the hearse and I was like, well, I've never been in a hearst before, so like why not? So I went with him and his friend actually, and then we got there, parted the hearts and they like want to go inside, And I mean, it.

Is this weird to be of even wait.

To say, what what? What? What? What's what's the reason for all this access? Does this guy does? Does this guy work at the mortuary or at the funeral.

Home his friend currently does, but he used to as like body removal.

Got it, okay, So so that's the reason he had access to the hearse in the first place.

Yes, he was driving the hearse and need to return it, okay.

And so so was this really a date? It just kind of sounds like this guy was a little weird and morbid and want and wanted to show you some dead stuff and just why why would that make it just to see how you would react?

Why would that make it not a date?

Was it was that involved.

You? It sounds can I say, it sounds like you're into fucked up like more like what's the word macabre? It sounds like you're into micabre stuff too.

Yeah, I mean kind of. I like don't outwardly express in a way that I'm into those things, but like my art is very dark, so I feel like people don't assume that about me. But he definitely had like seen my artwork and things like that, Okay, So I think he like at the time it was like also kind of around Halloween and like I was doing a lot of gore special effects makeup stuff like that.

Is anyone in the situation.

Else I would say my best friend is but I'm not like I wear Lulu Lemon, like I look like a basic bitch. I have blond hair, blue eyes, tails, fuckskin, But I'm like, your mind is.

Just filled with disturbing images that you have to get out on in an artistic fashion.

Yeah, well to press to preface this, I've had a bunch of fucked things happen in my life. But this summer, when I was in New.

York City, I witnessed like two different murders.

Like different parts of different murders. So that kind of that was like the first time I saw a dead body was in this summer, So that was.

Like a lot.

So in regards to this, like you know, corpse trip that this person took you on, like are you process are you are you seeking guidance or understanding and how to process it? Are you feeling some type of way about the whole situation or.

Yeah, I think that it kind of sent me into a spiral. I didn't expect because with the stuff that happened this summer, I had a really hard time processing it at first. But my mom is a firefighter and she was like, move on, like I've seen dead bodies and like, it's not that big of a deal. And I started to feel guilty, Like there are people in war stricken countries that see the ship as kids, Like it's not that big of a deal.

It's like, yeah, but they do. But no, no, no, no, don't don't. Don't don't say that. Don't say that, because because for those kids, they're traumatized too. And while your mom I'm sure has seen some horrible things and has had to push through that dude to her job. You know, witnessing surprise, witnessing a murder is kind of a different thing than being somebody who's a first responder knowing that the likelihood is high that you may go into a situation that is dangerous.

I'm still I still want to know we haven't gotten into this. How, Like how was the date with the guy? Like the date?

Okay, yeah, let's find of guy. So first we went in and then he like took me into this one room and I thought it was just going to be like to see the tools and stuff, like it was pretty like aesthetically pleasing, so I'm like looking around whatever, and then I noticed that there's like two like what strutchers, I guess with blue sheets over them, and I like process, like, okay, those are people. And then he walked over and like uncovers them, and I'm like, oh, and I didn't. I

And I was like.

It's cool.

What can I so after? Are you can I ask this? Are you did it go in such a way that you would like to see him again?

I have?

And I mean it went from that to then he took Then there was a freezer, and then there were a lot more bodies in the freezer, and then we went and sat in like where they have the services and his friend played the piano and we like sat there and listened to me and it was kind of romantic. But yeah, and then I kept saying, so I.

Can't and like, just forgive me if this I just I can't tell if you had a good time on this date or not, right, because you're saying it's romantic and then you saw the guy again, but also then you were traumatized.

That were triggering.

Yeah, I don't know either, Like.

So okay, okay, So so you've seen this guy again since then? Right?

Yes?

Okay, Now when you saw him again, did you have a normal date or did you go back to your dead bodies and have another hang out with them? Like, you know, is this guy capable of like, can this guy take you to a movie or you know, bring you out to dinner or maybe like you know, hit the arcade with you or whenever you hang out with him? Is he just bringing you to the dead body place?

But if he's a vampire, I think I'm imagining him as like I.

Think they prefer fresh, fresh, fresh meat fresh.

Yeah that's true, that's true.

But but but yeah, have you have you been going on regular dates since this?

Well we went to a museum.

Okay, that's a regular date.

Okay, wait, wait what the kind of museum was it?

I can't really explain without giving away too much of my location. And technically this stuff before is like possibly illegal, so I'm not going to say. But it was definitely like a weird museum, not an art museum, but kind of.

But I don't dead things that were now were there dead things in this museum.

That there were?

Actually it's not like it's not like a museum where they have taxidermied animals. There's like weird dead stuff in it.

No, there were talks to animals too. It's like it's like a collection.

Okay, wait, I don't, okay, I don't. I kind of want to guess it because I have an idea of what it is, but also I don't want it.

You go to the weird did you go to?

Do you go to the mother museum? So what mother museum? No? Is that what it's called?

Nor mind?

This is a museum in Philly.

I think it's called the mud Museum that has like okay, okay, okay, okay, he took you another like we don't want me to give up your location. Was this a weird museum? Was it weird?

Yeah?

I mean it's been weird every time and then it I mean.

Like how many how many times you?

Oh, I've seen him a lot of times, but it's never been normal.

Okay, okay, okay, every single time you see him.

It's here's here's my question. Okay, do you enjoy this guy's company or is he just consistently weirding you out? Or are you in some way attracted to that?

I think maybe I think that I struggle with the balance of that, like I am on the outside, I look very simple and basic, where I do appreciate when people can understand that maybe I might be interested in things like that. Like I mean, I listen to this stream all the time. I'm like a fairly chronically online person,

Because then and I didn't think.

I liked him, and I tried to move on. I went on to normal dates with another guy, and then I still was like thinking about him, and I was.

Like, dang, is this guy similar to you as you're describing. Is he kind of like you know, quote unquote a basic bitch too, but he's kind of into dark stuff?

No, a Chad, He's like, No, he's like a nerdy emo boy.

Okay, he's a nerdy emo boy. I mean, you know that's that's fine. Okay, here's the most important thing. Okay, So this guy's taking you on weird dates, like in terms of a personal dynamic with him, do you feel safe with him and around him? Does he put you off in any kind of weird way outside of like going on these odd little excursions, like you know, when you guys talk, do you feel like you can be open with him? You know? Can you guys laugh together? Do you feel like you have a crush on him?

I want to hear more about the actual relate and not like what's the relationship with you?

Because listen, as long as you have like healthy relationship foundations going on, being into dark stuff is okay, you know, as long as there's not like any kind of mistreatment and openness and there's honesty there. Like, as long as that stuff is happening, you guys can be into as much weird dark shit as you want.

So, so tell us about the actual person himself and the relationship that you guys have.

Whoa I over the break.

I'm in college, so like over the winter break, I went home. I was having a pretty difficult time mentally, and I think that he also struggles mentally, and my roommate and best friends are like, she's also struggling mentally.

So it was kind of a lot and I kind of.

Went home and stepped away from all of it and was like, I don't know how I'm going to get better if I'm trying to fix all these other people around me. And so I think that that's an issue currently, is that I feel really enabled in my bad habits when I'm around these people, but they're also the people that I care about, because I do feel like I care about them, especially my best friend.

But I do.

So, yeah, I have kind of had destructive habits.

What bad or destructive habits are you? I don't know.

I don't know how triggering I should be on here.

I don't want to say anything to bigger people.

So it's stuff that is the stuff that you would characterize as being destructive to yourself.

Yeah, yeah, Like it's not hurting other it's not anything that is harming other people.

It's like just all like and.

And this this guy also influences you in this way too, or just these friends that you're talking about.

Well, I think with a particular instance is something that was that I was really struggling with and still somewhat am like he just knew about it and overlooked it and then kind of the red flag that I mean.

Obviously there were other red flags.

With the red flag that made me kind of distance myself was that he like made jokes about it in front of other people and like never talk to me about it, like, and he was the only one that really knew what was happening.

Respect is a pretty pivotal thing in any relationship, be it platonic or romantic. And if he's sort of like airing out your dirty laundry like that and then making light of it and sort of making you the butt of a joke, like, that's that's that's that's a level of insensitivity that you shouldn't be subjecting yourself to.

Yeah, I think that I if I get into the whole analysis of like my own brain, and where I feel like this comes from is that like I don't know who my dad is, and I had like a fairly absent mother, and I feel.

Like I and I my first.

Ever real boyfriend was like abusive to the point that then he tried to murder the girlfriend after me and went to jail, like he was insane. And I've just had consistently I've chosen the wrong thing, and I don't even know how to look for the right thing. If I've just been like I don't know. Obviously, these are red flags, like I'm not stupid, but at the same time, I'm like, I don't know if it's that I deserve it or if it's a I don't know any better, but I don't know how to overcome that.

If if you feel comfortable saying so, how old are you, I'm twenty one, Okay, you're You're still at a pretty young age in terms of like understanding the dynamics of relationships. A lot of people don't even really know or understand what an ideal relationship or what a relationship that would be fulfilling to them looks like until they're in there

Thank you.

That's all I like really needed to hear that.

Yeah, and again, there's there's nothing wrong with like being into dark stuff or having experiences in your past that were traumatic and expressing that or you know through either art or you know, other you know, experiences where it's like low stakes or whatever. Because maybe you have a curiosity because of something that you've gone through. That's that's fine, that's healthy, that's normal. Lots of people have that, you know.

Hey, you feeling, Joe.

I'm feeling somewhat relieved and validated and also like this is breaking the fourth wall in a way.

And good good mhmm, yeah, I think.

I.

I I liked everything you were saying, man about how like you need to you, well, you need to kind of like let yourself be okay with just learning these things by experience and not like beating yourself up about it. Especially I I it was sad to hear you say that you felt like you somehow deserved it. Yeah, you know, because that's that's not that's not true, And I don't

That's that's a common experience with people that experience prolonged bouts of either mistreatment or abuse or whatever, because sometimes the only way you have to rationalize it is to think, well, I must have done something, you know, because the thing is sometimes the truth, which like is just a really bad, unfair thing. That's happening to you is really difficult to contend with because maybe you're not at a point where you feel like you can change it or overcome it,

Joe, is there anything else that you want to say about this or to me or Anthony or the people of the computer before we go?

I think I just want to say thank you so much for what you do.

Gack.

I listen to your stream like every day practically definitely help.

So thank you for.

Some hard times. And can I ask to like wrap up since you ask Anthony in the beginning, what's the most persistent thought on your mind?

Oh man, the most persons thought on my mind is I knew it was gonna flipped on me at some point. Oh, it's mainly about it's many the fact that time is fleeting and I'm it's mainly it's mainly an ever constant evaluation of my entire life and how I'm spending my time and if if it's good, if if I should give up my uh entire ego and go be naked on a beach and renounce all of my possessions and relationships and finding the balance between that and you know,

No, if that made sense, just know that I think it would make me and a whole lot of other people really sad if you just disappeared one day. But you gotta do what you gotta do and what makes you happy.

I will be a gecko on the computer for as long as people are willing to watch me be a gecko.

Right, you could eventually get to a point where you just broadcast from some kind of fortress of solitude.

Yeah, you know, like that'd be sad though.

Like like a couple, like like a couple hours you know, for for three streams a week, but then the rest of the time what you're living in the forest. I mean that's not a bad trade off.

Well, I ideally, now I'm just getting on a tangent, but I ideally I want to make more stuff where I'm out in the world, you know, Like I'm going on this crazy tour, and I like talking. I like I like talking to computer people, but I also I really I in person people people, people people, And I've enjoyed talking to you, Joe, and I hope that you continue to, you know, navigate this the best that you can and you know, feel good about yourself.

Yeah, have a beautiful night.

Thank you for everything you as well.

Thank you Joe, you know Joe, Like with the previous caller, with the the music stuff, I feel like societally, there's just way too much pressure on people to have everything figured out at a very young age. Yeah, Like by my mid twenties, I better have this music thing figured out or I'm going to give up on it. I feel really bad at twenty one that I don't know what the ideal relationship looks like to me, Like, You're You're never gonna have everything figured out. No, you know,

And so I just like, as a final thought on that is you know it.

Uh.

Once I realized that because I was looking at my I was reading my journals, and I realized that my problem, every problem I had like four years ago or whatever, completely fixed those problems, not every problem, but a lot of them, and now they just have been replaced. And so now I'm like, oh, that indicates to me that I will forever have problems. And I that with that

Do about that.

Solving them won't solve them in a strange way, mister Anthony Fantana, tell me before we go, before we wrap this all up, what did you did you learn anything today? What is your What do you make of the calls we've been talking to people on the phone. How long have we been talking to people on the phone for nearly three and a half hours. Do you have any final thoughts sentiments about the themes of anything. I'll just I'll let you.

I love coming on here and helping people. It's fun. That's that's what I was most excited to do. Yeah.

Yeah, I'm so glad you were able to come on this man, and you were natural, and everyone loved you, and I and I I I was It's nice that I can really hear in the people's voices that you know what, the stuff that you were saying got through to them and that this is really cool.

Yeah, and that they love what you do. I mean, I wouldn't be here doing this if not for the fact that you. I feel ridiculous saying that because I'm in a gecko costume, but uh, you get used. I wouldn't be here if you didn't build this thing, so it's it's all. It's all you, buddy.

I appreciate that, man, and thanks. I'm glad you actually listened to the I'm stoked that you actually listen to the podcast.

Yeah, I love the podcast.

Hell, I'm glad man. Thank you.

I've recommended numerous friends of mine in the podcast or made them listen to it with me.

I appreciate that. Yeah, thank you very much.

Yeah, no problem, I'm a fan. I'm stoked.

Thanks man, I gotta check out more of your stuff.

You don't have to, but only if you want to.

Anthony Man, thank you very much for coming on.

I really appreciate it. I appreciate it, folks.

Ghek bless you all. Thank you very much for coming. But check out Anton if you don't already know Anthony Fantano. He's a prolific musical critic. He has a YouTube channel called The Needle Drop. Go check that out.

Music reviews all the time.

And live life, do things and peace be with you. Jack bless.

Kon goes on the line taking your phone calls every night.

The Deacon goes doing his ride. He's teaching you aloud in them of your life. But he's not really an expert.