All from Johnny.
Hello, Hello Johnny, what's going on?
Well, Man, I'm chilling, I'm breathing. I'm doing all right, you know.
Yeah, that's uh, that's pretty good. That's pretty good. If you can breathe, that's like a good sign of prosperity in my book.
Yeah, thankful for it, man, I'm glad to be here.
So what's up, Johnny? What do you want to talk about?
Well, I had a pretty rough three years since graduated high school. I've like lost a lot of friends over the past three years, been in a pretty terrible relationship, just like going through.
My twenties, you know, and you're what twenty one?
I am twenty one?
Why did you lose a lot of friends?
So I kind of just gradually stopped talking to them because I don't know if it's just like a standard with high school friends that you know, over time you
just lose them. But I don't know. I kind of felt like, like, I don't know, it was just I was really disrespected a lot, and I wasn't the most I don't know, I wasn't the best guy either, but I kind of get made fun of a lot, like I'm a pretty big dude and Uh, they'd kind of make fun of me for them, say a whole lot of other terrible things, and you know, I just felt like I grew out of them, you know, But I don't know, Like last year, I was on a three
month drug binge and I was just like holding grudges all the time, Like my friends would kind of do things that slightly annoyed me. And I think with the with the drug use and like Chris, I just stop talking to them. I really pushed everyone away and they led me having a manic episode and I went to a mental hospital spent about ten days there.
So let me ask you this, when you talk to real therapists about these issues, what do they tell you.
What's funny is I actually had two therapists, and uh, we kind of talked about the present moment and what I'm doing at the time, you know. There I I guess the weird thing about therapy is when you've talked to therapists, you're always talking about what's going on in the present time so that you're okay now. And you know, I don't think I really talked about a lot of the crazy stuff that happened in the past. More they like just the reason why it happened and how I
can understand it. So I guess they just kind of try to help me understand it more.
Okay, And has that been successful and helped you understand the past?
I understood that I need to be very careful with my life, I mean, especially with friends. I'll be honest, man, Like I I first got high when I was eight years old, and it wasn't even my fault. I didn't even know what I was doing. I found a can of computer duster and I put my mouth on it and some air came out, and I like finished the whole can. And that's when I was eight years old, high off computer duster. And I'm surprised I'm not dead, dude.
Like just that and smoking weed at fourteen has led to a chain reaction of drug abuse and a lot of pain, and it's really turnished a lot of my relationships.
What do you what is your relationship like with drugs now?
The only thing I abused at the moment it's adderall. I have a really bad habit of like eating a bunch of adderall and like watching porn for a long time. So yeah, but yeah.
Man, so no adderall, adderall definitely makes it. Adderall like taking a bunch of Adderall and jerking off for like an entire day. I've been there before. It's uh, it's an intoxicating combination.
And I'm glad you can relate.
Man.
I was a little scared to tell you that because I was like, oh, dude, I'm gonna be aner man if people are gonna know me as a uner on the internet forever. You know what I mean?
Nah, Man, that's what I mean, Adderall. I mean in my experience with Adderall, and I'm talking about and by the way, I'm just talking about ship. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. But it's just you, you and me, two fucking dudes having a chat right here.
That's what this is. So for me, Adderall, I felt like it always made me like optimistic, you know what I mean, Because like I was going through life like in a very like depressed mood, and Adderall like elevates you and makes you think that all your hopes and dreams are possible, and then you celebrate that by by jacking off for six hours. That's been my experience, dude, Yeah, easy, you know how it is, man, It's the last time I did it was Sunday, which was yesterday.
So you know the problem with being an addict is you always say like one last time and like my last time, little I guess, like I just I ran out of adderall so like I can't really do it anymore. But it just sucks because like my jopamine is gonna be low shit and I kind of get anxiety, so I'm gonna have to wait three months for that's a level out. But you know, I'm not doing coughs if anymore.
I hate lead now, Like I have some medicals in my closet, but uh, I don't do them because I was actually, uh, it's gonna sound really stupid, but it was kind of a Ricky not really a Rocky steak, but I just people have gone to the emergency room before. I took a shit, some edibles and drank some cost syrup. My heart was beating like super fast and I got scared, so I kind of told my parents about it, So yeah,
that kind of happened. Yeah, And I also last two years ago, I drank a bunch of Costs here and now my memory is completely shot. I have a hard time cognitively and I can't even remember last week or
what I did yesterday other than the adderall. It sucks, dude, because I was I felt like I could have been really smart, Like I could have not really like a genius, but I could have been a bright dude, and just me continuously self sabotaging and going back into the whole where I'm comfortable with, like I want to stay there and I never want to get better, Like I'm not really doing it in school right now, but I'm not
worried about it. I can still take it up. I also kind of failed college like three or four times. This wasn't the best thing ever, but I'm trying to change of major.
So, man, I got a lot of thoughts on what you just said. The first thing is this like idea, like you're it always. You know, you're twenty one, and you've like, I don't know why you've like written yourself off as like I thought I could be smart and now I'm a dumb piece of shit forever. You know, I don't know what it is in your brain that's made you decide that, so so finitely, what is it that you and I know you're talking about, like not
being good in school? But I've I've I mean, I don't think that school is the ultimate measure of success and smartness that a human beings. So I'll ask you this, what is it that you want to do with your life.
I have a lot of interest. There's a lot of things I want to do. In terms of money. I'm pursuing cybersecurity or something tech related. So that's that's my money issue. Uh, that's what I'm gonna do for money. But you know, last year I kind of discovered I had a creative impulse and I want to write a book. I'm writing a book right now. It's based on a
couple of conspiracy theories and I draw sometimes. So I guess I just I want to make money so I can be financially stable, and I want to make money so I can like fund my creative passions and maybe one day I can make money for my creative passions.
Yeah, yeah, I mean those are both great.
Man.
I guess if if we can for a second, I'll want to understand why you have written yourself off as permanently dumb.
I think because well, I've been called like stupid and retarded a lot by you know, the friends that I kind of grew out of and it's really tough when now I guess this is like an old lesson that I kind of learned. But it's it's really tough to think you're not something and people will constantly tell you that you're a certain thing, and you know, it's like who gives a ship about what people say? Fuck them?
But it's tough when everything you do around a certain group of friends is like not acceptable and you just feel really stupid. And also the second thing is I kind of just noticed that my memory isn't.
What it used to be.
I mean, oh, yeah, yeah, that's another thing. So I guess I it's not really smart of me, and I'm not really having a gross mind sort of being proactive when I'm kind of writing myself off like that. I'm actually really glad you said that, because now I can I can do I can do whatever I want. It's just it's tough, you know, tough kind of get into that spot where you can realize like, oh, it doesn't matter what I did in the past, I can I can get out there.
And do you have anyone do you have anyone in your life who is supportive of you as a person?
Yeah, I Actually I was alone for a really long time, but I recently reconnected with some friends and I got some people, you know, like small group of dudes and my family obviously. Yeah, there's they're supportive, they're they're cool people. You know, shout out? Can I shout out some people real quick? That?
Ye?
Shout You can shout out your friends?
Yeah, shout out as.
They're full first in last names for socials too, and the social Evan nick.
Yeah, we got Evan, Nikki, Glennie, Bobby and gagey. Uh.
Do you have a friend named Glenny and a friend named Bobby? Or is this one friend named Glenny Bobby?
Oh, it's one friend named Glenny Bobby. He's pretty cool.
What is that his last name or his first name?
No, that's that's just what we call him. I mean that's what I call him, to call him Glenny Bobby.
Well ship man, I mean, it's how do you know these fellas?
Uh, we all went to the same middle school.
Okay, so wait, so this is a different group than the group who was who were being Uh yeah yeah so this is a.
Different yeah yeah, different group, but we all kind of knew each other back then. Yeah, yeah, a different group definitely.
Well, I mean ship man, I'll say this, Uh, that whole thing of like people tell you that you're something, it's hard to not believe that you're that thing. But like, dude, at the end of the day, like I don't know, I think you gotta end up. You gotta figure out a way to surmise your own opinions of yourself from within and not relying on other people. That goes for
positive things too, by the way. Uh, it's something that's something that people get tripped up about, right because if you start, you know, everyone thinks, everyone around you keeps calling you smart and awesome and amazing, and then you just get your your your rocks off by how by you get your ego boosted by it by what other people think of you instead of what what the what the ideal?
I mean?
I don't know, I fucking don't. I hate talking on here about like what the ideal healthy thing to do is because I don't know, because I'm trying to figure
this shit out myself. But like it seems to me that the ideal healthy thing to do is to, like, whether you know, get your idea of who you are from from within and not rely on the opinions of other people, both you know, believing them when they tell you negative things and believing them when they tell you positive things, and just fucking uh, you know, believing what you decide to believe about yourself. Well, that's cool, man. You're gonna become a hacker. You're gonna hack shit.
And you know what's funny is cybersecurity is such a broad term. There's a lot of like different shit that goes into it. And I kind of don't know what I want to do. I just I kind of took a step forward and said, right, I'm going for so I don't know. Hopefully I can take something relatively like okay, and I feel like I'm good with technology, so I can help.
Let me ask you, So I want to make money. When I was in fifth grade, uh, my friends hacked into my Webkins account, And by hacked, I meant I told them my password and they logged in and they stole These motherfuckers stole all of my furniture from my Webkins room and it's in their account now and I'm still pissed off about it. Can we do you have the skills to locate the sixteen year old Webkins account and get back in and take my stuff back. Can we do that, you know, just.
A therapy get go for all the times you use helps me fall asleep. I sure will. What's the what's the Webkins name account? Oh?
I don't even know. I don't even I actually don't even remember.
Yeah, I still I'll still try to do it.
I think my password was like Mario sixty four or something like that.
That's a good password.
Well, shit, man, I don't. I just I hope if you get genuinely, you seem like a really smart, really good guy, and so I hope, uh, genuinely that if you get anything out of this phone call, it's just whatever you fucking do. Dude, don't write yourself off. It's like, it's the it's the saddest thing to me when other people, when people like write them selves off permanently, especially so young, because I really and it's hard. I've been in the
thick of it. I write myself off constantly. And it's like, maybe you do need an outside perspective to tell you that you're cashing into early by believing that you're gonna be dumb forever because you have some paint. I mean, biologically, you have lost some brain cells. That's true. You're gonna have to hold the element. But that's fine, that's fine, that's fine. You know, you don't need that many brain cells to function in society. And having shitty I mean,
I have shitty memory. I've been like smoking a fucking pot every day for years. And that's why when people that's why people tell me their name and I forget it instantly. But whatever, you know, I can still function in society and be a human being and provide value to myself and others, and so can you. God damn it.
Sorry, I'm just I'm so glad the person outside of myself to tell you that. With the therapy, get go.
So, Johnny, is there anything else that you wanted to talk about or or fucking any any any anything before we go.
My name is Johnny Karate. I like sucking Cox, linging rock, sucking dick and eaton klitz.
Nice later on, Johnny Karate, thank you.
I love your therapy. I go take care.
That guy's got some cool hobbies. Hey, folks, this is Lyle. I am very excited to announce that I am going back on tour in twenty twenty four to do Therapy Gecko live all across the country. If you've never been to one of my live shows before, they are extremely fun, unpredictable, wild evenings that involve a mix of group Gecko therapyessions as well as some material and presentations from myself. And if you've been to the show before, I have new
presentations and will of course be interviewing new people. If you're a fan of the podcast, you're gonna have a great time at the live show, So I hope to see you guys there. Go to Therapy geckotour dot com or check the link in the episode description for a
full list of cities where tickets are available. Also, if you don't see your city on the list of cities, please still click the link and RSVP with your phone number so I can contact you when tickets go on sale for your city, because I'm going to announce a bunch more dates very soon. Gek Bluss Yo, Hey, Hey, Hey, what's your name? Yeah? This is this is this is the Gek you know what? I actually meant to call someone else, but uh, let's talk. Let's talk. What's up man? What's your name?
Mick Love? Yes?
What can I do?
What can I do you for.
I am in a creative slump at the.
Moment, Okay, I.
I kind of do YouTube a little bit mm hmm, and later on down the line, I just I just kind of quit. I don't know how to Sorry, I'm kind of nervous. I didn't think I was going to get a car.
What kind of YouTube videos you make?
H different? You know, junk junk videos? I talk about ship. I have a video that I made a big rant about a light bulb that uses Wi Fi.
A light bulb that uses Wi Fi? What kind of light bulb is this?
Uh?
I don't know. It's called micro or some ship micro?
Okay, So what what do you mean by junk videos?
Like I just talked about the ship and all that, and I'm I started doing reviews of games.
Mm hmmm.
Like we're just talking about different stuff, kind of like a moist.
Critical as you texted me actually and you said you said what you said? You said, I used to do crazy experiments.
What is antal thing I'll go through so.
Back?
I'm hoping this is because it use it was kind of sexual.
Is that?
Okay?
What what kind of experiments were these?
Well?
I wanted to see what things will feel good to my penis. Okay, So I actually made my name up on valery. You probably look it up somewhere. And I stick my I wanted to see how it felt to stick my penis and uh, Wendy Frosty's.
And how did it feel.
It was like a fucking uh, let's see frostbite. It did not feel great. I had to use fucking heat, the heat just to fucking get it out directly from the fuck event.
What do you like?
It got stuck in there?
It kind of did. Yeah.
What flavor frosty was it?
Uh? I think it was strawberry.
How long did you leave your penis submerged in the frosty?
Forty five minutes?
You put your penis in a frosty for forty five minutes.
Yes, and that's where the thing came from. I come and Wendy's Frosty's and that was my steam name for a long time.
So this is a real video that I like. If I looked for it on YouTube.
No, oh no, just's say the video. This is what I used to do with the kids. Then there was no videos of it.
Wait, uh oh, okay, so you so when just when you were a kid, you you did weird experiments like this.
Yeah, okay, why did you think?
Why'd you do it for forty five minutes?
I don't know. I forgot about a condo.
What other experience?
Well, I uh, let's see, I wanted to try putting in gravy. That wasn't the great. Uh, there was one time that this is when it kind of stopped. But I used to work at Butterball, the Turkey.
Place and.
Butterball butall turkey plant And I'll ask one of my coworkers, Hey, you steal a turkey stuck, can do a expeeriment to it real quick?
You're talking with me right now?
No, I'm not, okay, I'm being dead ass.
You told your coworker to make a turkey bawl for you to stick your penis in.
No, no, no, I said, We're going to steal a whole turkey, the whole last turkey, and take it somewhere. I'll just go to see how it feels and to just throw it away, is it?
I get that's like a that's like beast reality and necrophilia kind of.
Well, the turkey was dead and it's like skinned and everything.
Yeah, that's what I'm mean, but.
That was old me. I don't do that ship anymore.
Yeah, it was it a raw turkey.
Yeah.
What what happened to your penis after you did that?
Uh? I'd have built too good.
See this is weird. What's the like, what's the ethics on turkey necrophilia? Because like a lot of people eat turkeys and that's bad. I guess, But well, I guess that's that that's okay. But if you and it's obviously it's not okay to have sex with a live turkey, but if it's okay to kill turkey? Whiz? Is it?
Oh?
It's probably. I mean i'm leaning towards No, I'm leaning towards it's not. But I guess why is it bad? Why can you not fuck a dead turkey but you can eat it?
That's a good question.
I don't know if it is a good question.
You know, yeah, it's not a good question. You're right, You're right.
So is that is that? Is that all of your experiments that I.
Can think of? Okay, but about the turkey, I didn't actually get to do it.
Oh you didn't actually stick your penis in the turkey?
No?
Okay, I mean that's why did you get fired because be and.
My buddy we're walking out with it and we both got fired.
The person who fired you didn't find out what you were actually planning to do with the turkey, did they?
Oh? No, I said I was, and give it to my uh, to my cousin with cancer.
Wow, that's I guess that's the opposite of fucking a turkey is giving it to a guy with cancer. Yeah, I guess the opposite. What I guess the opposite of fucking a turkey would be. I guess it would be not fucking a turkey. But that's not really an opposite. That's more just like a absence. Yeah, so you're in a creative rut? Why are you in a creative rut?
That was a word creative rut? It because I don't feel like my prom isn't really good. Like I guess, you just had to keep posting until something happens.
As well.
Some people told me, what.
Do you Why do you think your content's not good?
Oh? I don't know.
Well, you can't. You have this feel a whole on But you have this feeling right now that is creating a creative rut to you for you, and you can't even express why you have that feeling.
Well, I I think it's because I've done it x amount of like gears, and then nothing really has grown like I've I had. I made like three channels. I kind of put down two of them and start a new one.
Okay, what kind of video you want?
Well, I haven't posted any lately, mostly game videos that I made. My I made like a whole video of me streaming uh elder ring. Then I, like I said, I talk about dumb ship, uh make reviews for games. I'm actually working on a review with a buddy, but it's taken a long time because my computer blew up.
So let me ask you this. Are you having fun? Are you enjoying making these videos?
I did? Yeah, before my blew up?
You did before your computer blew up? What do you mean?
So? I was making a video and my my scream scar discovering and I heard all he was hurt, and my computer just fucking blew up the power supply. All right, it was the old computers.
Like, what do you make? What are you making videos with? Now?
I bought one?
Okay, are you having on making the videos that you're making on the computer? You're making them with now.
Well, I haven't stolen yet because I had to do that whole process again of like making sure my sound is good. I've been trying to work extra hard. I do door d ash and and I work at a different job.
Okay, because look, I know it's like, I know it sounds trying to know what everyone says, but it is true. It's like, as long as you're having fun with the actual process of making the videos, the outcome is irrelevant because all the outcome does is enable you to live in more of the process kind.
Of the the outcome is a motivator, is.
A motivator, Yeah, it's a motivator. Yeah, it is a motivator, And it's a legitimate motivator because you can get addicted to watching videos like blow up and stuff. But at the end of the day, the real motivation should should be just from a simple enjoyment of actually making the videos themselves. Okay, And if you're doing that, you're winning, you know.
M And there's another thing. I'm trying to get My brother's thirteen. We we'll call him Johnny. Yeah, I'm trying to get him, you know. Now, have to work the nine of even all that bullshit you know, I want to make a game with him, but I don't know where to start.
Do you want to make a game with your thirteen year old brother?
Yeah? Yeah, I've already made like I've already made like a project name. It was a It was a project that I had an idea for for a fucking long time. It was over like dreams I've had of it, and it was a The project name was a called tron Try gone X. Okay, yeah, and it's kind of a little bit like thar On Phantasies in a way, but but still it's going to have his own elements.
So you're asking me how to make a video game?
No, I guess, Yeah.
Dude, I don't know how to make a video game.
Okay, okay, Well how would you think we start.
In a way, I dude, My answer is you google how to make a video game. I mean, I don't know, man, there's other day like I I'm sorry, I don't have any better advice for you other than to look it up, you know, ask chat GPT. By the way that goes for it, By the way that that honestly almost certain that kind of goes for anyone who would ever call into this podcast to ask me anything. I was just ask chat GPT. You'll actually give you a way better answer than anything that I will say. Really, yeah, I
use chat. I ask chat GPT about all everything. It's great. I'm so I'm excited for AI to take over or humanity because it's it's kind of better than humanity in some degrees.
It's more objective in a way, but a little scary in my opinion.
But yeah, man, maybe I'll make a geck GPT that uh, I don't know what the fuck it would do. But but anyway, Yeah, man, why don't you just go on make going like RPG maker or like just google how to make a video game? Yeah, I'll just But no matter what, I'm just glad that you you've evolved beyond sticking your dick and frosties and you're trying to do more productive things. That's That's what I've gleaned from this conversation.
Uh mcloven, is anything else you want to say to the people of the computer before we go?
Stay safe out there and keep your dreams alive.
All right, man, I look forward to catching your game on Steamy love me, go take care man.
You too.
Hi, Hey, Hey, what's up man?
Not much?
What's your name? I'm gonna call you Alex.
Hi, you can call me Joe.
Okay. I wanted to call you Alex because I'm gonna forget if I I've I've learned now because I just fuck I forget everyone's name because I have some weird form of brain damage, I think, and I've noticed that I'll remember people's names better if I give them a name.
Okay, Alex is good?
Do you prefer? If you prefer Joe, I'll call you Joe.
Honestly, it's it's your show.
You do whatever you want.
It's all good.
What I want is for you know what. I'm gonna call you Alex? Alex? What's up man? How can I get you today? Uh?
It's going pretty good.
Yeah.
I mean I just these sort of intrusive thoughts for a while, and I just sort of wanted to talk about it.
Okay, what kind of into thoughts.
It's sort of intrusive thoughts about harming people.
Mm hmm. How long have it? It's not go ahead.
It's been happening like a long time. I'm not sure exactly when it started, but it's just sort of whenever I have like a negative like a memory with the negative association to it. I just get these sort of intrusive thoughts where I want to like hurt someone or like I just get it's not comfortable for me, you know, It's like it makes me feel like I'm like I could potentially be dangerous to people around me, and it's just I don't know why it happens.
Are they are you trying to? Are you are these interestive thoughts about hurting specific people or just people?
No, it's it's never anybody specific.
Have you ever spoke look into a real therapist about this?
No?
What's preventing you from doing that?
I guess I don't really respect Western therapy.
Sure, yeah, I empathize with that. Yeah, I know I I I empathize with that plight of not respecting uh, Western therapy. But I do think if if you really are struggling with this thing where you feel like you might be a potential danger to other people, and it's like totally fucking you up. Uh, you know it's it's it's within your agency to attempt to do something about it, right, and and and talking to somebody who maybe you know, look,
I'm just a dumbass and a gecko costume. And I think talking to somebody who actually understands how these thoughts work would be helpful to you. And I've actually been thinking about this because I know that you know a lot of people that just can't afford therapy. I don't know if you haven't even shure that's.
Definitely part of it too.
I'm not I don't have money.
Do you insurance?
I'm not insurance don't covered therapy though, Okay, I mean I liked the idea of just sort of talking to somebody as more of a clean slate understanding of things just from you know, their own life experience. I don't think there's necessarily that much value and like the education that a therapist would have, and I and like you got like a fifty to fifty shot of getting a good one.
Sure, I respect those thoughts, but it's still worth it to try. I'm kind of a hypocrite because I've also been like kind of avoidant with actual therapy myself. But what the fuck was I going to say? The money thing? I mean, I actually I'm going to get back to one of this because I've actually been thinking about this a lot because there's so many people who like you know,
struggle with like they just can't fucking afford it. And I think that there are resources out there to get it, to get real therapy, like through like a community center or a college or something like that.
But yeah, they definitely are. I just honestly, I just haven't looked into its.
Okay, Like low, I feel like, so I my whole thing is I'm perpetually like playing house here. You know, I'm not a real theory. I'm just like fucking chilling, trying to make a podcast, trying to have fun, trying to you know, that's.
Really more more what I'm looking for than an actual like sit down healing.
No, no, no, no, no, these are not too These are not two things. This is not an either or this is this. We can do them both, you know what I mean. Like, I'm happy to talk to you about this stuff, but you should talk to a real person as well.
Yeah, honestly, I think it's just for me. It's it's been something that's tough to talk about. It's like not something that's that's really really accepted, and it's just I mean, like, this is the first time I've ever like verbalized.
This at all ever to anyone.
So it's just, yes, how old are you?
Okay, how long have you been having these thoughts?
Definitely at least the last few years, and I honestly don't know when it started.
Okay, you've never acted on any of these thoughts, have you?
No.
I have trained a lot of martial arts, and I've like there have been times where I've accidentally hurt someone, Like one time I in wrestling, I've like seriously hurt somebody's knee, and that like like that's something that I almost had like PTSD from for a while, just like like the sound of somebody's knee getting ripped apart.
Well as should was it was that in high school or college?
It was it was actually afterwards I was, uh twenty one. It is training at a jiu jitsu gym, in a wrestling classic gym.
But that did that have anything to do with these these thoughts that you have.
No, It's almost like it feels like like the opposite, you know, like when I have like a memory of that, it's like it's painful for me, and then I get that same sort of feeling when I have one.
Of these.
Okay, mm hmm, How often. How often do you have these thoughts.
At least daily?
Okay, mm hmm. Do you do you notice like specific like stimulus that bring these thoughts on?
Yeah, like usually if I remember uh like it could be anything, but like some sort of memory with the negative association or it will usually trigger m hm. That kind of interesting thought for me.
Hold on, someone strove by uh my apartment blasting music really loudly, and you know it's triggering some of minds truest of thoughts as well.
Mhmm.
I I well, okay, let me, I guess, let me do this because I really do think you got to go talk to a real therapist. This is like totally something you got to go talk to a real therapist about. But like, I like.
But.
Let me tell you this, okay, hold on, hold on, But but like just like as a dude, it just has two dudes on the phone, Like, is there any way that is like, how can I help you with this? Just as two dudes on the phone.
I don't know if there's really any anything in particular that I was looking for in terms of help. I just like I thought that this was a good way to get that out. Like this it's like an anonymous thing, I don't actually have to talk to somebody face to face.
Okay, how do you how do you feel about that? The fact that you like talking about it on an anonymous thing.
It it feels good too, not just have that inside. Like it's not like saying something magically, you know, fixes everything.
But right, But I I guess I hope like talking to me, you're kind of understanding that, like you, if you just let this stuff boil, it's just gonna like
I don't, I do not know, but I don't. I don't know you, but I don't think that you're like just from talking to you and from like understanding at the most surface fucking level that I could understand, Like you don't seem as though you're a dangerous person or a threat to other people, you know, but you just have these thoughts that are troublesome, and these thoughts are are making your life more difficult to live. And I
hope you understand that. Uh, And I don't know, man, we all have thoughts in our brain that make our lives more difficult to live. And I'm no expert in how to deal with those thoughts or get rid of them or anything. Like that, but I I the optimistic part of my brain says that it's possible, you know.
And so I guess if you leave this conversation with anything, it's it's I hope an optimism that there exists uh ways for you to deal with these thoughts so that you don't have to keep living in fear of them.
Mhm.
Do you do you feel that way?
Yeah, it sort of worries me, like, like I just I have this sort of subconscious urge in me to commit violence, you know, like I I when I was a kid, I used to fight a lot, like with my brother, with other people, and I like to fight. That's like an other things that I like doing. And you know, sometimes like in the context of fighting, it's good to be able to you know, be violent. But I just worry sometimes that it will get away from me.
I'm telling you, man, like I think, I actually think this is good that you like recognize this about yourself, because now before this gets out of hand, you have the opportunity to go deal with it, you know, and I think you should. You should. I completely empathize why you feel skeptical about all the methods that people typically use to deal with these kind of things, but I implore you to drop your skepticism and be open minded
because it might help. I mean, shit, you were open minded enough to call me and talk about this on a podcast in front of a bunch of people.
Yeah.
I don't know, I get Maybe it's just like, you know, trust to people is hard, you know, like putting my whole self in somebody's hands like that, and you're like saying, here, can you help me with this? It's it's hard, Like with this sort of an honest thing. It's just like we're having a conversation. It's fine, but I I I definitely need to work on, you know, being able to trust somebody with that.
Mm hm. Why is I mean? I guess real therapy is also just kind of having a conversation.
Yeah, I mean basically that's what it is. Talking to people helps.
M h.
I'll talk to my homes sometimes about ship like this.
But I don't know what is what do your friends say.
About this particularly? I haven't ever mentioned, but just like you know, other things, like like me and my friends will have our own problems, so we'll talk about things. We'll get deep sometimes, but never really now, I never, never really talked about this, But I mean, like when I I think it's part of it might be from when I was a kid. I like my brother believed me a lot. I really hated him for it, and like I would like it, Like I really really hated him.
And I remember being like eight years old and I and like he would just be like blowing me relentlessly. He was fucking awful, and I just wanted to like get a knife from the kitchen, go into his room and fucking kill him.
Yeah, and.
Like that that was just something that like every night I would think about when I was like eight years old. And like for me, I feel like like what kept my eight year old self from doing it was fear of consequences more than like any sort of morality.
M hm.
So I think, I mean I've never talked about once in my life. I think that might be a big part of where that sort of violent impulse comes from.
Like you feel like you're still holding on to that that anger from when you were.
Eight, Yeah, because I can't really direct that anger towards my brother anymore. Like I understand, like we're both kids. It's like it's not his fault. He's not the same person it was that I'm not the same person wasn't but that like to that hatred and that anger is still in there, it's just not directed to anybody.
So the question, the question becomes like how do you deal how do you deal with this hatred and anger that's just in you, that's just like a part of you. How do you deal with it in a healthy way that doesn't involve.
I think directing towards good things, like right directing it like through exercise and like training martial arts and stuff like that has helped me. It's great, but like it's still there, you know, it's just like he needs to find it out with. I don't know if it's possible to get rid of it, Like it's just part of me. I don't know if it's something that develops or if it's something that was always there, but I think it's just something that you sort of have to have to live with.
So you you have found in martial arts and and and in exercise some form of outlet for these feelings that feels positive.
Yeah, well, just like getting out the sort of like you can put as much aggression as you want as you want into a Barbelle you're not going to hurt it, you know, like but yeah, I mean, like martial arts was good, but there like there have been a couple of times where like I hurt somebody on accident with like a submission or or like during wrestling, just something some weird scramble happens when something pops, and that like
really gets to me. So it's like I have this feeling that I want to at the same time, I know that anytime I have hurt somebody, it's been the most awful experience of my life.
M mm hmm. Well, I mean, let me say this, I'm glad. I'm glad. I'm hopeful that talking about this and being willing to talk about this on you know, on a fucking podcast like I I hope it is a catalyst for you to go and talk about it with a professional, because it sounds like that would be helpful to you.
The one thing another thing that is the whole Like if you say to a therapist that you think about hurting yourself or hurting somebody else, they immediately just for you and crazy people.
Go do not quote me on this because I might be wrong, but go ahead and look it up. I'm pretty sure, they only do that if you have a plan, right, I do, But I know, I that's what I think I'm but I don't know. I don't know, So don't don't quote me on that. But I I don't think that should stop you even.
Okay, well yeah, I'll definitely at least think about it.
Okay, please, it's.
Like, yeah, but I mean I appreciate you just like listening and talking to me about it.
Man, Yeah, of course, Joe Alex. What I'm gonna just I'll stick with Alex Alex. Hm hmm. Is there anything else like with this that just while we're on the phone, that you know you wanted to talk about, or that I can help you with or anything like that?
I think, I I like the thing that where like the thoughts I had when I was a kid about my brother that was That was the second thing. But I don't think there's a third thing.
Mm hmm. Did it feel like because this is something you've never talked about, did it feel good to talk about this, especially in like a like a public form.
I don't know.
I don't think it being public or probably really makes a difference.
Okay, did I.
Just getting the words out?
Definitely? Help.
Okay, Well, and again I hope that you like you like take stock and you're like, Okay, it felt good to like talk about this and explore this, and that that encourages you to go, like see your professional. I hear that even if you're skeptical, because here's the because I just, I just I guess, like, I don't know what else you're gonna do if you're not going to do that, you know, and I mean I think that
you're doing. I commend you for doing it for you know, in the way that you are taking into your hands of like trying to find like positive outlets. I think you should keep doing that. But I don't think those two things are mutually exclusive.
For sure. Yeah, I think, yeah, definitely getting some like talking to a professional can't help them will help.
Alex. Is there anything else you want to say to the people the computer before we go?
I mean, if if there's anything that you guys, feel like makes you different from other people that you're afraid to talk about. If you feel like you're like some like a broken toy inside or like something happened to you when you're a kid, I mean, everybody has that, Like there's no there's no perfect person. There's no real saying person. Everybody's got a thing that makes them like a little bit fucked up. So I mean, just for just giving your self permission to to be flawed is really important.
Thanks for calling, Alex.
Thank you.
I just thought about it. I just what about those rage rooms? I really want to go to one of those. You guys know what I'm talking about? The rage rooms with like, uh, they just give you a bat and some glasses and you break some plates. You know. I know I told them to go see a real therapist, but I take it back. I think you should take the money and go to a rage room instead, or like maybe a batting cage. Darts, No, darts aren't violent enough. You could sit and play Grand Theft Auto for a
little bit. That always helps me. Can I get a promo code for a rage room? Does anyone listening to this podcast run a local rage room that I can get a promo code for? Give it to the people.
I want to go to one. When I was a kid, I used to, Uh, my friends and I would go to Goodwill and we would buy all these like little trinkets, like glass trinkets, like the stuff that you got at your grandma's house and we would go to this empty cul de sac and we would just smash the fucking trinkets, and uh, that was some of the most fun I've had in my life. That really gets it out, that really gets it out of you. You know, I don't know, If I don't know, maybe maybe a rage room is
a form of therapy. Yeah, yeah, Alex, if you're listening, go to I mean, I I was joking. You should. Also you should go to a real therapist, but hey, maybe in the meantime, try a rage room. That could be good.
Goes on the line, taking your phone calls every night ever, goes to just teaching you loud and
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