#1681 Don't Believe Everything You Think - Bobby Cappuccio

do that keeps you happy. You get away from it, and I am spending several hours a day with my head and a laptop, and I almost I feel guilty because it's really hard work and it's a lot of research, and you know, sometimes to like say something correctly, especially with my brain, it takes longer than you feel that it should. But at the end of the day, I realize I'm happy.

works differently, and there's a lot of experimentation. Luckily I found out how my brain works and how I learned very early. It was by default rather than by design. For me, I always have to be looking for information. My intent is up like I am always with my head in the book, my head in a paper, in the literature, listening to podcasts like yours, and when I find things. I write them down, and I build on them,

I teach them. It is short of the amount of time between I learned something and share something, the greater chance that I'll retain it. I do not have a very good memory, and that's a misconception because I do hear that all the time. I love hearing that because it means, okay, I'm doing something right. But for me, it's repid and not just repetition in the same modality. I have to read it multiple times, I have to say it multiple times, I have to hear it multiple times.

So I need to use a multi century learning approach otherwise nothing sticks. Like I will look at people that I know and be like, for the life of me, I can't remember your name. I mean, I know who you are right now. So this episode should go rather smoothly. But that's been happening to me increasingly lately, and I don't know if that's a cause for concern, but it's pretty normal, which is why I'm not getting that disturbed

or that concerned. Early. My memory isn't great. I've just learned how to saturate myself with things that interest me. If that answers the question.

And when people say things that I vehemently disagree with, I love those speakers because those are the things that stick. And the person said, if you're reading, ninety nine percent of your information should pertain directly to your craft, Like, don't waste your time going out reading nonfiction, reading novels. I thought that is just the opposite, because, especially if you're going to share information, you're sharing information with people

with diverse learning modalities, diverse interest backgrounds. I want to take in as much information from as wide of a span of resource as I can find out what interests me and where are the connections, because now you have such a multifaceted ex approach to explaining the same thing in a diversified way to a diversified group of people. So when I go on and listen to a podcast, what am I curious about? And when something captures my curiosity?

Very often I'll put the podcast on pulse. I don't want to hear anymore because I'm gonna pull over to the side of the road and I'm gonna jop that down. My best friend is on my iPhone. You know that notes app that you have. Each one of those notes, I'll have twenty page and it starts out with a quote, starts out with a statement. I'll say, Okay, what's the

research to support this? What are some other ideas? If I was going to put this in a presentation, how I organize my ideas and why would that be relevant? And then I'll pay attention when I'm in a consulting meeting somebody asks a question, Oh my god, that pertains to what I learned the other day. So it starts out with a few lines, I will literally have twenty pages when I transfer that into a word document and start dressing it up. Yeah, make life your lab.

to the world that I grew up in. And even though you know, it's not like, oh, here's a profound insight, cray and go and jot that down and then go and open the door on that and research, it was just like I loved listening about someone else's childhood that was nothing like mine, and someone else's school experience that was nothing like mine, and someone else who had parents who with nothing like mine, and just to try to

get in the head of another human. But even the way that sometimes I love the way that people explain a concept. It's not even the I'm interested in the concept. But you and I both know as teachers and as speakers, sometimes someone will explain an idea or a construct in a way that is better than the way I explain it, and I go, okay, that's mine now, thank you. You know, where somebody will talk about something and so just listening to you know, there's the entertainment value and the wow

factor value. But then on top of that, just listening to you know, like I was listening to him talking about some of he he had a rough childhood, rough and it just gives me gratitude for the rough childhood that I didn't have.

important for fulfilled resilience and a level of happiness. To be fair, but if you're so locked into your behavioral routine and things that either aligned with your goals or don't, you don't have that unbound play and exploration that one allows you to test different scenarios, that allows you to creatively imaginally project yourself into different situations. You don't have

all of that, and you kind of miss things. It's like that person that goes to a seminar and they say, Okay, I want you to write down fifty things that are congruent with the person of your dreams, your ideal partner, and they walk around their whole life and it's like, if everyone you meet doesn't meet all fifty things on

that checklist, which probably nobody will. I mean, in the seminar they said that you'll attract that same exact person, but someone who is really suited to you could walk through the front door and you will miss them because they don't match your checklist. There's something in life if I believe about exploration, and when you vic it's social

cognitive theory, like Abbat Bendura. When you vicariously experienced the world through someone else's situation that you didn't go through, you can kind of learn how you would approach similar situations. And you know, people are very different, but people are also kind of very much the same. So autobiographies and other people's stories. I remember we took we took a trip.

We decided to take the car and we drove during the holidays a couple of years ago, and we listened to Will Smith, Trevanoah, Kevin Hart's autobiography All in One Journey, and these are you know, you can say, well, these people are kind of similar, right, because they're all they're all some people who have gone through stuff early in their life, especially when you take a look at Trevoroah first and Foremost and then Will Smith and they turned to calm, So all three of these people have turned

to comedy. But they're also very different in their backgrounds and the way they looked at the world. And one of the things that I learned about is one of these individuals created a stick like this persona for himself because he got a lot of laughs on stage, and whilst he was getting a lot of laughs, nobody wanted to book them because there was nothing in this person's personality or persona that was real and authentic and people

couldn't relate to it. And then somebody said, hey, why don't you just talk about yourself, Why don't you talk about real stuff that you're dealing with, And he got into observational comedy. And it's not that his career took off. He landed in tons of challenges that most people wanted to have been able to overcome. But eventually it was that authenticity and vulnerability that created a relationship with the audience that he wants to. Everybody can relate to that.

So I don't care if you're works an accounting It was Kevin.

the thing they were before they started the journey. And it's like, not everything needs to have a point, Like maybe the point is fucking laughter, or maybe it's you know, like you and I before we start this talk, we talk and there's nothing profound going on.

a straight line. A lot of times you stumble upon an insight because you were playing around and you were taking a break. I always use the example of mend Belief. He couldn't complete the periodic table because he was trying so hard to literally find the answers that would complete it. But when he gave up up and I don't mean gave up forever, Like there's something I learned from my wife that I'm actually I'm teaching in a couple of weeks on a municipal government level here with the county.

But it's called quitting every day. He just said, all right, I'm stuck, and he went to sleep. And when he let go, it's not when he pushed harder, we let go. The answer came to him in a dream and woke up, completed the period on table and thank you very much

for that ball the way. But I watched my wife do this where she would work eighteen hours a day because she was a filmmaker, but as an entrepreneur, she didn't have a lot of budget for editing and for video audio, so she became all of that because she was also an IT engineer in a past life. It would be eighteen hours of brutally hard work. And it's like, how do you do that six days a week, sometimes seven days a week when you're make in a film.

And how she would do it is at the end of the day, in her mind, she'd be like this, I quit, and she sit down, turn on Netflix, pour herself a glass of wine, and then the next morning she would hire herself again. And the reason why this is important is because A lot of times I would take days off and I'd be exhausted after a day off because I would think about work. I would ruminate, and I really wasn't taking a day off. I just wasn't engaging. I might as well have been working because

I was worrying about work. Which she did was completely disconnect fire herself. I'm done, wake up the next morning, hire herself, and do that whole cycle again. And I think that's really important if you're going to I don't want to say work hard, play hard. That is so cheesy, but if you are invested in sustainable growth and creativity, you also have to be invested in sustainable rest rejuvenation, but also play an absurdity, go out there and experiment

with shit. And sometimes experiment might not make sense because of what you're working on. But I have written so many articles, had so many insights from just noticing stupid little things like watching a film where they're talking about that mind the gap thing when you get off the tube. And then one day I was on my way to

a date. I got off at Saint James's place and I heard mine the gap, and again I went to the side of the road and started jotting things down because wait a minute, that means something to me right now. And then you know, I went off on my date talked about it, and that created a seminar that got me booked with a major organization. And it's just playing around and being open to things, I believe.

like about six or seven hundred people. But nonetheless, you're like, all right, well, where I thought I was going to go and how I thought this was going to work out and kind of the energy, and well, that's all out the window now because this is happening in front of me. And as it turns out, I went for you know, it was fine, but then I just went I'm just gonna We're just going to go for it.

So I just started interacting with her as well as the whole group, and she was a delight, an absolute delight. And the funny thing is, I actually think she made the experience better and the moment that I stopped trying to make it all polished and amazing and slick and professional, and I just put my presentation on hold for a minute and I just walked to the edge of the stage and just riffed with Mel. All of a sudden, everyone loved Mel. It wasn't annoying, not that she was annoying,

but it wasn't annoying. It was it was cute. You know, there's that there's something that you can't plan for. And I'm not saying I've always has done it, well I haven't, but being able to go, well, fuck, this is just where we're at right now. This wasn't my plan, and right now my plan is out the window.

that invitation. A couple of weeks ago, my team of coaches did a presentation for the company and they just they just crushed it right, They hit it out of the park. And because of that, they're invited now to come present for the board, which is very unusual. As you can imagine, a lot of departments don't get invited to present for the board. But they did that well. And when they first got up there, they were so nervous, and you could tell I could tell. I don't know

if the room could tell. But it's not what happens to you. It's what you do with it that determines the impression that makes on other people in your audience. And they leaned into it, they laughed about it, and yea, sometimes when you're up and you misspeak in front of a room, you could see the presenter get flustered and then everybody feels uncomfortable on their behalf and you just lost them versus somebody that laughs about themselves. So you tell a joke and it just doesn't land, does it?

And you call that out because it's hysterical that it doesn't land. And they just played with it, and they just embraced it and just flowed right into the presentation. And I was not I was proud because they delivered really well, because they prepared and they earned that. But what I was more proud about is how they just embraced the awkwardness and the discomfort of being scared shitless in the first thirty seconds of that, And I thought, wow,

now that's impressive. There's something that's valuable.

I actually don't know how old she was is, but I would say, you know, teenage sixteen to she could even be twenty, I don't know, but anyway, Gordeous, but it was like I needed to get out of the way, like my plan and my ego and my insecurity needed to get out of the way and just try to because she was definitely for ten to twenty minutes, she was the star. It was like I was just backup singer, right and like allowing that to happen and to make her have a good time as well, and to try

to bring that all together. But yeah, it was that That's one of those things that you know when you when you do anything which is somewhat organic, you know you can you and I you know how much I don't plan so but I have an idea and I have it. I know what I want to talk about on the night, but I don't have a presentation per se.

But I've got to increase my blood pressure. Thanks, I've got about house no what we see, where we go. I'd like to get through six to eight, but we might get through two to three. So you do it at your pace.

cognitive biases, and I'm going to dismiss everything else. When we are taught to listen, we go one level deeper, which is a lot better than downloading, but it's still not connective immersive listening. That's factual listening. I don't know if you're very familiar with the old show Dragnet with Detective Joe Friday.

come in. So if somebody says something to you, there's layers of context and meaning to be discovered, not just by you, but by the mirror you hold up to somebody. They get to see something that's not quite apparent all the time when they're just going through the narrative in their heads. So an example of this is somebody could say, oh, you know my kids, I'm gonna kill them. I'm gonna

absolutely kill them. I got If you're listening to just the facts, you should call the police because this person's playing on murdering their kid. It's if you're listening from an emotional level, it's you've got so many things that are on every day sometimes you don't know how you're going to manage it. And when you got home yesterday, just what you walked into was so overwhelming. When you had so many things that you needed to do, but just had there was nothing left. And when you do that,

somebody goes yeah. And it's interesting because a lot of times people say coaching, what's about asking really great questions? Well, if you would ask a question follow by a question follow by a question, that's an interrogation. I mean, people do that like after you've been arrested, or when you like when you go to your prefect, your guidance, well whatever you call it, like the head master. That's when you get question after question Usually why when you're in trouble.

When you reflect, someone learns insights about what they just said that would not have been a parent had you not reflected back. And a lot of times asking question after question is not great because they're going through the same narrative and story that keeps them stuck in the first place. Even a simple reflection like say any sentence to me. I'll give you an example of a very simple reflection.

Then there's a reflection where I'm reflecting back what the emotional con tent was, like, what did that feel like? What was the emotion that I mean, probably hunger is probably prompted that, But in a coaching conversation, what was the emotion that I noticed in there? Or if you go a step deeper, what was the need you just need? You need peace, you need some time for yourself? What

was the request you're making of the world. And the deepest level of listening is when you're listening from the future.

There's a future that's emerging as a result of the conversational dynamic, and you're able to be here and in that emerging future at once because you know the request that somebody is making, or you're reflecting the request that you are observing, and that is what starts to build bridges between where people are and where they want to be in the conversation and in the context of what

the conversation's about. So reflective listening becomes very powerful when you're able to to reflect back what you were observing that in that space you're holding for the person you're listening to.

of people have spoken it. Like if there was a hundred books, I would pick this one based on the title last. But so many people have talked about how profoundly insightful and powerful this book is, which I have not read, so I can't endorse that, but I've had a lot of people tell me about this book anyway. His formula is capital P equals lower case P minus I, which I think is I didn't write it down. I think it's performance equels potential minus interference.

front of an audience. Like we all have that friend that when we go out with that friend, we're the funniest version of ourselves because that friend holds a space of openness, generosity, non judgment and they find us pretty funny. We're always that funny. But how come we're more of that version of ourselves with this person because we don't have all of the internal interference of insecurity. Am I doing this right? Is this a funny joke? Is this

going to land? Is this inappropriate? If I say this? Am I going to make a connection in this meeting? Or are they going to send me to HR? And I'm going to have to explain myself, which I'm not suggesting you say inappropriate things and meetings, But a lot of the things that gets in the way of our potential is a matter of interference. It's removing what is not, which is why I love that story about the David.

I tell that story all the time. We're the unveiling of the David at the Palazzo dela Sonora in Florence, and Don Tello actually writes about this instant where Nichelangel was asked how he was able to create something so lifelike it was it was seems like it was created from the hands of the divine and he explains, in paraphrase, he didn't create the David. He saw the image of the David trapped inside the marvel marble, and he removed everything that was not the David. And that's a very

different perspective. And it's like, when you remove everything that is not the masterpiece version of what sometimes shows up, it is far more authentic, It is far more vulnerable, It is far more relatable than trying to adapt a set of practices that make you appear as this person. So interference like like the inner game of tennis. It's not like, okay, stand like this, serve like this. Okay, you're gonna You're gonna rotate your hips in this manner

that's instructive. It's a matter of self awareness and what you're focusing on, and by making subtle shifts and those variables, removing the interference that gets in the way of who you are when you're having the best game of your life. Because if you had the best game you've ever had once, it was a fluke. If you've done that twice, it's a pattern. What are the variables, Let's get rid of what gets in the way.

games people play. By talktor Eric Byrne, and he's talking about transactional analysis, and one of the things that he brings up is people are running a racket. It's when I pretend to be doing one thing, but I'm really doing something else that's not nice and it's not socially acceptable, and there's a deeper motive and that's what I'm disguising, and that's what I define as toxic positivity. When somebody says, I'll give you an example of this from my Wife's film.

There's a scene where this guy just got broken up with by his girlfriend. He is devastated. He actually asked her to marry him. He was so self obsessed he didn't realize something had changed in the relationship. She was having an affair, planning on leaving him. He accidentally bumps into a woman at the supermarket, I mean bumps into her knox or stuff all over the floor. They wind up in her apartment later and they're having this conversation and she's talking about the loss of her husband. Her

husband died last year. And he says, but at least you had eight years with someone who loved you and didn't choose to be leave you like happened to me. They were taken away from you. At least you can look on the bright side of that is what he's saying, and that is the She gets very angry because that is the least empathetic thing you could possibly say to somebody. It's filled with self reference and self obsession, a little bit of narcissism. If we're honest, I understand the persons

in pain, but that's toxic positivity. At least look at this. But also you could choose to rather than that would wow, you lost your husband, you felt so alone because you didn't know where he ended, and you began it's unjust infuriating. Like again, that's an example of empathetic reflection in a conversation rope. You don't have to interject your own autobiography. You don't have to interject a positive interpretation. Sit with it.

Yeah yeah, and reflect back what you are observing and what that person is feeling, and you will deepen that connection. M Yeah, that's that is. That is why toxic positivity is so insidious to me.

Every time you recall a memory, you have to deconstruct that synaptic pathway to a degree to recall that memory. So recall by its new pal biological nature is inaccurate. And how often you recall that memory and the state of mind you're in, the emotion you're feeling, the intensity, all of that influences the level of distortion of those memories. But you use the interpretation of those past memories to

make predictions about the future. So you might feel that you have no agency in a certain area of your life, and it's based on an interpretation. It's real, it's painful, but you might not be aware of the times where you were in tough situations and you acted with resilience and creativity and agency. And like someone who grows up, let's say, in a very violent household, you know, you might adapt certain beliefs that, Okay, the only way I'm

safe is when I'm invisible. If I can make myself scarce, I could avoid being targeted. And for a child who has no defense mechanism, once drunk dad, you can almost hear the sound of the heavy footsteps when dad's drunk, versus when he's sober and he's stomping all over the house to find somebody to target because he's infuriated you.

Being invisible is a very good strategy. Yet when you grow up and you go out into the world and you need to socially integrate and you have a job in sales, being invisible is not a very good strategy. But you have these thought processes in mind about how life is and how it occurs, and it's true in that context, but it's not really true. And then I don't know, maybe last night I didn't sleep very well. Maybe you know, I ate shit all last week and

I disrupted my serotonin production. So I'm creating a version of a narrative this week that's based on biology. It's not rooted in reality. So you have to step back and put a space between stimulus and response and ask a little bit more questions of yourself, like is this true? And if this is true, how do I know? Do I have evidence to dispute it? Because not everything you think is rooted in reality. A lot of times it's rooted in emotional state and interpretation.

am motivated, I'm in the zone on pump. So there's motivation the state, the emotional state or the mental state, and then there's motivation. So that's one, you know, kind of very casual definition is how you feel your level of motivation.

in some way. If you don't have a reason for doing something or behaving in some way, you might not want to do it really. And then there's intrinsic motivation that comes out of self determination theory that deals with autonomy and my freedom to choose and personal relevance. It deals with relatedness and it deals with the development of mastery competence, if you will. Intrinsic motivation has been proven in the literature to be a strong determinant of sustainable

behavior change over time. When people say I'm not motivated, they're confusing motivation with enthusiasm. Like we have those moments where you know, when you were a kid and you watched Rocky and it's like, I am so enthusiastic to go out and work out, and then the next day, you know, it's been twenty four hours since you've seen the film, and it's like it's it's cold, and it's early in the morning. It's like, I don't feel like

doing this. Well, if you're relying on this emotional precursor or prompt all the time, you're probably not going to have the consistency to bring about any of the results, whether they're extrinsic or intrinsic. So going off of enthusiasm is a really shit strategy for long term behavior change. Motivation is very deep motivations around what is meaningful to me, How does this align with my values? What do I see for myself? In the future, and why does that matter?

because we use words so ubiquitously and interchangeably. Sometimes somebody is using the same exact word, but it means something different, or it's it's quite different than the context of what they're using it, of how they're using it, and we kind of get into these arguments without understanding what are we really talking about here?

story is pirst of All was an old child. His brother and his father were knights and they were all killed in battle, and Perceval, being the youngest, was spared that fate and he's living with mom. So what do you think Mom's main intention around Perceval is at this point having lost all of her sons and her beloved husband.

goes home to tell mom. Mom's not enthusiastic in the least, but she sees that, first of all, will not be persuaded. There's something inside of him that needs to do it. So she knows he's a very curious character, and he always his curiosity inserts him in situations like kind of like the one he's in right now. And she says, whatever you do, don't ask so many questions, please, because she figures, at least if he doesn't go around asking questions,

it'll help him stay out of trouble. And he goes along with these knights and he finds himself in the castle along these many journeys of the fisher King and the fisher King. It's never really said what the wound is, but he has a wound that is physical, but it's also spiritual, and he's die like the fisher. King is severely inflicted emotionally, psychologically, and physically. He cannot sit, nor lie, nor stand in any position and not be in excruciating pain.

And his lands have been laid to waste. Nothing grows, his people are starving, they're struggling, and here comes this, this innocent fool. You know, he's, this innocent fool. He's in the court. But it's prophesied that this innocent fool will arrive in court and with a question, my lord, what ails you? The king and his lands will be healed. And they're waiting for him to ask this question. And

he's so curious. He wants to know what ails this king, but he can't bring himself to ask this question because his mother had made him promise, please just don't go around asking these questions. And so he leaves, and the king suffering continues, and so does his people, and he fails in this quest, and he goes on years and years, and eventually he decides to go home and visit his mother. And by that time he hears she has already passed, and he has this revelation that because she has passed,

he has kept his promise to his mother. This whole time. And he goes back to the castle of the Fisher King and he says, my lord, what ails you? And because he was true to his nature and he fulfilled his task with courage, the fisher King and his lands are healed. And that is the moral of the story, is about living in authenticity to your nature. And there's a lot of conversation around what is authenticity, and I believe authenticity is when you are living your purpose. You

are living your highest values in any situation. Now that's something that we do with great error and inconsistency, but you are acting on intention, if not imperfectly, to live your values in any situation you find yourself in.