E110 - THROWBACK Questions anyone?

We are doing a bit of a throwback and going back to episode 43 . Questions anyone . In this episode , we talk about being curious , being a listener and how to ask some open ended questions , and we go into some of the brain science . So sit back and enjoy this episode . How are you today , guys ? Good , brandon .

Guys like that really take care of their voice and that's , I think , a big key for me over this this has been now almost three weeks is that I'm probably not taking care of it like a professional voice guy , because I got work to do .

I don't know if they wanted me to answer them or if they were just being rhetorical , and then at the end of that I wasn't taking notes very well . So you pick and choose the ones that you want and then am I perceived as only doing the ones that… ? Did I… was it a no when I didn't answer some of his questions ?

But it made that idea of when asking questions you got to be pointed at . Asking that and asking questions is absolutely a skill , and it's a skill of the uncommon communicator .

You know that is what questions are , and if you're not… If you're not going to wait for the information or wait for the question to be answered just in general , or the process to occur after the question has been answered , because it's necessarily… With a rhetorical question , you're not looking for , you know , an answer .

You're just looking for that kind of like a thought to impact the people in the room . So you need to… . Just like when you say something out loud , like if I looked at you and I said screw you , james , I'm probably waiting for that kind of a reaction . You should do the same thing with your questions .

You don't want to just keep asking a bunch of questions . Like you want your… . Just like any other form of communication , you want your words to have an impact , just like you want your questions to have an impact .

And I think that's what's really going to come down to our key as we talk about communication today Is you really have to care , you really have to be concerned for an answer ? Because that person just saying , okay , I'm going to include you , come on in . So I started listening and at that point my opinion didn't really matter .

But for today , I think we're going to cover three really important things today , and there's lots of things that we could cover on the idea of questions , but the first one is you have to be curious .

You genuinely have to have a curious mindset to be a good question asker and , in general , if you're a curious person , you're also going to make your listeners feel , you know , engaged and open to answer to you . If you're genuinely curious about it . Are you asking questions just to get them talking , so you can check your phone and your mail ?

That's not curiosity .

So you really need to be a good listener . And the third one is really how to ask questions , because there are ways to ask . Are there good ways and bad ways to ask questions ?

So , but as a teacher or a right you need to create an environment where there shouldn't feel like there is any dumb questions , because you want everybody to be heard , Because if they ask a question , as a teacher you need to be able to , number one , probably answer the question and number you know , you know .

Number two , you need to be able to facilitate them getting to that answer . So , asking open any questions and you have to be able to allow them to elaborate , because you need them to have that thought process that that question has not created .

No , you're going to give a fact and that's the end of the conversation and if you're fortunate , that person might elaborate on it . But a lot of times , especially if they're a closed person , they're not going to elaborate on those on that question at all . So you have to word your questions differently .

So today we're going to talk about those things , three things . You got to be curious and that was quite a rabbit hole to go down for the both of us . Be a listener , ask open ended questions . So I'm curious .

I've always been curious , so I'm always asking questions because I want to know , I'm always wanting to learn , I want to learn new things , and in doing that it creates that .

But going back to my moments of silence that I had when I lost my voice , I found that even as a listener , I wasn't getting all the information that my mind wanted and even though I couldn't really communicate with words , I had these follow up questions I want more . You're not giving it to me .

So that's kind of that spirit of curiousness , curiosity , curiosity .

Or Loewenstein's information gap theory holds that curiosity functions like the driver's seat , such as hunger , which motivates eating , right , like when you can activate curiosity in some way .

So like if you have a speech or if you're training somebody , or just something in general , like that where you're going to ask a question , sparking that curiosity in that individual is the key because , much like hunger , right , you have to go eat . That's what he's equating . Like you get hungry , you go eat .

When your curiosity is activated , you go find the answer . And our ability to find answers has changed . You no longer like oh , I wonder what that actor was in that one movie that I'm trying to think of .

It was the plane , right , and you used to have to sit down at the dinner table and have that conversation with , like everybody , sometimes you wouldn't come up with the answer . Now everybody just pulls out the phone and you come up with the answer right away .

quick . Says building on this theory , loewenstein's time suggests that a small amount of information serves as a priming dose . Right , like I'm over here , like you , when you prime a lawnmower , right , you got to prime it before he gained the chain to get it going . So we're just priming that , which greatly increases curiosity .

Now here's where it gets a little bit tricky . Consumption of information is rewarding , but eventually , with enough information is consumed , saturation occurs and information serves to reduce further curiosity . So you can reach a limit , right ?

So just kind of how you were demonstrating with all your questions , where you could ask 67 questions in a row , fine , you've maybe peaked my curiosity , or now I , because you seem curious , right , I'm intrigued , so now I have to answer your questions .

We've created that deprivation , but in asking so many questions , you've , like , oversaturated my ability to answer those questions .

I'm always drawn to like really intelligent people . I love hanging out with people that I know that are smarter than me Just a lot of people . Huh , I should look at that . But thinking about people that are smarter than me , I'm always wanting to learn . So there's that prime and they're going .

I know I'm going to get some more information when he yanks my chain .

Maybe there's nothing new in there , but the whole idea kind of wrapping this around to you know , being an uncommon communicator and the idea of questions is you've got to have that spirit of curiosity to ask those questions from people so you can know , you know , know more about them .

There is a saturation point .

But the idea that there's actual dopamine that is released when you are satiated by getting , by gaining your curiosity , your answers , and that dopamine , which I hadn't really thought about it to now , is a lot like the TikTok where , as you're scrolling through these videos , there's a curiosity about it , but there's short little hits of this dopamine .

I knew that that was hitting , I knew they were called , you know hits of dopamine , but I never thought about it being that curiosity level where this is new , this is unique . You know , there's times when you see videos for the second time you're like I've already seen it . Right , you don't want to see it again , Even if it was a good one .

And if you go back and it was probably early on in episode two , three or four somewhere in there , when we were talking about negotiation skills , that I loved that book by Chris Voss never spoke the difference because it was really about listening .

To be a good negotiator , you got to be a listener , but with that , really the key is active listeners need to avoid at all costs interrupting people . If you're going to actively listen , don't interrupt . Summarize , repeat back that's kind of that .

Labels , the mirrors , things we talked about in our earlier episodes , and then really observe body language All of these things really give you a better level of understanding . So you really need to be a listener as well too . Don't just listen to have your prepare your next statement . You're genuinely listening to somebody .

And and this is a tough one for me because I Ask a lot of leading questions when I try to teach somebody something or when you try to explain something to somebody , right , because a lot of the time Excuse me a lot of the time you need them to think , you need them to come up with the answer on their own Right , like you need to give them the

information , maybe with a couple of questions , but you need their brain to Chug along with you , right , as much as you can tell some other , the answer is be if they don't learn what the actual answer be is , then they did , probably didn't learn what it was well , and you hit a great point in that in regards to Because I've got kind of mixed emotions on

that one as well too .

But the other side , which I think is the dark side of it , is the leading questions to kind of lead somebody into a trap , and I think that's why we as humans or I know myself I'm kind of of put off by those people asking questions that they already know the answer to , because they're doing it in a way that they're trying to set you up .

So those type of leading questions I don't think are great uncommon communicator traits , because you're doing that to really set somebody up , and I know people that do it actively that is their form of Leading questions , are always going to do that .

But you really want to lead with questions , especially if you're coaching and mentoring , to not just give the answer away , let them lead into it , and sometimes leading somebody through those aha moments can take days or weeks . You're planting stuff in there without feeding it to them , because when they get it , they're gonna get it .

They're gonna be able to teach other people right and minutes .

Because it's hard , because we're here on a podcast , apparently , you know , attempting to teach communications or to teach the uncommon communicator way , so we swear teaching . So it's hard for us to put ourselves into the seat of a learner sometimes , and it seems really , really stupid .

Right , you can have all these questions , but if you don't actually listen to the answer , then you're not gonna get there . So , as a learner , from a learning perspective , if you're gonna ask the question , you need to wait for the response .

Right , like you , there's been times where I've asked a question and then , like , after I've verbalized it , obviously your brain's thinking about it , right ? Sometimes , after verbalizing it , I go through and I'm like , oh wait , that's the answer .

But , like you know what , maybe if I would just shut up , james is gonna tell me more than what I originally would have . So then , so I'd be a listener , because if you're gonna ask the question , you're probably gonna get a response , and the response is probably going to be the answers to that question .

I've been out a couple of times , you know lunch or something and realize that I was doing all the talking right , like hearing my voice Right , so I'm just going along with it . When I realized at the end of that I missed opportunities to ask about somebody's wife , ask about their dad was going through stuff . I'm missing those things .

So those are things that even as we develop as better speakers , communicators , we we change that method and then not necessarily in a good way and I found myself having to go back to basics , which is really that genuine curiosity . I lost it when I just felt like my information was that important and it never is .

Maybe this for the moment that person needs to hear something , but if you're losing people , then that's because you've lost that level of curiosity .

An open-ended question is a question that can't be answered with a yes or no . It's that simple , and we asked them a lot .

I've been involved in even some panel discussions where the moderator would ask a question hey , you really like you've been in construction , you've really enjoyed it , right , I mean , these were supposed to get me to elaborate about my career , where in reality , that was yes .

Typically I use a lot of house what do you think Asking open-ended questions about ? What do you know about the topic ? What do you think about those topics ? It's all in that phrasing and you can , and for me it's a practice . You have to learn how to ask these questions the right way or they come across as those kind of close-ended questions .

That's a can of worms that you can open up and you have no idea what's in that can . Heck , it could be snakes instead of worms . We don't know .

Those become the open-ended questions , even though how is your day becomes such a platitude of response . But examples are why , how , what describe ? I really like that one . Describe to me what you're thinking there . So then it creates this . All right , I'm going to create a narrow . I'm now required , as a speaker , from your question to be more descriptive .

Tell me about what do you think about ? I think those are a lot of the ones where I want to get out of just the facts and really get into the opinion of that person , the thoughts of that person on something , because those do become those very open-ended questions .

And absolutely zero of my math got me to that conclusion that you had there . And so then you have to you have to add , you're like , bro , what you're doing right , like you ask the question of what you ask for , the thought process , what are you doing , how are you doing it ? Why did you do it this way ?

And then again , going back to being a listener , after you ask that open-ended question , you then have to listen to their response and ideally their response should give you insights of what it is , but not all the time . But you do have to listen . You can't just like ask the question , turn your brain off and be like , no , you should have done this instead .

Absolutely not , because you need to try and understand where they're coming from .

I've had that happen a lot too , and then , especially if somebody is a talker not necessarily communicator they might go off into left field on your open-ended question , not even getting close to where you were headed . So the recommendation there is maybe narrow it in . Narrow it's actually narrow . Yeah , I'm not . Yeah , I do have family from Oklahoma .

Sometimes we feel like we're under this pressure to ask two questions or three and you're gonna lose where you're going . And this goes to RFIs , request for information . When we're talking contractually or on projects . We will look at the drawings and we'll have a question . We have to go ask a clarifying information and we're taught on how to do that as well .

And if you ask three things of an architect or four , they're only gonna answer one . And now you've taken this one step process of getting information from them . They're gonna pick the one that they got the easy answer to and then your other three didn't get answered . Then there's these back and forth .

So what's the same with our conversations is ask one question , get your answer . If you need a follow up , you kind of move on . Now one thing that I thought was kind of interesting I never really thought about this in regards to teaching is having that kind of two step questioning . It's really fine to do .

It's fine to do this and this is kind of the question that came up . As a teacher you know kind of a teacher example but is it ever right to tell a lie ?

Well , actually it's true , but at least , from there you're prepared for that follow-up question .

I missed an opportunity to do this because I should have answered it with yes or no , and then you can ask the follow-up question , which I hate yes or no answers or questions that result in a yes or no .

But it gives you that opportunity to do that follow-up question and these can fit with a multitude of different types of questions to kind of give a beginner question , get the mind thinking , and that's one thing that I think has been one of the most important things that I've learned in communication is allowing people to process and think .

I tend to think out loud , I tend to just go and sometimes I don't allow listeners to process that , and everybody listens differently as well too . I've got a friend at work who he's like to slow it down . You know you're saying a lot here , so give those pauses and don't give so much that .

You know thinking out loud is give the thought , let the listener kind of process it .