#2 - How to Date After Lockdown

Hello, and welcome to the next episode of The Single Girl’s Guide to Life, your weekly guide to embracing single life in your 20s and 30s. Expect relationship chat, single life living, and learning to be yourself as I share insights, wisdom and knowledge that will help you navigate your single life status.

In today's episode, we're going to be discussing post lockdown dating, how dating has transformed since we've all been through the Coronavirus, and how it's going to look now that the UK is set to open up at the end of July. I’m Chantelle the Coach, a quarter life confidence coach who helps women who are single, separated or divorced to overcome doubt and uncertainty through their quarter life crisis or other life change so that they can work out what they want in life, make decisions with confidence and take actions towards living a life they can thrive in. Let's get on with today's episode.

Now I don't know about you, but with lockdown looking like it might really come to an end, how many fingers, toes, legs and arms do we all have crossed right now? Those summer vibes? Well, I would like to say the summer vibes are coming, but looking out my window right now and the rain that we've had for days, I'm not convinced. That said, we are a hopeful bunch. We were hopeful about the football; it’s coming home. We will be hopeful about having a lovely sunny summer for at least the majority. It's not looking great right now, we'll admit that. However, summer is one of those times where we just can't wait and everything seems like it's a possibility, like it could happen. It might happen.

For me, it’s usually about the weather, which I'm holding out for, and then it comes to the festivals and events that happen over summer that just don't have the same vibe if you do it at any other point in the year in this country. Admittedly some festivals get washed out and you have a really rainy one. That's still quite an event in itself, but I've got a road trip booked. It might end up being trains, who knows. I might not end up going to some of them because they get canceled, but it's this promise of what summer holds that I think gets everybody excited. And from my conversations with some of you, the dating scene is getting going again. It's all about, “How am I going to start meeting people? Where am I going to find someone?”

We've been trapped inside for so long. Don't get me wrong, we've had some leeway to start doing that, and some of you have, but the cocktails are potentially back out. The outdoor meetings and socials are properly back. We’re starting to be able to mix and mix slightly more naturally, hopefully, rather than having to book a table and staying at your table. Why wouldn't you be going out and making the most of it whilst you can if that's something that you're looking for? Because if the pandemic taught us anything, it's that you can't predict what's going to happen next. You can't predict what the government will do next at this point. Maybe we could predict there was going to be another wave, and maybe we could predict that maybe with vaccinations, it was going to be quite low and there was going to be a low risk, but we still don't know what's going to happen.

There's lots of talk about masks being a choice. There's lots of talk about what's going to happen with young people that haven't yet had their vaccines, those double vaxxed. Actually, regardless of all of that, we should make the most of what time we have, what we can do right now, because we don't know how long it's going to last. Because inevitably, will there be another lockdown? Who knows? They said they wouldn't be, but needs masks sometimes, so we have to take this opportunity. If meeting someone for you is high up on your list, which it is for a lot of single women, then this is an opportunity potentially.

It isn't just the opportunity part. It isn't just that being locked inside thing and wanting to get out. The effects of the pandemic have impacted so many lives in so many different ways, with many of us experiencing loss or near to it, experiences, that worry, the stress of someone being in hospital. It's led to a pause for thought which has gone on to prompt reflection and evaluation of our lives. Some of us have started asking the question, “What do I really want from life? What do I really want each and every day to look like? What would I want to be doing if I knew my time was nearing its end?”

Some of you have actually had personal experiences of Coronavirus and it in a flash made you consider everything again because of that personal near-death experience or what it felt like at the time. If you haven't been asking yourself these questions, it's fine, but I would suggest that maybe you do it anyway. I don't think we need a pandemic to be considering these questions. I think they’re questions we should be asking ourselves all the time so that we can make good decisions for what we want in our life. It's important that you really give it some time, because until we really sit and dedicate the time to those things, we might only get surface level answers, the obvious and what we think is expected of us. “I want to get promotion. I want a new car. I want to buy my own house.” Beyond that, though, what do you really want from your entire life? Don't just accept your first answer. The first ones I listed were material, and then you might get, “Well, I want to be happy,” or “I want to create a family environment full of love.” Actually, those things need even further exploration. What does that look like to you?

For some of you, it is dating. You will have come to that decision that it is love and partnership or that family aspect, and therefore working backwards, you would like to try and find a partner. Some of you have not stopped during the pandemic. Virtual dating and socially-distanced dates have been going on anyway. There's been no reason that they couldn't go on. Thanks to the pivot of a lot of companies, we have been able to continue to date, to continue to virtually meet new people. It hasn't felt the same. It felt weird to go on a date in person, even socially-distanced, but know that you couldn't go and hug your own nan. Maybe the thought of just being with another person from another bubble that you didn't know anything about, didn't know how safe or unsafe they were being in terms of COVID, that you just didn't want to put people at risk.

Some of us have been okay with being outdoors now that we're able to sit at tables of six, and the socially-distanced walk is a thing, but I know a number of you have been reserved about that and that's okay. The effect of working at home for a long time and limited contact has meant some of you are just more wary about getting back out there, but there is that potential that with it opening up and the masks becoming a choice if that's the thing, then you're going to want to start utilizing that opportunity.

Apart from which the other thing getting in the way, and this comes definitely from conversations I've had with people is that whilst everything is unlocking and maybe we do want to meet someone, we also have the dedication to our friends and family. We've been catching up with everybody else otherwise, and everyone's been quite busy and has been trying to slot it in and make it work that you haven't really had time to consider dating when you've been sipping your Prosecco at breakfast brunch, visiting all the places with all the people that you haven't been able to go to or see in the last year. But summer of love, that kind of concept is coming back with all of the potential for live events, for mixing. Who knows what it's going to be like in bars and clubs by the time that we get to summer? It's potentially going to be something that's on your mind.

I have put together five tips of getting back to dating post lockdown. Number one has to be a super important one. You have to remember this above everything else. Number one is that you are still a priority. Lockdown, when I think back to the very first one, March 2020, was an opportunity for many of us. I don't know about you, but I was aware of, according to my Instagram and so on, that we were exercising more, eating better, reading, and taking breaks. They were the ones I definitely did myself. Overall, we just seem to in most scenarios have time for more things. I think that was felt around initially. It might have changed over the course of the year, but some of you were put on furlough scheme, or some of you just gained your daily commute back and didn't have to have that which for some of you will be 40 minutes to an hour there and back again. For some, that’s still the case.

There are some people still working from home quite a lot still. That meant that you were able to design your day to encompass a little bit more for you, whether that was working out, whether that was for learning something new, you suddenly had a little bit more time. The buzzword of the moment was wellbeing. Who didn't hear that word? I know bubble was another buzzword. That was all to do with the actual virus but in actual terms of our looking after ourselves, wellbeing, mental and physical, was mentioned all the time. While we’re typically single women who potentially don't have children, I think it’s a very different story if you have children. Depending on what job you have, of course, but finding the balance of where you could put yourself first was all part of surviving this apocalyptic-style event that we're still experiencing the events of.

Just now that you start dating, that shouldn't change, because how did you feel when you found more time for yourself, and hopefully you're still doing? How much energy did you start the day off with if you did a reflection or meditation or some journaling at the start of the day? At the end of the day, how did you feel when you were showing or practicing acts of gratitude and reflecting on what you could appreciate in life? How did you feel after doing that run every other day, doing a Couch to 5k? Maintaining that time for yourself remains as important as making time to find your partner, because if you put all of your time and effort into finding a partner, that's great, obviously, you're going for something that you're trying to increase the odds of it happening. But you have to give that time to yourself in a very proportionate way, because it means you'll show up as your best self. You'll be arriving to dates ready to talk, ready to engage. Even if it's not a great date, you will be able to go in with an attitude that you've learned something or you've had an opportunity to practice talking to someone for dating or getting to know them. You'll have the space to deal with those tiresome feelings that dating can bring, and it won't drag you down so much. That's why it's important to always have time for yourself in amongst everything else.

Yeah, it is obviously nice to have someone to prioritize, to spend a lot of time with them and get to know them. For some of you, it will feel like you want to rush it because you feel like you've got deadlines. We always have this concept of time running out as women for the child element. That's dangerous territory if you don't keep the balance for yourself and for other people as well, because it should not just be about this one potential person who might not be someone that you spend a ton of time with. In the end, you've got to create a life that supports that and grows into that rather than is that and is all of that in the end. I've noticed that swept off your feet effect all too often with people where we become consumed and invested in one singular person so early on, probably best known as the honeymoon phase, I guess, that we don't take a step back to slow down, listen, and take a look at what's going on here. What's the evaluation? Have I got time for myself here, or am I spending every minute messaging this person and trying to meet up with this person?

You want to get to know them more, but oh my god, enjoy it. It takes hours to get to decide if someone's your friend, let alone someone that you want to spend it maybe your life with if that's how you see relationships. Maintain that sense of separation, maintain some level of independence, and protect your time and energy so that you can show up in such a great way that you are fantastically you not just to that person, but to everyone. Putting separation or keeping it at once a week isn't going to damage that. If you find a partner that really wants to be with you, then they will miss you in those times and appreciate you even more when you're doing that once a week, twice a week. They'll respect you for sharing that you have boundaries over time and space. Later on, they won't feel uncomfortable saying, “Look, I need this time. I need to go away my friends for a week,” or “I want to go on holiday and I want some space.” You communicate in what works well now. Prioritize yourself to show up as your best self and don't get carried away in the swept off your feet concept. Especially if this is something that's been absent for the last year and a half now, that's going to feel exciting. It's potentially an excitement we haven't had for a while. It's going to be very easy to fall into.

Now, number two is that some things haven't changed. It has been a while. The dating scene hasn't all that changed. Very much, the apps are the same. A lot of people will be the same because there hasn't necessarily been that much movement. I appreciate some people that have been doing online dating, virtual dating. There's also going to be an influx maybe of the people that did split in lockdown too. The pressure cooker of being together all the time has led to some people to split, or people that did that just before and hadn't healed and weren't ready for dating, so there is going to be a change of scenery. But a lot of people and a lot of apps are going to be the same. That means that you need to be wary and looking out for the same things as before.

People aren't always on apps for the same reason as you. Some people think that they know what they want, but in reality, it's actually different. It's not their fault. They think they want a particular something until they start looking and they're not really sure. Some people have poor personalities or their personalities don't click with yours. Some people have negative behaviors that we shouldn't accept. Our big red flags, don't ignore those. They still exist to keep your wits about you and don't invest in one single person too early. Of course, we put our best foot forward online.

The dating process still remains tiring. A lot of people find that whenever they start, particularly on an app approach, apps are knackering, full stop. There's a lot of rejection involved. That's not the biggest one. It’s the endless conversations that start and end, and it can feel relentless at times. With that, how many other ways can you date at the moment? It’s limited. There actually might be some speed dating events come up, that's still a tiring event, but at least it’s got a bit of a buzz around it and the energy potentially, or naturally meeting people in bars and speaking to people, that's slightly different.

Like anything, if you are tackling those apps, if it matters to you, you'll find ways to do it within how tired you feel, but just be strict with yourself. Turning notifications off so that you're not getting buzzes come through, left, right and center all the time. Make sure it's allocated to when you want to have conversations. Turning off being discoverable is a big one, I would say, because you might not realize it, but you're going to get a massive influx of potential likes. The way that the algorithms sometimes work, it pulls people in that have liked you earlier and it can be really overwhelming. Stick with one app, turn yourself off discoverable once you're at a point where you're talking to a few people and you're maintaining those conversations.

You don't want to put any more pressure on yourself for having to reply to all of the matches that you just copy and pasted, “Hey, how are you?” to where if you're then still getting more that you're saying hello to in the first instance. Send it to a handful of people that you've matched with, turn off discoverable, see who replies. You get two or three leads as it were, in that sense. Engage with them, see how it goes. If you're not feeling those or it not doesn't feel right, you've got those sparks or connections, whatever you're looking for, then hit discoverable back on. It’s probably best to end those conversations there.

Now, number three, is that some things have changed, which I think is great. The world is a different place now. COVID-19 has changed the world in which we live. Though the world should be opening up and social distancing should be a thing of the past for at least the UK, some people have spent a lot of time at home and won't necessarily have had their two-dose vaccine yet, particularly in this age group. It's worth being aware that the COVID 19 situation is still sensitive for some. I personally find it very hard. I've been in and amongst things based on my work, but this is personal, and you are dating someone for their individual personality, but as well as their needs, wants, desires and their feelings. This may impact on the proximity. You can be mask-wearing, which may then have an impact on facial expressions. Not to mention, obviously physical contact, that might take someone a lot longer.

We're all on different points of scale of comfortability of this. You don't know what your potential dates have gone through in terms of loss or illnesses, of all of those people around them and themselves, so acting with respect and understanding is key to allowing your date to feel comfortable, which is ultimately something they're going to remember. There's a great quote by Maya Angelou which says, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” If someone is braving it by coming out on a date to see you, then make them feel comfortable even if you’ve got apprehensions. It's not weird.

If you're the one that feels that way, it's also not weird. Don't be afraid to share that with your date. It’s a good indicator that they can hold space for you and for the way they behave around you because of the feelings you're having. That's a key quick evaluation of, “Can a person respect that I am not actually okay with all of this, but I really would like to get to know someone?” My next tip is actually the perfect way to get around this in the first instance.

Number four is, “Fancy a Zoom?” This is my favorite adaptation of lockdown, and that is the pre-date video call. This was the only real way to have any kind of date during lockdown sticking to the rules. You might have tried an online speed dating event, or just use the feature on the Bumble app, but I believe this was perfect. Without having to leave the comfort of your home, you could set up a 20-to-30 minute-video call date that gave you a sense of what the person was like. No more time wasted in the back forth messaging, oh no, this was quick and you could tell enough about a person to decide whether you wanted to continue to talk with them or not. Now I personally think that this should become a stable procedure because we are all busy people. I think the world is a busy place, and if you're dating by numbers, which is the strategy of in order to find your person, you need to expose yourself to more people. This technique saves you so much time in that because you don't want to invest a two-hour date with 100 people. You want to know quite quickly and that's why speed dating can be very good, but in the event we can't do that live, you want to be able to do that quickly with a video call, because messages can only get you so far.

Have you ever had a decent conversation with someone on messages, but then you meet them in person and the conversation just doesn't flow the same? They feel different. Or that time where they are the person in their photos, but they actually don't look the same anymore. You haven't got any of that with your investment of time traveling there and back, of getting fully dressed up, because we all know that having a video date means you can just dress properly, top half, right? And just the length of the entire date, you know, whether that's a day date, a coffee meet, a restaurant meal, this is a much shorter affair and a quick way of getting to know someone to make only a decision of, “Do I want to speak to this person again?” It doesn't have to be any more or less than that.

It’s not, “This person is someone I'm going to marry or I'm going to live with or create a life with.” You can have promise, of course, don't get carried away, but you can decide if this is a dead end or potentially a path to explore. You'll either come off of that chat buzzing with excitement, or you'll be indifferent to what's just going on. That way, you know whether you want to look forward to an in-person date, and you're willing to invest that time. You've cut out all the rubbish, you've cut out the disappointment that they weren't quite who they came across or who they said they were. Video call, it's brilliant.

Number five, what we’re saying that hasn't changed, this applies all the time, is to have fun. Still have fun. It's so easy to forget when we're on this tunnel vision of finding someone. The relentless swiping, the constant small talk is tiring. The investment of time and the number of people we start to date, it just sounds exhausting saying those things, let alone reading them here and doing them eventually. That's where your mindset has to change if you're going to enter this dating world. This is about you pursuing something that you want for your life and increasing the chances of finding the most suitable person for you. No date is a waste of time. If you only ever have one date with someone, whether that's virtual or in person, and you or they decide that it's not a match that they want to pursue, then that was still a good investment of time, because then you've got the answer of a no.

If you're further in with a few dates and they end after day three, in the same fashion, you've still had three good dates. Somewhere along the line of growing up, we are taught to associate longevity of time with the person to be the indicator of success of how well that relationship has gone. Obviously, we're just dating, you might not want to use the word relationship, but you are still having a connection with somebody. You’re still interacting. There's still a relationship between the dynamic between you two. It just isn't true that that length of time necessarily means that that is a success or not, because a new person being introduced into your life can bring new perspectives, new ideas, and new experiences. Just having one conversation with them can have more of an impact of your life than the countless conversations you have with the same people that surround you each and every day. Something they said might make you realize that they're not the person to pursue things with, but it gives you a clear idea of what you are looking for. “Oh, I don't know why I even spoke to you. Do really want to do this with your life? That isn't for me.” That can be profound.

For any date, this has to be fun. Yeah, it's a growing and learning experience that I've kind of spoken about there, but actually, you practice flirting even if it didn’t go well. For some of you, this might have been your first serial dating, but you've got past date number one. Yes, we're back into things! No matter who you're spending time with, if you've done the video date first, hopefully whatever experience you had and whatever decision gets made about moving forwards or not, you’re having fun in the moment.

Of course, there's a little bit of disappointment, “I don't want to get hurt. I’m worried that I'm going to be disappointed.” That's part and parcel of this process. You have to be ready to embrace that, but there's always something to take. You should be putting your energy and if you want fun out of it, then put fun in, take it lightly. Don't take it seriously, “I've got to find someone.” There's always something to take from a series of dates, whether it's just fun and excitement, learning something new, meeting new people. That includes when you might feel like you've wasted your time, because some of you go, “It was going really well,” and that's going to happen, just a redirection to another place. It isn't about if you are worth it, because you are. This isn't about how long you can make it last, because you're enjoying each moment as you experience it. It doesn't matter. This is about establishing what you want, deciding if someone meets the standards of who you want in your life and who you want to invest time into, and to have fun whilst you explore, learn and grow along the way.

As I did with the previous episode, I wanted to recap those five things because by the time you've listened, you're like, “Oh, what were those five things?” The five things we had today were, you are a priority. Make sure you still put yourself first. Number two, some things haven't changed. The people haven't changed. The apps haven't changed. It's tiring. Look out for things, boundary up where you need to. Number three, some things have changed. Some people going to be sensitive to COVID, whether that's you or potential dates, be aware of that. If that's going to be a problem for you, don't go on dates for people that find it very difficult. Number four, Zooms. I think that's my favorite one personally. Zoom beforehand, video chat, you can do it within particular apps. Some of them have the features, some of them don't, but I have a tendency towards the ones that do when I've tried it because you get this opportunity. Don't waste your time. You’re too busy for that. Five, have fun/take a lesson from it.

Which of those today has got you ready and thinking about dating again? I think it's important to remember it all. It's all about you going out there to have fun, to be yourself and to work out what you want. Part of the dating process is to find that. You might be like, “I think I want to be with someone,” and you'll make decisions about who that character is and how it fits in your life as you go. You also might come to the conclusion that you might not want to date. There is a lot of investment in dating, time and energy. I think there are seasons too. I think there are peaks and troughs to it, and I think this is why summer is an opportunity for people because you can get outside. The vibes are generally high when the weather is better, and you can kind of go from there. Now I hope you've enjoyed that episode and that you take one of those things like, “Yes, I loved what you said about that.” If you do, I would love to hear that from you on Instagram. You can head over to at @thesinglegirlsguidetolife and share them, or you can DM me, @chantellethecoach. If you love this episode, be sure to subscribe or follow for your weekly dose of single girl listening. Until next time, keep thriving.