In this episode we discuss crazy research that can predict 94% of the time whether or not your relationship will be successful. We reveal why you should NEVER give someone unsolicited advice. We share the communication “Swiss army knife” that you can use to build rapport, influence anyone, and deepen the most important relationships in your life and much more with our guest Michael S. Sorenson. Michael S. Sorensen is an award-winning author, marketing executive, relationship coach, researcher, and personal development junkie. He is the author of the best-selling I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships and the 3-Minute Morning Journal.Listen, seek to understand, and then validatePeople question if we understand how they are feelingReflective listening vs validationCrazy research that can predict 94% of the time whether or not your relationship will be successful.The 3 primary ways of respondingHappily married couples validate each other more than 87% of the time. Divorced couples validated each other only 33% of the time.The biggest takeaway from this interview - don’t give unsolicited advice! When you give people advice they get defensive, and then both parties get frustrated pretty quickly. In today’s societies we have serious difficultly processing and understanding our emotions. Most of the time what people want is NOT advice, they want help processing the difficult emotions that they are experiencing. Reframe: Ask yourself “So, what are you gonna do about it?"When you jump in and give advice, you miss out on an opportunity to show them respect and an opportunity for them to grow. Validation can help when someone is experiencing both negative and positive emotions. Validation is a tremendously powerful negotiation tool. When people feel heard and understood they are more likely to listen to you and understand you. Validation helps you break down defensiveness.What is validation?Invalidating responsesTo be an effective communicator you have to communicate to people the way they ARE, not the way you want them to be. We often invalidate OURSELVES too - saying “it’s fine” or “I shouldn’t feel this way”You can’t repress an emotion and get away with it - they come back stronger and stronger. Repressed emotions are the root of many negative behaviors. We repress ourselves both ways - positively and negatively. When we experience positive things we should validate ourselves.Why you should accept compliments instead of deflecting them. How do you validate and justify an emotion that you don’t agree with? Lessons from dealing with someone who has schizophrenia - and how you can validate emotions that you “disagree with” Justifying emotions - “it makes sense, given what you think, that you feel that way” 4 Steps of ValidationDo you ever feel like someone isn’t listening to you? Maybe you need to flip the script and ask if you’ve really been listening to THEM.“Given what you’ve said, I completely understand why you would feel that way."A lot of emotional problems are a result of parents or people close in our lives who invalidated our negative experiences. Dealing with your emotions is HARD. Your emotions are unruly. Imagine how scary your emotions are as an adult, children don’t have the tools to deal with their emotions.Homework: the next tough conversation you have, don’t give them your advice.
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The Surprisingly Simple Skill Behind Extraordinary Relationships with Michael S. Sorenson | The Science of Success podcast - Listen or read transcript on Metacast
