Science of Dating 06: Pitfall #6: Ignoring Your Needs

So let me see if I can convince you that you have a blind spot in every eye, in both eyes. So at the back of your eyes where your rods and cones are that receive light. There is one spot where the optic nerve comes and gathers all that information. Now there are no rods and cones where your optic nerve is. And so with no rods and cones, you cannot perceive anything. You have a blind spot in each eye. And let me see if I can help you find it.

Okay, those of you who are listening on the podcast, if you'll go to brotherDunford.org, let me say that again, brotherDunford.org and click on the resources page. At the bottom of the page, you'll find the blind spot test. You may want to print that out and try this. The instructions are on the back.

Here's how you do it. Ready? So I want you to so we're gonna test your right eye. You're do you know that you're right eyed or left eyed like you're right-handed or left-handed? You you favor an eye. So whatever your dominant eye is Close the other one. I'm right-eyed. So I'm going to close my left eye and I'm going to stare at the plus sign with the dot on the outside. The dot cannot be on the inside. You won't catch it.

So stare, so I'm gonna put the plus right in front of my eye with the dot on the outside and my left eye closed. And then I'm gonna start moving it out. Now here's the freakiest thing in the world. When I get about right there, the dot disappears. If I stare at the plus I can find a spot where the dot disappears because I'm moving the dot in the f in right where my optic nerve is. Right in my blind spot. I can get to a point. For me, it's right about that far away.

Staring at that plus sign, that dot disappears. It is literally gone. I cannot see it. Now if I glance over to it, I can see it. But if I stare at the plus, I can make the dot disappear. And you can do it with the other eye. You can find the spot right there. Right there, the the dot disappears. As soon as you put the dot In your blind spot, it disappears. You may need to go further out.

And do not look at the dot. You have to look at the plus. Keep go come in closer. You're going too far. Weird. And you gotta m you have to move it around. You may have to move it around. But now my point. Now play with that letter. I I I these are the instructions. I'm gonna send you the instructions if you want to take it home and play with it. But let me make my point.

Now one thing you need to know is when I close my eye, I know where my blind spot is and I can tell that my brain is filling it in, but I can tell it's fuzzy in that spot. But when I open my left eye There are no blind spots in my vision. I have no blind spots in my vision. Tell me why. So you have blind spot in one eye but not in the other eye. Is that what you're saying? Yep. I have no I have a blind spot in both eyes. But my left eye is not blind where my right eye is. My say that louder.

My eyes are what word would you use here? Complementary. Complementary. My eyes are complementary. One eye makes up for the loss in the other eye. It doesn't magically make the other eye better. The butt the other eye is still blind. But in that area, my left eye pulls a little harder. This is where I need to pull the load a little bit more. Because you're weak here. And there is a spot where my right eye pulls a little bit harder. The idea that my eyes are complementary.

Both have a blind spot. Both have a weakness. And neither of the weaknesses are in the same spot as the other. Now tell me what would happen if both eyes were blind in the same spot. You'd run into a door. I would run into objects, I would crash into cars.

If both of my eyes were blind in the same spot. Now do you see where I'm going with this? I am going to ask a piercing doctrinal question. Do you Do you believe this verse? This is Ether chapter twelve, verse twenty seven. If men come unto me, I will show unto them their weakness. Now here's the doctrinal declaration. I give. That means it's what? It's a gift. It's a gift. I have given you a gift. I have given each one of you a gift. And your gift is that I have made you weak.

I have given each one of you a gift of weakness. And the reason I've done that. is so that you learn to seek for my and other people's help. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble. And my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me. For if they humble themselves before me, if they acknowledge they have a weakness and seek out compensatory help, Complimentary health. Then will I make weak things become strong.

Now, I think we interpret, sometimes we interpret this incorrectly. Sometimes we think that God will fix the weakness. And yes, sometimes he does. Other times, guess what he does? He leaves the weakness there and gives you someone who isn't weak there. Who can pull a little bit harder in those moments where you're weak. With all my soul, I believe this scripture to be true. I believe God has given me a very significant weakness. And I believe Satan knows what my weakness is.

I don't remember premortal life. He does. He has an advantage to trip me up. He knows exactly where to dangle something ca that I can't see. I have been given as one of the greatest gifts of my life a weakness. If this verse is true. Who might be my greatest companion in life? Who might possibly make a better companion for me than anyone else? Someone besides the Savior. Who would make my best companion? Your spouse. Someone who is not weak where I am weak.

Someone who can see what I can't see, who can lift where I can't lift. Someone who is someone who watches my sick, someone who knows when to pull a little harder because in this area I am weak. If you have a weakness, wouldn't your best companion be someone that is a complement to that weakness?

Let me give you two examples. Let me give you an example of someone given a weakness who doesn't seek out a compliment and someone given a weakness who does. Let me show you the difference. Let me show you someone given a weakness, told what his weakness is, and never does anything to fix it or complement it or strengthen him. And someone given a weakness, blaringly obvious to all of the rest of us that he has that weakness, and yet from the very beginning.

Sought for a complementary, someone who is strong where he was weak. Let me give you two examples. Example number one is Oliver Cowdry. Example number two is Joseph Smith. Turn with me to section 23 of the Doctrine and Covenants. Let's go to Doctrine and Covenants, section 23, verse 1, and tell me what Oliver Cowdery's weakness was. The Lord's gonna tell him early on in the restoration. Section 23 verse 1. Section 23. Yep, section twenty-three verse one.

Here it is. Tell me what Oliver Cowdry's weakness was. Pride. Pride. Now what position would be very hard for someone with pride to hold? The number two guy. Someone with pride and you make him the number two guy. Do you see what the Lord is doing? I have given you a weakness, Oliver, and I've put you in a position where that weakness may very well destroy you. What happens when someone with pride is in the number two position? He is going to envy the person in the number one position.

So Oliver, you have a weakness. Your weakness is pride. And oh by the way, I'm gonna put you in a position where you better fix this or it's gonna destroy you. Now you may not know the story of Oliver Cowdery, but does Oliver Cowdery at any point show an attempt to fix or complement or correct his pride? And Oliver Cowdry.

Will be excommunicated. The first baptized member in this dispensation who held gold plates, who translated the majority of the Book of Mormon will be excommunicated because of why? His pride. Oliver Cowdry was warned And everything the Lord said came to pass. He was excommunicated because of his pride. Luckily, tell me what happened afterwards. He swallowed his pride and came back. But what did he miss out on? So much.

Because of his pride. Now, if only someone had warned him about that pride, like in In eighteen thirty, long before it was a problem. Now, let's contrast that. Ready? Let me contrast that. Go to the very next chapter, verse 9. Chap section 42, section 40, or sorry, 24. That's another one of my weaknesses. I'm a little dyslexic. Section twenty four, not forty two. Section twenty four, verse nine. Tell me what Joseph was told from the very beginning.

Hey Joseph, in temporal things you're not very good. And oh my goodness, was that true? If you look through the history of the church, tell me what Joseph was not very good at. My terrible business. He was and yet he runs a bank. And what what happens when the bank goes down? People leave, you know, he how w the evidence that Joseph Smith was not good in temporal things is pretty astounding, right? This weekend come follow me.

Yes, this week in comf only restoration of the Ronic priesthood. We know the story, right? Banks of the Susquehanna River, John the Baptist. We have the prayer. We know exactly what happened. Upon you, my fellow servants. Now, can anyone tell me what happened when the Melchizedek priesthood was restored? What was the prayer? What was the circumstance? What was the story? We know it occurred, but we can't tell the story because why?

Joseph never wrote it down. He never wrote it down. And it's lost. Because Joseph wasn't very good in temporal things. Now, tell me what Joseph Smith did when he was told, when it was pointed out, that you're not very good at writing things down. You're not very good at temporal things. From the very beginning, tell me what Joseph does. He hires a scribe. My great-great-great-grandfather was one of his dearest scribes. Now guess what my great-great-grandfather was really good at?

Writing stuff down. Tell me what Joseph did. How did he handle that? How did he handle that? I have a weakness. I'm not gonna look the other way. I'm not gonna ignore it. I'm not gonna will it to go away. I have a weakness. I'm not very good at writing things down. The history of this church is a mess because Joseph wasn't good at writing things down. And some of his scribes were not very faithful. But Joseph complimented that.

And at least he tried to hire a scribe. Some of them were not very good, some of them were very, very good. The latter years of his life, rich because his scribes were really good. Now

You have been given a weakness. It's a gift. It is a blessing in your life. But here's my worry. What kind of people do you hang out with what kind of people have you hung out with for most of your life? What kind of people did you hang out with in high school? A people very much like you. I'm always fascinated. I've I've done institute, I've done seminary, I've gone back and forth. I'm always fascinated when I'm at a seminary. Athletes usually hang out with

Athletes. Music people, that's so clickish. Music people hang out with music people. They almost disdain anyone that isn't music. Theater people hang out with theater people. And it's almost a badge of honor like you're not one of us. We hang out with likes. We hang out with people like us.

It was so easy to do because we have all the we are on the same clubs, we're on the same teams, we go to the same practices, we come to school at the same time, we do the same things after school. It was so easy. hang out with people like you. And then who do we date? The people we hang out with. Who are we most likely to marry? The people we date. Do you see the cycle? We hang out with people like us. We date people we hang out with, and we marry the people we date.

And yet it might be that what I need is not the people like me. It might be that the best person for me to marry is not like me. Now, how do I get into that circle? How do I get out of the circle I've been in for most of my life where I exclude the people who aren't like me? Now you can see where we're going with the next pitfall, right? You can see exactly where the next pitfall lines up, but how do I begin to embrace more people like me? I am as left brained, logical oriented as anyone.

The gospel for me is true because it's logical. Revelation comes to my mind more than to my heart. I am very logic driven. When Heavenly Father speaks to me, it makes sense. I married a woman who is very emotion driven. She operates emotionally. It has been the hardest thing in the world and the absolute best thing in the world. My life has completely changed because what she has allowed me to see.

And I believe her life is better because of what I have helped her see. Now imagine those two. Imagine a very logic-oriented male, a very emotion-driven woman trying to decide when to have the next baby. You laugh. But how do I approach that decision? When is it logical? How does she approach that decision? When it feels right. And I have a tendency to say to her, I don't care how it feels, the timing's not right. It's not logical. And she has a tendency to say

I don't care about the timing, it's ri I feel it. I feel it right now. And you know what? That is the best thing in the whole world for me. To see through her eyes. I have learned to love like I never would have learned to love because I married her. Now, can you imagine the experience our children have had? A very logic-driven dad, a very emotion-driven mom. I say it's the it's a balance between both. Now that's the beauty. If you were to ask my children what was it like growing up?

Now, uh those of you who were raised by complementary parents, can you can you testify? Can you ex- can you share examples where I had a very, my parents were very different from each other, and yet it was that different. that gave me one of the greatest childhoods I could have had. I can't imagine now, after being married for 34 years, I can't imagine having married a woman just like me. Because everything would have been logical. and our poor children.

But they have been I have been tremendously blessed by someone who pulls a little bit harder in areas where I am weak. And she has changed my life. I see the world so much better.

through her. I am grateful that I married someone not like me. So my job today is to not tell you who to marry, is not tell you what the right person is. My job today is to invite you to consider what might you need. What might you need? I've got you thinking about what are your deal breakers? When would you walk away? When would you break the deal? What are the deal breakers? What what you could you not live with?

What are the absolutely essential similarities? We have to be on the same page here. Raising children, finances, all the things that we've talked about. We have to be on the same page in this area, or that's gonna break the deal. I can't live without that similarity. But now I'm gonna invite you to add one more ball that you're juggling as you look for an eternal companion. One more thing to consider, and that is what do you need? What do you need?

Now, if you'll allow me to take a shot right in your face, let me just punch you right in the face and invite you to do something that is also difficult to do, and that is to identify what your weakness is. Until you put this paper up, you will never see that you have a weakness. And until you actually are open to finding what God's gift to you is, you will never discover your weakness. Let me open, let me point out a couple ways the Lord has been trying to point out what your weakness is.

Let me just see again, let me turn to the prophet Joseph Smith. I think this is one of the most if you want to know why I love him, I think this quotation might be one of the reasons I love him the most. This quotation has changed how I view the prophet. He changed my life as he taught me how to identify a weakness. Someone this is the story of Jesse Crosby.

I went one day with the Prophet to the Prophet with a sister. She had a charge against one of the brethren for scandal. Okay, so Joseph Smith, Jesse, and a woman. Woman Someone has spread a rumor about the woman, some scandal. She's coming to see Joseph. When her complaint had been heard, the prophet asked her if she was quite sure that what the brother had said of her was utterly untrue. She was quite sure that it was. Remember that. She's quite sure that the rumor is false.

He then told her to think no more about it for it couldn't harm her. If untrue it could not live, but the truth will survive. Still she felt she should have some redress. Then he offered her his method of dealing with such cases for himself. This is astounding. When an enemy had often told a scandalous story about him, which had often been done, before he rendered judgement, He paused and let his mind run back to the time and place and setting of the story.

To see if he had not, by some unguarded word or act, laid the block on which the story was built. He found that if he had done so, he said in his heart that he forgave his that he then forgave his enemy, and felt thankful that he had received a warning of a weakness he did not know he possessed. That is absolutely astounding.

Then he said to the sister that he would have her do the same, search her memory thoroughly, and see if she had not herself unconsciously laid the foundation for the scandal that annoyed her. The sister thought deeply for a few moments and then confessed that she believed that she had.

Then the prophet told her that in her heart she should forgive that brother who had risked his own good name and her friendship to give her this clearer view of herself. The sister thanked her adviser and went away in peace. May I testify that people have been trying to point out your weakness your whole life. And until you pause and say, Is there any truth to what they're saying? And you recognize, oh my goodness, there is You will never see your weakness.

So let me give you a couple of examples. One of my greatest strengths is also one of my greatest weaknesses. I am very obsessive. It's why I teach the scriptures. It's why I know what I know. It's why it's my greatest strength. I have been obsessing over the scriptures for decades.

One time I obsessed over the book of Hala. I read it seventeen times straight in two months because I didn't think I had it mastered. One time I read it backwards in reverse order so I could see the end from the beginning. I obsessed. I get something in my mind and I can't think of anything else. I go home and one of my kids says that something doesn't work. Guess what? You might as well just forget everything because I am not gonna think of anything else until that is fixed.

Is my greatest strength, but is also my greatest weakness. Quite often, when my mind is fixed on something and my wife says, Bryce, I need your help. I messed up. And my sweet wife, she'll say things like, Oh, I'll just wait. Now if I'm not careful, I miss it. But what does oh I'll just wait mean? Dude, you have a problem and I'm trying to point it out, but you're not listening. But she doesn't say that, she just simply says, I'll just wait. I'll just wait. Let me know when you're done.

Until I finally say I I see the block on which this statement is built. And I've realized I have a problem. And she is the strength to my weakness. She's changed my life. Because she is willing to speak up. I have learned that when my friends speak, when my enemies speak, That's what I learn about me. the harshest, most unkind things said to you, Are how you discover your weakness. Let me give you an example. I hit six feet tall in sixth grade.

I was this. I weighed in my ninth grade. I weighed in for basketball trials my freshman year. I was six foot three and weighed 122 pounds. The coach made me get off the scale and g get back on to make sure the scale wasn't broken. I weighed a hundred and twenty two pounds my ninth grade year at six three.

Now, the reason I say that, in all those years, all those kindergarten, all those playgrounds, all the teasing, all the things, all the unkind, cruel things that have been said to me, not once was I called fat. Now that's a legitimate insult. That's a legitimate insult to hurt someone's feeling is to call them fat. But not one time was I ever called fat. Tell me why. It was so obviously not true it couldn't hurt me. We all learned at a very young age. If you want to hurt someone, what do you do?

You take something true. And you use it as an insult. Now, do you see the gift that they are giving you? As hard as it is, they are telling you you have a weakness. It wouldn't hurt if it wasn't true. It never hurt me. I was never called fact. Because that couldn't hurt me. What hurt me were all the other things they said. That were true. And there's my weakness. And if I'm humble, I'm not sure.

I'll see it. I remember one time I was teaching seminary in a two man building. I started in a two man building. Two man seminary buildings are really hard because there's two people. One day I was prepping, so the t the other teacher was the only teacher. I was in my office, it was a small building, I could hear everything. A girl comes over from the school to drop off some papers. A girl come another girl comes out of the other teacher's class.

They start chatting in the in the lobby. Oh, hi, so-and-so. Oh, what do you do? I'm just coming to drop off the oh I'm in I'm in seminary. Oh, who do you have? I have the other teacher. This girl says, Oh, I have Brother Dunford. The girl from the other class says, I hope I never get Brother Dunford. Now I'm in my office going. Now the girl in my class says, why? He's great. And she lists five reasons.

Here's five reasons I don't ever want to have brother doctor. Now tell me what my what do you think my instinct was? With all five. What do you think my instinct was? Uh no. Never. No, I don't. Never have no. But luckily I had one of those moments and Joseph's quotation came to my mind and so I I 예, I can see that. Yeah. And all of a sudden my instinct to say no no no no no all of a sudden became Yeah, there's a lot of truth. To every one of us.

I'm gonna work on the That girl later came to me, was in my class, and she and I became the dearest friends because she helped me see me. Now that is a painful road to go down, but if you're willing to go down that road, you begin to realize who you might need to marry. Who would be a disaster to Mary? given the weakness that I have. If you will be willing to identify a weakness, you will be able to then start to look for the people who would be a complement. For that weakness.

Nick. Two questions. I'm mingling together. The first one is how do you not internalize that, those truths, to make it negative way you feel like you're a terrible person? The second is when we say weaknesses like this, how do you make it feel as if Like for me I have my weaknesses, sure. And I can recognize them, but the one thing I don't want to be is a verdict.

How do you not make that seem like that? It just feels like that. That's where love comes in. That's where the choice comes in. The choice is to recognize, you know what, I can see. I will I'm willing to lift there. And uh what I offer Jen isn't my weaknesses alone. What am I offering Jen? I am offering her strength to her weaknesses. I am lofting her in other words, yes, Bryce.

I recognize your weakness. I'm not running away. And again, guess where we're going? When do you run away? When do you not run away? When is a weakness enough that I need to walk away? And when do I need to be willing to give it a try? Because I in my preconceived notions have pushed that away. But what I offered my wife was more than my weakness. If all I had was my weakness, I would totally understand her saying no thanks. But I am all the you get the packet.

And I think that's where that that's where that I love you. I love you all your strengths, I love your weaknesses. To your first question, we've got a I give unto men hum I give unto men weakness, why? If you take it personally, you're missing them. So the question we would have to ask is, what's humility? And that's a subject for another day. But if you take your weakness offensively, you've missed the point. The only way they become strong look look at the repetition.

I give unto men weakness that they may be humble, and my grace is sufficient for who? All those who humble themselves. For if they humble themselves, then what? What did he say three times? You can't take a weakness personally, accusatorily, and tear yourself down. I gave you a weakness as a gift. It's a blessing to you. And if you'll be humble about it, and if you'll recognize that I am coming to this relationship with a weakness, but I am bringing a lot more than my weakness.

And the beautiful thing is when Jennifer says, Bryce, I I want to marry you Because of these things, and I will lift. I choose to lift in those areas. I recognize I'm marrying a very obsessive person. And it's gonna be the greatest blessing in my life, and it's gonna be the biggest problem in my life. But I am willing to lift. A little bit more because you're gonna lift a little bit more here. Do you see how marriage works? But the key has to be one. Two, three.

It has to be. I'm humble. Oliver Cowdery was not. Joseph was. There has to be. I have a weakness, and I'm trying to fix it. And I'm not. I'm not unaware of the fact that my weakness is going to be a hard thing for you because you're going to have to lift a little bit harder in these areas. But I'm willing to lift a little bit harder. in those areas. That's the partnership. Here and then here.

Sure, it was just a little bit more complimentary to that. It was going on with this point. How to not feel like a burden. When we say that let's take an example, let's say I have a weakness and personal point. Let's say I'm horrible credit market. Very easy. Very easy. That doesn't mean that when I find a partner that's that opposite, I'm resolved of my own financial obligations or responsibilities. No. But it means I have someone to lean on. Yeah. It's like rafting plants, like roses together.

You have both plants are still carrying water, still carrying nutrients to make the roads, but you have the base plant which is stronger in some areas and the other plant that has its own strength in producing the flower. Yeah. Yep.

And luckily I have a partner. Let me give you one more scripture. Joseph Smith said his whole life the the problem with his youth is he didn't have the right friends and then he defined what the right kind of friends are. And I think this is a beautiful example of who are the right kind who are the what's the right kind of spouse?

So Joseph Smith History, he says in verse twenty eight that he fell into many foolish errors because why? He fell into foolish errors because he didn't have the right kind of friends. And what would the fr right kind of friends have done? What would the right kind what what would the right spouse if I have if I have a propensity to credit card debt, what would the right spouse do if they supposed me deluded?

They should have and they will endeavor in a proper and affectionate manner to have reclaimed me. She's going to be a little bit more vocal when it comes to finances and a little bit, Bryce, careful. She's not afraid to speak up and say You're walking next to a pitfall and you're likely to fall into it. She she will seek in a proper and affectionate manner to reclaim me. Doesn't mean she can fix my problem. But she's not afraid to help. This is Joseph Smith History, verse twenty eight.

Have the right kind of friends. The right kind of friends are the ones that will say you got a problem right here and I love you too much to not say something about it. I've been both cursed and blessed with the inability to hide several of my weaknesses. Unfortunately, the three mental illnesses and two mental disorders all directly feed into the neuro disorder and it is visible for all to see. But

through working with Heavenly Father, I've come to find the strengths that I've gained through the weaknesses. My depression has given me greater empathy for others. My anxiety has helped me be able to bring to others a a a lasting peace. My my ADHD has helped me find order amidst the chaos and help others find that as well. The neurological disorder has taught me humility because I there are some days I can't do anything myself because I'm trapped in bed.

in some in those instances I'm appreciative for the weaknesses that I have because of the strengths that they've given me. And when I've given thanks for the before those trials, it's helped me become far less resentful of the weaknesses I have. And help me find a greater way to learn to live with them in many cases less debilitating ways. Now we here's where we're gonna go. Eric, right? Yes, yes. What a shame. for someone to not even give Eric a chance because they see a challenge.

What a shame to not have access to the strengths that also come with those weaknesses, right? Do you see what I'm saying? Sometimes we have a tendency to not even give someone a chance who would be a tremendous blessing because we have these preconceived notions that that's not a man. So next week we're going to do two things. Pitfall seven is not letting them in when you should. Not giving them a chance, not opening your mind to the possibility that that might be a spouse.

Autism, for example, or sometimes mental health challenges or handicaps or blindness or deafness or skin color or culture or a thousand other things. Sometimes we say, No, that's not my match, and we shut the door. and we don't give them a chance when we should. That's pitfall seven. Pitfall eight is we don't walk away when we should. This is not what I need. And we don't walk away. We don't let them in. We don't give them a chance.

And we don't walk away when we should. We don't let them in when we should, and we don't w walk away when we should. That will be pitfall seven. Do you see how they're just kind of I recognize I might not need I might need someone I've never conceived as a match. I need to give that person, I give need to give that a chance. But I need to recognize when it it's a it's a deal breaker. And I I need to walk away before it's too late.

Then after that, one thing we haven't talked about is the moral question, sin and transgression. Do you allow repentance? If you walk away at the first sign of a deal breaker, you may miss someone incredible who would change. Do you allow change? Do you forgive and allow repentance and change and balance that with do you recognize when change isn't going to occur? You see where we're going in the next couple of weeks?

I bear you my solemn testimony that the better you consider your needs, the happier your marriage may very well be. Consider your deal breakers, necessary similarities, but consider your needs, necessary differences. I need someone who can pull a little bit harder where I don't have the ability to pull. And what I offer them is a compliment. I will pull a little bit harder where they don't have the ability to pull. That is a complementary situation.

And that has the potential of making two very strong individuals. Of that I testify in the name of Jesus Christ.