"You are just too selfish and self-centered. That is why we have marriage problems." Have you heard that before? A listener is wondering if she is too self-centered for her marriage. I am guessing that her spouse has told her just that. Maybe even said she is selfish. It is always interesting when I hear this accusation in my office... from both people! At the same time! Both accuse the other of causing the problems because they are too selfish and self-centered. To be clear, it is entirely poss...
Jun 30, 2021•23 min•Ep. 409
It's a predicament, isn't it? It would be so much easier to save your marriage... if it weren't for that pesky spouse. (I jest, but you might actually feel this way.) You make an effort, your spouse resists. You take a step forward, your spouse takes a step backward... and tries to drag you back, too! What DO you do? When your spouse is so convinced that nothing can change. Or maybe when your spouse starts to see some possibility... and you don't know what to do, what to share, how to help. Quit...
Jun 23, 2021•26 min•Ep. 408
I've seen it so many times. A marriage is slowly, slowly, slowly moving apart. Then, suddenly, it is ending! Slowly, then all at once. A recent survey from a divorce attorney group showed the central dynamic of marriages ending: they slowly drifted apart. You may not need a survey to tell you about this threat. I sure didn't. I've seen it over and over. Nothing drastic or sudden. Just slowly disconnecting. Slowly drifting apart. And slowly failing. Maybe you hit the Pause Button... and didn't kn...
Jun 16, 2021•22 min•Ep. 407
Are there things that you do that might KEEP you from saving your marriage? Yes. These are pretty common actions people take, not knowing that they are doing MORE damage, and making it even MORE difficult to save their marriage. I wanted to cover these 10 ways you can mess up on saving your marriage, not to point out any mistakes, but to help you avoid and prevent those mistakes. And if you have already made those mistakes, then start where you are. Just be sure not to fall back into the same tr...
Jun 09, 2021•23 min•Ep. 406
Since my book, Thrive Principles, came out, people have asked me why I shifted my focus from saving marriages to thriving. In reality, there is no shift. My System on saving a marriage is the same path to having a thriving marriage. In fact, my focus from the beginning was on how to have a thriving life in all areas of living -- including in marriage. Which means that there are many cross-over points between how we thrive and how we save a marriage. In this week's Save The Marriage Podcast, I di...
Jun 02, 2021•22 min•Ep. 405
Connection is the lifeblood of any relationship… and especially a marriage. When connection is cut off, the relationship falters. When a marriage is disconnected, the marriage is at risk. This concept is the backbone of my approach. It is the core of my System — restoring the connection. Which is the problem. Many people push and push for connection, leading to — ironically — even less connection and more push-back. The concept of connection as the most important factor in saving a marriage sudd...
May 26, 2021•49 min•Ep. 404
Slowly, slowly... you are making progress! You keep working on turning your marriage around... and it is working! Maybe you think it isn't moving fast enough. Or maybe you have just been holding all of those emotions, fears, and hurts, in... and they start to grow. You can feel it! But you try hard not to let it out. To keep on moving forward. To keep on making connections. Until... Maybe it was something small... Maybe it was yet one more little thing (or even a medium thing... maybe even a big...
May 19, 2021•19 min•Ep. 403
Are you and your spouse addicted to blame? Do you find yourself pointing your finger toward your spouse, sure that it is really your spouse's fault (and is your spouse doing the same thing?)? Or maybe you are just blaming yourself. You see this whole mess as YOUR fault. Blame has one single outcome -- STUCK. It robs you of power (and steals away responsibility). Blame is highly corrosive to connection. And it freezes up the process of change. It freezes out any chance for change. And it is unnec...
May 12, 2021•17 min•Ep. 402
I was busy working on some projects when a news notification popped up on my tablet: “Bill and Melinda Gates Announce They Are Divorcing.” Wow, what a power couple! And they were calling it quits. Whenever this happens, a powerful and successful couple decides to divorce, I hear from a few people. They look at all of that _______ (you fill in the blank: money, success, resources, connections, etc.) and wonder, “What chance do I have to save MY marriage, if THEY can’t stay together." I would pres...
May 05, 2021•17 min•Ep. 401
Two phone calls the same day. Both with the same question: "What if I CAN'T save my marriage?" One had been working at it for awhile. The other hadn't started (and was trying to decide whether to even start). It's a common question that gets asked at 3 different times in the process. Each has a different meaning. All share a fear. That fear can keep you from taking action, talk you into giving up, or serve to inform you. This week, I want to take on the question, "What if I can't save it?", beca...
Apr 28, 2021•21 min•Ep. 400
As often as possible, I like to answer listener submitted questions (you can submit YOUR question by CLICKING HERE). The reason is because if you have a question, it is very likely that someone else has the same (or very similar) question. In this episode, I answer Patrick. His question is a concern that when a spouse says they fell out of love, and only feel “friends”-type care, that maybe nothing can be done. Maybe, Patrick wonders, it isn’t possible to get back to love, to return to prior fee...
Apr 21, 2021•22 min•Ep. 399
Do you find yourself stuck in arguments in your marriage that never get anywhere? Or maybe it is just a matter of useless “discussions”? I was recently reading a book, and the author (Adam Grant) was noting 3 modes of communication that keep us stuck right where we are. They were not just communication patterns, but thought patterns. Grant noted there are 3 roles we easily fall into… and 1 mode that gets you out. Here is the problem… the 3 roles that don’t work? They are so easy to fall into. In...
Apr 14, 2021•21 min•Ep. 398
The email was pages long, all about the problems in her marriage. Each line was about how her husband had ruined the marriage. She pointed out actions of her husband, and he did make mistakes (no abuse, mind you). She wanted to know what to do -- how to save her marriage -- given the fact that it wasn't her fault. She was clear that she wanted the marriage, but she just didn't know what to do, after all he had done to damage the relationship. NMF She was skidding down the fastest path to failing...
Apr 07, 2021•24 min•Ep. 397
Is your marriage crisis marked by heated arguments or cold distance? Hot or cold? Are they really that different? Or is it all a part of the same process? And how does it affect your attempts to save your marriage? During back-to-back coaching sessions with two couples, I had a case of each. In the first, both were practically red-faced with anger, talking over each other and refusing to listen. In the second session, the couple were cold and distant, refusing to engage with each other, routing ...
Mar 31, 2021•28 min•Ep. 396
For some reason, your spouse just can’t see a way forward. You want things to be better… you want to save your marriage. But your spouse can’t (or won’t) see a possibility. Why? There are actually 3 real barriers your spouse might be experiencing. They just can’t see a way around any or all of the barriers. Those 3 barriers are Hurting, Hopeless, and Helpless. Emotional struggles are painful — for all involved! And many times, it just doesn’t seem like there is a way to get help… and that can ma...
Mar 24, 2021•49 min•Ep. 395
In my Save The Marriage System Quick-Start Guide, I show the 8 distinct stages of a marriage crisis. But those are the stages of the crisis. There are also stages to your awareness of the crisis. This is the point where you are aware of the crisis, the level of the crisis, and the potential threat of the crisis. And just to let you know: you are NOT at stage 1. That would be Asleep. This is the point when you are not even aware that things are in trouble. You are blissfully unaware of — or choos...
Mar 17, 2021•21 min•Ep. 394
“Marriage should be 50/50,” many a well-intentioned couple told me before they got married. I knew they were in trouble. And for all of the best of intentions! They wanted to be equals. Equal responsibility and equal coverage. Which is exactly what was heading them straight toward the trouble. Yes, they had the best of intentions. And yes, it is a great ideal to want to equally contribute in the relationship. And yes, that headed them straight for trouble. Why? Because they had already signed on...
Mar 10, 2021•48 min•Ep. 393
Feelings. We all have them. What we feel, and how we make others feel. Sometimes, we have the wrong feelings. And we try to get away from those feelings. In a relationship in trouble, you can guarantee that someone is not feeling the way that he or she wants to feel. So, that person tries to get away from what is making them feel that way. Unfortunately, that "something" is more a "someone," the spouse. Are YOU making your spouse feel something that is causing him or her to want to get away? The...
Mar 03, 2021•21 min•Ep. 391
Many times, people tell me that their marriage was doing just fine (well, at least OK), and then it was in trouble, “All at once,” that they “didn’t see it coming,” and that others thought they “were the ‘perfect couple’ — then this.” In fact, many people tell me about love notes and loving cards last year, last month, even last week. What happened? How could the marriage fall about, seemingly out of nowhere? The simple answer is, it didn’t. Marriage crises do not come out of nowhere, and are fa...
Feb 24, 2021•25 min•Ep. 390
You've been working hard to reconnect and change yourself. You're proud of your efforts. But your spouse just isn't buying. For whatever reason, your spouse just does not trust the changes -- or maybe doesn't even see the changes! Do you feel like you are hitting a brick wall? Like nothing you are doing is making a difference? Like your spouse has already judged you and won't allow themselves to see something different? In this episode, I will be discussing several reasons why your spouse isn't ...
Feb 17, 2021•21 min•Ep. 389
We had been talking for at least half an hour. I was discussing some thoughts about her marriage problems as she was trying to figure out what to do. I noted where the problems started and how she might start repairing. Fact is, that is why people are on my website, listen to my podcast, grab my System, or seek me out. They want a loving, connected relationship and right now, it has problems they can’t quite solve. But they know something has to change, or they are headed for deeper problems and...
Feb 10, 2021•22 min•Ep. 388
You started working on saving your marriage. Good for you! And then, you hit a bump. You get knocked down. Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional. Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset. Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s. And it knocks you down. Enough that you think it is over. That you are at the end. But are you? Or do you need to get back up? In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth. I fall for that myth all the time. I thi...
Feb 03, 2021•27 min•Ep. 387
What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant? More distant than you would like? Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection? Is that the relationship you are stuck with? Some connection. Still married. But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want? That is the question posed to me. Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation. But now, some time later, after his return, the connection...
Jan 27, 2021•19 min•Ep. 386
In previous podcast episodes, I have answered questions submitted by listeners. In fact, I still do. You can email your questions by clicking here. But since this podcast goes to listeners around the world, submitted questions need to be a) applicable to others, and b) not so broad that it is impossible to answer in a simple episode. But then, there are the short questions. Both in the question and the needed response. So, in this episode, I round up the short questions, so I can address them al...
Jan 20, 2021•36 min•Ep. 385
You have already journeyed to here. Maybe your relationship is hurting and in pain. Maybe your connection has gone cold. But however you got here, whatever the path, you want to get somewhere different. Somewhere better. It may seem cliche, but it is a journey. And this last part of the journey, it has some stops along the way. Many times, people think (and want) it to be a linear path, stopping along the way, but arriving at the end, reconciled and in love. Those four big stops? Apology Forgivi...
Jan 13, 2021•23 min•Ep. 384
You might feel like "tapping out," or forfeiting, just giving up and walking away. It can be frustrating when you are trying to save a marriage, only to get pushback from a spouse. You are working to build the connection, working to improve yourself, and working to make a different relationship. But it feels like two steps forward, three steps back. How do you "stay in the game?" Partly, it is mental. But there are also some things you can do to help you shift perspective, keep your patience, an...
Jan 06, 2021•18 min•Ep. 383
We are about to turn the page on the calendar. For me, that means a look forward. What will the new year hold? What will I bring into the new year? Either it happens to you or you make it happen. So what will we make happen? I just finished doing some research with people who have used my System, been clients, or in my programs. They divided into two groups: those who succeeded in saving their marriage, and those who failed. My task was to determine what made the difference. They all had the bas...
Dec 30, 2020•27 min•Ep. 382
Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year? I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year. And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol. This year, I want to offer a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past. Yep. Christmas, with new opportunities. Here it is: Christmas Eve. Chris and Holly have settled into bed. Neither can sleep. It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their h...
Dec 23, 2020•14 min•Ep. 381
Basic geometry, right? The triangle? Just three points and three lines connecting. Simple. A building block for geometric shapes of all kinds. And yet, in the context of relationships… it is detrimental. Not a building block at all. In fact, it undermines relationships. Yet, we find ourselves caught in triangles all the time. Or more accurately, we are caught in triangles all the time. We may not find ourselves, though, unless we know what to look for. During the last couple of weeks, I have bee...
Dec 16, 2020•20 min•Ep. 380
Many times, in the midst of trying to save a marriage, the anxiety and fears can lock you up, overwhelmed with what to do next. When that happens, the outcome is often a lack of change, motivation, or action. And things continue in the downward spiral. So today, I want to invite you to use your imagination -- a little Jedi mind trick. Imagine that you DID save your marriage. You HAVE created a loving, supportive, respectful marriage. You look forward to spending time together. Your issues resolv...
Dec 09, 2020•35 min•Ep. 379
