Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it? Your "created past." What is that? We all do it. We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us. When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected, they remember connection. When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection. We rewrite the past, based on the present situation. Usually, we just think about how th...
Dec 02, 2020•18 min•Ep. 378
You were probably very happy when you got married. You believed the happiness would always be there. And now, your spouse is saying, “I’m not happy.” Embedded in that seems to be some idea that you are the cause of it. That you failed at keeping your spouse happy. No surprise. Many people fall for this lie. They don’t know it is a lie. They believe it. That a spouse should make you happy. Somehow, it is in the job description for a spouse. They should make you happy. There is only one (little) p...
Nov 25, 2020•20 min•Ep. 377
Equal partnership. That is what a marriage is about, when it is healthy. Right? Right?? Nope. Just another marriage lie. Oh, not on purpose! Nope, these marriage lies are not intentional. Just not true. Unfortunately, as people repeat them, they believe them. And those beliefs have consequence. They can eat away at the foundations of a marriage, simply because the lie is believed. So, actions are taken on a false belief. For example, with this lie… if you believe that marriage is 50/50, an equal...
Nov 18, 2020•29 min•Ep. 376
If you find yourself arguing and in conflict, that is an indication that something is wrong with your marriage, right? Right? No. Not at all. But it may be that your conflict resolution is a problem. Just one that can be improved. Unless, of course, you believe this lie and decide that nothing can be done because… you know… conflict. That is the danger of this particular lie. It causes people to give up, since there is conflict, rather than working through. I don’t meet too many people that like...
Nov 11, 2020•22 min•Ep. 375
A spouse should complete you… right? Your emotional needs, companion needs, physical needs… if your spouse is meeting them, then that is the right spouse… right? And therefore, if your spouse isn’t meeting your needs… wrong person… right? Wrong. In the last episode of the podcast, I tackled the first lie of marriage, “If it’s work, it’s wrong.” In this episode, we tackle another lie, the “Meet My Needs” lie that measures whether your marriage and your spouse are right, based on them meeting your...
Nov 04, 2020•26 min•Ep. 374
“I give up,” he said, throwing up his arms. He was ready to leave the session. But before he walked out, I asked, “Can you tell me what just happened? Why are you giving up?" He told me, “Look, we have struggled during this marriage. Not just now. Other times. I just believe that if you are struggling in a marriage… if things aren’t just moving forward… it isn’t meant to be. It’s wrong.” And he turned to leave. I responded, “Well, that’s a big fat lie you are believing!" He stopped, looked back ...
Oct 28, 2020•21 min•Ep. 373
Your plan to save your marriage has hit a wall. Maybe things were moving forward, or maybe they have been stalled from the beginning. But your plan? It hit the wall. First, let me assure you that this is not unusual. In fact, it is typical. Most plans hit a wall before success. Second, let me assure you that this does not mean you have failed, that your marriage has failed. But let me warn you, when people hit the wall, many give up and walk away. Many throw away their plan, their hopes, and the...
Oct 21, 2020•19 min•Ep. 372
No, a toddler didn’t take to pounding on my keyboard. And no, my new puppy didn’t paw my keyboard… well, at least on for the title. Yep, I meant it: DWYADAYGWYAG. But to back up, have you ever noticed how we get stuck in repeating patterns? Many simply serve to keep us stuck in life. Not moving ahead. Stuck. But alive! And that is what the brain registers. Sure, maybe what happened yesterday was not exciting. Maybe what you and I did yesterday, to make it through the day, was not exciting. But w...
Oct 14, 2020•33 min•Ep. 371
A podcast listener (accurately) noted that I don’t talk too much about love. The listener wanted to just get back to the love they had shared at one time, and wanted to know how to fall back in love. I responded with, “What do you mean by ‘love’?” The response started with “I don’t know,” and continued with “but how do we fall back in love?" And there is the root of the problem. We have been struggling to define and describe what love even is for centuries, if not millennia. And we are still try...
Oct 07, 2020•29 min•Ep. 370
“I’ll try,” my client said in response to multiple suggestions about actions to take. But each week, the “try” never happened. Just a couple of days ago, I got the same response to another suggestion. Before that, I had a client who had been “trying” to write the Apology Letter… but not a single word had made it to the page. There is no such action as “try.” You can do something or not do something. But as Yoda reminds us, “there is no try." Each morning, I get up early and work on a book or wri...
Sep 30, 2020•22 min•Ep. 369
Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right? Yes, your marriage is in crisis. But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage. Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance. Not less. It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off. More insistence that nothing can be done. That the marriage is beyond repair. And that the o...
Sep 23, 2020•29 min•Ep. 368
Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on? And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!) You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing. And you are even worse off than before! Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it. So, you start gathering your info...
Sep 16, 2020•26 min•Ep. 367
“It’s your choice,” I reassured her. It was a call I picked up between sessions. The person told me she had been following my System, but wasn’t sure if she could keep it up. She wasn’t sure if it mattered, so she was thinking about quitting. She wanted to know what I thought…. I didn’t need to convince her either way. It really was her choice. Should she walk away or should she keep working on it? Only she could answer. My concern was what seemed to be fueling her decision. She was discouraged....
Sep 08, 2020•30 min•Ep. 366
Many a marriage crisis emerges when a spouse declares, “I’m not happy.” It is really a statement about discontent with the relationship. But many respond by assuming they now know what they need to do: make their spouse happy. Which sets in motion an impossible task: making another human happy. Why won’t it work? Why can’t you make your spouse happy? Because a) it isn’t your responsibility, and b) it isn’t in your control. In this week’s Save The Marriage Podcast episode, I dive in on why your e...
Sep 02, 2020•21 min
Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it. Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game. Or even a trick for a better pancake. A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick. Nothing wrong with asking. But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick. You need an approach. You need a system.” But you also need a starting point, a way to get be...
Aug 26, 2020•23 min•Ep. 364
“How hard is it to save my marriage?” the email started. The writer wanted my opinion on whether my System would work. There was a problem, though. The problem was… I had no details about her marital problems. I didn’t know what she was facing. When I was a kid, the rubik’s cube came out. There was this book that promised to solve the cube, no matter how bad the cube was arranged. I just kept trying to turn and twist the cube to find a solution. My neighbor friend got the book. My neighbor follo...
Aug 19, 2020•27 min•Ep. 363
"What’s love got to do with it??" "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what that means to me!” Tina Turner calls for love, and Aretha Franklin calls out for respect. But what is the connection between love and respect? Emerson Eggerichs is the author of the book, Love and Respect. As you can tell from the title, Emerson is addressing just that issue. In his work with couples, Eggerichs kept noticing the cries for respect by men and the cries for love by women. He realized that while we all need love and res...
Aug 12, 2020•57 min•Ep. 362
Your ancestors, way, way back, survived because they were more fearful than their peers. Because of their fear, they survived, while the less fearful fell to threats. Over time, this means that we naturally inherited overly-developed fear responses. It doesn’t take much to trigger fear and anxiety. Your heart races, your breathing quickens, your voice tightens, and your muscles flex, waiting for the fight or the flight. Waiting to take on the threat or get away from the threat. That’s an importa...
Aug 05, 2020•54 min•Ep. 361
Why did you fall in love with your spouse? Why do people fall in love with the person they fall in love? And perhaps even more importantly for our time together, why do those same relationships cause such pain? How can love turn painful and hurtful? Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt have been on the forefront of helping hurting marriages for decades. In 1988, their seminal book, Getting The Love You Want, came out to great acclaim. It was an international best-seller. In that book (now revised), H...
Jul 29, 2020•57 min•Ep. 360
I just googled, “how to save your marriage.” There were 607,000,000. Over 1/2 a billion results! How do you sort through them? How do you find a real approach, from someone who knows what they are doing? It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack. And the problem is, some approaches do more harm than good. And many times, you don’t even know who it is that is giving you the information. What are their qualifications? How do they even approach it? I started my website in 1999 (THAT makes me fee...
Jul 22, 2020•23 min•Ep. 359
