Hello everybody, and welcome back to the Psychology of Your Twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody, Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, Wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here. Back for another episode as we, of course break down the psychology of our twenties. Today, I have a little bit of a different episode for you guys, one that
is quite vulnerable. It has been a while since I have given you guys a mental health update, and if you have been with me for this whole journey since the beginning of the show, you'll know that when I first started, I spoke super openly about my own mental health.
This is, of course, a psychology podcast. Psychology is in the name, and I don't think that it comes as a surprise that, you know, being so passionate about this stuff does come from kind of personal experience, and since the beginning, I have not been shy about talking about my own mental health. You know, I did an episode
on my own experiences with antidepressants. You know, maybe a couple of years ago now, and you know, it feels really personal to come online, come into your ears, I guess, and talk incredibly candidly about something that we are often very private about. And sometimes I think it's over sharing. Sometimes I wish that, you know, I hadn't spoken about it earlier in my career or when I first started
this podcast. But then there are other times when I hear other people having these conversations about their struggles anxiety and with depression and with whatever they're going through, and
it really helps me. It really helps me to see these people that I admire, whose work I love, who I just respect, kind of let us peek behind the curtain and show me and show the audiences that life is not perfect, and that no matter what their kind of online persona is, no matter what they're talking about, the advice they're giving, what they're showing, they have their
own stuff. Each of us has their own stuff. And you know, I think that it's seeing the benefit that has for me that makes me want to talk about it more. And I kind of had this realization the other day that if we all kind of wait for other people to reduce the stigma, nobody is ever going to say anything, and nobody is ever going to speak up because there will never be an example set. There will never be somebody to base our experiences off, or to base the acceptance that we will receive from our
experiences off. So that's kind of what I wanted to do today, just to sit down with you guys and just give you an update about how I'm going about what's been happening in my life, what's been impacting and influencing my mental health, what's been working. I really want to bring that kind of positive aspect to things. What's actually been working? And what is my deal with medication? Am I still taking my antidepressants? The answer is no, and I want to kind of just explore why that
was the right decision for me. And I do want to say very quickly, this is once again an incredibly personal episode. It's about my life and my experiences. Please do not take anything that I say in this episode as I guess advice for you. You know, maybe it is helpful hearing my story, It doesn't necessarily mean that what I'm doing might be what you need to do or not do, or that my journey is going to be
identical to yours. You know, whether you are early on in your mental health journey, whether you are a long way in like me, whether you know you're just listening because you care, or because you have a friend or a family member who's going through this. I think it's just about having a sense of community around what is such a highly prevalent experience in our twenties and beyond. So to kind of catch you guys up, which sounds so weird to say, but yeah, to catch you guys up.
I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for a very long time, since I was I don't know, sixteen years old, and you know, that was almost a decade ago, so I've definitely been around the block with it. And I think a unique part about my experience personally was that I had a lot of shame for a long time around the fact that I didn't look depressed right that, you know, I was still able to be very high functioning. I was still able to go to university and do
really well. I was still able to work full time. I was still able to run this podcast and run a business, and run my life and have very fruitful relationships.
And for a while I just kind of felt like because I had developed such routine coping mechanisms, that meant that I could kind of, you know, live this life where it looked like nothing was wrong, and then I was always happy and everything was going really great, that maybe if I kind of just stopped talking about it, that would be reality, or kind of on the other side of the coin, that I didn't have a right to talk about it because people kind of had it worse.
And I think those thoughts often came to me when everything was going really, really well. And that is the thing about life. Yes, bad days are promised, but good
days are also promised. That is what we don't remember is that on this like mental health roller coaster, which is what I like to call it, there is kind of this weird spectrum between almost forgetting about it sometimes forgetting about you know, the dark thoughts, forgetting about not wanting to get out of bed, forgetting about the crippling anxiety when you can, and then like the worst days of your life, Like it feels like the kind of sliding,
like the slide or the distance between those two extremes of mental health. It can switch between them almost overnight, and it's the days in between when you do feel kind of normal, that go by the quickest. And I would say a few months ago, when I was, you know, riding this said roller coaster, I felt very much like I was going down, like I was getting to the point of really pushing myself kind of into a cave,
kind of into a dark space. And the way that I kind of knew that that was happening was I it was becoming incredibly detached from reality. And I know that sounds really really scary, but I think that it's just something that I'm used to in a sense, and yes, it is still terrifying, but I feel like, because it's happened so many times, because I can see it as the beginning of a downhill for me, that I've become
quite neutral about the experience. And when I say becoming detached from reality, I don't mean psychosis, I don't mean hallucinations. I mean that it feels like there is this foggy wall between me and everything going on in my life. That means my relationship, that means my friendships, that means with my work, with my family, with my experiences. It feels like it feels like if somebody said to me,
this is a dream. This isn't real. It wouldn't take that much convincing for me to agree with them and for me to be like, oh, yeah, you're totally right, I'm dreaming right now. Like there's something about this that
feels off. The other sign to me that I think my mental health is getting worse is that I become very existential and big questions like ideas around death, like the ideas around purpose, become very very scary, and when they pop into my mind, as you know trains of thought often do, it just feels like as soon as they're there, they are the only thing that I can think about, and that they take up the whole space
and I cannot escape them. This is often, you know, I say it as if it's like a very instantaneous thing in that one moment, I'm not thinking about it. The next moment I am.
No.
It's often like certain things in my environment that will really trigger this for me, certain movies, certain songs, just like certain conversations, and I've become hyper aware of and hyper focused on avoiding those triggers on like avoiding, for example, the Truman Show. That is a movie that I just know that I can't watch when like my mental health is going really poorly, uh, because I will it's very easy to like be like is that real? Is that true?
Like is that what's happening to me? So it's kind of like the best way I can describe it is that the film and the layer between reality and fiction
or fear becomes quite thin. And if you're somebody who has a similar experience to me, if you're somebody who has struggled with good days and bad days when it comes to their mental health, you will know that once you've kind of been to the other side of that divide, once you have like lived in that I don't know, like that world of just like chaos and fear and just like disassociation, you realize how quickly and how easily it is for you to pass over to that side
of things. And so it can become very difficult to live life and to feel present because you are kind of in like this survival mode where you are there's some part of your brain that is just beating back fear and just beating back those dark thoughts and beating back all those intrusive feelings and ideas that just kind of threatened to bubble up. So yes, sorry, that was
a very intense tangent. But a couple months ago I really noticed that that was kind of taking hold, and there was a few things that really triggered it for me. It's often I often think that I'm somebody who is very good at managing stress, and I am not. I don't know how I've convinced myself. Like I went to the doctor the other day, the doctor the other day, and they were like, have you had any like moments
of stress? And I was like, no, not really. You know, I just like finished a book and I just like moved and you know, I just like moved by into a house by myself, and like, yeah, like all these big life changes have happened in the past year. But no, I'm not stressed. And the thing is is that I am good at processing stress because I'm good at making it invisible to myself. I am good at making it a non problem. But that doesn't mean that it doesn't
go away. I think stress is a lot like energy, where it can never like unless you fully sit with it and let it live out its path. It does not disappear. It just moves to somewhere else in your life or somewhere else in your body. So I was super overwhelmed with that. I was definitely burnt out. And I mentioned I've already told you guys this that I finished my book and it's not coming out for a while. But what essentially happened was I finished the book, I
got immediately sick, like for four weeks. I had tonsilidis for four weeks, ridiculous. And then I experienced just this like deep sense of sadness and that's the only way I can describe it. And I was looking into it. I'm very you know, because I was curious. I was like, you know, it's funny that this is. You know, my job is to like think about the psychology of your twenties, but I actually also do a lot of it in
my own life and a lot of investigation. And I came across this idea of gold medal syndrome, which seems very timely considering the Olympics are just about to start. Very excited for that. But a side note, sidebar, there is this concept of gold medal syndrome that's very common
amongst like Olympic athletes. That's where it came from. Where there are these people who spend a great deal of time, sometimes their whole lives, wanting to be the best or wanting to finish something, wanting to win that gold medal. That is like the focus of every moment of their waking hours, every day of their life. Everything they eat, everything they do, is directed towards this one goal, and when they achieve it, they realize that it is quite empty.
And not only isn't quite empty, but if everything in your life has been towards a destination, life seemingly kind of ends at that point. You never think about after, you never think about you know what comes next. And I'm definitely not comparing my situation to literally being the best athlete in the world, but it was very much like, Okay, this is what I've always wanted, Like this is the
opportunity of a lifetime. I'm just going to put my head down and I'm just going to work towards this goal. And when I'm done, that's it. Like what's next? When you're done?
What?
And it's I was speaking to my friend Alex about this the other day, and I was saying, when you are somebody who has puts a lot of pressure on themselves, who has high functioning anxiety. It's very difficult to ever be satisfied with what you have accomplished or done so far. And so I finished the book, I got sick, and then the fear kind of started up again of like Okay, what's next, but also like was that even good? Like what's my life without a project? What is my life
without something to keep my mind preoccupied? And I think that that is what it is at the end of the day. It is needing something to keep my brain focused. It's like when you put an iPad in front of a kid so that they don't like have a look at the world and like cry over it. That's what I was doing with all of these projects. I was putting an iPad in front of me. That's what it was.
And so yeah, I kind of just ended up pushing myself a little bit too hard and really ending up in a little bit of a ditch on the side of the road for a couple of for a month, for a month or so a couple of months. And this kind of also coincided with a decision to go off my medicaid. So I've been on antidepressants for I think around three and a half years and when I went on them, I was in a really bad space.
I was super low. I had been in hospital. I don't think I've ever said that before, but I was just I was not well. I was really, really sick, and I had reached like a crisis point. I went to my doctorate. You know, there was a lot of discussions happening around that time, and like one of the first lines of defense I think against moments like that
is they put you on medication. And at the time, I was so like looking for any solution to like the chaos in my brain that I was like, this will this will have to do, this is what I need. Just give me it. Just give me an answer, give me an antidote. I spoke about this in my episode on antidepressants. But when I first went on them, it was awful. I will be completely transparent. It was awful because of like the physical reaction that my body and my brain had to them. Because I was on SSRIs,
which is selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. Essentially, what those are meant to do is mean that there is more serotonin available for your neurotrends, for your neurons to essentially use, so you know, if sadness depression is caused by a lack of serotonin, if we make more of it available by preventing our synapses from taking it back, meaning that there's more in that space, then the sadness is gone. Right. It really takes a biological approach to our mental health.
The thing about that, though, is that if it's the case that your brain does not have enough serotonin, providing it with more, making more serotonin available to it is going to have some other reactions. And what I found was that I was just dizzy all the time. I what was another thing. I was tired, constantly tired. I would wake up and by like eleven am, I just could not keep my eyes open. I was fuzzy, I was nauseous. After like around two months, I would say
that kind of went away. And that was three and a half years ago, and since then it has been a daily thing that I do. I take my medication, and I haven't really thought anything of it. I definitely did experience some emotional numbness at the beginning, but the further along I got that kind of went away. I've always thought, is it because my emotions came back and rebalanced, or is it because I just got used to this
being the norm. You get too deep in the weeds with that question, you will never get your way out. But basically, I think the purpose that medications served for me because I think it is really important. I will say that I'll get to my decision to go off it in just a second, but I do think that it's really valuable and it does really help some people, and if it is something that is like offered to do your research, but definitely, like for me, it helped,
and it helped because it was a security net. Right. There are a bunch of like coping skills and strategies that I needed to learn that at that weren't going to help me without the security net, right like I needed. It's like practicing a new trick, Like I needed the safety of knowing that everything was kind of working in my brain and trying out these new tactics wouldn't be
like life or death. I couldn't fall, I couldn't fail, and so I got better at them, I built them up, and now it just feels like I've got the tricks. I don't need the safety net anymore. And I want to know. I want to know what life is like without this medication, having been on it for such a long time, knowing when I went on it that I would be on it for such a long time. I'm in a completely new chapter of my life now. When I went on them, I was, you know, still in Canberra.
I was still I was just finished Uni. I was, you know, in a different relationship. I had different friends, I had a different financial situation, I had a different job. Everything about me was very, very different. And I was also and I was just I was very vulnerable, and I was very and I'm going to say this word weak, and I'm not saying weak in the sense of like I was weak because i was struggling with my mental
health and I'm strong now. I was weak in that I had just been carrying this, this huge thing for so long, and I'd run out of strength, right, I'd run out of energy because of everything that was like accumulating in my life that was putting pressure on me. Now I have my I have my coping mechanisms. First of all, I know how to manage my anxiety. I went on my SSRIs for both anxiety and depression. I know how to ride the wave. I know how to manage it. I know how to calm myself down, I
know how to interrupt irrational and intrusive thoughts. I know what I need to implement when my mood starts to turn. And I also have a stable relationship with like the most amazing, supportive person. I have a job that brings me fulfillment. I have very safe and secure and loving friendships, which I don't necessarily think that I had back then. And this is the most important thing. I have peace. I have a real peace to my life. And oh my gosh, saying that makes me want to like knock
wood because I don't want that to go away. But I think when you're in your early twenties, right, everything is just so fucking chaotic. Everything is a mess, and there is drama, and there are friendship breakups, and there is upheaval, and there are transitions. And that has been the last three years and I feel like I've come out of the tunnel and I've just seen this whole new world and I don't need what I had before. I don't need the drugs. I don't need it. So
what has that been like going off it? So this is not meant obviously not medical advice, but a fact about weaning yourself off antidepressants is that if you stop cold turkey, you are going to suffer, like it is going to be hard. And having been on them for so long, it really was not recommended, Like it's not recommended to just be like, okay, like I'm doing amazing, I'm just gonna stop this right now with absolutely no health advice or like no expert opinion or no assistance.
So I wanted to taper off them. I wanted to kind of put in a plan, and I talked to my doctor about I was like, Okay, let's do this across like two to three months, and We're going to slowly lower my dosage, and then we're going to slowly lower what I'm taking until eventually, like one day, I just don't need it anymore, Like I just I stopped taking it all together, and yes, there will still be symptoms,
but they'll be lesser. Let me tell you, I do not know how I would have done this just going off all at once, because the thing, like the experiences that I've had, it's really made me realize that these drugs like do actually change something very like fundamental in your brain. I've been having like brain zaps and I don't know if you know what this is, but I'll be like going around my day and it would just be like somebody has just like sent a shock wave
through my brain to my fingertips. I have been feeling really really dizzy and like my vision has been really disturbed, and also really irritable, like super irritable, super short, unable to really like engage with people. That was kind of like the last week, the last couple of weeks, Like I'm over that hump now I can see things really like changing for the better. But it takes a toll
on your relationships and those around you as well. And it took a toll on kind of work and on like passion and like my hobbies because it just felt like, Okay, I'm having to adjust to this new way of going about things, and I have to adjust to essentially what is a.
Withdrawal, A withdrawal from something that I can acknowledge held me up for many, many years.
So that's kind of been where I'm at with that whole experience. It's been three and a half years. I'm going off my antidepressants. I'm going off my other medications as well, not yet but in the next couple of months, it's a slow process and I feel like I've been complaining. I'm actually feeling really really good about things. I'm feeling really really good about things. And the reason why is because I spoke about that kind of hard period I was having a few like a month back, a few
months back, Oh my gosh, my Timelin's or Wold. Earlier this year, I spoke about how I was having that hard time after the book when I got sick, and I just feel like it was hard, it was difficult, I was sad, I was losing touch. But I got through it, and I got through it in a way that I think I would not have been able to do before, and it made me realize that I was ready. So these are some of the other things that have
been like really really helping me. And I know some of them will sound cliche, but it's like an army of tools, right. It's not just like one tactic is going to fight all the battles for me. It is layered. I think having that foundational support system is amazing and like real shout out to my partner. He is the most beautiful, wonderful person, and like I don't know what I would do without him, And yeah, it's just like a crazy experience to have that kind of healthy, sustaining love.
That's just like it's just like a big, warm hug, like you're going to get through anything that you're getting through. And you know, it's so different from what it was like when I really first started acknowledging these problems, when I didn't have that and the person I was with was, you know, probably contributing rather than helping. So that's a big thing. But the other thing is I've been doing this thing that a friend taught me called my smile file.
I get really kind of held up in the details of life, particularly like obsessing and ruminating over negative things. And I think that if you're somebody with depression or if you're going through a depressive episode, that is a huge component of it. It's not just like, you know, it's not that an uneven number of bad things happened
to people with depression versus people who don't have depression. Sometimes, of course, there are triggering factors and triggering experience answers, but it's not like the world hates people with depression more. It's not like the universe or God is giving them
more experiences. Is that we It's that I found that I just tend to focus on those bad things a lot more, and it just feels a lot heavier, and it feels like I can see my friends be like, oh, yeah, this shit thing happened, and like I can move past it, and for me, it's like, no, I can't. So what I've been doing to counteract that is called a smile file. So anytime something good happens, anytime I get like a lovely message from one of you guys, you guys are
the best, Like I take a screenshot of it. I take a photo of something beautiful that I've seen, and I put it in a folder so that when I'm sitting on my couch at the end of the night and maybe just feeling really terrible, there is this immediate space I can go to that is just everything positive in my life, and it's grounding. It's really grounding to have like the reality that I live a good life
presented to me right there. The other thing that I think was one of the I don't think I know this was one of the things I really worked on the last three years, was like reworking my negative beliefs and learning that how I perceive those negative thoughts is a choice. Those negative experiences are always going to be there.
Bad things are always going to happen. Bad thoughts might always happen, but how I think about them is going to determine what I do with those things and whether And please do not misconstrue my words and think that I'm saying like you can choose to be happy or you can choose to be sad. Absolutely not. It's that I can choose to think about them in a way that is constructive or unproductive. Let me give you an example. And we've been vulnerable so far, let's go even deeper.
And other component of this is that I have been struggling at times with like resentment towards my friendships and feeling like, you know, there are certain relationships that perhaps I've outgrown and that there is you know, there is an inequality there and perhaps the love that I give them and the love that I'm receiving back. It's just I think it's just part of life. You know, You're not always going to be on the same page as
certain people. And there was definitely like a point where I realized that perhaps I was giving a little bit too much to people who didn't they didn't deserve it. Everybody is deserving of all the love that you can give them, but that maybe that love was should be reserved for people who were willing to reciprocate the fact that I make plans, who were willing to support me as you know, as a business, as a creator, as
a person. You know, when I did cool stuff, they were willing to be like, that's cool, and they were willing to get out and support it. And so there was definitely a bit of resentment. And I'll admit that we're doing an episode on that soon, navigating resentment. And I think previously I would have been like, Wow, I'm so angry at my friend because they really didn't show up for me. And why didn't they show up for me?
Probably because I'm a bad person, probably because I did something that like upset them, probably because you know, I don't deserve love, and probably because I'm doomed to be lonely. You can see the thought spiral, right, It's like second
nature to spiral. And the trick is for me was to be like, all right, what's that first negative thought that's going to stet off the chain reaction like I am not worthy of love or you know, I've done something wrong, I'm a bad person, and just look at that thought and be completely and entirely rational about it. What evidence is there for that being the case? Where
did I think? Where did I pick up on this fact that, you know, the fact that my friend isn't supporting me or showing up for me means that I'm a bad person? Is that actually the only explanation and the best explanation. And then it's also you know, even going a step back and being like, Okay, yeah, I really resent my friend for you know, I feel like
they don't care about me. And instead of being like that says everything about me and that's going to ruin my day and ruin my life and completely turn you know, everything to shit, it's like, Okay, I'm going to accept that and be neutral about it, and all I'm gonna do is change my expectations and just change my opinion towards the situation. Yeah, it's not fun, it's not great, and that's it. There is nothing more to it than that. The situation is contained. The situation is just the situation.
It's not my life so that has been something that's been really really helpful, and obviously, like it's a lot more complicated than that. It was a whole process of like cognitive behavioral therapy that I absolutely recommend, but then there are also behavioral changes. I hate to be cliche, but I've been exercising a lot, and gosh, if it is not true that it does make you feel better. It's not a cure. It's definitely not a cure. But again it's a strategy. It's a strategy for releasing a
lot of pent up anxiety. And for me, actually what really helped was when I was first, like you know, when everything first started happening, I was having a lot of panic attacks. And when I first started getting that racing heart those symptoms, that was really scary and I felt like as soon as my heart rate was up, as soon as like my blood was running, I was
going to have a panic attack. And what exercise really helped me realize was that I can activate that same physiological state myself and the worst case scenario doesn't happen, and I can actually get myself back down. I can you know, get my heart rate down, I can calm myself down, I can cool myself down, So that was also a component. It wasn't just the physical endorphins. It was the mental exercise and the mental control that exercise gave me. And I also have kind of turned down
drinking a lot. Drinking for me, and I've spoken about this before, has definitely been a bit of a mental and psychological crutch because it does really slow everything down. It is a depressant. That's like, that's the kind of drug it is. Alcohol is is a drug, and it's a depressant. So when I was super, super anxious, it would make me feel like a lot more in control.
It would make me feel like, you know, okay, well I can't be you know, those negative thoughts and those spirals about death and about the end of the world world and about my you know, lovability and lovability, about my you know, my worthiness and all those things. I can't think about that for that long when I've had like four glasses of wine, because I'm going to be on the next thing pretty soon. So it was definitely
a crutch. And although it reduces my anxiety in the moment, the next day I wake up and I am incredibly anxious and incredibly sad and incredibly down because that is the chemical reaction that alcohol is going to have on my brain, and so I just didn't want to be reliant on that anymore, and I didn't want it to be this yoyo coping mechanism that you know, reduced the mental tension one moment and then just like accelerated it the next. And it's been great. It's honestly been great.
I did an episode on this, I think at the start of the year that was like why we should quit drinking? Should you quit drinking in your twenties? And it's not that like alcohol has no place in my life at all. I never drink. I do still drink, but what I've been doing is choosing like one day a week that I get to drink. And it's not like I'm going to go out and binge drink on
that day. But it's about really repositioning alcohol as like a celebration or like, yes, it is a part of my life, but it's a special part of my life. It's like something that I'll only do if I'm going out for like a really fun dinner with a friend, or like date night with my boyfriend, or my mom's in town or a birthday instead of it, you know, being something that I'm like, oh, should I have a drink when I'm home alone? Like, I just don't do that anymore because if I only have one day to drink,
I want to use that day the best that I can. So, yeah, those have been my strategies. Those have been the things that I've been changing, and also just working with a therapist, just working on like, you know, being somebody who is responsible having a good life. And I know that sounds
really intense. Maybe I don't know what you're by my I don't know I'm thinking about what you're thinking about my words, which is strange, But I just I just want to feel like I'm in control of creating a good life for myself, and the only way that I can prove that to myself is by actually doing it and by actually making things better for me. Whether that is exercising, whether that is not drinking, whether that is prioritizing good, loving, sustainable, and just like fulfilling friendship over
temporary associations. You know, that is a choice. And I think when it comes to your mental health, there is so much that you don't get to control that the things that you do get to control feel really really important and feel really really significant, and I just want to take as much of that as I can and to have as much agency as I can. And you know, I just feel like I'm doing a lot better and maybe maybe that will change, maybe the roller coaster will
suddenly turn a corner, but I feel prepared. And it's kind of emotional to say that, because I just feel like, for a long time, I've always felt that I was just kind of strapped in and whatever life wanted to throw me, with whatever my you know, mental health wanted to throw me, I just had to like bear it. And I just feel like I'm bigger and I'm stronger now and I have my strength back, and I have a say, and I have things to do and things too, Like I kind of have a voice and I can
kind of yell back at it a little bit. So I hope that has maybe resonated with you. I hope that this has kind of helped you. I don't know what you're going through. It might not be the same as me. You might not relate, but maybe there is somebody who does. And I just wanted to kind of share that it was really bad once it's better now and it might get bad again, but it's going to be okay. And that I'm you know, I lived through it and I'm doing so much better and I'm really happy.
And that is that. That is really the mental health update for you, guys. So thank you for making it this far, thank you for listening, and yeah, thank you for just being there. Thank you for giving me my dream job. Gosh, this is a sappy episode, but you know what, sometimes you just got to do it. Sometimes it can't be all scientific. We gotta bee, we've got to be in our fields a little bit. We've got to be really pulling the curtain back on like the
twenty something life. So if you did enjoy this episode, please feel free to leave a five star review on
Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you are listening right now. Make sure that you are following along for the new episodes, happier episodes, more informative episodes, and if you have an episode's suggestion, if you want me to talk about this more, if you want me to talk about this less, if you have something that you're going through that you want to know the psychology behind, please feel free to DM
me at that psychology podcast. Make sure you're following us over there, and we will be back on Friday for another episode. Until then, be safe, be kind and be gentle to yourself, and we will talk soon. One