187. The psychology of the 'friendzone'

end too. And I'm not just talking about like shallow surface level advice, but some serious kind of like psychological understanding in order to move past what we're going through, the kind of you know, situations that keep us up at night, that keep us in a thought spiral, that become the center of our world for a while, even

if it doesn't seem that important to anybody else. And today is this kind of episode I want to talk about an experience that I've been getting so many requests on, and that is the experience of developing feelings for a friend and kind of what goes through our heads, our subconscious mind, our bodies when we find ourselves kind of suddenly having this like romantic tension or feeling for someone

that we've only ever thought about platonically. It's really fascinating to me when this happens, right because often we have our friends and we have the people that we are romantically interested in, and it feels a bit like taboo, feels a bit strange for there to be like a

crossover there. And there are so many instances when everything just seems to like kind of take on a new light, right, Like you can't stop thinking about them, you can't stop chasing after them, you start can't stop like talking about them and to them, you start imagining a future together. And this is somebody who has always been firmly planted

in like the platonic category of your mind. And I think that it can be very very strange, and we have this kind of weird tension between suppressing our feelings and protecting the friendship, kind of suffering without unrequited love in silence and just kind of hoping it will go away or saying something and seeing if there is a potential there for a relationship. And within that, we start to have a lot of fears and a lot of doubts and a lot of worries, Right like, what if

we ruin the friendship? What about all the other relation relationships or connections that exist around this friendship. Are we going to be permanently kind of stuck in this kind of quote unquote friend zone. Are we going to experience rejection? There is a lot to explore today and unsurprisingly a lot of psychology and science to explain this experience, one that feels so personal and vulnerable and unique, but is actually a lot more common. So let's talk about it.

We're going to talk about why it is that we fall for our friends seemingly more often than you would think, and what we can do about it, What is kind of the path forward through this maze of feelings. So let's get into it. As I said, falling for a friend is actually not that uncommon. You can breathe a bit of a sigh of relief if you're finding yourself in this situation knowing that you are probably not the

only one. I think it's one of those classic like romantic tropes, you know, like the meet cutes, the enemies to lovers, forbidden love, childhood sweethearts, falling in love with a friend. A lot of people find love and find connection with those who they initially viewed quite platonically. Even in the world of dating apps and online connections, friendship remains one of those core ways of I guess discovering

our partner. So back in twenty twenty one, a research team at the University of Victoria in Australia, they actually sought to investigate this well. They were noticing that a lot of couples were having the same story like, oh, we were friends first and then you know, one day I just saw them differently. And when you are constantly seeing a particular trend in something like relationship patterns or the way that relationship forms, I think it's worth investigating.

And so they talked to over two thousand, five hundred people who were married or in de facto partner, and they questioned them separately and then they questioned them together. And what they found was it approximately two thirds of these couples started off as friends before they became romantically involved.

Two thirds. Now, that does sound like a lot, but you have to remember this also includes people from older generations, and it isn't just referring to the number of people that we date, right, it's talking about the number of like who we end up with. So you could be dating heaps of people who you meet on dating apps, heaps of people who I don't know, you met through work or whatever. But the people who we end up together two thirds of them, the study said we were

initially friends with. What's even more interesting is that they looked at how long it took for a friendship to turn romantic in these situations, and they found that the average length of time was about twenty two months. It's almost two years of people going about their days been nice and chummy and pals and friendly before kind of like something's switched to something flipped in one of their minds.

So about sixty eight percent of these participants reported that their most recent relationship as well before this relationship also began as a friendship. And this was regardless of gender, age, education levels, or ethnicity. It's showing that I think that really accounts for the people that we date and do

not marry. It's less than the two thirds, but it's still quite significant that we are finding connection through friendship, and that rate of a friend's first initiation was even higher amongst twenty somethings like you and I. I'm assuming and within LGBTQIA plus communities, with eighty five percent of couples in this community saying that their romance began as

a friendship. This number is so prizing, but I think less so when we think about the principles of attraction and what actually drives our romantic choices and our romantic interest in someone, it really comes down to three factors. Proximity, similarity, and reciprocity. These are the factors that really determine the start of a friendship, but they also determine the start of a relationship. They underline all forms of attraction, So

let's break these down. I think sometimes it feels a bit strange to like analyze something as beautiful and magical as love through a scientific or an experimental lens. But a lot of our dating choices do come down to our internal psychology. So in research Conductor back in the late nineties, this group of scientists kind of noticed that we are more likely to like someone and express admiration and respect for them if we perceive that they are

similar to us. So it's the age old saying that kind of like birds of a feather flock together, and it seems scientifically quite true. If someone shares similar values to us, similar interests, beliefs, hobbies, even educational background, the same kind of cultural family upbringing, we are more likely to fall for them because it gives us more touch points or opportunities for connection, gives us more conversation topics,

and therefore more opportunities for vulnerability and eventually attraction. This is simply known as the similarity attraction effect. We like people who are like us because they feel safe, they feel comfortable, they feel familiar, and there are fewer kind of opportunities for tension i guess or friction or misunderstanding or having to explain ourselves because this person is so

alike or similar to us. It goes without saying that we don't just choose our romantic partners based on simi larity, but also our friendships and so the people that we inevitably become close to in a platonic capacity. Therefore, kind of have the greatest opportunity to be our best kind of romantic candidates. Right, Because if the primary principle behind attraction is similarity, who is more similar to us than the people that we hang out with all the time.

Who is someone that we already know that we like and who likes us back. It's our friends, And that's why developing feelings for a friend is not as uncommon as we think. Now. The other principle comes down to proximity. Right. To put it plainly, we are more likely to develop romantic feelings for someone we see frequently and who we are physically or geographically close to. I know this sounds

so obvious, right, we don't. It's kind of impossible to develop true attraction to someone we've never met and we've never talked to. But it's deeper than just having the opportunity for feelings to develop through proximity. It seems that just being around someone or being repeatedly exposed to them increases the likelihood that we will be attracted to them.

We also tend to feel safe with people that we see regularly, and so it's likely that a lot of love kind of comes down to the mere exposure effect. So this is a concept that was introduced in the sixties by this I kind of remember his name. Oh yeah, doctor Robert zajohnyk Zijohn. I'll leave it in the description. But he did a lot of work on, once again, the principles of attraction, and it's kind of like quite

a reductionist theory, but he basically stipulated. He suggested that anyone can fall in love with somebody else if they're around them enough. And once again, who are we around the most? Our friends? We have a lot of opportunities to make memories with these people. People we feel very familiar with their inner workings, their dreams, their quirks, their ideals, the long conversations that we have, the laughter, all of

which are special parts of a relationship. But they also form a bond, a bond that makes someone a great candidate for romance if everything else kind of goes according to plan. This is more likely to be the case when we imagine or we feel like the other person is returning our interests. This is known as reciprocal liking. At first that maybe in the form of friendship, right, like, oh, I want to be friends with somebody who genuine shows

like interest in me and likes me back. But as the bond grows, because they are giving back that energy and investment that we're giving them, sometimes our perception can change, and so does our interpretation of their actions. It's not just they want to hang out with us because they enjoy our company. Start to apply a deeper meaning to every little moment and decision and action. You know they want to hang out with us. It's not just because

they're our friend. It's because there's something else going on, right, and so reciprocity is one of those core principles of attraction. When we are looking for a mate or someone in love, we want someone who likes us back, obviously, and sometimes we confuse the liking as a friend as a liking in a romantic sense. All of this kind of creates the recipe for developing feelings for someone that we are friends with. We know we already have admiration and respect

to them, otherwise they wouldn't be our friend. We know that we are similar because we are close, that they are familiar, and you know, proximal and obviously there is reciprocity, other as the friendship wouldn't have developed in the first place. And so in short, we have fulfilled what a lot of psychologists call the conditions of love just by nature of being platonically. Now, a lot of what we've talked about that tends to shift liking to loving really rests

in personality similarities. But we're also forgetting about one final thing, and that is physical attraction, because that is a huge component of any romantic and intimate relationship. And I think it's one of the main reasons why we don't just end up dating all of our friends, right, Like, maybe you don't have that kind of sexual preference, Maybe you just don't see them in that way. We can't imagine

sleeping with them, they're not our type. But what about those situations where you've had like no kind of physical attraction for many years, You are firmly in the friend zone, you travel together, you sleep in the same bed, nothing, and then suddenly you start seeing things differently. It happens a lot, and I think the question that we often have is like, has this always been the case? Have I just been suppressing my true feelings in order to

protect the friendship. Maybe I thought I didn't have a shot, Or it's because we just genuinely didn't experience the physical spark that would make us romantically interested in someone until later. And what is it that changes, Well, let me explain. Each of us has a very unique set of preferences around what we would like physically in a partner, or at least what we know we would find appealing. So a new study has suggested that beauty attraction is very

much in the eye of the beholder. About fifty percent of our preferences come down to our life experiences. So even identical twins who have the same genetic blueprint, they typically have the same family environment and upbringing, they end up, you know, sometimes dating completely different people because it comes down to things like personal experiences, the media, we're exposed to, the people we meet, the things that we're interested in. You know, if you're a very active person, you may

like someone who's more lean. If you're obsessed with a particular actor or boy band, you might find your self having preferences that align with what these people look like. As silly as it sounds, and this also tends to

explain why our physical preferences change over time. If it comes down to personal experiences, those things obviously, you know, we have more of them as we get older, and so it kind of makes sense that our attraction that is derived from personal experiences changes as those experiences accumulate. Perhaps you have had an experience with someone else that

it shifts how you think about your friend. You have seen them in a new scenario, like on a trip together or at a wedding or at their job, and you just see them completely differently, or you're just like physical tastes change and you haven't seen them in a while, and since that time when you saw them last, they've started dressing differently, they've cut their hair. Suddenly they are exactly your type, and we have this like epiphany moment of like, oh my god, God, are they attractive? Am

I into them? When we do reach that moment, that kind of place of realization, you're probably going to enter it from the gateway of denial, right, especially if that is a really valuable and important friendship to you. No one likes to admit something that makes them vulnerable or could drastically change something about their life. It is shocking and it creates an emotional chaos we simply don't want

to deal with. So your denial of your true feelings when it comes to your friend kind of comes from

a place of self preservation. Even if everyone around you is claiming that they can tell you have feelings, that you have a crush, that something's changed, Admitting that to yourself and others means a giving people information about your personal feelings that might be quite revealing or leave you open to judgment or scrutiny, And b it requires you to either do something or just endure this kind of

possibility of unrequited love until it passes. But if you are regularly checking up on this person on social media, if you are finding that you can't stop thinking about them throughout the day, that you're experiencing a lot of jealousy when they talk about the people they are dating, or your territorial over their time, wondering why they aren't texting you back, always wanting to spend every day with them.

If you're changing your appearance when you're around them, I think that's a pretty good sign that something is shifted there. So what are you going to do about it? I think that's what I want to discuss next, right is like, why can this be so difficult to manage? What are the fears that we have to work through? And do we admit our feelings and potentially face not having them reciprocated or ending the friendship in the process, or do we just say nothing? Do we just see what happens?

So I want to talk about all of that and more after this short break. Developing feelings for a friend is never the most welcome news. Actually, I think it's a mixture of many emotions, right, feelings of possibility, the anxiety, the excitement of the what if, the general like euphoria and entertainment of having a crush. But we also find ourselves between a bit of a rock and a hard place.

What if things change and are never the same. How do we manage our sense of longing and our typical instinct to really imagine a future with this person whilst ensuring that we don't get ahead of ourselves doesn't blow up in our faces. We have a very keen sense of what we have to lose, and I think we also understand that it's going to be tricky to navigate. So in those situations where you have become aware of a crush, I guess you have two options. The first

option is that you can say nothing. This is the path of least resistance. If we say nothing, we don't have to face the possibility of rejection, of loss of the let's face it, the awkwardness that might come with them, you know, confirming that our feelings are one sided. There are a lot of considerations that go into managing our feelings for a friend, and it's not just about them.

It's also about of course wanting to protect like your own heart and your own self esteem, but also I think you really contemplate the network of relationships that you have built around this friendship. Admitting your feelings can create tension in a friendship group because people may start to treat us and other you know, the other person differently because of our obvious feelings or confession. It becomes a

topic of conversation. And then if you were to say something and they say, oh, no, thanks, you might find yourself too embarrassed to be around this larger group who kind of knows that this has happened. The possibility of this presents I think a unique type of loss known as social loss, the pain of losing connections as a result of some event. It can leave us feeling alienated, isolated, and worst of all, quite lonely. As a species. We

don't have a particularly good relationship with loneliness. We tend to villainize it, and therefore we seek any alternative, even if it means avoiding our true feelings and you know,

engaging in some good old fashioned suppression. But if there is I think one thing that psychology tells us about suppressing intense feelings or emotions, it's that they find a way to come out, whether that's through resentment towards your friend for not knowing about your feelings, frustration, poor concentration, needing to constantly seek advice and reassurance. I firmly believe that with most things like this, there will come a time when you will need an answer to bring you

some peace. You'll need to know whether there is a possibility of this being a thing. And I'm speaking from experience here. I remember having the biggest, all consuming crush on someone in my first year of university who was a good friend, and we were very enmeshed in this friend group together, and I'd formed it was really my lifeline at the time. This friend group was kind of the first big group of friends I had in you know,

my first early months of moving out of home. They were really important, and I spent basically the whole year pining after this person, having these small moments that felt enormous at the time, constantly wanting more and not knowing where we stood until I just had to come out and say it and get some answers, even though I kind of knew deep down that, you know, they weren't going to be the answers that I wanted. I think it was important and it was really strange for a while.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it, right, Like I remember a lot of those friends, like who I was previously friends with because of this person, went on like a trip together, and like I always felt that maybe if I hadn't made it awkward for people, I would have been invited, or that there we were kind of force to make a choice between the person who was really deep in their emotions and really struggling and the person who was like the happy one right and who wasn't

going to accords drama. And as someone who lived through that got through that, it ends up totally okay. It always works itself out, And I'm really glad that I said something. I'm really glad that even though intuitively I knew that he wasn't going to date me, that we

weren't going to have a future together. It was better than spending even more months, maybe even years, stuck in like fantasy and wishful thinking and kind of projecting this big fairy tale I had of him onto the version of him that didn't really exist, right like, I was only seeing the potential, and I think whilst it remained ambiguous, I could still indulge in the possibility of the what if.

But the what if wasn't getting me anywhere. It wasn't doing me any favors, It wasn't allowing me to move on. It certainly wasn't making me a good friend. And it was kind of a relief to hear and be like no, and then we moved forward. So saying nothing is one option. Let me present you with the obvious alternative one that I just talked about. I'm sure you've all considered. You can muster up the courage to sit this person down and say, hey, things have changed for me, have they

changed for you? And you can see what they come back. With a few caveats here, don't do this if they're in a relationship with someone else or fresh out of a relationship. I think that is just like a sign of disrespect to your friend, and it's not going to end well. I don't know why I felt they need to say that, but in case it wasn't obvious, you still need to respect, like have some level of decency

and not just prioritize your own feelings. But besides that, I think being honest about your emotions and being vulnerable it's not going to destroy you. It's actually probably going to bring you a lot of clarity and make you stronger. The best possible scenario is that they will reciprocate everything you're telling them. They will confess their love, They're down for exploring what this could be, and it grows great, you know, happily ever after baby's marriage, all the good things.

You're part of that two thirds of people who end up with a friend, And I think it's almost like a new chapter, right. You already know each other as friends, but then you have to get to know each other as romantic partners, and that may take some time adjusting because it is a whole new level of intimacy. So obviously a lot of honest conversations about your feelings and intentions.

Hopefully you're on the same page. I think even this can be scary, Even getting like the yes can be scary because what if it doesn't work out and you've lost both a good friend and a love interest and a partner. That is a particular kind of loss in there. I think that's a two in one breakup, which would just be so difficult. It might also not be completely smooth sailing right, Like you might sleep together once, be like, I don't know if that's working out, have a bit

more of a back and forth. You know, you both had feelings together. That is a whole different situation that I think it's so nuanced and difficult because then it's kind of like you have an answer. You know that this person likes you like them back, but maybe you're just not meant to work out, Like maybe you're just not meant to be together, And that is the conclusion

that you needed to know. At least you gave it to gave it a try, Like at least you're not left with the hypothetical, You're not left with the what if. The other scenario is that we are put in the friend zone.

interest in them in this way. I think it's a bit controversial because a lot of feminist writers and thinkers tend to think of it as like a concept to soothe male feelings of rejection, and it is kind of associated with this idea that men see friendship with women as offering some kind of sexual reward if they are

nice enough to them. But when we take away that gendered lens, I think the friend zone is really just an assertion of person and all boundaries around where people see the relationship relationship kind of existing in the grand scheme and spectrum of relationships. When we confess our feelings this is often this is an area that we don't want. I think it's the fear of rejection that is particularly scary in this situation. Rejection is painful on a social level,

but also on a physical and neurological level. The experience of being shut down or pushed away elicits the same kind of reactions we have in response to a physically painful stimuli, like a beasting or grazing our knee or breaking a bone. That's because it ignites the same areas of our brains that are responsible for interpreting and processing

physical pain. We want to avoid that pain. So when it occurs, when you've been brave, you've put yourself out there, and you've been met with a less than ideal answer, the first thing you are going to be feeling is regret, maybe embarrassment, and then probably most likely fear that we've said things we can't take back that are going to permeate and perhaps all to the friendship forever. That's the

risk we take in these situations. I think when someone doesn't reciprocate our feelings, it's essentially now an experience of unrequited love, the emotions, the romantic intimacy that only goes one way. That's particularly hard, I think, because feelings of love are obviously meant to be shared, and it's okay to grieve your idea of what this person could have

been and what you wanted them to be. It doesn't mean that they still like you in a friendship capacity, but maybe you do need to take some distance for yourself as you heal. That would be my biggest piece of advice is to take a few weeks apart so

you can think of a way forward. Even if you can stay friends, I think it's still important to have a bit of like a cooling down period for yourself to actually think about it and to think about how difficult these unrequired emotions might be and how you're gonna manage. I think most of the time we have this impulse to kind of keep face and pretend it doesn't bother us and just like hope everything goes back to the way it was by forcing the same kind of reactions

and interactions that we used to have. I would advise against this because feelings don't disappear the moment, they aren't reciprocated. They stay with us, and we often have a lot of expectations that maybe this person might eventually change their mind. You have to trust that this person knows what they want and knows what's right for them, Even if it's painful for you, try not to get stuck in the mental loop of questioning their decision, questioning their answer. Is

it because I'm not their type? What's wrong with me physically? Am I not good enough? It's definitely an now line of thinking. We like to overly examine our perceived failures to prevent them from occurring again, or to try and come up with some cure or a solution, But often it just gets us stuck in a pretty deep mental hole, one that is filled with a lot of self doubt,

a lot of insecurity. Just because this person didn't pick you doesn't mean that no one will, but it can be really hard to see that when we're shouldering a lot of deep pain. This is why, again I recommend giving yourself some space, let yourself feel disappointed, let yourself mourn for a little bit, and then start to think about your future as friends and whether that relationship can be maintained. I think that it's important to try to focus on the friendship that is at the heart of

this experience. Right Like, you like them for a reason because they are a good person. But are you going to be satisfied with not having everything, with just having the part that is platonic. That is a question that I think you have to answer for yourself. But while you're thinking it through, I want to give you five tips for dealing with this situation from beginning to end. I think when you first notice that you've developed feelings

for a friend, stop and pause. Do you actually like this person or are they just the only person around? This is sometimes a very real possibility, as the proximity principle tells us, sometimes all attraction takes is physical closeness to set up a whole chain of reactions. So pause and consider whether this person would actually make you happy in the long term, whether you are stretching your imagination a little bit too much, or whether you are just

seeing potential when there isn't anything actually there. Dating in our twenties is really hard. First dates suck, blind dates are even worse. The constant small talk, rejection, the heartbreak. It can feel like a lot, And so some times, when we've been through a lot of that, we seek comfort in the things that we know, which is this

friend that we know will never harm us. But it doesn't necessarily mean that just because you're good friends that a relationship with them would work out that they are the right person for you. So I would say, honestly, look at this person's personality, look at their character, look at their behavior. Are they really as wonderful as you think they are? Do you think that your life would be perfect with this person or is there maybe someone

else out there? And that's my second point. Give yourself some space to date elsewhere. Don't date looking for distraction, but to look for possibility. Sometimes we become very obsessive when we have one person in mine and we have decided that they are the one. And maybe I sound pessimistic, but I think that we have more than just one person out there who is compatible with us, who would make us happy. So don't limit yourself before you know

how they feel. Don't don't close yourself off into like this space of compulsion and obsession towards this person. Keep the doors open, keep your mind open to the possibility of someone else, and don't wait for them to act or to ask you how you're feeling. Be an active player here, get yourself some answers so that you can move forward in whatever the direction this relationship is going

to take. You have to be brave to go after what you want in life in any capacity, and the answer is always going to be no unless you ask, in which case, yeah, you know, it might still be a no. But how can you really confirm that if you never say anything, if you never speak up. I think that speaking your truth is one of the greatest gifts that you can give yourself. If it doesn't give you a relationship, at least it will give you answers for those times when things haven't gone the way that

you want them to. I cannot stress this enough. Treat it like a breakup, or like any other kind of romantic loss or rejection. When we shame ourselves out of big emotions, what we are enduring is called disenfranchised grief, and that is a kind of loss that is not openly acknowledged and accepted, despite its still being painful for the person experiencing it. In this case, you remember, it's

okay to miss them. It's okay to be sad about the possibility that you saw and the future that you imagined. But it doesn't mean that they are the one. It's just the result of a bond of attachment of our memory flare ups. You know, our brains are weirdly wired to bring up old memories and information when it's not useful.

So it doesn't mean that you've like missed out right just because you're thinking about this person, just because they're in their brain is no, there's no deeper meaning in that. There's no deeper fate that you've missed out on. I think it's just our natural reaction to not just rejection, but also to a disruption in our attachment. Wanting to reach out doesn't make you weak. Mourning something that never

was doesn't make you crazy. I hate that word. You are just a human with a lot of big emotions. You are so sensitive, and you have a lot of love to give, and I think that capacity to love others is very rare and very beautiful and should be celebrated, especially during a time where I think everyone really wants to play games and keep things close to their chest. It's honestly so radical to be so open with your

love and your feelings for others. And I always think it's the people who are told they love too much, who give too much to others, who struggle the most in dating. But they are the ones who experience the deepest and most gorgeous, delicate human emotions. And feelings and passion when they find the right person. This person is not the right person. They are not the one, even though you have this attachment to them, even though you

have this connection. But when you do find this person who is for you, think about how amazing it's going to feel. And this current experience, what you're going through is just a chapter in your story. It's something to perhaps one day laugh about, and you'll soon really realize that it's part of the journey that gets you to where you need to be going. So in that space between now and then, do things you know will help

you heal. Give yourself space to focus on your own self growth, getting really deep into your goals, your hobbies, anything to get you thinking about something other than this person. Consciously shift your thoughts from returning again and again to your friend and what could have been, to what your life will be. If you take all of that energy and you spend it on yourself. You just want to say, I am sending a whole lot of love personally. I

know it's really difficult. I know that you get really really wrapped up in what could be and what is, and it feels like you're never going to get over this person. It feels like this is going to destroy you. I've lived through it. It doesn't. It gets better. You will recover from this. It will just be part of this great story that is expanding out in front of you. And maybe it does work out, in which case that's fantastic. You will join this huge group of people who do meet,

you know, the loves of their lives as friends. And I think that's just like a wonderful part of human connection and human relationships is that we have the capacity to really form these really meaningful relationships both platonically and romantically. Just because something isn't romantic doesn't mean that it's not platonically valuable. That's something I also want you to remember. So again, lots of love, lots of healing, lots of strength.

You will do what is best for you and I'm hoping that you get the outcome that you deserve, and if not, you have the everything that you need to move on and to move forward. So thank you so much for listening to this episode. If you enjoyed it, please feel free to leave a five star review on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, wherever you're listening right now, make sure

you're following along for when new episodes come out. There's some pretty good ones coming out soon, some special guest episodes, and if you have a episode suggestion, if you want to tell me a story about the person that you've fallen in love with who might be a friend, maybe a situation where this has worked out, please send me a DM at that Psychology podcast. I would love to hear from you, and as always, stay kind and be gentle to yourselves until next time.