139. How to have better first dates!

down the psychology of our twenties. We are doing a fun episode today, something a little bit different than what we normally do, but I promise we are definitely not skipping any of the psychology behind this week's topic, and that topic is how to have better first dates in your twenties. I think dating in our twenties, let's not kid ourselves, feels like a little bit of a minefield because there is no right or wrong way to do it, and honestly, a lot of people don't really know what

they want. They don't know what they like, they don't know what they're looking for. It feels like there are a million choices out there and yet no one, no one available, no one left single at the same time, and then there is the actual act of going on the dates also sometimes a nightmare, especially first dates, when you don't really know someone beyond maybe a couple of messages.

Often a lot of us find it easier to just not go, to just not deal with the hassle then have to sit through another person telling us about their job and their work and their favorite color. But I also have a different perspective for you. I think dating, especially in our twenties, is meant to be fun, is

meant to give you good stories. And I truly believe that going on dates, seeing what you like and don't like the kind of people that are out there, is actually going to help you learn so much more about yourself. I will say for the record, I am very much in a relationship, the best relationship of my life. But before I met him, I went on I think more first dates than I can count. Some of them were wonderful,

some of them were absolutely terrible. Some of them were awkward and confusing, Like we all have those horror stories, right. But I think despite all of that, I have never not had fun. I have never once left a date being like that was a waste of my time. Because my mindset towards dating, first dates in particular, is that no matter what they think, no matter what the outcome is, no matter whether this person is the one, you are

there for an experience and nothing more. And I've learned a few things about how to have really amazing first dates, ones that are memorable and exciting and sweet and most of all just really really fun. So for all of you out there in the trenches of single life and dating right now, maybe you've just hit a bad run

of awful dates. You're never getting asked on second dates, you're not actually enjoying yourself, and you're being beginning to really like question whether this is a waste of your time. This episode is for you. I've got ten tips for you, and let me say this first. Take this advice or leave it. Some of this is practical, it may not apply to you. But also regardless of what anyone says, and that includes myself, the most important factor is you know,

not formulaic. It's not based on how you dressed. It's not based on how many good stories you tell, how much you drink, where you're going, the location. The key to really good first dates is just your authenticity. Someone who is confident in who they are, regardless of whether

someone else likes them back. Regardless of whether someone else thinks they're attractive or funny or intelligent, whatever, you're always going to have more success and have better first dates, or at least be more discerning if you are confident and if you know what you're looking for. That's because I think A you're not pretending to be someone that you're not, and therefore you're not expending all of this

energy into a character or a PERSONA. You know you want to actually find someone who likes you for you if you're looking for long devity, and you're not going to get that by putting on an act, because you won't be comfortable, you won't feel secure. And B I think authenticity is also attractive. It is the most attractive part of a person, their own self assurance and who they are, where they belong, the treatment they deserve. Not everyone is going to be the love of your life.

There will be some bad eggs, some kind of frogs that you have to kiss, but they are just part of the story. I think That's what I always say, the tapestry of your twenties and who cares if they're not the one? They give you something interesting to talk about, because right now, I think, especially during this decade, you

should be the love of your life. The relationship you have with yourself is the most important one you are ever going to have ever, so it's not worth compromising that just to receive the validation or acceptance of someone you really don't know. That well, I also think dating is a bit of a game. It's a skill more than anything else, something that we get better at over time. So what are some of the ways that we can

have better first dates from that perspective. From a psychological perspective as well, how can we really feel our best, feel most charismatic, represent ourselves as best as we can, and kind of be in our power, but also get what we want out of this experience. Well, I have all the tips, from the scent you wear, to the location you should choose, the nonverbal cues you should be putting out, how to leverage the power of silence and suspense,

all of that and more in this episode. So, without further ado, let's get into my tips for having the best first dates in our twenties. First dates are honestly some of my favorite kinds of dates because they are both simultaneously low stakes and high stakes. At the same time, and the energy that that brings, the sense of anticipation of anything can happen, is exciting. It's really addictive. You could end the date and be like, yeah, not for me,

I'm never gonna see this person again. Or you can meet the love of your life on a rainy Monday night at an Italian place and suddenly all of those lost loves, all of those failed situationships, all of those heartbreaks no longer matter. But the trick here is twofold first dates are going to be better when you go in with low expectations, So you take the low stakes approach. This is because it kind of leaves more space to be surprised rather than disappointed. If you go into a

date thinking, Okay, this is it. We are going to talk for hours, they're going to confess their love for me instantly, I would say ninety nine percent of the time that won't happen, and you'll feel like the date is a failure or a waste. But if you approach it with the perspective of this is just one night of my life and I'm going to meet someone new, I'm going to get out of the house at the

very least it's practice. You know, the small things are going to seem so much more exciting and you're more likely to have a better time. They've actually tested this theory, this a low stakes, low expectations approach in a number of academic studies, and one of these was using video games.

So they showed that when people had really high expectations of what they were about to experience the game they were about to play, they actually enjoyed it a lot less than people who had no idea and were just kind of there to see and have fun. And the same goes for dates. Right Like, high expectations often means unrealistic expectations, which means you're probably going to you know,

probably going to leave feeling a little bit defeated. Now, I think importantly there is a difference between lowering your expectations and lowering your standards. I think expectations are about whether someone is going to meet your standards, so the standards stay unchanged. We do not lower our standards, but how you kind of appraise someone else's ability to meet those standards should remain low until they prove you otherwise.

So I'm going to explain this a little bit further basically, don't walk into every first date thinking that every person has it in them to treat you the way you deserve to be treated. And if they don't have it in them, if they aren't the one, that is not a reflection of you, but of them. Once again, the

standards remain unchanged, but the expectations are lowered. Secondly, you're not going to get what you want out of a first day or any kind of dating like interaction unless you're clear on what you want, and maybe you don't know what you want, you just want to have fun. That is still an intention. I think we start to fear and avoid first days when we say that we

want one thing and we actually expect something else. And I did a whole episode on this around dating with intention, and I think dating with intention doesn't necessarily mean that you're dating for commitment. Even if you're looking for something casual, that is totally fine. But what you need to be clear on is is that actually what I want right now? Or am I lying to myself? Am I actually clear

on my intentions here? Because I think if you go into a first day expecting, you know, to fall in love, but then you accept someone who does not have the same intentions because you're kind of engaging in a little bit of delusion. It's just not going to be enjoyable. There won't be a future there. I think setting your intentions up will also help you beyond just first dates, but also in terms of an entire perspective shift on

dating and what you're looking for. And I think to understand what you're looking for, you have to be clear around three questions. What do I want from this state, what do I want from this person? What do I want in the near future? And if you answer those honestly, you really do set yourself up for success. Okay, we're going to go back to our practical tips here. You've already taken a low stakes approach. Congratulations, you best believe

that you know what you want. Now we're going to look at first dates in three stages, that before, the during, and the after, and what kind of behaviors and habits in each of these stages is going to leave you feeling amazing time, even if the person is, you know, I hate to say it, like a little bit of a loser, a little bit of a dud. So before, before the date, you are kind of in the process of courting this person. Maybe you have matched on a dating app, or you met at a party a few

weeks ago someone's like put you in touch. The sooner between that first connection and the first date, the better, because you don't give yourself the time to, you know, kind of psych yourself out. You don't let your doubts sneak in, you don't waste your time, and you don't give yourself the chance to build up a fantasy image of this person in your head before actually getting to know them in real life. So I would say, keep the texting to the minimum here, make it plan directed.

Something I always used to say when I was kind of on the apps is that I'm not looking for a pen pal. I'm not looking to chat with you for a month before we actually meet. Because compatibility and chemistry, they are only really fully recognizable and proven in person.

So based on those psychological principles of attraction that we talk about all the time, we know that we are going to understand someone more like someone more when we leverage proximity, so actually being around them in person, not just familiarity that is brought through texting and such. So rule of thumb. One week of messaging and then someone has to make a move here, and that can be you just be like, hey, I have a question, When are you going to ask me out on a date?

When are we going to go on a date? Get that online interaction into a real world setting asap. My next tip is you pick the place. Something I think women in particular are afraid of doing is making an explicit move or being the one to plan and decide the date. I think we hear a lot around how we should expect someone else to take the lead, because if they wanted to, they would. I think that's a

great principle to hold. But honestly, and maybe this is controversial, I think that really feeds into some quite outdated norms on women needing to be led or feeling as if men get to call the shots or should be in control of kind of romantic instances of like romantic connection. Maybe you like the effort, I don't know. I feel like that's also totally fine. But I am a firm believer that even if they picked the date and the time,

you pick the place. And that's for a number of reasons. Firstly, you are going to feel more comfortable in a place you're familiar, with which is going to come in handy when we're talking about feeling at ease, right, you're going to feel more at ease when you're meeting someone new. If you already know where you're going and you know the place we already have, you know one thing unfamiliar that we need to adapt to. That is that new person. So let's just keep it to that, you know, let's

just keep one thing unfamiliar. Number two. Like we've said from the beginning, dating should be fun. So make it fun by going to a place you already know you enjoy, so that even if it's like a shit night the conversation is bad, at least you've got to have your favorite drink or your favorite meal, or choose your favorite activity. My fail proof equation, the place should be less than a fifteen minute walk from your house. There should be other places around where you could carry on with a

second activity, So like another drink, some dessert, lunch. If it goes really well, and if it doesn't go well, you know you're back home in under the hour. You don't need to commute across town. It's a fifteen minute walk. Comfort, simplicity, familiarity, those are all good signs of a first date location. Okay, so next we need to get into the mindset of dating,

and this is all about cultivating our confidence. Confidence, I cannot stress this enough is like the secret ingredient to attractiveness. So they published this study in I think it was the Personality and Social Psychology Journal, and they found that confidence is a huge predictor of overall romantic attractiveness and desirability. It continuously tops the list of most desirable traits in

a romantic partner. But it's also going to allow you to feel so much less anxious, and it's going to let you be in your own power and really not care about the other person's opinion of you unless it's positive. You know, you like yourself and if they like you, it's an added bonus. It's that awareness of who you are, regardless of how someone else sees you. That is where

our confidence comes from. And that confidence when you are comfortable with yourself, it grants you like a certain kind of charm, a certain kind of glow or assertiveness that makes people more secure around you. It makes your date feel better, and the overall energy is also going to be better. It makes you seem more attractive. Also, one of my friends said this to me the other day, and I was like, wow, that is such good advice. This person knows nothing about you, They know nothing about

your past, about who you are. You get to be who you want to be. You get to write the narrative. So sometimes the secret to a confidence boost is just to fake it till you make it. And we can do that by boosting our pre date moods. So don't wear what you think they'll like or try and predict their preferences. Wear something that makes you feel good. Also, you need a pre date pump up playlist. I used

to have one. I'm going to try and remember. It's called Oh I think it was literally called butt lift, like butt lift. I don't know why. But music in these scenarios, especially like your hype songs, are going to flood your brain with dopamine. It's going to make you motivated, confident, more alert. And if that isn't getting you there, leverage

the power of affirmations. If you're still feeling really nervous, feeling like you kind of want to cancel last minute, affirmations really help reduce your self limiting beliefs, your fears that maybe the date will suck, maybe they won't like you, maybe it will be a dud, And these affirmations shift that and put you into a mindset of confidence and openness. So these are some of my favorites personally approved. I

have used them many times. I used to repeat these, like in the five minutes before I walked in the door. Tell yourself, I'm magnetic. I attract wonderful people into my life. I know who I am, I'm charismatic, I'm attractive. People are attracted to me. I know some people view the

power of affirmations as a pseudoscience. Obviously, just saying these things doesn't quote unquote wish them into existence, but there is a lot of evidence that shows that the words we speak to ourselves influence the things we believe about ourselves, which in turn impacts our behavior, and it's those behaviors

that create better first states. It's that assertiveness, that self assurance that it's going to make sure, whatever happens, that this person is going to walk away thinking that you definitely know your worth and you're going to walk away being like I had fun and I'm not too worried about that person's opinion. And if you're feeling nervous, I get the pre date nerves. Just tell yourself you're excited by the feeling. You're excited by this feeling. You're not fearful,

you are not anxious. Anxiety and excitement they feel the same, So just tell yourself that it is that excitement that you're feeling, not that nervousness. Finally, and this might be a little bit weird, but having a first date sent is such a hack as sent a perfume that you only use on first dates. I know this sounds wild, but smell has a very unique influence on our brain, particularly our old factory cortex and the old factory bulb which is at the front of the brain. And smell

can be used to que behaviors and que mindset. It is associated with memories that you can tune into and a sense of like almost like a purpose. Like if you associate a smell with good things, you associate a smell with feeling confident. That's going to mean that when you smell that scent, that is going to be activated this and it's kind of also going to activate your

first date patterns. It's going to make you feel more calm, It's going to put you in the mind frame of like, I'm going to go on this state, it's going to be fun. This is my first date sent I'm locked in, I'm excited. And that smell also has a unique influence on your date as well, particularly through its influence on pheromones. So our perception of kind of like a potential partner's body odor, whether it is sweet or rich or musky, whatever,

it will subconsciously influence attraction. So when we smell something pleasant, our body responds by producing hormones and chemicals in our body that tell us to rest and relax, but also neurotransmitters like oxytocin that act on the pleasure centers of our brain. So when you're attracted to someone, you're more likely to be drawn to their smell. So sometimes just knowing that you smell good gives you a boost. Knowing that smells associated with attraction makes you and be like,

all right, I'm already one step ahead. This person is going to like me just because I smell nice, You feel more attractive, You'll feel more appealing, and you'll act accordingly. So those are my tips for before text less, location, confidence, and smell, all of which are going to help you relax those first date jitters. But what we're going to talk about next is during the day. And during the day there's two things that we want to focus on,

body language and conversation. Sometimes even the absence of conversation. I think we often focus too much on worrying whether we'll have enough to talk about, rather than what we are going to get out of this experience, what we are ready to learn about ourselves, but also about the other person, and that energy, that chemistry, that attraction flows not just through conversation but also through our non verbal cues. Obviously, conversation is important, you know, what's a date without one?

You're kind of just staring at each other for a couple of hours. Intimate, not very fun. My friend Erin though, always says the five easiest topics to talk about on a first date are friends, family, work, hobbies, and the week that will That will cover you for at least an hour, so you don't have to be afraid that you're not going to have anything to say, And sometimes not having anything to say is a pretty clear indicator that this person is probably not right for you, So

don't be afraid of that silence. I think sometimes when we are nervous, we bombard someone with questions, we try and fill the silence. We don't really listen to their answers, and there's no connection from that. So instead of thinking ahead, instead of trying to plan what you're going to say, except that silence is actually important. Silence is kind of like a secret weapon because we know it builds suspense, and suspense builds intrigue, it builds anticipation, it builds excitement,

and that will keep someone engaged in the date. Honestly, like not to sound too deliberate, but I used to make a conscious choice to pause between every like three or four questions, not just to give someone else space to speak, which I think is important, but also when someone is waiting for you to speak next, they're interested, You have their attention, and that attention between both of you makes for a good first date. And now let's

talk about body cues as well. Like I said, it's not just having a good chat, it's in the body. It's in the nonverbal communication that speaks volumes, and you can tune into that to draw someone in, to create more of that kind of intimacy and closeness and engagement. The first one is eye contact. Prolonged eye contact releases a stim in our brain that brings focus, it brings happiness.

It's often associated with feelings of attraction. It's also been thought to release once again oxytocin, the love chemical, which is important for long term bonding. It's because the eyes, our eyes, they're vulnerable. It's where we see emotion, and when we continue to draw someone back to that feature, back to that part of our face, the level of

contact feels deeper. Mirroring is also pretty powerful. So I don't know if you've heard about mirroring before, but it's essentially this technique where we copy the other person's body language to indicate attentiveness and interest. Obviously, golden rules still be yourself in those moments, but when we kind of copy someone else's behavior, if they lean forward, we lean forward. If they cross their arms, we cross our arms. That acts on a specific set of nerve cells called mirror neurons.

So one common situation occurs when you know someone else laughs. Scientists have found that the brain responds to the sound of laughter to also prepare the muscles in our face and our vocal cords to laugh in response. Other examples of kind of mirroring or mimicking behaviors includes crossing your legs after someone you're sitting next to who does that.

Or you know, when we yawn after seeing someone else yawn, even if we have no intention of doing it, even if we had no sense that we needed to yawn before. It's this really kind of powerful automatic tool that sometimes happens without us being aware of it, that when we are attracted to someone, when we're connected to someone, we're engaged with someone, we are drawn to mimic their behavior to show that we trust them and to show that

we are not a threat. Okay, so during the date, rely on those nonverbal communication skills, lean in, make eye contact, mirror and also kind of unrelated. If it's not going well, I cannot stress this enough, just leave, leave. Remember we are adopting a low stakes attitude, a low stakes approach, and we don't want any negative associations between a first date and not having fun or feeling drained or bored. You don't need to be polite or worry about offending

their feelings by doing what's best for you. I think that level of self assurance like no this isn't going well, I'm not here for this, I'm not having fun. It really sets you up to be more discerning in the future. It lets you reinforce your own self worth, reinforce your own confidence, your own decision making, and it stops you from wasting your time. I think normally we try and avoid that because we want other people to like us,

or we want to not come off as rude. But you are there for an experience the same way that they are, and if the experience is not one that you are enjoying, you can just leave. I think that's a really important reminder. So finally, normally, when the date is done, we think, okay, well the date's done. You know, either I'm gonna get a text back or we kind

of move on to the next. But I actually think their secret to having better first dates in your twenties comes from what you do after as much as what you do before and during the date. So we are going to explore all of that and more after this short break. If there is one thing I believe more than anything else when it comes to dating, it's that first impressions are not always correct. Some people may say you know when you know, you know, but I think

there are a lot of the factors there. And if you're treating dating like a fulfilling experience, like something fun, sometimes you actually need to do a bit of a review on how you're feeling about the person afterwards and why that is. When you were around them, did you feel comfortable, did you actually enjoy yourself? And most importantly, was it actually a good date? Are they actually fun? Do you want to be around them? Or are you just fun? Are you just interesting? Are you just a

really fun person to date? And so it makes them seem more interesting. I found that all the time when I was single, because I had such a good attitude to this that this is exciting, I'm keen to see what that's you know, what's out there and actually have a good time. I really curated and created situations and dates that were going to make the other person seem

fun no matter what. And sometimes that created a first impression and they actually just weren't that way in the future, like when I got to know them more, it wasn't correct. So really ask yourself, did they ask you questions about yourself? Was that fake laughter or real laughter? How many times did you check your phone or did you check the time?

Those can tell you a lot more about a date than your gut feeling, and I think if you're not sure, Honestly, sometimes I would actually just say go on the second date if they're up for it, because chances are that your first impression was based on a lot of factors that you can't really control. It's based on nerves, it's based on how you're feeling about yourself, and it can't always be trusted. I have a story for you about this.

After my first date with my boyfriend, I was like, honestly convinced that I wasn't going to see him again because he gave me like no romantic signals. I know we had a good first date, but I was like, why do I feel almost bored? Like I have no anxiety? And I realized that was because he was one of the first people I gone on a date with where I had no expectations in advance. I had no anxiety, And I think that's that anxiety is often what we

confuse as chemistry. And even though I was unsure of our first impression, it was the sense of like I had fun and I was at peace, and yet I feel like this isn't exciting enough. But that's because, like all those other previous situations, all those other first dates I'd gone on, I was like constantly trying to create situations in which we were having like the best time ever, rather than just letting myself relax. And I went on

a second date. I'm so glad that I did. Second dates are always, I think, so much better and more meaningful and also are going to give you more information about that person, because it's like a lot of us have like that first date Vania, like that first date kind of facade, and we have our like practiced first date stories. We're trying to put on a really good image for someone this I can date. That kind of comes down a little bit. Instant chemistry is also, I

think not the most important thing here. I think we've been sold this really weird narrative around love that meant you know that when you meet their one or whatever it is, it's meant to be instantaneous and there will be sparks and butterflies and passion straight off the bat. Not always true. Intimacy and connection and chemistry are things that build over time, So don't always trust your first date self to make those decisions I think post date. Also,

don't be afraid to text them first. Honestly, fuck the rules, fuck the games, do what feels best without trying to second guess your attentions or you know, you don't want to come off too strong. I just think that's ridiculous. You know you're in this for you, so call the shots. And I think if you really like them, being like, let's do that again and getting no response, that is a response in itself, or getting a positive response is a green flag. Like at least you cut the games.

At least you get it out of the way. You don't have to like constantly be judging what this other person thinks. Like I'm gonna say it again, you're in this for you, so you should call the shots. So this episode has all been about having really good first dates, maybe the best first dates of your life, maybe never needing to go on a first date again because you use these tips and you found the world. But bad dates are also unfortunately unavoidable. You've got to kiss a

few frogs. As they say, some people are just not compatible because of their values, their intentions, their personality, And we can sometimes find that, you know, really exhausting, really really exhausting if you've just gone on so many dates with people and it just didn't work out and you're at the end of your tether. But I'd say, don't let the bad dates scare you away from beautiful experiences and moments in the future. We often feel the need

after a bad first date to do one of two things. A. We immediately feel like we need to run out and go on another date right away, like we want to cleanse the palette, and like forget the bad memory, eat something like tasty after something foul. I think that when we do that, we don't remember what our intentions are. We are more wanting to distract ourselves from what was

probably maybe a bad experience. B. I think the second thing we do is engage in the fallacy that this one bad date is somehow predictive that our next date will also be bad. That is not the case. That person's behaviors and personality, whatever it was that was unattractive, they have no correlation to what the next person will be like. So don't let that experience control your behavior or your dating life beyond what happened in that one evening or on that one date. Something I always say

is it's just a good story. It's kind of like, do it for the plot. But when we reframe bad, uncomfortable experiences into something that we can see is slightly positive, you know that we're going to get a good personal anecdote from this, or that at least our friends will find it funny. We are implicitly using what psychologists call

cognitive behavior training or therapy. We are altering our thoughts or our attitudes towards an event or a situation to be more positive so that we don't let our perception interrupt our future behavior. We don't let it create future avoidance. Another thing that is really common is ghosting. And you know, if they ghost you after your first date, that says more about their emotional unavailability than anything about your value. Remember who the hell you are in those moments. You

are an absolute catch. You are magnetic, you love deeply, You are talented and kind and intelligent. It would have been a privilege for that person to be with you, And I feel sorry for them that they lost out. That's so disappointing for them. Bad luck to them, and so they can go on searching. And what they've given you is a gift. They've given you, the gift of letting you go, of letting you find someone better. Okay, so this was information overload. You can tell I was

excited for this topic. I love living vicariously through you guys. I love living vicariously through my friends. I want you all to have amazing first dates, and I want you to tell me about them. But firstly, let's run through those tips again. First of all, limit the texting, choose the location and make the move. Prioritize confidence and comfort. Remember who you are and reaffirm that for yourself. Choose your scent, your smell to get you into the mindset.

Treat your anxiety like excitement. Remember that it's not all about conversation. It's also about silence. It's also about suspec events. Make sure you use your body language, make eye contact, mirror their behavior, and debrief with yourself. How could I make this better? How could I enjoy myself more? Is this the kind of person I want? Or not? And also, don't let the bad dates hold you back. Sometimes in our twenties, it is a little bit of a numbers game.

It is a little bit of trial and error. You'll find someone eventually, if that's what you're looking for, and you'll have fun in the process. Like I've said a million times in this episode, dating is meant to be fun. It's not meant to be a chore. It's not meant to be something you have to force yourself to do. You should be excited by the opportunity to meet all

these new people and create stories for yourself. So I really hope that this episode has been helpful for all of my beautiful listeners out there putting themselves out there dating up a storm. I freaking love it. That is what your twenties are all about, having fun, meeting people, testing things out you go. So I want to know if you use any of these tips. I want to hear about your first dates. I want to debrief guys.

I love being in a relationship, but some part of me I miss the excitement of like being single, Like I don't miss the anxiety. I think it's like the grass is always greener, right, Like you're always like looking. You know, after the experience is done, you always remember the things that at the time you didn't realize were positive. So please let me know how your dates are going, whether you use these tips, if they were successful and as always, I really hope that you enjoyed this episode.

If there is someone in your life who needs to hear this, please feel free to share it with them and tag us on Instagram if you're sharing it there as well. You can follow us at that Psychology podcast if you have a future suggestion for an episode, if you have some feedback, if you just want to get in touch, if you want to have a chat, all is welcome over there, And of course we will be by back on Friday for another episode, so we will see you then. MHM.