134. The psychology behind the "ick"

all things the Psychology of Your twenties. Today, we're going to talk about a phenomenon that I think has only recently gotten a label, it's very own term, in the last couple of decades or so, and is now a phrase that I think has become part of out everyday dating vocabulary, and that is the ick. Getting the ick. You know, I often think that we think of the ick as as like very humorous thing, something that's not that serious. We joke about it. It's an everyday kind

of conversational phrase. But there's also a significant number of psychological theories and ideas that can explain why we get the ick, why we feel the ick towards specific almost small things, particularly when we examine concepts around attraction and hypervigilance, rejection, sensitivity, emotional avoidance, and even our intuition. It is a lot deeper than the TikTok trend I think makes it seem and it goes really deep into our psychology as humans

and social creatures. So we're going to break it all down today on this episode. So the ICK refers to very quickly losing romantic or sexual interest in someone you were once attracted to because of some kind of behavior or event or quirk that suddenly turns you completely off this individual and ultimately, you know, makes you feel like you need to abandon the relationship entirely, like that you

cannot be with this person any longer. This relationship counselor and also a psychotherapist called Kupet Singh says, the IK is kind of different to just doubting whether you want to be with someone. The ICK is very much a repulsion.

It's a very strong gut reaction either to the mannerisms of the person or the way they behave or something else entirely, and that gut reaction makes us feel like we can no longer be with that person, even if we have no justified reason for finding what they did unattractive.

I would say sometimes the ik is completely warranted, like when the action kind of reveals something more about their overall personality and values that is a deeper turn off, that means kind of more than what the initial action may look like at the surface level, things that I think of, like being mean to animals, or seeing someone really angry when they're drunk, or having poor hygiene. That

is a super justified egg. But I think the premise of this concept has a lot more to do with the kinds of behaviors we see as relatively innocuous, meaning they are quite often harmless and super random. We can't predict them. They're not a symbol for something bigger or more significant. It's just this really niche, almost spontaneous turn

off that we can't explain. Even if we rationalize that it's justified, we cannot ignore the feeling of just immediately no longer finding this person attractive, even being repulsed by them. The feeling is there. It's staring at us, it's demanding action.

Even if all someone did was, you know, run around with a backpack on, or wear shoes that we didn't like or didn't want to share food on the first date, were immediately post I have this theory that X come in three distinctive categories, which I have obviously formulated based on copious amounts of TikTok viewing and conversations with friends. This isn't like a scientific categorization model, but one that

is more I think observational and anecdotal. We have our behavioral X. These are things like chasing a ping pong ball that seems to be a really common one actually, or baby voice, a certain way of walking, being a noisy eater, triple texting, crude jokes, things to do with how someone chooses to act and behave. Then we have our physical X. This is normally about someone's physical appearance or the things that they choose to wear, So wearing goggles at the beach, which I will admit I am

very much guilty of. I want to see what's in the water, so if that's an ick, I get it, but I do that as well, or wearing certain types of clothes like skinny jean, a certain hairstyle, poor hygiene. Like we spoke about before, things about someone's like physical appearance, perception,

outside version of themselves. And then finally we have our emotional IX, which I think are the icks that we should pay the most attention to, things like vanity, constantly looking in the mirror, being overbearing, having you know, a tantrum like come on, you are an adult, let's process our emotions productively, please and thank you, or you know, not being nice to wait staff. That's like a really big indicator of I think a deeper attitude and value

set that the ICK is just warning us about. And then there are some that just kind of extend beyond all bounds, like someone who says a particular word wrong. I even saw this one video where someone was like, someone's name, gives me the ICK their literal name because it's too boring. I think the thing about IX is that they don't always make sense to the average person. But one of the defining elements of the ICK is that it is highly personal and subjective relative to our

subconscious preferences. Sometimes these are preferences that we don't even understand, we're not even aware of, until we see something about someone's behavior or how they conduct themselves or what they're doing that just makes us feel deeply unattracted to them, not because it says anything deeper about who they are,

but for some other reasons. Beyond that, I want to quickly say, because I found this so fascinating, X can also be gendered based on what we're told to expect from our romantic partners, depending on our gender, what we're

influenced to find attractive and not. If you are a woman, X maybe more relative to manners or emotional boundaries or turn offs or particular behaviors that we expect from men in a dating setting, but MALEX seem to be more physical, which could potentially be related to those findings that women prioritize feeling and compatibility in a relationship, whilst men, particularly

younger men, find attractiveness and appearance a more significant factor. Now, there have not been any studies on this that I could find, so actually, if you're looking for a fun research topic, that might be a really interesting one. But I think that is just one explanation. Our dating preferences are influenced by societal and gendered expectations, which is why

they differ for men and women. And that's why also our X, what we like immediately find kind of I don't want to say revolting because that's a strong word, but really unappealing about someone is going to be based on the gender that we see ourselves as or our sex. So are our x justified? Should we really be that particular or are we even deliberately making a decision about what we do and do not find attractive about someone. I don't actually think that we have a choice in

the matter, right. I think that these icks are like, quite involuntary and quite spontaneous, And the theories that we're going to talk about later that suggest that it actually comes from a very unconscious part of our mind that is trying to warn us of something or has a greater intuitive sense of the long term compatibility between us and someone else. But I also think that the concept of an it kind of scares me because what does it really say about the nature of attraction and kind

of love in general? You know, one of the premises, the underlying beliefs about getting the ick is that it can kind of occur at any stage. It's this flip of a switch whereby the things we once found attractive are suddenly unbearable. So it kind of seems to suggest that our attraction to someone is not as unconditional as

we think. That we can fall out of love just as easily as we can fall in love based on someone's quirks and their particular behaviors, and you know by that logic, And this is the thing that terrifies me. You could be married for twenty years and suddenly your partner decides to wear like the wrong kind of socks or kind of burps a little bit weird, and you get the ick. You get the ick. Actually it relates to this deeper idea known as fatal attraction theory, which

is somewhat different to the ick. But this hypothesis proposed by Professor Diane Felmley. She believes that the things we initially find attractive about someone, like their humor, their spontaneity, their conscientiousness, those are sometimes the things that actually cause the relationship to break down in the end, when we begin to see these once positive traits in a new light. The things that we love the most about ourselves or about someone else are also the things that we dislike

about ourselves or someone else the most. I think that has more to do with compatibility, because inherently, I think we all know from our personal experience with the ick that it's kind of reserved for those early days, right, those early first dates, those first months, where we are seeing someone in a different context, perhaps testing them out,

seeing if we fit. And during that stage when we are dating but not dating, we're pretty hyper vigilant to any signs that things might not work out, hyper vigilant to the things that turn us off from someone. I think it's serve this kind of weird fork in the road when we first become kind of romantically attached to someone and we have to kind of ask the question,

are we okay with this person not being perfect? Can we overlook the small, little, everyday things they do that might be a little bit annoying or that we wouldn't do the same way. I think everyone in a long term partnership or marriage, I will tell you that you cannot love absolutely everything about your partner. There will be times that they annoy you or do things that are frustrating.

But it's not the same as the ick. It's not the same as that instant discust that literally makes you feel repulsed by a person or leave you internally cringing. And that's what is the difference between an ick and a deal breaker, which I think a deal breaker is more aligned to our values and our needs. The ick is really just like a mental test, like am I willing to tolerate these small things about a person? Or is it just too much for me? So maybe and

some therapists do offer this explanation. We identify small things as an out. Maybe they are just an unconscious smoke screen for a bigger reason we want to leave, or that we don't want to be with this person, either because of something about them or about ourselves, like emotional unavailability.

Instead of deciding to confront the fact that maybe we are not ready to take things further, or that we are closed off to a connection or worried about the other person maybe being turned off by us, first, we pull the trigger on something arbitrary before having to get to invested or maybe see the bigger potential problems in our relationship that could leave us feeling hurt or rejected. That's just one way of looking at it. Maybe it's also a real reason and your gut is telling you

to run. This ick is related to something bigger, a deal breaker, as we said, a red flag. But you know, these icks are also kind of, like I said, as smokescreen, right, Like sometimes it really is a way for our brain to be like, oh, deep down, I know I don't like this person. Deep down, I probably don't want to

be with them. So my brain is going to find something small about their behavior that's gonna give me a reason to leave, that's gonna kind of show me what my unconscious thoughts already know, which is that there isn't a future here. And you know, these icks, although we've really been focusing on them in reference to romantic partners, they might not just be reserved for the people we deem as sexually attractive or who we are intimately connected

to in that way. They can also extend to our friends, to our coworkers, to our acquaintances, even strangers. You know, although our recovery from these ix is probably quicker. But if you see someone trip on the street and you kind of cringe, that might be a version of the ick, you know, less intense, but still palpable. That instinct that cringe comes from a few places. Firstly, some theorists that it's really just secondhand embarrassment. The ick is a projection

of our own shame through criticism. When we see those slip ups, those things that we find awkward, we imagine ourselves in that position, and you know, maybe it's a combination of empathy and self awareness. But we feel what they're feeling, and we feel embarrassed and acknowledging that that other person is probably like vulnerable in that moment is

kind of really intense. And that vulnerability, if we're not ready for it yet, or if this person is just a random stranger, is quite confronting, and so it gives us this like really awkward, uncomfortable feeling that's like, oh, don't I'm going to look away from that. That kind of makes me feel a bit weird. There's also some theories that the I is actually perhaps our intuition working in our favor. Maybe it emerges from some previous negative association,

or it's a self defense strategy. But it also can be deliberate. It's a deliberate way to kind of get over someone by giving ourselves the inch, by imagining that person in a scenario that we know we're going to find unappealing. So a lot of that is based in some really nuanced social psychology, and we're going to explore all of those potential explanations and more alongside how it's maybe harming us after this shortbreak. So the ick is real,

we know it exists. I think we've all felt it, but what is the actual purpose, Where does it come from, why does it occur? So, like I said, there's a few theories, some scientific, some less so to deal with these very questions. So let's have a closer look at some of them. So I want to return to something

that we spoke about kind of briefly before. One possibility is that the ink that we feel towards really small, sometimes negligible things is actually a self defensive mechanism or strategy to protect us against relationship failure or fear of commit meant fear of intimacy or rejection sensitivity. The last one is really important here. If we constantly look for the flaws of others, we spend less time examining our own flaws. But we also get to pick up on

any opportunities that they might have to reject us. So that's where our hypervigilance towards their actions comes from. Hypervigilance towards ourselves that we want to project onto others to not feel that anxiety as intensely so humans, we are social creatures. I must say that every third episode because it is so true, and we are innately really driven

to seek proximity and security, acceptance and love. But if we feel threatened or confronted, we might look for ways to distance ourselves from this person out of a drive for self protection. Instead of acknowledging that feeling that fear, we search for something in someone else, and therefore we get the ick to you know, kind of stuff the

purpose of self preservation. In those vulnerable moments, maybe we are also looking for a reason to end things with someone because we just actually don't feel anything for them, but we don't want to admit that, Or we feel bad for rejecting someone because maybe there is nothing in particular that's wrong with them. They might be a perfectly

fine person. So our brains engage in something called post rationalization, going and search for an appropriate reason for a decision that we've already kind of inherently made, but we don't really have a justification for it yet. So because we don't have a legitimate reason, we settle on some other explanation.

We create an ick. You know, like one day I kind of noticed that his legs were too hairy, or he wore sneakers to the beach, or whatever it is that is not actually a huge factor in your relationship, but it is a reason that you can use to justify maybe a deeper decision that you don't really want to be with that person. So once again, not conscious,

not deliberate, but occurring in some kind of hidden way. Also, that ick might be a self created projection or proxy for some other dissatisfaction in your relationship that hasn't yet come to the surface, but we can already kind of sense. This links to the idea of a learned mental connection. Sometimes the things we find quote unquote repulsive, immediately awkward, surprisingly unattractive about someone all stems from a previous negative association.

Humans learned by repeated association, So that basically means that when we experience one stimulus and it elicits a certain emotional response, we start to believe that that stimulus will always elicit that emotional response. For example, if every time you eat a so food you feel sick, you will stop eating that food because your brain has learned that this food equals illness, or you will feel even discussed when you see it without having to taste it or

put it in your own mouth. These associations, they're often related to classical conditioning. They tell us what things to avoid because of a previous negative experience, without needing us to experience them again. But sometimes our brain can make the incorrect association. Say, for example, your ex would always cancel plans and ignore you, or didn't provide you with

affection or attention. That emotional experience is obviously going to elicit some really terrible feelings, and those feelings stay with us. But say this X of yours they also wore, you know, a particular kind of shoe they wore, I don't know, Timberlands or Vans or added as our brain in that situation makes the wrong association such that we begin to associate the shoes with the negative experience. And so maybe you go on a first date with someone. They're wearing

the Timberlands, they're wearing the vans. Immediate ick, immediate ick, and that ick is because of this previous negative association. So our brain is activating this pathway of disgust to kind of warn us to stay away, thinking that the stimulus this item is warning us of a similar emotional experience in our past, the one that we had with the bad ex. That Timberland example. I'm not gonna lie, it's actually a personal ick for me for that very reason.

It makes me think of someone that I used to be in a relationship with, and I squirm, and I immediately find that unattractive because it's a reminder of all the things that I really didn't like about that person. And it didn't have anything to do with their shoes. It had something to do with a lot, you know, a lot more than that. It was a lot deeper. But my brain has been like, all right, this thing is a clue for something else, so let's avoid this thing.

Maybe that kind of goes to show how the experience of getting the ick could also be interpreted as intuition, which is why when we get the ick towards someone we're seeing, we can't help but notice it and act on it. It kind of comes out of nowhere. Your intuition is an incredibly powerful tool when you understand it.

That feeling we sometimes get, that gut instinct, is a scientifically proven projection of all of our senses and our brain making use of past experiences, along with internal signals and cues from our environment to make a decision, maybe a decision that we wouldn't have made otherwise. Our brain picks up on things that we maybe don't consciously realize as of yet, so it might see something in this

person that our conscious mind does not. I don't know whether that is particularly correct or not, especially when it's based on something arbitrary, like you know, just doing something a little bit odd. I don't think think that's a really strong indicator of character or our potential for a future with someone, if that's what you want. But that is one school of thought that the ick comes from

some unknown, unidentifiable got instinct. But you know it may or may not be correct, but it's trying to protect you in some weird way, through some weird association, or maybe through some kind of pick up of something that you haven't really noticed consciously yet, even if it's slightly misgiven. But some people are also just super picky or even judgmental towards things that other people would forgive, that they

would ignore. If you chronically experience the ick for some reason, it may be because you yourself were raised in an environment of criticism and judgment. Your mum was always commenting on what people were wearing or small things that no one else would notice, determining that they meant something more. But now you're also notice those things you have learned from modeling your parents' behavior to have that kind of radar and hypervigilance to the small awkward quirks that all

of us have. It may also be because you have a sense of inadequacy, but instead of acknowledging that, you're displacing that feeling onto someone else to distract yourself. A lot of this comes from some really strange internal relationships that impact our ability to sustain a long term attraction to someone. You know, what I find really interesting is that some people even undergo what this one author calls the elective ickiness, choosing to deliberately think of someone in

an undignified situation to get over them. One of my friends actually posted a video about this the other day, being like, if you want to get over him, just imagine him asking a waiter for more water but they ignore him, or like, imagine him tripping over his shoelacers in that situation. You are deliberately creating scenarios in your head that you know will turn you off. There's kind of no coming back from that, but it's kind of

a brilliant emotional hack. If you know you shouldn't be attracted to someone like if they themselves are emotionally unavailable, or they're giving you mixed signals, or it's your ex and you really want to find a quick solution to turn that love and that attraction into disgust. I saw some other examples actually that I thought were so funny they made me laugh. But one of them was, like, imagine him eating spaghetti and he gets like red bits

all around his mouth. Or imagine him trying to pat a dog, but he, you know, the second he reaches for the dog, it like walks away, Like that's second hand embarrassment, that second hand cringe. That is the ick, you know. And in those situations, we discussed where it's appropriate, where you probably don't want to be attracted to this person anymore because it would create a negative outcome for you in the long term. You should totally average the ick.

You should feel that disgust to put up a necessary wall between yourself and that person. But if you are someone who experiences the chronic ick and cannot overcome it with every person you meet, even if they are a walking green flag, I think that that's indicating something deeper, more internal, more personal, that is going on. In those situations, or maybe you're just in a dating rut. You know, I've got one friend, God bless her, but it's almost

like clockwork. She goes on three dates with someone and she finds a reason to end it, and it's always something that most of us would see as pretty minor. But like I said before, your ix are personal, your ix are subjective, and they, you know, emerge not just from your preferences, but your relationship pattern, your willingness to accept emotional vulnerability, your willingness to realize that someone isn't

perfect and you have to be okay with that. It, no doubt, can be really hard when we constantly find something wrong with everyone and we listen to ours as if they are objective truth, because in those moments, we're really unable to ever meet someone at a deeper level because we're allowing ourselves to be distracted by something that's probably just super arbitrary and super innocuous and not really relevant to anything about the relationship on a deeper level.

So in those moments, here is what you need to ask yourself. Is this thing I'm seeing that I don't like actually a big deal? Is it a deal breaker? Is it a red flag or is it maybe just my mind making an inaccurate association, or or is it perpetuating my emotional unavailability by giving me an unexplainable reason to not have to go further with this person? Examine the ick? Why does that make you feel repulsed or why does it make you cringe at the other person?

And is that actually justified? You know, the ick is not a death sentence, and I want that to be super clear for my people who are worried they'll never recover from this chronic pattern of ickness. Literally my first date with my now boyfriend, and I hope he doesn't mind me saying this. He hadn't made any concrete plans on the day and I almost didn't go. I was like, this is icky. I'm getting the ick. I don't know

if we can recover from this. And now you know, we're super love and great and it's just part of the story. It's a funny little side quest. No one is ever going to be perfect. That's I think the core element of this conversation. No one is going to be perfect. And if that's what you're searching for, I

think you might be disappointed. And that's not to encourage you to settle or anything like that, but to accept that people have small quirks, you know, those fashion choices that you might not agree with, wearing goggles at the beach, God forbid. It's kind of all part of the package. So searching for perfection is kind of an impossible task.

It's a fruitless outcome. You're never going to find someone who isn't occasionally going to do something where you're a bit like, oh, that's a bit embarrassing, because humans are embarrassing. I'm embarrassing, you're embarrassing. We all do things that perhaps make us feel cringe and make us feel awkward and make us feel weird, and we would hope that someone else doesn't see this and immediately think that it's some

kind of broader judgment of our character. Treat the ick I guess like a relational junction, a relational challenge, a fork in the road. You can turn left and you can keep looking for that elusive perfect person who is going to complete you. Maybe this thing is a deal breaker, so you really don't want to be attracted to them anymore. Maybe this is a good thing, or you can accept that real intimacy involves accepting some one for who they are as they will hopefully do for you. True love

kind of defies the ick. Like we said before, it's kind of this point in your relationship, and I think it's an important point where if you are to experience the ick, it makes you decide like is this something I can overlook or is it like immediate discussed immediate, like vomit in my mouth, embarrassment. I do not want to be with this person anymore. Please don't touch me. You kind of have a choice. A is like, is that what this really is or is it, you know,

my brain trying to tell me something else. I think that's especially the case when the icks are quite arbitrary and small and can be overlooked. This was a really fun episode. I hope you enjoyed this brief psychological foray explanation of the world of the ick. Honestly, if you have experienced an ick, can you please DM me? I want to know your weirdest ix. No judgment, just curiosity,

please and thank you. I think it's such an interesting concept that we can be with someone and we're like, yes, they are amazing, so attractive, I want a future with them, and then they just do this one thing and suddenly that like tap of attraction and intimacy is like turned off. Like I think I understand it more now that we think about it from the intuition perspective or the defense

mechanism perspective. And if you're someone who has never experienced the ICK, I wonder if that's more associated with like a secure attachment style. That would be really fascinating to look into, because I think, especially with people who are avoidant, that would be a huge relationship. You know, the people who are avoidant obviously stray away and push away emotional intimacy, and maybe that's why they experience the ICK more because like we said, it is a proxy excuse to not

have to get closer to that person. I'm just rambling here. I think that would be such an interesting theory to look into. But I really do hope that you enjoyed this episode. I've freaking loved it. It was kind of fun, you know, Like I think it's one of those things where it's so often there is so much hidden psychology behind the things that just seem like super normal and just like a super casual part of our everyday vocabulary. And then when you examine it a bit further. There

is like this whole secret underground of explanations. So thank you so much for listening. As always, if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to give us a follow follow along so you get notified when I post new episodes. I just did all of my episode planning for November and December and also January, and let me say, there are some good episodes coming out that I am beyond

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