Transforming Trauma Into Strength: A Kidnapping Survivor's Perspective

But honestly , for people who've gone through something like me or it's just not just one thing , with many things in one , it just doesn't feel enough . And of course that's my personal perspective . So I tell people straight like it is I am an attempted murder survivor . I'm a kidnapping survivor . I survive torture , assault .

I'll break it down because I don't feel like just saying it was a violent crime really covers it or gives me justice , or gives it justice . So that's a little more about me .

There should be some leniency and understanding that you're not using it in a derogatory way . You're using it to empower the people who've been through these situations . You know what I mean . It's to empower them . Own that term . Yes , stop trying to monitor , sugar code and sensor what I've been through , because it's not fair .

So I don't want to see both sides , but I don't agree with it . I feel like there should be and I don't even know what they would , but definitely some stipulations or some exceptions made to those kinds of rules . Right , absolutely .

I had gone to school two hours away in the Poconos and as one of three girls a little bit like fighting for attention growing up , I was like a star . When I got there , you could not tell me nothing . I was that person . I'm trying not to curse too much , but like I was that girl period .

You couldn't tell me anything and honestly , I've still been channeling that energy despite , but it took a while to get back to that .

To begin with Sorry , if my son's playing video games , I'll have to get here .

I'd see him in line at the coffee shop or leave in the library , going in the library , talking to other people in that area on campus . So to me it was absolutely like he went to my school . We've made small talk . I thought I knew a lot about this guy , like I really did .

He offered me a ride home one day because I was leaving the library and I know it wasn't like dead of winter , only because there wasn't like full snow on the ground .

And the one day he had offered me a ride home , which at the time again in the coconut , in the winter you get a lot of snow and it's a lot of steep hills , and I was not a skinny girl and even though it was a winter at the time , it's still cold outside , to the point where I remember like I was pulled by a jacket shot and I was like , oh , I'm

trying to repair myself mentally , we're going outside , I'll do the cold . He had offered me a ride home and I accepted which . Growing up , your parents always like don't get in the car with strangers . But to me he wasn't like . I saw him all the time . I knew his favorite color , I knew like he had family , told me about his sisters , his mom , his dad .

I thought I knew everything . Instead of turning to the right to go to my dorm , he turned to the left , to the highway instead , and immediately then I'm like fuck , because in college you don't necessarily tell your friends where you're going , what you're doing , checking in location , all the things , because we just don't do that .

We stopped doing that when we left our parents . That's why we went away . So I think you're all saying we don't want to do that . So immediately I pull out my phone because I'm like this is not good . I got that inkling and he grabbed it out of my hands and I mean at that point , honestly , like my blood just went cold , because I was very sheltered .

I had never been in any kind of situation Like had I been raped when I was younger ? Yes , but I didn't have a full understanding of what exactly happened Even then . So for me it was just like this is the worst thing that has ever . Scarily happened to me . I've never even been scared , even surviving like abuse and stuff as a child .

Like this was scary as hell to me . And that's just goes to show you how mentally it's going to happen . But when we were driving he was just basically talking about how he was going to be together , all the things , because at this point he had an understood and recognized that shit was not going to happen .

Okay , like in his mind we were going to be together and this is just the way it's going to go . But we're driving up and down the same stretch of highway . Same stretch . It was maybe like , if I had to guess , a five or six mile stretch up and back . Now in the Poconos they have these turnoffs or side roads that they use for like run a way trucks .

It's like dirt roads with guardrails on the side . So if you're , let's say , outside of the car and you're looking down , it's like guardrail and nothing , one false move . And you're on a t-shirt , there's nothing there . So at one point he had pulled off on one of these roads and it was in front of like woods . There was like entrance to the woods there .

And the first time he pulled off he tried to pull me from the car . What not happened and I'm kicking , I'm punching , like I am not about it and he finally gave up and got back in the car .

We started back down the highway again , but now he's getting more aggressive with the way he's talking to me because I guess he started to understand it wasn't going to happen . And the second time , this time when we were on the highway , he pulled out . His Member will say that I'm trying to monitor a little bit to make it .

you're fine .

To be honest , like I was fresh 18 , there's no guidebook on what to do if you get kidnapped in the middle of the country and nowhere , where no one knows where you are and you have no phones . So I grabbed the wheel and it went like the car jerked and that kind of brought him back and he grabbed the wheel and we straightened out .

But I think at that point it really said into him that I was not about it . I didn't want him , I didn't want to be there . Take me to the home , we can die , I don't care , I just want to get off this bitch . And like in my mind I'm starting to wear down , which is

hard for me with my level of where I'm at now Thinking about it . But back then , to be honest , a little bitch , I didn't know nothing about anything . We can all say that about 18 , 19 . So he pulls off again , tried to pull me out again , still not having it and again Back on that a highway and up and down , but this time he's very aggressive .

You are never going home , no one knows where you are , you have no phone Well , all these different things and in my head like I started to believe him .

I really did , as sad as that sounds like at this point , in a bend , like we left when the sun was just starting to set it was well into nighttime by this point hours on that road Up and down same stretch .

The third time he pulled off on the barred rail road , I was ready to fight him again , to be honest , like I was ready to Dropkick this dude , chuck Norris style , to do whatever I had to . But I didn't have much flight left in me or somebody who had been like , talked down to and Degraded a lot in my childhood . It was just a trauma response .

It was just like slowly beating me down . And the third time you tried to pull me out on tense , I'm ready to kick , and it was an absolute no , because instead of just trying to yank me out , he had a knife and he put it against me and yanked me out of the car and I let him buy my hair , because what else am I gonna do at this point ?

I have no phone . I know who knows where I am . I just have to do what he says and hope that there's at some point a way that I can get out of this or Kick the sky in the balls like I wanted to . Sorry , try to throw a little joke to make it a little lighter .

But yeah , no , I'm right there with you , yeah so at the time he had leading me into the woods , a knife against my stomach , to the point where , even though it's dark , I had to be very careful where I was stepping because if I fell it was going in , directly in , and there's no way around that .

So not only is it dark , I can't see squat , I've no idea where I am . This dude's breath is on my neck , which makes me feel uncomfortable . I can't remember if it's stank or not , but I'm gonna assume it was like . I'm just gonna assume it for everybody else's purpose . We're just gonna assume it was stank breath and a knife against my stomach .

I'm like I have 80 pieces , 7 million different things are running through my head like escape plans Will live when I had nothing to put in a will , or is my mom ? Or what did I for dinner last night , because when you die you should know it's like dumb stuff in my head and just I don't remember like how long or how far we walked .

I would guesstimate and say maybe 30 minutes , 20 , 30 minutes . We were walking , at least it felt like that , but it wasn't very quick , even a situation , and I hate telling this part , to be honest , but what we got , far enough in , I guess for him . We couldn't see the headlights of a car anymore . It was like way off .

I didn't even know how far we went in again he like threw me to the ground and I Hate that it's so weak now . Looking at me then and I just laid there , I didn't even move . We're just like cool . This is where I'm at . I , in my head , knew I was gonna die . Period , gave up , I'm dead . Nobody knows where I am . I'm tired .

You know this for forever . I don't even know where I'm in the woods . I know he's got a knife . He made it clear to some degree that he had no intentions of taking me home . So in my head lock puzzle pieces fit . But you're dead . In my head he assaulted me for a really long time .

Honestly , that part I'm just not gonna get into detail because sure it's not important . I'm violated , assaulted and degraded me in every way that somebody could . I think that's enough detail to absolutely give an understanding .

But when he was done he kept playing with my hair now my dried , really long blonde hair at the time and he was like picking leaves out of it and smelling it and he kept making references to Rapunzel . Then , oddly enough , despite trial , rapunzel tangled is still my favorite Disney movie . I still love Rapunzel , well good .

That's what it felt like as somebody grew up watching cartoons like Batman , where they're all like chained up and locked up and you think it's their final moment and villain pose their whole plot and they somehow get out of it after . Literally what this felt like . Because he told me he didn't even go to my school .

He had a flat tire getting something , for his mom Saw me sitting outside the library and watched me as no one said hello to me . I didn't say hello to anyone else , I didn't check my phone , which to him meant no one gave a fuck about where I was or what I was doing and I had nobody to check in with . And he wasn't wrong at the time .

Yes , there are people

who love and care about me and yes , I could have checked in with people , but in reality in that moment , no , they didn't .

And After that he spent six months watching me Popping up where I would be so that I would talk to him to build a rapport , to eventually kidnap me , because in his mind , we were meant to be together , whether we had spoken beforehand or not and I knew that he had something wrong . I just don't know what .

Just by the way he talked it seemed very I Don't want to say I don't know how to explain it , but I don't say ill-bred , because that's ignorant but not very educated During this period . Now any other conversation we have was very brief , so I didn't notice these things about him . He just but it'd be ignorant to be like Can you read ?

Like two people in line at college you assume they know these things and that they're pretty somewhat educated . But he told me that he Literally watched me . I think that bothers me honestly , and I get upset thinking about it more than anything .

For six months , the day I met that man I was coming out of the bathroom and I dropped a book and he picked it up . I thought he was just walking by . That man was waiting under the stairs for me to come out of the bathroom .

He's fucking watching me and everything I did for six months , and I don't even know how long before that because I knew him like , let's say , four or six months . So before that he was just watching me . I assume six months . You know I'm saying is in my mind . That just makes it easier for me .

It's okay if you were watching me for two months before them , but I need longer . I can't handle even still . I couldn't handle that . Now I'm flattered , but but back then , like that's terrifying to think about and to some degree still is now .

And , yeah , I dropped a book coming out of the bathroom and he handed it to me and we struck up a conversation and that's why I started seeing him everywhere and we'd make the small talk .

And I have that man , after violating every part of me , tell me that he planned and staged all of that , destroyed me until this part right here where he said what would your mother think if she could see you now ? Now I idolize my mom Love hate for sure , but definitely idolized because she's been through a lot . She's a very tough woman .

So when he said that to me , it like snapped me back . Honestly I say if you'll the fire , and I mean it because I was like what would my mother think if she could see me right now ? What about my dad ? What about my sisters ? There's people waiting for me and I'm just laying here ready to die . It's okay from some guy who can't even grow hair .

Does he have much in my head again , trying to bring that humor , but that's how I felt , not about the hair thing , that's just an owl thing , but like in my head . I'm like my mom , my sisters , my younger sisters , like I have a niece , I have family , like people are waiting for me . What will they think ? Will they even know ?

Will people know what happened to me ? Or will I just be another statistic , or a body they find three months down the line with magnificent breasts ? Well , I just you know their body or statistic , honestly , because no one knows where I am . I don't even know where I am and we're the polka nose .

Nobody's gonna search here , wherever this is , you know , nobody saw me leave that I know of with him . So there's nothing . And that was just . Like you know what this guy and at this point he was torturing me , to be fair .

So the fact I give myself props because to have that mindset like fuck this guy , while I'm being stabbed and cut and tortured mercilessly for no reason that I could even compensate For him , like for me , like a few hours ago , buddy , you thought we were meant to be together and now you're trying to chop me to pieces . Please explain , please advise .

I don't understand . I still try to wrap my head around it and I can't . I've just learned that you're never going to be able to understand someone who's capable of doing those things . That's because you're not . That's what I've learned and how I've dealt with it . I can never comprehend anything he's done , because I would never do any of those things .

That takes one to know one kind of thing . To be honest , I consider it divine intervention that I survived . I really do . Divine meaning anything of a higher power , not anyone specific God , goddess or religion or faith .

I mean that as if something decided that was not my day to die , because when he was done torturing me and he started to dig deeper with that knife , it sounded like clear footsteps . It was distinct in a dead , silent night in the middle of nowhere . It sounded like footsteps , and he looked off , and then he took off running and left me there .

Here I am , cut closed-shredded carcass . At this point In my head I'm like yeah , I'm going to fucking , but also , at the same time , I'm like wait a minute . Whose footsteps were they , though ? Are there more people coming For me ? I literally just laid there with my eyes shut for such a long period of time .

Number one , trying to understand what just happened , because I couldn't even process it I was a child . And number two , fearful that something else is coming or that even he's waiting for me to get up to me like gotcha bitch that was my thing Like he's waiting for me somewhere around here . And then I'm like where the fuck do we even go ?

I don't know where I am . There's no lights , I have no phone . But thankfully , at some point when he was getting dressed , he did in fact drop my phone , which was in his pocket . Yes , so eventually , when I did muster up that strength , I'm like all right , we got this bitch , we're good .

I'm like I'm going to survive this , because it's one thing to die somebody kills you and you're done . It's another thing that they left you for dead and you just fucking laid there and died . That's another thing for me .

No insult or any kind of jab at anybody who has felt that way , because to some degree I understand and it takes a lot , but I was not having it . And when I'd gotten up this one , I noticed my phone Number one . This was after me . Coping with the fact that crackling twigs sounded like somebody was coming was enough for this man to run off .

I could have thrown a rock this whole time . You know what I mean . I could have did something . It would have worked , probably not , but , like in my head . It took a long time to cope with . Beyond that , is there someone coming ? Is he there for me ? Out of my body , what the fuck just happened ? Who am I ? What is going on ?

But I made an attempt on my life last year , april 9th actually , and I went to the hospital and it was the first time in my life that I wasn't on some kind of smoking , drinking , having friends over working , having my kid . There was no distraction , it was literally just me .

And that's when I started to unlock all of those memories , because the second I got in there , I manipulated , I could have signed myself out , but the second I picked up that pen I started smelling trees that were not there and I started feeling dirt under my feet but I had socks on and I was in a hospital .

I was like this is not good , we're gonna stay for a little bit because clearly something's not right . And immediately after that I was in that waiting room for 36 hours and I have no memory of any of that waiting room other than dropping the pen and deciding to stay , because after that I entirely relived everything that happened to me .

But my thing is , and what really confuses me , is most people , when these things happen , watch them either in their body or outside , right outside , both hovering , go see . But for me I was nowhere near me .

Like me , experiencing that part in the woods was literally from a sidebar and it's crazy to think about and believe it , because I don't even really want to believe it Because it's crazy , but it was when I started running forward because I saw him starting to get deeper with that knife , that man looked me in my eyes and took off running and I still can't

believe that . But I wholeheartedly know and believe that I saved myself that night Still divine intervention , but I wholeheartedly believe , as crazy as it sounds , that was me and that I did save myself . Somebody said before , when I've said this , that you can leave whether or not this is true , I don't know fractions of yourself .

Places and they say that's like a trauma response . You technically leave a fraction of I don't know if it's your soul , your spirit or whatever it is there and you can revisit and when you revisit you basically snap back together like magnets , so to speak , and that's why it happened the way it did , if that makes sense .

We won't get into there , but one of them that they diagnosed me with because of that situation in the hospital was psychosis . Now do I think I was psychosis ? No , they're all not delusional . That shit was real . But to that I can't imagine what I look like Probably Pharaoh . I took my bra .

I had no bra , what I did , what I was doing with the actions I could have been sitting there the whole time . I had no idea to them what it looked like . But at the same time , for me I do hear music . That's something I've always had . I consider it like a positive symptom of my mental health conditions .

Thanks for giving me one good thing and all these bad things like . It's positive , like walking into a boss battle of a video game , because as a borderline I don't really understand emotions , but whenever I feel a heightened sense of emotion , like an over emotion or just that's how I can describe it A heightened sense of emotion is the best way .

I'm trying to think of a better way , but there is none , just a heightened sense of emotion . I will start to hear music like orchestra type music , and it'll get louder , and that's . I'm like what is that ? And I don't watch TV , tv's not normally on . That's what I'm

starting to check . Is my son watching TV ? Is my phone ringing ? I'm checking around the house for things and I'm like no , that's me . Okay , what am I feeling ? And that's what I'm pulling out my emotion . Now I know what it is and I check and I'm like no , no , no , you're not suicidal , you're disappointed . Stop it . And that's when it starts to die down .

So it's like a boss battle in a video game . When you get close to the boss and the music starts playing , you're like wait , I don't have this shield , so you step back and then the music starts to fade . Literally the same thing . And I know that sounds insane , but I love it . I don't mind telling people about it .

It's again as many and I'm sure you understand negative symptoms that come with mental health conditions . That is something you can say that you actually enjoy or that is positive .

One of the questions I get asked a lot of responses I get is you were laughing during that and hell yeah , I was .

I don't trust the color of the car , like when you get traumatized , some things get distorted and that's okay . So for me , number one , I didn't tell anybody until last year what happened to me because , to be fair , I don't remember most of it . To me , growing up , with the kind of family that I had , it was like you were 18 and got kidnapped .

That's embarrassing . At the time , remember , I don't look at it that way , but now it's very clearly different because of more that I've unlocked in my brain . I'm like am I the baddest bitch I've ever lived ?

Yes , that's how I feel about it now , but at the time I started drinking , I started taking any depressants , I tried to go to therapy and it was To a point where the therapist that I was seeing because I had no idea what happened he was trying to connect dots that weren't connecting and I had a hard time Believing what I knew and what he was trying to

tell me , that I knew . I don't want to get too into detail about it because I never Shade therapy of any kind , but at the time it wasn't for me . So I started drinking for a long time , smoking weed , left college , had my son and honestly wore a mask , despite having these night terrors and no idea why .

Why is it that if somebody smiles at me a certain way a freak I'm out like why am I freaking out right now ? Or why , if his hand moves like that near someone's stomach , why am I freaking out like I had no idea ? But I never want it to know . To be fair , and it's okay to say at that point that I was a coward , that's fine .

I acknowledge that and have grown from that and I've learned to channel and be excited to tell my story , because with me telling my story , accepting that at one point I was a coward Because I was young and I didn't understand to now where I'm at , will help other people do the same .

And Again , with that , learning the difference between justice and revenge , I had to learn to forgive Someone that I never thought I could or would or deserved it , not because I felt like he did , but because I did , because by Telling my story number one , it gave voice to that little girl who's screaming inside of me to say something .

I deserve it Because I lost my entire identity . I had no idea who I was I'm still trying to figure that out as a side note , but we're getting there . But Learning that I don't need to know who he was . I don't need to know that anything good or bad happened to him .

I know that karma does its thing and that he's gonna get what's coming to him , whatever that may be . But the real portion of me was learning . That just only means what I need to do to move forward or move on or accept . That is what justice is to me . It's gonna mean something different to everyone else .

To some people it may be a Court hearing , it may be a court decision . It may be jail time for someone . For me , I don't need any of that . All I needed to know Was that a this happened to me . Be I survived and see . I'm not afraid to own what happened to me and tell my story , because that's what I deserve . That's my justice .

Telling my story is my justice .

I just mean I Was okay with not knowing and that it's cowardice Incarnate , and I don't see it as a negative way . Knowing that I felt that way and I did that for such a long time , I realized , with pros and cons of the calls and effects of doing that and , honestly , it's nice to feel something for a change .

But yeah , to be fair , I like to acknowledge that about myself then , because now it helps me move forward when things happen , to speak up right away . I'm not doing that again . Remember when you were coward is about telling this or feeling this or doing this . Look at how much you've learned and how much you've grown and what has happened since then .

Yeah , you know what I'm saying . So by doing that , yeah , it holds me accountable for anything that may happen in the future .

I'm not against the word helpless because it is a factual reality . It's just more like the mindset of helpless that people have trouble getting by there was nothing I could have done to fix . It is a good mindset to have , not if I had done this , that wouldn't happen , or if I , then this wouldn't happen , or if I had warned , this wouldn't happen .

That's the mindset a lot of people have . So for me to be able to say no , own it , this happens . You accept it , write it out , shout it . Write it out again , shout it again , maybe record it , delete it cuz you hate it . Record it three more times , still hate it . You know what I'm saying ?

And and just open your mouth and speak about it , because I think , again , with the word cowardice , it's not a word that I even like . I don't even think I've used that word in the last three years , to be honest . It's just not something . I don't even like to say that to people , but I think I might just insult some people and they deserve it Really .

All about perspective , because now what I thought was weak and what I thought was cowardice , I'm still accepting that as it is . But it's also very brave to protect me in that moment , because , even though what I'm looking at , or what I thought was cowardice , in reality was me protecting myself because I wasn't ready to Face those things , that's okay too .

But in a better world of at least accepting and acknowledging as society trauma and having those treatments Something back , it happened and we would have a safe place to go and say something fucked up just happened and it .

They don't understand and they never could , and I hope and I'm sure you hope that they never will . So you have to be okay with them making assumptions of your feelings or what they would do or how they would act , because the reality is what me and you have been through . I can't name five people that would survive .

We went through situations that were not made or the weak . We went through situations that people can say what they want about , but in reality it's never going to be the way they picture it . It's like when they make a movie adaptation of a book and it sucks . You can't hit everyone , but

for me , for example , I took seven years in Muay Thai . I couldn't kill that dude with my bare hands . Thinking about it . Now I sit here and do it to myself .

I'm going to knock Tim out , I'm going to kick him in his balls , all the things , but the reality is that's not what happened and I could speak on it and I could say that and I could literally , if somebody tried to do the same thing now and toast them like bread .

Okay , but at that moment in that time , no matter what I say , it didn't work out that way and that's what people are never going to understand and never be able to accept . So we just have to learn and it's hard , I still struggle with it too you just say , okay , thank you for sharing your perspective and let it rock Cause , no matter what .

At the end of the day and another portion of this , too , is make sure , when you find somebody that you want to share with , that you're sharing with someone who is capable of giving you the support that you need . I learned that the hard way .

A lot of the times we reach out to people that we want desperately to give us that love and affection and attention and support that we need , knowing they're not capable .

Like , for example , if you have , let's say , a mother who's not a very emotionally adept person and you're coming to her with something like this traumatic she's not going to be able to meet you halfway , you're going to feel worse , and then she's going to feel bad . She don't know how to handle it . It's just an example , but it holds true .

We tend to reach out to people that we know can't help us so that later down the line , when somebody says , why didn't you reach out , you could say I did and no one helped me because we didn't want to help in the first place . But I think with the situation and the , let's say , society we're moving into , it's become more of a safe place to speak out .

So now it's just more teaching people to remember that , to reach out to people the right way or the right types of people who can give you what you need Can't look for what you want . You got to look for what you actually need and can get . Like , my family is not big on emotions , to be fair , I'm a borderline , but whatever .

So for me , a lot of that like , for example , my family doesn't know my story , my family won't listen to any interviews , they won't listen to my story , they won't watch it online . What they want and what they will never get is us to sit around Kumbaya style , while I sit in the middle and tell them this . And I can never do that .

I can't do it Talking to you , sure , over the phone , sure , even in person from time to time I can but to look my family in the face and let them know what happened to me , especially my mother . It's different with your parents , because your parents , they need to protect you .

They do all the things to find out something like that happened and there was nothing that they could do to protect their child . I don't want to burden them with that information . So it's a constant struggle , even speaking out , after speaking out Even that Speaking out yes , speaking out is hard .

Telling your story is hard , but after is worse , because you reached that point where you're like who should I tell ? Who shouldn't I tell ? Should I just be open and loud with it ? Should I be public with it ? What's going to happen to me after ? Are people going to look at me differently ? Are people not going to accept that ?

Or people going to think I'm crazy ? You're going to get those naysayers anytime with anything you do . I could say I wore pink shoes yesterday and somebody's going to be like , ah , they were black when they were actually pink .

Even though they don't see your feet or your shoes , there's always somebody who's going to say , nope , they were black when they were in reality pink . So again , it's channeling that thought . Thank you for sharing your perspective . You don't understand , you weren't there , but it is what it is .

People always want to act like the tough guy and that they're like king of the world alphyship . But real strong people don't need to show they're strong . It shows them what they do and who they are and how they treat others . That's just what it is .

Yeah , what came for real , but , like I don't want to say I'm ever glad it happened , but I wouldn't change it Even the length of time , the downward spiral because , honestly , losing my sister in 2020 was really what jumpstarted all of this and after April of last year , surviving my attempt , we really would kickstart at the rest of it To me .

I feel like I wasn't even really alive until then . I just didn't even feel like a person . I didn't have an identity . I didn't care for one , I didn't care . I just wanted to constantly escape and do things that I'd have to be in the right frame of mind for sleeping , screwing , smoking , drinking anything to keep my mind off of me .

Because I didn't care who I was and I didn't love myself , even though I was so confident and I talked about it all the time and I taught people to be more confident about themselves . It was a lie to me . You know , I still do and I always do . Now I tell myself I'm a hard seven out of 10 in the mirror because I'm borderline in a God complex .

But I look in the mirror every day and compliment and tell myself I'm the best , I'm this , I'm that . But I never felt it . It was literally like not fake it till you make it , but say it until you believe that it's true , kind of thing because it already is .

Once I shared that story , I swear to you I felt , looked , acted very different , because it felt like locking into place two parts of me that have been very different the grown woman that I am now , with the experiences I've been through , and that young girl . Before that I couldn't even remember who she was . You know what I mean . I was like who's that ?

I look at pictures from high school like when did that happen ? You don't remember that , Honey . I got no memories from high school , nothing . It isn't blank slate . But now I'm locking those memories and moving forward in my process and working through things . I'm starting to remember things . I'm like , oh , yeah , do that now .

And yeah , because that's who you are , bitch Got it . So I'm really grateful to some degree that what I went through made me the person that I am today . I'm sure , to some degree , that you can attest to that .

But I realized I talked about so many other things that had nothing to do with being a mental health minorities , human trafficking . I've talked about so many other things . So I wanted to rebrand and cage things up because , honestly , I was in a very dark place even when I started that and what I did was take all those episodes down . There were 32 .

And in the background I've been editing them . I'm not deleting or taking away anything because they're still quality , they're funny , they're great , they're educational . I wanted to turn the fat , make them smaller and talk about really important things that people deserve to hear .

I've grown a lot through my interviewing people and with my foundation and just day-to-day conversations with myself and with a couple other people and just writing . I just realized so much that , even who I was when I started that in May , I don't even feel like a person anymore . So you know , it's funny and I'm gonna keep a lot of that .

I wanna show the growth in these new formatted episodes , which is really what I'm going for . So I am working on it .

I don't give myself a date , but I am hoping to have them out by this weekend , coming up not this morning , just because I feel like if I give myself a deadline or say hey here it comes and then it doesn't happen , I'm gonna feel disappointed and then at that point it's gonna feel like an obligation .

I don't ever want something that I'm passionate about to feel like an obligation ever . It's why I'm limited with my comedy . It's why I'm just limited , because I don't ever want anything ever again . I'm taking care of my child , which is not a love , even though it's an obligation to have a feeling like an obligation to me , because then I will do it .

I can attest to one of our first conversations because through talking in those conversations and how easy you made it for me to tell my story even though it wasn't the first time I definitely wasn't strong with jokes before then and I definitely wasn't easy with it you just gave me that platform to really tell it in a way where it was empowering for me and I

really do appreciate that . And we've gotten very close over the time and it's the same . Like what are we going to do this live ? And then I got banned on TikTok for a little while , but we're going to get to it . We just got to run around first , but I appreciate you taking that time and you know how transparent you are about everything .

Like you were a little shy about it , but you're like it got corrupted and I was like that's fine . You're like it is . I'm like it's fine . You know what I mean . Come on , talk to me .

As transparent you are about it and I'm afraid to say things and that just shows how comfortable we are with each other and I'm just so appreciative of you , and what you're doing here means a lot , and don't forget to give yourself that praise back , because if it were for people like you , people wouldn't have a platform to speak .

So you can say what you want about me , but I'm not giving people what you are . Well , thank you . Not that I'm not giving them something different . That's equally valuable , but what you're giving them inspires more . So for me it means so much more to do what you're doing , and I could never do it because I get emotional .

I'd be crying like I'd be holding hands through the phone , like I can't do it . I really give you props .

Follow us on Instagram , twitter , facebook and TikTok , where we will continue the conversation , share resources and provide support for survivors like you . Remember you're not alone . To all of our listeners , thank you for joining us again . Your resilience and willingness to heal is what makes this community strong .

As we embark on this journey together , let's remember that there is life after trauma . We can rise above it and create a future filled with hope and joy . Join us next week as we dive into the healing process and share more incredible stories of triumph and resilience .

Until then , take care of yourself and remember you deserve love , you deserve happiness and , above all , you deserve an abundance of healing .