Hi everyone, it's Carli here and welcome to you this week's Mojo Monday. So today I want to talk about a concept that I first heard from Russ Harris, who is the author of The Happiness Trap, brilliant book and an expert in acceptance and commitment therapy.
And it's called dead person's goals.
So let me explain, because I know that sounds a little gruesome, but a dead person's goal is any goal that a dead person could do better than you. And I know that sounds really weird, but it's actually a really helpful way to recognize the kind of goals that can really keep us stuck. So here are a few examples. I want to stop feeling anxious. I want to stop overthinking. I want to I never lose.
My temper again.
I want to just stop being so sensitive. And then here are some behavioral ones. I want to stop drinking alcohol, I want to stop emotional eating. I want to stop checking my phone all the time. Now, the thing is that these goals, what they have in common is that they're all about stopping something. They're about removing or avoiding something that's uncomfortable. So whether it's an emotion or a behavior, And here's the problem with this, or here's what can
be the problem. Dead people do those goals better than we do. Why Because they don't drink, they don't scroll on social media, they don't overthink, they never feel anxious, and they never get annoyed.
But you do.
Because you're alive and you're human, so you're engaged with the world around you, and that include these this landscape of emotions that we feel. It includes our habits, the things that we consistently do every single day, which includes the urges and the temptations and the frustrations. It includes all of it. So what's the alternative? What else can we do well given we are alive. Let's look at
this from a live person's goal. So that's a goal based on action, a goal based on intention and values, a goal you can actually do, rather than a goal to stop doing something. So let me give you some examples. So instead of I want to stop emotional eating, you could reframe this too, I want to nourish my body
with food that supports my energy and well being. Instead of I want to stop drinking wine every night, you could try I want to support my health and my sleep by creating an evening routine that helps me unwind with our alcohol. And then from there you set the
goals of the tasks. What you need to do instead of I want to stop checking my phone constantly, this is one that I need to do instead of that, I want to be more present by setting phone free times so I can focus on what's truly meaningful, like connecting with others or getting into deep work, and then you work out what that looks like for you. So these aren't about being a perfect person, but they are about aligning your actions with what matters. And here's where
it gets even more helpful. Behind every live person's goal is a value. So if being calm with your kids is important to you, that's a value.
If being present with the people around you.
Is important, then that's a value. If treating your body with care is important, then that's a value. So values give you direction. They act like a compass, and you don't have to feel one hundred percent motivated or in control to actually.
Live your values.
You just need to get really clear on what matters and then take that next step, that next small action in that direction. So if you're feeling stuck in I just want to stop doing this but I can't stop because let's face it, it's really hard to stop doing things. If that's your goal, then pause for a second and ask yourself, what do I want to move towards? What kind of person do I want to be in this situation,
and what value is important to me. So, if it's important that you are calm around your kids and that you want to be a good role model, but you find that you're getting angry and yelling at your kids, you want to that's what you want to stop doing. Then you get in touch with that value. I want to be a calm parent, I want to be a good role model for my kids. That's what you tap into because that's the shift from the dead person's goal
to the live person's goal. It goes from avoidance to engagement and from control trying to control your emotions to getting clear on what your actions are.
So this week, ask yourself, are you.
Setting or aiming for dead person's goals? What would a live values aligned goal look like instead? Because that's your compass. That's the compass pointing in the direction of how you want to behave in this situation, and how you want to behave despite how you feel. Because that's what you can control. You can't control the urgers, you can't control the emotions that come up. You ride those waves, but it's that values driven compass that points you in the
direction of how you want to behave. So this week, I invite you to reframe your goals, reframe them from a dead person's goal to a live person's goal, and make it about action, action that is aligned to what is deeply important to you. And then you consistently do those behaviors every single day. Okay, good luck everyone, and I hope you have a great week and I will see you next Monday. See ya.