The Nicky Glaiser podcastser.
Hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's the Nicky Laser Podcast. I'm in Los Angeles. Uh still, I am joined by three of my favorite people of all time.
Brian Franngie is here.
Hey, Brian, Hello, We're gonna we should clap for everybody, just like they do on the Pat McAfee show.
Oh yeah, I just.
That's why I'm wearing all this cold skiers. That's so fun, all of you being on the Pat McAfee.
It was so fun.
We'll talk about it because it came out of nowhere, and it only came out because I reached out to you guys. And then Chris Convey is here, Welcome back. Yeah, Chris conby everyone, and really that's a good, fun.
Fun And then Chris gets applause.
Yeah, it does feel good. And then Andrew Colin. Everyone back to the show. Andrew Colin, welcome.
Back, good to be back. Thank you for having me.
Yeah.
So I reached out to you guys because I was like, I forget who said it to me. But oh, I was at a podcast yesterday. We're here to help. Maybe it was them. I forget who I apologized whoever told me like, you need to like go hard in the sports world. What do all the sports shows?
I think it was.
Joe Jack Johnson, not Jack Johnson. What's his name over there, Jake Johnson.
So sorry, Jake.
I love you so much. I've never loved anyone more than Jake Johnson. I've been talking about him all like, I can't get over how great he is. But he was like, you need to spin this into something bigger, like you, you got to capitalize on this, get the word out on all the sports shows. So I texted all of you being like, what are the shows I should do? And Pat McAfee show is the one? Number one you guys each all of you said number one.
I knew those guys would love you. Yeah, I mean it was.
It was so much fun and I just did it and they had me on. You always know it's a good segment when they have you planned before they go it'll be a fifteen minute segment and then you're looking and it's like, oh, it's been.
Thirty for over thirty minutes.
Yeah.
Yeah, it was awesome.
I was sitting outside this building just like, uh, just watching it on YouTube.
Nice. Yeah, it was really fun. And and then you buzzed in.
Yeah, and that's the end of the story that I have nothing more to say than you got in the building.
Walk up the stairs, two flights.
Okay, nice.
You killed it, man, Yeah, you killed it on that.
But you guys all helped me.
I mean, I was Brian texted me a slew of things that I should talk about because you were a fan of the show.
And I mean, I love Pat McAfee, I love the cults. I love Pat McAfee. I'm so proud that Pat McAfee is like the number one sports analysts in the world and he was a cult.
Oh he's so I mean, I just had that conversation with him, and he was so fun and easy to talk to.
You were amazing on it. It was perfect. You set the perfect tone. You told a bunch of jokes. They were laughing, and it's perfect for that show, like they have a bunch of you know, hockey analysts, and then general manager. You you followed a general manager who also was a fan of your by the way, Oh really yeah, and the same team, the Bucks.
Well, I gotta come down Florida. Maybe that's my team too.
I got to pick a team, so that that. And then Andrew this morning was texting me a ton of jokes. We were like, maybe gonna roast Pat a little bit. Yeah, you had some funny ones. I don't even want to say him because I feel like I love Pat so much. I know he did not ask for it, so we'll we'll leave those out of there. But we had some really good joke.
He did not seem like he wanted to be roasting.
No, and you know what, like some people, I'm the same way, don't fucking ever. Anya still talks about a day on tour like years ago where she was roasting you, I guess Andrew, and she goes and Andrew's like, I'll come back at you, and she was like, come back at me. Let's see what you got. And Andrew said something that like she can't I'm not even gonna say what it was because she can't stop seeing it, and it's like literally affected herself esteem for the rest of her life.
Yes, I wrote it month before.
Every time Andrew sees somebody, he's like, well, if I have to roast somebody, it was.
It's because I was like the small little Jewish kid on the bus that was always picked on. So I had to. It was so easy to just be like jew, you know, and then I couldn't. I didn't have anything, like I had to like be creative.
Right right.
You can make fun of you for being Jewish, but then for all the Protestants and stuff, you have to come up with something about their personality.
Exactly, do Bryant? I can't.
My favorite, my favorite joke about being as a Jewish person was Amy Schumer saying that they used to throw pennies at her and call her, you know, jew and throw pennies and then she'd go like what like screws McDuck, like yes, like that is such a funny, but but yeah, it's it's it's horrible to be roasted.
I don't think anyone.
I would never I don't want it outside of that kind of arena, Literally, I I don't.
I would never want it.
I don't want to know anything about myself that anyone thinks is negative. It's it's when anyone starts a sentence like can I be honest with you? Or like hey, I've been thinking can you sit down? Like can we talk? I don't want because it's that to me is like there's some criticism coming your way and I literally can't handle it.
Yeah, but I don't mind looks like making it looks.
Really like because why because you can change it.
No, I I'm the most self deprecating. I mean, I think it's hilarious to make fun of looks. I think when it starts to get like, there's who you are, who you are and likely yeah, yeah, achievements or work ethic or my mom didn't love me, you'll never be as good as your brother.
Yes, know, you're right.
I think looks for me are so much worse. Obviously, it's just like what you kind of get your worth from, I guess, but I can get hit in other ways as well. But it's yeah, it's it's not it's not fun, and I'm glad I'm out of the woods on that where it's like the jokes that were made, I'm just like kind of over already, you know, you move on.
Yeah, like the one about you being old, Like it's fun.
It's a good joke though, Yeah, it was so fun. Yeah, it was really. I saw it in the prompter to.
Like right before he said, you know, he said, he's talking about Bill Belichick dating a young girl, and he's like, you coach, you need to date someone more your age, uh like Nicky. Like the way he delivered it was great too. And I saw like NICKI coming up and I go, here it comes. And you even saw his rehearsal set, and you you were what a good what a team player you are because you had some insider information.
You did not deflate the balls for me because you knew that Gronk was gonna call me old, but you just said, hey, I saw Gronk set. He does have a joke about you that tends to address the fact that your age is a number.
Like you said. You weren't even saying like old. You were like, your age is a number that is higher than other numbers. And I was like like, and I only read.
It after like, but it was I like that you like kind of had his back and were kind of supportive of the roast environment where I'm not supposed to know anything and you do have to.
I love playing fair. I hate cheating. I will.
That's why it kind of surprised me reading about Tom and even having Tom admit that he cheated kind of or saying no, it wasn't any mission plau deniability totally because he's that was so fun. He could just say you because his joke was like the investigation that you guys put on to find out if I had deflated these balls or knew about it, was you spent twenty million dollars, pay me to million million dollars, I'll tell you I did it. So he could just say I
was saying I would. I would just lie and say I did it for twenty million dollars. That is his deniability, but it's also could be taken as he admitted it, which was a very I loved that joke because it told that line.
Of what is he admitting a mission?
I think it. I think we all know it was because we he definitely didn't know.
J Simpsons, I did. That's what it was totally.
Also like deflating footballs, really, is that like such a huge deal?
I guess in the scheme of things it's not.
But if everyone is cheating I did, I probably would cheat if I'm just to be fair with everyone else.
We all know what they say.
If wait, hold on, I know it once again. If you if you're a cheating, you're not trying.
Basically is that it.
If you ain't cheating, you ain't try.
You've heard that, right, Bob Dylan had some line like that, No, he really did Bob Dylan out of line.
Like fuck the Jets.
I think, yeah, yeah, he said Tom Brady killed Anon Hernandez. I think that's what Bob Dylan said, and I remember he was out of Yeah, yeah, that was a Bob Dylan lyric of his new B side.
Well.
I just found out doing John Mullaney's UH Live show, which I was a fan like. I started out the week being like a fan of it, being like, man, I wish i could do that show and it's so funny, like it never a million years would I be on the Pat McAfee show to promote my special Someday You'll Die that's coming out on Saturday, last Saturday, because you're hearing this the week after, but this is the week, but we're taping it the week before. And then also
John Mullaney's show, I was not in. John knows of me were friendly and he's not. There's nothing, no reason I would not ever be on that show if it was in a long run. But they're only doing six episodes and I'm gonna be and they just wrote me this morning being like John wants to have you on.
We're not gonna harp on because I'm sure you don't want to. You don't want to get go too far into this. But Nicky is continued to be the toast of the town through this whole week. Like, I'm sure you guys, because everybody knows you guys are very close to Nicky as well. I'm sure people are texting you about how great Nicky was.
Not gain one single text.
I texted Brian, She's overrated.
I'm still getting things like pouring in being like I just saw the roast.
Nikki was the best.
It's to the point where if you didn't text me and you're like a friend of like, it's weird. It's like nothing like that. There's no birth you can skip my birthdays. People can forget my birthdays. They can forget me getting if I get have a baby, if I get married, if I have a special come out, like I don't care, right, no, no, not like I wouldn't do it now because the only reason I do it.
Yeah, right, that was a good joke.
Was that was a great joke that I have the I have the face of Tiffany Trump and the reproductive system of Baron or something or something like that.
And the hits of Trump is the tag we wrote for it. Andrew did it.
But uh, I now I really the only appeal to having a baby, what part of the peal would be, like this new identity you get to have, like I'm a mom, like look like and and I do think some moms do that, Like it's an identity of like I need a thing going on and I maybe there's a world in which that would have been interesting to me at some point down the line.
No interest.
Now I've I've summited Everest. I'm not gonna climb Killiman Jara. You know what I mean, Like, I don't why would you? I would never It's not even a consideration.
Your new identity now is being on every single show in podcast in America.
Yeah, that's just I've never been so beloved, Like, let me just say this, I've never I've never had a moment where everyone's just like happy for me, they like me the la times.
The headline was well done, Mickey.
I've never had any kind of like am I like make a wish kind of thing?
Yeah? Hey, the best he's were in on this early all you best.
Totally I always thought that locky for Taylor Swift.
I do feel like it's like that that article two and the other times I'm like, I do feel like I won the Super Bowl. I'm going to like the parade like it kind of feels like that kind of vibe in the air, and I'll it's gonna get annoying of me talking about it at some point, but I just I can't. I wish everyone could experience the love that I'm feeling from people.
You've been called the MVP, Yeah, which is kind of amazing because that's a big deal in sports.
That's the main deal. It's the biggest deal.
And I didn't know it was the biggest deal until I was talking to you about Hey, I'm going to rank Tom Brady's achievements here, all of them, and you go, well, MVPs first, and I go, really, being the MVP of the Super Bowl would be the first, and You're like, yeah, this's be it's up there. I'm like, I would just think that's like, that's fine, that's good, but I'm winning the super Bowl.
He's a big team guy. I think you probably down if you asked him, maybe if you if you went into his heart and really found the truth. MVP would be number one. Yeah, but winning the.
Super Bowl it is well, MVP of the super Bowl already implies that you've won the super.
Bowl is the same guy.
But like all team people, I think at their core are like they want like Tom Brady wants to be Tom Bradley, of course, but he is a generous person. But I think at your core you want to be the center of it. I don't know, speaking as Tom Brady.
We wouldn't know anything about it.
This much praise, it could get to the point where it starts to feel sarcastic, like can you just just read well done Nikki Glazer and like italics, Yeah, that's what's.
Been kind of the respect.
Like I've never been someone people have been like you're great and you work hard and like all these things, and I've agreed with it. I've never thought I've deserved anything more than that. I've never been like when is my day gonna come?
Ever?
I really haven't, but it has arrived where I am like the bell of the ball and cool people, the cool comedy people like me and are like welcome, like come hang with us, we do arenas and you are going to do those soon too, Like gave you.
A shout out on Flagrant.
It's nice.
It's nice to be Tim Welke. Tim Dillon welcomed me to the top tier.
He did didn't welcome me, but it felt like he's up there and he's like he gave me a hand and like pulled me up and he just said, you're on the top tier now.
It's it's a long time.
Like it was just a little but he acknowledged it. And it's like it does feel like I just got that like seven timers jacket arsenal or something.
Maybe you'll get the the farm now.
I want to get in these pedophile rings. Is that in coming? Yeah? Yeah?
Billionaire really yeah.
My friend's husband is a billionaire and he just got back from Necker Island.
Oh yeah, and I don't tell us what happened.
Isn't that the place where I've heard of this island? It's where like he was there with Richard Branson and.
Yes, yes it is the island.
Yeah, it's not good to own an island.
You shouldn't.
After Epstein, don't we all think that island an island no more?
Really?
Yeah?
See that's shady as well.
Yeah, you feel like island today.
Really Wow, Well there's no nothing weird there.
Only mister Beast has an island.
Oh that makes sense.
Yeah, I bet.
I bet they're like buying remember when everyone's buying stars. Yeah, I bet they're like that, Like there's just little dots everywhere that you.
Yeah, and there's a limited number.
And with the polar ice cap smelting, the rising, less islands.
Less islands, red skin yeah.
Yeah.
Also with the income inequality, just more people can afford to buy an island and less people can afford to live on that island that they're going to buy.
Yeah, who is going to run the island? Who's going to change your sheets? Who's going to iron your sheets? That's what rich people do. They have people iron their sheets. That's something that I only had one time when I was on a yacht and it felt totally stupid to me to do.
But I saw these women ironing sheets on a yacht.
Like it's just But I can't wait to be a part of that now.
And that's where my life is.
So we'll come back to the show, but I am going to be different. So we're gonna go on a break. But I'm gett even gonna change in.
The next five minutes after these commercials, So stay with us.
We'll be back at the day.
We're What are you Last night? What did we do?
We went to dinner with Rachel. Rachel Finzein and I went to dinner at Nobu and we show up and we're both wearing the same blazer that we both got from a Cynthia Rally show that we did. She had like comedians on this New York Fashion Week show a couple of years ago, and they like, let us go to their showroom and pick out stuff, and Rachel and I both picked out like this oversized pin and stripe blazer.
And last night we showed up at dinner and this was like a year and a half ago, two years ago that we did this, and we both were wearing the same blazer, and it felt I've never felt more. We were so happy to be wearing the same thing. That's a really magical moment in a girl's life. To best friends who would don'tee each other. We only see each other five times a year.
I was I was so happy that you guys went to dinner. But I was really jealous because I've always said, if I could you know when the people are like, if you go to dinner with five people, who would the five people be? And I would be like, I want five Rachel Feinstein's.
Yeah, well she there was. It was so fun.
And then Andrew joined us about forty five minutes and dropped in and yeah it was. She's so fucking funny.
Yeah, she's the best.
She really is, and.
She's nice and she could like I was like, Rachel, I really want to talk to you about like like I want to go deep with you, like I want to like I want to talk about everything. I go, can you are you cool with Andrew Cumming? Like can you get talk like that? And she's like, yeah, I don't care, like she just she'll I like that. She I like when people are like if I vouch for someone, well she already knows you. But if I vouch for someone like their a vault, you can be honest with them.
They'll be just as honest about their life that they trust me and go, yeah, he can hear about my marriage or my kids or my insecurities, but like whatever it is.
And she has a special coming out on Netflix.
Yeah maybe twenty first called big Guy. Big Guy one of my favorite comedians of all time. Watch our specials. Support female comedy. It's not even female comedy. It's like the best. She's so fucking funny. But yeah, big Guy on Netflix. I can't wait for even the trailer to come out. I'm so excited.
But yeah, we had a.
Netflix has amazing trailers too. I feel like sometimes the trailers are better than the show really often.
Yeah, because I asked her, I go watch, let me see your trailer, shees.
I don't think they do trailers.
Well, they do it on YouTube.
Yeah, oh okay. I think they just do clips and I go, you have a trailer.
Well, I don't know how those No, I don't know how the stand up specials go. But for regular shows, they'll do a trailer about a week a month before, a week before. Yeah, and they're almost half the time they're better than the show. Like, the trailers are so good, Like if I can just watch I used to go to the gym and like on the screen there there was a trailer channel. Sometimes you just watch movie trailers while running. And if I could just watch Netflix trailers, I could do a full workout.
Wow are they so? They're different than like movie trailers? You feel like that you.
Would see it.
They're similar, they're similar, but it just pumps you up for the show, and the show could never live up to the two because it's like highlights yeah and set.
To a song.
Yeah.
Like all the cuts are hitting, like when the beat kicks it like it's.
There's some like non sequiturs where you're like, you know, you're just doing kind of funny things and you're it kind of draws you and you're like, what is she doing here?
Yes?
What's this direct?
And a lot of I've gotten a lot of compliments on the trailer actually from people from people who like know what they're talking about.
I was like, oh, that's so nice.
But yeah, I mean I've uh one time, I've I've talked about a million times. But my favorite movie is the Social Network trailer. Yeah, it's the it's it's the greatest.
Oh no, no, no, it was. It's not that it's I'm.
A creep oh yeah yeah.
Then and it's like boys choir, yes, and it's scorse trailer. Oh so good, And David Fincher was like, hey, who can direct the trailer to my movie?
It's oh my god, it's like a music and it's weird that music videos aren't really getting like their short form, like why why are they dead?
Because there's nowhere to with them? It's just on.
Videos YouTube, but there's tons of places music video.
There's nowhere to put video content anymore.
There's where there's nowhere not to put video content.
It can be any I.
Feel like music is TikTok is just trailers for songs.
Oh really?
Yeah?
Yeah, you're getting like tell.
Me, like what's going on there? And like what do you spend your like what's your algorithm?
I have golf, I have random people getting knocked out.
On crime faces. I mean, I don't know.
Is there a genre of girls with amazing asses going up to drive, like going up to drive? Yeah there are, Yeah, they're always like these fit girls that like you just look at.
Their still camera from behind while they're swinging and it's really look at my swing, but it's really look at my ass.
Yes, it couldn't be more clear to look at their like it's just so I'm almost swing.
Isn't that good?
Well they don't even have a club in there?
What and so what out? Like what are you?
There's some musicians that you wantn't know that I know, are gonna blow up Jake Jill Maybe, oh yeah, Benson Boone, this Benson Boone, so you Benson Benson Boone.
When the song goes viral and it becomes trending on TikTok, then that song becomes the number one song on Spotify.
But people only will know.
Like these artists are saying that they'll go and they'll play the show, and everyone shows up and they just sing the one fifteen second part of the song that's from the TikTok.
Yeah, that could happen.
The song.
Yeah, they just repeat it seven times.
Sometimes a good thing is sometimes it digs into the past and resurrects a song that we all loved, Like it happened to Billy Joel with a couple of his songs. And there was that song that just that just got played, that was actually played at the Tom Brady Roast after party. It would never have been played if it did not trend on TikTok. It's I forgot the guy's name, but it's a you want to know where I've been, I've been trying to I can't.
Sing yeah, yeah, okay, don't so yeah no, I don't.
Think Yeah, I know it's a white guy that everyone used to think was black because his voice sounded so much like a soul singer.
Yeah, yeah, you.
Know, it's so good.
I have a song that is out now on Spotify and iTunes or songs. It's coming out tonight, I think as we're shooting this, but like it's out now when people are listening to this.
It's called Someday You'll Die. It's on Spotify. Besties know about it.
They've heard about it since the inception of it. They've been awaiting it. There's no bestie listening right now to the podcast who hasn't heard the song already, even you know, I play it during my lives, so they're well aware. So tell your friends, put it on your playlist, share it with people. Tim this morning, Tim Convey, your brother who wrote the song with me and helped produce or
it did produce. He sent me a lyric video that was made, but it's using all it's really cool that they did it, but it's using all like stock footage for every line. So it's like I get a text, I'm my best friend, and it's like a girl in bed getting a text, and then it's like, but I can't get out of bed, and she like can't get out of bed, and it's like it's all stocks see and say yes, and it just it feels like I was like, can we just say this was made by chat GBT, Like I don't want to say that I
paid anyone to do this because it's not good. It's not like there's nothing artistic about but I appreciate that it was made. But then there's also like, he goes, what ideas do you have for a lyric video? Can we still just use lyrics and maybe just put up a picture? But the like the fonts or even like live laugh love a little bit, like they try to do funny things with the fonts, And I'm like, it was a nice effort and I appreciate it, but I don't and I don't know the answer to what a
lyric video should be. But my idea I think I'm gonna shoot today is just me writing it and then we just because I like watching people write with like a cool marker like this is satisfied.
You like walking through a field? I mean, I don't know.
I would do a still shot of me walking down sunset singing the whole entire thing without without stopping.
That's a good idea.
Something like that.
I mean, that's how those go to Hollywood Forever Cemetery and walk through that.
Because someday you'll die.
Yeh okay, they were on something.
Okay.
Forrest Lawn, I went to Forest Lawn Cemetery. It was like the most depressing thing I've ever listen to. This, this is so bad, So I can't I shouldn't even tell this. It's too bad down like so okay, I tell you. It was right before Easter, and I kind of like cemetery. So I was walking through and uh, like I think, like anyway, walking through, and I'm just like looking at at different like gravestones, and they were decorated for Easter. So anything that was decorated for Easter.
I was like, Oh, these people, there's something current about this, and I would be kind of curious, so I'd go along. And I saw a gravestone of a kid that was has been dead for forty years and it was decorated with all of So somebody who's been coming for forty years and decorating the gravestone and the kid was only alive for six days.
WHOA.
So that person was going there at least every Easter and putting like children decorations. It was like, yeah, it was like touching.
Yeah, like absolutely, God's.
Also the day that Jesus came back to life, right yeah, but you so maybe it'll work.
Yeah, you had to like do a double take reading that. It just probably it just said like May eleven through May seventeen.
Yeah, it was like August like nineteen eighty two to like August sixth, nineteen eighty. Yeah, it's like August eleventh, nineteen eighty two. And you're like, oh my god.
Well I've been doing this joke on stage more in.
Six days than you did in six minutes. You know, it was close, it's closed. I don't know.
I wonder for longer. Yeah, I wonder when I did Yeah, well done, kid, well done, kiddy flowers.
But uh no, I di I do this joke about how people think their kid's gonna like we like, no one really needs your kids, stop having them, and we we get it. You think your kid's gonna cure cancer, but it's more likely your kids will get cancer. And I and I go, and that always doesn't do well because people picture kids with cancer and that's sad. But it is actually more likely that your kid, as a kid, will get cancer. It's just statistics. Then cure cancer, it's
one hundred percent, it's infinitely, infinitely more likely. That's just true, but it is offensive and it makes people sad. So now I go, it's more likely that you're your kid's not gonna cure cancer. It's probably gonna get cancer at some point in its lifetime when it is an old person. And then I go, because that's more palatable than saying
it they're getting cancer as a kid, isn't it. And then that now gets a laugh because I'm calling out like for some reason, both are true and both are sad, but like it's just so much like I find them very special. Uh No, that joke isn't in special, but the version I'm telling now will probably be in the next special because now it's working because I'm addressing the thing that is uncomfortable about it and now making a joke out of that.
It's crazy because you're special.
You had like an hour and forty five minutes a material going in and so much of it got cut.
Yeah it was it was too too much to take too much things. But the next special, I'm approaching at Rose style six minutes at a time.
Oh, wow, on it all trailers. I love that trailers love it.
Settleman. Sorry, Oh that's a guy I went to high school.
I have got a lot of Edelmans in my wife, and you're they're all gay, very common name, I think.
Actually Alex Edelman is bisexual.
So he came out for his special.
Yes special, he's back. Yeah.
Netflix wouldn't give him one unless he was interesting.
Do you think if you get kid cancer, though, and you die, you get you're more like people will show up for forty years? Would you rather have that? Or die of cancer at an old age and and people show up.
For I don't care because I'm dead, so I'd like to live longer.
Yeah, living longer is better.
Yeah, that'd be really sad if you just had to wait by your grave after you died, all the time waiting for people to come by, Like you're just sitting there being like I hope someone stops by.
I've never been to my grandparents grave.
Thing.
You should go. It actually feels nice to do it.
I love going to I don't know where it is.
Yeah, Actually, my one grandpa got buried in a cemetery and apparently they just put more bodies. They them, they stacked them up and we didn't like, it's no way us spooning somebody forever.
Yeah that's crazy, Well not really. I mean the the their body biodegrades after like you know, eight years, well they're bones, and that the bones are still lasts longer yet longer.
Yeah, sometimes there's mummified things like you see bones of like the bones like people are sacrificed and they put them in like a crazy like they're two people cradling each other. I want to be buried, like in a fetal like that would be cool to Like my bones are like so they think something I was like bludgeoned to death by someone, even though so in my casket I'm like crumpled so that when aliens discover me, they go, what happened on this bitch?
Yeah?
I like that. I want to be like blowing myself myself. Yeah yeah I could actually.
Because all of your muscle isn't stopping you, Like what's stopping you from I guess your spine or is it your fascia?
My big enough?
I mean, when it really comes down to it, enough, Yeah, I just.
Can't someone who was able to touch their mouth to it. There was some person I remember that.
Was like, well, there was like a rumor going around. I forgot who it was where someone got a rib removed.
Who was We had a joke about it the other day because I was going to talk about how Kim Kardashian like took quite a beating that night. But then the next night she was at the met Gallon. She was wearing a corset that was so painful looking. I mean literally, her waist was the size of her neck. It was no difference that small, and we were talking about like she had a rib removed, like Marilyn Manson, she either wanted to fit in the dresser or she
wanted to suck. Marilyn Manson's like, removing your.
Rib kind of makes sense because then they could like bond over, you know, but.
She would never because he's so white, was our joke. He's the whitest white person makeup.
Yeah, oh that's true.
Yeah I don't know. Yeah, he doesn't go full.
But there are cemeteries all across this world that are just like forgotten. Like you think there's some permanence in being buried in a cemetery and there's like cemeteries from the Civil War that are just covered up by a mall or just unmarked graves everywhere. Like you really can't step on a place on Earth where someone hasn't been laid to rest.
Right, I mean it makes sense. There's so many more dead people than they are alive people.
Well, how do you like, Okay, when when it's all over for Brian, what do you want to happen to That's a great question.
Remains frozen and then resurrected the technology.
Yeah, we don't talk about Brian's death.
It's not it's not a thing that happens now.
My dad, though we've talked about this, he's interested in a haunted forest. These are trees that have a little sack underneath of them where you can put the body in the sack so that it helps a tree grow, and then the tree is the thing you go see and not the gravestone. And in a bunch of trees like this, it's they call it a haunted four.
Oh god, that's so gross to think of, like a crumpled body like in a.
Saxon your energy or whatever.
You're Yeah, I don't mind being thrown into the ground. Just no casket.
Like the worms get you quicker and you become part of the earth. I like that better than being like it's going to take billions of millennia to go through the wood and the shellac on the wood and then the like, it won't.
Take billions of millennial you'll you'll biodegrade inside that coffin.
I don't care what the fuck happens. I literally, I've talked about this before. If you are someone who wants to fuck dead people, I'll give my body to Necker Felix.
I don't care if you fuck me.
I don't care. Hey, what would be the difference?
It doesn't I was gonna say the smell, but I don't even know about that. When it happened, I think I might be wetter. Involving fluid might be.
Biggest special ever.
Oh my god, that's so funny.
A plus plus clip it, clip it, Yes, that's clipped. You're getting clipped, brother.
But what do you want? What do you want to happen.
To your bod strapped to a chair donated to the military and shot at. Just give it to science. Science, Just do whatever science wants to do. If it can, like help a kid learn how to do surgery or it doesn't.
I don't care.
Well, you can't choose that when you donate it to science, you don't know where it's going to go. You might wind up getting strapped to a thing and shot with a missile.
But like I said, I don't care. Yeah, it's like whatever is useful.
They might study nacophilia.
I would like to be useful.
They might do a study with me, want to corpses and that might be science.
Couldn't care less.
Yeah, I don't care either.
That'll be used.
But you know what I do, even though I feel that way, Like in movies where people have to like like recover the body from like a war field, I always find that very moving.
Sure, yeah, and you know what, second thought on this, I do like the idea of a ashes spreading thing, Like I think that's very beautiful and I think that I would want that gift for my family and friends
to like have a closure moment like that. And there's just something about being lowered into the ground that is so sad and being kept Like I would like a place for them to go to like remember me and visit because I think that is important, Like a gravestone and maybe put a little bit of the ashes in that, but then the rest of the ashes, I don't know where you'd scatter it over the fucking Kia forum.
I'll tell you that.
Okay, where would you where would you want ashes? Right now? Because you let's say you could do it like a few places. What about Taylor.
Swists, Rhode Island Beach House Now I would say probably. God, that's such a good question right now. Maybe like my childhood home, like the like Cincinnati, Cincinnati, like the little like in like the little wooded area on the side. I think it's not even there, but like in the front yard where I used to run around as a little girl. Like I think that's I'm almost getting choked up thinking about it, Like that's like a that seems nice, even though I haven't been back there since I was six.
Yeah, what about it? Seems I don't know where were scattering them? About?
What are you doing up there?
You can put my ashes, I think, inside a dildo and give it to Burno, give her.
Not the plan.
Yeah, finally I can have a red penis for something like special to me. I hear up almost thinking about about it. It's crazy, what money I've got everything like.
Your childhood home.
Yeah. Remember I used to run around, cut that, clip it.
I mean I don't know, clip it, cut cut it out, burn it, running around.
I'm dead autism. I think I have it. I yeah, I don't know. I I get scared about cremation. I don't. For some reason, I.
Still think I could feel it.
Yeah, I'm crazier. You should be scared about getting lowered into the ground too. Then it's really cold.
Oh.
I had to do that for my grandpa.
Actually, that was the one I never you did go one time.
Just to dig it years before he died.
Get up kill his watch.
That was a present that I stole from my aunt. She doesn't know she's deaf, so she really is like clip it, clip it.
Don't do captions, captions if anything, turn it down a little.
You never know, so I.
Might just started hearing if it's loud enough.
You really do know. She got a lot of money. You know, she gets a lot of money. You never know. Science.
I had to shovel in the Jewish religion. You have to literally put the.
Dirty everyone takes.
Ah.
That was yeah, you know, just like hearing it hit the cast.
We all got to we send in the line and each got to do a thing.
Oh really, it was cool.
It's a nice tradition. Yeah, you guys got some good ones.
And then you also like let people you have like what's the morning? Yeah, the morning, yeah, yeah, that's really that's nice too.
Brings you food for a week.
It's like the.
Paid leave for a postpartum, paid leave of like of death. I feel like where it's like we take a little bit more time to I don't know why it's I'm comparing it to that, but some people like to give you no time.
They're just like, come back to work because child is a huge death, death to your body.
Yes, yes, I do think that sometimes all the time, but some people want it.
It was funny my grandpa got buried and then my grandma died like eight years later and got buried next to him, and I could just imagine him being so pissed, Oh my god that day, Like he's like, you know, I'm banging Hooters girls in heaven and now Grandma Salma, Yeah, I'm home movin.
Louis has a bit about that. I'm like, why are you He's good. We've touched on a couple of things and I'm like Louis has that bit too, Like I always got.
The bit about getting sucked as a body.
Yeah, like a medical student just gets an They just put an f on you and just slide you down a fucking shoes.
Yeah, Grandma, they put an F plus on it. And then there's the fucking the dead body. He's like, I want my body to be like the Willy Wonka, like someone comes out and you can come on my back and pretend I am your father.
Yes that I don't know that song. And until ticktock brought it back.
Yeah, well Timothy Shalloman brought back watch that chocolate.
I don't have to get it.
It's not good.
Literally, I'm not even kidding.
I felt the joke bubbling in you, and I had to get it, Like I literally felt it physically, the joke in your like stern them.
That's so funny.
I my grandma actually when so, my grandpa died probably ten years before she did, and you know, for the first five years, it was like, I can't wait to see Grandpa like my husband again. And then she started
getting dogs, like she got senior dogs. They would just give her dogs and then they would die and she would and then at the end of her life, she was like, I can't wait to see my dogs and I would be I literally was like, what about Grandpa And she was like, I'm good, Like I had a really good time with him while he was here, Like she was like he was kind of an asshole, like
kind of grumpy. She was constantly like catering to him, and it was like, it's a different It was a marriage of the forties, so like that's what it was.
So she was like, no, I don't.
Really want to have like one hundred kids together.
They had so many, ten kids and five miscarriages. Nancy, Jimmy, Michael, Julie, tom Or, Peggy, Chucky, Bobbies, Patty, Sally, Mom and Dad.
Wow, Yeahgy that time I did it.
Peggy, Yeah, your grandparents. It sounds like they all died like many years apart. It sounds like they never even.
Loved each other, because we all know that if they love each other, they die with.
Oh yes, that's exact sign. Okay, we're gonna go to break and come back with more after this. All right, we're back in the final stages of the show.
I don't know, Yeah it did quick.
I gotta go do three more podcasts. Today, I'm doing a comedy Bang Bang.
This is wild.
You're doing a tour of the world here. I can't imagine. This week is so packed. You you usually when you come to l A, you pack it with podcasts. You try to make it was already packed. Already it was packed, and now you're adding all this other It's like every five minutes, it's a new podcast you have to go to.
Yes, I got booked on Seth Myers, which was last week. I'm doing that next week. And then the John Mlaney thing just came through. But that's John Mulaney show is going to be. There's no preparation for it. I don't have to have a bit prepared. You just go out and you just laugh. Sure, and that's that's the joy.
I mean, you're gonna be so good on it too.
Because I love the show. So it's nice to be a fan of a show you're going into. I want to watch Last Nights. But yeah. I saw Nate Pargazzi the other night and he was like, I just got done with the Milaniy thing. He's like, you know, you just go out there. You just don't even know what's gonna happen. There's really nothing you can do. And it was just like it was like, Okay, that's just what I need to hear. Is like I was when he was saying that, I was like, oh, now I want to do.
It because it's just those situations.
Yes, I love no prep.
Yes, I like no reviewing, what we're gonna go over, not having to hit our marks. Oh and then it's done. I love that he said on his first show, like the show is never going to find its groove. Yes, so funny because that's it's such an insider term too.
That happens with all these TV shows like you're like, you know, Jimmy, TV shows.
Like like Nicky and Sarah Right, yeah, not safe. They never felt they weren't allowed to last long enough to find what they are.
Like even you watch early Conan's and it took them a little while to find their groove.
And when they couldn't believe it lasted, Oh my god. That I really recommend watching or listening to. Obviously, I recommended Hot Ones Conan, which was amazing and one of the best pieces of comedy ever. And then they had that he has on Doctor Arroyo, his doctor from Hot Ones on for a segment on his podcast, and it's on YouTube. Just type in doctor Arroyo. It is so
it's so funny. It's just like the comments underneath, which you know, comments helped me determine how I feel about it, are like this is a twenty minute masterclass in improv.
It's just it's really really good.
Right on hot Ones.
It was so subtle, just like the subtle.
I was tricked. At the beginning. I was like, this is this is it's a real doctor because he was so not purposely funny seeming that I was like, maybe this is a real guy who just doesn't know what to say. Yeah, And obviously by the end of it.
On the interview, he goes, you know, we just have to talk about some of your practices that you established during the hot Ones episode. People have questions, you know, when you took my pulse, you seem to be choking my neck, and he goes, I thought you wanted me to actually take your pulse away.
Nicky was like, you know what you like, we were like going to sleep, and I was like, oh, Nicky's probably asleep by now, and then.
She just kept laughing, and for like fifteen.
Minutes, I can never do that, Like, I'm never like cracking up the things I'm listening to as I'm going to bed, but I couldn't. I was like gasping. There's one where he goes, and then when you were checking you had me stick on my tongue at one point and checked my like tongue with the with the heart monitor, and he said, yeah, well that's how we did it. I needed to hear if there was any screaming going on, like you're talking about that. He goes, and it was dead.
Your tongue was dead, so it was good. And he goes, well, usually one would put that device on my chest to hear my heartbeat. And he just goes, oh, the idea of a heart It's just these subtle things that you're like, where are you even going up?
And that was so funny.
It's really there's so many more moments that are just so great to listen to.
But what do you guys.
Got you're yourself now?
I am a little bit, but it is it is. Uh, it's a good it's it is a good week to be me.
Lazier.
No, I thought you're gonna go third person. You might get there.
Nikki's feeling all right, Nikki.
I thought Nikki's gotta finish up the show. Yeah, no, I don't think I'll get to that. I uh, it does feel good though, to you know. Kim Kardashian DMed me yesterday.
What it feels like the lottery for like every morning You're like, what is gonna?
I know?
What did Kim say?
Kim was so nice and wrote, I mean I could read our conversation verbatim.
I think I will, But aren't you not supposed to do that? Yeah?
But I just feel like, yeah, I won't. I won't.
I did it last night on stage, but it wasn't like a taping. But because she didn't say anything that would be ever weird, like you just.
Said how amazing you weren't how funny?
Like if she would get offended by Like I was thinking about this, I was like, maybe I shouldn't have done that, And I go, well, if if she would get offended by me reading that, Like she's got to know that if she said something to me, I would not do that with something that was not good, you know, like she I hope she trusts me that I'm not just reading this because she sent me something. It's like I discerned that it was something that is readable, but
I do I knew that. I know that there is a part of her that's probably like this pitch'll just read anything I send her, which I would not do, Kim, if you ever hear this.
But yeah, I remember she wrote like Kanye had p Diddy, Yes, right, and now when she wrote something like that something like that, I can't remember exactly.
She just said a great job, which she had.
I mean, she had to like write a Nikki like she had to type it in like I'm thinking about like her like beautiful nails, clicking on it like typing nikki, Oh is.
It two k's or one?
Like yeah, and then she had to go to it and then she had to go to like mess like it's like a lot of things that I was just like, oh. And then she just wrote me a really nice message saying congrats. And then I was like, no you Yeah, I said, I was trying to make eye contact with you the whole damn show because I wanted to tell you you fucking killed and you like you were just so impressive, and I said, which was no surprise because of how elite your SNL monologue was but you really
killed it. And I'm and she was like, I don't know how you do that. It's like it's it's low key abuse or something like. She was like, it's abuse, and I go, you do know how I did it because you did it. I go, you did it too, and you did it so well. And then she was like she hearted that, and I just wrote like she said something else, and I said, we are brave.
Exclamation mark, and she hearted it.
So that was the end of it, right, But like, yeah, but you know, ironic thing. The ironic thing is is that so many times people call that family not talented, like why are they famous? And I didn't even think about that kind of notion about them, even though I literally read jokes about Kim that were pitched to me this week to maybe do that we're like addressing that they don't have talent, and I literally wrote in that like you are so talented, because that was talented to
be able to. First of all, whatever happened at the beginning, which by the way, the boo I met someone who knows who started it and they were starting.
It as a joke.
Wow, and it caught fire like it just like it was a gasoline over the crowd and a little bit of both, because they were just ready to boot, Like it could have been anyone that wasn't that is like associated with.
That kind of part of our pop culture.
Sure were.
They were booing like football teams and stuff too that were anti Patriots.
I thought it might be a swift rid.
I booed Tom because he said fuck the cults. I booed him. I was the only one booish, sure.
Like that was the kind of night it was.
It was boo heavy, but like she got fucked on that boo and it was some comedian, some asshole comedian that did it as a joke and didn't expect her to catch on, and it wasn't because I thought it was a swifty thing. Like I was like disappointed on behalf of Swifties, for like, if that's what this is about. But I think it was just got out of hand. It was just people being jealous obviously of her fame and her power and all the like.
That was what it was. But for her to like not.
Address it but kind of like look like a little disappointed like that, she just handled it so well and then she sat there the rest of the fucking show. She went up like almost right after me. I think there was one after me, and then she went up. That's a long She sat there for two hours whenever. A lot of people that made appearances in the crowd left after their appearances. They didn't want to say the whole show because they had other shit to do. Kim
Kardashians other shit to do. She had to go to the Metcala the next day. She probably flew the Red Eye, but she sat there and waited for Tom Brady's set, and I thought that was really.
Cool of her.
You can think what you want about Kim, but in order to get that famous, you need to have talent. You can't get that famous. There's a lot of hot, rich girls who are not as famous as Kim Kardashian, and it's because they don't have the talent that she does. It's just impossible to do.
And just because the talent doesn't look like singing or dancing or acting or whatever you think it does like it is about sustaining a public image, captivating. It takes hard work to look at interesting.
Is a talent being yes, doing things like just not making mistakes at public appearances, and you know planning and your whole public image. Her whole job is to cultivate a public image. Yes, and that's a talent and that.
Comes from her.
Yes, she might hire people to help her with her image, but she's hiring those people. She's the taste maker at the top. So I will never I'll always be in her sight. That ass that like, no, I mean that the body.
Is insane, and that asked that that.
But what's your public image? Mine? Guy to eats chicken salad with his hands.
And with that we have to go.
Cultivated you so much. That happened before I would hope. So my.
Story, ever was when one day I got us tie food. We were our hotel room. We only had one hotel room. The other one wasn't clean yet, so we were just hanging in the hotel room before.
Night of shows.
The ty Food arrives. There's no utensils. I go down to go get some and I come back up and he is using the ice tongs, which is as.
Yeah, yeah, but it was just.
It's a big but I always uses the coffee stirs, use a shop stet and that really does work.
But that was the next level and I loved it. But yeah, hands. I've seen a lot.
Yeah, tongs is a strong move because they're on there.
I don't know. I guess they use them with ice.
The huh tom Brady, Tom Brady, that's what we're calling you.
Okay, gotta go. Don't be killing you guys. Check me out.
I'm gonna be in Vegas this weekend with David Spade, tons of torn Eidsnicky Glazer dot com. There's the song. There's a special spread the word. I love you guys so much, love you, busties. I'll never get big enough for you. I promise a lot of besties have been like, please, don't change, never forget us.
I would never. I love you.
Don't be calling and I would never just texting Kim K right now?
Yeah, KIMK who.
You're my only best I love you guys. Okay, see you
Four