#97 The Ginger After Wasabi

and going. Let's just have the whole episode. Happy Labor Day everyone, How are you feeling out there? Snuck up on me? I'll tell you that holidays don't register for me unless it's like Christmas like these like um extended weekend ones, because you know, I've never had a job that like takes off weekends anyway, so it doesn't really compute. But I do get to go have lunch with my sister today after this show, which is a treat. She's pregnant,

she has two small children. She's a teacher, and um, yeah, so I'm looking forward to that. It's like, yeah, we haven't talked in so long. I recently gave her a book that is opening her mind to things that I've been like on board with for a while. I told you about this book. It's called Running on Empty. It's for anyone who has um good parents, like parents that you're like, wow, on paper, they're pretty deece, like no complaints. I mean here and there there's obnoxious things, but like

why am I so jacked up? And um, it just talks about It's called emotional um fuck neglect. And everyone does it to their kids, no matter how good of a parent you are, So it kind of gives them. It gives any parent, even with the ones that are listening maybe to this podcast and out, and it really helps you like empathize with yourself and with your parents in the situation and realize that you will do it too.

So I gave it to my sister to be like, hey, read this because you're for your own kids and for yourself, because I feel like parents always feel like I'm sucking on my kid this one thing I did, And it's like, yeah, you're right, you are sucking up your kids because of that one thing you did that you couldn't help doing, that was a product of you being distracted by your phone, not addressing their feelings in the moment, like those little infractions do lead to stuff down the road, but you

can't help it. You're not a bad person. It happened to you, So it's, uh, it's interesting. So I gave you this book, and she's just kind of like she's finally talking a language that I've been wanting to talk with anyone in my family for a while, like I would. I have been going to therapy forever, and she never really has because she just didn't really need to. I don't think there was never any like a dire situation

for her. But now she's reading this book and she's very smart, and so she's just being able to pick up on stuff that she's like, Oh so this that like she's just the other night she called me to be like this book is wild, Like it's opening my mind. I was like, welcome to the club. Let's do a book club where we talk about mom and dad um

in a loving way. That's the thing. It's like, I don't I'm not even scared about if they heard this, because this book like helps you feel good about everything that happened and forgive yourself because I don't know, I've talked about it before, but in case you didn't, if I'm sorry that this is repetitive or redundant, or if that sentence was, which it definitely was, I'm sorry if I'm saying this again and it's redundant how I wrote, UM, but it's just about how a lot of kids that

did that came from quote unquote good families. UM. When they get pucked up, they blame themselves because they go nothing, I can't point to anything. But the thing is you can point to things you just don't know it, and this book teaches you what to point at and go it's your fault, not mine. That's what therapy is. Why doesn't anyone want to go to therapy? It honestly lets you off the hook for stuff that you are ashamed about. That's what therapy is. For everyone who's like scared of it.

It's awesome. It teaches you to blame your parents, and then you feel like a little bit like okay, and then you learned that it's not even their fault that they did that, and then you blame their parents and it just keeps going down until your whole family tree is a just needs to be chopped down and you go, let's just end the cycle. But that's the thing. You end the cycle because you just keep doing the same

things insidiously. Which I use that word a lot, and I'm not sure that it's even appropriate here, but it's like when you in ways that are not perceptible or maybe that you don't even know, you just continue doing

these things because they feel good. I have a friend who like grew up just never feeling like I grew up in a family of like two different families that like parents remarried, and like he was the only product of this couple and then that couple went off to have kids, and so just he never felt like he belonged anywhere and like always felt like an outsider kind of.

And man, if this guy didn't like perfectly construct a relationship to mimic that exact situation where it's like and it's it's almost like they they went to a they planned it out and got like blueprints and we're like, okay, I want to exactly replicate this, but they didn't even have to. It's just subconscious. It's very interesting. I love

this stuff. I told my parents yesterday, I want to go back to school and like learn more I mean, I guess I could just read books, but I feel like I want some sort of degree or some thing, because you know these like armchair therapists that don't really

have the credentials. I don't want to be like a life coach, but I do love this stuff, and I feel like, I don't know, most days, not today, I'm a little bit all over the place, but most days I feel like I can kind of read this stuff and synthesize it and then kind of maybe twisted and put into Layman's terms and or a way that makes people able to grasp it more. I don't know. Some people told me that last week, and I was like, yeah, that's my talent um. So I don't know. I'm thinking

about going and taking classes or like going for some degree. Know, how long does it take to get like a master's in like a master's like, Like I I honestly would want to get like a a like because that's when people start like, um calling this they talk to you in master mode. Like that's when people start treating you like, oh, she knows what she's talking about, because you're like, well, I have a master's in this, you know what I mean? You have like light years or something. Funk. Really, what

if I have a bachelor's of nothing? Yeah, you already have your bachelor's another four years and my bachelor's in like English Lit or some bullshit. I don't even know, to be honest with you, So then I do I have four years already? Uh? Well, masters, it's like a it's like a focus. I don't have a master's and telling me how masters work. It's like a focus. Yes, So I feel like I just don't want to write a like a thirty page paper, you know what. No,

I'm not going back to school. You know. The last day I turned into fucking essay was a great day in my life where it was like, this is the last time I'm going to use Courier font new to stretch out these words double space, um it. I was like I remember. And when they would go, oh, it needs to be two to three pages, do you remember what the essay was or the class it was? You know, it was some like um, you know Chaucer or uh Elizabeth Bennett Waite, who is that? That's from Pride and Prejudice?

It was like Jane Austin. It was some class of like classical literature. That um or it was just some bullshit class that I didn't want. I really do forget, but I was so good at just being like the concepts in this book reflect the author's own life struggles and this character, and I would just bullshit my way through it. I did barely graduate, though, because I was taking an extracurricular to fill out some credits. It was guitar. Uh,

you know, ironically enough, which is my passion now. Um, but I was in a guitar class with a bunch of freshmen. I was a senior because I needed this credit and I just needed a D. I just needed to pass. It was like past fail And I got a D in guitar because I was not even going. It wasn't because I was like terrible. It wasn't even trying. And um, if I would have gotten an F, I would have not graduated. But I got that D. Oh, I got those d s and uh and got through it.

But I just I just remember the last time I had to like I don't even remember what it was, but the last time I turned in something, the last time my baby sat, like the last time I had like a job that I didn't want. I remember all those moments and I don't want to go back to that, but I don't know, it could be a cool challenge. Um, maybe I should just read more books. And the thing is,

people don't even need credentials. I went to a crazy therapist who I truly don't even know if she was accredited or had any kind of training, and I went to her for years and gave her so much money, cash under the table, and you know, And not that I want to be that kind of therapist or you know, but I was thinking of, you know, the more I'm on stage doing stand up, I'm just like, God, why

does everything have to be funny? Like sometimes I just have an interesting thing to say, and I don't want it to be like let him you know, Like, yes, I like comedy, but sometimes I'm like, what is this saying? I mean, I get people like escape and they laugh and stuff, but I'm just getting kind of like I know how to do that. I just sometimes I'm up there and I'm like, wait, I want to tell you about this really cool thing I know that like might

help your relationship. I'm like, I'm I'm tempted to do like self help, like Burnee Brown. And then I was thinking about it, and I was like, Burnee Brown's like Netflix special, comedy special. She had comedy it, by the way, and the bar is so low for self help people to be funny. They say like one thing, like and then my husband and my husband and I have never

been closer. I mean, he still doesn't do the dishes, and people are like, oh my god, she they lose that they're growing in the aisles, like you're the funniest ever. Burnee Brown actually is funny, But you know, why does everything have to be? I just feel like once you're a comedian, you're like you have to do comedy or you like get out, Like why can't it kind of Um,

I don't know what I'm saying. I just there are times when I'm on stage and I'm like, funk, I don't have a punch line for this, but I really want to say this because it might like make someone's life better, and um, and I'm allowed to do that, by the way. Like I just my dad, I was telling my parents said yesterday and I was like, I think my first foray into self help is going to be like my book. I think I want to try to, you know, hit that kind of tone in between comedy

and self help or what I've learned. And and by the way, it doesn't mean in my life has to be perfect if we all went to therapists whose lives were perfect, well we all think we do, but let me just be honest with you. I have a lot of friends whose parents are therapists and their parents are terrible. And some people know better than they act. You know, we all we all know that you can give better advice than you actually treat yourself. So I told my parents.

I was like, I think this book is going to be my first foray into like entering self help genre. And my dad was like, I'm still can be funny, right, just like they picked me up from the airport yesterday and I was on the spield about like I don't know stand ups, not just like doing it for me anymore. I don't want to make like fart jokes every like I just hate that everything has to have a joke or then people are like it wasn't funny, and it's like,

can't it just be interesting? But I get it, Like people want to go see a comedy show, I'm going to deliver comedy. Don't worry, It's just like sometimes comedy doesn't like change people's lives. And I know you're like, I'm not going to see comedy. Do you get my life changed? Well? Anyway, I said that to my Daddy's like, so your book is going to be just like it's not gonna it's not gonna be funny. And I'm just like, do you think that I would do anything that wasn't funny?

Like do you think that I'm ever going to not be funny? Like even when I'm talking about wanting to kill myself, I'm still funny, or like you know, there's always of course it is. I don't know why I tell my parents things. Do you guys do this too? I think like everyone does this. You tell your parents something that you know they're not going to have the

response you want. What are you looking for? It's almost like you're like, like, you know, baiting them to upset you or say the wrong thing so that you can be justified. Like I think I do that sometimes where I'm like I'm just I say things and I don't know what I wanted. I actually I wanted them to be like that's really cool, Nick, We're really excited for you, instead of like, well, you're so You're just not gonna

be funny anymore. It's like, well, I didn't say that, you they Sometimes I just think my dad and my mom think that I make terrible decisions with my career, like I am going to just one day do self help porn or something like the worst thing I could do, like that, I'm just gonna Does someone ever ask you a question? You go, do you know me? Do you

think I'm where? You go? You do? We're talking about this um one of the first episodes when someone gives you a gift and you go, we can't be friends anymore because you think I would want this, or you think I would enjoy this, or someone suggests a movie that you would like or a book, and you're like, I thought this person knew me. And that's sometimes when

my parents asked me something so nicker. You just like, so, you're never gonna brush your hair again, and just like or so you just don't, uh, you're never gonna If I'm bitching about like makeup and being a woman and how I resent it, and you know, you know this is back in the day when I was pitching about you know, the just the expectations for women and I

was frustrated by it. They'd be like, well, so you're just not gonna brush your You're just gonna shave your head and uh, you know, have everyone call you Nicholas, and it's just like, no, that would be very out of left field. I hope that if you thought that about me, you would tell you would maybe like confront me before now, you know. That's the thing. I think

that's the thing that I get really upset about. Do you guys have this thing too, where you you get really upset when people they confront you about something in a way like that You're having a conversation and they go, so you're just gonna shave your head and give up your life and move to the woods, and you go, if you thought, if you actually thought I was gonna

do that, why didn't you talk to me sooner? And I think it stems from when I was, uh, you know, had a disease that no one would tell me that I had, even though I kind of knew I had it but didn't know it was a disease. I thought I was like doing it myself secretly, but it was, you know, slowly killing me. Everyone was whispering behind my back, and no one told me until it was taken away by the fucking state. Um, and that bothers me when

you know there's that's I'm super paranoid about that. That's why, you know, I don't want to references ever too much. But the Reddit thing bothered me because from last two weeks ago, because it seemed like there was this like elephant in the room that everyone else is talking about me and the people closest to me aren't saying anything. And that's but that wasn't the case, you know, And that bothers me is like when people don't have the balls to like be worried about you to your face.

I know it's scary. I've been worried about friends and like not said anything because I'm and a lot of times, especially addicts or whatever, they do not respond. Well, we've all seen intervention. But that's that people talking about me behind my back, not in a negative way. I don't care if people are like Nikki like is annoying, or Nikki is thirsty, or Nikki is loud and mean, like I can handle that. Yes, I agree with all of those things, but a mental instability where you think I'm

gonna like hurt myself or someone. Why would you keep that inside? That bothers me and it makes me feel like everyone just thinks I'm crazy and that I might be crazy, because that's the big fear when you start to lose your mind, as like an old person, you know, when people are like we gotta take away Grandma's car keys, Like grandma doesn't know. Bring grandma into those discussions. She's not gonna remember it. She's gonna forget about in two seconds.

But like that, whispering and worrying about someone behind their back for ages until the state gets involved, because you're too much of a pussy to confront someone you love. I can't tolerate that. Maybe I'm projecting. Maybe I've done this in my past. Probably This was a long and winding road to bringing in Andrew, who is in Chicago. He got off the plane yesterday. We flew back from Wisconsin.

I did a casino there on Saturday night with Andrew and Maddie Weener, who is hilarious twenty two year old comedian who is so funny that it's like, I mean, it was kind of seeing Maddie that I was like, I don't want to I can't do this any like her jokes are. It's so dense of jokes. It's like the way I used to really enjoy writing and sitting down and being like, how many jokes can I get out of this? And it's not I can do that. I just don't. Really, I will do it because that's

what people want from me. I don't get the same joy from it, you know. She really it's just fantastic. And watching her, you know, I like, I asked her to open for me because I saw her um just for laugh set and she's twenty two, and I was so impressed that I go, I gotta bring this bitch on the road because I need to step up my game. I like having people in front of me that do extraordinarily well that people can compare me too, so that then I get competitive and it makes me work harder,

if that makes sense. But if anything, it didn't make me competitive. I was like, baby bird, you go fly. I'm gonna go burn a brown out over here, and maybe I'll see you there when you turn thirty seven. And the entire of making jokes about things that don't matter, actually, Maddie actually talks about things that that matter. She has a great joke about about the body positive movement and how she's like, you know, all these like girls are

on Instagram. They're bigger girls, and they're like it's like being fat is amazing and it's it's great and look at it. She's like, but they're all hot, Like they're all hot. She was like, I want to see buddy buzz a movement for like poor fat, like that just fat all in the shoulders, like Walmart fat. Like these girls look like just like a hot girl ate a Mario mushroom. There's like they're taught. You could like throw a penny at them and they're it just pops right off.

And it's just so her deconstruct and of that um topic is fascinating and kind of what I've I've been kind of circling around. And I love when there's like a topic that I'm like, Yeah, why do we like Adele? We like because she's we go, oh, she's bigger and she's beautiful a Lizzo. These women are like proportionately like bigger women that were just like yes, but like there's a different kind of and I can't say this as a a twiggy bitch. I'm trying to lanky a bitch.

I'm not. I'm just saying I hate when people uplift a certain thing and go it's okay, We're fine with it. And it's like, you can only give me two examples of when it's okay. And the only the only reason that we really embrace them is not because we're like, they're beautiful. It's either they're model beautiful or they're super talented. Otherwise if you're if you're fat, we got to see a talent out of you, otherwise it's going to be a problem. And give me an example of when that's

not real? And and um, and I mean, I guess that's true for anyone, even hot models were like, can you do anything else? No, that's not true. Actually, models we just except for what they are. So I don't know. I rest my case. Andrew Hey, Andrew, Hey, what's going on over there? St? Louis down there holding down the fort? Uh enjoying um, just you know, having the place to to himself a little bit. It's always nice. I'm sure you enjoy it too. How chakak's you racking out in

the living room? Do you do you? How full of a show do you do knowing that I'm not there. Do you like set up like stuff to animals for an audience? You know, I just do like more like vocal things, you know, like when I when I'm trying to find my voice. It's it's embarrassing to be like at Eddie Vetter, Like I always give that example, like how does he have the respect of his friends when

he talks like this? Know, we probably talk and he goes horror horroror like he'll be backstage talking to his friends and then he goes out there and or you know, any artist who puts on an an effect effect. It's just you know, we have certain comedian friends of ours that talk normally to us at the table at the comedy sellar, and then you go walk downstairs two seconds later and they get on stage and it's like this

weird voice and they're not doing a character. And then they get off stage and you just go, are we gonna talk about how you just changed? Um? And it helps it suits them, it's like as part of their act. But I'm really embarrassed when I try to sound like beautiful or cool. And so last night I was recording a song for a friend to send them and I'm more comfortable like being with a voice and like trying

out things than I am around you. So I got something so funny about like thinking about like the coolest rock stars, like Kurt Cobain doing like do rey me, you know, to get his voice ready, like yeah, trails like yeah, like me, like kurtin in the corner of like a like I used to have to do all these like mom muster man, my mom and my mom, like and he's just like snorting coke or whatever the funk he did. That's so funny. I don't think they did do that. I can't believe people smoked cigarettes as

much as they did in the seventies. I mean, like the seventies, like now even sometimes they see singers, you know, paparazzi shots and I'm like, what the funk are you doing? J Lo doesn't drink coffee, she doesn't um drink alcohol. Mariah Carey is the same way. Nothing that would like

affect her voice. And that's that's what makes me so mad about not getting into singing earlier and not being like that's my passion, because if I would have, I was so obsessed with becoming what I needed, doing what I needed to do to get as far as I needed to go. That I would have never drank, I would have never smoked, because those things would have hurt my career, whereas in comedy they'd help you and they're encouraged.

So I truly, the second any of those things started affecting my career, I quit, like I I've that's not before they affected my relationships and my well being as like a human, my career, that's when I quit them. So but those things I had to get so bad in order for them to impede comedy, because comedy is based on just like just you know, the dregs of society, like the more you drink, like bringing a beer on stage, smoking like you're cool, you're like offbeat, your undress Thompson like.

But yeah, I mean, I guess that stuff is associated with rock and roll as well. But I just feel like if I would have gone to a vocal coach, the one that told my mom I didn't have it, she might have said, the worst thing you can do is drink anything that isn't water and or tea, And so I just only done that. What kind of art is you're going to be? You know? But even I would have got to wait to out heal my pain.

Though with something else, I would have cut my I would have found something that would have been harmful, because well, pop stars, even like the funnest pop stars, still can have a horrible drug addiction. And I would have just shot things up. I wouldn't have done things that affected my voice. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you know you've been shooting heroin in your toes, but you'd have been singing like a champ. Yeah, my voice would have been crystal clear.

That's the truth, though, dude. It's like, I think people don't realize that. They're like, oh, I'm gonna quit, like when you quit drinking. Let's say, right like you it's been almost three how many three or four years? Years in December? Three years in December, um, which is incredible, And but don't you feel like did it go somewhere else? Like it doesn't just go away. The thing that you were using to mute the feelings has to go somewhere else. Or did feelings come up in a way that you

needed to get on zoloft? I mean, were those pretty much over? Like yeah, the second part yet replaced the anxiety that led to drinking or or or made the anxiety lest that led to drinking. So the alcohol was doing what zoloft now does, but in a much messier way, much messier way, which would make it worse. The next day or the next week, you're get a hangover from zoloft that makes you feel even more anxious. That's what

people don't understand about addictions. It's like it's the thing that's the withdrawal, and the guilt and the everything that falls after the thing you do that's quotea bad is what leads you to do more. So you're trying to you're trying to um stop withdrawal symptoms, which, like you know, in terms of pot, which I've recently let go of in my life, the withdrawal symptoms are minor for me with pot. Luckily there's a lot of people I hear

on the subreddit leaves struggle way more with it. But there's a little bit anxiety the first couple of days of like I would just have a feeling when I would usually reach for a bowl and smoke it and instead of that, I would just like that. That anxiety was the withdrawal symptom of like I need weed, Like what are you what are you what do you think

you're substituting? Right, It's so funny like as soon as weed went away, and I wasn't exercising at all before at all, and now but that makes me feel good because now exercise for me is a stress relief. It isn't like I need to burn calories. You know. It's interesting.

I remember you telling me, you know, I was doing all those classes and working out and and like I would be looking at my body in the mirror and stuff like in in Cayman and so focused on like my abs and whatever like, and it came and you were really like out and you would tell me, you go, like you know you're gonna overdo it whatever, like and when you're in it, you don't really realize it. But now when I'm playing golf and it is an exercise when I'm hitting four balls, it's great for your abs.

It's a great meditative thing. Like it's such a different way of exercising and looking at sports and like a healthier way. I even looked in the mirror at like my body and so like like trying to like because with your golf club, I grew my body hair out,

I grew my chest hair out again. Yeah, I think it becomes so you become obsessed with Yeah, you become with yourself, obsessed with your self image, and it becomes like you're worth whereas now with golf, like and those classes don't lead to like I guess you could see progress in those classes. I mean some of them have stats on the board and so you're chasing a number or you're like, have goals, but for you, go for you,

golf is the goal. It's not the body. The body is a the fitness and the way you feel physically is comes from the thing that you enjoy. So when people are just doing classes for the body, which by the way, you can have goals for your body. Like some people are models. Some people like need to have their bodies in a certain way for their job or for like what they want to do with it. But you and I don't need to be to look anyway like, there's no We just need to be healthy and feel good.

That's really it. And that's anyone who loves us and is going to love us forever. Yes, certainly they want to be sexually attracted to us, but you know, as long as we don't let ourselves go in a terrible way, which would indicate that we were unhappy. In other ways,

people are gonna We're gonna be fine. So like, yeah, for me, when when we'd stopped and I was inspired to run, I was like, oh, that's such a good sign that running for me isn't something I have to be scared to you, because I used to think it was like an eating disorder compulsion, which it was for me a while. It was like, Okay, I can't eat tonight unless I run four miles today. And now I just run four miles because that's the amount that makes

me sweat in a good way. It gets my It's long enough that I enter a zone of like not even remembering I'm running um, and I just I like it and I don't feel It's like in high school when when I played football and stuff, I wasn't. I wasn't playing football to look jacked or look good like. I just was doing it because I loved football. And you forget, like the older you get, you don't get that passion of a sport to like, you know, jiu jitsu.

I know, Noah does that, Like you're learning a sport which happens to make your body look pretty good, you know what I mean? Like your body is the second layer of the of your passion, which it changes the way you look at at a fitness and why you're doing it as opposed like classes, I don't want to, Like some people really enjoy those classes, the social aspect, the challenges, like I don't want to. You know, there's

always a place for that stuff. But I never want to work out because I have to again, like I understand, I can always find a way to make it enjoyable, whether it's a walk with my dog that is almost meditative, where I listen to a podcast I really like, or you know, if you if you stop working out, someone listening is like addicted to working out. If you stop and like recalibrate, you don't worry you'll want to work out again. In a way that's like I need to

just move my body. It's not like I need to burn calories. I need to get my steps in. My ass needs to be this big for someone to love me. It's like, No, I saw a girl with amazing ask this morning and I was just like my neck almost snapped off because I was just like, wow, it was so perfect, and you know, and it wasn't our way

of like I want my face in it. It was like, man, I would love to have that ask for a day and just see what I could do with it, you know, um, but it's never it would I could do with it. I would just walk around. I would probably put a camera above it to see how many stairs I get and like, or just walk around and see, like what

if how men look at me differently? Like what the perception is like Because a girl with a fantastic body and tight clothes is getting treated subconsciously, she'll she'll notice little things that men and women do. I mean even me and my daughter. Luigi was like, like it would be fun to just to like fall from like four ft just to lay in on a nice, nice thick as. I'm not kidding you. It's painful for me at times to sit on things that don't have cushions because I

don't have any cushion back there. But you know what, I love my ass and I I just don't I don't need to have that ask. That girl is probably a fitness model or something and and needs that for her career. If comedy suddenly or you know, I was

talking about getting into self help work. If someone is like, we need for you to write a self burnet Brown's at like you need a burnee brown house, I would like find a way to get that so that I could get that because I want to do that work, or I want to make that kind of money, whatever it is the inspiration. But to have an ass too, uh, that that you think is going to be the answer to your happiness, which, by the way, I still don't

know what makes me happy. I'm still, you know, aiming towards all these things that once I get there, I go, well, this didn't make me happy, So maybe a good ass and a plates body will make you happy, and that's going to be the solution. Why don't we get this? Why don't we Why don't we make a little ass suit for you and you walk around. I have had one before when I was something. No, it was my

most I think this is my most embarrassing moment. Now that I repressed it, I oh god, I don't mean to be like when I was intirectic, but it was a moment in my life. I had stuff. No, yes, but listen, stop, sorry, dude, Okay, we have to get to the news. I don't think they've died for the story, don't you dare do? No? Okay, well, this is really gross. I don't want every I want everyone to be ready for this, and this is very vulnerable for me. But

this is just true. And I think I've said this before on something because okay, so when you were really really thin, um, well for me at least, I already don't have an ass but when you really have nobody fed, I had like just none, like bones, like if you've seen Holocaust pictures. And I don't mean to take it

to this, but I'm not kidding you. I did look like when I was naked and I would look in the mirror, it looked like when you see pictures of like the Holocaust, like like the final days or when they were finally for ead and they're all naked, you know, and you can kind of see like, oh my god, that's what a body that emaciated looks like. That's what I looked like. Now when we're talking about it from the back, your butt needs fat to touch the cheeks together.

I had no there was no but there was just there was just bones and an asshole. It was just there's no. But because I don't have so like your butt cheeks are made the crack is made from fat. So when you have no like if you look at all of us, yeah, exactly, I had no cheeks. So first of all, this is so gross. I'm so sorry, Like this one is, this is really weird. But Antarexic girls that don't have an ass like you can fart anytime because the only thing that makes a fart sound

is your ass cheeks flapping together. So I always were like, you know, when you pull your as cheeks apart to make it silent. I taught you that that's what you can do as an interact, Like you are always like that. You're asks are always apart, so you never have any fart sounds, which is great because you're eating a lot of vegetables. And so I bought when I was going off to college, my my butt was literally concave and people would it would hurt to sit and it just

looked insane. And so I bought this thing that I saw in a catalog or maybe online. This is two, so it wasn't like online shopping was what it is now. I ordered um, like this kind of spanks thing that had butt pads in it, like a fake butt just so I could like have a but and not have people make fun of me. It wasn't so I could like because I got it sent to my dorm and the dress was wrong. It is your penis one story. The address I got the address wrong and it sent

it was the same as my billing address. It sent it to my parents, opened it, saw it, and then had to repack it and ship it to me, and we never talked about it. And arrived at my dorm from my mom and like a care package with with Proactive which she also bought me as like I didn't even ask to be my mom just like saw my face. But the reason I had zipped because I was like picking my face because I was still melnourished. I like these wounds on my face. I mean, it was just

a terrible time. My friends are all getting care package is filled with like cookies and like home baked goods and like your favorite local thing that we miss you so much. And my mom sent me Proactive and butt pads that I bought that I knew she saw and was probably like, oh, Nikki, and like we weren't even

talking about that. I was so like it was the secret band aid on it, and then I never wore it because I was so embarrassed, so embarrassed that anyone I just need to get rid of it, like I needed no one to ever beach like with like a bay. It's like, come on, But now you see them on Instagram because butts are so in now that women do wear it, and it's like fine, but I, uh, yeah, that was I would do it again. Now I need that thing back in my life. It's in a fucking

landfill somewhere. Is it funny that everything we've ever owned is somewhere, like, unless it's biodegradable, it's like still exists. Like your diapers from when you we're a toddler still somewhere that dipe like that. It blows my mind. Well, you could get refurbished into things, right, yeah, but those are cloth ones, but no one uses those disposable ones. The diapers you used are not bio or like a plastic toy you at McDonald's. That is somewhere. It's still somewhere.

It's somewhere on this earth. It's gonna outlast you. All right, Let's get to the news first. I hope you had a great weekend out there, had a great time. I've had all the swells. We had a swell time in Wisconsin. We never really saw outside the hotel, but we heard there's things out there. Okay, the first story, my dad goes, how is the weather? And I go, Um, I checked the app before I left, and so high seventy five. But that's what that's what I found out in St. Louis.

I don't I don't know. Yeah, I felt great from the lobby to to sprint their van because that was um. A preditor asked a good question. What's the subtle sign that someone is a good person but doesn't want to show it? Anonymous donation. There's fifteen things. We have some down here picking up litter. They make space for someone who is being ignored in a conversation. They are good to animals and customer service staff, especially when they are agitated.

They tell you to take your time. When they are given a chance to quietly talk bad about someone, they say something good instead. WHOA, that's the first I can't say I've done in the last forty eight hours, but I've done all the other ones. I can literally give you examples of all the times I've done the other three. All Right, let's keep going. But but number four, let's say that one again. Let's revisit that when they are given a chance to quietly talk bad about someone, they

say something good instead. That one I'm really working on and I've done it a couple of times. And let me tell you that one is a fucking that's the everest of being a good person, because, boy is gossip fun. Boy do you just want to please the person in front of you who wants to talk to a lot of times the person that you're talking to has brought up shooting on someone and you you want that person to like you, so agreeing with them would be the right thing to do. And it's just it's a given.

And you might have something bad about this person that you want to say and that I can't say I'm very good at that, but I'm really working at it, because that one when you really stop gossiping and being and saying things about people behind their back that you wouldn't say to their face, or if you're recording this, always remained your conversations recorded, and that it's going to be played for that person and then see how you

behave It's very different. Yeah, I know, it's like there's nothing more boring than being a brunch and like John's a fucking dick head and he's like, whoa John did one nice thing one time? Hey, No, it doesn't have to be that. I think it can be. Well, he's out a rough life, and that's how someone kind of behaves when they've had a rough time. And I and let me say, I've said that over and over and over.

But that's more me trying to teach people how to be more empathetic to waiters, like what you were just saying. Like my dad last night we went to dinner and he ordered the Camp sushi combo and you're supposed to get a salad and soup with it. Salad and soup didn't come. The entree comes and he literally goes, where's the soup and salad? Weren't those supposed to come first?

Like that tone. I can't. I would love to add onto that, Nick, But your dad, he's pretty good at riding a bike, he's good at wearing old Let me let me actually amend that and say the exact way that he said it, because that would made me exaggerated. Hold on, Andrew, will you deliver my sushi? Yeah? Here's your sushi combo, sir, supposed we're supposed to get a super salad when those come first. That tone so sorry, sir,

into we made a mistake here. And now she did the thing that's annoying where she goes, oh, no problem, like it's almost like, you know, like it wasn't supposed to And so that agitated him more. And then when she brought when she brought something, so I think something else got delivered before the soup and salad. And he threw up a hand like this because the person he told the super salading do was just the food runner

and so our waitress didn't hear it. So the waitress came by to do something, and he throws up his hand like, and I just go, I go, is I think we're supposed to get a sup and salad with these? Um? Is there any way to bring those now? And then I turned to him and I go, there's a way to say things, and it isn't this. And I gave the hand of what he just did, and you're right, You're right. So it was very nice of him to like acquiesce and let me you know, school did they

bring the soup and salad? At the same time. Then they brought all the soup and salads. I even got one, and I didn't order a compost, so I go chi ching. You know. Oh you told him though that they made a mistake and right or no, I just said no, I'm just working around Oh no, no, no, I did not. I took it and made it because it's a little miso and the little side salad. That's when those like thug life glasses co on you and you're smoking a cigarette.

You know those means yeah, I love those. Okay, let's keep going, good person, all right. They bring their shopping cart, they bring their shopping cart to the car return when they're done with it. Yes, five, I'm five for I'm five for five one. I'm a little hazy on okay. They ignore things like when you accidentally fart or spit while talking so you don't feel embarrassed. Yes, I've done

that recently. I mean not to you are my close friends, but like in someone new or like that's the best sentence though, that you just said no, Because when someone fartss or it spits with your close friends, that would be insane to not call it out and be like, did you just fart, like not in a way that's like, did you four? I woke Brenda up with a fart last night, and I really don't know if I farted, but it smelled, so I gotta say I love that

there's a new alarm. You know how alarm clocks sometimes they'll like brighten, like there's light ones. You do a smell one that it's just such a brutal far And unless your cheeks were not a part or we're apart, you definitely made a sound maybe the vibrations of the bed without without really slowly yeah, real slow slow burns.

Did you know, by the way, I think maybe I blew some people's minds with the fart, Like some people don't know that the sound, I think there's a little bit of a sound that your asshole makes, but it's mostly the flashlights sound is your cheeks and the air going between your cheeks. Did you know that when you snap your fingers, the snap sound is made from your uh, middle finger hitting your palm, and that's the only sound

that's being made there. And you think it's your fingers clicking together, but it's just the sound of your hand slapping your palm. That just blew my mind right that I've heard on Reddit too, of like, what's something you just learned that you never knew? And everyone on the thread was like, what the fuck? I'm throwing it out, And there's a way to make it to prove it where you like, oh, here, put your thumb on the part where your middle fingers on your other hand doesn't

make a sound. So if you didn't have a palm, it's like when you don't have butt cheeks, I guess you have fingers. If you don't have a bomb, like, I don't think you could do that. What have you snap on your ask cheeks? Mm hmmm, oh I heard a fart number six. Um. They ignore things like when you know, okay, they do kind things and don't take credit for it or posted online for likes and praise. All right, I do that, but like you know, sometimes I do want sometimes when I tip, I do want

them to see. But most of the time they never see and I just have to eat it, you know. Yeah, they actually listen to your point when you're having an argument or discussion instead of just getting ready to make their I mean that one. I do it, but it takes a lot of it listen to the end of my sentence, Nicky, can you just shut up for a second and then I'll do it? So maybe I'm not good at that one. It's hard to slow down an argument, you know what I mean? Like fuck you? Fuck you?

Can we just slop fuck you? Yeah? It is. It's like, yeah, you just wanna to me like on YouTube. Yes, yeah, but you shaid that you would chick side long. Why are you so folks done? That's how we find honestly, we would really get a lot more done if we slowed everything down, all right. Next one, they don't ask intrusive questions that might hurt other people that I'm I'm

I do that too much. That's so passive aggressive. But I do set up people to like have to address things that are annoying me about them in passive aggressive ways. So alright, I'm I'm out of I'm I'm bordering on getting a C plus on this desk. Hey, that's pretty solid, So I think I'm so, I think we're at eight and I've had two halves and one fold that I've missed,

So I've got two and a half points out of eight. Okay, Uh, well, I have to go to an article if we want to do the other six, but I think we'll just go to the next one. Is that cool? Yeah? So I got like an you got an eight. I probably right around there. I would not say that I was better or worse. Whoa dude, that's not true. I just I just know when we like you, like you know, doing things that don't serve you, I'm not. I am being nice you. I had to get to a point this.

This took a lot of work of going to therapy and like meditating and reading books about how to be a good person, and like working a spiritual program to like understand that I need to do things that it's not because you're a bad person. I think that it's just like I would say, for example, like I don't think that you would clean up a mess that you left in a public situation unless someone true that's not true. Okay, but I could be wrong, But I think I just

failed the test. I wish you would have been giving your credit to yourself too. During that I was saying I'm around there, and then you had to win at the end. It's not about winning. I'm just there's no I wasn't you always think it's a competitive and maybe there is. Maybe I am comb out of it, but it's not about winning. It's just about being accountable. I know. But yes, okay, next next door, a doctor explains, Oh, this is actually goes right into what we've been talking about. Seriously,

I can't even listen to this ship anymore. I'm just doing some people's voices right now, you heard me. A doctor explains that you should never sleep naked because when you pass gas, you're spraying fecal matter directly on your sheets. What I mean, I knew this. I know this because as a woman with like a pussy that gets like you know, has discharge when sometimes you either are horny, or you're about to start your period, or you're on your period, or you're just anywhere close to your beer.

If you're just a woman, you're like have things coming out, and I don't want them on my sheets, and I don't want my like last night, in fact, I Luigi was under my covers because sometimes he burrows, and I farted, and sometimes you think your dog is gonna want your fart because dogs love ship, but they don't like fart smells, and and so I had to like open up the sheets because I didn't want to, you know, hot box. Well,

they also have like their nose. I mean they could smell a fart before dogs love pop comes out of your body smells. You think they would like it, but they don't. Here's my question. If it dogs can smells so well, why do they have to get so close to the asshole. It's a really good point because I think that it just tells them like I don't, Yeah,

they want to know more. Is it funny to see a dog smell an asshole and it's like it goes like in its brain he sees your whole past, like I just threw the smell of your asshole, like he saw like what you did actually smell my asshole. I think that's more of a youth thing. If you've had dogs,

sometimes go for my crotch or something. But I think that's just because it's you know, concentrated smells there sometimes you know, during the month or maybe I have cancer, I don't know, but like I feel like when dogs smell other dogs assholes. It's so funny when two people are like meeting, you know in our elevator, and Luigi will like smell a dog's asshole and start like licking it and you just have to be like it's hot today,

or like there's construction on third floor? Okay, what's his name? And they're just both like going down on each other. It's so funny that you just like you can't say while Luigi eating some mass today, you like your mom, And then guys like, yeah, dogs friendly, Yeah it is, it's sucking my dogs dick dogs genders And when you go, oh, she's so cute, and they go it's a it's a boy, or they kind of pass up agrest you go yeah, he's fun, and you're just like, oh my god, I

hate that. Like you could tell by its whiskers. It's like, shut up, no you can't. And you named it a gender neutral name, like I don't name is their dog's name is whiskers? That could be a boy or a girl. And do you want me to be looking at your dogs genitals to know what it was said? I was like, oh, sorry, I didn't get Do you want me to lift up its leg to go, oh, yeah, it's got a tight

little pussy. Sorry I thought it was a boy or I just go, oh, your dog is trans It just told me, but it's I want to do a joke so bad about dogs with human eyes. I hate dogs with human eyes. Oh man, my dog, my favorite Hubert, has hate And obviously I love all animals. I passed number two on that test. And I believe, you know,

every animal deserves to live. Ones with human eyes a little less, so um, you just got I just want animals that have Like there's certain dogs and I remember dating a guy who like and he rejected me, and he got a dog with human eyes, and I was like, I couldn't even fake liking this guy like and this guy's dog. It would have to be. It would be a fake relationship because I would always be a little bit like, goet away from me. Like, there are some dogs I just don't like. I'm not gonna be mean

to them. It's just like people. You don't have to like every dog. Ye, my assistant every time she sees a dog, she goes doggy, and I'm just like, Kirsten is the same way. They love animals so much that they see a dog, any dog, and they go oh, poppy, again, that ain't a puppy. That is a gross old dog that's about to pass away and has human eyes, like it is don't have the same It's so funny to me when people love dogs that much, or or like

any animals. I'm I love I'm a vegan, but I don't go talky when I see us old mangi service dog. Like there's some comedians in New York. I'd be walking around the city and they'd be like, I hate this about this, I hate like they're just they hate everything.

And then they see a dog and puppy and I was like, oh, something happened when you were a kid with your dog and your dad probably hit your dog, and now you blame society, but you love the dog still, Like I don't know, it's just like it's always interesting when they like change their whole demeanor for this puppy, but they couldn't do it for another fellow, you know

what I mean. I do it with birds, like birds, I get like like birds, an old mangie pigeon, I will have the same reaction as like a beautiful little chickie, like a little you know, freshly hatched chick I love the same kind of like what about an owl though now as human eyes though and now all kind of human birds with human eyes, I don't and they don't

have human eyes. I don't. And Kiwi, my old bird, used to sometimes get human eyes like they get and what that means is like it's just not a black eye, like it has like dimension to it. It has like an iris. And sometimes he would like focus and get like his eye would dilate and it would be my sister and I would be like, Kiwi is not cool today, like we just did not. He would be like more intense. He was like wanting to get fucked or something like he was in heat and we just did not like

his energy. But do you know what I'm talking about When people are just love any fucking dog and you go, well, I don't trust you now when you tell me that a dog is cute, because you think any dog is cute. And I'm so over people being like I people do with babies. People do it. There are some very ugly, weird babies out there that give me the creeps. Yeah, but I'm sorry. You know people under people will sometimes

think there, but that's that makes sense. If you think you're ugly dog is cute, that makes sense when you think any dog is cute or any No one really thinks any ugly baby is cute, that's a and if you do, that's a woman who is just so dying to have a baby that it's almost like, you know, embedded in their DNA that they just will take anything

you know that tells you something about yourself. So maybe, um, I don't know, but sometimes I'm just like I don't understand, Like I get jealous because I love animals and I can't get to that level with dogs. Interesting. Interesting, I don't know. I just don't. Don't send me a picture of him. It will creep me out, like I don't want to see it. And people that have dogs with human eyes, listen, I'm sure you had hate something within my life that I like, and so it's okay. And

I don't hate your dog. Of course I love your dog. And I would adopt a dog with human eyes. I just would never. I would just I would make it weird, sunglasses like spots mackenzie. I'd have a dress like a pirate every day. All right, let's take a quick break and get back to why do I care? Why do I care? Andrew, I don't know anymore? Why do I care? A tiffany hat Ish entertains dinner goers with an impromptu

song and dance singing Tina Turner's Proud Mary. The comedian was at dinner Saturday night with her boyfriend Comin, Chelsea Handler and Joe Koy. There was a jazz band just performing, and so she decided to get on stage and make it about herself, I mean, and do a show stopping number with the help of the musicians. How is that no different? You hate the guy that does the worm at a at a wedding. He's not Tiffany Hatta. She's not a famous person who everyone in the room is

already freaking out is in the room? I mean, everyone loves Tiffany hats I don't know anyone that's just like not. And by the way, she's an insanely good performer. And so even if she's a bad singer, Uh, Like, if I got up there and did Proud Mary, no one needs to see that's not like mine. You would be an ashamed Mary. Um you And seriously, I would rather have you sent me my butt pads in the mail

like that would be excruciating for everyone. But Tiffany, honest, even if she has a garbage voice, she's someone that has such such like Tina Turner energy that I feel like that, even me being kind of, you know, jaded about celebrities and especially comedians who you know, came up with and and kind of knew them before they were stars. And I'm not like dazzled Tiffany. I didn't really know that well, so I am just dazzled by her anyway.

But I think I would have really loved that, And especially if Chelsea Handler and Common and yeah, that guy opened for in Tampa, like, I can't ever be like and Joe Coy was laughing. I mean, joke is great, but I'm not going to be like. And Joe Coy listed among those good for him, and he's very successful. He probably has more followers than me. But you know, I just that's what I'm talking about. Someone like Joe Koy,

who I've known forever. I'm not going to suddenly be like and Joe Koi was there, man, I used to call it coying. I hope he doesn't hear this. He probably will, but Joe Cooy is like a a famous comedian and really good one and a performer that, by the way, if he gets up to sing a song, you better fucking listen. Because he used to close with a Michael Jackson impersonation where he would molest a couple of boys. You bring him on stage. No he would, um, I was like, when I kind of like this act, No,

he would do it. He's insanely talented dancer, singer, But hed do this thing? Now, go ahead, go ahead? What would he do? He would? I opened him for him in Tampa at the Improv and worked a weekend with him, and he would do this thing where when he got off stage, and let's let me be honest, it probably would have happened anyway. Let me just let me be let me see if I honestly think that. Yes, I do honestly think that. I'm not lying when I say that.

But you did this trick that performers. If you're a performer and you get to a point where people are coming out to see you, and they like, I could do this now at the level I'm at, but I'm not going to because it is it. I don't. I don't even look at people. I blur my eyes because I know that when I look at someone, it forces them to laugh. And I don't want anyone to laugh that doesn't want to laugh. I don't want to trick anyone into doing anything for me ever, um, I don't

want to say ever. Maybe I do subconsciously, but like intentionally, I'll never use one of these devices I read about Dale Carnegie to get you to like me, the one where you like, ask someone to hand you something that you could grab and if they get it for you, because they don't want to think they're a bit, they'll go, I guess I like her, and then they end up liking you more. That's a trick that where they don't really like you more, you just tricked them into like anymore.

I don't do that ship. But here's a trick to um get people to think that they enjoyed your show more than they maybe did, or maybe just get them to um make you feel a way that you want to feel after your show that you just gave it all, because he would give just these you know, he would give it all. He would leave it like a very exhaustive set, and he would get done with it and

you go, thank you guys, good night. And at that point, usually for me, because I just have low self esteem, I wave and I like start walking off the stage and I go like thank you Tampa. Like it would go it would go and you know that was the story of my abortion. Thank you, Tampa, You've been amazing. Good night, And then I start waving and walking off the stage and maybe I'll go back to the mic and go, seriously, thank you so much for whatever you

did tonight to get here. I appreciate it. Thank you're spending your money, like I give like because I forget to do say that at the beginning, and I just like, I'm trying to win them over, like I hope, I guess it's just as manipulative, but I do mean that, like, I'm like, thank you for spending your money. If and I also say, if I offended you, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to. I like, I give all these caveats.

That's me. And then I walk off stage and I wave right and by also, I do a dance number at the end, but that is just in case everyone hated my act and we're like, oh, at least we get to watch the silly dance. And the last a minute it's to ginger after eating. Can you guess what he does? Yes, yes, it totally is. You need a cleanser at the end before yea. Sometimes I people eat, uh, sometimes I force feed them with sabby when they think it's a slice of avocado that fell out. That happened

to my friend. She just popped a huge bot with sabby because she thought it was a piece of California. All that fell out and she died and we miss her. Um. Can you guess what he does? Thank you a good night. And then he probably goes he uh, he waits, he goes, thank you good night. Oh my gosh, guys, thank you so much, thank you? No, thank you? What do you

think happens if you wait long enough? He gets Yes, people start one person will stand because let me just say, every time I finished the show, one guy no no, no, yes, I know to leave and stuff, but at least one person and will stand up to be like I like you the most. There's always like some obnoxious and and by the way, I love that when people stand up. Sometimes like I rarely get the whole room like at

once standing up. You know when when a standing ovation happens in any setting, what happens it's a couple of people stand and then you look like an idiot if you don't stand, so you end up standing, and then they get the whole room. So it's you get one applause break and you go, thanks for the one applause, and then everyoneuse So if you if you do it now, people aren't going to do this unless you give a

good show. So this is not taking anything. He deserves this, and everyone gets it's so rare that an applause, that a standing ovation happens if someone doesn't wait, if you just flee the stage, people don't get on their feet, and or no one ever just jumps up all at once. He would do that and then he would go, oh my gosh, no, that's too kind, guys, and then everyone's don't go. If you're watching, I'm really sorry. But one time after I started just like noticing it was happening,

and he started like kind of counting them. And I remember we had a weekend where we did seven shows, and on the Sunday night he goes cut seven standing ovations, like I can't believe it, like he started, yeah, like he started. He wasn't counting like seven sold out shows, which was also true and impressive in and other stuff. Seven shows where I killed the entire time talking about him, not me. He was that meant something to him, and I realized I wanted to be like, yeah, but you

you're tricking them into doing it. I mean they want to and they're glad to show their enthusiasm that way, but you're waiting for it. If you just walked off stage some like you know, some of them would stand, but they would just applaud for It's it would be the same, like they would feel the same about you, But actually I don't think they would feel the same.

Much like the trick where you ask someone to give you something that you could reach yourself if someone stands up in applaudse even when I do it at a show and I'm like, actually I am going to stand to stand and and do give that someone. You have to convince yourself I actually like this because you're not being told you're not one of the fucking lemmings next to you. You actually believe this, so your brain will actually get you to believe that you like this better.

I'm gonna start doing it. I want people to like me more. Honestly, Yeah, I'm gonna do it at a jazz club when no one asked me to perform. Let's do top one, bottom one. That's why I care. Sorry joke, Ay, I love you um, everything on stage is manipulation that and I'm sure he's not the only one that does that. I'm positive of it. Top one, bottom one today, that's where we put the the top and bottom um thing

out of the list. The category today is Instagram Trends, tropes, things we see on Instagram, kinds of posts, anything on Instagram. Your favorite thing you see on Instagram, whether it's a person, a post, or a type of post um uh filter, and your least favorite thing. Andrew, can we start with you? Are you ready? I am ready. I would say my least favorite thing is the photo dump that people do,

because I'll tell you why. Is because Instagram has become this thing of like, look at me, Look how great I am, Look how perfect the filter is. And then the the photo dump gives you a scapegoat of putting up real shitty pictures and like ten of them at a time, and you're like, oh, this is just who I really am in a photo, like just fucking post the shitty photo, not in a photo. So you find that photo dumps are people are ways for people to like kind of clear out their pictures and they don't

find as much time making the curating them. Do you want more time spent or do you think they're being manipulative of like this is the real me, but I can get away with it because I'm confused. It's it's the it's the feeling of like all the other photos are like perfectly curated and like nice and filtered and they look hot, and then these photo dumps are like a picture of a tree and a picture of you know, maybe me, uh, like from a side angle that's blurry

or like, and it's just more real photos. I feel like that they if they posted them on their own, they want to get that many likes, But because they put it inside a photo dump with a caveat of like, hey, this is kind of like just my regular, every day kind of shitty photos, it gets just as many likes as the actual curated photo got it. Okay, I did not. I would never have thought of photo dumps that way.

I tend to like them because they because they allow for more vulnerable things, because I think people are so scared to post things on their main feed because it gets so much attention because it's just one photo. I

know I am. That's why I love the Nicki Glazer pod account because I can post things that are more vulnerable because I trust those people more that when there's a photo dump, people feel safer putting more vulnerable things on that because they don't they know that everyone's not going to look through the whole thing, and that of

more vulnerable thinking be hidden. So I enjoy those and I go all the way through on people I'm interested in, because generally there's a little thing on there that you would have never gotten to see had there not been the trend of the photo dump. Interesting way to look at it. Noah, do you have a least favorite trend or thing on Instagram? My one of my least favorite things on Instagram is people who put filters on their

babies or children. What is that? You know? How like in the stories and you could put like a fairy or like make your kid into a cartoon. That just

creeps me out. Oh see, kids love that because like, can you imagine being a kid and having your face like I was doing it with Arlow the other day and I didn't post it, but it's so fun that his face could be a Thomas the Train engine and he was like talking and being like I'm are low and it was like she's saying, don't try to make your five people right where it like brings their eyes up and puts them long lashes and makes their noise their nose pointy. It's just yes, I totally know what

you're saying. No those and I would I would extend that to everyone like these stopping in denial that because I think a lot of guys, even Andrew, I remember you saying that, like, no, the first, you know, the first the Paris filter, Yes, you even go oh, I thought that was just like a put a coloring on it, like it didn't know, but it like actually makes your skin look more smooth, It makes your eyes slightly bigger, like it just it it makes you more It takes

a human face and makes it more appealing, and it makes you look not like you really look. It's not just like a like the old Instagram filters would were purely like you know, would just be like a sheen over it, and you could kind of tell Paris will actually make people think that's what you look like. Yeah, and so until one guy goes, I could tell that's a filter, and it ruins everything. Yeah. I always I always kind of warn when it's a Paris filter because

I just don't want people to. I think it's so harmful for girls a k a. Myself to to see celebrities and people putting on those Paris filters and using filters and not having a discerning eye and not you can look completely different. And to that point, I feel like we don't have any like actual photographs of ourselves anymore. So for kids who are growing up today, they won't have actual photos to look back. So just imagine looking at your parents Instagram feed and just seeing yourself as

a kid with all these filters. That's really the thing that creeps me out. But you know, I don't know that they're going to go away, so it'll probably be exactly what they're seeing in the future. Like it's not gonna be, but they and everyone will think they're a beautiful child that has like sparkles on their like eyebrows, you know, the ones that kind of glimmer. Taylor shift uses a lot any kind of highlight on the skin, the lightest part of any like if you have a

a gloss on your lips. The filter will take whatever the lightest point in that photo is and put a little like a little like you know, uh flicker on it, so it looks like you're so highlighted like your dewey and it catches the light. It's a beautiful filter. I mean, these things are incredibly impressively advanced, but um, you kind of reminded me of something, Noah, that I hate, and it's I'll use this one even though I have. You know,

we could do this topic every week. It's kind of fun actually, and we should do more of these and and and feel free to send us in voice memos of specific things on Instagram you hate. If you're just like biting your tongue or like dying for us to to say it right now, call into the voice memo

and leave us one. Okay, when celebrities won't post pictures of their kids and instead they put like an emoji on the kid's head, and it just to me looks like a It makes it look like to me a a child sex image that is being reported on on dateline, you know, when like a child is being has been abused or something and they need to report on it, and they show the suspect but and he's holding the child,

but then they put something over the child's face. In that case, of course, blur the child's face to protect the child. Um, but when it reminds me of that, you know, like it's not just it's obviously not that. But when Kristen Bell puts on like a sunglass emoji over her kid's face, it makes me first of all, more curious about what that child looks like it and it's like, we why do we need to see you with a child? And anyway, and what if I'm into children's feet? What if a PERV isn't it? I guess

you can. You're just trying to protect their identity. I don't know, I'm just it just when guys do it on bumble. I used to say that, I go, it looks like when you have a picture of your niece or nephew and you blur their face or put on some kind of like scribble over the Yes, it looks like a picture of your like, you know, kind of not not your What how did I used to phrase it? I said, it looks like a picture of your suspicious solo trip to Thailand, Like it looks like you were

doing weird things with kids. It just it's a thing that happens in child sex abuse images and so why would you recreate that on your Instagram and put that in people's minds. And you know, I tend to think one step ahead of everyone, but it just it just gives me to think. Like the baby is like, um, a witness in a mob. What's it called witness program? They change his voice to Google, got got John Gotti? Did it? You know or something? I don't know what.

That's so funny, Google got it. It's so funny. Andrew, you have to do that. That's too funny. Um, okay, let's yeah, what's your favorite thing on Instagram? I'm finding very few and few like favorite things about it that makes me happy. All right, So I like this that it's so easy to come. We have so many endless bottom ones because I know and I mean that was when I just pulled out. Its changed mine halfway through because I have so many more. Oh I have that

I read. You know what it is. It's honestly, it is more about my soul stuff because it's not being reading with a pessimistic brain and reading more so. My buddy wrote, you had an extra T and pestimistic, but or you said pestimistic, I'm talking about insects, and um, yeah, you're really into termite Instagram. There's a whole um. Yeah read this. So this fucking termite was eating my house? Right? No? No, okay, so no, this was from Okay. So I had a buddy.

I've showed you him before. He's the restaurant tour in uh In l A. He was my roommate in college. Oh right, Oh my god, we have stories for you to tell about that guy. I mean, he's the best. But he said he wanted to light your clothes on fire because it smelled so bad in your room and you weren't watching them that. He was like, I'm dude, I'm gonna burn all your clothes unless you watch wash them.

Didn't you say that to you? Yeah? I want to have him on the podcast, oh no, so badly, to interview him about his side of living with Andrew Colin. We would do it in a second. I mean we we must. I mean I'm not talking. I'm saying this week, we're putting this into action. We need to get him on the podcast this week because it will be just one story. Canna be a Colin. We should call you know Wednesday, we should do story time with people who've

lived with Andrew. Jesus shaky. No, no, one's going no, no, no, because we have a guest. Oh we have a guest on Wednesday. Oh that's right, that's right. Oh I'm so excited for our guest. But listen, listen to this thing. So so he's he's silly, he's a silly guy who whatever, But okay, so he goes. I woke up this morning and my heart was literally full the last eighteen months. I'm already having a problem with people using literally when it okay, um, but I'm just saying that's a perfect

example of the wrong muse of literally. Yeah, so my heart was kind of full. The last eighteen months has been trying for so many people. I feel fortunate every day to be alive, healthy, and surrounded by so many wonderful people. Yesterday I was reminded of this sentence. It's a little redundant, keep going, Yesterday, I'm just being an

English teacher for the captain already I'm annoyed. Yesterday I was reminded of this yet again, as I received tons of beautiful birthday cards, phone calls, tax and emails from family, friends and colleagues. I am blessed to have such wonderful thoughtful people in my life. Hope everyone has a great holiday weekend. We deserve it. And yes, if I've read this, maybe even today someone else, I would be like, oh God, like stop with the like, um not, what's it called?

Like virtue or like saccharin like uh like almost like too positive like self healthy kind of Yeah, everyone lived your life to the best. But it just sounded like he was having a moment of gratitude. Yeah, and it's like it's okay to just not have to twist it or whatever or be make it. But at the end, if you wrote that eption, you would put a joke at that because we need to cut it with a joke. Yeah, of course. And that sucks because I sometimes I just

want to be Sincere. I know, that's what I'm talking about, dude. So Instagram, I like Sincere posts that that unless I read them and I'm like, oh, this motherfucker is just trying to get legs and stuff. I really felt like some of these are like actually very pure, but if they're not, I'll still rip you apart. Yeah, you know, I'm ready. There's this great new girl on in Instagram

that everyone's sending to each other. I mean I've gotten people sending to her to me countless times, and she kind of makes fun of that kind of sincere stuff that actresses do. She just does actresses on Instagram, and her name is got people center to it all the time. Where is it? Where is it? Her name is away center to NYA. Hold on one second, I'm gonna occur up. I just want to play a little bit of what

she did, and people should follow her. Her name is Hi Caitlin Riley c A I T L I N Riley r E I L L Y. And this is this. She does impressions of actresses, like just doing things on Instagram. She's a really good actress herself. But she has a huge following now. I mean every day she has like thirty thousand new followers. Um, Hi Caitlin Riley. So this is her actress on Instagram getting quote unquote personal. Okay, hey guys, in a minute, how are you? How are

my lovely? I hope that everyone's walking into the light or should I say happiness. I'm just sitting here on my white bouclet sofa. My puppers is in the corner corn and happers. She does corner. I just wanted to share something with you guys, something that I so I didn't think I was getting, get a good emotional um, something that I've been struggling with every day. I wanted to get real and row with you, um real and raw, I I have a massive butth hole. So I just yeah,

that reminded me of that like fox sincere. Your friend did like a real sincere, that fox sincere thing of like and and the way she said corn this is actually a thing we can talk about in final thought. But also, um we I created that in high school with my friends. We also created something else called a girl. And I'll just get into it now. Sometimes Noah has one, but it's not an affect. It's just the way she talks.

But sometimes people put on this affect because it makes them sound crisp and crunchy, and it's just a way to girl. And we called it a girl because when you say like, burger king, it's just like a gerger burger burger gap baby burger burger gerber baby burger king. And she has a girl when she said corner and you can do it with any kind of er or and um, so no will you say burger king burger king, So I have a little bit of bur bur how

do you say burger king? Burger burger burgers like a burg and yours is a burg like it's sounds it sounds good. That's why people affect it, use it to like manipulate And a lot of actresses will talk like this just to sound like crunchy and crispy, and it's called a girl and and a lot of times people just naturally out of this and it's not a manipulative tool. But she was using it in that and I loved that she chose to say my poppers in the corner. It was like she dipped into it. And it's just

such a perfect little She's a really good actress. Uh again, it's hi, Hi, Caitlin Riley. No, what's your number one thing on Instagram? My number one thing on Instagram very quickly is accounts of two different species of animals coexisting, and one in particular is Raylan Underscore the Underscore Dog. It's this like older dog who takes care of foster kittens and most recently, um he had like little ducklings that he was caring and r a y l A

n okay. Raylan the dog eighty one followers, and it takes careful little kittens, which, by the way, you have a new cat right not yet, I'm getting him. On Wednesday, I forgot what you were doing top one and and I thought, no, just complaining about two animals. Oh my god, it's so angry over here. This is set to the music from Always Sunny. But it's this dog who's just kind of tolerating a little kitten playing with it. So this dog just to sing on him is just like

friends with little like little like you know, rescued cats. Yeah, so he well I guess he doesn't foster them. His parents do. But it's just such a sweet account to follow. It just always my heart feel warm. I love that. No um, I will say that that was one of my favorite posts ever was from the Dodo, which is often account that posts like sweet animal videos that break your heart. And I think I talked about it, but but that be video was like the most that that

brought tears in my eyes in a way. I didn't understand that like a bumblebee without wings that only lives a month, that these people adopted like was so beautiful and like so had such a personality and like liked music, and when it died, I started sobbing. I mean, and it wasn't because I was about to be on my period. It just like it was really heart wrenching this video, and so go check that out. It's on the Dodo

and it was It's a bumblebee. My favorite thing on Instagram currently is um the real I don't do TikTok because it's too addicting, so I will sometimes indulge in reels, which is their version of TikTok, and um my Instagram knows very much how much I care about Taylor Swift and so it will just be really great moments from her life performances, and um, I don't really watch her interviews that much because I get nervous when she talks

because I just want her. I have such a her on a pedestal that if she says something when she talks that I don't like, like sometimes I'll read the caption. She says a lot of amazing things, like the thing she said about like when a woman is a man is uh, a man plans ahead, a woman is calculating a man and a woman is like you know, a bitch. A man knows what he wants like, she'll say she has good like soundbites for oh, she goes I was tired of being a hanger for clothes. She was like,

that's not why, that's not why my body exists. I'm not like a I think a lot of times women just are like mannequins for fashion, and it's like, that's not me. I just there's certain things that she I mean, she's a poet, she's amazing. But just sometimes I'll see her just like a reel of her, like I never trust in narcissist because they love me, and she's like boom boom boom, and it's just like, I don't know, you know how much I care about her and feel about her. So when I go on reel sometimes I

really get inspired by just like these these moments. And then you know, and they'll throw in like a Selena Gomez here and there, and I'll quickly and then I want to teach the algorithm because I'm like, I'm not

ready for Selena. You can inject some Miley. Miley is coming into my life in a way that I'm like, I really because she has a husky voice, and I think that like maybe I can like figure out how things like her, and so maybe, like sometimes I really do want to watch Molly, and I do think she's an amazing performer and like said, does really crazy things

on Instagram. And I like Miley now because she um, you know, she went through that phase where she's grinding on Robin Thick and she's just like the tongue out and like rubbing things on her vagina and smoking weed

and just like you know, being anti Hannah Montana. And then she stopped smoking weed and now she's found a place where she's still extremely sexual and wild and uninhibited, but she's not trying too hard, and I just like And she has merch that says I hate Miley Cyrus or Miley sucks, and she wears her own merch and that makes me want to wear my own merch because my march is fucking sick right now, you guys. The only reason I'm not wearing my merch every day is

because it has my face on it. It It feels ridiculous. But my march is so good. If you come to my shows, please get a shirt, and like know that I design this as something I would wear, and I'm like, mad, I can't wear my own merch. Final thought. I gave the best gift I have ever given in my life this weekend, and it is inspired by um a Conan video that I posted. So. A guy named Brian Stack is one of the most brilliant comedy writers of all time. He worked on Conan for over twenty years. He started

with him at Late Night. I don't know if he started there, but he um had been at Late Night for ever, went with him to the Tonight show, then went with him to TBS and he, uh, I think moved to Cold Bet. I don't know if he's still there, but he moved to Cold Bet. Um, you know whatever, He's just look one of the most prolific things that you know, classic Conan bits that you know if you know Conan, which you should know him if you don't, um, uh crooner, Sorry, I'm looking this up kind of Um.

He does this bit on Conan that me and my friend had become recently obsessed with. My friend just turned forty yesterday. My ex boyfriend Chris convey Um and he in the past couple of weeks we've been hanging out and he's been like showing me. We we've both been getting into this this bit we knew about already on Conan. Andrew knows it well because I made him watch it the other day. It's back in the and it's he's done it on Conan back in the late night days.

Because a lot of the bits that they did on Late Night on NBC, when Conan moved to TBS, they had to dump. They couldn't recreate those bits. They couldn't bring those characters around because they were, you know, intellectual property of NBC. So this only existed in the late night I think Conan switched to you know, Late uh TBS, you know, twelve years ago or something. So this character

has not been on TVs in twelve years. But there's all these YouTube complations and it's called Artie Kendall, the Singing Ghost. So what would happen was Conan would be in studio and it would be between guests and he would be like, guys, our next guest, next week, you gotta check on the shows. We're gonna have Kanye West, we're gonna have Mindy Kaling. And then all of a sudden, you're here ba ba boo boo, and he'd be like,

what is that? And then all of a sudden, this like kind of ghost figure would appeared next to him, and it's Brian Stack who created this character called Alretie Kendall. The croon and ghost already would then explain to Conan, I was a nineteen thirties singer and I got started here at this NBC studio, and and Conan would say, oh my god, this used to be an old radio studio.

That's so cool, and he goes, yeah, I wrote all my own songs actually, and I'm sure my old songs would not a really a lot corny er now and wouldn't really hold up kind of thing. And then he would go out and go and goes, no, I think we'd love to hear these songs. So he had this old timey like microphone. He's in this like nineteen thirties outfit, and he would sing these songs. And this is um an example of one of the songs he would sing.

He would always start off by being singing a song that was a little bit controversial, like it would be talking about you know, this guy was just the themes of the ninety thirties. The joke is that in the ninety thirties they're singing about racist and misogynistic, like thing misogynists. We know that word is interchangeable things. And this ghost would just sing a song that he wrote about like the worst things. So this one is a song for the ladies. Shouldn't feel out of things, should all be

mindless zombies, resting thing. We have ribbons in that catatonic stafum in case they start the sting and then it would goes, that's the worst song ever, and it would just get it's so he would sing these songs. And my friend Chris and I my ex boyfriend Chris, we were were obsessed with this. We've been watching it for weeks and weeks. I meditated the other day. I was trying to think of a good gift to give him, and I'm thinking of cameos, like what cameo could I buy?

And I was like, oh my god, I'd be amazing if I could like reach out to Conan and have him same message, because Chris, let's Conan. And then I go, oh my god, I've I've d M with Brian Stack, the guy that created that character what if? And and Chris's brother was putting together a birthday compilation video of all of his friends making a video for Chris and it would go together like you know, like everyone does

in those things. So I I wrote a bit. I wrote an entire a sketch with three songs, an entire like talking in between with Artie Kendall. I pitched it to Bryan Stack. He was on board. I filmed it. I had um Carlyle's boyfriend Chase edited together to make him appear as a ghost, and put music behind it. And Chris didn't even know this was possible. I mean, this guy hasn't been on TVs for fifteen years since an old bit from comedy. He's yeah. Brian Stack got

on with me. He did it for free. I offered him when he was like, no, I'm happy to do it. He loved what I wrote. I got to write the sketch that it was for one of my favorite people of all favorite comedic voices of all time. I get to play the coning character of the street character. It's so funny. And I watched it last night as Chris was watching it. So his brother called me and gave the phone to Chris, and Chris is like, okay, I'm

about to put on your video. You know, my whole family's here like this isn't inappropriate, and I was like, it actually was a challenge to write something that I knew his mom and his nephews would be in the room and see that was also like racist and sexist and all the things that this ghost is. And you guys his face when he heard, because the ghost always introduces himself in these twenty sketches, we know Codin's always

talking and then the ghost goes bob boo. So when when I'm watching it, Chris's face, He's holding the camera and I'm watching him watching me on the screen, and I'm like, hey, Chris, I'm sorry I can't be there for your birthday. I care so much about you. I'm so glad you're in my life. And then all of a sudden, you and Chris just goes like his face was like, you know, he just won a car on Oprah. He could not believe it was like it was reuniting him with his long lost best friend. It was the

best surprise I've ever given. He followed it up and said he can't stop thinking about it. He was like, and I even told Brian Stackman with this, I go, I think this is better than if I gave him a tesla, Like, I'm not even joking you, this is and it was just the most gratifying gift to give. So like, I just want to say that this cost me nothing. And it did cost me asking someone I

really care about for a favor. But you can do if you think outside the box and you're famous enough to be able to d m with people who wrote for Goman, you know, I mean, like, obviously there's things that I got to do in this circumstance that led it to it. But you know, I could have buying him a car and putting a ribbon on it and surprising him wouldn't have been as good as the reaction. And I told my mom this, I go, this bust gift I've ever given. She goes, you bought me a car,

and I go, it's honestly better than that. Like the surprise on his face was better than me being like, pick out a car, Mom. It is true of the surprise too, was like, oh, like this might be no, no, no, because I told him beforehand it's totally p g And let me just say, like when I said at the top of the show that I wanted to get away

from comedy and get into self help. I'm finding now after writing that Conan sketch, which is so comedy it's absurdest, you know, It's like it's not even trying to say anything, it's trying to talk about that. I'm saying that. Now I know I can write that, and I think I want to. I want to divide my comedy into sketch and self help and like do too. So I'm not

gonna quit comedy. But I just really just learned for the first time ever that I'm good at writing sketch as I've never tried because I was always scared because I thought if I tried, I would fail. And a birthday gift forced me to do something that I was scared to do. I also yeah, so that, Um, that's the final thought. I gotta go. We're way over time. Thank you so much for listening. We'll see you tomorrow on the podcast and um join the subretd subred at

Nikki Glazer Besties. Thank you to um Cozy Wall who started that, and UM Andrew will see you tomorrow and studio have fun with Brenna and we missed you so much. Brenna baby, and she's right there. Andrew you don't keep here okay, Love you Brenna, and thank you Noah, thank you everyone, and thank you besties. Don't be cut out there and see tomorrow. I was trying to try to do uh,