The Nikki Gliser Podcast.
Nikki Glaser.
Here's Nikki. Hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's Nicky Gleiser Podcast. It is Thursday. It is Wednesday where we are. But yes, it's a happy Halloween to.
Every Happy Halloween, everybody.
Halloween. Do you guys have Halloween thoughts?
Yeah?
Dressed up like NICKI Nick, He's dressed up like me, and Annie's dressed up like Noah.
Are you guys doing anything for Halloween?
Absolutely not tidy.
But you have a house though, so kids might be coming through.
They might, but we don't want to see children, so we just are going to go in the basement.
I think you're dead.
I kind of want to give them stuff, but Matt is a little bit of a curmudgeon or just like he doesn't want to deal with it.
Well, whatever you do, don't leave out a candy.
Yeah, and say take it at take one and yeah, wow.
Commitment to like two hours of your night, right.
Yeah, answering the door. And but it's like, I think it's cute. I've never lived in a house and gotten to do it.
But I think I would be freaked out.
Oh yeah, that'll be too stressed out for the dog. Yeah, the dog is gonna go nuts. Just turn off that porch light nextly, for sure?
For sure?
Do you think it could take one?
Please? People? Really? Is it? Is it like a husband whose wife was like, you gotta put out some candy if we're gonna go on this trip and then he goes fine? Or is it like some innocent, naive woman or man who's like, they're gonna just take one.
I will say that most people do take I think take one or two. I don't think anyone takes all of it. I mean, I'm sure, yes, I do believe that they take all of it.
They take the little if you're with little if early on at like the three o'clock hour, the fourth like hour, the little kids will just like take one with their parents. But as soon as the middle schoolers come out, that whole bull is gone in.
I gotta say, when I was handing out candy at my sister's house a couple of years ago, I was horrified by how kids don't say thank you. And I'm not one of those people that's like say thank you, like I don't really care about that stuff generally when I'm dealing with kids, But just these kids snatching it and then walking away in there and their parents are standing right there like say thank you, Like what happened to that? Like that was just drilled into me as
a kid. You say please and thank you, and it's like these kids and their parents just come on. It's like you just watch your kids be so rude and just grab candy with I just I was like I couldn't believe. I was like, this next generation is fucked. There's like no like courtesy the innet.
There's this guy.
Yeah, you don't say thank you, you say fuck you on the internet. You're so right.
There's this guy in our town that he used to walk his dog without a leash, which drove Matt crazy, and every time he would go for a walk, inevitably he would come home and be like I fucking saw that guy again, and we like almost had a fight. And finally I'm like, just avoid this guy, forget this guy.
And then the guy eventually, I'm sure enough people in town talk to him about like you've got to have your huge dog on a leash, and because he'd be like in England, they don't need they don't have dogs on leashes, and everybody do. He like well, you're in New York. So on Halloween a couple of years ago, I was like, Matt, let's just be cool and open our house up to kids and give them candy. So we did, and this little girl came up and she.
Was the daughter of the guy. And there he was with his.
Dog reluctantly on a leash and his little kid. And then the little kid is like four, and she goes because our dog starts barking. She goes, why is your dog not trained? And I could just see in the living room, like god this And I was like, cause she's crazy. And Matt's like, no, she's not.
She's hot, she's got a great body, and she's perfect way she is.
And you should have turned to the parents and said, why is your daughter not trained?
I know where were you, Bran, I needed you.
I was probably in your basement.
Oh God, kids can just cut right to the core.
Yeah, little rats. Kids shouldn't be allowed to leave their house. I think, like, I don't think kids should be allowed on planes. I don't think kids should be allowed at hotels. At what age you need, like a funeral, you need to be going to a funeral in order to allow a kid kids to go to funerals.
No, it's not to say goodbye. They don't understand death, yet, let's not bring them.
The kids should go from home to school, to school to after school activities and back home.
I really am irritated with kids in first class, though, I think that is it happens.
I need my child.
Where each kid, each three year old, has their and because they have those, I don't get bumped up because it's all about availability. That means they bought that. It means the kids have the status, which there's no way they do. But then they they spent nine thousand dollars on that fucking flight, like because the first class ticket is just so insanely over tiny.
They don't need even more space, they need even less space.
But then are you to be in the coach with them?
Oh?
Okay, So I was wondering if you're advocating for the parents to be in first class and kids to be someone else's problem and coach.
I also think kids should be traveling.
Are they flying? Where are they going?
I think like five? Sure, but no, I think mine is babies. I just think toddler to babies, So I guess three and below. I don't think should add any reason to travel literally, ever, they're not getting a surgery that can only be done in a certain state or something. Yeah, they have like an operation, But I don't think. I mean, I just don't think. And I know it's like, but Grandma needs to see them. I've said this before, No she doesn't. Then she said she needs to travel or
And I also think old people. I'm tired of seeing old people being like whisked across the country and like so uncomfortable and not even knowing where they are and like having someone just drag them. I'm like, do they really want to be doing this? And I know, I know elderly people still want to feel part of the world and want to be able to travel absolutely if they want to. But I just feel like a lot of it is like you gotta go to, you know, Ariol's wedding, and it's just like you have to, like
you're just whisky. You're making these old people travel for a wedding of someone that they wouldn't even recognize that they ran into them a ntry.
Zoom in, zoom into the web, zoom in.
But yeah, kids don't need to be going to weddings. Kids don't need to go see grandma who lives States over, Like it's just then I mean maybe but then drive maybe. I don't know. I would probably fly with kid if I had.
When you were a kid, think about you going on trips and stuff like that. How many times are you with your parents and they're like remember and you're like, I've never been to the Grand Canyon? Then go, yes, you were, you were there when you were three? Says you don't remember shit until.
When you're like Ney Pargatia has a great joke about that where he's like, what am I supposed to just put throw my daughter in a closet and lock her in there until yeah, and starts having memories. Yeah, could have what shouldn't do? Yeah?
I do.
I just do think that people are selfishly bring their kids and their grandma grandparents when it's like they want that, but they don't understand like that the kid doesn't really need that, or the grandparent they're going to see doesn't really need that either, and it's like all for them.
More So, here's another thing. This is legit. This is legit. You might even agree with this in a non joking way. You're at a hotel I do not think kids should be allowed in the hot tub.
Oh yeah, they're not supposed to.
I don't want to be basically a hot tub either. Well okay, well I like it should be allowed at the gym, and they're not supposed to be the start working.
Until you're.
Nikki at a casino and there were four fucking children running around the gym on the elliptical like they were like joking around and their parents were just like there and I'm like, this is get them out of here. This is a distress to playground.
Yeah, I mean I would have loved a gym when I was a little girl, Like I loved like, oh my god, this thing, Like this thing moves and I get to run on it and I don't go anywhere like like Jim. Equipment is so fascinating. It was all I wanted was one of those. I asked for it for Christmas and I got one. My mom found out at a good will the things that you put your like you would go like this back and then your legs would move like a ski not an orderic track, because
those would go like like this is more like swooping. Yeah, no, lift those more like more like you're running. These are non existent now, but they were everywhere in nineteen ninety nine to two thousand and two, and they would your arms would go back like they It looked fun and it was fun for literally twenty seconds, and then I didn't use it ever again, but we did get one, and yeah, Jim, equipment can be really fun for kids.
Where did you guys go on family trips?
Skiing Park City, Michigan.
That was where you engaged with your family, engaged like family? Do you were you participating?
What does that? I mean? Yeah, we would do stuff like my I have a really fun dad, so like I, there would always be activities. There always be something to do. There would always be we're gonna go take the jet ski out. We're gonna go get rent a boat. We're gonna go to the sand dunes, we're gonna go skiing, we're gonna take skiing lessons. But then we're gonna go do this and we're gonna go to this park. Like
there was never a dull moment in my childhood. I had the most amazing childhood because I have a dad who is like loves to play, which is I was talking to Khaki this weekend Chris's sister about whether we would have kids, and I said, I think Chris would be a great dad. I just he only has a certain amount of energy and he would probably put it all into the kids, and then I would resent that
because I want him to put it into me. And I know he'd be he'd be the kind of fun dad that I would need, because I'm not gonna be a fun mom like I I would be like my mom, my mom justly be like that's a pretty picture, but she wouldn't like get on the floor with us and play,
and that was just the I would be. I just don't want to play, and I would I always said if I had kids, I wouldn't want a husband who's like, like, can't wait to play with kids, can't wait to make up games and play tag, and like is really engaging that stuff? And Chris is, But I want that. I want him to play with me. I would be like annoyed that it was going to somewhere else, and we only have so much energy the older we get, and so I was just like Kaki, it's just not gonna
happen for us. But I had no I was definitely engaged constantly in family trips all the time.
Yeah, that makes sense. You guys had a fun fam I just I was until I was a teenager. And then I just remember like reading Flowers in the attic and staring out the window on the trip to they were driving from like France through France to Spain, and like, why are you reading that book? And I couldn't tell my mom, like cause the brother and sister are owning well.
In high school, I got I definitely. There's a picture of me staring into the Seine River on a trip to Paris and I'm crossing my arm and I have posterior pelvic tilt going on like crazy. My torso was scooped under and I'm looking despondently into the sin River and I look so depressed, and I was. That was like when my depression really started in high school, and it was mine as well in France, and I was so mad we had to go because I was obsessed with my friends and I just wanted to be around
my friends in Kirkwood. I did not want to go anywhere in high school that my friends weren't and I would just like long for them and listen to Matchbox for many songs and like dream about my friends, like I was so gay for my girlfriends. I was literally gay, Like I'm not even saying gay as in like I was literally probably romantically in love with my girlfriends in high school because I didn't have anwhere else to put that kind of energy, because I didn't have soil.
It's actually very common for teenage girls to be with their gaggle of girlfriends. Like you always find teenage girls in the bathroom with all their friends just talking, gossiping. That's a very normal, hormonal thing that happens to teenage girls.
Loved, loved, loved my friends so much, and I just remember fantasizing about like like listening to Matt Twoswnian literally like daydreaming about hanging out with them while I was in France for like four days until I would see them again, and I was like longing for them like I was out war because I had to go on a fucking trip with my family and go tour cathedrals,
which by the way, I'm still bored by. Still that's still a part of my my core belief is that I'm not interested in seeing things just because you're supposed to see them, or because they're really old, or because that's what you do when you go there. I still don't believe in that, but yeah, I do realize. I was so lucky to have a dad that was like so playful and like I was, you know, when you're a kid. Someone had a great bit about it. I
was so jealous of this bit. But like when you're a kid, all you want to do is you're like, I have to go in to eat. I don't want to. We want to keep playing. Or I have to go to sleep. No, and like, now that's all I want to do. I don't want to do anything except those two things. And they used to be the fucking bane of my existence. And I that's was that Joe. Yeah, I think I've quoted it before, but it still stays with me. It's like, that is the truest thing I've ever heard in my life.
And how ironic all we want to do is eat and sleep. Now it's true. I think about that in the middle of a set, like when is my dinner?
I can't wait to EAT's all I think about? Soup? I just want to, but it's not good if it's not hot. Are you eating tumglass soup? Not hot anya because when we get out of food, there's no way it's still hot.
That's true. Well if some places they'll like make it like bionically hot, and then it's like and then.
You're eating the plastic that it was. Yeah, oh god, I am like, if it's too hot, that's burning the plastic.
I pour the soup out and just eat the plastic.
I got a bad batch of summer rolls last weekend. I'm still mad about it though.
Most summer rolls are disgusting. They're mostly horrific and poorly made. And all they have in it is lettuce and like one other thing and like a bean sprout, and they were just like an abomination, or they were just made because summer us are so trendy that they always run out, so they have to make new ones. So when you get them, they're hot and they're supposed to be still, they're supposed to be.
Hate when they're warm.
Discussing it's like biting into a lump dick. No olymptic olympic. But I know, uh, sushi, it's my obsession right now. Everyone knows it. I can't eat I can't go a day without eating it. I hate warm sushi. And that's why I don't like to go to sushi restaurants because it's always comes out the rice is.
Like it's from someone's hand, so that they they.
Make the rice. Now, the way to have sushi, like really grade a five star sushi is like it's it's room tamp warm.
I want my sushi dante. I know that's insane, but I it a little bit like with a bite to it. I want a little crunchiness to the rice. But I just found out if you if you make rice and then freeze it or put it in a refrigerator, it like cuts down the calories by like a third. No, yes, it like process your body processes it much faster and metabolizes it faster. I'm not interested in that, but it does. I knew there was something that I did. Like it's in the fridge. It's just so much better when when
sushi's cold. So that's why I like grocery store sushi the best of any sushi I've ever had, because it it's cold, and any restaurant you go to, it's just comes out it's a little bit warm.
I like the warm hands of a sushi chef.
Not into it, but I would like.
To put restaurants on notice for a minute here in regards to salads. I feel like, if you're not getting there's salad places like Sweet Green or whatever where you make your own salad, and those are doing all right. But when you go to a restaurant you order a salad. I feel like over the last few years, salad salads have become like almost nothing, Like they don't put ingredients in their salad. No, that's just let us yeah, I like,
when did that happen? Where you spend fifteen dollars on a salad and it's like it's like there's a there's a Mexican restaurant that's supposed to be like a fancy healthy restaurant that five years ago you get like a Caesar salad from them and it would be like romaine lettuce and crutons and like anchovies and stuff, and now you get it and it's just iceberg lettuce chopped up.
I feel like this is a scourge across the nation where restaurants have realized that we're not going to complain about the salad.
Well, most people don't like salad, so they when people order it, they feel really like self important, like okay, good, like I'm doing the healthy thing, not self important, but they're proud of themselves that like I'm doing the right thing. I got this burger, but I'm gonna be a side slid. So Russian's really realizing, like most people aren't really eating the salad because what they want is the unhealthy thing,
and they just kind of get it. And so we can really cut down on our food costs if we just make the salad smaller because that's what they want. Any They don't really want this thing anyway, they're just ordering it to be to seem healthy with the person they're eating with.
Right, we're here to say we're done with this restaurants.
That's my example of salad. Well, that's why anytime I'm not even joking this is this has been going on for so long, and I'm such a person that loves salad that if I order on your nose every weekend when we order, if I get a house salad from somewhere, how many house salads do I get? Minimum two, two
to three every single time? Because I know it is going to be a dinky asshole even if it's an eight dollars salad and I'm talking eight dollars in like Bethlehem, Pennsylvania, like eight dollars like a ship that's like a twenty dollars salad in LA I just want to know this has a dinner, not a side salad. If it's a side salad, I'll get like four. But if it's like how salad, I'll get at least two and then a plus an rain time.
There's one place that they're not advertising, so I don't need to say their name. They're a vegetarian sushi plays. They make the best salad I've ever had in my life. It's a kale caesar salad. It's all vegan. It tastes like mushrooms. They had like, okay, the place we just went in Florida, do you remember that place, it's vegan sus Planta. Yes, yeah, the best salad I think I've ever had.
I had that too, is it's that is really good with the capers.
And its yes and it tasta.
It's because I had it for Andrew's wedding. There was one in Miami, and then there was or and then there was also one in Fort Lauderdale. Is that where we were where we got it? Yes? Again yeah, So I had it two weekends in a row, and I had it in Marina del Rey when we did the NFL thing last week. I got Planta and they have
really good sushi. But the best vegan sushi that I've had was some grocery store in I think it was the Fort Lauderdale grocery store Susy or maybe no, it's Hershey, Pennsylvania. Wherever they got that sushi from. It was the best vegetarian vegan sushi had ever had. And it was some like I like just a Kroger or something. But we did. Uh we we gotta go to break. We're gonna talk about this past week when we get back because a lot happened and it involved everyone. We'll be back up
to this. So last week, I don't know if everyone saw, but I did the Thursday night Football on Amazon Prime as I have been wont to do once before, but then we did it on Thursday night. It was such a fun day. I really love doing that thing. I love writing with a room of really funny writers and like just it's not just all intense, like oh no, like it is intense because there's decisions that need to
be made. It feels like there's like the atmosphere of like an emergency room kind of thing, like we need that like a newsroom. Like it's very like we gotta get this to print. It's like there's that like kind of anxiety. But there's also like so many jokes being cracked that like aren't gonna make it on TV. Like we are just constantly goofing around being so funny, riffing
on things. Like it's I just like hanging out with a group of people that I've hand selected that are the funniest people I know that are are all in like a really good mood because we're doing this really cool thing. We're at you know, a NFL or we're at an NFL stadium. We're a part of this like huge NFL production. It feels important, it feels cool. Everyone just feels excited to be there and it's just so fun. It's me. It was a huge writer's room this weekend,
Like the first time we did it. We're in We're in New York, and so when it was only four of us three three at me you Ian Me, You, Ian, Sean and Chris, and then this time it was me you Ian me You Ian Sean, Chris Nicole.
Bill, Bob, Michael.
Michael and maybe someone else that I'm for, Like I can't. It was huge. It was a heavily schedules there. I get hair and makeup done at ten thirty or no eleven thirty, leave at one two, get to the venue at three, and then from three to five fifteen when the game starts, we are just writing and like talking about the script and sitting ground and like it's a little bit like less crazy. The night before we also.
Watch the other write like are you watching the game on a TV or on the field not?
You know, we're back in a room in the stadium.
You get buried in a dungeon, which is pretty close to usually the player's locker rooms.
Yeah yeah, we're real close.
Yeah, but you're in there in a windowless closet room. Yeah.
With and then it's you and when you're on the air, how long is that.
When I do the thing? Yeah, I do like for four minutes, three to four minutes. Yeah, so that's chock full of jokes. Then have you not seen it? It's it's like it's just me doing like a like kind of like a roast of you know what.
It reminded me of what Actually, it reminds me of Talk Soup.
Do you remember that show? Yeah, yeah, that's a really good reference actually, in fact, yeah, I mean, honestly, that's kind of it's it's you know that it's done in a way that's like I hope that I wanted to make something that a girl like me who doesn't know anything about sports would like her boyfriend would have this on the background and it would be the first thing that she looks up and goes like, oh, I can kind of understand some of this, Like some of it
is technical and I don't even know what I'm saying because it's like, you know, it's stats or whatever, and we're making jokes about stats. But then some of it is just like observations that anyone could make having no knowledge of the game, and it's just funny and fun and like anyone can understand it. And that's really what I wanted it to be, and it's what it it's turned out to be. And I've learned a lot about football through it, which is also a thing I wanted it to be.
Was like, you know, yeah, it's like, honestly, I don't watch the game. I know nothing about football, even though we talk about on this show, it's like nothing is absorbing. But no, when I watch you is just so fun
to just watch you roast everything. And on the last show we were talking about nuances and like in the creative process and stuff, like one of my favorite things in your delivery is when your voice like you're you're kind of holding back a laugh and you're talking through the laugh and your your your voice changes a little bit is.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, it's the best. Thank you. I think I know what joke you're talking about when I did that on this time of like yeah, where I'm just like excited to say something like do you ever like oh like and then it sounds like I'm presenting it like the conversationally you're and your pitch just gets a little bit higher. Yeah, I don't know, it's your favorite.
It's like, watch me do that the whole time next time and then it's not speciale but yeah, so it's and then but then I have a depression right after it because it's just like nothing will ever be the way the Tom Brady roast was in terms of like the risk, like the the amount of like holy shit, that was insane that you just like I will never get that responsible anything I do the rest of my life, Like I'm almost certain of it, and I shouldn't.
Like that was just well, there'll be a lot of There's not as many even though it's a football game. There's not as many eyes on the Thursday night football post game as there were on the roast obviously, so you just you're just automatically not going to get any amount of feedback at all that would even good or bad.
That would be comparable to the road, right right, I just I mean like even in the immediacy after it, it just is like it just there. It's not like no one's like, whoa, the stakes are so high, Like it just isn't It's like they're not one's going to care, No one notices. Yeah, it goes away. It's just such a thing that only exists in that moment kind of thing which is really freeing and fun, but it's over so fast.
This week I did feel pretty similar to the roast after No.
I Know you did? I was I was like kind of bombed after it because I fucked up the delivery on I would say thirty percent of the jokes, like I I just really didn't like how I said the joke, Like I just my timing was not right and I just didn't emphasize the right word. And I just like I, you know, it was just a joke that we had just written, so it's like I can't be expected to do it perfectly. But I was just like, man, I
let down whoever wrote that joke. I let doubt, Like I know, if I was a writer and I wrote that joke, I'd be like, fuck, she fucked it, Like that was such a good joke and she fumbled it. Like I just I felt like disappointed in myself for a couple things. So I was kind of like, even though it was overall a very successful showing, I was focusing on the things I could have done better and I couldn't stop thinking about them. And I was kind
of just like, I just want to go home. I just want to be alone and I don't want I don't want to run into any more people that like might not say exactly what I want to hear, which is that was amazing, which no one was saying because they have other fish to fry, Like there's a you know that the show isn't about me it's like I'm like a just a thing tacked on at the end as it should be. So it's just like I just
want to be claw machined out of there. I don't like you want to take a shuttle home with all the writers and a lot of the producers on the show time and sometimes see one of the hosts. It's just like I just don't want to be around anyone after it, Like I if it's not an A A plus plus plus plus plus, I just want to disappear and and be alone. And you can't really do that
after that. But but then it was good to be around you, Brian, because you are usually very harsh on yourself and and hard on and want everything to be perfect, and you were just in like such a good mood that.
I was very happy. I was floating. I was every step was I felt like I was bounced on with mood.
Everyone was like, what's going on with Brian. We're like, I think this is happy, it's giving happy, Brian. Well I was.
You know, I've I've been down lately, and I also had kind of lower expectations this time around, so because you know, last time obviously we had this screaming Drunken Hordes. This time, it went as well as we could have hoped in terms of production, and because we know the script was good, we know that you're going to be good. It was really up to like, are the uncontrollable aspects of this going to meet our expectations? And I felt like it did. Yeah, and so everything just came together
in my mind and it was it was great. I think that's why I was like looking at this or like this should be on every week, this should be every single game, which so.
I would do it every It's so fun and I love I just love working really hard for a short amount of time. I hate a long build up to something. Everyone's like the Golden Globes, isn't this great? Thieves all this time? And I was like, no, Honestly, I would love to be told two weeks before them doing the Golden Globes. I would be fine with that. I literally would. And I'm not trying to be like, you know, I'm not throwing any under the bus that had maybe complained
about not having enough time for me. That's just how I work best, Like, I'm just saying that is how that is. The I don't like I don't like a lot of time at all. I love that we are like, we don't have time to write a new joke. It's gonna be this one or this one, Nikki, And I'm like, oh that one. Like I like that. I think it's the pressure is that's the only way I get anything in my life done is last minute. It's it's just the way that I'm built, and I really wish I wasn't.
Do you guys feel that way? I mean, I feel like a lot of people do relate to what I'm saying, But I think some people do like a lot of time and like to like consider it and take like you're a slower person on you you like to like move it a slower clip, Like do you do well under those circumstances.
I need a deadline for something to get done too.
Yeah.
I like the pressure of it. And I really love working with a group. If I couldn't write for like a couple of years when I was writing alone, and then I rejoined my songwriting group, which is just like ten of us over email where we get a prompt every week, and then I just started like cranking out songs because I'd be like, I don't want to disappoint them. Yeah, and i'd get you get called out if you don't turn into song and then you get kicked out. So
I did not want my pride to get bruised. So that's okay.
Any of the songs on your album like are from that songwriting.
Group, I think all of it. I think all ten are from don't.
Really like seventy Did you really write seventy?
So I wrote like seventy songs.
Probably would you.
Give them like a special thanks to.
The Oh, I definitely did to the leader of the group, Bob Schneider, who's an amazing songwriter in Austin, Texas. I mean he came up with the girl shit, he came up with waiting or yeah, I came up with sugar, you are good, you are the letters you are good. I think I came up with beautiful and stoned. Yeah, but they're all from the group.
I believe that's insane that without the group that would not you would never written all those songs. Yeah, that those that was and that is the truth for everything in my life, Like, I would not create anything if there wasn't people expecting things from me. I don't even know how I got started in comedy. I think back to like the early days, when no one expected anything of me. What was the reason for me to do anything?
Like?
I don't. I signed up for a comedy thing, and I guess there was a deadline and I told my friends about it, so I guess there was some expectation. But without that built in, I would fucking get nothing done. Most of my jokes are written as I'm backstage about to walk on to stage. That is when all of my creativity starts like kind of coming out of me, and I come up with stuff. So like on the on the drive to the why why can't consistent?
Process, I think like your brain just starts clicking on when you're when you have to go on stage, and you do wind up writing more jokes. But for me it's the exact opposite. I when when it comes to like writing a script or something like that, I do that the best when no one is expecting it from it because I like to be like, surprise, I got this script.
You expectedness, Boom here it is, Oh WHOA, Okay, that's good.
I like to I like to be locked away in a closet for a month and then I come out with a script and then no one was like what were you doing in there? And it's like I have a script now, and they're like, who are you? You're not't repped here?
Is that like family stuff? That seems like how somebody would have to get attention in their family, or like where's Brian? Has anyone seen Brian closet?
Yeah?
Well, I think it's similar to like I can't do I don't like yoguts too slow, it's not doing anything for me. It's like it's like I need, I want something to be feel like I'm going to die and then and I want the countdown clock. Like I've walked out of classes because the clock wasn't working. The one day I showed up at Plank class in the clock, They're like, it's not working you guys, And I go, well, I'm not going to be here because I need to
know because yeah, yeah, it's not like I need. I am looking at that clock constantly being like okay, I got okay, I can do this. Twenty five more minutes. That's nothing. That's like meditating plus five minutes, like or when I used to meditate, it was twenty minutes, and I always like think about that like I need I need to know when something is going to be over. I need to know when the pain is going to be over. But until then I can be an excruciating
amount of pain. And for me, writing is excruciatingly painful. I honestly don't think that there is anything I would want to do less than write, and that it sounds so crazy, but I would rather get a root canal. By far its wa came out easy, truly. I'm trying to think of like, either do.
You like being with the group like you like and maybe that's how you thrive, like.
Writing vans Maybe no writing with a group, that's fine because then the writing alone, Yeah, writing alone nothing nothing. I can't think of anything more painful to me. I'm trying to figure out. I was talking on girls Chat last night. I'm just I don't know how to make to do it anymore, Like I don't know, I'm so scared of doing it and I don't And I'm in this book I'm reading called The Mountain Is You. It's talking about all these blocks we have and like, you know,
what are you? What is the thing you're avoiding? Like the if you're scared of? If you are scared of being like on a dying a plane crash, You're scared of losing control, and you seek control in your life. Like that's usually what it's about, is like you want control. It's not about you're scared to die in a plane crash. You just like feel you don't like feeling out of control. And so what is the fear? When I write, like why why would I rather be watching an air show?
Which one of my biggest fears. I would rather watch an air shows than sit down and have to think about my stand up set and write like what is that? What is the fear? And I guess the fear is not being as good as I think I might be and then having to live in that and sit in the chance that I'm not as talented as I think I am.
Well, also, because when you write, it's always shitty at first, and you think, like you think back to the last thing you wrote and you were like, but that was amazing. Why is this thing I'm writing shitty?
Yes?
And it's because, well, you have to write it and then rewrite it a million times to get to the good thing. It didn't just cut like rarely. Sometimes I guess it just comes out perfect. But most of the time you write something on it, you write something on the screen or a piece of paper, and it's like, this is fucking terrible, and that's why. And that's hard to get through.
Yeah, because when I start practicing, I'm like, this sounds awful. I don't want to listen to this. No, But by the third or fourth time through, it's going to sound better. So I just try to focus on think about how amazing you're gonna feel walking on stage totally prepared, and then that'll motivate me to perhaps that's.
Interesting to think about the future you after having put in this work. I just there's I if anyone out there listening has any advice on getting through a huge block that, like, I'm not kidding you, like I was relating it this and I feel like this is the perfect analogy for me. Is like when I was anorexic, I could not eat and I don't know why. I
can't describe it. If you've ever had been anarexic, you know what I mean, or like bliemic, and people are like, just stop throwing up, just start eating, Like it seems like the simplest thing. You've did it before you like it doesn't make sense to people why you can't eat. I just couldn't eat. And that is literally how I feel about writing right now. I and I and I am looking at my life. I'm like, this is why I'm so busy. I just don't want to have any
room where I could write. And I was talking to my therapists last week about how I really don't do well when I don't have something to do at all hours of the day, and she said, why, what is the root of this, Like what are you scared of if you're not you know, smoking pot, playing guitar, masturbating, running, doing a plant class, going walking your dog, Like these are all the things I do when I don't have actual work right, Like I never just like sit and
watch TV without food going down my face, Like I'm always like doing something, consuming something. And I was like, it's because I feel guilty I'm not writing. So if I just keep my life busy enough, I never I never have to write. So anyone has any advice on how I can start writing and get past this, I will take it like I am like, literally I don't
know what to do. And this has been going on for me, like my whole life, like I do write like I don't want people to think if you come see me on stage, like you're gonna see old shit or whatever, like the well I write, Yeah, I write on stage. I write on the car ride over when I'm like, oh, I just need a new joke, and then I'll be like I'll intensely be in my phone for a second and I'll just write something in like a couple of minutes if it's all takes. Like, people go, Nikki,
how did you come up with that on stage? That was so quick? And I'm like, well, if I came up with it on a Starbucks on my laptop, it's the same quickness. It comes out either way, you know, like a joke.
Why are you questioning your your process? Like why something if it's not broken?
I well, because I'm not writing at the clip I want to like I would like to, and and when when I do write, noah, Like it's always under pressure and I don't ever leave enough time for myself. It's always like, oh, man, if I had a couple more minutes, this would even be tighter. So if I started that kind of writing that I do on the way over to the venue or literally as I'm walking to stage. The joke would be so much better if I just had five more minutes to add to it, and I
could give myself that time out a Starbucks. But I just for some reason, that's not gonna help anyway. I'm literally paralyzed.
Like I'm gonna help you if you give yourself five more minutes to try to perfect the joke.
Oh it totally would it? Totally would I you're wrong, I'm not kidding you.
I get I got it wrong. I suggestrong. Okay, oh that's good, Okay, hold on. My My suggestion is talk to your tour manager, Matt Pond to give you the wrong set times so that you have an extra five minutes.
That doesn't work because she's so good at time management. She'll show up twenty seconds before she needs to be somewhere because she knows she's just not late. But if you tell it, you know what I mean, like, she'll figure something else out. I think it's true. You are successful because you've gotten here. This is your process. Why question it? Do you really need to increase the clip of your writing? Is that true?
I would like to I would I would like to be like I look at the comedians like that I want to level up to and it's going to take a lot more effort than I have been putting in, like I am I you know, or like you know, it's just going to take a different kind of effort to be like, let's say I want to do a clean special like that is going to take a different part of my brain that I need to like spend time nurturing and getting to know that I am not leaving room for that person to emerge when I am
just writing on a treadmill because I have three more minutes of the walk and then I start getting ready for the show, and I do want a local reference for this Tampa show, So let me just write a Tampa joke really quick in three minutes, because that's all I've allowed myself.
Is there something wrong with that?
Yeah, the joke doesn't come out as good because I don't leave myself as enough time. And then I have to start getting ready and then I have to walk on stage and I like, for instance, the show that I alluded to on last episode, that was one of the worst experiences of my life. It I wrote so many jokes because I knew it was gonna be bad because of like I saw the setup for it. I saw like I found out a lot of details about the show that I was like, Oh, this has potential
to go really bad. So I built in all of these jokes. I wrote a ton of jokes that were out for these moments to like. And I was so proud of the jokes, like I love I loved them all. I was like, Okay, I hope this set goes bad because this stuff is so funny to say about it.
And then I get out there and because I didn't write those jokes with enough time to memorize them and practice them and get them an order in my head, they were not there for me when I started panic, when I started not doing well, Like when you let's like you can tell yourself a million times when you're driving down the highway, if I hit a patch of black ice, turn into it. I'm gonna want to turn out of it, but it's the better to turn into it. Or when you go out to the.
Sea and you get any when you hate black guys, you're supposed to glide or.
Whatever it is, like it's there's some kind of rule that when you start skitting out, Yeah, well when you're driving off snow. Have you guys heard of that? Like you're supposed to drive, you're supposed to steer into it, which is the opposite that your body wants to do.
I always heard you're supposed.
To let go. Okay, let me give another example. When you are caught in a riptide, you are supposed to swim parallel. You're not supposed to swim against it. Right, You're gonna drown. Right, So we all know that it's been drilled in, like I thought about a million times. But you that all go out the fucking window when you have a fight or flight response, like you don't you unless those things are ingrained in you and you've practiced them with your body over and over and memorize them,
you're not gonna have them. You can have your notes in front of you. I have all these jokes written in front of me to get out, but I when I start doing poorly, I don't go to those jokes. Do you know what I go to? I go to a joke I wrote ten years ago that I don't
even remember the ending to. That's what That's the life vest that I throw myself over the you know from the carnival cruise, I just throw myself like a beach towel instead of like an inflatable thing that I blew up like and now I'm just like holding onto this wet towel, sinking even further and I don't even know how to get back to the boat at I've left myself nothing, and it's And if I would have memorized those jokes, if I would have just written those jokes
an hour prior as opposed to when I did, I would have had a chance to memorize them more and then they would have been there for me. So that's what I'm saying, Like, that's why I know that that won't happen again, is because I'm going to now leave myself two hours to prepare before a show like that instead of one.
Okay, realistically, how much time would you say you need before every show to take your jokes from where they're at to the level you'd like them to be at? Realistic amount of time.
Like focused looking over my set and like writing like an hour, But I that sounds a long time. Fucking hell yeah, Like I mean, but that's what most That's what the best comedians do.
Knowing Nikki Glazer as well as you know her, how would you even like get that hour into her life?
I would tell that wouldn't be hard, Like I would say, instead of singing Taylor Swift songs before a show, you don't get to do that.
Well, you're not happy that you.
Have show two hours earlier, then you have to showup an hour earlier. So you can get your tails with songs and you can do your thing, but then you don't get to sleep, and so now you're going to be a little bit sleepless.
Why aren't you doing this at the hotel room? The writing?
Because I can't do that. What I don't even know what that looks like?
That's what I would do.
Oh where do you need to write?
Well?
Works best?
Right?
I need to be like about to go on and like I guess, backstage in a room by myself. But I don't want that because then my friends are in the next room. And if I'm at a hotel, I mean we get to a hotel usually around one or two. I want to get in a workout, I want to get in an app. There's just no room for it.
Okay, so this totally makes sense why you're having a problem it's just not realistic for your life or your personality to do sixty minutes of focus to work alone before a show, like checking all these boxes you need checked.
It has to be why I keep my life like this so I don't have to do it and that.
But your life would be kind of miserable with you. I think you need a certain amount.
Notion is just nikky. Ten minutes. Yes, ten doesn't have to be an hour. Let's make it ten minutes and see what happens.
Do you do less? Also, the other thing, yeah, that's important for successful people is pain. Like you have to be in sufficient pain to make a change in your life at least, like you know that.
Yeah, and I'm in deep pain right now, Like I'm reaching a Like I was reading the Mountain as you and they were like the only way that you're going to change your life and take it to the next level of like like the person you want to be, you're you're not comfortable with who you are is like you have to hit a bottom, and your bottom might
not be like a bottom bottom. It might be like just this right above a bottom, Like knowing that you don't want to hit a bottom might be your bottom and I'm like at that thing where I'm like, Okay,
I need intervention. And I've been in this place before and I've done nothing about it, Like this is just a common thing for me to always reach this place and go it needs to start today, Like even the book was talking about like people who are like I need to lose weight, like I'm going on a diet tomorrow, and they do it and then they just find themselves at the drive through again and again. Like that's me. I just will not do the thing I know I
need to do. And that's why I'm begging for anyone if you know of like any other method to start doing the thing that you absolutely know that you won't do. Oh, I have a method because this has happened to me. Really share it. After the break we're back. What is it it's happened to you, Brian.
Now that everyone's anticipating this method, I just while I have everyone's attention, I just want to say, if you encounter black ice, what you're supposed to do is just allow the steering wheel to take you wherever it's going. Okay, do not touch the brakes. That's the worst thing you can do.
It's the thing okay, yes, but that is like not intuitive, right, Like no, you.
Want to stop and like spin against it.
And start to bomb on a set, and you have all these outs that you've made for yourself to like get out of it, and then you have none of those tools when you start because your your faculties are gone and you're panicking. You can't think logically.
When that happens. I mean, God, that has happened a lot to me lately.
Like it's like when people are say, carry mace with you, I'm like, I'm not gonna know to like get my mace out when I'm being violently attacked, Like I'm not gonna think to do. That's why I gotta get the fucking flash light. Noah, Okay, So what's the method, Brian.
I'm interesting.
Our good friend Bill Dixon is helping me with this right now. Unrelated to writing, and this also helped Anya. You need a buddy system, yes, where you go where you say, hey, God, you write for ten minutes, I'll write for ten minutes, and you're accountable to this one individual person and you both are benefiting from it. So it's not like they're doing you a favor.
Yes, Nikki, you helped me with this too. When I was feeling insecure about my voice, you were taking voice lessons. Then I started taking voice lessons, thinking maybe that could help me. Now before shows, it is non negotiable that I do my vocal warm ups. I have to do that every day before a show, whether it's at the hotel room or whatever. I tell myself non negotiable. I'm doing that and it helps so much.
So you could do that with You could be.
Like, all right, now we do our non negotiable ten minutes. I can go do my vocal warm ups. You can go do your thing.
Yeah, that's a good idea. I like that.
Yeah, you guys, even though it's different things, you guys can still hold each other accountable to those non negotiations.
But at the same time hold on where Yeah, where would Nikki's starting point be? And I actually, during our very short break, I was thinking, you picked up on the game of football in you know, maybe a couple of months, and now you actually have knowledge of football more than you did like three months ago. You're in these writing teams, in these writing groups, it's fun. You
get to you get to hang out. You were just talking about how much you love that atmosphere, and I think the more you're in there, the more that muscle is getting exercise, and that is going to compel you to have that starting point where Ona does her vocal warm ups and you're in your room for ten minutes.
That's why I've been bringing some writers on the road with me to like help me talk about my act. But then I bring them out and they're always like, when are we going to do it? And I go, let's like film and TikTok video instead, Like I am, I even like tiny that influence. I find avoidance. I'm like, let me go watch you smoke a cigarette like I will do any and they go, I feel bad, you like brought me on here for just and I'm like,
it's really about the hang. And then I avoid working, even though to.
Them in a text, hey this works for you and me because you'll say, hey, sometime this weekend, will you remind me of blah blah blah blah blah, And then I make a note, don't let NICKI forget to do X y Z, And sometimes I forget. Most of the time, I don't, so text them that way they know you are expecting them. It's part of their job to say time out, When are we doing our ten minutes.
Of that's not going to happen.
But then I say, I don't feel like it. I'm not in a good right now. I always say that I know that's you're bad, that's your bad, But that's what I'm saying. What do I do to stop being bad?
Yeah? Well I have the answer for that too, because so for the person that you're describing, I can't even imagine in a million years him ever doing that. Going, no, now it's time for us to write, Nick.
That would be no, it's no.
What you need to do is establish a outside of the weekend. You need to do a zoom or something that's one hour of writing. Yes, where you go. This is the purpose of this is just to write for an hour and it's not in person even or in the hang or in the weekend.
Yeah, do you guys start out to write like nothing? Or do you have a topic that you bring or like I know, I.
Usually a'm like, here's the things that I am interested in talking about on stage, and here the angles I'm thinking about, Like what do you guys think about this? Like where? And then a lot of it is just like watch my here's my set. I'll send them my set and I'll be like, do you have any ideas for other places I could go? And it's just like that doesn't really work for me because I just never
want to look. Then they send their notes, and I like never look at their notes because I just don't want to see at like how either little that they could help me because they not because they're not good, but because like the premise isn't good, and then I feel bad about myself or I don't know what it is. I just don't want to. I don't don't want to look at it. I just don't want to. I just don't want to deal with it. It's just such a strange.
Sounding you don't have like a tour manager of your life type of thing, Like Matt's your tour tour manager, and he like he would totally if you told him this, he'd be like, oh, I can just remind Nicky or I can say okay, now it's time for that.
Not doing that, I would just say I don't feel like it tonight, and that's you. I never feel like it. But hitting it right is like I need to do like zoom meetings like on every week that the atmosphere I do. Yeah, yeah, you see it as cross training.
So these zoom meetings, maybe you have just something else that you work on, whether it's just jokes about TV shows or sports, and then the cross training part is again you're exercising that muscle and then you can go into your own jokes and punch them up and build them up.
One thing we're all neglecting is you are a three. You are any certain type of personality, you get really like turned on in quotes, not sexually, but like what gets you going is competition and hearing that somebody else at your level or like some competitor is doing X y Z, or you get really inspired by people like Kobe Michael Jordan, Like every time you watch a documentary like that, you're like, I'm going to start doing that
like them. So you need maybe you need to set a reminder in your calendar that's like so and so is killing it and if you were do your ten minutes right now, you would also be killing it or something like that where you're like, yeah, fuck that. Also, you got really into football when somebody whose music you really liked started dating a football player, Like you get inspired by certain things, figure out what those things are.
Is it competition? Is it being wanting to get closer to somebody else, wanting to learn more about a topic, Like maybe if you were like I want to be as excellent as Blank, I'm going to do that ten minutes.
Yeah, that's what I say to I saw Brian. I'm just like, I couldn't even like touch that. That's like an embarrassing to try, and then I will fail so bad that it'll be so embarrassing to me. But these are all interesting. It's nice to hear this feedback and have a couple options here. I mean, there was a thing I was doing over COVID that I remember talking about on the old u uppod, but Brian, I might have you research it. It is a it's a thing
that you do. It's like a zoom that you do, and you are assigned a person that randomly that also needs to get something done, and you both talk before the time limit starts about what you're gonna do, and then you start, and then you both have a camera on you and you are working and you don't talk the whole time, and then at the end of it you talk about what you just did, and I did it like five times. I got so much done because
you can't abandon your buddy. And it's like a it's a it's a free website that you go onto and it's like, oh megal, and they like it's almost like they just set you up with someone randomly who also needs and you said it, you you schedule it, so then you show up and they assign you someone and
it's you and one other person. You both have your camera on you and you just get work done at your laptop and you talk about what you're doing right before, like I Oftentimes it'd be like this guy would be need, like I have to go through the spreadsheet and make sure the times really correlate with the thing, like some boring thing, and I'm like, I have to write a joke about my discharge or whatever it was. And then he'd be like what and You're like, are you Nikki?
I'm like yes. He was like, I go, how many times have you done this? It was such a cool thing. It was called like something buddy or like I forget and I really want to do that again because.
That accountability body was it.
No.
It had a really fun, kind of cute name and it was. Will you google it, Brian to see if you can find out it wasn't it is. It's a accountability partner that you get randomly assigned to that also needs to get something done. And it is a free service, and it's probably sets the clock for like fifty minutes, and it leaves five minutes at the top to talk about what you're gonna do and five minutes at the end to talk about what you did. And you can't
abandon your partner. You can, but like it would be really shitty.
So I've got commit club, no support y, but.
I guess there's lots of these. God, what was it?
Focusmate?
Yes, focus mate? Thank you. It's called focus Mate and that's where you thank you so much for looking it up. Yes, and you go and you can make an appointment. I'm going to do that. I think that's what I'm going to get back into because I forgot about that.
David says, I need to reply to five emails in book a flight, and Natalie says, I need to sketch a user flow.
And then what happens.
I have to sign up to see what happens next.
Yeah, so final thought, focus Mate, you go on and you get just you meet a person and you go like, where are you in the world?
Oh?
Really, like I've I've taught I did you know focus mat with like people in all over the world try to come over the country couldn't Yeah, like I was going to say, and then I I just felt racist. Whatever country I shows.
Anyway, Hey, I happy me to ask you.
I'm going to do a focus meet to come up with a country for where my focus mat was. What I have in my notes to ask you? Uh? Are you excited to see me? Okay? So this weekend I went to see Taylor Swift in New Orleans. My weekend was insane. Let me just walk you through it. Los Angeles Thursday night, NFL Live on TV, Amazon Prime. Friday, fly to Fort Lauderdale, do a show and also a Playboy interview and also a photo shoot after the show.
Also hair and makeup and a meet and greet. Saturday early morning, seven am, hair and makeup, nine thirty interview until eleven thirty. Then drive to Fort Myers two shows with a meet and greet in between. Insane. Then Sunday fled New Orleans Fort Eras, and then on Monday, fly to the gig that I've been talking about that I'm just I don't even want to give specifics because I'm just I'm still processed. I'm still in the trauma of it, right. So then fly to another country to do a gig
for the on Monday, and then Tuesday back home. That was last night.
You saw the asport on you cud.
Yeah, I always on my passport.
Yeah.
We also Jen has bring your passport in bold written the week before throughout my calendar. So it's really that there's no way I could forget.
I'm inspired. I got to get on that.
Oh fuck yeah, IDs.
I got my real ID that we needed to. Except knew because it was like right after COVID. I knew it was going to get harder and harder to get to the DMV to do this. So when it was like during COVID and nobody wanted to go there, that's when I went.
I will be getting my real ID, may I think the CUS like May twenty six, I will be getting in the day before. It's just ridiculous. But what is it a huge process? Is it okay?
Like oh no, But what's hard is that as you get closer to that date, the line at the DMV is just going to get longer and longer.
You do it online.
Yeah, I voted early yesterday and the line was ridiculous.
You have to go to the d MV to do, which is.
To travel of the day that I'm voting.
Well, you can vote early tomorrow.
Oh that's true. Maybe I'll do that tomorrow.
I've already voted.
Yeah, you can vote today.
Tomorrow.
You can vote this year.
They'll use this hull quote pull quote.
Yeah. So then, but on Sunday I went to Eras Okay in New Orleans with Khaki and current Chris's brother and sister, and it was so much fun, so glad, Like at the last second, I was maybe not going to go because I'm like, I can't. I should have.
In hindsight, I shouldn't have gone. I should have prepared for the show that I can't even talk about because it was so uncomfortable and I could have maybe done better had I prepared, but probably not because it was a lot of things that I couldn't control about it. But anyway, that would have been so much more fun. I can't. I can't wait to talk about like it's too fresh for me. I'm too wounded, but in hindsight, like it, I'm already mad that I already talked about it.
I promised myself I wouldn't because I don't want anyone to think that I'm not being like having like killing it right now in life. But I had a rough night of work. This is your brand, I know, but like it just it's I don't know. I just want the people that I consume and like think are great, Like I don't ever want to hear about them failing until it's like years later, and then they can talk about something that they failed at, like yeah, like like the person I like now would never do that. Like
I don't know. I just have these expectations for myself that I know that everyone doesn't. But whatever, so we all have bad nights and but anyway, so I went to Eras and I'm in the gym right before it. I know, I know the timing of Eras right like now. I used to like not see the opening act because it's like I'm gonna be on my feet for three hours and forty five minutes, Like I don't need to
add the opening act to that. Even though I love Paramore, even though I do love Heime I actually did see I'm in LA, but I generally just get there a little late. And I know that's disrespectful, and I'm sorry to opening acts. I've been one before too, and I get it, but you got to understand anyway, Grace Abrams, I'm not skipping that. Like she's She's a part of it for me now. She's like literally like I'm Taylor Swift levels. I was obsessed with Gracy Abrams music right now.
It's like in my bones. I love it so much. So I'm so excited to see Gracie. So I'm like, Okay, we got to get at I know the exact time we're gonna make it there. I go down to the gym to work out, and they're I'm getting a little nervous because it's like there are these four women come in and they are getting ready for the show in the gym because their room isn't ready yet, and they're being really cool about it, by the way, even though their rooms should have been ready was four forty five.
But they're getting ready, and I'm like, oh, should I be getting ready? And then I'm the only one in the gym and I'm like and I'm looking outside and there's just like throngs of people on the street dressed in so like all going to the show. And I'm like, man, and I'm late. It doesn't really have anything to do
with it. I was kind of panicking and they were kind of looking at me, and then they started playing music on their phone to like get ready with even there's four women in there, I would say early forties, mid to early forties, all getting ready and I was listening to music and I go, I guess I don't need music. Let me just like chill with you girls, and they're like, oh, we're so sorry. I'm like no, this will be so fun. And I'm like, is it just your first show? And they were like yeah, and
they were like have you been before? And I'm like ah, They're like how many times? And I'm like I don't really want to say I really don't like to tell people anymore because it just it's not it's they just are so confused and they don't know what to say. So I said twice this is gonna be my twentieth and they go, are you and her family or something? And I was like, oh no, which is really funny. I was like I wish.
No.
I I just don't have kids, is my answer, because these women clearly did. And and I say that just because they seem basic. And so I not that it's basic to have kids, but like if you're basic, like not everyone who has kids is basic, but if you're basic, you have kids. I have my argument. I'm a yeah, mom, Yes, this was giving mam a bear and I'll get to that in a second. And so these women were getting ready and they were so cute and uh, having so much fun with it, and they were like, we're so
glad we did this. We almost didn't do this. It was gonna be such a fun night. And then and I was just like overhearing their conversation. And then the one was like, can I just ask you a question? And I was like, oh, here it is, yes, I am. You know. She goes, do you drink? And I was like I don't and she was like, uh, makes sense. Anyone who's fit they don't drink. I got to stop drinking.
And I was like that's not actually true. I was like, I literally just got fit like a couple months ago, Like I this is new to me, and this is that was honestly my first like free weights workout. Ever maybe my second Like I'm doing free weights now because I did them with Kirsten when I was in Kansas City and my body hurts so bad. After words, I realized Plots is not doing everything I needed to be doing, which is really disheartening. So now I'm doing like weight workouts and.
No replacement for weights there.
Isn't it fucking sucks because weights are so hard and they're dirty, and like you just always feel like you're doing it wrong, and you always like kind of like having to like go the guys there and you go, oh, you're using those and they never have three pounds. There's five pound, and there's only one set of five pound, there's only one set of ten pounds, and that's guess what.
That's what most women are using are five and ten pound, And so if there's one other woman in the gym, you have to use the ten pounds and you don't have enough arm strength to.
Use do you have five and thirty?
Sure? Yes, I'm sure. Why don't we just make lots of twenties and twenty fives and why don't we make lots of fives and tens and seven point fives? But we don't anyway. So I'm doing this, and I go to be honest with you, I just started working out like this, like I'm not a naturally fit person, and I quit drinking, like you know, I think it's twenty eleven, fourteen years ago, and and she was like, no, I got a quit drink and whatever. So that was part of the So they were but she's not going to
because basic. Right. So, and it sounds like I'm being catty, but this is what it brought me to, Like this is just not the attitude that I think anyone should have, and I just want people to be better. Okay. So these women were all talking about their husbands and one of them and I'm so sorry if this gets back to you. Girls. I really did like you. I just didn't like this one comment you made and you were basic.
But that doesn't that's just me being jealous that you have like families and lives that are like predictable and mine is not. And so I have to make yours seem worse to me because I'm jealous of it. Okay, So it's really it's out of love and jealousy. That's where it's coming from. Yeah, it's not hate. But I did not like this, and I think everyone can be better. And I only didn't like this because I do it sometimes too, and I think we can all be better.
And so please just know if you're listening to this, somehow made it to your ears. Ladies. And by the way, when I told them I didn't have kids, they go, we have a friend Steven downstairs you should meet, and I go, I didn't say I didn't have a boyfriend. It's not like I'll steal. It's so funny to me. They just assumed I was single because I don't have kids. There's a guy down there who would love to give you kids right now. Yeah, I love to come outside
see Martin. Yeah, And so they go. One of them asked, the other one, is your husband a swifty?
Like?
Is is Brian? Does he like Taylor Swift? And she was like, well, you know, he doesn't have a choice. I'm listening to it all the time, and he acts like he's annoyed, but I see him like the other night we were listening to nineteen eighty nine all night long, and then later on I heard him saying, like singing to himself, I was excited to meet you and the
song is enchanted and it's I am enchanted. I wasn't chanted to meet you, but Brian said excited, and she goes and I said to him, excited you think she's She just said excited, it's enchanted excited. Oh my god, like or why would she be excited to meet someone? It's like, shame this guy. I'm like, why would you have that response to your boyfriend who has tolerating this music that he is not prone to listen to. He's finally, he's finally becoming a swiftie. Why would you discourage him
by berating him and being like, you're so cool? Because you know the lyrics, by the way, enchanted and excited aren't not synonyms. You could eventually get to them. It's not crazy. It's the same amount of symbols. It is
the same letter. And I was very, very annoyed that she discouraged because if I got lyrics wrong to something and someone who loved this person was like, oh my god, it's enchanted, not excited, you fucking idiot, you fucking retart, or whatever, they would say to me, like this tone that this woman had with her husband. But by the way, divorce her immediately if this is you, Brian, because she's not you Brian, but like this guy that she was talking about, like, I was just like, I hope that
he leaves her because this was so mean. Why wouldn't she go, oh my god, that's like if Chris did that. I would be like, Babe, I love that you are singing it that way, Like, let's change it. Let's now sings. Let's call that song excited, and let's like make shirts that say excited, Like I would make it a thing. I would, because don't you want to bring your partner into something you love instead of berating him and shaming him for getting it wrong.
It's also fun to make up the lyrics to songs. I'd sing the songs around all the time. I would be like, it's in it's uh egg plant to potatoes, and I would just be singing that over and over again in the kitchen while I'm cooking.
Yeah, that's a hit. I'm sure she was virtue signal, or like not virtue signally. She was creating formatively saying this to her friend to prove just what.
A swifty she was. Make swifty yeah, even that is like just be not like I just want everyone as someone who came into football with no knowledge of it and honestly probably didn't want to even learn about football because I was so ashamed of how far behind I was. That's the kind of thing that I was scared of getting met with when I didn't understand things. Is like what you thought it was.
This, It's that like football fans are just much more welcoming than swifties. That's just what it comes down to, and.
Not general like generally swifties. I think like swifties. I'm not just talking to swooties. I'm talking to anyone about anything where you're the expert and it's your thing when someone is trying or it's like absorbing and they're getting it a little bit right, like encourage them, don't like shame them about it. So I just like felt so
bad for this guy. And and by the way, Ki kick that your big stance and like you are making such a big joke of your husband getting a word slightly wrong, Like this is what made me be like these women need to quit drinking and need to get more better personalities and add more interesting things to talk about, because this is not interesting.
It wasn't funny that like the irony is that you have a great motherly quality. That is such a great quality to have as a mother, to like teach kids without judging them.
You should go me with thank you.
That's so nice. I don't want to play with them, but I do want to teach them that it's okay to make mistakes as long as you're eager to learn. And like this poor guy like liked this song, and you know he'll never hum another fucking to enjoy Taylor Swift ever. Again, it's done. It's done for him. So encourage people to fuck up if they're trying to like a thing that you are such an expert on, because you that are once when SE came to that whatever these poor women, I know this is gonna get back
to them. There's gonna be someone who connected that they were getting ready in a gym. My friends got ready in the gym this weekend in New Orleans. I gotta send this podcast to them. Don't do that. That's so mean. Don't do that to your friend either. That's a mean thing to do. I'm sorry if those are you, But and you probably were exaggerating the story to be funnier, which I've done before too, And I'm probably exaggerating this
story for it to be funnier, and it's not. So we've all been there, but like that, really I just felt for that man where it's like, just don't be a mean woman.
That's that's true.
It Like I felt like I was watching like an episode of Yes Dear or something, you know what I mean, Like we're like where it's like in the nineties, every woman was just like, uh, my dumb husband, Like it may it really ruins the idea of marriage to me, watching like tool Time or whatever home improvement. Oh my god.
Sean O'Connor said the funniest thing this weekend when I was talking about I was talking about, like if I make my own TV show, like you know, like I think I said this the other day about nobody wants this, Like it was irritating to me to watch Nobody wants this because she's the host of a podcast, and I've thought about making a TV show where I'm the host of a podcast and people are like, you can't do that.
It's already been done on Sex and the City, you can't do that again, And it's like, yes, you can,
like you can do anything. And he goes because I was like, I'm tired of trying to come up with like jobs for my character that I would never do, you know, like I'm going to be a host of something, I'm going to be in entertainment, Like I'm not gonna be the owner of a gift shop at the mall or what you know, Like that's just not if I'm gonna play a character that's me, that's not gonna be a good show because it's not gonna be what I would do anyway. And he said, yeah, like for like
you know, Tim, like that's why Seinfeld worked. Like they just made him a comedian because that's he wasn't trying to be anything else, which was a really kind of novel thing to do back then to have like a show about a comedian, because it was every every comedian that had a show about themselves would just like make a new job up. And he was like, like, Tim Allen, they made him the host of a tool show, which is not even a thing. I was like, it's so funny,
that's so true. They made up this like genre of show that doesn't even exist, just so Tim Allen could have a job that wasn't stand up comedian, even though that's like what they were trying to what can we plug him into where he tells jokes? Oh, a comedy tool show.
And it was so effective, like so many people thought he actually did that.
Dude, it it. I thought that was like they yesterday, it was like Bob Vila this old house, but there wasn't like a live audience tool show, improven show where there was like a where there was a guy that was just making jokes the whole time. Like so it's and I don't even know what I was trying to get with this, but like, yeah, I guess I was excited to meet you guys or enchanted whatever it is, I guess that's our show. Check out Anya's album Asteroid Out,
available now on your Marina dot com. Get a girl Shit t shirt. See us on tour the dates that I need to plug where you guys are not buying tickets to which it's so nice that I don't have to plug dates anymore. You guys are coming out in full force. I'm adding shows just at in New York City, added Chicago Theater, second show, like these are huge venues that I the first time around, I was like, couldn't even sell out and now I'm selling two shows. It's like,
I'm so grateful, thank you so much. But the towns where I need to promote Memphis, and that's the twenty third I believe with November Memphis, come on out for that. Their tickets still available that I need to push. And then this weekend in Tulsa, I think there are tickets that one isn't selling as well. I mean, I guess that's just like in Oklahoma, Tulsa, Oklahoma, and that is going to be on I think that's Friday, right Anya, We're.
In Oklahoma City on Friday, and then.
On Saturday, So Tulsa, I think Oklahoma City is probably close to sold out or sold out. And then Tulsa their tickets available this weekend. If you know someone in Tulsa, don't send her this deer friend if she got ready at the gym in New Orleans for eras and yeah, and then check them all my tour dates Niki Glaizer dot com. So many new ones added, besties coming out to shows. The Oh yeah, I'm going to Australia and
New Zealand this summer. Fucking Nottstuwed I'm so excited for that tour I can't believe I'm going to a place I've literally never performed stand up comedy. Wow, and that there are going to be people who know me there that come out to shows.
Oh yeah, they're gonna love me.
NOI why what I'm saying to that? And then I just want to thank the besties that have listened to every single episode of every podcast I've ever done. I forget your names now, but you came to the show this weekend in Fort Myers. I'm so sorry I forgot your names. You were so amazing. I loved hugging you,
I loved seeing you. You made T shirts that had a reference to something from high school that like I sent to my girl like my girlfriends from high school, and they could not believe a T shirt got made with a reference to Jay Holly is the biggest fucking all of Fort Myers. I'll just leave it at that. Like Jay Holly himself, I told him that and he said, oh my god, Like you blew people's minds this weekend's girls with those shirts that you made me in the hat you made me, Thank you so much to every
bestie that comes out. You don't need to bring me gifts, but man that that really was like so funny. I love seeing you guys. I love you and thanks for listening. Don't be good bye. The Nicky Glazer Podcast is a production by Will Ferrell's Big Money Players and iHeart Podcasts. Created and hosted by me Nicki Glazer, co hosted by Brian Frangie, Executive produced by Will Ferrell, Hans Sonny and Noah Avior. Edited it engineered by Lean and Loaf, video
production Mark Canton and music by Anya Marina. You can now watch full episodes of the Nicki Glazer podcast on YouTube, follow at Nicki Glazer Pod and subscribe to our channel