The Nicky Gliser Podcast. O Glaser Posa, here's Nikki. Hello here, I am welcome to the show.
Yes, that's right, that's Noah's voice, live and in the flesh. Mama, Noah is back on the show. Uh, Brian is here too. Noah, welcome back to the show. Oh my god, you're a full blown mom now? Yeah? Do you It's like, is it? Is it okay? So many questions to ask. Does it feel like coming back to work and like getting your
bearings on, like going back into the real world. Does it feel like you're coming out of the show alone and like you've been in the wilderness kind of for a while and you've acclimated to that life and now you are, you know, just re emerging and your tanner and you're oh draggled, and you've built a bunch of stone shelters and you've been forging for food. Like does it feel like kind of like bleary eyed, like coming back to life?
Like, first of all, I cannot believe that it's been three months. Three months Jesus Christ, like a quarter of a year, I've heard, And it feels like sort of like my life stopped at like the moment that your life blew up, which is interesting, fair because I was like here the podcast for all that stuff.
Oh yeah, yeah, I just have to know I've changed too.
And oh.
But I'm leaving my baby behind a dumpster and coming back to the way I was I Casey Anthony.
Whatever happened back.
Then, it's gone all that hubbuh and it's settled back down and I'm back doing.
What I used to do. But uh, yeah, it's that's interesting.
Our lives kind of mine got kind of crazy, and so did yours. I mean, yours has changed so much. Let's just start with headlights. What's the biggest Let's I always ask this of new moms, and I think I don't think it's like a good interesting question. Not patting myself on the back, like everyone should really ask this, but like, what's the thing that you did not anticipate the biggest surprise of, Like people didn't prepare you for.
Oh, I guess, like I didn't know how many diapers we'd go through, especially in the beginning.
And I didn't know how much babies need to.
Eat, especially if you're nursing them.
There's something called me cluster eating.
Oh god, I've only heard the word cluster when it comes to headaches that make you want to kill yourself, you know, oh yeah, cluster cluster, like, oh yeah, all things that tend to avoid. Yeah.
So cluster feeding is basically if you're nursing, which is breastfeeding, it's like you're feeding the baby on demand, so there's no schedule or anything like that. She just will want to eat and like infant, you know, because she just starts crying. Yeah, So basically when a baby starts crying because she's tired or what if she's crying because she's like something like a zipper on her Onesie is poking her.
Back, like how do you know You're just like shoving her tit in her face and she's like, no, I'm just tired, mom.
So basically she would brood.
Brooding is when like they turned to the side and open their mouth like they're looking for the nipple. She would have little yeah exactly, okay, I much fists like she's about to box. Those are two signs. And then if she's really agitated crying, it'll be one of three things. She's hungry, she needs a diaper change, or she's got a burp or fart.
Okay, and I didn't canceled her favorite show or discontinued her favorite deodorant or protein.
But another big surprise is I didn't know that baby's farts are like as loud as adult farts.
Wow, oh, who makes sense because babies are so loud anyway, Like I have said this before, but the reason babies are like so loud and they don't like you hear babies sometimes and you're like, man, that baby's gonna be horse the rest of its life because of how it's screaming. Like,
babies are relaxed. Babies aren't tense and like nervous about stuff, so they're so when they they vibrate like a boombox, like they're a little you ever see, Like I have like a little Bow's micro boombox, and it's so small, but it produces so much sound like thet the little boomboxes, because they're relaxed and they're vibrating so much that they they don't need to.
Do the same things that we need to do to produce this crazy sound.
But I was thinking, I was thinking about what you said, because you talked about this previously from your voice. Lesson is that babies like naturally know how to use their diaphragm to be loud.
And she she does.
You know. I remember when we went to see Taylor Swift and I was like talking about how you can't see any strain on her throat, yes, like like in her neck, I mean, like no veins popping out or anything like that.
When she sings loud.
Toby is the same wow, belch out, just like Taylor Swift can.
So it's a lot of more feeding than you anticipated. It's just non stop I'm guessing, yeah, But it also comes.
Right.
And so in the beginning, like the babies are not as efficient eaters, So I could be feeding her for like an hour and.
She's just like kind of not It's like she's sucking.
On a broken straw. Like she's just not getting right, getting a little bit out of time.
Think nothing more annoying than that. By the way, that's way more annoying than it should be. When her straw has like a little bit of a dent in it, it's like it makes it completely useless, and it's and it's frustrating because it happens so often when you when you hit the straw to get the paper out, it will break it'll.
Snap it and then you got a fucking weak straw.
It sucks and you get a lot of air, so you get so so.
The baby's feeding more, But is it like is it non stop?
Though?
Like? Is it so? Like? Uh, Like I'm watching my parents' dogs this weekend and it's non stop, Like any chance I have to ever relax, I have to go take them for a walk because there's three and at least one has to pee at some point, and it's just like you just have to you maybe have two hours where you can like kind of do what you want, But then they're just looking at you all the time, like, what are you gonna do with us?
We're so bored.
It's like it's just I hate being on call constantly and feeling guilty constantly. Do you ever get to set her down and just relax?
Well, yesterday when you were talking about having to scratch Marion, I was like, oh, okay, Nikki is feeling the like like a motherhood thing.
It felt a little bit like nursing in the middle of the night, like I can't sleep. I'm so jealous of my boyfriend who's just conked out not having to do anything right now about this itchy butt. Yeah, and I'm the only one that can offer a solution for this dog.
Yeah, but it does come with a lot of cuddles and love and oxytocin overload, which I could not be more grateful for.
But do you have a oh yeah, I'm kind of jealous of that thought.
But that's that means that there's if you get too much, then there's a don't you develop a addiction? Not an addiction, but like the other thing where it's like you need more to get high.
What's it called? Oh, like my baseline has moved.
Tolerance?
Yeah, your tolerance, thank you, You're tolerance goes does That's what my first question to you offline was was like I know that like whenever we see babies, and like you first set your baby, you're.
Just like, oh my god, she's the cutest, like I do, her hands, her fingers, her fingernails, her like every part of her little lips and her eyes, like every part of them is precious.
After a while, do you just go like, Okay, it's just a baby, Like does that stop being as profound and resonant? Not? No, I mean it may be eventually, because I don't see moms walking around going like, oh, you're so like they're they're just kind of like blankly staring at the sidewalk as they push the store. So it must go with do you know what I mean, like maybe fawning over your baby constantly and the mom's just kind of.
Like, uh huh, yeah you should, like she's kind.
Of over it.
I don't want to compare babies to dogs, like you can't clips out about, but I every time I look at Jack, I feel the same reaction, which is that same type of fuzzy feeling.
Okay, well, I guess I'm relating this to my own dog, who I'm like obsessed with and I want to bite her paws and I want to eat her face, and I'm like, I love her so much. But there are a lot of times where I realize I am taking her for granted, and I'm just like, oh, she's not as She's just a dog right now, Like she's jumping up and me like and I'm like looking at something on my phone and I'm just like, oh, man, I would have been like I would be melting.
Right now if I just met you, but you're just a dog right now.
So I do find that it has I need to be away a little bit to feel that again.
I can't.
It would just be impossible to fawn constantly when you're with your baby twenty two and a half hours a day.
I'm guessing what I've seen people do it?
Yeah, there looks fit pretty.
The truth is there are times that I'm just like, Okay, will you please sleep for more than a half hour because you can't. I can't get anything done in a half hour. And then there's so many things I've started and then just left unfinished because I just sleeping.
Is she just could she just is she either crying or sleeping? Or is there like a car so she'd just like be staring.
Yeah, she's just staring. She wants to be held or she wants to be held. So she wants to be held.
So I've had to turn my foot into a hand basically because I have to hold her in one hand and I only have the other hand free.
So I was thinking that you were holding her with your foot. When you said that, I was like, how does that work? But okay, is yeah, there's constantly you got to be like rocking and stuff, and always you just just likes to.
Be held up.
She she loves so the right now, right now, she Avi is wearing her Okay, I got a book back in like as not book, yeah, as an accessory. So basically infants, newborns, they just crave going back into the womb. So she just wants to be held close to me. She's using her us like like old factory senses and stuff. She's she's using her nose a lot. When she was born, they put her on my stomach and she like wiggled her way up to my nipple.
Isn't that crazy's instinct?
Yeah?
And how is she like? Is are their personality traits emerging? Yeah, she's like a little silly.
She likes to She she always smiles first thing in the morning, which is so cute.
And that's the best part of your day is waking up in the morning and seeing her smiling when you open the door. Haven't you just seen her an hour before because she woke up to feed her? Is there ever really morning as a mom?
Okay, So I will say something that's pretty controversial, which I've told you on girls Chat. We do a controversial thing. We co sleep. So I don't really like when I feed her at night. It's not really that inconvenient for me, to be honest.
She eats, and because she's coastleeping means she's in the bed with you guys. Yeah, she's she's sleeping with us.
And that's controversial because they're worried you're gonna all over on her.
Yeah, which I mean, I mean to each his own. Sure, yeah, and I'm sure it does happen.
But you but I think on girls chet you were like, and usually has to do with someone who's drunk or on drugs or extremely overweight. Which no shade about any of those things. If you do, if you are those are do those no?
I mean, if you're drunk and you want to kill your baby, that's totally fine.
Yeah, I don't think you want. No, they don't want to. I am okay, I'm serious. I don't have shade for addicts. I feel like they don't choose that.
Like people sleep with their dogs, right.
My dog is uh is always in your bed. My dog is always in my bed. He's eight pounds. I mean, I when when my dog is watched by someone else, I say, don't let him sleep in your bed because I have more scared of that. Yeah, but I trust myself not to do it for some reason.
Interesting, Yeah, I I yeah. I sleep with her in the bed and there are times where I get in bed I'm like, oh, that would have just squished her head if that would have been her head.
Like and now I'm learning. I'm learning.
Man, I've had some close calls, like we she's really good off lea. She just sticks by my feet generally. But there's just no more of that. I'm not pushing. I'm not because I went to the garage the other day and my car is parked in a different place. So usually when I'm going to the garage, like I walk out this one side and I got a new space because I have an electric car now.
But yeah, yeah, cool, yeah, you have the handicapped spot for electric vehicles, right, yeah.
Yeah, but it's it's not ideal.
It's and the.
Plug at my place is like the shittiest charger ever. It's like your friend's charger that's all for the phone charger that's all frayed and you're like wrap it around your hand to make it work, like you know, like it's it's it charges like two percent every God, it's bad. It's bad.
The infrastructure is already decaying.
They gave me a good spot at first, and then they were like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Something happened in our system that you can't have that spot anymore. And I go, well, I'm I'm not in town to move my car for another two weeks, and they go, okay, just move on when you get back. And I go, well, who is that understanding that's gonna let my car sit there for two weeks that you can't just give me that spot. And by the way, who the fuck is getting that spot instead of me? I've think at this
building for four fucking years. I don't know anyone who's been in this building for four years. I'm not going like I am the I pay more than anyone guaranteed I've been here longer. Who has more seniority than me to get that spot?
I don't understand. Chris and I are very upset about it.
So they gave me this like janky spot that has like a leak, so to get in my even in my car, I have to step in a puddle, and so my cars are already destroyed in the box, are just like a mess.
It's just a approach the subject to them at all yeah.
And they go, we'll get back to you. Well, we'll look in our.
System, and it's been five days and there's no getting back to me. And usually you're right on it. But I'm just like, what's going on here? So what does this have to do with the dog? So I was walking out to go to my new space and she's so cute. And it was early in the morning, too, which I don't usually I'm not in the garage this early in the morning, and I don't realize how fucking
busy it is. Like there's everyone's leaving because everyone has a normal fucking job, and it was like eight thirty, and she was just there's this thing where if people, if people are like people freak out when she's off leash, even though when I'm in like safe areas off leash, people go like, she's off leash. She's walking over by that tree and I'm like, just stay and then they start chasing her and then she runs from them, and I'm I'm just like, I know my dog, if you
just act chill, she won't fucking run. Just like, don't mind what I'm doing with my dog, don't chase her, don't freak out like don't put your shit on me. Just because your dog would run into the street doesn't mean mine would. So thank god I get out. She walks out and I see I hear this car coming way too fast, and I see her right on the edge of like where she would be in the way of a car.
And I had a decision to.
Make of like do I go like come here, like, don't go further into the road, or do I just let the car go pas because if I spook her, she might just dart right, But if I just act like nothing's happening, she'll stay. And I just decided in that moment to act like nothing's happening. And I saw my life flash before my eyes, and also her life in the car.
If she would have darted, would be dead.
And I just wrote to Chris and I said, we are never ever walking into the garage without her on a leash or holding her ever again. I just learned the biggest lesson and it won't happen. And I'm I literally almost lost her. She almost just died. And I'm so grateful that I have that lesson. But did it scare me so much? Yes? And I guess my point is is that you just have to. I just like am trying to learn lessons and collect the that stuff
instead of just being like that was lucky. Now I'm like, okay, well now you can't ever do that again. And thank God, God or whoever just gave you that.
And there was a lesson punishment.
Yeah.
Yeah, if you were to lose her in the parking lot, you wouldn't have a name to put on her headstone.
Oh god, that reminds me of this thing on Reddit I saw that was so sad that said, oh my god, I almost put it on the girl's chat, but I just little baby baby dead babies aren't, like really, what's the vibe in there? So it was a headstone of a little girl that like died back in the eighteen hundreds, and it said unwanted baby girl. Oh, and I researched it more to be like what the fuck is this? So it was a really popular name back then? Wow, yeah it.
Was.
It was like, uh, I'm trying to think of it was like Emma is now, but no, so she unwanted baby girl.
They I looked into it.
This girl was a product of rape or incest and she her mom, like her mom had her and then abandoned her because she didn't want her because she was raped. And so it was a little girl had this baby, and so she got rid of her. And so the town to shame the daughter, or to shame the mother of the baby, and to uh make women feel bad about abandoning their kids, made a decision as a town to make this headstone say unwanted baby girl, so that this person was shamed.
And it's just so said.
So the baby is dead. It didn't just make a faux headstone to share.
It was real.
But they made the baby die. They killed the baby after.
It was born. I don't know. I really don't know the details of it, but I just know that the townspeople can It was men who conspired to shame women about abandoning your child, even though that baby was unwanted to begin with for a good reason because it was a product of rape.
And a very man who probably caused this baby's respond.
Yeah, he was probably the probably in the mob. Yeah exactly. It's things were really cool back then.
I loved it. It was a great time.
I can't wait to get back to that.
It's I mean, yeah, a good musket clusters and Muskets.
It was worth it for the Muskets.
Yeah, so I learned that lesson.
But yeah, I often and I've gotten into bed and I like, now i'm because of the other night I kind of plopped in a way that was like, okay, that could have injured something, And so I learned that lessons.
Now I gingerly get back into bed.
Did you ever watch The Sopranos.
I didn't because I'm scared of violence, but I can pretty much get any reference you give me from it.
So the guy there's one of the characters from The Sopranos who I forgot his name, but at one point he's doing drugs and then he plops down in the couch and he sits on his dog and kills it. Oh yeah, it's one of the I remember. I don't remember a lot of specific scenes from The Sopranos because I watched it when I was like, I don't know how old I was, it was like twenty five years ago, and that one scene just stuck out in my head because I always clock when a dog gets killed in
the show's and it was horrible. And it wasn't even his dog, it was his girlfriend's dog. Oh, God, they broke up because of it, obviously.
And then did she get murdered at some point?
I don't remember. That's all I remember, is that dog seeing By.
The way, is it Sopranos or Sopranos?
Because someone was saying Sopranos the other day and I was just like, I think it's Sopranos and they were like, have you seen Sopranos? And I was like, no, but I think it's Sopranos. I've heard people talk about it and not thinking of the singer.
Yes, I cannot imagine a single person from New Jersey saying Sopranos, okay, and that's where the show takes place.
Thank you.
Yeah, forget who this was, but it was someone who really seemed so they were so sure of it, and they seemed to be so offended by me thinking with Sopranos that I acquiesced, and I never do when I know I'm right, And I knew I was right. I've lived in a world where the Sopranos has existed for over crano years now, right, like it's been twenty five thirty years. It's Sopranos.
Just think about a New York accent, you know, it's like they're not They're gonna say, Hey, I was walking down the street and I got a piece of pizza and then I watched the Sopranos. It doesn't even make sense. Sopranos doesn't make sense.
And I'm not.
I am one to correct people quite often when I think they're saying something in a weird way, because I kind of wanted to educate myself. I kind of remember who that person was, because really, I think I can just because of the way I acquiesced so quick. I know that I have some kind of fear of this person. So if you're listening, will you remember? Will you tell
me who you were? Because I definitely fear you because I knew you were wrong and I just gave in, and or I want something from you, or you hold some sort of power over me, because there's no way I would let you get away with that otherwise. And I don't know why I did that day, but well we probably won't figure it out, but we'll be right back after this with more with Noah and Brian. Noah's back.
Everyone, Noah's back, and We're back.
Is is motherhood all that you wanted it to be?
All that you expected it to be.
Do you feel like a different person than you were before, Like, are you profoundly changed forever?
Well, I guess I'm profoundly changed in the way that I've lost my short term memory. It feels like, really, oh wow, I have a hard time remembering stuff, and it's it's pretty common.
It's like the mommy fog. What is what do they attribute that to? All the oxytocin?
Just really the oxytocin makes you lose your short term memory.
The bonding chemicals, the yeah, like all the bonding stuff.
Wow.
Oh, so I wonder what the purpose of that would be, so that you.
Just don't remember anything that's good because you don't remember what your life was like before, you don't have anything over Yeah, no, no, it seems to be there would be a reason for that.
I think it's just so that you channel all your energy into focusing on the baby. That makes sense. That makes sense, And when's it's supposed to come back. I guess when the baby gets more independent.
Yeah, I think also probably just as I start like venturing out into the world, like coming back to work, which feels like the first day of school. It's like, I know, seeing everyone and you know you have.
A new binder.
Yeah, I'm a trapper Keeper, five star binder that's everywhere edge.
Oh my god. I would always get a new binder and like new tabs for each subject, and there were seven fresh tabs, and I would put right in the subject and I would slide it into that little colored tab and I would be so organized, and I would have like my pencil case that fit into the three.
Ring binder as well. It would be all ship.
By the end of the week, I would be writing everything in the first section. I will have lost all of the pens, all of the pencils. Everything would look dirty. The edges of the binder would start to peel away. I just couldn't keep it nice. It would become what my car has become in just two weeks. It's it's It would be man that every year there was this delusion that I would keep it fresh and that it would be some kind of different person than I've ever been.
How do we recapture that feeling, I mean, aside from having a kid and then re literally reliving it, but that feeling of going to go to school next week and you get all your stuff together and you're excited like, how do you recapture that? Do you remember that feeling when you're like, Oh, I have all my stuff that I'm gonna put in my backpack and I'm going to take it. It's exciting.
I think starting new jobs.
It's all. It's all new jobs.
I think that. But no one's excited to start a new job. I mean, I guess some people are.
My wife has a new job. Oh really, she just got a new job today.
I didn't know that.
Oh my god, day she got the job.
She signed, got the job, she's starting the job.
She signed the paperwork today.
Is she already gone from her other job?
No? No, she's still there. She's gonna quit today.
Oh god, that's so exciting. She's so happy. Hopefully no one listens to the pod from her old job, right.
Well, she really appreciates her old job. There's a lot of coworkers. She loved there. However, she's excited to go and it's time. She's going to work for our Lord, our Lords and saviors, Amazon, the Mono, the Monocorp, the AP.
What's she going to be doing for them?
She's the same thing at sales. She's executive senior account executive. Wow, she makes bank. Without her, I would not be able to uh follow my dreams.
Yeah that's great, I think, Yeah, that's awesome. That's that's that's been the conversation with Chris and I for a bit. Now is that same thing of like, how how do
we work this? Like it's just it makes so much sense when the man makes the money and the woman just stays at home and like keeps the house and takes care of the kids, and like there's no question of like the woman spends the guy's money and no one like worries about it, and there's no like there's no big comp I mean, there should be big conversations
about it. But it doesn't seem to be this thing that I've like had to talk to my friends about when they're going through it just like happens that you just share the wealth. But it starts to make sense whipside. Oh yeah, it's a conversation. What's the foint is the woman when earning all the money and the man might be the one that just like is uh supporting her? Because it's interesting because I just want, Chris, I want everyone in my life to just be happy and not
feel like so like lose sleep. Because they are worried about their money, like the people in my close family and friends, and so I will gladly give them money to make them feel that way.
If they're like, you know, they're looking for a job or whatever.
It is like, I'm happy to help and I don't expect to be paid back. And it's like, because that's what my job affords me. Is that luxury of doing that, but they don't want to ever. I also don't want them to feel like they work for me and that they like have to like it's it's this weird thing of like Chris is like, well, what if I want to buy a really nice car, like a car, a dream car that I don't really need but I just want. And I'm like, oh, that's.
Tough because I don't really want to buy that for like I get and then I go, oh, i'd get it for you as a gift that would be interesting to me, but you just like using my money to go buy it and it not being like a thing that you thank me for is not interesting to me.
But then why do I need to thank you?
Right?
If you're sharing money sharing?
So I have to look inside myself and go what is there some kind of power I wield in this and like, do I enjoy that power? And it's so I was like, maybe I just give you a certain like a salary a year so because I don't want you to have to take a bunch of jobs that you don't want so that you can afford a lifestyle that is that keeps up with mine, because then you're not around to like help me process stuff because I require a lot of like I like having a partner
and the stuff that I do. And he's obviously a TV producer and is very well versed in comedy and so he helps me so much.
Damage for you. Huh, that's an advantage for you to have. It's someone you know who you love working with you. But it definitely will create an interesting dynamic. If he doesn't have anything of his own, I think yeah.
But I also think that he he I don't think that's true for him though, Like he doesn't have an ego about.
Like I need to earn money. He really doesn't.
He just feels bad taking mine, like he doesn't care. That's that's his thing. He's not like he doesn't need to. It's it's it's interesting. But that that was a good question that he asked because I was just like, I'll just give you this much money a year on site allowance, Like I'll just give you that money and that that means that you can do whatever you want with You can buy that car with.
It, and you can like you can have and you can buy a car.
Yeah, every week you take the trash out and do your chores and rub my feet, you can get the kind of like plamony. Yeah. And then he was like, well what if I it's just it's just very it's very complicated, but it doesn't have to be because but then he was like, but what if I want to go on a trip and you like want me for some like thing that you're doing. And I'm like, well, I think you don't want you want to be there
for my big things. There's never been one time in our relationship where he's been like, but I got this concert I want to go to. I can't go to the show. That means a lot that you have me there and I am not someone who needs Hi met everything. Like when I need him, it's because it actually is important. It's going to add to it. And no one likes being needed more than Chris conby, so he's he enjoys doing that, so and I want him to be able
to go on trips. And and I do have this thing of when it is when it is when I've given someone money, it's no longer my money, and I don't care what you do with it, and I am not I don't like even taxes. I'm just like, it's never my it was never my money.
It always has to go.
I just look at money as it's when I see a check, I just always take thirty percent and I go, that's what mine is of that after I pay on everyone, That's that's what I get.
I don't look at the first number.
I just take the decimal over and then I times it by three, and that's what I get of that.
So most like, No, it's with Chris helping you so much. I mean you, you.
And Chris have known each other for over a decade. Nobody knows you better than Chris. And I think having him kind of like be sort of like a manager of your life is gonna be so relieving for you. Yes, and you're actually paying him a salary because he's going to do a great job.
So his point is I would do this if I, like, I love you, I would do this if you for nothing, because that's what a partner does.
And that's where it gets triggy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But also he wants that car.
Yeah, he wants that car that F one race.
I also would love to buy him a crazy gift like that. That would be fun. So it's and now we're looking at houses, and it's just it's just, uh, that's an interesting thing too, because he's like, I would never be looking at houses that cost us much if it weren't for you, And is this okay? And I'm like, I think so. And I also know that he would never want me to spend money I didn't have, and he's smart about money, so I kind of trust him. But looking at houses, can I just say, boo you?
I love my realtor more than anything. Her name is Lauren Risley and she is was the host of a show called It's All Like on HGTV. I think it was called like it has a sassy name. It's like, if you want it, you can get it. It's like, don't rehab or re rethink.
Oh, call the closer, Yeah, call the cloth closer. So she knows how to like rehab houses.
She knows, she knows, she's amazing, and she's so funny, Like she makes me laugh so hard we're at these showings. But here's my thing about going to I actually really enjoy the process of working with her and going to houses. When when we when me, Lauren and Chris and and maybe Chris's mom or my mom get to go into a house and we just get to open it ourselves and walk around in this empty house that maybe has
cameras running. But I don't really give a shit if people like hear what I have to say about their house later on. It's just like when there's someone there, it's very annoying. Yeah, when there's a realer there, or god forbid, the owner of the house.
I don't want to I'm not pretending to like a house. I don't like.
This is a three million dollar house. I don't have to act like I like it. This is I can walk into the foy yeer, oh yay, and go boy, may I don't like this place and I can turn on a dime and not feel bad at all.
That should be able.
I cannot believe that some people, not I and not and not even Chris. I mean Chris is pretty good about it too, But like, I think there is this air of like, at least pretend that you might like it, yeah, or just be complimentary or go like, you know, it was great, but like I just think that the bathroom isn't big enough and we really wanted a tub, and there's no place for the sauna in the yard.
Just is like, I don't want to have to tell these people why I.
Don't like it. I can just say I don't like it and lee like, this isn't a meal that was cooked for me for free, and I just I can't stomach it, and so I have to make up some fake excuse about allergies or I ate before. And so I'm like, I don't have to like placate your feelings. Your real estate agent who's just showing this house. You are acting like you like it, by the way, you don't even like this place, you have to act like you like it. It's when you're dealing with something that
is this expensive. I don't want to have to be nice and that will be nice. I'm a nice person. I don't want to have to be fake and act like, oh, it would be nice, you know what I do.
Like this room. What are we doing?
I don't like it.
I want to I don't like the neighborhood. I don't like the driveway. I knew as soon as I saw it I didn't want it. I don't want to have to do this dance. I'm the one paying out the ass for this. I don't want to have to be fake. Yeah, and maybe that's me feel like.
A date or huh, maybe it's kind of like a date.
She's getting to know your like your preferences by forcing you to walk through thirty thousand square feet of home.
Yeah, that's true. That's what Chris point is like, let's see the who place because we might get ideas of what we do like. And so that is why I do look through the whole place. But I don't want to have a conversation with the realtor, not my realtor, I guess her realtor, the realtor of the house that is we're being showed. I don't want to have to tell that person what I do like about It would be great if it just had this. I don't want to have to do that. Bye. I don't want to.
Take the door for a negotiation too. If you go well, if it just had this then, because.
Then they go, well, I will say that as the it looks like there's not a lot of space in the basement for a workout room, but it's a lot bigger than you think, Like they shirt, I just think it's like a big purchase item. There's no you don't have. You have the luxury at that point because you're about to spend so much fucking money that you have the luxury of not having to be fake pleasant. And by the way, I am a pleasant person. I'm a very nice person. I always want people to feel okay and good.
It's not like I'm like, this place is ugly. Bye, I just don't. I just want to go. This is what I want to say. I want to walk in and go, oh, you know what this isn't I just know it's not it. I'm sorry, but thank you so much. I'm sorry that you had to take time every day. I just I don't want to waste your time. I just know it's not it, you know, And but uh, and why isn't it it? Okay? It's ugly and there's pictures of Jesus in every room, and it's giving me a weird vibe.
Well, we can take those out.
There are It's just feels like he's meant to be here, and I know that he won't come with the place. But there's Jesus in literally every room, and I'm haunted by it, and I don't like it, and I don't and and so I just want to be able to And I guess some realtors would say to me, well, Nikki, you should tell them what you don't like about the place and what you do like, because then that person might have other listenings that they should could show you.
Guess what, bitch, I'm on zillow. I know what's out well. The realtors have an inside track on things. Okay, okay, fair enough, fair enough, I'll leave the inside track thing. But we're all looking at the same sites.
We know what's out there.
Okay, but do you feel like you and Chris are closer to it or are you still having like kind of apprehension about by.
No, we definitely want to be in a house, and the only reason is because we're running out of space and apartment and because our garage destroyed my car, and because there's a puddle life to step over to and I'm not getting the premo spot, and because there are a lot more homeless people around this area that seem to be like they might have a knife on them
and they might be thinking about stabbing me. Like do you ever walk by a homeless person and who's having some psychiatric break and they're doing weird stretches, they have one shoe on, and you go, it would take just a breeze of wind to make them get out their knife and stab me to death. Like it would just just anything could happen. I could move in a way that reminds them of an X that hurt them, and then they get they get yeah, and we.
Just have to like walk by and like pretend that that's fine. This guy, like I thought, like I literally had a knife and he was stabbing a telephone pole, just stabbing the telephone pole, and we'd be like, well, you know, he's doing his thing.
You know.
It's like, I'm so sorry for what they're going through, but I just can't. I'm feeling a little bit scared in my area lately. It's just it's just you.
Don't have the infrastructure to support these people, you know what the the house and it's kind of funny to talk about. I'm trying to buy a house to get away from homeless people. But you know, it's it's interesting.
You're so right.
The irony, the irony, the doing performing for the realtor. It kind of reminds me of when you walk into a store that's owned, like a mom and pop store. Oh god, and the person's behind the counter and like you walk in, you're immediate like, oh no, I don't want any of this shit this place. You still have to be like the music that's place playing.
I hate the smell.
I hate the cat that's like meowing and I don't know where it is, but it's gonna come out. I'm going to have to act like I like it, and I'm gonna have to like pet it or ask its name just to be pleasant.
I will not walk in.
Empty store just for this because I don't want to have to deal with this, and.
I'll have to buy a card, at least some kind of postcard or like a some just some a bookmark, just to give them something to do.
It's yeah, it's just I feel that same way.
I guess I'm just not into and what a privileged thing to be able to say I'm not into small talk and I don't really have any tolerance for it anymore. And is that is that our world becoming like a shitty place? Am I a product of us all disappearing into our phones and not having any kind of there's just no social interactions.
That's what's happening. I mean, there's partially like you're just like getting older and figuring out like what you really want to spend your time doing. But when it comes to just like having a conversation I had. I had a conversation with an Uber driver this past weekend that was like it reminded me of why having little small talk conversations can be rewarding. Yeah, okay, and generally I don't have them because of purely I don't feel good.
But if I felt good all the time, I probably would have way more small talk conversation to point, Okay, I definitely think since COVID people have been shutting down that scientifically people are talking about how since COVID people are not going out socially as much anymore, they're not spending time with friends and family, They're not experiencing interactions, which I think is so important. We cannot let society descend into a world of isolation, which is where it's going.
I just i'm if I don't want to make friends and I don't have anything helpful to share that is
going to change that person's day or life. I'm very pleasant to the people in my elevator when they talk to me, and like I'm grateful to the people cleaning up around the apartment building, and I'm always gracious to the maintenance men and the janitors and whatever, and love small talk with them because I want them to feel appreciated and and I want to be a familiar face for them so that they feel like, oh this is I'm yeah. But I don't. I just don't want to
be nice just to I don't want to. I don't want to be nice, so I'm just like making I don't. I'm not responsible for how people feel, and I don't. I don't want to be responsible for making someone feel good all the time. I like giving that little gift when it's there to give. Like today, my friend Mike Kaplan m YQ. He changed anything in college, so funny,
so smart. He is one of the He probably texts me twenty times a year just to be like, hey, Nikki, I love you, and I'm just writing my friends to tell them I love them, and you're just one of them. And I love you because of this and this and this, and he's specific and it's like so meaningful, and I can ignore it probably forty percent of the time, and he doesn't mind like I can. I'll get a big thing of text and then I forget to write back because I just I want to give way. He just
gave and I don't. And then but he never makes me feel bad about it. He's just shooting it out there.
He's so nice.
But he heard me on Fresh Air on NPR, Terry Gross interviewed me, and he wrote me this message being like you were. He gave me like a detailed, you know, synopsis of his thoughts on it, and I was like, man, thank you so much. That is that is so nice. This literally made my week. And he said to me, he said to me, NICKI, the first I go, oh my god, this made my week. And that's no exaggeration. I had a hangover after that interview and felt kind
of bad about myself. Thanks for saying these nice things, he said, NICKI. The first time Judy Gold saw me do stand up, she said, I was funny, and I said, thank you, that's nice of you to say, and she said, what's nice, it's true and he goes and that has become an anthem in our household for fun. So I say to you, what's nice, it's true? And I said it can be both. I said, I think a lot of I think a lot of true things that I
don't say because I'm not feeling nice or generous. So it is nice to go the extra mile and go, okay, I do like that girl's jacket. I'm just not gonna think, oh, that's really cute jacket. I'm gonna say it, and then that's the nice part. And sometimes, like you said, Brian, I'm not in a good mood and I just don't feel like yeah, spread and joy.
Yeah. I mean sometimes I see someone's jacket and I think it looks like shit, and I go, nice jacket. Yeah.
Well, that's the other thing you can do. That's the mean girl's thing.
That was such a great part of Mean Girls, where she was like, oh my god, I love your bracelet. Where did you get it? And the girl's like, oh my god, it was my mom's and she's like, oh my god, it's so cute, and then the popular girl like kind of christened this, you know, not popular girl because she liked her thing, and that happened to me so many times in high school. And then that girl, Katie,
becomes friends with the popular girl. And then the popular girl does the same thing to an ug girl that has like an ugly backpack, and she's like, oh my god, I love your bag. It's so cute.
Where did you get it? And she was like, oh my god, it was my mom's whatever.
And then the girl walks away like feeling so good about herself, and then she turns to Katy and goes, that's the ugliest fucking bag I've ever seen in my life.
Wow.
And Katie's suddenly has this flashback of when she said it to her, and she was like, oh my god. This bitch just says she likes things when she actually hates them.
And that is something.
I think I used to do because I was trying to fight what I actually felt. I wouldn't do it to be a bitch. I feel so bad that I hated this girl's shirt, and I would think that she could maybe sense I hated it, so I would do the opposite.
Right, So is that bad though. I mean, I know that's in mean girls, but.
It's a lie.
But if the person walks away from the interaction being feeling good about themselves and they never find out that you actually hated the bag and were making fun of them, ultimately, isn't that a net gain for the world.
Oh, that's a good point, I think.
No.
I think it's always best to be sincere, because then that that girl.
I don't know, I don't know, that's hard.
What if she was honest and just said, hey, by the way, I hate your backpack. Oh it is your mother's.
Well she's well, that's unnecessary.
You don't need to say mean things so dumb, that's that's mean. Yeah, but I don't That is a good question though. If something is not true and you're just saying it to be nice, is it and the girl never finds out that you were lying, is it harmful? I do I don't know, But I don't like to do that because I think that I'm usually overcompensating for feeling guilty that I don't like something, which is my parrogative.
We'll be right back after this. So what are your evenings like?
Noah, Like, what do you do like, what have you been doing for fun now that you are a mother of an infant and all infants?
Also additional question of that, what time is your time off if there is.
Any Yeah, good question.
Okay, So we have we actually started going out with her maybe.
At like week number four or five or or six. And it takes a long time to like take her to a restaurant and stuff like that. It's it's hard, but we're doing it so that we can go out with her and she like is able to sit in her stroller or we just know how to manage it. Yeah, So that's that's what we've been doing. I'm trying to think of, like.
You am I doing it for fun? What do you mean if I'm if I'm bored?
Are no? Are you bored?
I do get bored during the day.
Like okay, so the days all have kind of blended into one, and I think that's the boredom where every day kind of looks the same. I like COVID, yeah a little bit, because I'm pretty much in the house. Have you know, going anywhere with her is just like you know, we it just takes a lot because we have to take the bag and then when so basically infant is up to three months, So now she's a baby because she's three months, got it. So when she was an infant, she would want to eat all the time,
so we'd have to go. I'd have to be in the car feeding her. Then we have like maybe thirty minutes.
You whipped your tit out in public? Yet, yes, a lot like does your nipple show to the outside world or are you doing it under a blanket?
So actually, Instagram targeted ads gave me a good one.
I got this shawl. It's from We.
Are Amma A m m A and it's a it's really good because it's I don't get too hot in it, and Toby can kind of like see through it and it covers me perfectly, and I just kind of put her in there underneath, and it's very discreet and people can't really tell what we're doing. Okay, it just looks like a sleeping baby, So.
You're you're not whipping the whole tit out, but you probably would. Well. Uh, it got to a point where I was just like I don't give a fuck.
Like, like, does like do you care if like Abvi's dad sees your nipple? Like, does it get to that point because I've seen like my sister's taking her nipple out around my dad, and I'm like, I don't think I would ever do that.
I really don't think I would. I don't. I didn't think I would either.
But you just kind of are like, you know what, what's what's it worth to you? You know, like are you going to get up and go somewhere else or do you just want to sit here? And most likely you'll just want to sit I would just.
Say, dad, look that way. Yeah.
I mean my dad is hard of hearing. So if I'm just like, could you could you please go away? Like, don't look at me. He doesn't hear it. He just kind of comes in closer.
What did you say? Okay? But I just I just stopped caring about it.
It did.
It was a little bit uncomfortable at first, or I thought I would have a hard time with taking my tits out, but I've just gone to a point where I don't care. I think a lot of women like that just there's a point where they're just kind of like I don't care.
And speaking of boobs, like how's been the body recovery?
Like how's been? Like how's been. I don't know what I'm I have mom brain.
How my biggest fear in getting pregnant is that my stomach will get stretched out and it won't go back to the way it is and I'll have to get some kind of surgery and I just can't.
I just like am freaked out about that.
Even when I eat too much, I feel like my stomach, Like when I do like a joke picture I send the girls shot where I'm like, I'm five months pregnant. Like sometimes even that I'm like, oh no, I've like done some irreversible damage. It did it go back way more than you thought it would? Uh?
Yeah, I mean, I guess the whole of physiological part of pregnancy and birth was very surprising to me. I didn't I didn't realize things like that either. But it took my stomach about five weeks to kind of go back and because basically what's happening is like all your organs are starting to shrink and it's not what it was before pregnancy. I still have to do some exercise and stuff, which I'll get to, but it didn't like
destroy my body like I thought it would. And a lot of that I think had to do with the fact that I was working out, you know, before I got pregnant, and then during pregnancy, just keeping it up until like, like, what.
Kind of workouts were you doing?
Well, I was doing jiu jitsu and I was weightlifting, and then I continue doing that into pregnancy.
Yeah, and I start your stomach or something.
There's no punching in jiu jitsu, though, so why would I be afraid or accidentally when they're like wrestling you to the ground.
Once I started showing, everyone was very very aware that I was pregnant and didn't want to do any of that, So we just worked very gently and yeah, so I just kind of did drills more than the actual rolling as they say.
Okay, all right, any so what's the biggest surprise though, besides just that she eats all like that? It is the love you feel more than the love you thought you would feel.
Is that kind of the thing?
Perception of the world changed.
Yeah, you know what I would say.
Yes, personally, I had a really and I'm still having a very positive experience with it. I had I was very very worried that I'd have bad postpartum and that I would like bese like turn into my mother, who I do not have a good relationship with, but that didn't happen, and I'm not even like fighting urges to do things that you know that she's done.
So that's been.
I guess that's been like a big surprise, like, Wow, I can have my own identity as a mother and I don't have to continue like the negative aspect of it. Yeah, exactly, So that feels really good and yeah, I don't know, I just really like it. I think everything is kind of a big surprise because I didn't really know much about it. I don't know anything about parenting or motherhood, but there are instincts that kick in and it's really cool.
I love that.
How does it different than how does it differ from having a dog? Because I know you loved your dog like the way that the most that people could ever love dogs.
Oh my gosh, you're right, you know what I do. I think having a dog and taking care of Bruno as my own dog really showed me that I can nurture another being. And now I'm kind of being able to have patience and I'm translating that into like my parenting style. So I guess having a dog really did prepare me for parenthood, even though it's a little bit different.
Like you can leave a dog at home, you can leave the dog in the crate and create its little like comfort zone, but you can't do that with a baby. So if you want to leave the house, you have to take the baby with you.
I'm sure there's some people that do leave the baby.
Like final thought, I remember when you were like sleep training or something, and there was like a whole theory of people that say that just let the baby cry, and You're like I can't, Like what, Yeah, can you just let them cry? Like I don't know if i'd be able to do that either, but I think I would probably do it, Like eventually I would just give up because I just know my threshold for things. Oh, when I'm tired, I would just like do what I wouldn't think I would do.
So yes, there I did have a moment. And again, like postpartum uh usually involves a lot of like hormonal changes in the body that you just don't know when they happen or whatever. And there was one time where Toby was crying and like I had just changed her. I'd just bet her. I burped her. And I'm just like I don't understand what you need. So I just I'm like, okay, I have to leave you here in this uh you know, like in your best net, and I need to walk out of the room.
And I walked out. I had to.
I think it was like seven minutes, and she was crying and I came back and it was just so sad because she was just like I don't know if she was all red and just kind of like limp, you know, she had just kind of like given up. And I felt terrible, but I knew that I had to walk away from that. And I think a lot of new moms have that experience too, and it's just
the right thing to do. But when i'm sleep training to I don't you know, I think it's just like old school because my dad's like, oh, just let her cry, and I I'm like, no, that's I don't want to do that. She's an infant. She can't You can't spoil an infant, is what it is.
You are like setting the stage for her attachment style right now, Like how she conducts herself in her romantic relationships when she is in her twenties is one hundred percent connected to whatever is going on right now, which is so fucked up so right that it's so delicate, but like, yeah, if she is just like pursuing a guy who doesn't want her, or if she is running from a guy who does like her, it's all based on whether you let her cry or not.
A couple times in the basinette yes, so wild.
Aviy pointed that out because we took her to meet some family over the weekend and we just we you know, at first it was hard for me to let other people hold her and stuff, but now I'm like, okay, take her away and we see how she interacts with other people and she's fine. So Abvi was like, oh, you know, that could set her up for secure attachment because she's okay if we're not there. We went on like a mini date and everything, you know, like while
his cousin watched her. So yes, we are very aware of that. It's so good to like, all this relationship stuff that I've studied and books that I've read definitely are helping me at least be conscious of that.
Yeah, that's that's good to do.
I mean, being secure A lot of I've learned through the attachments of like if you're insecure. You can be with someone who's secure, and that can make you secure, but someone who's with a secure If you're anxious, attached, and with an avoidant, you'll never become secure. It's not like that those will even out to a secure person.
But secure you can pick up from someone else. And I think it's starting to pick it up from Chris, Like I think he's really secure attached, and I am starting to feel that way too.
Great.
Yeah, it's taken a while, but you just have to like let go and stop thinking about the future and trying to like control it, and once you just stop. I swear to God, my life was changed when I saw that fucking reel of that girl in her car saying, like that person you're mad at, that person that you are annoyed by today, the person in front of you in traffic, that person your boss who's not returning your email, that person who's emailing you too much because you're not returning their email.
Let them off the hook. Just try to let him off the hook.
I swear to God, I think about that multiple times a day, where I just am letting people and myself and things off the hook constantly. I am reading a book right now, if any besties want to read with me, it's like a dollar ninety nine on iBooks, So if you want to digitally download it, now's the time. It's called the Imposter Cure, and it's for people with imposter syndrome because I am suffering immensely from mine. I have
like stage four imposter syndrome right now. It's like gut literally could kill me, and I just don't know what to do about it anymore.
Huh.
What's like one of the things that stick out that you've learned from the book so far?
Well, the person who is by doctor Jesseme Hibbard. I don't know if it's a girl or guy, but they said, if you're reading this, you aren't you are good at what you do. No one who has the imposter syndrome who would pick up a book about the amposter syndrome. There's just no way that you are fooling anyone like you are actually talented or you are actually good. But then there's one thing that I read that made me go, I don't know this, and I'm in the very early
part of the book. They just like made me sign a contract in the book that says you're going to finish it and do all the things in it, Like you have to stick by it no matter how hard it is or no matter how dumb it seems. And I didn't sign it because it's on my fucking phone, so I'm supposed to sign it, but so I don't
have to stick through to this thing. But one of the things they said was that if you're reading this book, I know they're like, I know you think you're a fraud and that you're tricking everyone into thinking you're actually good at your job, and you work so hard to convince people that to keep up with people's expectations of you, because you feel like if you give in at all, they're going to find out.
And I don't relate to that.
In fact, I am at the part of the imposter syndrome, which I think is like a final stage of like literally when it's like it's stage five or whatever, it's like mistasticide. I don't know that word. You get what I'm saying, where you you feel you are so exhausted by it that you just want to give up, like I don't even care if people find out anymore. Like that's that's what made me pick up the book is like,
I can't, I can't keep doing I can't. I don't want to work hard anymore to keep this up because I'd rather just the truth come out. Everyone know I'm a fraud, and then I can just pick a new career. And so that's the part I'm asking.
This is a pattern in self sabotage. Yeah, you got tall Poppy, You're talking about this yesterday where it's like you you're you're a cheat. You're a cheat the uh, the recognition you deserve and your impulse is to destroy it.
But I don't think I deserve it.
I think that there's been some sort of like you know, things have aligned that make what I do right now extremely popular based on my gender, based on my age, based on the way I look, and that I am fitting into something that the culture needs. But there is it's not truly because there's anything I could argue, like I want to I want to actually meet with this person and go I actually think I am an imposter.
I'm the only person who's read this book that actually is because I am so like I literally I know what I'm good at and I and I'm just like finding myself failing in ways that I thought I that I should be.
It doesn't matter.
But I know that this is like do or die now, Like you know, this is when you like get helpful things, is when you realize, like you can't keep it up anymore.
And I'm just like exhausted.
And so interesting the book. Yeah, the only thing that you think you're not an impostor at is being an impostor, And so why don't you just accept that you're the best impostor in the world and that's why you're here.
Oh that's interesting because here's the other thing. Being an impostor is exhausting, and I can't do it anymore. I can't.
I can't. I can't keep.
Like like I keep keep telling Chris about this, like door, I shouldn't even be talking about this.
This is the other fear of an imposter syndrome is that.
You can't publicly talk about it because then people will start to see it, and then they will believe it too, and then you'll be found out because you are you're letting them in on the truth and like I'm revealing my tricks or something. But I was telling Chris about this room in my brain that has all of my self criticism that I know is true, and I have recently like locked that door and I don't get to look in it. Because to be good, you can't have
self doubt. You can't ever think negative things about yourself. Like what you think does come true. Manifest Station works like if you think good things, if you say good things, those things come true. I'm gonna win an Emmy, like it's already happened. That is happening because I manifested it. I don't think it's based on talent, to be honest with you, It's like I'm already I'm already robbing myself of the thing that I know I'm going to win because I manifested it.
I didn't actually earn it.
Like manifestation kind of blows in that way, is that you can't actually take credit for it because you just did some Joe To spends a shit on it and that's why you got it. So I told him about this room and my brain that is locked up, and if I look in the room, I will it's.
I'm going to start crying, like I can't.
I can look in that room occasionally and like grab something quickly out of it if.
I need it. But I can't.
I can't go in there, and recently I've had to go in there because oh, this.
Is too much to get into.
I'm gonna save it for tomorrow's podcast because it is seriously a mountain of hell in my brain recently, but I'm going to cure it with this book.
I really have a lot of faith in this book.
You guys know how I feel about books the changed my life, and this book is like there's just something about books that come into my life and fly into my field of vision when I really need them. And I am at like death's door with imposter syndrome right now, and really usually I can kind of claw my way out of it and go, no, you can point to this and this, I'm really out of tools to get
out of it. And I was looking through my books that I've downloaded in the past to find a new actually fiction book I wanted to read, like I'm.
Just like, what have you? Let's look at what you've downloaded, and.
This book was in there. I'm like, when did I get this? And so it just kind of flew into
my field of vision. I'm going to read it and it's going to swoop in and save the day, and then I'm going to be fucking great again, and I'm going to believe it about myself, and I'm going to be fooling no one, including myself, and we'll all know the truth that I'm just truly great and talented and a special person and truly better than others, and I deserve all the money and fame and success that I get because I am a superior person that was born.
Like, see, this is the danger.
When you start actually thinking you're good, you sound like a fucking asshole. I was meaning to sound like an asshole just then, by the way, I don't believe those things. But and then they even talk about in this book, like people who have imposter syndrome convince themselves that it's keeping them from being assholes. It's like keeping them in check. And I do believe that's true, and I do believe it's important.
You don't want to seem like an asshole, that's for sure.
Yeah, I think more people need imposter syndrome.
But you also, you know, you did a lot of hard work, and you need to be a Yes, this is all.
Hard work. In my plank class, I want to.
Fund Wasn't it hard when you were nineteen.
No, No, it was that literally was not because I didn't have another option. It was I liked doing comedy. I was so grateful I found it. I loved the people I did it with. I liked driving in the middle of the night to these awful gigs. I liked feeling scared and getting up and doing a gig. I liked writing jokes. I liked I liked everything. I was making fifty.
Dollars for a set, I liked it.
You don't have to suffer in order to be happy.
In order for it to be construed is hard work.
You would say, yeah, like you can. You can be happy. That's really what it comes down to. It's like things could have been easy and you could be happy and it's fine. Think about like a rich person who lives in uh New England, who was born into wealth, and they're just like, uh, they get to like go to the beach and go sailing and they never have to
worry about a single thing. Should they be going through their lives like being like, I guess I didn't earn any of this money and I'm a piece of shit worse, but they're they're just like, I'm gonna you know what, I'm gonna enjoy this. I'm gonna go uh sailing and have a good time. It's a waste. It's a waste of all the gifts you've been given to to feel shit a point.
Yeah, I mean I'm talking about.
It's like goodwill hunting, which I brought up yesterday too, and goodwill hunting. There's a pivotal scene where Matt Damon is at the construction site with Ben Affleck and Matt Damon goes, I don't think I'm going to take any of those jobs. I don't think I'm gonna do anything. I just view myself as being a guy who live
here in this in Southie with you. We're gonna raise some kids and we're gonna play little And Ben Affleck is like, if I if you lived with me twenty years ago, I swear to God, I'll fucking kill you. And it's like why. It's like He's like, I were you gonna say I owe it to myself. He's like, no, you don't owe it to yourself. You owe it to me. You owe it to me because you were given this gift. You're sitting on a winning lottery ticket and you're saying
I'm not going to cash it in. Any One of these other guys would die in order to get what you have, and for you to not take advantage of it is an insult to Ben Affleck.
That's a good reminder to have gratitude for the things that you have instead of feeling guilty about it or disparaging it in some way.
And Will Hunting did absolutely nothing to get his skills.
But I'm sorry, this is this is the thing I always come up against, is like people are like, Nikki, just be glad, like you have a talent and goodwill, Like we'll be mad at you if you don't capitalize on this. But then there are NEPO babies that are talented and they do it and people just trash them constantly because they seem to have had this golden ticket And isn't my life a golden ticket too in many ways?
And why am why do I not get to trash myself the way that we completely take down NEPO babies all the time because of their privilege. Why is it sometimes okay to do and then other times it's like you're bad to yourself? And I do want to say, like it is so annoying to listen to someone constantly complain about how they don't like themselves. But I don't want to be phony. I'm in the foyer of a house I don't like, and I don't like it, and
I'm telling you it. And that's why I'm reading a book to really enjoy this this house and to make the most of it. Whips of Jesus and put up the ones that Taylor sweft.
No one's asking you to pretend like you're happy when you're not. But you're we're discussing like the we like the honesty and of how you're feeling. But you're you're trying to get out of this problem and you're trying to figure out like the basis for being able to feel less bad about being.
A yes and and I'm not being really open to that right now, and I need to be more. And I think that's what this book does first, is it like makes you open to the idea that maybe maybe you're not an impostor maybe you do have this thing and maybe you're not fooling anyone. Just give it a chance,
like could it possibly be that? And I really like that because that really helped me when I was recovering from an eating disorder, because I remember there was this one point where it was just like you, when you have an eating disorder, you constantly think of people with eating disorders as like different than you, and you're different, like you're like, I have to eat less to look the way I want to look like these other women, like everyone else gets to can go back to eating
normal and have a normal body. But I'm special and I'm different and I'm broken, and I have to eat less.
I don't get to be normal.
And it's like this magical thinking that is honestly you thinking you're better than other people or somehow different in a way, when really you're not. And I'm not different, and I have the same thing that it says seventy percent of humans at some point in their lives deal with imposter syndrome.
I would like to.
Meet this thirty percent who just are like themselves all the time. Their mom's probably never left them in a room crying.
No, that's what I'm determining.
That homeless guy stabbing the pipe with his knife doesn't have imposters, so who knows exactly who he is?
No, I think that's the final stage of it. I can think I'm real close to that.
All right. Thank you guys for listening to the podcast today. Noah, welcome back to the show. We will have another show with Noah tomorrow. Thank you, besties for listening shows this weekend. I've got one sold out show on Friday, so you don't even need to know about that. That's an Oregon, which I'm saying differently now because I'm going there.
I usually say Oregon.
And then Saturday night I am in San Matteo, I think, and then on Sunday night, lots of daficates available and I want you there because it's a Sunday show and it's going to be a huge room, and it's an important show for me. And that is going to be in Paso Robules, California, which is wine country. So if you live in Wine Country, please please please come to that show. I'll tell you why in the future why that show in particular means a lot to me, but.
It really does.
And I need you there and I need you laughing hard and I would love to see you there.
Thank you so much, besties.
I love you.
I'm not an impostor. I'm really talented.
And I'm grateful for you listening, and you have great taste and talent. All right, everyone, have a good Wednesday, and I'll see you tomorrow.
They'll be good bye.