The Nikki Gliser Podcast.
Oh nik Glaser pos.
Hello here, I am Nicky Glazer Podcast. Welcome to the show. I'm Nicki Glazer. I just decided to put on some sunglasses because my eyes have not depuffed dee puffed top puffed U depuffed from sleeping. I woke up like an hour and a half ago. They haven't gone down yet. It's annoying. And I'm just like, I'm tired of people. Like I hate when people are honest with you and they're like, you look tired. Like I remember the first time anyone ever said it to me. It was tenth grade.
It was John Reinert. We were walking in between first and second period. We crossed paths and he was like, you look tired. And I was just devastated by it. And I still think about that moment to this day. And I couldn't focus and class the rest of the day. And yeah, and when when people say you look tired, it's just it's the we've everyone knows that that's a roote thing to say. I think it's gotten to most people. But I have a friend who's in his seventies and
he does not know not to tell me that. And yeah, so I heard I looked tired, but he just goes, I go, that's rude. I go, okay, thanks, I know, and I got defensive and he was like, it's not an indictment. You just your eyes are puffy.
I was like, I know, here's a good test. Would you say it to someone who is on their deathbed in the hospital?
You look tired of life?
He looked tired. You know what someone told me yesterday? Yesterday? Oh? I said yesterday.
That's okay. It makes it funnier.
It was like five weeks ago.
Oh my god, because you know comedy and things closer, you're not going.
To believe what someone told me while I was walking in here today.
Okay, what does some one just tell you?
They told me that I have a toothy smile.
That's not nice.
And I was like, okay, well I'll never smile again.
You know what, you could just say, bright smile, you have a They thought it was yeah, what kind of teeth do does this person happen? Because you can usually sense what the comp is, what they mean by it when when what they're doing.
She has no teeth, they're all knocked out, just a gums.
Well then if that were the case if she had shitty teeth and small teeth and like not enough teeth, she might be complimenting you.
Yeah, she was complimenting me. She is not a She has not.
A knock you down type of toothy smile.
Yeah, she thought that would make me feel good.
You have a skin like face, you have a skin, you have sort of skin on your face.
What do you do you teeth?
Toothy? Is? It doesn't sound good. It just sounds like your your mouth is overwhelmed. There's too many I don't know that you have a toothy.
Grin your mouth is like the d m V at three pm, like it's just overwhelmed.
And yes, it just seems like one of those like a toothy smile. It's it's not nice.
No, no, so I said, I said, I'll never smile again in front of you. And then she tried to defend how toothy is not an insult.
But no, you have a great smile, is I think what she meant.
Yeah, No, she believes I have a great smile. And she chose the word toothy to express that.
You have a toey foot, you have a fingery hand, like I'm trying to think of other things It's like you're just saying the word e yeah, but the thing that's in it.
Harry, Well there's Harry. You have a hairy chest? Do you have a hairy back? You know? One time this is you know, famously I went to get my back lasered with favorite boyfriend's brother, Tim Condi. We drive all the way to Santa Monica, forty five minutes and there's like.
Hot girls that worked there. You guys were single at the time, and you were both like astounded at like, oh no, we have to have like sign in and these hot girls are all working this place and they know we have disgusting back there.
That's right. Was this the not safe days? Did we talk about this? Oh my god?
This is yeah.
Yeah. So I wound up picking up the front desk girl at.
The hair did you really yeah? Wow? So picking up thought Brian Frandi would use.
That's right, that's right. I caught that dog in my net? Is that what they say?
Picked up?
Like?
How do you transition from like I'm checking in for a back hair lasering my third session to like what are you doing later? Like what do you say? Can I get a number?
Like?
Hey, would you like to hang out? Sometime, do you.
Here's what happened. We'd go back every week, so there was no pressure because I knew that I'd have opportunities to build a rapport with this person.
Yeah.
So the first time I went in, you know, she was at the front desk at this beauty place. And the first time, you know, I just kind of like had a conversation with her, and then the second time, a little longer conversation. Then you have like kind of like even like inside jokes start to develop because like, oh, here it is again, remember what you said about that
that plant. And then the third time I went in there and I was wearing a shirt with an alien on it, and yeah yeah, and she said and also what was funny about this is because Tim was trying to hit on her too, so it was a little bit of a competition.
Oh my god.
And we were kind of going neck and neck. And then on his shirt, yeah, his shirt, he had a polo Yeah, he just had a polo shirt with them. But I had an alien on my shirt. And this really was what broke it open for me. She really connected with the alien because she loved aliens. And then I was like, well, I have a whole podcast where I talk about aliens, and she was like, oh, I'll listen to the podcast. And then I, you know, gave her the information. And then the next time I went in,
she had listened to the podcast, loved the podcast. And then that's when we exchanged numbers.
And then what did you go out? Why didn't this work out?
Okay? We went on a date and uh, when I did in Santa Monica, I find out that she lives in Oxnard, which is not a deal breaker, but if anyone doesn't know, the geography of La Oxnard is like two hours away from La.
God that poor girl having to commute to Santa Monica. Yeah, and then laser clinic Jesus okay, and then we.
Went to like at the time, I was like pretending like I drink, but not drinking. So we went to this Like first I was like, let's go.
To this bar so you could just fit in with the dating culture, Like you didn't figure out that that wasn't the move.
Yeah, well, there there was a certain section of girls who would it was a deal breaker if you didn't drink because they wouldn't be comfortable.
So why would you even weren't you looking for a wife. Wouldn't you did not even want to date someone that was That.
Was my my philosophy was they might not accept it, like initially because they don't know who I am. But then after a few dates if I say I'm not drinking, then and then know me already. Okay, So I go, I go, let's go to this bar and she goes, oh, I don't, I got it, I can't. I was like, oh, that's interesting. So I was like, okay, So let's go to this like a restaurant place, and she's like okay. And then I go sit down and I was like, uh oh. So the waitress comes by, do you want
anything to drink? And she goes, I'll just have a soda, and I was like, okay, maybe she's sober. And then then during the conversation she just says some like really immature things like she says like my mom is such a bitch, like she won't let me blah blah blah. And I'm like, what you're calling your mom a bitch? Like what what kind of And then I say, how how old are you? No turns out she was nineteen what she was nineteen and at the time I was I don't.
Know nine, okay, yeah.
So she's like ten, she's like a teenager. Yeah, and I was like, oh my god. And I had already kissed her.
Oh my god.
Yeah, I kissed a nineteen year old. But I found out how old she was. I had already kissed her. But then I was like, I can't. I don't think I can date a teenager. No, I don't think that's appropriate. And I don't think so. Yeah, that was the end of that. I was like, Okay, well, I think maybe we ended answer for why.
Yeah, most guys would be like, yes.
I was looking for a wife, so I was looking, but like, uh I a child bride though, yeah, no, this would have been I knew we would have not gotten along. And it was just like interesting, but nineteen nowadays, I dated an eighteen year old. I don't care.
Yeah, now that you're married, who gives a shit what? I have this dog, and did you does your dog ever pull on the leash? And then you spill an entire Scarbucks? Now you're all over the Thank god it was. I had walked right out of the Starbucks, and she wanted to stay in just tipped it went everywhere, and I was so just disappointed. I could have just gone back in and get a new one because everyone saw it, but I just kept going and I was just like, I'm not meant to have that, and I'm so mad
and if I like, I just that that. It's the feeling that when you we used to all have the headphones and they would get caught on something.
Oh god, that because I haven't switched, I still have wires. Why, oh god, it's the worst feeling in the world. I know you're exactly what you're talking about.
Why why haven't you switched?
I hate ear pods. I feel like they fall out and they fall on the floor and they get disgusting. At least the wires they'd hang out.
I've gotten an ear infection from but I would get it from the wire once too, because I put them in bags and I'm disgusting and they roll around in dirty purses. So but yeah, the EarPods are amazing.
When you get when when you accidentally pull on the wire and it feels like someone yanked out your soul.
Yes, that's what it feels like when a dog is suddenly just decides to like stop on a dime, and like you are kind of going in one direction. And I got to say, with this dog, she doesn't understand that the that I'm pulling her like, she doesn't know. She just thinks this thing around my neck is getting tight, this is annoying. Like she doesn't connect it to me at all. She might be stupid. Is that possible? Like
how does she not connect it? And so I just there's no me, Like she's so tiny that I don't want to strangle her. And like a lot of people just yank their dog until they give up, she won't give up. She doesn't understand what's going on. She would rather choke to death than give up on smelling a little electrical box or something like she's obsessed with this electrical box we always walk by. That's just like, you know, just two sockets. And so I have to pick her
up all the time. And I know this is all trainable, but I'm just want a dog that is already trained. Is that so hard to ask for? Is a perfect dog that.
You can read that?
I mean, yeah, you can send your dog off to be trained and then they bring it back and then you dismantle everything they did, right, I think that's how it works. You produce spend all this money there perfect they show you what they did, you go, oh my god, this dog's gonna be amazing. And then your dog doesn't respect you because it thinks it's mom. Is this lesbian whose farm you sent her to for three weeks? You know, I don't know. It just it tests your patience, you know.
I just felt like and with this dog, I know this is so dumb, and I every mom listening to me is gonna hate me right now, Hello, moms. I can't get anything done because this dog always needs something. It's always staring at me to play or want something. I'm always disappointing it. I can't get laundry done, I can't clean a bath like, straighten up a not clean a bathroom, straighten up a bathroom like put my makeup back in a bag like, I can't unpack boxes like.
My house is a nightmare right now because of this dog and how every second is taken up by it. And it's I like it though, because she's so cute and now she is sleeping in the bed. I got her to sleep there last night. It is part of the deal she's agreed to. But and she's so soft and so cute and so cuddly and I love her, but man, it's just like, why do humans accept Do we need love that much that we just ruin our lives to get it?
Oh? I think that's it, absolutely, And you know what, I think over time the dog will settle into a routine with you, but it won't You'll you'll have to adapt also, like it won't be perfect. Like sometimes even like sometimes Jack just has to My dog Jack has to get up at like seven am in order to pee, and it's just like, oh, come on, they's standing there and he really has to go, and if and if you don't take him, he'll pee on the carpet and like, yeah,
that's annoying. But most of the time there's a routine established and he gets up at the proper time.
But yeah, yesterday Gilly like peed on Chris's bath, matt first accident she's ever had, and then she also pooped in his room, and he there was just a sternness with which he was like, we can't have this happening, Like he does not tolerate dogs having accidents. Like it's not like he's going to like kill the dogs, you know, Like he's not mad at the dog. He's just like, this isn't a thing I'm signing up for, Like we will not something needs to be done. And I'm like,
shut your door, let it poop in my room. I'm gonna get it like a pea pad or something so she can go if. But the thing is she she is like she's like gooning for peeing and pooping, like she likes to go outside. She has to go so bad, and then she waits way too long. And I'm someone who's like, let's just get it done. My other dog's just like if they have to go pee, as soon as they walk out the door, they find something to pee on. And she's like, no, it has to be perfect.
I'm still learning how she works, and she's amazing and I love her, but god, I can't imagine doing this longer than thirteen years, Like at least I have an hour. She's gonna she can't live, but maybe she'll live.
To like fifteen or sixteen.
She's two now, But yeah, I wouldn't sign up for a lifetime of this. And it's and she she is fine doing nothing. Kids are not Kids will not just like lay in a little ball and go to sleep when you know, like when they're bored or whatever, she can just literally look at nothing. My friend Sara Lena is trying to compile. She's noticed that there after she saw the Nickelodeon doc about like all the perverts that
were putting like sexual things in kids shows. She's like obsessed with finding disgusting things in kids' cartoons because she's watching them all the time because she has a one and a half year old And she's like, girls, I really think something weird is going on in this Bluey show. And she's like, I'm going there. Yesterday there was this beach scene. I was like, Bluey louis like from Australia. It's so cute, it's so seems whenever I've seen it
just seems like adults love it, kids love it. It just seems.
Perverts.
Okay, so she yeah, I think I think that the whole country was formed on perverts. No, You're right, Australia does not have a perverted vibe to it, Like being there, it was just so no one smokes weed in Australia. Can I say that is the It's the weirdest thing. If we have any Australian listeners, will you tell me what it is about your country that makes you guys not want to smoke weed? And I swear to God, Brian, when I was there, I was like looking for anything,
just because I didn't bring it on the plane. But I was like just saying, everyone's getting wasted. They drink a lot. And Chris was saying it's because they drink so much they don't need it, and I'm like, but we drink a lot here too, And I don't know if you've read recently, pot has exceeded like pot use in adults is more than alcohol use.
Yes, yes, which is crazy.
Yeah, Pot's on top. But anyway, I was asking Australia like, does anyone have like a vape? Like just I want a little hit at something so I can let loose at this wedding And people go, no, no, my, we don't really do that here. But how are they talking? I fucked it up and yeah, noy NOI And I was like, why don't you guys smoke weed?
Like?
And they go it's illegal, and I go, oh, that didn't stop us. Yeah what the fuck? Yeah? I go that means nothing like less fun doing it now because it's legal, Like I want to do it less because it's so legal. But yeah, they just don't do it. And I'm like, what is it about Americans? Like what does pop give us that Australians are like, yeah, we got we're good man. We just what is it?
We're a more stressful country that's focused on success in our capitalists environs, and Australians have tall poppy syndrome. They don't even want to succeed if they can.
Yeah, for people who don't know, tall poppy syndrome is that if you are an Australian and you get too big for your bridges, the tall poppy rises up above all the poppies, they chop it off. They don't like it. They don't like you to flaunt your wealth. There. I heard though, in because I have some famous Australian friends who have had to like kind of play it like they can't Like if it gets out that they buy a nice car, people are like, oh what do you?
Who do you think you are? Whereas in America it's like that's if you can't afford things, you get things that you can't afford, so you look like you might have money. But in Australia they're toning it down. But recently I I've heard that they are being a little bit chiller about it, and it's like it's almost like not tall poppy syndrome, but like you got to be like really like, I don't know, it's it's they're they're getting more Americanized.
In that way that makes sense. I mean the whole world is really.
Yeah, but me, But what I will say about Bluey is that the clips because I go, send me the clips because I don't believe this. I don't want to know this. And it was I don't think it's bad. It was Bluey's on the beach and putting sand over himself. And then there's like a seashell you know when you turn a seashell around, not even it's like a clam shell almost okay, and it combines in the back. It's like the kind that you put on a puka shell necklace. They like it like clamps in the back and it
kind of looks like a vagina. Yeah, yeah, we like put is holding that on a yeah, toothy Blue's like holding that near the crotch of the mermaid sand mermaid bottom that he has. He's just holding it. It doesn't look like anyone's trying to do anything interesting. And then there's another scene where you know those like little clamshells that pop out of the sand and then they squirt water as a defense. They liked they supertout water.
God, I've never seen, but I can imagine.
I think they're more frequent in Australia than the States, and so that's why they ended up in this. But she was like, that looks like a penis, like ejaculating. Yeah, And I'm like, but just because something in nature looks like a penis doesn't mean kids shouldn't learn about it.
That's right, there is a thing.
It doesn't mean like that means that person was like jerking off to the idea of kids watching this. This is just yeah.
And also it's a common thing in Australia. It's fine. But yeah, no, there's there was another scene where Blue was at the at the beach I think was that a pool, and he was like looking at a.
Picture of deep thirting a cucumber.
That was going to be my joke.
Yet I could see, well, I know I knew where you were going.
I don't believe.
I don't trust you anymore because whenever I feel like really safe with you about a story. I now I go into defense mode. Yet you're not taking me down a road I can trust. No. But I think that there are perverts doing this stuff, but I don't think Blue is one of them, and I would I think parents that are bored watching cartoons keep an eye up for the stuff because adults are trying to make jokes because they're bored with their job. And send me any
that you see because I'm fascinated by it. I mean, the Nickelodeon stuff was egregious. Did you watch that?
I have watched it yet, set I don't even know if I want to.
They just okay, So they made one was Ariana Grande trying to get She was trying to juice a potato. So she's trying to get out of a potatoes. So she's doing like this with the potato and she's like, I can't get it. It just won't come out, and she's kind of like giving a hand job to the potato.
Yeah.
Then there's another one where she there's one where Jamie Lin spears on Zoe one O one or whatever that show is, is getting a squirt like squirting like a goo on her face and it just looks like a cumshot, like it's And this is.
The documentary saying that the producers on purpose were doing this to get sexual content from there.
Yeah, they weren't like trying to fuck the kids, not in I don't think in this particular this wasn't. It was a way to exploit children, for sure, for their own little jollies of like, this is an inside joke with us. So there were people on set trying to fuck kids, and they did fuck kids, But the guys that were writing this stuff, I don't think. But it was all a culture of like taking advantage of these kids, making them do really disgusting things, making the kids who
are black do even weirder things. Oh, and like making all the boys wear spandex suits as much as they could so that they would have their like so they would just feel degraded. I mean, it's disgusting. Dan Schneider is a fucking creep pervert discussion.
Why would they do to the kids.
Because they're sadistic and because they get off on making they were bullies and they want these kids who and they are so in charge. And a running theme in all of these shows too was that Dan Snyder would put himself in the show and the kids would be like, we fear the creator. They would call him like the creat I forget what they called him, but they're like, he would like kind of talk on a box like Charlie's Angels and give them directives and they would be like, well,
do whatever you say. Like he would write this for himself. There was a scene he wrote where he was in a hot tub. He was always getting massages on set from women and probably cast members, but women in the you know, wardrobe department, would be like, we are we have eight costumes to make before noon and it's nine am, and Dan is calling one of us down to set to massage him, and we would do it because we get fired on the spot if we did it. So is he in jail, No, but because he was able
to break he got fired. But he's still like he's still trying to have a career and he's such amaker that they didn't care. They didn't care. Everyone knew about this and if this woman, yeah, it's like if this woman would have spoken up and been like, we're tired of giving him massages. This isn't part of our job, they would have been immediately fired, no questions asked, because this guy was just churning out the content for Nickelodeon. They didn't care. And these poor kids are just want
to be stars, so they agree to everything. The one adult on the set who was like, there's something sneaky going on, well there too. There was a woman who her son she just want Her son just was like, Mom, please stop like ringing the alarm bell, like I just want to be an actor, like, don't call things out. So she kind of like was trying to do right by her son with what he wanted because he wanted to stay on the show all that, you know, and so she wouldn't speak up as much as she wanted to.
And the other parents were just like, we don't see what you're seeing. And then there was a dad who definitely noticed a weird relationship between his son Rake Bell. Turns out Drake Bell the famous drape Bell and this guy that was ended up being a rapist, a child rapist convicted and ended up working for Disney after he
was convicted. Cool, Cool, How does that fucking happen? How is someone in jail in Rikers right now because they got a pot charge in nineteen ninety seven for weed for a less than an eighth of weed, and yet this guy got a job at Disney after he was convicted.
It's like almost like a Benit like I had any special skills as a resume what they wanted that.
I really don't undert I know that there's some kind of explanation for me there of how this happens in our legal system, but I don't get it. I don't get how people that have ever they've recently introduced castration in I think South Carolina or Georgia for pedophiles, and I think that's very interesting. That's all saying on that. I think it's not a bad idea, but I could be proven wrong if you have the literature which proved
me wrong. I just don't know how else to them, because no one will get these people help because no one wants to talk to them about what they're up to. So this is the next best thing, I guess to protect children, I don't know. Maybe just don't let your kid be a child actor on a set run by adults whose only motive is profit and not making child entertainment. It's really only about money. We'll be right back after this. Oh, I got to tell you about a thing I did
for SeaWorld after this, So we're back. So I got asked to, Like, see, I guess Peta asked me to do this thing they're doing. There's a shareholder meeting at SeaWorld happening and okay, so it says our team would like to submit a question on your behalf. SeaWorld is holding its annual virtual Shareholder meeting on June thirteenth. As a shareholder, PETA has the right to attend these meetings and pose a question to executives in front of each
shareholder present. So Peter's shareholder in SeaWorld. That seems crazy.
That seems yeah, like a conflict of interest.
But maybe that's their way of like monitoring what's going on there and having a say in it.
I mean, I don't know. I've heard bad things about Pete. I don't really fully trust them either. Who knows what they're like what you hear I've just I've just heard that, you know, a typical charity that's actually run for profit, Like the people at the top are just making money off of the off of exploiting people who want to help animals.
Oh, I know that a lot of their thing is like PETA would prefer to put down animals then just have them in like a cage for the rest of their lives.
Yeah, that's wild.
I don't think so, but I won't say anymore on that. Would you would? I? I would rather die than just stay in a concrete cage the rest of my life, covered in my own feces. What about you?
Yeah, yeah, I guess. I mean, it's it's an extreme stance, but I can see I can see that as a potential.
I don't know all the details, so don't fucking don't make me to task on this. I don't. I'm not saying but if given those two scenarios, I would like to be sent away.
Well, the only one of the arguments for that is the only reason we have all of those cows that are in those cages is because we eat them. So if we never ate them, it would be like four percent of the amount of cows on this earth then there currently are.
Well, that's what people always say, if we stop eating meat, what do we do with all the cows that have are ready for And it's just like, let's just finish them all off and then stop.
Yeah, and then that's why they exist, that's why so many well taken.
And why are people so concerned with the welfare of these cows that they were just eating a second ago? Is my question I'd like to pose. But what about the poor cows that are now left over from this new law change. Anyway, So they said, our team would like to submit questions on your behalf. All you would need to do is sign off with the question below, which we've we've tweaked it to sound like it's coming from you. Other people that are asking questions are Pamela Anderson,
Joan Jet, Jillian Anderson, Gillian Anderson, Jillian Anderson. I said it's Jill, is it? Oh you know you had an alien podcast X files.
Oh oh yeah, that's Jillian.
Okay, thank you, speaking of Gillian Jacobs and Laala Kent. Yes, yes, you were.
So.
Anyway, uh So, they want to ask a question to allow us to call attention to SeaWorld's continued cruelty. I think, I mean, I think this is a good thing. I think Peter's in the right place.
Or is it Chris is nickname SeaWorld? Yeah it is, so every time you say it, I think you're talking about him. So there it is interested in SeaWorld's cruelty.
Huh yeah, Oh, I've got some stories for them. No, okay, so he keeps me in a tank. Okay, So here here's the statement they wrote for me. Okay, and then I want to say, comedians have My name is Nicki Glazer, and I have a question on behalf of Peta. They're gonna read this for me. By the way, this is what they wrote for me. Can Medians have made a variety of jokes about SeaWorld throughout the years, myself included, whether on Late Night or Saturday Night Live or in
a comedy special. Audiences laugh at these jokes because they agree with them. We laughed because we collectively recognize the absurdity of forcing dolphins and whales to live and die in tanks when they're meant for something as expansive and brilliant as the ocean. By the way, By the way, the ocean is a big body of water where sea life thrives. In case any SeaWorld execs haven't.
Heard of it, Oh shit, Oh my god, someone's.
A little nineteen year old brat. Yeah, and my mom's a bitch. If you impregnated a human against their will force their child to live in a bathtub for their entire life, and made them entertain you you'd go to prison. So my question is so, my question is when. So my question is when, not if, but when will SeaWorld stop forcibly impregnating dolphins and whales and sentencing them to this miserable fate. It would be a joy to leave SeaWorld off of my set list. I liked the sentiment.
I liked how they're like, you know what I liked about that was that they said that the reason people laugh is because they agree with me and they know SeaWorld's involved in cruelty, right, And the joke I made in my special, well, I'll get to that. So here's here's my here's my thing I sent back to them.
You know what I hate with phone apps when you are like trying to switch between apps and it has to like reload. When when you open here with that, it's like I'm looking at my email, I'm trying to transfer it to my notes app or something, and then when I go back to my email, like has to go back to the original email screen and I have to go back into the email or have sports scores on Yahoo's Sports and I want to go back to Hulu to look at the game, and.
I got to start up their little logo first.
Yeah, and then I go back to Yahoo's Sports and it reloads the original score, like why.
Can't say that ship? And here's another Oh how many times has this happened? You're on Instagram and you you open up Instagram and there's a real playing that You're like, oh, I can't wait to watch this, and then some reason, you like hit part of the screen or your Instagram decides, you know, we're actually gonna start over, like we wouldn't start from the top and refresh, And then that reel is gone forever because there was nothing.
No, it's you can't find it, you can't scroll, it's gone.
It's gone because you don't know who made it. It was just a girl talking in her bathroom about some new kind of blush technique that is going to give you an eye lift, and I needed to know what she said. I'll never find it again because I don't know who that girl was. It was suggested content, so I don't already follow her, and I'll never get it back.
I'll never get that video back of Taylor swift looking fine as hell, you know, wiping some a snot and then hitting a note that is amazing or whatever it is that I wanted to see that she did, which was so cool, And it's gone forever because the algorithm decides to just like refresh for me.
Yeah, it's so annoying. Yes, I need.
I can't take it. It makes me want to like, I can't believe they haven't figured that out yet.
You.
Another thing I cannot believe they haven't figured out is like, why do I ever And maybe I've said this before, Why do I ever need to type in Saint Louis when I am putting in my address? Why is the zip code not getting a Saint Louis and Missouri boom covering those? I don't have to scroll down to the MS and find the Sorry, why isn't a zip code the first thing you put in? And then you start typing your address and it buy that zip code starts giving you suggestions? Why is it everything like that?
You should go? You should think even bigger. The phone should know your location, which it already does, and just suggests we are dumb.
It's playing dumb did last summer and it's asking you would you do it? Knows it's such bullshit.
Yeah, there's so many things that I'm just like, how does.
This not know this thing? Or or it will like I will type in I will say like, oh, leave that package for Nicki Glazer and it you know, I'll do the voice command and it will type in Mickey Glazer with two s's, and I go, how many times on this device have I filled in my fucking name?
Yeah?
I mean, I mean my ducking name. At least it's got that right now.
Yeah, No, it still does ducking for me. It does so many. So many of those auto corrects are terrible. But then we all say that AI is going to come in and take over the world, and it's like, we will figure out how to get autocorrect right in our phones. AI is. This is what AI is going to be for the next How long have we had this stuff on our phones? Like fifteen years now twenty years and it's still shitty and mistake written?
Oh my god. Like the way that if you will dictate a text to someone and you just start talking like a paragraph of text and you say it really perfectly and you fucking nail it. You're putting on the periods, and it will just throw in commas everywhere, which is
not good. I would rather it not put in commas and have it be a run on sentence because then I know where to go in and put the commas later on, because I didn't say commas throwing it just sometimes Anya is such a like Anya knows perfect grammar, and I know she judges people based on their spelling mistakes and grammar, Like I just know who she is and like, well she'll think less of so just slightly
because I do too. And so whenever I write her a paragraph, I always have to say, by the way I dictated this, do not think that I think there should be a comma after every subject or whatever? Do you have that? Does it happen to you where? And commas?
You em were in middle school when you first learned about the comma, and then that's what it is.
Had it is seriously a sixth grader writing their first five paragraph essay about why whales are better than dolphins, which brings me back to the sea world thing. So this is my modification of it, right, So this is what I sent back Brian. My name is Nicky, and I have a question. My name is nicky. Mickey Glazer and I have a question on behalf of PETA. I'm sure you've noticed the uptick and comedians making jokes reference
in the SeaWorld in the past ten years. I actually just referenced you guys last month and my latest special in case you didn't see it. The joke I told was about how I am experiencing vaginal dryness lately. I said that I longed for my twenties when I was quote constantly wet end quote Then I said, it's because in my twenties I worked at SeaWorld and animal cruelty turns me on. I'm sure you're not laughing, but I will tell you the audience there that night really enjoyed it.
And the reason they laughed was because what I said is true. Everyone knows what you're up to over there. We know that you force dolphins and whales to live and die in your tiny, tragic tanks when they're meant for something as expansive, as brilliant as ocean. I didn't change that sentence.
I liked it.
I don't think all of you are bad people. I bet you love animals, and deep down you know what you do is wrong, But you're blinded by the profit you make off of people who come to see your shows who don't yet know the truth. Oh but they will know it eventually, and they'll stop coming. I can't wait for when they do. But until then, you've the chance to do the right thing by the animals you
claim to love so much. Please, for the love of God, stop imprisoning and forcibly impregnating dolphins and whales and sentencing them to a miserable fate. I'd love to leave your company out of my jokes, therefore allowing me to focus on the other pressing humanitarian issues. Thereby allowing me to focus on other pressing humanitarian issues, like my vaginal dryness. I thought it'd be funny to like make some jokes in it.
Yes, right, I agree. I liked that version a lot better.
Thank you. Well. They sent back, well, I'm so sorry, but we can only have a thousand words, so they took out all the jokes, and then I had to sneak them back in and I put what did I put? Oh the end one? As me's writing back, I said, they took out my.
Quoting my only have a thousand words.
Because they didn't want me to say vaginal dryness at a sharehold greeting. But you know what, I think that wakes people up in a fucking shareholder meeting, Like, and it's from Nicki Klazer. Everyone knows my style. And if you don't get on board, so.
Boring, just have a bunch of slaverties being like this is bad and it's tragic and I hate it. You need someone in there to be entertaining.
So that, yes, we would.
You just said vagina.
So what did change I changed it to? I actually were just referenced to you guys last month in my latest special. You should watch it. I'm sure you won't laugh, but boy did the audience that night and so and then I said it all the is the same until the end because they took out the vaginal dryness joke, and I said, I'd love to leave your company out of my uh, out of my jokes and work on calling out circuses next. So that that was just like
something I could add in. But yeah, it's just sometimes I just get this like fire in my belly where I'm like, oh, I'm gonna just like say something like, oh, I nailed it, Like I just wrote that out. So quickly, and I was like, oh my god, I can't wait for someone to have to read this on a zoom to these all these like uptight suits and and then
they just take out the zest. But I will say Peta did come up with a cool They came up with the tagline for my poster that I did, you know, the naked photo shoot that was, uh, don't never I never steal anyone's material or something like that. It was I forget it now. But it was a good tagline that I did not write. And everyone was like, that's so good, Nikki, and I was like, I didn't do it,
Peta did it. But Peta was cool when they came when I did the shoot with them, because I was super scared when I went to the shoot, like my mom came with me, and I was like, mom, do not wear any leather, Like don't have any leather on your shoe, Like make sure you know you don't kick
any dogs on the way in. Make sure that there's no bird shit on your car, like I don't even know, like they might be like your car blocked this bird from shitting in the grass where it's meant to bolt shit, or you know, I don't know how insane these people are gonna be. But we got there and I was kind of talking to them about stuff, and I go, this person, it's made of apples. It's not real leather. I like, walk in immediately like I swear, and they go,
we don't care. And the representatives they sent to me were actually pretty chill, and I would like to share that not everyone at PETA is insane and it's gonna make you feel no, some of them are, and we need those people to be loud and like not take any kind of excuses or that you might have for doing what you do. But they I was talking to them about my mom was kind of like asking like, well, what about you know, I don't even think you should do use leather because she was trying to like fit
in even though she absolutely believes in leather. And they go, oh, used is fine, And I was like what and they're like, yeah, if it's like already, yeah, if you want to thrift, yeah totally. And then I was wearing in the shot that I shot. I brought a bunch of shoes for the shoe because that's all the wardrobe I had right to supply. Because I was naked, and I brought in these leopard platform heels and I'm wearing them in the shot. You can go look at it, but and I go,
are these okay? They're leopard? I just don't want people to be like, why is it okay to use fake leopard because it's obviously not real leopard there is I don't think anyone has real leopard things. Maybe in Dubai. Yeah yeah, And they go, no, it's fine, like and I go, but isn't that bad to like even use animal print fakely? And they're like no, who cares. They're like, seriously, it's fine. Like we encourage like using fake stuff, fake
it all day, like, just don't use real stuff. And then I saw the shot and it was me and these leopard print sandals, and I just know people hate Peta so much they'll use any and vegans, they'll use any kind of reason to dismantle what we're doing. So I knew comments would be like why is she wearing leopard print? Like it would just distract from my tits. So I had them photoshop the heels to be black
because I was like, I just don't want trouble. But Pete was like we don't care use leopard, and I thought that was an interesting choice that they were just like, oh, that's fine, but I will say that sorry. I was getting a I'm just I'm getting a new car, you know. And I've been test driving all these Mercedes, and I told my sister about this one that I was gonna get,
and she was like, what's the anterior? And I was like, she goes what and I was like, so she goes, it's leather, and I go yeah, because they don't I don't know what, like, there's no I like, was just like stumbling over my words. And she goes, you just did a campaign with Peta about not wearing leather. And I go, I'm not gonna wear the car, you know. And I go, no, you're right, thank you, because this is a good reminder, like Eve in me as this like I am all about doing the right thing by animals.
Even I can be like, but I want it, but this is the one I want. I don't want the car that has the cloth interior. That's not as good.
And she just cars have real leather, and the non fancy cars have have fake leather. You have to get ah, it doesn't.
Feel as good and guess what I don't get to. I always use that argument for people who are like, but I love milkshakes. I'm just like, Okay, well sorry, that doesn't mean you get to abuse animals just because you like something. So she really like threw it back in my face, and I loved that. And I even I like when I catch myself messing up in the way that I call other people out for. And I was able to go, like, Nikki, no, you don't get the car you want just because you want it because
it has leather interior, and that's not cool. So I found one that has fake leather. Oh nice, and I think I'm going.
To do that. I prefer non leather leather interiors. I don't like how hot it gets and sticky it gets, and you can you can people say like, oh, you can't clean a cloth one. You can easily clean a cloth one. You can just get carpet cleaner if you get a stain on it or something, right, I prefer non leather. I also don't really like how how the leather smells for so long, but that's that's just me.
It is weird. You're like sitting on animal skin that like an animal that was like skinned, it's it's terrible to think about, and Chris was saying, like he goes, I will say that I think most leather is a byproduct of like the meat industry, like they use the discarded.
Yeah, we're just like the Native American for using it.
And I go, but then, but I don't want to partake in the meat industry even if it's like a byproduct of So it's a byproduct of something else horrible. So everyone was right, I'm doing the right thing. I'm getting but I honestly I can't always do the right thing. There's things in my life.
I drive yourself crazy. There's gonna be animal products and all sorts of things that you know and blue and like it, like the glue that holds together your whatever, your your hair dryer. Might then you might find that you can't drive yourself insane, because no, you have to realize that you as an individual are not going to change the planet. But you can make you can.
You do what you can. And that's what I always tell people. Even though I'm a vegan, I don't expect everyone else to be vegan. You just try to make some choices here and there that aren't meat related and you do your best.
And that's all I want, except to the corporations and the governments to make change. And that's all you can hope for once they're until they're only making.
Dream Yeah, I mean it just do Like I was thinking about SeaWorld and how the people that probably started SeaWorld were the people that work there do love animals. Why would you get into that? That was my dream as a little girl was to be one of the women with the ponytails that gets pulled to the bottom by tillicum or whatever and drowned to death. I wanted to be that cute girl that was riding on the nose of a whale doing a show because I loved
animals and I thought those animals liked that. And so these people going to the show and working at zoos and circuses, a lot of them love animals and they they want to be there to almost monitor what's going on. And so I know that deep down, but people just get blinded by money. And that's what I was blinded by. For a second. I want a Mercedes. I want the nicest car, and the nicest cars have leather. I can't help that. That's just what they do, and I act like I have no say in it. And I caught
myself even being kind of a shitty person. Not a shitty person, but like, you know, just a capitalist.
Yeah, there might have been a kid out there who hated animals and was like I can't wait to do it.
Well now now the truth is out there. So if you're a little shithead, like if you're a non yon Or and you want to abuse some animals, you know where to apply. Can we go to the SeaWorld?
Can we spread that?
Can non Yonor?
Yeah, it's a great way. No one will know what you're talking about unless you're a bestie. And I feel I like it.
I think it's good because we reference people like that all the time on here. Yeah, and I think we can all be non yon Or sometimes, like sometimes I really have. Like the other day, Anya like showed us all this video to her new music video, which is
literally incredible. Anya was like a amazing figure skater when she was a child, and then she had a catastrophic injury that like kind of took her out of it, but she has all this old footage from her skating and then she has this new music video coming out with her footage of her skating now and she hasn't skated like literally twenty seven thirty something years, I mean insane amount of time. Maybe she's skated once in that time, and she's so smooth. It comes right back to her.
The music video is one of the best she's ever done, if not the best, I mean it's it's so good and the song is one of my favorite songs of hers and I'm so excited. I think it's coming out this summer. But she like showed it to all of my friends and she posted this. You might have seen her story besie'es, but she posted a story of us all watching it last week and on my birthday, and Halla is here and Kirsten and Kirsten's pregnant as fuck. Halla is just Halla just like is a person who
emotes generously. And so they're sobbing because the song is about life and death and nothing less forever, and there's all this footage of her as a kid, growing up through the years, and they're sobbing, and she's like, you know, filming Kirsten like like literally like red faced, puffy eyed, like you know, looks real tired, just getting called back. Halla sobbing, and then they get to me and I'm just like on my phone texting and I'm like, I'm sorry, I don't feel things in this way and I look
such like a non Ya Honor. But I was in that moment like I couldn't. I don't. I don't often cry when things are like make me happy or like that, or like touching I like and it especially I think there's a part of me that when everyone's crying, I'm just like, I'm not doing this, Like I don't wanna. Someone needs to be in control of this ship right now because we're going down and everyone's crying. I need to be the one who's over here figuring out our
dinner plans. And that's what I was in that moment. And I looked like a real non Ya. I looked like such a psychopath in this video. How about you? Do you feel like we've talked about crying on the show so much, When are you touched to the point of crying?
Ranking? Well, I want to rank cries, and I got to tell you happy crying is number two in the cry.
Rankings in terms of how it feels okay.
How it feels happy crying is number two. Sad crying is the bottom, obviously, Oh god, I think okay, no, okay, set uh no. When you're really when you're full of grief and you're crying, I think that's.
Not Wait, you're talking about rankings in terms of how good, how what, how good it feels to you, how good it feels. See for me, ranking crying would be like I have to watch someone do it, because I am not someone who cries enough to like actually have enough data to collect and rank these. But I like, I don't care when people cry from happiness. It is sweet to watch when a little girl finds out she's going to Disney World and she's so overwhelmed that she starts crying,
so fucking cute. But when you're an adult, get it together.
No, it feels good.
I'm just kidding. I wish I could feel that happy.
So happy crying is number two. I think brief crying is number three. When you're crying in pain, that's the worst. Oh no, but number one. You this weekend now, so I've I've cried quite a lot of less for weeks ahead. At an opportunity to rank the cries, oh pain from pain, Yeah, I was crying in pain. But then I got to experience the number one best cry. Uh really yea, the cry of relief is the.
Cry of morphine.
Yes, well, you know what it was. It was like when someone even just like when when the doctor came in and I knew I was going to get help.
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, just from like.
Someone's going to help me.
That's the best.
That's number one cry, number one.
Oh that's so good. That's so good. I'm so glad you felt that. I'm so sorry you felt so much pain that you cried. Like I was thinking about it yesterday. I was telling Chris about that you were in ten out of two and you were like for six hours. I mean, I just that's trauma. Man. I hope you're taking care of yourself this week because you've been through like a traumatic event.
Yeah, I guess so, oh my godless. Yeah, but I wanted to talk about the happy cry that yeah.
Please.
Recently, there's this video you may have seen it. It was a viral video because these cries all happened in the span of a week, so I got really all the full gamut. Oh, there's this video of an episode of Jenny Jones Show from the nineties.
I remember that show.
Yeah, yeah, and there's a they do. They're doing this segment where they have like a drill sergeant come in from the like a drill sucker from the military. Yeah, to scare straight little kids gay kids, you're trying to get them be straight. Yeah, yeah, you're gay. And it's totally unacceptable.
I mean, I can't that would not be so perposterous on a filled on a new show from the eighties, is like a sergeant yelling at a gay kid, like I could, I could act. We probably see that happening in the nineties, but there weren't gay kids in the nineties. No one was gay in the nineties, at least not in my school.
Yeah. They were either straight kids or they were really straight kids. Yes, and that's how you knew. So, uh, it's for kids who are like not were bad kids who are treating their moms well whatever, And so the parents bring the kids on. They have the drill startrant, go you're gonna go to a military school and you're gonna be with me. So they have this little kid and he's a bad kid or whatever, and the drill you know what, do you know what's coming?
I just like I think, yeah, I think, so keep going on.
So the drill sergeant goes, do you do you want to keep truting your mom like this? And he's just standing there being yelled at. He's like, you do you want to come to me? Do you want me to be your daddy for the next two months? He's like, I'm gonna well, it's like I'll be taken, I'll be in charge of him oka, and I'm yelling at you, do you want me to be your daddy for the next two months? And the kid goes, yes, sir, and then he goes, what what you want you want me
to be? Why do you want me to be your daddy? And then he goes because because I don't have a daddy, and then everyone starts crying, and then goes, you don't know, but daddy will come here, and then he hugs the kid and then he and then he takes him off stage because he knows that the kid's being taken advantage of in this moment, and he's like, we're not gonna he might start crying. Yeah, it's so it's been so sweet.
Well you said it to me. If you could stumble upon it again.
I don't need to stumble upon it, and I have it in my.
Find it Okay, Oh my god, it's so sweet. Yeah.
So there's this there's this guy on YouTube who posted that video ten years ago or whatever of this clip. It went viral. It has something like thirty million views or something like that. And then he came out a couple a few years ago and said, I want to make a documentary based on this kid and the chill
sergeant and find out what happened to them. Yeah, and so it was one of those videos where he posted about Then he posted a year later and was like, I'm still working on this, and then a year later everyone it's like, what the fuck, man, what are you doing?
Then he posted listen this YouTube channel did bring me a lot of joy, but I realize it's really taken over my life. I'm he did the same speech that you say that they always give.
I'm quitting YouTube.
Yes, that is a happy cry so sweet. Oh man, okay, that's sweet. I'm trying to think of I cried the other night. I was if you want to cry, if anyone's in the mood to cry, there's a Taylor Swift song that she's never played live and she never will play it live. But it's called It's called Ronan. She doesn't say the name in the song, but it's it's about a kid who died of cancer or something when he was four, and it's from the perspective of his mom, who I think was a fan of Taylor Ships. I
forget how their song was written Swifties. I don't even DM me about it. I can't handle it. But somehow she knew this family and this child passed, and she wrote the song about that from the mother's perspective about this kid, and it is the most heartbreaking song you've ever heard. And I played it for Chris the other day because we were playing each other songs that might make each other cry, and I started saw. I was sobbing and it felt so good. It felt good. I
would ring that as a number one even though. What gets me, and I've said this before, is when people that are living talk to dead people and act like they're still there. So they're like they're still talking to them as if they're there, or a letter or something that a dead person is left behind is read posthumously talking from the afterlife. It all started for me when Forrest Gump is talking to Jenny at the grave and saying, you'd be He's so smart, Jenny, you'd be so proud.
And I remember I got cracked open in fifth grade when that movie came out. That was like I couldn't function. And there was another, the other movie that I haven't seen since it happened, but I think in eighth grade I went to go see City of Angels, Meg Ryan Nicholas Cage and the end of the movie there's a twist and I didn't see it coming, and it has
started my whole passion of movies ending tragic. I like when movies don't go what you're think they're gonna go, and it's Romeo and Juliet's like they both and that kind of happens in this tragedy. And I remember I couldn't leave the theater because I was sobbing so hard, and my friends all kind of looked at each other, like what's going on? And I couldn't stop crying. Is the only time in my life I really couldn't stop crying,
and it never happened again. It was so embarrassing. I think I was just like, Nope, You're not doing this again. And I just put that it was too embarrassing. I couldn't I couldn't stop. And it was all about Nicholas. It was about Meg Ryan on a bicycle at the end, and she was free and she was finally gonna marry this angel that she was in love with through the whole movie. And then she gets hit by a car
and now she's an angel. And now he who just became immortal a mortal, is now gonna be without her. And now he is to have this relationship with an angel, even though we just got out of a relationship where he was an angel. And it was just too much for me. And I don't even know why my eighth grade brain like couldn't handle that, But that was that was that. It was so good. I love movies that don't give you what you want more. I want more of that. Okay, we'll be back after this. Brian, what
have you been watching recently? Anything good?
Well? Guess what's on? I guess what just started up again?
Uh?
It's got talent? Bad?
Oh a GT talk about crying and they're not.
Yes. So that's why America's got talent, I think is so good because when when the auditions go well, you get a combination of happy crying and relief crying.
Got it.
It's the relief from all the work you've been doing finally paid off and someone's acknowledging you, plus the happiness of succeeding. Yes, Oh it's so good.
You know what a relief cry. Remember when Noah told us that she her favor part of a hike, because I was like, why do you like hikes? Maybe she didn't say this on air, but I was like, like, I don't understand people who like hikes, and she was like, I like it because when you see your car at the end of it, and that sense of relief, sure,
when you're like, no, it's done. And I call bullshit on enjoying things where you only like the end, you don't get to say you like now, I'm calling bullshit on no I love Noah and everything she does is perfect, But like I claim to like pilates, but I only like when it's over, So I don't really like pilates. I like the feeling of dopamine I get from doing something hard and completing it. By the way, I did discover because I just read a little bit and I
should have done this a long time ago. I'm trying to figure out like why, I'm just trying to figure out myself, right, like any Graham all those things. I recently was like, I don't know the difference between dopamine and serotonin, Like I really don't, do you know the difference? Uh?
Not really? I just know that dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins, those are the happy chemics.
Well, I don't know we're oxytocin and doorphins fit into this, But I do know the difference between serotonin and dopamine. And serotonin is the feeling you get of like like of calmness, of sereneness, of joy, of just like a lasting, pleasant feeling after you know you're at a spa or you're relaxing, or you feel like you're hugging your dog and you feel this like love, fuzzy energy inside like
that feeling. Yes, and then dopamine is the feeling you get And I'm paraphrasing, and I'm probably please, if you know more than me, slide into my DMS and educate me more about this. But I believe dopamine is the feeling you get after you accomplish something where there's something has been. There's the relief the doctor walks in the room and it's like, oh, it's over, or like it's
a surge. It's like it's an energizing thing of like you find out that you just got something and that's like, you know, Serotonin is the feeling that you have in a committed, happy relationship where you feel safe and secure, and dopamine is what you feel when the rollercoaster is flying down the hill.
Yeah. People say that when you exercise you get your endorphins going, so I wonder if that's what endorphins.
It's just like yeah, because I realize that I'm not interested in serotonin. That is not what my body wants. I don't like it. I don't like feeling safe. It makes me feel uneasy, like this is gonna be easy. I don't want it. I don't want to feel I don't like spas, like the idea of going to a spot. Okay, this is insane when you go to get a massage. I don't know if you've gotten to get facials or massages at like a real nice spa, but I like, well, like even though well like a Korean bath spy.
I know you were making a joke rus No, No, I wasn't I do go to I have gone to.
Yeah, Well, a lot of times girls will get there early and like get their locker and they'll give you like slippers and a robe, and then they'll they'll give you some cucumber water, and then they'll just bring you to this waiting room where you sit with another woman who's just had a treatment, who's kind of just on her phone waiting, and you sit and you listen. There's like trickling and it's so serene, and I'm like, what are we doing? Like why just bring me back?
Now?
I want to go to my massage now I don't want to and then after your massage is supposed to wait in that room. I always get to these spas and I go, I don't need the robe, I don't need the slippers, like I just let me just take me to the room. I don't want to make it. And I think that's the difference between that's that's someone who like serotonin, is someone who really embraces the spa day. I wish I were more like that, and I can't
force it. It's never gonna be who I am. I feel incomfortable relaxing.
You know how you do that act out where you're acting. I forgot which friend who like moves really deliberately and slowly.
Yeah, pretty much all my friends.
Yeah, yeah, I love that act out. I've been doing it this I've been doing I've been referencing you several times this weekend, saying like Nikki always act out, and I feel like I experienced that because let me tell you something. I was in Texas this weekend, and Texas, almost everybody in Texas is doing that where they're just like so slow. There's no urgency to anything at all. They're just like and and I, and they're used to it, so no one's like freaking out. But I'm just sitting
there like, what the fuck is happening? Why is everybody so slow?
It's it's it is a superpower to move that slow. I truly believe that I know people that move that slowly cannot help it, but I watch it and marvel
it takes. It takes so much energy for me to move that slow, and sometimes I try to do it because I try to be like an a pilates girly when I go down to these classes that I take and I try to like set my locker and put my crocs into my locker gently, and then set my phone gently and then unscrew my water like slowly and deliberately, just to like fit in with the vibe of the class. And then also, my class is called legree. It's not
even pilates. It's like it's called lagree. I don't know what it is, but it's like it means every rep you take, every rep you I should be five seconds long. So when you go down to a squad, it's one, two, three, four, five. Then you're in your squad one two, then you rise up and I am not sun I couldn't take it either. Speed it up. I hope everyone's listening on two times to speek for that section, because that was disgusting and
that was not on brand for me. But I the other day I was in class and this girl afterwards was like big fan. It was really sweet. She was like, uh, I love seeing you here. I think she worked there, and she goes, you gotta go slower, and I go, girl, never gonna happen for me. I'm not doing it this way because if I go slower, I'll give up because I'm bored and it and it's harder. It is harder to go slower. And I know myself and when something's hard, I quit.
Yeah, I don't go.
You can get through it, Nikki, Like something has to be about five percent harder than I'm willing to give and then I'll stick with it. But if it's six percent, I'll go. This sucks. You're bad at this, give up. So I just I have to go fast. I'm sorry, I'm not I can't agree. I'm just I disagree, don't.
I don't agree with you.
I don't agree with you. But yeah, that deliberately, that slow moving person is someone who can really sink into serotonin. Like I watch Anya pack a suitcase and I just I can't. I I can't. I want to go up to the little toggle at the top of her screen and do two times of speed and just seeing what would happen. Because but I'm jealous of someone who can be that, like perfect with things and gentle, and I think that's that's like, that's the kind of person I
wish I was. And then sometimes you just have to be like, well, I'm not and I never will be. Is there what if there's one thing about yourself that you could change, what would it be?
My my obsession, my obsessive compulsive nature.
So that, oh, like you're legit OCD.
I mean, I don't know if it's OCD legitimately, but I definitely obsessed over things and then it creates huge problems in my life.
Yeah, that's OCD. I mean that if if you're if you're obsessed, are interfering with your day to day life in any way or your happiness, I think that's OCD. And that's okay. I think all of us have some kind of form of it, but there are things around that, as you know.
I mean, it's also my superpower. That's why I'm a good writer, because I perfect ever I see. I try to perfect everything. I see the flaws and everything, and I'm not afraid to point them out. Yeah, so I'm a number one Enneagram.
That's a good point. Yeah, because if I were slower, I just would not I've been over this so million times. I just wouldn't get as much done in my life. But I think I wouldn't stain as many things. I wouldn't break as many things. I wouldn't be like mad at myself for dropping stuff and getting things dented. And ruined and I wouldn't And now I'm just kind of like, that's me. Well this is me, which is the type that's so weet where it's the title of this cartoon
book that I'm obsessed with. This guy, Asher Pearlman, has a new book coming out. You can get on pre order, but I got an advanced copy. It's one of the funny cartoonist It's like, you know, Farside plus New Yorker, like the best New Yorker cartoons. I think he's a New Yorker cartoonist. Yes he is. Uh, he's a Peabody Award winning cartoonist. Asher Pearlman, Emmy Ward nominated Emmy Follow him on Instagram. I don't know, but follow him on Instagram.
He's so fucking funny these This book is called Well This Is Me, and I love it so much. Final thought? Did you like Farside growing up? And like cartoon like I did?
But I have one. I have something I need to I want to I need to bring.
Up Okay, yeah, please have you watched Hacks?
No?
I only watched the first season, and it's not that I didn't like it. I just you know, fell off.
I get it. I get it. Hack Season three just came out and I've beene watched it. It's over. Now, it's over. Now, it's over.
I'm gonna cry with relief, but that is over now. Okay.
It's a great show, but it's like it's it's hitting so close to home because it's about a comedian and a writer and their relationship. And she like just released in this Okay, in this season of Hacks. Yeah, Jeane Smart who's playing uh tired comedian, A very tired.
Comedian, comedian, a puffy tired So this is the premise of the Okay.
I don't want to spoil anythings. So anyone who hasn't seen all three seasons of Hacks spoiler alert, just.
Me, Brian Me. Okay, but I watch it, but I don't care. You can spoil it for me, Okay, so stop listening if you haven't seen it and you're gonna watch it. But I am also in that camp, and I think that it's okay to spoil things and still watch.
Them because the show is about the character development, not necessarily the things that happen. But yeah, end of season two, Deborah Vance releases a special and that you know there was the writer in the comedian we're working on the special together, and then they released a special and it's a huge hit, smash hit, and Deborah's career is like blowing up because of this special. And then in season three she goes on a roast and and she does the roast and and it's just all the things that
happened in the show. I feel like, I don't even know what to say about this, Like I feel like, oh, it's like it's like to too close, too close, Oh my god, but it is like your life right now. And and the themes of season three are Debora Vance dealing with the fact that now she's blowing up bigger
than ever before. And she goes she's getting all these opportunities, she's getting respect from these comedians that she didn't get respect from before, to do all these things that she didn't get has to do before, and it's just like, this is exactly what Nicky is going through.
WHOA, I have to watch this, Yeah, I totally do.
It's it's I mean, it's it's also a very good show. Yeah, yes, but watching it, I'm just like Jesus Christ. But one thing that's really interesting is that this show was written last last year. Probably it was written before the Roast of Tom Brady came out, and so this season's released on Max and they're doing a roast. And let me tell you, the roast on Hack season three looks like a barnyard dance compared to the grandeur of the Roast of Tom Brady. Yeah, it's like outdated. It's like you
had a small theater there and like that. There's there's the laughs. Aren't that big. It's just the tables. There's no like big thing and it's not a big deal. Yeah, it's like Friars Club and it's like, oh god, what's this from the forties?
Well that's what it did. Like Comedy Central roast looked like nothing compared to what they like, this was. Yeah, it's uh okay, I gotta watch that.
You gotta watch it. You'll be like, this is me. Why they did they just like follow me?
Well, I will say that I saw Hannah Einbinder, who I know, was on a flight that I was onto New York right after the roast and I was in first class, Uh horizontal sleeping. It was awesome. I slept all through the service, like didn't get the food and whatever. And so when I woke up, I was just like so dehydrated and was like I needed diet coke, and so I like collected my stuff and like throwing my shoes, and my pant leg is like all up because I've been sleeping and so it's like one pant leg is up.
I probably am like a affiliated with a gang walking to the front of the cabin and I go up to the flight attendant and I'm like, can I get a die coke? And my like hair is all fucked up, and I have my sleep mask on my head, like sunglasses like pulled up, and my it's like half up.
I mean, I look disgusting, and and he's like and this was a funny moment because I thought he like clocked me and recognized me, because he's kind of like, I got you, all right, and he kind of points, he's like lingering, and he's pouring the diet coke and he's kind of looking at me like and at this point, this is right after the roast, and so I'm getting
recognized all the time. At this point in my life, it's not happening anymore, which is fine and great, but at the time it was just like I was kind of beating people to the punch because they would try to find ways to get into it that I would and I'd be like, yes it, that is me or whatever. And so I'm about to be like he goes, listen, we're not supposed to do this, but cannot and I thought he's gonna ask for selfie or something, and I go, of course, and he goes, do you want the can?
Do you want the whole can? And I'm like wow, And so I took the can back, not having been recognized at all, and felt stupid. But then I see Hannah einbinder walk to the front to get something, and she is much more engaged in conversation with the guy. She looks perfect. Her hair is just like that perfect bob that's shiny. She's wearing like a cozy sweater, like a turtle neck sweater, and she's got the sleeves like pulled,
like they're like kind of on her. Like she's looked like the cozy girl that's maybe like walking out on a dock early in the morning to like look at
sunrise with her hot cocoa. And she just looks so perfect and beautiful and glowy, even though We're on this dehydrating flight and she walks up to the front and I see her like kind of like laughing and definitely getting recognized by the guy that just didn't recognize me but did give me a full can, and they're talking and having this fun little chat and I'm like, I wish I was more like that, and then she just like heads back with her teeth like I'm just like
chugging a diet coke like a wolverine who's been starving on an island forever and just found a can in the in the you know, alley way, and I'm just like, I look disgusting, and she just has this cozy tea And I really was like, man, that's that's the kind of person I want to be. She's so refined and like she seems like a slower, more dignified person. And then I was like, I just am who I am. That's why I do roast. And she is on TV shows or something or she's.
She's more measured ravaging messes who are also on TV shows, but they're.
Not like yeah, like I just see it. Like I saw a clip of her on Colbert too, and she was like doing this like character, and it was so amazing, and like just sometimes I can be amazing, but it just feels like I'm messy most of the time. And when I when I seem to have it all together and seem like I'm perfect, it's it's it's something I've
worked really hard on. And I think just some people being refined and dignified comes naturally to them, because there was no reason that she should look this beautiful on a plane, and I just I really did see the juxtaposition of us. And then I told my friends that I saw her and they were like, oh my god, I love her so much. And I was a little bit like, I'm in your girls chat. Can you like, don't you? I mean, it's it's so funny when my friends freak out about people that my one friend has.
There's this comedian that is going to her gym now and she's like, I saw her today and I'm just like easy, easy now. She was like, I would feel the same way about you if I didn't know you.
That's a gift. What do you mean you were you just went easy with the sunglass going up and down. That should be that should be clipped as a gift.
Check it out on our YouTube. I wore sunglasses today because my face was too puffy and that's freeing to me. And I'm also wearing John Malane's shirt that I got from doing his show. It's the coolest shirt. It's John m'lleeney Presents. Everybody's in LA. It's so cool. I'm proud to support it. That was the best part of doing that show. Like the show was scary, but then I got all this like because I was it's live and you just don't know what's going to happen. But I
did get they got. I got a cool tote bag, I got a shirt, and I got a little Brea Tarpritz shirt too because the Brea Tarpets was there, and I got free passes.
Love the tars.
If you ever want to go, have you been? Oh yeah, I went as a kid. I don't remember it.
And my mom got a magnet from the brit Tarpits and was on my refrigerator from my entire life. And every time my mom would walk past the refrigerator, she'd go Tall Pits and so, my god.
So cute. All right, Well that's it for our show today. Tall Pits. Have you seen tar by the way with the her name. No, it's really good. I recommend it. All right, we have more show for you next week. We'll be here. I hope you will be too. Thank you besties for listening. I'll be in Indianapolis and Cleveland, not in that order, this weekend. Next weekend I think Massachusetts again. So many dates come up. Also, my song
Someday You'll Die is available on Spotify. You should stream it, add it to your playlist, post it on your Instagram stories. If you film something with it, I will probably repost it. I want to get that out there. I still want to promote that song. I'm writing a new song this week. We'll see how it goes. More music on the way, but more comedy on the way. All new material on the road right now. Nico Lazer dot com for all the dates. Thank you guys so much for listening to
the podcast. You know you're my favorite. I love you, Dolby Ka and I'll see you next week. Bye.