#434 Carlisle Forrester Is Back, Baby Shoe & Hotel Horror Stories!

The Nicky Glaiser Podcast.

Glaser.

Hello here I am.

It's Nicky Glazer podcast.

Welcome.

I'm Nicki Glazer. I am in Los Angeles, California, and studio at the iHeart Studio podcast studio.

You look like you were about to say something.

Brian No, no, I never say anything.

Brian Frandi is here and he's going to remain quiet.

Yeah. Also returning to the show, who is You've been at the same exact studio, last time, friend of the show, friend of literally every podcast I've ever done, and friend in life. Carlile Forster. Everyone, Carla, happy to be here, so happy to have you here. How are you today?

I'm good.

I usually see you on girls Chat and we're both having like existential crisis crises on there.

I know, I just reading through you and I really bring it on there.

We are. We're the ones where it will be like evidence in a trial will be our girls chat.

Nicki and are the only ones that typically will delete.

Messages sometimes youre we go like that was just too much.

I was going to something. But that's a good thing about our girls chat. We would have work in entertainment. We need a recording of the breakdown no, that's not.

My problem is that like it'll come back to haunt me. It's like, my problem is is that no one needs to hear this ship And it's like getting old. It's like this is just the same. It's the same thing

The babies inside of their wounds are rolling their eyes and rolling. That's so funny because every regnant girls on this chat and we're just the wait four yeah, three three three sorry why depression?

Ye what and going down? You're gonna have less and less pregnant girls in that chat.

Yeah, that's true, and in a good way, in a good way, like they're giving birth.

Noah is like in labor.

Right now, she's almost not pregnant.

Yeah, it's Noah's birthday today, and it would be awesome if it was actually her birthday.

Wow, it'd be cool.

And we're recording birthday Noah.

What's the day the twenty second? So Noa's birthday's twenty second. Wish her a belated happy birthday. She's due on the twenty ninth, so it coould be anytime right now. So yeah, I feel bad, like on girls chat, like why I just.

Love first birthdays on a first?

Me too.

You're a first, My brother's a first. My dog, I always say, is a first, even though we don't know.

Yeah, you don't know, never know. Yeah, but yeah, what's yours?

First?

March?

March? For some reason, first, I was just saying my birthday is like the best.

Because of that first first is the best.

Yeah, it feels really good. What do you call it? I'm November twenty first.

Okay, okay, says twenty one one.

I kind of like that number.

Oh yeah, one one two.

I know someone you know, someone to Convy gave birth to his son last year on February twenty Wait wait, oh no, two years ago February twenty second, twenty twenty two. That kids set for life angel numbers.

That's so that's angel numbers anytime there's like all numbers in a row. Like if you look at the clock and it's like three thirty three forty four, that's for times with you, but then nine, well, yeah, you don't want six six.

Six, Oh yeah, that would be seven o six.

Do you make a wish at at eleven? What does that mean?

Like, well if six six six, if the clock were six six o'clock in sixty six minutes, it was.

Oh yeah, yea yeah, yeah yeah.

Do you ever make a wish? I do?

I do?

Yeah, yeah, it's eleven eleven. Make a wish, that's parents.

I'll do it.

Yeah, I do too. But and I really I love it because it's like you could be in the last three seconds of eleven eleven and if it clicks over, no it doesn't. Like for me, I do a device where it's like if it moves over, then the wish does not only does it not come true, we definitely won't come true. So I have to like make my wish fast. I don't have time to like, like I just saw a video of Kate Hudson making a birthday wish. They were like posted online. She looks adorable, she looks ageless.

You get its second per year of life. That's the rule. You said she was forty five, so I didn't know that. That's so twenty year old's one. They go. Yeah, and someone was slowing out spanking her at the same time forty five times. Yeah.

So yeah, my mental health was bad this morning and was just like I just piled on pretty hard and then I slept obviously, and then it feels better.

Yeah.

That's sometimes what.

Its David method, which is take a shot.

That really does help. The world is a dark place whenever you're underslept.

Oh yeah, no, it's off.

You're underslept like crazy cause you work all the time.

I work early as a waitress from a day job, and then I'm also a comic, so I'm up late and people are like, how do you do it? I'm like, I don't sleep.

I don't do it, underslept and slept on.

Yeah, I have bags under my eyes. No, you really don't.

You have like that perfect little like like it's not a bag. It's like a fold, but it's like a thing. I don't know, but the bag gat under your eyes, it's a bag.

It was really good.

Oh. Thanks, What did you guys do this weekend? You were in Indianapolis?

I went back to Indianapolis, returned to uh, Benedict Polizzi's homeland. How did we say his last name? I said Politzi, Benedict Polizzi's homeland. It wrong, He's saying it right.

Later when he said it's Polizi, I just go, okay.

Yeah, if he went back to Italy, they'd smack him around for something shut and.

He would come from that very turned on by that. He loves, he loves he's raised by I think a strict mom. Not a strict mom, but he likes punished.

Aunt Lydia type.

Yes, yeah, I don't know who that is, but continue.

So I asked about Benedict's when I was there. I said, so, what do you guys think of Benedict? And across the board. He's the best, sweetest guy, nicest guy. You expect him to be a piece of shit because he's so hot, and then he proves.

Again naturally hot. Yeah he's achieved this, you know. So he's a good person ultimately, but he's and he does not come across as someone who thinks he's hot at all. But yeah, if you saw just his profile pictures, I'm sure he has a good bumble or whatever that's charming, but like, yeah, he does.

He has every right to be me being med.

I love when people are just nice. I just got because I love it in myself that when I hear stories about myself from the past and I was nice to people, Like a girl just wrote to me and was like, Hey, I just want to reach out to you. I am am a comic in New York City and I bark for shows, which, if you don't know, it's like when people stand on the corner and hand out tickets to go show comedy show you like comedy, you

Will Chappelle, Chris Rock, Dan Cook. These are comedians that I know, and they will not be at the show tonight, yep.

And so she said that I was with a bunch of other guys who also barked for years in New York and we were talking about and this is all just like, Hi, Nikki, I just wanted to write you and let you know that I used to bark in New York for for tickets for shows. And I was recently at hanging out with some other guys who did the same thing, and we were talking about comedians who

I should look it up because I want.

To get it right. But she act, which, by the way, I've heard stories about like comedians going into shows that they're on like your face is on the poster, oh yeah, And then the person's like, excuse me, now, do you have a ticket for the show?

Oh god?

And they go they fucking and they freak out, freak out, but I don't expect anyone to know who I am either, literally, so yeah, I'm on.

The show and they go, okay, sorry, like.

It's one time. I was like really traumatized trying to get into the improv because the door guy was literally was like who the fuck are you? And I was like, I'm on the show at the lab and he's like, you can't just walk in here, and I was like

I got into an almost altercation similar to that this weekend on the road we were flying out of the Buffalo Airport. Shout out to Niagara Falls in Buffalo area for coming to the show at Seneca Casino on Saturday night was fucking dope. So was Wakegan an amazing show and then last night at the Paramount in Huntington, New York.

You should have me arrested.

Yeah, you should literally go back back in the bowels of this airport and anally probe me to if you think that I was just doing a little dance to get He goes, that tricks the system, and I go, do you think I know that?

Yeah?

And I got such an attitude with him and I go, yeah, I was just He goes, you're trying to trick the system. I go, no, I'm not. I was trying to be friendly to the guy I butted in front of me, and he was like, well that that, uh messes with the machine and you can uh, you're trying to bypass. You're trying to bypass the security. And I go, no, I wasn't. I literally got that bit. I go no, I wasn't. Yeah, and he goes, well, you can't do it that way, and he goes go back through and

What needs to do.

That's all I got to do.

Is stop doing the monkey bar.

Well no, that's why they run through the tires in that obstacle. Course that's the same motion I did.

Was my god.

And but just but if he.

Does think I'm trying to do that, then you should pull me aside.

So you really didn't think I was doing it, because so you're just a liar. This guy was such an asset.

It was like that Luis c kjoke. I think it's Luis c k Who's who said they he had like a bottle of something. Oh yeah, he likes to do clay. He's talking about how he likes to do clay. And then he tried to bring the clay out play looks like bombs, and then they were like, you can't bring this on the plane, and then he was like okay, and then they threw out the clay and then they let him on the plane. And he's like, look, it's

Yes, that's so, because do you don't think I have a backup? Yeah, if that was my bomb.

Or at least I'm a guy who's trying to bring a ball.

You just threw a bomb in a trash can. Don't you think I could possibly detonate inside there? That is so funny and so nuts.

Yeah.

So anyway, this girl wrote to me I found it. She said, Hey, I was talking to a comedian barking for stage time in the village and he was telling me about comedians who were mean when they barked at them by mistake. And then there's two line breaks. Oh shit, Oh no, I was just so and there's no it's hey exclamation marks, So that does connote I'm nice?

Uh huh?

It reminded me years ago. I was barking on McDougall and I barked you by mistake. You were literally the banner of my Netflix at the time. I was so embarrassed, but you said something along the lines of, don't worry about it, you're doing great, and it meant so much to me. Really kept me going through that stage of comedy when it feels like people don't even see you. So thank you very much. Hope you are well.

Dude.

I know I share these things sometimes, but sometimes I question if I'm a good person, and then something like that comes back and you're like, Okay, good, I was nice, even though I know that I would be time someone would bark me, I would and they go, oh sorry, they'd recognize me. I go, why would you ever? Of course, you're just mindlessly out. You're saying it to everyone. It's

It's not going to be.

It's just gonna be in depth discussion of Torch Poets Apartment. If you're looking for any criticism of it, you're not gonna find it. No, not even a single word, because I have nothing bad to say, because why would I what.

You don't want to be another sound bite in a Taylor's well that also.

But I asked also like there's no reason for negativity. If you think there are too many songs on this album, why are you complaining there's two? Just don't listen to the song?

Is it a double album?

Yeah? Oh how many songs?

And I say that with so much love, saying bitch like she's my friend. She thirty one songs, Bask and Robin this shit, she really sixteen first at midnight and then at two am, two am, because she kept doing two's. She kept doing peace signs throughout the tour at the fucking Grammys, always giving these peace signs and everyone was like, what is this peace sign And everyone kept saying, no, it's just gonna release the reputation with torch poets, and

I'm so sad.

I don't even want her to be associated with this feeling I'm feeling.

It's like someone gave you a big giant cake and said you have to finish the whole cake, and so you're gonna like each piece of the cake, but it's gonna take you some time.

Totally. It's it's so I don't have anything that I love that much. I know how so many.

I was listening to Chris's radio show today and they were talking about how like they've never been excited about the release of something ever in this way I have. What is it?

It was when The Avalanches came out with their second album after their first album, which was in It was two thousand and one, was their first album, and it took them sixteen years. Who take come out with their second album? Oh my god, the second album was It didn't it didn't match the first album, but it didn't disappoint. And that's really after sixteen years.

That's incredible. I've never even heard of them.

I've never heard any the Avalanche.

What about Husky Night Husky Rescue. Yeah, Husky Rescue is I mean that was stuck in Carlisle's car. She had a car that the CD would not come out, so you only could listen to this album by the Rescue.

It's a great album.

It was really good. It was soothing, and Sarah McLaughlin was also in that.

You had like a term changed situations, so you had a choice four albums, four Husky albums. Sarah McLaughlin was one. But yeah, like if they came out with the new music, I'd be very excited.

Yeah.

The only person that to me is like my Taylor Swift is but not but Mariah Carey. But they're like whole Mariah Carey songs I've never even heard right, right, So I'm not near as much as if.

Well it is it. There were there Taylor Swiss songs. I've never heard that really, like, you know, not never, I've heard everything, but like that, I don't like if she were to play it as a secret song, I kind of go, I don't know, I can't sing one, and it's like embarrassing. But yeah, did that happen on the tour, Yeah, a lot, a lot. Yeah, And now I know those songs because I would hear them kind of for the first time, not really the first time, but like actually hear them for the first time, and

That and the Beatles have a lot of songs, And I thought I knew every Beatles song, and then I have this piano book that's called The Beatles Complete, which has.

Every song you have the Beatles car my parents do, yeah.

And I you know, I just sometimes flip through it. I'm like, I'll play these and then there's like dozens and dozens of songs that I'm like, I've never heard of this ever. Yes, yeah, most of them are from their early days. Like it's not gonna be like there's a song from the White album or something that's but like, man, I think maybe like a hundred songs in there. Then I'm like, I've never even heard the song. I don't know, can find it.

There's so many songs.

Yeah, it's I wrote one song, and I feel so accomplished and I can't even imagine. And she definitely she wrote thirty one songs for this album, but she definitely wrote more than that. I mean, like it takes a lot to get I think people think that she just put every song she wrote. I guarantee you she wrote thirty one other songs. There's something that she's still writing that are going to appear on an album one day. Yeah,

Make a joke every day, not really, not really, I mean it's a conversation. Yeah, you don't even realize. Yeah, that's strange.

I just did a Luis cy K but that if I would have just followed it through, I could have gotten to the same place here. Isn't that so interesting? Like when you not that I would if I did that at joke, someone would go, hey, Nikki, someone has that joke. But that there are opportunities for jokes literally everywhere, and I just dropped that.

That one pisses me off. Yeah, it's like, man, why couldn't I think of that one? Yeah, it's not genius like he is.

Well you are, though, like you just haven't tapped into the same thing that he's tapped into something like he's just he's found I don't know what that is.

The flow, Like if you tried masturbating in front.

Of people, I did, and it made me less fun.

I saw the clip the other day of him saying, like, you know, addressing that it was on my Instagram, and he's like, if you want to massabrate in front of someone, ask them and then if they say yes, ask them again, and then just don't do it. Yeah, and don't don't trust that they really And he's right, like, just don't because you don't know why they're saying yes. It could be because they just feel uncomfortable or whatever. Yeah, and but then he does also says that he has He's like, uh,

Yeah, what the fuck? I wrote a song?

Yeah?

Yeah, it's whenever I see like a baby shoe on likelying like it's a missing Oh yeah, it's such a sad sight. I have a song I always sing when I see the shoe?

What is it?

I'm kind of embarrassed to sing it, but I know because I think people will start singing the song. It's baby shoe, Yon, baby shoe lying on the street. How did you yon, baby shoe fall off the baby feet?

That's beautiful. It's like a really that looks sounds like an old nursery rhyme during the plague.

That's right, that's how I invented that wrote that baby yon.

Baby shoes yonby shoes.

Your I don't know. Wait, I think it's an old timey word.

Yah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's that's so funny. Did it just come out one day?

Yeah, I just saw it and I was walking down the street because I do talk to myself a lot when I'm walking around. I mean, i'd have that thing where I try to be in someone else's conversation later or if I'm walking down the streets of New York City, I try to say something to myself that someone will turn and then later on they'll be like I heard some guy in the street yelling at someone on the phone about there's too much orn in his soup or whatever.

Yeah, that's great. Yeah, I just heard that humming to yourself is a really good thing to do. Really, that you can't think and hum at this you can't ruminate and hum at the same time, which I don't think is true. Man. But you're supposed to hum to yourself when you're really because it actually stimulates your vagus nerve and it actually feels the way your mom's voice felt when you were in utero, and it's very comforting, so you feel like it's kind of like this buzzy vibration.

It's like within you, and then it stops you from hyper focusing on things. Yes, I need that so bad.

Just hum yourself. I do that anyway throughout my day. It's probably a soothing technique that you've learned.

How does it too? She's humming all the time.

Really, sometimes I do it like around other people if there's like a quiet moment that they know that, like, I'm not in a bad mood. Is that weird?

No, that's so codependent.

But yes, it's not even like an awkward silence that I'm trying to feel. I just don't want them to think that I'm like, yeah, mad, No, it actually happens at work, work around some boy which enneagram are you two uh nine?

Note Ninemaker, Well, yeah, I mean I had a makeup artist that would do that. Like I could just tell she didn't like awkward silences.

She would just go.

Every time every time she's doing any of my makeup, and it's like too silent because she just needs to. I think she the type of person she is, I think is this similar where it's like she has to make sure people know she's not mad at them or like not in a bad mood. It's kind of like that guy on Love on the Spectrum, Remember when he's like, yeah, I'm very excited and he's like, oh talks like this and he alway says hot fives and he's like, yeah, and I bring joy to the world and that's what

Yes, that's interesting and it bleeds into my personality in a way that like just because I've worked in hospitality for so long and just like your whole day is just like smiling and yeah, and like you know it just you just become a people pleaser, like you just kind of have to be. God, my face hurts at

Maybe it's helping you though a little bit to smile. It's maybe in subconsciously it's telling your brain that.

You're happy even though you're not smile, and then your brain will think that you are.

Something like that.

I'm trying to smile way more.

I am too.

Yeah.

Well, I'm trying to actually get those crows feet activated because I've noticed in all my pictures because of botox, I have like dead eyes when my rest of my face will be excited, and it's like I like having a little bit of like a crinkle here crow. Yeah, it's it's it shows that you're like that you have like warmth in you, like I think I think there's a warmth in a crinkle in an eye. And that is a Taylor Swift lyric. There's a crink, there's a

So am I.

We will talk more about all of this and less about Taylor Swift because I'm gonna do. It's the episode fully dedicated to it later this week after this. All right, So what happened in Indianapolis?

Right? So my Indie calamity, So Indianapolis. I love the Colts, Okay, but when it comes to Indiana, I think I'm more of a Bloomington, Indiana guy than an Indianapolis guy. Indianapolis is not the best city in Indiana, I don't think.

Yeah, but what's the Bloomington.

Is Bloomington, I mean, if you want to call it a city, it's the college town. Yeah, and it's in the most beautiful county in Indiana, I believe.

Have you been to all of Indiana though, like these statements of like it's the best, you know.

I've been to a lot of Indiana. We went to Gary.

We did go to Gary.

I've been to the Indiana Dunes. I've been to Indianapolis. I've been to Monroe County.

Do you think of another city in in the Indiana besides Gary and Indianapolis?

Tara hate that.

I do know that one.

That's where death Row National death Row is whoa Yeah, So if they you know, if you want to go visit that, you can.

Evansville.

You can get a Viata Evansville.

That's good. Last food capital Evansville.

They have a college too.

It's where they test every.

Produces to college.

Okay, well, what what's what's there?

I forgot where it is? West Lafayette.

Okay, Okay, so Indiana a fan, I'm.

A fan, not a fan. Any Their food is not usually good. There's some good places, but we went to this place that was recommended to us by the audience. Not a good sign. Like I feel like you can't trust an audience recommending you any dinner options. Really why well, because it just doesn't usually work out. We went to this place and it was just like packed and it was like a bar after sports place. But anyway, I ate it. And my real calamity was my hotel was

Crazy, did you call the front desk?

No?

Because I was like, well, this is no.

This is a behavior that you repeated over and over and that one night you couldn't sleep because there was techno music the hotel that we were staying at, and you didn't sleep the whole night, and I go, why didn't you call the front desk? And you were like, I just thought it would stop eventually.

That's what I thought. I'd stopped shipping.

Okay, you this is you need to hum, and you need to you need to hum.

Really thinking was I'm going, I'm not going to be here for that long. I can have a non functioning toilet for three days.

I mean, I've been there.

I'm projecting. I get what you're doing here.

And then we went to this place, the Slippery Noodle, and I got food poisoning.

Oh god, that sounds disgusting, the Slippery Noodle exactly.

Yeah. I got food poisoning, and so I had to eat. It was a it was like French onion soup, a baked potato. I don't know.

I think it was the soup really wow.

Yeah, okay, And so I had to puke and I had to puke in the tub because my toilet was filled with ship.

Oh my god, Brian, I am so disturbed by this.

It was this kneeling down on a pillow puking in the tub all night next to a pile of my own ship.

Oh you pregnant? This sounds like the problems on the Girls Chat. Everyone everyone like this is ridiculous, I know. And so the chunks of puked.

And then I turned on the shower to wash away the puke, and the steam from the shower made the fire alarm go off so much pain. I'm writhing in pain. I'm trying to get the fire alarm to turn off, puking in the tub. And what's ironic about it, alanis, is that there was a fire convention, a fire department convention in Indy that weekend in the hotel. This hotel was filmed the hotel. Can we name check it? No?

Sounds like it?

No, I love it.

But those are like three hundred Yeah, this is your moment, that's what. But this that you did not say, hey, can I get a plunger or something like? That's at the very least like when I when I poop up a toilet, I don't let them do it. I just say bring me a plunger. You know, you know what I mean?

Over time, because over because it was like almost fine, because over time, if you just let it sit there overnight, it.

Would finally like start to think.

And then yes, so it's like, you know what, it's not like it's overflowing.

Yeah, I lo something I've changed about my life. And I like, I was just saying on the Girl's Chet today that I don't think I've changed in the past five years at all. Like I look at pictures, like in terms of looks, I've changed, but like I eat the same things, I wear, the same things, I sit the same way, I talk the same way.

It's called having a style and a personality.

I don't think it is like it's it's all the stuff I'm ashamed of though, Like I'm I was looking at a picture of my green room from three years ago, and it's the same, Like dinner I'm eating, it's just the same bullshit. Like it's just look, I look immature, Like I'm just stunted.

I don't have to be a creature of habit. It's comforting and I get.

That, and I very much am, but I want to just evolve, and I just think my personality has not changed at all. I don't think I've become more tolerant, more nice, more like less depressed. Like I'm just like kind of in the same rut of that stuff. But that's that's beside this point. Something that I do think I've changed recently is that I don't totally trash my hotel room, like it's not I if I, you know, I buy a bunch of new makeup and I take it all of that out of its wrappers, and I'm

There's always those death pictures like Britney Murphy's death.

Or like oh, yeah, Whitney her bathroom. Everyone was like, it's a mess, and I was like, I look so organized to me. Why are there so many products just scattered about?

Just that is the because they're nominator, there's so many products, and because they don't have minimalist style, and.

Because they're crazy, because this business makes people crazy. Yes, and you become an order and you get tons of products sent to you all the time, new, and you feel bad saying no because this is a five hundred dollars value just two years ago. I would have done anything for that. I kind of afford that, and so now I'm getting it for free, so I'll say yes to it, and then you get it, and then you're like,

Yes, I have.

I haven't had a chance to use it. I'm on the road, And then you just keep ignoring their dms because you feel bad you haven't used it, and even if you do, you don't really like it, and you don't even know how to talk about it because you don't even think your skin's that good to even promote it, because people are gonna be like, why would I even want Niki lazer skin, so you feel like ashamed that you even are someone who should promote something skincare wise.

I'd flushing with your shoe.

That's a little much for like the little tiny silver handle on the side, and sometimes it's like a dot on the top, you know, button all the time.

I hate the button on the stick my finger.

Every new toilet. That's such a good point.

I know it's disgusting. It's too hard to push and you wind.

Up and they're split sometimes because one is like from and you're lying, I have nails, you know, gross it is with nails in your nail scrapes. I get a manic and they get the dirt out from under my nails. It's one of the most embarrassing moments in my life. And I always forget to, like, do it pre before going in. It's like getting the toilet paper out of your vagina before you go to the gecologist. And I always for I do that. I always think about.

That, it's clean your hotel room before you die.

Yes, so I started flushing right away, but I'll go to the toilet. I'm like, oh my god, it's like doesn't have piss and paper, and it makes me feel better about myself.

Yeah.

I clean up like wrappers and stuff. But in hotel rooms, I used to just trash them because it was like who cares seeing you gotta do not in a way that's like dirty where the maid is like you oh in for instance, it's other niche stuff that you leave. It's other day. I was in New Orleans and I was leaving my hotel room. I gotta show you this

She wasn't thinking that one hundred percent.

What it was right where I was like would be laying and it had like a.

Tint to it.

You spilled water on the bed.

That had a tint to it because it was on the spraytnd that I'd already okay, deposit one hundred percent she would have thought it was I.

Bet you she wouldn't have even clocked it, like they just stripped the bed and throw it in there. But now there's a note making them acknowledge that there is a stain on this.

And I can't believe I didn't even put it in English too, like that is I'm such a piece of shit, But I really do see. I do think I knew she really was, Like I would not have done that had I not known. But I think I was also thinking about my joke killing myself in a hotel room and writing and writing in Spanish, like a note on the door that says someone's dead in here, like and I would I would write because I wouldn't want them

Just but do not disturb thing.

Yeah, that's a good that's a good point.

Yeah.

And I didn't do a background like the exclamation point upside down, which I always think that's such a fun thing about the Spanish language.

And I didn't even do.

It on their m wasted opportunity.

Bad call.

You should have done it in a different they should have done in like Russian or something, and the confused.

I don't even know that I knew this woman spoke Spanish. I just figured she did.

Have you ever seen the documentary on Netflix called Working that Obama did And they follow workers like in a hotel, and it starts with like the maid and then it goes to like the chefs, the majer deed, and it goes all the way to the top and the hotel owner.

I look at eye contact every time because there's a part of me that doesn't want to look at them, because I'm embarrassed of what they have to clean up of mine of other people's, and I'm like, I feel sorry for them, and that's like such a like who am I to be? Like your life is so sad?

Picture, which is so nice because nobody ever does that.

Everyone needs to tip this morning, I couldn't because I didn't have any cash, and I want to call the hotel and just be like, is there a venmo for.

The That would be nice. Nobody has money anymore. They need to start.

Having like a yeah, everyone needs a venmo. But the thing is if you don't, if you don't have you know, change or whatever, just go down the front desk and tell them to you know, get change at the front desk before you check out and then they'll put an envelope and write it on.

But there should be in your room. Absolutely, lets you tip, you know what.

I don't need my hotel room anymore.

You guys telling me that I can hang up my towel and reuse my toe to save the environment. And there's like a little picture of a seal with it, like we're doing our best. No, you don't want to hire enough people and you want to save money on cleaning on water and yeah.

You're pawning it off and being environmentally conscious.

It's such bull And there's literally a picture of a seal, like this guy is going to live. We're not going to club him to death because we're so angry that we have to pick up your towels. But I do reuse towels like crazy.

Yeah. They could say that about anything too. They could be like, we only put one pillow in your room because we want to save the.

Geese, and thank you for thank you for joining us in this fight. They always make you like, oh that you volunteered somehow. Yes, yeah, it's that's bullshit.

It's like what if I'm a Republican, right, I don't give a shit about the gee.

You know what?

Not only but everyone doesn't anymore, No, because it's all seems to not be going very well. But that's beside the point. There's a new Tailor Swift album. Things are looking up.

What was that I was going to say, we're talking about hotels. Yeah, last weekend I had an experience where I.

Was promised this place to stay and you were working.

Yeah, and I would have given anything for a hotel. I would have taken a brind FRANGI hotel with shit in the toilet. Yeah, you would have slept in that puke tub. It was hilarious because I got this gig so I do service industry stuff. All right, the jig is up. I'm telling you. Whenever I'm not a comic.

The is up. So you've been trying to pretend like you.

I keep like, we keep talking about like kind of what I do for work, but then like not. But anyway, I'm a server. So I got hired to do this gig at Coachella, and they told me to leave early enough to be there to work the day, like you know, as a bottle service waitress, bartend or whatever. So to beat the traffic, we had to leave at three am in the morning. Damn I'm driving. I get to the desert. Yeah,

Right. Yeah, it was like the Celsius event and they gave you like Celsius clothes.

Yeah, and it was like these leather booty shorts and like, what did you do with that?

Out?

But did you have to give it that?

So have it? Do you want it?

I was just like saw the outfit and I was like, that's kind of cute.

What do you do with it?

Though?

It was so fun Like the experience was so good, but I just thought this was so funny because like, we literally show up to this airbnb at five am. It's still dark outside, and they're just like all the lights are off, everybody's clearly sleeping at this house, and our information is just that this is where we're staying. So we start like knocking on the door and this disheveled man answers. It's like one of the bartenders, because there were bartenders that went up the day before to

She had to sleep when I got damn a pool chair and she didn't sleep because you you had to work at What time did you have to be up to start?

I mean we had to be the thing at eleven thirty and be all at five. Yeah, so we got there at five, So we're just sitting on lap? How does that even work?

How could this be worth it? I know it was paid.

We got paid, you did, yeah, and I got a free tea pain concert. Don't be jealous. Yeah, Okay.

When I go to these like swanky events sometimes like celebrity events where there's like it's a big deal and everyone's having the time in their life, I do feel bad for like the caterers. Sometimes I'm like, this is so cool they get to be here, But I feel like I would I would feel.

If I were that.

I feel so resentful of Like who do these people think they are? I'm just as good as you and you no idea I'm wearing a Selsias shirt or whatever. Like you don't feel like they treat you bad or like they ignore you.

No, they were nice. I mean like it was just like getting paid to go to a concert. Really, like the day part of it was fun, right, But like and I also feel like I time traveled because I haven't like done bottle service in a long time, haven't been asked, and so you.

Just like.

Just be like a hot girl and like the outfit again just like dancing and vibeing a tea pain, which that was the music that was there whenever I did bottle service. So like that song, I was like, I like the bar tender. Yeah yeah, oh yeah, yeah yeah those like that was me again, just like sling, but every song was a banger. You almost me think that was a hit for a second, and like he did do baby.

That is cool when you go to a show and you go, I'm not gonna know any of that. You go and I got they had won so many hits.

Literally everyone was a hit. Yeah. But to get to that, we just sleep in the pool chairs, which was hilarious, which was like this scene of just like a nice ass pool, like waterfalls, going, hot tub everything, and there was like beer cans all spread around like you could tell they had like partied the night before. Somebody enjoyed the airbnb. Yeah, but I didn't sleep because I was just like I have to start rolling my hair and

Oh yeah, did that get you through? Oh? Kay? I had one last week and I was like, holy shit, like it went right through me, right through me.

It's it's a great it's a clean you know it's clean. It's not like a monster.

Yeah yeah, yeah, I forgot what. Oh Like, I feel like I'm stressed out about even hearing that story because I would have had so much dread of like this day where I'm gonna I'm not gonna be I have I'm on no sleep, I'm already tired, and then I went to this thing. I got no sleep and then I have to look hot and then I have to like so much dread. Just how long? And is there an end in sight?

Do you do?

You do you know when it's over?

Because that's I think that's my biggest thing in life is I need to know when things are over, and if I do, then I'll be okay. Like when I do meet and greets, I don't mind doing meet and greets, but I want to know how many people are left and not because I'm like, I can't wait till it's over. Just it just gives because sometimes the meet and greet line like snakes around and I will be like looking at Matt, like how many more? Not because I'm like

Yeah, it's never hard out with anything of service. It's like, well we got to see when everybody clears out of here, and then we got it. Well, you know, we got to pack up all these tables and then once we get the bottles loaded back into the truck, like you just never really know.

Yeah, anyone who works in the service industry shout out to you for like not there's cool and knowns about

It's random.

But I did like that part about waitressing that every time there was a little dopamine hit of like seeing what they left and the the you know, it's like a roll of the dice of like what's it going to land on? And there's never you can never expect it or but it's it's random enough that I think scientists would probably deem it a good thing as for

What gets Yeah, I don't see like you're.

Motivated at all because you're just like phoning it in every day.

That would be nice too, because if you just I do envy people who have jobs that they don't have to take home, and I know that's a rare thing than we all think it is, because most people's work does follow them home, even if you're a waitress, yes and shake it, like what follows you home as a waitress?

I mean literally sorry to say it really is true. Not offended by anything. Server if you call me ma'am, that's only but like, really I will remember something once I'm home, like, oh, I forgot to bring them honey. Yeah. Oh, Like something like that will pop up and I hate that it lives in my brain, but it doesn't.

It sucks.

It gets so fast, like what we do, especially this restaurant where I work, where like everybody comes all at once to power lunch and then they're gone. So it's like all twelve o'clock and one, Brian, you came in eight lunch. There you saw. I actually want to hear about your experience of what you saw. But like there's times whenever people ask you something and you're walking into the computer to ring it in and then somebody else comes up and tells you something, Hey, your table needs whatever,

That is literally, that is literally why I've forgotten to do roast jokes. Minutes before I was completing my set to turn in for the prompter, I mean like an hour before the show cut a joke that was one of my favorite jokes I've ever written. Yes, and I'm on the dais and Jeff Ross does a joke about the similar topic that just reminds me of the joke and I've already done my and I go, oh my god,

There's there's supposed to be a thing called a clipboard, which is an invisible thing on your computer that has all this stuff that they cut, and I feel like that's impossible to access. It's gone and only keeps one thing, the last thing that you cut. There needs to be a feature where you can retrieve all the things that you've cut that have been lost into the space of HM.

Well last night talk about wasting time on online. I tried to make a I did make a reel with all these pictures of me from that Matt takes on tour. They're amazing, and I rarely post them all because I'm usually like when I see pictures from the past weekend, I'm always just like, oh god, you look like that.

I need time.

Yeah, So I was like, oh, I have all these pictures. And there's like this new Taylor Swift song that is about performing when you're depressed and shout out to all the Swifties who are like, Nikki, you are going to love I can do it with a broken heart because it is about you know. Part of the song is like I'm so depressed. I act like it's my birthday every day. And she's just like she's talking about how I can do it with the broken heart. She's like hitting her marks.

I can.

I'm a real tough kid. I can handle my shit. They said, baby, you can make it till you think it. So I did lights camera, bitch, smile even when you want to die. He said, he loved me for all time. Then the lights were good. It's all just about like she's going through heartbreak. But she's on Ararastur, which is I mean, I'm gonna get into it later on the other podcast, but it's incredible because anyone who's seen her on Aerras tour Me Twelve Times Gonna be fifteen after

And it's so good.

But anyway, I took that song and I was like, people are using it in reels a lot, so I was like, I need to get on this fast because this is don't I don't want like just people who are like, oh, this song's fun that don't even like Taylor to like beat me to it and then I'm just jumping on this trend. So I made a I spent two hours yesterday making reel. It's so hard to time things and to edit on the Instagram app, but I don't have editing software, so I can't do it elsewhere.

Get cap cut, cap cut.

Everybody said, is capcut cap cuts?

Okay, Well that's all I needed, but I ended up I ended up being like, okay, I have I was like, I'm gonna send it to like someone to make for me, but then I would have to say this picture. Then I went it on lights camera bitch, smile and then on smile. And I can't trust other people's sense of rhythm, which even if you watch it it's slightly often it

No story of I have so much to do. That was such a shame. I mean, it's just that's the industry though. Also now it's like we'd our whole job is to create content for Mark Zuckerberg. Yeah, that's all we have. That's all we can do now, constantly, and it's never ending.

It's we talked about it with Benedict, it's not it's once you post something, it's like what's next. And that's the same thing with the business of like if I do a show, if I have if you know, I did three shows this weekend that were like amazing, the crowds screaming, like so much adoration, like so much pomp and circumstance, and then it's just like, all right, what's that's done? Now those people will it's it's over.

We live in this age and it's good and bad too, because like you know, whenever we were growing up, we would have killed to be on TV and have our own TV show. It's like, well, guess what, now you have your own TV show. There you go, Instagram, you have your own channel. Go. Now what are you gonna do? YouTube?

Go? That's not what the dream.

Well, you really can make anything.

You can anything.

Not at the level you want to make it up, but you can. If you want to make a movie, you can shoot a movie with your iPhone.

If YouTube would have been around whenever I was a child, I would be so famous right now. Really all I did was make content and movies and like with like a home, you.

Don't have time around, would you would you want to do it now if you have time?

No, I feel so silly being my age and like trying on wigs and being different characters, Like.

But is that what you want to do characters?

And it like no, like I've you know, I struggle with this, like what to put out because it just feels silly, But like what takes off is that is the wigs and the character.

Yes, people love you know.

It's so funny when a guy puts a towel on his head and pretends to be his mother and listen, some of.

Those things hit like you thought somebody like it. Sometimes they hit and like this one's really funny, but totally look at the other ones and you're like and then it's so there's a girl who just sits in her car and just goes like, hey, she'll just don't do the most dane observations, but I'm addicted to it. I forget her name, but she just does what did she

We're all yappers. And like there's a picture of Taylor Swift talking like her mouth is open and while she's out to Nobo with Travis Kelcey and someone was like, oh, we've got a like grade a yapper on her hands. It's like every every like every jock guy needs a yapper girlfriend. And so it's just like we're yappers, and it's it's kind of like an endearing term. It's not

I don't like that one.

I I like it because you know why, you can't get back to it and if you really want to see it, you're gonna have to like screenshot it like a loser. So like you can post a hot picture without it being like look at me. So it's just like the subtle hot thing that's just a blink, and I think.

I like, well, I can't. I can't utilize that trick in my social media.

So you can just take a hot picture of girl a different girl. Yeah that's true, you can't use that, but you you know, you have other things going. Yeah I don't know what, but you got that just kidding, but yeah, you're man like, we all have our things and we go why do they get to do that? And we don't get to like you don't have to look on.

No, I don't have to look at like anything. I don't even go on camera.

Yeah that's a good point, but yeah you.

Do and we're on camera.

Literally fuck and your hat matches your shirt?

Oh hell yeah?

You like coordinated?

This hat is awesome. Shout out to Ink and Stitch, a local La embroider shop. It's the best. I mean, this is what local businesses. Everyone loves local businesses, But going to a place like Ink and Stitch, I realize how awesome local businesses can be when there's a passionate business owner who actually cares about what they're doing, as opposed to like going to lids and having some nineteen year old who goes to West LA Community College be like, yeah, I'll make your stupid fucking hat.

People that like like their jobs and are and what we were just talking about, like we feel sorry for like people like I wouldn't want to work here, But then people you walk in these places and they're like happy that they're working there, Like we worked at a venue last night, the Paramount Theater in Huntington, and we go to these theaters all the time in casinos and

Down and everyone's happy.

And we were like, we it's so weird. We had to even note that these people were just like basically decent. Like we were like, you guys are so nice, and they're like, yeah, we just like we all hang out out outside of work, Like we just all all we like who we are and we like what we're doing.

We're not yearning for more.

This is enough and we make enough money and like or at least they seemed to be, and they were so freaking nice.

Well that's what happens when you pay your employees a living wage and give them if you know.

It was funny because they don't well no, they do, but we were like, it's so great here. Like it was two guys in like the doorway and one of them is probably like more of the you know, more in charge of like more of a boss situation, what's senior position? And then the other one was like not as much, and and the other guy was like a little like just had a little personality quirkiness that was a little different, but like nothing bad or anything, but

What's going on with your feet?

I think he just wanted I think he just wanted to prove that he was like a next level fan, right, not the best way to do it, but and I was like, actually, I love my feet and I'm never getting them operated on because I like the pain of them being massage. And that shut him up real quick. He was like, Okay, let's get a picture. I'm done with this conversation. So then but these guys were and we were like, we love this vibe so much. Here

Oh my god.

It was so funny because then when they left, me and Ari were just like, oh, boy, Like that was such a funny moment where we're like, it's so cool that you all like work together and love each other and this one guy's clearly been left out of all of this stuff.

Wow.

It was just a funny moment. But I'm sure he's on the slack now.

Ari Finling, who also went to Indiana University.

It's so crazy.

Really, Yeah, I always forget that about him, even though he literally told me that twelve hours ago.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I love Ari so much. Okay, we're gonna take a break and come back with more after my death. Yeah. It was a massive weekend of Waukegan, Illinois. On Friday.

Did you see the falls?

Yes, you did, drove past them on Saturday in Senecool, right, Yeah, they I didn't see, like the big part of it. I think I thought we thought we were going because the guy had picked up at the airport and was like, you guys want to see the falls. It will just take five minutes. And we're like, we love a five minute tourist. Yeah, destination, that's all it takes. And then we just kind of drove through and then we never ended up parking, and then we were at the casino.

We were like, did we see it?

Like I saw it just kind of like rapids, but I didn't how.

Close was the casino to the falls?

Five minutes?

Yeah, yeah, you see. That's one of the things. The Niagara Falls is a situation that actually helped establish more national parks and federal park lands in America because people didn't like how Niagara Falls was capitalized on by different businesses. Like if you go to Niagara Falls, it doesn't feel

It'd be jumping into the canyon because they lost all their money.

Yeah, right, No, that's what people do it Niagara Falls because there's so many casinos around. They have suicides for people losing all their money. And then if you so, it empties out into Canada, I guess. And if you try to commit suicide and you sometimes people survive the falls, you owe Canada money because they had to like fish you out, like you there's one way where it's like it's almost like fifty to fifty where it's like there's a way you can go off the falls where you

Somebody wanted to kill themselves have to go get a barrel?

Can you imagine that all we had to do is shut down that barrel store and people stopped.

Killing themselves, saved so many lives and closed that barrel. So it's true, but but this did it in a barrel, right, I mean I think it was just like, but it's like a.

Big thing in the thirties people there's gonna go over the edge of the falls.

It was like, so where do they so the barrel? How does that work?

Its way?

Like?

It was so cute.

And then she told me a story when she was there that before I went on stage. She was like, because I go, I don't have anything to say about this region, and I want to say something to like about a joke about their area. People love that. I couldn't think of anything, and she was like, well, last time, I remember being on tour here and driving through and there was a blizzard and people in Buffalo were like, you got to watch out for the black guys. You

And then it ended up it was black eyes.

Right, the black eyes are slippery.

Yes, And I made the joke of like, oh I could I was. I was like, you should tell that. That's really funny, Like it's just a funny quip, and she was like, oh no, I'm not, no way, that's like so racist, and I'm like, no, it's I don't think she said that was so racist, but she was like I could never meaning like it would offend people.

It's like, who does that offend?

It sounds like black guys and it's black ice, Like is that offense? Like I'm having trouble discerning. Let me just like take a brief moment and say that I saw I watched a roast clip of mine the other day. Like it just came up, and I was like, you know what you owe you? You never watched this ever since you did it, Like you've never literally watched the roast. You never watched a clip of it, like you don't review.

What is it? Oh, it's so funny.

It's one of my favorite jokes. I believe I wrote it. I think it's one of mine because I do get help on the roast, but this one I believe was one of mine. It was like Pete david Since here I go, Pete Davidson live from New York.

It's not your dad. I think that's so funny.

But anyway, that's crazy to say to someone. First of all, that's insane. I don't know what's wrong with me. Like I was watching, I told I said to Alec Baldwin, which I love this joke too, but it was the clip that I watched was like, it's such an honor to be here, wrote roasting like Hailey Bieber's fattest, dumbest uncle or something like. It was just like it was way better than that, But it was like, how dare you? Like?

Like I don't.

I don't because people keep going like you're an assassin. You say things that no one else will say, And I'm like, do I really like? I think people say pretty offensive things on these roasts. I don't think I'm like going the next level. I think it's just because I looked like I wouldn't because I have blonde hair and a nice smile or something. But do I think there is something sociopathic about me? Because I don't when

But the thing is is that it's white people that will find it racist. A black person would play laugh at that, you know what I mean.

But there's nothing, there's nothing in white people, there's nothing judgment. I think racism is saying that people are worse, not that they're different, but it's saying that like someone's inherently worse. Saying that someone stands out in a blizzard because of their skin tone is more different than the color of snow than a white person's skin tone is just a fact. And I said to ariego it's physics, and he goes, I don't know if it's physics, And I go, light

So is that offensive?

I mean, it can be offensive to some and if not offensive to others, I would argue it is not offensive.

And if you are offended by.

You were actually wrong.

It's not You don't get to say what's offensive to you. Things are actually black and white, offensive or not offensive, and you can say the final thought. You can say exactly, you could say that you're offended. But there are things that are actually offensive because they're meaning to be mean, but just saying something like, for instance, there's there's some jokes I've been wanting to write recently that reference someone's that they've been literally charged with a crime like that

The blame of his suicide on the feet of some kind of hotel room.

No, I guess I'm not even doing that. I'm just referencing that he killed himself in a hotel room, and I'm saying that they named I'm saying, did you name this hotel room after the guy who killed himself in a hotel room?

And the audience is like, of course, they wouldn't do something like that, are you?

You're merely offended that you brought up his tragic death, and that is not offensive. It is a fact that he killed himself. I will not apologize for that. I just want if I say my joke about Kevin Pollock, where I said, you do a great Robin Williams depression, I wish you would finish it. That I'm wishing he would kill himself. That is literally offensive. Any luck for that. I don't know that I did, but maybe you saw some I don't remember, but you were.

I remember the time. You're like, this is why I do this is that it calls awareness to suicide. I have jokes like that.

Yeah, I guess that's a that's kind of a cop out. I just did it because it was funny. So I wish someone would kill themselves. It's just insane thing to say, and obviously a joke. Yeah, so hyperbolic. It's it's a great joke. But that is offensive if someone's to be offended by that, of course, because I'm wishing. I'm saying I wish you would kill himself. But if i'm just reference I'm saying that someone killed themselves, you don't get to You can grow, but you're wrong to grow because

Uh huh, it's not up to it's up to the individual. Offensive is subjective, and it just you know, it sucks that some people get offenditive things and that they don't seem like on the surface that they should be.

Like blackface is offensive because white people used to say black people can't have jobs in Hollywood. We're going to paint our faces black and thus you don't get to work because and we're gonna make fun of you and make it look like an insane version of what But the to acknowledge that a black person's skin tone is darker than a white person's skin tone is not offensive. It also it changes, literally is a fact.

It changes. There's gonna be plenty of things we're saying now that in ten twenty years people are like, that's really offensive. The fact that you've sat like it used to be offensive. It used to be offensive. That you're wearing a short sleeve shirt was offensive at some point. Yeah, it all changes, and you know.

No, but it's it doesn't change. Facts are not offensive, I have. I think that's where I draw the line if you are restating a fact. If I say someone is a murderer and they've served time for murder, even though they served the time and they got out of prison, I still get to say that because that's I didn't

It depends on where you lie, because it's also not good to dwell on things.

No, but I think giving them a little something.

Yeah, like every year you have like a little celebration.

Yes, every year. I don't eat for a day just to remember.

But well that's what Jews do.

Oh that's true.

Yeah. And Ramadan, Yeah that's a month. Yeah, it's insane, insane. I'm just saying it's very difficult. That's so I'm saying it's very difficult.

I got invited into a Ramadan feast that my neighbors were having. Oh these like fifteen like young boys that were dressed and all the stuff, like white like robes and everything. And I was just like coming home and they were like, come come, it's Ramadan. It's feast. It's feast. Come in, come in, come on. And You're like, I've eaten today. So and I like went into their apartment and they all had like they had a sheet spread out on the floor and all this food, like these

It was.

Yeah, it was, by the way, say weird. When they mean different, Okay, it's not people, they mean difficult.

Yes, exactly totally. I mean all of these words, but that's so cute. And we did that and I was just.

Like, Okay, I have to go. I need to take my dog out. And this is and.

People say offended when they mean I want attention.

Yes, but they were like some people got offended on my show last week and wrote a comment on someone someone posted a picture of my show and then I like went to go to comment like thanks for coming, and I saw a comment of like, uh, did the show get better after she defended pedophiles because that's what we left, and I God, I just wrote which they they're not even podcast listeners. I wrote with the original spelling of cool cat underneath it, and I'm just like, yeah,

They choose to.

I don't believe any when chooses anything. But we're not going to get into no free will.

You can take a class and learn how to want.

I think it's a master class, a.

Master class from Is he a famous pedophile?

Well, like the Nickelodeon thing, he's not really a pedo on that, but he definitely put a system together that you.

Know, that's interesting. There's a lot of really famous like serial killers and mass murderers, but I don't have I can't recall famous pedos.

Michael Jackson is the most famous.

Yes, that's correct.

I would say allegedly offensive. That's offensive, Yeah, because he was probably moston Paris would be offended. Yeah, my god, I don't even want to get into that. Should we say?

I don't.

I want to keep getting invited to her things. I think, yeah, she does. She I think Michael Jackson is Paras Hilton's godfather, godfather.

Wow.

And so she Yeah, she's a staunch believer that those are fake stories.

A lot of people are a lot, I mean, there are people that believe, and I'm open to it that Scott Peterson didn't kill Lacy Peterson, which is one of those things that you're just like, what the fuck? But Oj Simpson, I mean, with his death last week, did you guys see the thing that the you know, the ESPN documentary was amazing back in the day, but I don't remember all the details from it, but a clip came up from it the other day where he sees so after his trial, where he's already you know, he's

You know that he was.

Later actually convicted of the murder and found guilty, but his eyes get so big he literally goes it's you couldn't do it if you try to make your eyes as big as his art. When there's like a frozen picture of him seeing the shoe for the first time, and it reminded me of the Jinx, which is back.

It is the Jink.

There's a there's an updated The Jinks HBO documentary where the guy has the microphone on and goes in the bathroom at the end of the documentary. Spoiler alert, turn off your podcast right now if you haven't seen the original Jinks, because you're gonna want to. It's the best thing ever. He goes in the bathroom after they so he's the same thing he was tried. He got off

I killed them all.

Oh my god, I killed them all.

And then he starts going in the burping and the burping like he starts reflecting on like what they just caught. And then he comes out and I think they tell him you miked. And then there's another response of that, like where he's just like realizing it. So then he got he we went to prison because of that. Wow, and then he died in present of COVID. But there's a new documentary out that has even more like crazy stuff and people are so excited because at the time.

Got in prison of COVID.

Yeah yeah, Robert Durst, whoa, yeah, it's nuts. So that's out right now, so as lovers and liars, don't even forget it. The first two episodes now available on the CW app for free. The third episode is coming out on the CW this Thursday on the CW and Benedict Polizzi was on the show from at last week. People are loving it. It's still so early, so you can get involved. I will have a Taylor Swift recap of the album and all my thoughts on it. All positive thoughts,