The Nicky Glaser Podcast.
Nick Glaser, Here's Nikki.
Hello here, I am welcome to the podcast. It's NICKI Glazer. I am the host of the Nicky Glazer Podcast.
I'm here.
I'm in Los Angeles, California. If you listened to the show yesterday, this podcast is being recorded the same day, two episodes in one same day, many hours in between.
Brian's here, Noah's here. What's up, guys?
What did you do with your hours?
Jesus Christ, what did you guys do with your hours?
I mean it's we I guess we did the first one at eleven am and now it's five thirty, so a lot's happened. I am transitioning, No I.
Could be at this point.
I drove to Los Angeles from Temeculah, one of the.
Best drives in America.
It was pretty sweet. I was in the back of an escalade. I mean, it's nice, like the casino hooked it up, provided a free transport.
Pachanga.
Really, I just kept saying pachanga after punchlines last night, kind of like a Bazinga type thing.
That was fun.
And then I did a zoom call because this game, this game show that I can't reveal why I'm excited about it. I uh, I did a zoom call about how to play the game, and we talked about that and got you know, learned the rules. And then this is how TV works if you don't know, because I
would not have known. Like you, you get asked to do a show like forty eight hours before it happens because someone more famous dropped out, and then you instantly, like Zipper, you change everything in your schedule to accommodate it, because you being on TV is very important, so everything changes.
And luckily you're at a point in your life where you have like a team of people who will cooperate with you and like schedule it for you to shout out to my assistant, shout out to both of you who were able to change the podcast time to accommodate these just.
I've been waiting for my shout out and I really appreciate it.
Thank you, Brian Franjie in the house shout out. Thank you for guys being so flexible. Yeah, for the pliability right yeah, and uh yeah, so yes, and then you you you go like, Okay, what am I gonna wear? And then you have to call stylists, and then you have to figure out who the hair and makeup people are going to be. And then and you don't even think about, like I do I even know how to
play this game. And then eventually you get on a creative call, and then they tell you all about the show and they say how it's going to work, and they say they're so excited.
To have you, and and they probably mean it.
Sometimes I think these people actually did their really sweet I've worked on a lot of game shows, so there's a lot of overlaps. So I've worked with a lot of these people, and they're so nice and it sounds like it's going to be fun. And then and then I checked into I'm staying in LA for like a month or more right now, So I checked into my like temporary apartment hotel situation.
It's a hotel or an airbnb, it's a hotel.
It's like a extended residency.
So for like dads who have just freshly been kicked out of the house or trying to still win back their wives and explain like, she means nothing to me, it was a mistake. Yeah, it's nice, it's a nice place. It's a little bit it's it's not a hotel where like there are people at the front desk, but it's not like hotel.
Vibes of like we're so happy you're here.
It's like more like you just you are here, you know, nice amenities. Though it'll be good, but then I instill. I dropped my bags, and then I had to run to that charity show and.
I was running late.
Don't you hate when you're running late to something and you're like telling the person like I'm almost there, I'm so sorry.
And I wasn't even running late. My set was at three thirty five.
I was gonna be walking in three thirty four, and I go, I can go right up on stage. I don't need like to meditate in a room or something about my set. I'll walk right on the stage. I'm not getting any response except thumbs up. And then I get there. I'm like, oh, I'm ready, and they're like, oh, there's two people still in front of you, and they're both doing twenty minutes. I'm like, oh, so I'm forty
minutes early. And you guys know me, I don't like to be early or anything because I don't like stillness. I don't I don't like hanging around backstage at the comedy show.
This was the matinee performance, Yeah, this was the three Was it outdoors?
No, it was at the Bourbon Room.
Oh, the Bourbon Room. Yes, have you been there? I've been there? Was who are the other true comics?
Who are the other two comics?
Oh? Damn?
I didn't know actually the ones in front of me? But Tiffany Hattish was backstage. So I got to hang out with Tiffany for a little bit and we I'm always just like in passing with her, so it was nice to like hang out and talk to her, and she's.
I saw Tiffany Hattish at a restaurant once. Really, Yeah, Eda just closed down now, which is surprising because it was very popular hotspot amongst the influencers, but it closed nonetheless.
And you saw her there. I saw her the Eric Andre story you had, I saw her, But I just saw.
Her at a table eating dinner with somebody, and I said, isn't that Tiffany Hattish.
She's all over the place. She's so famous, She's in everything.
She's even in my restaurant.
She was she was talking about her duy she got November because she said she's sober now, and I was like, since when she's like since November.
I'm like, and you kind.
Of it's weird when you like are kind of friendly with people and you know that they went through something like that. You don't want to like pretend like you don't know, but you also don't want.
To bring it up.
But like, I did know that she got a DUI because she like fell asleep at the wheel, which is just is the most hilarious way.
To get a DUI. And I and it's happened to her twice.
I guess it's so like not while driving, she was parked, Oh.
She pulled over on the side of the road. Probably not great.
You could get a DUI for parking and falling asleep. Yeah, if the cars like a responsible to do.
That's what I said.
It sounds like you were responsible. And she's like not if they want to make money. And then she's and if she's she was like, I didn't realize how famous I was until it was.
It was EveryWare, it was everywhere.
Well, people want her to take her down.
Yeah, because she's been she's been around too long and she's too and sheet controversy.
So people are like clamoring to find more reasons to make it. Yeah, I just.
She's whenever I see her, she's just seems to be treating everyone around her so equally, like doesn't think she's hot shit, even though she is and could act like that. I just I really, and I think she's so funny and she's so pretty. I was just like looking at her, like, God, she's so I was, uh, just you know sometimes when you're around famous people who have had that glow up, and she's she's pretty anyway even before she was famous.
But she's just like they just their skin texture is different when they got that money.
You know, you just like want to look at it.
They're like radiant. I was very aware that I might have had bad breath. When you think you have bad breath, like, do you say something or do you just like try not to breathe heavy or do you like try to face it down?
Why don't you address it? Why don't you take a mint?
I didn't you know, no.
One had one and I didn't have one with me.
Otherwise I'm always handed you not because I think you have bad breath, because I always have them.
Yeah, I love I love, I love a mint or recal, I'll always take a cough up, but I didn't have anything, and I just knew it probably wasn't good, and so
I just like aimed it down. But she very well could be like Nikki Glazer has stinky breath, and that would be like what she knows about me, because I don't think I'll ever get that close to her again, and even if I do, Like when you're around someone who has really bad breath, like and that's your main interaction with them, like they just have bad breath the rest of your life, Like that's what.
Yeah, No, there's no going back.
Because they had it for once in public at three thirty five, Like that's it's too late for morning breath.
There's no excuse.
Yeah, she's got a great name. You know how when some people become famous, you go like, who the fuck is that? When Tiffany and Hattish really came on the scene, I just assumed she had been famous for a long time because of her name. Yeah, it sounds like a famous person's name.
Hadish. It's like Radish, it just sounds. Yeah.
I like the word Garnish. That's like a cool like any kind of ish. It's like blackish.
Whitish. I remember this girl who did those shows.
Oh yeah, yeahsh that's totally it. Yeah she's I don't know who did those shows. I forget his name, but I think you wear sweatpants a lot that creator.
Anyway.
You know how when you go to the bathroom and then you wash your hands and then you have to shake someone's hand and you go, oh, my hands are wet. I didn't pee on them. Yeah, that's like what you That's like with the should you do the breath thing?
Yeah?
I have, yes, I mean, and then if it doesn't, it's really awkward, like because I was I think I told this on the podcast, but I was going to my stylist one time for a fitting and I didn't realize that like I did not smell great down there, Like it just had been like a it was probably like I've been having weird periods lately, not that you asked, Brian, but like my periods will like seem to stop like.
They used to be there. They were always like three days long.
My periods have been like my whole life, I've always been like really blessed with like maybe a half day of heavy flow. And I know that's like really rare and I'm lucky, but lately they've been stopping when they
regular stop and then they amp up again. So it was like in that interm period where I'm like, I'm done with it, and then I think it started again, and like I just I hadn't I didn't have a cork up there, so things were just it was just like not a good day down there, and I didn't know what was going on until I and I had traveled and I also had spray tand body odor like just bad, and I remember thinking, oh my god, they totally smell it. So I said something, I'm sorry, like
if my pussy stinks. I think I said pussy stinks, which is like I've known these girls for like almost ten years now, so I can kind of talk that way. But it was a little bit on the edge of like no, because it was just so gross to say. It's just like you can say your breath stinks and that's acceptable, but to ever admit that your pussy stinks, like girls like can't admit it that ever.
I said, gunch, like exactly, yeah.
It doesn't.
It just it sounds like once a ransom gunch, always a ransom gunch, like it doesn't seem like something that can be temporary. And so if you admit you have it, like almost is like you shouldn't do it.
I think I made up Gunch I've been seeing.
That sounds good. That sounds like it's someone's famous. His last name.
James Gunch the Gun. He's the guy who created Blackish. You get that up.
Oh yeah, Kenya bars, there you go. I think you were sweatpants a lot. I think I was right about that. But anyway, so I said that, and I could tell that they were just like, we didn't we don't smell it, and now we know that you do, and it's is just no one needs any of this.
Me call something else.
I just feel that they were like whoa, they were like blown away that I said it so brazenly. Yeah, And it wasn't like I don't think they had smelled anything.
So it was I kind of just left it alone.
I could see that being pretty wild to hear. Yeah, if you're coming there hot to stomping in there, my pussy.
Sure to be barging in like Cramer, just like my pussy stinks.
All right.
It was after I like I bent down to take off some like you know, address that was really tight. So I bent down, so I got close to it and I was like, oh boy, and I said it as I was like, guys, I think I really am my pussy stinks right now and I'm really sorry. And it's so embarrassing to even like, as I'm saying it right now, I can't. I'm this is all this is. My pussy has never stank ever, it always smells good.
Isn't it true?
Though?
Noah, that you can say your breast stinks, But like admitting that your pussy is stunk even once kind of makes you feel like she probably always stinks.
It's it's pretty uncomfortable to admit.
Yeah, why that, Like you can admit that my armpits, my armpits my hair, my hair, yeah doesn't smell good right now, but like yours? Yeah, like you are that and that's so strange. But I'm not that my pussy does not sink regularly. I know for a fact, I don't know what I do if I was. If I had that problem, I would probably not leave the house. Because there are some people that just have, like the guy in The Holdovers, Paul Giamati's character a body odor from having some kind.
Of condition that film. I watched it on a plane, so it's not fair, but I really did love it.
I think that isn't fair.
I watched it with my parents, which isn't fair too.
It just whatever whoever you can totally.
That's why comments are so scary on YouTube because they are the people you're watching it with, like they you know, like if you watch something with a group of people that don't like something, you probably will go walk away from it not liking it as much as if you watched it with people who were like I love this, Like we are influenced.
Also, it says something about you, doesn't it That you're watching this video and so are all these people who are commenting. So in that way, doesn't it make you like them? You have something in common with these people who have been served or have chosen to watch this video.
You want you think about that sometimes where I'm like, I think I would get I really want to meet the other people who are watching this exact pornographic film
I'm watching. That is who I would want to meet because I want to talk about That's one thing I really I've talked about a little bit in my act and stuff about the stuff I'm drawn to and porn, but it's so specific the things that I like that I feel like I would have a really good time chatting with someone who's also getting off to the same exact thing.
Probably also Paul Giamatti.
I wouldn't be surprised, but I just think I would have a lot in common with someone who was into the same exact thing. But I wouldn't want our conversation to be sexual. It would be like I would just want to see what kind of thing we went through as kids that made us want this.
Or like running adults and who knows.
Who really knows.
But I am getting into French porn because it makes me feel more classy.
French.
Yes, French, because a French gang bang. They literally say ooh la la.
I'm not even joking.
You watch a French porn and you will hear oh la la, and you will hear voi la when they come I'm not joking.
They say voila.
It's so and they're like, like they do, and it's there, it's literal, it's it's legit French porn, but they they do.
They're like wearing striped shirts, smoking cigarettes.
Every stereotype is eating croissants, yeah, doing things with baguettes. No, it's they really do say voi la and French porn.
That's hilarious. Is that so funny because we don't say here it is in America when we come. That's not even a translation. That's just their culture is to go voila.
Just means lots of things. It just means it's like a thing to say when it's like here, Like.
We don't why I say anything? I think saying anything after you come is intrinsically funny. Think of something. What could you possibly say that's not funny after coming?
Yeah, I mean it's weird to say nothing though you go just grunting, yeah, and then you go, then you animal sounds.
I think anything you can't say anything. It's just even like I'm done, even maybe I'm coming. That's the only thing you can say that's not funny.
I came, I saw, I conquered Voi la, Like, just check it out.
It really does happen in French porn. So I've been trying to watch that a little bit and to just like work on my French and it makes me feel less disgusting because it feels like they're they're bringing a like class and art.
It's like art, Yeah, but it's not it's porn. It's not good.
I think porn might be really bad for the world, Like really bad. I'm starting to think that why.
With the value is the human existence or I just sensitizes people the sexual encounters limits their ability to connect with others.
Yeah, I mean I was being a little bit I guess facetious when I said I think it's really bad, because it's clearly really bad. But I think it's like way worse than anyone thinks because no one talks about watching porn, so like the only people really getting help for their porn addictions are people that are so far gone in that world. But I think a lot of people struggle with it, even though I do love it
and I watch a lot of it. And I also just don't think that anyone ever dreams of doing porn and if you're.
Old, Yeah, that's what I think about. Like I just thought about it as like, what are the statistics of like how many former porn stars, like you know, commit suicide or or just to like in a bad place lots?
And why do porn at all? I mean, if you. If the goal is to make money, then just starting OnlyFans. You don't have to fuck anybody, and you'll make ten times as much.
No, no, no, no, only fans.
I saw a really important reddit that I actually wanted to read on the podcast about Girl a Girl was like, I'm just ready to start an only fans I'm struggling too much, Like I'm gonna do it, and someone wrote like, here's why you shouldn't.
Okay, you will one hundred percent.
They will find they will uh what's it called when they steal your image and they take it and put it Yeah, okay, why they'll do that?
Deep fake?
No, they'll no, they'll just take they'll just I forget there's a word for it, when it's done online. But they'll take your paywalled content and they'll just put it out on Reddit or you know, it will end up on the free market of porn eventually. Most of the guys that you encounter that try to pay extra money where you make a lot of money is doing extra stuff,
you know, like personalized videos and stuff. Those guys will interact with you to plan the video and then they will jerk off to an interaction and then they will never pay you cash for the so most of the interactions that you are trying to figure out what video to make so I can make extra money, those guys just get off on like telling you, like interacting with you in an email or messaging, and they never come through with the money to pay for the actual video
that they were talking about, and they just jerk off to you talking to them about the video, and so they that also happens. And also can you imagine waking up in the morning and haveting to make some kind of fucking content where you stick your toe and you're pussy or something like, I can't imagine. There's just mornings where I just can't even get it enough together to put on a shirt and talk about Taylor switch on a podcast or what you know, like I'm not but to like.
Actually I can't bring myself to make my Apple videos and well.
Those take that's almost like porn. That's a lot of enthusiasm. Wha nah, Yeah, that takes a lot out of you. You're doing a lot of research, but it's just it's I don't think only fans is what and the market's oversaturated, so you won't make as much as you think you're going to there's a whole list of a person that was like, please, honey, do not do this. It will come back to haunt you. But if it's just your feet, I could get into that. I think girls, just don't
put your face in the stuff. If you can avoid it, if you want to start an only fans or just do it. And if you don't care, then fucking just do it. I don't care either. More power to you.
Okay, we're gonna do a break and we'll come back and do more show. All right, we're back. What did you guys do?
I mean, I mean, maybe this is too personal, but if there is any best of these who have only fans, I want to know what their experience is. Are they making money?
Well?
Are making are getting people paying bills?
I feel like OnlyFans is trying to trend away from like the pornography stuff. Because there's this jiu jitsu gal who's on there. Her name is Fiona Davis and she's and she like does jiu jitsu.
Videos, Yeah, doing comedy. They did the roast of Bert Kreischer, Trevor Cummings.
Yeah, and yeah they do like they do stand up shows and stuff.
Those people are that's not a successful venture. Only fans is real money is coming from porn. Yeah, and it always will well maybe not. I guess if they maybe they'll create the next Blacklist or something and neverone will start watching only Fans as a network.
Oh Blacklist the show?
Yeah?
What is that show?
Just some random show I plucked at an Okay, what's that show with Kevin Spacey on Netflix? Had Cards? Yes, I can't remember. I've been trying to remember that.
I never watched that, And as soon as I was going to, he was like, you know, canceled to whatever. And then I was like, I guess I don't need to do this anymore. There's so many shows that you just go, I should watch that. Sopranos is the one that I really should watch.
Oh, but that's a lot of commitment. That's like nine seasons or something.
Yeah, I feel like I'll have to do it with someone who wants to rewatch it someday or something. I don't think that's what I'm going to take on my own. And I will want to know when people are about to be off because I don't really like.
You don't want to shop like, I don't want shock violence.
There's a character in Soprano's name Pussy.
Oh yeah, big pussy.
Right. Yeah.
Did you watch The Branos? Noah, you look like you did. No, I did not, you did not.
I watched The Wire taking.
Hmmm, did you watch The Wire? Yes?
I love The Wire you loved it, and I watched And I've never heard that listed among the best shows of all time.
But was it really good?
Yes? It was the same creator as The Wire.
Oh, okay, m yeah.
No. One else I really love from around that era was Battlestar Galactica.
Oh, that's the one that everyone says is amazing.
Yeah, I mean it's it's It has its ups and downs, but for definitely, the first several seasons were The first three seasons of Battlestar Galactica are on par with the first three seasons a Game of Thrones.
Okay, yeah, God, the pressure to keep that up and then the fans get so disappointed in you.
The ending of Game of Thrones was so bad. Battlestar Galactics ending was not bad. It was a little underwhelming, but it was better than Game of Thrones if you want to com there's no series that's more complete in my mind, from start to finish than Breaking Bad. They had a plan, they executed the plan, they finished the character arc, and it was over.
Okay, yeah, I might see that too, but again, there's too much violence in that one, I think.
But it's funny. It's fun, they're having a good time.
Okay, yeah, I know. That's one I got to watch with someone too. Okay, that's the one I really can And then better call Saul, like, can I watch Sall without watching Breaking Bad?
You can, but you shouldn't.
You'll you'll appreciate the characters more if you do watch Breaking Bad, but you'll appreciate them anyway.
So well, my life has in it right now because I didn't spend those, however, many forty hours thirty sixty eight eight hours watching that series that everyone else did. Like, what did I do with that time? You can probably to wet Ass Pussy or something like that.
Probably were crushing your head because you had a migraine headache.
Oh that was going on at that time in my life.
Don't get the IUD. Girls, I was getting migraine headaches from it.
And that's from the IUD.
Because I don't listen to my body. I had no idea those were connected that. They started like the day after I got the IU day I got it taken out.
They never came back and I never connected the two.
Oh my god, Yeah, they were horrible, Like two years I think, wuck and I don't even know I got the IUD out. I just eventually was like, I don't think I need this. And boy, getting getting it put in and taken out two most painful moments of my life and then all the migraines in between also the most all all of that was the most pain I've ever felt in my human existence, all connected to the IUD. And for what a like abortion would not have been as painful as all that. It really wouldn't have, but
I'm not being funny. It just wouldn't have been. I would have rather gotten pregnant and got an abortion. I know it wouldn't have been easy, and it's maybe not right if you're a Christian or whatever, but that would not have been as painful as all the shit that I went through with that IUD. Those migraines that I like, man just crying, like I understand why they're called like suicide headaches, you like, I If.
This kept going on, there's there's.
A controversy right now actually about birth control and how like a lot of hormone doctors and women are speaking out against it, but then you hear the opposing side, which is mainly like from the pharmaceutical back doctors who are like, no, this is wrong. So there's like a huge fight going on right now on that.
I do like the idea of women having the ability to not to have kids and still get commed in, you know, because guys always convince you to fuck without a condom, and I know that women should be more responsible and tell them to wear condoms. But we aren't that strong because society hasn't been that way.
When we're as someone who has been commed in and wanting to get pregnant and not gotten pregnant, I learned that it's much harder than we've been feared. That my mom scared me into and my doctor has scared me into. So I think it's like just being able to follow our hormonal pattern if we were taught that better, oh.
Yeah, into our bodies. None of us know when we're about to get our periods. It means it's an old joke, but like we all are like hysterically crying about you know, dropping our cell phone or something innocuous, and we wonder why it's happening, and then we start bleeding. We go, oh, I'm on my period, Like you never connected because I'm we're so disconnected from that because we're in denial of it. We as soon as we get it, we have to be like secretive about getting tampons and do you have one?
In palming it to each other like we're dealing drugs, like it's everything about It's so shameful.
I don't care at all.
I love buying tampons now and saying no bag for it and walking out of the store like holding tampons. I think I've talked about this before, but at an airport one time, I bought tampons and I was holding it like with my phone and filming people as I'm I'm holding it out like with my phone and filming. It's in front of my phone camera, so you just see the c's part. People are so awkward that you're getting this thing. I love it, like, oh, I'm sorry, my body's an inconvenience.
It makes you feel weird, like I didn't ask for this. I don't want to do this. I don't want to have to wear this shit.
That's the same way I feel when the Colts lose. I go, why am I punching this wall? I don't understand? And then I go, oh, yeah, Colts lose.
They would have taught you that as a young boy, that the Colts are gonna lose.
Yeah, once every twenty days, that'll be a good season.
But yeah, that's okay, that's interesting. Yeah, birth control.
I haven't.
And when you find out, birth control like changes the way the things you're attracted to and changes your moods and changes. Like there are girls that are on birth control and they fall in love with the guy and then they go off it and they are like literally disgusted by his smell, Like they want to vomit even thinking about the guy that they are living they just moved in with, and they can't.
They don't know what's wrong with them. They're not attracted to them anymore.
Not only they're not attracted, they're disgusted by them because their body chemistry was just different when they were on birth control, and birth control makes you have the chemicals of a woman who's pregnant. How are you supposed to attract the right person that's supposed to get you pregnant eventually, if you are constantly putting out vibes that you are pregnant, like I don't, it can't be good.
Do you know George Saunders, the short story writer. Yeah, so he wrote a book called December eleventh or something like that. I forgot what it was called. But there's a short story in it where it's a science fiction futuristic short story where people are put into these pods for experimentation and they're injected with this this synthetic chemical that makes them fall in love with the person next to them, and they experience true love and the most fervent sexual desire and passion, and.
The lovers and liars coming around z W. Yeah, okay, but because.
You know, love is, whether we like to admit it or not, it is a chemical reaction in our brains. And you know what causes that chemical reaction is just as important as the chemical reaction itself, so therefore it's
real or not whatever. But in this world, they've invented a chemical like just like taking an antidepressant or an injection, where it makes you feel those chemicals are the most intense love you've ever felt you feel in your brain you really do believe you're in love with this person, and it lasts for like six hours and you're cuddling and it's just like you're in the arms of a long lost lover, and then slowly the pill wears off and then you're like, I'm repulsed by this person. And
that has always stuck with me. I read that short story like fifteen years ago and.
I still think about it or like exdus.
Oh yeah, it was just Yaeger. They just did three yeager bombs. I love you.
I mean that feeling who hasn't gotten who who has had alcohol problems, not woken up next to something.
That they're like yuck, yeah, you know. But you that sticked stuck with you for some other reason.
I think because it was just a novel interesting idea to me, that like, you could take a pill and fall in love with somebody because of just the chemicals in your brain.
It's just gonna make those fire off, which, yeah, that is interesting. What is interesting to me is that someone can be the love of your life and you have a whole ceremony where you cry about how much you love each other and you really think you're gonna be together forever, and then three years later you can have a bitter divorce where you literally are considering hiring someone to murder them. That is interesting to me, that flip. And I know love and hate are the same thing,
but I just can't when people get divorced. I'm just like, you dumb fuck, Like what made you think you were gonna not? You're not dumb, but like I want to just go back to your wedding and go like, ahh you idiot? What made you think that? How could it be?
How could you do such a one eighty? That's how wrong you were.
You now hate that person and wish they literally died, Like some people's divorces, they wish the person were dead. How do you love someone so much and then also want them to die.
I just don't betrayed you and they cheated on you, and.
Well then you never loved you and you were a fool to think they did and you got you get bamboozled, and you I feel sorry for you that you got tricked by a narcissis. And I know it could happen to me, but it's just got to be really, I think.
It's not even narcissism. I think it's just people don't know how to fix relationships, and they're like, oh, okay, well we're having these issues, but if we get married, things will get better. If we go into this financial commitment of a house, things will get better. If we have a kid, things will get better. And then things don't get better, and they're like divorce.
You ever heard that Louis c. K joke where he's like when I when I got married, I was upset because I was like, man, I could have left, and I didn't leave. Now I'm stuck. And then I have kids now and I was like, ah, I could have left.
Yes, yes, you keep feeling like you're stuck forever. You can always get out of it, but not the kid thing. You can never get out of the kid thing. That's the one thing.
Kids know, well, you still could get but then you're just such a piece of shit parade.
No, yeah, you'll be running your children shame the rest of your life. Yeah, of killing your kids or whatever you did to get rid of them. But oh, you guys aren't thinking that. You're just thinking of leaving your kids. Okay, I just just think of something else. But no, I I just it's just embarrassing to me. I guess when you think you love someone so much, like even when I am like really like like a guy, and then he ends up being a dick and I've kind of
like told my friends that I like him. I'm embarrassed by even expressing that about someone that was so lame, let alone having everyone fly out and pay like eight hundred dollars for a fucking hotel room so they can witness you saying all this shit. And then two years later you're like suing them and you wish they never existed.
It's just that's crazy to me. Yeah, it's a lot, but it is a lot, and it's.
Well, marriage is used to be not about love. No, the invention of marriage, it was it was all about power and alliances and your station and making sure your daughter and you know it.
It is still about that though, Like it's still about like I own this person, Like why do we put rings, Like why does a woman have to wear a ring being like, don't talk to her, she's mine. But men can just like not have a ring until it's you know, until it's official. But being engaged, you're like you still you're off the market. Engagement men need to know, Like why do we need to let everyone know to stay away from us?
Like why do you.
Own to be fair? People aren't coming after men as much as they are coming on to women.
That's a good point.
Like a man doesn't have an engagement ring, he's probably maybe he'll get hit on, like one other time. But if a woman, it's like anytime you go out, there's a chance you're gonna get hit on.
Yeah, I guess that's it. That's a good point. I guess that's true.
But I just still think it's about owning someone, sure of course, all but being able to be like it's mine, don't you don't get to use it. It's like you're a little kid in a sandbox and you won't lend someone your should like it's you me, and it's like, no, it's not. This person is eventually going to and you're gonna have no say over them at all. And that's just interesting to me that someone can be like, have to deal with someone so much and then they can just.
Be free again.
God.
Divorce people are so fascinating to me because it's so hard to do. Because I think most people, I think the divorce rate is would be higher if it was easier to leave someone.
That's just my thoughts.
I think most I think I think the divorce rate would be like seventy percent, what is it fifty? I think it would be somewhere around seventy. Okay, it would be somewhere around eighty. Then I think if people, especially for people in their twenties, you know me, I don't respect you if you get married in your twenties. I think you're you don't know what you're doing, and it's you're going to live too long and you're eventually going to be very different than this person and want to get out.
I mean, think about your friends.
Like think if you had to have your friends that you had in your when you're twenty two the rest of your life, or your job that you had when you were twenty two. No one in twenty two should be able to choose things for the rest of their life.
Well, think about when you're sure.
Laugh if they do.
When you're seventeen or sixteen, and then you're signing on for a two hundred and fifty thousand dollars loan to go to college and then you have to choose your major. It's insane.
Yeah that one doesn't. Yeah that I don't think about that one as much as the marriage thing.
But I have friends from high school. I'm happy that they're still my friends.
You know I do too. I definitely friendship.
Was a little baby when I knew him. I knewhim, I was a little baby. I held him in my arms.
Well, you guys just got lucky, and you probably are friends based on the fact that you have so much sunk in cost into it, and that if you maybe met this person today, you might not be friends with them as much. A lot of people are just friends
because it's like we've been friends for so long. We all know that girl who's like you go to her wedding and you're one of her best friends currently, and then she has a best friend from when she was a baby, and it's like she looks different than every like, she's just a different kind of girl that like is a little bit needier and weirder and not really fitting in with everyone else.
But she's the baby friend.
So that girl thinks she has seniority because she's noticed that she was a baby. But it's like, bitch, this girl, my friend wouldn't be friends with you The only reason she's friends to you is because our parents made your parents made you guys hang out together. Yeah, don't act like you're better friends with my friend even though she had to make you the maid of honor, because you are crazy and you'll make a big deal of it
if you're not. And she knows I'm more understanding, and that I really know I'm her best friend, and she knows I don't want the responsibility. But you have really nothing else going on in your life than claiming to be this girl's best friend because you met when you were babies, when you had no choice in it.
Does anyone relate to that person?
Well, I'm just very lucky because my high school friends, my friends from growing cool, they're cool and we just we just all like the same things. We like doing the same things. We like gambling, we like watching sports, we like playing board games. Like we like all the same stuff. And it's probably because we developed our personalities together growing up over those years. Yeah, and we were cool. We were not cool, That's.
The key, right, don't forget. Yes, you were not cool. So we just developed our friend group and did any of them get cool? Did you ever have a friend that like got cool and ditched you guys.
Because I'm cool and ditched us. No, and ditched us. We had we had a friend who was was a did a good athlete. He was on the swim team and lacrosse team. He's pretty ripped, but he's just he was. He was just an angry dude. So we never really transcended to coolness, and no nobody became cool at all.
What happened? Did you ever?
Have? We all got older, sorry, we all got older, and then we were seniors. People started to realize that being cool wasn't what it was all about, and that my friends.
Seniors in high school, you figured out that being cool is and what it's about.
Well, the school figured it out, and they were like, you know what, these guys are actually fun and there it doesn't matter if they're not cool, they're fine.
Your group of friends became cool because everyone realized that being cool is just being.
Fun, right, not cool, cool, but like popular in a sense.
Okay, that's cool.
That you guys all got it together senior year and like realized that together.
Yeah, or or so you are telling us.
And now all the cool kids, all the really truly cool kids, the football players and stuff. They're all fucking losers. They're all fucking losers. All my friends are doctors and lawyers and police officer and and all the coolest guys are like like work like I work at the bar in town. You know, it's like.
It's sad, but they're still friends with there. They're probably like still hanging out with high school kids and they're like or they're probably well, I guess they're too old for that now, but I feel like they they just stay in high school forever and they kind of always are.
Yeah.
I don't know what I'm trying to say.
My high school didn't have sports, so it's just funny to hear what you thought was cool for me. I thought you were cool when you start having sex. And that's how we lost all the time, me and my best friend the third friend.
Wait, that's how Wait your school didn't have sports?
Posted to go do uh?
Edward Armorrow High School, it was like an arts rocket, like art high school.
Is our private school?
No, it was that private. It was public.
But did you go to an art school, Like, did you choose it or was that just the one that you decided?
I was so and forward and they had like a TV production class, and I knew I wanted to work in that.
Oh my god, I would have loved to go to a school without sports. Are you kidding me?
This is like the majors and stuff.
You didn't have to go to gym, Like you didn't have pe.
We had pe like it was a part of the schedule. But you know, I just took yoga and we got to sleep yoga.
A nonsports school must be hilarious.
Yeah, we didn't have officials sports team awesome, So it cool meant whoever was having sex? Yeah, so you know how you you asked me if we lost a friend to coolness. It was always like when the third girl ended up having a boyfriend, then they had sex, and then she was like she out cooled us.
What's the third girl mean?
Cause I had like one very close friend growing up, like up to the end of high school, so she was my best friend.
And then you would have a rotating third girl that would always come in of her and.
Leave having had sex.
I say slut jokingly because we thought anyone that did anything with boys, we just that they were a slut in that.
She was smirched, defiled.
Yeah she had Yeah, that was what I lost my friends too as well is sex and boys. And yeah, it was just like four or five years behind that, Like I would have thrived go, I would have been like boy crazy. I was maybe boy crazy in my thirties is when I became like a kind of boy crazy in a high school type way. But in high school, boys coming along was just like, get the fuck out of here, man, Like you're making all my friends act
like assholes. Yeah, and their voices get all weird and they get stupider, and they get like gigly, and they all act like they're high when they're around boys, and they just act dumb and we can't be gross and they're just distracted and they won't go down on me anymore.
And so.
I really just felt like guys were I liked boys, and I liked being around them because I liked their sense of humor, and I liked if I had crushes, but I was not, like I just didn't. It just ruined my girlfriendships. Men ruined everything. It was so good until we started caring about what boys thought about us, and then it's been all down till from there.
Sort of like what Penn fifteen is about.
Yeah, it really is like one of them maturing before the other one and the other one feeling really left behind. I think that's a very normal experience.
But now.
But now, yeah, I mean it's now all your friends. Now all my friends are married and have kids or are having kids. So it's all coming to fruition, the thing that the quest they started pursuing in high school is coming to a close, and they have reached everest. They have reached I've had three friends get married in the past year. Yes, that is a good name. That would be a great name. So they've summitted, and they're on the way back down and some of them I
die along way. No, they're all they all summoned, and I am at the bottom. I'm at the base camp, hanging out eating chili in the cabin, waiting for them to come back down and hang out with me.
But the yeah, but the yeah.
You start out in high school liking boys and then dating boys, and then it's all climbed to like someday one will choose me to own me.
And then you have a then you and then you have kids, and then you have kids and then you.
Raise those kids and all the effort goes into them and then they abandon you because they need their own lives and they start resenting you, and like, no matter how good of a parent you are, eventually your kids will reach a level where they want literally nothing to do with you.
And that has got to be the.
One of the most heartbreaking moments of anyone's life is having a fifteen year old daughter who hates the fucking side of you and you have just just ten years ago you were everything to her and now she literally hates you and tells you that that's gonna be hard. And then they leave, and then you've gotten Then hopefully you have some hobbies that you can put yourself back into. But I know a lot of people get lost in the kid thing and then their kids go off and
they don't know what to do anymore. And that's usually when they divorce because they are for the first time see their husband for the first time and go, what the fuck is this guy? Like they've been distracted chasing kids around?
Yeah, and then they get.
Divorced or the husband, you know, start seeing someone and they just pretend to ignore it and get.
Into this guard seeing or somebody you're too busy, yeah exactly, Or you just didn't care, You're like, good, I don't want to fuck them anyway you do it, yeah, and then and.
Then you can't like like, that's why a lot of Hollywood couples, I think divorce is because the woman knows her husband's cheating on her, and it's like a tacit agreement of like, don't ask, don't tell. But then he gets sloppy, and then she has to make like a whole presentation of it for everyone and be like, we're divorcing. I feel betrayed even though she knew.
You know.
I think that happens a lot more than you think. But then then that's when the grandmothers start begging for grandkids because they want want to do it again. That's what they want. They want it so bad, and doing it as a grandparent is easier because you just come in.
It's ever on, Yeah, little kid date.
Yeah. So I think that's the cycle life.
I really don't want to know what I'm gonna do though, when you know, when I when my parents die, or like you know, my niece and nephew don't care like I have certain things in my life where I'm like, okay, I feel important and loved unconditionally I get why people get married. I get white people have kids. You need to feel like you matter, like more than just your career, more than just for me, like fans or something, you know,
like what my only fans. You need to feel like you need to feel some other like that you're loved in a deep way that it's like unconditional, like not based on stuff. And so that's my parents, and that's my niece and nephew, but they're eventually my niece nephew unt can give a shit about me, and my parents.
Will be dead.
And that's where I'll worry about myself. But I'm I'm I'm preparing for that. That's where you get a husband.
Husband and friends. You shared a video one time on Instagram of the of an interview with this childless woman rights activist interview or something like that, and I want and then there's a whole podcast. I forgot what it's called, but it's about there's two women who are child free and they interview other women who are child free. And you shared this clip of this woman and she said, and I listened to the.
End, urreat forgot what did she say?
Well, she said that you know she's in her eighties now, she's seen a lot of people come and go. And one of the major concerns that people have when they decide not to have children is when I'm on my deathbed, when I'm too sick and frail to take care of myself, Who's going to take care of me if I don't have children. Who's gonna come visit me? If I don't have children? And she says she's seen dozens, dozens of people on their deathbed, and you know who doesn't come
visit them? They're kids. You know who does. You know who's checking up on them. You know who's asking the doctors questions. You know who's bringing them flowers and bringing them lunch. They're friends. You need to have friends, have friends of all ages, and they will take care of you way more than your kids might.
Okay, I gotta make some young friends.
Yeah, sometimes you just feel older friends or older friends, but they got to pay it forward.
Yeah, you got to be proactive.
That's the thing is like, I don't think I want to take care of some old person right now, but.
You're not taking care of them. You're just part of a team of friends who's like, let me go check in on them check in on.
Yeah, bring some soup, right, some callous I would you know, carve some calluses off an old woman's foot, Sign me up for that. Sure, go rub some bunions or do that. Okay, yeah, that's good. You just got to keep friends. But then your friends have kids and then they don't have time.
But by when you're old, when you're old enough, then they don't that they're not taking care of their kids anymore. Okay, when you're when you're at that age where you need to be taken care of, having a robust friends group is really if you don't have kids, is the most important.
Thing, okay, or if you do have kids, some.
Of the most need Yeah, you need friends too. We have friends here like all like three different generations. I have friends who are younger. I have friends who are like twenty years older than me, and the older friends everyone's like, if you ever need a babysitter, if you ever want to drop your kid off somewhere, they're offering us.
So it's only sweet friends in a place that you just moved to not that long ago.
It's really impressive.
Noah, I feel so lucky.
Yeah you you are. Okay, we're gonna take a break. I'm gonna go get some young friends and we'll be back after this.
All right, we're back. What did you guys do with your day today?
In between or we have friends? One of my friends just happened to be in the neighborhood and he stopped by and we watched the end of the women's Final four Cane Yukon versus Iowa and no schooler alert. But Caitlyn Clark lost. I heard, very unfortunate for her, but you know, Yukon was a good team, and.
Is she a senior?
Wait? Was Yukon? No? I'm sorry, not no, wasn't Kon? South Carolina? Sorry, that's right. South Carolina defeated and it's pretty cool. They went thirty eight no, which is pretty cool. But I feel bad for Caitlyn Clark, who's now lost twice in the national championship. Devastat.
She's gonna go onto great things, She's but she.
She can go on to great things. It's almost like anything. I don't know, I might be speaking out of turn, but it sort of feels like the entire world's gaze was upon Caitlyn Clark in this tournament, and it feels like anything she might accomplish in the WNBA will not be as visible as what she was doing during the Final four during March Madness.
She's a senior. Is this over for this?
Is it? It's over for her?
She will never have an.
Opportunity she do a fifty year senior kind of thing. Do some people do that?
I don't think she's eligible. She's going into the draft and she's gonna be on the Indiana fever.
And oh that's exciting for you.
I don't care about Indiana basketball. I actually that's the one Indiana thing I don't.
Well, people be excited to watch her play. That's what you're saying that you don't think it will matter. Why is it so exciting now at the college level, and it won't be exciting to watch her play.
There's just something about I mean, do you hear anybody talking about the w NBA playoffs?
No, but maybe I wouldn't hear anyone talk about the girls' NC.
Double A until now, well, just the last few years, the Women's NC Double A has been filled with these characters and stars, and it's been very competitive with rivalries and one of the greatest, probably three of the greatest, Uh you know, players to play in one of maybe all time, and so it's just been super exciting. And the w NBA has better players than the players in the currently in March madness, but no one seems to
care about what's going on in WNBA at all. Can you even name like five teams in the w NBA?
Probably not, no, And I'm not It's like the same with the Kevin Hart movie thing.
I'm not ashamed.
It's not what I shouldn't have to know that I don't care about basketball, you know, But yes, I can name male basketball teams.
I think how many do you think you can name?
Probably five easily, Miami Heat, Pacers, Pistons, yeah, wow, Bulls, yeah, jazz.
Yeah. You could also just randomly selected words.
You could just name animals.
Yeah.
But it's like the Bill Burd joke where he's like, well, women are so mad that you're women. Women's sports don't get attention. Why aren't you watching this ship?
Was that his point?
It was like, no one, you're not watching it either, bitches, which I loved. It was like, yeah, we're not. We can't get mad that like no one watches women. It's like we don't do it either.
Although there's a girl in high school who is going viral right now because she is dunking and she's like with ease. She's dunking and she's not even that tall. She just has ups, So that's pretty exciting.
I mean, just like a good vertical or whatever.
Up. She got a good vertical. She can jump really high and dunk the ball, which is something you don't see very often in women's basketball. And it just feels like, as with all sports, men's and women's, does the athletes progress and somehow over time they just become more athletic than they were the generation before.
It's like in comedy too, like people just become so much funnier than fifty years or thirty years ago, twenty years ago. Like it's just it's just we just evolved, and we're evolving quickly.
Before I believe that people were like thought Tim Allen was funny. The bar was so low Tim Allen, WHOA, that's hilarious that noise.
Hunt and women.
I mean, I do think he had comedic talent for sure, like there was something to be had back then, but it was so so much lower.
Yeahs a cabin in. Actually, I'll save this for Diamond Players Club. Remind me to talk shit about Tim Allen.
Yeah, I feel like you've a bone to pick.
I've got a bone to pick with this guy.
There is an example recently of someone talking out about someone and saying that they were not pleasant to work with, and then I go, No, that that's you. That's I've been harboring. You're I've been You're the name I know, You're the top of my list if I ever talk about why does this person work, even though I've heard documentation that they're not fun to work with?
How are you calling someone out? But then you realize that those who teach? Is that the thing?
Like, No, that's the that's like those who those who can't teach.
No, you you hate that which you are.
Like the other day, Anya like hated this guy's shape of his.
Head and she was like, I just hate the way his head is shaped. She was really bad about his head.
I was like, what's going on?
She was like, And then I realized it's because that's the way my head is shaped.
And I hated it.
I was like, oh, so I think that it's yeah, and I've probably been unpleasant to people, and I'm I'm a big call out person of like that person sucks to work with. And I'm sure that there are people that have encountered me at times where I just wasn't aware that I was being a dick and it seemed like the worst behavior so hard. Yeah, that story could
come out. They even though those are my girls and I love them, they could say, like one time Nikki was like, sorry, my pussy stinks and like pulled up her pants and was like, honestly, it was a little aggressive and she didn't really seem that sorry. Like they
could just check my tone or whatever. And the stories I've heard about the people I know that are unpleasant could just be hearsay and it could just be one person experience, except that I've heard it from multiple people in different shows.
So who's to say. Who's to say?
But yeah, I'm gonna be pleasant on set this week, That's all I know. I'm gonna have a good time. I'm gonna appreciate even though it's a serious week.
So when will you get to say?
I think when it becomes announced like what it is, and once they can't take the money, once the checks have been cashed and they can't take it away from me.
And when's your special?
I can't say, Ah.
What the fuck? Really, dude?
Still, but you did you did you see the trailer for it? You saw the trailer, right?
I saw the trailer, Okay.
I so I didn't want to watch the trailer because I don't like watching myself. And I'm just like, so tired of seeing that special, even though it's awesome and I've heard good reports from everyone that watches it, and I also was proud of it at a couple of points, even though it was very hard for me. Even if it was perfect, I would still hate it. That's the way I view myself. I get this trailer and I'm like, I don't have to watch it because I heard Brian
loves it. I heard Chris loves it. I heard everyone like everyone HBO loves it. Let's just run it, you know. And I was like, I don't even need to watch it, and then Chris was like, maybe just watch it. I am so glad I fucking did good because there is a vagina joke within seconds of it starting, and I'm like, if you we can't do this, we can't. People already
hate female comics talking about their vagina. You cannot in the trailer, Like, I can't even like this is going to be seen more than My Special one hundred percent more like at least one hundred percent more this trailer. And what this will come with that HBO you know or Max does not have is comments my trailer. Anytime that anyone watches it, they will be able to see comments.
If there is a vagina joke front center, which I do talk about my vagina in the special fuck you uh, but if dumb people are not gonna watch My Special right right, Like, but dumb people are gonna watch the trailer, and what will they say, Oh, this is all the women talk about, can't they talk about anything else? Like it would be the worst comment section you've ever seen, And then people that actually like me would slowly start to feel that way about me, even though these idiots
are the ones that are like setting the tone. Because so when I saw the vagina joke, I just screamed and I was like, no, like, it's that's the worst thing. And they were well intentioned to doing it because they're proud of me, and the joke is hilarious and it
would be great in the trailer. I wish I could put it in, but people are too ignorant, people are too myopic when they think about women doing stand up, and they already hate us and they don't want us to have a microphone, so they have to like make what we do. They have to belittle it and say that, you know, we're one note. So I just can't have that.
Yeah, no, really good point. I did not think that at all. I uh, and I should have No, it's okay. No, I had a note I think was addressed.
No, I thought you're I think your note was good. I think your note was good.
There was a there were a lot of notes I had for it, but it's it was good.
It was a good trailer.
If the person that's making it is listening, I wanted you to know, like you did a really good job. It's just I have to pay attention to these extra things in considering what people are going to make fun of, because the trailer is literally more important than the special.
I hate to say it.
Like the poster is sometimes more important than special, Like if you work in ad sales or like key art for these things, like you are doing the lord's work because the special is so important, so much effort went into it.
But more people are going to see the fucking poster. Yeah, and that is not the way it used to be.
That's how it was for the Netflix show I was on or I ran, and the trailer was almost like better than the show. Honestly, it was an excellent trailer. Netflix doesn't trailer could be so good. Yeah, a lot of movies their trailers are better than the movie.
Oh yeah, the you know.
I've said it before, but one of my favorite movie is the Social Network trailer.
It's the best short film I've ever seen in my life.
Yeah, it's so good. I watch it a lot. I love good trailers. I would take any recommendations from busties. By the way, shout out to besties who gave me nineteen seventy five songs to get into great. So many wrote to me, somebody else is amazing. There was another what did I add? Somebody else was a recommendation that a lot gave to me that were like, this is
just a classic, you gotta do it. And then right, yeah, two time, two time, two time, two time, two time, and then another song that no one recommended but I just got into. And so nineteen seventy five fans, I want to know if you would recommend the song because it's one.
Of my favorites. Chocolate is really good, So thank you for those recks.
I really do appreciate when besties like follow up with stuff that I ask for specifically. So we do want to hear if you have an OnlyFans experience.
Yeah, I really want to know if you're making money or if it is like what you say and it's like, oh, it's actually kind of sad you're not making money anymore. It's not like it used to be. You just kind of put yourself out there and you don't get any feedback and it sucks. Yeah, I because that's the saddest.
Thing of all OnlyFans is only positive feedback where there's not like a lot of like people making fun of you, like I think, like.
Because you have to know what the negative feedback is. Not getting any feedback is you post a picture and it gets no likes or no comments or no tips, and you're just like, what am I doing this for? That's the sad thing. Oh God, it's like you do the thing that you think is like automatic payday. I'm putting myself out there, I'm taking the risk. I'm going down the quote unquote shameful route and then to not get the payoff man.
I sent it uh a nude the other night to my man, and right before I went on stage, I was just like alone in my green room, and you know, I'm gussied up as much as I'll ever guss up, and I just usually just like take a tit out and take a picture.
You know.
It's like it's always funny to just have a full, put together look, but then you just pull your shirt down enough that you're like, oh, it just slipped out.
Like it's I think that's always kind of a sexy, fun look.
It's funny too, so you like have that going for you if it ever leaks. It's like if your tit starts leaking on camera. So, uh, I sent it and then I went on stage and I come off stage. Nothing back. But it's like prime time too, like right, it's like eight o'clock. So I'm like, what the fuck?
You know, and then I go, I'll go do the meet and greet. There'll be something. When I get back.
Nothing again, and so I'm just like what the f. And then I'm starting to worry because I didn't send this on the like secret messaging app that we have that like erases everything and is very encrypted or whatever or not. I don't know which one it is, but it's the safe one. I just send it on regular text. So I'm like, did this come up on like did he have it on air like air drop or like apple play or whatever, Like I don't Apple TV? Like what is he like dealing with the fallout from that picture.
Popping up while he was showing his parents pictures from Spain?
Yeah, so, but that isn't the case, he wrote back. He just I think fell asleep or something. But that that moment, that three hours of being like, first of all, is this not impressive?
Did there's no way?
You just looked at this and we're like, you know, like you gotta write something, But it is.
I talked about it before.
It is very strange when you send off like a slutty picture and then the person you're sending it to is like not horny at all, like he might have just like not been in the mood for it. And it's just like sending your friend who's nauseous in our first trimester of like a picture of a plate of spaghetti and meatballs and they're just like looh, you know, so it could have been that, but what I.
Call my picks.
Sauce it all right, Well that's our show.
Thank you guys so much for listening to these two double episodes that happened in one day. I hope you enjoyed them. We are going to be back next week. Don't you worry about it.
I'm in LA.
Come see me this weekend in New Orleans. I'm in Minneapolis on Friday night, New Orleans on Saturday night, and then Houston on Sunday night.
So much fun.
Yeah, keep sending your recommendations, keep deming us, telling us things that we should talk about or that you like, and we love.
You and see you next week. And don't be kidd hi e