The nick A Gliser Podcast.
Niki Glaser.
Here's Nikki. Hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's the Nicky Glazer Podcast. I'm coming at you from but chunga Casino live in the Inland Empire to Mecula, California. Sunday Is it Sunday? Yes, Sunday Morning. Had a show here last night, and I've got a big week ahead of me. So I'm we're doing a couple episodes ahead of time. Yeah, I'm I'm like an hour to the side of San Diego. I don't know what side. I guess it would be the east because San Diego is on the coast.
But yeah, you'd be in the Pacific.
I mean, I could be casinos are just all the Oh my god. I would just have to do that gig and then no other gigs because I would pay so much.
They would pay you forty yeah.
Like what Chappelle gets for one Netflix special. How are you guys where you're I was in Arizona, pregnant as hell. Yeah, I had a baby shower yesterday. You're gonna say I had a baby yesterday? Your baby shower yesterday? Yeah? Oh my god? How was it? Like? Who came like, do you friends in Arizona? Yeah? You do? Actually, yeah, I have friends. When you met in that parking lot the first day you met, moved there the parking lot friends.
So they held the party for me, which was great because my friend Gail, she was like, you don't have to think of anything, don't worry about it.
You don't have to get anything. We plan this for you. So I just got to show up, which was nice. That's so nice. Yeah, and then I had a couple of friends from jiu jitsu come, that's so freaking nice that you didn't have to do anything, so you just showed up. Was it? Did they like have penis cupcakes or I guess that's not for that's for weddings, that's for we have What were the games? So we did play some games.
The first one was you have to create a bait like as many girl baby names because we're having a girl out of the phrase Noah and Avi are having a baby, and whoever makes the most wins And then the next game was with the yarn, like whoever can get the yarn as close like around my stomach the length of it by guessing wins.
So just to make you feel real fat.
O my god, Yes, was there a weight guessing game or no?
No, no weight guessing, but you guys can guess how much weight? No, I'm just kidding. I mean it's okay. That's the only time where it's okay to be like talk about your friends gaining weight is when they're pregnant. You can like acknowledge it because it's just it is the truth, and they're carrying a baby, so they should be gaining weight to be weird if they didn't, I know.
But everyone has their own special way of letting me know that I've gained weight.
Oh it's a little bit annoying, Like what do we Let's talk about the different ways.
Okay, well, you know one of them is just like glaring at my stomach and like saying how much I've changed and grown?
And oh, you're like not emotionally because you're just that's not what they're talking physicoutly. You're just so emotionally present and you're like sobbing because you're fat. No. Yeah, so they're just, oh, you've grown so much. That's such bullshit. No woman wants to hear she's grown at all.
No ever.
Other the other one is talking about like the height of my stomach.
The height like if you lay on the ground flat.
Just while I'm standing looking at the shelves at CVS, so someone.
Said that you're the height of your the you mean like the width?
No, So it's like how high my big stomach is because according to the weak that I am. So everyone has their opinion of where my stomach should be.
Is it annoying to go out very pregnant because everyone has to comment on it. It's like whatever I walk, I want me to compare it to this. But it's truly. Whenever you carry an instrument onto a plane, and it's obviously an instrument, I would say eight out of ten times, someone either in the front steatet a passenger or the flight attendant will say, are you going to entertain us? And it is without question eight out of ten times that will happen. Oh my gosh, it's yeah. So do
the people ask you to entertain them when it's pregnant? Yeah, that's essentially what they're doing. Will you entertain me for a second so I can talk to you about what my experience was with pregnancy or yeah, just project all the shit that I am felt about it onto you. And usually they're like in the depths of raising a teenager, so they resent their child so much, so they're just
like they're only going to have a negative perspective. Do a lot of people give you positive ones, like, oh, I remember it was so fun.
I have to just remember that whoever makes a comment is usually you know, like they're they're smiling and stuff. It's not it's not like anything negative. I have to just remember they're coming from a good place. They're trying to relate to me through their experience, like you said, and I just have to just kind of.
Like, you have a baby in there.
Well I haven't. I haven't gotten that. But it is interesting because I do have one person in my life who doesn't have a close relationship with her kids.
So her.
Expressions to me are a little bit kind of like negative. So I have to try to figure out how to like cut the conversation. Okay, Like the last thing was just talking about, you know, we're probably just gonna have one kid. But she was saying how her Oh god, I hope she never hears this.
But I hope.
So she was saying how her daughter was telling her how like you know, she she regrets being an only child and this and that, and I'm just like, Okay, she was a kid. She she didn't know this, you know, so just kind of going off about that and then.
Just how her dumb ass. My mom was a principal for thirty five years, and I asked her this. I asked her, did you notice if there was a difference between kids who were only children and kids who were siblings in terms of how they were raised, what students they were. And she said, over my thirty years of teaching, I can honestly say that without a doubt, the only
children were superior to the ones that had siblings. They were always better, well behaved, they always got better grades, They were better students, they were kinder, they were more attentive. And that's what you get when you have two parents who were able to give full attention to one child as opposed to, you know, letting them beat the shit out of each other on the bus like me and my brother did. Hmmm.
The one thing I hear about only kids is that they wish they had someone to talk about how crazy their parents were with, like to talk about their experience. But if you just if I had an only kid, I would just make sure that they had a place to bitch about me, you know, like I want people to pross us how annoying I am that either have to work with me, or have to be friends with me, or have to date me, or have to be my mom or dad. Like I don't want anyone to just
struggle with that alone. Like that's why when Chris, like Chris doesn't have anyone that he like that I know of that he really talks to about how like tough it can be dating me, Like he doesn't invent that to anyone, or at least he used to not. And then I was like, you need that, Like you need to call me a bitch to someone on a golf course, Like I want that for you because I am a bitch sometimes, and like I want you to be able
to say it to someone. And and even even if that person then has a negative view of me, that.
Is so.
You know, just charged from just all of this information that is only coming from a spiteful place and they're not hearing my side of things. I don't really give a fuck what that guy thinks, Like I don't you should have an outlet for these for me to be just villainized to someone.
Does he has empty coffee can that he screams into.
You would never do that. He hates coffee, he hates
the smell of it. He needs Yeah, like you need to complain about me, like you need to tell Like even when I would catch my sister and my mom complaining about me, and I would like hear it in the laundry room and I would be behind a wall, like it didn't bother me because I just I want someone to be able to because I know what it means to get it off my chest when I complain about someone really viciously without any empathy or like care that Yeah, just you just need to get it out.
I want people to be able to call me that like, to talk to vent about me behind my back. Maybe it's because I have the old thing of like, if I'm allowed to do it, they should be able to do it about me. Like That's kind of what I realized when I was like, people might not like me. I'm like, well, if I don't get to like, if I get to not like people, I need to be able to be someone that's not like to And I enjoy not liking people so much.
See I'm wondering how that plays into your insecurity about people you like with your Instagram posts and all that stuff.
Yeah, I just assume it's happening all the time. Maybe that's why I struggle with it, because I know it's happening because I expect it to and I want it to, so I so I think that already. I don't know, but I don't really I don't really care what people think on Instagram, though maybe I do. Maybe I'm not like I just I kind of let that one go because I don't check likes and stuff like that. I
just I don't want to look ugly on Instagram. And that's maybe for like one or two people, you know what I'm saying, Oh got or it's it's usually not for like everyone. But and then I, yeah, I don't, but I think that, Yeah, that's important. No, you'll be good. If you have an only child, you'll you'll make sure that they have space to complain about you to someone. I know you will. Yeah, she and Auvey will just be bitching about it. No, No, it can't be that. It has to be you have to find like a
cousin or a just to get them friends. They need to, you know, and the friend needs to witness you being a bitch, like they need to, Like, there needs to be someone else that experiences the annoying cards of you as a mom so that that person can have a witness because that's oftentimes like I almost yeah, I want Chris to have like footage of me to play for someone so that they can see it and know that it's not just him making.
This up least giving a cat or a hamster or something.
Yeah, oh yeah, like a dog.
Kid can look at and be like, can you believe this bitch? Yeah?
But I do think that only kids are more well behaved and just like they bet they're more mature.
Oh my god, absolutely.
Their company as adults.
My mother's my mom's husband, Dominic has a family member who is from I don't know, Sweden or something or Italy and they have an only child. And every time I see this child, I cannot believe how smart she is and how kind she is. And she just she's like eight and she talks to you like she's in college. Basically she's like, oh, Brian's good to see you again. Oh, how is your how are your teeth? You know, like shit like that, like and she's like, I'm gonna go sit.
I'm gonna go in the other room and read my books.
It's like, what the fuck that's having a little girl too.
Yeah, she's a little girl. Also, if it was a little boy, he'd probably be hitting me with a bow staff or something. I mean, yeah, for boys do I thought it was just you know, specific boys, But I'm learning pretty quickly that almost all boys are little monsters.
They really are different than girls. I mean, no, uh no, I'm sorry. Poppy just like wants to watch Taylor Swift and sometimes she wants to play house, which is exhausting. I just know I could never be a mom because I can't play. I just don't have the imagination for it or something. But she's like, I remember playing house as a kid and being very good at it, but now I just you just lose that. What is laying house? She explained it to me. I go, okay, So she
was like, Nikki, will you play house? And it's like so sad when they ask you and then you say no, which I've started doing and I see them once every three weeks and I still am like, no, will you push me on the swing? I literally said no, the other day and because I was just really comfortable sitting I just don't want to have to do everything they want and they go make your own fun. You that's why you have brothers and sisters? Yeah, why do adults
have to provide everything for you? And I know that that's My sister has never once said no to anything that they will, but ye're yeah.
I mean it's really important to have kids have their autonomy from a very young age and just learn how to entertain themselves, and no is like a very important word to teach kids.
She just went on to my mom and goes, well, you push me on this swing, and it just felt so sad that she just like gave up on me. She just took my no as a no, you know, like it wasn't like please, you know, like I love you and I want She was just like, no, Nikki's no fun. And it was just like, oh wow, I'm like, I can't believe I just said no to pushing on our swing, which is like five feet away, and I just don't want to go do it. I could continue
having the conversation that I am not even having. I was just sitting there listening to people's conversations, but I was so tied and I hadn't been with them for I'd been with them for like thirty minutes. It wasn't like it was like I'm just worn out from these kids. Yeah, but I just don't have so Anyway, she asked me to play house. This is days before, and I wasn't. I hadn't said no yet to her, so I hadn't learned the power of that. But I was like, Okay,
what's what is that? What are we going to? How do we do that? And she was like, will you be one of us is the baby, one of us is the mommy, and one of us is the Taylor Swift like she knows how to get me. And I go, okay, I'm listening. And I was like, she was like, you can be the Taylor Swift. And I was like, I can't wait to play house. This is awesome. That's all I've ever wanted. Did I tell this already?
No? So, so what's the Taylor Swift for the house?
Do sophone? Oh? I thought, like like a karaoke mic, what did you say? No?
I thought mom and Taylor Swift have an affair? Oh my god, that's what my version of playhouse.
Yeah, I don't even know what I think. She just saw the deadness in my eyes as she said one of us is the mommy, one of us is the baby, and then she added one of us as the Tailor Swift like she's trying, she's manipulating me, and she she got it because my eyes lit up and I said, okay, but I didn't want to ask for the role of Taylor Swift. She was like, you'll be Tailor Swift and I was like yes, and then she handed me a microphone. Poppy,
by the way, is four. She hands me this like microphone, this karaoke my parents have, and she goes, no, actually I want that one. And I'm like, okay, why do you need it? You're the mommy or the baby we haven't determined yet, but I haven't wasn't really listening when you gave.
Yourself well, because I think I need the better microphone.
Now, Like, why do you need to be amplified. You're just a struggling mother or a baby that can't really talk, or you know already has good acoustics because you don't have tension in your body. That's why babies are did you know that's why babies are so loud is because they carried they don't have any stress of the world yet, and stress of the world tightens your whole body, and that your muscles and your body don't reverberate as loudly.
But when babies are relaxed, like, that's why when you're singing, you need to be relaxed, because if your body's relaxed, your whole body just like vibrates with the sound wave. But when you're tense and you're singing, your body is just like screaming into a rock and so it doesn't reverberate and you sound like shit. Yeah, And that's the difference between good singers and bad singers. And that's why babies are so fucking loud because they're just relaxed wailing.
They're not like I'm embarrassed to be crying. They're just like and it's their Their bodies are like one of those little bowse speakers you buy for your shower. They're so little, but they can really make a lot of noise. So anyway, Poppy is like, you have the microphone, and then she goes, no, I want the microphone. I go okay, that's fine, I'll just use this pen or whatever as my microphone. And then she was like, actually I wanna.
I think I should be the Tailor Swift and I was like, actually, I'm not with any game where Taylor Swift is involved. I can still do this if I get to watch Tailor's So yeah, immediately, that's what Poppy does, Like she will, She'll want you to play with her. You'll do something that looks a little fun, and then she'll steal that role from you or that baby doll or whatever you're playing with, and then you end up just having to watch her play and then and be quiet.
So I then she was like, let's just you watch me be Taylor and I was like that's fine. I would that's you know, almost as good. So I watched her and then I was singing along and she said, no, you just listen, and then she was singing.
Is this good for a kid to learn? Like to that that she got control every single thing that happened.
I'm not her parent, though, this is the way she this is how she is, Okay, So I just go with the flow, like her being bossy because if you say no, I want to sing tears, crying like no, hitting like it's just not like you know, I get that they don't understand empathy, they don't understand other people have needs. I think they're supposed to around this age, and I did just say sposed, So I think they're supposed to around this age have that kind of stuff coming on, but hers isn't developing.
This is why I cannot. Once I know I would just let the kid. I would say, fine, like you can't get whatever you want all the time, and I would.
Know I would do the same thing. But until you have kids twenty four to seven and you finally give up because you can't listen to screaming anymore, so we think we would know what we do. But I'm speaking to all the parents that are listening. I know why you give in and give them the candy that they're crying about, and don't put your foot down because you will end up like hitting them or something because of
how loud and annoying they are. So it's just easier to give them the candy than to like screen.
I know that we can't hit kids, okay, of course not, we can't, but there needs to be something else that can be done to make a kid stop crying. That's that they don't like, that's not traumatizing to them. And because the other the other way you can do it is you can be like evilly manipulative also and tell them a fucked up thing that will make them upset.
Well, that's what my mom used to do, is just anytime I would because she was worried that I would run off and do things that would end up getting me hit by a car or drowning or like you know, wandering off on my own, so she would tell me everything would kill me. And you'll never see mommy and daddy again if you go outside the driveway or if you go down the street by yourself, you'll never see them again. Like it's not even like an issue of
like you might be kidnapped, you will be. So I don't recommend that, because you'll become a stand up comedian because you have entile life until someone hands you a microphone, and then you'll let all your anger out about your repressed rage at being told lies when you were a kid into a microphone.
Exactly, wouldn't it have been better if they just hit you?
I remember one time they used to like spank us gently, and I just remember being like not good. You're a pussy, Like this isn't Like I remember thinking like you could go harder and you're not, and this is just embarrassing and kind of like sexual, Like there's something about it, like on your butt too, that is like it's not good to spank kids on their butt, especially little girls,
like you're bent over. There's something. I couldn't place it in my head when I was little, but like that's my no no area and you're like hitting me in it. Your butt is your bathing suit area. It's like where people aren't supposed touch you. You're told that, and then your dad's banking you on it while you're over his knee, like I didn't. I haven't seen porn at that point in my life, but I would in the future. And that is one hundred percent of porny thing to do.
And it's not like I'm calling my dad porn. Like most parents, that's how they spank their kids is on the butt. I think it's gross to do. I don't like it. And one time my dad almost hit me as a teenager, and and I was old enough to know that, Like I think I probably told this on the podcast before, but I was just like, do it. I go. If you do it, Dad, everything will change. And I could tell he wanted to so bad, just slap me in the face, because I fucking deserved it too.
I was being, you know, the most petulant. I already I knew what I was doing. I deserved to be hit. If I hadn't been hit, we'd be fine. But I said, Dad, everything will change out to this, I'll never ever respect you again. Like I went even harder, and I could see him just like y and he didn't do it. And then god he didn't because I really think it would have changed everything. Your parents hitting your face.
No, it's not good. I don't advocate it at all. No, but I do have a solution, I think. Okay, you should have.
Wait, we had to go to break. Come back with your solution after the break. Hold on to it. Okay, we'll be back right after this with Brian's solution to not hitting your kids. All right, we're back, Brian, What do you do instead of hit your kids?
In the house and maybe every room of the house, there should be a life size replica of the child, and when the child acts out, you should beat the shit out of that replica. Yeah, and then the child's like, no, my effigy, and maybe that will send the message.
Yeah, there was some you know what, Okay, it's not it's obviously a joke idea because that would be harming to the child because it would be representing them and you would see your parents' rage coming out and it just wouldn't be good. But I will say that there was like some kind of TikTok video where it was like the kids were supposed to clean the room and they didn't, so the dad was throwing the toys in the fireplace. But they were like it wasn't real or whatever,
but the kids thought it was real. And I remember reading the comments and hearing that that's very harmful that that person like your father doesn't respect your thing or things that represent who you are and make you happy, and like that's not a way to punish kids who the fuck knows, No.
I mean not joke solutions. What if it's rewards based. So you have a jar of money or candy or whatever, and it's in the it's on display in the kitchen, and every time you at the end of the week, you get whatever's in the jar. But every time you do something wrong, a little piece gets taken out and thrown.
In the better. Okay, well, let me just tell you what would happen with Arlo and Poppy with that happening.
Yeh, that's what would happen.
If you took out something for things wailing.
Don't you think they'd learn eventually?
So Poppy is apped, give me that microphone, here's yours. You also, when I would sing along, stop singing, and I go, what songs do you know? And she can't really come off at any off the top of her head, but she literally knows every Taylor Swift song that I know, And so I go, do you want to put on eras? And we can sing too, And then that's what we did, and it was the best time I've ever had in my life. I just sat there and watched Poppy sing
two eras into a fake microphone that's amplified. But she's like hurting the mic, like deep throating the microphone. Sorry to put that image into it with a four year old, but she's literally has sucking on the microphone, ruining it as it's on, singing Taylor Swift into the microphone, and then she sounded like really good, especially when she was like relaxed and wasn't focused on me watching her, which is what I've learned in singing lessons is when you're relaxed,
you sound better. And so, but she was really quiet. You could tell she like didn't have a lot of confidence in her voice, and I was like poppy, like, I go, that sounds actually really good. And then she would get like a little bit like louder, and then I was I go yeah, oh yeah, Like she would hit a note and I go yeah, and then she goes stop saying yeah. So what just is like yelling at me to stop singing? Stop saying yeah. You just
watch easiest game of house I've ever played. So I'm just sitting in this lazy boy chair, lean back, filming her, watching her sing. And then I was like sing louder, and then I just started being dance mom. I was like, no, I'm actually gonna like I don't care if you're telling me that I shouldn't coach you, because you are really
good and I believe in you. And I was doing exactly what I would have wanted someone to do when I sang when I was little, because I also had a good voice when I was little, but whenever my dad would be like that, zunds great, Nick, I would get really nervous. And then the pressure was suddenly on and I knew everyone was now listening and like making sure I was great because my dad just said I
was great. And if now if I'm not great, I'm like, there's nothing worse than someone being like, oh my god, that was a really good impression. You just did do it again, and then I do it again and people are kind of like waiting for it to be good. That is like, my fucking That's why I hate improv. It's like on the spot and people are expecting something of you. If I have a plan, then I know it's gonna go well. But if there's no plan, fuck that, dude,
I can't handle it. So instead I was like, Poppy, that sounds really good. Oh my god. And then even if it didn't sound good, I just kept saying it sounded good, So there was I didn't allow myself to be like, no, go back to the way you were
doing it. And then by the end of it, she was like hitting all of these notes and yes, I posted it on my Instagram and I did get notes of like, hey, you shouldn't have a little girl sing that song because she was like, in the middle of the night in my dreams, you should see the things we do, baby, And I'm like, you know what she could be talking about, like they are jumping fences and breaking in and like, you know, getting a candy jar. That could be the things you're doing in the middle
of the night. Like it could be like we're doing bad things. Like it doesn't have to be sexual.
No, they made it sexual.
Yeah, yeah and so and that's like the most sexual song of Taylor song gets like what can we just please have it? But anyway, I told I walked into the kitchen and I said, Lauren, this Childi's singing lessons. We need to start her now. Like I think I want her to be a singer. I mean, I think she wants to be a singer. I meant to say it the other way. I think this is her deep
desires to be a famous singer. And my sister goes, it's a little young for to start singing lessons and I go, okay, I go I'll pay for and she was like she was like, I don't know, what does she want to And then I kind of just the conversation changed, and then later on Lauren was like, and Poppy's doing dance again, and I go, is isn't for too young to start dancing? I like, god, bitchy, I was like, isn't for too young to play soccer? Isn't for too young to do tumbling?
Like?
Why can't she sing? To Like? She likes singing, she's good at it, And I hate to like make her my child or my little project, but I know that she likes it, and I know that she loves Taylor Swift and she could be Taylor Swift if we get in early. And I don't want to make it, doesn't want to be, but I am going to pay for her lessons.
Since since you're doing it, you understand like the value of starting her so young, Yes, and that will get her some discipline, like through music.
And confidence, and she is she is really good. And if you learn to sing at that age, it's just a gift that will go through the rest of your life. And so much of singing as I've learned, and I know that she likes singing as much as I did at that age. If you have any moment of feeling like you're not a good singer at a formidable age. You will not You'll struggle the rest of your life to get it back. It's like you get broken really young.
Your spirit can be broken so early with the smallest little thing, and then you won't And it's just a And singing is your voice, and especially for little girls, like even if your daughter. I would recommend singing to anyone who has small kids, because it's teaching you how to be loud and heard, even if you suck. And I would recommend kids getting in some kind of choir. I think that's like just as good as like learning
how to use your body and express with dancing. Why do all little girls do dancing, which is a focus on your body that's in a leotard where you look sheer leggings perform like you know, which is important to use your body. But what about voice? Let's get kids singing? Yeah, but anyway, I still don't want kids. And it was fun to playhouse. And I love my niece and nephew so desperately I can't even stand it, and I'm so fused for them. I always just yeah, nephews. Well, I'm
still on the fence about forest. Forest is just now he's amazing he's the one that sees ghosts. Did I tell you guys that that he sees ghosts? No, he says ghosts. Well, the thing is, he started pointing out ghosts, and we don't know where he learned about ghosts, Like my sister can't identify where he saw a ghost and was like, that's a ghost, and now I'm going to point out ghosts. We think he just might be able to see some kind of dead people, which but he's
not scared of them. And what we do now is just go are there ghosts here? And he goes no ghosts? Like he just he'll he'll very he'll confirm yes or no ghosts, as if it's like is you know, is the water is the room flooding? Like he's just like no, yeah, he's two years old. No guests, yeah too.
The spirits of his past life. Actually there are people he used to say that. I interviewed a couple of people who talked about when you're a young baby, you still are connected to your past lives and you sometimes retain memories, but they fade away over time because you're kind.
Attention, Like your body is like receptive to all things because of that, like your muscles aren't just like, oh, I gotta get up on Monday and go to that thing and I have to send that email. Like you're not filled like a You're not like an old tree that's just like battered and bruised and stiff and like kind of creaking in the wind. You're just like a flowy bugs. Yeah, you're like still, you're like a sponge and you're just like malleable and and open and easy
and damp and smelly. God, kids are just they just they don't smell because they all smell really good, but they just are so sticky. You know, you just can't wear nothing you wear around them will ever be nice. You can wear black and they'll get that dirty. You can wear white. I mean that's just you're fucked.
Tied.
I is maybe your safest bet because they might you know, it will look like intention.
That they put so and it was just so care.
They don't care that they have stickiness on them, so they just accrue it. You know, like when you get we all get stuff sticky on us and then we wipe it off because they're like yuck. But the kids aren't just like they're not aware of like feeling things.
Be older. That's what I say to children, Well, be older.
Well here's the thing about ghost kid. I was getting on a plane a couple of weeks ago, and I was like having anxiety about it. There was just some I guess. I was really depressed that morning and I said on girls' chet that I hope my plane crashes. So that was probably started. It was that, Like I literally earlier that morning was so depressed. I wanted my plane to crash, and I literally was like tempting fate by saying, like, please God, crash my plane. You put
it out into the universe. Yeah, I put it out there, which you know, I believe in manifestation, but at the moment, I really did want it to crash. I'm sorry for everyone else on that plane. I wasn't thinking of you. I was in a really bad state. But I did put it out in the universe. And then later that day I like wasn't in the mood to die anymore. Like I by the time the plane was like at
the airport, I was like, Okay, things are better. You know, I'd had enough caffeine, I'd smoked a little weed, like I had, Like things just seemed okay, Like on the up and up, and but then the weed I think was making me a little bit like overly sensitive to like feelings of dread. And then I was starting to ruminate on oh my God, I put that out on the air, and so I was like talking to God, like please, I don't want my plane to crash. But I was just having a sense of like this isn't good,
like you shouldn't get on this plane. And I don't know what. I've had that sense a little bit in my life, but I've I've never I know that there's some people that have it when they get on a plane and then they go like I gotta get off this plane, and it's just the plane ever crashes. It's just like your anxiety, Like we all have that feeling at some point where this isn't right. I'm not gonna
but you don't. You can't really there's no evidence for it, right, Like if I saw like the wing wobbling off, yes, get off the plane. If the door seems like it's gonna fall off, get off the plane. If there's someone who is actively talking about hijacking plane, get off. But like when you're just having a spidey sense, I can't be one of those people that gets off a plane because I'm just like, I don't know, I just have
a feeling. No, I am not that person. I'd rather die than be that person because you let in, they're going to always intercept my life.
Yes that's true. But man, if you're on that plane, you have a feeling, you say, I'm staying on and then it crashes.
I had to show that night. I didn't have an option. I would have had to get on the next plane, and then what if that plane crashes? Like what if God's you know, like ironic, right, So I just couldn't. So anyway, I'm on this plane and I'm like I'm then they go, this is a very It's gonna be an empty flight, folks. So there should be no one in any middle seat. No one needs to be in the middle seat.
This is something people will die if this plane.
Yeah, this isn't going to really it'll make the news. Will it make an impact? Will it be remembered by its flight number in casual conversation? No, do you ever do that with your flight number where you're like, this sounds like a famous flight number. Does anyone do that where like if your flight is like flight four seventeen,
like United flight for seventeen. You're like, oh my god, that kind of sounds like a famous tragic flight as opposed to like four twelve doesn't like always lands, like think about the flights that have gone down, like boat, like American Airline seventy seven, like or whatever, like it just nine flight seventy seven or what's the one that went down? Like they just always sound famous and this is all just in my head, and they.
Sound famous now because they've been made famous.
Right right, But sometimes there are like we're talking about my like Nicki and Sarah sounds better than Sarah and Nicky. Like sometimes a flight number just sounds catchy in a way, tragically catchy. I never saw her, but I will mar. I know. I'm sorry to make anyone get this in people said, but this is a good ending. Okay. So I'm on the plane and I'm having anxiety. I'm like, oh my god, you idiot, like you're having thoughts that
this is going to go down. You fly all the time, and you never get that, you don't you rarely, I would say one in two hundred flights. I'm like, I'm kind of nervous about this flight for some reason, and it never has happened. But so I'm on the flight, and then my sister. Oh, So then they go, there's no middle seats on this flight. Everyone should be a aisle or window. I'm in the very front of the plane because if the plane goes down, I just want
to die quickly. I don't want to be in the back where I'm just like kind of like writhing around.
You.
If you ever are in a plane crash, you have a better chance of surviving the back, but you know you're not going to. So it's like I would just sit in the front mostly if you're ever scared about dying, because it'll be quicker. So I so I'm sitting in the front. A guy's on already on the aisle. I get the window seats, so like we're good. The second they say there's no middle seats, a woman plops down in our middle seat and is like, I almost didn't
make it. They are the security and that she's she's talking right away. So I'm putting in my earpod AirPods, putting down my eyemask, like I'm not talking to this insane woman. She starts going and they got the flight number wrong. They keep saying for seventeen, but it's not
it's five thirty two. I don't know why they're saying the wrong and so I'm starting to be like what and then I go, well, let me look at is this a Is this one of those airmaxs seven or eights that are the ones that everyone say are bad,
which they aren't. Really, It's like, this is just the chances of dying in a plane crash, even in one of those that you know, there's been a slightly more things going on with those, it's still you have a better chance of dying falling off a balcony when you're hanging out at a party or something.
Especially if the balcony was made by Airmax bowing. Sorry, did you.
There was a really funny thing I got to do a shout out on The Daily Show. John Stewart was hosting what he did. He was talking about what wait, oh.
You're shouting out the Daily Show.
Yeah, I'm sotting out like a really funny thing that I saw Jordan Klepper. John Stuart was talking to Jordan Clepper about like, hey, you've got great shows this week, Jordan, because you know, John only does Monday and Jordan was going to do the rest of the week. And so Jordan's like, yeah, actually, I'm not going to be here.
I'm actually quitting the Daily Show and I'm going onto something bigger, And it sounded like it was actually happening, and John's like, wait what, and everyone's like the audience is kind of He's like, I am, I'm going to go off and I'm going to be the CEO of Boeing. And John's like, well, do you have any experience in engineering or aeronautical like technicians even like business And he's like no, But I went to the interview and I
brought this. He had, like a big wrench and John and John's like what he goes and they saw this and they go, that is exactly what we've been looking for. It was just such a funny line that that's what they're looking for. Is this is just a big, like kind of cartoonish wrench anyway, Okay, So then I go, waitet, maybe I'm on a Max seven or eight. So I look for the pamphlet in front of in the pocket where the barf bag is to go like, what is
this plane model? And my my thing is missing, the whole the whole fold, that little folder thing, yeah, everything, And then I look in the woman's pocket. Now it's gonna get hers. But then that would spark up a conversation with her, so I'm like, okay, so now I'm not even allowed to know if this is an Air seven or Aramax eight. And also, like on her card, it was just below it, so I couldn't read it. So I'm like, oh my god, this is God fucking with me, like he's letting me know, get off this
plane or whatever my version of God is. And I'm starting to panic. And then here's the clincher. My sister texts me a video of Forest and she goes, NICKI, he just started talking about you, like out of the blue. And so she sends me this video and Forrest, she she's in the kitchen right and she's filming because she wants to catch him just mumbling to himself in the next room. And then she goes and you just hear
him mumbling, and she goes, what'd you say? And then the camera like turns and it goes into where he's playing, and he just turns the camera and goes by Niki.
Oh my god, and she goes, what do you say?
And he goes, bye Niki and he's two you guys, like it doesn't even say it sounds like bye Naca by ying me and she goes by Nicki and he goes yeah, and she goes, where's she going? And he starts mumbling and I'm trying to make it out, like where am I going? Like does he know? And he's just he's waving to the camera and then he's waiting. She goes, he was waving out the window to you, bye bye, Nicki, And which made me feel special because he hasn't really talked about me when I'm not there before.
This is like a new thing, and that's very sweet. And I had been there the day before and I had said goodbye to him and we made kind of a thing of it, so maybe he was holding onto that like bye Niki, but it was But then I said to my I was just like, should I tell my sister that I'm having these things? And like should I check with because we haven't followed up on the ghost thing. The ghost thing happened like a month before, and I'm like, can he still see ghosts? Like is
this is this kid? Like so I said to her. I was like, ah, I was like, hey, uh, do you know, like why he's saying bye to me? Like were you guys talking about me? Were you saying bye Nikki and some And she was like no, it's just out of the blue. And I was like, okay, because I'm a little nervous. I'm on a plane that I'm having like some bad feelings about and like is is does Forrest? Can he like see I should read this conversation? I go, okay, you see the future because my sister
was so not helpful. This is so ridiculous. Okay, so hold on, let me just find it. I know this is okay, Oh my god.
Okay.
So she sends this to me. It's twelve sixteen pm March twenty second she says, he keeps talking about you by Niki Buy Nikki. It's the video. I said, oh my god, that's so cute. I wonder what he's trying to say. So this is me being like, can you tell me what he's trying to say? Because afterwards she's like, why are you saying by? And he's like, as a visa and then she goes what he does as a visit a? So he says the same mumbling thing twice.
He was trying to communicate something, but it doesn't. So it's you know when like a kid says something mumbly and you're like it could be anything, but they say the same mumbling thing twice and you're like, that needs something. Message just don't know what it is. So I said, I wonder what he's trying to say, because I'm like, can you decipher it? But I don't want to let her know what. I'm scared yet because I know my
sister like might co sign on my fear. She said, I just heard him sing the I just heard him from the other room start start saying bye Nikki. I said, Jesus, that's scary from the kid who sees ghosts, I said, And I'm about to take off on a plane. She said, haha. But he was looking out the window like he remembered seeing you leave. It's not an omen, I said, or he saw my ghost. I says, Forrest knows things we don't. Lol. I threw an lol just to be like right, I
literally did throw an that was intentional. I go, I just keep having weird things happened before this flight that make me superstitious, and this is the icing on the cake. Baby. I'm also trying to be like this is icing on the cave, like we're still joking, even though I am literally quaking in fear and like questioning getting off, even though I will not make my show if I take a later flight. She said, oh no, maybe you're right. Oh shit, what else? Get off now?
No?
And I go, Lauren, I can't. We are on the runway and I have a show. I said, this stuff is not real. She said, I know you'll be fine. Don't psych yourself out. I said, I felt this in my uber too, thought something bad would happen there too. It's one of those days. She said, Do you normally have these days? I said, not really. But I can't be someone who gets off a plane because of omens. That's a person with mental health issues. This is so wild.
She goes, I don't think so. Sometimes you just have intuition. She goes, no, I don't think you're crazy. I think sometimes you just have intuition. And I go I am mostly on an empty Southwest flight, and the flight attendant said many times that no one has to be in a middle seed. And a woman sits down between me and the ile guy. And now she's picking her handskin
and biting it and flicking off the skin. Like this woman was ripping at her skin and it was bleeding, and she's picking the skin off and then flicking and it was flying on me.
And so obviously the plan deserves to go down now. I mean, that's right, last Woman movie thing that you're late to the flight and you get on it, and that's the one that's gonna crash. Yeah, Like and now you're disgusting and horrible, and it's like, well, the more those on the flight, then the more likely it is that God will strike it with a light.
He's like trying to tell me, like, get off this, like I'm putting this woman next to you. There's you don't belong like this is you're too many weird things happening. Get off. But I can't switch my seats at this time because it's about we're almost about to take off, you know, like they're shutting the overhead bins. So that's not a time to be like I'm gonna switch my seat. And it would have been very obvious to those women like I can't take your shit, you know, And I
didn't want to be that way. So instead I took a picture of her picking her skin and sent to my sister. So that's nice, right, She said, oh, you gotta move. I said, I don't want an I don't want an aisle because that's always And I said, I think all the windows are taken. I said, it's wild. She's twitching, this poor lady. I should be nice. She's just crazy. She said, you'd rather have her than an aisle. And I go, I think it would just be as hassle and everyone is seated and it would cause a
scene and then then nothing. And then I protected her. I landed and I said, forrest esp was off. She said, so glad you're alive. So but I just you know, it's these moments in your life where you go like, am I gonna let my mental illness? Cause that is mental illness to think that you know better than facts, and like you're like this that you're getting this feeling.
But it's also not because we also get told like go with your gut, you know, like trust your instincts, Like if you get a weird feeling about a guy, don't like go on into a second location with him. And it's like is it that I have a weird feeling about him, or is it like I ate something weird earlier, or is it that, like, how often do
you trust this instinct? Because how ridiculous is it if I get off that plane, I miss my flight because Nikki had a bad feeling it was gonna crash even though it totally didn't, and then it lands, and then I miss my show, Like I I can't do that, And I know that there's I know we have besties who have anxiety and who have definitely missed out on things because of this bad feeling before. And I've heard stories of people actually getting off planes because they just
have a weird feeling. And I honor that and I have been that person in certain circumstances. But sometimes you just got to die in a plane crash because you got to show in Gary, Indiana that night.
Yeah, but you know what, thank you for texting your sister that you had a feeling, because if the plane did crash, then we'd have that great story.
Yes, Brian, that is exactly this is okay. Thank you for saying that. This is what I'll end it with. If you are someone out there who has these feelings sometimes and you feel like, oh my god, I'm going to cause such a scene and if I die, I might die in this. But I also really don't have a lot of facts to back it up. Then I'm
going to die and I'm scared. Text someone your anxieties have a record of it, because if you do die, people will be like it will be you will be famous for predicting it, Like it will be the biggest story in the world, and so there'll be some kind of like make sure you get it out there, because the worst thing that would happen would be for you to have these premonitions to die and then no one knows about it.
Yeah, you know.
So that gave me some kind of control in it that I was if God was going to take my life away in that moment because I was ignoring his signs. He would actually have to deal with the fact that people are gonna know he exists or something, you know what I mean, Like because of my intuition, like he was going to out himself because I had I had blown his cover with my sisters, like texting her or he could have just killed her. I got you got all right, We're gonna go to break come back after
this we will come back. You can too. Oh, I have such a busy week ahead of us.
Can you talk about what's going on?
Which can you tell us so much? Lovers and Liars is premiering, so I have some pressed to do for that. So that's April eleventh. The first episode is out right now on the c w app great reviews. I saw
Benedict last night from the show. He came and opened for me in Pachanga and he's the lead of that, yeah, the Honka Casino, which, by the way, I went to the Pachanka Casino in two thousand and seven because I was friends with Doug Benson and Doug Benson was opening for Sarah Silverman here Wow in two thousand and seven, and so he brought me along because I was staying at his house when I was visiting La or his apartment, and so he was like, do you want to go
with us to see Sarah Silverman at Pachanka? And I was like, drive down to San Diego with Sarah Silverman in a car with us three. She was my Taylor Swift at that time. People don't know this, but I was. I had posters of Sarah Silverman on my wall I had bought every then. This was two thousand and six and seven, so it's like the Internet wasn't as like full of stuff of people, but I had to like, yeah, order these shirts and posters like II.
It was so much better.
Yeah. To be as a Silvery or whatever I was back then took a lot of effort. I would like buy magazines on Kebay with a little article about her that would say, like what her favorite book was, and then I would buy that book and read it like I just wanted to be I was. I was just as obsessed. I went to see Jesus Magic on opening day in the theaters and I was on the edge of my seat, and I remember my parents looking at me like I was gay, you know, like our daughter
loves this woman too much, and I probably was. So when two thousand and seven rolls around, I go to LA. I'm friends with Doug Benson because I met him on Last Comic Standing when I went to I made it to the semi finals. When I was still in college. I went to LA. I already knew Doug Benson from Best Week Ever. I was a huge fan, and then he was in the semi finals too. At Best week ever or at last Comic Standing.
So I'm a college student.
I mean, I would have signed up for that. I loved that show so much. But I saw him and I saw Tig at this hotel that I was checking into for my first time in la as like a performer, and I was checking in to be on the show. And I'm still in college and I'm like in over my head and there's forty comedians and Doug Benson is at the front desk and I'm like, oh my god, I love you Doug Benson. And I was like, I had just made a list at school of my top
ten favorite comedians. I was working this like telemarketing job and I was bored, and I was like, I'll make a list of my top ten friend favorite comedians. And he was number eight and I told him that, And you shouldn't tell someone their number eight, even though that is a great spot to have on I just remember he was eight, and remember he was kind of annoyed that I told him that. But he and I go, what are you doing here? I just was like, why are you at this Glendale hotel in you know, in
near Pasadena. And he was like, oh, I'm I'm doing Last Coming Standing. I was like, what, I'm competing against number eight in the world and I've been doing comedy for eight months. I was just like, oh God. But anyway, we became really good friends while doing that little show.
He started having me on the road with him. The first time I went on the road with him, I flew out to LA and before we went on the road together, I just was hanging out in La, crashed on his couch and he was like, do you want to go tonight to go with Sarah and me to Pachanga to Temecula. I'm like, yeah, is she okay? So I'm in the back seat of Sarah like Taylor Swift's car pretty much, I am in the back seat of
it on the way down. We drive down there. At one point i'd met her once before, so the first I don't want to make this story too long, but when I first got into town, when I landed, I get to Doug's apartment and he's like, tonight we're gonna go to Jimmy's show and Sarah's gonna pick us up. And I was like, I don't even know what these names are, Like, I don't understand what she's saying he's like, we're going to Jimmy Kimmel's show.
Kimmel.
Yeah, Jimmy party was a part of my the story as well. But I We're gonna go to Jimmy Kimmel's show and Sarah's gonna pick us up. This was Sarah and Jimmy were dating, and I'm like, what, like, what is my life? And then I remember getting in her car and I remember her like beautiful pony like I was looking at her ponytail and that was in the back of her sob and we were driving to Jimmy Kimmel and then we went. It was amazing. It was the night where she debuted I'm Fucking Matt Damon, you
know that song that was like huge. It was the night that debut. I think it was like Jimmy's birthday or something. It was huge and it was such a party and Jimmy Kimmel live back then it was like two thousand and six or and this was two thousand and six actually, So then later that summer, I think was when we went to Puchong and I met her that night obviously, but then this was like a road trip with her and she was talking about some interviews she did when we were in the car, and she
was like, yeah, I just did. She was like, it's so crazy how you like forget what you've done or like what your old jokes were. She was talking about like just you know how long it's been she's been doing it and kind of doesn't remember how she started or whatever. And she said some interview a guy had asked her when did you start doing music in your comedy and she was like, and I didn't know what to say. I don't even know when I started. And I was like the first time you went on stage.
I'm in the backseat. I'm like, I think, like the first time you went on stage, didn't you sing uh uh? Like a parody of the song memories, but it was about your boobs and it was like called memories. She just remember. She was just slowly turned around. She goes, how do you know that? And she was just like what And I just said, I think I know more about you than you know about yourself. I was like, I'm really like a huge fan. And so we went to Patona and I remember being at the same stage
I was on last night. I remember being side stage being like, oh my god, this is so big and it's like, yeah, it was really sold well. Last night anyway, Benedicta was on the show. He was so fun and so funny and we had a good time and did you guys.
Do anything Lovers and Liars related. No.
He talked a lot about his experience on the show. Was really funny about how he lost twice on f Boy Island and he's back for the show, and how he had a funny bit about being with all these like hot guys on this show and he's like, I went in like and to pursue like love, and he was like, and I came out gay. I think I'm like in love with men because I'm around these like adonises, of which he is won by the way Benedicta is like so hot. But he also was like, you know,
he's talking about like his insecurities. It's so funny when like hot people talk about being and I've been one of them before where I've looked really hot and I've been like I'm ugly and people are like it does not connecting, girl, But people don't know that how benedict feels naturally, you know. But he's like I've gotten hair plugs, these are this is fake? This is He was talking about all the fake things on him, kind of like the way I do. It was really refreshing. Anyway, we
had a good time. The show is he's watched Lovers and Liars. I haven't yet because I don't like watching myself, but I hear it's the first episode. It's really funny and really good, and I know the season is going to be incredible. So check that out on the CW. So I'm doing a lot of press for it this week. Final thought, I also am filming a game show and
filming seven episodes of a game show that this just came. Dude, I thought it was one episode, right, like I thought when I said yes to this, which I was happy to do one episode. But now it's because I really like the people involved, I like the production company, I like the title of the show. I like every table.
No.
But I can't wait to like can because it's so exciting, you guys. So anyway, I was instantly like, yes, I want to do this. I was like the most excited I've ever been to say yes to something. And you know, besties, you can figure out what it might have something to do with like you know. So I'm like yes, and I'm like I'm gonna do one episode, and then it comes back like you're doing seven episodes. Because then I was like, oh shit, I have to find seven different outfits.
I mean, that is a lot of work to like look ahead to toe perfect for TV. So then I'm scrambling to find seven outfits, to even come up with the money to buy seven apps, to not buy seven outfits, but to get them styled, And like, I'm getting paid this much for the show, but I have to pay this much for styling. Do I really spend fifty percent of what I'm making on the show so I can look good enough for the show? Like, yeah, God you do.
The answer is yes. But then they told me you only have to wear one outfit for all seven episodes. We dry clean it between the days, So I'm taping like three three episodes on one day, four on the other. So they're long ass days, but we're banging out some
TV and I'm doing that on Tuesday and Wednesday. I rehearsal for that tomorrow and so that's why we've had to change the podcast schedule around and do it early and then and then I'm on the road next week, insane, you know, Minneapolis, then New Orleans, then Houston, and then and then there's another big thing that's going on in my life that I'm preparing for. So it's just a
lot of stuff piling up at the same time. And sometimes I'm just like and then there's also my my special is coming out, and they're sending me the trailer for it, and they're sending me like the the key art, which is like the poster that you see and like what it's going to look like on HBOS. I don't even think see that, Like, I don't know what's going to happen if I do, but I just want.
To people will be excited about it. Yeah, what a crime. It's really I make the announcement because we don't want anyone to know about it until we want people to know three minutes.
Don't understand. Yeah that's true. Like someone don't have to really listen pretty hard into this to get it. But anyway, I'm at a casino now, I'm fine. And oh this is the added thing I said yes to do a show that this woman asked me to do a show. All the time when I'm in LA and I'm never available for her show. She's really nice and really cool, and finally she asked me to do one, and I go, oh my god, yes, this is Sunday. After I get I get to LA to my hotel and I'll go
do this show. Fine, finally I can like do a solid for this lady who's been asking me for so much. I say yes to it. Weeks ago. She texted me yesterday being like, all right, see tomorrow, your set's at three. Get there a three twenty five. You're sets at three thirty five. I'm like, what it's during the day. I did look at her text and she said it was a matinee. But I don't think of matinee as like that early.
I don't know, at like noon in on Broadway.
Yeah I didn't. Wouldn't you specify the time a little bit more than just saying matinee? I don't know. I was just reading a text quickly, and I've never once done a show during the day. Yeah, so I I
that's yeah, that's not true. I've done many many shows during the day, but not in LA for like, so anyway, it's for a charity and I have to go do that, and so that kind of threw a wrench in my day, and then I have a zoom call for this game show I'm doing today, and then I also I'm trying to keep up with Pilates, which, by the way, last night on SNL, a lot of best sent me a plate sketch. It's so funny. It's like, oh, it's a fake horror movie where it's like almost like it's it's
like a trailer almost yeah, girl moms, Yeah. And it's like these girls going to a plate studio where it's like a plates class where it's dark and they have like a neon sign on the wall that's like you've got it. And then it's like, now this is the Reformer. It's a machine that looks like a torture device slash like a sex machine. And there's always one gay guy in the class who's wearing two short of shorts, and then there's one woman who's like eleven months pregnant who's
nailing everything. And then and they also did a part where and Kristen Wigg is the instructor who's just like very positive but like kind of a psycho bitch that's like making you do torturous things. And these two girls are going into it like I don't know what's scared, and one's like it's okay, and the other one's you know, really not good at it's it totally is what pilates is. And then there's one part that I really loved because she was like, how long have we been doing this?
Is it? Like?
Is this like been like four hours? And she's like it's been eleven seconds and that's like that is what is Like everything feels so long, and it was really funny. And I send it to my Plates girls this morning and they were like, you've got it. Mama's like that was the thing. They kept saying, like, good job, mamas have a.
Separate Plates Girls Chat with with new people in it.
No, this is the first time I've actually incorporated both of my Plate's instructors into one chat. They work at the same studio and they work closely together. But I was like, okay, I think.
It's theirs chat.
No, oh, no, this is separate from girls. Yeah, Kristen is a Plate's instruct Kristen and Halla are Plates instructors. They are on girls Chat. They are not my instructors because one lives in Arkansas and one lives in Kansas City. But I have my two plates instructors. And that's another thing, Like when you are working on consistently and your schedule gets really busy, you have to just stop working out
because you truly can't fit it in. And I know that's like there's always little things you can tell and you can buy the bands and you can just even sitting on a plane, you can do the bands, and like, but I'm not gonna do that, so like it's just you can't. You can't do it all. And I'm just feeling that pretty hard right now. But it's nice to get a podcast and we're gonna get another one and I think tonight, and so we'll be done with that
for the week. Even though this is the the easiest of all the things I have to do, where I can just kind of be myself. A lot of besties came to the shows this weekend, thank you so much, and we have lots of shows coming up in April and then all through the summer. Yeah, I'm just uh, but it'll be okay. Everything will be fine because we.
Can at least tell the audience what the show is not named. Okay, so it's not named bigger and blacker, right.
I oh, speaking of bigger and blacker, I am getting I well, not speaking of it, but I do want to say I am trying a new thing where I'm trying to embrace the pale beyond the pale. Yeah, I'm trying to just be a pale girl and like my not think of my skin tone as like a bad thing, because I feel disgusting without a spray tan, Like I really feel. It's the way girls feel they get manicures all the time, and then you don't have the manicure, Like that's the way. I don't ever feel that way
about my hands because I don't get manicures enough. But I can imagine if you're a manicure girlly, when you have just regular hands, they're disgusting to you and you can't picture your life without them. I'm trying to ease into being showing my body off, like I have no problem being completely naked when I like and being like wearing I could wear pasties on stage when I have a spray tan. I have a lot of body confidence when I have a spray tan, a ton of it,
almost too much. But when I am pale, I have zero body confidence and it's really hard for me. But this weekend I just didn't want to get a spray tand because I'm doing this game show, right and I want to be really spray tand for that, So I can't get a spray tan on Friday for my Friday and Saturday show because then by Tuesday, when I tape the thing, it's it's sluffy, right, it's falling off, and you can't take it off faster and then put a new one on. It has to fall off naturally, so
I have to time it perfectly. So I was forced this weekend to just be pale as shit, and I didn't paint my body, which I usually do. If I can't spray tan, I usually just put on the paint, but that makes me feel sticky, and so I was like, let me just try to not SPRAYTND and I think it went okay. I haven't seen the pictures yet, but
I'm like, I just am just gonna try this. And because Taylor Swift does it, she's not always spray tanned, no, and she looks great, but I'm wondering if she's like twenty pounds lighter than me because spray cans do make you look thinner. There is no question. They instantly seem to take off ten to fifteen pounds of your body. And I'm sorry to say that it just is the way it is. And so I wonder if like you have to be so much more thin to look normal.
Tant like this is just my dumb brain talking, but it is true when you get a spray tand people think you lose weight. And so I just have to be comfortable looking the wait I am and not doing an optical illusion. But I did go on stage last night, and I was wearing a crop top tank top, but I did wear pants. I didn't expose my pale legs yet, because that's my biggest fear is that people won't say
I have good legs anymore because that's what I get. That's the one thing I consistently get accolades on that I don't have to really try for. I know, I do pilates, but I already have good legs even if I don't do polotates, just because and it's not because I did anything special, it's just luck. I have my dad's legs. I have dadbod and I'm worried that those compliments will stop if they're not tan. Like it's almost predicated on
being tan. So I'm a little scared to show those please don't slide in my dms and be like, we love you no matter what. I know you do. Thank you so much for saying that preemptively ghosts. But I just I'm like predicting what people are not They're like, we weren't even going to but yeah, I'm just I'm going to challenge myself to start being like a pale girlie and like, because I never think people look bad pale. It's only me, so is great.
I love pale. Really, yeah, I prefer pale. I like it's good to mix it up. I think it's sometimes you're pale, sometimes you're not.
But it's so fucked up that white women are desperately trying not to be white to look as hot as they can be, and yet when it comes to like you know, having a privileged life, white is like no one can deny being white as like an easier life or like, I'm not saying I don't have the experience of not being white, so I don't know, but I've heard rumors that being white is like it just things.
It's a privileged life, but then we're us. White ladies are fighting it constantly, And if I was someone who had a naturally bronze complexion, I would be fucking calling out white bitches so much for being like, oh, you like your when you're white, when it gets you more money and jobs and opportunities and everything, But god, you want to be us when it comes to looking fuckable,
don't you what? I like if I was a stand up girl, If I was a stand up girl, I just think I think someone needs to make that connection between and I've tried it before a little bit of like I am doing, Like when girls get a spray tann it's black face, but it's like for women who are Brazilian. You know what I'm saying, Like, why are we not getting called out for like literally darkening our skin tone? Why? Why is that? Why are we being canceled for that? I think we should because then I.
Don't have to do it tually. You could get it tan naturally and become that color, but you're never gonna become black, not that color. Man.
Yeah, I mean I used to get very tan as a child, but I would if I was a naturally if and there's no I don't please don't misconstrue my words and think that I think I'm privileged because I'm white. I'm just based on things i've heard. You know, I'm not speaking out of turn here, right, Like.
This is insane, nicky. Are you saying that white people have privileges that, yeah people don't have.
Yes, I've heard that we do, and I don't like that. I don't want to have that. But it's so funny to me that white people are constantly trying not to be white and yet it's it's just I would call it out. And I definitely think there's going to be a wave of like backlash in the future of girls getting really dark spray t hands, where we like really shame them and be like, I can't believe we thought
this was acceptable at one point. And I think I'm going to be front and center in that, in that backlash, and I'm going to lose my tonight show that I'm about to get because they'll be like, did you see these these resurface pictures of Nikki doing bronze face? And I'm going to be canceled because it taunt Yeah, dude, all I can say right now, as we go is that everyone needs to go look up the Kirsty Ally story of her telling Barbara Walters in the nineties about
her parents' car crash. Her parents both died in a car crash. It's so tragic, but I cannot believe this clip just surfaced. It's talk about what a different time it was, and I'm not saying it was a better time. It's completely fucked up. What was acceptable? Barbara Walters is asking her, Brian, I don't think you're going to believe this. I don't think you're ready.
I don't know the whole story, so I don't know even what this.
Barbara Walters is talking to Christy Alley and she says, like, tell me about the story about your parents passing, And she's like, I found out about it, and obviously I'm at the hospital. They said your dad is dead and your mom is going to die, and maybe it was the other way around. And I'm at the hospital. I'm with all my siblings and we're sobbing and crying, and I go, where were they going? And my sister said a Halloween party? And I said, and she goes, And
I don't know why I even said this. I don't even know why I thought it, but I said, what what were they dressed as? And my sister said the odd couple? And I go, oh, you know, like Walter Mathol and whoever. And she said, no, your mom was dressed as a black girl and your dad was dressed as a Ku Klux Klan member.
Oh my god, I.
Just thought in that moment, that is the greatest gift to get. Is that so funny? Like like she's like, she's like it was she I forget what she says, but she said it was like a sign that it was like her parents were walking like but likes. I mean, I can only assume the Marbara Walters is not stunned
by this revelation, like it was not. This did not resurface until now, Like no one at the time was like what off look like this was the nineties and that was for some reason acceptable to go in black face. She thinks, Okay, I have to go because the people, but you guys go look up that cool clip. It's Rob Hubel and Paul Sheer are watching it. I think that's how it resurfaced, is them commenting on it. It's enough, So I'll leave you on that we'll see you tomorrow
on the podcast. Thank you for listening, Bye, and don't be care Bye guys.