#399 Brian's Personality In Question, .1 Second of Life Ending Fear & The 'B' Word

The Nicky Glaiser Podcast.

Glaser, here's Nicky.

Hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's the Nicky Glazer Podcast. It's me Nicky Glazer.

I'm alone in my.

Studio in Saint Louis, Missouri. I have wet hair. I just got out of the shower, didn't have time to blow dry it.

If you're watching on.

YouTube, but that might be a topic of interest to you, of like why does she look like a slick fuck? Great, it's not grease, it's it's water. Brian's here, Noah's here.

You get it.

Why we don't talk about how like wet hair to dry hair is such as a woman, it's a burden to dry your hair, and it's like a whole part of a process that.

Men don't have to do. Again, I am not coming at men.

I'm not saying you guys need to start taking longer between when you go out and when you get out of the shower. You just it's an easier thing that you deal with it.

You may not think about our experience.

I feel personally attacked and I'm offended for all mankind. So we have talked about this before, and I did mention I don't know. I can't imagine being a woman. But also it does take me a long time to dry my hair too, And I've been trying different hair, hair, thick, lustrous hair.

But you're always doing really thick Hair's true. And then he puts a hat on it and he doesn't even style.

Well, that's the problem.

I try to blow dry it with the hat on and it takes for answers.

I almost believed it.

You're you're an interesting man saying that you are.

You're very interesting. You're you're smart and interesting.

So werky, Uh, this is I don't want to start any podcast beef, but I so. Tim Dillon was on any Letterman's podcast and they they they.

Friendly made fun of me, friendly made.

Fun of shout out.

I got a shout out, but him said that I have the personality of a shoe, and I confronted him already.

Oh this is great. What did he give you?

Did he give you fifty grand?

Like usually when he like has come at someone. There's famously an episode where he went over he had like a class reunion at his house.

You should listen to it.

Annie and him talk about having this like I think it actually might be pulled down, but they had a reunion. He had a class reunion at his house in the Hampton's and he called some girl a fat, toothless bitch or something like. He called her a toothless bitch and she because she was like kind of drunk and acted like a fool at the thing. And then she it got back to him through his friends that she's really upset and.

Like can't get her life together.

So Tim paid for her tooth for for her thousands of dollars to like make it right.

So my question, what did you get out of this?

And are you sure he said a shoe and not jew.

No, I'm pretty confident with the shoe because then he went on to describe the shoe and it didn't sound like a jude to me.

It sounds okay.

I was gonna make some jokes that are just are not in good taste right now.

We can't pile of shoes outside of uh oh.

God, Jesus fucking Christ.

That would be the worst thing to be compared to ever you have the personality of the discarded shoes of millions of mercy children and women and some men and many men.

So the question is, I did not take offense to this at all. I I do not think I have the personality of the shoe. I came at him in person and I said, you think I have the personality of a shoe, And so I wondered, should I be taking offence at what.

Is the shoes personality? Though, yes, there's no question. We don't need to debate whether or not what kind of Well maybe it's a good thing because shoes are versatile and flexible and comfortable. Yeah, but if you ever talked to a shoe, it's not like I think, listen, but it's fun. It's he is exaggerating for the sake of comedy. You are just what he meant by that. I think is that you're a literal person. I mean, it's like talking to someone who is not gonna You're a nice guy.

There's no question about it.

Everyone who listens to the podcast knows that I wouldn't have you in my life. I don't think I could, Yeah, anyone, I just.

Have I have to be around people who are nice.

But you also don't really have a lot of room for like small like bullshit. You're just a literal guy and shoes are literal. But I think it's an insult, for sure.

But it was an insult man with malice or is it insult.

Your tongue is always hanging out maybe soulless or no, you have a soul.

I have a soul, so practical. Well, then he went on to say that I know he's like, he's not like a shoe, He's like a an oatmeal cookie left in the car.

Okay, we're getting better. That has more, there's more ingredients in it.

It's not as just flat like comedically just saying shoe is very it just sounds it sounds. I mean, it sounds like a slur, like we said before. But oatmeal cookie left in the car.

Let's examine this oatmeal cookie.

He shows that as the most boring cookie. Unfortunately, like that's what he was going for there. We're not dummies. We know what this joke construction was. And then in the car there's some warmth.

To you sure, sure, well you know and you're kind of like, oh I.

Found this, Yes, something smells good.

Okay, people, I'm sure there's people who again I.

Was doing a more bullshit spin than I am, but a mind's bullshit too. Yeah, it's not good.

Now it's important to know that it's important to know it's important to also know the context of where this was coming from. The context was I had to go into this meeting and sit with these people for like twenty minutes and and talk to them, and they thought it was funny that it was me that had to go stay with them because these people wouldn't want to talk to me anyway, because I'm not a real person industry.

And then some.

Powerful people within the industry, some people that are like making the decisions that probably aren't the creative types, have to talk not have to.

Are talking to you? Why are they talking to you?

I had to come in and not So me and Tim were supposed to go to this meeting together and Tim was late for twenty minutes, Oh dear, and so I had to sit there fam for twenty minutes.

Woh what did you do?

Tim?

He thought it was funny that they had to talk to me. And first of all, it was probably because it's funny. I'm not, like, why would anybody want to talk to me in this situation. That's not true when they're expecting Tim.

When they're expecting Tim and they're Tim fans. Also, you're not going to be disappointed in Brian Fandy. You're just you're so interesting and funny and but but if they were just interested in like fame and like someone, it's going to be very exporting to meet the Apple guy.

They're expecting.

They don't even know you're that.

But here's the other thing is they didn't even know I was going to be at the meeting, so I was sitting for twenty minutes talking to Again, Kim.

Is really setting you up for success in this?

What could he give them a heads up?

No, it's fine.

I'm guess it all worked out absolutely fine. And these guys we uh, we didn't have a good time with anyway. But I think that's also why that he said to Kim, like.

In a meeting, I'm just the biggest Tim Dylan fan, and I'm so excited that you're He's the same whenever you're doing with him.

I'm excited about it.

I don't know, he was the same person in every single situation. He's just a brutally honest I mean.

But he's also again extremely kind. Oh yeah, yes, he'll just a there's a there's a loving part of him that just radiates and by the way people told me that you said that Kylie Jenner might have been at his party, but it was Caitlyn Jenner, the wildest Jenner to be like like.

I understand boys ding, like I don't know if it was Kendall or Kylie or Courtney or Chloe Lee.

I get that, but not knowing And you even were like it might have been the mom, which is even like okay, whoever Taylor was, Like was it a seventy year age difference or like you know, we made a joke about it at the time.

Caitlyn Jenner is so not Kylie in many.

Ways, I didn't see this person side.

How did but how did the word Caitlyn Jenner not register to you as the former Bruce j like like a pivotal name in our general like people who don't know the Kardashians, no Kitlyn Jenner because she's the face of the trans movement that you.

Know right right?

You know, Like, how did that not stick for you?

Face and body? Well?

What about like even when you found out Kaitlyn Jenner was there, why weren't you like whoa Kitlyn jen Like was there no discussion of what that was? Like?

Was she like oh tamn, I love your spread? Like, did she's I love a spreading? Got here? Time?

Did she say? Five minutes?

Like?

Why was there no discussion about what happened around?

I did ask a little bit after the fact about this, and I was like, yeah, okay, did they hold court?

Uh?

Was everyone around them? And and uh is it he or she? She?

She came and there wasn't a lot of people there, so it's kind of just like a little small hang and then she left before most of the people came.

Damn it.

Oh wow, And I was one of those people that wasn't there yet, so I didn't see you're talking to be cool man?

I know, well, I who knew that getting parties right on time you might see some of the biggest life Maybe they know that they're gonna miss most people.

Yeah, it's cool to be on time because in La people never show up. People never show up on time to anything in La. Oh, so if you're super cool and you just want to see the people you want to see, you say, show up on time and we'll leave in forty minutes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's Uh.

Have you ever had someone you Getting there early to a party is such a hilarious thing that I sure some people have done be like I don't want to help out, Like my mom every time it's time for a party and my growing up, like it would be the guests would arrive in my mom with still wet hair.

Yeah it was a wet hair podcast.

Yes, yeah it was.

She was a slick fuck.

When I used to host like game nights or whatever my house and have like some people come that I was like not really friends with, I would always keep a couple of bags of chips and food things unopened so that when they came and I didn't want to talk to them, I would say, oh, could you set up those chips?

And then they have a task to do.

Yeah, that is See, that's why you have the personality of an oatmeal cook and a car that kind of thing like that's that's in the car part.

Yeah.

Is that interesting thing about you that you have planned for something in case people get there early and you're not ready. Instead of doing the thing that you could be doing to get ready and they just sit around, you give them a task.

Yes, I give them a task.

That's but that's even more work for you because you're like, I got I want to put out those tips and salsa. But I gotta wait until people could get your early perchance.

And then someone has to do it eventually.

Yeah, all right, well that's an interesting thing in context.

In context, it's funny for me to be extra boring in that context of that meeting. That which is why, of course the shop for being so boring makes is there. You have to go to that extreme or else it's not fun.

No, they're comedians, they did this.

Why no, they have to set up that this the story of you being stuck there because tim is twenty minutes late and they don't even expect you, and you also happen to have the personality of a shoe adds so much color to the story. This is. Have you evergot I'm trying to think of times where maybe this has happened to me where I've heard something about myself that I didn't let like that.

If someone said that about me, I'd be I'd.

Be very hurt.

I mean that wasn't heard at all.

No, but you shouldn't be, because I know what he meant, Like clearly you don't.

They said nice things too, They said like he's a wonderful comedy writer. He's an amazing comedy writer, but he has the personality of the shoe.

And then Ann, he said, of this shoe, and he held up a shoe.

And it was like a brown and then uh and then and then Annie said he yeah, he won't start the conversation, but he'll punch it up.

So like these are like nice things to say.

Oh, that's actually that's an interesting that's an interesting thing to say. And I wonder if I agree with that of you being someone who won't no, because you'll I mean I worked with you all summer on a faboy island and you would come in with like you would be kind of quiet, and then you would just kind of like stare.

You'd be thinking about something.

You go, I have a question, and it would just be like everyone would kind of jump, and then we would get You would come up with some very random thing that you have been thinking about on your drive into Malibu an hour and a half. That is very specific. But you know you're always going through some or I guess lately you have been going through some like shit's been piling up for Brian Franti. And I don't think

Yeah, it's And that's what.

I try to explain to Tim is that I feel like my personality is like twenty five percent diminished because of all all my problems.

And yeah, dude, it totally is.

You're in pain. I asked Brian about his paint toothpain that he's been having. We've covered it on other episodes, but he's been having.

For how many months now?

Since two and a half years.

Okay, so that's twelve.

So I have a question for the besties because I got my second crown in yesterday. I got my second crown in yesterday. It's on my top and I feel like I feel like it's a little bulky, And I want to ask any besties if you've gotten an implant crown so it's like the full crown tooth. Did it feel weird at first, which I'm sure it did, And then, if so, how long did it take you to get just get used to it and then it start to feel normal for you.

I'm sure that there's lots of besties to have plants. You've had a crown.

I don't think i've had an implant though, I've had a root canal and.

Then a crown put on top, and then did it feel I.

Assume that's what they do.

I cannot remember, which leads me to believe no.

Yeah, so mine feels weird.

I'm also not a sensitive person.

I'm so sensitive. Yeah, So it feels like it's like pushing in on my tongue. So it's like my tongue's getting in the way. So I want to know if that's a if that's an issue that other people.

Normal thing that'll go away.

Yeah, And how long did it take? And so how how long should I wait before getting a change?

Is it hurt though?

I mean, is your your pain is all still there? Because the pain is your pain is from your jaw, because the grinding of the teeth because the teeth being uneven, So the pain isn't in the tooth, it's in the jaw. The pain, it just it means nothing. My point initially it was you were operating one day, you told me. And you're not a person who exaggerates when some you know, you do for comedy sometimes, but I feel like you said your pain was an eight out of ten.

Yeah, a lot of days, and so I know for me.

I wouldn't.

I mean, there's no way I would be able to function like that, like you're dealing with something that is I've talked about this before in the podcast. Whenever I go through pain, you just you can't help but feel so sorry for people in chronic pain and how they do learn to cope with it, because what the fuck else are.

They gonna do? Right, Like, what else? What are you gonna do?

You have to keep it.

And writh h and you just have to, like or tonight is that's like I need.

To writhe all day I was writhing.

Writhing sucks so much because it's the only thing you do when there's there's no comfort, there's nothing else.

When you had your migraines, you must have writhed.

I would writhe so much.

You know, it's just like an animal that's like flipping back and forth because it's like on the way out, like there's it's just searching for like mom, like like any kind of any kind of like comfort, yes, yes, yeah, yeah, like a starving possum in a cage. Now that would be a more. It was probably not writhing as much because it was just like so tired, it was dying from hunger like kind of in a ball.

But I don't know, just because I've felt like a dying possum before I.

Forgot, I mentioned this update that the I got a letter in the mail from the possum uh recently saying how how it's flourishing in the woods.

It wrote me a letter, I don't like.

This is shoe.

This is shoe.

No, that isn't shoe. But you're like trying to get out of shoe.

And I don't like it. Whatever that was, so that was me trying. Well, that was no. I lie all the time. I do. I do comedy lies.

It's a cute That was a cute lie. But that was I mean, we knew it was a lie from the get go. You got a letter from the possible Like, I just didn't get a set up. I wasn't invested, so that was on me.

But what did I need to do in O?

How did you you receive that?

Noah, that maybe it was like something that Ali did to make you feel better.

She was taking literally Yeah that would have though, Yeah, so then what should I Well, sometimes that works out and I say something that's you know.

No, you're no.

You gotta take chances I'm just gonna got to take shot now we have the shoe thing.

Yeah, and I need to add to my personality.

It's not fair though, because I don't think you feel like you can take shots at me because you like I'm but I want you to be able to take shots at me. But like, also, I do think that I'm a little sensitive bitch and that I, like I said, I don't think I would have been able to take shoes. So it's not fair that I take shots at you if you can't give them to me. So I say that you you should be able to but I take shots at you. Yeah, okay, I'm glad that you don't.

I don't take shots at that people.

I don't take shots at people, including you, that have to do with like your personality or but I'll take shots at you for something you just said.

I if I think what you.

Said, yeah, I like that about you. I don't feel like you just like let me get away with stuff.

On fine, yeah, go ahead, if you want to take the car to yes, I'll.

Go, Yes, I'll go.

Brian, I don't know that joke.

I know you don't.

You maybe think I should lose it. I just like it because I like the It's like a change in character for me. But I'll give my reason things and he goes all right, fine, and it's just like I go, oh, no, he's mad, but he's just saying fine.

Yeah, no genuinely. Well obviously I don't read it.

Is that at all anymore?

Oh good, because that is not no, that's the show.

First, the instinct in my little brain is at first like, O, no, he's mad. But now that is like a millisecond a million in the midim of the second.

We got to go to break.

Before we go to break, I just want to tell everyone we are not going to be doing shows next week because I'm taping my special in Seattle, which their tickets still available the sixteenth in Seattle. Brian will be there either, and no one will be too. I forgot, Oh my god, yeah, most of the girls from every Seattle.

So this isn't going to be an eating What the fuck is that real?

Yeah, that's so exciting.

Okay, So we're doing that next week, and so all my energy needs to be focused on that. So there will be no podcast next week, but we will be back on the I Guess twentieth Wednesday the twentieth to talk about all things my specials. To send me good vibes on December sixteenth, Saturday. I would really appreciate that because I do believe that kind of energy. So think of me that night and think positive things, not nervous or negative things, and I love you so much.

Okay, we'll be back with more show up for guests.

Hey, guys, you've heard me talk about my Seattle upcoming special taping, and some tickets just opened up and I want to give them away for free to besties. So if you are a bestie listening to the podcast right now, and you are a single person that is just one person that wants to go to the show, I'm sorry that they're they're only single seats because we need seat fillers, and that's.

What you're gonna be if you want to go for free to my show.

Really good seats all over just opened up for both shows seven o'clock and nine thirty. For my December sixteenth Seattle taping. All you have to do is write into Nicki Glazer Besties, don't forget the s on the Besties Nicki Glazerbesties at gmail dot com. Tell us your info and we'll get you that ticket. I hope to see you there. And yeah, so this is the ultimate opportunity to go alone because you can't go with someone else.

I'll see you there.

I love you by all right, we're back, okay, speaking of what we were just saying, we're for a millisecond. I think Brian might be mad at me. A millisecond yesterday, I thought my life was over. I'm about to be raped, mugged, I'm definitely about to be violently attacked. God for like it was probably two milliseconds or three. Wow, it was it was it was a point I would say, I'm just being honest.

It was point one seconds.

Okay, but that is enough. You know how people go like, oh, I my life flashed before my eyes. Yeah, you know all these things like think bit major things can happen in that split second, like I'm moves where everything slows down when you're feeling Fuck. I had so many thoughts in that point one second, and I'm I think yesterday I might have said it was point eight seconds, but

Of poop at a bird and you actually kill bird.

Okay, But so I was walking home with the cans on I'm on my phone kind of like in the world. I my plotus place is pretty close to my apartment, so I'm turning into the garage and I'm walking into the now the garage area, it's like it's there's it's well lit. It's like it's you drive through this garage. So it's like it's one end is open and the other end is open, so it's like it's an open it's not like a close scary garage. It's like almost

So it was like, I need immediate help.

There's someone near, but like there's a sidewalk here and it's well lit, someone wouldn't attempt to murder me.

Yeah, maybe that was it.

Noah, if they know that they're gonna be seen, they wouldn't murder me or something.

But so I'd all those No, I just kind of last footage of Nikki Glazer. Oh yeah, ground man. Yeah, it'll be on Reddit.

I will have like, yeah, I hope my murder isn't one that i'd want to watch or hear about, Like I don't watch these things. Actually, some a bestie just wrote to me after having did you hear about the guy who got his next sliced open and bled out on like hockey?

Right? Yeah? But I thought that was like an accident.

It was okay, yes, but I described it as just it wasn't like I was like, did he had it intentionally? I said it in a way that sounded that, but I did not imply that it was an accident, but the guy was charged for manslaughter because even if it's an accident, it's still manslaughter, which I forgot about because everyone's like, why was he charged? Which I it was a total accident, but he did die and he's responsible for someone's death.

I guess.

I don't know what there was during a hockey game where you're you take certain risks by playing hockey, and one of those risks, unfortunately, is getting your next sliced open by a hockey.

Yeah, but if you drive, don't you say certain drifts by driving?

But if I drive and do something that isn't if you are doing if you're reckless.

So was this guy who sliced his neck like doing something right?

Possibly?

I guess, I guess that's the I guess that's the rough.

You must have fallen and then flailed his legs.

Well, someone watched it for me. A girl wrote me and was like, oh my god, did you hear about this? And I go, yes, Oh my god, I'm obsessed. I read everything. I read every account, but I couldn't find like I wanted to hear a description of it without seeing the video because I don't want to see it, and she watched it and described it to me. So anyway, it was the guy, like the guys who skate. From

Almost like mortal combat where they and they keep me standing and then.

They just get to the next who's standing.

He was doing an a triple axle. I literally don't.

So sad.

It's so sad and like such a freak acts. I mean, there's nothing worse than being involved in a freak action. That's a horrible word to have associated with your death. And this would have not been a freak I was walking and then all of a sudden, I see in my periphery and I am deeply in my phone, which is not a mistake in this air that I'm talking about, Like you would just never be attacked here, all right, That's that was my first instinct of like, no one's

I can't.

I don't know if they're saying something or what. I can't hear anything. Yeah, the sound touch of my death would have.

Been You're losing me, Stop, You're losing.

Me you Taylor Swift, which is actually approved by the American Heart Association or something for doing the compressions like loosing me, stop, You're losing me, And that song is like my heart won't beat anymore. That's song you're supposed to be pushing the chest with. So anyway, I go, just go cause I'm just like it's a man.

I know it's a man.

He is hurling towards me at a crazy speed. And it was Chris running at me full sprint, just to go like oo, like to scare me.

And he saw the.

Expression on my face and he was He immediately was like, oh my god, I'm so sorry. And I was like, I just got my life back, like I was like recovering, like I just I just got my life back, like I'm just.

Not going to be violently attacked.

I was so happy that I wasn't going to be violently attacked because I was really like, this is gonna hurt so bad. I don't I should have probably gone to jiu jitsu. I should have told done what Noah said to do. Why have I been doing pilates instead of self defense? Like all of these regrets flooded through my nervous system. And he was He was like, I thought you would see me so much sooner, you know, like I saw him when he was right here. So it was just like, yeah, I it was one hundred

I felt it was.

Doctor Strange and he knocks your soul out of you, and then you're like, and then he pulls it back in or he gets pulled back.

I don't know.

I'm gonna start doing well so shitty, I don't, but everyone loves.

Doctor Yes on a meeting that with us, Uh yeah, but you were in a car.

I could barely hear you.

This is my defense on this one.

Okay, go on ari Ari said that I'm a I'm a nerd, yeah, making doctor strange references or am I a shoe? Like, get it straight.

This is Ari Ari Findling, who I love so much, who has a great podcast called Never Not Tired that's about parenthood.

It's hilarious. He's so funny.

But he was on this writer's meeting with us yesterday and he Ari has this like harshness about him sometimes where he's like, you fucking idiot, Like he'll just like call you a fucking idiot about Like he'll be like, do you want a tissue? Like he'll be like sniffling and he's like, yeah, I doe, you fucking idiot, Like he's a little embarrassed that he got caught sniffling or something.

So he comes at you with this.

Like really harsh thing, but it's all love. But then I catch him a lot of times getting called out on it, and then he pulls about.

Like, oh yeah, you fucking dumb, fucking.

Nerd, like he digs in or he'll like but it's it's a cute attempt at him being close to you.

Oh I see, I see.

Well yeah it's a failed attempt, but you are close.

I wouldn't say we're close, but we were buds back in the day when we were in York.

Ari.

I told him this the other night, I go, I, I didn't realize that you were the guy that when Brian Franjie got his windows knocked in and stuff stolen from him. It was another one of those weeks that you've been having recently of just a pylon on you and your stuff. Yeah, you had a bunch of stuff taking out of your car.

What else was going on for you? Your arm was broken or something.

I broke my wrist. I didn't even know it was broken, I remember.

And then and then when I was driving for the doctor to get X rays on my wrist, someone rear ended me. Yes, and but then but then you messaged me, And that's what that was. The week before I went to California.

I'm the hero of the hero I never Ari did though he worked at Models at.

The time, sporting good store work.

Yes, and he got you a bunch of replaced.

He's just I didn't ask for this.

He just, out of the kindness of his heart, heard about my story and gave me all this stuff, like a new gym bags. George so great, So I don't care if Ari could call me a nerd all he wants. I know that he's a great guy.

He's a love like this is already.

It's like people that might be like say horrible things are like these sweet softies like Tim, Annie, Me, you, Ari and Ari. Also like my dad, my dad, me, Ari, and Andrew went on a road trip to do outdoor shows during COVID together. My dad and I would sing like a song and then Andrew and Ari would open and we were all in a car for like, you know, a total of doing I think we did three or four cities together. It was like thirty hours in a car,

And my dad would be like, why is that?

Why are why is that the threat?

Why you're mad at him?

He'd be like, I swear to God, I'm just suck your fucking dick off, Andrew.

It's just such a funny. It's such a funny thing to get mad at someone.

And threatened to suck their dick instead.

Of being like I'm gonna beat the shit out of you with that same fervor, say the gayest thing is my but my dad couldn't believe it, and really like my dad, my dad like, uh, kind of, I don't know if this is the same kind of thing, but he is always surprised at guys doing like kind of gay things in jest or like bros like kind of. But the thing is, my dad has done gay things in jest.

Yeah, I don't know.

Is it homophobia, because that's why it's funny, because it's so bad.

But well and in the way of like my dad grew up in a time where that wasn't people couldn't be open about that, so obviously, yeah, it's taboo. And he's just like I can't and he thinks, by the way, he's crying laughing because it's such it's such a fun it's funny. It is funny, yes, and it and it but it is a way for men to be closer to their and actually touch each other. I think it's

I just want to feel close. I just want to grab someone's hips right now.

Do you watch them Welcome to Wrexham on FX with Ryan Reynolds and mcallaney. Well, there's so Ryan Reynolds and mcallaney have a bromance and that they even do an episode where they go see a couple's therapists or something or an expert on like male friendships. And I do see that sometimes between them where they'll do something like, uh, sexually uncomfortable to each other because they're so close.

Yeah, you should watch.

That's a great two are pretty hot. I wouldn't mind seeing those two, I mean get sexually close.

Yeah.

And I don't know what that's never really turned me on when like two guys have attracted to I'm like, but picturing those two, I'm just like, oh, there's something.

Like their friendship, so the doctum they must look alike.

Oh that's sweet. Yeah, Well my dad, this is this is crazy.

My dad one time was on the he goes on these like camping trips and river excursions with his guy friends. I think around October they go out for like four days and they you know, camp out and stuff and canoe all day. And one night, his buddy Dave Miller was like just sitting, you know, meditating or something, and my dad came up to like join him. And there's just sitting in these chairs on the bank of this riverbed. And my dad realizes that He's like, hey, we should

So someone took a picture.

I think it was my uncle TV took a picture of my dad and Dave Miller in this like they're backlit by like the sunset, you know, and they're these two guys in a share and it was picked this picture somehow got picked up by like my because my brother is in river culture stuff. It now is like a gay picture that like people use, like sincerely to be like gay men.

Oh my god.

So it's been on like Instagram posts and kind of been like spread around as like hey, these like rugged rivermen are gay. Like it was a little bit of a broke back picture that people have taken seriously because it was a joke. But it made me laugh so hard. And my dad's like, I'm gonna get canceled for that. I'm like, you're not going to like what it was was.

It's fine.

You weren't like being overtly.

Homophobic when you made the joke, so I don't think it's I don't think it's a bad thing. But uh, he's probably gonna be like, do tell that story. I think it was so funny too late, it's told.

It's also a thing in the East Coast, just going back to like people saying things like mean things to you, but.

You know, I'm gonna suck your deck.

It's just like an growing up I mean. That was the love language of the East Coast, was just to say something mean, Like here's a common thing that would happen in New York. You'd go he goes to someone at a party and they mentioned a mutual person that you know. So someone would come up to me at a noa would come up to a party and goes, oh, do you know Nikki in New York? My response would be, oh,

Oh you mean that shoe?

Yeah exactly.

Yeah, Okay, I get what you're saying. Yeah, like be saying a piece of work.

It's almost like that Tim Robbinson sketch.

I start laughing about it already, the one, do you know the one where he's like, uh, the skateboard rep Like he's introducing a new skateboard.

Oh yeah, you've you've been sharing that. I've been watching it every time you share it, obsessed with it.

Okay, So he introduces Concrete Halloween and it's a new skateboarder, and then he just talks about assembling this crew and he just I just always wanted to assemble a crew of like really bad people, like these people are really bad, and then he goes, I just want to be cool. I guess I've always just wanted to be kind of cool and wanted people to think I'm really a cool, like tough guy, and then he goes, I just always wanted I always wanted people to think I was fucked up.

It's so funny.

Also another one to watch that is literally a gem of a comedy video. You'll everyone will enjoy it. Triumph the Insult Dog God on Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend podcast. So the first part he just went on, well, Robert Smigel's on the interview, but for the first part where it's like, hello, my name is Triumph the Insult Dog, and I feel blah blah, blah to be Conan O'Brien's friend. You know where they do that the intro for every celebrity on his show, You say, I'm Nicki Glazer, and

He was like, he was like, serious satellite radio. Oh, oh, the wave of the past.

Oh.

He goes, why oh, serious satellite radio.

He goes, why buy the why buy the pig for free when you can pay only one ninety nine a month to rent this piece of shit?

Like it was just it was.

It was so funny.

There are so many great one liners, like all in a row, and it's like it remind it's a roast set up.

I'm like, oh, Triumph is a roast, Like that's the character. I didn't even like think about it. Yeah, but it's so funny.

But I was saying, oh, the concrete Halloween Everyone's I wanted to be a piece of shit. Oh I wanted something you said made me think of something, and maybe I don't have time to finish it in this segment, but we'll continue it on the next one.

I was in couples therapy yesterday.

Chris might be home, so I don't want him to think I'm like talking shit because I'm not. But I don't want him to be like, oh, what is she talking about? Because he wouldn't care if I said this, but because it's all about me, which because it is.

It's because that's why we were there though, by the way, because it's all about me.

It uh.

I had double therapy yesterday, so it was a little bit like h individual and couple, but couples.

I found out something interesting about myself.

I if we're talking about being insulted, I don't mean, I don't mind being called a bitch doesn't hurt me.

It's not like it's it just goes like whatever.

Literally, out of all the insults you could call me as a woman, cunt, bitch, anything that's kind of has to do with your mean doesn't insult me. Now this I had to make this clear because Chris is tiptoeing around those words in there, by the way, because I have been one and I am one when I get threatened. When we've realized it's around like if my free time gets threatened, if anything with my schedule gets threatened, I will like kind of lash out. And I have to

By the way, and when a man does it, he's a CEO.

Yeah exactly. Someone's been listening to the Man by Taylor Swift.

So it is interesting to me.

Okay, wait, hold on, what was that going with this?

So? Oh so growing up, you would think bitch would be a really bad word for me to hear because I got called a bitch all the time I by my mom mom, and everyone is.

Shocked by that.

But that's like the way that the East Coast talks like you're a real piece of shit, Like calling your daughter bitch is not good. I don't think my mom would ever be okay with the fact that she did that if she she knows that she did, because it continues to check. Yeah, it's it would be like I would be playing with my blocks and she no, I'm just kidding.

I would be like, knows block like a bitch right now.

Yeah, well, I gotta go to break.

Let me think about how she would say it, and I'll come back with my mom impression of her calling me a bitch, and we can we can partial this, all right, We'll be back after this.

Okay.

So my mom did call me a bitch a lot as a kid.

And I know this because my sister also got called a bitch a lot and we joke about it all the time. But my mom calls people bitches, you know, like she's a little bit like, but that's different.

That's a festive bitch.

We would be called bitches when we would see it when we reached the age of bitch, which is around puberty, when you start to be like I don't want to yeah, I hate this. Yeah, and you're just saying mean things and you're being you're being a bitch. Yep, you're throwing things, You're going like it's ugly and I hate it, and it's like Christmas morning and you're like, what is Like? I was a fucking great a bitch when I was going through puberty and you know, hormonally.

I become a bitch. And but I don't. I don't.

I didn't care when she would call me that because but the thing is that I think about my mom. She can call us a bitch, you shan't call her a bitch mom. That's why I'm so surprised that it doesn't trigger me. My mom's the worst thing you can call her as a bitch. So that's why I said be before because I'm so used to it. If I talk about I can say you're being a bee. That's

There's no question in my mind.

I don't remember exactly the conversation, but it had to be because it is just this triggering word for my mom. So my question is Noah is the word bitch and Brian to your wife if she seems like she could never be one. But how do you feel about being called at Noah? And how do you feel about saying it?

Brian, I haven't been called a bitch by anyone who is before? Right, I have been a bitch? Do you agree? Is that like crazy?

I've heard you recount things where you're like, wow, I didn't act cool right then and I said this, like really, and I'm talking about early Noah too. Let's talk about Noah before she went to therapy. You had to have been a bitch.

I think being called crazy was the one that triggered me. But being called a bitch is like, okay, great, I'm mean.

Those two words go hand in hand sometimes.

Yeah, cook oh crazy bitch, that's interesting.

Yeah, that'll be bad.

Crazy crazy I kind of like also because let me just say, if Chris were to call me crazy, I'd be like, I go to therapy, I see a psychiatrist.

I might be crazy. At least I'm treating it.

You might like you're not doing anything in like right now, Like my thing would be like call me crazy all you want that. I do have a crazy But I'm doing everything. I literally do everything I can in my within my means. I'm reading the books I'm reading, I'm subscribed to the Instagram accounts I'm doing, I'm journaling. I call me crazy all you want you. That's like calling telling someone they have cancer. You have cancer. It's like, yeah, I know, like, but I'm fine with it because I'm

This makes me good at at writing and then being quiet, sorry, very practical gets your work type of person.

No, you're extremely creative and hilarious, and.

That's why it really takes offense to it either because like I know, I'm funny and plenty of people have called me the opposite of a shoe, so I'm like, well, I think maybe you're just misinterpreting something.

Okay, bitch can be fixed. That's another thing, bitch fixed. That's going to be a new app that I come up with. Bitch fix, Uh is what would be bitch fix. Bitch fix would be like an a meditation app to get you out of like your moodiness.

It would be if it could cut through to someone actually change, like make them recognize their behavior as being bitch.

I think I could. I think I could.

If people were open to the idea that they could be a bitch, I could maybe make an app that would serve me and other bitches out there to calm down, not think about it from like me, like, because I think bitch comes out when you're.

Like, I'm a victim, I had no hand in this whatsoever. Everyone hates me.

And when you are completely insecure lashing out like you're just and you're weak, you're tired, you're hungry, what is it called halt? You're hungry, you're uh anxious, lonely or tired or yeah, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. Yeah, so like establishing those things and figuring out But anyway, I told so, I'm sitting there with the therapist and Chris is like being like, I don't want to say this word. I hate this word. And he's being so said, I go, bitch.

I don't care what you think.

With assertive, you want to be an assertive woman like bad bitch.

Yes, assertive, but that's the problem.

I think assertive comes off this bitch sometimes to different people. Right, Like, let me just let me give you an example. Okay, as no asked me about something.

That let's go through like all the ways in which I could respond to this ask from Noah in person if you called me.

You rarely call me with an ask, but call me with something. And Okay, Nikki, I need you to read these three ads and they're due in like another thirty minutes. And I sent them to you last week, okay, and you, oh, if you send them to me last week, I'm gonna feel bad.

I'm gonna get it done no matter what.

Okay, Okay, Yeah, I know that that's not really like us.

There's no way that I would.

Go fuck you. No, I can't.

Like, let's say, Nikki, you mess up this, Okay, if it was you, you mispronounced this girl's.

Name, and I need it really quick to turn this ad in.

Nicki. You and I'm just telling you now for some reason, even though that's not okay, we're Nicki and Noah in a different dimension. Yeah, Nikki, you misread this name in the ad copy and I need it.

What's the name.

It's uh a Sigourney Weaver.

Oh I said, uh, Sigourney uh Weever, Yes, right, I got Sigourney right.

For some reason, I get the easiest part wrong.

Okay, I don't know why I said weever. Okay, yeah, honestly, Okay, this is me being uh walked all over.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

No, this is that's normally me. Okay, I don't know what I'm trying to do here, but here's here's me being assertive.

Uh.

This could be sorry. Noah, I'm really sorry.

I don't have time to do that. Uh, and I'm not gonna do it.

You gotta just tell them take it as it is, because that name's really confusing. That could be bitch because I'm not like saying it like this, maybe in this tone, which is being like I because this is what happens with Chris and I. He'll ask me to do something and I won't have that tone of like, actually I can't right now, which I probably would with a regular producer,

Time to do that today.

I I'm just like overwhelmed right now, and I think we're actually in really good shape and we don't need to talk about that thing until Tuesday, and we can do it then. But instead I'll go like, no, I don't want to do that. We don't need to do that until Tuesday.

I'm not.

I have a busy day. That's the difference, right, But that's how I talk to my boyfriend, and I'm not. And my point is I'm not annoyed at him.

I'm annoyed a like.

Let's say Bill Lawrence, you you would talk, you would say the first way.

No, No, I would say the first way Bill Lawrence me. He's kind of a closer friend of mine, so I'd probably be like, Bill, what the fuck?

I don't want to do that? No, we don't.

Do you think we really need to do that?

I don't think we need to do that, Like let's wait till so yes, because I'm not fucking Bill Lawrence, so I don't need I don't have.

The same you know what I mean.

But the being a woman is that's that happened.

That's why I made that hilarious joke about and No One that everybody loved about. If when you're a woman, you're a bitch, and when you're a man, you're a CEO. Because men are perceived like that same attitude would be perceived it's like, oh, he's in charge, and it would be positive, but for women it's it's viewed as a negative often and final also joke.

It is behind.

This is interesting because I'm not a lot of the stuff that's like men get this and women get this and it's harder for women. I'm not mad about it, it's just you like to point it out, you know, like it's just I benefit from a world in which men and everyone do expect women to be softer and maybe more cordial. There is there are ways in which I operate in that framework that makes it so maybe people don't think i'm a bit when i'm assert of

Ye, a man has to do it, and I get to just hang out like that's.

You're on the place and there's someone trying to get their bag down and they can't get it down. No one's gonna ask a woman to help them.

I always help me, and I love doing it before men. I fucking love it so much because men just go like, oh shit, that was supposed to be my job. And I'm like, yeah, you were listen. I pilate's bodies got it. I can now I've got I've locked in my shoulders, I know the stance I square them.

Uh huh yeah. I like.

I like helping This woman the other day was like, oh she she was very old and she was at the carousel and we were waiting for her bags and she was like I saw a gopher one.

And I'm like, no way, ma'am.

She's like totally bent over, so broken, and I was like I told her that, I go, you're so.

Broken and no.

I helped her with the bag and I got it and then she was like, oh, this isn't my bag, and so I lugged it back on.

It was very heavy. Oh and when I did it.

When I first did it, she goes, you are you are so sweet, which is just like I love hearing, and she's like, you, you don't have to do a nice thing the rest of the day.

You're done for the day, and I go great.

So then when we put her bag back up, and she goes, now that's my bag, and I go, nope, I already you said I didn't have to do anything nice.

With the rest of the day.

You're on your own.

And I walked away, and then I came back and helped her. But it was funny. Yeah, I don't have to do that stuff.

So there's I do the opposite.

I'm a bitch on the plane because if someone asked me to take their bag down, I literally have to say, well, my cardiologist told me that I can't lift over thirty pounds in each arm, so I can't take down your bag.

Wait is that true?

That's true? But so I but that's what I think, and then I do it anyway and it hurts me.

Wait, wait, my goodness, your cardiologist told you.

Well, I have a heart condition. What when I have? It's not a big deal at least.

This is the one that's not a big deal yet.

Yeah, it's fine, I remember, but they said that don't lift any don't lift over thirty pounds with each arm because it'll exacerbate your heart condition.

So I have not been doing that since then.

And so when someone asked me to take their bag down, I know that their bag is probably over thirty pounds and.

You have to blame.

Then I explain it in my head, and then they.

Just do it because I'm not going to be like I'm not going to be like well yeah, so it's like I should be a bitch, but instead I just take it down.

I go, now I'm going to die a week earlier because of this.

Oh my god, thanks a lot, the ultimate sacrifice. Yeah.

So, and I don't get credit for that. Yeah, that's really I don't know about my heart. In that situation, he said, sorry, can't do it for you.

My heart sucks.

You know, I have any kind of If you say heart condition, we instantly everyone just stops listening, goes.

Okay, never mind.

But even then I don't want there to be a scene. And the whole plane is like looking at me like like it's only for another seven times.

Sorry, I have a heart condition. And then everyone's like, oh god, that was a little it's awkward.

Friend, I.

Ask me a person with a heart condition, thanks for asking, by the way, if I have a how I'm doing you know?

Yeah, there really is no way to announce you have a heart condition when you're all standing up in that like tiny cabin area and everyone's just kind of it's all quiet, and there's no even music playing. The loading music is playing, it's just like the sounds of the playing kind of going.

Like and everyone's just like everyone wants me to take the bag down so that it goes faster.

Yeah, And so now you are like reading your web MD at this one.

Yeah, exactly, yeah, taking it.

It's awful location pills to prove it, yeah, yeah, to prove it, I.

Just have to be since I was thirty five, And how dare you? Honestly, what's even in that thing?

You're still talking as she's like someone else has already gotten it down for her, and you're still explaining fucking nerd heart condition. Yeah, and no one really believes you. But also like, yeah, it's believes you.

No nobody believes you. Oh god, I was a lot of things that no one believes me that I have.

But yeah, that's true, you do, well, Sean, Yeah, well no, still it for debate. Dsw souh my.

Friend Sean has a orien.

Yeah, Sean O'Brien, he has a flight anxiety, which was interesting to me, but only after it lands. He gets very anxious when everyone is eager to get out, and I'm like, so he pops zannies usually or some whatever he has to call himself as soon as the plane lands, which I'm like, once you're landed, I think that's the But he doesn't have a fear of flying. He is a fear of everyone being anxious, which is so child

What what is that? You think?

And I was trying to like help him, Impede. Do you think he's worried for like this, I impede.

No, maybe, like in a dark caveman way, like he's worried about some kind of thing. But I think what it was was because I told him a thing that I do because I sense it a little bit, Like I'm just like everyone e calmed down. When people stend to get nervous around me, I just go the opposite, and I'm like, you all are.

Disgusting, like be cool, this is hell.

Yes, Like I really will like if people around me are like so even on like working on my special If everyone's like, we gotta figure this out.

I will just like lay back in my chair and be like, oh do it?

Like I reject that anxiety. I hate it.

I hate it so much so when I'm on a plane and everyone's getting nervous, I don't even notice I do this until I was talking to Sean.

And examining it.

But I will.

I will keep my sleep mask on after the plane is landed, the lights are on, everyone's bags are packing up, I will stay curled in a ball with like a scarf over my face, not unbuckle my seatbelt because I know I can do everything in such a quick amount of time that it won't affect it won't slowed anything down. I know that for me to take off my pill, pill over my head, put around my scarf, I'm fast. It'll take me one minute. But I like that everyone around me is.

Like this girl, she just even she's not gonna be right.

I like I like that.

The windows so it doesn't it doesn't even matter.

You could sit there and people could pass you by. Who cares if they really do.

All the time.

It's because sometimes I'm like, I gotta wait for my guitar to come up from the gates checked, and so I'm like, I'm not getting off this plane. I'm not getting up out of my seat to wait in that cold hallway anytime sooner.

So people are like or some people tap me, like are you okay.

It's just like I know what I'm doing not And that's very sweet of people because they don't want me to be I've been woken up on planes before when I've slept through and the cleaning crew.

Is like on and like, lamb, you gotta go.

But but yeah, that I believe that to people. If people know Nikki Glazer, it's that she can do things very fast.

That's that's the thing about me.

I was, you know, on F Boy. I I noticed that when you're making your exit after you come in to see the guyser girls, you kind of do a glazier exit.

I fast.

Oh. Ever, it's the most awkward part of my fucking job is exiting out of the boys and girls chats on F Boy and now subsequently F Girl Island, which will be up soon. I can't I don't know how anyone would do that seamlessly. You just kind of go, okay, guys, well have a good party. I don't know how else this okay, how else would you do it?

You gotta just get up and go. They don't need me anymore.

I'm hindering them from meeting the girls who they all want to have sex with, Like you just have to talk to Aunt Nikki for a bit. I feel like I gotta get out of here. I'm a burden to them, so I fucking run. But how else are you supposed to say when you're in a conversation with people and you have to go. I mean, I'm sure I'm a producer's dream in terms of like get her out of here. But I'm wondering what else people would do then say all right, guys, have a good night, see you later.

That's it.

Yeah, No, you do it.

You just do a fast and I'm like, no one notices it. But I'm wondering how slower I get, Like what a would you do to do? Like, what's something that like a.

Hugging everyone instead of just getting up and pivoting? Yeah see, but we wouldn't you We would just not use that, so I guess.

I'm just trying to you come in with your bag and you put it down and you take out a bottle of water, so that slow down.

Whenever I props will like a therapy. I'm always looking up the clock. I hate going to like over their time. I hate being a burden to anyone too much, and so I will start like I'll just like put my like drink in my lap, and then I start kind of like putting my fanny pack and my like, you props do help me signify I'm getting ready to abandon you, and so gear up. Don't be shocked because I think over the years, my Glazer exits have really.

Have been jarring because they're so abrupt. I know they are.

Chris coined Glazer exit because him and his brothers, him and his brother when they were living together, and my friend Sara Alina and Vaughan, they were like, you like leave so fast after you say you're leaving, you leave, and then you leave. Yes, there's no like hey guys and thinking about going, because it's a waste of fucking time. It's a pleasantry that we don't need. If you leave, you leave, and it might be a bit it might be a little bit of a bitch, like I'm leaving, like.

It's too abrupt.

So just as a reminder before you do a Glazer exit on the podcast recording, I have two questions I need to ask you before you leave.

Yeah, get it.

So I'll ask them after we're done recording.

But I know you're gonna do your Blazer exit and be like all right bye, thanks, good job, and then and you're gone.

Oh I Glazer exit after this, Okay, after the recording, give too much.

It's good to know.

So let's like finish this up because I'm dying to hear those questions and no one else gets to know them. There's nothing much. Oh they're not okay, Well, Gemini with a Libra rise again, that's true. I'm enneagram, uh three? And what other things do people want to know about me?

Rice cakes?

Rice cakes?

Yeah, I've oh, I've been doing a thing with rice cakes that I'm obsessed with right that I've been doing for a while. But I am ready to reveal it because it is kind of a weird food thing, but I think it is so delicious and consistency wise, it's a dream.

You get your favorite type of milk. You put some.

Vanilla stevia in it, like one drop or like you know, a whole dropper of it to sweeten it, and then you dip plain rice cakes into the milk to soak it up, because they soak up.

It's like cookies and milk. But you know what cookie is like.

A hard unless it's an nobial cookies there's a lot of car but you know how they're like generally hard, and they don't soak up milk like to the center, and you might want to, like you would have to leave a cookie soaked a really long time to get it really saturated. If you're someone who likes really saturated things.

So that's my that's my seit.

But salt a little salty.

Yes, the salt is always gonna be good.

I get the ones that are unsalted, but if they're lightly salted, it's also delicious because salty and sweet is always good.

Yeah, z salt on a dark chocolate bar.

Yeah, exactly.

But this is more of an anorexic take on that you can put some chocolate powder in it to actually add some sweenis.

But it's not anorexic.

It's just like it is inspired by those same kind of eating habits of like how do I eat as much as I can without my calories? But it is a sweet treat that is not hugely. You can have like five rice cakes and almond milk with stevia and the whole thing ends up being like one hundred and fifty calories and it feels like a big production and it's fun and it's sweeten.

It's a treat.

Okay.

So that's my tip, not a diet tip, just a fun snack tip. And another tip is that the podcast will not be on next week, So eat those rice cakes and I am think of me on the sixteenth. Come to see me on the sixteenth in Seattle, Come to see us in Brea this weekend. Me Brian Frangie and Ori A Findling's brother Noah Findling are gonna be in Brea at the Improv this weekend Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And then I will be in Hollywood doing some random

So excited for those shows. Going skiing before that as a treat to Chris. I hope I don't.

I'm not on crutches on those shows. I won't be because I'm a great skier and great things happen to me. All right, Thank you guys for listening to this podcast. Don't bika and just be a fucking bit Bye.