The Nicky Gliser podcastser.
Nicky, Hello here, I am welcome to the show. It's a Nicky Glazer podcast.
Before we get started, want to remind everyone I'm spent taving a special in Seattle on December sixteenth that's coming up in almost two weeks now in Seattle. Oh shit, noah. And I was like, what does that sound? It sounded like a toy. Yeah yeah, I did, like a windy witch.
Yes.
Yeah, there's two shows on December sixteenth on Saturday. And want besties to go, really want to populate the crowd with them. I'm taping the special for a reputable Yeah, yeah, I really want.
I'm going to start my own call Triplet Flames. Yeah.
And uh so their tickets still available, I think mainly to there's single tickets, a lot of single tickets, I think, not a lot, but enough to the first show if you want to go alone, and then to the second show for sure, there's many. And then I have lots of shows coming up this weekend. Toronto, Toronto, wait, Toronto.
Last time I was there, I kept saying Toronto and everyone was like, it's Toronto, and I'm like, well, then tell your city's spelling because there's an extra tea in there, and I like to hit it Toronto, right, But I'm not going to say that in Toronto, Toronto this weekend.
Louisville, louis Yeah, Louisville. Yeah, that's a.
That's a.
But that's like south like Toronto.
You think Canadians would be meticulous about hitting every celeble.
Yeah, yes, exactly. It's not New York.
City, say, and then uh, Toronto, and then Munhole, Pennsylvania, which is really very close to Pittsburgh. I don't know why all of my things say Munholl because it's not helpful to literally anyone. It's not like I don't know the little cities outside Saint Louis.
So if someone was like, I'm coming to.
Munhole, Missouri, if that was nearby, I wouldn't know, and then I would just miss it.
Because so that's Pittsburgh if you're in the area.
And then and then Saturday in Detroit and tonight at the Funny Bone Detroit, Detroit, Troy, and then uh yeah, tonight in Saint Louis.
So I have four nights in a row. I think, how are you feeling?
How are you feeling two weeks ahead of your special exhausted. I am chronically tired. And it's not because the special I don't think. I'm just like, it's never enough. I always want to get back in there whenever I wake up, even if it's a nightmare, I want to get back in my nightmare.
I want to get back.
I had a nightmare about Marilyn Manson had snuck me on a spaceship, really hot blonde girl, and he was making us make out and I really didn't want to and I couldn't find my shoes and I wanted to go work out.
It's the whole thing.
Wow, Wow, I feel like, who's Marilyn Manson? Is that Chris may Manson?
I think is well. I watched Fargo last night, the new season. Do you watch that?
I wish I did, but I just can't.
I've never What do you mean you can't.
There's no reason why I haven't watched it. I heard it's amazing.
You never watched it, like ever in the history of it's season five. I think I've never watched any season. I have only seen the movie Fargo, which is nothing like the show. But I'm watching the new season and it's terrifying. Killy from Ted last I was in it.
But she doesn't talk like this. Oh, she talks like, you know, oh yeah, we gotta go get the groceries, and oh my god, it's snowing outside and everyone has this like really, I guess it's the Minnesota accent sounds fake, especially when you expect the person saying it to sound very British.
Yeah, she's right.
I think she's.
British as fuck, man like, but who knows. Maybe she's putting on that accent for ted Lesard. No, I think she's very British. But she is nailing that accent and she's great in this, but it's so scary. There's this one scene in the first episode spoiler alert, but it's not like it's early in the episode, so I don't know if that counts as a spoiler.
I'm bad at spoilers. I'm sorry everyone.
I know I ruined everything for you, But like, maybe this is the way you're supposed to hear it the first time, and maybe you can have the same kind of shock that you would in this moment. But it happens like within the first I would say, fifteen minutes of the episode, probably earlier.
It happens with the first fifteen episodes.
Yeah, we watched three episodes last night. It was a lot. But it's so scary. It's so I would never be able to watch this alone. Never. What is scary?
Is it like monster scari like murder scary? It's murder scary. It's like psychopath mean people scary. John Hamm plays a really bad person. Man, does he play it well? He does a better job of playing mean people than nice people, which hmmm, I wonder why so read Kathy Griffith's book, so I uh read.
Read it also makes him three dimensional because he presents himself like a nice guy and so when he's mean, it like really adds to.
The Oh he's scary at fuck man, you don't want to get on his bad side. That that Don Draper, that like the stern drawn Draper comes out. That's why I think John, I think he's more like I think he is like Don Draper.
There's two sides to that guy.
But he is evil in this so scary as a nipples pierced, which is weird.
I don't even know how they fake that he can't be pierced.
Yeah, that barreled chest with those nipples piers and then at one point, he gets out of a tub and you know he notoriously has his packing because we've which is none of our business, but we've but gun or balls come on Ham John Ham's Ham.
Do you remember all the pictures he's got that ham bone?
You don't remember this.
I don't seek out John Ham's.
Neither did I. But they were everywhere everywhere? Yeah, I really no. What do you remember?
Yes, everywhere, but somehow coming through your window right now?
See why is it on your screen? Yeah, it's it's zooming in. Yeah. So it's he gets out of a hot tub.
And he had to have had that thing tacked on because the way his legs are spread, you would be able to see it through the back like we only see a backside shot. Oh so the whole time, I'm like waiting for it to drop, because like a wrap up, but it never does.
Well, hot though, you know that's that's shrinkage, Just George, that's hot. Yeah but hot right, so cold as shrinkage. I feel like you'll shrink either way.
Well, that's your experience.
We just learned something of you.
Makes it loose.
Mine gets really big and cold.
Wait whoa yes, wait, I was thinking the other day that like because I'm I'm talking about in my set, I'm talking about like how your vagina like changes shape as you get older, and like you know, gravity just takes hold of everything. And men must be excited about gravity for their dicks, right, like when it gets older, it gets saggier. They must like the sagginess for their penis, I know, not for your balls.
That's probably the problem is the balls which are outside our body, which is a you know, I think a design flaw, but they do. I have heard tail as you would that be outside just to keep it cooler. It needs to be two degrees cooler so that the spurms way.
Is that true?
True?
Yeah?
Oh my god, But you know it's like can't you just you know, make the pelvic area love like grilling and like refrigeration stats that's a man thing to be, Like we gotta keep it outside because like you guys love like taking food and putting it in different places to make it the best or like I don't know what I'm trying to say, but okay.
No about that station plumbing. But yeah, I've heard tail that when you get older, your balls can sack slowly hit the toilet water when you sit down. Oh yeah, so luckily I'm not there, and I think there's.
More toilet water, I know, touching that sack.
Yeah, you feel bad if the toilet water have a GoFundMe. That's trying to change this, but mostly it just sucks because you'd have no control over it. I can't do keegeles for it or anything. It's just sagging.
And I don't think it's You're nice though, that you can't do anything. It's just the way it is.
It's freeing that. Yeah, your balls are gonna like that. You're gonna get older, and your nose is gonna get bigger, your ears are gonna get bigger. Your ball sack's gonnaet bigger. And I think your dick stays the same, which makes it a disproportionate a little bit.
When it's oh yeah, well it's got a.
It's got a it's got a droop a little bit based on just gravity, like when it's when it's soft, it's got to like sag more.
Yeah, I mean i've seen some all which is at school.
I'm trying to get my kid.
Yeah, I think I've seen you know, it's hard to say because i've seen old man dicks before, like in the gym, locker room or something, and I always think they're big. Whenever I see one, I think it's.
Gigantic, So maybe, yeah, that's the sag effect.
I've never like looked over at someone at a Europe and be like, oh boy, tiny dick, that's tough for you. Always over every time I go and I peek over just to see what I'm working against and against you seension, I've never seen one and I was like, oh good, I'm this is a really small dick you have. It's always been like, whoa, how the fuck were you from Europe? I always think they're from eastern Europe or something. That's why their dicks are so big. I don't know why
I think you're what that is about? Yeah, I don't know.
I want to talk about Oh yeah, John ham So Jon Hamm is in the show. He's evil, and then Kaylee, isn't it that? And I love Keeley's teeth. If everyone knows what I'm talking about. Kiely from ted Lasso. Yeah,
she's got like these. She's got like a lip that goes out by her teeth, and her teeth that like kind of look like they're like like they're you're doing this with your hands like when you do like cat hands and you're like where are like her teeth all go together, but they're they're not like crooked they I love her mouth.
I'm obsessed with it. And even no her name is, it kind of looks like temple.
Mouth. Yeah. Well, Chris kept saying she looks like Kirsten and I didn't see it, so maybe that's true. Like there's just like, yeah, maybe it does have a little bit of there's like it's like a cat mouth. She kind of has a cat mouth where it's like there's like the lips that go over, Like she looks like she's in the movie Cats, you know, Like however when that movie had like a there's but I love it. I'm like obsessed with how when she like smiles and
it just like comes up. It's not like most people smile where it's like gets big.
She just like lifts.
Uh.
It's so good looking at a picture of her, she looks like Jamie Lee. She's so cute.
Doesn't look like Jamie Lee ye.
Ted last for ted Lasson.
Yeah. Yeah, So she's in it, and she in one scene is sitting in her like TV room knitting, and it's the scariest.
Thing I've ever seen in my life.
She's like watching TV and she's like watching this like Minnesota Morning Show and she's kind of just like, oh, just like watching it and like kind of laughing along, and like you can tell she's a real simple lady. And then all of a sudden, this guy with like a burlap sack mask over his face, real tall guy walks up during the daytime, which makes it even creepier for some reason, walks up up to her window, like you know, it's like a full length almost door type
window thing like right next to the TV. And he's carrying a hammer and he's just very calmly looking at her and just walks up and it's just very slowly.
I don't like that.
I wanted to be fast. If you're gonna attack to it fast, yes, And so she is just like she's sitting there and she's just like and he walked. Then he slowly starts pacing around to another window and he's standing there and that's when I close my eyes and I go, Chris, I cannot handle this. You're gonna have to pretend like I'm blind, Like You're gonna have to describe it to me. Pretend I'm you're blind. Like Chris
dated a girl who was blind in the past. He was having who was going blind, and she was like going to be fully blind. And I think he kind of liked it because it's like he loves to help. And so I was like, I don't think it bothered him at all. I think he loved it. Like I don't think he if I told him, you know, those girls give those scenarios like what if I had no
arms or legs? Would you still love me? There's a part of me that thinks Chris would like me more like it would be he would be more there for me. He loves to help, right, so relationship goals someday Fingers crossed. I can tap my hammer, so I am baring my face into the couch, but not too much because my couch is white and I always have broadcha on my face, so I like put a blanket.
Then my face my fucking couch.
I can't even sit on my with my pure body because I always have tan that's gonna come off on it. So never been able to sit upon my couch, so I'm hiding my eyes and I'm like, Chris, you've got
to describe the scene to me. You got and he's not very good, like he'd be a great blind boyfriend and like boyfriend to the blind and in terms of like helping getting my cane, like getting things warm, me making sure like I but if he's got to step it up, if I'm gonna go blind with show description, because he's like because then I will see the scene change because I'll see like a flicker of light.
And I'm like, okay, now what And he's like, oh now, the guy with a hammer is like inside the house.
I'm like, how did he get in? Like he's not telling me the So then I like went over to him and I'm like, you gotta tell me, Like I'm your blind ex girlfriend. Pretend i'm her and I know her name, and so I was like, you got it. And so now I'm like, pretend i'm her, and he's like, your tits need to be bigger, and so then I started inflating my tits and he was like bigger, bigger, and and then I got almost offended. I was like, wait,
did your blind girlfriend have huge boobs? And he's like yeah, And I was like then I was like, I'm going over the other side of the couch. I have small boobs, I'm not even blind, and I got like hurt.
While the background, John Hamm is hammering this woman.
Yes, but she she she does. Yeah, she's a big part of the show. So I knew she wasn't gonna get hammered to death. He didn't hammer, but he But it's so scary, do you you agree? So scary to see someone slow when they are ready to murder.
Also worst death imaginable hammer.
God.
Did you see the new Batman movie with Robert Pattinson. It's of course not okay, Well, there's a little bit of that hammer slow hammer action in that there slow hammer, slow hammer. I mean this is really truly creepy. Uh slow hammer action. That the villain is played by the guy the the guy who played the young priest. And there will be blood. Did you see there will be blood with also.
Slow hammer action that wait, no, no, no, that's the other one there was.
There will be the blood. And then there's like the one with the cattle, with the cattle, Oh yeah, that's god, what the hell is that came out at the same time.
No Country, No Country for Old man, those two movies came at the same time, and it's like, what is going on in the world?
Yeah that was so that movie's all slow hammer.
This year is crazy.
Uh well yeah that both both advertayes okay they do, okay, yeah.
Well you know, No Country for Old Man has one of like the most horrifying deaths of all time, which is when he's impersonating the police officer. He pulls over the person and then he has the thing that shoots air into cattle's heads to kill them, and he just says it's it's almost like the guy is going under
a sobriety test and he says, stand still. And the worst part is is he's just complicit and docile and he stands there and he's like, yes, sir, and just like that, he drops down, takes the car, drives off.
There's a lot of depths like that, Yes, like calm psychopath. That's where that's when we started calling this guy a psychopath. Like we don't even know his name, but I just keep going because that if he were like frantic, we would just be calling him like the killer, but instead we're calling him psychopath because and it was interesting to me because I'm like, why is Chris all of a sudden saying okay, now the psychopath is I'm like, he
made up that term because this guy is too calm. Yeah, but also I watched an interview with a psychopath the other day that was really interesting real Yeah.
It was Peers Morgan being interviewed and.
Nice Peers Morgan, who I don't particularly like, but he was interviewing this child psychopath who killed his sister when he was twelve and she was like six, and they were like, they had all this footage of them being like sweet brother and sister, and then he murdered his
sister's Americans. He murdered his sister because he hated his mom and he was gonna murder his mom, but he decided the thing that it would hurt his mom more is to murder his sister, because it would not only take away his sister, but it would also take away him for prison for life.
And he wanted to hurt his mom.
As deeply as possible, and so that was his reason because he was planning on murdering his mom. But there's all this footage of them as kids and him being so sweet to his sister, looking after her like you would think they were like the best.
He was the best little brother in the world.
So it's truly and then Piers Morgan interviews him, and this guy's face just looks so like you've seen memes of this guy's face.
It's fucking scary as fuck. But I was so scary.
I think that's why I had the Marilyn Manson dream last night. It's because of the hammertime of just like like scary looking cal murderers. And yeah, and so Fargo was terrifying. Chris described it all to me, it sounded terrifying at least, Oh my god, it but it's really good. I'm actually looking forward to watching more of it because we watched three episodes and I was like kind of
had to twist my arm to walk to it. At first, I really wanted to watch another doc that I Apparently there's this doc called like The Truth of Love or Love Is the Way or Love is the I forget what it is, but all of my friends on girls Chat are freaking out about it, saying it's the most fucked up doc yet. So if you know what I'm talking, Robin Williams is involved somehow. I don't even know what, I know, why are you pulling him into this? But like I guess they are making him some sort of
prophet or something I don't even understand. But we're gonna go to break and come back with more after this. This morning, I woke up to my favorite It's my favorite time of year. It might be my favorite day of the year, I think, besides maybe like the day before Christmas.
I really like the day.
Before Christmas because it's like, you know, gooning for Christmas.
But this day is pretty good.
Yeah, yeah, I guess they call it that. Yeah, yeah, gooning.
Yeah, let it goon, let it goon, Let it goon Okay, So today is Spotify wrapped?
Oh yeah, I got it.
Did you get yours? Do you listen to Spotify?
Do?
Okay? Lot?
I mean Kirsten doesn't.
Anya barely does it, and I think she rolls her eyes at it because I think she is just like you know, she's she's she's upset with Spotify because she gets those checks.
For like Spotify makes people who have Pandora feel so bad. It's like having an Apple phone versus having uh a droid Android. Yeah, It's like I'm sorry.
So I switched from art. I was an audio baby back in the day.
That's like Chris, Yeah, it's gone now, But I used to use a different service until spot Then Spotify Wrapped came out maybe the first or second time, and I was like, I can't miss this again. This is exciting. I like finding out things about myself. This is like taking an enneagram and like you're and if you're someone who likes music, it's just so fun to see your data.
And I know it's like they sell it all and they use it all against you, but it's so I love Spotify rap and I hate everyone being snarky about it. I like people Spotify raps are so snarky about Spotify. They hate it because everyone is bragging about how cool their music tastes are or whatever. And everyone who has lame music tastes or doesn't use Spotify wrapped or are so or like uses Apple Music, are so jealous.
Yeah, and they don't like it.
But it's fun.
It's fun and you are just open your mind to it, like be interested in other people find it. It tells you so much about someone. So wait, let's look at let's hear your Spotify rapped. This is exciting because you're looking at it for the first time.
Says me, I'm opening Spotify for the first time.
Well, it has to take you through that whole fucking stuy. I don't like how long the stories say. It's pretty well, this year you visited seven countries with your music, and then it's bump burn bank Bank, and then this country's come up slowly, and you're like, I don't give a fuck where.
My music was.
Yeah, look at this bullshit. Oh hell you wow you hey, Brian, I can't read what that says, Brian. You gotta tell us it's rap time.
Twenty twenty three was a feast for your ears. You listened to fifty seven genres.
What I only listened to seven? A fifty seven?
No, no, Now it's showing me a sandwich.
I know the sandwich graphic goes on for a bit. The most you listened to was okay. Now look now it's showing you Okay.
Rap was number one. I was just surprised. I guess I can really listen to a lot of rap at the end of the year, because I was whenever I work out, I listened to like hardcore rap to really pump me up. Yeah, from like the Creed soundtrack or something.
Okay, people there, Oh it's not you don't listen to Creed. You listen to the Creed.
Breed soundtrack with Michael B. Jordan. You played two thousand songs. One really connected. It was the main theme from The Dark Knight Rises. Oh, because I listened to that when I'm writing. What it's like. It's like it's like a classical, intense music. I just listened to it. What I do is I listened to it over and over again on repeat. Yeah. So the main theme from The Dark Knight Rises is my number one song. And then number too is you make Me Feel Like Dancing? Stop?
Wait, what's that one?
Dancing?
I want to dance?
Dan, that's not a great song.
When do you listen to that? What are you doing? I think I used to listen to that every morning. Uh, and when I get up to make myself feel better about my life.
That's so cute.
And then get Out of My Way, which is a rap song that is really good for working out too, and then a Game of Thrones soundtrack because I would listen to that when I was writing, and then another a song from Creed. These are weird, I mean, this is like a wait, mine tells me?
So I thought it was going to tell me where I like, what's where my music is from? Because it's like you're listening all over the world. It's where you live. What what city in the world you listened most? Like, Oh wow, I feel pretty cool. Mine's Cambridge, Massachusetts.
Oh wow, very smart? Harvard? Baby wow, I was just in Cambridge. Oh yeah, very smart. Mine is Saint Louis Epispo, which is where Apple is.
Really that's where she's for.
I think that's where she's No, that's Copertino, San Louibispo is where cal Polly is.
Oh yes, I'm I'm a big cal poly guy.
Okay, yes, thought people.
They are far more likely to be fans of Duckworth, asap Ferg and Dreamville.
Just like, Oh my god, my number one song was released July seventh, so I've only had since July seventh to listen to it, and I listened to it.
Did you tell you how many times you listened to that one song?
No? Yeah, no, I have more things to go through.
What I really want to know it should be the fourth slide, the fourth slide. Yeah, I'll tell you how many Okay, you.
Had room in your heart for more than for more than one favorite, it says, Oh, it doesn't tell me that I listened to one song.
Sorry, Then that's the slide before that.
You played twenty four hundred and seventy nine songs in twenty twenty three, and there was really only one that connected Hans Zimmern' kid, this is your.
Most place.
The Dark Night Rise.
Wow, okay, how many times.
You played it? One hundred and seventeen times this year? So not that many.
That's pretty that's pretty many.
Yeah.
Mine was you played fourteen hundred and eighty six songs, which is.
Way less than you. Yeah. I have a lot of genres, and.
There's one that really connected, and it was Taylor Swifts I can see you from the vault from speaking now vault, and I played it one hundred and twelve times, which seems low to me since July seventh, but only that was my favorite song to listen to on a treadmill and also in the shower for like pretty much all of August and September. I was listening to that song when I showered. It was I couldn't even shower so fast.
I would barely get through the song. But I just I would pretend that because it's a song about like when you like you're you are, like having a crush on someone and you can't be together and they and like everyone knows, but like no one knows, no one can know. It's like my favorite kind of like fantasy is when two people like each other and they can't tell anyone and it's super hot and they're and it's yeah, so it's a romance novels.
No, I feel like you'd get real horned up for a romance novel.
Yeah, maybe watching all those crime docs.
Yeah, I know, I like people get hit with the hammers while your boyfriend tells you your tits need to be bigger romance novels.
Romance novels.
No.
By the way, Kristen confirmed that I have the best hits that he could imagine, and so that was nice and I want to exactly exactly. Big does not equal good all the time, but he But yeah, I think romance novels for me are too saccharine and too like they're they they don't cause I've never been horny from I've read books where there's been like love interests, like will they won't they and it doesn't do for me what certain scenes and movies.
I'm a pretty visual You watch Bridgerton.
Yeah that was kind of hot, but it wasn't super hot.
Like I made Chris watch this movie the other day, My favorite movie ever, The Worst Person in the World. It's Norwegian film and there is a scene this girl like cheats on her boyfriend. It's not the best movie to watch with her boyfriend. Be like I love this movie and the girls like just cheating on him wildly but.
Wildly.
Yeah, Like she just makes a decision.
And then goes for it.
But it it is so hot to me when two people really want to but they can't and they won't.
They they'll do everything except like, oh, I love it so much.
Like if I were to role play with Chris, it would be like us, we're in relationships with other people and we're like cheating with each other. Like that's which is unfortunate because it's like it the thing that turns me on is like doing a like betraying someone I love. It's like inherently in the fantasy. But I just like it and I can see you, Yeah, I gotta have.
It's all about the visual or about what's happening. It's got to be the mental aspect that leads up to it.
Well, it's got to be that we can't ever be together because I'm scared of intimacy, so I don't really want us to ever be together. So my my dream is to never have a chance to actually be with you. I don't know why I don't have more crushes on people in prison. Yeah, because that's the ultimate. I can't be with them.
Really, A horned up book called Romeo and Juliet.
I think that's what I think. That's what fucking did it to me is that movie in eighth grade.
It's got everything on request. It's got suicide teens, it's.
Got a fish tank, it's got kissing in a pool, it's got suicide.
Yeah, I love it.
I loved everything about that movie. It's that That what I think that really did affect my brain today to talk about that. Yeah, I have never heard of it. But there's just a movie that I really loved. Boz Lerman wrote this.
Movie, beist movie deep Water that came. Yes, I did.
That was no because she, like he knew she was cheating on him, and so it's not fun. Like he knew he was being cooked and that's no fun, Like I need them to be like getting.
Away with it. Yeah, well I never cheated on anyone, by.
The way, so this isn't I've been a part of being I've I've been with men who are cheating on their girlfriend, and that, sorry, has turned me on in the past.
I hate to say it, but I've never I don't. I don't know what. I don't like the idea of I guess I yeah.
I just like when two people like they wish they could be together and like if circumstances were different, we would, but we can't. Like that is so hot to me, Like if this dumb woman didn't exist, like it would be us because that is so many times, Like think of how many shows you root for a person who's cheating on his girlfriend to be with the girl, but then in real life we go, how dare she? That's the way, he's such a fucking scum. But in Friends.
I've made this point before, but it's so funny how we pick and choose, like a man who cheats is a fucking Doug and then we go like.
God, Ross, leave Julie, go for Rachel.
Every single plot to every every you know, oh, Ross leave, Uh, Emma, go for go for Rachel, go for Jim Pam Gopher, Jim, Meg Ryan leave, Greg Kinnear, Meg Ryan Leave, Bill Pullman, Gopher, Tom hangs Like every single time we're rooting for people.
To cheat, trying to break up with people. That's really really Maybe that is what we really liked. It's great to see her breaking up with someone.
Yeah, okay, what I had roomined my heart for one more favorite you romantic you.
Oh God. I hate when they, like an ed bot talks to you like it's your front.
Yeah, no, no, thank you.
Spotify, just tell me what I need to know.
My top songs were I Can See You by Taylor Swift number two, which I predicted on my Instagram story. I thought this was gonna win my Spotify Route because I was so obsessed with it. Not Strong Enough by Boy Genius, one of the best songs ever. Number three, You're on Your Own Kid, which came out last year. I don't know that if it made Spotify Route last year because it came out in late October last year,
so probably didn't make it. Lavender Hayes Taylor Swift, and then number five the National new order t shirt, which is one of my favorite songs of all time too, and I really got into that probably two months ago.
I was like listening to it on repeat.
For songs and three others three Swift, two others. Well, what I'm really interested in this is probably your point of pride, is what percentage of Swifties you're in? Does it? Did it do that this year?
Oh?
Yeah it did? Okay, Well that's let's that's the headliner of this little segment is what percentage.
I'm happy to tell you that I am in the one percent? Oh my, seriously, Yes, I made it to the one percent. My peak listening month for Taylor was October. I uh, yes I did. I'm very excited to tell everyone I did make it in the top one percent. And then Taylor Swift also like made a special message for all the people who listened the most.
Really, so I got that.
Yeah, she's like backstage and her lover outfit from tour and shed a special note. But yeah, I got one percent, which I'm very happy about it, thank you. Although I do there are people that are gonna get I mean, I've been in the Taylor Swift subreddit and it's like girls are in the point one percent point oh two percent.
I mean, it will give you like all the way up to that, so it's not it's pretty good because Taylor Swift is the most popular artist on the planet next to Bad Bunny, which I don't couldn't name one song, but honestly, bad Bunny. I mean, I know it's not in our language, so that's probably, but I couldn't even recognize the sound of Bad Bunny, and that's on me. I should have watched his l That is a great question,
and I don't know. I don't know the answer to it, but yeah, it feels good to be in the one percent. It's an exciting day. I really thought I wasn't gonna win because she's gotten so popular over the past year. I thought, there's no way I'm gonna make in the one percent. I don't listen all the time. There are Swifties that leave their phones on constantly because of this moment. They want Spotify wrapped point one percent, and so they're
gonna get it. I wasn't trying and I gott in the one percent, so I'm pretty proud of that.
I wonder if I'm in the one percent of Hans Zimmer listeners.
Probably the only.
Imagine Zimmer listeners. You are the only one that listened to Hans Zimmer.
I speaking of like listening to something when you're working, I like, when I'm writing, I feel like the best music is something you are.
You don't know the words too fully.
Or there can't be any words.
Yeah, instrumental. I would imagine that's true. I like, I, for some reason have liked stuff that I don't really know the full words too.
But I'm like wanting to learn the words too, but I'm not focused on.
It too much.
And so the other day I got obsessed with the song that I've only heard on tiktoks really okay up until, like I guess it was two weeks ago. I would where was I. I was in Portland, which I called Seattle from stage. By the way, it was so embarrassing. I was in Portland and on stage I called them Seattle. But then I go, what's the fucking difference? And they laughed because I felt raining outside it's cold, there's it feels amphibious outside. You guys are all wearing marmot jackets.
Come on, you know, like but and I go, I said, Seattle because I'm taping a special there.
I'm sorry.
I felt so bad because I would be so pissed if someone came to Saint Louis and was like, Kansas City, what's the And I made a joke of what's the difference, Like obviously I was trying to be funny, but I felt I couldn't get it out of my head. Like the rest of my set, I was just like so embarrassed, so sad, wanting to make it up to them. I felt like I all I owed them refunds for their tickets,
like it was like this weird shame spiral. I went in too, but I was in Portland and I was writing all day, working on my special before my show out a Starbucks, and in my headphones, I was playing this new this song I'd only heard on TikTok's or like on reels or reposts, because I don't go on TikTok. And I always have to just say that because people are going to be like, she's lying, she is on TikTok, But I really and I'm not. I am kind of
proud of myself for it, because it's like trying. It's like trying not to vape when you have a vape on your phone, and I think it's I think TikTok is true. It's the it's the number one app that everyone spends the.
Most time on.
I think now it's TikTok.
It's yeah, TikTok is I think the one that's the biggest time suck. I saw some graph recently, and I think it's the number one that everyone's losing their killing teenagers, right.
I just I think it does have the most views. I mean, but it definitely has the it's the most views, but it's not the most substantial viewership, Like it doesn't really mean as much what people do on TikTok as It doesn't.
That's what I'm saying. It's it's what they're doing. It's they're not even getting anything out of it.
I mean maybe some people are, but brain damage. But there's this one song. Wait, do you want TikTok to whatt do you ever go on? No? No, really you I want to abstain from it. I wish I didn't go on any social media like Instagram.
Yeah, but Instagram, you you do do?
I do do?
And then how often do you do that?
Probably like through the day especially when I'm bored or like waiting for audio to render, I just scroll through.
Okay, and you don't.
You don't do it YouTube ever.
Uh not unless I'm looking for like a podcast or like a particular thing. I used to not be a YouTuber either, Like I'm like, why do people just go on YouTube and just like let videos roll into each other?
Or like you just what do you do?
Like I only go to YouTube to like look up a certain video. But now that I'm subscribed to certain things and it knows what I like, Like I can go on the home thing and it's it's serving me up stuff.
I like you has the best algorithm. It knows what you want to watch before you even realize you want to.
Watch it, truly.
And what's great about YouTube is that it's longer form content. So like if you're on Instagram or TikTok, you have to constantly be interacting with your phone, whereas like if you're cooking or something and you just want some quote unquote content to be playing, you can just hit play on a twenty minute YouTube video and it's just someone
talking or whatever. Sometimes it's the Nikki Glazer podcast on YouTube, but other times it's just like whatever, it's just gonna be anything, and it's just background noise most of the time that you don't have to keep interacting with, which is why TikTok is flawed, because you have to like constantly touch TikTok in order for it to keep serving content. Or also, I'll just show you the same thirty seconds on repeat, over and over again.
Can I ask a question and I want someone's got to help. If you guys don't do TikTok, so I don't think you'll know the answer to this.
I do TikTok, you do, okay?
Why on TikTok's when a girl is like telling a story or whatever, do they constantly like have to touch it, Like after they go like, okay, I'm telling a story and they're like and then he there, and then they touch again, and then it like goes to the next Like why why can't they just tell the whole story and then edit it later?
Why do they keep touching it?
I mean it might be the in app editing software that they're using that they're touching it to stop and start?
Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
Like, I hope someone listening knows what she'll be like, So I went to the store today and you know, I usually take Gracie to the market around eleven am.
Click, So then we go it.
It's like, just tell the story and stop and then why do we have to watch your arm go in for the click every time around that? That's why I annoyed. If it's an editing, then cut around your arm clicking on it? Does it jump cut? Is it like an intentional jump cut? It's it's a it's a jump cut to the next thing. But they don't take out their arm touching the thing like that's a part of it. So we got to watch your arm go in to press on the phone each time. It's so annoying. I don't get it.
But anyway, like.
Such boomers, right, and we're like, we don't know who bad Bunny is and why is it on TikTok to it?
Well, I will say Bad Bunny is probably a prolific and amazing musician, and I just he's like the Pele of music and I just have never heard, you know, like I don't know, like he's he's messy, like he's bigger than anyone I could ever imagine.
But I don't I'm somehow out of it. I am a loser for that.
But this TikTok thing I'm not an old person is just a waste of everyone's time. To see your arms stretch forward to touch the thing, Well, I don't get it.
That's why they get passed by Lionel Messi, by the way, number one amount of followers on Instagram. He has the most out of anybody.
It doesn't surprise me anymore. It used to because I was just like, who is this and why do so like? But now I get it.
Soccer is every Did you know who Lione almost?
He was?
No, you look confused.
I thought he was like a tennis player. But soccer makes sense.
Yeah, I return to the Spotify rapped real quick.
Yeah you so so.
My top artists are the guy who made the Game of Throne soundtrack, and then Hans Zimmer, and then Billy Joel and then Louis Prima and then Lindsay Sterling is number five. I don't know who that is. I do who is that? She's a violinist on the Hans Zimmer song or something that you have someone you don't even know, And then it says, hold up, there's someone on the other line, and it's like, oh, who is it gonna be? And then it's a video from Lindsay Sterling.
And she's thanking you for listening to her. I don't even know who this youthing.
It looks like you're done Jack.
It does look a lot like that's so funny that Sterling. But I don't even know that is if she likes you.
Rap is not uh to like four people, you're one of them.
I mean, I'm I'm surprised they were able to get Lindsay Sterling to do a video.
Can I just say about the YouTube algorithm? I get sent like I will see myself pop up on there all the time. I don't watch anything of myself but there the other day. It's so embarrassing because my own podcast has like four thousand views at most. But then I will there will be a clip that's like Theovaughn talks to these women. It's like the other day it was a clip that just said Theovonn talking to women and my face was on like the cover of it, and it had like six hundred thousand views.
It was posted an hour ago. It was like, what the fuck?
Like, yeah, it is just so out of control how much I I don't understand what's going on over there.
Yeah, I mean that the numbers on YouTube are shocking. It doesn't make any sense.
And then it hurts my feelings.
Yeah, it doesn't make sense that if that low, because we know for a fact that there's more than three thousand people. There's substantially more more than three thousand people that listen to this podcast. And yes, on YouTube, the numbers are so incredibly backwards it doesn't make any sense. Like there are there are shows.
I don't want to give it a view, but I don't want to see a comment, so I can't give it a view because.
The YouTube comments are the only ones I actually read. The YouTube relents are actually pretty cordial and friendly.
But oh that's good, let's keep it that way please. Maybe that's why we don't want our numbers going up. That's what it's circut means.
But it is shocking that well, so for THEO Vaughn like, it's it's the subscriber base like he already has. You know, however many millions of YouTube subscribers, and we don't We just don't have that subscriber base yet. And uh, I don't know why I don't know why Nikki Glazer besties don't use YouTube as much as they will listen to a podcast, But it's just a fact.
Yeah, throw a sub on YouTube.
It would It would mean a lot, even if you don't use your YouTube account a lot, Like just go give us a sub like not that, yeah, because it awesome and then like thumbs up our videos when they when you do go on there and see it, like just throw us the thumbs up.
You not at all to subscribe to someone on YouTube, especially if you don't use it, because it's not like Instagram.
It could hurt them.
What if their phone's cracked and their thumb hits the crack and it slices it as they're subscribing.
Yeah, okay, so you don't have to do if your phone's cracked, you don't have to do this, okay, yeah yeah, if you have a good phone, Yeah yeah, it hurts you not at all because when you subscribe to something on YouTube, it's not like Instagram, where it shows how many people you're following and it's like, oh, it's so embarrassing I have I don't have as many followers as I am following. Right, you could subscribe to a million YouTube channels and no one will know.
Oh that's a good point, and not that anyone would run to hide that they're subscribing to us.
What a shameful thing.
Yeah, that'd be amazing if you go do that right now, and then we'll see you back here after the break.
Okay, we're back.
Going to tomorrow, Yeah, going to Canada tomorrow. I always get nervous to go to Canada because you have to go through custom customs and.
They get mad at me. But I feel okay about it this time.
I don't know, and I gotta remember my passport, even though I've never forgotten it.
But it's just like it's that's weighing on me and just I don't know.
I just I got a lot of anxieties about going up there and what they're gonna, how they're gonna just going through.
I just don't like customs.
I really think that I would if it were up to me, I'd never leave America again because I'm so scared of customs and it gives me so much. It's like Taylor with the sucker thing at the at the dentist. It doesn't make sense, but customs take too much time. The line is always too long, it's too windy. Then you have to go in, you have to get your bags. Then you have to show like a little piece of paper to the guy as you leave with your bags. And that guy you always feel like is going to
detain you. Too many chances for detainment, yes, and they're always mean and I don't like it, but I am excited to go to Toronto.
Yeah.
Well, when I was back from Australia, they but when I was leaving Australia, they interviewed me and they're like, do you have any fruit? I can't do an Australian accent, but they ask you all these questions like do you have any fruit? Did you bring a boomerang? I thought all I have is a boomerang. I bought a boomerang from an Indigenous man. And they're like, well, that's going to be fine. But I didn't.
I thought you were gonna be that's gonna be fined.
Yeah, but I did get detained at the border when I went to Montreal. I was because I have a criminal record for when I was in college and I got caught underage drinking and so yeah.
They I was did they like bust up a party and like write you all tickets.
Yeah, well it's it's embarrassing because I had my brothers expired learners permit that uh and I gave it to a cop and he said, well, now you're going to jail because he tried this bullshit and so he took me. I actually have a bit about it that I tell, but he took me to jail. I was dressed like the f from Happy Days because I was at a Halloween party. Goddamn. Yeah. But years later, I'm going to Canada and they detained me at the border almost said border like a can you wait?
You took a picture like a mug shot as the fawns.
No, no mugshot. I went into the drunk tanks so they didn't take a month. Oh I got it, okay, damn drug tank overnight night.
Fuck.
But I was detained at the border and the Canadians were like they kept me there for like an hour and the border crossing and they looked up my criminal record and they said what were you arrested for? And I was like underage drinking and then and then they were like how old were you? And I was like I was twenty when they arrested me and they drink at eighteen and they're like, oh it's eighteen here, so get Yeah. Then they let me in.
I have a little bot blue.
Yeah, but I was at them. I was sitting there for an hour. Yeah, they were like investigating me.
I was like, really, yeah, I got I got things like sponged from my record and every time I go through, I go was it a sponge?
Well, so mine was supposed to be expunged. I went to my class.
They don't exponge everything.
Really exponge if if you're a different government than you can find out if like all the exponged it. But it's not like other foreign governments aren't going to be able to do their research. They do have anything to do with us, right, wanted to find out if I got a ticket, they're going to find out.
I don't think you could go to Canada if you have a duy, like if you've had a DUI in America, that's the reason you would have access to that. I'm just kidding.
I love Canada. I don't know the database. Man, it's all in the cloud because it's on your Instagram. Maybe don't post on Instagram.
Oh yeah, but no, I think that that's all they have access.
To that stuff.
So it's like a global database.
I guess, sharing information and they have their ways.
Yeah, it's but I'm excited to go there because the girl that is opening for me, Norhadidi, she is like, she's a swift and so we're gonna swift the fuck out go pretty crazy because we get we get into.
Some pretty intense stuff.
And I'm very excited because Taylor finally put on Spotify this new song that was only on this like special
target edition of her album. It's called You're Losing Me, and she wrote it about her boyfriend, who, like they clearly it's a Midnights, it's an extra Midnight song, and Midnights is a breakup album, even though there's lots of songs about Joe being like, oh I love him so much, but like we all know now as a breakup album because now they're broken up, and like obviously when she was writing that album, it was the beginning of the end, because no one breaks up immediately when they're ready to
break up. It's like takes a while, especially when you're a seven year relationship. So the song You're Losing Me is so good and it's all about like he's not. She's like, how do you how do you not even under How did you not see the signs coming? How is this surprising to you? You like kind of you were.
Like, wait, let me look at the lyrics because they're so good.
But I'm so glad it's finally released because I was only able to listen to it on like Weird Tiktoks.
Before yea a target specific album, like like when Starbucks has an album kind no.
Well there's like special releases. She only does through target that have like certain vault tracks. So the lyrics are you say I don't understand, and I say I know you don't, which is like, that's like such a cra I love that line because it's like how many breakups when someone's like I don't understand and the person's just like can you imagine the person saying back to you, I know you don't. Like there's no like sorry, there's no me being like, well it's because of this. It's
just like saying like I know you don't. Like we're done, he said, she said. We thought a cure would come through in time. Now I fear it won't. Remember looking at this room, we loved it because of the light. Now I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time do I throw out everything we built or keep it. I'm getting tired, even for a phoenix, always rising from the ashes, mending all her gashes. You might just have dealt the final blow. And then she says, stop,
you're losing me. Because she's kind of like you could tell she's in an argument. She's like, stop, you're losing me. Like, and I also like, you're losing me because it's something you say to someone over the phone where you're like, you're losing me. I can't hear you, but it's like she's like, and then she says, I can't find a pulse. My heart won't start anymore for you because you're losing me.
Every morning I glared at you with storms in my eyes, and this is the line I like, how can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dying. She's like, I've been this relationship I've been dying in and you don't even notice. How can you say you love someone that you can't tell is dying. I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick. I don't know what the quick means. But I'm guessing, like the blood, like I bit my nails, like I
sent you signals. I'm like constantly being nervous. I seem very upset. My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick. And the air is thick with loss and indecision. I know, my pain is such an imposition. Now you're running down. Now you're running down the hallway, and you know what they all say. You don't know what you got until it's gone. And then yeah, I was like so Shakespearean speaking of yeah, the bridge is
how long could we be? How long could we be a sad song till we're too far gone to bring back to life. I gave you all my best mees, my endless empathy, and all I did was bleed. Is I tried to be the bravest soldier fighting in only your army front lines.
Don't you ignore me? I'm the best thing at this party.
So he's obviously at there at a party, and she's like, I'm right here, you're talking to everyone else.
I'm the best thing at this party.
You're losing me, And then this is the best And I wouldn't marry me either a pathological people pleaser who only wanted you to see her. And I'm fade and thinking, do something, babe, say something.
And this is the part where she's like he had a chance.
She's like, do something, babe, say something, lose something, babe, risks something like lose like to take a fucking risk, don't look cool, try to try to fight for me. Choose something, babe. I've got nothing to believe unless you're choosing me. So he never chose her, and so she's like, peace out, what up Trav? And now she's just Travis Kelce and the song rules, So yeah, check out You're losing me. It's a new song on on for Taylor Swift's it's on her Spotify. It's on Spotify now, too
late to get it on wrapped though. And then the other song I'm obsessed with real quick is that I was gonna say, is the only one I've been hearing on TikTok is.
You probably heard it. I would want myself baby, Please believe me. I'll pull you through hell. Do you know what I'm talking about? No, it's in so many tiktoks you would.
You wouldn't know if I was playing it but it's called Greedy by Tate McCrae and she was on SNL last week. And it's so weird because I listened to the song every single like, I listened to it. Problem, it's gonna be my Spotify rap next year. I listened to it like a hundred times one day and it's to only two minutes long, so it's really short.
And then all of a sudden that night when I was in Portland, she was on SNL that night. I was like, this is so weird. It's all lining up. She's an amazing dancer, she's so hot.
One of the main thing, one of the main purposes of TikTok is to get musicians exposure if a TikTok sound goes viral and it's in all sorts of people's tiktoks, and I know, but I was.
Hearing it on TikTok for months before I go, I gotta, I gotta put this in, and like, see what the fuck this song is?
Yeah, it was.
It was programmed.
It was weird that it all lined.
Up perfect, And then I guess that feel cool. I feel part of the zeit guys, you're part of the guys. But it's it's it's all tapped in.
I don't know who bad Bunny is.
They they probably made that song specifically had a hook in it that would be good for TikTok.
You gotta watch Tate McCrae's video for Greedy. It's so fucking hot she It has been so long. I played Chris video and we were like, we both agreed, it's been so long since we had like a hot pop star, like a Britney spears a like I'm gonna see Jlo like Tate McCrae, mc mcc no, mcr ae McCrae. Yeah, and it's called Greedy. She's Canadian. It's all at a it's at a hockey rink. And the way she moves her body, she's an amazing dancer. She's I think she
started out as a dancer. She's been dancing her whole life. She's only I think twenty years old, maybe nineteen, but she is so confident, she is so cool.
I love her dance moves. She is so sexy.
It would have been inappropriate for me to say that she's so sexy three years ago, which is weird, but now you can say it. And just the way her like body bends and like the way she dances in her face, like she just is cool.
Like she's not.
It doesn't look like she's trying to art, even though there's so many scenes where her body is contorted in all these ways that you're like, whoa, Chris even goes she's shaking in that contortion right there. She's obviously trying hard. I'm like, no, she's so cool.
She's assass.
I mean, it looks like she's a former ballet dancer. She's legit dog, she's like and this song Greedy is so good, and I guess she has some other ones that are even bigger, but it's my new favorite song.
Okay, we gotta go.
Thank you for listening to the show. I'll see you this week in Toronto, in Pittsburgh, Detroit. I'll see you next week in Brea, California. I'll be there with Brian at the Brea Improv and then in Spokane, Washington on the fourteenth, and then for my special taping December sixteenth in Seattle.
And then if you're in the Denver area, I'm.
Going to be New Year's Eve Eve and New Year's Eve at the Paramount in Denver, get your tickets now. Nicki glazer dot com also just release tickets for tomorrow they go on sale. They're on pre sale now use code good but for Saint Louis, Kansas City, and Atlanta for twenty twenty four dates.
You can check those at Nicky glays dot com. Use code good right now.
Tomorrow they go on sale for Friday one, but pre sale yeah tomorrow Friday, but today they are on a pre sale use code good for for Atlanta, Saint Louis, and Kents City, which I'm so excited about.
All Right, the sun has stopped shining in through the window, so maybe.
We could Yeah, look at our look at our YouTube video of this.
See it looks like an angel perfect. It was like hellish before you were like you're going to be burned. Later on you're gonna look like you have ezema with all the different spots. It was traveling all over face. Not that that's a bad thing to look like. Try resulty for ask your doctor about exalty or whatever thing is? Is it just me or there's tons of exzema commercials.
There's a lot eradicate it with medicaid.
I've never once seen exeba and God ew. That person is disgusting. If you have exzema, it's okay, but you know, try the meds. But like, if you do have it, I also don't care. And I love you all right, I love everyone.
Thank you so much. Don't be and get to get sim and down