#350 Asphyxiation, Nikki’s Nightmare, Writing A Musical & First Attractions

The nick A Gliser Podcast.

Glaser, Here's Nikki.

Hello here I am. It's a Nicki Glazer podcast. Welcome to it. Good fair listener, It's I'm Nikki. Brian Frangie is not here with us because he's driving picture and like still driving mountain.

I see him like going around to turn, like trying to avoid a mountain sleet.

Like a little tiny car.

Yes, with all of their stuff packed, like they're moving across the country. But it's like they're just driving to their wedding location, which I'm going to tomorrow. But why did they get there? How many days do you have to be there before wedding?

Didn't he just get there yesterday?

Okay maybe, but he's getting married Saturday. I would be like, let's get in Friday.

God on my stomach just flipped because I'm getting married on a Saturday. I'm getting married on a Sunday, and I am just getting there on I think when am I getting there on a Saturday?

We're having dinner on Saturday before.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I don't understand.

I think he's probably just going up there to hike and stuff and they're having a bigger wedding than you are.

I think, Okay, good, that relieves me.

I just am having like a daytime springtime lunch that I also happen to be getting married at with a small coterie of friends.

Yeah, exactly.

So it's not as I don't understand going up early, but I'm sure it makes sense. I'm sure they're doing something that is necessary. I never understand getting early to anything.

It could also be that Ali's family and Brian's family are not in the same location and it's just a way for them to do activities together all hang out.

Yeah.

I think he's setting up a huge tint just in case it rains.

I just want to see him doing manual labor. Is going to rain all weekend.

It's unfortunate and it's an outdoor.

Yes, I don't know what we're gonna do. I mean, I'm fine with it, but it's not my wedding.

If Taylor Swift can do it, typhoon, I.

Think I get marry.

Yeah.

Didn't he say he doesn't care if it rains? Was that him? Yeah?

What is it called in that New York Times thing? When it rains on your wedding day, it's like the devil the devil had sex with your grandma or something.

Oh oh, that was something Carlyle said the New York The New York Times thing.

It sounds like it's an article.

It was a quiz to place you, uh geography, geographically vigienal accents.

Yeah, and it.

Said if it's rains, when it's sonny out, it's like called the devil beats its wife.

And I think that's what Carlos, Yeah, that's what. That's where I heard it.

It's so strange and like it's also we have like wife the wife beaters.

The fact that we just call them like a tank top is so funny. We don't even think about it. Oh, I'm just gonna pair this with like a cute white bead.

What the fuck, man, it's really fucked up.

Oh my god, I'm gonna wear my infanticide shorts and pair it with a cute like uh, you know, uh, what's the.

What's the god?

I can't even think of other murders, my molestation moccasin and my suicide and my suicide.

I mean a lot of belts could do that. Some have. Yeah, a lot of people that they think commits suicide are just trying to jerk off, you know what.

Yes, and a lot of her tried choking thing that.

I mean, have you I've never tied anything around my neck to like choke myself, but yeah, I've been choked in during sex.

Is it great?

I'm a millennial.

Someone had a joke online the other day that was like she was like, I'm not from America.

She was like she choked and she was like, I didn't know. I thought he was going to strangle me. He was.

We were just making the on couch and he went to grab my neck. I forget who it was. I'm I'm not giving you credit.

Katy.

Oh, really good job.

I think I follow her too. She's a funny. It's just a weird American surprise something.

She because you would think someone's going to kill you if they start just throttling your neck. But that is like a normal thing now you see all the time, and it's You've never once had any pressure on your.

Neck during sex. Anya, I can't believe this.

I can't either. What I just tried it the other day.

It's like the only way so delicate, really, I can see any into that.

Wait, so are you doing it? Do you ever do it to yourself and yes, okay.

Yeah, I think I probably I probably don't.

Even notice I'm doing it. Do it to myself while I'm masturbating. I mean, I can think I know where you're going with this.

So how do you do it when you're doing so many other things with your hands?

I don't know the have done into myself, but I guess I would, or it's not out of the question. But yeah, And it's the trick is you don't actually squeeze, you just squeeze, you just put you just place it there and from there.

If I'm talking to men or women who you.

Know, are with people who want to be choked, also, it's not like you actually choke them that can really damage stuff. And it's the sides of the neck where like the blood flow is you just kind of put your little bit of pressure on there and if you block the blood flow. There's just something so hot about.

Not being able to fucking read when you're trying to come Yeah, do you understand this? Noah?

So I get choked all the time in jiu jitsu, and you know, like you have to tap out of it otherwise you'd pass out.

What meant? Yeah? Yeah, so right, you shot all over to Mohanda the other day, I thought of you, Matto Mohanda. Yeah, you have to.

So basically it's just like you like start seeing a little bit of like white and like like stars, you.

See the light. Yeah, you start seeing. God starts to be like come here, come to your grandmother. She's waiting for you. And then you come and you go and then you.

Live sixty more years. But you almost get there.

Yeah, you see start to steal a twinkle or like, Yeah, it just gets like like a little like fuzzy and then you have to tap otherwise you will pass out.

You won't be dead, but you're cutting off oxygen your brain mat. Yeah, on the mat. But do you in in the in the sex do you ever? I like it? I don't.

I wouldn't want to be choked like I am in jiu jitsu during sex. But I like the forced woes that it implies, just the hole.

There, like the whole like you're gonna, I'm gonna just like to be used as I like to be holes and I like to be like used like I don't like to be if I happen to come like I want that to be like I'm in trouble for doing that, Like I'm just a futon like that someone's humping like I want to be. I don't know what that setish is.

I am just something that.

Yeah, successful people like they're so used to being fans.

I was like, probably there's something.

Yeah, No, I think people that are successful and revered probably want to be treated like shit sometimes because they're so sick of all the yes men around them and you know, can I get you a water? Can?

I sure there's something to that, but I think that most successful people secretly think they're pieces of shit, and so they want that acted out in their fans. Like they can't admit it to anyone because then they would be their empire would topple, even though I and I talk about it constantly that I don't like myself, but they will, so they can only let it out there where they truly feel who what their mom told them they were or whatever.

They can let it out in there, because it's like.

When you say things when you're having sex, you don't follow up and talk about them outside.

Like it's just a it's a safe space.

It's almost like a therapist office where you can kind of let out things that if we both have this tacit agreement during sex, not just I'm not talking about me and my partner, but like we collectively where it's like we say things and they're not going to get brought up outside of this, you know, like you don't have to hold me to anything I say in here, and so I can kind of let out all of my deepest fears or insecurities about myself and get treated

That's so stupid. Like Connor, he just lives up.

Yeah, nothing, doesn't need love. He's just what does he live?

Yeah, the brother in succession, He's like, I'm like a I'm like a tree that lives off the insects that die inside it.

I don't need love. You guys are a little.

Love sponges and I have learned how to adapt to not having love.

Yeah, I like being that, But for Conne.

I'm learning to adapt to a life without succession. It's been depressing.

I have to say, yeah it is.

I'm like searching every night to find a new thing. I did watch Tar the other night based on your recommendation on you and like everyone's recommendation it tar.

It's uh. Her name is Lydia Tar. I don't like that.

I wish they would have named it something different because it just sounds like some I don't know, it just didn't sound appealing to me. The tar with like a weird oumlat that not even like an accent over the a. But she is a composer. She's a maestra instead of maestro, because I guess it's they change it if you're a lady with a stick, and she is the most prolific maestro or maestra that's like literally ever lived, like up there with Gershwin in this world that we're living in,

Yes, starring Kate Blanchette.

She is a lesbian wardrobe yes, and perfect skin and perfect hair and just a perfect vocabulary and the way she talks, and she's she does like special lectures, and she's written a book and she's on a book tour. And then it's about how she kind of it's about how she's essentially gets me too. You know, she's like this powerful lesbian who has taken in young girls and like under her wing and mentored them and surrounded herself

She's amazing. Cate Blanchett is incredible.

She learned German for this, she learned how to play piano and like, she's incredible.

She's so, she's so the character.

You don't question that this person is an actor even for a second. It's just next level stuff. Can I just say also though, that, like I'm obsessed with Kate Blanchette as an actress I don't.

I don't.

I'm not a caplan. When people are fans of actors, you need to check yourself, Like, I don't understand people who are like I love like I guess, like, if you like someone's acting, that makes sense if you're like, I want to see everything this person is in. But if you like saw them in the street and were like, I want to have dinner with this person.

You don't. They're actors.

They're like boring, They're obsessed with this one thing, they're good at this one thing. They don't reveal anything about themselves ever to you. You don't really know who Margot Robbie is at all. And yes, am I saying this as someone who's revealed way more of myself than these actors?

Yes? Is this me tooting my own horn a little bit? Yes?

I don't feel like they should be upheld. Do you know, Like, if you ask most people like who are the five people you'd want to have dinner with, they've listened a bunch of actors who would bore the fuck out of you talking about their technique. Bradley Cooper, do you really want to hang out with him? Do you know anything about him other than maybe a couple like anecdotes he's told on the colbar couch that make him seem relatable. That was highly rehearsed and produced by a producer.

You don't know these people at all.

There are some actors Jason Bateman who has a podcast. Any actor who is a podcast and it actually lets you in on who they are, then maybe you can really like like them and be like, I'm such a fan of them. But most actors pass man like I don't want to even I don't I like your work.

Have you ever met an actor and kind of had this shock afterwards that they're saying so yes, so you thought they were yes.

I'm like, can't you act like an interesting person?

You are?

You play one on screen? How did you know?

You meet someone on Riyah who is like, oh my god, he's so handsome and he's you watch all this stuff and you're like, he's so adorable, and then you meet them in person, You're like, he's so lame and he takes acting so seriously when it's so stupid.

You're playing make believe. There's no difference between you.

And like a kid on a playground seeing like this is school, I'm the teacher. Like, what, but actors are don't you think is there anything to this? I'm just confused when people like worship act musicians, I feel like give you a little bit more of a sense of who they are, But actors.

Aren't really writing. I think it's because.

Musicians like help you feel your feelings, so you get like emotionally connected to them. But I totally agree with you, and maybe you know not to like humble brag or whatever, but just like working in radio and meeting actors and stuff on press tours, I just was like, oh, I'm not really you know, they're nice people, but I'm not really impressed and I'm not gonna like worship them. There's just something icky about worshiping another humans worship them.

I used to worship like Dawson's Creek and Katie Holmes and like all these Jennifer Aniston, I hear, she's a good hang, Okay, fine, that's great. Like I'm not all of them are awful by no means. Henry Winkler remember when he came into studio, he was a fucking joke. Yeah, there are some that are like truly great humans and interesting off camera, but I don't I just I think we should, and I'm not asking people to give a

Also not self help people on Instagram.

Oh no, more of these people who are sharing, who are trying to get you to live a better life.

I'm just so sick of it. I'm muting them all.

I don't want any of it of like the Keys to a Good Day waking up at first, I'm.

Just gonna send you that tod I can't you know.

What I mean.

Like these I've talked about them before.

They annoy me, and sometimes you get little nuggets of like wow, that's really inspirational. But this girl the other day, I send it to you Anya.

You saw that girl all morning.

Guys, I just want to remind you, here's your daily reminder to take ten minutes outside under the sun, out in the real world before you get on with your busy day. You might think it's not important to get this vitamin D and connect with nature, but it's the most important thing he'll do today.

Honestly, I'm not gonna lie.

It did making me sending this to you to make fun of it did get me to actually today take the long walk home from Starbucks to get a little bit more sun and not be on my phone and like breathe.

But I was setting Starbucks. I was Starbucks, just like laying.

I was going into a deposition hearing I was stressed out, stressed sipping Starbucks, chugged it, you know, a whole VENTI extra hot by the end of the block. But I did go the long way to soak up the sun and take that extra ten minutes.

But my annoyance with that clip was.

The fact that she posted She's gonna see I know someone's gonna see this and send it to her and then it's gonna be like, hey, I really didn't appreciate that you called like I actually was trying to help people.

I know you were, girl. I actually think your heart is in the right place. Mine is not.

Mine is not so I can't stomach it.

But to the left, if you.

See the yeah, if yeah, it's my heart is like her doctor has actually said something to come out like a yeah. She posted this and then she showed that like you should schedule it every day in your calendar.

That was the point that I annoyed me are you kidding me? This wasn't wearing my readers. No, there was square.

Oh yes you So within this video, which I did actually benefit from, I was like, I do need to soak up the sun a little bit more. There was a screen grab of her calendar that day, okay, and

We have to.

Brag otherwise people don't know what we're doing. Yesterday I was at the Muni, which is an eleven thousand seat outdoor got a theater to go see the musical, The Carol King Musical Beautiful, and I went with Chris, my boyfriend and his mom, and she got us tickets. It was so lovely. But I got there and I was like, oh my god, Chris, take a picture of me with this sold out eleven thousand seater or outdoor.

P okay, take a picture with me.

And we were kind of in the front, so it looked like I was like maybe on stage, and I go, I'm gonna post. We forgot to do it. But I was like, I wish I would have done it. I want to post sold out in Birmingham. Love you guys, and who the fuck would ever question that? No one people would just go she's selling out in Birmingham. I'm gonna start doing this. I'm gonna start subtly bragging in my post. I want everyone who listens to the show to know I know what I'm doing.

I only have the best season be in onto the joke. That's the genies.

I'll let me hashtag it with something so everyone knows when I know what i'm doing. Just hashtag SB subtle brag. Oh that's humble brag. Yeah, I'll just hashtag it HB. But no, no, no, it's it's not a humble brag. I'm not trying to do this. I'm I'm literally trying to manipulate the system to show you that bragging will get me like more things, and I want you to know that I'm in on it.

But I couldn't done that humble brag.

Yeah, that's good, f HB, FHB. Okay, I'll write F I'll try to remember to do that. People will just be like, this is a great one.

I'm like, no, that was really mean. I'm just braging and that is my Well.

This is like what j Loo and famous people do to find out who in their camp is a mole. They start feeding fake stories to people in their inner circle, and then if it gets to the inquirer, they're like, all right, I know exactly.

Yes, that's really good.

That's like when you do a you sign up for things and they give your email and you give you have an email account that's just for if they sell your date, like to those things. And then Chris sees or he has like a fake name, so if he ever gets spam mail or something that's like to crunch Convy or whatever, he's like, oh, this person sold my data. Not that he can keep track, but it's a good idea.

It would be eleven Thousandingham.

It is hilarious, burning sold it out.

I'm cheyser baby.

Okay, we'll take a bag and be back up to the all right, we're back. I just sprayed some of my daily throat spray immune support bee keepers natural.

I got all this ship from my throat. None of it works.

It's just no, it's just always irritated. None of my subliminal messaging to myself about being the best singer in the world is happening because I cannot sing. I haven't been able to sing for a week and a half, two weeks at this point, I cancel my lesson today.

It sucks.

You feel like there's something that needs to be said that you aren't saying in your personal life.

Yeah, because yes, Noah, thank you for saying much. Strang Chris no more. I mean, yeah, that might be ima. My dad's a singer and talks a lot. He never has any issues with his voice. I won't I won't say never, but it's I don't remember any time in my childhood where my dad couldn't sing or had to take any time off. And this happens to me constantly. I'm gonna get choked up even talking about it because it just sucks.

Because it is.

It is a reflection of like you're not saying something that's locked inside of you, like your throat chakra or whatever.

I'm fucked. I don't know how to fix it.

And and if you try to take time off, I'm sorry, I'm getting emotional.

If you take time off.

No one believed, no one believes you that you can't really like hang out, so your social life gets diminished because that's what has to go first. So you can't talk anymore, people kind of even don't believe you. I went to the concert last night. I was supposed to go to dinner with Chris and his mom, and I canceled on that because I was like, I can't talk, and she's like, well, I was gonna get a tickets to this musical and I was like, well, I can

All these dreams and are written by bots. None of it makes any sense.

And so yeah, there's obviously something going on with me psychologically that I am needing to process because I got raped in my dream last night and it was really ongoing and it was long, and it turned into this whole episode where his girlfriend found out about it and she was going to cover it up to and I knew I wasn't going to be believed.

There was no way.

For whatever reason, I woke up with this feeling of like and this person. I was like, if I ever meet them again, I this will be so lasting with me that they raped me, that even though this person did not rape me in real life, not even close, I will never I'll be disgusted with them if I see them, like this is going to solidify it that I will never want to have this person in my life again.

And it was just the person in the dream is someone you actually know?

Yes, the person who raped me is someone I know?

And what do they mean to you? Obviously anonymous? But like, what what are your true feelings about this betrayal daily life?

And like just yeah, I guess betrayal and just me being stupid and like all of those things unfinished, like anger, repressed anger that I haven't gotten to express, and just feeling like an idiot and feeling like I'm the one who's like the joke and I always encounter him and his little cohort that I feel like I'm the idiot. I always encounter them in dreams and I never win. They always win. I never This story never finishes the

Now I do not.

Want that I'm so glad it didn't finish that way, but it reoccurs, and then I always think in the dream, like this is my dream, I get to finally have this goal the way I wanted to.

It never ever goes that way.

They always end up laughing at me and I get physically hurt in some way.

And last night was raped. What the fuck?

Man? And I won't crying and like shaking and like so distraught that I was like, oh my god, like that really felt real, Like that was no, that was no nonsense, man, Like that was a.

Different kind of dream.

Yeah, that was like I mean, I'm not comparing it to what actual victims feel, but man, I was in it.

It was and I was.

Watching it, which I do believe is like a thing that happens to people. Like I'm not talking like at all like I was raped. Please don't misconstrue what I'm saying. I had a dream that I was It's like that Uber driver that I met that said that he met Jesus and he's like it was a dream. I'm like, yeah, I don't think you met Jesus, but it just felt it was it was wild.

And so you've been.

Violated in some way in your real life, and your subconscious feels like you have these unexpressed feelings. It's like what you were just saying about your throat chakra. You cannot get the stuff out or you feel like you're not allowed to express yourself, and even in a dream and expressing.

I fucking have a podcast where I say I want to kill myself sometimes, Like how what is?

It's probably.

It's something unresolved and in our dreams, Like the reason we have dreams is because our brain is trying to purge these thoughts. And it could just be like your brain trying to get rid of this issue between you and this person. But yeah, just keeps getting locked in because it's unresolved.

Kind of, it's it's it's it's bizarre. And I do believe in dream analysis to like let you know what's going on in your life. So I'm not saying it's not that, but I just don't know what's locked inside of me.

I just my dad, who's a dream analyst. That was what he taught in university was dream research. And he called me the other day and was like, I had the most bizarre dream and I cannot figure it out and then he told it to me. I'm like, this is so easy. It's this, this, this and this, and he was like, oh my god, you blew my mind.

Where have you been.

You never come to visit me, You visited your mother, you never come to visit me. And my dad's like, I tried, I tried twenty times to find you. I've never anyway. So I'm analyzing this dream and my dad I go, your name is Jerome, you were called Romeo growing up, Romeo, Michigan. Your dad's saying, I've been here the whole time.

He's saying, I've been inside. I'm in Romeo.

He's inside you, he's always there. He's waiting to connect with you.

And I go.

Also, your dad was emotionally unavailable, So you're saying in your dream, I've tried that you're.

Doing dream analysis with your dad, and everything comes back to your dad, Like when you bring a dream to your dad, is he is he always just kind of like trying to tiptoe around the fact that it's about him, Like does he ever acknowledge?

Like does he know about dad issues? What do you mean? Isn't most stuff? Like isn't most stuff about your dad?

Like stuff is about you and your dream?

Like you are the rapist, you are Nikki, you are Nikki watching.

I'm the rapist. You could be, I could be.

That's not the way I want it to go.

Usually your subconscious is trying to integrate stuff, so you're healing something within yourself. It sounds like maybe you think there's a part of it, is it? Does any part of you feel like you sold yourself out with this situation?

Like not that situation, No, no, if anything, I felt like I was very authentic and like did for the first time like what I wanted and didn't give a fuck and was like I felt probably more myself than ever regarding that situation, or felt like a woman. You know.

So the Nikki in the.

Dream who's watching Nikki get raped? God, what's she doing? Are you actually in the room or are you just.

Mean skinny pop.

I'm like choker, choker a little bit. This will turn around, She'll start liking it.

You got, you're heeled.

I don't know what I was doing. All I know is it was a night of like struggles to sleep, and then I woke up and I was bleeding, you know, like it's a period pre period. I mean, I don't think that's all of it. Because my old you know, abusive therapist, my abusive doctor, abusive.

She used to say that when you say, like I'm on my period, like I'm really fucking upset right now.

It's like it's all your emotions are still what is inside you, it's just being expressed. There's no more walls up. The damn is broke because you're on your period. It's not because your period's giving you these feelings. Those are still inside you, regardless of if your periods, they're not.

Just know that they're heightened for an she had some really good points.

Oh my god, I think I got a lot out of this, lady. I'm not a beauty. I'll never be a model, Thank god.

I'm not a model.

Models hate themselves. Models are the most miserable people in the world. I always come back to that. But you're not a beauty and you never were. Your dad told you were beautiful at a young age. You didn't trust him, so that like you knew you weren't because no one else said it. So why would that be? Why would your dad know this thing that wasn't true? So you'll never trust your father?

Okay, I tell you what I said. That's a pretty good one. Though.

I was a smart enough kid to be like I know, I'm not a knockout like this is. I see girls that are knockouts. I see what happens when they live their life. I see the compliments they get. I'm constantly observing what other people get and I don't.

It's like my superposer.

Your dad authentically believed you were beautiful, yes, because he saw the beauty in you.

Yes, But I couldn't trust him because he did not line up with what everyone It'd be like saying like the sky is green, and I'm like, I know he believes that, but he's wrong, and so I'm not gonna trust any exactly. I can't trust anything else he says good about me because he's so off about this thing, and it's true. Like he I would bring home like a painting or something from art class, and he'd frame

I was just like.

It was always like so, I don't know which is worse. Yeah, it was like anything I did was not good enough. It's like unless you're a doctor. And I'm like, I'm eight, Okay, well that's so sad. I'm gonna be a podcast. I can't imagine saying those things.

My mom is behind me and I would walk home from school. I remember being seven or eight and she was going which means what a beauty. Look at that. She would always be like, look at that posture. She has a neck like Audrey Hepburn.

Look.

But it was a little fucked up because it was like she's like you, I know, starts a creepy that follows you and you're just like okay, thank you, and then they keep walking behind you and you're like, oh God.

Leave me alone.

Is this coincidence or does this guy live near me? Is it?

Yeah?

I did feel like, oh, I guess I have an amazing posture, so you believe.

It for a girl.

But then I had my dad on the other side being like, oh, you're gonna inherit. You know, our terrible self esteem. You're gonna inherit. Your mother's Russian knows you're gonna inherit. Like he was always putting these weird ideas in my head of his own insecurities. So I had a balance of someone who really believed in me and loved me, and my dad it was like, Oh, you're probably gonna lose all your friends, and you don't have a very strong voice, and you'll never sing at the met Oh.

Wait, your dad didn't say that. That was your dentist.

Okay, waiting, well, important men in my life.

It's like, I'm glad I can fact check that one. Thanks for your dad. So I sent you this earlier today. Anya, you didn't see it.

You have like a million things I sent you in your Instagram folder to look at you're I'm like jealous of you. It's like a private Reddit feed I've made for you interesting things.

No, I should have put you on all of it too.

I don't know why I did it, but this one is specific to like Anya because she knows this person. I follow this like plastic surgeon and they I'll say they to protect their identity. They posted all of these photos of it before and after, and then at the very end of this caption of like highlighting what the girl wanted and then what he decided to they decided to give her, and then what is the At the very end, it says, isn't she the cutest?

Can ever go see this person? Ever?

I will never see a doctor that sums up an entire surgical procedure and shows before and after pictures say in the cutest.

Yeah, it's I mean, I gotta say the after is cute.

Yeah, she's a chasel, but she doesn't have on harsh lipstick either, true, and yeah that lit. The lip lift is the thing to do if you're looking to get any surgery. The new thing is a lip lift. The space between your nostril and your lip is too long, probably, so you should fix it by getting the skin cut out and lift it up. And then if your lift is just lifted up a bit, that is what is pretty much setting every celebrity apart from the way you look, and you'll never be as good as them.

But don't worry about it.

But don't worry about it. There's some other things I sent you. I said, oh, this, this one made me laugh. You know what the Bechdel test is?

Oh, I forgot what that is? A personality test.

No, it's what they run through movies to see if, like a movie passes the Bechdel test. It has to have one scene where one woman and another talks to another woman and they don't talk about a man.

And it's like, no movies pass it, No movies have one.

All it needs is to pass the Bechdel test one scene where two women talk to each other and they're not talking about a man.

And what else maybe has pass it about?

Though?

Well, this one says.

Someone pointed out to me that, oh my god, Becky, look at her butt passes the Bechdel test.

And I haven't stopped laughing for a week.

And I loved that they can be talking about a job themselves, other women anything, Yeah, exactly what else would they be talking about? And then I sent you some mean stuff of a cute dog thing, a Joan Rivers clip, and then a succession meme.

So there's some really tasty treats.

In there for you.

Thank you.

This is my own personal Reddit dump. I love these.

I look forward to these because I don't have notifications on so at the end of the day, I'll be like, yes, Nicky sent me a bunch of stuff.

Yeah, you're my newsfeed. It's fun to send stuff. But they have this trick now on Instagram where it'll be like it'll see like a vacation spot and like this beautiful water and link. It's like the first person you send this to the if you you go to your sends and you the first person that shows up to send this to is who you should go on this vacation with. But it's just a way to get people to send things to people. And it kind of works

So here we go.

Yeah, you're my first, then Chris, then my sister, then Noah, then Noah and you, then my mom.

That's a pretty good list.

Okay, you're first.

You and Noah are a second, Matt is third, my friend Jenny is fourth. They send her a lot of stuff in China's fifth, and then the Nikki Geiser podcasts. Wait, this can't be right, because Chris Convey's seventh I've only sent him something like once.

Yeah, that doesn't make any sense. Doesn't make any sense. I went to go see a musical last night. Yeah, what did beautiful?

Beautiful?

I so is a music like music?

Is it like a play or is it just like an orchestra play with songs?

Okay, musical?

I think, well, I ask you rent, but I don't like I Loved Into the Woods it's my favorite musical and West Side Story, but music. I turned to Chris at one point, like maybe five minutes in and go, I gotta write a musical because the jokes are terrible. This is critically acclaimed. I mean, they're just so bad. The dialogue is off of their jokes. There's no I mean, there was one funny one where it was like, yeah,

I was like, this.

Seems like the Scherio Terry biopic because she was just like moving like her and kind of just you know, jazz hands about everything, because that's a musical.

They're just like that, and you know the like high kicks and Scherio Tarry.

So anyway, she was like one joke that I liked was like, oh, he'll never go for girl like me.

He likes girls like that. Look at her body.

I got all the places that I'm supposed to be small I'm too big, and the places I'm too big that are supposed to be big or too small. It's like I got the right amount of body, it's just in the wrong places.

Like it's like stoppling.

It's like.

And the median age at this eleven thousand cedar at the Muni, which I've never been to in Saint Louis, it's like it's been around forever. We said the Pledge of Allegiance or know, we sing, we sang the spars. We had to go face the flag and do the Star spangled banner before and I go, Chris, what is happening? And he was like, this is like from back, this place has been around fifty years. I'm like, so, so is like segregation, like we have to let some things go.

Like I don't like this argument.

Of like it's tradition, but happy to be there, and it was it was out no and and you know what, I'm like, you know what, I can get into the fucking star spangled banner. That's a sign not But then I was just thinking Trump yesterday. I was kind of feeling proud, but I was also like, we elected him, and I was just kind of going through all the emotions during the It wasn't pledge of allegiance.

That would be insane. Sorry, third grade class.

Oh that's what I thought you were doing. I'm like, that is why it was.

It was a star spangled banner, and they had to make the announcement of like if you can stand, because most of the audience couldn't. I said to Chris at one point, I go in twenty years, if you just did a click, like twenty years, everyone's dad here.

Literally, no, it's that old.

It's really sweet that these people go out and do this at eight fifteen at night. We were all till eleven at night. But musicals are just it was fun. The singing is amazing, like that's the hit, and she has so many hits. But you saw that musical twice.

Yes, I went alone once and then I I know Carol's daughter, Louise Goffin.

She's like, how did you get through it twice? Yeah, well go into your daughter and that will make you. Oh, you can absorb because she's in the daughter's like a big part of it.

Well, when I told Louise, I, go have you seen beautiful? Initially she's like, no, I have no interest in seeing that. I grew up with my mother. I get it. And I was like, you got to see it. It's fucking wild and you're do you know that you're in it as a baby, like you're in all the scenes, and she just like I felt weird telling her about it. And then a few months later she's like, I'm coming to New York. I have an extra ticket. Would you come with me? I was like, I would be honored.

Are you kidding?

So we're I'm watching it with her and I'm like sobbing through the entire thing because it's just so eerie and like, I know her sort of her history with her family, and you know, maybe wasn't all totally mo She's me. We met at a songwriting camp. Yeah, and I was a fan of hers years ago. I loved her first record and was like, this is so good, and yeah, we wrote some songs together in Tuloom once with.

I literally looked her up afterwards because I go, if she is the product of Jerry the lyricist and then Carol King the composer, she's got to be musically.

Inclined, and she was. She has like a ton of stuff out.

Oh she's amazing, and she's so nice and so funny and she has like a songwriting uh what's her name on a songwriting session, Louise Goffin. But yeah, it was pretty wild watching it with her, and then she was like, you're right, this was great.

It is great.

The music is great, and it's just fun. It's just fun to watch like the sets being moved around and like all the stuff that goes into production and like and also to hear their amazing voices.

And I have to say I was just.

Jealous the whole time of just like them not only being able to sing and I can't fucking do anything.

My throat was burning that it started burning. Nothing was happening.

I was chewing on cough drops, and I started having like a reaction to my jealousy and envy of like these young people just belting, and like, why didn't anyone take me aside and teach me to do this?

I could literally be up there doing this. No one would you want to care? Like?

Yeah, I was obsessed with musical theater in high school. I mean, do I want to do it now?

Yes?

I mean I would like to do I'm now I think hoping to get famous enough that someone will like cast me in something.

Someday.

You should do Chicago.

I don't like that means at all. I went into the woods.

Okay, you already know that the Baker's wife into the woods. It's an alto role. No, I can't sing right now. I thought that was like a.

Wrapping part where you're like, and into the woods and this is what they wit.

Oh, I would like to actually, that's the role I want. I want the role of the witch. Greens, greens and nothing but greens.

Parsley pep coach doesn't tell arriusparagus and watercress and fiddle friends and let us. He said, all right, But it wasn't quite because I caught him in the autumn in the garden one night. He was robbing me, riping me, rating marugela, ripping up the rampy in my Champion, my favorite. I should have laid a spell on him right there, could have turned him into a stone or a.

Dog or a chair. Ha. But I let him have the rampy and not lots to smam. But in turn, in return, however, I said, fair is fair.

You should let me have the baby that your wife shall bear, and we'll call it square. So I had a brother, no, but you had a sister, So I let him out the uh.

Anyway, That's that's all I remember it. But yeah, they did that.

They did that musical in high school, and I was obsessed with it and I played snow White and I had one line at the in the finale performance, you just you are like a whore on the prince's shoulder because he is now like let go of the princess at the end and then he's just like, you know, a bachelor, bachelor now in this wonderland, that this fairy tale land, and I'm snow White and I just had sex with him with my with the girl that's with sleeping beauties on his other shoulder and.

We just go element me. No, this is high school.

I mean, that's the connotation that he's he's a Losario now like.

He's your professor.

MA.

Sure. At the time, was like, okay, so your motivation is you just fucked this guy.

I mean, do you know high school drama coaches, They're all kind of like that. There's always like did you have to wear a black wig?

Yes? Yeah, yeah, but yeah.

I was just like, but it was a good I can't imagine seeing that twice though, because it's so long and intermissions have got to go. Just keep it moving, honey, I don't. I want to just it's not that it's I just kept being like, we got an intermission, and I'm always figuring out how much more there is to something, even if I'm enjoying it thoroughly, I'm always figuring out, when is this gonna end?

Why do I do that? Do you guys do that?

I'm also starring everything.

I almost google Beautiful the Musical running time, and I'm like, I don't I think there.

This is like an accordion.

It's based on what's production, but I wanted I'm always run anytime I type in a movie, Google knows put in running time because Nikki Glazer's looking up how long this fucking thing is?

No, No, no, in Europe, we had to negotiate.

Matt was advancing all the shows. He had to negotiate with every city in Europe that we did not want to do. And interval because in Europe they do intervals. A comedian will do forty minutes, walk off stage and come back and do another forty minutes and finish the show. And guess why.

US people can go to the bathroom that But mostly they just want to sell booze.

It's smart, everything's marketing that makes sense, but that's why they do it.

Doors Doors is an hour long of booze purchasing and drinking time.

Because durant, because then people are too scared to get up and get something once the show has started, and then they lose out on and that is the only thing that keeps theaters alive. Really, it's like they get screwed on tickets, just like the artist does, like promoter, you know, like it's all fucked.

They gotta make those concessions. They gotta. It makes sense, but it is hard to do.

It's gonna be a long night.

It is a long night.

I do a half hour interval at most of these.

You know what I like about intermissions they let you, they give you a chance to go.

Do I really give a fuck about the rest of this? It's like, you know, when you're watching a TV show, then you could just.

Go the musical.

Evan Hansen, Yeah, I just I can't believe then went back and stay.

I went back and stayed.

But I can't believe that people love musicals so much. Like it was really touching to me that everyone in this audience was like we we go to every single one, people love them and they're so corny, like they're really did you not think The Beautiful was corny? I thought it was going to be let but you know it has to be because that's what musicals are.

I'm honestly gonna say, of every musical I've ever seen in my life, I think Beautiful was my favorite because it was emotional. I cried a lot. That's what I'm looking for in a show. I want to cry.

I want to imagine crying during that show.

I don't care whose daughter was sitting next to I don't even know where you would have cried.

And Waitress was so good.

Yeah, there's some that, I mean, they can be great.

It just.

It was the dialogue, just like you know.

It's just like everything feels like a middle school play. Everyone talks like this, and everyone walks like this, and mime's like this, and it just like But I know that's what theater is because it was based on before we had amplifications, so you had to be very big. You had to play the back of the room and make it so big. And it's weird to me though. Carol King's music especially, I want to hear it done in the Carol King style, not like tons of vibrato,

This and everything must.

Be like so like, and Carol King doesn't sing like that. So I found that to be a little jarring. Do you did you see that?

Yes you're I wonder who played her, but I didn't feel that this singer.

I think I saw Jesse.

She was great, Jesse.

I can't remember her last name anyway, she was also in waitress.

I saw her sing the Carol King part, and she seemed understated. But I remember when I was hanging out in New York with some Broadway friends, they kept having me play this place called fifty two below. I think it's called Yeah fifties, I forget it's anyway. It's a Broadway place and all the Broadway singers like go there and they have drinks and then they do like an open mic thing, and I was asked a few times to go, and I was like terrified.

I'm like, please, no, I don't want to perform with Broadway singers.

I don't have Yeah, it's excellent, and they my friends who put it on, were like, you absolutely have.

Do they love you?

And I remember I was like so shocked that these people liked my voice because I have this soft, kind of airy voice and I can't belt it out like they can. And my Broadway friends were like, no, no, no, They're fascinated by voices like yours.

I'm like, are you just being nice?

And she's like, I swear to God because they have to sing this way, and they're like, I don't know, I don't She might have just been.

Yeah, I mean it's a totally different It's it's completely different, and but we associate that kind of voice with like, that's good.

If you I would love to be able to belt it out like that.

You could with the right training. You just weren't trained to do that.

I guess what comedy would you kind of equate it to improv actors who's like who don't even do stand up they just do like the improv theater.

Like the difference between Broadway singers and rock singers.

Yeah, and like just like like a singer songwriter like Anya.

Yeah, maybe of like that one doesn't respect the other. I'm not gonna say no. The only reason stand up comics don't respect improv comedians is because we don't.

I'll speak for myself.

I don't think I could do that, and so I have to make fun of it because I fear it's.

Like that's comics?

Is that what?

That? Ya? A Broadway If I'm making fun of a Broadway voice because I can't belt like that, So I have to put it down because I'm scared of it, which is what we do with literally everything in life.

I'm gonna take a break, I'm gonna go pee, and we're gonna come back and do some more. We're back.

We used to get No, what you don't do you like musicals? I do not why.

I think I just and it's no offense to the actors or anything like that. I do think there's a lot of professionalism behind it, but I find it too corny. Yes, like like what you're saying, like the overacting into the music, and it was just Yeah, have.

You guys watched the Idol yet? The new HBO?

Is it worth watching?

I haven't watched it. I'm just curious if you've seen it. I don't think I ever will because I don't want to see an anorexic girl having hanetrastive sex.

I mean, I watched that nothing my porn. I feel like I just don't.

I don't need to see Lily Rose Depp being like fuck I hear there's a scene where she has to be fully nude in the Weekend is like literally.

I tried a lot of things about that that were not cool, about how the female actors were treated on set. Oh yeo.

But then I saw post might be a bad guy.

But then were posted something where she's like, I love these guys and my teammates and they were so incredible and I'm so lucky and they.

Love you guys.

There's not a gun to my head.

I'm not terrified of not getting work anymore if I speak out about what really happens speaking.

I saw that too, I watched the four part Douggers series.

I can save you anytime you might want to.

Say, I watched two parts of it, and I think I could probably finish it for you. Well, So Josh Dougger touched his sisters when they were young. We don't have any details about it because they won't speak about it. So what's the point of the fucking doc. It's all the evangelical church. It's that one guy that started the church, and then he kind of trained Joe Bob Jugger to take this and actually be prostelytized to the whole world through TLC.

He made the show.

They knew about Josh the son, the oldest son the little girls, so they sent him away to a camp or to go build houses in Bolivia where he wasn't going to be around kids, except yes he was.

And then and then that's where I left off.

And then they covered it up and they never gave their children any money. When they finally put their foot down and said, we're broke, we would like some money for the show we've been working on forever, he paid them ten dollars an hour, like barely.

And they never organized the Doggers Union, a.

Couple kids were like, you know, she was pregnant and one of the ones that had been abused.

The interesting part I liked was like these kids talking about these other kids that grew up in the same kind of church system. I forget what it's called IBSL or something, it's called like ibs.

Yeah, they grew up in the same cult.

They said that when they watched the Duggers, they related to this family of like everyone's like placid and always happy, and there's no there's no kids screaming or no spikes of like enjoyment. There's no running around that, there's no playing. These kids are just docile. And I'm always watching it being like these are such good, well behaved kids, but they're they're robots.

Yeah, you see all the time as babies, they teach them to not to be docile, so if they go.

They take it. Wait, this is the this is interesting, Okay.

Telling the blanket and the and the the mom Dugger. She says, you just put them on a blanket and then when the baby goes off the blanket, you just you beat them in the name of God until he understands that he's not allowed to go off the blanket. And he's not allowed to cry. So much fun.

Wait, she says you beat them in the name of God? Or does she say you spank them? Or does she say something sweeter? She doesn't say beat right you.

I don't know what they say, but basically like use.

The rod of God or what. I don't know, but they they sank them over and over and the baby keeps crying. And I did it once with my son for eight hours until you finally stopped grining.

Oh my god, I can't even handle this. What the fuck?

Yeah, I just always have to exercise, as they do for all the babies that are born in that religion.

You know, whenever I think of a child suffering, I just age it really quickly and make it so that it's old enough to like try to understand what happened to it and maybe make peace with it.

Do you ever do that?

Like, I can't stand thinking about children being abused, so I just age them really quickly in my mind and go, Okay, cut to twenty years from now when they're fucking drug addicts and you know, on intervention nodding off in a shed after they fucked some guy in a Best Buy parking lot for enough money to buy heroin or whatever it was, like I just picked. Even though that's not a better reality. I feel like, Okay, this adult can maybe go to therapy and understand what happened to it.

Yes, that makes sense. I got to stop watching all these documentaries. I think for a while, maybe maybe I should watch the Idol just I.

Was thinking of, like because fiction, Like a lot of the girls like watching the documentaries, and I used to watch documentaries.

I just can't do it anymore.

And I think it kind of goes to the conversation we talked about yesterday with gossiping, because it is kind of like a gossip tale on this family. Not that I'm saying they did anything right or you know, anything like that, but it's like, do they have any of the children on there to talk about their experience or.

Is it just from like another perspective.

So I went on the douggers, Yeah, all the kids.

It's all the kids.

They definitely, you know, they talk about what happened, but yeah, not in explicit detail, but they do finely.

That's the problem.

I'm like, I want to know what he did to you, and I know I'm a little fucking sicko that I want to hear the details.

Of They do say what they found on his computer.

And there's audio of the police, you know, meeting up with Josh and being like, Hi, we're here because the on these devices there have been you know, we found this type of pornography and he's like, oh, is it from my devices?

Is there some up with these devices? So it must be my employees. I don't know what's going on here.

Yeah, well, one in twenty people, uh sorry, yeah, one in twenty people have watched child porn and that's a current statistic.

So just know that that if you.

Are one person, it isn't your garden variety that means. But it was like incredibly disturbing and violent. So yeah, it's what was the word yesterday, I know, us soul slashing.

Slaughtering, lottery, soul slattering, sluttery, well, soul slaughter.

But these documentaries, they do make me so much.

The and the Jared from Subway one is the other one that you like, paired with shiny happy people.

That was a nice pairing, like a red line in a pasta.

Yeah, and that one was fucking sick, But that one, I mean Chris also watched both of those back to back, and I did an impression of the woman in the in the the Jared from Subway one and was just like, what he said to me next, well stay with me forever. And it's like they don't tell us what he said next, Like they just she just keeps saying shit like that. By the end of it, I'm like, someone molests this one. I'm bored with her. I like, not that I want anything.

What's surprised exactly.

They just they were just had this case going with her where she would have to like wear a wire and pretend that she was into this fucking guy that she was disgusted by.

She would get off the phone with him and just pew.

They threatened her.

They said what you did was illegal, so she rewarded him choice without to work with them.

Yeah, at first she recorded Jared without his knowledge and without working with FBI. She just did it herself because she was a news reporter. She was doing an interview with him at a middle school, and she had no She was just like, Oh, this is an inspirational guy that lost a bunch of weight eating Subways sandwiches, and he leans over and was like, says something about it. I'm really attracted. She didn't even say what he said to her, By the way, he never.

Did he said that.

He he goes, I'm really attracted on yellow school girls.

Why don't we have first of all, why don't we have clips from that interview where she then is interviewing him right after he said this to her, because they literally go three to two one.

He's like, I'm really attracted to middle school kids action.

And she's like, Hi, I'm here with Jared from Subway. Wouldn't that have been an interesting part of the documentary, And don't look like they did. They put it in it was not in there the interview that she did with him, no footage of that after right after he.

Said that the interview, I thought that there were no more interviews after that.

I know he said it to her right before they started the interview, and she said, I then had to interview him having just heard this, and had to put on a smiley face show that that would have been interesting. But maybe there was some legality behind it. But so then she so she knows she took it upon herself to be like, Okay, he just said that fucked up

And so she follow up.

With him and was like, hey, like I love to hang out. And so then she went to his hotel room and recorded him, recorded him, and she was so he tried to like kiss her and stuff, and she pushed him off and he was kind of persistent. So when he went to the bathroom, she ran out and and then just began a relationship with him where she would be.

Like I can't see you.

I hate this my phone, my face time, doesn't worry whatever it is, you know, the lies that women do to not have to actually see someone, and like I can't get away from work, the kids, it's so busy. So she would just be talking to him for hours a day on the phone. So she finally went to the FBI and was like, look at all this stuff I have, and they were like, you broke a federal

And so she was like okay. So then they have her.

Then they're they're telling her exactly what to say on these calls, and it's so traumatic for her because she has to talk about wanting to fuck kids with this guy and act like she's into it. And so she has him admitting that he wants to admitting that he's done it in Thailand, all these things, and they're not doing anything with it. They won't go in and arrest him. So she was like, I'm just gonna go public with all this fuck it, like that'll ruin him, that'll stop him.

Her children were really gravely affected by it because they knew something was up with their mom, and her daughter like went into her notebooks one day and found all these notes, because she would keep copious notes after each phone call just to and so then her daughter finds all this stuff and doesn't know what the fuck it's about and is like, oh my mom is like having a dis trusting yeah, relationship with a disgusting person.

And anyway, it just tore her whole life apart. It's so sad.

She couldn't tell her kids because it was an FBI investigation, so she couldn't tell anyone. It just like it reminded me of watching The Departed the other night, and Leonardo DiCaprio was like losing his mind because he's living this double life. He get caught at any second. There's this amazing scene where he goes and he's wired for the first time, and if Jack Nicholson finds a wire on him, he'll cut his head off, like and in a very

It's so that's the movie is so fucking good.

I can't see that you've never seen the Party?

No, Oh, I'm so excited for you to see it.

No, have you seen the Depot?

But I why God, my mom hadn't seen it, And that's why I watched it the other night. My dad was at like music practice, and my mom and I were just like trying to find some reality show to watch, and then all of a sudden, The Departed shows up, and I'm like, you've seen this.

Tay Pwice in Boston.

Yeah, Oh, listen to this cast, Jack Nicholson, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Wahlberg, Alec Baldwin, Uh, what's his name? Martin Sheen, women and the list goes on and on. There's so Matt Damon, sorry, miss Matt Damon.

It's insane.

It is so love say, I can't believe I haven't seen it.

And there's the song in the beginning of it that I asked you about and when we were in Europe and you were like I've never heard that before, and it's the Gimme Shelter the Rolling Stones.

Oh right, do you know that song? Noah? Do you know that she says rape murder When she's like rape murder, it's just a shut away, it's just a shadow. She's going rape.

Mr.

I had no.

Idea to like watch Wah The Departed, and I saw the captains like this woman's screaming rape.

I thought she was screaming, whoa Jimmy?

She was saying WHOA Jimmy, But she was saying rape murder, that's what. But yes, one of the hottest sex scenes of all time is in that film. I literally have masturbated to that scene.

And I only.

Actually I have seen that part of the movie because you've brought this up before. Oh yeah, I used to bring it up on the serious show that we had. It is they play, what's uh Van Morrison is singing? I think it's Van Morrison is singing comfortably numb by who does comfortably?

Nooyd?

Think Floyd?

Yes, And it's Van Morrison singing it? And this and Leonardo DiCaprio shows up in the rain and he's been seeing this therapist who's played by Via I always feel like, yeah, like very familiar. I think remember the sulk on Twitter. He made that distinction once that sounded like very familiar via fa Mega.

She's the therapist that Leo has to go see.

Oh I think I have seen this scene and because I talked about it NonStop when we lived together.

So he's seeing her and she's like horny for it for sure, and then he is like, I am gonna fucking die if you don't give me pills. I am in panic constantly, Like he can't tell her really why because he's undercover and all these things, but he's like, I'm gonna kill myself and it's gonna be your fault because I need these fucking pills. And she gives him like some. She goes, here's some like two, and he's

It really is the best.

That's the most depressing thing about monogamy, without question, is that no more that feeling the rest of your life.

I think you can have it if you guys you break up No, well, yes, through that, but also makeup if one one of the partners goes out of town for an extended period of time then comes back, No, and then it's.

Not the same as someone that you're like, I don't know if they want to fuck me, but I've been thinking about this for weeks and fantasizing about it, and this might happen, but I don't know. And like that that tension before it actually one person actually leans in you will never have that again ever if you're married, And that is why I think most people were jealous of Taylor Swiss relationship because she was having that kind of sex and most people are married and not and it's a bummer and.

Add ely, yeah who she's not broken up with?

But yeah, like that's Does that ever depress you guys that you won't have that anymore?

Not until now?

No, that's not true. I've talked about this before.

No, because I remember very specifically when Aviy and I had that moment and.

Yes we yeah, let's talk about that.

Okay, So it was so okay, I'll just do a little recap.

It's hot, right, Like, was it so hot? It was so hot.

It was it was on like President's Street in Brooklyn and Cobble Hill.

I thought she was going to say President's Day.

I did too. I was like, oh, did you go to Mattress for Sale too?

And it was after we met for our first date, after I did the book Getting Two I do in our DMS. And we met at a bar and he's like, oh, what do you want to drink? And I'm like, uh, water,

I was like, okay, we did to the first time Chris and I kissed. I ran away because I was like, I got it. I don't want to, like, I don't.

Want to fuck this up by doing anything else. This is just what I wanted. I have no plan out here, and it's like, where are you going? Yeah? He literally was like he said he'd never seen anyone call a cap like so quickly. But you kiss and then you ran away, and.

Then I like called a cap And then he was like, do you want to come over? And I go, oh, yeah, right, And then I got in the car and I was like, I'll see what worked tomorrow.

What about you and Mad?

Yeah, it didn't end the way your stories ended. I'll tell you about the moment that I love that I think about all the time. It was a hot summer day. I had just done a silent retreat for like three or five days or something. He picked me up from this place. We were not boyfriend and girlfriend, but I was probably meditating about him the entire time. All warned up. It was summer, I was hot as hell. I was

Have you seen that? I was like, whatever, put anything on it?

Care And we're lying on his bed watching Stop Making Sense and the window was kissed before. Yes, we had kissed before, but it had been like a year, and I was like dying to see.

Oh, yeah, that's that, You're right a year. And also you guys work together, so this.

We had all got to be had sex before. But I was wearing this blue silk dress that was really thin, and I remember when he picked me up, he goes, I like your Quaker dress, like he nagged me like it was something like he goes, I like your Mennonite dress.

And I was like, wna night, what do you mean?

And and then we're lying there on his bed and I just remember there was a breeze from the window. I'll never forget it. And my dress was fluttering up. It kept like fluttering up, and I'm just like, when the fuck are we gonna kiss?

I'm dying.

I'm just like, when is this movie gonna be over? I'm thirty minutes into this movie and I'm just like, this guy is not making a move. This guy's not making move and the breeze is fluttering and I'm just staring at my dress and I'm like, I am dying. And then I just remember, like my arm moved a millimeter and touched the hair on his arm on his forum, and like I barely pressed into his forum, and then

Yes, I mean that's what I'm talking about, like the dying for it, like I'm never gonna I do yearn for my my lover, and I like missed him. And there are times where it's like, oh thank god, it's never as good as the first time.

It's like the first bite of food.

It's never it's nothing's ever going to beat the first bite or like the first it's just and that kind of sucks. Final thought that I don't know that you have to say goodbye to that the rest of your life and have no more of those. No, I don't think, so that was not my first. One has to act like they're fine with it, and I don't think anyone is. I think my first time, I just cherish it, and it's not the first time. You're I'm just talking about You're never gonna have that with Matt again.

I mean, you never know. I could be have to my client and giving him pills.

You'll have to be there have to be some breakup for that to happen again, is what I'm saying. So I guess you do never know. But if things go the way that we all plan in marital bliss, you don't have that feeling.

Yeah, there's not as much fear danger.

What does Esther farrellsa Euroticism needs danger desire?

Yes, yes, Like even yesterday when we went to the Muni, there were some like girls that I either Chris like knew like he kept saying like there was certain people being like Chris and they would go walk over these girls. And it turns out they were just like girls he works with that I've met before and are not threats

This girl doesn't No one stands a chance. I know that.

But also it just that really that made me feel like alive again, not again, but like for a little second of like this could slip away, or like I could I have this threatened.

I need that, I really need You get other.

Kinds of feelings that you wouldn't normally get with someone that you're not with you know what I mean.

Could be off.

Fun, it's a fun but exiding you.

Feel those feelings too, like this unconditional love. Like everyone talks about these, No I understand that, and I do like the things that the intimacy I have with Chris is nothing can ever touch that. But it doesn't spike my dopamine levels.

It just doesn't.

Like the solid ground of like having a partner who will always have your back, it doesn't make my brain itch.

It just it will never do that. And that's just science. You know, likes a.

Drag that those dopamine hits, that the ones that I remember from my life all happened when I didn't have anyone having my back. So the stuff I was craving was like a guy I could count on too. But you know, I would have these dopamine hits once every I don't know, eight months or something.

Until the other night.

Yeah, we were talking about like just wanting a man to like like stare at us and just be like marvel at us, like I can't believe she's my girl, and like always protect us and like have a gentle arm.

Like I send pictures to Rachel all the time talking.

About this before of just men's like nurturing hands on the back of their women, like and.

Chris does that to me. It just feels so fucking good.

Of just like, uh, like last night he has had his hand on my leg and like I didn't want to move because I didn't want to like stir it. You know when your dog like rests its head on your and you just don't want to move at all because you know your dog will be like, well I don't care anymore. And like I was just like I want to move. My leg was like cramping, but I was like I can't get in this whole.

I like want it so bad, But I do believe.

What I think I just realized is that yes, you can argue all day long that no marriage provides and the monogamy provides these stable feelings and all this good stuff. It's true. It's good for you. It's like good for your soul. People live longer who are like paired up. It's like what we're meant to do, But you do say goodbye to awesome feelings. It's the same as quitting alcohol or quitting drugs. Like you, anyone who's listening to this who has given up a substance knows that, yes,

If you don't drink. No one's ever proclaimed the girls.

Are in the house unronically if you don't have booze in you, So you'll never do that again.

I will never be like, what's up, y'all? Whoa like?

I'll never be that excited about anything I liked. I like a base beat and be like, oh oh oh what like I'll never It'll never happen because I don't have alcohol courses in my brains to behave that.

In the shower. No. I mean, like, you quit drinking for a reason. But there are great things.

There are things about it that made me feel amazing and there are things about it that I miss so fucking much. And there are things about if I did I have ever done cocaine, I think I would have missed those feelings too, Like you're giving up something when you say goodbye to these things and to I don't know, Like I just can't get on board with monogamy, being like it's all good and there's no downsides the fact that you'll never have a crush on someone again, you'll never wonder.

Like you will. You're still going to feel attraction to people. I mean, I know when obviously he's a hot girl. That's like smelling food without eating it. It's boring you'll never get to eat it. Yeah, But I guess, like the way I think about it is I could have attraction to someone and like flirt with them, but I get to be saved from that extra step that I like, I don't like when they finally hit on me and then I have to say no. It just it could just kind of linger in that like purgatory.

Yeah that's kind of fun actually, and yeah too, And I I wouldn't be in a relationship if I valued all of these things more than a relationship, Like why would I choose that that's not what I'm saying, right in case Chris sees this and is like, then why are you with me? Because I would probably feel the same way if you were saying these things. I'm just saying there are even for I'm constantly like, really me forever, no one else ever again, till you die. You don't

This, How could you?

I mean, because the only way I I ever be able to get well, he loves your pussy.

That's all he needs.

It's I just I know that I'll never have any dick, probably the rest of my life, any different dick.

I don't. I will not.

I would not sign a contract that says like I still want like anything could happen. That's what I want for the rest of my life. And I won't admit that my parents are gonna die someday. I won't admit like admitting that I will never have a crush on someone, and maybe like a first date with someone again is a tiny death to me that I'm not willing to give in fully too. Even if I do get married I will still be like there's always divorce, like and not that I want that. I don't even want it.

Totally?

Just the way that I won't think about my parents dying. I know they're going to die. I know that I'm probably gonna be with Chris for the rest of my life. But if I marry him, I certainly will know that, but I still won't. I don't want to think about the fact that it actually and it's all fear of death. It's really essentially like I'm not going to get a

I hate like I'll never.

Have this day again, like the second like I'm I'm one second closer death now. It's all just fear of death, I think, is ultimately what this is. I used to have a joke that was like men don't want to, you know, become your boyfriend because they think like if I go from being like casual with this girl to a boyfriend, then boyfriend equals like the next step is engaged, and then the next step is marriage, and then marriage is forever, and then I'm dead, and then it's like

In a vows.

It's crazy, but I realized that joke was my fear all along.

That's what I'm scared of.

It's relatable.

I was projected it onto men who didn't want to date me, but the truth is I was choosing men who did. I didn't want to date me because I'm terrified to find someone that I'm forever with and it fucking freaks me out. And that's probably why I'm having dream where I'm getting raped every night.

On that note, I tried to get some dopamine out of Matt last night. We were having dinner. I lit candles. Then I was I looked at him. I was like, so, when did you know I was the one? And he's like, I don't really believe in the one. I'm like, all right, well, when did you know, like you wanted to marry me? He's like, I don't know, babe, it doesn't matter.

This like, this is not going how I wanted. I was like, I'm trying to get something romantic out of you.

He's like, they don't remember, they don't remember these they don't I bet Avi was probably like, oh yeah, that night, I don't know, were we in Manhattan, Like he probably wouldn't be able to place the cross waits or does he we relish?

She said that night? Yeah, no, he he's very good about it. But I don't know.

I just feel like there's nothing and even if someone put you in that position on you where it's like do you remember like that and how we fell and all, it's like maybe it's just uncomfortable to talk about.

It and finally come up with a good answer. First he said, well.

He goes, I guess like the way we fight is like good.

I'm like, the way we fight.

Your impression of him is hilarious. That's how you decide you want to marry me. He's like, I mean we do fight pretty. I feel like we resolve our conflicts. I'm like, I wanted something romantic. He goes, okay, okay, hold on, I like that.

You're funny.

You made me laugh, and I laughed a lot with you, and I think I just knew. You know, she's weird, she's funny. I like that we laugh so much. So I guess that was when it kind of nice. Yeah.

Yeah, I'll try to ask. Maybe i'll call it Chris right now and ask him when he knew.

Well, don't speak.

Yeah, I think he's probably napping, but let me.

Just loy Koe resolved. Yeah, that's like.

I like that you don't cuss me out and say fuck you, dick and leave the room whatever you're doing.

It's not that, it's actually pretty cool. He's gonna be like, why is she calling me?

You're in trouble I know, or he's in trouble, babe, I just found come on, Oh he's a secret.

Oh tell me why you love me? When did you know? He just probably say the same thing of like you're funny and you're weird.

Maybe he can text it to you and we'll post it on Instagram, so bestie's have.

He won't allow that. He won't because I'll go.

If I say it's gonna go on Instagram, he'll be like, I can't, I don't. It will be too much pressure for him. To write something perfect. It just won't there's no way. I'm glad he didn't even pick up, because I doubt he would have. He would have been like, I'm not doing this like he has toed. Yes, No, I would have told him I'm not like that bitch in that jaredfogel dot I'm just kidding.

I love her so much. Thank you for your work, all right?

He would say, how can I say Glaze, She's like no other you know, I just knew when I saw this lady.

No, he did not know when he saw me.

No, he was just like, yeah, like I guess this or I think she's into me. Oh, I know, like he was confused by it. Yeah.

No, he did not know right away at all at all. I've hunted this man down. I know I'm a man. Told me that too.

He goes, When did I know when you told.

Me you were the one? Yeah.

Listen to the song Mastermind by Taylor Swift, and that is how I feel about my relationship, and so do all of us because that is it's like we we read a book, bitch to get this lockdown?

All right?

Thank you for listening to the show this week. We'll be here next week. Don't you even think we won't have a great weekend. I'm gonna be in Vegas with David Spade July thirtieth and thirty first. I'm gonna be in Highlands, California the twenty fourth, and I have a bunch of tour dates.

Let me look them up, really, wig, what's it?

September it's Chicago eleven, Yes, I'm sure, September fifteenth, Chicago, September sixteenth, Peoria, Englewood, New Jersey, Calgary, Napa, Wheatland, California, San Francisco. I can't even it's controlling past too fast. This is the worst graphic I've ever seen. Who did my own?

There?

Then there's like no one can find their date.

Detroit, Pennsylvania, Ontario, Portland, Atlantic City, Rehoboth Beach, Delaware, Baltimore, Boston, Lawrence, Kansas, Riverside, Iowa, San Diego, California. And yeah, and that is not even all of them. We're still adding more. So thank you guys for coming to see me live, Thank you for listening to the podcast.

We'll see you next time. Don't be and just don't dring what I dreamed last night