The Nicki Kleiser Podcast.
Nikkleaser Podcast. Here's Nikki, Hello, welcome to the show. It's Nicky Glaser podcast podcast. What did I say? Off to a great start? I'm here alone in Saint Louis. Uh Noah's in Arizona. Brian Franjie is in Los Angeles. Anya is in New York. I know we are all alone, anyas the troth that is on the on tour.
Auviy is where he is in Dallas. What work stuff? Oh? How do you feel about that?
Fine? Fine?
I enjoy the time alone where I could just be gross and just do whatever.
I wanst Why is that the first thing we go to. It's so nice.
I do not change anything if Chris is here or not?
Wait, what do you you're not?
I maybe I fart more? Is that what you mean?
Yeah?
I mean like if I face.
Yeah, I think that's what they meant.
I eat the same food every day. I'm just like, I don't need I don't care if lunch is the same as dinner, whereas if we're together, I think we try a little harder for each other.
Okay, same, God, meal planning is so exhaustive. You have to be like what do you want, Chris and I just get separate things.
You're smart. Oh my god, I just read this article written by a divorce lawyer. I sent it to you guys.
Oh yeah, what what did that say?
When you gets the advice on marriage? It's really well written. It It came out a couple of years ago, and my sister sent it to me. I don't know what that means. She's like warning, warning, But no, he's like, this is the most important thing, he said. He's like, marriage is the most legally significant thing you can do other than dying. It changes your property ownership rights, it changes your obligations when it comes to support, and changes
all kinds of legal rights. And you don't even get a pamphlet when you get married that explains that to your inheritance right.
Having a child would be before, like would be up there too with legal rights.
Yeah, he says, like a partnership sharing children all that. He's like, he was like a romantic and saying whenever people come into his office, he urges them to go to counseling. And he's just shocked at how many people get married without thinking about it. He's like, more people put thought into getting a car and getting ready.
That's why I'm shocked by people doing well. I think he's saying it should be more romantic, like it should like like treasure the idea of marriage and give it more thought like you would your new car Kia Sorrento.
Yeah, and think of the car that's going to get you through all phases of life. He's like, if you choose something in your twenties, you're going to choose Everyone's like, I want a Lamborghini or Ferrari. But you have to think about all the phases of life. What kind of car is going to get you through all that?
You want? That four wheel drive you want, those heated seats you want. Well, that's why I'm always like, you want people buy mozd, Like why do people buy Malibus?
I just don't understand.
If you are have this amount of money, why wouldn't you get look at Kelly Bluebook and get the most reliably rated car that you could get for your money instead of Because there's so many cars that are shit that are in the same price range as something that's reliable, like a Toyota Camera or Civic or you know what I mean.
Yeahci, Yeah, I mean America's got a car culture and people are are influenced by marketing, and you know, one year you're gonna be like that car makes me.
But if you're buying a low end car, who gives a fuck? What? Like there are no cool cars when you're paying Oh I really?
Okay, There's there's a huge difference between having a Kia Sorrento and a mos To six, you know, which are in the same.
But Mazdas are gonna probably be better rated.
Right, Why would anyone buy a Kia?
Then?
Why would any because.
Especially nowadays, because you can easily break into you.
Oh yeah, they can steal them.
My luber driver told me about that stealable Okay, So what else do we learn in this marriage thing?
Okay?
So people need to give it more thought, which is that's why I said I don't go to people's weddings. If you're in your twenties getting married and you haven't been together at least four years, I don't think your marriage is gonna make it. It's the only prerequisite for me thinking your marriage can make it in your twenties four years together at least, But otherwise what are you doing?
But that's me projecting.
It just struck me how we don't really think about it and you have to go to a divorce lawyer's office to he goes. A lot of people just have no idea what they're already in for. Like you said, your inheritance rates changed, your ability to select a beneficiary for your life insurance policy has changed, your ability to hold property, and your sole name just changed, and he goes. The first thing I do anytime anyone comes into my office is I just try to get them up to speed on what they're already.
Wait, you can't buy property in your own name.
When you're married, you can, but if you already are a property, I guess entitled to half.
I don't know.
That's why I'm going to have a million carve outs.
I'm gonna have like you're doing the pre nup.
But why why get married so you can visit each other in the hospital and have a wedding, which I mean, so what are the benefits of you get.
To share health insurance?
Oh that's right, Okay, you get a tax break, tax break.
A little tax break. It's amazing much, is it?
It's negligible.
It has to be negligible or everyone getting many married, Like they're all moving to Texas.
You got a free foot long from subway. I know that once a year. M you want the subway married, they give you a free sandwich. You didn't know that.
He did say most divorces are the result of a bunch of tiny resentments over time, not one big thing. He quoted this thing from on Fire of the Vanities. You guys remember that movie. He said, there's this line where they're like, how did you go bankrupt? And the guy goes, I went bankrupt the way everyone does, very slowly, and then all at once, and he goes, that's how divorce happens. It's very slowly and then all at once.
Is this news to anyone?
I mean, do you guys think that people get divorced because of one thing?
Like you can see it coming a mile away.
Like it's always starts with little things of like he doesn't pick out the fucking trash, He never helps me with the kids. I have to do all the laundry, or like she doesn't fuck me anymore, Like everything starts with That's everything in life. If you pick up a bad habit, let's say you start cheating or you start using drugs, or something you start with, just like I'm a little bit anxious right now. I just need a
little extra pills to get me through tonight. And then the next day you go, I need some more, and then it's snowballs. It all starts with something small, right.
I say, it's even earlier. I can tell when couples are gonna get divorced before they get married. I have I I'm not going to say who, but I have my like people that I know are married. I've got like three or four of them pegged that you know, twenty years at most, but I believe sooner for some of them, and then you know.
The years is a good run. Twenty years is a successful marriage in my opinion.
Yeah, I've got a few that I'm like, this isn't gonna last no way. And also I uh oh no, I lost my train of thought again.
That's all right, that makes you likable.
Well, no, that's not why I'm doing it.
Yeah, you do look like you're pointing to a charge like postcards you have like I have.
I have my all my lines for the podcast written down the wall.
Here, grab a pen, grab a sharpie, Bryant like me, and just start pointing and it'll come back to you. I lost my train of thought too. I don't remember why I brought up to divorce lawyer artist this.
Is I'm I'm in a brain fog today.
We're all that's so we didn't tell the listener.
I think you brought it up because we were talking about planning. Yeah, and like how hard it is to cohabitate with someone and not just hard at all? Is Ye.
What I was gonna say was I know who's gonna get divorced, and then but then sometimes they throw a curveball at me and they have kids, and then I'm like, well, now they're going to last into their ten years.
Yeah, yeah, that'll well, that's a classic trick. Is like the cat. You have kids to make to save this, let's get focus to save it. Get cats and dogs they move in together to save a thing. I've done all these tricks too, or like at least thought about doing them. Of like this will keep them around, or this will soothe her. I think is a lot of people like she wants a baby, I'll get her a dog.
What do you think is more likely to save a marriage? A dog or a cat?
I think a cat because they require so much less work.
So you think a cat will make your marriage last longer than a dog.
Well, I think either our bad options, and you should I think therapy.
Would be the best option.
But so many people have the worst opinion about couple's therapy, like it's it means you're already broken. I've heard like really intelligent men be like, then your your relationship's over, it's done, and then it's dead in the water if you go.
I heard something very helpful from my therapist about couples therapy.
Okay, so.
I mean, like I mean and I we have a pretty like good strong relationship, good communications for the most part, but there are some things where we're just like not aligned.
With and.
We had this thing and I was like, and I said, I told him that we need couples therapy, but we're only gonna go to a couple's therapy if he sees a therapist on the side, because it's not fair that I have to see a therapist and then a couple's therapists.
Men's sister let me guess she didn't like that.
She said, uh, do not give him an ultimatum, and then she said, look for couple's therapy. You can do like, you know, six weeks and think of it as like a six week course before marriage, like a prerequisite before marriage. It's kind of like you're you're taking a class and you're resolving all to get a license for you get married. Yes, exactly, And I thought, I mean just like turning it around like that as opposed to like going to therapy to fix something versus going to therapy to be prepared.
Yes, it's like a physical therapy. Like you know, if your arm's hurt and you go to the physical therapist for six to eight weeks and that should be enough for you to learn the tools to continue maintaining the shoulder and then you don't have to go. If you go to physical therapy every day or every week for your entire life, you're you're addicted to physical therapy, right.
I did like that there was an end date in that where she's like six weeks, and I said, oh, yeah, I guess I can go and just say, hey, we want six weeks crash course.
Do believe that everyone should be working on themselves, whether it's like reading books about like theirselves, Like there should there be some level of like I could improve. I just don't understand when people think they just are right their entire lives and they were born right and everything else is the problem, not them, Like that just doesn't And I think that people can acknowledge No, I have issues, but I can just solve them on my own. Well
then why aren't they solved yet? Why does this keep coming up? Like you need help for it? Why again, physical therapy? Why do you go to that? But you won't go to something for the stubbornness. But that's how you get that's how you get guys to go as you compare it to like something forbal Yeah, honestly, yes, it works. That's Chris denies that. That is why that
he was open to it. But I do think I believe, But maybe I'm wrong because he denies it and he's not a liar, so but he I thought that What really got through to him about us going to couple's therapy was when I said, why do you go to a trainer if you have you have arms and legs and there's weights, Why can't you just figure it out? Then? Because he's like, if we can't figure this out, and what are we doing? I'm like, because you need someone to tell you what to do. And then I thought
that like made it in my mind. I was like, that was his epiphany to be like, Okay, that works, but he still maintains like that did not change anything. Then I thought, I was like, but it's it's sound logic. There's no, there's no.
Your brain is a muscle and so is your heart, and you're looking pretty weak an organ, and I think muscles muscles on your hearts.
Around the heart. Wait, your heart's a muscle.
Is your heart and muscle? I'm gonna google it, right, has.
Muscles contracting it.
I don't know.
Your heart's a muscle. Your penis is not.
No, right, Uh that was the name of that book.
Right, Yeah, it's my first memoir.
Your heart's a muscle, your penis is not. Your heart is a muscle. Your heart is a muscle. Google has confirmed it.
This is from the Scottish Good You can't work about.
Your heart, or I guess you can. You can if you do cardiovascular exercise it makes it stronger. Boy, we sound like a couple of.
Okay, your brain is not a muscle. Your brain is an organ. However, this is from the Houston Methodist Church, So I don't know.
Why is Google showing you those kinds of.
Christian Google is going to downhill fast right now. When there they went too far into the ad zone. And now when you Google something you get five sponsored.
Google thing.
Oh my god, Nikki, you've changed my life. When you said, yes, you've changed.
Your favorite phrase, Nikki, you've.
Changed my life instead of yeah, remember that old show this is your Life from.
The same Yes, no I don't because I wasn't alive.
But yes, you have a celebrity on. And then they go, uh, you know, uh uh Kirk Douglas, this is your life life all these people. Yeah, and the second grade teachers like I taught you math and he's like, I don't remember it. Yes, you should have a thing instead of this is your life. Nikki, you changed my life, because then I'll bring you more noise.
Wait, why did I change your life?
What did I say? Once ago? You were you were giving the advice to just Reddit things instead of Google things. Reddit should be the new Google. I've been redditing things NonStop, and I feel like I've gotten better advice. I've learned information so much faster.
Reddit is the best thing ever.
It's the best.
Everyone not fact checked Google.
True, but you can find more facts on Google.
No, because Reddit you find links. People write links like to questions. If you have a question, there's someone I mean any like ailment or side effects. You want to know of things like there's communities of people and that's what you're looking up.
Okay, personal personal anecdotes were work really well, especially with things like side effects, did you take this medication again? Any side effects? But if somebody says something wrong on Reddit, other redditors will be like that's wrong. And on Google, if the Houston Methodist Church is telling you that your brain is actually you know, your soul incarnate, there's no comments under that saying like that's not correct, So you don't even get like the the argument.
Yes, I think people are overwhelmed by Reddit, but it's really not that's scary and it's not. It's it's nothing to be feared, like TikTok, or like I don't understand what these kids are talking about, Like there's a couple things you need to know. When it says TLDR it's too long, don't read.
There's like a couple.
ELI is explained like I'm and then it's usually el I five or I don't know what are other l I.
And if this was sports or e l I. Oh, oh well that's what I did for The Bachelor.
Oh right, do they do that? Yeah?
Do that.
There's like a reddit for everything.
It's so exciting and we're gonna do a Reddit dump today, which I'm excited about.
But it's not like Twitter, where the community of Reddit is very supportive and they want you to get the information, whereas if you post this questions on Twitter, they're much smarter and informed. They want to.
Help because you up vote what there's up voting happening, so there's like a consensus of like, this guy's comment is the best, and it's just I just find it interesting because the worst part about the Internet that people can hide behind an avatar and not really show themselves
and say whatever they want. That actually is cool there because people are free to share really embarrassing, really vulnerable things, and you read these stories of people's lives and whether they're true or not, like it is up for debate. But sometimes I feel like I can suss out who's I mean. Some people will say that's a shit post is another term that people use on there as a ship posting. If you're just like kind of trolling and making something up. But it's just that it's my favorite
thing to do. And my favorite is always ask credit because they just ask interesting questions and then people share their stories of like, what's the most frightening thing that's ever happened to you, what's the worst pain you've ever felt in your life, What's the worst odor you've ever smelled? Like,
just those kind of things are so interesting. As a comedian, you were sopping up other experiences and the just information and it's just a great way to experience the world from your little cave in your bedroom that has blackout curtains. I love it. And we're gonna do redd It Dump right after this. I think maybe not, but on this episode you just wait and see. So last night I went over to my parents' house because my friend his
dad died recently. So I'm just like trying to every time that I have any time free, I'm just like, I got to get in parent time because you never know.
And so I went over there.
My dad was at band practice and so my mom was hanging out alone and I walked in. She's watching Real Housewives of Orange County and she always does a sing where she's like, you can change it, and I go, well, are you watching it? She goes, no, you can change it, and I'm like, well, you can watch it if you want, Like how much more time is left?
I just started it.
You can change it. And because she knows, I hate those shows because it's just there's a woman on that show that has the biggest lips that are sticking out of her head like Donald Duckle, like I've I haven't seen like they look.
Like frisbees in her mouth.
What is that?
It's injections. It's just too much injections.
That's not on purpose that they want it to look that big.
I don't think so. But at that point, you this happened to me before you stop seeing your face the way other people see it. You just get adjusted to your face. It's like anything like if you have like floaters in your eyes, you kind of get used to them so you don't really see it. But it's and I go. My mom goes, what did she do? And
I'm like, those lips are insane? And she goes, oh god, And I go, I've done that before though, and she's like you better watch it, and I go, oh yeah, I would hate to end up on a show that my mom can't pry her eyes off, that would be the worst thing. I go, you don't seem to have an issue with it. She goes, I can't stand looking at that shit, And I go, you were just if I wouldn't have come over, you would have been glued
to this. So it's always funny to me when my mom is like, kind of Nikki, don't do this thing that Leu Anne would do, and I'm like, or like some awful behavior of one of these housewives. Yeah, no it wasn't Lisa Rena is New Jersey. People that watch The New Jersey Housewives know exactly whose lips I'm talking about. There were Lisa Arenas. I like when a lip, I know when lips are full, but it's like the skin in front, like behind them even starts to protrude, Like the skin is like pushing out.
Like it looks like you can remove the lips. Yeah, like a yes, mister potato head.
Yeah, stretching the skin a little bit like on the skun And so the skin it looks like it's a duck, you know. And I've had it happen to me too, with too much filler it's just like this girl just got too much and it'll go away.
It doesn't matter. But I just find it funny that my mom is always like.
Don't do that, don't say that, and it's always something that I go but that person has an enormous career because of this stuff. Or you know, when we were doing our reality show, my mom would be so worried, like what if I you know, people are gonna think this and that, and I go think about the worst person, you know, like the most heinous personality on any of these shows, and there's several of them on these housewives shows where the people are just horrible people and they
say awful things all the time. They're backstabbers, they're liars, they're fake, they're dumb, and you still watch them. So what is gonna happen? People are just gonna like you watch you more. And if you met any of those women out, mom, you would go up and say can
I get a picture? I love you? You would never maybe in the recesses of My mom doesn't like troll but like I can see how she you know, these people get a lot of hate online, but these people go out and about Ramona is never being faced with someone being like you dumb cunt, like even though that's all people say about her online or whatever. I like Ramona, but like you aren't faced with it, you know, like it.
On line how your mom views you, because these are things that she feels you may actually do, so she has to warn you don't. It's not like she's like when she's not like Nikki, don't do what Casey Anthony did, Like, she's not warning you against stuff like that. She's warning you against getting lip fillers. So it's interesting.
It is interesting because even when we were one of the Taylor Swift shows, I was wearing a really short skirt and you could kind of see like the bottom part of my butt sticking out, and I just didn't care, because I would care if I was going to a place with a lot of men, because it would seem like I want men to look at my ass and it would be like kind of getting men's attention. And I don't like men's attention when they're just like I don't like I just don't like men being like over me.
So I was like, I'm going to a safe place with like children, which a lot of people would go. Why would you wear that around children because Taylor's wearing it on stage, She's wearing swimsuits, and like, why is this acceptable if I'm at a pool but it's not here? I just don't get it. I don't get why you
can't wear my moms that's pretty short. And my mom was even hanging out it just if I bent over it, And so I ended up wearing gym shorts underneath because my mom was so like, oh, I don't think so it's pretty short, and I go, is a kid gonna see my boy? And there aren't that many kids there by the way, I'm just saying like there's more kids than probably men. Well that's not true, but or I would say straight men. But it was just like, why what is gonna happen if I wear a short skirt?
Like what are people gonna think?
I like apart and go like what's gonna what?
Let's let's play this out. Am I gonnaa?
And then what they'll think? You're my mom? Always in they'll.
My mom.
The other night was like, Chris probably thinks those kids are crazy because we went to dinner with my sister's kids and she goes, does Chris think those kids are crazy? And I go, no, I don't think so she goes, he probably thinks they're crazy, and I go, okay, so what if.
He does, what's gonna happen?
She goes, I just don't want people thinking Lauren's kids are crazy. What happens if they do, because then they'll think that she's not doing a good job. And I go, so, who gives a shit? So they think she's a bad mom, like, which is not true.
Because the reflex on your mom because then she'll think, oh, they think.
I raised someone who's a bad mom. Yeah, but like who really cares. That's how I feel so impervious to any judgment. I was thinking about my Taylor Swift rant from a couple episodes ago, and I was like, oh my god, are people gonna come after me? And I go, oh my god. If I unsubscribe from every swifty thing, I'll never see what people say about it. I can totally miss if it like gets picked up and people are pissed about it or they're like because I.
Know they will be.
And by the way, I was talking directly to Swifties on that one, like the fanatical Swifties, not the everyday swifty who's like oh, I like that Folklore album. I'm talking about the girls on Reddit who are like, how could she do this to us? Those swifties are gonna hate me for what I said, But I was also like I could. It literally doesn't matter what anyone thinks about me ever, if I don't read it. I don't care what people say about me behind my back if
I don't have to ever hear it. And that gives us back to what we were talking about about criticism. I don't ever ask Chris, do I look fat in this? Because what I don't know, I don't care about.
Most people don't care what anyone is doing at any time. When they do comment on Reddit, it's because they're getting something out of it. They really don't actually care. No one cares about what anyone does at any time unless you're on a plane, and then everybody cares what you're doing. But other than that, nobody can care.
Yeah. Yeah, I mean in their real life, but just being someone in the spotlight where people have strong opinions about what you do, it like it can get to you of like, dude, these people don't like what I said. I mean, it's happened to me before, where I've read things that are like the worst thing you could think about yourself. Someone found a way to synthesize that hatred that's in your bin and like put it perfectly into words on a forum where everyone is reading about you.
I think that's giving the deficult too much credit. You're you're thinking that this person spent a lot of time thinking about what to say, and then they post.
They didn't they be so obvious. They just were able to jot it down.
Then they went on with their life.
I look so fat or whatever. This is my mean quotes when I when I say, I never ask anyone do I look fat? This person didn't even need to be asked. They just knew it and put it somewhere where I could see it, and I just stumbled upon it accidentally. I never seek it out, And so it's like, but if you don't see it, it doesn't exist. It's like the way I feel about ghosts. At some point in my life, I had to say ghosts don't exist, because otherwise I'd be scared all the time.
When I'm alone.
All the time I was a kid, I was scared constantly of ghosts. And then one day I go if I convince myself they don't exist, and I think people who believe they exist are cuckoo. I can live a peaceful life because I'm not looking for this thing, and so that's what I do with. If I can do that with people's opinions, I'll live a great life.
That's so true. If you don't see it, it doesn't exist. I mean, it does exist.
But I'm not even killing I've ever seen about Kim Kardashian if she never like I think about Taylor Swift and I'm like, I really hope she's not looking at any of this.
I guarantee you it's hard for her to eat.
She can't go online without someone saying, like, there's nowhere online where someone's not talking about her, so it would be impossible.
But she she didn't.
Do anything wrong in dating this guy. People are very upset about it and all these things. But she could, she could avoid all of it, and then it wouldn't matter, and she could keep living her life and not adjust anything. And that's what I'm interested in, is people who avoid everything and just keep living their lives and wait for the wave of hatred or whatever to subside, and then they come back out and it's not there anymore because people have moved on to something else.
Yeah, you said at once to me, successful people don't give little stuff energy.
They just don't know what this small stuff.
Yeah, you're like you are bothered by something, and you're like, I just realized. I read somewhere that successful people don't like let stuff bother them. So I dropped it, like, oh.
Yeah, I worried about someone being mad at me, one of my friends being mad at me, and I was walking down the street being like, I have to explain to her, like that's not what I meant, and now she's gonna think. And I was like, would Taylor Swift ever be obsessed with this?
It would because I was about to hijack my entire day.
It was put a gun to my head and said, you know what, you're gonna do what I want you to do today, which is nothing except think about this.
You're not gonna get anything done.
It's a wasted day. And so looking at it through that lens did help me. Of like, and there are so many things that come up in the girl's chat that I'm in with all my friends that I'm just like, man, because that doesn't you know this thing my friend's bringing up that would never bother me.
I wish I could give them.
My brain for the day.
Yeah, borrow it because that thing would never occur to me, and that way they could get something done today. At the end of the day, they're.
Like, now I'm a swiftie, fuck it, and I'm hungry for rice cakes and cream cheese.
Okay, that's a little dig, but no, Yeah, I got into your sack. Okay, but I'll take it. But yeah, you're right. Like, I just feel like and I'm the same way, Like I get into self hatred things that I drop on the girl's chat where I'm just like, I hate myself today, And I'm sure there's so many I try to think about what my friends are thinking about, like when because when my friends say something crazy or like that I would never worry about, I'm always like, God,
I wish they could see it my way. So I try when I'm in those moods to imagine my friend's brains and how they perceive it, and like trying to borrow their brain for the day, how.
They are aising and like putting yourself in somebody else's shoes.
I just want to I don't want my brain sometimes because I'm hung up on this thing that doesn't seem that no one else seems to care about.
But I don't like there's any reason why someone borrowing my brain would help them.
No one.
Same, So what you would just be obsessed with their fucking teeth all day long and staring in the mirror and like, is this too?
Yeah, I've been there before though, I've been there obsessing about little like like things.
I was trying to think of the teeth thing for you.
I was obsessed with I mean, I look back at pictures of my teeth, and I was obsessed with a tooth thing for a really long time. I was with my legs, really, and you look at other people's legs all you do all on it does. When we were watching Succession was her teeth. I was like, oh my god, this is going to be a teeth of palooza for her. I just knew that you were still a teeth and so we were like watching Succession together, and I knew I was like in the same texting.
I just knew that you were.
You were trying to get out of it.
I kept kept being like, I got to rewind. I missed a bunch of stuff, staring texting Nikki about what exactly teeth?
Yeah, well shives, Oh they're a little darker, and she still works. I'm like, yes, I've been doing that. Yeah, because when you're looking for like a new car, or you start seeing cars everywhere, you start noticing cars. When you're looking for like a new backpack, you start seeing backpacks everywhere. Like, there's our brains betray us constantly, and they're always doing little tricks, like backpacks are always everywhere. I tend to focus on them when I'm looking at
backpacks or looking for a new backpack. But there, it's not like they just started showing up. You know.
Wait, why are you obsessed with your legs?
Brian?
Your brain is an organ and it needs to be for any of the Houston or Methodist Church. Yeah, my legs, I don't know. Did you guys have this growing up? Did you? Did you? Were you ever self conscious about the size of your calves? Oh? Yes, yeah, oh yeah.
My friends used to say that I was one of the gay Bower brothers because Dan Gaybauer had the largest calves. And so Carson's probably laughing right now listening to this. She would be like she would call me Dan Gaybauer because his calves were ginormous. He was like a normal sized guy, but his caves were huge. And she'd be like, and I think one time I made the joke, which is the worst, where I was like, I have the same calves as Dan Gabauer and her laughter was so
confirming that it like ruined my life. You know, Yeah, and I have huge calves. My calves are bigger than Andrews when we measured them.
Your calves, yes, so your issue is the opposite of my issue. I felt like my legs I had little chicken legs. We should I mean, I'm I wouldn't. I mean, I've done a lot of squats since then, and I think my legs are gotten a little better. But I still feel self conscious about my calves. And when I was growing up, I just I would do calf raises all the time. Oh and I just wanted my calves to get bigger.
And they knew that guy on MTV who got calf implants. Did you ever see that one?
Yeah they did.
Yeah it was good, I.
Mean not good.
It looked like chicken breasts.
Yeah, it was huge, but yeah, I could see that, Like I noticed when guys have scorny legs. It's not like I would never fuck him, but I'm just like, oh, that poor guy, because I know he's probably self conscious about like I'm just projecting.
There was a picture of me with Chris in it from twenty sixteen where I was wearing these I made the I made the mistake of buying shorts from Bonobos, which is just not a good place to get shorts. And they were white, and you know, they were too short, you know how like Adam Sandler wears shorts and he's got great cats. They're long, they're long wear shorts. Okay, I can tell you name a guy, a famous person. I can tell you if they got good calves.
That's interesting, that's your thing, his teeth. My thing is forehead size, nose, eyes too close together, too much fat around your back area, lower back, all my like fat arms, Like we all have our thing of like what obsessed?
And know what other celebrities have?
Yeah, and nobody is thinking about it. I spent I wasted so many years of my life obsessing about my ice skating calves are too big. I never should have spent seven years in the rink ice skating and development. It's like, no, who cares.
Well.
The thing I hated most about my legs is that they were too big, And now my legs are the most complimented thing on my entire body by a landslide, because I never used to wear shorts. I never used to wear skirts because I hated my muscular legs, and now it's the thing that is my most complimented thing.
I was hiding it my whole life.
I had no idea for twenty I would say, until two years ago. I started embracing my legs because I just didn't give a fuck anymore. And then I was like, WHOA, I have good legs. I had never heard that before. I had never thought of it ever. I just got made fun of for having two muscular legs.
You're like a nerdy girl in an eighties movie who wears a ponytail and gold.
Yeah. I took off the glasses. It's so bizarre to me. The thing I hated more than anything about myself, I always wanted my sister's legs to be taken from her in a car accident because they were so perfect, such little tiny, like she had gazelle legs, and I always wanted those legs, no fat on them. If you squeeze them as tartly as you could, there would be no cellulite.
There's just none. And I was always so jealous.
And Sara Lena has those kinds of legs too, and I always wanted them, And.
Now, uh, that's just not.
It's just so weird that it was the opposite of what I thought the whole time.
It does seem like a lot of guys have calf issues.
Yes they do.
Oh yeah, yeah, you do all these calf exercises. Some people in high school would walk around with calf weights on their ankles all day to try to get this. And then there was also.
Turns into hairline.
Yeah, yes, that's the that's the male obsessives.
You guys aren't worried about like your butts like we are.
We all became obsessed with butts not having one, then having one.
Yeah, now it was not want not not having one?
Is it?
What's what's good? Now? I feel like men most men that I, uh, you know, talk to about these things, they say they like big butts. Yeah, isn't that what it's? They can't lie, Yeah, I don't think they're lying to me.
Well, hips don't lie and butts.
Wait, are you guys worry? Do you think the ozempic thing is saying now everyone's got to have small butts?
Yes, because that goes against what.
The men are are are celebrating.
We guess, I guess it's not about what men want, because it's like because well, the problem is, and Sailors has said it perfectly in her special if you're large enough to have a butt, you have a tummy. If you have the if you're large enough, if you eat enough to have the perfect butt, you have a tummy, and you're like your arms get sausage e. And then if you're thin enough to not have sausage arms and in a flat tummy, you have no butt. And so you can't fucking win, to quote my girl, you can't
fucking win. So there's you know, it's just but that's but you can win, and it's called a BBM. And they suck the fat out of your stomach and they put it in your ass, and so that's the way to win.
Yeah, documentary about that looks terrible.
I think what a lot of men want in their heads and this is not what I want, f YI, But I think they want like a little thin, a rail fin waste and a huge ass cool.
I think that's yes, Well, because they know boobs, do you guys not like boobs anymore.
They all they want huge, gigantic boobs aint it needs to be Basically, if you were in the jungle, you would be eaten immediately because you wouldn't be able to get escape anything. That's what they want.
Yeah, want us disabled.
They want your top heavy on the breasts and then the the waist incapable of holding them up. And then an ass that is can't get you through a thin cave.
What is it about that ass that like?
Because women, I mean, for so long, having a big ass was the worst thing possible. Yeah, and then it switched and I don't think in the past it's ever been desirable to have the big ass into until two thousand and eighteen. It was like the first time women were like, I want a big ass. It's not you know, usually trends come and go, like the sixties, big zass was where in I don't think they've ever been in until the Kardashians.
I like it and I cannot lie. Was a huge revelation. That was a huge that was a statement at the time, like people were secretly secretly they were like, I like big butts, but I don't want to say because everyone.
Like, oh yeah. They had to be ashamed about it because that was during the nineties of like the fat free phase and like wave thin girls.
Yeah, the whole song is about you.
And he's like a shame that he likes big, big butts. He's coming out about it, like like coming out of the closet. Yes and yes, and oh my god, that's crazy that it was like revelatory for someone to say that, and that's why he was like, I cannot lie.
I can't lie.
I'm not getting anymore funny.
I like big butts.
My friends, for a big ass on a woman was something to be ashamed of because it was so that not the norm. That's really interesting. I never thought about.
It that what are the kinks today? What are the ones today that people want to shout from the rooftops about but they're getting pissed on?
Yeah, getting pissed on anal anal?
I feel like no one's no, I guess for women wanting anal, but for men saying they want anal is like as easy as saying I want a glass of water.
I think it's easy. Yeah, you're supposed to have seven glasses of anal a day.
Yes, yeah, Oh I thought you meant for men to admit they want to be pegged.
No, no, no, you're man and you want to get pegged that.
I think it used to be gay to say you wanted to fuck someone in the ass, like a woman in the ass. Like guys were like kind of ashamed of Oh really, I didn't know that, Like what, but why is it so normal now? And it wasn't normal before? What was so shamed shameful about it? Then?
I can't I don't know, but I can only speak to the trends I'm I'm sensing.
I think it's porn obviously. Oh yeah, like anil is just ubiquitous impornt.
It's definitely furry stuff is gone the up and up. Furry and anime stuff is on the rise. I don't know.
There's sometimes some animation, animated stuff on porn where I go. This ad is almost getting me because it's like a giant man and a tiny little girl, like not girl, but like a tiny like it'll be like a cartoonishly, it'll be like an ape man, like a giant, giant, like it'll be like a monster, like a King Kong fucking a little tiny woman like on the top of the Empire state building. And I like it, even though he's like tearing her up, and I'm like, what the
fuck is wrong with me? Like now I need cartoons because nothing, no human can even give me what I want to see anymore. I haven't watched porn in a really long time. Actually, I'm pretty proud of my and I'm not proud of myself. Actually I kind of miss it.
Thinks it's so gay. Check out the landscape because it is there the advancements in porn technology a couple weeks ago. Kidding me, Yes, they're always the ones that are ahead of everybody else when they're adopting technology like like you know, like like deep fakes. You know that was porn first.
Yes, we all just what a fuck thing? I mean, because guess what. Sex leads everything. And that's why it's like so bizarre to me that we can't talk about it openly because it literally is every it's everything that
anyone is motivated by. And if you are a sexual, sex, the fact that you don't want sex is something that's on the forefront of your mind a lot like yes, really defines who you are, So even if sex is not something that they're interested in, it defines who you are the merreor fact that other people want it and you don't.
So sex is everything.
Did you know that the first successful full heart transplant was done in a porn No, it wasn't. Just kidding, this is the technology thing, I would say. I couldn't think of any example of it.
Yeah, the polio vaccine.
Was It was invented by Ron Jeremy nineteen seventy three.
Yeah, I mean it's all uh yeah, but I haven't I haven't dabbled in that in a while.
Are you worried about deep fakes? No? I would.
I mean, yeah, I am just on a like people putting my face in porn. No, I'm not worried about it on a personal level, but on a level of like for the ar media and like the truth yes, deeply and chat GPT. I mean people, I don't know anything about this, so this is kind of like a we know nothing segment. But people who do know about advancements in AI and the threat they pose to humanity
are so fucking alarmed at Chat GPT. They one expert that was on the Sam Harris podcast I was trying to listen to, but I couldn't understand half of what they were saying because they're so smart, said that he thought it was going to be twenty or thirty years from now by the time that that chat GBT is something like that would exist. And he is an expert in this field, and he says it is happening at
such an alarming rate. I mean, every job is going to be replaced by this eventually that you can literally type in chat GBT, write a joke in the about traffic Cones in the style of Nicki Glazer, and it will write a better joke than I could.
No, it won't.
I mean, I mean, you don't know.
What I've been into these days.
I'll do that right now and we'll see what Joe. I guarantee you it. Yeah, I have it. I use I am on the forefront of all this, a Cones trashal I got to log in, so I need there's time.
We'll give you a second. Okay, So last night I went over to my mom's house, and my mom's they're not divorcing, so but you know, we know about marriage and property and she's her name's on it, and we start watching The Depoted and because it was just on, we tried to watch and we watched one episode of Intervention, but we were both like crying by the end of it because it was bringing up old wounds I think of, like, you know, just you know, when I almost died and stuff.
So we were I think we both were like, let's not watch anymore. Even though Katie did live. At the end, we thought, I thought, you ever try to predict on Intervention, like is this person gonna be okay?
Oh?
They die?
Sometimes no, they just like leave treatment or they relapse right right right, you know, like at the end, it'll tell you they relapsed after ninety two days or whatever it is.
As drug of choice, Katie.
Heroin and crack, and she was so smart. And this girl is twenty eight and she started doing heroin. She was like like she's been doing it for like thirteen years. And she lives with her boyfriend who she doesn't even fuck anymore, and he's just giving her a heroin because he loves her so much and like doesn't want her to struggle and get sick, and because she's such a nag,
but he doesn't even they don't even fuck anymore. She just he's a drug dealer, so he has it, and I guess he doesn't have a problem with it because he's like fine kind of.
But her family hates her so much.
She has been in rehab thirteen times and they've done that many interventions for her. So the family is just the sister called intervention the TV show. It is like, please, can we do this? And the family's like, we're not doing this same more. We're done with her. It's over. And I've never seen a family so like, I have to move on. She's dead to me because she is already. She's gonna die, she's never gonna change. And they all finally convince the mom because the mom's like, I can't
be hurt anymore. I have to let her go, and they convinced her to do it, and they confronted her and she went, but she was like, I have to go home first, and they're like why. She's like, I'll go to treatment. I have to go home first, and they're like why, Katie, why and she's like, well, because I need to get my things and they're like, we'll get your things for you tell us what you need and she's like, they go, do you need to go home because you want to use and she's like yes,
of course, gonna do it again. And they're like, you know what, Okay, we'll let you go. And it was nice because I thought that I thought they're gonna lose her because they won't you, they won't let She was like, I already showed up to this thing with not enough heroin in my system because I thought I was signing a paper. You guys told me signing a paper, so I only did enough to get through signing a paper. I'm already freaking out. And it was like, let her
go do some h and then she'll go. And she went to treatment, and like ninety days later, she's a lot like she is fat on her body again and she's just kind of like and I don't even want to google it because this was in twenty fourteen. But I don't think Katie made it. And I want her to make it more than anything, but I just don't. I don't know. I was like her mom, I was like, I've lost oping this girl, but I really hope she did because she was so smart. Usually people on those
shows are so like they're set. They're always smart, like heroin addicts are usually like very intelligent, and drug addicts are. They're usually smarter people than you would think, but you wouldn't know because their brains are fried. But she was like everything she did, she was like, oh, I know, my life isn't good. I'm doing a documentary right now to be an example for people not to do drugs. So things aren't great for me. And then she goes and like, nady she yet I told her mom, I go,
I listened to this girl's podcast. She was so self reflective. I really liked her. But I don't even want to google it because I don't want to know. There's several Katies on intervention, so don't tell me. But I want to believe she made it.
But I just type in a joke about traffic cone is done by Katie from a intervention.
Yeah, let's find out if she is dead.
I know. The problem was she was never gonna it was there's some people that like it won't kill like she was just not. She still looked beautiful, she still had all her hair.
Oh yeah, there's so many functioning heroin addicts.
Oh my god.
But she but she would. She wasn't even getting high anymore.
The intake people were like, she doesn't get high anymore, she just gets not sick. So she was totally lucid. It was just like she just wasn't throwing up. She was never like what's up, guys, nodding off or anything.
I know.
It was awful and she was so aware of it. It was a really good episode. I think was season thirteen, episode one. It's on Hulu. Okay, Bright, what did this? What did it say?
I'm failing miserably. It's not letting me log in.
I'm sorry, Oh my god, just remember I'm.
It's saying oops, it just keeps saying, which is it? No, it's just free. It's still free.
Wait, you can just get chat ept for free.
Yes, you can just get it for free. But I'm telling you this, it's not as good as you think. And Okay, I would not worry that much about AI or replacing everything.
I can't wait to be replaced, honestly, I want to You know what can't replace a bird rescue, which is what I'm going to do as soon as this job is taken from me. I'm gonna just rescue animals and robots can't do that yet, so I'll be fine.
I'm very proud of the WGA because we are fighting to get some rules set in place for Have you been on the picket lines. I've been on the picket lines. I've been picketing every day. Here do you go? I'm not every day, but almost every day. I go. Well, I'm very lucky because I live within walking distance of Amazon and Sony, so I can just walk to either of those lots whenever. That's the vibe there, vibe is great. I love Yeah.
Yesterday, Cheryl Hines, where is everything.
Is?
He's like the spearhead of that. He's the face of this.
He was on the negotiating committee, he was elected to be a board member.
He's amazing.
Yeah yeah, he has to say about it, like put a microphone in front of the guy Adam Conover, who Brian writes for currently for his YouTube channel.
Right you still do that?
Yeah?
Sure, yeah, he that guy is the best. So you So Cheryl Hines showed up.
Cheryl Hines was on the line at Amazon yesterday and I got and there was She wanted to take a group photo with a bunch of picketers. I wouldn't go up to her and start talking to her. That's inappropriate. But she wanted to take a group photo and then she waved me over and I was in it. I'm in a group photo. There's a chance I might show up on her Instagram page. Oh my god. Yeah, but Harry at the Netflix studios yesterday day.
The show with Cheryl Hines. She's so nice?
Oh you did? Yeah?
I did a game show with her like six months ago and she was lovely to me. And that was the game show I talked about on the show where there was one person who was not nice and I'll show I will. I can't wait to book her and then cancel her and go. It was because you were route to me on that one show we did. And now you can probably figure out who it is, because
if that show comes out, it's not Cheryl Hines. There's two other women on it too, So now I feel bad because one of them is nice and you won't know which one Wasn't that cool or yeah. So anyway, here's my thing. How many days, how many hours are you are you walking around?
They oblige you, that's what they say, to walk for four hours a day, Monday through Friday, I'm not sure everybody's doing it.
Are you doing that? I will not.
Friends, Well that's the thing. No, they go, I go, well, So the first day I did it. I just want to say quickly that at Netflix yesterday, imagine dragons showed up. That's what I saw that and they did a free concert for the right. No. I was at Amazon.
Who's there?
It seems like, yeah, showed up and they begged us for money, and I was like, this is not but it's it's really I feel very proud of the union and I'm it's fun. But I go there and the first day I showed up, I had I have no friends. I didn't know anybody that was out there. I was kind of surprised, but it's because everybody that I know is on the east side, is in Hipsterville, and I'm now on the west side. So the east side is like where all the writers that I would know would be picketing and.
Make friends and go, hey, what are you write?
So the first day I didn't talk to anybody. I walked around in a circle. I felt very lonely.
For four hours or some therein.
Some some amount that would keep me obliged to the union, yes. And the second day I was like, you know what, I am going to talk to somebody. So I did a couple of laps with the picket with the picket line, and I just looked for people who are also alone. Yes, yes, And I found a guy and I walked up to him and I said, Hello, do you want to talk or was you rather walking?
Like an ai that's the problem, Okay, you said would you rather talk or walk in?
I said, hello, do you want to talk or would you rather walk in silence? That's open And he thought about it and he said, you know what, I'll talk. So then we wound up talking. And now every day since I've talked to a different person on the line.
By saying that line.
Sometimes they they talk to me.
Oh yeah, Brian, you're very personable.
Yeah, and I would be lucky to be next to you in a picket line.
Yeah. We talk, and you know, we talk about all sorts of shit. We get deep fast too.
Yeah. I guess it's like it's you gotta be out there if you're not working, like I would probably be out there if I've lived in La Yeah, doing it.
But well, it's such a great situation because you know, you're going up. It's like you're going up to a person and you're asking them to talk, and you know that you have to be there for hours, and so it's not like you're talking to someone and you're like, God, I wish I could just leave. Why do I have to be here? You have to be there. So you're like guaranteed at a certain amount of time talking to somebody, but.
You could just kind of lap them or something, or kind of like mosey back or go, oh, I got to tie my shoe and like find someone else.
That happened once, and it was really embarrassing. Why well, I mean, I was this person tried to get away from you. Yes, this person came up to me. She was like drama or comedy and I was like, oh, comedy.
That's okay, that's the opener.
That's the drama. Comedy and I was like, oh, comedy, and she's like oh and then I guess the conversation it only lasted like less than two minutes because then she was like, all right, I gotta go, and then she saw some oh, hi, Lindsay or whatever, and she got away from me as fast as possible.
Right.
I didn't say anything that would cause her to do that. It was just she sussed out the.
Maybe maybe she was interested in you, and you came up that you were engaged.
That would make me. Oh it didn't.
No, I think you saw your wedding.
She looked at im half wage. I think it was like, this guy is not worth my time.
Oh right, she just privately googled it real quick or reddited it. Okay, we'll be back with reddit dump after this. All right, we're back. Let's do reddit dump. This is your redit dump. Okay, why do Oh? These are the dumbest celebrity tweets. So it's from pop culture Chat. It says dumbest celebrity tweet, and it's Bbi Rexa, who I played against her family and family feud and she was very lovely, but she had a dumb tweet that I
probably would have made the same mistake, it said. So she's responding to a tweet that says if you had the chance to time travel, where would you go? And she wrote, I would go to Paris nineteen forties. Oh my god, that's just someone who grew up being a pop star.
Okay, let's hope so okay, yeah, no kidding, Um, Okay.
So in the comments, though, is where people listed all other celebrity tweets that they loved, and there were some good ones.
Okay, so this.
One said, uh, not so much dumb as poorly timed, but I still cackle when I think of the time The Weekend tweeted, let's go just as Russia bombed you craye. Okay, lindsay this. Someone posted Lizzie Lohan's tweet. She said, why is everyone in such a panic about hurricane I'm calling it Sally in parentheses. Stop projecting negativity, think positive and pray for peace. Oh my god, Oh this one was painful. This is from Rita Aura, who I also I mean, I don't mean to name drop, but I'm also on
a show with her. Last week on Thursday's celeb Game Face with My Mom on E we played against Rita Aura and her sister. But this is Rita Aura. She said, dropping my new song Monday. If this gets one hundred thousand retweets, it has eighteen hundred retweets, like purposely did it and she people said, biggest secondhand embarrassment I've ever had for a celeb, the fact that she pretended she was hacked because she was nowhere near the rt amount she said, she said, she pretended she was hacked. Oh
this one is so good. Okay, So asap Ferg. So someone posted about acep Ferg. He goes acept Ferg announces the name of his forthcoming album, and then there's a link an acep for responds second and then the guy writes back, sorry, if there is an inaccuracy somewhere, something we need to fix, and he goes, you said fourth coming album, it's only the second. Oh, no, cute, that's
a cute one. Then Joel Austin, you know that fucking hick, Yes, yeah, who didn't let hurricane you know, victims stay at his compound, which, by the way, I was kind of thinking about that, and I was like, I don't know if i'd want a bunch of hurricane victims at my house either, But maybe I'm reading it wrong, Like I remember everyone was so mad at Joel. I hate Joel Austin because he's obviously a smart enough guy to know that what he's preaching is not true, and he's you know, a charlatan
and a corrupt person. But I don't know that I want a bunch of fucking displays Hurricane refuge Us at my beautiful compound either. But I would do it because I didn't want to be a dick. But you can't blame the guy. Am I wrong?
No tricking all those people, They're not tricking.
No, for just not he the biggest thing that people get mad about him. Yeah, they said, remember when Joel Austin refused to let victims of Hurricane Harvey into his church and it can hold like fifteen thousand people after they've been flooded out of their homes. He saw what happened to the fucking super Dome in New Orleans. He turned into like a homeless camp. I'm sorry, it's a church.
Yeah, it's like the whole point of welcome in the you know, the the people who are suffering. It's like if it was that would be different. Which was like a lot which is like a Curb your Enthusiasm storyline, get it.
But there's a lot of money that goes into that church to make a nice I hate this guy. I want to be clear. I think he is the devil. I think he's a bad person. Every time I say him on TV, I just go uugh, Yeah, but I don't kind of blame him for this because it would have been completely trashed. But I guess you're just supposed to allow that. I guess the church it's a really nice and they have enough money to rebuild, Okay, so keep.
Their doors locked and so fuck them. They really yeah, but it's been for decades. It's like, why doesn't Why don't churches have open doors because they.
Because the homeless need places to go, and they'll it'll get trashed, don't We want to keep things nice sometimes?
But like, I also don't know what what do you think the solution is?
Go to Joelastines.
The reason why it's upsetting is because it's hypocritical. It goes against what he's preaching. He's like, you know, help people turn the other cheek, Jesus, all that stuff, charity, charity, the Cross, he says all those things, and then he SAIDs and then and then when it comes time to put his money where his mouth is, he doesn't do it.
Yes, but there's also the thing of like it would have gotten trashed. I mean, I just I want someone who's smarter than all four of us to weigh in on this, because I don't see why wanting to protect something that a lot of money and effort has been put into building. I mean, maybe you make it hurricane like refugee accessible, and like you build it so that it can like with that in mind that someday this is going to be a place where people are going to need to go. I don't know. None of us
open our homes to victims of things. So not that it's his home. I know it's his church, but like you don't open would you want them? Would you go to a gym that you is your gym, that your business that you run, or like your business your cafe and let people sleep there.
But it's a disaster where they supposed to go.
It's temporary, temporary disaster. It's not like this the government. It is supposed to come tax dollars. Yes, So I'm not defending to Laustine. Actually I kind of am.
I don't know what's wrong with what the fuck is happening you guys? Oh my god, don't jacket home? Okay, So Joel Austin says, this is the tweet that is a embarrassing. A true friend walks in when everybody walks out. Okay, that's hilarious. A true friend doesn't rub it in. When you make a mistake, they rub it out.
Oh masturbation, Joe, Oh yeah, that's a good friend.
Doctor Phil tweeted once in twenty thirteen, if a girl is drunk, is it okay to have sex with her? Reply yes or no to doctor Phil hashtag teen's accused. It just seems like he's asking, he's asking for his show. Yeah, but also I don't know. Again, I found nothing wrong with this tweet because it's asking if a girl is a kneebri and it people. I think people are shocked by this because they're like, of course, it's not okay.
I'm sorry, no one would be conceived if our dads didn't fuck a girl who had been a little bit drunk or drunk. I just don't believe that people have sex. I think it's do you know what I'm saying? Maybe I'm wrong.
I'm like, am I begging to get canceled?
I don't know what I'm doing.
Wait, can you you're saying look into what you're saying? We were would?
He says, if a girl is drunk, is it okay to have sex with her? I think people are upset about this tweet because they're like, of course it's not okay to have sex with a girl that's drunk.
I think it's the reply yes or no, I don't know for some reason, like it's fun have a different yes.
It sounds like he's checking before he takes action.
Yeah, that's why it's funny. But I think people are offended because they're like, of course it's not okay. But I would say, yes, it's okay to have sex with a girl who's drunk. But also this is I mean again, I'm this is another thing that is a sticky situation. But I think most people who have sex the girl is drunk, like, as long as she consents, yes, But then what if she's like yeah.
Yeah, what if she's like the Love is Blind person, then can you have what do you mean yes, no, the girl from Love is blind? You were with the bagh. It depends what It reaches a level where it's not okay any.
By the way, whereas alcohol makes you do stupid things, alcohol is a retardant. I don't think that's the right word for it, because there retarded to some of the pressent flames out. It is, well, it's not it's not only the present. It makes you stupid er. It makes you dumber. That's why you do things that are hash like or quote unquote brave almost aid hashtag brave. That's why you do things that you're like, oh, liquid courage. It's not because it makes you courageous. It makes your
your sense of fear and observing things around you. It diminishes those things so that you are able to step out on that ledge, you are able to say that thing to that person. It's not because you're like suddenly have self esteem enough to do that.
You're just stupider. So why is it okay?
Then if girls get stupid, like, they'll only fuck you if they get stupider? Isn't that shouldn't that be wrong than any amount that makes you dumber?
And unless with it?
He should have asked, is it okay to have sex with someone borderline unconscious?
He should have asked, is it okay to have sex with someone who just got their pH d?
Oh because they got smarter?
Yeah? That really bombed, man.
I mean I saw the logic of it right that for you?
Okay, I do. I just I was able to log into chat EPT and I was able to ask it in case we would go back to that. Yes, please, I have I have five Nikki Laser jokes about traffic cones. Okay, Number one, traffic cones are like the Kardashians of the road. They're everywhere, they're distracting, and no one knows why they're famous. The problem is, traffic cones are not famous.
Are not famous. But listen, I thought that the first two were good. Yeah, they're everywhere, they're distracting. Let's come up with a better one.
And and uh and no one knows why they're so orange.
Oh that's good.
I like that.
This is why you're on the pick.
Everywhere.
Protect that talent, all right, all righting them up your ass or something. And then I was like, well, that's not what the Kardashians do.
Okay, they're distracting.
And they almost exclusively date black people.
The other jokes, you know what's worse than hitting a pothole? Hitting a traffic cone. At least with a pothole, you can pretend you're off roading. With a traffic cone. You just look like a drunk driver.
What I like it.
I dare you, without context, to go on stage and try one of these. Joe, don't tell them it's chat ept. I'm telling you. This ship is not good.
It's not good. It's that's not good.
I don't trust.
Traffic because we used to Hold on, wait, let me just go back to that joke. So a traffic cone. Wait, say it again. So when you feel like.
What's worse than a hitting a pothole? Hitting a traffic cone. At least a pothole, you can pretend you're off roading with a traffic cone. There's lots like a trunk driver.
But there's logic behind that.
Because it's copying your logic, it's plagiarizing you.
I know, I like it.
I'm not off roading. A pothole is in the road, I know.
But I can feel like because you're like bouncing like into this pothole, you can feel like you're like, oh, I'm rugged rugged terrain.
Like that makes sense to me.
You know, what's worse than hitting a pothole is what getting killed? At Least when you get killed, you can pretend you're stop.
I am defending chat ept. They picked two things that happen on the road to compare them. It kind of makes sense. The only problem is you don't hit traffic cones that often, and there's no there's no reason to compare them.
You've defended Olstein, you've defended doctor Phil's date rape, and now you're defending.
Oh my god, I just want to open a bird rescue.
Okay, I don't trust traffic cones. They're always telling me to go slow, but they never offer to pay me for my speeding ticket. What the fuck?
I love this so much, it's my special friend.
Is this kind of insulting because this is what it thinks the nicky Glazer joke is No, it's good.
I have the on version one. It's so cute. It's like a kid like learning how to do comedy or something like. It totally sounds like a five year old like, and that's funny. That one is the best one of the three because traffic cones do wait, so they never so they trust make you go So it doesn't make sense reason traffic cone they're always telling.
You to go slow, but then oh but then they never offer to pay for your speeding tickets.
Look, if that does not make sense, No, in chat GPT's mind, going slow and speeding are the same thing, and it's equating. Well, it would make sense if it's said, but it never plays for your tickets. When you get pulled over for going too slow. Yeah, no, like it's it's thinking a speeding ticket is like a ticket you can get for going too slow, which I guess is a thing, but we would not call it that.
There is a stand up comedy robot. Did you know this? A Japanese I think robot.
Oh, I've seen those on YouTube.
It does. It's a literal, physical form mechanical robot that goes on stage and it tells jokes. And the scary thing about the robot is that it can tell jokes, unlimited jokes every second, and soon it will be able to have AI audience members, so it's like it can tell it can test out unlimited jokes at nauseum two unlimited audience members, so it might actually be able.
To come up with the GTP would laugh at that joke that was just told, right, because it doesn't know it wrote it, So why would it not think? Why would it be able to judge whether it's good or not.
It's tough when it comes to humor taste.
Okay, well, this is one more tweet that is really funny. So some performer called Shad Moss, I guess I don't know who that is it said Travel Day NYC press run for Growing Up Hip Hop. Let's go, I promised to bring you all the hottest show ever May twenty fifth on we TV. And it shows a picture of him. He's just taking a picture, you can't see him in it of a private jet. And then someone on Snapchat posted that guy and he says, so, this guy, little bow Wow, I guess that's little bow Wow is Shad
Shad Moss. He goes, so this guy little bow Wow is on my flight to New York. But on Instagram he posted a picture of private jet caption traveling to New York today.
Ha ha ha.
And he's like, you see him, You see him like looking at his post on his phone, like in on a Southwest flight in the back. It's so good. And then yeah, that's so sad. I know. Let's go to final thought. Noah, I want you to play the one where the guy's talking in his car. And this is labeled how to keep someone from getting defensive in an argument.
These three responses will keep somebody from getting defensive. My name is Jefferson Fisher. I'm a trial attorney, and I teach people how to argue and communicate when it's your turn to respond in an argument. You can actually keep somebody from getting defensive. If you want, start with what you agree with. Now you don't actually even have to agree with what they said. You can go macro and
just agree that the two of you are talking. For example, you can see I agree that this subject is worth discussing, or I agree that we should talk about this. As long as you use use the words I agree, you automatically bring down their wall.
Number two, tell them what you've learned.
It can be as easy as after listening I've learned that this topic is really important to you. As long as they hear the phrase I have learned, it makes them feel like they're educating, like they're understood. In other less defensive or Number three, you can try using the phrase that's helpful to know. If you tell them that they've been helpful, it makes them feel like they're invested in their own mutual understanding, and then they're going to be more receptive to what you have to say.
So try that and follow me.
How good are How simple and kind of manipulative are all of those?
I know I can see it working. I that it would work because that they managed just like, how yeah, how dumb are people easily tricked? You could be like, I agree with you, you're a dumb piece of shit. Yeah, I've learned today that I've learned a lot from you. That you're stupid and I hate you.
But he even says like things, I agree we're talking about this, Yeah, just to say that is so funny to me that we're both inhaling oxygen right now and our hearts are muscles.
That is good to find a place of common ground at least a start.
Yes, I mean women do this all the time. You read a dating book and it teaches you how to talk, and you're like, ugh, I have to learn how to be Like, you're right about this idea I actually had.
Yes, I do find this to be very helpful in talking to men. But or I mean, I think i'd see through this. I would want this a little bit more. And like when I'm in arguments of someone doing these things for me and saying what they've learned or what they understand. But I do this. This is this is how I commune. Like if I get into a tiff with my beloved, I always try to say I always try to see his side of things and explain to him what his side of things is so that I.
Don't have to hear it anymore.
And so that he knows I get it, you know, like I want to. But at the same time, they don't like to be interrupted, so you might have to listen to it again fully, and then you can take a beat and go, here's what I think you've said. But I also find that sometimes that doesn't actually work because they'll you know, and I've done this before too, where you hear someone repeat you know. For instance, recently, I was like upset about something that someone texted me,
and I didn't just let it slide. I was like, that wasn't cool or funny or something. I replied like I don't like it, and the person said, I'm really sorry.
I didn't mean it that way.
And I was so proud of myself because what I did start typing back was yeah, that really hurt because of bubblah. I was gonna explain all of my feelings again. I didn't explain my feelings at first. I just go, that's kind of that didn't feel good to read or whatever, and then the person apologized, and then I was going to go because and you know why.
It didn't feel good.
But after that gave me the apology, and I was writing all this stuff explaining why exactly that did hurt me, even though they just acknowledged I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way, and I go, why do I need to send this? Just I want to do what I want from others, which is when I apologize and say I get it, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way,
they forgive me and move on. They don't keep going back to it and going because it did hurt that you said it like this, and that did make me like I understand, needing to be understood and feeling like, okay, they don't really get it.
They're saying they get it, but I need to repeat it.
But I was really proud of myself to erase that entire message I was going to send, explaining because I hadn't explained yet why it was hurtful and I needed them to know that. And then I go, no, they no, I don't they know it was hurtful. They said sorry, this is over, and I just said thank you and done and move on.
It's that that urge. It's it's kind of like a primal urge to twist the knife, because if you got hurt, you want the image thing which you successfully averted would be to make them now hurt in retaliation. And you were like, you know what, I'm gonna be a I'm not gonna do it.
Firse about it. Yeah, and you have them in a vulnerable position where they've just apologized, so that you know that they're open to like taking more punches. Yes, you know, like whenever I apologize and I'm like I was wrong, pile it on me like I can now. I'm just like I'm a punching bag. Like I'll apologize for everything. I'll give you so much more of like I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. I'm like, you can't get it enough from me. I'll just keep piling it on. So
why not just keep telling me? And it hurt when you did this and this and this is how it hurt. And it's just like once someone apologizes, try to let it go. Try to walk away from him, at least until your anger subsides, because you're still angry from before they apologized, and you still want to be you like.
Not aholder at all.
No, I'm not let for I just go because I want people to do the same for me.
Yeah, you ever get to the point where you can't.
Forgive anyone for anything? Literally, I always say Trump could go I'm so sorry, I don't know what I was doing, and I would forgive him.
I really would. I believe I hate him more than anyone.
I've said it on the podcast before, I'll say it again, is that you. I mean, you have forgiven people for things that I can't believe.
Well, yeah, because if they're sorry, if they really make an amends and they say I can't believe I did that, I don't know, because no one wants to be the person.
No one can help what they are.
Even if you murder someone, you can't help that your brain chose to murder instead of talk it out or whatever, Like you have a.
Fucked up brain.
And if you are able to reach a point where you go, I can't believe I did that. I mean I really do think when people say, like, oh my god, I can't believe that person. You see these fathers hug a criminal in court and the criminal like murdered their child, and you go, how could that father ever hug the person who killed his child? And you were just mind boggled by it. I would be that father if the criminal really was like, I can't believe I did that.
I've done soul searching in prison. I this, These are all the things that steps in my life that led me to take your son's life instead of doing anything else. I would be able to see this person couldn't help that, and they hate that they did it, and I relate to that feeling. Do you know many things I've said in my life that I'm like so embarrassed by who who can point a finger and say they've never done something they regret? So just forgive people because you've done it too well.
Forgiving is not an entirely selfless act. When you forgive someone, you are also releasing yourself from holding feelings of negativity and having that person have any power over you anymore. Yeah, those people can take over your life, take over your brain, and you could really spiral into a depression just because someone's wronged you. And if you forgive them, it's just a release. It's the same thing.
It's hard to do when they don't apologize, though, then I hold on to it if they don't apologize, I just like love. Hating people.
Can never like so often you won't get that apology. Maybe the person's.
Dead, or maybe the person just isn't capable.
They have a personality disorder that makes them incapable of feeling empathy or feeling bad about what they did.
They'll forgive them, still forgive that struggle because it's you doing it for yourself at that point.
Actually, don't struggle with that because I am able to look at it as like a brain abnormality, like they are sick in the head, as opposed to like they are a bad person. Yeah, I'm able to see it, like they don't have an arm, you know, like they a guy with no arms can't hug me. So a guy with a part of his brain that didn't get developed can't feel empathy for me, can't feel can't see what he's done wrong.
He's a narcissist. That's a personality disorder.
It's a diagnosable thing for someone to have a narcissisic personality disorder, which makes them incapable of giving a.
Fuck about you.
You are sociopaths, but you will never let them do it again. That's the I mean, you can forget yourself.
You don't.
You don't forgive them, you can forge you just excuse it because it's like you're mad at someone for not doing something that that has a disability. I look at it as a disability, something that's not their fault, that this person cannot apologize or be a good person and is sociopathic and is jealous and is trying to ruin my career by saying these shitty things, like I've had people do horrible things to me behind my back. You know that one comedian in Saint Louis who is like
a bully to me. I still hate her, but I know that she I feel sorry for her childhood and I feel sorry for how she was bullied in life to be so threatened by me that she has to like she tried to ruin me, And and there's a there's I would have been the same if I were born into her brain with her life experiences, I would have done the same thing to me. So I cannot fault her, but I can still hate her from afar and I will forever and ever thank you guys for
listening to the show. That's it for today. Don't try to send me people of guessing who that person is. I'll never reveal her name. Luckily you wouldn't know her name because she never made It's not Kathleen Madigan. Don't guess that she's dead to everyone. She doesn't exist anymore in comedy. And it's a great, great gift to me. Thank you so much for listening. That is me, Nikki.
Don't be so mean. Stop, Okay, I'm just joking. I really wish her the best, her and her daughter whatever, even though I will say that when she got pregnant, I texted Amy Schumer like, oh my god, my bully is pregnant, and she goes you won, and so that was a nice day in my life. All right, thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast. We will be back tomorrow. Don't you even think we won't. I am in Europe right now. We will be in London on I believe Friday night, So if you are
in the UK, please come out and see us. We're on the European tour in the middle of it. This is a pre taped episode. You didn't know until now, did you.
Maybe you did because you saw my Instagram and I'm in Europe and you're.
Like, how does she bring lik?
But anyway, thank you so much for listening. We will see you on the podcast tomorrow. Don't be kissed, and to just forget everyone.