#337 The Novices

The Nicky Gliser Podcast.

Niki Glaser Podcast.

Here's Nicky, Yeah, Noah's out.

Noah has no voice today, she's here with us.

Hi, it's Sneaky Glaser. It's Sneaky Glaser podcast. Welcome to it. Another week of shows beginning right now. I'm in Saint Louis, Missouri. Noah is in Arizona with no voice. Noah, I do want to just give him a little sample.

A little bit.

I mean I could. It's on here.

Yeah. What if we have new listeners, you know, they're listening for the first time and they just.

Hear Here's yeah, Well that sucks, man.

I had a sinus infection and it traveled to my throat.

That's a really good Noah. I'm working on it.

I have all my girlfriends have gentle, angelic voices, and I do not.

And Noah is gentle and kind in our spirit too.

Although what was it she said when we were We can't even repeat it. Oh, we can't know.

I don't even remember who it was about, but it was so funny.

It was Noah can just be so harsh sometimes because you think she's just so sweet and everything is just like she's just like kind about everything and understanding like, well maybe he just was feeling, you know, a little certained by that, and like she's never like that piece of shit, like, but sometimes she is like it could be really and.

She's like he's a disgusting bore.

Oh yeah, well zach on love is wine.

She famously thinks said he's a wreck, and when we have all been just kind of like defending him, and she just goes, oh, he's a wreck.

It was just her on.

The couch in the corner, like hadn't said much that day, and it was just the I couldn't stop laughing.

I know, I think it was the funny.

And then she said something this weekend that was really mean out of nowhere, and I could not stop. I'll tell you later. We can't sell it on the pod. And it's not because I'm trying to leave you guys out. It's just I don't want anyone's feelings to get hurt. And it was Brian. It's not about you. It just uh no, never about Brian. Only nice things about Brian.

Brian. Francie's here.

Everyone, he's in La Yeah, hello, everybody, trying trying to mix it up a little bit.

I never lose my voice and like go away. That makes people feel bad.

Like whenever I'm feeling sick, it's I want some sickness to like come.

Out in my voice. I mean it was a little bit.

Like nasally a couple of weeks ago, but I could still talk. I want to be taken out.

Well, it was fun right when you had your vocal surgery because you were like, oh yeah, jah, hi guys, it's so great to see you. Well, hi, HELLI you.

Who is this woman? I can still talk like that.

I don't think it will come out.

I don't think Noah's doing this.

But whenever I don't think you're doing this, Noah, okay, whenever someone loses their voice, I think they're faking it, and I go just talk.

Don't you feel that you ever lost your voice?

Yes, yes, it's like talk normal.

Stop doing the well.

People like to be sick because they get attention and they're just like just like they just kind of like.

They just like you don't clear their nose a little bit more and go like a little get like a little of a coughing fit, and you're like, I don't need to even finish this sentence, but they go like wait, wait and you go now, just abandon it. I can figure out where the bathroom is or whatever you were going to tell me. Yeah, people like to be sick. It feels good because you get attention. I don't know

Someone to trade out your drains on your facelift because you know I.

But still they need to do that because I want to look hotter.

That's not a good enough reason. So you'll be like, I got it, I'll do it myself.

Well, I will ask for help from my boyfriend, who will just stay quiet.

And be like, I just didn't need you to do this.

Really, Like I know that Chris, if I got a facelift, he wouldn't stop me from it, right because even this this summer, I was like, I need a facelift before to take my special I'm going to get an eye job, and he was like, well, where do you think you can fit that in? Like he wasn't like being like, he's not saying you don't need it, you're crazy.

He already believes that. I know he does, but he's just like.

Okay, well what months do you think you can take off work to get that done? And I'm thinking June, July, September. My dates are looking a little like Swift.

Uh oh yeah, it might.

Prevent me from going to see Taylor Swift. Is that what you're saying? Yes, yes, it might. Well I would go with drains and patches on my face, I just write thirteen on them or whatever or like some lyrics reputation.

Yeah, it would be my.

Listen, she reinvents herself every album. I is a faceliff, not reinventing yourself in the most yeah literal way. Yeah, I just uh, I don't want I don't want you hate pity.

Anya hates Pityah stand it.

More than anything, especially if it's online from can I just say besties, don't ever go up to Anya if she's complaining about something on the show and like at the merch booth at our shows.

Don't go like, hey, I'm really pulling.

For you, or like I don't think your teeth look bad at all, Like, don't offer any kind of thing that Anya. Anya may have been upset one day in the show about some thing, don't follow up on it and have any kind of like sympathy or like poor Anya that goes.

To any friend, stranger, family member. And I'm gonna say do for everyone.

Don't have friends and family members listening. That's why I said be not just me.

Do not pick up a conversation in the middle of something apropos of nothing like don't I have friends that do this where they'll be like, oh my god, crazy about that raccoon, and I'm like what and they'll be like Brian had the animal animal crazy. They'll just be like, dude, that possome insane and I don't pay you.

Back because I understand that people listen to the podcast like the way I watch TV shows where they're like tracking the things that happen, and it's just it stays insular into this thing. My things they associate with us are things that they hear on this podcast, whereas my life is everything outside of this podcast.

So I forget some of those things so.

You appreciate it.

I guess I don't miss so specific.

But if somebody is just like they give you something and as absolutely no track back for you to what they're talking about, and you're like, oh, no clue.

I have one girl and it's it stayed with me so like this and I talked about this on the pudcast before, you will give them something vulnerable and then they'll use it against you and not intentionally, like they'll try to like buddy up with like yeah, and I could tell you were really high that one time. When you like, I'll be like I told you I was

You would not have known.

You just thought I sucked. You don't need to be like you were so high or whatever. I bet John Mulaney's dealing with a lot of that now, of like during Yes Yes, where it's like, no, you didn't, you didn't you just thought maybe something was.

A little off.

But don't act like you are Betty Ford over here. You don't know when people are fucked up, like I do the same thing. Like where Taylor Smift she was broken up, and I go, I could have when I was in Arlington, I knew something was off.

I do the same thing. So I don't fault anyone.

But she seems like she loves that, like she would love if fans are trying to piece things together about her life.

I would guess she does not. I think she I think she cares that people care. She likes the people care. But I don't think she wants people to like she doesn't care for me, going like I need to go to her, I need to spend thirteen thousand dollars to beek eight feet from her in offer a face of like, I love you?

Why is your face covered in patches?

I hid to get this up problem. You're number one.

No people to me this weekend they go I had what was her name, Monique shout out to Monique, who was like, and by the way, you're the best, Nikki, You're the best. And I was like, oh my god, yeah, so that does a scream out of Taylor a couple of times.

You're the best, You're the best. I didn't see Taylor this weekend.

I was sad that I didn't because she was in Atlanta and she did three shows and I just I won, and her secret songs choices were I mean, if those songs, any of the songs she did for secret songs this weekend, would have been the one that was eight feet from me. Listen, I'm happy I got begin again. Great song. I've learned it on the guitar since I've become obsessed with it. It's a little like I was already into it, but she

I would have you. I wouldn't be here right now. I would have died.

I would have died died Drane's and My Face bo andurysm Dead. But Anya Marina's here in studio with us. If you can't tell that she's not via zoom. Brian is in Los Angeles. Brian Hello, Brian is.

In Los Angeles. No is in Arizona.

Anya's here in studio, she's She was with me all weekend, so we were in We were in airs actually this week intocs on Beautiful City on Thursday night.

Loved it.

Something so strange and magical.

Wow, really hacked desert.

Yeah, activities yeah, mm hmm.

It was gorgeous to be underwater and ago.

The air is like the same temperature as your oh, as your body.

Yeah, so you feel like you don't exist. Yeah, it's really cool. Yeah, you did say that.

As we were walking in to the show, the green room was like in a garage behind the venue, like you had to walk through a parking lot to get to the green room. Is separated. Never had that happen before. And we walked outside to go to the show, and Anya said, I love when it's the same temperature as your skin, and I was like, whoa, I don't exist like when it is, you kind of don't.

It's like a very meditative state.

I want to go to that place wherever it is. Is it the sultancy? I don't know where do you? Or is it in Jerusalem where you you see in the dead Sea.

The sultancy is way different?

Or San Diego or something, or like en route to San Diego. Okay, I'm Jerusalem, but where you just float because there's so much.

Salt in the water, right yeah, and it's like matches the same as your button.

Yeah, okay, but Nikki killed. We saw Noah in person. It was so cool.

It's fun to hang. Noah came to a photo shoot I had beforehand.

That was Oh yeah, tell us what happened? Tell us the results of the photo shoot. Why were you gasping at the newspaper?

Oh well, I didn't come up with the headline yet.

He's gonna send me all the pictures of the gasp and then I'm going to come up with the headline. But I was thinking I wanted to have did I tell you already that what I wanted. I wanted to say aging female comic finds a way to get naked, and not have it be about getting naked, like aging

Be like exhibitionist comedian Aging exhibitionist comedian finds a way to get naked.

Yeah, Like I just wanted to just call out exactly what I know it is and that anyone this is my whole life is like everything that I do. I'm so like, if it's cringe, I want to call it out and so before someone else can make fun of it.

But as I know that if I saw it, I'd go like, ooh, look at her.

Look at that girl trying to be hot and using this as like a way to be hot.

I don't think that a lot of people want to be nude. I wouldn't think that if I saw a picture of someone knudoo and be like, oh, this girl's dying to get naked, Yes.

You would, really what why else would she do it?

I don't know.

Because a guy pressured her into it like that. That doesn't I mean, that does happen, But like that happens with young girls who are hot and everyone wants to see their bodies. With women that are like pushing forty, we need an excuse to get hot, we need I think it's cool.

I don't think there's anything wrong about it.

Is to be celebrated. Do you think you're gonna get celebrated for it?

Now?

You just want to You're grasping onto this thing that's flying away from you every day and falling off your body. Every day you're grasping on like this. It might be the last day I'm hot or the last day I'm fuckable. And so it's just now the world look at me like this because I my whole life, since I was you know, twenty, I've been looked at like this, and now I'm losing it twenty years later. It's freaking me out. Please see me as this, don't forget me as this.

When when the photographer when he was taking your photos and you had all these outfit changes and you look stunning.

You just know how to work the camera.

I want to say, oh, I've gained fifteen pounds, so it was a rough day. But yes, I felt.

The same way. I was like, Wow, I wish I took like more photos, maybe even like professionally done photos when I was younger, because like now, there's a lot of like creases. And Avey took this photo of me with your mom's friend Kathy under like the worst stage ever.

I like almost wanted to chop my head off.

I know, dude, some of that stage lighting can be bo rute. Well, it's all about lighting. I mean, if you've seen any of the instagrams where girls go I love the girls that show this is me two seconds before and now this is me relaxed body with different lighting, different angle of the camera, and their butt looks so big, their tiny little waist, and then the camera angle changes, lighting changes, and they're enormal unlovable.

It's kidding, but am I I mean?

Or like to me, I would feel I feel unlovable when I look disgusting.

I mean, that's that's the thing. It's like you don't.

Your body doesn't work any less better when you look not hot, like you're still functioning human. The reason we want to stay hot is because we want love from others. And that's and people go, that's so sad. It's like, why is it sad? It's true. Hot people get more attention, they get more protection, people care about them, and thus you will be rescued in Like if there's people will care about you more. I just there's nothing wrong with wanting to stay hot. You just want people to love you.

It helps your career too, yeah.

Which which helps me get money, which helps me take care of the people I love. It all comes down to, like I want to be loved or me having a lot of money makes more people depend on me, equals there are still they'll stay around me and like me more and I won't be alone. Everything that I do to look hot, the pursuit of hotness, is not because I want Dix inside me, penetrating my body. I want so much common me. It's like I want people to like me, and is that such a crime?

Like I got really.

Upset about it this weekend because I did it documentary about Joan Rivers, or I was like offering my commentary about her, like just like it is a series called The Dark Side of Comedy, so it's talking about like all.

Of I don't know.

I watched her documentary the night before I shot it, and it's so good. It's for free on YouTube. It's called a Piece of Work.

It is so good.

I saw it twelve years ago, but it's so much more red in it now with me. But she was the first person to be open about her plastics. I don't want to say the first person, but like one of the first celebrities to be very open about having facelifts and everything, whereas they everyone else lies. And so she got the brunt of all the jokes of like because and she fucked up her face. It's like all she wanted was to be pretty and to have people think she's pretty. Not because she wanted to be pretty,

Women and children first, women and children. I'm serious.

The world is filled with trolls and whenphiles and pedophiles and when you when you do something like that to yourself, it is vulnerability, and the trolls latch onto that. It's just an opportunity for them to attack you when they wanted to attack you, no matter what you did.

Yes, because then have it done. This is the this is what happens with plastic surgery. If you don't have it done, you look old and you kind of get less attention and less work. Right, if you do have it done, you also get less work because you look freakish and no one wants to put that in a movie, and you get judged for being so desperate. It's so it's a pick me kind of thing, like you're needy, so you can't really win either way, and people, I just am so tired of this. What did she do

Yeah, they're like, it should be nicer health.

Yes, I have a short fire way to make you look more attractive that you can do at home for free.

Okay, okay, oh what is this?

No, I have it. No, it's not a joke. I have a new thing.

What is it. We'll find out right after the break after this. I can't wait to find out. I think you're trolling us. We'll find out. All right, we're back.

Brian Frangie has a surefire thing you can do it at home for free.

Did you say it's absolutely free and you can do it.

And make yourself more attractive? Does it involve pancakes? Does it evolve like a chair sit up or something like a chair push up?

No? Oh, I know it's hanging upside down.

Hanging yourself, your pupil drained from your body and you will be elves later.

It involves your tongue.

Is it mewing? I've been talking about it is? It's mewing?

Yeah.

The girls chat once where you go like mew no, no, no, you know that you like your chin comes out more, and then you like cut down, don't make that noise?

What are you talking about?

Important makes me sick.

If you look at a diagram of one mewing, it's one of the grossest thing you've ever seen in your life.

My time, I'm going to pull you.

Okay, I would prefer that then continuing this mewing conversation.

Okay, wait, what is it?

Brian?

Will you demonstrating?

Is all about your tongue position. Here's here's a question for you. Where normally where is your tongue in your mouth?

Nikkah?

So where in your mouth is your tongue?

Well, this is interesting because I take voice lessons, and the tongue is the very most important thing in your voice control, and your your tongue is supposed to to be relaxed and just tucked into bed, just like in your mouth, just like not really moving and like just.

Relax, wear in your mouth, on the bottom of your mouth.

Just like nestled in its bed in like in like in your teeth like you know, like like the teeth is like a bed and your tongue is like in that bed.

That is like the teeth is like the bed frame.

That is the wrong place for your tongue.

To be hot. Okay, where should.

Be if you want to be hot your tongue. If you want to be hot and you don't want to clench at night, you don't want to grind at night, your tongue needs to be on the roof of your mouth.

Yep, I just felt my whole neck go up.

I felt to go down.

Look, hold on, look relax and yeah, okay, now I can see your profile rest in the bed. Put your tongue in the bed. Okay, now put the tongue on the soft palate, on the top of your mouth or whatever the fuck You just got a mini really yeah, it's.

Not even just instantaneous science.

Put it on the bed. Put it into bed. Now, put it on the top. WHOA, why does that do that? God?

Is it amazing?

You?

Wait? So you should always do that in photo shoot.

The proper the proper tongue position is you make a it's almost like suction to the roof of your mouth, and you cluck like a chicken, like like that, like that clacking noise. If you you want your tongue to be flat against the roof of your mouth, uh up. Your tongue should not be touching your teeth. It should be before your teeth, all the way flat even the.

Back singing ever, Yeah, okay, and.

That's where it should be twenty four to seven. And if you do it's hard.

You're supposed to breathe.

If you breathe through your nose. If you breath through your mouth, your chin will sag.

And yeah, breathing. That's why you're supposed to tape your mouth at night.

Yes, so you breathe through your nose, you keep your tongue up high. And they've scientifically proven that over the course of time, especially if you're especially if you're a teenager, your your face structure, your chin will be more defined and your face will get pushed out and you will be one more attractive.

And it's completely free.

And if you just pay fourteen ninety nine a month for my system, I can teach it to you.

At home.

Okay, this is blowing my mind, but I just know I'm never going to do this. This is almost like posture, you know, like I think I can't keep.

It in check.

And there's all these like things you can buy where you have a little censor on the back of you're in It beeps if you need to sit up more straight.

But remember when Nikki had done Dancing with the Stars, had just finished it or maybe was no.

I was doing the Alexander technique. That was not Dancing with the Stars related. Yes it what No, it wasn't. Alexander technique was when I was sitting straight up.

No, no, no, you don't even know what I'm gonna say.

I kind of do. Okay, no you don't.

We're walking down the street in New York City and she was like glad, but taught me how to walk.

Like, oh yeah, I know how to do that. Put your feet first, point your toes first.

So she was walking down the street and I was like, this is hard.

I tried to do it for ten It's impossible. Sometimes, I yeah, I remember. Alexander technique was the same way.

I can show you if you want.

Yeah, he was doing just yeah, he got so mad at me. It's well, that looks stupid. It looks like you're on a tight one.

You look like a Nazi. That's like a Nazi. You look like you're goose stepping.

Yeah, well you don't have to point it so, but yeah, if you just glide and you land with your the ball of your foot first, it looks way sexier.

Also, the number one thing is to my hips are.

Always like out like forward, that's for sure. Oh they're fucking fibbing all day. Mine go out and I kind of like bend like a banana, like a forward banana.

When I say it, Oh, same, that's like the arched back thing. But I like this right, if you stick your buns out.

And you are like a centaur, you look so hot. There's there's all these tricks.

And you do that thing where you're thinking, like that girl from the Bacher are at the Bachelor that you do you mean that thing where you just keep turning your head.

Oh yeah, yeah, you tilt your head.

Can you imagine.

Stand walk on the heels of her feet or the end the thing at the same time so she's mewing.

Oh.

My new thing is like girls in bikinis on Instagram. Always have to like fuck with the straps and they always have to like whenever they're doing anything, they always have to like adjust. It's like put the bikini off and just wear it. We always want to see them go like this the straps. They have to go like like this on the bottom and they're like kind of readjusting. It's like, you know, all about it wearing this all day?

What do you mean the same as what you talk about with like the little thing on the lip.

Yeswear their lip just move.

It's like they're boomerangs, you know, like it'll repeat over and over and it's just then like kind of taking it off and it's like it's i know.

Being a sexual thing. It's like the thing on the end.

They just want people to love them.

And this just works better than just standing still and not adjusting your swimsuit because I guess the adjusting makes you feel like they're taking it off in some way.

And also it's movement tracks the eye. You know, you gotta keep everything moving.

Well, Brian, I just want to say you this weekend went, you hung, you were with you seen my boyfriend more than I have this weekend. That's right, he was in La. I forgot that even went there. All of a sudden, He's in l A And I'm like, oh hot, I didn't cool. We're close by kind of because I was in Nevada. But you went to a Laker game with them? No?

No, No, Dodger game last night.

Yeah, Dodgers, Cardinals, the Dodgers, the Saint Louis Cardinals.

They happened to be tired, was my boyfriend?

He didn't seem very tired. Did he say he was tired?

Yeah, Well, I just don't want oh, I.

Don't want to blow up his spide.

If he was, I'm glad he wasn't tired.

If he told you he said, your boy is tirer, yeah, it's a lot of ours.

Well, you know, I think he was.

Just you know, you weren't able to ratchet it up. I think at any time. And if if the circumstances.

Right, Yeah, did you have fun? What do you guys do? Tell me all the scoop? Did you talk about me?

What happened?

He said, we pretty much talked about you exclusively.

He did say that you talked about me with his friend Nick too. End of the night, he was like, they love my girl, and it makes me. They they really appro like he loves when people approve of me to him, which I don't hate either.

Yeah, but I apparently I got some approval.

Yeah you were.

He asked for your my hand in marriage from you guys.

Brian has to give the green light, he asked.

He asked, like, what's the best way to propose to someone that you are?

And Brian's like, put your tongue on the roof of your mouth, wait two more years until she feels ready.

Yeah.

It's like everyone always thinks I'm just waiting around and like, why hasn't he proposed yet?

In it's me, Hi, I'm not ready, it's me, I'm ready.

Well, you know how in baseball they change the rules this year where you're only allowed to have twenty seconds or fifteen seconds in between each pitch, so the pitch happens quicker.

I see, the games are not so the games aren't so long.

I suggested that for the proposal, I said, maybe you should put a time.

Oh, that would be great. I don't want him to do it at a big thing. I don't want it to be a big spectacle. I just and he'd better tell me beforehand. I think most people when they get married, they have a talk like you'll say yes, right, like we're already living together. This is like we've talked about getting married. We like know it's in the air. No one just like springs it on people. And he would

Up, you know what I mean.

I didn't have a heads up.

But I guess.

You knew you were living together for years at that point.

That wasn't Matt k new like from day one that that's what I wanted.

What Matt knew from day one, that's.

That's what you wanted to marry him. Even before you guys were together, he would have married him. So yeah, yeah, it's.

You don't want to be surprised. You wouldn't want to be surprised.

No, I wanted to be I would like it to happen when I I don't see it coming, but I don't want it to happen where it's like we haven't talked about, like I don't want a glimmer of a thing of like Babe, I don't think I'm ready yet. Like if he did it today, I'd go, I'd say yes for the people watching because I didn't wouldn't want to embarrass him, but I'd go, Babe, this is gonna be a long engagement, like we gotta we gotta pass through some hoops before.

I mean, he would never do it right now.

He's not an idiot, Like we're both not we haven't we I just would want to both be on the same page as like, yes, let's get married. I'm ready to be engaged, and then you can take the year to decide when to do it. I'm not gonna be like waiting around, but yeah, I wanted to be special.

He'll do something. R you don't want something in public?

Like no, at that point, I wouldn't mind something in public because we want to trot. I wouldn't mind that if he knows that I'm game, you know, and but he did if he knows I'm gay, then lock it down because it'll be hard order for me to ever pursue those interests if I have a right on my banker. Yeah, so you had a good time.

There was a will you marry me?

On the JumboTron at the Dodgers game, But it was so fast there's no I got to assume it was a joke, like someone said, oh, I'll do it as a joke. So my friends heyes, will you marry me? And then like ha ha, But then is it really a joke? Are you trying to right? But it went up so fast there was no reaction to it. I can't imagine the person even saw it. Can you imagine you set up but will you marry me?

On the JumboTron?

And then the person doesn't see it, like they'd go to the bathroom and then it's up there.

I think that's a great story. I would rather that than have it all go right. I always want to get on the kiss cam. Oh I'm dying. I always gonna casually when I'm at games, like the kiss cam's up and I'm kind of just like trying to Like Chris is on the like maybe talking to me or someone next to me is talking to me, but I'm like dead focus, like I'm ready for the kiss cam in the case it happens like.

We were applying left gluss.

Yeah, like, or if there's like a cam where it's like dancing where you're like doing the twin, I'm like doing the twists like kind of like a little bit just to let the camera op know, Like, hey, that girl would be game if we.

Put it on her. Yeah. Like, I'm always looking to get on to perform in some way.

Are you incognito at those events or are you like I'm out, I'm.

Not, I'm out.

I'm like to be I like, I gut. I like getting recognized. We had happened once at Taylor Swift both concerts. I only got recognized once at each time, which is perfectly fine.

That's wild to me because you're so recognizable and tall too, and well like I saw Nikki get recond. We were walking through a restaurant and we went to dinner with David Spade in Vegas, and I saw at least one family completely lead like.

But I think there were more people, say at least two, But you go at least one restaurant.

Walking through a restaurant, we see a cute blonde girl who's probably I would say, like twenty nine thirty right there, and you just see her eyes bug out and then she looks at her whole family and I see it in slow motion.

She goes, that's sicky Glazer and I just all turned around. It was so cute.

She was just completely freaked out and so starstruck.

I was cute.

Oh that's nice. Yeah, it happened, like I feel. It happens sometimes, but I just don't don't. I don't want to ruin it for them by seeing them, so I try to like not but.

You're not like a sunglasses hat type of girl at those events.

No, Sometimes well, walking around the casino. This weekend, I was in Vegas with Spade at the Venetian. Thank you to all the besties who came out, and also to all the besties that came out to the Tucson shows. I don't want to be my poster is everywhere. I don't want to be recognized in that circumstance because I look so shitty, and I don't want them to say something mean about the show they saw maybe last night.

Glad I didn't bring the kids.

So that's what I'll wear a baseball cap with the sunglasses is to just not deal with that. Or I wear baseball capt sunglasses to not talk to anyone, not because I'm Nikki Glazer comedian, but like, I don't want anyone talking to me, right, and it really shuts you off to the world.

And it's yeah, it's just but if.

You're out at a Lakers game or something.

No, I would never I would want to be recognized there because it's never going to be overwhelming for me. I'm not that famous. It's always going to be a treat. But I don't want to be recognized. If you've seen my show that night before and you're a person in a bikini, have you guys.

Someone talking about your show right after you, yes, play like in a bathroom or something.

Yes, And I told the girl, I go, stop talking, stop talking. We walk among you.

Yeah, I was in the stall next tour and I just go and she was horrified, as I would be too, but she felt really bad and it's okay, like I can suck sometimes.

And her name was Grace.

Wait oh yeah the headphones, No, it's yeah, that's definitting. I literally when I walk out of When I used to do clubs and you would have to go to the bathroom and the crowd would be in there. I'd go in the bathroom, I'd plug my ears and I'd go no.

No, no, no, yeah, same, no no, no, Like I can't even hear you.

I always would be talking about the opening act and I'd be like, please don't.

I just don't want to hear it.

Disclosure isn't going no, no, no, no no, because they'll do it. They will, And if you're walking on somewhere, they'll rank. If you're over on a show with a bunch of people and you're all like the same level of fame, they'll have to say who they liked better.

And as you get all that information.

Being the opener, you can go into the bathroom and do like recon because then you hear I hear people talk about like the headliner, and then I get I know what the what the feel of the crat, what the pulse.

Is, oh, oh, pre show anytime. I never want you opening for me.

I don't want to get in that recon Jesus Christ brand.

You don't tell me anything that you hear.

Yeah, the amount of times that you hear as an opener you were better than the headliner is if you're a listener and you ever think the opener is better than the headliner, Sometimes they are, but it's because you so way. There was no bar for the There was no bar at all. You have no expectations for the opener, so they can only exceed your expectations. If anything, you think they're gonna suck openers, So there you're of course they're gonna be more funny than you think they are.

Not knowing all of the things.

It's weird, like at the cellar where there's a lineup of six or seven people.

That's what you can pit us against each other.

Oh yeah, you can't because we're like fifty's doing fifteen minutes, unless someone is like working on a fallon set or something, or like looking at their notes, And that's just a cop out. If a comedian ever says I'm doing new stuff or looks at their notes, they're trying to mitigate again you thinking they suck, and so now they have an excuse for why they suck. Anytime a joke doesn't go well for me and it's a new joke, I always go, that's a new joke, and then it buys

Yeah. You can do that with music too. Yeah, yeah, one, I.

Still don't the chorus, yes, yes, yeah, so yeah. But at the seller, you always are going to get ranked, and that's another place I go.

No.

Yeah, they like to do it sometimes in front of other people, like you were the best of all of you guys.

It's like, don't say it in.

Front of the other comics.

People's just start. I guess people don't.

Maybe they wouldn't care themselves if that happened to them. Like do people not get insecure and want to be the best all the time or is that just ah?

I think they care. I think they they would care. I think they're just excited. They're excited to say you were awesome. It's the same thing when the thing you hate where people tell you when someone said something negative to be to like ingratiate themselves with you. I feel like, ye them like you were the best one. By the way, you know, they're like almost whispering.

Said it's Chris rock Ones, you were the best.

But I said it when I knew no one else could hear and I knew. And by the way, if I'm the best, fucking tell me I'm the best. I want to hear it so much. But don't say that you're the best to someone who's next to me and I can hear it. And I don't even want you to like whisper something to them because I know what you're whispering to them. Yeah, in my you could be whispering, hey, your shoes untied, but I will think you're saying you were the best.

The she sucked. It's just like incredible insecurity.

Don't don't compliment someone I'm with and be like, oh, when I saw you, I was like, you looked incredible. I'm like, I'm right.

Here, yavastating. My whole life is just don't.

I mean, it happens to me all the time where people get complimented for being hot around me, and it's just And that's why I dress like shit, I think I'm not even joking you. I just uncover this. I don't like trying during the day to look cue. I either try one hundred percent to look cute or zero percent because I want to mitigate again using that word against people not thinking I'm hot, because then I chose it. It's a new song I'm working on, so this is

Also, we're living in a time where everyone's allowed to well women especially are allowed to dress ugly. It's kind of encouraged, like ugly jeans, ugly, big fat at Double X. I've never sold so many Double XL shirts in the merchmooth as.

Yeah, because they're like dresses. Yeah, everybody's just buying.

A walk around like they're at a sleepover party.

Yeah they do. Yeah, it's really.

I mean, I was watching like clips of esther recently. I'm like, she is so fucking cute and she's just wearing like big T shirts and big jeans. Yeah, and she looks seven years old, and I'm like, that's hot.

No, she's because that's what style is.

Yeah, it's stylish, it's not it's Billie Eilish stylish.

Can I say the first time that I ever did stand up at a club, people were so upset that they wrote letters.

Yeah, the dearest Gerard. They wrote letters club saying hey to comedy.

Yes. I was hosting my first ever hosting at the Comedy Attic. It was for Michael Winslow from Police Academy Movies does the sound Effects. He was the first weekend there, right, first weekend ever. I was the first comic to ever step on that stage.

That stage, Oh my god.

And I hosted it, and I was.

I was so bad that people people in the audience wrote letters saying how upset they were and how they should that I should never Do.

You remember any of the jokes that like caused this, Why you so bad?

A suit? You're wearing a suit?

I was wearing a suit and I went by Brian m Franngie because I thought the middle initial. I thought, I thought, you know what, people might not remember my name, but they'll remember that I had a middle initial.

Oh that's so cute and stupid.

And I had my suit and I was and I would talk like.

Your suit, like because you think, like you gotta have a thing, you know, like, you don't know who you are when you first start comedy. You're grasping at any kind of sort of identity and thing that will direct you in some way of what because you can talk when you can talk about anything.

And you don't even know who you like, you're so young. You were what in it?

Nineteen yeah, I don't know, nineteen probably, yeah, nineteen twenty.

I nailed it.

Yeah, yeah, you're wearing a suit. Like, It's just what were your jokes do you have? You had?

Okay, sure there was one or two.

That were Okay, I'm ashamed. I'm very ashamed.

I mean, you got to keep in mind, this was like, what year was this, You know, this was a different time in comedy.

But I did some.

Jokes that I w I would be very ashamed to repeat now. One of them, oh for sure. One of them was probably anti fat people. Yes, and I think that was one of the letters I got was there was an obese person in the audience who said that I offended them, right.

And then you know I had this joke.

This is so it must be terrorist to a club as an obese person. You know, there's gonna be fat jokes in a night of comedy.

Especially in the early adds.

Yes, yes, now I think we're a little bit more sensitive to that, but even now they still happen. It's just gotta be real, like they're on TV constantly. Same with Asian men with small penis, like small penis jokes like I would never go to a club, a comedy club if I was an Asian man, because if I'm on a date, because I know someone's gonna make a small penis Asian.

Could just sit in the back, though.

No, because you're with a date and she's hearing that. And not that there's anything wrong with having a small penis. I don't think there is, but it's just like it's so hack and you just know you're gonna hear it the way that I didn't want to watch SNL as a kid because I knew that they might make a joke about Sanna not being real, and I didn't want my sister to find out. I would never watch SNL because I knew what where you're going to get into. Oh, like, okay,

You had a had a joke about how you get canceled.

Now the whole thing I would be canceled every single joke.

Would I be carrying me to me?

My jokes used to be littered with things that you profane speech that you cannot use now. Yes, but we could say back then that's the thing, like cancel culture. I wouldn't have said it if it meant what it means now. I didn't know so.

Easy pervasive in the culture.

I wasn't someone who was trying to like make people to like I wasn't doing hate speech that wasn't like my what I was trying to do. But looking at it now, it looks like it would have been because I used some words that you just cannot use now.

I had a song that I had songs, So Jim Swift.

Has a song about getting revenge on a guy by telling all his friends, telling all my friends, you're gay.

It's a lyric.

Yeah, and then she slept shames a girl in another song, and like there's that was a different it was a different.

Time, and I know that's like a song that you know that she's only she only made two missteps.

Out of like her four hundred songs.

Yeah, up until, like I would say, as late as twenty fifteen, rape was a punchline. Like there's like a college humor video from like twenty fifteen where.

They literally closed with the word rape the other night, not close, it was in the last it was the final sentence. I said, I forgot what I said, blank raped me. Well, thank you, good night. It's me oh oh oh yeah.

Yeah.

Well that's actually not in the same spirit as what it used to be in twenty fifteen. Like there's I remember watching this college humor video in twenty twenty or something that was from twenty fifteen, and the last line in the video was like, let's go rape that person, and that was it's like, yeah, five million view video. No one scoffed at it at the time, but back then that was like a legitimate punchline.

Oh yeah, I mean there.

I got some like old footage of myself and I just sent it to because they wanted to sprinkle old footage of me throughout or just in one part of Welcome Home Nikkei Glazer, my reality show that aired one season last year. They wanted and so I and I didn't want to watch it. It was from two thousand and four, right five, Oh these open mics, and so I just sent like hours of material that this one guy found because he used to tape every open mic at the Stanford and Son's Comedy Club.

And they the next day were.

Like, you don't want that to get out, like you should not be sending that willy nilly, and I was like what and they were like, there was some like they told me some of the words I used it. I was like, oh, like so embarrassed. I would never have sent that to them thinking that I would ever have a joke with that word in it.

And then I told me the joke, and I was like, oh, yeah, I def use that word.

Because first of all, I was using the word because it's an insane word to use the R word. No, I'm using that now, that's back in my act I have, I'm gonna get, I'm I'm begging to be canceled. But I also, like, can stand by any now, I'm so aware of it if I choose to use the R word. It's about the R word. I'm not talking about that thing. I'm not making fun of what we used to refer to people as that word. I'm talking about why the

I was being slightly ironic.

But I also would never use that word now in a million you couldn't right now even thinking it in my head, It's not the N word. Please don't think it's the N word. I was never that stupid, thank god. But that was a word that white comics were dropping to be edgy, right, and not to offend or like because they and it's like, how could you not know that would offend people? Because everyone around us it's just like it was. I don't I'm not making excuses. I mean I am making excuses.

I I can.

But here's the difference between me and most of woke America. And I hate using that word because I do think being woke is good. Like you're waking up to like sensitivities of people. It's not the worst thing, but it's like accept an apology everyone. If someone can look back at something they did and be horrified, that's enough for me, right. I've always said, if Trump one day wakes up and goes, oh my god, I'm so fucking embarrassed.

What did I do?

I inspired that insurrection. I had so many words of hate that uh like divided this. If he was just all of a sudden had an awakening, I would forgive everything and I am. I'm not joking. I'm everything because we're allowed to. His brain is fucked.

Up in a way that mine is not.

Like if he suddenly hits his head and realizes.

Like, what the fuck was I doing? But I'm seeing but there is.

A way so impossible.

I literally could get a concussion or some kind of brain thing, because whatever he.

I disagree with.

Anyone who has that kind of like, you know, that kind of mentality, to me, has something wrong with their brain. And I have empathy for that of Like if I was born with that brain with those parents in that town and went to school at the same place as I would be just as racist as them. So they can't really help it. This is all my thing of no free will, But I just would forgive anyone that is sorry. But then, and I've said this before, so

People go.

She just wants her showback. She just wants she just wants to be famous again. She wants everyone to like her again. That's the only reason she's saying that. It's like, can it be both? Can't I want my career back that was taken from me for this used word I used twenty years ago? And can I also be sorry? Why can't it be both? Why is it so bad to want things back that you lost. Why why is that so bad to want your career back? But we all go she's just apologizing because they want it back.

Do you see a difference.

Yeah, But I think now no one believes any apology because everyone thinks they're trying to get something back.

It's like, of course they are. Why are we this way?

Because we're supposed to be so I'm not Christian, but we're supposed to be forgiving, and.

Because we love seeing people get canceled. I love it.

I love it as someone who doesn't like when people are too famous and too popular because I want to be popular.

A deep part of me loves.

It's an that's.

Probably it, you know, if we like picked it apart enough, it's probably Yeah, there's one less person that's getting attention to.

Joke.

Yes, it's like the John Benete joke Come see me live.

It's and now you can start a cult with a bunch of women living in a house that have a tattoo of your name.

Yeah, Like Crystal Lea getting canceled is not like me being like, oh, I'm so like he's going to free up more space for me to have what he have has. It's just like, yeah, there's no there's no question that people like to see people get canceled, and it's a sick part of our own egos.

I like, yeah, we like retribution. We do like someone who's been doing something truly egregious to be punished.

Yeah, but we should. I apologize.

I've gone to therapy, I'm in help, I'm in treatment. I have made I have righted wrongs.

Do you accept that? Yeah? I accepted.

When Crystalia came out with his apologication, I thought it was sincere and I still to this day think it was sincere. Like I think he was probably has a sex addiction, was going to talk to someone about it, was trying to stay on the course.

But then I need to hear you.

Now we've got some updated information that you tried to get girls to tattoo themselves and all live into a house where they would fuck you and feed you at the same time.

I know this. I need you to talk about that.

I don't know about the timeline though, I think like during the recording of that apology.

No, but I believe the apology and it was enough for me because it was He's like one second showing an exit. He was, That's what it comes out like. During that apology, he was still fooling around. I get when.

You like, you can go to Whole foods now go, you're allowed to leave, you can get off your knees and stop relating the air thinking that it's me because I've wanted you to always be pleasing me even when I'm not there.

No, I can I would accept. I don't need I know, first of all, well, he doesn't need apologize to me. I'm not offended and nothing about I'm not like I can't enjoy his comedy anymore.

I never was. No, I actually what I did, I do.

I still do his eminem stuff and he is funny, there's no question about it, and I can still there's you know why I can still enjoy Crystalalia because no part of his act said to me he was a good person. I never needed to believe he was an honest telling me the true person his comedy isn't about honesty and like telling me who he is. Yes, Bill Cosby, Luis c K. I go to you for honesty. So when I find out you're not being honest and you're having these shady things, it's my choice to not really

Really going on. You were a truth.

Not that I'm entitled to that, but you you tended to share, overshare all of these things. I thought you, you know, jerking off in your child's room or whatever you shared was like the depths of what you do. That's weird, which I should have assumed, Oh there's more below that. Well.

Cosby was like also a wholesome family man. That's like when a priest does.

There was no honesty from him. You could see that he was hiding stuff.

But it's just the comics that I I can still enjoy Michael Jackson's music because for me to bop along to Thriller does not need I never in Thriller was like I need to believe he's not licking little boys asshole. Enjoy this, it's not a part of it. For me, however, to enjoy Luis K, I do need to believe he's telling me the whole truth.

Yea, so it's part of it, and that's just Chris Brown.

I can't enjoy it because he's singing about love and he also did these horrible things. It's not say that I couldn't enjoy Chris Brown's paintings, because that for me doesn't mean I don't need to believe he doesn't beat women to enjoy his paintings, but for his love songs, I do need to.

So it's just each person needs to.

I don't mind if you enjoy Chris Brown's music for you, it doesn't matter that he beat someone. It's fine. You can still enjoy it. You can't help what you can still enjoy or still not enjoy it.

The exact opposite.

For me, when I used to listen to Michael Jackson's music, my first thought was I just just not looking little boys assholes?

Does that make.

Sense though, that, like Michael Jackson's music for me was never wrapped up in him not molesting children.

Not that I was like, you know, this would be fine.

Each of these people has created a brand and an image that you signed up for, and then there is a cognitive dissonance between that and this new truth it's revealed.

Yes, I wouldn't mind if someone found out something about me and they couldn't listen to me anymore. If it was if they found out something about me that was so antithetical to what they enjoyed about me in the first place, it makes sense that they wouldn't listen to me.

Does that make sense?

It fits with my brand to have said a joke about fat people in two thousand and seven, I was a person that hated my body still am I My brain wasn't fully developed, I was an addict. Like, it all makes sense. I'm not making excuses. I'm horrified by it. I'm righting my wrongs and don't want to do that anymore.

And also empathizing with how you hurt people, like how did it affect people?

Yeah?

I think that all of that, and if you get cheated on or something like if so I got cheated on, apologize to me for it, Acknowledge how much I hurt, why you did it, and what are the actions you're gonna take to not ever do that to me again?

Can you tell we watched six hours of couples Therapy.

On showt Ye'll get say that after this, right after this, and we're back.

Yeah. So Anya came with.

Me this weekend to Vegas with Spade.

So it was so fun. It was so fun, so fun, Like I'm still I haven't cry laughed in a long time, but I did over the weekend many times. And then weirdly I had this thing like where when the weekend was over, I felt like crying all the time. And

Oh, he totally helps. So it was like, what's what's going on over here? Texting Like Anya would be like we would be talking about the sound the night before, like the sound was a little loud, the spotlight was a little bright. Anya's on the phone like already like texting people like we need to adjust it.

And he's like, what's going on over here? What do you do?

In fingers and like it's so Audie's fixing thing, And I could tell that he was even like she's kind of nice to have around.

She's taking care of I can't die for us.

It's like two incredibly talented, famous celebrities who are the funniest people in the world, like, can't get a diet.

Coke to save their lives. God, it was so funny, funny.

So in the casino at the Venetian, it's like pepsi all day long, everywhere, and die pepsi is disgusting. It's not even in It's not an alternative to diet coke. It's an alternative to diarrhea. Like if you were like, do you want to drink diarrhea or diapepsy? You go, okay, yeah, that's those are in the same ballpark. I would rather have diapepsy. But diapepsy in lieu of diet coke doesn't

I just like it with my dinner.

I knew we got to the place early to have dinner and I before Spade got there, and I was like, this is not gonna be good.

But waits the server's like, what would you like to drink? And she's like diet coke and she goes, oh, we only have diapepsy and think he goes, are you fucking serious?

She was already she had a fun rapport with this. I wasn't really gross. And then Spade.

Said the same, the same thing, and then so Spade the second night, so we Spade actually the first night was like so kind of bummed out about the diet coke that his opener. My friend Bobby Viamoto, who I've been friends with for years and he's open for Spade for years and years, he was like, you want me.

To go get you a diet coke? Like you gotta talk.

He had a stroke, and so yeah, he kind of talks, and he like he has always kind of talked like a robot. He's like, do you want me to go get you a diet coke? And Spade's like, I'll buy dinner.

If you go get dico even though he's already gonna buy dinner. We all knew it. So then Bobby goes to Walgreens to get diet cokes.

Which is like an a trek because you get lost in the Venetian you get lost, yeat side. It's eighty five degrees, you can anywhere in Vegas is a nightmare. But then the next night we go to dinner same you know, not same place, but in the same complex, and again no diet coke.

And we should have been prepared, but we weren't.

So then Spade and this time gives one hundred dollars bill to our waiter and goes go find some diet cokes anywhere you can.

We need them. And the waiter's like, okay.

So the waiter change out, changes out of his outfit to go onto the strip to go find die cokes. He can't find any any any of them anywhere. He brings thee hundred dollars back. Spade then has friends that are going to meet us later, come early to bring diet cokes.

They say, And meanwhile, inside, I'm dying because I have already arranged for there to be four cans of diet coke in their green rooms because I learned from the night.

Before, what a fucking disaster. Let's get this place set up. Yeah, So the real disasters that you didn't have those earlier.

Fuck you, Like it was a five minute walk and I'm just sitting there, going, I can't believe the waiter has like gone sprinting for diet coke when I could just leave this place, go backstage.

We need you there.

I know I had to be there for entertainment and.

Yeah, be to laugh, yes, and for beauty. Yes. But we laughed so much.

The stories, the Instagram stories you share with your head.

You can't every single picture, you know, the class and we laugh a lot, like Rachel Feinstein gets me to do the Pez Deve Spenser laugh Bob.

Saga the dentist, I literally because the.

Chairs were kind of of like reclining, so when I in fact, it really did look like it was at the dentist.

Yeah, it was just so many, so many laughs, and.

It was so naturally funny. And those two together are so funny because.

I don't say anything funny around him.

Literally, if you have you ever been around someone who's so funny that you just don't even try, like you don't need to.

It's like, what's the point.

It'd be like shouting at a movie that is funny, you know, like it doesn't. No one needs this from me to like tag a movie that you're watching.

So it was just me. I just get to laugh all weekend. But it was cute and also slip.

Into a horrible depression because I'll never be as funny as Oh yeah, I mean that's what happened to me the first night after I had a rough set.

The first night, I really did enjoy my set because my manager was there.

It's everyone's all the people that run the Venetian are backstage, and like, you know, it's a big night of like this is opening night of their residency, and like it just and I wasn't even nervous. It's so weird, Like beforehand, I wasn't feeling nervous walking on a stage, not nervous. And then I get out there and I'm like, why is my Why are the words coming out of my mouth in a weird way? I'm using words I've never used before. I'm delivering these jokes in a way I've

I'm a fraud. Everyone knows it.

And no one was telling the opener they were better than the headliner that night. And it's embarrassing because you have to like hang out with everyone afterwards. Oh it's fine when you've had a bad set and no one knew I had a bed set. Everyone would have been like, yeah, Spade was funnier, but she was fine, Like no would have noticed.

But thank god we had a.

Second night, because yes, I got off stage on the second night and everyone was like that was like, I'm like, That's what I'm capable of. Like even Spade was like, you didn't like last night, and I'm like that was a C minus for me. I really maybe a D in terms of what I'm capable of. I've done a's before.

That was a bizar.

How you cannot. I cannot figure out the alchemy of a great show. And I've played thousands of shows in my life, and I cannot figure out what make how to make the magic well.

To me, it's clear. I mean one show you had a diet coke and the other one you did it.

Oh my god.

And our sponsor no, you know. The first show, I will say, we ate dinner before the show. I don't like stuff stuffed ourselves. And I was wearing a and I all my clothes don't fit right now. I'm like, I've gained some weight and so nothing feels comfortable. And I'm having like my stylist in Saint Louis, she is helping me get clothing from like comees that they ship to me and I wear them, and they're just loaners.

You can just buy a size.

But I don't want to buy these clothes that. I don't want to spend eight hundred dollars on a dress that I'm gonna wear one time. And why wouldn't you wear it more, Nikki? Because once you get a picture of it, you post on Instagram, it's doesn't it The likes depreciate after that, Nikki, Why do you even care about that? Because I'm trying to build a career because I want people to love me, because I want to survive the apocalypse when everyone starts to freak out, I

That's why everyone, that's why really fun.

That's why I need to fit into these two sizes too clothes. I mean, it's just so I was fitting into the size two thing that is also a big size toue, but it was not big enough because it was like cutting off my I couldn't zip it all the way.

So I'm wearing something that's making me feel fat.

And also it had a blazer with it, and whenever I'm wearing a blazer, I just feel less feminine and I feel like just I'm already feeling chunky and not and it's this these these little shorts are.

Riding up my ass.

I'm wearing a thong, so I'm in deep discomfort right and I'm I just ate. So there's like and I'm bloated, and I just was like, oh, and my hair looked frizzy, like I just couldn't.

I didn't feel good.

And then I see Spade in like comfortable shoes and jeans and like a cool hat, which, by the way, I'm wearing a hat right now, that Spade hat at dinner the other night and I was like, I want that hat, and he was like, write to them, they'll tun to do. So, thank you to Kook's Supply for sending me this endless bummer hat.

But but yeah, I just, uh, it's a size two.

You don't have to be a size two to fit in to the clothing that men's companies send you. But it was just that, Yeah, that's that's what makes a bad show. I want to be comfortable. Well, the Nikki, stop wearing heels and dresses. Part of my comfort is looking hot.

You can be comfortable and still wearing heels and dresses.

I feel you.

It's like it's all about like I have a dress that is so deeply uncomfortable. It's a sequence and it looks comfortable, but I can't wear it because I'll have a terrible show. The whole time is digging into my skin, and I'm just like, I.

Just don't like to feel sad.

Yeah, I don't like to It's and I know people are gonna respond to this and go, that's fat phobic.

You're you can't You're not fat. Why would you say that?

Don't write letters, please, But like, I just it's a feeling I can't help. I wish I didn't feel that way. I don't want to be this kind of woman that has says things like this, Believe me, I'm trying, but it just was a rough weekend in that respect.

And that's one of.

Brian Cranston's acting tips is he says, just don't eat before you film, because yeah, it's not.

Just you feel fat and you get a little tired.

Your body's operating on it.

Yeah, you get tired exactly because you Does anyone realize that whenever you eat you get cold afterwards, Yeah, because your body, all your energy is going to your digestive tract to like operate, so you get cold everywhere else. I always get cold after I eat because I'm tired. But it just sucks when you are feeling a little too big for your clothes because there's nothing for me to do. There's nothing for me to change because I

I'm sorry. Working out is making me fat. It is.

I've been working out constantly lately, and I'm not even doing it to be skinny. I'm working out so I feel strong, so I feel confident, So I like burn off some of my thoughts. But it's making me like my don't fit anymore. I just want my clothes to fit.

Nikki buy new.

Clothes, but I got to get those sample sizes and it just it's uh. But it's kind of fun to talk about nothing. Ingratiates you more to an audience than saying I've gained weight and they're all like, yeah, we noticed, and then they I make jokes about getting weight.

They fucking love.

Everyone can relate to having tight pants.

Yes, I haven't worn a belt since COVID. I've been really I used, I've gained Yeah, no, it well, yeah, if I wear it, it hurts if I wear a belt on my jeans that I've worn. I have one pair of jeans that I've worn for like the last eight years, and now I can't wear a belt with it because of my big belly.

Oh yeah, when COVID began, what what were your major changes in your life, like sartorially fashion wise.

I don't even know what sartorial means.

Yes, you do, sartorially, like like, uh, it's fashion sartorial.

I started wearing uh uh sweat shorts.

I wear sweatshorts everywhere I wear them. I still wear them. I don't.

I wear sweatshorts, a codea pasi fanny pack, and a zip hoody in every situation.

I wore it to the Dodgers game. I'll wear it too.

Uh is that fun for you?

I like it nice to be a guy where you just don't have to think, like, do you feel like free?

Because because I think.

Some guys are like it would be nice to have a little bit more opportunity to dress up or dress down like men. Sometimes I think get envious of women being able to do like fun hairstyles or fun makeup, like things that could change or or do you feel like I feel, which is I would feel amazing if I could just have If I could pack a suitcase for Europe like Chris is going to do, and bring three pairs of pants, five shirts, and.

Two jackets and one pair of shoes like I can't, Like I would out of happiness if I'm not even kidding. Phoebe brings about my life.

If I could pack a carry on suitcase everywhere I go, I get emotional and like thinking about my top kit would be a plastic bag with like maybe some face lotion in it and a toothbrush, Like I can't handle what that was. How my life would change with all the ship that I need.

This is real emotion.

It really is like I get when I see Chris pack for a trip with his little suitcase. I just get like man, like I just want him to appreciate what that is where Even over the weekend, John love It, John Love It. He was at the Tropicana and so he came over for our show on Saturday night, was

You wear those?

Yeah?

I had to have all that stuff, and it's like maybe I didn't because I could have chosen the outfit before, but that stuff would have just been up in my room. I had to bring all those options. I didn't know what I was gonna I like not wear.

The one pair of shoes Nikki will wear on stage are completely impossible to walk in, so the second she gets off, she has to put on the other pair of heels that are at least manageable.

But the shoes I wear on stage.

Let me say, I am not in discomfort while on stage, even in my tight outfit.

Not uncomfortable on stage.

I have no feelings in my body on stage, I could be shot in the head and I would still perform. I'm not getting you try to shoot me. I will keep performing. I will not notice any pain. But the second I step off stage, I will start to feel the pain again. So there is the adrenaline keeps all that pain away. So it doesn't bother me to wearing comfortable shoes on stage at all, like literally at all.

You're never like a hobo.

Like the hop oust thing is like a cute, stretchy like body con dress that's pink.

No, I wore it.

I wore my pajamas on stage, like to the meet and greet the other night. I wore the shoes cutel XL Taylor Swift. Yeah, the shoes are so cute. All right, final thought? So over the Yeah, the weekend was fun. Any highlights any.

So what brings you to Saint Louis Anya? I mean, you guys are in you guys are in Vegas and now you're in sane Louisa.

Well, she came with she extended the trip because I have an idea to create a Taylor Swift cover band. I've been toying with it for a while. All I want to do. I've been reading a lot about like happiness and productivity and thinking a lot about my life and like my decisions and like what really makes me happy? And there's no question singing Taylor Swift songs is the my favorite.

Thing to do in the whole world.

Whether I'm by myself or with people, Taylor Swift is It's my happy place. Why am I not doing it as much as possible, so I thought. And also I love performing, and I love Taylor Swift performing Taylor's for songs. I don't even want to perform my own songs. I just I was with my voice teacher a couple of weeks ago and I go, he's like, you need to write your own songs, and I'm like, I don't really want to.

Like this gets it done for me?

Like her songs feel like I have a relationship with them, that is, as if they're my own in a way, like I like them more than anything I could ever write.

I don't want to even songs. Aunt.

Yeah, I was thinking about Yeah, that's a good point, like like with my niece and nephew, Like I don't need to be a mother.

I'm good being an aunt. That's so it. Brian, thank you, great analogy.

Thank you.

I I just I keep thinking I want to write songs. But I was thinking about it the other day and I go, why can't you what? Why could you write jokes?

Nikki?

Like you saw you at one point in your life you said I'm gonna be a comedian. You started writing jokes. Why was that so much easier for you than writing songs? I don't have the answer to that. All I know is it was easy. Writing songs is not easy. I don't like to do things that don't feel good, and writing songs to me does not feel good. Yet maybe it will sometime. It does not feel good. It's torturous from start to finish. I feel like a fraud. I

And he's like, what.

About this other song? And I'm like, yes, there are other songs I like besides her. But and then I was going after going to Ara's tour, I just thought there are a lot of people that can't afford Aras tour. I know that I would go see a Taylor Swift cover band if the whole time we just got to sing out loud. And I was like, well, why aren't I do this? So I asked Anya to start a cover band with me, And that's.

What you're working on A name.

No, not yet, but I think that's gonna take a really long time because I mean, we go through the yeah, like Nikki Glazer covers Taylor Swift because I can. It's kind of funny to do a cover band song, Like there's one for Sublime that's like, uh, we practice Santa Ria, oh, which is hilarious because it's I don't practice Santaria and they're like, no, we practiced it, which is so funny.

But yeah, so that is going and and the Cardigans.

Because yeah, I think that, and it's I think it'll be lucrative for both of us.

Not that I like that means Brian lucrative.

Real lucrative is like of the of the Book of Luke from the Bible.

Yeah, or Christian Taylors change all the lyrics to a.

Blank space, baby and Jesus is in it.

And I'll write his name.

Oh my god.

It's been fun.

It's challenging for me. I've been playing guitar for twenty years and I do not play this way. I don't strum this way. So I feel like I just started playing guitar and for anyone who's tried to learn guitar, and I know Nicky can relate. It's the one thing that can make you feel absolutely suicidal, like you want to throw the instrument across the room because you have to put in so much time to learn the muscle memory. And it's like incredibly frustrating if.

People play guitar out there, How the fuck do you learn finger picking? Like every song has a different fingerpick. I can't pick pick well fingerpicking? How do you do that? Because there's one song I'm trying to learn and it's I'll teach you. It's it's a pat I already know the pattern. I know a pattern on this hand, and the chords are the only thing that's changing. How is it just muscle memory? You just dead enough that you cry? So everyone has to go through the stage of wanting.

To I don't know yourself. You would off your hand.

Yes, I don't know how you're doing this strum.

That one comes natural to me. I'm thinking I've put it.

Easily, easily one thousand hours on this one strum and I still don't have it. But I'm seeing hope, I'm seeing the light at the end of the time.

My God, it's so frustrating. Everything is so but you know what, I like this process. Yeah, and and it's a way for me to get my best friend kind of obsessed with Taylor Swift, Like I'm gonna get.

You like infiltrating my sleep, I woke up today singing Death five thousand Cooks like you.

But this is a sneaky way for me to get a friend on board with my Taylor Swift like you might be able to go to concerts now, and like, is there have you learned a new appreciation for her? Oh?

I definitely have a couple favorite songs that I'm like, oh, I enjoy like I would enjoyed listening to these in my spare time, Like I think like obsessed yet though I'm I don't know if I could get obsessed, But I love August. I think that's a great song I could. I think it's really smart. I love the phrasing. I like Lavender Haze, which is so simple, but there's just something about.

That ah ah oh ah wow wow.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's sexy, it's like kind of soulful. It's a little departure for her, but August is like the phrasing of that to me is really genius. Okay, like when she's doing the whole thing about and also.

The line I'm not gonna like watch videos of her and be like she's so cute.

I love you, it's cute, Like I just want to watch videos of her being adorable. Like it's like this, it's I'm trying to find someone to get obsessed with me of like my mom's almost I can.

Show many people, all of your fans.

I know there's I need someone close in my circle that I'm able to like my mom is getting there, while I'll send my mom like kind of insider swifty stuff where I'm like, look at her mom listening to her, look at like I kind of share things where it's like you can share all that stuff with me, No,

Garter belt and then she like puts it up and then.

Her dancers fix it and she's still singing and then she fucking nails it, and it was just like, it's fun to watch how pro she is and fucking cute and I'm.

Gay, as my mom says, everyone was gay for her in that stadium, every woman.

She's I get it, Nikki, she's so cute. So yeah, we're today, We're going to my voice teacher. I'll be interested for you to meet him.

I can't wait to see the process.

Yeah.

No, we're gonna bring in some songs for him to help us arrange because my voice is not. Oh no, he will be so obsessed with your voice. It's gonna be like me bringing in a pretty friend to a guy, you know what I mean, Like a friend who's prettier

So is it just you two in the band?

Or is it more just as for now, I'm just starting out like Teagan and Sarah Indigo Girls style, and then we're gonna add more.

Nicky's been very patient with me because she knows like all of these songs and I'm I'm She's like, oh, I would.

Never you are like blazing through them. I expected this to take way longer. You're like I knew what I was getting with you. You're a phenom, Like you are so quick to You're so quick and like yeah, and you're a pro musician. So it's nice that I have a head start because I can't. If it were the

I don't think you're anymore.

Well, you guys went on Instagram live on our podcast page, Nikki Glazer pod on Instagram, and I think it was maybe like a year ago.

I forget if it was.

With Rokyo or with Amy Chapman, who you were practicing with for the Masked Singer, but you were saying that some advice that you got from the vocal coach was just interpret this in your own way and when you're when you were singing, you know, I'm familiar enough with sailor swift, but I definitely heard your like you're paying a voice in it, like you're not a novice anymore. Absolutely not.

Well, I'm climbing out of novice and and I'm be getting the intermediate ladder, which feels good, but yes, it's I still want to call myself a novius.

So the bar is low.

That's oh my god, that's actually pretty good.

We should like I would have my band be called like I suck, and so no one could ever go she kind of sucked, be like well, she told us it's like Amy Schumer calling her special mostly mostly sex stuff, so no one could go. I don't know it's mostly sex stuff. It's like, yeah, that's what I told you. It's such a good thing.

Beat them to the punch.

So if you have any suggestions for what our Swift Taylor Swift cover band should be called, and it I would predict that will probably book stuff by early fall, and they will be small venues where we can do acoustic acoustic performances and they're sing along shows, so singing along loudly isn'encouraged because we're.

In our you know, in Nikki's show, we do a little element of that, yes, in my set, and it's so fun to have audience participation and it really does give you goose bumps.

It's so fun.

And that's what Taylor Swift's going to see her during eras everyone singing the entire time of night. And my mom hates when people sing at concerts. But I even asked her, did it bother and she's like, no, that's what that is that night, that's what it is, and everyone's on board and it doesn't bother you at all.

Can you hill hear Taylor?

Oh perfectly, Yeah, yeah it did. It doesn't And you know why it doesn't bother you. You can't hear someone singing next to you cause you're singing, so it doesn't and you can hear her like it's it's whatever they do sound wise, it's it's fun. And so if you're swifty out there who would like to come to a sing along, please come to our show that I haven't been booked yet, but we're preparing for it, so look

Yeah, I do, actually a little bit. I mean I I just zoom in on the hate and then I focus on that. If there's one little nugget of hate and a pile of love, I will just be like, that's a pile.

That's what I can't even read the piles of love because those little nuggs, oh, you know, hate nuggets.

I just wait for the time to turn and then and then it'll turn back around.

That's the real beat.

Eventually you'll leave the show someday and then everyone will go this new guy sucks, we miss Brian.

That's always.

People just hate new they love old, and so you just have to wait it out. Eventually, someday people will be shitting on whoever is the or like, eventually you'll be the one that everyone is like, we.

Miss him, abody, you know, I'm just a guy.

All I ever say is there was a time where you didn't know who Tom Hanks was. Okay, so this whole idea of like, who's this guy? Chill the fuck out and wait a second to get to know people.

Everything I've heard is people are in love.

Yeah, that's why I've heard it too.

But I, as someone who has often been the new person on things, I get a lot of.

Who is this?

It's like, did you you didn't even know your dad? You had to meet your dad for there was a time where your dad.

You go, who is this guy? Right?

So just give it time? You have to meet people? Are you done knowing who people are? It's a I'm getting mad at someone who doesn't even It's like one person who doesn't even listen to the show and just saw one clip and decided to spout off. All right, thank you guys so much for listening podcasts and being overwhelmingly positive Dopka, and just don't even offer me to see