#330 On The Battlefield w/ Brian Frange

was in a tropical resort. It's like the Rainforest Cafe updated. It is so nice down there. It smells really good. They're like, we have plundered the rainforest to give you the most friendly experience. Everything's made of yeah, Paulo Santo or whatever. It's really a good vibe up in this um. Yeah the lobby, yeah, reclaimed from a rainforest cafe shut down. My joke for the Rainforce Cafe, it was like, if they really want to make it the Rainforce Cafe, it

should just have like bulldozers and like crime monkeys. One time there was one under construction at a mall and I was like, this is the greatest joke ever because there was literally a bulldozer in there, and I was like, it's an accurate rainforce cafe. Um. But I like this place because the lobby is so nice and because hotels now, I don't know if you've noticed, after the pandemic, they've

all decided to change their check in time. What did it used to be globally internationally across the board, No, three o'clock. That was always the check in time always. Now what is it four o'clock? Did they send out a memo? Did they send out an alert? No? They all secretly changed it during COVID when when Chris the other day said COVID was a reset button and everyone kind of gets to go play by their own rules. Now reinvent and they raised all the prices on top

of that prices. Um. Now housekeeping is like, oh, we're we're trying to say the planet, so we do it every three days. And it's like, no, you're understaffed and you're cheap. Yeah, that's bullshit, that's a that's a scam. Like what I've heard is that the it hurts the staff because they're not cleaning as much. They're not working as many hours, they're not getting paid. So when they say, like, oh, as a you know, to save the COVID or whatever, or even if it's like ecological, they say, we're not

going to come up and clean your stuff. And it's like they would prefer it. The workers would prefer trying to get in my room. Most of the time. They're always like, you don't want anything you promised you don't. I'm just like, oh, man, I guess my sheets are a little sweaty. Get in here, lady. Yeah. No. There's a sign in there on the bathroom and it's so I was like, wow, they did some marketing research on this,

or just did some psychological research. So the sign says, hang up your towel to indicate that you don't need a fresh one, and then so that we all know that sign that's usually put there, then underneath it, it it says, most of our guests opt to do this. It's okay sometimes to be a follower. Oh my god, wait, let me just read it. Hold on, Oh my god, that's like an abusive boyfriend. Yeah, what the fuck? Okay, I'm gonna repeat after you here. Hanging up your towel means

we'll leave them right here. Most of our guests do. Sometimes sometimes it's okay to be a follower. Yeah yeah, yeah, that's like a or like a really overbearing mother. And you know what, they know who they're praying on, people in Hollywood, and everyone here wants to do what everyone

else is doing. And the butt they they did research and they realized in some R and D that people don't hang up their towels because even though they would reuse it, they think that they are gross or they think that other people wouldn't do this, and so they're like, if we just make it seem like most people do this, then everyone will follow. That's so weird. Yeah, they're trying to save money. But I always hang up my towel. I I never need fresh towels as long as they

have time to dry. Oh yeah, blood all over my tel last week, not even my towels, Chris's towels. Chris didn't even know who was coming over to He folded them and hung them back with blood on them, his cheek, his fucking lip, blood all over them. So fucking hillbilly,

uh shrimp king. Yeah, well it's yeah, this hotel, it was just cheaper than the I stay in like three hotels in this area within walking distance to the comedy store, and this one was just the cheapest for a sweet because I'm tired of staying in like a tiny room and um and I'm kind of yeah, I'm I'm a little perturbed by that sign and um, and they're trying to save water. But the bath is like a fucking pool. So I felt really bad last night as I drew

a bath. I don't feel comfortable saying I drawed a bath. Well, yeah, it's it's very it's high falutin ye to say I drew a bath. Well. Annie was talking about dressing a wound and I was to put a hat and scarf on it and some sunglasses, like dressing anything like don't yeah, I don't wear all a rap is Brian, do you have any gear, rapes, any words that make you creel? Call it? Oh? Um none? Oh no, no, Well it's

like things on chill. I don't. I wouldn't say anything about your towels on Instagram when people say like this guy this, I hate that, like those little things every time my every time, my fiance, I hate fiance. Really, I love that word. That is what I'm most looking forward to in possibly getting married engaged. I want to be a fiance forever. Oh yeah, yeah, because people get excited. You get attention when you say my fiance, people go, oh, when are you getting married? How did he? How did

he propose? And everyone's excited for you. When you say my husband, everyone's bored by that. No one cares, there's no follow up question. It doesn't spark conversation. It sparks as a little sadness. Well, that's what I'm looking for. I don't want the whole Oh I'm not saying fiance on a plane next to a stranger. I'm not saying anything. But if I want to, like feel cool, I don't know.

I just think fiance is cute because it's it shows that your relationship is in a good places the only time that you are actually pretty in love, because you could still call it off if you weren't in love, So you must be in love. But you're also in love enough to take it to the next level. Husband, I know you're locked in. You could fall out of love with this guy. You could hate your husband. You probably do, but fiance, you at least I know you

guys are happy. That's because fiance is in this zone where you're like, you guys are gonna have a wet I mean, I'm sure there's some unhappy fiances out there, but for the most part, a fiance, you're in a good spot and if you're if you're you could say just say the word my fiance. It's almost impossible to say with a negative connotation. Where I could say my wife, Yeah, my wife, it almost comes with a negative connotation automatically.

I was writing over our wedding invitations over the weekend, and it like all the suggestions were to say, we invite you to this celebration of the marriage of Anya and Matt, And I was like, I hate this word marriage. I wanted to say wedding, but all the invites say like, you're invited to the marriage. Do you guys hate marriage too? It just sounds so boring. Marriage. It is marriage institutional, It is boring. I'm like, no, it's a wedding, Like, come to our wedding. I just realized I'm on a

podcast with three fiances. You're all fiances. Just what I love about fiance. I don't like the word either, But what I do like about is that's kind of like ambiguous because when I say fiance, it's like I'm saying partner. You don't know if it's a man or a woman, really, and I love that. I've never had that thought ever.

What you used to say partner, I know, but I never think like if I say my fiance that someone out there, like maybe one percent of the population would be like, could be a woman, right, I never thought about that either. I don't really Wait, why do you like to have that? Why do you like the ambiguity? I just like it. I have no explanation to confuse and baffle people. Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna start saying I'm

gonna marry I being mysterious. I do hate. Boyfriend is hilarious to me now just I feel like I'm in the like when I used to say my grandma had a boyfriend. I'm in that stage now, Like it's ridiculous to have a boyfriend. I'm thirty eight. What is this a boy friend? A friend doesn't sound good either, but boy the word boy I don't know because it's like

it's a juvenile thing. Yes, because we used to get married by the time you're seventeen, so under that it was boyfriend, Well, the boys would get married at seventeen, the girls get married at like thirteen. Yeah, I was, oh, that's oh god. Have you guys watched Waco? No, oh my god, it's so good. It's burned back at ninety four whenever it happened. It's so good. Yes, what the hell is the thing? It's on TV all the time? Is burning building? It's wild. I wish they would have

done it. I mean, unless there's another episode, I think it's done. But it left me with a few questions. But they're so many of the people are still believers, and one of them is like defending him, like being with uh fourteen year old she's she goes a woman comes of age at twelve in our religion. So it's like, it's wild. Oh man, it is really well, boyfriend, feel I gotta watch Waco. I will watch it because it almost reminds me of like, um, it was one of

those nineties events where it was like September eleventh. I mean, I know that wasn't in the nineties, but it feels like it. Yeah, it kind of does, and it was pretty close. Um the bombing, the Oklahoma City bombing that was the first one I remember. I was in fourth grade and tim bombing World Trade Center bomber. I missed that one. I don't remember that one. What the people the nine to eleven really did the most damage to

the original World Trade Center, Mom, because nobody remembers that. Now, Oh my god, you're break the guy who they did not gonna never forget that instantly forget. Can you imagine you're sitting there and you're like, I'm famous for this, and then someone does it twice as big? I mean not only twice as big, I mean how many people died in the first one? Because I know a million

people died in the second One'm just kidding. That's one one of our call back Yeah, on my original radio show on Serious Jen who worked on the show, I asked one day, how I'm only people everyone thought died in nine to eleven, and she guessed a million. It soar in terms of it was just a numb three thousand, and then after with victims later on, it's been in thousands.

So where were you? Where was I On September one September I was in the first period AP English Miss Larson's class, and I said, what's the world Trade Center and she goes, you don't know what the World Trade Center e is, and she like really was mad at me. Oh my god. Then I got a five on ap examined. She called me and was like, I can't believe you got a five. And I'm like, yes, suck it, bitch. Yeah.

She was like, really, did not called you? Yeah? She called They called you to tell you your score sheets them, they called your house. Yeah. She called my house in the summer and was like, you gotta five. I can't believe it. She's like, my mom was egging you. People belove you this much. Um, Yeah, where were you. I was also in class and most of us were. My math teacher was like in their eighties or something, at least in when I I was whatever age, and I

thought my math teacher was eighty. She might have been like forty. Okay, that's just the way it goes. Yeah, you're right, But she refused to acknowledge to have a boyfriend too all to have a boyfriend, No, I fel though she did have many. I feel like pretty I felt pretty bad because I was on Long Island and my dad's a firefighter and he had to keep shifting. He had to keep shifting towards Manhattan, and so I was like really nervous about this, but my teacher refused

to acknowledge anything was happening. She made us learn differential equations or whatever. While we were all like, can we just please watch the news, And like most of us, we're on Long Island, like most of us have like family members who are like rushing to the city or work in the city, we didn't know what's going on, Like we thought we were under a tire fighter. He's

a volunteer firefighter on Long Island. And so what they would do is all the firefighters on Long Island would have to keep shifting west towards the city because all the firefighters in the city were now at the World Trade Center and someone have to cover their spot. You have a fire at your house on September eleventh, Oh yeah, well then somebody out east would have to come out to cover for the people who are supposed to be

there because you're a firefighters. Everyone's shifting, yeah, and he's and how far is he shifting? People in Hawaii or like we gotta go to la eventually. Yeah. Yeah, that's why there was all those Japanese firefighters in Long Island on nine to eleven. People think it was for other reasons. So yeah, the the that M Columbine, another seminole, Yes, disaster M and then they just keep on coming. I don't know why I like morbid things, but I read

about these things a lot. Yeah, you get into it me. Yeah, I mean I can't help it. But you know, at this point with things that happen, I'm just like, it's, um, I'm over it. If you were a teacher during something like nine to eleven, what would what would you do? Would you stop the class? You can't say what I would do, but I'd be looking for any reason to stop the class. I'm bored. I don't like work. I'm not trying to get jobs done. I'm not ever put on a movie. You these people you know me too,

everyone who's worked with me. I'm always looking for some reason to like, not have to get the job done. So I would have been excited to put on the TV and to and to watch, but I would have been a little bit mindful of the fact that if I was in your you know, your teacher, that kids might know people. And but I mean that was just such an insane fucking day. No one knew what to do, you know what I mean. I feel kind of bad about it, but I was like kind of excited was

my initial feeling. I mean, I don't know why that's that's you're not you listen. I could go into some weird thoughts that I've had when there's announcements of certain things and I go only thirty casualties of the reports. Well, I didn't understand what was going on, and so it's just like something exciting, shok up the day, yeah, you know. And then after I went home and I was I

was like horrified. Oh I remember in school, like running around the hallways like something's happen and we're under attack, and I was too young to understand. Yeah, were you in eighth grade or something? Yeah, I don't remember. Oh you don't remember what class that was. I just remember his math. Well that teacher, what grade? What did you have that teacher? Come on, well I had her multiple years. Oh yeah, eighty eight. Okay, so you were an eighth

grade Okay, yeah, so Mike. They refused to acknowledge, and then I was running around the halls being like, we're under what are we going to do guys like me and my red. You remember if you were in your middle school running the halls, or if you were in your high school in my middle school. Okay, so you were eighth grade. Okay, well no I don't remember. I was justasing that off of you. Just picture hallways and you don't know what school. Why were you in a

big school that had all the grades? They were attached. They were attached. It was the school. It was attach schools. There was no change at all. You would just go one floor up or one floor down. What that sucks. I'm sorry to go to a new school. Yeah, well I didn't. I'm sorry that I didn't get that. I could have gone to any I could have moved. Well, no you couldn't. You're kind of locked it child. Did you guys go to You went to it like a separate you changed. I had a school like that too.

I went to a middle school first. I tried to real junior high after. I remember, I went to a one room schoolhouse. Kaith was six with thirty kids, so I was completely little house on the parade. Then I transferred to it like Wantasori or something. Now it was just I grew up in a Mountain and there were no kids here, and that we had one school and the school was the school district too. But then when I went to seventh grade, I was like, I what

are y'all doing here? Because I just was wearing the same outfit every day, like I didn't know how to be cool, and that I just failed so miserably at that school. So then I begged my parents to let me go to this other middle school where I knew some kids from my other school. And then we had jungle gym bars and I was in seventh grade, but I was hanging out with the elementary school kids at the jungle gym bars and doing like dead Men's drop

and suicide. Do you remember these moves on the bars? No, Oh, they were so cool. Suicide, Like here's a bar and then here's your knees. You're sitting on top. This is suicide. You go back and you do a full three sixty turn and you end up sitting back on the bar again. It's insane. That's really hard to do. I know, China taught me. That's where I met China, my best friend.

And yeah, and I was happy in that school, but I remember all the girls were getting their periods in China and I weren't yet and we were like, we just want to hang out with the sixth graders on the jungle gym bar Yeah, Peter Pan, Yeah, did you ever play pea Gravel's gravel? No? No, that is definitely it's a long island. It was called pea gravel because there was like gravel like little rocks. And I don't know why it's called pea gravel. Maybe because the rocks

are sizes of peas. Okay, yeah, so it all makes sense. You you walk on like the jungle gym slash wooden you know, kids thing, and you can't touch the pea gravel and if you do, you have to play go Home floor lava. Right, Yeah, I guess that's the we called it no pea gravel. That was your school r That's not like of ubiquitous game way that would be a thing anywhere outside of your Then I went to the Midwest and I asked, I think you get you kids want to play no pea Gravel? And I got rested.

Do you ever play a tree trunk with one branch? Wait? So did you have friends and middle school? Were you like what was your like kind of vibe. I had my middle school friends changed from my high school friends, but I had like I do have just because well, I had one friend who was almost exactly like Cartman from South Park. Really yeah, he was exactly like I guess, yeah,

yes he does. And he would walk around and he would mimic Cartman because he would watch Cartman and he'd go like no rojambou and stuff like that, and he'd try to kick you in the balls. Um. But I remember when we stopped being friends, yeah, and it was we had a friend his name was Doug, and we had another friend named Chris who lived We all lived around the corner from each other, and Chris had this dumb statue on his front lawn. It was like a

little boy holding the lantern. You ever see one of those, Oh, yes, a little like horseboy. I don't know why people gravitate towards dumb shit like that, Like what because probably because of the towel thing someone else has it. Yeah, but what does it mean? I don't know what the little horse Okay, so I understand, like a dwarf that's like a fun little garden on, yes, but to put a horse boy holding a lantern on your front lawn feels

like you're trying too hard to please somebody. Yes. Absolutely, We had this dumb statue and our goal and your we ride bikes, and our goal was to ride bikes over there, knock over the statue and then run off and the little horse boy would be on the ground. And so Doug and I went over there with this other kid and we've sneaking up. We feel like we're about to rob a fucking bank. We're like, so, that's like the most exciting thing that ever happened. Yeah, we

go up. It's like the middle of the day too, so exciting. Yeah, to do kids, Shenanigan. Yes, we run up to the statue and I'm like, all right, we gotta push this over, and me and the other kid we gently like placed it on the lawn. Get the fuck out of here. We gotta run. So we start running and Doug he trips, He trips, he trips, and he falls and he's his arm outstretched towards us. Well, we're getting on our bikes, and he goes, no, like you're leaving him on the battle, right, Like we're leaving

on the battle. He's like, don't leave me here. We kind of go and we we ride off and we leave him behind and that's it. Well, and then we circle back like a thirty minutes later, a safe amount of time. I know. You go and you wait and you're like, do you think they've noticed yet? And you go back to the seat of the ground. Classic criminal behavior. Yeah, and we also are wondering if he's still laying there. He really didn't seem like he was gonna get up unless we helped it. Oh my god. No, he just

wanted to suffer. He wanted us to betray him. He sounds like he fell on purpose. It feels like it. When you're embarrassed, though, you'll do ridiculous things. I was in an ice skating competition once when I was nine, and I tripped and fell in the first twenty seconds of the song. And while I fell, I thought, this is so embarrassing and so bad. Pretend you fainted. I let all the music play out, and it was like

so just late. Yeah, I just laid it doug on the ice and like ruined all the months of preparation just because I was so humiliar. How long were you laying there for? Like probably sixty seconds? And then I was until someone. I think no one came to save me, and I just us. You thought that someone was going to be like she fainted mid sal cow. It was something gross like my heart belongs to daddy, And I think my dad was on the ice with me because my fucking coach was like, we're gonna have your dad

out there in a folding chair reading a paper. And then and I was like, later on I thought about this, I'm like, this is sexualizing children, Like why am I doing My heart belongs to daddy. The song is about your boyfriend, not your daddy. Okay, what I think the song is like my heart belongs to daddy, my boyfriend daddy. Isn't it? No way it's about your dad. They maybe I was just really wanting to puck my dad. I mean, yeah, it's it's all. It's all mixed up. It's a sexy

song though, But anyway, then I fainted earth. I mean then I fell. I tripped on something and fell and then just decided to really go for it and make it look like a huge fall. And I was like slid across the ice on my face and then just laid there and I accidentally like songs playing and the song's playing out, and I just was like, your dad is just still maintaining me. I think role in the in the lawn. I don't think he wasn't even noticing me.

So typical. I think it was just like in character. Yeah, and then I had finally got up and tried to finish the routine, but he doesn't want to mess up his rombo throw. Sure, I'm sure, I'm sure. I'm sorry I missed up the cartman. Okay, we gotta go to break, we'll cut, We'll find out what happened with Duck after this. I know you're on my edge of your lawn. Welcome back. Well, we all need to know what happened to Doug laying

on the lawn next to the little kicked over. So we returned back to the lawn and Doug was not there. The statue was still over. Nothing occurred, nothing, and we so obviously at some point, just like Anya on the ice, at some point, the jig is up and you just have to get up. That's the funniest part. It's like you've been faking this. No one cared, yes, and you like,

you know what, I'm just gonna get up. Oh my god, faking things is so embarrassing when you like I faked crying before to like get sympathy from a boyfriend, or like faked being asleep so that you can, like so that you maybe look like a precious angel and they'll maybe like kiss your head or something like why do

I do any of this stuff? Like it's so embarrassing or fake, Like I don't see someone fake, Like I like last night, there was someone in the lobby and I saw I know her, she knows me, but there's like a little bit of a weird thing between us, like she's friends with someone that I'm not like friends with anymore, And it was just kind of like and I just I would have said hi, but I was like, maybe she saw me and doesn't want to say hi, because I think she had a chance to see me

before I saw her. But when I saw her, she wasn't looking at me, so I thought maybe she had turned prior Because do you ever catch someone before they see you and then you like put your head in away. That's like then I don't have to catch their eye. So it felt like it was like that there's nothing that makes someone notice you more than when you catch them and you turn away and they didn't see you. Yeah, and all of a sudden there like someone did that.

It's like everybody has a spider sets. Yeah for that. I do it all the I've pretended so many times not to see people, and I'm really good at it. Actually, I always see people before they see me. Yeah, I can see that. Yeah, you're you're good at scanning. Yeah, you think you're good at skank you. I always see scanner darkly. Not a movie. Yeah, that was a rhotoscope movie with Keanu Reeves from two thousand and sevens Okay,

I have something disturbing to tell you guys. What My Heart Belongs to Daddy was originally done by Cole Porter And the woman does a strip tease in the play, singing that song and it's a fucking song about yeah and the adults and it's about a boyfriend. Yeah, it's about a boyfriend. It's like the lyrics are like, Lolita, if I invite a boy some night to dine on my Finn and Hattie, is that like a euphinitemism? I just adore his asking more. But my heart belongs to Daddy.

And Marilyn Monroe did a striptease to it too, and okay, so daddy in the song is still your dad. I don't think so. I think I want more, but my heart belongs to no. I think it's she's talking about like I can't sleep with you because my heart belongs to daddy, like I am. Okay, young Well, one of the lines says, my heart belongs to my daddy, because daddy, my daddy, my little old daddy. It's her sugar, Daddy, that little old daddy is your sugar. It's so good.

A newspaper magnate introduced with the words, I've come to care for such a sweet millionaire. It doesn't matter what it means. The lyrics are lascivious. Is that a word? Yes, it's lascivious. Lude and there should be no young child doing a damn. Oh my god. I just remembered my outfit. It was fishnets. I was wearing fish I'm ten, nine or ten wearing fishnets and a tight leotard. And I had a boa and I like, use the boa around my dad and he was in a chair. This is oh,

you did it, okay. Brian remembered he was molested yesterday, and I just remember that I was a victim. To a fucked up thing by my very sweet ice skating coach. Who and your dad? Your dad is an adult and sign on for this? Oh my god? Yeah sorry. And then what's with the dad sitting in a chair with a newspaper? That's part of it. Yeah, we just gave him something to do because he can't be on the ice like skating around. He's a daddy, Yeah, he's a daddy.

All very disturbing. It's so gross. Is it news to anyone that old men want to fuck young girls? This is the society we live in. They want to fuck young boys and young girls. That is why. That is what like, there's and there's so many of them that want to do it, and they can't hide it sometimes. Remember Serge Gainsberg and the Charlotte that daughter. Yes, they

had disgusting songs together. This is I kind of like it when it comes to the surface, because it's happening beneath the surface all the time, and it's just now kind of coming to I think in the past twenty years we've all kind of woken up to, like, oh, you shouldn't sexualize children. But it was happening all the time during the seventies, eight, Like, looking back on our childhoods,

I think it was happening a lot more frequently. Yeah, and you still see it, like even like I don't know, I something, Yes, the pageant things with the girls wearing makeup and um, even girls getting their ears pierced. I'm like, stop, but jeweling this child, why do you need to do that? Isn't she already a little jewel? Um? And then because it why does she need to be like more sparkly?

And you're about giving little girls dolls and like your that's your baby, like that's but you're a mommy train for what you're going to be doing in a couple of years. And it's just and just Santa Claus, sit on my lap. I'm an old man and now your kid is on my lap and I'm gonna and just whisper in my ear what you want? Yeah, yeah, I mean, but what the reverse? So back in the whatever sixteen hundreds,

little kids would be dressed up like little moppets. They would have like full like full dress and leggings and they would be covered in cloth. Yes, and better they would have walked around like this, Okay, they would dressed up like a moppet. Up. Yeah, no, no, a muppet is a is a Well we know what am muppet is. You need to finish that, SI explain what I'm muppet is. Moppet. Haven't you ever seen the uh? What's that play? The uh?

You don't remember the play? Havenue queue? Those are muppets, yeah, avenue que, those are moppets. M oo. No, moppet is a small endearingly sweet child. All right, Yeah they dressed them up. Well, no, I think they already are moppets because they're a small, sweet, endearing child. Yeah, you have to cover them in cloth. Yeah, cover them in various

layers of claw. Oh my god, I was, And they walk around like this and there's no sexualization until they turned thirteen, and then you sell them and then yeah, then you sell them to a man who has cows and you say you can have sex with this kid. That's basically what happened. Yeah, totally, no more moppet after other then the husband would dress you up like a moppet. What oh and yeah, because then it's here, it's your mind, your mind, and you cannot be sexual for any other man. Um, yeah,

it's all fucked man. Can I finish the duck story, because I feel like now has passed. The payoff is not good enough for the amount of time that's passed. I mean, that's why I got away from it. I didn't felt it coming. I felt there was not this was really the first September eleventh attack or the first World Trade Center attack. I wanted to forget it. Go on all right, So I go back to We go to Duck's house and we knock on the door and

he opens the door and he is shirtless drinking. He made this drink that was a full glass of milk with a full sleeve of oreos absorbed into the milk. Oh my god, and he would drink that and he opened the door shirtless, and we're like, oh doug, he would be so delicious because after you drink down the milk, which disgusts me, by the way, I think, even before I was a vegan, people just drinking milk straight up

is the grossest thing I could ever imagine. But then afterwards the oreos soaked with the milk, and so they're almost like you could bite into them even if you have fresh veneers, because they just give way right away. No, you can. This one's good for you. This is all for you, okay. So he drank his milk drinking shirtless and we go, Doug, are you okay? And he goes, we will never be friends again, slam the door, and

that was it done. He was never friends with us. Game, never hang out with us because you like left him because we left him behind. No leave no man behind. That was the code. And we didn't abide by betrayed him for the rest of like, because you went to college at your high school too, right, Yeah, I can stay in the same building. That's where I still lived. Did you speak again? Never? No, I mean I would. We would see each other and he would be he

would just be a scowl man scowl. That's that's tough. Did he find other friends? Um, he moved. Did you get bullied ever? Um? Were you guys cool or were you kind of door like I picture like freaks and geeks. In high school, I was in that world between dorks and most comedians were. Yeah, most people I know were somewhere in between. Um, Noah was she was just trying to stay under the radar. She was kind of Were you goth? Noah? I mean all the goth kids were

like cool? In one section, of the yes, and I wasn't a part of their club either. I was like an uncool, like want to be different person, but you just wanted to not get like be seen. Was that yes, did you want friends at all? Or did you? Had you given up on that? Um? Well, I gave up on it because I was like embarrassed of how we lived. So I just had like one friend who was just as poor as me. So I was like, I'm never

gonna invite anyone to my house so much. There was a kid on stage last night, this guy Aaron from Kansas City. I forget his last name, but he was the MC and he was talking about he's joking about it but growing up and his mom was a hoarder, and he and his brother would just lie and say that they they that you know, our parents are sick, or like you can't come over. They just stopped having friends because they were too ashamed of the house and

so they he didn't have any friends. It just breaks my heart that parents disease makes kids not want to have people over. But I think that happens all the time and makes kids so lonely. Whenever I hear about kids not having friends or not enjoying high school. It just and most people don't. I think, did you enjoy high school? I fucking loved it. I loved it so much.

As why I'm obsessed with Columbine, I think I just want to go back to the days where I was in high like things that happened when I was in high school and pre Columbine. I mean, those were the days. No fear, Oh you don't have to take your shoes off to go through TSA. No, you didn't do anything. Wait, no, that wasn't high school. Yeah pre Columbine. No, we didn't have any measures after Columbine that were like instated. People felt like that was gonna be a one off thing

that never would happen again. Yeah, even though it was happening a lot before Columbine too. Oh I didn't know. Yeah, everyone thinks Columbine was the first one, but no, it was happening. They were copycats. But yeah, I loved high school so much. But he's still very good friends with all her high school girls. Yeah. In fact, we're gonna all go hang out with them this week tomorrow. Where's a girls trip that Anya, Noah Carlisle, Sarahlena, Kirsten Halla,

Taylor and my sister. Oh my god. Yes, so there's like nine girls going, Wow, where are you going? Three of them are my best friends since childhood, and um the rest are all friends have picked up along the way. Palm Springs. Oh yeah, I don't know what to expect. I mean, is it that is it that far away that it's going to get that much hotter? La, It's like going to be like seventy degrees? Okay? Yeah. The woman from the airbnb wrote me and said, do you

want extra hundred dollars a day? I can heat this pool up for you and I go hit that baby yet that pool. So we're gonna have a pool and a hot tub. We went to Palm Springs once. Oh that was so long ago. Oh my god. Why that was the only time I've ever been really yes, oh well, you gotta go back from that Palm. It was they were fighting or something. It was we were like, okay, July fourth weekends coming up, what are we going to do?

So hot? We gotta do something. Yes. We were in this mode where it was like, we can't let these holidays just waste away, and I was like, yes we can. I have a boyfriend that is very much like, we gotta seize the day, and he does. He loves traveling, he loves experiences, and I'm like, we can absolutely have a forgettable Fourth of July. But no. We said no, we're gonna go to Palm Springs and we're uh and

we're gonna hang out by the pool, right, yeah. And it was extremely hot and I had just gotten Jack, my dog that was a brand new dog basically, and he was so hot in the car and I was like, super, were you single at the time, Yeah, of course, yeah, so you were single. But Rob was there his friend Merriedith who were married, So you were just the was the fifth Wheel the fifth Wheel? Yeah? Fifth I remember going to a Mexican restaurant. I don't remember much else

from that. We got Thai food deliver, Yes, I remember that. And I remember the mists of the mist by the pool, yes. Um. But other than that, it's excruciatingly hot. Yeah. And Luigi was there. Oh yeah, I remember that too. I remember them. Okay, So but it isn't that way. You can go on a whole trip and not really remember fucking anything. Well, that's pomp Springs, really, pomp Springs is a haze, especially when it's hot. You just go there and my memory

just throws everything away after a decade. It's like with taxes, you just anything older than seven years. I meet people and they'll tell me and remember we took that road trip to LA and you had an audition, and I'm like, I don't even know your name. I remember this at all, and they're like it was just you, me and two

other people in a car for hours. Yeah. Recollection. Uh yeah, there are things I've talked about, like podcasts I've done, and like things that have documentation like that are that I will never remember. I mean, I'm not kidding you. I met Larry David and I said, nice to meet you, and he said we've met before. You remember forgot meeting Larry David? Wow, Because I think I expunge things that are too much for my brain to handle, like knowing

Larry David or meeting him. If it didn't go the way I wanted it to reset button and I just don't want to remember. And so when someone goes you don't remember meeting me, I always go I didn't remember meeting Larry David, so of course I didn't remember me. Well, you got to do the trick the Hollywood hello see you. I don't like that nice to see you shit, yeah nice, you don't like it. Yesterday Kathy Hilton did it to me.

I love Kathy Hilton, but I went to the Paris Hilton thing, okay, against what I wanted to do, which the only reason I didn't want to do it is because I didn't have an outfit planned. I didn't have hair and makeup. I was I'm I'm like sick. I think I have bronchitis or something like. I just didn't feel good. But I went because we talked about in the podcast, and I knew that, like, I should do this. Yeah, you're peer pressured, do I am? I glad I did it. No,

I should have stayed at home. I was not in the mood to do it. Kathy Elton, but she she twice I go, nice to meet you. We've never met before. I gave her that in of like, I'm acknowledging you shouldn't know who I am. Yes, and she still double timed nice to see you to me, which if you don't know and you're listening, nice to see you as the way that people in Hollywood greet each other in case they've met before. It covers you for meeting for

the first time. Yeah, it's nice to see you, or it's like we we've never met before, or we've met before, nice to see you again. It kind of covers that as well. Yeah yeah, um, but she's locked into a nice to see you. She's adopted that and that's her that's her thing. Um and um. She was hilarious and really fun and funny, and Paris was just great and beautiful.

And we shopped for baby clothes together at sax Fifth Avenue and I every little garment was more money than I've ever spent on a shirt in my life for these this little baby that would wear at one time two days. It was rather very It was very normal the way the shopping went, like you'd think shopping with Kathy and Paris would be this like monumental event, and like they would shop in a different way, No, same old way. You just like, go, this is cute. I said.

At one point, I go to the woman working, I go, how many times a day do you hear this is cute? She was like thousands. And then Kathy goes, this is adorable. I go, what about adorable? She goes less, and I was like, yeah, so I wasn't. I just I regret doing it because I wasn't my best self. I wasn't like, I don't feel super comfortable being like the kind of funny that I am around Kathy Hilton. Yeah, and I

looked so like I looked like such a scrub. I'd put on the cutest outfit I could find, but I had no plans of even going to dinner with a friend while I was in town, so I don't have any cute clothes. And Kathy Elton at one point held up I was wearing like a sweater with flowers on it, like these like daisies on it that I've worn a million times. It probably smelled. And at one point she held up like a kid's thing that had like hearts and flowers all over it and that was really ugly,

and she goes, this would match your outfit. But she wasn't trying to be mean. She was just right, and I was just kind of had to swallow and be like, oh, because I see I saw her take in my outfit, like what is this? I mean, the irony of everyone that works at sacks that kind of judges you when you go into a nice store and you feel bad about your outfit and the staff there is kind of like your gross I always want to be like, you can't afford this shit either, which you work here, you're

making seven fifty an hour? Why are you judging me? I got to remind myself of that people that own shops are not like rolling in dough generally, or even working in shops. I don't understand shops at all. I see shops all the time. I don't see anyone in there. Ever, the like five shirts, it's a billboard. It's just a billboard. Yeah,

that's what they're mostly for. Yeah, especially on Rodeo. Yeah yeah, but the places make you dress in their clothes, but they won't really pay for it, and they give you a tiny discount. And that's the hard part you have to have, like, yeah, I feel bad bits all the time, and you have to basically invest all the money you're earning their back into the dumb store. Yes. Um oh, Carlisle made me laugh so hard. This whole like you

get a discount thing. Doesn't everyone realize that everything's marked up like one hundred percent, So if you're getting a ten percent discount, it really is not a lot. But Carlisle I was talking about this new building she moved into over air one or she's good, might move into um and it. They give you if you live in this building, ten percent off at Air one. Oh wow,

which is fucking nothing. Air one makes whole Foods look like a soup pantry, like it looks like a place you'd go to get free food if you're homeless like that. That is the pricing at a ten percent off is nothing. Is like fifty thousand dollars. Yeah, they have some spach dip or something there that's famous. I forget what it is, but I saw it on Instagram. It's this big, it's like a court and it's forty five dollars and they

sell it during some holidays. Insane and aarone just opened up around the corner for me, which means like my, I mean, it's amazing, uh no one. I went to one um together recently for lunch. It's I mean, it's great stuff. But you have no business walking in there unless you're rich. No, I mean you you're you're you're They had ballet parking. Remember, yes, it's filled with people

with eating disorders. When I had when I had a full, raging eating disorder and I was going to like two beak rom yoga classes a day, I would just starve myself all day and then at night because I was so whatever it's called orthorexic, where you're obsessed with like

only eating organic food. I would go there and get these raw brownies that the only ingredients were like coconut oil, cacao shavings, coconut shavings, and that was a how And I would just eat that and be starving, and it was probably like three thousand calories or something, and I'd be like, why am I fat? Because I just wasn't eating anything all day and then just eating like a bunch of coconut oil and knights. Yes, it was depressed. And they cost so much secty dollars for those fuckers.

I told when Carlos that, I was like, I need to get through to her to not go there. Ten percent off is not enough to justify air one. That's how they get you. You can't grocery shop there, that's insane. So it's already really expensive. If you go to Whole Foods,

you get Whole Foods is already a rip off. Yeah, if you get it delivered from Amazon, then it costs h you know, there's fees in that, and then there's like Trader Joe Gars to have my groceries delivered because then people have to see what I get when you take out. When you get takeout food, you know how they put like a sticker over the bag or they staple and there's a sticker that says sealed for your protection.

You ever get that? No, but I haven't noticed it, I guess because I usually am just like ripping it open like a wild coyote. It's like a new thing. Okay, Like if you get door dash, you get a bag and then they'll put a sticker over it that says stealed for your protection. Huh. I was just wondering what you thought about that. Well, I think that people were eaten things before. Oh yeah, I think people were rummaging

around in there. That's insane or no, it's not. I get it because if you're making no money as a little driver and there's some fresh fries in a bag and then the eating and guess what, I don't think it's that gross. You're if they're not touching your other fries, why is it that gross. Let them have a fucking fry. Well, the sticker's not going to stop them. Then you just pull it up and then close it. Well yeah, well

gonna go stick it. You think it's well. Last night I got takaya and I spent fucking ninety dollars on my takaya order. They always throw in like four silverware things because they think that's how many people I ordered for. And I ordered all these sauces and none of the sauces came, and I was so furious, and then I was just like scares, like like who am I Like? I get to have this delivered. I get to spend ninety dollars on takeout, and it's like not a treat.

It's just like the way I live. Like I'm doing pretty well. I can live without my sauces tonight. But it was annoying. And I did go on the app and I got reimbursed. Yeah, ten dollars or so that's automatic. Now that's good for you. Yeah, thank you. My mouth is so stupid because right now I'm listening to your story, I have no idea what to kaya is, and my mouth is watering. I'm like, you don't even know what sauce. Talking about sauces, what is it Japanese food. No, it's

Mexican to kaya Organica, Yeah, yeah, organica. The salsas, Like now I do. I love It's one of my favorite drinks. I love sauces. But I just am in this new thing of like when I'm starting to feel this panic of like persecution, I just have to go. You're lucky and everything works out for you. So it honestly probably worked out that I didn't have like acid re re because of the salsas. You know, like I could sleep through the night. I keep waking up. I have this

cough that like won't go away. It's crispy. Listen to my crispy cough. Honestly it sounds good, really yeah, I guess so, But it sounds like a cough. It's like, yeah, will want it. I want it. He's already got it. But it's like crunchy. That's what's good about. It feels like I'm shaking a can of pringles. Yeah, it sounds satisfying. That cough is better than you want to know. It's not. It's not getting anything up. Once in a while, something comes up, but nothing, there's nothing moving and my um

my voice. Teacher said, uh, it's probably bronchitis, And so I looked at bronchitis and I mean it checks out. I mean, what's the difference between the group bronchitis scrap uh strap, I know hurts, this doesn't. Yeah, my throat's not hurting. But I do wake up in the middle of the night just like dry like like coughing and crunching. Well, the reason I say it sounds good is because I think it sounds like a quality like movie, like a

folly artist cough. Oh thanks, like you put that cough in a movie because it's like, not the coughing are the worst. Yeah, when someone's like, why don't you do some adr work and earn some money while you're at that's a good point. I should commodifize this commoditized commodify you only have it for a little while. God Man, succession is the best word usage. Yeah. I keep watching the show and I have just like a list. Can I go through a list of words? If you guys

know what these words mean. I mean, on Anya is very good at words. Ironized. That's the first word before I find my phone. I mean, I make to make ironic yes, how do you know that? How do you know that? Because I thought it was to make something irony, like make it like iron. Yeah, I thought it was like some sort of chemical reaction that makes it iron like dies. Yes, that's what I thought. How did you know that? Anya? I just guessed. I don't think it's that smart of me, but um, give us more. No,

it's very smart. Okay. Patois oh a t O I s yes, that is that's French. Uh, that's that's a when a duck you have a duck fat inside of it. Here's my guess, an overall an overall coloring or color scheme or like pat it's French for three debts. It's the dialect of the common people of a region. Oh wow, Okay. In co inkoit I n c h O A t E. That sounds like a like a like a new tech company. Yeah, or it looks like it says like in chocolate, like in kwait is it like and they have to say

it in a British accent because sound really stupid. In koit it's like something that is um you're born with or something no, well kind of cloe well you're cloeror beating around the bush. It's just begun and so not fully formed or developed, rudimentary. I should know. That's such a good word. Epiphenomenon. Wow, they ehenomenon Yeah, and they

yes they do. It's nuts means revolving around something the phenomenon, and a phenomenon is some event that occurs, So revolving around an event that was a significant event, a secondary effect or byproduct that arises but does not causally influence a process. They were talking about that in the show. Aren't they talking about like the definition or not. No, they weren't talking about the definition. They just used it. They just expect you to know these things. They all

the God, the show is so freaking good. The new I know you don't watch it, but the new episode is fucking incredible. You watch the new episode? Yes, yeah, I'm obsessed and I love um. I just love everything that's happening on that show so much. And I don't want to give anything away, but um Logan has like a there's this one part where you know the patriarch, who's this like disgruntled groff man who just says fuck

off all the time. He's just mad and no one can get him like he's never been he's never lost, he always wins. And he has this moment in this diner where he's asking his bodyguard and he has no friends at this point, and his family's kind of estranged and like all of his friends and his wife is fucking They don't want to divorce because it would cost too much, but she's gone, you know, And he's just like a this diner with his bodyguard and he's just like,

what do you think happens after this? Like, what do you think what comes after? And the bodyguard's talking and he just keeps interrupting him, because this guy is incapable of like hearing anyone else out or being interested in anyone else like most men on a date, and so he just keeps asking questions that he answers himself, and then he goes, he goes, I don't know. The thing is, you don't know, you can't know, and he goes, but

I've got my suspicions. I've got my fucking suspicions. He's like he's mad about like this guy is always paranoid that someone's out there get him. And he's even when after he dies, he's like already angry about whatever's like gonna happen to him and like someone's gonna try to fuck him over. It's just so well done and the acting is superb, and I just love you give a favorite character. Yes, uh fucking what's his name? Roman, He's

my favorite. He just like fuck you when, just like quick, and he's says the funniest things, and he's also like the most emotional and he's you know, I don't know, like he's just been kind of screwed over because he's the youngest one and he was kind of like bullied as a child and he has weird sexual hangups and he talks like this and he's just like fuck you, Sis, I don't care and m and I just think there's

like an innocence to him all all together. Though, Tom womb Scams is what I'm rooting for, and I'm really glad that he's fucking giving Shiv the Shiv and is like not putting up with her shit anymore. And he's just a sweet character. I just love. I love them all for different reasons, and I also hate them all for different reasons. See the new episode Yes twice. Ah, I'm good. I'm ready to go back. I think the part with the Barbery bag is great, and I love

the article in the cut about the Burbery bag. This one character shows up to a party and they just do such a great job of showing all of the bullshit around wealth, Like she has a three thousand dollars bag. This one girl, that's a three thousand dollar bag. Yeah, it's a Barbery bag. And evidently Burbery went through this whole not scandal, but like their brand kind of went down. So they're poking fun at the bag because she's not the right kind of rich, Like she shows up with

a big, clunky Bribery bag. And so Tom Wombscans has a great line that's like, I'll rate it to you. Yes, I have I have an account that um said. So he says, so Greg the young like cousin Greg, who's kind of like a buffoonish character, he brings I have it. He brings this girl with him to his uncle's birthday party and he's like, I think you know. He goes up to Tom and he's like, I think she's leaving. I don't know, and he goes why because she brought

a ludicrously capacious bag. What's even in there, huh, flat shoes for the subway, her lunch pail. I mean, Greg, it's monstrous. It's gargantuan. You could take it camping, you could slide it across the floor after a bank job. Bag was so funny. It makes me like so fairnoy that I have big bags now. And capacious was a word I had to look up right away. I paused it because I was watching with Chris and every time a word comes up that we don't know, I paused,

I go, what do you think that means? And so he was like, I think it's like capacity so big, And I'm like, you're right, capacious it's a great word. Yause Chris always getting Queen Bee on the I mean that was me yesterday. I was the girl with the big bag walking into sacks to meet Kathy and Paris. Hilton's two are the most articulately, perfectly poshly dressed people.

I looked like a hoodlum and there was no There was no other And by the way, I was texting the producers on my way there, being like, I'm dressed disgustingly, I'm really anxious about it. I am not feeling good. I need you guys to know this. And I show up and they go, you're fine, and she goes, You're dressed exactly like me, And I go, you're Are you going shopping with Kathy Hilton? No, you're working on You're

a crew member on a show all day. Hey. I was like, I'm not supposed to be dressed like you. She was like, I'm dressed like you. I'm like, yeah, but you are. You're working all day. So how did it go? Though? I mean, I mean, I wasn't able to be that funny because I was just too nervous and like, if there was one other funny person there, it would be fun because that person could have Like if I would have brought a friend who was funny, we could have been funny with each other and laughed

at the fact that our jokes don't go well. But when I make a joke and it doesn't go well, it's just Kathy and her parents and her mom they're not, like, not good laughers. They just don't. Kathy didn't know who I was, no context for who I was. Harrison stold her, in right, it was nice to see me. Paris was just like this, my friend Nikki. It wasn't like this. She's a comedian, so there was no like pretext for like, let's let's expect her to be funny. So I was

doing kind of funny things and saying funny things. But I also felt so uncomfortable with how I was dressed. I couldn't be comfortable. I couldn't because I just felt so cute, so embarrassed. The way Kathy Hilton looked me up and down, I guarantee you you would not have felt comfortable. Isn't that my offit? Yeah? I looked the

pants were too big. Um, it was just it. I didn't I didn't look cute, and I just didn't feel comfortable, regardless of they were so nice to me, and they were so funny, and they were funnier than I was. I was just too nervous. And so I'm saying this next time, I'm going to trust my instinct and not go yeah, yeah, Sometimes you're right. Sometimes the thing that's hard to do that you're like, do the hard thing. Sometimes you don't want to do it because it's ei

there is a reason to be scared. You're not prepared. We gotta go to break and I'll talk more about and then I had I had a whole night last night as well after this, So I finished the Paris thing yesterday and then I had like a couple of hours before I agreed. Somehow I agreed to do three sets, and I don't know how it happened, but I was like bronchi itis, and then I couldn't check in my

hotel till four. So I got here at one and I'd wait in the lobby for three hours with nothing to do except be on my phone and look at pictures of myself when I was thinner, and so I was just in a bad mood. I come up here, I smell bad, but I don't have time to really shower and redo my hair because I'm trying to keep my hair from the iHeart Awards, so I can bring it to the fucking Sacks Fifth Avenue and look like

at least something looks good on me. And then so I feel sticky and gross, and then I have to and then I'm like, okay, I'll get a little nap in I can't nap before the sets because of my bronchitis. I tried to cancel a set ten twenty, my latest set, so I had a nine I had at nine o'clock, a nine thirty and a ten twenty, and I'm like, let me get out of that ten twenty. But I agreed to do the ten twenty like that morning, So why would I get out of something that I agreed

to do so late? But I wrote to him and I go, how annoying is it for me to cancel? And he was like, I just had Ida Rodbriguez to cancel, and I'm like, I won't cancel on you, So I do them all. I had to kick out at one. I got heckled at the comedy store and this girl was like love me. She had a shaved head and

she was just very enthusiastic about everything I said. And then they kicked her out and she was like crying on the way out, and so that was kind of like roth And I was a little bit mean because when I that's why I don't do CrowdWork, because I always go mean, yeah, because the funniest thing is to say is to say a mean thing, because it first really true. You're so lovely, like you'll be like you're straight, tell your voice like which is mean but hilarious, and

you're always very gentle with people. I feel like everyone knows you're but that's not funny because I always gentle. Because I was like, babe, I'm so sorry you're getting kicked out. I was like, we know, like you're you. She was like, but I love you, and I was like, I know, it's just you're too annoying, and and I go and I'm sorry you were molested because I was talking about molestation, and then she started mouthing up, and I go, this is the product of like if you

touch kids. They turned into this like someone who doesn't really know social boundary, Like she's fucked up from it. I go, one hundred percent that girl was molested. She had a shaved head. She was just being very loud

and like I love you, and she wasn't listen. I was trying to engage her in a way that like would make her a part of the show, but she wasn't responding, so they kicked her out and she's just pleading on the way out and like just begging, and I'm like, I abandoned her, like dug on that um on the battlefield. And then they told me afterwards she was crying outside and they were and they were really nice to her though at the comedy store. They were

like listening, it happens all the time. We know you were trying to help but just didn't work out. You'd come back drunk. Yeah. So that and then I go to the ten twenty spot and Tiffany Hatrish is there. She wasn't even on the line up, but I go, oh hey, and I go, you know, Bet Midler's here. Because I'm walking in, they go, this is star studded crowd. And I go, who's here? And they go, Bet Midler and I was like, Bet Midler is at a ten o'clock improv show on a Tuesday. What So I'm excited.

I see her in the court, like in the back she's by herself. I think she was by herself. And then Tiffany Hannah comes in and I go, Tiffany, Bette Midler's here, and she goes, I know I invited her and I was like, what friends with Bet? And so she was like I met her? She was. I met her at the met gala the second time I did it, and then I ran into her and she was like we kept in touch through the pandemic and then I

met her. I saw her earlier. I was having dinner and I saw her and I told her I was doing a set, and she was like, I want to go, So Tiffany brought her there and then I did a set and it was really fun because I, like, I was It's the only time I've ever been like, what does bett want to hear? Like, I wasn't thinking about

anyone else in that crowd. So I did a total bet set and then I left afterwards, and because I had to go home and sleep, and then I woke up to a Texas morning that said that the booker of the show said Bette Midler was looking for you afterwards. She wanted you to take a picture with you. That's sweet. I missed out. That was cool and then I and then I um ate some sauceless Mexican food, went to bed.

That was my day. What was the bet set? What kind of topics did you coverging being a woman in this industry and how what the bullshit is and how you have to be so talented if you want to get old, you better keep your talent up and how um yeah, just like and you know, fuck you j Low for lying to people. You've all had facelifts. Everyone has facelifts. I'm gonna get a facelift. Just a lot

of aging stuff and a lot of like calling hypocrisy. No, but I she was right underneath the light in the back of the room, so it was like very dark. You couldn't tell if she was laughing. But I but if she Bet asked for me afterwards, so I'm guessing I thought it was asking. She she liked it, so that was fun. Midler asked for you and that drunk girl in the same night, I know. I mean, you're crush it it. Maybe it was Bett Midler in the first show. Yeah, can you imagine throwing Bett Midler out

of your show? I mean you could have asked me all day yesterday name celebrities that could come up to her come to your show the least likely, and she would have made my list of least likely least likely to show up. Yeah, but at the same time, you're kind of like, no, that makes sense for Bet being out on a late at I mean, Jamie Lee Curtis won't go to a show at seven pm. How old is Bet Midler? I would guess. Okay, let's do a

little Let's let's do a bet. Let's do a bet bat bet all right, Um, I bet she is seventy three, okay, anyone else I thought she was seventy two. I'm gonna say seventy four. Wow, this is really all in the same rain. Would you guys have said this? Head I not said seventy three. I'm gonna bet that she's one dollar. Yeah, I'm gonna bet one. I'm gonna bet u eighty Okay, yeah, I mean I don't. I don't think that's a horrible butt. Yeah, Brian's over, Yes, seventy seven. Wow, that meddler out at

the fucking night seventy seven. Yes, on your wins. I have a downstairs neighbor. No, no, she was just watching No yeah, yeah, no, no, no, I have a downstairs neighbor who's eighty nine and she is. Wow, she's the type of person that would go to a comedy show at ten o'clock on a Tuesday. I guess I gotta keeps you alive to that active. You gotta keep going like a shark the secret. Yeah, like a shark. Yep, I already say it yesterday. You're gonna do it. I'll

probably make it to probably pull it off. I don't know. I'm tall. Though tall people don't live long. They're not that tall, they say. The new generation is is that right? That's really um Life insurance or people who do financials for like your long term they plan for you to be one hundred and six. Wow. Good news. Well, the fact that we're not all inhaling cigarette smoke twenty four seven is going to give us a slight advantage. Your parents,

our parents all inhaled cigarette smoke for forty years. Yeah, everywhere they went. Yeah, they would smoke thirty or forty years, and and smoked too. But second and smoke was horror, horrific on planes. I mean, it's just insane. The fact that you could smoke on a plane, and the fact that I get I walked by someone smoking and I'm like, oh god, and like that was just the air back then. Yeah, but now I'm getting it. I'm getting it a little bit. With weed smoke. Now, oh, weed smoke is everywhere or

not conscious of the fact that it smells from. And when I've smoked weed, I've always been conscious of that. And people always like, it's fine, it's weed. It doesn't and I'm like, no, people, this is annoying. It's I've never been someone who smokes weed who thinks it's cool and that everyone should have to like deal with it. I mean when I'm on the road and I like, I'm in my green room and I know that, like

I'm not smoking out of the green room. I just go in the shower something and try to keep it a little bit contained. But like people who just wafted through the street and I'm constantly walking by it, be ashamed, yeah, be ashamed of this drug habit. You have a little bit try to keep it, you know. Contained It's not about shame for the drug habit. It's about shame for being rude. It's well, like maybe people don't want to smell that. I mean, I hate shame and I think

it's the worst thing possible. So I don't really mean that, but I do feel like you should have I have shame with smoking, and I don't think that everyone should have to deal with it. I always ask beforehand if I'm going to do it in a green room with other people, like is this you know? Or I do it wait till they're gone and like wafted away. But it's like it's just gross. But especially now that you

can vape and it doesn't smell like anything. Vaping is so horrible and it makes you feel like it just it's I don't like vaping at all because, first of all, vaping for me, as someone who can be very addicted to weed is day inger Russ because you can do it everywhere, and at least when if I want to get high and I'm smoking weed, I have to be stinky. I have to do a thing that I have a bud cigarette butt thing that I have to put out somewhere like an It's an inconvenience. It makes it so

like I have to really want it. When I can just vape anytime any day I'm high twenty four seven, it just it. Within three days if I get a vape, I'm doing it constantly. Yeah, And I don't keep it to just I'm not someone who can just like moderate. So I think smoking weed when I do, when I'm am in those spells of doing it, it just keeps me more honest and it makes me do it less because it is gross. Isn't it crazy? Regarding like fears

of what's going to kill us? That no one was getting like acrylic nails done when we were growing up, really, and that stuff seems so toxic, and were they having like explosions of chemical gases like what they are now, Like, are we really better off now than when we were growing out? Well, yeah, they weren't drinking from plastic water bottles constantly. There's there's going to be new and they

weren't constantly on their phones all the time. Like there are new cigarettes, and sugar wasn't in everything, and corn syrup wasn't every and everything. So yeah, there are other things that are killing us. But and there are things we don't even know that are killing us that we don't even know yet that they're going to kill us twenty years from now, they're gonna be like, guess what, Lacroix bad? Yeah, Lacroix. You know when you drank vitamin water zero and you thought you had no sugar, Well

that's bad. Well we all know aspartame is bad or whatever those fakes sugars are, they're not good. Drink six vitamin water zeros a day, really, well, I'll drink like one. I think I have one with me. I know I saw your back. What is it called? It's a funny, funky flavor. Oh, this is the best flavor of vitamin water, gutsy, it's it's a watermelon peach. Oh that does sound good. Yeah, no, it's good. It's good. It'll kill me. But do you do that instead of water? No, I'll drink I just don't.

I just don't drink enough water either. I don't like water. It's so boring and it like makes my stomach hurt. Wow, that's not normal. I don't like water, I really, unless I'm super thirsty. It really. I struggle with drinking water. So drinking tap water. I mean I have a burkey system that Chris got me. But I just like I have no problem with tap tap water doesn't bother. It's any water. It's just like it is a nuisance to drink. It feels like annoying to have to do it. I'm

never like water. Get your water in in the morning. I wake up, you chug a liter of water and then like, okay, that's my water for the morning. Yeah, like a plant that you like forget to water all week and exactly dump a bucket on. Yes. Yeah, I don't think that's how you're supposed to do. I think you're supposed to sip it all day long. Yeah, I was chure there's a picture of me as a baby, and I'm just like like this with a bottle, like getting the last remnants, like like just chug in a

bah bah. Yeah, I chug everything. I get these extra hot coffees, like a Venti coffee. I can finish an extra hot Venti latte and I'm not joking you. And this is without trying two minutes. Wow, two minutes extra hot. And I got an extra hot, Like get an extra hot so that I slow down because if it was an extra hot I could do it in one sip a whole Venti. We have to tell besties how you get this extra hot feature? Remember we have you just say extra hot and then they just make it matter. Yeah,

they that's it's almost a fee. It's a feature on the app too. You just put an extra hot. Because I don't understand people that get regular drinks without extra hot. If you get tea, that's different because tea is always like so hot because of the hot water. Um, but regular lattes they would get room temperature within two minutes. Yeah, So I don't understand. And people that just sip on regular lattes all day, do you not have a problem

sipping on a room temperature drink. Noah, uh, well, ever since you taught me about this life hack, I just order it extra hot now. But before were you like, oh, it's kind of gross now because it gets compecially immediately, especially if you're picking it up. It's like like on the counter for yes. And that's why I always order them at exactly four minutes before I get there, because it will always be like up within a minute of

what I get there, and it's not sitting there. Um, And that's my cold drinks are always kind of advantageous. But those I sucked down immediately, I mean like they don't stand a chance. I can do them in one sip. I could drink a vitamin water all day long, like the complete cookie. No, I'm saying I could take one bottle and it'll last me all day. What said you had six? That was a joke. I was doing it

for the sipping on it. Yeah, So I'll well, I'll do which is like people might anyone be like, aren't you like starving to death? If the speed you eat and the speed you drink, I don't know something's wrong. But I drink some of it, and then sometimes I'll drink like a quarter of my vitamin water and I'll put it back in the fridge. Oh my god. Yeah, people find that to be insane. Yeah, it really is. And then I'll have a half of vitamin water later. It just like it's like, oh, I can have some

more of this later now. No, I've never understood people that can like save leftovers for later or go, I'm going to have this lunch. I'm feeling a little full. I'll put it away and have the rest of it for dinner. Yeah. Yeah, whatever I'm doing, it's not working. No, it's great. What do you mean, Well, it's not working. I want to I don't feel good. But I don't feel good. Oh no, never, but I do. What do you feel like? Final thought? Why are you feeling bad?

What do you feel? Oh, it's somatic, let's do it totally. I mean, it's psycho smatic, constant pains. But I do save half of vitamin water and that makes it all. Where are your pains everywhere? Really? Yeah? Run this morning? Yeah, so I wanted to say that because it's raining. Yeah, and so I went for a run this morning in

the rain. Because I go for a run in the rain more often than I will on a normal day because I feel like I'm getting something over on the rest of the people in the world who refuse to run in the ring because it's like psychotic to be running in the rain. Yeah, it's dumb and slippery out there, Yeah, where it's uncomfortable. But now I'm running and it's like, yeah, I'm getting it done today, Whereas if it was a sunny day, I'd just feel like I don't want to

go running. So you're doing it as a fuck you and everyone driving by you being like, man, that guy's actually doing it. I'm not doing a good job today. You're trying to make people feel guilty. I'm more motivated to do it when I get that. And you know what, this is what so many people do on Instagram. No one has ever been motivated by a workout you post on Instagram, by the way, anyone posting your little workout or like how much weight you've lost or some stupid achievement.

No one. You've never made someone feel good about. The only person you're making feel good is you. No one's ever been like, Wow, I'm gonna go move my body today because you got in a bunch of reps of what or dumb workout you're doing. It's solely to brag, and it's solely to make other people feel less about themselves, which is a great marketing tool for whatever business you're trying to run. So you're doing the right thing, but

stop pretending motivation. Mondays that you're trying to motivate anyone with your bullshit. You're not. You don't want anyone to look like you. That's what makes you stand out from people. And then they say, I know a lot of people have been telling me that they were inspired to work out because I yeah, because I posted this. They say that I don't know if it's true or not. Well, we all know that a lot of people in celebrities speak is one yes, yes. A lot of people didn't

ask how my drinks are getting extra hot? One person did. But it does become like people are asking, you know, people always I always see people writing like a lot of people asking where I'm gonna be this weekend? A lot of people it's like one person DMJ at most, and they probably weren't even asking that specifically of a question, and you could have written them back. You don't need to tell us all that a lot of people asking and by the way, it's there are a lot of people,

not a lot of people asking. It's just like speak normally. It's just like stop lying and saying a lot of people are asking. No one's asking. A lot of people are asking me, how'd you get so funny? But I just don't understand what when I say a lot of people ask. Sometimes there are things that a lot of

people ask about something, but I generally don't think. There was a girl that we mocked so endlessly in my girl's chat who posted about it's been three years since the pandemic and these are all the things I've gotten done in my life. And it was like, boom, boom boom. Just a list started appearing of like I wrote a book, I sold a book, I got I froze my eggs, I literally I had a baby, I lost twenty pounds, I ran a marathon, and like all this shit, and

it's like, who is this for? Yeah, who is that going to make? First of all, we can't change the last three years of our lives. So unless I've done equally amounts of impressive things, this only makes me feel bad about myself. Yeah, So the only reason this is you're doing this. So when you see someone bragging like that, please know that they are not trying to inspire you. There is not a part of them at all that

is trying to inspire you. There are people on social media that do try to inspire, and they do inspiring things, but the people that post their workouts generally are not trying to We're trying to sell you Alo that those it's always Alo clothing. Yeah, you're always trying to sell you Alo. Oh god, I've never seen one of those videos without someone wearing Alo. Yes, yes, it's always Alo clothing and it's always um I just have you, guys

ever felt motivated by someone bragging on Instagram? It ever made you feel better about yourself? Well, it can make you feel worse about yourself, Yeah, which then makes you motivated that happened to you for working out? Yeah, to close the app? Oh, it makes you motivated to close the app, is what Noah said. But it doesn't it makes me go deeper and go okay, let me go deeper in her feed, tell that motivated you to create your own picture of what you've done since the pandemic,

which was so funny. Yeah, so Carlyle, so I posted this in the girl's shoud of like, who is this for? You? Guys? Who do you think this girl posted this far other than herself to just brag and um. So then Carlisle made one of like all the things like it's been three years since the shutdown, here's everything I got done. And then mine was yeah, and so I made one. Carlisle made one. I won't read Carlisle's just for anonymity's sake, but mine was quite funks was like I've lost ten

thousand strands of hair. Yeah. Mine was really um, you know, lastically like negative and exaggerated. Oh here it is, oh, because so this is the picture oh no, that she posted and it wasn't a picture. It was like her moving around. So I'm not going to show it. But she's just like brag brag, brag, brag all the way down. And so we all did one. I said, it's been three years since blackdown. In that time, I've farted in

public and someone heard it three times. I spent ninety six thousand dollars on an apartment I never set foot in, prayed to God to end my life sixteen hundred and eleven times, burnt my leg with a curling iron and now it's infected. One time learned four chords on the guitar, spent fifteen thousand dollars on a book I never wrote, dressed to go to the gym and never did it, two hundred and three times said fuck you and hung

up on my mom and dad. Twice, eaten four hundred protein bars in bed between the eyes of one am and six am. Actually followed through on two out of seventeen hundred and sixty six creative ideas. That has been my three years of blockdown, and that I feel motivated. I know that I can't even feel better when you share things about yourself that are embarrassing and are real. But sharing your your things that you've accomplished only make people feel worse. And I wish people would stop doing

it so much. And if you need to brag, just say I need to brag. I get in myself and it feels good, like sometimes when I'm depressed, that's a tool I use. Or I'll be like, what did you accomplish today? And then I'll write it down for myself and that feels great. But I'm not going to broadcast it online like hey, dumb fucks at six am. So I ran in the rain this morning, but I didn't post about it. Yeah, I told you because I thought, no,

it was interesting. You can tell your friends you listen, you can tell you You can brag and boast your friends all you want. It's like when you're putting it on your social media, I think that we all are aware that we're all being poisoned by comparison, comparing ourselves to other people. So we need to do our best to bat that. And so when you post something that is really braggy, make sure you like tell the truth

behind it, Like, yeah, that's the way to do it. Cool, I don't I try when I post a really hot picture of myself to let everyone know all the work that went into it and like and to say I'm lucky. These are things I'm lucky that happened. It's not because I'm better than you. And it's like, I think that people really do think they're better than other people. Yeah, most of the time they don't really acknowledge that it's

just luck. Well, you have to post, you know, when you're when you're trying to be in the public sphere, you have to post your accomplishment all the time. Like you always say, like the reason you get these getty images is because you have to put a getty image out there every once in a while too, Yes, to

make people know that you know, they're that you exist. Yeah, yeah, you have to brag, so, like you know, I always think about this because I mean, whenever I have something that I'm like, oh, I want to post about this, I don't know what to put in the caption to not sound like either way, yes, like I'm bragging or Hashtags are a good place to like, let some like steam out, Yeah, where you can go like I hate doing this hashtag this is obnoxious hashtag tons of makeup

hashtag it took a village hashtag We're all gonna die hashtag Like I like to, like remind when you posted that in your last Instagram post where you're taking pictures on the red carpet. Oh yeah, and I said we're all gonna die and we'll all be forgotten some day. Yes, because it really did look like who does she think she is posting this? I posted because not because I'm like, look how hot I look. It's just interesting to see

what that kind of looks like from that angle. And also it's I think it's good to post that so that we know, like what you're up to. Yes, you need to let me. It's part of my job. But I'm not going to deny that. This is all really obnoxious and it looks like I think I'm better than people when I post this stuff. But I truly I hope people know that I don't. There's a lot of guys out there who are able to pull off just being one hundred percent confident and uh, like I'm the

best and that's like and that works for them. Yeah, Like there's there's famous guys who are just like I'm the fucking best. Here's me on the red carpet being the best, and everyone loves them for it. Huh. I

don't think I could pull that off. No, No, I mean red carpets are so embarrassing because you have to be like I look sweet and pose in a way that's like I think I'm great and like put your chin up and like it's you gotta just fake it because but yeah, it does work when confidence is like everything I've been attracted to, like some really disgusting people because of confidence. Yeah, No, confidence is one is maybe the most most import ever. Yeah, and it's not you

know what it's not. It's not necessarily confidence. It's just being comfortable in your own skin and liking yourself. Yeah, it's not like thinking you're better than people. It's just being okay with you and not wanting more from other like not wanting anything more, like not being jealous of other people. Like if you can nail that and really believe that and just be like, I like who I am. You are set. There's nothing there's nothing more anyone should

wish for in life than that ability. But it is so hard. Yeah, no, I always say that about Malala. Yeah yeah, what do you mean? What do you always saying about Maala? That she just like likes who she is? Yeah, yeah, she kind of does. And Greta Thunberg Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, she also likes who she is. Yeah, and um, Lizzo, Yeah, well Lizzo. I don't know, Lizzo. Sometimes I question, I go,

is this performative body acceptance? Because I think at some point women, if you if you ever feel insecure about your body, you can't tell anyone because then you're a bad example for women. So if Lizzo were to have a bad day, she's has to just fake it like she loves herself, and I think she actually does. But I think there are a lot of women that just fake like they love themselves when they don't. And I don't even think that's good for women. Be like, I'm

I had a rough day and she'll post about it. Yes, yeah, yeah, that some really tough time. I love Lizzos so fucking much. I think she is just a gift to the world, and not just with her music. I really do think she's just so inspirational, and yeah, I do believe she really loves herself. All I want to know is who, what did your parents do? Because if I ever be a parent, I want my daughter to have Lizzo's love for herself. But how do you do that? That comes

from parenting? Yeah? Yeah, Like I always was like, what what did Lizzo's parents do? What did Taylor's Swift's parents do? Well, that's what Adam Sandler's parents did. What did Adam sayes? Exactly? That's it. That's it man. Okay, we gotta go. Thank you for the shows this week. Everyone, We really got to it. Um. I will be in Bethesda. Um is that right? Bethesa bethela Yeah, Bethela in Pennsylvania next week.

Um Hampton, New Hampshire at the casino next week and then off to um uh Tucson and one other place too. I forget, but I'm on but David's maid, which I'm going over to his place right now just shoot a promo video. So, UM, I guess I gotta put on the makeup or something. Um. Thank you guys so much for listening to the podcast this week. Um, we'll be I'll be back in Saint Louis next week and we'll have a pod next week. Oh, no pod next week. We're taking a break because we're done with season two

right something yeah, something like that. Okay, so season three of the podcast will begin soon, but we will be off next week. But don't you think we won't be back, because we will. Love you guys so much. Thank you for listening. Uh, don't Beka just be like Lizza.