#301 I Approve Of Myself

as much anymore. Do you feel do you feel the dryness happening? I definitely am the way less hornier than I was in my twenties. That's it. That's like I feel crazy because of it, because it just feels I just it's too soon for that to start. I want to be I I don't know. I still get get you know what. I got horned up by like some certain things. I sometimes feel like a man because I rarely am just like so turned on by something that it inspires me to do something. But once in a

while it gets me. Okay, have you been watching White Lotus? I have not been, but I hear it's very sexy. God, Okay, you're gonna love it so much. I'm excited for you to see it. It's just beautifully shot. It's written by this guy who just like he just gets women. I don't know. It just feels feminist and it's creepy. But it's beautiful and all the actors are so good except

for a couple. I won't name names, but just like I didn't name names for the dahm Er thing, but some people guessed who I thought was the worst actor ever because it was so glaringly bad. Um, No, pretty much everyone's a good actor on White Lotus And who am I to say? Because I would probably be the weakest link on there, But I want to get on season three. I think I'm just well known enough, but not known enough to get on there anyway. They're a

gie ony theo James. You want to give him a little goog He's I feel bad like I. It's it's it's it's a lot like the thing, like the show alone. When I said, I was watching that with Chris and I was so attracted to that guy Clay that I had to tell Chris because I just felt like it was the elephant in my pants. Like it was just every time he came on screen, I would be like, oh God, he's so hot, and I just felt like I was almost like not cheating, but like I had

to share it with him. Like there's something emotional that happens when you're like have a crush on someone on TV that feels like I just want to share it with my partner. That's so much of TV watching was to be like, oh my god, he's so even if it was like I try to um, because if you white watch why Lotus, most people do um, No, you're you're, you're, you're out of the loop. Um. But there's a girl

on there too that's a h L prostituto. That's not the Italian for it, but she's a prostitute and or sex worker and um, Lucia Lucia, and she is so hot and much like CEO James, whenever she comes on screen, I'm like, oh my god. But Theo James, there's something about a extremely hot douchebag character that like really gets me. And I was trying to like look at pictures of him.

First of all, he has no Instagram, so there's no way to see, Like I just wanted to get like footage of him to like I was eventually gonna end up watching like hardcore porn, but like I wanted to like maybe grease the wheels because I've just been He's just the hottest thing I've seen in a really long time. Um, besides my fucking boyfriend. But you know, the thing that I saw that I don't have with me, and that you know, adds a little bit of like, oh, just

more desire to it. And he um, he has no presence online and he's kind of like an unknown and he uh yeah that he's that he has no Instagram is so hot. His Instagram him People must think it's him because it's got like two hundred something thousand followers. But it's made by a fan, and I know most people that follow him, I think it's him, But it's not official. It's not it doesn't have a blue check mark.

It's called THEO James Official. But all of the captions it's definitely by a fan because the captions are like, um, it says like my DearS in three days. It's just a picture of him like wistfully sitting by a thing he would never owe. Another one is life is not the days that have passed, but those that are remembered. It seems like he's writing these captions, so hundreds of thousands of people think this guy is worse than his character, and his character is scummy. I don't know what it is.

The other guy that did this to me, the only one in the past on a TV show is and I'm watching it again. I'm rewatching Veep is Dan's character on Veep, and it's another character that is just a rapscallion is never to be trusted, will never love one woman, will always cheat, And I don't really want these people to like love me. But it was funny. I was sharing with my friends on the chat that THEO James. I was like, oh my god, the guy in White Lotus is so fucking hot, and all of them were like,

he's too hot. I wouldn't I couldn't be with someone that hot. And I'm like, what do you mean and they're like, I need him to have like discolored teeth or something like a crooked like a scar or you know, big ears. Something needs to offset him so that I know other women won't like that. Everyone doesn't want him. It would drive me crazy to think everyone wanted him, whereas I was like, it would drive me fucking crazy. It would be like so hot to think everyone wanted him,

and I'm like, I got him. That made me feel amazing. What do you think, like, Chris, Yes, I see you to him all the time. And Chris is just kind of like you're just saying that so you can get away with saying he's hot. But I'm like, no, he does look like you. Um, it's like dark features. Um. A picture that made me super horned up lately. Yes, please, you posted a photo of you and Esther Pavitski at the awarding and you you're holding her hand and she

looks like it's like dumb and slave. It was so it's so I was that was so fun to the People's Choice Awards last night. It came up out of sucking nowhere. Um, over the weekend, things always come up last minute for me. So grateful that someone thought to plug me into this show because it was so much fun. But um, I presented for Best Late Night Hosts, which is a really cool a word to present. And I love going to these awards shows because you see crazy,

big celebrities. You get to like walk amongst them. Um, red carpets are always fun. Um you get to see cool performances, which I didn't get to see. Shania Twain performed, and I love her. I watched her documentary and I'm just so obsessed with her journey and like just how powerful she is and just um, she writes all her own songs and her voice is just cool and she worked so fucking hard to get where she is. That's that.

Shania Dock is pretty Uh, you can tell she had a heavy hand, and it doesn't really delve into her divorce, which is super interesting because he cheated on her with her best friend and then she ended up marrying the guy who was used to be married to her best friend because they both got cheated on and started hanging out like God, our partners are together, and then they ended up together so good, but they barely touched on that.

And she also had lime disease and like it fucked up her voice, like all of her vocal cords and like, you know, lime disease fox with you neuro logically, and so much of singing is neurological, like it's just your brain doing stuff that you can't really even you don't even know how or why it's happening. So anyway, Um, she sounded great last night she performed, but my person I was presenting like forty minutes after she performed, so they pulled me backstage. I was seated in the audience

at first, and I missed. I was like backstage in this little holding tent where Heidi Klum was there, and um, trying to think of who else, little rel some housewives. Um, but it was so I got asked to do this, and then I was like Chris was flying back from l A. He was there for a couple of days after I moved out. So I moved out to l A, came back here. I supposed to have some time off, and then I got I know, and then it is one of those things where they ask and you kind

of go, I wish this would have not been. I wish they didn't think of me, because now I have to do it. I have to do this because it's such a cool opportunity. You can't say no, but I do want the time off. You know. It's like when your friend has a party or something. You just want

the night off. But you're like, well, it's I gotta go to this party, like you just do you relate to that of like, I gotta go because it's going to be a good experience, but god, I don't want to and I just want to sleep, and I didn't want to go back to l A and travel, and I just I've been feeling like uncomfortable in my own body a little bit, and I just didn't want to go to a fitting because everything is always so tight and so nice. Whenever it's tight, they're just like, yeah,

this is a weird designer. They make things like super like the sizes are all different, and like, honestly, this is a dumb garment, Like they shame the garment. It's so nice. They're always like you, we don't even like this. It would never have worked. I hate this color. They always it clearly is like I'm not the size I used to be and they were taking a gamble. But then they always make it the dress's fault and I love them for it. What was your question? Did you

okay your outfit? Let's talk about it was a lavender dress? Was that a tribute to Taylor Swift? No, I didn't even think to put lavender Hayes as my caption for the pictures until my second post because a bestie, I think a bestie wrote me like, this is your Lavender Hayes moment, and I go there. I was searching through bejeweled lyrics to try to find something that like resonated with the look, and then Lavender Hayes is staring at me the whole time. Um. It was the first dress

I tried on. When I was the second, there was a couple of things that didn't sit, um, a boostier thing, but there was the second thing I tried on. I was drawn to it. It reminded me of something Porsche would wear on white Lotus. If you're watching it, Yeah, it was like this, it's balm and I've never worn bomb me. I think it just to say like a bomb and ball men um, and it was like tweed And yeah, it was totally a tailor swift moment. I

didn't even think about that. It felt like I felt young in it, you know, it felt like a young look. And there were some other looks that I was dying for. I mean they you we usually go through about ten to twenty looks in a fitting and then we always know like kind of which one is the one like it's just so easy to choose, But this time it was ironic because I went into the fitting being like, guys, I really don't like my body right now. I'm I'm

just being honest with you. Don't try to like tell me that I'm the same, so I know I'm not. I'm not used to being this feeling this way. I'm about to start my period today tomorrow, and um, so I felt like nothing was going to feel right. And then there were four things that I was like, I could wear any of these, but you also kind of don't know how it's good, how how other people are

gonna be dressed. You don't want to be overdressed. I also wasn't nominated for a word I'm presenting one, so I don't want to get too sparkly, like this is my night. So I settled on a fun dress and it was just totally glammed out on my GLAMs. So my fitting was at twelve in the afternoon. I wouldn't

got my nails done in eleven. That was worthless because I put on this sparkly number and I couldn't get it off, so I had to like claw at it and then all my nails got just like you know when they're like dry and they just those gummy streaks you get in them, and you're just like, that was just a waste of my fucking hour. And and he just waited in that saloon and there was this woman talking on her fucking speaker phone so loud it was so annoying. Um But anyway, uh so my day started

like a ten forty five. I stayed in bed until then. I was like, I've been listening to these um mantra meditations by Louise Hay and they're all over YouTube. She's dead now, but she does these meditations where she has you do positive reinforcement. I think I've talked on the show before about her. What she says is that if you are grateful for the things that the world is giving you, why would the world ever keep giving you gifts?

If you every year gave a gift to someone and they said I don't like it, it's not good enough, would you keep giving that person gifts? So you must be grateful for what you have. And so she also believes in subliminal message. So I've been playing these as I go to sleep because I've just been having some like self esteem issues rearing up lately, and this one has really helped me. And it's I approve of myself, and I just say I approve of myself all day long.

I approved it just in my head, I approve of myself. I approve of myself. And if you say it eight hundred to times a day, just like in your head, I approve myself. I've proved myself, proven myself to proven myself. Just whispering it to yourself or not even say, but just like saying it in your head, it starts to fucking work. And it doesn't even have to mean anything

to you. Like I said so many times another day, it started just to sound like approve myself like an a PRONAMU self an apronymus Like it didn't sound like anything, And I'm like, how is my brain even gonna know that that means I approve of myself. But um, it has worked for me. And I don't know why I didn't come up with this earlier, because I cured my back injury on Dancing with the Stars by saying I'm

strong and prepared. This is easy, So why wouldn't I just say I approve of myself and it's just a perfect thing to do because it's not like I am beautiful. You can do anything like things that I'm kind of like rolling my eyes. I approved myself. It's not asking much, so I've been just repeating I approved myself over and over and um, and it worked and I felt really Um. I almost wanted to tag Louise Hey and my pictures to be like and confidence by Louise Hey, like r

I P bitch. So if you ever anyone's feeling low put on just go to YouTube and type in Louise Hey and she has meditations or like little speeches for like anything you're struggling with. It's pretty great. Um And then um, did you like something there? Yes, Oh my god, it was so nice. Because so I got a plus one, which is actually controversy today because Chris shell Strauss, who is nominated, did not get a plus one. So I guess if you're nominated, you don't get a plus one.

But if you're presenting, you're actually part of the show. But if you're nominated you unless you win, you're not a part of the show. But I got a plus one, which is a coveted thing. Who knew um and I was like struggling with like who to invite, Like, I just wanted someone who would appreciate all the celebs, someone who would be low maintenance, someone who would be good arm candy, all the things and um and Chris. I was like asking Chris, like who should I take? Because

this is I don't want to waste it. But I also don't necessarily need to go with anyone. If there's not someone that's a good fit, I can totally be fine on my own. And he was like, what about Esther Fitzky And he's never really even met Esther, but he just knows that I like yearn for her to be like closer to her, And man, it was the best choice because I wrote her. She was down, she had to go get COVID tested, she had to like you know, get a cute outfit and all the stuff.

So it's like a lot of work and she was my plus one and we walked the red carpet together and it was just so perfect because man, I just wish everyone had someone like Esther in their life. I think, God, I have so many girlfriends like this that are just don't say anything shady, they're just completely nice and honest and easy, easy, easy, easy, And I don't think I don't think that many girls have this in their lives.

Like she's just a stable person who has a lot of confidence and that confidence, but she just like talking about accepting herself. She's Louis Louise Hay the ship out of herself. Like she's someone I really looked to for advice when I'm going through stuff because she just she loves herself in a healthy way. She's so funny, she just is who she is. She also so we rocked the red carpet and we're walking out and it was

kind of like do we do with this alone? And I was like, let's do a few alone and then I was like, but let's go together. And then we were like can we hold hands? And I was like yes, let's like create buzz who knows. And it just felt so good to be with a friend. And I I always bring friends with me on the carpet when I can, because these photographers, I mean, esther is a big deal. She's on um doll face that show. She's had her own show on Uh that I was on that she

put me in. Thank God. It was so nice of her. Um called together alone together, yes, and um, she's just done a ton of stuff. If you don't follow follow esther monster on um, Instagram and TikTok, you're crazy. She's I was just like I couldn't get enough of her. I went home last night and just kept watching her on TikTok and I was like, she's so amazing and um, yeah, we decided to hold hands and it just felt safe and good and low stress, like she didn't need any caretaking.

I wasn't like having to make sure she didn't feel like she wasn't feeling special enough because she some people didn't know her name on the red carpet or whatever, like they only knew my name because there was like a sign with it with a woman like taking me through because I was a presenter, you know. But there was no ego involved. She doesn't have any There's nothing like that and that can be rare to find in

a a female industry friend. Um, and I just loved her for it was so nice and yeah, we just were like freaking out about celebrities. I put it on the Instagram. Olivia Wild just suddenly appeared out of nowhere. It was like seeing a like Bambi she is so stunning. She's just as like beautiful as you'd want. She did not have hair extensions, in which I respected. I definitely did. Let me just say my my whole thing of like never doing hair extensions again because I wanted to like

normalize having normal hair. That's gone, okay, just no, I want to keep you guys, I want to keep it honest. No one, no one is not wearing hair extensions, including me. I am wearing. I had so much of some woman's hair. I don't know where she is. She had a great life though, because it was so conditioned and so beautiful and silky, and I just kept feeling it all night long. And it's gone now and now it feels so coarse.

But I'm back on the extension train. It was so fun to have them, and it's like who cares, you know. But I did see a girl getting the one kind that you have the other day at the salon. Noah. It's like such an intense she was like getting her head sewed into. It's honestly, it's worth the It's it's not even painful. It's just like a little bit of discomfort. It's worth it. Though. Have you ever thought of doing

clippings because they're so fucking easy. Um well, I had clippings before this, and I thought they were hard to maintain. I just want something like more permanent and unless worry about it. Yeah yeah, like these last way longer than the clippings and all that stuff easier to manage. I can't do the last extensions either, where they just grow out. I just anything that's like stuck to the thing, I get nervous. I just want to be able to take it out. Then tonight I like strip lashes. I peeled

them off. Chris thinks they're little bugs all over the house every single time. I also got a spray tand I mean I was faked up my spray tan. It was so funny. The next day Chris was like, do you have a handprint on you? Because he came over to like rub my back because I was feeling sick the other day and um, he came over to rob it back and he showed me his hand and it looked like you know, like when people like vote in foreign countries and they're like they have like their hands staying.

I don't know. There's an episode of Veep where they like voted in their thumbs were green. His hand was staying brown on his palm and it looked like, um, I don't know what it looked like. It looked he had brown, he had black hand, um, and he could have been canceled. Although I think black people's hands are actually like lighter colored, like on their pumps. So I don't even know what he had. But he was like

the mark. He was like, I can't get it off, and I'm like, it's gonna be about three days, babe, it sloughs off. UM, But yeah, I was faked up. We'll talk more about the peoples choice towards because I've got more to say right after this. And we're back. So we get through the red carpet. We go to our seat. I am seated at a table. It's just me and esther, but the um, we're seated right next

to the housewives. So there's like Kathy Hilton, Lisa, Renna, Crystal uh I forget her last name, mink Goff, Crystal mink Goff something. Um, I should know her name because she's my favorite, and we used to we hosted an E show one day, or co hosted, and she was really nice to me. UM. And then one of some of the other ones. I don't care about the Housewives. I never have. I've never followed it, but my mom, I know, would have freaked out. Um it was a shot.

They were like in the table right next to you, right next to us. You can here exciting should I we could hear them, but I don't think they were. I wasn't trying to hear them, actually I was. We're mostly just like whispering about our lives, me and esther and like just talking about like we're really catching up, as you know. Ryan Reynolds was like accepting an award. We would be like I'd be like, so, like are

you still into podcasting? Like how do you feel about and like what do you think I should do on TikTok? Like we were just talking about like like we were just in the back of a school bus and Ryan Reynolds is like crying about his family or whatever. Um, yeah, I like running Ryan Reynolds a lot. He's a class act. Lizzo also class act her her award. She like got a bunch of time and she gave it all to these like women that are all running organizations to help

with women. And it was like she and they were like thirty twenty five of them, and she went through each of them and give a biography. And these are women that like everyone's like, everyone's clapping, but like really, this is like people want star power, and so I know that Alizzo did something where she could. They were like, we're gonna give you an icon award and she's like, the only way I'll except this is if you let me give time to these women. Because this was unheard.

I've never seen people who are not celebrities celebrated for so long and like a big I mean it was probably six minutes of her just reading off people's bios of like this woman removed land mines from an area, this person fights for transgender rights. But you would give like a detail, bigraphy and there's this whole robe women, so you're kind of counting, like, oh my god, we're gonna want long to go. It was awesome and um

and you could tell. So then Lizzo later on accepted an award for the best Song of the Year or whatever, and she comes out and because she didn't use her icon a word time to like sing, which they probably wanted her to do a song. And she was like no, I'm gonna do this instead, either to take it or leave it. They could probably go, okay, we'll take it. I think she gave them a little bit of a song because at her expectance speech, she was like she

gave she sang a little bit. She's saying acapella and it was amazing. She's saying this staring banner, just kidding, um, just getting and um. So I just like, like looking at the politics of everything. And then Ryan Reynolds his speech. If you listen carefully, he name drops his production company like eighteen times, even though it's all about like we need to come together, but you know, Moonlight Ride, we're

doing amazing things. Like he would just kept saying as dumb production company over and over and maybe they are doing great things, but like everyone has a bottom line, they're all trying to make money, but Lizzo was not. Lizzo was just actually using her time for good and I thought it was really cool and the people's champion. She is a people's champion. She's fucking awesome And I just loved watching her video montage made me like cry, what was that? What was it like to see her

in person? She was so far away that it felt like I'm more intimate with her on TikTok, you know what I mean, Like she's more close up, like I see her asked temples every single day I see her, Like her side feels like it is like wrapped around my head every day because it's so close up, so from far. Even in the same room as her, I will say that she's just I don't know, I'm just excited. I was excited to be in the same room as her, but um and I was excited to hear her sing

that little bit. She's just got an amazing voice. But then there was this one woman who sang Lauren Conrad Spencer I think that's her name. She sang a song called Oh God, what's the the sweatsuit? Yes, stressed like Billie Eyelash Elash, Billie Eilish, Billy she Yeah, she was. She was Billy fake eyelash and um no. I saw

her on the red carpet. I was like, who's this kind of like Billie Eilish wanna be And then all of a sudden, she has like the most amazing voice, and she has this song called Fingers Crossed, So it's all about like I wish you said you love me without your fingers crossed. It's so good and I instantly esther. Came back to the table from the bathroom and the s girl was singing. She goes, who is this? And I go, I just looked up on Spotify. I'm adding

her now, this is incredible. So I love discovering that new artist. Um. At one point, Heidi Klum walked by my table and like bumped into my chair in a way that it shook me. But I didn't think anything of it because we're really like all kind of crowded into this section where all the tables tables are. And then I heard excuse me, sorry, and I'm like and I turned around, I'm like, oh my god, it's Hykling

just said sorry. Like she's good in my book the rest to my life because she apologized to me when she didn't need to. I wouldn't have even been like, who's that bitch bumping into me? I just was like on my phone and didn't care. But she made a point to be like, I'm sorry, excuse me, Um you are out and then um oh, and then I saw her backstage after I had said clean slate, like that girl can do no wrong. She could spit in my face and I'd still be like, she's a good person.

She Um, I left my purse like on this couch backstage in this like holding area, and I had to go to the bathroom. I went and like you know, took care of business, and I came back and my I felt so bad because she had moved to the couch I was, my purse was on, and you could tell she kind of like moved it to the side so she could sit, so my person was just like taking up a seat. When I left, there was like no one in the room, and then all of a sudden,

she's like sitting next to my person. I could tell she had to like touch it. Sometimes I feel like so burdened when like people have to like touch and move my things, like she probably was wearing like a lip glass would fall out or something. And I felt so bad that she even had to like look at my purse, even though it was beautiful and expensive, and I had to give it back and I was very

worried I was gonna spill bronze are in it. Um. But then I went up and I go, oh my god, I'm so sorry, and like moved it, and she looked at me very confused, and I go, okay, we're back to We're back to net zero. Like she just like whatever goodwill I had given her, I was like taking it away. But she was very personal. She was making eye contact with people and smiling and being like they're like hi, Hello, Hi, like she's and she looked stunning.

And then Chris Jenner. Yes, I'm glad you bring up Chris Jenner, because I was gonna say, um, Heidi Quim's dress looked really hard to manage, but I think Chris Jenner, if you give a prize for like the most unmanageable dress, it was really Chris Jenner. I didn't even see her dress well, apparently when I got up to go backstage to the holdings area before I presented esther said that Chloe and and Chris sat at our table with us, and I missed it because I was in the bag.

I missed Shanaya and I missed sitting at the same table as Chloe and Chris. And she said that Chloe and Chris did not look to make eye contact with anyone, like with her or anyone, so I think they're so used to like everyone wanting something from them, they probably just shut off eye contact and like avoid it. Because I found that if you don't make eye contact with people, you don't have to talk to them. That's how people have an ind where they go, oh hi, you know,

they wave. But if you just kind of avoid it, you can get away with like I just didn't see you. But then I was walking back to my seat and Chris Jenner was crossing kind of in the backstage area and I saw her and I go, I love you, and she goes, oh, hi, hi, and like kind of and we almost like had a moment and like talked. She definitely knowledged me, definitely said hi, and it was thrilling. And then a camera caught it and I go, did you catch that? Please? Will you send me that footage?

So the footage is out there somewhere of me freaking out um, And then we went to I did my part. I flubbed a line like right away. It was so scary because I walked out on stage. There was no rehearsal. By the way, They're just like, here's your mark. Walk there. They're very you know, tell you exactly where to go and how to stand and whatever. But I walk up and my my speech, what I'm to say, is not

on the prompter. It's just blank. And I'm walking and then all of a sudden, the laughter or the clap clapter claps dies down and there's still nothing on things. So I am panic mode, and then all of a sudden it comes up, and I'm so like overwhelmed by having to like I was about to just start and go, well, there's nothing on the prompter, but I'm gonna wing it listen every night, like I was getting ready to just go into that, and then all of a sudden it

showed up. Because so it kind of like made me, uh stumble over my words a little bit, but I always stumble in these scenarios, Like I don't mind it. It's never really come back to bite me. It's never made me feel like I'm a failure. I don't like, I don't walk away from it being like I sucked it up, like I'm never gonna work again, which I think I used to be like. But I think every time I presented an award, which has been maybe twice,

I have stumbled over the lines. And I'm good at reading teleprompter, but it just I don't know, I didn't get a chance to practice it enough or whatever. It was fine, but then um, and then that was over and I was like, good to go. And then Esther and I watched the rest of the show and then we went to the after party where we hung out with Um. No, David wasn't there. It was pre taped.

So if you see the video of me on Betches that I posted on my Instagram and it's David presenting to Adam Sandler, it cuts to me and you could hear me whispering to or telling Esther full volume. This was pre taped, and so you like, right, we saw my face up on the screen and I go, oh no, like thank god, no one could. You can't really read my lips. But if you watch it again, you will totally know what I'm saying. This was pre taped because I saw it. Um, David was either nominated or something,

and I was like, are you gonna be there? And he was like no, And so I think Sandler wasn't available, so they had to. But it was so funny because the in the place where the wards were it was like it was in an airplane hangar, so it wasn't like a typical like seating. Then we're all facing one direction. There were rewards being presented all around us. So when David came up on screen, people were like looking for like what stages he on, Like it took about thirty

seconds to realize, like, oh, he's not here. Um. The funniest thing though, was that the one of the biggest applause moments in the whole show was when someone casually mentioned Taylor Swift. They were like artists like Ed Sheer and Taylor Swift, like and then Taylor Swift and people fucking lost their minds, like she was there, and like this is the power of this woman? Is that just the mention of her name. She wasn't there, There was

no way she would be there. It was like someone listing a bunch of artists, and but people still like freaked out, and it just made me, Uh, it made me happy. But also like, oh, I can tell how annoyed everyone is with Taylor Swift fans, Like people are just kind of like I've been seeing a lot of people just I guess I saw esther post something last night on on TikTok, and she was she was She had posted something on TikTok about evidence that she's or things about her that make her a pick me girl,

but that she's not actually a pick me girl. Do you know what to pick me girl is? Pick me girl? It's it sounds like I'm saying pig me. A pick me girl is like a girl that's like me, me, me, me me, like look at me, like, oh my god, I hate the word moist. Oh my god, I'm always cold or like just trying to get attention, like a girl that's just desperate and like trying to be quirky and doesn't really have that much going for her otherwise, so she has to come up with the little things

that make her interesting. So Esther was like doing this really funny list on TikTok, I really recommend following her. And I'm not even into TikTok, but I'm about to be. I'll get to that a second. And um, but Esther. One of Ester's was like, I have small feet. I know that seems like a pick me girl thing because anytime it comes up people, it seems like I'm trying to get attention because they're very small. I'm a women's

size five. Like it's just the way it is, and um, she's like and then her other one was like, I don't really like Taylor Swift and that's almost like a pick me girl thing of being like, I'm different than other girls. I don't like Taylor Swift. And she was like, I know, it sounds like a pick me girl thing.

I just don't have that much enthusiasm for her. But it was really cute because I was like, I had just been with her, and she was like, I don't know, I'm not one of these girls that when someone mentioned Taylor Swift, I like get really excited and I was like, oh my god. She she filmed this, like, you know, weeks ago. But then she was with me all night. Anytime Taylor was mentioned, I was like, oh my god, wait, so wait, what's your favorite song? Like what, so what

are you thinking about? Like what's the next album? Like I was being that all night long, and um, it is obnoxious and I, um, I admit to it. So the after party was cool though, because it was chill, it was there weren't a lot of big celebs there. It was just like low key, it wasn't super loud and um, so we just ended up esther and I talked for a little bit, like alone, and we just got to like hang. It was so fun. I love

a good girl. Hang. All I want to do is it in a corner with my girlfriends and talk about life and like real things and like sex and feelings and not even sex, Like we just talked about feelings and our issues and I don't know, it's just awesome. I just I feel so bad for men. They never have those conversations, but I think they're they're they're almost like the way Esther feels about Taylor Swift, like good. I don't want to have those. But uh, Nick Vile

was there from The Bachelor. He's an old friend of mine, so it was so good to see him and his girlfriend and um he it was yeah. I love running into him and it had been a while. And then he was He Wells from The Bachelor in Paradise was also there with his wife, Sarah Highland from Modern Family, and she was so cool because when they came and joined us, and then there was this other girl with them who was just so I mean, I can't I

don't even understand where these people come from. Apparently this woman latched onto Wells and Sarah at the show and then they were kind of shuttle bus is going to the party, and she demanded to get in their ride, not even their bust their car, like their car service, and she's like, I'm just gonna go with you guys. Is that cool? Like and didn't really give them an option. She's some drunk girl that's like claiming to be like a high powered lawyer and just talks the entire way.

She comes over to our table and she's like, I know who you are. She sidles up next to me. Then she's like, oh my god, I know who you are. Your esther, she's she's she knows who everyone is. Then she says to Nick, she's like my friend in front of Nick's girlfriend. It's just like, no one wants to hear this. My friend actually dated you and said you were so dumb. But the truth is she's dumb, Like you're one of the smartest people ever. I watch you and she was like, he's so boring, And I was like,

none of this needs to be said. Why Why do people do this where they go, where they they How do people not know that sharing something that someone else said about this person is not going to win you points with this person. People do it to me all the time. My fucking wife hates you, but I think you're so funny or like. That doesn't feel good. It don't make me think you're cooler. It doesn't give you any points to tell me how much someone else doesn't

like me. It happens all the time, though, And I wanted to fucking punch this woman when she was like, but seriously, you're one of the smartest men ever. And my friend is like, and I go, first of all, you're a bad friend when you're talking about your friend and how dumb she is. And secondly, she's one of these girls too, who like needs to tell people they're so smart, like you're so intelligent, like I know, like

because I'm smart. Oh she was the worst and um and then yeah, oh wait, hold on, So you were just talking about how you had this wonderful time sitting in the corner with esther, and then a couple of other people joined and you're still having a great time, and then it all it takes that one toxic person to come and then you guys have to kind of like disperse to get rid of her. Yeah, it's like a fly, like it takes a couple of swats like not mean, but like it's going to take a little bit.

I know enough now that these people aren't gonna stay forever because I'm not a push over anymore and I really won't tolerate that anymore. And I don't think anyone else at the table was really going to tolerate it past a moment, like a certain like minute, I think we all would have like gotten her out of there. But it was like I just felt bad for this woman, like how does she exist in life where she thinks

everything's about her? And then she hands Nick her phone and was like, you need to take a picture of me and Nikki, And I go, okay, professor because she kept taking so smart, I was like, Professor, take a picture of us, since she's already insulted him, but also, you know, blanketed it with like I know you're so smart. My friend is an idiot, but she thought you were really dull. It's just like you are the fucking worst. And then she was like I wouldn't say her friend's

name so he couldn't be like who was this? She was just sucked. But then out of nowhere, this woman sitting next to me, Sarah Highland who has just sat down across the table, who I had said high to on the red carpet. But we don't know each other, and I don't know if she knows me. I definitely know who she is. She's the oldest daughter in modern family. I've been following her for some time. I think she's like so funny and cute and um. And I knew she was married to Wells, and Wells I knew from

before he was on the Bachelor. I remember going to a radio station in Nashville to just promote my Zany shows, probably ten years ago, eleven years ago, and he was this hot DJ that had like a bulldog, and I remember being like, oh my god, Wow. Usually they're not like this attractive. So I noted him, and then when he showed up on the batch, I was like, I know that guy. So anyway, Mary, Sarah and I since

I had to Sarah on the red carpet. Um. But then at the after party, she she's just sitting across the table. We had just kind of said hello, but this woman is sitting next to me, still talking, and she just comes over. She was Nikki, I have to tell you something. Oh my god, you're gonna freak out, and she was like, hold on, I have to tell Nikki something. So she sits down next to me and like leans over me, and it's like a girl, it is so good to see you. I have been dying

to tell you, like seriously, you're gonna die. Like she's such obviously such a good actress, but this girl did not feel like it was it was. It wasn't obvious. It was so real. And also I was like, are we best friends? Like she was think it's so hard

and like kind of laying all over me. I was like, this is my night of like trying out being gay, like just girls are like holding hands and this girl like flapping over me and like just like I don't have girlfriends that are super touchy feeling like a girl like and she was like playing that way, and I was like, oh my god, we're best friends. But she saved me. It was awesome and I was like, you are incredible. Me and Esther were both like that was

the smoothest move. So then the girl kind of left and then um and then we would just started talking to Sarah and man, she had such great stories. I can't get into them because but man, I was like I just got to ask questions that I've always wanted to ask of like someone who's been in the business for a while, of like who she's been around, people who have since been canceled, who I know she has probably been on their shows or worked with and she

was just telling amazing stories. It was like, I don't know, it was just so I want that girl to write a book someday. She's really smart, really funny, and I was just very impressed and made a new friend. And you're just kind of sitting there going like is this real? Like is this person really someone that would like be my Like, how am I going to see this person? I don't know I should, but it felt it felt real.

And this is what I kind of like about these nights is that I was telling us here like it just makes you realize how small all of this is and how it's kind of like a high school play, Like we're all just putting on a production and being like everything's perfect here presenting the next award, Like we're using this voice and we're on the red carpet like Hi, I've went to fake hair. It's like it's all we're playing.

We're playing pretend we're playing movie stars. Like nothing. It's just as fake as if you were trying to pretend to be that. You know what I'm saying, Like there's and everyone's just wants to be loved and seen and feel beautiful. And it's not much different than my twenty

year reunion. It felt kind of the same, and her cheet to be honest, and really it was like it just there are certain people though, that have this aura you're like, oh my god, like Shania Twain, like I just didn't even want to be I just didn't want to get in her way. Heidi Klum same way, where you're just like I don't want them to have to waste any energy on me because they're just so busy and so precious. Um. But it was a really fun night and I'm glad that I did. I couldn't sleep

last night. I got home and uh, I was on the way home and I have not been able to like really sing Midnight's in a car alone. Um, And I have. I've had in St. Louis, like a couple of days where I've been able to put my air pods in, But singing with your air pods in, you don't get to hear your voice with the music. And my mom's car that I drive does not have a way for me to play the music on this system. So last night she, this woman was my driver, and I was just like, can I put on my music

and do you mind if I sing? And I just sang the funk out of songs. It felt so good. And I got home and I was like, God, I wouldn't played guitar so badly. It sucks. Why didn't I bring my guitar? Always bring your guitar and always. I walked to the lobby to pick up my food that I had ordered and there's a guitar sitting there and I go, can I bring this to my room? And they go, no, but we have ones you can rent. So I got to rent a tiny baby Taylor guitar and take it up to my room and make sweet

sweet love to it. No, definitely, whatever I had to do it Um. It didn't like. UM, it became a worst guitar from what I did do it, but um, and then returned it this morning. I was like, that's just a cool thing to have. UM. Because I was like, what am I gonna do? And I just I couldn't sleep last night, partly adrenaline, part partly just my times being so fucked up. Um, and I don't know what to do. I have an audition, that's do. It was due Monday and it's Wednesday, and I was supposed to

do Um. I was supposed to have it in Monday, and I told him I would. And it's for a role in a movie where I would play the wife and the guy cast as the husband. Role is like one of my favorite like actors where it'd be like, oh, this would be a dream to like get to work with this person and like just look at them up close and maybe even like fake kissed them. Did you hear Margot Robbie like asked to kiss Brad Pitt? And yeah, I don't care. And everyone's like, what if the roles

were reversed? Can you imagine? Well, you know what, fuck you shut up? Listen the reason why you can't do this all the time where you go like there were the roles were reversed if Brad Pitt editor Stune, Yeah, it would be more predatory. You know why, because Brad Pitt is a man who can hold women down and make them feel uncomfortable and she's a light little woman. And yeah, I definitely know that women can make men feel sexually uncomfortable. I've seen it happen before. I am

disgusted by it. I am very outspoken about it. But I don't think Margot Robbie being like I think those news are kissing. I don't think that really inconvenience Brad Pitt single Brad Pitt too much. But everyone's like playing like ohlipped around. The reason why you can't do that with everything is because men can hold you down and rape you. Women can't. Women aren't strong enough to incapacitate

a man. And that's why you don't get to flip all these scenarios and be like, well if a man did that, if a man did that, or if a woman did that to a man, he'd push her off. If a man did that to a woman, we can't push you off. That's what it comes down to. And I know that Noah does jiu jitsu. Is she could do a body slam roll and flip you off and no matter how big you are, but most women are not like that. So that is the difference. Come at me. Um, So, yeah,

I gotta get this audition in. But I just I don't know. Auditioning is so awkward. I don't know how to do it right. Giving me tips last night? Can can you talk about how you got the Backstreet Boys thing? Because you have to audition for that, you talk about acting? No, I don't get I don't know audition for anything because it never goes well for me. I've auditioned every I've never booked anything I've auditioned for ever. I repeat, I

have never booked anything I've auditioned for. How many auditions have I been on my life? Hundreds of guys, hundreds rejection after rejection. No, just you don't even hear back, no callbacks. I'm not I don't even get callbacks. And that's like, I'm just bad at auditioning. I get nervous. I'm not my best self, so I wait for people to put me in things I had to get famous other ways where people go, oh, you would be great in this role, and once I get it, I'll fucking

kill it. But I'm not going to be good at auditioning for it. I auditioned for train Wreck for the role that was written for me called Nikki, and I didn't even get that. And Vanessa big Bear got it and she definitely deserved it over me. But this is the kind of thing I'm talking about, so UM, I don't normally audition anymore. This is the one I'm talking about today. I'm only doing it because the actor in it. I'm just like this, you can't not throw your hat

in the fucking ring. So um. Backstreet Boys, though, I'm in their Christmas special coming up. I don't know what the date is, four Bay, thank you December baby. UM, it'll be on ABC. It's a Backstreet Boys special Christmas special and it's funny and UM, I got how did that come about? I got a text from a comic who was writing on it. This is how this happens.

People go, we need this role field and if you're just nice to people, you don't know who is going to end up in places where they can give you a fucking job like I just wrote about. Um, I just didn't interview for my UM carpool Karaoke with Wilco. I guess that's coming out at some point. I taped it back in March, but it's coming out. And they asked me, like, how did that happen? I go because I knew a producer Conan, who had great experiences with working with her. She liked me. We text, We text

back and forth because we're just friendly. I'm not like sucking her dicks. So she likes me like I'm just a nice person. And then it comes back to you because they go, oh, I'd like to work with this girl again. So that's you gotta be nice to people. It's come back to help me so much in life. And this girl, Aaron Uh, Aaron Dewey Lennox, she hit me up, just texted me being like, hey, they're gonna send this offer for you. It's for a Backttery Boys

Christmas special. And I'm like, say no more, I will pay to be in this, Like I I will. What what do I need to do? Um? How new do I need to get? And she was like it's an easy You're like a sycophanic fan, like you play a fan. And then I got to do it with Ron Funches, so me and Ron Funches are like uber fans of Backstreet Boys. I got to set this was. I filmed

this to last week Wednesday. Last Wednesday. It was crazy because I'm like, usually you film Christmas things in like August, and you have to be like happy Holidays, and you're like it's a hundred and four degrees. But this time it was like, whoa, this is like actually Christmas. And you walk on set and it's just like this beautiful Christmas set. And I got there and I'm excited because I don't know your relationship with the back Street Boys.

You probably were like not into that, so not into them? Yeah, I was, like I was aware. I was. I went to a back Street Boys concert at the Keel Center with Kursen, I think at one point because my dad got free tickets. I like Backstreets back all right. I like, um, show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely? I love that song. I like a lot of their songs. But and I always thought, out of all of them, who do you think is the hottest? Um? I played the fifth? You

don't know, okay. I always was into Kevin. It was the first, but I was too young. It was like eighth grade, and I was like, these are men, like they even they didn't feel like boys back then. They were in their twenties and I'm, you know, fourteen. It just didn't feel like right to pine after these guys. I wasn't in that place in my life. Even in sync, I was just like no um, but Kevin was the is the oldest. He's a decade older than the youngest

person in the group. But there was something about him, and I couldn't tell anyone that I felt feelings for Kevin because he was just like he was just a man, and it felt like naughty that I was like a acted this like man in the group. He was tall, dark and handsome, and so he was my favor and he I got there. I go into hair and makeup and I can like hear the Baxter boys are walking through my makeup the makeup room to get to their like holding area, and I swear to god, a J

is so nice and so funny. A J from the Backter Boys. He Um walked in and I swear to god, he uh put on his phone before he entered the room. He queued up Backstreets Back all right, and then he walked in. He was like it and he like walked up. He was like hey, he was like they were so freaking nice, so grateful for me to be there, thanking me profusely, telling me like how big of fans they are, and like really proving it too. And then Kevin walks in statue as Kevin. He looked like an oracle. He

had this. He's so tall, he has this long black hair that's shiny. His face is exactly like it. He's so tall. He looks like a wise man, like one of the Christian wise men, and he had uh, he just looks he looks like Keanu Reeves. I'm like, this guy cannot go anywhere without being stopped. He looks so famous. He looked like some kind of like I don't know, maybe that he like was the leader of some kind of cult too. I didn't know. I was ready to join. He came up and he was so nice. He put

his arm around me. He was like, I just want to let you know we were on this pastor. We watched f Boy Island. I am obsessed with it. I'm obsessed and it was so nice. And then we did the scenes and God, these guys were just like so kind and appreciative. That goes such a long way when people are just like, thank you for doing this, thank you for taking me. I'm like, you're a backstreet boy. I would do anything to me. I would be like a lighting guy on set, Like you guys are the

back Street Boys. There's that is a level of fame that you don't see anymore. That's so only like so few people get to touch and Ron and I were just kind of marveling at it, like looking at them like this is it's rare to be in the company of people who went through that. Like I don't think even last night I was mean beat Lizzo out of all those people have know anything about like how being

that famous? It's just a different level. And um, my biggest fear all day though, was accidentally calling Nick Carter Aaron. That was my biggest fear because his brother just died. I don't want to say his brother's name, but he was on my mind of like don't say Aaron. And then I'm like, wait a second, what if I say it? Because I'm trying not to. So I was so scared. I had to do a couple of lines with him. But he was so nice and so sweet and they were all just like funny and cool. It was a

great day and I'm excited to see it. Um, and yeah, that was That's been my last couple weeks. It's been it's been NonStop and I'm really tired. But I'm so glad that I get to do this stuff. I'm it's not lost on me. It's still fun. F Boy Island did get hanceled. It was announced that we got canceled a couple of days ago. I got all these calls from the um, one of the co producers of the show Bill, and he was like, I don't know if you've seen Variety, and I don't. I haven't. He's like,

I'm sure your phone's blowing up. I'm like, by you And he's like, I don't believe anything you're reading. And I'm like, i'm not, haven't read anything. Tell me what you're talking about. And he's like, it's said that Variety says f By Islands canceled. And then the next day in my Google alerts, it's like I have a Google alert from my name and it's like cancer. Like people are so exciting. Either people are excited it's canceled because they're like, yeah, it's sucking doom shows going away, or

people are devastated. It's mostly devastated because it's a hit show. Why is it canceled? There was no indication of this happening, but I just want to say, is not done you guys know how this stuff works. At this point, when network gives up on a show, it jumps to something else, so it will find a home. F boy will never die, I hope ever. Um, But the truth is, like things

have changed. I think Discovery Network bought HBO Max and it's just budget things, you know, Like it's just it's a very expensive show to make, not because of me necessarily, but it's just that's why it looks so fucking good. It's expensive to make, and I think the producers don't want to like skimp on on production, and so it's going to find another home. Just you wait, I cannot wait. And um, but that was kind of sad to just be like, oh, it's canceled, um and just see that word,

because guess what. Discovery also didn't pick up a ton of other shows on the HBO Max slate, but they weren't announced as canceled. We just weren't picked up. It doesn't mean canceled. And this has happened to me for every show I've ever done in my entire life. Anything you do will go away at some point, it will find another network, but everything will be canceled. And it's kind of nice because I've had so many shows can unsold that. I don't care it don't I don't take

it personally. I do take many things personally. And there are some things in life that hold me up so much, like a bad comment, someone just being like she thinks she's cool, or someone not understanding my motives of something, or I don't know, someone saying I look old. There's little things that can set me off. But you know, flooding a line at the People's Choice Awards or um or having a show canceled. I can get through it. I can get through that because I approve of myself.

I approve of myself. I approve of myself. Until she says that, go listen to Louise Hey, We'll be right back. Alrighty, let's get to good old fashioned fan tracks. Hell, Yes, what do the people have for us? No? Uh, what are the best? He's up to? Okay, we got a lot of really great messages. I think I'll start off with Annie Hey, Nikki, Noah, and hopefully Joel's because honestly, Jewels is my favorite gasco host on the pod Um.

I'm literally just calling because I'm right right now, I'm watching the mass Singer and de Honest, I already knew Snowstorm with NICKI, Um, I'm only twenty four minutes into this episode, so like anything could happen in this However, I'm convinced this is Nicky Snowstorm the house, uh, welcome home Nicky Glazer and the unsafe box not safe, It's all there. I mean, we all know it, all of us, all of us besties know this is. It's so awesome.

I don't know how you pulled this off. I'm so excited for you, Like they're comparing you to uh Sabrina Carpenter and Olivia Roun. You go, you're freaking probably gonna win this episode, which means you're probably gonna met I'm assuming that Middler because I'm pretty sure that Pumpkin had is that Middler. Like this is so awesome and I'm just so excited and good job, Nikki. I literally saw this clue say and I was like, fuck, yeah, okay, anyways, have a good day and happy mass Singer and Jack

the Jackalope, Oh my god, I'm sorry. Oh you're so great. I love it that there She's like, should I for record it? Do a better one? No, Jack, lobes are awesome, though they're like bunnies with like horns. Um, thank you so much. I felt like a message I got from like a friend who was like, we haven't talked since college,

but I'm watching a singer. I'm freaking out. It's too like that just felt like sometimes I would say, most of the time I meet besties, I'm like, you just have the same cadence and compassion that I sense from like my best friends. So it's so nice to hear that. And uh, yeah, I don't know how I pulled it off either. It's hard to keep a secret. Um, And

how did I pull off that mask? Well, with a lot of help from people who like were very gentle because it was so fucking heavy and I didn't get to keep it and um, and I am on a Christmas special tonight, which by the time this podcast comes out, I'm sure it's already aired, but you can go watch me sing. Um. There's a mass singer Christmas special Wednesday night on Fox, which is tonight, And I'm singing Ariana Grande's Santa Wait, Santa, tell me that song? Do you

know that song? Noah, No, it sounds beautiful, so good at first, when they gave it to me, I was like, oh God, can I just do like Deck the Halls? Like can I just do a song that's like Frosty the Snow and like just basic easy. I have to learn because I didn't know the song at all, and you have to learn a new song, and it's it's kind of it took a minute, and I you know, it took like a day for me listening over and

over and now it's my favorite Christmas song. If you don't add Santa, tell me it should be an instant classic. It is as good as Mariah carries Um. You know that one that she sings a lot. Uh that that that one movie made famous? It's Santa. Tell me watch me on the mass sing or sing it, but then actually go back and listen to the real version. But I'm obsessed. I'm learning it on a guitar. I love it so much. Thank you for guessing it was me. It was so nice. Are you back in your snowstorm

costume or you bring something else? Yes? So I filmed, let me be honest, I filmed it and July so this was filmed like before I got kicked off the show. But we just did it as an added episode, and I got a little choreography going in this one too, so I danced a little, a very very little bit um which made it so much more fun because most of the time I'm asking or I didn't know what to do with my body. I wasn't really given much

notes about what to do. And then all of a sudden we did this Christmas one and this woman comes out and started choregraphing me, and I go, where have you been? Can I get you for the other stuff? I don't know what to do with my hand, I don't know anything. I don't know how to move in this. It would have been so nice because it felt so good to have something to do while I sang. And you can't really do much in that costume, so you're limited.

So it was very simple steps. But I'm excited to see it tonight because, um, it was my favorite song to sing of all the ones I sang. And yeah, it's such a good song. Added to your playlist for Christmas time, don't fight it. Just let a new Christmas song in your heart. All right? Next mant Rex, All right, here's one from Alexis with something that I think a lot of besties can relate to. I know that I can. Hi, Nicki, Andrew, and Noah. This is Alexis. I'm actually from Gavenport, Iowa,

where just did a show. Unfortunately couldn't go because I'm actually living in Australia for my job for a year. I just do that. I have been talking to friends and family on the phone a lot more now that I live across the world, and I found myself that when I start to say my goodbyes on the phone, that I want to say, don't be cause Jack podcast

every single day. So I just love to call that in and tell you that that's always in the back of my mind when I hang up the phone with my literally stop myself from Oh my god, thank you so much for all that you do. I love listening to you when the time zone is off and I can't talk to friends and family at home and I feel like I have friends here, So thank you so much, Jackaroo Jack Arru. Oh my god, is that a really animal? Um? That was so nice? And um No, that doesn't happen

to me. I feel like it's very like I need to be in this room. It's very situational for me. I need to be in the setting. So does happen to you? Noah? Do you almost say it? Sometimes? Okay? What I found myself doing lately is I'll start talking like Julie, Oh yeah, in what way? Like where does it come up? I don't just like, oh my goodness, like if kidding me with that ship? Oh god, what I'll tell you it's fine, But I'm not doing it all right, Mac, I just a Julie app with just

her juliasms. Yeah, we need to do that, with like all of her catchphrases. I truly, she is so fucking funny. I love her so much. She makes me laugh so hard. She wrote me this morning, and she wrote, I asked her to the pod today, but she couldn't. She's working, you know, she's stage in homes with her friend Debbie. Um, that's the next stray. I go, stop taking these jobs, mom, I don't want you working anymore. I will. I told my mom, I will pay you whatever Debbie is paying you.

I will pay you to stay home and not do it. And she goes, you're ridiculous, I'm not taking that, and I go, it matters to me because you're not gonna try to hang up a heavy painting or move some bureau that you're too. You know, when people get older, it must be very hard to relinquish the things you used to just be able to move so easily as a younger person. I can understand how you would fight that. But my mom is getting injured on these jobs and I'm just like, why are you doing it? But my

dad goes she likes it. I'm like, she's getting injured and you're gonna lose her faster than you would like. But she wrote me today she said, you looked amazing last night and you did such a great job. So proud of you. I mean, if I don't know what the funk I'm going to do when my parents die. I was telling Esther this last night. I only do things so they're proud of me. I literally don't. I all my biggest joy in life is telling them I got something and then doing it and hearing them go.

Like like, even last night after I presented, I was just looking at my phone being like, I know they're watching. Did I do that bad? Why haven't they wrote me written me yet? Like what's going on? And I'm like, why do I need this? And Esther was like, do you think that's maybe like bad that you need that approval, and I go, no, I need It's not even about like I need to feel like a star and like I'm the best. I want people to be proud of me Like that is I think. My that's what I

get off on, Like I want. I don't need you to go like you're so pretty, you're so funny, you're so like I just want people to go like wow, from what I know of you, like this is what it matters both to me too when besties say that.

It when my best friends and my lover and like my family, because you guys and all these other people know the real me, which is a little bit insecure, a little bit quirky, a little bit like more normal than maybe your average celebrity I would think, not normal, but like a little bit flawed and a little bit maybe just just brought down to earth in a way.

So when you see me all glitz and glamoder on mass singer, when you're like, I'm so proud of you, Bustie, that means so much more to me than like you like you're I don't know, and that the it's I just pinpointed it and it's like pride. What is that? And is it sad that I need that validation? I need pride. I need people to be like, I'm proud of you, even if it's like, wow, you went on a run like my mom's always just like you ran four miles, Oh my god, you're amazing, and like that

does something for me? Why why can't it be enough? Would I still do these things in a vacuum? Probably not? Do you think most artists would still produce their art in a vacuum? I don't know. You probably didn't get to hear what she said last night, but she said she say she said something very similar to vacuum. Sorry. She She praised her fans for supporting her and kind of being that encouragement through sick and thin and and all that stuff. It's it's it sounded very similar to

what you just said. Yeah, like just yeah, believing it, just being like but it's so it feels so selfish to want that and to need that of like I want like all my I've talked about this so much of like you know, I don't feel like my parents are I've complained about to my girlfriends so much that

anytime I do something. They're like, Nicky, We're so proud of you, and I'm like, oh god, I've trained them so well, and they're like posting all the links so that they can watch everything, because I'm like, I feel like my parents don't even care to watch it. I'll like complain about someone not watching something and they're like so over the top about it. But I need that.

I think I just need that, like some girls like need I don't know, to get their nails done or some ship like I just need people to be proud of me. And I don't think it necessarily depends on being famous. I will say that I need my loved ones and people who know the real meat I eat. Besties. You guys are the only ones I would say in my fan base who like know me on a personal level, like my family, Does you really do know me like

my family does? I would? I would. I would venture to guess you probably know more about me than my family does at this point, if you've been listening to the show long enough. I need. I want those people to go like, WHOA, that's impressed. I want people to be impressed. This goes back to also what I want in bed. I want to be an impressive whore. I want to be such a whore that people go, I didn't even know you were capable of phorring this much.

I just want people to go, wow, um. I don't know what that is, and I don't know if I need to lose it. But there's some things I don't want to lose. I think there's a lot of things that we discover about ourselves. Our character defects are things that like we need like validation, and it seems like self serving and it seems like it's keeping you from loving yourself, and you're supposed to be able to love yourself without getting things from the outside world. I don't

need massive amounts of likes. I don't need massive amounts of fans. I don't care if I go to a theater and it's half sold. I don't give a ship. I'm just happy that half people came there. I think I'm not like, Wow, this down fucking sucks. They don't get what's up. I just go no, this half of people do get what's up. I'm only sad because like the people working there, like people aren't making money off me, and I want to like theater half kind of gal yes,

thank you. Yes, I just feel embarrassed. I don't feel I don't feel embarrassed, just feel bad for people who are like God, we're supposed to make money tonight and we did it. That's where I feel bad. But I don't feel bad in my soul. If I'll take one fan who's proud of me. So UM, I really appreciate that message, is what I'm trying to say. Final thought. Uh So, Nikki, you want to give some advice? Yes, okay, he would love to a question from someone who's wants

to be kept anonymous. Hi, no jerky, I'm calling you in to ask for some relationship advice. Um. Months ago, my husband gave me the password to his phone and said he has nothing to hide. UM, and I just was feeling kind of suspicious, like something was off the other day and I went through his phone while he was sleeping with the password that he gave me, and I found this app called Telegram, And on the app there were all these chats of like nudes and like

videos of girls. And they were all like local girls, like from the towns around us and where we live, so they're like real life girls who's knuds are probably unknowingly being sent back and forth between all these chats, and it just was really fucking like disturbing to me. And I didn't see any evidence of him talking to any girls on his phone at all. I think it's

just like creepy guys sending the ship back and forth. UM. I just don't know if I should like bring this up to him and have like have that difficult conversation of like, I went through your phone, you're sleeping and this is what I found, and like, can you explain this or or not? Like I get so scared and anxious about confrontation, and I don't know if I should just keep an eye on this or if it's worth bringing up right now. Um. Again, thank you so much

for any advice that you have. Would love to hear your opinions on this, like Andrew from the guy's perspective, NICKI and Noah, Um, I love you all. And my husband said to jack Off, oh my god, Okay, so well, we don't have Andrew's perspective on this one. It would be good to have here, but we're going to try our best. Okay, Noah, I feel she definitely needs to

confront of about it. What you need to do, though, what I would do is own your side of things of like, listen, I'm really sorry I fucked up, and I don't want to do this again, because what are your options? You either come say what you did, which was you went through his phone without asking while he was asleep or whatever, and he gets mad at you about that, or you keep doing that and that guilt that you have about doing that to collect information keeps

building up. So you're gonna, at some point in this have to admit you did that, whether it's down the road, like, you're not going to get over this. You're not gonna get answers from this unless you get him from him. You know, there's nothing I don't think you're gonna get any more collecting more data that's going to make you go, oh, suddenly, I don't care about this, and we can just I

can die without ever knowing. You're gonna eventually get to a point where you're like, what the fund is going on? Just do that sooner than later before you completely like I have done it so many times because you're just it's gonna make you feel bad, It's gonna make you feel like you have a lie going between you which you know he may have already started. Um, just go listen. I had a really weak moment. I felt things were off between us. I'm so scared of losing you because

I love you so much. If that's true, you can present when you do things like this like go through someone's phone, a way to soften and I do, I do believe is to explain like this is all coming from a place of not wanting to lose you because I love you. I think that helps people because sometimes they feel so betray and you go it's a it's a it was a bad way to go about this, but I promise it was motivated because I just I'm so scared to lose you, and I know that's I

should have done a different way in the future. I want to do it this way, but I shouldn't have done it because I found something and I don't even know how to approach you about the thing I found. So I'm just coming clean. You are allowed to be upset with me about this. It's a completely separate issue than the one I want to talk to you about

what I found. But I just need you to know, like come clean about your thing, and just like without confronting him about it at first, and like, see what he does, work through that, and then go now, can we talk about what I saw and make it a separate issue. I think that might be my advice. But I'm really sorry you're going through this and you're feeling

that way right now, because I hate. I hate in relationships when I've done something that I know I shouldn't have done and I have to carry it around, and especially when you also, on the other side, feel like he's done something that you don't really understand and I do not understand what that app could be. And it's nice to know that he has not written anything, but God, it just sucks to learn that your husband might be like looking at something that just kind of gives you

the willies. What do you think? So? I love the advice you gave her. I think it's a very good way to start the conversation. Um. I guess when I first heard this, the local part didn't really stick out to me that much as much as it does this time around. But I honestly think it's just like a guy looking at porn or just wanting to have access to those kinds of images, very like easily I guess, like, I don't think it's anything against her or because she's

not fulfilling something. I think it's just guys like to look at porn, and you know, it's separate from how he feels about you. So I hope that she goes into it not taking like a personal offense about it and just it's just like yeah that I guess. I

didn't even touch on the porn part of it. Like I don't know though, like the local thing bothers me because it just feels like I get it because obviously there's something that is attractive to men about hearing about local horny women around you, like in your area, because it's all over point you watch porn, there's always like people fucking in your neighborhood waiting for you. And these guys are not actually meeting up with these women, but

just the illusion that they're close makes them hornier. So I do believe that this is just a type of porn, like low local porn. So it doesn't mean he's like, oh I could funk these women, they lived on the street. It just makes it sexier to them, um to here local. But you gotta get some answers on this. I if it doesn't make you feel, right, I mean, like I'm

someone who doesn't mind if my boyfriend watches Born. Um, I think I would mind this because it just feels like the next step of like you downloaded a weird app like or listen. If I found a weird app, I'd be like explained to me the hotness behind this

and what turns you on about this? Yes, not that I need to start dressing like a local or something or like, because that's something he wants and he doesn't know how to bring up to her, Like I think you turn into something very positive and healthy for their relationship,

maybe something she doesn't know that turns him on. Like you just said, I hope I do understand that thing of like being scared to bring up something that you think might embarrass him to you know, like you're showing him this thing that you found, and he you know that he's going to have to either make up a lie which is gonna be embarrassing to watch, or tell you the truth might which might really embarrass him and

then might make emasculate him to you. Of like my husband's like admitting he like jerks off to these local women are like, um, but the fact that he gave you his password was really cool too. Yeah, that's why I don't think it's anything malicious. And I wonder if he needs to send you an invite to this app. Yeah, show on this app. You find this app and submit your headless photos and then have and have him like that.

How crazy would that be to submit your own photos on the app that you know your husband's looking at and then all of a sudden you come up on it. That would be amazing. That would be like the light Lotus scene with the condom rapper where she just leaves it out spoiler alert, like just throwing it the thing, you know, in his face. Oh, I love it. That's a good one. Um. I'm sorry though this sounds really that's shitty, and you know what, it's nice to know.

I think it's they you for sharing that, because I think a lot of people did with the stuff in their marriages and they're ashamed of like we don't have complete communication and there might be some shadiness going on. Um that. Yeah, everyone just has shameful things that they even hide from their spouses. And it's the best case scenario that you're just like totally open with one another and share everything. But we're so we're so repressed around sex and our desires and and it's so hard to

share the stuff with our partner. But I heard the sadness in your voice of like, I just don't know what to do, and I'm only sorry you're feeling that way. But I think this is very normal. I think it's very resolvable. Just own your side of the street, which is you funked up and went through his phone without you know asking, which makes sense why you did it.

I guest why you did it, But just own it, because then you will have carte blanche to go after him for what he's done once you really like repent for what you did without getting accused story of him, like own your thing first, make sure that it is tidy, like, don't even accuse him of it. I would say I went through your phone, babe, but I just want to say I feel really rotten about it. I wish I wouldn't have done it. You were sleeping, and I just need to be honest with you. I don't want to

do it again. I don't know what you know. Here's why I was compelled to do it, but did um and I hate. I hate that I did too, and I'm so sorry. And then eventually he'll go and did you see anything, and you can go, I did, but we can talk about that at another time. Really like own it. I think that will give you so much more in the end, and it will you didn't do everything right. I think so often we just like a and you already know that, I hear it in your voice.

But I think so often we approach fights like they did this. It's just like, find something that you did wrong, because it gives you so much more going into the part where you get to present them with what they did wrong. There's so much blessed defensive if you've already kind of shown them how to own up to ship. And women usually have to be the ones to lead that because we're smarter. Um, we're not necessarily, but in

these relationships we read the books and everything like that. Um. Please, men, don't stop listening to me because I said that I love you so much and I you know you are smarter and we got to keep that eye going so that you believe it and still like us and let us live and have reproductive rights. Uh not all men, especially not Steve, love you guys so much. Thank you for listening to the podcast. We will see you next week.

We're doing one episode a week till the end of the year, and then we will revisit and let you know of the new plan. But I'm very excited for everything to come for the podcast. I love you guys so much. If you're waiting a whole week, come see me on the road. I'm going to be in Waterloo, New York this week. I'm gonna be in Hershey, Pennsylvania. I'm going to be in the Atlantic City. Tickets still

available Nick Glazer dot com. Plus so many more dates just came out arounding up the end of the year, Oklahoma City, Tulsa, and St. Louis New Year's Eve. Get those tickets soon. New Year's Eve St. Louis is selling out um quickly. And then I just released a bunch of new dates that you can check out at my Instagram. There's a whole graphic with all of them, and I would love to see you there. I love you guys so much. Thank you for your support, Thank you for listening.

Have a great week, and don't be cool and g