#269 Waiting For FEMA

does mean Memorial Day equals beginning of summer. Labor Day equals no fun, school starting again, like a different kind of hot outside. Pools are closing last weekend of pools. I know that's not the case anymore because it's so hot all the time and people can leave their pools later. But um, what do you guys have planned for Labor Day weekend? Um? Do you have anything went on? I'm going to a wedding in Chicago from my first cousin for your first cousin ever. No, it could be, honestly,

I mean, are they going to make it? Let me do they pass my test? Are they? No? Actually, I don't know how old she is. I think she's probably close to Okay, So have they been together longer than four years? Uh? Do you know the name of the guys? Really don't even know that. Jason, I don't know. Are you going to this? Huh? I mean, I'm sorry about weddings. Is what do you know about her? She's brown hair.

She should be going to a lot more weddings. If this is the requirement to go to someone's wedding, you know their hair color. She loves farming. Look, my family, we grew up in Florida. Like if we grew up in Chicago, I would know everything about her, but we were separated. Well, that's why you don't go to this wedding. Sorry to whoever this is, but but it's no, you don't. It's expense. I mean, I understand people like to go to weddings, let's leave that out of it. Most people,

weddings are an inconvenience. You could have the weekend in St. Louis. Now you gotta go up to Chicago for this wedding. I'm not trying to be a negative nully, but this school does not know you, she would not. We are. You'll stay high across the room for two minutes, and that will be the extent of it for you being there. We're going to grind cousin dance. It's cool because we don't know much about each other. Yeah, yeah, you'll get to know each other. No, my cousins in Chicago are awesome.

Like we play sports together. We we all enjoy their skirl like to play with you again. You know, you know people in our building from the elevator more than you know this cousin. Let's be honest with ourselves. It's not true. Do you have a role on the wedding? Farms and Marissa, do you know that? Does that mean she lives on a farm, Because just because someone lives on one doesn't mean they like it. No, she works, She loves it. That's what she does. She works at

this restaurant. I forgot it's what it's called. It's like blew something. It's like that very famous restaurant that has like farmed a table. It's like outside of New York. I forget the name of it. But that's where she works. And she like lives out like forty minutes outside the city.

Pretty much on a farm and that's where. But I just think weddings are obnoxious when you have to have the whole family there and then the bride's night is completely ruined by talking to ants who are going to die or cousins who are going to die within months, and they have to get on planes. Like you see all these fragile old people flying across the country having to sit on the plane for forty minutes after it lands waiting for someone to come with a wheelchair. They're

so in pain they're sitting in middle seats. Also, they can go to some girls wedding and who's in their twenties and they just sit in the corner all night and people come up and scream at them as like you know, Neo was playing loudly in the background, Like it's it's just also jarring for these old people. And I'm including you in that. I think it's I think weddings are obnoxious, but this girl's I'm sure this wedding

is gonna be awesome, and that it's required that you know. First, I hear what you're saying, and I know it's funny, but I think, like these old people, it's it's like they're super Bowl. To some of them, they're like, oh, I can finally get dolled up and I can travel and I could see my family. I understand that if

they're mobile. If they're mobile, old people when they are in wheelchairs and being forced to go, they do not want to go to it in Vermont where they have to sit in a car and their bones are I mean this, like almost certain of is that old people do not want to go to your wedding twenty something. Your old girl who is has the option divorce now

when your grandma didn't. So your grandma's looking at you like like wow, this is gonna last forever when you now have so many more options than that old bitch did and she resents you for it. Probably you get to vote and like wear your hair down like up and pushed you around. They didn't. I love my grandparents. I just feel bad for old people having I just think weddings are dumb. You know, I think this. I think there are a waste of money. I think they

are um just you know. I get it though, because it's it's a celebration and I'll probably have one some day too, and um eat crow. But I just want to say, like, it's it's I think it's I think it's dumb that people like second cousins, cousins who you've only seen once, Like when was the last time you saw this girl? I mean really had a conversation with her and spent some time with her last time I

was in Chicago. She's also much she's also younger, so like the other cousins that are older than her, I get along with all of these things. Oh so it's from more of her like siblings. It's an age thing too. It's not just like you know when you have a cousin that's I'm just saying it's the most important people in her life are on a list. You're not on it because and I'm not up saying that to be offensive. It's just this whole thing of like, but family comes first.

It's like you took the spot of someone probably at the wedding where she No. No, I think a lot of things right now, like they have you have to invite our cousins and you're like, mom, I don't even know those people, and I know you know her, but I'm just saying this, Okay, so maybe this is a different situation for you. But I still suspect this girl having a conversation with you will be a task of the night that is like is not. I mean, you're fun to talk to you, so it won't be that bad.

But there will be people like you that our first cousins not that interesting who she doesn't want to talk to. I mean, you've got stuff going on. Brenna's fun to talk to too, But there will be people at this wedding based on you being there, that this girl does not want to have conversations with. And it is her wedding night and she wants to dance and eat and have fun, and she's gonna have to talk to some you know, her uncle, like her her dad's friend from childhood. Yes,

it sucks. I get that look you're talking. I'm not like, yeah, well I do have the wood tooth um, but I'm not like one that's like raw raw weddings. Like my buddy had a second wedding. I had to buy a suit for it and pay eight hundred dollars Like it's insanee. No, Yeah, well it's hard. You know why. I've said no before. And when I was in high school, I was playing my last football game in high school football, which I've

given so many hours, so much time to. And then my other first cousin was getting married and everyone's like, you gotta go, I go. I'm not. I've given everything to this. I've met her twice. So in your defense, I chose football and wanted to spit in my face, like my mom, huh, yes they are, and I don't play football anymore. It's the only time that Why didn't you see that their love would be lasting? Were they? No? No, no, they were lasting. They are lasting. You know why didn't

you see it? I saw it. I was like, oh, you know, they're both kind of interesting. She's a veterinarian actually, the one now or the one back then, the one back then. You know, the veterinarians kill themselves more than any profession I think I probably told you that a million times. Yeah, I'll let her know. That's like my

reminder when I see her, you should say that. I say some vets all the time because it's kind of giving them like like, hey, you were in combat, like you you commit suicide up there with the other vets. You know what I saw, You know what I saw that what was interesting to student dead stuff? However, it's like, I can't a lot of veterinarians. The other reason why they kill him not just because the dogs putting them down. Huh. Can we just say the veterinarians? I think I think

that's a way that to say it. What do you say, veterinarians? Yeah, what do I say vetinarians? Veterinarians? You just cut out the middle man that er first of all doctors. Six letters, what's down? Thank you, thank you? Okay, So what about the veterinarians. We're saying about the debt thing. Yeah, that's the other thing. They don't make enough money to pay off because they're debt is almost as much as fucking doctors, and it's like they don't never pay it off. So

they're the best people. They get into it for the love of animals, and then they have to put them down all day and witness horrific they is happening to animals, And they have to watch people, yeah, and and they watch people, yeah, losing their animals that they either love or bring in animals that they do not love, and they can't do anything about it to take it away because it's too much legality to like, actually, the Dog Protective Services or whatever. It is harder to conjure up

than CPS. Maybe I don't even know, but um, yeah, I love veterinarians so much, and yeah they should be able to board planes before all of us, just with all vets. Can we go back to weddings? First? Second, I have a question, please? Yeah, I mean no, one's getting married at some point, yeah, but it will be at least another years. None of my cousins are coming to my wedding because because you're a you're an adult

who knows, who doesn't just follow tradition blindly. You make it it's your night to actually socialize in the way you want to not please your mother. A year, so many many but although they'll all be people that I want there and then and then, yeah, I love them, I grew up with them, honestly, Probably not because I don't need to waste my time no offense. Emily and Brian, if you want to go, sure, I'm sure you'll want to because it's gonna be faking dope, but I'm not.

You are not guaranteed to talk to me longer than two minutes that night. I might wave at you across the road. Do you think everyone wants to talk to the bride so much. Anyways, I don't know the prettiest and the whole thing. And we're wearing a big white dress and we look so beautiful and happy and the spider. Yeah, and we're all little pretty virgins who are gonna bleed that night for the first time, and we're gonna lay

out the sheets. You can see that we're a pretty little virgin and that we're here and that our daddy sold us the right way. It's so gross. Oh my god. When I was watching the Princess documentary about Princessiana part part, they just skipped over. I'm sure you didn't even catch it because it was so subtle. Um. I can't believe even I caught it. They he said. When Charles was problemsed Diana by Lord Spencer, he was assured of her virginity, And it was like, what how did he assure it?

She maybe got checked by a doctor who probably enjoys that inspection a lot. Fucking Yeah. All right, um, a question, yeah, um, have you ever been a bridesmaid at anyone's wedding like your sisters? Because I have great friends who would not make me do that. I was in a wedding. I was in a wedding couple of them. I got asked to do the best. Oh really, why tradition enough tradition. They wouldn't, they wouldn't put you up at that board

with this. I don't think I'm a badass for denying about No, I don't because that there's something going on there that is not before up. This was before stand up. Oh so it was like talking in front of people that marriage did not work? Was it rustys? I'll blink twice, Yeah, that did not. What if you were yelling enough and not been doing stand up yet that marriage did not?

For whatever I ended up doing this. I did a speech so anyways, and I told the old crowd that she's pregnant and they haven't told that what I didn't. I didn't know that it did that take. I just jumped off the dock that the wedding was on. I don't know. Wait what happened when you said it? She just looked. I caught myself, so I was like, uh, something in the some kind of it wasn't so direct where I saw the look in her eye of pure anger and I was like, wow, this is people gasp

or anything. I don't think it was. People were very hammered. It was on a dock. I don't know if anyone hurt me. I make fun of her for not cooking, and then I said, well, something's cooking, something like that, something along toastlines. And then she gave me a look, and I was like joking, Oh boy, this is a common thing. Comedians are very bad at giving speeches, best man speeches, sincere speeches, eulogies. Every comedian I know is

deeply uncomfortable with it. None of us like doing it because it's sincere and in the expectations are so freaking high that you you cannot. Everyone's like, oh the comedians getting up. You never will be as good as they want you to be. It's just it really is, and you don't work on it hard enough because you don't care because it's your fucking friend who you don't really talk to that much, you know. But I have a speech.

I followed a I doing spoken word like about his dead dad for like five minutes, and then people were like, how are you gonna you're gonna be able to follow that? I'm like, I don't what, like what am I getting? Like? You know what? I was their death poetry jam and because it was like a brother of the or and it was like so good, like literally like Eminem like good. It was insanely good. And they're like, he's gonna be a follow that. I'm just getting drunk, like I don't know.

I was like, I don't get away from me, cousin Steve, And did you follow it? Yeah? I did great, So you did great? But it didn't it didn't feel good like I don't. I didn't feel good until I did find I did good, but I didn't like the experience. I'd rather not give a speech I don't like doing.

Have you ever given a speech? You get you had to do something Katherine I've told I've told about this before, but I gave a speech at Katherine's wedding still together, Um, and I just like to say that, you know, because I really don't believe most things work. Um, And I said I made a joke that I was barren during it. No one laughed. It was really awkward. And then Um,

I did one for my sister. And I think I just covered this on a recent episode with Chris, But I told um I was describing that my sister was always even though she was younger. She was always the more responsible one, the one I kind of looked up to. She knew that Santa wasn't real. She was like the one she was younger than me, and she was like, Nikki, Santa is not real, and um, yeah, they were kids that wasn't real from me. Yeah, and they're crying in

the bathroom afterwards like pussies. It was like you had to learn sometime, but you have someone is going to be the bearer of that news and it should have already happened to you anyway. You're a don't be at an adult function, Like are there signs on walls at adult functions where it's like kids present, make sure you keep the lie up, Like I can't retain that lie forever.

It was like, hey, you kind of ruined saying no. It was very clear like all that there were a bunch of kids that like ran off and were confused and um, and then it was the big joke of the night. But it was also like they were kind of um, you know, like oh, she is just too much, you know, like she had to push the matters. That's what always happens is that I say something people expect me to be inappropriate and like do something outrageous that

makes it about me and ruins the night. And I never want to do that because I obviously think everyone thinking that or I'm gonna be I'm gonna be dirty in an inappropriate setting, and then they always find a way to be dirty. Like the other day, I was filming a show and it was for a network show, very squeaky clean. The host couldn't even say the name of my special. He wouldn't say the name of my special. My name of my special is good clean filth, couldn't

say it. He was like, yeah, there's nothing dirty about it. That's how like, you know, puritanical, this uh set is and um, I won't say what the show is. But I was like, can I get a D? I want a D so bad? And I was like, well, that didn't sound good. Do you remember I'm Dancing with the Stars exactly the same thing. Oh yeah, there's a new wordle, celebrity wordle coming in. Um no, dancing with the Stars,

same thing. I was so scared of saying anything sexual because everyone kept saying, you better watch it, this is ABC, we know what you're up to. And then Tom bergeron asked me, Nikki, you know, what's it like? Do comedy prepare you for dancing at all? And I was like, well, I've had a lot of bad sets in my life. And everyone gasped and groaned and I was like what and he stepped away from me, like there she goes,

and I go, what did I say? And I go, oh, no, no, no, no, no bad sets with sets we call it was dumb me making a like jargon word that I think everyone knows. People don't know that the comedians call it sets. It's not in their head, and so it sound like I was saying I had a lot of bad sex. So then I changed it and I go, well I've had that to Tom and then everyone was like she did say it, and then it was like scandalized. Everyone's so fucking Christian. It's so gross. It's all fake um, just

this fake shock. It's I'm not someone who's like canceled culture, but it's like this permeation of just puritanical, like really like I don't know, like Bible something like you can't say damn, you can't say anything that is so dumb. It's so dumb and it's for nothing, and it's All the people at the top that are decreeing this are all pedophiles. Man, It's so ironic. They're committing sex crimes

at the top of all these institute. All these men are power hungry to fuck children and just and or if they're not doing that, they're greedy motherfucker's who are just skimming poor people of their money and spending it. And they're they're criminals. And yet when I say a blasphemous term, it is like I shouldn't be sent to hell when you have all of these lying charlatan's at the top. I love religion because I think it gives people purpose and community, but when it starts to impact,

like you can't say certain words. I'm not gonna say fuck in front of a kid on purpose. I did the other day accidentally, and I felt terrible about it. I'm never trying to like, wait, wait, wait, what happened there? Happened there? I don't want kids to do. You know what happened with this in front of a kid at the Jimmy Kimmel thing. I was with kids all day, you know, and then it was in between bringing kids over and um, I like dropped a water or something

and I was like, oh fuck. And I was like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry, and there was like a mom and a kid like waiting on the side. I was like, I'm so sorry, and she was like, oh, we don't care. And I was like, oh, thank god, a fucking cool kid. But it's just people are industry for a long time. He's been through way works and that it's just uh yeah, it's it's I I went through.

I'll talk about it after we get back from break, but I'm a little bit fired up about all this, like nicky glazers, dirty stuff, so we'll hear about that and even whether or not you want to after we get back. I did four press interviews yesterday, back to back, twenty minutes each, which seems like not that much, but

you're talking to someone new. It's for like Katie LV, like you know, Las Vegas local, UM Today's show type things, And every single one of the interviewers negged me by saying either because I would say, you know, oh, this is my last show before vocal surgery UM, or I'd say and so I was like, and they're like, oh, so you're gonna stop talking? Are you able to do that? Or they go there's one that where it was a huge lag. I would say, it's nice to see you.

Good to see you too, like it was that bad, and so I said, hey, before we begin, the lag is so bad conversationally, this isn't gonna work. And I know that these people are working so like doing interviews all day with people that aren't even interesting. I go, I'm just gonna steam roll and pitch the show, and you jump in if you absolutely need to, but do not. I hope you just don't think that I'm not including you. But it's just too much for us to talk back

and forth. It might be better for me to just pitch the show and give you what you want. And she goes, oh, you're blaming that on the delay. I'm used to you just rambling, and I'm like, are you kidding me right now, because it's my job to ramble, like,

don't stop acting like this. And I've had it with a certain male comedians too, where I start talking backstage and they'll start laughing to another man, like because they're so used to laughing when a woman might be a little bit opinionated, like here she goes again, and I just turned to them and I go, I did this for a living, so I'm actually good at at it.

I know I can be a little pedantic sometimes or a lot pedantic, but for this, it happened in four interviews in a row, either saying one guy goes, um, I just watched the Comedy Central YouTube video of uh get to Know Nikki Lays or in eight Jokes, and I was like, oh, how was it meeting me? And he was like, well, not not something I should have watched at work. And I go, why were you blaring

it on your speakers? Like what was I It wasn't pornographic in on visually like put in your headphones and he was just like, well, it was just really dirty. And I was like, but did anyone hear it at work? It's not not safe for work. Did you have the

captions on? Like stop shaming me about being dirty. The thing is people cannot fucking handle that they are dirty, and they want to talk about it's so bad and they're so ashamed of it that when someone does it, they have to make you feel bad about it because they don't get to talk about it and they're sad about it. But it happened to me. I had to do like meditate in between because I was getting so like self hating of like I'm disgusting, I ramble. No

one wants to hear me. I'm like, I'm doing your show, giving you content. I'm way more famous than your show deserves me to be on. Sorry, it's just a Katie LV. You should be very happy I'm on. Not that I'll do anything that's fun, but guess what, I'm not coming back to these shows because I get insulted when I go on them, or when I finally talk to stop talking, they go did you care when you got on? Did you did you call him out on the nagging or

did you do It's not worth it. It's it's like the thing where a guy grabs your ass when you're in line doing meet and greets. Calling it out, you get an APO eology that doesn't really mean anything, or if it does, it's just too much of their energy that you have to go on. You know what? It was actually me, I'm coming like, yeah, I'm sure, it's a little bit me like I'm a little bit too sensitive. The best case scenario is this doesn't bother me at

all because it doesn't fucking matter. I was on the girl's chat in between the interviews, kind of spiraling like I'm getting really insulted by these like people who kind of wish they were me. I think is the problem here, because I know when I get like this, it's because I wish I was that person, or I'm jealous of something they have. Um and I was like, yeah, they

have to do a show. They have to do a show where they have to be like good one, and I hope you're having a good time out there at Degreedes. Oh the Raiders did good last night, hummery and she's like, yeah, my husband hasn't gone down to me in six months.

You know. It's like just like they're so wanting to fucking just talk, like because I bet you they're at the bar going I eat this girl's pussy last night, or they're like, you know, they're just talking like this fucking guy he can't funk worth it, and then they go oh and then they got to be fake, and

that's the anger probably where it comes from. You know, the girl that kept saying that I was rambling and talked too much, you can tell she wants to be a comedian and she is funny, and that that was the problem was that she was trying to neg me. She was trying to roast me a little bit, and it wasn't the place for it. This happens a lot. I was gonna ask if, like, when you do interviews, especially with someone that's new or that you don't know, do they do you see them trying to be funny

as opposed to just like interviewing you. No, generally they know their place, but sometimes they are funny, Like this girl probably could be a comedian, you know what I'm saying, She just hasn't done it enough to know when it's appropriate to make the jokes that she is capable of making. So she was sliding in jokes in what I thought was a sincere interview, but she was trying to She was maybe so scared of being roasted by me based on what she's seen of me, that she got defensive

right away and starts insulting me. And so I need to remember that going in that this person is just trying to, you know, match whatever energy they think I'm going to have. And there was nothing malicious in it. Like the other night, my friend and I didn't an

event and afterwards it was ben Glee. But afterwards he was like, I it was deeply insulted by this person and how they handled things and and um insulted me and then got my name, like said my name wrong, all these things, and I was like, then they were trying to be funny. This person is a funny person, and they are a little bit awkward as well, because aren't we all And they say mean things to connect

with comedians. It's like a thing people do. Yeah, you've had it happened right, Like what did the person say? So I have a quick joke about growing up where, you know, with no Jewish people, Like it was just yeah, me and then whatever, So the joke they coming. So after the show, I'm talking to like ten people and this guy comes up. He's a he's a relative of a friend that I don't even know him. Well, yeah, I'm going to this wedding. I'm actually best man. I

just spent thirty grand I'm in debt. I'm gonna be a veterinarian. So I go to you took a out and so then he goes to me, he goes, you had that one jew one joke about no Jews our our high school costs thirty thou dollars I was friends with. There were a ton of Jews there, and I'm like, okay, first of all, get it again, like you're calling me out. I'm like, when I was there, I'm twenty years older than you, there were no Jews there. I'm not making I'm not like like like making up a false premise

of like, oh, they're gonna look into it. Some realize I actually went to school with a thousand Jews, Like what are you doing in front? Well, I found out a little bit that he's a little maybe on the spectrum. And then once I found that out, I was like, okay, this is you know, yeah, you can kind of do that with everyone that pisces you off in any way.

You can just go. Because it was so clear when Ben came to me about it, I was like, oh, I've also experienced this kind of thing with this person where I'm like, oh, whoa, yikes, And I realized, Oh, this person is just this person is funny. They just don't know how to we They just got a sword and they don't know how to use it yet, you know, like they have a really good sword and they don't and so it's like impressive that like they even are

capable of making these jokes. But you go, ah, wow, that's it's you're not you know, It's like you have a good cut of meat but you burn it or whatever like it's um so, and I was like, also, like, this person has nothing against you. And that's what you got to remember is that most people's intent is not to hurt you, which because most people are not sociopaths or psycho people. Yeah, kid, most likely a person trying

to hurt is not trying to hurt you. And um but so I had to talk through it with these, like, you know, after four in a row, and I'd have fifteen minute breaks of like just sitting here being like I do talk too much and like why am I even doing this show there? And like I'm I was trying to give them interesting interviews. I was trying to make it look different. I'm like kind of lounging in a way. Sees this on TV when you when you got on, you should have been like, uh no, what

about you? Like what's up with you? That's a really good point. If I was capable of that, if you're just like enough about me, My god, I have an idea to do and you have a show tonight. You should have been like, do you have a show for people tonight? Oh? You don't. I do, But what would you be like if you had that? Yeah, you don't. Oh I talked too much. I do too much of the thing that is literally the only thing I do on stage that I'm required to do. Literally, there's nothing else.

Do you want to see me dance? Do you want to see me? Saying do you want to see? Like? I don't do that? That's all I have and it's about to be all I don't have. Um I was thinking about Ben Leave actually was the idea behind this. He was like, you should do a SMR episodes of your podcast when you're recovering, because I want people to talk um hard. How you talk? You thank you think you talk here? I think I could probably talk like

this and anyway I think it'll be good. Well, yesterday I tried to do like what it just five minutes of what it would sound like to do a podcast in a SMR And it is so difficult to talk this slow for me, And because then at the end of it, I started talking like this and it was just like no, wit, no, you can gotta go slow, but I realized, you really get it's almost meditative because I got into like my I could see that my thoughts are twenty words ahead and I'm having to ditch

out on what I've planned for twenty words ahead because I'm not going to get there in time that I'm going to remember that. So it keeps you present on every word as opposed to yes. And I realized Sam Harris is able to use bigger words, maybe because he's talks slower, um, but it is. It was very, very hard, but I I do know that. You know my um doctor said when he was listening to me. My surgeon was like, first of all, you know healthy healthy, like

the surgery or not. You need to slow down talking. You talk too fast. Yeah, he was. And then we got into promoting my dates that I was canceling because he was going to scrape out my cords. Like he wanted to be a comedian too. I mean he probably does. Everyone does is kind of secretly, and he's a funny guy. But no, he was like, he go, he wanted to talk to me. I brought my mom to the pre up interview thing because he just wants to hear your voice.

How you use it. I mean, this guy can hear everything. And so we were just talking about my life and he was like, right away, I gotta tell you slow down, slow down, And I was like, I hear you. That is going to be so hard for me. So I think doing a SMR one, if I do a couple to ease in, it might be the perfect thing to get.

You know, you know when you wear like a laded vest to run and then when you take it off, you're somewhere in between where you were, and like strength wise, if I a s MR, it's going to be pulling me so far the other way that maybe it might slow me down in general, but I cannot go the rest of my life talking at the speed I talk at. It is not whether surgery or not. It is ruining my life. And I didn't know. So it sucks that I have to slow down now and talk like someone

who's in slow. To me, I'm talking like this, like this slow, like this is a normal way that people talk. I'm not. It sounds weird for me, but this is how you talk. This is how noaht talk. I'm so used to hear you talk every day. It sounds like your internet is slow and you're lagging. It sounds like there's a problem. But this is the way that other people talk. It's funny because like like I kind of

want you to speed it up. Yeah, I know people might be wanting to put it on two times the speed, but this is the speed generally at which other people talk, and I need to slow down to the speed, and it is very hard to do. It's like going through a constructions own on the highway for me, where you're like it's Sunday and no one is working on the construction zone, so you know it would be fine, but you still have to do it because you're scared. I really tried to talk to Speed the rest of the show.

Let's just see what happens, and I'll talk like you. So being friends with you, it's like like, so you talk like, no, I can't even do it now. I'm just saying like just to fill in the words. Um, well that's what I do too. But I sound drunk when I talked to when I talked to people that live here in St. Louis and talk like you don't have to slow down, no, But when I listened I listened to you on on eight time speed because that's how you speak. So when I talk to someone else

that I know their story. I know their whole story by their third word. So I have to sit there and a lot of times I'll fill it in because I can't kid me. I can't do it either. That's I don't know why I'm getting an accent. Maybe that'll help me slow it down. But when people talk, I am like, get to what's happening here? I know what's I complete people sentences all the time, and I will have to say I am rarely wrong, and I am aware of how annoying that is. But I always check myself,

like is this going to be annoying? Because I was wrong about what they were going to say? And I rarely am. I kind of see it coming, but I think even if you're right, it's still wrong. It's if you're right, even if you're right, But I do I don't know what the cadence will be because this sounds so forced. But I feel like if I practice meditation, if I practice a SMR, the lilt of my voice

will naturally slow down. Like grandparents that you see it the wedding that you forced them to go to, they talk slow, not because they always as have, but because it's harder to think of things and to get them out so naturally. As you aid, you're going to slow down your speech pattern. Um, I have to start that process intentionally now, and I have to become every comedian

I fucking hate who I do. Want to print up people's specials and do a word count and compare them to mine, so that when people go yours wasn't as good as this person's, I can go, well, actually I fit three specials into one, so slow it down. And then maybe our three specials as good as that one person's because I said three times as many words and had three times as many jokes. Um, where they as good?

Maybe not, but that's that's arguable. Do you want something slower? Yes, sometimes you want something slower, and that in and of itself makes it enjoyable. But I like quantity over quality. You're gonna say that you're gonna talk slower, but say the same amount, so your next special will be seven hours six hours, like these podcasts are gonna be. We're gonna get through like one half of a topic, but you're gonna say, I think we didn't get through the

news before. We're not going to get to Uh yeah, it's nothing's going to happen on this show. Um, yeah, it's I don't I don't know how I'm going to function in this world. My brain just needs to slow down a little bit. But um, with that being said, we could get to the news if we want. Do we want to try it? Let's go to the news. Oh man, it's Tuesday, folks. You know what that means. It is Tuesday. I hope you're having all the swells

out there. I'm about to can. I'm going to a great wedding where my first cousin, she has brown hair, and she's really cool and sorry in Chicago a couple of months ago, I think, which is enough if she had to invite everyone she saw a couple of months ago. Casey Cason, all right, well while you're in while you're in Chicago, would you like to know some fun facts about orgasms? Yeah? I love it. So I have a list of fun facts that you may or may not

have a couple yesterday. Yeah. So, um a study, Yeah, I found that our ability to orgasm comes from our parents. Our DNA could be responsible for anything. Daddy, I'm sorry, could be responsible for anything. From a third to sixty of our ability to climax. It really creeps me out. But what does that mean? What is that you are in your what you're going to be is in your grandmother. You were in your grandmother already. Your mom's eggs were in her egg when she was in your grandmother as

an egg. You you weren't in your great grandmother's, but you were in your It's just creepy that I was like in my grandma's little body in the twenties. No great grandmother, my mom was in. I was not in that one. It's only to two back. Can I just say, um, this gets to some topic of porn, which I want

to talk about. I have just embraced daddy porn. I did not look at it for a while because I thought it meant that I want to fuck my dad, or that I that that my dad was going to pop up in in the middle of it for me in some way, or that it meant something about myself. Yeah, Papa, Papa. The papa bads I get are so gross with old women, old horny women is always know the porn. I like. The reason I like daddy porn is I like I think it's someone and their dad. It's not about me

at all. I'm not projecting myself into it. I'm horny from and I don't really like it to be her dad. I just like it to be like someone she trusts that like loves her but is in a position of power. Is a bit older, is instructional, is like someone I like the dynamic which I've requested many times of like

a respectful gang bang. And I feel like the word daddy implies I care about this person, and so it actually is maybe what I've been needing to google this whole time, because so much of the porn I get and enjoy the acts are so mean to the girl, and I've always been looking for this sensitivity and this almost like pride, and like a father has so much pride for his daughter and everything she does. So it actually is one of my words now, and I have

no shame about it. And it's interesting because I have. I have a lot of shame about stuff on porn that I'll be like, oh no, that turns me on, Like sometimes I'll think it's a woman and then the woman will have a penis and I go, do I like trans porn? Like what does that mean about me that I want to see a trans woman fucked by a guy or whatever. And but she has but she has a penis? Does that mean that I have a penut?

Like this stuff that I do in my brain that makes me feel morally ambiguous because I like yesterday, I just realized, like, how do I do not operate this way outside of sex judging what I like, what I don't like? Why it's not hurting anyone? Why is it a problem that I'm turned on by anything? First of all, this trans women looks better than most women. I thought it was a woman, not that it even fucking matters. There happens to be a dick there. There's a dick

anywhere anyway, right there. It's just more dicks. Um. It just looks like she's wearing a strap on of sorts. It doesn't change it at all. And so it's interesting for me. I think so much of my porn. I didn't realize that I was fighting so many of the things that I was naturally drawn to in porn because I didn't want to be that person that likes that thing. And yesterday or this weekend, I guess past couple of days, I've just kind of given into it and started searching

the words that I used to avoid so much. Daddy, not trans, but like daddy or like themdom. I'm like, does that mean I'm gay? It's like no, I like women that are kind of telling women what to do sexually because they're nice, sir. Women seem to be nicer to women, and porn is lacking a niceness and I'm craving that. And the way to get it is to, you know, daddy or fem femdoms, because male doms are generally like mean and calling you a bitch, and femdoms

are like, all are you sad and scared? I think you're gonna be a good little horror that like they're more supportive, like a teacher. Rami Yusuf has had a joke about like seeing porn and seeing penises he likes and he doesn't like, and like being like, oh wait, is that gay? To like a certain that means I like a certain kind of a preference. Preference you were to be penetrated by one, you'd have, you'd have you want to go look or what I find? You want

to weigh in on the dick? Yeah, less vain, I guess, but yeah, Yeah, it was just an interesting way to look at it. Like, there's definitely been porns I've turned off because the penis wasn't right for for me and that is it too much, not like yours, or it's too just there's some ugly penises out there that are just not like that don't turn me on, you know, but I've never seen are always huge, the ones that are like they look like they have like tumors or

something so big. But then there's that there's a part of it being that big that's kind of interesting where it's like Jesus Christ, what's going to happen here? But in the world you want to look at it. I

hate James Dean. He's a popular porn star who is in fucking I've heard any like rape women and like I've just heard stories that he is not that like he just and and I used to be very turned on by him because he was aggressive but also like passionate, And now I see it as he is usually the one in the gang bang who is doing most of the mean thing, starting the mean like you know, pulling her hair or like kind of moving her legs in a way that's just like treating her like a rag doll,

which can be hot. I don't want to slutch shame, but I've just I heard, you know, there were allegations about him and then um, you know further things like now when I see his name on something, it can be the best porn that would be right at my alley. Will not watch it, even though he I think is probably the hottest guy in porn. And I did have a friend who did porn and said, yeah, working with him was the hottest thing of my life because I hated him and we used to like hate funk each other.

It's like it would be like doing you know, it was like um in the Notebook, Ryan Gosling and um what's her name like hated each other. Rachel McAdams on set that she thought he was like a cocky like hot heartthrob guy that thought he was cool, and he probably thought she was stuck up actress and they like hate each other and it turned into this like way

hotter and they ended up dating. So I do remember my friends saying that of like, I didn't like him, but I would love to do scenes with them because we both hated each other so much and we both knew it and we would take it out on each other in the scene, and so that's really hot to me. Um, did are we going to get to the I'm sure there's going to be more that comes out of it. By the time Kane was that he's claiming that porn is what ruined his marriage, is that he's that I

saw that. I believe that. I've definitely know that it is on my list of things that I do to not feel my feelings. And when I can't smoke weed and I want to, or I can't cry and I want to, or I can't eat and I want to, you know, let's do porn because it's like it's a distraction.

It's faster than watching some show that I'm not into yet, Like it also takes a while, like all the browsing kind the perfect scene, typing in what you want to see in porn, but just adding with easys on, like everything, it's like, I want to see girl eat your ass with easys on. I wonder what Corny watched, because I do wonder if it's like like like whatever, or if he was as obsessive about it, because I feel like

he's probably. But actually, when you become an addict, you kind of take what you can get, kind of you just need to fix. So I bet it can go either way. But I know people that you you know, watch porn all day long. I can usually I usually have one orgasm and then I go I want to keep going because it feels so good and it's like I want more of that. But the just everything I'm watching just turns instantly to like black and white television of like this is not interesting to me anymore, Like

none of this is good. It's so funny, fascinating. After you come them, like like I actually see like, oh that's a person, like like when you're really horned up, You're like seeing like it's like a I don't know. Then what do you come? And then I'm just like, oh,

that's all right, this is kind of weird. Am just go oh god, Like I'll go back to the wind, I'll go to Instagram after I come, and then I'll go back to and Reddit to go just on my nightly Reddit crawl, and then it'll be like just double penetration like in my fan I'm like, ah, like it is so jarring, and seconds ago it was what made me have the best feeling of my life. Um, it's so fascinating. I did try to masturbate last night to um just music in my in my stories. Yeah, what

was it, Mozarts? What were you saying that? No, I've done it before, but I tried to get back to basics. I was trying to conjure up you know. UM, I was really trying to think about my relationship because I want to be like as I want to be like so anticipatory of when I finally see Chris that it's like the hottest sex ever um for us as a couple,

and I do miss him so much. So I'm like trying to you know, I don't don't generally fantasize when I'm masturbating about my boyfriend, no offense to him, but it's usually like he has the brothers. I can't say that even he has one of those, okay, second cousin, UM, I probably met them as well. UM his his cat um so he So I was trying to do that, and I put on UM like Dave Matthews because that

is the sexiest music to me. Goodbye. I put on YEP, I put on say Goodbye, I put on Crash, I put on UM, and then I'm No, it's just like kind of going through like the old albums of like what used to warn me up? And then I just cannot sustain a fantasy. Don't drink the water because it's so hot. He's so freaking hot. I can't stand it. I'm really sorry to be a woman that is talking about how hot another guy is. But like Dave Matthews is,

it's still for me the hottest person that's ever. Like I just can't my my childhood or like my teen like I will never feel that horny for someone. It's like Chris often says, like the love he felt for his like first high school girlfriend, like it's not repeatable because it's this young, dumb love, like it just you wouldn't even want me to feel that way about you, Nikki, because it was just like I thought I was gonna like it was just young and dumb, but it was

unbridled and there's something beautiful about that. That is how I feel about Dave Matthews. It is just this, um, yeah, I'm all that close in person. Were you like analyzing like was he as attractive to you in person? Yes? Yes, everything everything paid off, Like see him, he was two feet from me bopping up and down with his hand on it, and I was just staring at his hands, thinking about like like how many times I looked at those hands playing guitar and was like I want to

get fingered by them? Like it was all all of those fantasies were happing for me, like the guitar pretty like it's pretty Like you know, Dave Matthews looks good and cares about a woman's needs. It's just undeniable. I don't know that I would love Chris to talk about someone like this. Um, so I'll just stop. But I think this is mainly my just like seventeen year old Nikki Glazer coming out of like what I used to fantasize it would be like to be with Dave Matthews.

Do you feel like it's kind of a threesome to listen to Dave and then have sex with Chris in your mind like you're having your Like that's what I was saying. It couldn't. I wasn't even I didn't know what to think about when I was doing it yesterday, so I just put on porn. I was like, this is very confusing. I can't and I'm not someone who can pull up a fantasy. I just can't do it, say anither D D brain, like, yes, people enter it

that I don't want to enter it. Not in a hot daddy comes in yeah, or step mommy, not like sexually. It's just like why is like my brain just oh, you gotta put your phone on do not disturb, because I mean I've gotten a text from you before when I'm masturbating and I just go, no, get out of here, or like just like podding tomorrow eleven o'clock good, But I'm just like I I just lost it. You can't be in here, and I'm like I forgot to put it on. You know, you get it all I get

like Nicole, it's Nancy Pelosi. It's not looking good out here, like I get, like all texts all the time. Um, yeah, you gotta put it on do not to sturb. We will be right back with more shot after this. Alright, Noah, tell us more about orgasms. Okay, um this, I think you'll find very interesting people who have suffered lower paralysis and can't feel genital stimulation. Sometimes fine, they can achieve orgasm through stimulation of other body parts, such as the

skin of the arm or the nipples. One woman, um, who had become paralyzed from the waist down at the age of thirty, said she was able to climax when touched in a spot on the trunk or neck just above the region of injury. Huh. I really obviously, I think that this is possible because I found an roger zone on my neck that I think is gets makes me feel more horny than um than my clip at times. I'm not even joking, you like breathing on the back in my neck like here, which you know, when is

that ever happening? It just happened one time, um, you know, on a subway when there was a creep. No, it was It just happened. I think one time in bed, like we were just cuddling and he was just like kind of talking into my neck and I was just like I couldn't even say anything because I was just like, what was happening? Like it was as if I was being touched on my vagina for the first time. It really felt like, this is the greatest thing I've ever felt in my life. Um, And I think I probably

could have just come from that. I mean, it led to other things, but that was what I mean. What other places on my body your sense if you're not getting whatever you can touch, that's gonna be the most sensitive spot, you know what I mean, Like if you're if you're generalman, I'm just well, you had other options. I'm saying if you were out of options with your body parts, where if you only had a head, it would be what's the hottest place to touch me? On my head? Like if you just had a head. I'm

not kidding, dude. It was like but it was like a concentrated area that was as sense. It like gave me the feeling of my clitoris, which has a thought you know, maybe Williams, I don't know science of nerve endings you and let me let me just please say again, if you were masturbating and you were not lifting up the clitoral hood to get to the clip, which there

is a covering of your clitoris. So many girls do not know that they need to even lift that up, and I would venture to guess most men do not know. They think that's the clet itself, that like little bubblegum thing. You need to lift that up to think, Like I think I've hooked up with the girls before and they they don't because they don't know. No, no, no, it's too much. When I when you're doing too much, well then you just like blow on it and be gentler.

But like you need to expose the over the hood it could yeah it could, Yes that can be better, but yeah over it can be good. And I think a lot of girls are missing out on pleasure because they think that's part. They think that's their clip and they're like, why is it not working? And they're trying to put chap chap stick on with the cap on. It's like that this happened to me. My friend texted me she bought the Womanizer? Did I tell this how that I came about the Womanizer? And she goes, where

do I put it on my club? Where's my cli? Do I have to lift up the thing? And I said yes, and I go, how is this not in the instructions? And it wasn't there. No one's educating women about this. It wasn't in the instructions for the Womaniser. Womanizer, get your fucking ship together and have an instructional booklet that goes beyond ikea drawings and like gets in there and actually shows women what the funk to do really obnoxious, and then I googled it and there's fucking not there's nothing.

Maybe if you scour, but like you go to any kind of like how do I masturbate? Like if you do write, how do I masturbate as a woman? The op searches I looked, none of them mentioned lifting up your clutoral hood. They just say find your clip, and it's like, well, most women don't. Let's let's talk about don't know where the clint is. Women don't if someone's like, change your oil in your car, and the first step isn't lift up the hood because they just assume people

might know it. You know, I know they do, But all of it looks kind of the same down there, and clints look so different. You don't know. But yeah, it's like a it's like a little um Marcel the shell, like it's a little snail and it has a shell on top, and you've gotta peel back the shell, at least for me, I mean, otherwise it would just be sucking on this, like you know, chestnut down there and the meat is underneath. So insane. Lifted a show tonight

in Vegas, September two. Thanks Katie L. V Oh my god. Yeah, I didn't get into that yesterday. I avoided all those areas the second you know, they you get a little sex of this. I can you say something with an innuendo? They go, yeah, there it is and fucking dirty on there and where they're like, look, we can't have you back. It's like, bitch, I don't want to be back. Would that would be a nice send off. But I don't

like to be crass. I don't like to like make people feel uncomfortable about it if they really don't like it. That's the thing. It's like people, That's what I don't like about. People assume that I think I that I like offending people, which is, you know, it makes sense that they think that. But because I've done roasts and stuff, and the point of those are like to say the meanest thing, those people have signed up for it, you know.

Like I man, I wrote a joke last night where it's trashing someone and they didn't ask for it, and it's a celebrity and it's someone I kind of know, and I'm like, I can't fucking do it. It's such a good joke. I'll tell you something. I'll tell you later.

It's so good. I'm gonna do it because I'm just too I just hope it doesn't get back to them, but I'm gonna do it, and it'll probably end up in a special because I can't help it when something's funny and I actually don't believe the told I'm saying. I'm making a joke that someone is bad at their job, but I actually think the very opposite of it. So um, I might have to change the celebrity though to someone who's more secure. They can maybe know that they're great

and they don't need to question it. But um oh man. Also, I had another joke last night that I wanted to make. I forgot to do it. I'm talking about um how I because I'm thirty eight and my fertility is probably plummeting right now. And you know, not that it matters to me because I'm not trying to conceive or I don't really want to have kids. I still want to want to be able to you know, it's like the it's like wanting to be invited to a party that

you don't even want to go to. It like it's that thing it's like for me, And I found a perfect analogy I want to be asked to go to Chappelle's farm, but I do not want to go. I would feel I it would afterwards, it would be a lot of work. I would probably feel worse about myself. At the end of it, I would be honored that they think that I belong there. I want people to

think I'm fertile. I want to be fertile, but I do not want to go to the middle of Ohio and hang out and listen to people drunk pontificate and have to act like, oh my god, these are like you know, these people are geniuses, which they are when they're not like wasted and and like in a room with a bunch of cigarettes smoke, being like, well that's and having to laugh at everything they fucking say, even if you don't think it's funny, because it's Chappelle and

he's a genius, and like you have to give it to him, like I those remember during the pandemic, all the comedians were going to his farm and like it looked like they were the chosen ones, and I was so jealous. But then the second I go, way is

a gad, what have you got an invite? The panic that went over me of like, oh my god, I've got to hang out with these people all weekend and act like interested in what they say and act like I know their music, Like there's like certain you know, the Woo Tang clan is there, and I have to like learn all their names and like study their cattle. Like it's gonna be so much fucking work for me to feel cool that weekend, even though I want to be cool enough to get it to get invited. Oh

my god, the story of my life. Yeah yeah you want these, Yeah, it's but yeah, so yeah. I mean it's interesting with women because I was talking to Brenna about it. But like you go from having your period to menopause, which are both extremes, right, Like there's some time in between where you where you stop having your period. Oh, like you go from having your period for you know, thirty years too then forty years. Yeah, And I don't know,

I just find those extremes. That's a little hard and stuff like anyone to but like I hate to second you get a break from bleeding, it's like now you're gonna have hot flashes and now no one wants to fuck you and no one wants to really listen to you, and you're kind of like put out to pasture. And some people still like you, but it's just because they're being nice to their grandma because they have to be. Like, she wants to go to that wedding, she might get

some dick there, grandpa. Yeah being a woman. Um yeah, the bleeding thing is insane. Final thought. So you're going to a wedding in Chicago. Um, there's gonna be dancing. I mean, it is fun, dancing, food. Um, we're just people watching. I mean there's great things to be had from that. I mean I I I see my family so rarely that and your family will be there, not to mention the ones that you don't know, but the ones that you do know. Now she can't go, and

I bet she's grateful. Yeah, she's like, finally cop D works out for me. Finally emphysema. It's great. Finally I don't have to do the hokey pokey or what like, someone's not going to pull me out into a congo line with my wheelchair because dealing with the airport is That's what I'm saying. Man, people people for worse old people to do this and make them feel obligated and

they don't enjoy it. I'm sure there's some that do and put up with it, and they're sweet and they sit there and on the flight and they wait and they have nothing but time. But I think it is a very very painful process for a lot of old people. And what do you do, Nikki. I am going to Vegas tonight in two hours. I have to pack. My room is disgusting. It looks like I'm waiting for FEMA to show up. And here it's so bad, it's awful. Um.

And then I get in. I'm I'm going to sleep all day, I think, because I didn't get much sleep last night. And then UM, do a show. And then I flied to St. Louis on Saturday, and my friend Graham Ben Singer, who has a show called The Graham Ben Singer Show, is following me around all day. I fly in and I land and I go right into hair and makeup, and then um, he's interviewing me and following me around all day. We're going on a run.

We're going to my old high school, UM to do like a you know, um, you know, a report on me. And then he's going to come to Boston for my surgery. And cover that. He's interviewing my surgeon. So he's doing the whole piece about my thing that just so happened to materialize out of the fact that he wanted to do a piece on me anyway. And I was like, oh, I'm actually having the surgery, so I can't do the interview at the time where we thought, and he was like, well,

can I cover the interview? And so yeah, Um, did he reach out to you, Andrew? Yeah, I talked to him yesterday, Okay, Yeah, and so he's saying something about asking if I want to be on camera for something next week, but yes, you're interviewing my friends and family too. Yeah, he's a he's a good dude. It's such a good dude. Yeah, it was nice getting whatever anyhow, I think, no, no, it's just nice getting to know him. He like became like some I forgot even I met him through you,

and um I've gone over. Like we went out to dinner the other night with him and his girlfriend and it was just it was just I don't know, it was a fun time. They're they're they're pretty, They're a silly couple. I don't know. I can't really get into their couple. But she's like a neurotic Jewish doctor and he's like he's a little neurotic in his way. But I don't know, they're just interesting together. Google Graham Ben Singer.

He you probably watched his YouTube of him interviewing every celebrity. I mean he interviewed Tom Hanks, Kobe like he mainly sports people. Yeah, he's done everyone and big big, big time, but he does it have St. Louis. Um. That's where his operation is very successful. I'm honored to be on a show. I went on a date with him during

the pandemic. Um. We went hiking and it uh. I hope that we can talk about it because it's a very It was very much If you want to get to know me, that story of going hiking with me is a very perfect indication of the type of person I am, which was like he thought I was going to be like this fun, chill like I'll take this girl in a hike, and I was not having it. And I was really at this point where I was like, if it's gonna work with me and this guy, he's

got to know this. I'm not going hike and like this ever again. Or if it is it's like for his birthday when we're like it married or something like I cannot And so I made it very clear I was not trying to be like I like it. This is something like I wasn't like on my best like date behavior of like I just want to be the girl this guy wants me to be. I was just like, he needs to know the truth, and I was like, I hate this. I hate this. I really don't like this.

I'm not going over that puddle. It's too deep, like, and he just I remember him going like, oh, boy, are seriously he was just like so he was. He was honestly pretty tickled by it. He was just like, you are so funny, Like I didn't see this coming. He was like shocked. I kind of liked his reaction.

We we knew almost right away that we were like it was a friend vibe, and so it was just it was nice to cut it with like you a lot crazier than I thought you were, Like That's how he felt, and I was like, and you have too much land around you that you want to explore for me to ever explore this relationship. Um, so I am looking forward to that and that will be out at some point. UM, but everyone, I hope you had a

good labor day. We will be doing um one show a week during my recovery, uh with UM you know, we're gonna pre tape them so they won't be like totally topical. But I don't think it will matter because, UM, my life is not going to change much from the time that I stopped talking, because uh, so you will still be getting content. It'll be weekly like most podcasts

you consume UM instead of four times a week. And so until we maybe add more shows as my voice improves, expect that for the next three or so weeks of one week per uh, one episode per week, and I hope that's okay. And I will still be active on Instagram, UM doing you know, Buster Keat and Charlie Chaplin type things, UM, discovering physical comedy right, so UM tune into that. Please stay subscribed to the podcast, keep supporting and watch stop

listen old stuff. UM yeah, and uh we love you, don't be Ca and Chack creature jacked up vocal cords jacked up. Damn